Tag: Beck Bennett

Uber For Jen

Jen… Elizabeth Banks

Tyler… Mike O’Brien

Beck Bennett

Tyler’s wife… Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with ‘Mike O’Brien Picture’ video bumper]

[Cut to a woman entering a car]

Jen: Uber for Jen?

[Tyler looks back at Jen]

Did you get my destination. I’m going to 91st in Amsterdam. You’re kind of going in an insane route. Just make the next left. Just coming up right here, and you missed it. Okay, it’s cool, you can just take the next left. And left… oh, missed it. Um, is this Uber for Jen? Do you speak English?

[Tyler stops by a drive through]

Tyler: Can I get a number two combo, no pickles?

Jen: And a peach banana smoothie, grande?

[The drive through passes the packed food to Tyler]

Tyler: Great, thank you.

[The drive through passes the smoothie to Jen, but Tyler drives away and the smoothie falls down.]

Jen: So not cool. Okay, neither one of us wants to give the other a bad rating. So, let’s just be focused. My phone says your best bait is take a U-turn right up here and go back 20 miles. So we’re gonna make a U-turn right… you missed it. Is this an Uber for Jen? U-turn. U-turn.

[Cut to Tyler and Beck in a meeting]

Beck: I’m sorry Mr. Tyler but we can’t help you with the house that’s that expensive. If you and Mrs. Tyler…

[Jen is sitting beside Tyler]

Tyler: Oh, she is not my wife.

Jen: Ah! I’m Jen. 91st in Amsterdam.

Beck: Oh, yeah, makes more sense. You said your wife was nine months pregnant.

Tyler: Yeah, she is.

Jen: She is? Oh!

[Cut to Jen and Tyler shopping for the baby, having ice cream, taking selfies and spending time together.]

Clueless or mean girls?

Tyler: [looking back] Oh, that’s tough.

Jen: [scared] Oh my god!

[the car hits someone]

Tyler: Oh, my god. Oh, I think I just hit a dude.

[Cut to Jen and Tyler getting rid of the dead body in an alley]

Jen: Oh, my god!

[Tyler stops the car in hurry]

[A turtle is slowly crossing the road]

Tyler: Close call.

[Cut to Tyler’s wife getting in the car]

Tyler’s wife: Oh my god. I think my water just broke.

[Jen is looking at Tyler’s wife while Tyler’s wife is screaming while Tyler is driving.]

[Cut to Tyler’s wife getting off the car with a baby and waving goodbye to Jen and Tyler]

[Tyler’s wife gives birth to a baby in the car]

Jen: Oh, 91st in Amsterdam. Hey, my friend actually lives here. How did you know?

Tyler: The app shows me where to go.

Jen: So you are my Uber driver.

Tyler: Yeap.

Jen: Cool, thanks. Bye.

Tyler: Bye.

[Tyler rates Jen only three stars.]

[Dan gets in the car]

Dan: Hey, Uber for Dan? Take a left up here. Yep, just right up here. And… left. Ha-ha. Dammit! That was the…

[Cut to credit scene]

[Directed by Matt and Oz]

Theatre Showcase

Aidy Bryant

Elizabeth Banks

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Taran Killam

[Starts with Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase]

[Cut to Aidy and Elizabeth on the stage]

Aidy: Welcome everyone, to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase.

Elizabeth: Written and directed by us, students.

[Cut to Vanessa, Kenan and Leslie in the audience clapping]

[Cut to Aidy and Elizabeth]

Aidy: Before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s performance may cause extreme bouts of progress.

Elizabeth: Now, without further due, please enjoy Mirror to America, a reflection of you.

[The lights go dim and music plays. The other members of the crew join the stage and pose.]

Kyle: Help. I am dying. Can someone help?

Beck: [acting like he’s driving] Beep, beep. I have a meeting.

Aidy: [acting like she’s driving] Beep, beep. I have a party.

Kate: [acting like she’s driving] Beep, beep. I need to tweet.

Kyle: Will no one stop to help? I’m [coughing] … done!

[Kyle falls]

Taran: Oh, no! There’s been a death.

Elizabeth: Check his license. What is his name.

Taran: It says ‘The Earth’.

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to the audience]

Leslie: Hell no. No. No.

[Leslie just leaves]

[Cut to the stage. The actors are standing on the boxes.]

Beck: And now, a song about who really runs the world.

[Beyonce’s song ‘Girls’ playing part by part.]

Song: Who run the world?

Actors: Whites!

Song: Who run the world?

Actors: Whites!

Song: Who run the world?

Actors: Whites!

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Kenan: Well, why would they do that scene when they’re all white? Just sounded like bragging.

[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing sitting on the boxes.]

Kate: Okay now, let’s lighten things up. Who wants to hear a joke?

Taran: Me!

Beck: I do.

Aidy: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kate: Okay, here’s the joke. They call it see world, but they don’t see the world. They…

All: See walls.

Kate: They…

All: See tanks.

Kate: They…

All: See nothing.

Kate: [looking at the audience] So, before you go to see world, see yourself inside the tank. Mam, would you like to live in captivity?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: Um, no.

[Cut to the stage.]

Taran: Well, would you like to be separated from your children?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: No.

[Cut to the stage.]

Kyle: Would you like to be jacked off for your sperm?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

[Cut to the stage]

Kate: Now do you see?

All: World?

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: That was the worst moment of my entire life.

[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing standing on the boxes.]

Elizabeth: Ladies and gentlemen, this next scene is completely normal.

Beck: If you have a problem with what you’re about to see, your mind is small.

Kate: Your world is small.

Aidy: You are small. And action!

[Kyle and Taran walk forward]

Taran: Hi boyfriend, I love you.

Kyle: Hi boyfriend, I love you.

[Kyle and Taran kiss each other three times]

All: That was normal!

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Kenan: [reading the invitation] It says the proceeds from tonight’s show go to Neil Patrick Harris. He doesn’t need that.

[Cut to the stage. Aidy is caressing her hair and the others are looking at her.]

Aidy: My mama used to brush my hair every night before bed just to get out of tangles. Then one night I went into a room and I said, “Mom, I’ve got a bad tangle”, but she was dead. So treasure your parents. Because you never know when they won’t be around to help you with life’s tangles.

[Everybody hugs Aidy]

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: What? I’m her mom! I’m not dead. Also, she is such a bitch to me. Like, everyday.

[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing standing on the boxes.]

Kyle: Tell me, have you ever judged a book by it’s cover?

Taran: Do you assume everyone’s outside matches their inside?

Elizabeth: For example, sir, do you think I’m a girl or a boy?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Kenan: Um, just based on this show so far, I’m guessing you’re a boy?

[Cut to the stage]

Elizabeth: Um… oh… can you actually say girl?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Kenan: Fine. You’re a girl.

[Cut to the stage]

Elizabeth: Wrong! I’m a boy.

All: Wow!

[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing standing on the boxes.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: Oh, my god! Look at this. They have a chair taped off for Caitlyn Jenner.

Kenan: She doesn’t wanna come to this.

[Cut to the stage. The actors bow down.]

Elizabeth: Thank you. That was our show.

Aidy: As you exit, please leave a bottle of water in this box and we’re gonna send it to California.

[The End]

The Bureau and the Pervert

Doug… Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Arnold… Bobby Moynihan

Abby Langly… Elizabeth Banks

Marcus Duke… Jay Pharoah

Becky… Aidy Bryant

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts in a movie studio. Everyone is preparing for the shooting.]

Doug: Alright everyone, let’s shoot this thing.

[Sasheer walks in with Arnold]

Sasheer: Doug, this is Arnold Bagster. He won the walk on role.

Doug: Oh, yes. Hi, I’m Doug the director. Welcome.

Arnold: Oh, thank you. This is so cool.

Doug: Everyone, this is Arnold Bagster and he bid, um… how much?

Arnold: $3,000.

Doug: $3,000 and won the part of clothing store customer. Let’s give him a hand.

[everybody clapping and cheering for Arnold]

Arnold: Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. It was a charity auction for arts education. So for a good cause.

[Abby and Marcus walks in. Doug walks out.]

Abby: Wow, is this the big spender right here?

Arnold: Wow, oh my gosh. Abby Langly. And you’re Marcus Duke.

Marcus: That’s right.

[They shake hands]

Arnold: I am such a fan of the show.

Marcus: Well, us too. Welcome to The Bureau.

Arnold: Ah!

[Cut to Doug and Arnold]

Doug: So Arnold, did anybody tell you about the scene at all?

Arnold: Um, no. All I know is I’m supposed to say, “Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?” I’ve been practicing.

Doug: Perfect! Real easy stuff. Stand right here, and after I call action, you say your line to our employee Becky here. [Becky walks in]

Becky: Hi.

Doug: Then Marcus and Abby come in and say a few lines. Sound good?

Arnold: Yeah. That sounds great.

[Sasheer walks in and puts a coat on Arnold]

Sasheer: Wardrobe flying in for the talent.

Arnold: Oh, talent? I’ve never been called that before.

Doug: Okay, let’s shoot this. Have fun Arnold.

Arnold: Okay.

[Cut to everybody. Doug walks away.]

Marcus: Hey, good luck, man.

[Abby and Marcus walk away too]

[Jon walks in with the clapperboard.]

Jon: The Bureau, scene 1-C, take one.

Arnold: This is so cool.

[Jon walks out]

Doug: Okay, we set? And action.

Arnold: Um, excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

Becky: Oh, they’re just down the hall and to the left there.

[Abby and Marcus walk in pointing a gun at Arnold]

Abby: [yelling] You’re not going anywhere you sick son of a bitch.

[Everyone else leaves]

Marcus: [showing his police badge] Hands up, pervert!

[Arnold raises his both hands]

Abby: You’ve been a busy boy, Nicholas. Or should I call you the Grooville Peeping Tom?

[Abby pulls out a sketch of Arnold out]

Oh, yeah. The sketch artist did a great job. Looks exactly like you, right down to your pervert eyes.

Marcus: Yeah, now let’s search his pockets.

[Marcus pulls out a pink bathing suit out of Arnold’s coat that Sasheer put on him]

Oh! What have we here? A teenager’s bathing suit.

Abby: What kind of man gets his jolly sniffing one pieces?

[Cut to close shot of Arnold’s face looking worried]

This man!

[Cut to everybody]

[Becky walks in]

Becky: Shame on you sir. You are a monster. I hate you!

[Becky runs away]

Abby: By the way, forensics took a little trip to your apartment. What’s this I hear about a scarf made from teenager’s hair? Put this creep in bracelets.

[Marcus pulls Arnold’s hands to handcuff him]

Arnold: Ou! Ou!

Abby: How about one for the road?

[Abby puts the bathing suit in Arnold’s mouth]

[Doug walks in]

Doug: Cut! Great! Great stuff. Wow, Arnold. I mean those reactions were so natural.

Arnold: Oh my god, I told so many people about this.

Marcus: Hey man, the star is born.

Abby: I mean, quit that day job, bud. What do you do?

Arnold: Middle-school principal. Look, so is this definitely gonna be in the show?

Doug: Yeah, yeah. Kicks off the episode. Pretty awesome, huh? So we just need to grab a few promo spots with you.

Arnold: I’m sorry, what’s happening?

Abby: Oh, it’s just some quick ads for the show. You just look right into the camera. alright?

Arnold: Alright?

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi Delta passengers. We hope you’re enjoying your free and flight TV. We just busted this nasty pervert.

Abby: To see how, check out The Bureau, available to watch on today’s flight.

Doug: And cut.

Arnold: Oh, my god. My parents fly Delta.

Doug: Let’s do a TV spot.

Arnold: Wait, can you guys say that I’m playing a pervert or something please?

Abby: Oh, yeah.

Marcus: Sure, sure, sure.

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi, this man is a dirty pervert.

Abby: And it’s our job to stop him. The Bureau is up next, but first enjoy the Superbowl.

Doug: And cut.

[Arnold is shook]

Arnold: Wait, this is gonna air during the Superbowl?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: No, no, no, no, no. The promo will air right before the Superbowl. Your episode will air right after.

[Cut to Arnold, Abby and Marcus]

Arnold: So, a lot of people are gonna see this.

[Abby and Marcus laughing]

Abby: This guy.

Marcus: He’s got the bug, man. Hollywood to the bone.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: And that’s a wrap on our pervert.

[Cut to everybody]

Abby: Whooo! Great job.

[Jon comes with a huge board handing it over to Arnold]

Jon: And we have a little parting gift for you.

Abby: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yesterday, we shot a scene where we search our character’s apartment and this was a prop from the set.

[The board has Arnold’s photo wearing a girl’s swimsuit.]

The whole cast signed it.

Arnold: Wait, so this picture is gonna be on TV? I never posed for this picture.

Doug: Oh, we used your wardrobe fitting photo. The guys in the art department are wizards with that Photoshop.

Abby: Yeah, hey, you can hang it in your office at the middle school.

Arnold: No, thank you.

Doug: Well, thanks so much Arnold. And hey, keep an eye out. You might pop on an ad or two.

[Cut to Time Square where Arnold’s picture with ‘Pervert’ written on it is used for the ad.]

[The End]

The Adventures of Young Ben Carson

Elizabeth Banks

Richie… Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Ben… Jay Pharoah

Mom… Leslie Jones

Black Jesus… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Ben Carson’s Book and the newspaper articles]

Male voice: The media went after him pretty hard even though he’s one of the most accomplished doctors in all the land. A true American success story. But I knew him before all that. Back when he was just another brother from the streets of Detroit. Back when he was young Ben Carson.

[Screen showing “The Adventures of Young Ben Carson”.]

Adapted from the stories of Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to Detroit in 1968. Elizabeth, Richie and Sasheer are talking in the street.]

Elizabeth: And he thought Richie would back down.

Richie: Yeah. So I told him, “Don’t listen to me. [showing his handgun] Listen to my two friends. Smith and Wessen.

Elizabeth: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Sasheer: You think that’s bad. You ought to meet my boyfriend Ben.

[Ben walks in]

Ben: Did somebody say my name?

Richie: Ben?

Ben: Yeah, what are you doing in this neighborhood? Like a Muslin in the White House, you don’t belong.

[Cut to Elizabeth and Richie]

Elizabeth: Wait, what?

Richie: [fake laughing] You’re out there Ben, you’re crazy, man!

[Cut to Sasheer and Ben. Sasheer looks worried.]

Ben: Excuse me? What did you say about me?

Sasheer: Ben, don’t. Your temper. He’s mad now!

[Cut to Elizabeth and Richie]

Elizabeth: Really? He’s angry?

[Cut to Sasheer and Ben.]

Really?

Ben: [speaks calmly] I am hot with rage. And right now, I’m about to go off. I feel like I might have to cut you.

[Ben takes a knife out]

[Sasheer screams and runs away]

[Cut to Ben, Elizabeth and Richie]

Here comes with the quickness.

[Ben is moving slowly towards Richie]

Elizabeth: Quick! Stick out your belt.

[Ben hits Richie’s belt buckle with his knife and drops it]

Ben: Ah, man! Blocked by a belt buckle. This happens all the time.

[Mom walks in]

Mom: Ben, what are you dong?

Ben: Oh, my ma. We were just playing.

Mom: Get off these streets and back in the library. You’re going to ruin your future and end up in jail.

Ben: I can’t go to prison, my ma. People go to prison straight and come out gay. I’m not ready to be gay.

Mom: That don’t make no sense, Ben. And open your damn eyes.

Ben: Oh, my eyes are open, my ma. Wide and full of rage. Now it’s time to open your’s.

[Ben fetches a hammer]

Mom: Oh, damn! He got a hammer!

Elizabeth: Quick, put this belt on your head.

[Elizabeth puts a belt on Mom’s forehead.]

[Ben is about to hit Mom]

Male speaker: Halt!

[Ben looks around to see who it is]

Ben: Who is that?

[Cut to Black Jesus walking in. He is walking on smoke and wearing a white robe.]

Black Jesus: It’s me, black Jesus.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Amazing.

[Cut to Ben and Black Jesus]

Black Jesus: Open your eyes, my son. Why are you out here on the streets acting like a fool? You know I created humans like you to be the most evolved species.

Ben: But evolution isn’t real or we’d have the fossils to prove it. And those fossils don’t exist.

Black Jesus: Not so sure about that. But you still need to act right. You have a higher purpose, Ben. Someday, you’ll save hundreds of lives. Inspire thousands of kids, and make millions of people say, “How did he get up there?”

Ben: But black Jesus, I don’t have any friends. Will you be my friend?

Black Jesus: I guess.

Ben: Fantastic. Let’s go get our portraits painted together.

Black Jesus: Well sure, as long as you put it up in your house.

Ben: Alright.

[Cut to a picture of Jesus and Ben Carson doing high-five. Their bodies are drawn like in kid’s school.]

Black Jesus: And we were friends. Best friends. We went to Yale together. We separated twins together. We went to Egypt and saw the ancient grain silo. [Picture has Ben and Mom, and there are pyramids behind them.] That’s a lot of grain.

[Cut to Ben and Black Jesus]

Ben: Everything black Jesus said came true. I became respected surgeon and a multi-millionaire all in America that today is very like Nazi Germany.

[Black Jesus clears his throat]

Black Jesus: Oh, Ben. You crazy. Haha.

Ben: [looking disappointed] What did you say about me?

[Ben pulls his knife out]

Black Jesus: You gonna cut Jesus?

[Cut to The Adventures of Young Ben Carson outro]

[The End]

Aron’s List

Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Pete Davidson

George… Bobby Moynihan

Terry… Jay Pharoah

Plumber… Beck Bennett

Carpenter… Kenan Thompson

Piano Tuner…Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Vanessa looking at the laptop]

Male voice: Shopping online is as easy as it gets. Wouldn’t it be great if hiring plumbers, carpenters and even piano tuners was just as simple? Now it is, with Aron’s list. With just a few clicks, you can find anyone from a handy man to a house cleaner.

Vanessa: Like Angie’s List?

Male voice: Sure! Except we offer prices 30% lower than our competitors.

Vanessa: Wow, where do you find these guys, Aron?

Male voice: Oh, I’m not Aron. Aron’s stands for the American Registry Of Nonviolent Sex offenders.

[Cut to Vanessa looking at the plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner.

Vanessa: What?

Male voice: Look, no one wants to hire the bad kind of sex offender. That’s why, Aron’s list only features nonviolent individuals who committed low level sexual misdemeanors. Like, streaking, public urination, missed the cutoff on statutory stuff, toilet camera and penis pranks. And their offender status makes them eager to find jobs of any kind.

Vanessa: Huh! So, do you have lawn specialist?

[Cut to Dan, Lawn Care Specialist at the lawn]

Dan: I’m sorry and I’m ready to work.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: What about janitors for my small business?

[Cut to George, Janitor with his mop]

George: There are literally thousands of us.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Even dog walkers?

[Cut to Terry, Dog Walker]

Terry: I’ll do it

Male voice: And they’ll always be up front about their offenses.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: I exposed myself on a jumbotron. Ha-ha. Take that kiss-cam!

[Cut to George]

George: I peed on all the file cabinets marked P.

[Cut to Vanessa with plumber, carpenter and the piano tuner in her house]

Vanessa: Wow, where have you guys been all my life?

Plumber: Let’s just say living in a tent village under the highway.

[Everybody laughing, while carpenter takes a picture of Vanessa’s under skirt using a selfie stick.]

Male voice: Aron’s list.  Because the real crime is high prices.

White House 2018

Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

General… Kenan Thompson

Secretary… Sasheer Zamata

Jimmy… Kyle Mooney

Jon Rudnitsky

Ivanka Trump

Enrique… Beck Bennett

Taran Killam

[Starts with White House in 2018.]

Bobby: Well, Mr. President, you did it.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the oval office]

Donald Trump: Just like I promised, right?

[Cut to Donald Trump and the others]

Bobby: Half way through into your first term and prosperity is at all time high. [Cut to Bobby] In two years, you really made American great again.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: See? I told you. It is more than just words and the silly hat.

Donald Trump: First lady Melania is hundred% correct.

Melania Trump: Aw!

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I gotta admit, you know, I didn’t think it could happen this fast. Everyone loves the new laws you tweeted.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Terrific. Just terrific. General, how are we dong in Syria?

[Cut to General]

General: Well, ISIS is completely eliminated, sir. The country is at peace. All the refugees have returned and they have great jobs as blackjack dealers in the Trump Hotel and Casino in Damascus.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So, everyone’s happy?

[Cut to General]

General: They’re so happy, Mr. President.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Madam Secretary, how is the situation in Russia?

[Cut to Secretary]

Secretary: Never better. After your face to face meeting, Putin has withdrawn from Ukraine. Believe me, he does not wanna be called a loser again. He cried for hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I’m sorry. I just had to do that. Keep up the good work, you’re doing fantastic. Jimmy, how is the economy?

[Cut to Jimmy]

Jimmy: Amazing, sir. Um, in the words of our new national anthem, it’s huge! After your tough negotiations with China, you are killing them on trade. They’re not borrowing money from us. I have no idea how you did it, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? I don’t have to get specific. With me, it’s just works, you know? It’s magic. It’s just magic. It’s always been that way my whole life. So, let’s just see what happens over here but I wasn’t sure what’s it all like.

Melania Trump: Yes, you know, it’s hard to be president because the White House, it’s the smallest place Donald and I have ever lived. You konw?

Donald Trump: True.

Melania Trump: But we made it work.

[Cut to Jon on the door]

Jon: Mr. President. Your daughter, the secretary of interior is here.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Perfect timing Ivanka. [Ivanka walks in] How is the White House has everything going and how are the renovations doing?

Ivanka: Actually, not surprisingly, we are ahead of schedule and under budget. The private swimming pool in Cabanas are already completed. And now if you’ll excuse me, today we are covering the Washington monument in gold mirrored glass.

Donald Trump: Wow. [Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump] That’s gonna look so elegant.

Melania Trump: Oh, like beautiful hotel.

[Cut to Jon]

Jon: Mr. President, the President of Mexico is here to see you.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Melania Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, that’s great. Send him in.

[Enrique walks in]

Oh!

Enrique: Donald!

Donald Trump: Enrique.

Enrique: I brought you the check for the wall.

[Donald Trump and Enrique hug out]

Donald Trump: Go on. It’s so wonderful.

[Donald Trump looks at the check]

This is far too much money. I don’t know–

Enrique: No, I insist! Consider it as an apology for doubting you. As history shows us, nothing brings two countries together like a wall.

Donald Trump: Well, I told you and it’s– I’m so proud of you. And changing Telemundo to all English for me, you changed that to all English, it’s a great thing.

Enrique: Of course.

Donald Trump: I am so proud of you.

[Taran walks in]

Taran: Mr. President, I am so sorry to interrupt but we have got a big problem.

Donald Trump: What is it?

Taran: It’s the American people, sir.

Donald Trump: What?

Taran: They’re just sick of winning. They’re winning so much. It’s just too great, sir.

Donald Trump: Look, I know how they feel. It’s exhausting. But that’s what really– I mean that is the price you have to pay. Winning is tough, it’s not that easy. If you think that’s how it’s going to be when I’m president, you’re wrong.

[Donald Trump walks to the camera and everyone else is blacked out.]

It’s going to be even better. I said to the writers of this sketch, “Keep it modest, okay?” It’s better to start with low expectations. That way you have no where to go but up.

[Melania Trump walks to Donald Trump]

Melania Trump: So, this election season, before you vote, dream. Dream of Melania for first lady.

Donald Trump: Wouldn’t she be a great first lady?

Male voice: This message paid for by The Melania for First Lady foundation. A Trump Organization Company.

Star Track Production

Vanessa Bayer

Pete Davidson

Mr. Crocker… Beck Bennett

Daughter… Aidy Bryant

Skacy Steve… Donald Trump

[Starts with a family dinner]

Vanessa: And I said, “That’s enough, sir.”

[Everyone laughing]

Pete: Well, it smells really good Mr. Crocker.

Mr. Crocker: That’s very sweet of you, but I know for fact it smells terrible.

Pete: Yeah, it does. It stinks.

Mr. Crocker: I know. But trust me, it will taste great. Old family recipe. Plus, you’re dating my daughter, so you’ll have to eat it.

[Everybody laughing]

Aidy: Dad!

Mr. Crocker: Sorry, I’m not going to embarrass you sweetheart. I’m not one of [gesturing to quote using his two fingers] “Those dads”. Let’s just listen to a little music [Mr. Crocker turns on the music] and enjoy a great meal.

[‘See you again’ by Wiz Khalifa starts playing]

Pete: Oh, I love this song.

Mr. Crocker: It’s great, isn’t it?

[Cut to Vanessa and Mr. Crocker smiling at each other]

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

[the music playing is a ‘See you again’ instrumental with Mr. Crocker’s voice recorded singing on it]

Aidy: Dad!

Mr. Crocker: Yes honey?

Aidy: Is that you singing?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Why? Do you like it?

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Aidy: I- I mean, I guess I’m just surprised.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: [yelling] If it sucks then I’ll turn it off then!

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Honey.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Does it?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: What?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Suck!

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Aidy: No.

[Cut to Pete and Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Do you think it sucks, Dani?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: No.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Do you think it is good, Dani?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: I mean..

[Cut to Pete and Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Okay, it sucks. I’m turning it off. Let’s eat. How’s the chicken?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: It’s fine.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: It sucks. I know it does. I left it out on the counter for too many days.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Okay. So, I saw the most amazing thing on the subway the other day. There were these two guys–

[Mr. Crocker plays another music with him singing in it]

[Vanessa stops speaking because she is annoyed]

[Cut to Aidy, Pete and Mr. Crocker. Mr. Crocker is nodding his head looking at Pete.]

[Mr. Crocker has also used auto-tune in the recording]

Mr. Crocker: It sucks, does’t it?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Honey, calm down.

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Aidy: Did you use auto-tune?

[Cut to Pete and Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: I had to in some parts. Yeah. You know what? I’ll just change it to a song I don’t sing.

[Mr. Crocker changes the song]

There. Now everybody’s happy. You know, some of the chicken is actually not that bad.

[the music still has Mr. Crocker singing on it]

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: That’s you singing Dave.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: No, it’s Adam Levine from Maroon 5. So Dani, what do you parents do? Are they in music industry?

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Pete: Um, no. They’re real estate agents.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Good. Because I’m not exactly happy with the people in the music industry right now. Yeah, I think I’m getting ripped off by Skacy Steve over a Star Tracks.

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Aidy: Who is Skacy Steve?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: He’s a big producer over at Star Tracks. He cornered me in the dressing room at a men’s warehouse and he told me I had a beautiful voice and I was an absolute star. Now, I’m paying a $1000 a day for studio time and I’m on call 24/7. He can call me in any time of the day to record a new track.

[Cut to Vanessa sipping some wine]

Vanessa: That’s insane.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker. His pager is beeping.]

Mr. Crocker: [looks at the phone] Dammit! It’s Skacy Steve!

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: When did you get a pager?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Skacy Steve gave it to me. I need to go and drop another verse.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Can’t you wait until you’re done with dinner?

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Fine, but I gotta eat real fast.

[Mr. Crocker starts eating wildly]

[Cut to everybody. The doorbell rings.]

Vanessa: I wonder who that is.

[Cut to Mr. Crocker]

Mr. Crocker: Oh, no! It’s Skacy Steve.

Skacy Steve: Come on, out of my way.

[Cut to everybody. Skacy Steve walks in to the dining hall.]

Hey, I’ve got a new track for you.

Mr. Crocker: I’m having dinner with my family, Skacy.

Skacy Steve: Listen to this, Dave. This is right to your key.

[Mr. Crocker starts recording then and there in a small instrument that Skacy Steve brought in.]

Mr. Crocker: [singing] I don’t like it, I love it, love it, love it

Skacy Steve: Straight to the top of the charts, Dave. You’re gonna be a massive star.

[Skacy Steve pats Pete]

How are you doing, son? Skacy Steve. [shaking hands with Pete] Big, big producer at Star Track. Have you ever thought about a career that in the recording industry?

[Cut to Pete and Aidy]

Pete: Sure.

[Cut to Skacy Steve]

Skacy Steve: Oh, my god. The voice of an angel. You’re gonna be a massive star baby.

[Cut to Skacy Steve smiling looking at the camera. His teeh twinkles.]

[The End]

Hotline Bling Parody

Drake… Jay Pharoah

Father… Beck Bennett

Teacher… Taran Killam

Tax guy… Donald Trump

Ed Grimley… Martin Short

[Starts with Jay Pharoah mimicking Drake’s Hotline Bling music video]

Song: I know you make fun of my…
I know you, I know you
I know you make fun of my dance moves
turn me into meme and gifs
but I’m proud of my dance moves
coz lots of people dance like this
bet your father dance like me

Old man: Like I just turned 53.

Song: Your physics teacher dance like me

Teacher: Dancing in the homecoming

Song: I just let the music make me move
Shimmy like a drunk guy when his team scores
do a little cha-cha at the dance floor
never seen a rapper dance like this before?
I’m standing by my dance moves
I call this one the sneaky fish
I bet y’all like this dance move
and this one’s called the miracle whip

Old man: You know when I sway my hips
I do cool things with my lips

[Ed Grimley is dancing]

Song: Ed Grimley invented this
taught me how to jump and twist

Ed Grimley: Drizzy Drake has stole my moves and that’s no lie.

Song: Yeah, you’ve been waiting for this moment
well people, here it is
dads are getting in on this
teachers getting in on this

[Donald Trump as tax guy dancing Hotline Bling.]

your tax guys getting in on this

Donald Trump: [singing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: Lots of people dance like this

Donald Trump: [singing and dancing] You used to call me on the cell phone

Song: I swear it’s cool to dance like this

[Everybody is dancing Hotline Bling]

[The End]

Band with Laser Harp

Kenan Thompson

Tommy T. Vilaris… Beck Bennett

Tanya Grapes… Aidy Bryant

Joe Hobs… Jay Pharoah

Shina Ray… Cecily Strong

Blade… Kate McKinnon

Jean Breads… Donald Trump

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a band playing in a bar]

Backup singer: Yadi Yadi

Kenan: Are we there yet?

Backup singer: Yadi Yadi

Kenan: I bet he feels just like me

[music stops]

Thank you very much, Lake George. Wow, what a great crowd tonight. So, let’s meet the band. On the bass guitar, it’s Tommy T. Vilaris.

[Cut to Tommy. He plays a bass solo]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: On the keyboards, give it up for miss Tanya Grapes.

[Cut to Tanya. She plays keyboard solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: He’s our drummer and our band’s resting hound, Joe Hobs.

[Cut to Joe. He plays drums solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah, Joe. And over here, singing back up vocals and light dancing, Shina Ray and Blade.

[Cut to Shina and Blade. They start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Alright. And where would we be without our very own, Jean Breads on laser harp.

[Cut to Jean on laser harp. He just plays two keys and looks at Kenan]

[Cut to Kenan disappointed.]

Kenan: Is that it? Is that your whole solo?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I guess it has to be.

[Cut to Tommy]

Tommy: What do you mean? What’s wrong, Jean Breads?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Oh, nothing. It’s just every night, everyone’s solos get longer and longer, by the time I get there nobody is even listening.

[Cut to Shina and Blade]

Blade: Jean, we’re doing the same thing we always do. We always– we go…

[Shina and Blade start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Now, Shina Ray, Blade, let him finish his thought.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: It doesn’t matter. I mean, I’m only playing the most fantastic instrument ever made. It’s lasers!

[Cut to Tanya]

Tanya: Well then, play them Jean Breads.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, easy Tanya. We are in front of an audience.

[Cut to Shina and Blade]

Shina: That’s right guys. There are eight people here that wanna kill our show.

[Cut to the eight people in the audience]

[Bobby walks in]

Bobby: Whoop! Sorry, there’s nine now. Sorry, I just got here.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, well great. Would you like us to re-introduce ourselves?

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: Yeah. I would love that. Just so I know who’s on what instrument. Yes.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Okay. Real fast so that there’s plenty of time for Jean at the end. Let’s go. Tanya Grapes!

[Cut to Tanya. She plays keyboard solo.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Tommy T. Vilaris.

[Cut to Tommy. He plays a bass solo]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Joe Hobs.

[Cut to Joe. He plays drums solo.]

Kenan: Yeah, Joe. Shina Ray and Blade.

[Cut to Shina and Blade. They start singing and dancing.]

[Cut to Jean. He is dancing.]

Jean: Here we go. It’s my moment.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Hang on a second. I almost forgot, I sometimes play the sax.

[Kenan starts playing sax solo]

[Cut to Jean getting disappointed]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: And Jean Breads–

Jean: I quit.

Kenan: –on the laser harp.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Let me just tell ya’. I quit.

[Cut to the band]

All: No.

Joe: Don’t be like that, Jean.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I joined this band to be a part of a team.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: But you are, Jean Breads. You are a part of this.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I’m not if you don’t give me a chance to shine.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: You’re right. Please take all the time you need. Play your laser harp.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Great! I’m about to rock this place down.

[Jean starts playing his laser harp and dancing]

[Tommy comes in]

Tommy: Oh, he’s doing it. Look at the audience.

[Tommy leaves]

[Cut to the bar. There is no audience.]

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Wow!

Joe: I guess they’re leaving to tell their friends. Hit it guys!

[The End]\

Bad Girls

Stacey… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Gretchen… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Sasheer Zamata

Venessa Bayer

Josh… Beck Bennett

[Starts a Bad Girls band’s music video with girls posing in a car]

Stacey: Life is short. And we only get one chance to live it. So we do whatever the hell we want, whenever the hell we want. Because we’re bad girls and we do it well.

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Shorty’s fast food. Cecily is approaching the counter.]

Kenan: Hey, what can I get for you?

Cecily: Um, can I just do a turkey and avocado sandwich?

Kenan: Sure. You want a drink with that?

Cecily: No, no, no. That’s okay. But you know what? Actually, can I just do like a free cup for water…

[Cut to Cecily at the soda station looking around]

… that I’ma fill with lemonade.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to an elevator. Few people are getting in.]

Kyle: Hey, what floor guys?

Pete: Um, 62 please.

Jon: 66 for me please.

Kyle: For you?

Gretchen: 2.0

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer trying to get in the fine dining restaurant]

Taran: Um, we only receive full parties. Are all four of your members here?

Leslie: Oh, yeah. She’s just in the bathroom.

Taran: Fantastic. Right this way.

Leslie: The bathroom at her house.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Bobby with the trolley at the grocery store. Venessa comes with few items to put in the trolley]

Venessa: Okay, I think I got everything. Milk, broccoli and ice-cream.

Bobby: Oh! We already got an ice-cream.

Venessa: Oh, okay. I’ll just put it back… right here… by the bread.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Leslie, Stacey and Sasheer at the restaurant]

Sasheer: God, our waitress was terrible.

Leslie: Yeah, such a bad service.

Stacey: Well, it’s time to leave the tip. Think what I’m gonna do. Let’s still tip 20% because being server is hard and you don’t know what’s going on her day today.

Sasheer: Yeah.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Cut to Josh doing the dishes]

Josh: Dishes are all done babe. Can you just take out the trash? I think it’s full.

[Cut to Gretchen]

Gretchen: Um, sure.

[Gretchen looks at the bin. The bin looks full. She just kick-pushes the trash in to squeeze in making space available in the bin.]

Actually, it’s not full.

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls —

[Cut to Stacey at the restroom using the toilet. She’s out of toilet-tissues.]

Stacey: Shoot!

[Stacey looks at the socks she’s wearing, opens it and used it as a tissue]

[Cut to the music video]

All: [singing] Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[The girls are shooting guns at the sky]

Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well
Live fast, die young
Bad Girls do it well

[Josh walks in]

Josh: Hey! Hey! Hey! Gretchen!

Gretchen: Hi baby.

Josh: What are you dong? I told you to take out the trash and now you’re out here shooting guns with like, 50 women?

Gretchen: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Girls, I gotta go. But, Bad Girls for life, right?

[Gretchen hugs goodbye to her girls and runs to Josh]

Bye girls. Bye, bye, bye.

Stacey: [Smiling at Josh] Hi, Josh.

Josh: Hi, Stacey.

Stacey: We’re Bad Girls.

[The End]