Tag: Bowen Yang

Bratz Dolls

Mom… Heidi Gardner

Father… Kyle Mooney

Girl… Sarah Sherman

Jade… Selena Gomez

Gigi… Aidy Bryant

Dylan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a mother and a father talking to their daughter]

Mom: No nothing has to change, sweetie. And none of this is your fault.

Girl: But I don’t want you guys to get a divorce.

Dad: Don’t worry, we still love you very much.

Mom: And your dad loves a woman named Julia. We just think separating is what’s best for the family.

Girl: I think I just want to be alone if that’s okay.

Dad: Sure, honey. We’re here if you need us.

Girl: I guess this is growing up. Hmm. I wish I could talk to you guys about this. I can’t believe my dolls are my only friends. [magical sound. The three dolls come to life] Wow, what’s happening?

Gigi: Hey, tiny bitch.

Dylan: Sounds like you’re in a crisis.

Jade: And we’re your friends. So we’re here to help you.

Girl: Wait, what? Who are you guys?

[music playing]

Dylan: Well, we’re a global fashion sensation.

Jade: Sexy dolls for preteens.

Gigi: We are your Bratz doll.

All: We are girls with a passion for fashion clothes.

Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bratz

Girl: Bratz? You’re alive?

Gigi: Stupid queen. We watch over you every day. Like God but slutty.

Jade: We come to life every time a girl’s parents gets a divorce.

Dylan: Yeah, and we’re for girls who are too old for Claire’s, but too young for Talbots.

Jade: Jade. I have a flip phone boat, a dog salon, and I fight with my boyfriend a lot.

Gigi: I’m Gigi. I used to be an American Girl doll until I found sex.

Dylan: And me, I’m Dylan. I’m a boy Bratz. I have a hard time making male friends because we’re competitive about sports and girls.

Girl: Bratz, can you help me? I just feel like my parents divorce is all my fault.

Jade: Shut the hell up, you fluff. Your mom, she’s like a bitch.

Gigi: But what’s the deal with your dad? He’s interesting to us.

Girl: I don’t love how you asked that. I guess he’s a research analyst.

Dylan: That’s weird. He seems like a DJ who loves bottle service.

Girl: No.

Jade: Hot. What does his new girlfriend look like? Brunette? Blonde?

Gigi: Yeah. Or is she, like, a doll with giant eyes and platform flip flops?

Dylan: Or is she boy like me?

Girl: What? I just don’t get why my dad doesn’t love my mom anymore.

Gigi: Umm, I’ll tell you why. He probably likes girls who wear huge hats and have lips like this.

Girl: Okay, guys, I’m seriously having a hard time here. Don’t you have any real advice for me?

Jade: Yes. Always remember, be true. Be real. Be Bratz.

Girl: Okay, I’ll try that.

Gigi: Hey, no, we’re not done yet. Also be authentic. And be a bitch to every waiter you see.

She: All right, thank you.

Dylan: Stop interrupting us. Never forget, be a boy and then come out to your family as Bratz. And when they disown you, make these girls your chosen family.

All: Ba-da-da Chosen, Pam-pa-pam-pam Family

Girl: Okay, well, I still feel kind of sad. Can I have a hug?

Dylan: Um, no, sorry. We’re holding stuff.

Girl: No, you’re not.

Gigi: We might be later though.

Dylan: Yeah.

Girl: Okay, can you guys just shrink down and go back to being dolls now?

All: No.

Jade: We’re going to Miami with your dad.

All: Ha-ha-ha. Ba-da-da Bratz, Pam-pa-pam-pam Bitch.

Chuck E Cheese

Chloe Fineman

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Bowen Yang

Benedict Cumberbatch

Julie… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Munch… Kenan Thompson

Katie Carrot… Katie Carrot Strong

Pascuale the pizza chef… Aristotle Athari

[Starts Chloe getting a table in Chuck E. cheese’s]

Chloe: Come on, buddy, let’s grab our seats.

Mikey: Alright. I think the show is starting.

Alex: Hey, everybody, I know you came to see Chuck E. and his pals but we have some technical problems. And Chuck E. and the Pizza Time band are not running right now.

Chloe: Aw, that’s why we came.

Alex: Yeah, I know. I know. I’m sorry about that. But the show must go on.Good. Okay. And great news,  I reached out on Twitter to my favorite British band from 1983 and they were available. So please welcome Reflection Denied.

[Ben and Bowen walk to the stage]

Ben: Amongst the basil and the Pomodoro, did I experience my reverie? Here at Chuck E. Cheese, existing in the liminal space between them all and the highway. Before the big bang that was pizza?

[music playing]

Bowen: Greetings children and children of the mind. We are Reflection Denied but today I’m a vessel for the eponymous rodent, Charles Entertainment cheese.

Ben: And I for Fantasy Giles. Join us on a soundscape of pizza…

Bowen: Game…

Ben: And soulful longing.

Bowen: [singing] I reached self concept at the pizza plex.
I forgot my taste and smell

Ben: Games and sauce, games and sauce

Bowen: She bowling while I’m ski falling
you read my mind so well

Ben: Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky
deliver me, deliver me

Mikey: This is fun, right, bud?

Chloe: Is this for kids?

Mikey: I think it’s for him.

[Alex is dancing hard with no care]

Bowen: I cried alone in the bowl pit
Oh father, where are you?

Ben: Games and sauce, games and sauce

Bowen: Mr. Pender out of Dr. Pepper
Why today have bow

Ben: Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky
deliver me, deliver me

Bowen: If you’d like to book us for future gigs or tip us in Dippin Dots, please see Julie.

Chloe: Who is Julie?

Mikey: I’m guessing she is.

Ben and Bowen: Tokens for tickets, tickets for prizes
parents paying for dreams.
Win and old yoyo or an iPod Shuffle,
they’ve been here since 2003

Bowen: Now we bring dispatches of birthday celebration, Coby G and Mason S. congratulations on the anniversary of emerging from your mother’s vagina.

Ben: To the Indian Ridge Little League team, your coach says pizza is for winners. So tonight you starve.

Bowen: Huh? Do you hear that? The rumbling of 1000 hungers?

Ben: Is it?

Bowen: It is.

Ben: The physical voice of pizza, the insatiable Mr. Munch.

[Mr. Munch walks in]

Mr. Much: Querp, querp, querp,  querp,  querp,  querp,  querp
Pizza in my tummy.

Mikey: It’s Munch! He’s hungry, bud?

Bowen: Hungry for validation, for he was abandoned on a Ferris wheel and Malpais. The bastard child of a Cirque du Soleil performer and grimace. Applaud him, applaud his bravery.

Ben: Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky
deliver me, deliver me

Chloe: Oh, look. That’s Pascuale the pizza chef.

Mikey: Was he always so sexy?

[Pascuale the pizza chef runs around the stage and runs out.]

Ben: Now, children, a cautionary tale. Did you know that Chuck E. Cheese has a salad bar?

Bowen: An untouched place where hope goes to die. And here to tell us about it is Katie Carrot.

[Katie Carrot walks in wearing carrot costume]

Katie Carrot: Longing for contact under clear plastic,
broken disposable thongs
cold linguini, pepper on chini
where did we go wrong?
Romaine is all the remain

Ben: She’s dying.

Katie Carrot: Romaine is all that remains

Chloe: Wow. I know that carrot. I’ve been that carrot.

Ben: We’re all that carrot. Listen.

Bowen: Tonight, the call goes out to all the world. Throw off the shackles of your dark buzz, your religion, your racial animus.

Ben: And unite under one banner, the banner of pizza.

Bowen: Also the pink gun on the Time Crisis II game is broken.

Ben: Oh, yes. And someone left a diaper in the ball pit. Now unite and sing.

Ben: Oh pizza pie in the pizza sky
deliver me, deliver me

 

Spring Flowers

Mr. Greene Tom… Kenan Thompson

Pink flower… Chloe Fineman

Orange flower… Jake Gyllenhaal

Yellow flower… Cecily Strong

Red flower… Chris Redd

Honey bee… Bowen Yang

Weed… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Mr. Greene Tom watering the flowers in his garden]

Mr. Greene Tom: All right, my beautiful little spring bulbs. You’re getting bigger every day. And it looks like you’re thirsty for sprinkle.

Pink flower: Thank you Mr. Greene. We love those little sprinkles.

Orange flower: I know I love em’ a lot.

[Red flower blossoms]

Red flower: Excuse me. I’m a little confused. Yesterday I was just above in the earth. And now I’m different.

Yellow flower: Welcome to the flower bed, friend. We wondered when you’d arrive.

Pink flower: Yeah. You’re a late bloomer.

Orange flower: Not sexually. Just as a flower.

Yellow flower: You’re gonna like it here. Just about everything is perfect because

[singing] It’s spring, well everywhere, but I hope

Orange flower: Because there is still a lot of snow

Pink flower: but spring has finally sprung

All: Yeah, spring has finally sprung

Red flower: You’re right. I do like it here.

Hooray for spring and zing and Easter things

All: Spring, spring, spring, spring, spring

[A honey bee comes]

Honey bee: Hey everybody, what are we talking about?

Orange flower: We were just saying how wonderful spring is Mr. Bee?

Honey bee: Oh, yeah, spring is the best. Love Spring. [Honey bee starts to rub his bottom on Orange flower and moan. It looks sexual.]

Orange flower: Hey, wait. What are you doing?

Honey bee: What? I’m just doing what bees do. It’s okay.

Orange flower: It doesn’t feel okay.

Pink flower: It looks like you’re having sex with his head.

Honey bee: No, no, I’m just getting pollen on my my legs or whatever. It’s all very natural and necessary.

[Honey bee jumps to Pink flower]

Pink flower: Wait! Don’t do me after you just did him.

Yellow flower: [disgusted] Can you believe this?

Red flower: I know! It’s like, when is it gonna be my turn?

Honey bee: Oh, I’ll get to everybody.

Red flower: Oh god, it tickles.

Honey bee: Shut up, shut up. I’m close.

Orange flower: What do you do with all this pollen anyway?

Honey bee: I basically squeeze a load of goop out of my butt and then people eat it. Pretty kinky, right?

Mr. Greene Tom: Ay! Get out of here, you silly bee! Don’t you be bothering my pretty flowers.

Pink flower: Wow, thank goodness that’s over.

[weed pops up]

Weed: Yeah, pretty harrowing, right?

Orange flower: Wait, who are you?

Weed: Just another flower. Like you guys?

Yellow flower: Are you sure you’re not a weed?

Weed: I’m a flower. Hey, can I choke you a little bit?

Pink flower: Choke me? No.

Weed: Okay. Why not though? I think you might like it.

Orange flower: Hey, get away from us, weirdo. You’re not a flower. You don’t belong here.

Weed: Oh, you don’t think I belong here? You don’t want me in your little gated flower community? Are you hearing this ball?

Red flower: Ah-hah.

Weed: Come on! Just let me choke you.

Pink flower: Stop!

Yellow flower: Can you believe this?

Red flower: I know. It’s like, when is it going to be my turn?

Mr. Greene Tom: Ay! Go away, you stupid weed. Take that! [puts medicine on it]

Weed: Ah! You can kill me but you can’t kill the revolution.

Pink flower: Wow. A lot happens in this garden bed.

Red flower: At least today hasn’t been all bad. We’re all together and there’s not a cloud in the sky.

Pink flower: Wait. There is a cloud.

Yellow flower:  Why is the cloud so furry?

Orange flower: And why does the cloud have a dog penis? [a pug is on the garden]

Mr. Greene Tom: Mr. Peanut, don’t do that on my flowers.

[pug pees on flowers]

Pink flower: Ah! what is that? What is that hot liquid?

Orange flower: It’s so salty.

Red flower: I don’t mind.

Yellow flower: I’m getting out of here. Oh my god! I don’t have legs. Where are my legs?

Pink flower: Make it stop!

Orange flower: It’s so dark! this dog must be dehydrated.

Red flower: Ah! When is it gonna be my turn?

Mr. Greene Tom: Get out of there, Mr. Peanut. Oh my poor flowers are soaked.

Pink flower: Wow, I guess maybe being a flower isn’t always cracked up to be.

Yellow flower: Don’t say that. Don’t you ever. It’s been a long gray winter and people need us. Our beautiful colors and our sweet aromas. Even if right now we don’t exactly smell so good.

All: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Orange flower: Yeah, right. Look at the smile on Mr. Greene Tom’s face right now.

Mr. Greene Tom: All right, let’s see which one is gonna look good on the vase buys on my table.

[Mr. Greene Tom cuts off a flower]

Orange flower: [screaming in pain] Ah! Ah!

[green blood is spilled all over other flowers.]

Pink flower: Oh, they killed Jake Flower-haal.

Yellow flower: Oh my god. Is that who that was?

Weed: Man, this garden is crazy. Can I choke you a little bit?

Red flower: Finally, ha-ha-ha.

Cabaret Night

Mikey Day

Jake Gyllenhaal

Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with announcer on a stage]

Mikey: Hello everyone. We hope you’re enjoying the music and dinner. If anyone drove here in a blue Toyota Corolla, I just want to say I have the same car. So let’s talk. And now without further ado, our biggest act of the night, the singers for tonight is a special reunion. They haven’t performed together in five years. But we are so lucky that they are all back in town tonight. Please welcome the Singers Four.

[Singers Four walk in]

Jake: Hello, everybody. I see some beautiful waters and breads in the crowd.

Bowen: We are the Singers Four and we are so glad to be with you tonight.

Cecily: You know so many songs are dedicated to greatness. But we’ve lived long enough to know that not everyone can be great. Some of us are just walking around.

Kate: This song goes out to the folks in the middle, celebrating the little things.

Bowen: Because it’s what we’ve got, it’s all we want. And it’s actually a lot.

Kate: [singing] I don’t have taste, I don’t have class

Cecily: I’ve been Passover, I’ve been picked last.

Bowen: I’m not winning any medal

Jake: Not number one, two or three.

Cecily: Who the hell is counting?

Kate: But I’ve made my bed every day this month.

Cecily: I can parallel park under any condition.

Jake: When I pump inside of a lady stuff comes out.

All: And that’s my thing for me

Jake: Look, no one can climb Everest. But you know what I just did?

Cecily: Well, tell us Johnny.

Jake: I finished an entire chapstick without losing it.

Kate: I’ve never done that.

Jake: I know. And I think that means I’m a good dad.

Bowen: That’s exactly what it means.

Kate: I’m not a queen, I’m not the best

Cecily: Might not be special, might not be blessed.

Jake: If it’s graded on a curve, I’m the one getting Bs

Kate: That’s almost an A.

Bowen: But this morning, I woke up two minutes before my alarm.

Cecily: I used to smoke but then I stopped.

Jake: My email inbox has zero email

All: And that’s my thing for me

Jake: So tell me, what are we all hanging our hats on these days?

Kate: Well, I’ll never win the Nobel Prize. But I can say that I met Eric Nies.

Cecily: Wow. And who is that?

Kate: He was in the original cast to the Real World.

Cecily: Well, that’s terrific. You know, one thing that I like to tell people about me is that I’m not the best at sex.

Bowen: Okay, tell me more.

Cecily: Well, it’s not gonna be anything new. But I guarantee one thing, you’re not going to feel scared or upset.

Bowen: That’s the point.

Jake: You go girl.

Bowen: My grandmother says I’m classically handsome.

Kate: I grew out of a peanut allergy.

Cecily: I don’t know why, but I never got COVID

Bowen: And I hated Hamilton before it was cool.

Jake: Once a year, I call off of work,
I pretend I’m sick and I go to the movies,

then I go home and my wife says “How was work”
and I say good and nobody knows

All: And that’s my thing for me

Kate: Come on. Every dinner, it can’t be steak. Sometimes it’s all wet pasta in a Tupperware. Grow up.

Cecily: Every night can’t be the best night of your life. It’d be exhausting. You’d end up in a hospital.

Jake: Gold isn’t the only metal? What is gold do? Sparkle? Who cares? You know what does a– what– what– what– What tin does? It preserves tomatoes forever.

Bowen: And fine. We don’t have Grammy’s. But we have Grammys of weed. Which is what I call it when I don’t have that much weed left.

Kate: I do not read, I do not floss

Cecily: The world that saw me and said get lost

Jake: I don’t have any trophies but I have a TV

Cecily: He can watch whatever he wants.

Kate: Some people are faster, some people are hotter
but I put lemon in my water

Bowen: Sure, I’m not regal, sure I’m not rich
but when I cook chicken it’s never dry, bitch!

Jake: I don’t have money, I don’t have power
but every time I use it I clean one part of the shower

Cecily: Sure, I don’t write poems that transcend
but I have a son and he has a friend

All: And that’s enough for me

PostCOVID Game Show

Lisa Something… Kate McKinnon

Derek… Jerrod Carmichael

Jennifer… Sarah Sherman

Victor… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time for your favorite post COVID Game Show.

Collective voice: Is My Brain Okay?

Male voice: With your host, Lisa Something.

[Cut to Lisa in the game show set]

Lisa: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the game all of us play every day, Is My Brain Okay? Whether it was the year in isolation, the two years without any semblance of society, or the virus itself physically shrinking our brains. One thing’s for sure, we got stupid. Before we get started, let’s meet our contestants. Derek from Queens. What do you do before COVID?

Derek: I was a Marketing Director for IBM.

Lisa: Um-hmm. And what do you do now?

Derek: Mushrooms?

Lisa: I get it. I took a bunch before the show. Jennifer from Indianapolis, tell us fun fact about yourself.

Jennifer: Good. Thank you. How are you?

Lisa: Oh-oh. And Victor from New Mexico. How are you feeling today?

Victor: Tired for no reason.

Lisa: Terrific. Now, you all know how the game works. Every answer is something you definitely knew before COVID. But does your brain still remember it? Let’s find out. First question. What is this called?

[The screen shows a picture of a wheelbarrow. The contestants are thinking.]

Remember? somebody used to carry things?

Jennifer: Bicycle.

Lisa: No. Let’s see it in a back yard.

Derek: Form bicycle.

Lisa: No. Got a wheel in the front?

Victor: Wheel monkey. Oh, sorry. Sorry. We were looking for wheelbarrow.

Derek: I knew that.

Lisa: You did. You did know that in 2019. Now it’s just a farm bicycle. Okay, next question. What day of the week is it?

Jennifer: That’s easy. Tuesday?

Lisa: Nope. Not even close.

Victor: What is Thursday?

Lisa: And you don’t have to phrase it as a question.

Victor: No, no, I was genuinely asking what is Thursday?

Lisa: Derrick, what day of the week is it?

Derek: Okay. I remember that yesterday was my birthday. And my best friend texted “Birthday on a Friday night dog? What we doing to celebrate?” And I got so anxious I didn’t respond and went to sleep before 5PM. So today must be Saturday.

Lisa: Correct. Yes. And bonus follow up, Derek. What month is it?

Derek: June.

Lisa: Oh, sorry, we would have accepted. February, March, April or May. But let’s put 100 points on the board for Derek. Whoever has the most points at the end, we’ll have that number of stem cells injected into their brain in the hopes of… What’s the word? The thing you do with cars?

Victor: Tyres.

Lisa: No. When the battery’s dead? You gotta like–

Derek: Sell the car.

Lisa: No. What you do with the cable.

Jennifer: Wheelbarrow.

Lisa: No. Jumpstart. The stem cells will jumpstart your brain again. Dammit, what is with me?

Victor: You’re depressed.

Lisa: No, no, no, no, I wasn’t really asking.

Jennifer: You never felt more alone.

Lisa: Stop guessing.

Derek: You want to call your therapist but she blocked your number. [right answer bell]

Lisa: Oh my god. How did you know that?

Derek: You just give off that exact aura.

Lisa: All right, let’s give Derek 100 more points, which means he’s unlocked a bonus question that involves a mystery guest. [Another guy named Derek walks in] Derek, who is this?

Derek: Oh, that’s easy. That’s one of my best friends from college.

Lisa: Uh-huh. And what’s his name?

Derek: He was one of my best friends.

Lisa: You said that. What’s his name?

Derek: I know some regular like, Greg or Steve. Right?

Another Derek: We lived together for three years, man.

Lisa: Sorry, Derek. The correct answer is Derek.

Derek: We got the same name?

Another Derek: That was our whole thing made, D-one D-two.

Derek: Damn. That’s really bad, man. I’m sorry. We should go get a drink sometime. Like catch up.

[Red light’s over the set]

Lisa: Oh-oh! The sound of someone inviting a friend to drinks when they have no intention of ever getting drinks, means we’re out of time. Let’s go to the final question to determine if your brain is okay? Contestants write down your answers please. If you have to talk to a person, what’s a good way to start? And go?

[The contestants are writing. Jennifer is licking the table.]

All right, let’s let’s see your idea of how to start a conversation? Jennifer, I noticed you wrote with your tongue.

Jennifer: Well, there’s still still one variant I haven’t gotten yet.

Lisa: Wow. Jennifer said “Let me be inside you now.” And Jennifer who do you imagine saying that to?

Jennifer: Anyone from strangers to parents.

Lisa: Okay, I’m sorry. That’s incorrect. Your brain not okay. Victor, how would you start a conversation? Let’s see. “Heaven must be missing an angel because when I woke up there was a glowing figure hovering over my bed. I guess it could have been a ghost. I’m worried I’m losing my grip on reality. Ha-ha-ha.”

Victor: I’ve given the ghost a name Blue Bar.

Lisa: Okay, well that’s that’s very incorrect. Your brain is also bad.

Victor: Ha-ha-ha. When you talk, all I picture is the skeleton inside your head.

Lisa: Well, Mama. Okay. Derrick, it’s down to you and you wrote “If you set the clock ahead, you don’t have to be alive as long.” And you know something? You’re right, Derek.

Derek: Oh my god, I won?

Lisa: That’s right. You came up with a great way to minimize the time we’re awake and alive. And you can choose your prize, a two week all inclusive trip to Hawaii or you can go back to your apartment and stay there.

Derek: Apartment.

Lisa: They always say apartment thanks for watching “Is My Brain Okay?” If you got to ask, it’s probably not. Goodnight.

Baby Clothes

Bowen Yang

Jerrod Carmichael

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Andrew Dismukes

Cara.. Heidi Gardner

[Starts with adults enjoying watching their babies]

Bowen: Cara, It’s  so sweet. You got these onesies for all the kids.

Cara: You know he’s gonna be a heartbreaker just like his dad.

Chloe: Oh, look, they’re like a tiny little baby couple.

Chris: Or, not to assume. Maybe that’s weird for you guys.[Because Bowen and Jerrod are a gay couple] Sorry.

Bowen: No, we think it’s cute.

Female voice: You love seeing your little one as a future heartbreaker. But what if you don’t want to assume your baby’s going to be straight? Now you don’t have to. With the new “Born This Way” line from Osh Kosh F*Gosh. Your little Tyke will look adorable without being so exclusive. With sayings like “Future twink”, “Lil Lez”, “Messy DJ” and “In the closet because I can’t walk.”

Cara: Doesn’t he look great. I pray to God My son is gay.

Chris: I know. I would love that.

Female voice: Born This Way has designes your baby will love. Like wordplay.

Chloe: Rock-a-bi baby.

Cara: My mommy had a daddy.

Female voice: Political statemets.

Chris: I love milk… Harvey Milk. Rip.

Jerrod: Silence equals violence but crying equals hungry.

Bowe: Alexander Hamilton was a turf.

Female voice: And Butch.

Andrew: Aw, that is this? A tiny belt loop or a ring of keys? The slaves.

Chris: Some parents force their kids to wear a little sports jerseys. My son can be whoever he wants.

Jerrod: Imagine boxing a child into something that doesn’t feel right. I would hate that.

Cara: It’s so archaic to pierce your baby’s ears for baptism. Our kids will never have to confirm to something they don’t want. Thanks, Born This Way.

Chloe: Aw, it looks like they’re dating.

Andrew: Oh please, they’re not exclusive. You know how gay guys are.

Female voice: Born This Way, from Osh Kosh F*gosh. Oh relax, it’s not like they can read.

White House TikTok Meeting Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Jen Psaki… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: This week as the warring Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country were shut off leaving only one source of information, TikTok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a national security briefing with some of the nation’s top TikTok creators. We take you now inside that historic meeting.

[Cut to TikTok creators inside White House with President Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Thank you all so much for coming and answering your nation’s call in time and need.

TikToker 1: Oh, yeah, sure.

TikToker 2: Hey, no problem.

TikToker 3: I’m 14.

TikToker 4: Our schedules are super flexible.

TikToker 5: Yeah. And we love White House.

Jason Derulo: [singing] Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: I also want to thank my Press Secretary Jen Psaki for having the vision to set this up.

Jen Psaki: I suggested it as a joke and then it actually happened.

Joe Biden: People are saying this is the first war fought on TikTok which is tough for me because I’m the landline of presidents. That’s why I need you. Okay. I understand Putin. I understand war. There’s one thing I don’t understand, computer.

Jen Psaki: He means technology but he says computer.

Joe Biden: Computer very mean to me. Computer always asked to run an update right when I turn computer on. Whenever I type in “Malarkey”, Computer say “Did you mean magenta?”

Jen Psaki: The point is we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media. So yeah, you.

TikToker 1: Hey, guys, I’m an actress from the CW.

Joe Biden: Great, what’s your name?

TikToker 1: Actress from the CW. And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there’s something even more powerful we can attack him with, poems.

Jen Psaki: Oh, no, it’s that girl.

TikToker 1: [music playing in the background]

Dear Vladimir Putin. If I was your mother, I would have loved you more. If I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. If I was your baby brother, I–

Jen Psaki: Thank you. Thank you. I think– yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions?

TikToker 1: Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. [dancing]

Joe Biden: What’s happening? Do you see anything?

Jen Psaki: I think she’s expecting text to show up.

Joe Biden: All right. Then you, what’s your thing?

TikToker 5: Oh, me? Let’s just say I do raps and pranks. Maybe you’ve heard of my squad “The BooBoo boys”.

Jen Psaki: I think you know the President has never heard of the BooBoo boys.

Joe Biden: Wait a second. The BooBoo boys? Don’t you live in the Crenshaw house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry?

TikToker 5: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, we got a BooBoo head.

Joe Biden: Y’all, y’all, one time they prank the dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. It was hilarious.

Jen Psaki: That sounds like an amazing hobby.

TikToker 5: Yeah, we made $30 million last year.

Jen Psaki: God, I hate this world. Did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin?

TikToker 5: Yeah, I’m cooking some up.

Jen Psaki: Is it pushing him down a flight of stairs?

TikToker 5: It is.

Jen Psaki: All right. That’s cool. What about you?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: Yeah, I know. That’s your name. What do you do?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: I’m skipping you. You’re You’re skipped.

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: Hey. How about your little girl? You look incredibly cute.

TikToker 3: Me? Thank you. I do silly animal makeup for kids.

Joe Biden: Well, that’s adorable. Oh, what do you think we could do to win this war?

TikToker 3: Oh, you mean the one started by your son Hunter Biden? With his pal that Burisma? Where’s the laptop? Is he in this room?

Jen Psaki: Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey.

Joe Biden: You don’t expect the animal makeup girl to be all right. Who’s this random middle aged guy?

TikToker 2: Oh, yeah. Hello. My name is Charles F. Emilio. I’m a roofer from Pittsburgh.

Joe Biden: Why are you here?

TikToker 2: I don’t know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charli D’Amelio, the Joe BidenJason Derulo year old girl with Joe BidenTikToker 20 million followers on the TikTok.

Jen Psaki: That sounds right.

TikToker 2: So I tell you what, I’m gonna head out. But first, you don’t have to have an extra one of those COVID Steamy chicks laying around by any chance. Do you?

Joe Biden: I’m afraid not.

Jen Psaki: We don’t, I’m sorry.

TikToker 2: All right. All right. Well, good luck with the World War and not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but maybe you should put someone up on a roof and ping-pong-pow-pow-pow. [Hand gesture showing shooting with gun] Y’all have a good one.

Joe Biden: Thank you.

Jen Psaki: All right, it’s down to you. What do you do?

TikToker 4: Who, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing and I go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: What would you do about Ukraine?

TikToker 4: Um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Jen Psaki: How did you get here today?

TikToker 4: You flew me first class from California. And on the plane I went up behind the pilot and said “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: That’s actually the best plan I’ve heard so far.

[TikToker 7 walks in]

TikToker 7: Hang on. You haven’t heard from me. Sorry, I’m late guys. Some reason security was giving me a hard time.

Joe Biden: Okay, this is awesome. Who the heck are you?

TikToker 7: Oh, I’m just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on TikTok, it’s like me and Reese Witherspoon.

Jen Psaki: We were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea.

TikToker 7: Hey, don’t do that. Don’t just yank the plunger off the nipple like that. The idea of asking TikTok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. Remember, they said the same thing about the radio and World War II. Never underestimate the importance of new technology. We haven’t reaches young people in ways you can never understand. TikTok is in some childish gimmick. It has more power and more influence than the nightly news.

Joe Biden: That was truly inspiring, young man.

TikToker 7: I’m 55. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna move this plunger to my crotch attach a knife at the end and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Dont Stop Believin

Heidi Gardner

Clara… Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a group of friends at a restaurant]

Heidi: So after 36 hours they said, “Sorry, ma’am. We found the killer. You can go.”

[everyone laughs]

Clara: Classic.

Chris: All the uses.

Ego: Unrelated, has anyone heard that new Doja Cat song?

Clara: Oh yeah, it’s so fresh. She’s such a forward thinking artist.

Chris: Not yet. But everyone’s gotta listen to a Lil’ Dirk’s Straight Fire.

Bowen: Oh, speaking of Straight Fire, you know what I’ve been really into lately? The marching band version of Don’t Stop Believing.

Clara: What?

Bowen: Yeah, yeah, I’ve been like mainlining that track? I mean, I have it queued up actually. You guys want to hear it?

Chris: No, that’s okay.

Bowen: Aww. Come on. Let me break you off a piece.

Ego: Don’t ever call playing music that.

Bowen: Cortana play “Don’t Stop Believin” by Ohio State University marching band.

Chris: Is that a Windows phone?

Ego: Did you just say Believin?

Bowen: Yeah, there’s a typo on Spotify. Shut up. It’s starting. [music playing] Do you guys hear?

Heidi: Hear what?

Bowen: It’s Tubas playing the baseline. Like who thinks of that?

Chris: Marching band?

Bowen: Shh.

Ego: What are we waiting for?

Bowen: It’s coming. There. The drums. Taka-taka-taka-taka-taka-taka. It’s like steam arising from the asphalt after a sun shower, and just percolating up and up and up and up and upward. Imagine walking down the street to this, feeling invincible. Like your whole life is ahead of you, like you’re on your way to your high school graduation and you’re going to make real mistakes in life into a song of gradual building until suddenly–

Chris: Is it over?

Bowen: It’s just beginning.

[Waiter walks in with the food]

Waiter: Hey, who ordered–

[Bowen throws away the food]

Bowen: Not now!

Clara: This is incredible.

Bowen: So you feel it too? Like…

Clara and Bowen: Anything is possible and all that was once beautiful can be again?

Bowen: Wait! Stop here. The instruments are doing the thing that Steven Tyler is singing.

Ego: Steven Tyler wasn’t in journey.

Bowen: It doesn’t matter. Okay? The music is transporting me. Am I in heaven or am I on Rainbow Road and freaking Mario Kart eight?

Clara: Oh! Imagine playing play Mario Kart to this song.

Bowen: Argh, sister, I’ve done it. And look. Now they’re doing the guitar part with a trumpet.

Clara: I didn’t know trumpet could do guitar.

Bowen: Well, they can. [singing loudly]

Chris: Those aren’t the words.

Ego: And no one has ever called it San Francisc.

Bowen: Okay, I’m getting hits to off. None of you are getting my money when I die. Except Clara.

Clara: You know the first time meeting and I really disliked you based off your social media posts, but I am so happy to be wrong. Who is this again?

Bowen: It’s the OSU marching band after album Buff by Bangers? They’re like the biggest band in the world. And violins.

Clara: And that cello.

Bowen: Oh my god, it’s amazing. [singing loudly]

Clara: Seriously, imagine playing Mario Kart eight and hearing this!

Bowen: It honestly inspires me to do so much better at Mario Kart. I just started read shelling the hell out of tone while I’m cruising down Rainbow Road which is where…

Clara and Bowen: This all takes place.

Chris: The marching band version of “Don’t Stop Believin” takes place on Rainbow Road?

Bowen: It does. If you don’t stop Belevin and are taken us home.

Clara: That was amazing. I’ve never heard a song without words before. I can’t believe it’s over.

Bowen: Me neither. But in many ways, it’s just beginning. Life that is.

Ego: Are you guys about to hook up?

Chris: That doesn’t make any sense.

Heidi: You’re both gay.

Bowen: Not anymore.

Clara: I still am.

Bowen: Me too. Cortana, play the Vinyl Belts. [singing loudly]

Workplace Harrassment

Maria… Cecily Strong

Donald… Oscar Isaac

Kevin… Kenan Thompson

Deborah… Aidy Bryant

Lyle… Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with Maria and Donald holding the HR meeting]

Maria: All right, everybody settled?

Donald: Everyone settle in, okay?

Maria: Let’s settle in everyone.

Donald: Please settle, please settle.

Kevin: We’re settled.

Donald: Okay. All right. For those of you who don’t know us, my name is Donald.

Maria: And my name is Maria. And we are your HR representatives here at Lynx Pharmaceuticals.

Donald: That’s right? We’re the ones that you come to when you have anonymous complaints. Like when Deborah told us what Kevin was doing.

Kevin: [looking at Deborah] You ratted on me, Deborah.

Deborah: I didn’t. I did not. No. I mean, why would I even care that you wait outside the women’s room and say “How did it go in there?”

Kevin: Just a simple good or bad would suffice.

Maria: Guys? We’re not here to lecture Kevin again.

Donald: God knows we spent enough time on Kevin, thanks to complaints from Deborah and Lyle.

Maria: Guys, today is our annual harassment seminar. And I know what you’re thinking, “We have to sit through this again? I’m gonna blow my fricking brains out.”

Donald: “Argh! This whole spiel again? I’m gonna blow my god damn brains out.”

Ego: Please stop saying that.

Maria: We promise we are going to get this over with as quickly as possible so you can get back to work.

Donald: That’s right. And Kevin can get back to peeking under bathroom stalls.

Kevin: [looking at Lyle] You told him about that?

Lyle: Your face was fully under my stall.

Maria: Okay, this is real simple, guys. We’re just going to run through a couple scenarios and you guys tell us whether they’re appropriate or inappropriate. Okay?

Donald: Here’s the first one.

Maria: What if Maria says to Donald – “Wow, looks like those workouts you’ve been doing are really paying off.”

Ego: I would say that’s inappropriate.

Maria: Wrong.

Donald: Let’s try another one. Okay, what if Donald said to Maria – “Wow, how often are you going to the gym? Your body is seriously fantastic.”

Deborah: I mean, that’s very inappropriate.

Donald: Sorry, no.

Maria: Try to really focus this time. Maria comes up behind Donald and says, “Damn, do you live at the gym or something? Because that juicy booty slack.”

Bowen: Wildly inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s not because I’m her boss.

Maria: See? Try to really listen, guys.

Donald: Okay. What if Maria’s boss said to Maria – “Hey, when are you going to start banging out kids? The clock is ticking baby.”

Bowen: Again, very inappropriate.

Maria: What if my boss is my grandfather? And he just really wants grandkids.

Bowen: Okay, but he shouldn’t be saying it at work in front of other people.

Deborah: And wait, I thought Donald was your boss.

Donald: [mocking] I thought Donald was– You know what? This isn’t a game Deborah. Next slide.

Maria: Donald says to Maria – “Hey, N word, are you going to the gym later? Or am I gonna have to drag your thick ass there myself?”

Bowen: It’s really awful and inappropriate.

Donald: Actually, it’s fine.

Ego: Actually, it’s not.

Maria: He didn’t mean that N word. He meant nice.

Bowen: He was saying “Hey, nice”?

Maria: Yeah. Because he’s a chatty and he says “Hey, you’re nice”, all the time.

Ego: That’s also inappropriate.

Donald: Not if she is my boss.

Lyle: Also, why  all of these examples about the two of you?

Maria: Wow! The two of us? That’s how you see it.

Donald: Wow. So you see a man and a woman working together, so automatically you think they’re having raw intercourse?

Lyle: No one said that.

Maria: You see a woman in a hot skirt suit, nothing underneath and just because your eyes are going “Ahoo-kaa” hoping she’s gonna take a bite out of her boss’s fat bottom sandwich, that automatically means they’re about to have raw intercourse.

Deborah: Stop saying raw intercourse.

Donald: Oh, will you shut up Deborah? Kevin was worried about what he said during the investigation. You are an uptight bitch.

Deborah: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Maria: Exactly. [Maria and Donald start clapping]

Donald: You hear that? It’s clapping.

Maria: We’re clapping for you. Because we’re not your HR representatives.

Donald: No. We’re from a group called “It could be worse.” And we show employees that no matter how bad your workplace environment might be, it could be worse.

Maria: It could be way worse.

Ego: What are we supposed to do with this information?

Donald: Right? So I want you all to walk back into your offices, take a deep breath, just start typing.

Ego: He has no idea what we do.

Donald: Right when you’re finished taping your types, you just go home for the day. The women to their hunky husbands and the men to their shrill, nagging wives. And I want you to think about us and how we showed you a new way to work, a new way to live, maybe even a new way to love.

Maria: You’ll wonder, “What ever happened to those two? Did they end up going to the men’s room and having raw intercourse?”

Donald: And the answer is yes. Yes, they did.

[Maria and Donald walk out]

[Kevin is wearing a GoPro camera on his forehead]

Kevin: Unrelated, which stall are you going to be using?

All: Kevin!

Fox News Ukraine Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Laura Ingram… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Steven Seagal… Bowen Yang

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Kimberly Guilfoyle… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now live from Mar-A-Lago, it’s the Fox News Ukrainian Invasion Celebration Spectacular.  With your hosts Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram.

[Cut to the show set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening everyone, I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like a pair of both shoes came to life.

Laura Ingram: And I’m Laura Ingram and when I watch Harry Potter, I root for Voldemort.

Tucker Carlson: We got into a weird a bit of trouble for all the nice things we said about Russia and the mean things we said about Ukraine.

Laura Ingram: We did sound pretty awful in hindsight and foresight.

Tucker Carlson: I kept asking why do we hate Putin? Aren’t liberals in America even worse?

Laura Ingram: Right. And I called the president of Ukraine pathetic. He stayed and fought with his people in the war, and I called him pathetic from a news desk in Washington.

Tucker Carlson: I kept saying we should be more worried about our own border getting invaded by Mexico, but in my defense, I am racist. So I thought that was true.

Laura Ingram: But tonight, we’re gonna make it up to you. We’re raising money for the real victims of this invasion, the oligarchs, because we need to think about the babies. Their Sugar Babies who will pour vodka in their mouths. So many horny mouths to feed.

Tucker Carlson: So please open your wallets. And because this is Fox News, you can either send money or take out a reverse mortgage. So far, we’ve raised over 8.3 billion rubles, which comes out to almost $12.

Laura Ingram: And this is incredibly exciting. Former and current President of the United States, Donald Trump is manning the phone lines himself.

Donald Trump: [talking on the phone] And you know, the thing about Rihanna is you know what, she could pull it off, but she could be nine months, body’s still incredible. It’s just wow. But now you’re gonna have a lot of women. We’re seeing this right now. Threes, fours, frankly trolls, wearing the same see through shirts. You know what? I hesitate to say whales because I know the whales are very popular with the whales. I do great with whales. You know, they come up to me on the beach and they say “Thank you, Mr. President.” You know, the blowhole is blasting away to Donald Trump00 feet in the air. It’s how they salute me.

Tucker Carlson: Okay, welcome back to Mr. President. Because our first guest is here. He’s a great American patriots, so great that he left America and became a Russian citizen, the puffy hast action star in the world Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Thank you, Tucker. Oh, what a global crisis we are facing. As someone who proudly pretends to be both Native American and Japanese, I feel for all people.

Tucker Carlson: Now, you’re close with President Putin, right?

Steven Seagal: Yes, Putin and I are, as they say in ancient Japan, Eskimo brothers. So I will be honoring Putin by performing an authentic taekwondo exhibition. Hai-ya Hai-ya Hi-yo. Now, it’s time to honor myself with a traditional Japanese shamrock shake, the efficient feasible beverage of all Aikido exhibitions. Haiy-ya.

Laura Ingram: Thank you, Steven. Now, let’s get back in with the man who said Putin’s invasion was very smart and also said China should invade Taiwan next. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: [still talking on the phone] My favorite food is probably bread and more specifically, bun. I like bun. Bun is great. Especially with respect to burger. You know what? Now they want to go beyond burger. Can you believe that? I want to stay right at Burger. Beyond is not good. Joe Biden has gotten beyond burger and it is not going so well. And you know what? Neither has reboot a Fresh Prince. It’s very different and I’m laughing and I’m laughing and I’m laughing but I don’t know why.

Laura Ingram: I do hear a dial tone on the other end of that phone. So let’s hear what kind of prizes we’re giving away tonight.

Tucker Carlson: Laura, we’re sending every Russian soldier a Fox News care package. And that includes My Pillow, a six month subscription to LifeLock, and Tucker Carlson0 American flag catheters.

Laura Ingram: All courtesy to tonight’s sponsor Acorn Stairlifts. You’re going to heaven soon. Practice going up with Acorn Stairlift.

Tucker Carlson: Now, please welcome America’s first couple, the real Prince Harry and Meghan Markel, Don Jr. And Kimberly Guilfoyle. They’re going to be performing duet in honor of Russia and Ukraine coming together.

[Instrumental to “Shallow” playing]

Kimberly Guilfoyle: [singing] Tell me something boy
Don’t you love that big Russian Convo
or do you need more?
This invasion gets me so damn hard

Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle: In the shaa-shallow
we’re far from the shallow now

Kimberly Guilfoyle: I’m off the deep end
we should take Ukraine
it’s more white than black

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. I’m gonna cut that one a little short. Thank you, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Is there a bathroom with a mirrored counter nearby?

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, man, it’s Mar-A-Lago Okay. All right, guys, you know I do have a quick announcement. Is anybody driving a yacht with a license plate “niet means da”? Your boat is currently being towed by NATO.

Laura Ingram: Also, Putin has just criminalized free speech and shut down all independent news organizations.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah, so I’m thinking can we please do that to CNN?

[Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingram laughing]

Laura Ingram: Every time I laugh, an Angel dies.

Tucker Carlson: Now, let’s take a quick break. When we come back, we’ll be giving away a free T shirt.

Laura Ingram: That’s right. The front says “I stormed the Capitol”, and the back says “This does not constitute an admission of guilt”.

Tucker Carlson: And plus, win tickets to see Matt Gaetz do a live reading of his favorite Russian novel, Bolita.

Donald Trump: And I’ve got something I’d like to say to Putin as well. Vladimir, I want you to hear this from me. You was smart, you was kind, you was important. And here’s a little song for me to you.

[singing] My funny valentine
sweet comic valentine
you make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
unphotographable
Yet you’re my favorite work of art.

Laura Ingram: [interrupting] Thank you so much–

Donald Trump: [continues] Is your figure less than Greek
is your mouth a little weak
when you open it to speak
are you smart?

Tucker Carlson: [interrupting] Alright, that’s more than generous–

Donald Trump: [continues] But don’t change a hair for me
not if you care for me
stay little valentine, stay
Each day is Valentine’s Day
I love you, Vlad

Laura Ingram: I know he loves you too.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.