Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim
Britney… Punkie Johnson
Harry Styles… Timothée Chalamet
Chef… Andrew Dismukes
Billie Eilish… Melissa Villaseñor
Timothée Chalamet… Chloe Fineman
Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson
Male voice: She’s one of a kind. She speaks her mind. A Grammy winner and the queen of Twitter, it’s the Dionne Warwick Talk Show.
Dionne Warwick: Hello. Thank you. Welcome to the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Maybe you know me from my music or maybe you have heard that I just discovered Twitter and these are actual tweets I tweeted out. [A tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “Hi, @chancetherapper, if you are very obviously a rapper, why did you put it in your stage name? I cannot stop thinking bout this.” Or this. [Another tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “How do send a tweet to @SnoopDogg? Did I do this correctly?” Thank you as always to my producer, my publicist and my niece, Britney.
Britney: Oh, hi. Happy to be here, Dionne.
Dionne Warwick: Did Snoop Dogg reply?
Britney: Not yet.
Dionne Warwick: Dang. Alright. Okay. Now, for my standup monologue. [Dionne Warwick stands. There’s music playing.]
a guy with a pin that burst your bubble
Thank you. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest. Harry Styles.
Harry Styles: Ms. Warwick. You’re a legend. I can’t believe it. I’m such a massive fan.
Dionne Warwick: Yes. And who are you?
Harry Styles: I’m Harry Styles. I’m a singer. Sort of essential fashion man and you could say I do it for everyone. [winks at the camera]
Dionne Warwick: No, no. But where do I know you from?
Harry Styles: Maybe you know my song, “Watermelon Sugar.”
Dionne Warwick: What is watermelon sugar?
Harry Styles: Well, I think it’s just about summer but some people think it’s about oral sex.
Dionne Warwick: That’s nasty.
Harry Styles: But, on a woman.
Dionne Warwick: Okay, now I like your ass. I like you a lot. Alright. One last question, Harry Styles. Why is Windy Williams being a bitch to me? She started beefing and now she acting like she can’t finish.
Harry Styles: Oh. I’m sorry. I don’t know who Wendy Williams is.
Dionne Warwick: Oh. I knew I liked your ass. Okay. Alright. Thank you for joining us. That’s enough. Go away. Go away. [Harry Styles leaves] Alright. Go on. Britney, baby, it is exciting to be on TV.
Britney: Oh, yes. Just like when you were on Celebrity Apprentice.
Dionne Warwick: No, I wasn’t. I briefly worked for Donald Trump.
Britney: That was the show, auntie.
Dionne Warwick: I don’t remember it that way. Okay. Now for our cooking segment. [Dionne Warwick stands and walks to the kitchen side. There’s a chef there.]
Oh, pretty good. Thank you.
Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest. Ms. William Eyelash.
Billie Eilish: Hi. Yeah, my name is actually Billie Eilish. I’m a singer.
I’m a bad guy.
Dionne Warwick: Mm, that’s wonderful. So, Kesha–
Billie Eilish: No. I’m Billie Eilish.
Dionne Warwick: No, I know. So, why does Kesha have a dollar sign? And also Sia with the wig, she got a nose job or something.
Billie Eilish: Are you just going to keep asking me about other people?
Dionne Warwick: Yes. Now, Billie Eilish, you’re spooky. Can you put a hex on Windy Williams for me?
Billie Eilish: I could try.
Dionne Warwick: Okay. Thanks for coming.
Okay. Our next guest has been making all my assistants blush. Timothée Chalamet.
Timothée Chalamet: Oh, man. This is crazy. This is so cool.
Dionne Warwick: Okay. You seem young.
Timothée Chalamet: [laughing] Na. Na. Na. Na. [laughing] I guess.
Dionne Warwick: Okay, young man. That’s enough now. Help me with my phone. It is locked and I’m trying to send a clap back at Windy Williams. I just want to clap back.
Timothée Chalamet: Yes, yes.
Dionne Warwick: No, I don’t want to fist bump. Okay. You can take that back stage buddy. Alright, now.
Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Alright, next guest. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.
Machine Gun Kelly: Ae-yo. Wad up?
Dionne Warwick: No. That man is here to kill us.
Britney: No. It’s just his name, auntie.
Dionne Warwick: No. I don’t want to chance it, baby. Get him out of here.
Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Whatever. Peace.
Dionne Warwick: Phew! Much better. Alright. Okay, audience. We have come to the best part of the show. Everyone look under your chairs. Everyone gets a– [music starts]
Audience: There is nothing there.
Dionne Warwick: That’s right. I don’t owe you anything. Thank you for watching the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Snoop, call me, baby!