Tag: Bowen Yang

Aidys Dream

Aidy Bryant

Oscar Isaac

Bowen Yang

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Aidy Bryant in her makeup room]

Aidy: Oh, hi. I’m SNL’s Aidy Bryant. You know, over my 10 years on the show, I have played dozens of teachers, principals, mothers, women named Diane, Susan or teacher. I have loved all of these sweet nurturing women. But the show said that if I played 150 of them, then as a reward, I could write a sketch of my own choosing, you know, to show a different side of myself. So tonight, this is that sketch. Enjoy.

[Cut to the sketch. Oscar is being dressed by Bowen and Kyle.]

Oscar: Oh good god, I’m so nervous. I can’t believe she agreed to go on a date with me, a lose and a fool.  How do I look?

Bowen: You look fantastic, so I’m sure she’ll be titillated.

Kyle: But you’re right to be scared. She is the most widely desired woman in the world.

Oscar: Oh, I’m sick. I’m sick with feeling for this woman. [doorbell ringing.] It’s her. Pray for me, boys.

Aidy: Oh, hello. Now, scram, boys, and leave this man to me.

Oscar: Oh, my God. You are so beautiful and sexual. And I can tell your personality is also very good.

Aidy: Oh, God, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a man say that, I’d have so many coins, it’d be annoying.

Oscar: Oh, sensual woman. You make me so horny. I see why they cool you the sexual woman.

[Cut back to Aidy in herm makeup room]

Aidy: So, yes. I lied to Oscar Isaac. I told him I have a famous recurring character on the show called “The Sexual Woman”. Is that a crime?

[Cut to the sketch. Isaac is brushing Aidy’s hair.]

Oscar: I’m the luckiest man on earth to be brushing your hair. Mind if I get a little closer?

Aidy: Oh, sure. Bring your head and body that look like that close to the mine. Whatever. I don’t care.

Oscar: I need you to know, I see you sexually. I don’t see you as someone who would like run a school. I mean, you are the most under 35 person I’ve ever met.

Aidy: Oh, stop it, you flirt.

Oscar: Well, I bet you’re about to do your big catch phrase?

Aidy: Oh, right. Yes. My famous catchphrase, of course. What was it? Yes, here we go. Hey, you, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch.

Oscar: Well, okay.

Aidy: Yes, come on.

[Oscar sits on Aidy’s laps]

Oscar: I must confess I have a big cool boner right now. I sometimes get when I respect someone too much.

[Cut to Aidy in her makeup room]r

Aidy: Now, why did I choose Oscar Isaac for the sketch? No reason. I mean pretty random. Every time I’ve done something romantic on the show, it’s been totally random. Like with Ryan Gosling or Drake. Oh my god. Do I have a pattern of sexual randomness? Well, whatever. You only live once. Now back to the sketch.

[Cut to the sketch. Aidy is eating and Oscar is watching her eat.]

Oscar: Is the food alright? I hope you even like spaghetti.

Aidy: You’re lucky that I do.

Oscar: Oh, dammit! I’m in love with you and it’s killing me.

[Oscar breaks the glass he’s holding]

Aidy: Oh! Yes, to me, this is normal behavior.

Oscar: I wrote a song for you. If that’s okay.

[Oscar starts playing a guitar and sings]

[singing] Sexual woman are you from Paris, Dubai or Barcelona.

Aidy: No, I’m from Arizona

Oscar: Sexual woman, I respect you so much
as is demonstrated by my insane Boner.

Aidy: Oh brother, a boner? Well, let me guess. You want to kiss me now?

Oscar: Yes I do. But not yet. You need time to digest all that spaghetti. For now, could we just hug?

Aidy: Good idea. I would have forgotten to digest and I would have regretted it later.

Oscar: What they say about who was true. You are everyone’s cup of tea. Including me, Oscar Isaac. [Oscar looks at the cue card with suspiciously]

Aidy: Oh, I know, Oscar Isaac.

Oscar: [breaking the character] Sorry. I’m sorry. It says my real name on the cards. Is that a mistake?

Aidy: I don’t know. I guess the writers are so annoying and stupid. I would say, I guess just go with it.

Oscar: Okay, all right. Yes. [gets into the character] Then let’s get my fat ass on your lap.

Aidy: Yes!

Male voice: The Sexual Woman. Hey, get your fat ass on my lap, bitch.

 

COVID Dinner Discussion

Kate McKinnon

John Mulaney

David… Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Bowen Yang

Gina… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with three couple having dinner]

Kate: I’m so glad we’re doing this. My favorite restaurant with my favorite people.

John: Honey, I agree, 100%

David: You know what? This is so fun. Dinner is on us.

Bowen: Oh, wow. But um, Keith, you know you can take your mask off the table.

David: Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t know I’m wearing it half the time.

Kate: I heard the CDC is gonna lift all mask mandates soon.

Aidy: Oh, yeah. I know.

John: It’s so weird. It’s like COVID is not over, but it’s just gonna stop. I don’t know how I feel about that.

Gina: Oh, you know, that reminds me of this article I wrote–

Bowen: Honey, no one wants to hear about that.

Gina: What? It was in Bloomberg. And I thought it was interesting.

Kate: What? What article?

Gina: Well, it was–

Bowen: Honey!

Gina: It was just saying how mask mandates had, I don’t know, little to no effect on COVID.

[drum roll]

[Everyone is nervous now]

I am sorry.. It’s not like I’m anti mask or anything. I just sometimes wonder if any of the things we did actually helped.

Bowen: Gina.

David: No, no. We can talk about this incredibly complicated and emotional topic.

Kate: Yes, yes. Of course. I will start because for instance, while I am so personally relieved that I’m vaccinated–

John: Careful…

Kate: I sometimes wonder if other people who are hesitant–

Aidy: Careful…

Kate: Might not have like a valid not valid–

David: What…?

Kate: Not valid, but understandable–

Bowen: Not tonight…

Kate: Help me.

John: I think what she means is maybe sometimes we are a little overzealous when we condemn–

Aidy: Oh no…

John: I just think that if people are actually losing their jobs–

Aidy: Oh no…

David: Careful, girl.

John: Look, vaccines save lives. Fact. Okay, they stopped the hospitals from being overrun. Fact.

Gina: Where are you up to?

John: But did I have to dump my oldest friend just because he didn’t get–

Kate: No… no… no…

John: A booster?

[drum roll]

[David’s tie rolls up. Bowen is checking his blood pressure. Aidy hides her face inside her bag. John pulls out his teeth. Kate shuts her face. Gina snaps the Thanos gauntlet and disappears.]

Bowen: Guys, guys, this is supposed to be fun. Isn’t there’s something happy we can talk about?

Kate: No, no, we started this. We need to finish it. David go make sense of this please.

David: Oh, okay. Well I think the biggest mistake the administration made was not providing more testing.

John: But the UK had done tons of testing and had even more COVID.

Kate: Well, at least Biden finally sent out all those tests over Christmas.

Gina: You mean the two tests for a family of eight that froze in the mail?

Aidy: Okay, well, at least we have the CDC. I mean, they haven’t always been perfect, but the science changed.

David: How does science change? When I make a mistake at work, I don’t get to say the science changed.

Bowen: At least we had outdoor dining.

John: Oh, you mean when they built a smaller restaurant in the street? How was that outdoor?

Kate: Look, I went to a child’s birthday party, self careful. And they did gymnastics in masks, don’t, and then they went into another room and took off their masks to eat pizza. This is the end of me. So did they really need the mask? Oh, no! Did any of us ever need the mask?

All: Noooo!

[scary music]

[scary clips playing]

Kate: My god. My god. I’m so glad I said that out loud. Of course we needed the mask. We need it. We may not know for years the full extent of what we’ve been through but we did our best and we’re gonna get through this.

David: Amen.

John: When an anti Vaxxer gets it, I feel happy.

David: No, you don’t. No, you don’t.

Kate: Well, we don’t have to wash our hands anymore. Do we?

John: Ha-ha-ha. I never did.

Tenant MeetingTenant Meeting

Alex Moffat

Chloe Fineman

Ms. Delessio… Sarah Sherman

Ms. Quincy… Ego Nwodim

Mrs. Wilton… Heidi Gardner

Jamarcus… Chris Redd

Kevin… Mikey Day

Clark… Bowen Yang

Chet Fillmore… Willem Dafoe

Mr. Milos… Aristotle Athari

Tommy… Pete Davidson

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Carson… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Baumann… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with tenants having a meeting]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to the first tenants Association meeting of 2022. I know we usually have coffee and Dunkin munchkins at these meetings, but I forgot to pick them up.

Punkie: Then why am I even here? Shame on you.

Chloe: Wow, she left. Okay, well, we will now hear tenant complaints and concerns. But remember we are all neighbors in this building. So let’s please keep it civil. Yes, Ms. Delessio from unit 7-E.

Ms. Delessio: [showing a paper] What the hell is this? You raised my maintenance fee up $12 this month.

Alex: We had to fix a leak in the roof.

Ms. Delessio: Well, this just in. I don’t live on the roof, so I’m not paying it.

Alex: We’re just gonna send you another bill. Next Ms. Quincy from 2-F.

Ms. Quincy: Hello. I would like to formally ask the board’s permission to kill my neighbor’s loud, stupid, yappy dog.

Chloe: Obviously permission is denied.

Ms. Quincy: Bitch, I don’t need it. I was asking as a courtesy.

Chloe: Miss Quincy. No. Yes, Mrs. Wilton.

Mrs. Wilton: I am livid. Right now. The laundry machines in this building are a disgrace. I wash my 13 year old son’s socks every week, but a day later, tada, they turn hard is the rock. [banging the table with the sock] Hear that? Hear that? I will go to the news with this if the machines are not fixed. Thank you and goodbye.

Alex: Yikes. Okay, looks like our doorman, Jamarcus wants to say something.

Jamarcus: Hey, folks, hey. This is for all the white tenants. Not all of you, but a lot of you. I’m not sure how it started. But many of you have come to believe my name is Jamarcus. It is not. My name is Robert and I let it slide at first. But it seems like it’s catching on. I want to just nip it in the bud. Thank you.

Chloe: Thank you Jamarcus. Next Kevin and Clark from 8-C?

Kevin: Yes. I have a question. [singing] When is the building talent show?

Clark: Tuesday?

Kevin: What time does it start, I have to know

Clark:5 to midnight.

Kevin:Is there food?

Clark:No.

Kevin:Are there drinks?

Clark: No.

Kevin:Well, who’s performing

Clark:Just so far?

Kevin and Clark:So sign up today

Clark: You were off key.

Kevin: What?

Clark: You were off key!

Kevin: No, Clark! Wait.

Alex: Wow, that should be fun, huh? Okay, next.

Chet Fillmore: For those who don’t know me, I’m Chet Fillmore. I bought the top three floors of this building in 1971 for $1. And I’ve been a pain in the ass ever since. My question is what the hell happened to this city? What’s the danger, man? Was the art? Back in my days, it was all pimps and whores, junkies and perverts all over Time Square. Man, it was great. It goes CBGBs and Iggy Pop would puke on your face and we liked it. Where did that city go, man?

Alex: No idea. And what is your question?

Chet Fillmore: I don’t have one. I just want to be a pain in the ass.

Chloe: Okay, well, thank you Mr. Fillmore. Yes, next.

Melissa: Hi. I just moved to the city. I’m new. I’m loving it. I’m in 5-F, the 300 square foot studio with no toilet and no windows. My question is what is my $600,000 rent due?

Chloe: On the first of the month. And welcome to the building. Next Mr. Milos.

Mr. Milos: Yes sir. Google Translate. [foreign language] feed on us ketosis to hit

Google translate: I need to milk faucet, so make destruction.

Alex: Mr. Milos. I’m sorry, we don’t quite understand.

Mr. Milos: Yes, I start? Thank you so much.

Chloe: No, no, no. Wait. He’s gonna take down another wall. Okay, I see our building super is here with an update on the Rhoden situation. Tommy, how is the rat problem?

Tommy: Bad.

Alex: Okay, thank you Tommy. And next– Sorry, remind me of your name again.

Jan Krang: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-RANG. Unit nine-A. A as in Ana delas armas. And I move that we ban all teens from the building. They gather outside my apartment to have white claws and do 69ers.

Chloe: Ms. Krang, we cannot ban teens from the building, so please give it up. Yes, Mr. Young.

Mr. Young: When will Varizon install the friggin FIOS? It’s been 10 years.

Chloe: They’re working on it sir. Yes, Hello boys, next.

Jeremy: What’s up? What’s good? What’s up? We’re NYU students subletting 11-F. I’m Jeremy. That’s Hunter.

Hunter: What’s good?

Jeremy: So, one of us might have maybe dropped us a small baggie of baking soda in the elevator. If you come across it, please return it to 11-F.

Alex: If it’s what I think it is, it’s going straight in the trash.

Hunter: Douche.

Chloe: Moving on to standing complaints, Mr. Carson the female love making screams are still coming from 5-C every night.

Mr. Carson: Oops.

Alex: Well, can you please ask your guests to keep the volume down?

Mr. Carson: Hey, man, I asked my female guests this is to ship ship but it seems it’s too good.

Alex: Well, I had to ask. Okay, moving on. Oh, no. Mrs. Baumann, is this about the buildings pet policy?

Mrs. Baumann: No.

Alex: All right. Go ahead.

Mrs. Baumann: By the limits on cats per unit must be raised from three to 75. Part one.

Alex: Okay. No, no. Meeting adjourned.

Chloe: Thank you all. Please pick up any trash on your way out. Make the clean up a little easier for Jamarcus.

Jamarcus: Please, god. It’s Robert. Come on, man.

Good Morning Columbus

Langdon Lee… Bowen Yang

Cheryl Worth… Ego Nwodim

Scott… Mikey Day

Dr. Bloom… Willem Dafoe

Cindy… Heidi Gardner

Nick… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: Good news, it’s good morning Columbus.

[Cut to Langdon Lee and Cheryl Worth in their set]

Langdon Lee: Oh hi, oh hi.

Cheryl Worth: Ha-ha-ha. You are too much.

Langdon Lee: Welcome back. Langdon Lee alongside Cheryl Worth.

Cheryl Worth: Lots ahead in the 9 o’clock hour, but first our man about town, Scott is with a local author who’s written a new self help book about finding happiness through self discovery. Hmm, sounds interesting.

Langdon Lee: Yeah. Sure does. Scott’s down at a book signing of Bergman’s books, with Dr. Benjamin Bloom, author of “Blowing Yourself”. Scott.

Scott: Thanks Langdon. I am standing next to a man who hopes to help millions of folks find happiness through self exploration.

Langdon Lee: Sorry, Scott. I have to jump in. I misspoke before. Dr. Bloom’s book is titled “Knowing yourself.” Not “Blowing yourself”. For a lot of B words in a row on the teleprompter, I got a little tongue tied. Sorry about that, Scott.

Scott: It has happens. Now, Dr. Bloom. Tell us about your book.

Dr. Bloom: Well, it’s a feel good book. It’s about learning how to love yourself by going down deep and embracing the part of you that you discovered down there.

Scott: Wow, that’s a lot to swallow.
Cheryl Worth: I’m sorry Scott. Need to jump in here. We are having an issue with our graphics that is making this interview seem very inappropriate. The book is “Knowing yourself”. We do apologize.

Langdon Lee: Come on, graphics department. What are you doing? Get it together. Ha-ha-ha. Scot.

Scott: Thanks, Langdon. Now, Dr. Bloom, I see you have your wife here with you.

Dr. Bloom: Yes, come on over, honey.

Scott: Hi.

Dr. Bloom: This is my lovely wife, Cindy.

Scott: Now, Cindy, do you practice the techniques in your husband’s book?

Cindy: Oh, yes. It was a little harder for me to get there, though. I think women have to reach deeper into themselves to find the same happiness.

Dr. Bloom: Absolutely. Women are generally more complex. A lot more nooks and crannies to explore.

Cindy: Oh, yeah. You know, it can be an emotionally taxing process. You know, if you’re like me, your sensitive side is gonna take a lickin. But in the end, trust me, it’s so worth it. So buy his book. I had my nose buried in it for hours.

Scott: I’m sure you did. Thank you, Cindy. Now doctor, you’re going to teach me one of your breathing exercises here. Now, I tried yoga once and I was awful. So, hopefully I don’t suck here.

Dr. Bloom: It’s okay to suck. It’s how we learn.

Scott: Okay, good. We got some mats here.

Dr. Bloom: Let’s get down great.

Scott: Great.

Dr. Bloom: You can do this in a chair at home also. Okay. You want to center yourself like this.

Scott: Center.

Dr. Bloom: Now, breathe deeply. Really, fill your mouth with thoughts of–

Langdon Lee: Okay, no, no. Cut the audio. Folks. Oh, no. We are so deeply, deeply sorry. This looks very bad. Maybe go to sports? Yes, sports. Nick, you want to give people your Super Bowl predictions?

Nick: No, let’s let this play out.

Cheryl Worth: Thank you for nothing, Nick. Okay, looks like they’re wrapping up. Bring up the audio back.

Scott: Oh, wow. I have got a long way to go. I got to get practicing.

Dr. Bloom: Don’t go nuts when you’re just starting out. That’d be going too far.

Scott: Okay.

Dr. Bloom: But with time, I promise you’ll rise to the occasion and meet yourself halfway.

Scott: Yes, well said. And you’ve certainly made some fans out of our viewers. @IncelDadddy writes “This dude my hero. Teach me sensei. #nevergonnaleavethehouse” So, good stuff. Now, you’ll be down here all day, correct?

Dr. Bloom: Yes, I’ll be signing copies of my book and at noon, I’ll be demonstrating my technique live.

Scott: Oh! And now if you want to attend, you can make a reservation online at www.– Actually, they’re telling me no you can’t. I guess it’s sold out immediately. Mr. Popular. Back to you guys.

Cheryl Worth: Those people who made a reservation are going to be very disappointed.

Langdon Lee: All right, coming up in traffic something wandered onto the I-270 and is causing major traffic. That’s something get this. A 400 pound a wild whore– Boar! Wild boar. Wild boar. Let’s go to commercial.

Weekend Update Chen Biao on the Beijing 2022 Olympics

Michael Che

Chen Biao… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This weekend, NBC announced that it will not be sending any correspondence to the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing. Here to Communist Chinese trade minister and games organizer, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Chen Biao: Hmm, I’ve never been with a trade, daddy. Ayy! What’s up Che Diaz?

Michael Che: I told you, I don’t get that reference. So, how is Beijing feeling about the Olympics?

Chen Biao: Oh, we are pumped. Everyone loves the Winter Olympics. Sliding down snow, sliding down ice, gravity’s got a point and she is the moment.

Michael Che: Well, how does China feel about NBC not sending correspondence?

Chen Biao: Oh, we’re fine. Are you guys okay? NBC is announcing the games from their studios in Connecticut. You know what else films in Connecticut? Maury. Good luck commentating over cries if you are not the father? I mean, how are you going to describe the atmosphere in this stadium? Like, “The vibe is 2AM in Stanford?” Have fun walking home at that hour from Metro North, Grayson.

Michael Che: Who is Grayson?

Chen Biao: Probably some coked out finance guy trying to find his escort in the Wendy’s parking lot.

Michael Che: Anyway, journalists that are in Beijing say the city is completely locked down.

Chen Biao: Well, it’s just for COVID safety. And the protocols aren’t even that restrictive. It’s plane, COVID test, bus, another test, another test, speed skating, anal swab.

Michael Che: Anal swab?

Chen Biao: It’s accurate, and it’s fun.

Michael Che: Okay, but lots of journalists are bringing burner phones to avoid being tracked.

Chen Biao: Burner phones? What is this? The Wire? Must be Season 2 because you’re white and no one cares.

Michael Che: Well, the biggest story is that several countries including the US are planning diplomatic boycotts over China’s human rights violations.

Chen Biao: Human rights. We don’t have that. [a cute picture of a baby pandd with Olympics logo on his belly appears] Plus, is this the face of a country that would violate human rights? Official games mascot Bing-Dwen-Dwen. As you can see, he’s a panda going to a rave. I don’t know, I designed him while I was on ketamine. He’s gonna try and hook up with Shawn white.

Michael Che: Great. So what do you have planned for the opening ceremony?

Chen Biao: Okay, well press release. I’m performing in it. The vibe is gonna be like, Beachella meets Wong Kar-Wai Film meets Dave Chappelle stand up special.

Michael Che: How’s it gonna be like Dave Chappelle stand up special?

Chen Biao: There’s gonna be a lot of people protesting after.

Michael Che: Looks like you’re really making light of some serious issues.

Chen Biao: Okay, fine. You want me to get real? Look, we’re hosting the Winter Olympics because no one else stepped up. It’s our party and we’ll spy if we want to. The IOC chose China and y’all knew what you were getting into. So, now what? We’re in bed and you have posts-nut clarity? Whatever, flop. If you need me, I’ll be skiing the slopes in my Gaga House of Gucci ski goggles. Father, son, house of Daddy.

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

New Governess

Maria… Kate McKinnon

Ariana DeBose

Sarah Sherman

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of mountains in Austria, 1938]

[Cut to Maria giving instructions to the children in home]

Maria: Now children, as you know, I recently moved in with your neighbors, the Von Traps, and I instantly made all of their children perfect. And your father says you’re in need of the same thing.

Sarah: Oh, Maria, you’re going to be our teacher too?

Maria: Well, no. Not quite. See, between concerts and puppet shows and fleeing the Nazis, I’m already stretched quite thin.

Bowen: But then who’s going to be our new governess?

Maria: I’m delighted to say I found someone perfect. She’s quirky and fun. And just like me, she just got kicked out of a nunnery for erratic behavior. Flous Menken.

[Flous Menken comes in dancing and singing]

Flous Menken: [singing] The hills are alive

Andrew: Oh, wow, Maria. She loves the outdoors. Just like you.

Flous Menken: Oh, no. I’m saying the hills are alive and do not go out there.

Maria: Okay, she’s not exactly like me.

Flous Menken: Well, now, children. If Maria has taught me anything in the car ride over here, it’s that you can solve all of the family’s emotional problems just by singing.

Chris: Singing. What’s that?

Flous Menken: Oh, it’s easy. I’ll teach you, with Maria’s permission. Of course.

Maria: Yes. Pretend that I’m not even here. You can be great.

[music playing]

Flous Menken: [singing] Let’s start at the very start of the song
It’d be crazy to start in the middle
When you read you begin with do-re-mi
and singing is exactly the same

How am I doing Maria?

Maria: Good. You’re doing great.

Andrew: But we still don’t know how just sing.

Flous Menken: Hmm. Well, how can I make this simpler? Ah, yes. Like this.

[singing] Do- a thing that Homer Simpson says
Re- A movie with Jamie Fox
Me- like Me, Myself and Diary
Fa- like fought without a T

Maria: Okay. Just stick to the–

Flous Menken: So- an album by Peter Gabriel
La- what people call Los Angeles

Ti- the shape of an IUD

Maria: They’re children!

Flous Menken: And when Homer gets mad he says “Do!”

Alright children. I think it’s your turn.

Andrew: This might surprise you but we didn’t catch all that.

Flous Menken: Don’t think. Just sing.

Bowen: Alright, I’ll try.

Do- the last name of a body found in a river

Sarah: Re- Romano everybody loves here

Andrew: Me- A kid who pees in the sink

Chris: Fa- like the end of queen Latifah

Flous Menken: So- how children make our sneakers
La- the start of Queen Latifah
Ti- like the middle of Queen Latifah

All: And when Homer gets mad he says Do-oh-oh-do!

[Sarah is holding a picture of Homer Simpson]

Maria: Where did you get that?

Flous Menken: Oh, I stole it from the Vatican. Please don’t tell anyone.

Maria: Okay. Listen. I really, I must object to some of your lyrics. You’ve used Queen Latifah three times.

Flous Menken: Well, what did you say for La?

Maria: I said “La- the note that follows So”

Chris: Damn, that’s so lazy.

Sarah: Yeah. Queen Latifa is way better than that.

Greta: Flous Menken, can I try?

[everyone is shocked]

Andrew: Greta spoke!

Bowen: Yes! For the first time since witnessing mother’s gruesome death.

Flous Menken: Now, that’s the power of song. Sing Greta. Oh, seeing you beautiful angel.

Greta: Do- a deer, a female deer 

Flous Menken: Okay, stop, stop, stop, sweetie darling. I really hate to correct you. I know this is a big moment for you. But a female deer is not called to a Do. It’s called a lady deer.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What is all of this noise? Singing in my house?

Sarah: Oh, papa, don’t be mad.

Kenan: Mad? quite the opposite. As a young man, I was considered something of a sham– And I would take my inspiration from the most beautiful thing in the world. Fast food.

[singing] Curly fries, waffle fries
every Tuesday at RVs
Jalapeño bites, taste so nice
grease on the crotch of my khakis

Sing with me, children.

All: Gravy fries, crispy fries
every Tuesday at RVs

NBA on TNT

Ernie Johnson…Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Yao Ming… Bowen Yang

Hannah Dolton… Heidi Gardner

Riley Beckwith… Mikey Day

Alicia Miller… Ariana DeBose

Patrick Bemis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with NBA TNT intro]

[cut to Ernie Johnson, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith in their set]

Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to NBA on TNT halftime. Nets and Kings Ernie Johnson joined by my pals Charles Barkley and K Smith. Shaq is unfortunately out sick.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, he said he got some the cold Shaq flu. But let’s call it what it is. The man has COVID.

Ernie Johnson: Hey, Charles, you don’t know that for sure. Filling in for Shaq is another big man. Yao Ming.

Yao Ming: Yes, you’re always here. Hello?

Charles Barkley: Yao, you are enormous, man. Before the show, I watched his man eat an entire pumpkin. Stemming on.

Yao Ming: It’s just a snack for Yao.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of COVID, before the game the Kings entire team tested positive along with most of their coaching staff and trainers. And they were forced to find replacements very quick. But they did, and that the half, it’s Nets lead the Kings to 68-1. Charles, why can’t Sacramento get anything going tonight?

Charles Barkley: Well, in my opinion, the biggest thing to me is that the Kings don’t have any NBA players on their team. Whereas the Nets do.

Kenny Smith: Yeah, I wrote down the same thing. And you can see how the Kings’ lack of NBA players is reflected in the score.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, the Kings players tonight are all fans or arena support staff. Any thoughts? Any thoughts? Yao?

Yao Ming: They’re tiny people. Too small.

Ernie Johnson: Well said, Yao. Let’s look at a matchup here. At forward, we have James Harden for the nets and equipment manager Duggie McCormick for the Kings.

Charles Barkley: Okay, look at those numbers. McCormick’s just getting outplayed out there. And the two asthma attacks didn’t help.

Ernie Johnson: That’s been the case for many Kings players tonight. Hannah Dolton is court side with one of them now. Hannah.

Hannah Dolton: I’m here with Riley Beckwith. [Riley Beckwith is all bruised and bleeding] What position did you play tonight?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, left side.

Hannah Dolton: Not the best first half for the Kings. And what was it like out on the court?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Kind of winded. Working hard out there. You’re tall. How tall are you?

Hannah Dolton: 5’7”

Riley Beckwith: Okay. Tall. Yeah, look, I mean, Brooklyn came to play tonight. I was confident going in, because I played pickup B-ball at my gym with a bunch of white guys my size. But being out there against the Nets, I realized that basketball is an impossible sport played by giants and gods.

Hannah Dolton: Well, good luck in the second half.

Riley Beckwith: Oh, thank you so much. I won’t be here. I’m scared. So, I’m going home. Thank you so much.

Ernie Johnson: Well, not every Kings player has been shut out. Alicia Miller managed to put one on the board for Sacramento. She joins us now. Oh, Alicia. I understand you came to the game with some friends and then you were asked to play.

Alicia Miller: Yeah. Now, this is like the craziest girls night ever.

Ernie Johnson: And you made a free throw.

Alicia Miller: I did. It was underhand too.

Ernie Johnson: Cool. Now, you’re also called for traveling 39 times.

Alicia Miller: I know. I keep forgetting to bounce the ball.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, well then you got ejected for taking a selfie with Blake Griffin during the game.

Alicia Miller: Okay. But I had to. I didn’t know if I would see him again. You know you gotta like, shoot your shot.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of shooting shots, you guys are an astounding 0-3 from the field with 184 block shots.

Alicia Miller: I don’t really know what that means. But you know go SACs.

Ernie Johnson: well, thank you Alicia.

Kenny Smith: Couple of NBA records tonight. Most points scored by a player in the first half, Kevin Durant with 178. And most players crying on the court at once, six kings players were crying at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Hold on. I’m sorry. But I just got a glimpse of Yao’s hands. It is huge, man. Put it up to mine. Let me see. Look at it. Man is like the iron giant. No! No! Not on my face, man. Get out of here.

Ernie Johnson: Well, let’s go right to the source of the Kings issues tonight. Temporary coach Patrick Bemis joins us live. Now, you coach at little dunkers day camp.

Patrick Bemis: That’s correct. I coach my son’s team. He was actually drafted too. He’s been guarding Kyrie Irving.

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah. I think we got a picture of that.

[cut to a picture. His son is just a kid who’s under seven years old.]

Patrick Bemis: Yeah. He actually got kind of hurt there. We kind of hope we both get COVID so we can leave.

Ernie Johnson: Sounds about right. Thank you Coach. Kenny, how can Shaq town pull off a win tonight?

Kenny Smith: No, I’d say if Kings player has some sort of Space Jam like Mike magical shoes situation, they might be able to salvage a win. Charles?

Charles Barkley: Well, my prediction is I’m out of Ernie Johnson00 grand because I bet on these clowns to win. Why do I do this to myself?

Ernie Johnson: I don’t know. All right. Well, we got to take a break. Yao, you want to throw us to commercial bud?

Yao Ming: Goodbye.

Charles Barkley: Yao, I love you, man. You know what? Come on. Let’s get this man another pumpkin. We’ll be right back.

HipHop Nativity

Kitty… Heidi Gardner

Neely… Billy Eilish

Chris Redd

Joseph…Kyle Mooney

Bowen Yang

Baby Jesus… Andrerw Dismukes

Mary… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a rehearsal of Hip-Hop Nativity]

Kitty: Hey, hi. Is all nativity cast present?

Cast: Yes, miss Kitty.

Kitty: Right. First and only pageant rehearsal, y’all. I need you to bring your A game.

Kitty: Okay, so here’s the deal, okay guys? Times are changing. We can’t do the normal, boring pageant thing this year.

Kitty: Too old school, too Boomer. Okay? This year, we’re switching it up.

Kitty: Okay. That’s right. And lucky for you guys, Neely and I took it upon ourselves to learn all of hip-hop.

Chris: I’m sorry, you learned all of hip hop?

Kitty: Correct. And it’s gonna be a freeform hip hop, live nativity.

Kitty: Okay, so let’s get started with rehearsal. We got a lot of hip hop to teach you, okay? Now where’s our Joseph?

Joseph: : Right here, Miss Kitty.

Kitty: Okay, Joseph. So, now you’re gonna enter with a pimp walk.

Joseph: A what?

Kitty: A pimp walk. Here, Neely and I will show you. Play the tracks, sweetie.

[music playing]

[Kitty and Kitty start doing the pimp walk]

Kitty: A pimp walk, a pimp walk. A pimp walk, a pimp walk. And you’re gonna work it down here. Yeah, it’s okay. Because hip hop is low in the body.

Kitty: Y’all are up here, but hip hop is down here. Hey, the streets are in the knees, okay?

Chris: Oh, are they now?

Kitty: Yeah, coz you know what? It’s walk, and it’s walk. And it’s, “I’m Joseph. I’m a baby daddy now. So, I pimp walk. I pimp walk.” There, go, do it.

Joseph: okay, so like… [starts doing pimp walk]

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Come on. Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Pimp walk. Yeah. Pimp walk’s getting there. The pimp walk’s getting there. Okay. Baby, go to the corner freight so long, keep pimp walking.

Chris: Yeah. To just face the wall?

Kitty: Yeah.

Chris: Okay.

Kitty: Pimp walk.

Kitty: Where are my donkeys at?

Chris: By all means, teach me hip hop, please.

Kitty: Okay, so, you three are going to follow Joseph out. Okay, not up here, this is country music. Okay, down here, this is hip hop. And when you land I want booty booty.

Bowen: Don’t you mean ass?

Kitty: That is not funny. Watch me pop my butt, okay? Can everybody see my butt?

Kitty: Okay, can you see that? Can you see that pop? It’s a hip pop. It’s a trot, trot, hop. And you feel it in your hook. Okay? So, trot, trot, hop. Trot, trot, hop. Trot, trot, hop. And just straight donkey Christmas, hip-pop, pop, pop.

Chris: How is no one filming this?

Baby Jesus: Hey, sorry. Just throwing this out there but I’d be totally cool just doing what we practiced. You know, ditching the whole freeform Hip Hop thing.

Kitty: Oh, Baby Jesus, please. Please just focus on your twerking.

Baby Jesus: Excuse me? Twerking?

Kitty: Okay, come here. Donkeys, pop over there. Okay, baby. Are you in your diaper?

Baby Jesus: I mean, yeah.

Kitty: Drop robe. Let’s go.

[Baby Jesus opens his robe. He’s wearing a diaper.]

Kitty: Oh, Jesus, Mary and Juliana Margulies. Honey, do you not have a butt? We got to make him a butt quick.

[Kitty and Kitty bring some hays and put inside his diaper.]

Baby Jesus: Hold on. No, I don’t want to twerk. I don’t want to twerk. I’m playing a baby. Hey! Cut it out!

Kitty: We’ll make you a butt, baby.

Baby Jesus: No, I don’t need one.

Kitty: Listen, Baby Jesus can do anything now, wring it out. Go, twerk son.

[Baby Jesus starts twerking]

Kitty: Oh, wow. He can actually twerk.

Kitty: It’s a miracle. Now, where’s my Mary’s? Where’s Mary?

[Mary runs in]

Kitty: How comfortable are you on a stripper pole, sweetie?

Mary: Um. I’m not sure.

Kitty: Wrong answer.

Kitty: Alright, I’ll do it. Mary go grind on the wall. Alright, drops the beat. Get my Joseph in pimp walk.

Joseph: Best Christmas, ya’ll!

Kitty: Donkey, start popping. Oh, yes! And Baby J, shaking like a rattle.

Kitty: [dancing on the pole] Praise him. Praise Baby Jesus!

Kitty: Oh my goodness! I think we might have ourselves a Christmas show!

Fauci Holiday Message Cold Open

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes

Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Anthony Fauci]

[cheers and applause]

Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

Mikey: I actually can’t find it.

Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

Mikey: I’m afraid so.

Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Mikey: Okay! And scene.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]

Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

Melissa: Really?

Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?

Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?

Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!

Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.

Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.

Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.

Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Simu & Bowen

Simu Liu

Bowen Yang

Andrew Dismukes

Sarah Sherman

[Bowen is just reading a book in his room. Simu comes in.]

Simu: Knock, knock.

Bowen: Simu, what’s up? My fellow, yellow, hello.

Simu: What?

Bowen: Nothing. I’m just nervous I think. I mean, this has never happened before. Right? Asian male host. Asian male cast member.

Simu: I know. It’s like we’re the Spider Man meme.

Bowen: Except you have abs and I have ibs.

Simu: Ibs?

Bowen: IBS. Anyway, Congrats, man. I Mean, the first Asian Marvel lead. That’s huge.

Simu: Oh, thank you. I almost can’t wrap my head around it. I mean, you get it, right? Like, first fully Asian cast member on SNL? It’s amazing.

Bowen: Oh, yeah, thanks. I just think it’s weird that people keep track of this stuff, though.

Simu: Oh, yeah, totally. I mean, [showing a big medal] I just got this first Asian man who moved from Canada to America named SEMA.

Bowen: I have one that says Bowen.

Simu: No way. Yeah, I always just forget to take my hat off.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, Bowen. I have an award for you. You are the first gay Asian cast member to mispronounce boutique.

Bowen: Is it not Bu-ti-kwa?

Andrew: No. Congrats.

Simu: Wow, Bowen, that’s so historic.

Andrew: And Simu, you were just named the first Asian man to deadpan on Splash Mountain.

Bowen: Wow, congratulations.

Simu: Thanks.

Bowen:  But seriously, Sang Chi was so good.

Simu: Thank you. Yeah, I guess they’re saying I’m the first Asian man to blow up a dragon from the inside. [showing a championship belt like of wrestling.]

Bowen: I got the same one too. But it means something else.

Simu: Anyway, don’t you think these titles are kind of ridiculous?

Bowen: Totally. Like the state of Michigan gave me the “good job parentheses Asian award”. I do not care!

[Cut to Bowen giving his award speech happy and excited]

Bowen at award ceremony: To every Asian on the planet. I did this for you.

Simu: I know. First Asian man to beat StarCraft II. I didn’t even go to the ceremony.

[Cut to Simu giving his award speech happy and excited]

Simu at award ceremony: Whoo! There’s no way this is true. But thank you so much.

[Sarah walks in with a flower bouquet.]

Sarah: Hey. Mr. Asian Panera. These are for you. [passing the flowers to Simu]

Simu: Oh, my god. For me?

Bowen: What is Mr. Asian Panera?

Simu: Oh, I guess I was the first Asian that you pick to a Panera or something.

[Cut to Simu when he was picked.]

Simu at the time: Yes! I did it! I did it!

Bowen: You know, it’s almost embarrassing. Like, I didn’t even tell anyone about being one of people’s sexiest man alive.

[Cut to Bowen calling his mom]

Bowen sobbing: Mom, I’m hot.

Simu: Weren’t you the first openly bottom guy on that list.

Bowen: I’m not open about that. Who told you that?

Simu: Sorry, I just guessed.

Bowen: Oh, nice. Good job.

[Sarah walks in again]

Sarah: Hey, I have another award for first Asian man to do a share impression on NBC. But it doesn’t say who it’s for.

[Bowen and Simu start doing the impression]

Sarah: Simu wins.

Simu: Yes!

Bowen: Congratulations. Just remember Simu, whatever first thing you do, I’ll always be gay.