Tag: Vanessa Bayer

Ninja Shanice Goodwin

Shanice Goodwin… Leslie Jones

Sensei… Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

Vlad… Russell Crowe

Taran Killam

Gregor… Kenan Thompson

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Shanice’s picture as a child]

Shanice: First they said, “Your’e too small.”

[Picture changes to Shanice as an adult]

Then they said, “You’re too big.” They said, “You’ll never make it.” But I didn’t listen to them because I knew one day I would become a ninja.

[Cut to video clips of Shanice wearing a ninja costume with a sword]

Male voice: The adventures of Shanice Goodwin, Ninja.

[Cut to Shanice and Sensei. Sensei is wearing karate uniform and a black belt.]

Sensei: Shanice, the ambassador’s been kidnapped by the Russian mob. These are professional Shanice, bad dudes. All your training has come to this moment.

Shanice: Don’t worry sensei. I’m going to do some ninja stuff.

[Shanice walks away]

[Cut to Russian Mob headquarters]

[Four men have Vanessa tied up in a chair]

Vanessa: What are you going to do to me?

Vlad: Alas! We are Russians. it’s gets more easy we get the rules, you live. If they don’t listen, maybe Russians will have to do something… terrible.

Vanessa: I’m warning you. My father knows some very dangerous people.

Vlad: Very dangerous? She say very dangerous.

[The men laugh]

[Shanice comes behind them and leaves sommersaulting.]

[Cut to Taran and Gregor]

Taran: Gregor. Did you feel, [Gregor is coughing] you okay?

Gregor: No.

Taran: I felt it too. Something breeze.

Gregor: I don’t know. I didn’t feel nothing. I think maybe you have been drinking.

[Gregor gets hit by a suriken and falls down]

Ah!

Taran: Gregor!

[Jon runs in]

Jon: Where did that come from?

[Shanice is sneaking behind them]

[Cut to everybody]

Vlad: Be still. Someone is among them. I can feel it. Show yourself!

[Shanice is pretending to be reading a newspaper behind them]

Everyone, be very quiet. Silence is their enemy.

[Shanice runs behind them and hits Jon with a bottle and walks away. Jon falls down.]

What was that?

Taran: I don’t know. I saw only blur.

Vanessa: You want to know what that was? I’ll tell you. I think there’s a ninja in here.

Vlad: Check the door.

[Taran walks goes to check the door and comes back]

I swear to you on my life, we will find this ninja and kill him. Where is he?

Taran: I don’t know, Vlad. I’ve looked everywhere.

[Taran is walking around. He is putting his hand on Shanice’s face as a support but has not seen her yet.]

There is no where it could be. It seems comprehensive.

Vanessa: I was right. Somewhere in this room, there’s definitely a ninja.

Taran: He’s almost like ghost. There is no–

[Shanice jumps in and breaks Taran’s neck]

Vlad: Show yourself. Fight me face to face or she dies.

[Shanice comes behind Vlad]

Shanice: I am the wind.

[Shanice runs away]

Vlad: You are the wind, yes. [Shanice brings in the ladder behind Vlad] I am stone. You see, I am Russian. And a Russian stone does not move. The Russian stone stays in place through thousands of winters. [Shanice is climbing the ladder] It does remain very solid.

[Shanice jumps and hits Vlad. Vlad falls down.]

[Shanice cuts the ropes tying Vanessa on the chair]

Vanessa: Oh, my goodness. You saved my life. Who are you?

[Cut to Shanice’s face.]

Shanice: Me? I’m a ninja. And a cashier from Cole’s.

[The End]

King Henry VIII Hologram

Jon Rudnitsky

King Henry VIII… Russell Crowe

Tod… Bobby Moynihan

Vanessa Bayer

Dana… Cecily Strong

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Jon showing the visitors around]

Jon: Henry VIII the experience. In a moment, an interactive hologram of his majesty will appear to answer your questions about his life and times. Without further due, his majesty.

[A hologram appears]

[visitors clapping]

King Henry VIII: Loyal subjects, I am king Henry VIII. I am remembered today for taking six wives none of whom gave me a male heir. Ah! But there is so much more to learn. So, ask me what you will.

Tod: Wow, this is so cool. Um, okay, what did you eat back then?

King Henry VIII: In my time, nobles feasted on banquets of roasted meats washed down with hearty ales.

Tod: Oh, thank you your highness. Ha-ha. Um, babe, ask him a question.

Vanessa: Okay. Um, how big was the castle?

[The king’s hologram stands up and walks to Vanessa]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son.

Vanessa: Bear you a song?

King Henry VIII: [yelling] Bear me a son!

Vanessa: Tod, why is he doing this?

Tod: I mean, it’s historically accurate.

King Henry VIII: The only sounds I wish to hear from a woman’s mouth are the screams of labour as you bear me a son.

Vanessa: He’s spitting when he talks and there’s like hologram spit.

Tod: Wow. Technology, huh? You know, the next thing you now, we’ll be able to watch a movie on our phone.

Vanessa: Ah, Tod, you can already do that. Come on!

[Tod and Vanessa walk away]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son or I’ll have your head!

[Dana and Taran walk in front of King Henry VIII]

Dana: My king, what was your relationship with Spain like?

King Henry VIII: Complicated. Bear me a son. Bear me a son, but bath first. You have a stench.

Dana: Urgh! This hologram is a pig. I’m going to the gift shop.

Taran: Okay. But please stop buying geodes, okay? Seriously Dana, they’re not rare.

[Dana and Taran walk away]

King Henry VIII: Forget the bathing. I can tolerate your stench.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Um, hey. Hi. Sorry, hello.

[King Henry VIII grabs a hologram chicken and laughs]

King Henry VIII: Ha-ha. A fool! A fool amuses me! Dance for me. Dance for me with your enormous head.

Beck: What?

King Henry VIII: Come on, you fool. You total fool.

Beck: No.

King Henry VIII: You complete fool.

Beck: No, no. I’m not a fool. I have a lot of cool stuff going out. Thank you.

[Beck leaves]

[A group of ladies come in and walk in a line]

Sasheer: Okay, moms’ day out group. Just follow me. We’re gonna go through the exit.

King Henry VIII: [Looking at the women one by one] Bear me a son. Bear me a son. You. You. Bear me a son. Open your legs!

[The ladies walk away]

[Kenan walks in]

And take my seed in your moist.

Kenan: Hello.

King Henry VIII: Ah, my god. A black amore. I’ve only seen your kind in paintings.

Kenan: And goodbye.

[Kenan leaves]

[Kyle and Aidy walk in]

Kyle: Question. Where did you go to the bathroom in the castle?

King Henry VIII: Be still, your tongue. I only wish to talk to this divine creature. [Talking to Aidy] Oh, I love to see you, with my son’s breakfast. [King Henry VIII is getting his hands on Aidy’s breasts] Two ample jogs of god’s old cream to feed the future king. I must have you. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Um, thank you. Ha-ha.

Kyle: Hey, come on babe. I wanna see the other stuff. Plus I think there’s something wrong with this hologoram.

[The hologram disappears]

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Oops! Well, it looks like the kind requires a reboot of his royal software. In the meantime, feel free to sit on his throne and take a photograph if you want.

Aidy: Oh! Me first. [Aidy sits on the King’s throne] Okay, hun. Do it like– look at this. Do a serious photo and then do like, a goofy one. Okay? [Aidy starts posing]

[As Aidy is posing, King Henry VIII appears again and is putting his hands on her breasts again]

King Henry VIII: Bear me a son. Bear me a son.

Aidy: Oh, my god!

[The End]

100 days in jungle

Beck Bennett

Nathan… Pete Davidson

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Michael… Taran Killam

Denice… Vanessa Bayer

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Terry… Russell Crowe

[Starts with video clips of jungle]

Male voice: Exhaustion, starvation, dehydration. Who will survive them all to last 100 days in the jungle.

[Cut to Beck briefing the contestants]

Beck: Michael, Rebecca, Nathan. You’ve all made it to day 94. I know it’s been hard and I’m sure you all miss your families.

Michael: Yeah.

Rebecca: So much.

Nathan: A lot.

Beck: Well, you’re in luck because we have a surprise. We’ve flown in a loved one for each of you. And they’re here now. Michael, say hi to your wife of fifteen years, Denice.

[Denice walks in]

Michael: Denice? Denice, oh my god! [kissing] Oh, I missed you. How are our kids?

Denice: Oh, they’re good. They’re rooting for their daddy.

Beck: Rebecca, say hi to your mom, Joan.

[Joan walks in]

Rebecca: Mommy! Oh my god! You’re here.

Joan: I am here. [hugging] I love you sweetheart.

Beck: And finally, Nathan, say hi to your uncle’s friend, Terry.

[Nathan losing his smile]

Nathan: Who?

[Terry comes in]

Terry: Hey buddy. It’s me. Your uncle’s friend, Terry. Ha-ha. Hey buddy. Ay! Ay! Remember me? Yeah, you do. Come on! We used to live in a tent in your uncle’s backyard. Come on.

Nathan: Oh, right. Hey man, I’m sorry but where’s my parents?

Beck: They had a thing and couldn’t move it. But Nathan, how does it feel to see your uncle’s friend, Terry?

Nathan: Um, kind of weird. Like, we’ve only met a couple of times. And one year we had Christmas at my uncle’s and Terry made us all go outside and watch him drink a two liter bottle of Sprite outside the house.

Terry: Oh, everyone was saying, [hooting] “Terry! Terry! Terry!” Best day of my life, buddy, buddy boy.

Nathan: Only you were chanting that.

Beck: Michael and Rebecca, how are you feeling? You look so shocked to see your family.

Michael: Oh, my god. I am so shocked.

Rebecca: You have no idea. It’s crazy.

Nathan: Um, I’m probably the most shocked. Jus coz like I have seven brothers and sisters, also a girlfriend of three years and none of them could be here?

Beck: Unfortunately, no. They are not here. But your uncle’s friend Terry is. And as an added surprise, Thanks to the new Sony 4K UltraHD TV, you get to say hello to more loved ones.

[someone brings in a TV]

Take a look.

[Michael’s children appear on the TV]

Children: We miss you, daddy.

Michael: Oh, I miss them so much. Hi Noah. Hi Emily. [kisses]

[Rebecca’s dad appears on the TV holding a dog]

Dad: Hi, Becky. My love is with you. Hi.

Rebecca: Wow, dad and Milo. I love you guys.

[Leslie appears on the TV]

Leslie: [Crying] Terry, it’s me. I need you. I messed up. I messed up real bad. If you don’t come home, I’ma kill myself.

Terry: Hey, baby. How are ya?

Nathan: Who is that?

Terry: It’s a girl I’m seeing. She steals credit cards for living. Hey, baby!

Beck: And now, one final twist. Your loved ones aren’t here just for fun. They’re here because today is a reward challenge and they will be competing on your behalf. How do you feel about that?

Michael: Absolutely great. My wife is the strongest woman I know.

Rebecca: My mom is my rock. She can do anything.

Nathan: Well, my uncle’s friend Terry once took me to see basic instincts, and during the whole middle part, he kept hitting my leg and said, “Here it comes.”

Terry: Damn right I did. That was the day you became a man.

Nathan: I was five.

[Someone brings in a table. There are three baskets on the table.]

Beck: Today’s competition is eating challenge. In front of each of your loved ones is a jungle delicacy. Whoever can eat their’s the fastest wins a reward for their loved one.

Nathan: Yeah. Can you stop saying loved one?

Beck: Denice, you have a cow’s tongue.

Denice: Oh, my god. I can’t eat that.

Michael: No, come on baby. You can do it.

Beck: Joan, you have a pig’s liver.

Joan: Oh, I think I’m gonna be sick.

Rebecca: Mom, you’ve got this.

Beck: And Nathan’s uncle’s friend Terry, you have a duck’s vagina.

Terry: Hell yeah player!

Beck: Oh your mark!

[Terry just picks the item up and eats it and starts dancing.]

Oh, wow! That was much quicker than we expected. Terry, you win. Nathan, you gotta be proud of your uncle’s friend Terry.

Nathan: I wouldn’t say proud. I mean, he just yelled, “Oh, hell yeah player!” and ate a duck vagina on TV.

Terry: [celebrating] Duck vagina.

Beck: Well, as today’s winners, you and your uncle’s friend Terry win a four course meal and a massage for two.

Terry: Oh, no, no. Can’t do that. I can’t do. I got stitches all over my back. Horse bit me.

Nathan: On your back? What is your life?

Beck: We’ll be right back on 100 days in the jungle.

[The End]

Singing Nuns

Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Maria… Ariana Grande

[Starts with The Sound of Music intro]

Male voice: We now return to our special presentation of The Sound of Music.

[Cut to five nuns]

Vanessa: Where is sister Maria? She’s late for chore time.

Sasheer: And she has missed her morning prayers.

Aidy: Oh, what are we going to do about that girl?

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee

Vanessa: Her dress has got a chair

Sasheer: She walks on her way to mass
and whistles on the stairs

Kate: And underneath, she has colors in her hair

Cecily: I’ve even her singing in the Abby

All: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find the word that means Maria?

Sasheer: A-flidibi-dibid

Cecily: A will of the wiz?

Kate: A clown.

All: How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Aidy: How do you? In your hand?

[Maria walks in]

Maria: Wow! Good to hear this, a bunch of nuns singing smack about me.

Aidy: Oh, Maria, we didn’t see you there.

Maria: Yeah, I know you didn’t. But I heard everything. And you thought Maria was a problem before? Well, buckle up.

Aidy: Goodness, you’re being a bit sensitive, Maria. We weren’t saying anything negative about you.

Maria: Oh, yeah? Then what’s the song called?

Vanessa: Well, it doesn’t really have a name.

Maria: Do no play with me right now!

Vanessa: Fine. It’s called ‘How do you solver a problem like Maria?’

Maria: Wow!

Cecily: What wow? It’s not about you. It’s about a different Maria. Maria Gutsn Schwertzn Wartz.

Maria: Nun, please, I know ya’ll sing shade about me all the time.

Kate: This is the first and only time we’ve ever sang it.

Maria: So you guys just made up that four part harmony with light choreography on the spot? Okay…

Aidy: But weren’t we merely discussing how to best guide our youngest sister on our path.

Maria: Nun, why are you coming for me so?

Aidy: What? What is this thing that you’re doing with your hands?

Maria: It’s a thing I made up so people know when I’ve had it. And y’all nuns are about to get red!

Aidy: Well, [clapping and hand gesturing like Maria] I think you’re being a very rude person.

Maria: Well, it’s your fault for calling me a will of the wisp and I know what that word means.

Sasheer: Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s like, you know hen you call your friend a will of the wiz? It’s more like, “Oh, you my will of the wiz girl!”

Cecily: Yea, yea, yea. That’s what we say to each other. It’s empowering, right? My will of the wiz?

Vanessa: Oh, see? That’s all that we were saying, Maria.

Maria: Um-hmm. I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get to my chores.

[Maria leaves]

[music playing]

Kate: [singing] Unpredictable as weather

All: Flappy as a feather

Cecily: She’s a darling, she’s a demon, she’s a–

[Maria comes in running]

Maria: Wow! I was literally gone for two seconds.

Kate: Okay, fine! We confess it, Maria. We talk about you. But you give us no choice.

[music playing]

[singing] You cry–

Maria: Wow! Stop starting the song. You know what? I don’t need this. I got hooked up with a babysitting seven children which literally sounds like a vacation compared to living with you virgins.

[music playing]

[singing] Which will leave us all to,
bye-bye-bye-bye-bye
Maria, out!

Cecily: Well, I have a feeling nun of us will miss her. Nun. You guys get it?

Aidy: Oh, you’re so bad.

[laughing]

[The End]

Kids’ Choice Awards

Reece Better… Taran Killam

Jessie Kerk-Fatone… Vanessa Bayer

Brynlee Dobbs… Ariana Grande

Frankie Goodman… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Kids’ Choice Awards video bumper]

Female voice: Welcome back to the Kids’ Choice Awards orange carpet pre-show. Only on nick!

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Reece: And, we’re moments away from the coolest, the messiest, the most celeb packed award show this season, the Kids’ Choice Awards. Hi, I’m Reece Better. By my side, my BFF Jessie Kerk-Fatone.

Jessie: Thanks Reece. Everyone’s been dying to know. Who will take home such coveted awards as favorite cartoon and coolest hair style male?

Reece: Let’s check in with our young lady with this scoop, Brynlee. She’s backstage where all the action is.

[Cut to Brynlee]

Brynlee.

Brynlee: Guys, the vibe back here is literally electric. Just saw dog from Dog with a Vlog take a selfie with I Carly herself, Miranda Cosgro who’s receiving tonight’s life time achievement award. I’d love to stay in shot but I gotta go take my seat. I hope it’s not too close to the Slime Zone.

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

[laughing]

Jessie: Well, I have a punch hole just in case, and I heard a rumor, 5th Harmony might need one too. Ooh! Well, the carpet’s winding down but inside, things are just heating up.

Reece: That’s right. Host Blade Shelton’s about to take the stage. We’re signing off because the Kids’ Choice Awards start…

Reece and Jessie: Right now!

[The show doesn’t cut them out]

Reece: Okay, it looks like maybe we got a little excited there. But who wouldn’t be excited?

Jessie: I mean, so many surprises in store. But there won’t be surprises for much longer. So, [danging] gettie up, y’all. Coz 29th annual Kids’ Choice Awards starts…

Reece and Jessie: Right now!

Jessie: Ya-haa!

[The show doesn’t cut them out again]

And all the stars, all the slime and it’s heating up.

Reece: Ha-ha, and speaking of heating up, let’s throw it to our cheeko with aw to access, Brynlee.

[Cut to Brynlee]

Brynlee: Yas. Guys, I’m back stage where things are really heating up and I think I might be busting a move. [dabs] So, you know what slime it is. The Kids’ Choice Awards only on nick are starting, right now. [Brynlee blows a kiss to the camera.]

[The show doesn’t cut her off]

Yeah, boy. Off camera, my producers are making a lot of frantic emotions that I do not understand. But on camera I’m having a blast. Let’s go back to Reece and Jessie. I love you guys.

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Reece: Love you too, Brynlee. Couple of hiccups but now we can see we’re about 10 seconds out.

Jessie: Yeah. It’s a live TV but good things are worth waiting for and the wait is finally over. The Kids’ Choice Awards start right now.

Reece: Ta-ta.

[The countdown goes to 0:00, but then start counting seconds again.]

The clock seems to be counting upwards now. I don’t know what that means.

Jessie: We got a technical issue but you know what they say, time flies when you’re waiting for the Kids’ Choice Awards to start.

Reece: That’s right. Hey, Brynlee, what’s cracking backstage?

[Cut to Brynlee]

Brynlee: Um, all of it, Reece. Dog with a Vlog, I Carly and all the stars. [Brynlee pulls a technical support person] And this man, Frankie Goodman is part of the stage crew. What do you do? Do you make the slime?

Frankie: Oh, I wish. No, I’m just here to hand Blake Shelton his hat.

Brynlee: Yeah, boy. We got ragged gold hats back here. [Brynlee takes the hat from Frankie] You want me to try it on? I’m gonna look so insane.

Frankie: Um, are you Blake Shelton? I don’t think you are. [Frankie pulls the hat back] So, don’t touch the hat. Okay.

[Frankie walks away]

Brynlee: Jeez, just trying to feel the time here. Okay, so I’m being told the clock is fixed. Yay! It’s official. The Kids’ Choice Awards starts right now.

[The show doesn’t cut her off. The countdown clock is stuck at 12:00.]

Oh, my god! The clock is just flashing 12. And none of my producers are making eye contact with me. Reece and Jessie, I can’t even, guys.

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Reece: Ha-ha, neither can we, Brynlee.

Jessie: But the Kids’ Choice Awards have got to be starting…

Reece and Jessie: Right now!

[Cut to Brynlee]

Brynlee: Right now.

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Reece and Jessie: Right now!

[Cut to Frankie]

Frankie: Right now!

[Cut to Reece and Jessie]

Jessie: Please, right now.

Reece: Okay, clearly the awards are not starting any time soon—

[Cut to Kids’ Choice Awards video bumper]

Male voice: Welcome to the 29th annual Kids’ Choice Awards.

[The End]

Voters For Trump ad

Taran Killam

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of country areas]

Female voice: The media has been saying some pretty negative things about Donald Trump. But what are real American’s saying?

Taran: The guy is a winner..

Vanessa: He is authentic.

Bobby: He’s the only one who has actually created jobs.

Aidy: He literally wrote the book on negotiating.

Beck: Trump’s an outsider. Washington needs that.

Kyle: I think he can make this country great again.

Female voice: So, when people ask why you support Donald Trump, you just tell them…

Taran: He’s gonna take our economy from here to here. [Taran has a Nazi band on his arm] And I like that.

Vanessa: [ironing her clothes] He’s not some cautious politician. He says what I’m thinking. [when Vanessa turns her cloth over, it’s a KKK robe.]

Bobby: [painting on a house] I don’t know what it is. I just like the guy. [Bobby climbs down the ladder. He had painted ‘White Power’ on a house.]

Aidy: Some of his ideas seem a little out there, but I like that he’s looking towards solutions. [Aidy has a lot of bulletin board notes over Muslims]

Beck: [sitting before the fireplace] He’s definitely not PC. [He throws books to burn the fire]

Kyle: [carrying logs] So, why do I support Trump? Three words. Good at business. [There are three KKKs dancing behind Kyle]

Female voice: A message from Racists for Donald Trump.

Fond Du Lac

Trish Wisnouski… Cecily Strong

Joe Bush… Jonah Hill

Barb Von Stoppin… Aidy Bryant

Mary Pate… Vanessa Bayer

Ron… Taran Killam

Ted Larson… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Fond Du Lac: Action News intro]

Male voice: You’re watching South Eastern Wisconsin award winning news team. Top of the hour from the bottom of the lake. This is Fond Du Lac, action news.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: I’m Trish Wisnouski.

Joe: And I’m Joe Bush.

Trish and Joe: And here’s your news Fond Du Lac

Trish: Let’s get to tonight’s top story.

[Cut to Trish. There’s a picture of a person in jail suit at left top corner.]

Trish: Outrage as the hearing date’s been sat to determine where recently released sex offender Jim Hansel Love.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: Oh, god! I hope he doesn’t get Judge Brigs, coz she fined me 300 bucks for going through a stop and go light by that Pizzahut that I know is yellow.

Trish: Joe? Yellow? I’ve driven with you. Come on!

Joe: On to our next story. [Cut to Joe] Rumors are swirling about a possible cancellation of this year’s annual Winterfest. Our very own Barb is at the fair grounds. Let’s go to her live.

[Cut to split screen]

Barb: Hi there, Trish and Joe.

Trish: Hey, Barb.

Joe: What’s happening there, Barb? Because my friend John Willer from snow mobile place called me and said this is a big mess and I said, “Yeah, I know.”

Trish: Yeah. My friend Jana calls me, “There’s gotta be a solution.” I go, “Well, what is it?” She goes, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “Okay.”

Joe: Good point. Thank you for that report Barb. Keep us posted.

Barb: Yeah. No problem. Back to you guys.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: Alright, so, what now? Should we do weather one?

Joe: Yes, sounds good. Let’s go to Mary with the weather. Hey, what are we looking at, Mary?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Um, you know what guys? Who can tell what the weather is going to do, you know? One day it’s freaking snowing, and the next day I got all the windows down in my navigator.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: Oh, you got the navigator?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Yes, we got the navigator

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: Oh, you like it? Didn’t I tell ya?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Yeah, I like it. Yeah. It’s a 2010 navigator.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: Yeah, where did you get it at?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Oh, yeah, Don Schlender’s Auto and cycles.

[Cut to Trish]

Trish: Oh, yeah. Don’s. Where they caught the sex offender in his Kia.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: You know, I never was a fan of Kia, and it’s not entirely a Korean thing.

Trish: Actually you know, My first bus front was Korean. He didn’t speak a word of English, but she had a stand up pole and she always brought me like, weird gum to school. And you know, I think her sister kind of drowned or something at pool and that’s why they moved away.

Joe: Hah! So, that was the weather. Okay, Fond Du Lac, it’s time to learn your lotto number is at anyone near Fond Du Lac

Trish: As always, here to pull the number is Mr. Ron Durusek. He’s been doing this since 1972.

Joe: Yeah, we just had his 90th birthday party over there at the McDonald’s right where the sex offender was showing people his thing.

Trish: Okay, Ron, you ready?

[Cut to Ron]

Ron: Yes. First number, it’s a one. First number’s a one.

Joe: Okay, well actually that’s a seven. Ron can’t see too good.

Ron: Second ball, we got 11.

Joe: Yeah, that’s a 14.

Ron: Lucky 11! And third ball, oh-oh! 69. I had to say it. It’s on the ball.

Joe: It’s a two. Not a 69.

Ron: 69.

Joe: It’s two.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: Okay, okay, Ron.

Ron: 69!

Trish: Okay, got ya’. He knew that wasn’t a 69. He does that everytime.

Joe: Okay. Let’s go to Ted Larson with sports. What you got, Ted?

[Cut to Ted]

Ted: Well, the Badgers won Michigan bad. And that was the only game I got to see this week coz I got a troubled son. He called his mother a B and kicked me in my D, and then he told the neighbors to mind their f-ing business or they can eat his dirty A. You know.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: That was sports. Thanks Ted.

Trish: Alright, well that’s your news Fond Du Lac and it looks like it’s lunch time.

[someone passes food to Trish and Joe]

So, we got, what’s this? California carb.

Joe: That’s not mine. I don’t eat salads.

[Ted walks in to check his lunch too]

[The End]

Beating Wrestling Champion

Will… Jon Rudnitsky

Ricky Manns… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Jonah Hill

Sasheer Zamata

Stacey Epstein… Kate McKinnon

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

Samantha Powell… Cecily Strong

Tyler Stevens… Taran Killam

Fellepe Ramirez… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five friends pulling over their car. They’re all wearing same sports outfit.]

Will: Good match, Nate Nate.

Ricky: Way to go, Nate. You’re the man.

Nate: You didn’t do too bad yourself Will.

Sasheer: You’re amazing.

Will and Ricky: Tigers forever!

[Nate gets out of the car and walks to his house]

Stacey: Hey Nate, wait up. [Stacey runs towards Nate] We’re gonna have some beers behind the Gazibu at depo park later if you wanna come.

Nate: Yeah, I don’t know if coach wants me drinking tonight.

Stacey: You defeated Tyler Stevens of Great Oak. He was undefeated. And you beat him. You sure you don’t wanna celebrate?

Nate: It’s not about whether I won or lost. It’s that I gave everything I am to my team.

Stacey: You’re a hero, Nate.

Nate: Tigers forever.

Stacey: Tigers forever. Bye.

[Nate turns away and his friends drive away]

[Nate walks in his house.]

Nate: Hey, mom.

Mom: How was your day, sweetheart?

Nate: It was great.

Mom: Why don’t you sit down with your dad and watch some TV.

[Nate sits with his father.]

Dad: Tigers forever.

Nate: Tigers forever, dad.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Good evening, I’m Samantha Powell. Tonight’s top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity. As undefeated high school Wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.

[Nate’s picture appears on the news]

Nate: What?

[Cut to Tyler Stevens on TV]

Tyler Stevens: You should have seen the smile on his face. I mean, you like, actually believed it. It feels good.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What the hell is going on?

[Cut to Stacey and Ricky on TV]

Stacey: Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucks so hard.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s why the whole community came together to pretend he won.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What? This is insane. They didn’t let me win.

[Cut to Tyler Stevens]

Tyler Stevens: What I meant to do was sort of let him have a come from behind sort of movie style victory. But when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad and I just had to let him pin me right away.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: I don’t smell. I don’t smell.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez, high school janitor on TV]

Fellepe: I’m glad he got to win. Coz he has so many problems. And when I clean the bathroom, I always find his pants in the trash. He never makes in to toilet.

[Cut to Dad looking at Nate]

Number one, he no make it. Number two, he no make it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why would they interview Mr. Ramirez.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez on TV]

Fellepe: He keep a packet in his locker all year. I said, “Nate, you got to throw out the packet.” He said, “Ain’t this a packet. it’s my girlfriend.” I pick it up, little hole in it. Very little hole.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What is going on?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: You won the big match, son.

Dad: Yeah. You beat Tyler Stevens.

[Cut to all]

Nate: They’re saying they let me win. It’s a top story.

Mom: I know. And that’s nuts because the neighbors were murdered tonight.

[Cut to police locking the neighbor house as a crime scene.]

Dad: The policemen are sitting like, for 20 years.

[Cut to all]

Mom: Yeah. And a celebrity did it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Who?

Dad: Eric McCormack from ‘Will & Grace’.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Breaking news, I’m being told we have another interview with the janitor at the Westfield High.

Nate: Come on!

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez]

Fellepe: He tell me I his best friend. I no his friend. I groove.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why is Mr. Ramirez getting so much air time?

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: An inspiring story. A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day. And hey, Nate, if you’re out there, I hope to god you’re not watching this. And Eric McCormack is back on the news. And get this, it’s twins… that he murdered. The oldest living twins.

[The End]

The Day Beyonce Turned Black

Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Bobby Moynihan

Amy… Vanessa Bayer

Sasheer Zamata

Jay Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

Michael Che

[Starts with video clips of white people in their daily lives]

Male voice: For white people, it was just another great week. They never saw it coming.  They had no warning. Then, the day before the Super Bowl… it happened.

[Cut to news reports about Beyonce’s new music video release]

Female news anchor: Beyonce released a new music video that embraces her black heritage.

Male news anchor: Beyonce video is un-apologetically black.

Female news anchor: Tribute to the black lives matter movement. This is black like never before.

[Terra is watching the news and is terrified]

Terra: Honey, get in here.

[Kyle runs in]

Kyle: What is it? What’s wrong?

Terra: I think Beyonce… is black.

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black.

[Cut to Cecily in her office]

Cecily: Guys, I don’t understand this new song.

Beck: Hot sauce in my bag swag? What does that mean?

Bobby: Maybe the song isn’t for us.

Cecily: [panicking] But usually everything is!

[Cut to the street at chaos]

Male voice: It was the day that shook the whole white world.

[Amy and Sasheer are looking at the chaos]

Amy: We have to go. We have to leave America. Beyonce is black.

Sasheer: Amy, I am black.

Amy: What? No, you’re not. You’re like, my girl.

Sasheer: Yeah, but I can still be black. There’s black people all over the world. That guys is black.

[Amy and Sasheer looks at Jay Pharoah]

Amy: Of course, I know he is black.

[Cut to public in Time Square]

Kate: Beyonce is black? What about single ladies?

Kenan: She was black in that.

Kate: What about Irreplaceable?

Kenan: She was black in that too.

Kate: What about the Pink Panther movie?

Kenan: Okay, yes. She was white in that.

Male voice: It was the day white people lost their Beyonce.

[Cut to news report]

Male news reporter: Getting word now that Beyonce isn’t the only black celebrity. Some are saying Kerry Washington may also be black.

Cecily: No, it can’t be. She’s not ABC.

Beck: I don’t understand. How can they be black? They are women!

Bobby: I think they might be both.

Beck: [screaming] Both? No!

[Cut to Jay and Michael looking at white people go crazy]

Jay: So, what’s going on out there?

Michael: New Beyonce video.

Jay: Oh!

Male voice: It was the day they lost their damn white minds.

[Terra is walking towards her daughter. Her daughter is looking out the window.]

Terra: Honey. What are you listening to?

Daughter: The new Beyonce song.

[Her daughter turns around. She is black too.]

I really like it.

Terra: Oh, god! You’re black too?

[Cut to Leslie standing behind Terra]

Leslie: Terra! That is my daughter. Your daughter is over there.

[Terra’s daughter is reading a book on the bed. She is white.]

Remember? You invited us for play day?

Terra: Oh, that’s right. Thank god.

Leslie: Thank god? Really?

Male voice: The day Beyonce turned black. Rated NC-17 for white people and G for black people.

[Cut to a white kid]

Kid: Mommy, is Taylor Swift still white?

Kate: I don’t know sweetheart. Just close your eyes and it will be over in the morning.

[As her son sleeps, Kate is attempting to kill her son by suffocating him under a pillow.]

[The End]

Singing on Primaries

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

[Starts with four people having meal at a restaurant]

Taran: Oh, my god. Have you guys been watching the Primaries?

Aidy: Ah, yes. Hillary got her butt kicked in New Hampshire.

Vanessa: I know. But we’re all still voting for her right?

All: Oh, yeah. Totally.

Vanessa: Cool. Me too. Except, I think I’m voting for Bernie.

Kyle: What? But yeah, me too.

Taran and Aidy: You are? But so are we.

Vanessa:  mean, Hillary is the most qualified candidate in history but at the same time, ay!

Taran: Yeah. I mean, Hillary has every single thing I want in the president, but…

All: She’s no Bernie.

[music playing]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton on a flower swing]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] Turn down the lights
turn down the bay
turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don’t personalize

[Cut to Taran and Aidy]

Aidy: I mean, I like Hillary’s foreign policy experience, but I love Bernie’s whole vibe.

Taran: I’m obsessed with his vibe.

[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]

Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Bernie is the best.

[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]

Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont

Vanessa: Bernie is change.

Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark

[Cut to everybody. Hillary Clinton is singing and dancing.]

at this fine hour
I will lay down my heart
and I’ll feel the power
with you

Aidy: I like when Bernie yells.

Hillary Clinton: I love you.

Aidy: But not when Hillary does.

Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t

[Hillary Clinton walks away]

Vanessa: Wow, did anybody else just get so cold for a minute?

Kyle: I felt cold, but safe.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Hey you guys, I’m sorry I’m late.

Taran: h, that’s okay. We were just talking about whether or not vote for Hillary.

Cecily: Oh, I definitely am. Coz they basically said it’s my feminist duty.

Aidy: Well, actually that’s not right. True feminism is looking at both candidates equally regardless of gender.

Cecily: Oh! Well, if they really do that I pick Bernie.

Kyle: Me too. Hillary is just too establishment.

Vanessa: Yeah. And Bernie is an outsider who has only been in congress for 30 years.

All: Yes, he’s the best.

[music playing]

[Hillary Clinton come in sitting on a piano. Bill Clinton is playing the piano.]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] I can’t make you love me if you don’t

Bill Clinton: Please. Please just look.

Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont

Bill Clinton: Like her from my side.

Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power

Bill Clinton: Oh boy. Guess what, I’m not even playing this thing. [he means he’s not playing the piano]

Hillary Clinton: I can’t you love me if you don’t

[Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton slide out with the piano]

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: You guys, I will say one thing about Hillary. She is way better than any of those republican nominees.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s for sure. Except, I do like Jeb Bush.

All: You do?

Vanessa: No, I’m kidding. Who likes Jeb Bush?

[everybody laughing]

[music playing]

[Jeb Bush comes out of the table behind everbody]

Jeb Bush: [singing] Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t
coz I can’t make your heart feel something it wont
Deep in the dark–

Kyle: Excuse me! I’m sorry. Are you Jeb Bush?

Jeb Bush: Wait, what? You can see me?

Vanessa: I mean, yeah. You just stood up out of that table. How long were you waiting down there for?

Jeb Bush: But I was just– I was doing what Hillary did. You know? With the other ones? Coz she and I are both big losers.

Cecily: Oh! No, no. You two aren’t the same. Hillary may have lost New Hampshire but she is still pulling way ahead in the south.

Aidy: Yeah. I have a ton of friends there and they all love her.

[Hillary Clinton comes out of another table with an electric guitar]

Hillary Clinton: Now that’s my babies! And there is going nowhere!

[plays rock guitar]

I’ll see you in the south

[plays rock guitar]

And live from New York

[plays rock guitar]

It’s Saturday Night!