Blocking It Out for Christmas Cold Open

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Sarah Sherman

Ego Nwodim

Mikey Day

[Starts with three adults in a Christmas party]
[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas.

Kenan: Is it already?

Bowen: Yeah, that’s right. Mariah Carey saw her shadow. That means two more weeks till Christmas.

Cecily: Oh, yes. What a year it’s been.

Kenan: What a three years.

Bowen: I know. I’m still signing my checks 2019.

Cecily: Well, I’m more concerned that you’re still writing checks.

Bowen: You know what I mean. I mean, the whole world is just so overwhelming sometimes. War, climate change, Prince Harry Megan Markel documentary.

Cecily: You’re right. It’s hard not to feel helpless. I think I should be doing more for myself or friends, for society. But then I remember.

[singing] It’s Christmas
and all of my stress fades away

all the problems and issues

and crying and tissues

can wait until January

Kenan: You just give your concerns a delay?

Cecily: Till Christmas

Bowen: Oh, you mean block it all out? Bury your feelings deep inside where they can’t hurt you?

Cecily: Yes, exactly.

Kenan: Like…

[singing] My drinking
it’s starting to get out of hand
I knew that it may have crossed
into a dark place
when Burger King said I was banned

But maybe I’ll just make that my brand.

Till Christmas.

Cecily: You see, you’re getting it. What about you?

Bowen: Oh, I don’t know. Let me try.

[singing] My mental health
my mental health hasn’t been great
I wake up at noon and the sun somehow setting
than I fall back asleep around eight
But I can live in the delusional states

All: For Chrismas

Sarah: Hey, we heard you guys singing about ignoring your anxiety in an unhealthy way.

Ego: You don’t mind if we join you and do a little ooze in the background?

Cecily: Sure. And you know we can complain about specific people too. Like…

[singing] Elon. 

[Sarah and Ego oozing in the background]

Why does he own all this stuff
Why does he have to run Tesla and Twitter
was outerspace not enough?

Bowen: And Hitler.

[Sarah and Ego oozing in the background]

Since when did Hitler come back?
Didn’t we basically all agree years ago
Hitler should never come back

Kenan: And why are all his new fans black?

All: For Christmas.
Let’s block it all out for Chriastmas

Kenan: There’s sober October and no nut November
so let’s introduce no remember December

Cecily: Family visits and you just want to hide
that’s why I drink eggnog with the Xanax inside

Ego: For Easter and who thinks whose lifestyles wrong

Sarah: Forget your uncle who hurt you way too long

Bowen: Your grandma will whisper your living in sin

Cecily: So just TikTok on the toilet till your ass falls in

Kenan: You’re worrying too much when you’re giving gifts
it’s easy here to buy a gun than tickets to Taylor Swift
Ego: Stop obsessing about every decision from Scotis
or the mental well being of our current protest

All: Just focus on who’s gonna die on White Lotus.
Because it’s Christmas.

[doorbell ringing]
[Devon walks in with a box]

Devon: Hey, did somebody order a Grub Hub?

Cecily: Oh, my dinner’s here. I got Italian.

Devon: Yes, that’s one order a garlic bread and 12 bottles of wine.

Cecily: Yes, that’s right. You can leave the wine over there.

Devon: Okay, and did you want the garlic bread?

Cecily: I think you know I don’t.

Kenan: Wow. I feel like all our holiday worries have gone away.

Bowen: Me too. Except for a few things, just off the top of my head.

Schools are failing kids don’t know Jack
Coleman never left and also it’s bad
Cable News is awful but I can put it
R Kelly dropped an album called ‘I admit it’

So I really want to shout
but I’m blocking everything out

for Christmas

All: For Christmas.

Sarah: Okay. So you bury all all your feelings for Christmas, okay? But what happens in January?

Cecily: Oh, then…

We explode
we freak out and threaten our ex

we drink to the point
where we contemplate murderer
and accept Venmo payments for sex
but that’s just what happens next
because for now is it’s Christmas

[Santa Clause walks in]

Santa Clause: Ho-ho-ho-ho. And live from New York… Wait did you say Venmo payments for sex?

Cecily: It’s Saturday night!

A Visit with Santa

Bowen Yang

Santa… Steve Martin

Elf… Martin Short

Penny… Chloe Fineman

Danny… Andrew Dismukes

Amanda… Ego Nwodim

Lisa… Sarah Sherman

Bowen: Children of all ages, you’ve come to the right place. The actual Mr. Chris Granville himself has come all the way from the North Pole and Santa!

Santa: Ho-ho-ho. That is right. My schedule is a little crazy right now, but there’s no place I’d rather be. Right Sprinkles, the Elf?

Elf: That’s right, Santa. Can’t say no to a hopeful child. Or my name isn’t Pringles the Elf.

Santa: Oh, is it Sprinkles or Pringles?

Elf: It’s sprinkles but sometimes I get excited and I say Pringles. I don’t know. I like Pringles.

Santa: Good. I have been calling you Sprinkles for hundreds of years.

Elf: Right. It’s Sprinkles? I made a mistake.

Santa: Okay, who’s first?

Bowen: This is Penny. She’s nine. And I’m pretty sure she’s your biggest fan.

Penny: Hi, Santa. I love you, Santa.

Santa: Oh, isn’t that sweet? Now what do you want for Christmas this year?

Penny: Well, I would like a Magic Nixies Crystal Ball.

Santa: Oh, that sounds like something I like too.

Penny: And What The Fluff interactive toy cat.

Santa: Oh, well, you’re gonna have to have that.

Penny: And oh. I also…

Elf: [yelling] That’s enough. You asked for two things. That’s enough. Read the room.

Penny: But I want a rainbow high doll.

Elf: I said no. It’s too much. He can’t do it.

Santa: Sprinkles, of course I can do it. I’m Santa. You’ll get all yes for and more, Penny. I promise you.

Penny: Thanks, Santa.

Elf: Next!

Bowen: Is everything okay

Elf: Yes.

Santa: It is?

Elf: I said yes.

Bowen: Okay, this is Danny. He’s 11.

Santa: Hey.

Danny: Hi. My mom says soon I’ll be too old to come see you. So I should go now.

Santa: Nonsense. You’re never too old now. What do you want this year?

Danny: Well, I was thinking I want a Razor X skateboard and Beats wireless headphones and a Todd Snyder popover hoodie.

Elf: Oh my God. Are you trying to kill him?

Danny: What?

Elf: He cannot operate on this level. You want to Todd Snyder what?

Danny: Popover hoodie.

Elf: He doesn’t know what that is.

Santa: Of course I do. It’s like a hoodie with a thing. It’s a wonderful gift.

Elf: What happened to the air pods he got you last year?

Danny: I lost them.

Elf: Ah, you son of a bitch, get out of here. No more shit. [stands and walks to Danny, pulls him off and pushes him out] Now, stay out. Next.

Santa: Sprinkles.

Elf: What?

Santa: You have legs.

Elf: Yes. My god. Three years now. Thanks for noticing.

Santa: Yeah. That’s amazing.

Bowen: Okay, I’m not sure this is a good idea. But this is Amanda.

Santa: Hi, Amanda, aren’t you cute.

Amanda: I want Taylor Swift tickets.

Elf: Say that again. I dare you.

Amanda: I want Taylor Swift tickets.

Elf: [yelling] Then get a job.

Santa: Sprinkles. Can I talk with you?

Elf: What are you doing? You’re just saying yes to everything.

Santa: But I love children.

Elf: There are 2 billion of them. And they all want a fortnight battle passes, whatever the hell it is.

Santa: Sprinkles, calm down. Every year you worry we can’t pull it off. But we always do. And we’ll do it this year too, I promise.

Elf: With fixedness magic?

Santa: Well, there’s this other stuff I heard about. And it’s called speed.

Elf: Speed? What’s that?

Santa: Well, it’s some kind of vitamin that makes you go faster. We just have to figure out where to get some.

Elf: Well, can’t you ask one of the kids that they have any?

Santa: No, I’m not allowed to ask them for stuff. But maybe if one of them brings it up, you know, I can kind of ask them.

Elf: Okay, let’s try.

Santa: Okay. Hi, little girl. What’s your name?

Lisa: Hi, I’m Lisa and I want to pony.

Santa: Oh, that’s great. You know anything about speed?

Lisa: No. What is that?

Santa: Oh, this kid’s nothing. Get out of here.

Elf: Hey wait, that guy knows I bet.

Bowen: Who? Me?

Elf: He knows. He knows.

Santa: He definitely knows. Come here little boy.

[Bowen whispers in Santa’s ears]

Uh-huh. And they take cash.

Elf: Christmas is safe.

A Christmas Carol

Scrooge…Martin Short

Boy… Sarah Sherman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to Charles Dicken’s – A Christmas Carol.

[Cut to Scrooge having a nighrmare]

Scrooge: Please. Enough of these ghostly visions. I want to be a better man. I want to live. [wakes up] Oh, I’m alive. I can’t believe I’m alive. Thank you spirits. Thank you for showing me the way. I’m as light as a feather. I’m as Merry as a schoolboy. I’m as giddy as a drunken man. And I will change. I swear to you and I will change. I just hope it’s not too late. [opens the window and points at a boy] You, lad. You down there.

Boy: Me?

Scrooge: Yes, you boy. Tell me what day is today?

Boy: It’s Christmas Day, sir.

Scrooge: Ah! Christmas! Then I haven’t missed it. The spirits came in all in one night. My dear boy, you know the prized goose in the window down the street?

Boy: The one as big as me?

Scrooge: That’s the one. Go and buy it so the Tiny Tim and his family might have a Christmas feast.

Boy: What shall I buy it with, sir? I’m so poor.

Scrooge: Well, with this, of course. [Throws a golden coin. The coin flips and flips, then hits the boy’s eye and hurts him]

Boy: Ah! Oh my god. What the hell are you doing? I’m blind.

Scrooge: Why didn’t you catch it?

Boy: You’re blaming me?

Scrooge: Then here, okay? Please take this for your medical bills.

Boy: What’s that?

[Scrooge throws another golden coin. The coin hits the boy’s another eye and hurts him]

Oh my god!

Mikey: This crazy old man is whipping coins into the eyes of orphans.

Scrooge: I didn’t know he was an orphan.

Boy: Yeah? Like I look like I have living parents?

[A spirit appears in Scrooge’s room]

Spirit: Hey, Scrooge. Just thought I’d check in and see how you… [see’s the boy’s eyes] Oh my god.

Mikey: Someone arrest that man. He’s blinding children for sport.

Andrew: He’s always been a cruel old man. He hates us orphans.

Spirit: Let me guess. You tossed the coin way up in the air, right? That’s a classic mistake. What do you want to do is toss the coin straight down. Now watch this. [Throws a coin. The coin hits Andrew’s eye now.]

Mikey: What are you doing?

Boy: I couldn’t see what happened.

Molly: He’s blinding whole town here.

Spirit: Okay, that was my bad. Here, kid. Put the ice on it. [Throws an ice which then pierces Andrew. Andrew is bleeding all over other people.]

Scrooge: That was him [pointing at spirit]

Spirit: Yeah, they can’t see me because I’m a ghost. So you look like a total psychopath.

Tiny Tim: Is it true Mr. Scrooge? Are you blinding children for fun?

Scrooge: Of course not, Tiny Tim. I’m a changed man. I tell you. Now, take this money to fix your legs. I’ll just throw it on the ground right then you can pick it up okay?

[Scrooge throws a coin on the ground, but it bounces and breaks Tiny Tim’s crutch. Tiny tim falls into sewer.]

Mikey: Scrooge just threw Tiny Tim into a sewer.

Molly: He’s the devil.

Spirit: Okay, my earlier advice was to be nicer to people, but my new advice is to lawyer up.

Scrooge: It’s fine. I can take care of this. Lets everyone keep quiet about this whole incident, shall we? And I’ll make it worth your while.

[Scrooge throws a bunch of coins which now is hurting a lot of people.]

Mikey: Please stop yelling and throwing shiny objects. You’re going to spook the horse.

[The horse kicks Mikey’s head off]

Scrooge: Okay, well, we’ve all learned a lot today, haven’t we? But the most important lesson is, Merry Christmas.

[Scrooge closes the window. The glass shatters and falls off, and hurts a lot of people again.]

Male voice: Apple pay, never use coins again.

Weekend Update Punkie Johnson on Her Familys Holiday Rules

Michael Che

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After two years, TSA inspects family holiday gatherings, to be back to pre pandemic levels. Here to talk about her family this holiday is Punkie Johnson.

[Punkie Johnson slides in]

Punkie Johnson: Hey. What’s good, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: I’m alright. So, you’re traveling to see your Family this Christmas.

Punkie Johnson: I am. They all down in New Orleans. Yo, I got a big family and we got lots of holiday rules. So, let’s start off with the most important, food. Like, the oldest person must always make the potato salad because they have lived, Che. They know the secret ingredient isn’t Aiza Paprika. It’s pain, dog. You can’t make real potato sad unless you struggle with bone disease, high blood pressure. Oh, you grew up drinking from a segregated waterfall.

Michael Che: That’s why my uncle Laiden makes salad. He don’t got a foot.

Punkie Johnson: Damn! He ain’t got no foot?

Michael Che: Nope.

Punkie Johnson: That potato salad must be delicious.

Michael Che: It is, Punk. So, does everybody bring something?

Punkie Johnson: Yeah, man .Everybody, except for my shady uncle. All he brings is his judgment, man. He still can’t believe I’m gay. He’d be like, “Oh, you’re still into them girls, huh?” And I’m like, “Yes, unc, because women are soft and fluffy. Like hotel pillows. And they smell like Cucumber, Lemon and stability.” I don’t want to wake up with no big hairy man in my bed with a bulge in my back. Oh, yo rough like Brixton, smell like Newports and excuses. Then he always asks me “Well, how do you expect to make a baby then?”

Michael Che: Well, do you want a baby?

Punkie Johnson: I do. I really do. Especially around the holidays, I get baby fever. But I gotta be honest, man. I don’t want a daughter.

Michael Che: You don’t want a daughter? Why not?

Punkie Johnson: Because what if she turned out straight? I don’t want my baby girl to get boned. Argh! Y’all feel me, fellas. Come on! If I have a daughter and she bring a man home, I’m gonna be like, “Bitch I ain’t raised you like that. Where you learn this nonsense, huh? If I’m gay, and your mama gay, then you gay.”

Michael Che: Punkie, you can’t make your child gay.

Punkie Johnson: Watch me. From age one to five, my baby is going to wear nothing but Jordans, a diaper, gold chains in a sports bra. She’ll be gay by six.

Michael Che: I mean, you never know what would happen. You could have a gay son.

Punkie Johnson: I don’t think so. My family motto won’t be, “If I’m smashing holes, then everybody’s smashing hoes in this house.” There’s gonna be a hoes smashing house, Che. Merry Christmas, America.

Michael Che: Punkie Johnson, everbody.

Punkie Johnson: Ma! I’m pregnant!


Weekend Update Pot Sleep Study and Oreo Wine

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s picture of marijuana leaves at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds the regular use of marijuana may disrupt people’s sleep. “That’s adorable”, said cocaine.

[Picture changes to Sylvester Stallone]

It was reported that Sylvester Stallone will start a new TV series playing an Italian mob boss from Kansas City, in what is a absolute nightmare scenario for the closed captioning guy.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Man stares at sun for an hour” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A man in India has set a new record by staring directly at the Sun for an hour without blinking. The record is for best drugs.

[Picture changes to Galane Maxwell and a woman.]

A woman testifying in the sex trafficking trial of Galane Maxwell said that Maxwell told her that Jeffrey Epstein needed to have sex about three times a day and if not, he’d killed himself.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s picture of NBC logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s good. But do you get it? NBC said that it would not air the qualifying trials for the Olympic curling team because of an ad on the ice for a Dutch sex toy. Oh, so that’s what that thing is.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caduceus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report shows that female doctors over the course of their careers make $2 million less than men. That’s just not right. Female doctors?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cat at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that if cats were humans, their behavior would classify them as psychopaths. While if dogs were human, they would get “me too’d” on day one.

[Picture changes to a wine and an Oreo] Barefoot Wine has teamed up with Oreos to create a line of bread wine with hints of chocolate, while I have teamed up with alcoholism to give it a try.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of London street at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new report lists the city with the worst traffic in the world as London, England. Here’s an idea. Maybe stop driving on the wrong side of the road? I’m just saying.

[Picture changes to KFC logo]

Kentucky Fried Chicken is testing a new dipping sauce called sweet hot capital city mumbo sauce. Coincidentally, sweet hot capital city Mambo sauce is also what Jost calls rap music once.

Colin Jost: No! Once!

Weekend Update Jussie Smollett Found Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Jussie Smollett at left top corner.]

On Thursday, Chicago jury declared Jussie Smollett really bad at acting. Smollett was found guilty of charges related to staging a hate crime. It’s the worst stage hate crime since my all Christian production of Fiddler on the Roof.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

And in legal news, where someone definitely won’t get convicted, Donald Trump will be subpoenaed by New York Attorney General Letitia James. James wants to depose Trump under oath on January 7. come on, give the guy a break. I mean, that’s the day after his big anniversary. [picture changes to Capitol riot] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kamala Harris at right top corner.]

According to a new report, a former staff member for vice president Kamala Harris says that she often fails to read briefing material and is unprepared for meetings. Well, you know, it feels really amazing to finally see someone in the White House was just like me.

[Picture changes to Ainsley Earhardt]

After the tree outside of Fox News headquarters was set on fire by a homeless man, Fox and Friends host Ainsley Earhardt said “This Scrooge is not going to get away with it.” And nothing has ever explained Fox News better than a rich white lady calling a homeless man scrooge.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Olympic logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: China responded after President Biden announced a diplomatic boycott of the Beijing Olympics by saying the US will pay for its wrongdoing. You wait and see. But America isn’t scared by your threats. And even though NBC is broadcasting the Olympics, they aren’t afraid to let me speak my mind about what the Chinese government is up to. So, you liste–

[Cut to “Technical Difficulties” interference cilp] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roger Stone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump advisor Roger Stone, who draws his glasses on with a sharpie, refused to cooperate with the committee investigating the January 6 attacks. Those stones said he would be open to sitting in the corner watching the committee take turns on his wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Russia and Ukraine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Russia has deployed 90,000 troops to its border with Ukraine leading many to believe that Vladimir Putin intends to invade the country. And no offense to Ukraine, but why? Is Russia running low on tracksuits and counterfeit cologne? At the same time it’s tough for America to criticize countries who take land from their neighbors. I mean, it’s not exactly a secret where we got New Mexico.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an anime convention at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC believes the Omicron variant was first appearing in the US during a recent anime convention in New York. Damn! The one time they leave the house.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of vaccination card at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York City will require all children over the age of five to show proof of vaccination before dining indoors or going to an entertainment venue. Because if there’s one thing a five year old can do, it’s keep track of a small piece of paper.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chris Cuomo and Andrew Cuomo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After CNN fire Chris Cuomo has revealed that the former anchor has been accused of sexual misconduct just like his older brother. “Well, those two are quite a pair,” said Cuomo to a female coworker.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Devin Nunez at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Representative Devin Nunez seen here realizing a little came out on that one, announced that he is leaving congress to become CEO of Trump’s new social media company, which again just based on this photo will be called “SQRT”.

Weekend Update Andrew Dismukes Amazing Animals

Colin Jost

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: We here at Update sure do love animals. Dogs, cats, love those guys. Here to do his new animal segment and these amazing animals is their own Andrew Dismukes.

[Andrew Dismukes slides in. He has his face painted like a tiger.]

Andrew Dismukes: Hey! Yeah! Hey there, Colin. Rawr! I’m just goofing.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. No, I knew. Hey, Andrew, I really love the face paint.

Andrew Dismukes: Thanks.

Colin Jost: Yeah, it’s really cool. And I understand you also brought some animal friends with you today

Andrew Dismukes: Oh, that’s right, Colin. Animals can do some incredible stuff. And today, I brought my smartest friend Bongo, the octopus. [brings in an octopus in an aquarium]

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah.

Andrew Dismukes: So, Bongo here is actually somewhat of a psychic. In fact, he’s correctly predicted the winner of the last three World Cups. And today he’ll be predicting the winner of Sunday’s game between the Packers and Bears.

Colin Jost: Wow. Very cool. So, how does it work?

Andrew Dismukes: Well, when I say go, Bongo will use his sharpie to check off which team he predicts is going to win.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well then, I guess let’s get started.

Andrew Dismukes: Alright. Are you ready Bongo? Begin. [the octopus is raising its tentacle] You know, Colin, octopus are highly intuitive. They can anticipate stressful situations and even experience complex emotions.

Colin Jost: Wow, that’s pretty cool, Andrew.

[bell rings]

Andrew Dismukes: Oh, time’s up. Okay, Bongo. What is your prediction?

[Bongo has written “You will die in 7 days” on the board]

Wait, what?

Colin Jost: Does that say you’re gonna die in seven days?

Andrew Dismukes: Bongo, what are you saying?

[Bongo has written “I’m sorry my friend. It is what I see.” on the board]

Colin Jost: I don’t think an octopus can just–

Andrew Dismukes: Shh! Shh! Shut up, Colin. Bongo. You see what man cannot. Therefore I will accept my destiny.

[Bongo has written “Farewell sweet prince” on the board]

Bongo the octopus everyone.

Colin Jost: Wow. That’s really–

Andrew Dismukes: Wasn’t that amazing, Collin?

Colin Jost: Andrew, are you okay?

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah. I just thought he was gonna pick the Packers but I guess instead I’m gonna die.

Colin Jost: Do you want to stop the segment?

Andrew Dismukes: Nah, nah, nah, I’m good. We all gotta die sometime, right? My next furry friend is one talking is pooch. It’s Taco the talking dog. [He pulls in a dog] Here he comes. Okay, taco. Let’s get Taco.

Colin Jost: There’s Taco.

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah, Taco here communicates by pushing on these buttons. He can even solve some pretty complicated–

Colin Jost: [as the dog is not getting his head above the table level]Pretty shy.

Andrew Dismukes: Yea, pretty shy. He can even solve some basic math problems.

Colin Jost: Oh, basic. Oh good, I love basics.

Andrew Dismukes: Taco, tell the people what’s four plus four?

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Are you going to die?

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah, bud. I think so. But you don’t gotta worry about that. Just tell me what’s four plus four?

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Are you scared?

Andrew Dismukes: Of course I’m scared. But Bongo says it’s gonna happen, so it’s pretty much a done deal. Taco, what’s four plus four?

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: I love you.

Andrew Dismukes: [sobbing] I love you too, Taco. For old times sake, tell me w four plus four?

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Three.

Andrew Dismukes: No, that’s not it, Taco.

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Three.

Andrew Dismukes: No. No, Taco. It’s not three, bud.

[the dog starts pressing buttons and a computer sound is playing]

Dog’s sound: Just messing. It’s eight.

Andrew Dismukes: You son of a bitch. You got me again.

Colin Jost: Andrew’s amazing animals, everyone.

Andrew Dismukes: I’m gonna die.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Santa Song

Leslie D… Billie Eilish

Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kenan Thompson

[starts with Leslie D, Kate and Ego at the stage. Leslie D is the lead singer]

Leslie D: Hey girls, I have a Christmas question for you: Has this ever happened to you?

Kate: It sure has Leslie D.

Leslie D: Wait, I haven’t asked you yet.

Ego: Asked us what Leslie D?

Leslie D: Just let me ask it and then you’ll know!

Kate: Okay don’t get mad…

Leslie D: Girls, I’m asking if you’ve ever dreamed of meeting someone your whole entire life, and then when you finally got the chance it didn’t go quite as planned?

Ego: Oh, we know just what you’re talking about.

Kate: But sing about it anyway just in case we don’t.

Leslie D: Okay…
[singing] It was a winter’s night, a quarter to three
I was dozin’ by my Christmas tree
When he appeared with a full white beard
The very guy that I revered
I’m talking Santa! (Santa)
I was in the same room as him

Ego: You met the Santa? Like, from the bible?

Kate: Where you nervous Leslie D?

Leslie D: Was I ever!

[singing] But I said to myself, “Don’t be a fool
Be smooth as ice and play it cool.”
So here is what I said…

“Hey sexy mama nice teeth!”

Yeah, I made it weird with Santa

Kate: Now why’d you go ahead and call him mama Leslie D?

Leslie D: I don’t know, I was nervous! He’s famous! And I thought if I winked he’d know I was kidding…um

[singing] Does Santa hate me?
It’s anyone’s guess
He said my name
And I said “yes”
He asked if I’d been naughty or nice
and I said: Why’s asking, virgin?
Yeah I made it weird with Santa!

Kate: What does that even mean Leslie D?

Leslie D: I don’t know, it just came out of my mouth! Haha…

Ego: Well, what did Santa do?

Leslie D: He gave an odd smile and said, “Okay sure”
Then he sorta started heading towards the door…

Ego: Not the chimney?

Leslie D: No I think he just wanted to get out of there. 

So I said, “Okay Santa, you do you!”
And then I made finger guns and I went “zoop zoop”

Leslie D: Yikes, what is wrong with you?

Ego: Don’t feel bad, it happens to us all

Kate: We met him once at a Christmas ball

Kate and Ego: How could we converse with him? We should’ve rehearsed
Cause then he asked us if we were good and here’s what we said…

Ego: You tell me, you’re in charge Daddy…

Leslie D: Woah!

Ego: I thought I was flirting, I don’t know, but then I remembered, maybe he has a wife?

Kate: So then, I said, “Hey Santa, so you and Mrs. Clause never had children. Was that a conscious decision or was there like a health issue there? Or are the elves your children and you keep trying to make a tall one?”

Leslie D: Oh no. Then what happened?

Kate: He asked me what my name was and I said Beth. And he said, “Get away from me Beth.”
I don’t think I’m on good terms with Santa

Ego: But it gets worse, ’cause then I said, “Sorry Santa, we’ll leave you alone. But just so you know, you’re zipper is down.” And he said, “No, no, that’s just the fuzzy seame on my Santa suit. And I said, “No look!” And then I touched him down there.

Kate: Why?!

Ego: I don’t know! Because my brain doesn’t work!

Kate and Ego: We really blew it with Santa


Leslie D: He thinks I’m a dodo
He thinks I’m a doof
My, oh my, what’s that sound on the roof?

[Santa walks in with a mic]

Santa: Ho ho ho!

All: Santa!

Santa: Prancer said that I should give you one more chance. After all, it is Christmas.

Kate: It’s not our fault Santa

Ego: We’re not good in crowds

Leslie D: We never know what we’ll say out loud

Santa: All is forgiven, in fact I bring gifts
As a thank you for this jazzy Christmas Riff!

Ego: Wow!

Santa: What do you say?

Kate: My wife.

Santa: Try again.

Leslie D: Thank you Santa. We’re weird, but we love you!

Santa: Hey, Santa’s a little weird too, hehe.

All: Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas!

Please Dont Destroy Future Selves

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, Martin Herlihy chilling in their office]

John: Dude, do you ever want to just go home, have a couple of drinks and just drive?

Ben: Cruise, right?

Martin: John, that’s drunk driving.

John: Oh, right. Right.

[suddenly everything starts shaking. A portal appears and three old men walk in through the portal.]

Martin: Who the hell are you?

Old Martin: We’re you, from the future.

Old John: We’ve come back in time to deliver you a great warning.

Old Martin: In the future climate change has turned the planet into an uninhabitable–

Martin: First of all, hello. Can we talk about this first? Because this is crazy.

John: How are our lives going?

Ben: Are we rich? I had to ask. Are we rich?

Old Ben: No. Actually, in a lot of debt.

Ben: Oh, debt? Oh.

Martin: But family life’s good? We’re all married.

Old Martin: No! No woman can hold me down. Huh?

Martin: Oh, that’s pretty cool.

Old Martin: I’ve been through a really bad divorce. But if we can act now we can avoid total human extinction—

Martin: I don’t care.

Old Martin: What?

Martin: If you’re what I’m working towards, I’d honestly rather just die now. I mean, this is what happens to me? I get divorced so hard, I start dressing like Jared Leto.

Ben: You have way too many accessories for a man over 70.

John: And then you look at this guy. [at old Ben] It’s just like, oh!

Ben:  mean, who do you think you’re fooling with that wig?

Old Ben: What wig?

Ben: What wig? Did you only age from the forehead down.

Old John: Show some respect over here, hah!

John: Stop. What the hell happened? Why are you way more Italian than I am?

Old John: Oh, ay!

John: Oh, ay! Why are you talking like that?

Old John: Talking like that?

John: This is a tragedy, dude. I turned into Paulie Walnuts.

Old Martin: Guys, we really need to get back to climate change.

Ben: Yeah, no. We’re so past that. Did you ever sail across the world?

Old Ben: Almost. But then my house burned down? On my birthday.

Ben: Why are you the saddest man I’ve ever seen in my life?

Old Ben: Stop playing into us. You’re the ones who made us this way.

Ben: Oh really? I made you put that wig on man. Dude. You just look like the ghost of Ed Sheeran

Old Ben: Suck it, weirdo.

Ben: The wig’s coming off

[Ben starts to pull old Ben’s hair]

Old John: Get your hands off him before I call my guys on you.

John: Your guys? He is from the mafia?

Martin: Fine! Let the planet burn. We’re out of here.

Martin: Get out of here.

John: Oh, one last thing before we go. [looking at the camera] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ben: What is that, man?

John: Just go.

Kyles Holiday

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Punkie Johnson

Billie Eilish

Mikey Day

[Starts with Punkie and Aidy chatting at their office]

Aidy: I know it’s like what do I get my dad for Christmas?

Punkie: Buying presents is the worst.

Aidy: Yes, so stressful.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Totally. And what’s up with Santas clothes? Like you might want to update that wardrobe. Right?

Aidy: Yeah. Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Question for you. What are you all doing for Christmas? Should we do something together? That’d be kinda weird and cool.

Aidy: Oh, I mean, I’m going home.

Punkie: Yeah, this is family for me.

Kyle: Ah! Dope. Well, if things change, I’m just chilling over the break. So hit me up.

Aidy: Okay.

Kyle: God bless us. Everyone. Tiny Tom, or it’s not Tiny Tom– Thompson.

Aidy: No.

[Kyle walks away and looks back at Aidy and Punkie talking to each other. He feels lonely] [Cut to Bowen getting ready. Kyle walks to him]

Kyle: Bowen, my dastardly companion.

Bowen: Hey, Kyle.

Kyle: What you do for Xmas?

Bowen: Oh, my parents are flying in.

Kyle: Well, if the plane crashes or anything, I’ll just be in the city.So, hit me up.

Bowen: Jesus!

Kyle: Remember, don’t be naughty. Oh, oh!

[Kyle turns around and makes a sad face. He feels lonely] [Cut to Jacob writing his page. Kyle walks to him.]

Kyle: Jacob, coolest page ever. Hey, you get to spend Christmas with me. I know. I’m sort of an SNL vet. But I’m surprisingly down to hang with people like you.

Jacob: Oh, I actually can’t. I’m going upstate.

Kyle: But I’m on the cast.

[Kyle turns around and starts crying. He feels lonely]

Jacob: Are you crying?

Kyle: No, no, no. [sobbing] I was just thinking how cool it is that Santa does it all in one night? Guy is a monster.

[Kyle walks away] [singing]

Just another Christmas

[Billy Eilish joins]

Kyle and Billy: Alone

Billy: Wow. Kyle, you’re a great singer.

Kyle: I know. They don’t know how to use me on the show. And no one’s spending Christmas with. Even the Please Don’t Destroy guys said I shouldn’t be alive.

Billy: Oh! Sorry, man. But Christmas isn’t just about where you are on December 25. It’s about the love that surrounds you every day. I bet there’s a lot of Christmas Joy here at 30 Rock.

Kyle: Yeah. I guess you’re right.

Billy: So go ahead. Who brings Christmas joy into your life?

Kyle: Well, there’s Kenan Thompson. He still calls me Beck Bennett. I can tell that his heart is definitely in the right place. And no one’s better than Heidi and Ego. They’re so funny. They’ve got this really great bit going when they just don’t follow me on Instagram. Can’t forget Pete. You know it’s tough being the handsome guys on show. The tablets just won’t leave us alone. I guess everyone here brings me joy. Except maybe Mikey Day. I really don’t like him. I think he’s fake? I have a fantasy where I catch them on a ride at night alone. Sort of tie him up. I’m wearing a mask but I let them get a peek at who’s in charge.

[Cut to Kyle picturing him tying up Mikey]

Mikey: Kyle?

Kyle: You guessed it.

[Cut back to Kyle and Billie]

Kyle:  I throw him in the closet, kick them around a little bit. Pour some gasoline on him just to mess with him. And I go on his computer change all the Mikey’s in his scripts to Kyle’s and then look at me, I’m the star of the show. So yeah, to answer your question, it’s very joyful to be here at 30 Rock.

Billy: Holy fuck!

Kyle: Thanks for the help, Billy. And Merry Christmas.

[Kyle walks away. Mikey is walking by]

Oh, what’s up, Mikey? Whoa, cool shoes man.

Mikey: Thanks. Hey Billy, how’s it going?

Billy: Run. Quit the show. You’re not safe.

[Kyle is peeking at Mikey from the corner]

Male voice: Merry Christmas from Max Schat, Don Jr, flustered customer and all your favorite Kyle Mooney characters.