Tag: episode 11

Male Confidence Seminar

Andrew Dismukes

Ron… Bowen Yang

Devon Walker

James Austin Martin

Michael B. Jordan

Michael Longfellow

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with a number of adult males in a confidence seminar]

Andrew: Say it again.

Ron: I’m strong. I’m desirable. People want to have sex with me.

Andrew: Now roar like a lion.

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Louder!

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Wow. Give it up for Ron everybody. Yes, I have chills. See? That’s what male charisma training is all about. Confidence. You see, I used to be a lot like you guys. Awkward, hated my body, walked around like this. But then I developed my social Mastery program. And now look at me. I stand like an alpha. I’ve got the scarf. I effing made it.

[everybody claps]

You. You’ve taken my class before, yes?

Devon: Yes, sir. Three times. Yeah. And I have an update. Actually, I got a girlfriend now.

Andrew: Hell, yes. What was your approach?

Devon: Well, she’s not a girlfriend. You know, she’s actually like a barista. So.

Andrew: Oh. But hey, introduce yourself, right?

Devon: No, sir.

Andrew: So you saw girl at a coffee shop? Cool round of applause for him. That’s not nothing, folks. That’s not nothing. Yes, a question in the back.

[Michael is there carrying a jar of water]

Michael: Yeah. Where do you want this water delivery?

Andrew: I don’t know. Dude, do I look like I work for the hotel?

[everybody laughing]

Michael: Oh, okay. My apologies. [he’s looking for a place to put it]

Andrew: You, question?

James: Yeah. I’m pretty lonely. I have a job. I feel like I’m doing everything right. I just get nervous that women are going to make fun of me if I approach them.

Andrew: Mm-hmm. And what do you do for work?

James: I critique female stand ups on YouTube.

Andrew: Sure, sure. Look, after one session here, nothing will rattle you. Okay? Watch this. Anybody out there? Anybody. Say the meanest thing you can think of me? Anybody?

Michael: [sitting quietly at the back] Forehead.

Andrew: Sorry, what does that even mean?

Michael: Forehead.

Andrew: Okay, sure. It’s just funny because I don’t like to have weird forehead.

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Just keep talking, goofy.

Andrew: I’m not goofy. I’m actually regular. All right? Listen, when you approach a lady what you want to do is you want to take an alpha body stance. Broad shoulders.

Michael: Hmm, broad forehead.

Andrew: Sir! Sir, I’m fine if you stay. Just don’t interrupt me, please.

Michael: No, I might. I might.

Andrew: Okay, look, no matter what a lady throws at you, and they can say some pretty random stuff. Just roll with it. I’ll show you any volunteer. [Michael and James stand up] Oh, I think you stood up first, sir? [pointing at James]

Michael: Bro, if you’re cool with it, you know what I’m saying, you don’t mind if I do this, right?

James: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah. Yeah. See, Dexter’s Lab was cool with it. Go ahead, goofy.

Andrew: Not goofy. All right. I’m going to do what I call a basic opening. Hey, Goddess, what’s your name?

Michael: You a bitch.

Andrew: Hey. Hey. Just do the exercise. What’s your name?

Michael: Forehead Jackson.

Andrew: It’s not. Please sit down here.

Michael: Um, nah. I’m good here.

Andrew: That’s fine. Any final questions?

Mike: Yeah, I was wondering if you have any tips on coping with having a big old forehead?

Michael: I don’t have a big old forehead, okay? Not like you, dude. I’m cool. Got the scarf, the rings. You know, I’m in charge like immediately.

Michael: You got to Jimmy Neutron head, bro.

Marcello: He kinda does.

Andrew: No. No, my head’s regular. Not Jimmy Neutron.

James: Yeah, it’s like if Jimmy Neutron if he did street magic, that’s you.

Andrew: No, it’s not. Dammit.

Michael: Actually, actually, look. Y’all want to go get a burger? I feel like I could teach you some things.

[everyone agrees]

Andrew: Where are you guys going? I want to come too.

King Brothers Toyota

Randy… Andrew Dismukes

Shorty… James Austin Johnson

Brian… Michael B. Jordan

Randy: Hey there folks, I’m Randy King of King Brothers Toyota.

Shorty: And I’m shorting King Jr. And we are overstocked with Tacomas, Siennas, Corollas and even Highlanders, all at rock bottom prices as part of our King Brothers Toyota overstocked sale-a-thon!

Randy: So come on down to King Brothers Toyota off highway exit 260 Because deals like this don’t come often.

Shorty: Get your butt down the King Brothers Toyota right here in beautiful Brenham, Texas, off highway eight exit 260. Take the left lane.

Randy: You gotta get hard in that left lane. Because if you stay even one second in the right lane, you’ll get stuck in the massive overflow line for the new raising Cane’s.

Shorty: This restaurant is prohibitively popular y’all. The line backs up to the light onto the off ramp and into the highway. Do not stay in the right lane.

Randy: Hard. Hard left, y’all! Hard to the left when you take 260 or you’ll miss

Both: King Brothers Toyota overstock sale-a-thon.

Shorty: Why are we overstocked? I’m telling you why? Because nobody can get here due to the stupid long Cane’s line taking up all that road.

Randy: We have been absolutely screwed by the Brenham Chamber of Commerce, and their villain his patron Councilman Hugo Gallegos.

Shorty: Since taking office in May, Hugo Gallegos has defiled exit 260 with the Chipotle, In-n-out burgers, and now Raising Cane’s chicken finger baskets.

Randy: These trendy chains all come with their own massive drive thru lines managed only by a handful of any factual iPad teens.

Shorty: We are deep in the red folks, which is why corporate has sent us the nation’s best, most jacked Toyota salesman Brian Pat Moore.

Brian: These two are afraid to get their hands dirty, but not Brian Pat Moore. So Raising Cane’s, you have 24 hours to shut down your Burnham location. If you do not comply each hour, I will reveal to the public one ingredient to the secret recipe of your legendary Cane sauce. Don’t believe me? Check this out. Ketchup.

[Brian leaves]

Randy: We are drowning in Tacomas and we are trapped here. We literally cannot leave due to the longest hell Cane’s line.

Shorty: I personally have missed so many family events. Things like nieces christening, first daughter’s recital, and even little JC as Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls at the middle school.

Randy: I now speak directly to the coward Hugo Gallegos. You have defiled the ones beautiful exit 260, and if the big as Cane’s line is allowed to stand, King Brother’s Toyota will fall.

Shorty: My daughter Haley is a classics professor at Princeton community college, and she has described our plight as a funhouse mirror held up against the American dream. I said “I don’t know about all that baby girl. All I know is I’m getting effed in the A my Councilman Hugo Gallegos.”

Rando: But all is not lost, because we have sales warrior in Christ, Brian Pat Moore.

Brian: Well, well well. It seems the Fat Cat at Cane’s think this is some kind of game. Well, Brian Pat Moore don’t play no games. Next ingredient, pepper. And the clock begins anew. Tick-tock, Cane’s. Tick-tock.

Shorty: So come on down because time is running out.

Both: For King Brothers Toyota overstock sale-a-thon.

Male voice: King Brothers Toyota, off highway 9, exit 260, hard into that left lane. Get in that left lane hard. Hard to the left.

Jake from State Farm

Jake… Michael B. Jordan

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a clip of a daughter stuffing her toys inside toilet and her parents are frustrated]

Female voice: As a homeowner, you never know what’s going to go wrong.

Daughter: I wanted to give them a bath.

[Jake walks in]

Jake: Luckily, State Farm has you covered no matter what the issue. And what the State Farm, you can file a claim and second So you can get back to your life.

Heidi: Wow, that was easy. Thanks Jake from State Farm.

Jake: Like a good neighbors, State Farm is their.

Mikey: Guess I won’t be late for work after all.

Jake: One more thing. Is this dryer safe? [showing a stuffed animal]

Mikey: Bye, huh.

Heidi: Have a great day. [to Jake] Hey, do you want a cup of coffee?

[Mikey looks back suspiciously]

Jake: I’d love one.

Female voice: No matter what your insurance needs, State Farm has a policy for you.

[Mikey enters his home]

Mikey: Hello? [Jake is playing with his kids] Oh, Jake from State Farm, you’re still here.

Jake: Unlike other insurance companies, State Farm’s here for you 24/7.

Mikey: Right. So what’s the plan for dinner?

Heidi: Oh, Jake and the kids and I went out for pizza. But there should be stuff in the fridge to make a sandwich.

[Jakes leaving and Mikey’s watching Jake play with his kids] [Mikey wakes up the other morning. Heidi is not in bed.] [Mikey is watching TV. He hears car coming to his home. So he stands up and opens the door. Jake walks in with his wife and his kids.]

Jake: Wow, look who’s up, Sleepyhead. Think fast. [throws keys to Mikey]

Mikey: Hey, where the hell were you?

Heidi: Jake thought it’d be nice to take the kids to church.

Mikey: To church?

Heidi: Yes. To church. And I happen to agree. Now excuse me.

[Mikey is watching Jake teaching his daughter to play piano]

Jake: See? You’re getting better. You’re a natural. Give me some.

[Mikey is watching Jake playing ball with his son]

Jake: Oh, some heat.

[Mikey is watching Jake laughing with his wife] [Mikey is looking at Geico Insurance on the internet at night. Jake appears behind him.]

Jake: Looking for better rates?

Mikey: Jesus.

Jake: You know you won’t find them. State Farm’s rate match, even if you do find cheaper coverage, we’ll just match it. [kisses Mikey’s head and leaves]

Mikey: [to Heidi] This is my house and I want him gone. He is not a good neighbor.

Heidi: Get your finger out on my face.

[Jake walks in, pushes Mikey to the wall and whispers on his ear.]

Jake: [whispering]Save even more when you bundle home and auto.

[Mikey is sleeping on the couch. Jake is walking to the bedroom with Heidi.]

Jake: Sleep tight.

[Mikey is getting anxiety]

Mikey: [screaming] I just wanted a policy!

[Mikey is drunk and walking on a bridge]

Mikey: [singing] Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there
and here and in my bed with my wife
he took everything, everything

[police siren]

Police: Step away from the edge. You don’t have to do this buddy. [It’s actually Limu and Doug] LIMU and I can help.

Falling Down

Michael B. Jordan

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Michael B. Jordan walking in SNL office.]

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I’m feeling good.

Bowen: Hey, Michael. Looking good.

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I’m hosting Saturday Night Live.

Sarah: Michael. I think you’re so cool.

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] It’s scary. But I’m Michael B. Jordan. There’s no reason to be nervous.

[Michael B. Jordan slips and falls down]

Ouff, no one saw me.

[Andrew is standing behind him]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

Michael B. Jordan: Yeah. I’m good.

Andrew: All right. Be careful.

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] Oh, okay. Little embarrassing, but at least it’s just Andrew Dismukes. It’s not like Kenan saw him before. It’s all good. I will not fall again. [slips and falls again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

Michael B. Jordan: Andrew, I didn’t see you there.

Andrew: It looked like it hurt.

Michael B. Jordan: It didn’t really.

Andrew: It looked like it did though. Are you okay? You want me to get the Nurse? Nurse? Michael B. Jordan just fell down again.

Michael B. Jordan: I said I was fine.

[Michael B. Jordan is looking at the mirror angrily]

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] This Andrew Dismukes guy’s getting in my head. A Michael B. Jordan. I need to never fall over ever again. [slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: Timber! You okay though?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

Michael B. Jordan: Andrew, stop seeing me fall down.

Andrew: Hey, man, I’m at work. You don’t want me to see you fall down, quit falling down where I work?

Michael B. Jordan: Whatever, just leave me alone.

Andrew: All right, bud. Just be careful. Okay.

[Andrew is walking to his office whistling. He turns on the light, there’s Bowen and Sarah sitting on the couch.]

Andrew: Hey, guys.

Bowen: Andrew, sit down.

Sarah: You have to stop seeing Michael B. Jordan fall down.

Andrew: I can’t help it. Sometimes he falls and I see.

Sarah: Andrew, when somebody falls down, you have to pretend like you didn’t see it.

Andrew: Well, I didn’t know that. Nobody told me that. You can’t get mad at me for something I didn’t know.

Michael B. Jordan: Guys. What’s going on?

Andrew: Nothing. And hey, next time you have a problem with me, at least have the cojones to say it to my face, instead of sending your lackeys to do your dirty work for you.

Michael B. Jordan: I didn’t tell him anything. All I said was that you keep seeing me fall.

Andrew: Well guess what? Sometimes you fall, and sometimes I there.

Michael B. Jordan: Well then, maybe you shouldn’t be around me at all then. Maybe you should leave and never come back.

Andrew: Whatever, man. I’m done. Done.

[Andrew leaves and Sarah stars crying]

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I couldn’t believe what I had done. I pushed away my best friend at the show, Andrew Dis-moe. After everything you’ve been through. Monday pitch in Lorne’s office. Tuesday, writing night. When Andrew got cut from a sketch because he did a bad job. Just throw it all away because he saw me fall down a lot? The show was about to start, but I couldn’t do it without him.

Female voice: Three minutes to air. Where is Michael? Anyone have eyes on Michael B. Jordan?

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I knew there was only one way to bring him back. [he runs outside the studio to get Andrew]

Michael B. Jordan: [falling down intentionally] I’m falling. Where are you, Andrew?

Andrew: I’m here. And we’re not falling. We’re flying.

[They’re flying around the building]

Classified Press Conference Cold Open

Merrick Garland… Mikey Day

Conrad Nance… Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Criminals beware. There’s a new sheriff in town, and he means business. First, he hunted down that January 6 insurrectionists and made them pay. Now he’s searching for classified documents, and he’s coming for who ever have them. Democrat, Republican, or whatever Trump is now. And you don’t want to be in his crosshairs. He’s Attorney General, Merrick Garland.

[Cut to Merrick Garland]

Merrick Garland: Hello. I am Merrick Garland. I may look like I was born in a library, but there’s something you should know. [he shakes his head making whipping sound] Merrick Garland don’t play. [again he shakes his head making whipping sound] As you may have heard, classified documents have been found in the homes of President Biden and former Vice President Pence whose lawyers are cooperating. And also at the home of former President Trump, whose lawyer put a horse head in my bed. Some have said the federal government classifies too many documents, about 50 million a year. This has led people to ask, “Does recovering these documents even matter?” To which I say “I don’t know. But it’s the law.” [he shakes his head making whipping sound] And I am the law.

To enforce the law, I sent teams to search the homes of several recent Presidents and Vice Presidents. Starting with Mike Pence, Special Agent Conrad Nance will brief you on what we discovered.

Conrad Nance: Right, thank you very much. Upon arriving at Mr. Pence’s Indiana home I knew right away, this man needed a friend. When he opened the door he said “You came!”, with a big smile and he offered to make us pancakes. Our search turned up no additional classified documents. However, in an envelope marked “TAXSTUFF”, we discovered photographs of the country pop singer Shania Twain, cut out from several magazines. When confronted with this, Mr. Pence said “I’m sorry, I’m disgusting.” Then we informed Mr. Pence that we were done and we had to leave. He said, “How can you leave when you’re it?” And then tagged me on the shoulder and ran away. Hoping that I would chase after him and play tag. Which I did not. I will say though that if you know Mr. Pence, if you’re friends with them, check on your people. That’s all.

Merrick Garland: All right. Thank you, agent Nance. Next Special Agent Casey Combs will discuss if there were any classified documents at Vide President Kamala Harris’s home.

Casey Combs: Come on now. Joe Biden won’t even give this woman a pin. You think she has classified documents? Please Kamala Harris with classified documents?

Merrick Garland: Well, we had to at least check. Thank you, agent combs. Finally, we searched former President Barack Obama’s home. Special Agent Derek K. will discuss what we found.

Derek K.: Thank you. Yeah, I don’t mean to brag, but I was in Barack Obama’s house. But no big deal, but it was really fun. Mr. Obama opened the door and said, “Are you selling girl scout cookies?” Which is totally cracking up. Like, completely dead. We then entered the home and were shown a number of things including 175 letters from Lin Manuel Miranda begging the president to attend a performance of Hamilton. Obama like read one as Lin Manuel, he was like, “Dear Mr. President, the resume-”  I’m not doing it as funny as he did. It was so fun. Anyway, we asked him about classified documents and he said he was “Out of the government game” and “Doing the Hollywood thing now.” But then Beyonce called him on his cell phone, and he ignored it. So yeah, just liike really cool fun time.

Merrick Garland: All right, there you have in America. If you have classified documents in your home, I have one question for you. Do you think this is a game? Who do you think you’re playing with?  [he shakes his head making whipping sound]  F around and find out!

Conrad Nance: Hey, boss, when we’re done playing with the little papers, we’re gonna head down to Memphis and make sure justice is served down there too right?

Merrick Garland: I sincerely hope so.

Conrad Nance: Yeah, you damn right. Just making sure.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update Three Guys Who Just Bought a Boat

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The NFL playoffs continue this weekend. Here with his tailgating tips is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Ha-ha-ha. Are you ready for some deez-balls? It’s good to beach here.

Colin Jost: I really hated that opening.

The guy: Hey, Colin, I haven’t seen you since that party we had to get COVID on purpose. Great idea by the way, co-jo.

Colin Jost: No. No. I have no idea what you’re talking about. No.

The guy: That’s true. My bro-bro from a No-hoe here told me the same thing many women have. Let’s just get this over with.

Colin Jost: No. That did not happen. No.

The guy: It did. Anyway, it’s football season and if you want to nail your date, you’re gonna have to tell some gate, okay? If you want a touchdown there, here are some just the tips to turn her tight end into a wide receiver. Make your starting– Oh! Make– Hah! Here we go. You’re not gonna like this, guys. Make your starting lineup some beautiful cans. Okay? I’m talking about brewskis, give her some Inklings to get her tingling and pretty soon you’ll be like a running back pounding it up the middle. I have a small penis. What got there?

Colin Jost: What was that?

The guy: I have a small penis. What are you, new here? Hey, wait. Something different around here? I’m getting some sort of message, like, a Blippar from another Skipper? Yep. My tighty whities spidey sense is tingling. Ah! Someone bought a boat. [pointing at Colin Jost]

The guy: No. I don’t think. I don’t know. I don’t really know what you’re talking about.

Colin Jost: I’m getting word in my sidepiece. Breaking news, my boy Coy Joy and SNL boy toy are saying a-hoy-hoy to an aquatic toy-toy. That’s right, Colin and Pete bought a ferry boat.

The guy: All right. Well, fine. Here to talk about it is a guy who just bought a ferry.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey! We bought a ferry. The windowless van of the sea.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s very exciting. We thought the whole thing through.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know. Even the mayor tweeted about it, which is how I found out we have a new Mayor? What happened to Bloomberg?

The guy: I don’t know

Colin Jost: You know, Pete, we did a sketch about the new mayor last week.

Pete Davidson: Oh yeah, I’m gone as soon as my last sketch is over.

Colin Jost: Wait, so you guys bought it together, pulling a double teamer on this steamer. Ha-ha. Me likey. Way to get your deck sweat, boys. Classic boat owner behavior.

Pete Davidson: Actually, actually, there’s a third partner.

The guy: I’m glistening.

Pete Davidson: We bought it with this guy, Paulie Italia, which is the name of a real person and not a mafia themed wrestler. We’re boat people now, Colin. I mean, you always were. You look like, you know, you own the yacht they rend for rap videos.

Colin Jost: We are having trouble finding a place to dock though.

The guy: Oh, fellas, this happens to me all the time. Look, just start poking around downtown. It’ll eventually slip in somewhere. My thingy is a dinghy?

Pete Davidson: Well, actually, our boat is Pete Davidson00 feet long.

The guy: Ew. Look, it’s the width that counts. Mine’s like a tuna can.

Colin Jost: Also, we just keep– We’re gonna keep– No, that’s okay. We’re gonna keep the boat dock. You know, it’s not gonna move on its own power.

The guy: You’re my best friend Colin Jost. Wait, so your boat’s just gonna lay there? Tight. That’s just like me. There’s no motion in this ocean. When your pooner is on this schooner, all are bored (all aboard!). There’s no shame in paying for a tug. Co-Jo knows what I’m talking about.

Pete Davidson: So, it’s like with your penis?

The guy: No, Pete. They’re for a boat.

Colin Jost: Three guys who just bought a boat, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Coling Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Sarah Sherman on Staying Cozy in the Winter

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Shiver me timbers. It’s cold here at 30 Rock. Here to talk about staying cozy in the winter weather is our very own Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman slides in] [cheers and applause]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey Sarah. So, you’re here to talk about the winter?

Sarah Sherman: That’s right. Winter rocks. All the bugs are dead. It’s amazing.

Colin Jost: Okay, so you don’t mind the cold at all.

Sarah Sherman: Collin. I’m cozy all winter long. I got pubes thicker than clothes.

Colin Jost: Oh, you don’t have to talk about your pubes, Sarah.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m sorry. Does the bush stuff make you uncomfortable?

Colin Jost: I mean, I don’t know. A little.

Sarah Sherman: Okay, I’m sorry. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Local female body inspector Colin Jost prefers hairless genitals”] This just in, local female body inspector Colin Jost, wishes his female coworker had hairless genitals like a blow up doll. Now, back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: That’s not– I don’t care about your body hair.

Sarah Sherman: Wow, Colin. Careful how you talk about my body. I’m basically your son’s age.

Colin Jost: So, you’re like six months old?

Sarah Sherman: You wish, sicko. You’d kill to change my diaper, wouldn’t you?

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Sarah, that’s disgusting.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, you think that’s disgusting? You know what’s disgusting? The cost of housing in New York, Colin.Can you believe? Yeah. Can you believe I have to pay $Sarah Sherman00 A month?

Colin Jost: You pay $Sarah Sherman00 for rent. Where do you live?

Sarah Sherman: Wow. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Hamptons homeowner Colin Jost mocks comedian”] Wow! Breaking news. Hamptons homeowner  Colin Jost mocks struggling comedian for finding a good deal by living in his dog house.

Colin Jost: You live in my dog house? Sarah, what do you want for me?

Sarah Sherman: $6,000.

Colin Jost: I’m not giving you 6 grand.

Sarah Sherman: Your funeral. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost-Hansson has not a dime to spare”] In other news, wealth-hoarding Hollywood husband Colin Jost has not a dime to spare for SNL’s underpaid rookie, even though she was going to donate that money to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.

Colin Jost: You didn’t say that.

Sarah Sherman: And another thing. Can we talk about you and Che? It’s always ‘will they won’t they’ with you two. Why don’t you just get it over with and make out already?

Colin Jost: No. I’m not kissing Che.

Sarah Sherman: Wrong answer. [There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Local sex bigot rejects queer love”] This just in. Local sex bigot Colin Jost violently rejects radical act of queer interracial Love.

Michael Che: You are so small minded, Colin.

Colin Jost: Alright, fine. You want to kiss? Let’s do it.

[Colin Jost leans towards Michael Che to kiss.]

Michael Che: [avoiding kiss] Whoa! Whoa! Hey!

[There’s a picture of a fake news article with title that says “Jost thinks being gay is a… joke?”]

Sarah Sherman: Breaking news. Queer baiting Update anchor Colin Jost pretends to be gay for laughs.

Michael Che: Damn, Colin. You are the worst.

Colin Jost: Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: I want you guys to kiss.

Weekend Update New M&Ms Hong Kong Hamsters

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of m&m’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: m&ms announced that they’ve redesigned their iconic m&m characters after people requested that the brown m&m not look like a teacher who has sex with their students.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Prince Andrew and his ex girlfriend at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a new documentary, an ex girlfriend of Prince Andrew described Jeffrey Epstein and Julian Maxwell as Batman and Robin,. Come on, what does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Gen Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I don’t know. Careful Kyle, trying to get your memorabilia back is how they finally got OJ.

[Picture changes to Bono]

New interview, Bono reveals that he never liked the name U2, adding “I also kind of hate Ireland.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Actor John Voight recently released a video claiming that Abraham Lincoln spirit was guiding Donald Trump. Hopefully not to a theater.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Wheel Of Fortune logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Longtime director of Wheel of Fortune has died at the age of 92. Said Wheel of Fortune viewers, “Wow. So Young.”

[Picture changes to the logo of the new show “Rings of Power”]

Amazon announced that their new “Lord of the Rings” TV series will be called “Rings of Power”, though I’m personally more excited for the spin off “Gollum in Paris”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map of Hong Kong and a rat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for COVID. they had to kill more than Michael Che000 of the pets. Okay, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class! [Picture changes to a group of children being shocked] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guitar and a flag of Canada at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar by hiding it in his pants. Police caught the man when he got an erection and it sounded like this. [rock guitar solo playing] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have trained a goldfish to drive a car. They believe it’s the first step to eventually training women.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dwayne The Rock Johnson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said it’s just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Oldest person in US dies at 115” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The oldest living person in the United States died this week at the age of Colin JostColin Jost5. It’s a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for fentanyl.

Weekend Update Chen Biao on the Beijing 2022 Olympics

Michael Che

Chen Biao… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This weekend, NBC announced that it will not be sending any correspondence to the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing. Here to Communist Chinese trade minister and games organizer, Chen Biao.

[Chen Biao slides in] [cheers and applause]

Chen Biao: Hmm, I’ve never been with a trade, daddy. Ayy! What’s up Che Diaz?

Michael Che: I told you, I don’t get that reference. So, how is Beijing feeling about the Olympics?

Chen Biao: Oh, we are pumped. Everyone loves the Winter Olympics. Sliding down snow, sliding down ice, gravity’s got a point and she is the moment.

Michael Che: Well, how does China feel about NBC not sending correspondence?

Chen Biao: Oh, we’re fine. Are you guys okay? NBC is announcing the games from their studios in Connecticut. You know what else films in Connecticut? Maury. Good luck commentating over cries if you are not the father? I mean, how are you going to describe the atmosphere in this stadium? Like, “The vibe is 2AM in Stanford?” Have fun walking home at that hour from Metro North, Grayson.

Michael Che: Who is Grayson?

Chen Biao: Probably some coked out finance guy trying to find his escort in the Wendy’s parking lot.

Michael Che: Anyway, journalists that are in Beijing say the city is completely locked down.

Chen Biao: Well, it’s just for COVID safety. And the protocols aren’t even that restrictive. It’s plane, COVID test, bus, another test, another test, speed skating, anal swab.

Michael Che: Anal swab?

Chen Biao: It’s accurate, and it’s fun.

Michael Che: Okay, but lots of journalists are bringing burner phones to avoid being tracked.

Chen Biao: Burner phones? What is this? The Wire? Must be Season 2 because you’re white and no one cares.

Michael Che: Well, the biggest story is that several countries including the US are planning diplomatic boycotts over China’s human rights violations.

Chen Biao: Human rights. We don’t have that. [a cute picture of a baby pandd with Olympics logo on his belly appears] Plus, is this the face of a country that would violate human rights? Official games mascot Bing-Dwen-Dwen. As you can see, he’s a panda going to a rave. I don’t know, I designed him while I was on ketamine. He’s gonna try and hook up with Shawn white.

Michael Che: Great. So what do you have planned for the opening ceremony?

Chen Biao: Okay, well press release. I’m performing in it. The vibe is gonna be like, Beachella meets Wong Kar-Wai Film meets Dave Chappelle stand up special.

Michael Che: How’s it gonna be like Dave Chappelle stand up special?

Chen Biao: There’s gonna be a lot of people protesting after.

Michael Che: Looks like you’re really making light of some serious issues.

Chen Biao: Okay, fine. You want me to get real? Look, we’re hosting the Winter Olympics because no one else stepped up. It’s our party and we’ll spy if we want to. The IOC chose China and y’all knew what you were getting into. So, now what? We’re in bed and you have posts-nut clarity? Whatever, flop. If you need me, I’ll be skiing the slopes in my Gaga House of Gucci ski goggles. Father, son, house of Daddy.

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

Weekend Update Biden Presidency Enters Year 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden mark the end of his first year in office with the two hour press conference, because that’s how long it took to list everything that’s gone wrong. It was actually the longest presidential press conference in history. But as I’ve been told many times before, just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrsten Sinema at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senate Republicans lined up to shake Kyrsten Sinema’s hand after she voted against changing the filibuster to pass voting rights. Ah, the US Senate, keeping black folks down with a quiet handshakes since 1787. Senator Bernie Sanders suggested that he supports replacing fellow Democrats Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema. Damn Bernie, stabbing your own co-workers in the back as unforgiveable. I would never suggest Colin should be fired no matter how much better I think Bowen would be.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Several Trump White House staff members told the January 6th committee that if Trump made an unscripted statement in the middle of the attack, he would have made the situation worse. And I think that’s a pretty sound argument. No one has ever been like, “You know, who would be perfect to de-escalate the situation? Donald Trump.” Like, if he was trying to talk someone off a ledge, he’d be like, “Don’t jump. Even though your wife left you like a dog. This would be the perfect way to get back at her.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On his first day in office, Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin signed an executive order banning the teaching of critical race theory, which really isn’t that surprising coming from a guy who dresses like Leo in “Django unchained”.

[Picture changes to a person getting COVID vaccine shot]

A new study shows that the COVID vaccine does not cause infertility in men or women. Dammit, why did I get this?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Britain’s most eligible bachelor Prince Andrew officially deleted his Twitter account after he realized that’s not the app with all the dancing teenagers. [Picture changes to TikTok logo]