Dionne Warwick Talk Show

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

Harry Styles… Timothée Chalamet

Chef… Andrew Dismukes

Billie Eilish… Melissa Villaseñor

Timothée Chalamet… Chloe Fineman

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with the show intro]

Male voice: She’s one of a kind. She speaks her mind. A Grammy winner and the queen of Twitter, it’s the Dionne Warwick Talk Show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. Thank you. Welcome to the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Maybe you know me from my music or maybe you have heard that I just discovered Twitter and these are actual tweets I tweeted out. [A tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “Hi, @chancetherapper, if you are very obviously a rapper, why did you put it in your stage name? I cannot stop thinking bout this.” Or this. [Another tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “How do send a tweet to @SnoopDogg? Did I do this correctly?” Thank you as always to my producer, my publicist and my niece, Britney.

[Cut to Britney]

Britney: Oh, hi. Happy to be here, Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Did Snoop Dogg reply?

Britney: Not yet.

Dionne Warwick: Dang. Alright. Okay. Now, for my standup monologue. [Dionne Warwick stands. There’s music playing.]

[singing] What do you get when you fall in love?
a guy with a pin that burst your bubble

Thank you. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest. Harry Styles.

[Harry Styles walks in]

Harry Styles: Ms. Warwick. You’re a legend. I can’t believe it. I’m such a massive fan.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. And who are you?

Harry Styles: I’m Harry Styles. I’m a singer. Sort of essential fashion man and you could say I do it for everyone. [winks at the camera]

Dionne Warwick: No, no. But where do I know you from?

Harry Styles: Maybe you know my song, “Watermelon Sugar.”

Dionne Warwick: What is watermelon sugar?

Harry Styles: Well, I think it’s just about summer but some people think it’s about oral sex.

Dionne Warwick: That’s nasty.

Harry Styles: But, on a woman.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, now I like your ass. I like you a lot. Alright. One last question, Harry Styles. Why is Windy Williams being a bitch to me? She started beefing and now she acting like she can’t finish.

Harry Styles: Oh. I’m sorry. I don’t know who Wendy Williams is.

Dionne Warwick: Oh. I knew I liked your ass. Okay. Alright. Thank you for joining us. That’s enough. Go away. Go away. [Harry Styles leaves] Alright. Go on. Britney, baby, it is exciting to be on TV.

Britney: Oh, yes. Just like when you were on Celebrity Apprentice.

Dionne Warwick: No, I wasn’t. I briefly worked for Donald Trump.

Britney: That was the show, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: I don’t remember it that way. Okay. Now for our cooking segment. [Dionne Warwick stands and walks to the kitchen side. There’s a chef there.]

[singing] Keep smiling, [Chef: Hi, Ms. Walwick] keep shining

[Chef: Today were–] you know you can always count on me
for sure

[Dionne Warwick picks up a dish and eats it.]

hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm

Oh, pretty good. Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her couch. The Chef is ignored.]

Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest. Ms. William Eyelash.

[Billie Eilish walks in]

Billie Eilish: Hi. Yeah, my name is actually Billie Eilish. I’m a singer.

[singing] I’m a bad type, making mama mad type
I’m a bad guy.

Dionne Warwick: Mm, that’s wonderful. So, Kesha–

Billie Eilish: No. I’m Billie Eilish.

Dionne Warwick: No, I know. So, why does Kesha have a dollar sign? And also Sia with the wig, she got a nose job or something.

Billie Eilish: Are you just going to keep asking me about other people?

Dionne Warwick: Yes. Now, Billie Eilish, you’re spooky. Can you put a hex on Windy Williams for me?

Billie Eilish: I could try.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Thanks for coming.

[Billie Eilish leaves]

Okay. Our next guest has been making all my assistants blush. Timothée Chalamet.

[Timothée Chalamet walks in]

Timothée Chalamet: Oh, man. This is crazy. This is so cool.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. You seem young.

Timothée Chalamet: [laughing] Na. Na. Na. Na. [laughing] I guess.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, young man. That’s enough now. Help me with my phone. It is locked and I’m trying to send a clap back at Windy Williams. I just want to clap back.

Timothée Chalamet: Yes, yes.

[Timothée Chalamet takes the phone from Dionne Warwick and gives her his fist for a fist bump.]

Dionne Warwick: No, I don’t want to fist bump. Okay. You can take that back stage buddy. Alright, now.

[Timothée Chalamet walks out.]

Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Alright, next guest. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Ae-yo. Wad up?

Dionne Warwick: No. That man is here to kill us.

Britney: No. It’s just his name, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: No. I don’t want to chance it, baby. Get him out of here.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Whatever. Peace.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks out.]

Dionne Warwick: Phew! Much better. Alright. Okay, audience. We have come to the best part of the show. Everyone look under your chairs. Everyone gets a– [music starts]

[singing] Do you know the way to San Jose?

[The audience are looking under their chairs.]

Audience: There is nothing there.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. I don’t owe you anything. Thank you for watching the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Snoop, call me, baby!

December to Remember Car Commercial

Nathan… Beck Bennett

Cathy… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Timothée Chalamet

Mike… Mikey Day

[Starts with a father, mother and their son sitting near their Christmas decoration.]

Nathan: Yes, it’ll fit perfectly. Hey, Matt, I think there might be one more gift for your mom right there.

[Matt brings the gift box for Cathy.]

Female voice: It hasn’t been a normal year. So this Christmas, get her something extra ordinary during the Lexux December to Remember sale event.

[There’s a Lexus car key inside the box.]

Cathy: Nathan, you didn’t.

Nathan: With flexible financing and 0% APR, there has never been a better time to buy or lease a new Lexus.

[Nathan runs outside. There’s a very nice car there.]

Matt: Wow!

Nathan: Merry Christmas, baby.

Cathy: [angry] Are you fucking kidding me Nathan? Did you seriously buy a car without asking me?

Nathan: Well, because for Christmas.

Cathy: This is a major purchase.

Nathan: Right. But it was a December to remember.

Cathy: It’s a Lexus. We don’t have the money for this, Nathan.

Matt: We don’t?

Cathy: No, we don’t. Your father doesn’t– Your father hasn’t worked since last March.

Matt: What?

Nathan: Yeah. Covid has hit a lot of people hard and I’m no exception.

Cathy: Nathan, you got fired in March 2019. Covid had nothing to do with it.

Nathan: Hey pal. I guess your old man’s busted.

[Cut to Lexus car commercial]

Female voice: It’s beginning to look a lot like savings. So, get to your local Lexus dealer today.

Cathy: How much did you spend on this ridiculous car, Nathan?

Nathan: It was only 3999 to it’s signing. Four grand. It’s not that much, babe.

Cathy: And how much is the monthly payment?

Nathan: The what?

Cathy: Did you think this entire car cost $4000?

Nathan: Uh-huh.

Cathy: There’s a monthly payment.

Nathan: Yes. With 0% apur. I think it’s all good.

Cathy: Apur? Do you mean APR?

Nathan: I’m pretty sure it’s apur.

Matt: Wow. Just, wow.

Nathan: Hey, come on. It’s Christmas. This is good. I did a good thing for us. [takes a can of beer out of his pocket] Let’s enjoy it. [drinks the beer]

Matt: Dad, it’s nine in the morning.

Nathan: So? It’s not like I have work later. Ha-ha. Come on!

[a neighbor walks to them.]

Mike: Hey.

Nathan: Hey, neighbor.

Mike: You bought a Lexus? You come to me three weeks ago, “Oh, Mike, help me. I need money. I can’t buy Christmas gifts for my family. My wife doesn’t respect me.”

Nathan: I didn’t say that.

Mike: My wife’s cheating on me with everyone.

Matt: Mom, you are? [Cathy just looks away]

Mike: I want to look cool in front of my son’s girlfriend.

Matt: Ew, dad! Is that why you pierced your ear?

Nathan: No, I’ve had this forever. [his piercing is fresh and bleeding]

Mike: I just need five grand to get back on my feet. And then you buy a Lexus?

Nathan: Yes. Well, it was beginning to look a lot like savings at my Lexus dealer.

Mike: I want my money back, man. Tomorrow! [looks at Cathy] Hey, Cathy. [Cathy waves at him with flirty looks]

Nathan: What is that look?

Cathy: You know what? We’re taking this car back to the dealership now.

Matt: I better drive.

Nathan: Maybe we stop by Jenna’s on the way over. She this cool car your dad got. Hah?

Cathy: Shut up.

Female voice: Give the gift of Lexus. And definitely, talk it over first.

Coronavirus Holiday

Rony… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Andrew Dismukes

Oral… Bowen Yang

Genital… Chloe Fineman

Spike… Timothée Chalamet

Spanish Influenza… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now, a Rona family Christmas.

[Cut to Rona Family. They’re humand with corona like crown spikes on their heads.]

Rony: I can’t believe 2020 is almost over. I’m gonna miss it.

Cecily: I know. We’ve been traveling non-stop all year. China, Italy, New York, Florida. How great is Florida?

Rony: Oh, so great. I just wish we had a break for more holiday parties. I mean, how many can the White House throw?

[doorbell ringing]

Cecily: Oh! Oh-oh! I think I know who that is.

[Cecily opens the door. Daughter walks in.]

Hey, my baby girl’s home.

Daughter: Hi, mom.

Cecily: How was your first semester at college?

Daughter: Oh, it was incredible. It took out like, a whole dorm.

Cecily: Oh. We are so proud of you, honey.

Rony: Our little girl’s a super spreader.

Daughter: Oh. And I wanted you guys to meet this guy I’ve started mutating with.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hi.

Daughter: Not to put him on the spot, but we did meet on the contact tracing app.

Andrew: Yes. I swabbed her right.

Daughter: Yes, and he’s kind of famous.

Andrew: Oh well, I guess a little.

Daughter: Oh, come on. Tell them.

Andrew: Alright. It’s not big deal. I was the one who infected Hanks.

Cecily: Tom Hanks?

Rony: Wow! That was basically the Super Bowl of infections. What do you do next?

Andrew: I’m going to Disney World.

All: Laughing.

Rony: Hey! This one’s a keeper.

[doorbell ringing]

Cecily: Wait. Now, who is that?

[A couple walks in]

Couple: Hi.

Oral: It’s your neighbors. We just wanted to pop out of nowhere and say hello.

Cecily: Well, this is a surprise. Honey, have you met the herpes?

Daughter: I haven’t, actually. Even though, statistically, I probably should have.

Oral: I’m Oral and this is my wife Genital.

Genital: Please call me Jen.

[Spike walks in. Villain’s music is playing.]

Spike: Hey! What’s the matter? Aren’t you going to introduce them to your other child?

Rony: Wow, look who’s awake before it’s 6PM, just in time to start drinking.

Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Am I a little disinfected? At least I’m not a hoax like rest of this family.

Genital: Sorry, maybe now is not a good time.

Oral: Yes. It’s like, the herpes always show up when you’re stressed out.

Cecily: I’m sorry.

Genital: No, no. It’s fine. We’ll come back.

Oral: We always do.

[Oral and Genital leave]

Cecily: Well, that was incredibly rude.

Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Are my proteins not perfect like my little sis? Back from her first semester of the University of Phoenix in person?

Rony: We gave you every opportunity. We paid to send you to New Zealand and now look, zero cases. People are going to concerts there. It’s a disgrace.

Cecily: Think of your poor grandmother, Spanish Influenza.

[Spanish Influenza is there knitting a sweater]

Spanish Influenza: Come on! Give me a kiss, I’ll kill you.

Cecily: Now, she infected the whole world and that was before airplanes.

Spanish Influenza: Ai. Uno Ve Sito. I kill everyone.

Rony: If you don’t start infecting again, your career’s over. You’re gonna end up like those washed up viruses on “Dancing With the SARS”.

Cecily: Maybe you’d feel better if you dined indoors more.

Spike: Hey! I’m just following Cuomo’s ‘Stay at home’ order.

Rony: You do not mention Cuomo in this household.

Spike: Why not? A lot of people say he’s the only real leader in this country right now.

Rony: You know damn well that President Trump is the only one looking out for us. We wouldn’t still be here without Trump.

Cecily: And Trump introduced us to everyone he knows. Even after he was infected. Now that’s the class act.

Daughter: Guys. Do we really need to talk politics right now?

Rony: Your brother is living in the clouds when he should be living on surfaces.

Spike: Oh yeah? Well I heard you’re not even deadlier than the regular flu.

Cecily: Spike! You take that back!

Rony: No, no. Let the big man talk. You think you’re big enough to hit your old man?

Daughter: Dad, stop.

Spike: Are you even my dad? Maybe mom just landed on a lung cell and replicated.

Rony: Sometimes I wish you weren’t my son.

Spike: Oh yeah? Well it must be Christmas because your wish just came true. I’m getting the vaccine.

[Everyone’s shocked] Rony: You wouldn’t.

Spike: Watch me. Pretty soon, I’ll have the antibodies.

Rony: He’s joining the radical ANTIBO.

Cecily: Why are you doing this to us?

Spike: Because mom, you never had time for me. You never went to a single one of my NFL games. Dad’s been so focused on the second wave, he can’t even hear his first born son crying out for help.

Cecily: Rony, say something.

Rony: You’re a great virus, son. Your laughter has always been so infectious and you gave those tigers at the Bronx zoo covid, remember? I don’t know how the hell you pulled that off.

Spike: I snuck in their butts.

Rony: I know I don’t say this enough, but I’m proud of you.

Cecily: We all, we have so much to be grateful for this Christmas. To think at this time last year, we were just a glimmer in the eye of a sick bat. I know the odds are stacked against us, but maybe 2021 will be even better.

Daughter: And we were going to wait to tell you this, but we are engaged.

Andrew: Yeah. And we’re moving in to Rudy Giuliani.

All: Yay! [celebrating]

Za

Heidi Gardner

Mr. Reynolds… Pete Davidson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

James Franco

Delivery boy… Chris Redd

[Starts with Heidi asking questions to Mr. Reynolds in the court]

Heidi: Would you remind the jury again of the make and model of your car?

Mr. Reynolds: Um, yes. I drive a 93, Toyota Corolla.

Heidi: Which witnesses say was never at the scene of the crime. Thank you. No further questions you honor.

Judge: Alright. Very well.

James: Your honor, the prosecution would like to cross examine the witness.

Judge: Well, the floor is your’s, counselor.

James: Mr. Reynolds, would you please remind me one more time about your whereabouts on the night in question.

Mr. Reynolds: Sure. Like I already said, I was at Venny’s having two slices of Za.

James: Ah! That’s what I thought you said. Well, I find that really interesting because I happen to have a menu from Venny’s pizza pizzaria right here. Let’s see if we can find ourselves a couple of slices of Za. [James looks at the menu he has brought] Cheese pizza. Pepperoni pizza. Ham and pineapple pizza. And that’s all she wrote, your honor. I rest my case.

Judge: Counselors, approach the bench.

[Heidi and James walk to Judge]

What the hell is going on?

James: I caught him in a lie. He said he was having Za. But there was no la-ZA-nia (lasagna) on the menu.

Judge: Excuse me?

James: He said he was having Za. But the menu I just read had no la-ZA-nia on it.

Heidi: You now Za is slang for pizza, right?

James: False. It’s lasagna.

Heidi: Your honor. Clearly, my colleague is confused.

James: You don’t make nicknames based on how things are spelled. You make them on how they sound.

Heidi: Even if that was the case, it doesn’t apply here.

James: Your honor, may I elaborate?

Judge: I’ll allow it. But I hope you’re going somewhere with this, counselor. For your sake.

James: It’s la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. See? la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Sa, pizza. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. la-Za-nia. Za. Pizza. Sa. Mr. Williams, what were you eating?

Heidi: I object.

Judge: Overruled. Mr. Williams. Please answer the question.

Mr. Reynolds: Za.

James: Ah! When the young man says he was having Za, he is speaking of lasagna.

Heidi: This is preposterous.

James: It’s not preposterous. [James pulls out a huge board where he has explained the pronunciation of lasagna and pizza.] Look! It’s pizza. Suh. Lasagna. Za. Lasagna. Pizza. Suh.  Lasagna. Za. Za. That’s in lasagna. Not pizza. Because that would be “Suh.” Pizza.

Judge: Counselor, you are playing a dangerous game.

James: [yelling] Your honor, two girls are dead. [throws the board away aggressively] And I’ve pinned killer. This young man, Mr. Za, lasagna, za-nia, za, za, za. Pizza. Suh. Suh, your honor.

Heidi: Your honor. It is pizza, suh. And it is lasagna, za-nia, za. But that has nothing to do with this case.

[a pizza delivery guy enters the court]

Delivery boy: Excuse me. Excuse me. I got a large ‘Suh’ here for Mr. Williams. That’s one large ‘Suh!’

Mr. Reynolds: Oh, right here, dude.

[the crowd goes “Ahh!”]

James: There it is!

Mr. Reynolds: Alright. I admit it. I ordered the ‘Suh’.

James: I knew it. Lasagna, za. Your honor, I re-rest my case.

Judge: Well, in light of these developments, I have found the defendant guilty.

James: And I guess I don’t need this picture of you at the scene of the crime. [James shows a picture of Mr. Reynolds committing the crime]

Heidi: Okay. You had that the whole time?

James: Yeah. I needed some real evidence. I can’t really bank on that Za thing.

Weekend Update_ Cathy Anne on Al Franken

Michael Che

Cathy Anne… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Catny Anne in his set]

Michael Che: Sexual harassment allegations continue to rock congress with more expected to come. Here to talk about this is a woman who is always screaming outside my window, Cathy Anne.

[Catny Anne slides in] [cheers and applause]

Catny Anne: Hey. Hey. Michael Che. Whoo! Today must be my lucky day.

Michael Che: Oh, yeah? And why is that, Cathy Anne?

Catny Anne: Coz I get to see you and I just came back from the dead.

Michael Che: What? You were actually dead?

Catny Anne: Yeah. Yeah. For 18 minutes. And then I came back for five and dead again for another 21. I met Dirts Michael. He told me to “Please leave him alone.”

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you’re okay now. So, what do you think about Al Franken resignation?

Catny Anne: You know what? I’m not sure what to think, okay? It’s a confusing time to be a woman. And a drug addict. And a very heavy drinker. It’s really hard coz I like Al Franco (Al Franken). You know? But I guess it’s true what they say. “Don’t meet your heroes.”  It’s kind of like when I met that Tacobell Chihuahua and he tried to bite me in my freaking vagina.

Michael Che: Wow!

Catny Anne: Oh! How is that a wow? Come on. Look. Look. I saw Al Franco’s speech, okay? Here’s what I do know. Why are you gonna resign if you ain’t gonna apologize? And if you ain’t got nothing to apologize for, then why the hell are you resigning? Okay? I didn’t resign from Waffle house coz I wasn’t stealing syrup. You know what I’m saying?

Michael Che: Well, I think he resigned coz the democrats wanted to show that they are a party that takes a stand against sexual harassment.

Catny Anne: Who they trying to show? What? The voters in Alabama? Right! Yeah! Coz if everyone in Alabama just been on the edge of their seats. Wondering what Christian Jellybeans is gonna do about Al Franco.

Michael Che: You seem to know a lot about this stuff.

Catny Anne: Well, I’m kind of a political junkie. And a regular junkie. Right? The point is, the voters in Alabama don’t give a flying foot about Al Franco.

Michael Che: A flying foot?

Catny Anne: Um, you know, when you step in a bear trap and you try to shake it off too hard and your foot goes flying.

Michael Che: Nah, I don’t know about that.

Catny Anne: Oh, well, aren’t you fancy?

Michael Che: Well, Doug Jones seems close to Roy Moore on the polls.

Catny Anne: Oh, oh! Is he doing okay in the polls? Is he? Come on! People lie. Come one! Who wants to admit supporting Roy Moore to a stranger calling him on the phone? Oh, what? Who? Me? Yeah, I’m gonna support paedophile who likes slavery. Come on! That will be like if you call me and you ask, “Hey, Cathy Anne, are you planning on smoking crack again?” And I’ll be like, “How dare you? You have offended my censor-bility (sensibility).” Cut to me in that secret voting booth huffing on hot lot bob high as hell going “Doug, who?” Damn right, they’ll vote for Roy Moore. He gonna win in a land side and I’ll pretend like it just happened over night and I had nothing to do with it, right? Like, crop circles or clogged toilet.

Michael Che: Wait, Cathy Anne. Does this mean that you clogged my toilet again?

Catny Anne: Huh, Michael Che! You have offended my censor-bility.

Michael Che: Cathy Anne, everybody!

Catny Anne: [Catny Anne showing an engagement ring on her finger] No, Cathy Anne Che! Tell them eloped.

Michael Che: We eloped. We eloped.

Catny Anne: We’re married.

Weekend Update on Trump Recognizing Jerusalem as Israeli Capital

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, with all the complex issues facing America right now, president Trump decided to relax and solve the much simple problem, the middle east. Trump formally recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel this week and you’re not gonna believe this, but Jews and Muslims had different reactions. Trump basically made the response. He made the announcement and then he just flicked a cigarette and walked away in slow motion. [Picture changes to Donald Trump walking in front of explosions like in the action movies.] [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mahmoud Abbas]

Then Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas warned Trump in a phone call that the move would result in dangerous consequences. And it didn’t help. Trump ended the call by wishing Abbas Merry Christmas and asking for extra falafel.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Um, look. I don’t know why anybody would try to take sides on middle east conflict unless they’re actually from the middle east. It’s like watching the girlfriend’s parents’ fight. You’re just supposed to quietly nod and say, “Yeah, I hear you.” I don’t know nothing about the middle east. I have one Palestinian friend and every time I ask him about the middle east, he says, “Che, I’m Pakistani.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump giving speech at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After Trump slurred his speech on Wednesday, the White House announced that he would undergo a physical exam early next year and the results will be made public. Which sounds great. But I have to ask, will Dr. Muppet be doing it? [Picture changes to Harold Bernstein] Because if he is, someone’s gonna have to shake him out of his ludes coma first.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Also, I’m not really concerned about Trump getting a physical examination. I’m more concerned about some of the mental things that might be happening. Things that make him say things like this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Because these massive tax cuts, we’ll be rocket fuel– [Donald Trump turns around, shakes his head and finger] Little rocket man.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I’m no doctor, but then again, neither is this guy. [picture changes to Harold Bernstein] [Picture changes to United States Capitol]

Congress has passed a temporary extension that will prevent a government shutdown this weekend. So for now, a government shutdown is just when a woman tells a senator to pull his pants back up.

[audience laughing]

Then you’ll like this. Three members of congress resigned this week after allegations of sexual misconduct. And you know what that means. Time to open three more doors on our sexual harassment themed Advent Calendar.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Al Franken at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Al Franken announces resignation this week in the wake of sexual harassment allegations. And yet, [Picture of a newspaper article that says “Moore ahead by 4 points”] uncle bad touch is up 4 points in Alabama. You see, the democrats hold themselves to a highest standard than anyone else. Which is why they always lose. It’s the same reason that Harvard football team sucks, because you also got to be a rocket scientist to play there. But to play for Alabama, you just got to be able to spell ‘Bama’. Democrats hope by forcing out Franken to step down, they will paint themselves as the party of the moral high ground. Calm down, democrats. You’re still politicians. You’re the party of the morality the same way Don Jr. is the handsome Trump brother. Nobody actually likes you. Nobody likes democrats. Nobody’s at a party like, “Yo, you know who I wish was here? Nancy Pelosi. She’s dope.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Roy Moore at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Trump also endorsed Roy Moore this week saying “Go get ’em Roy!” Come on, man! When you’re endorsing an accused child molest, you can’t say “Go get ’em.” This isn’t paedophile pokemon. And if it is, we should probably keep an eye on Squirtle. By the way, “Go get ’em, Roy!” is also what Roy Moore whispers to himself right before he walks into a Hot Topic. [Picture changes to Hot Topic store.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roy Moore at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Alabama– [laughter] Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore responded to critics by tweeting “I think they’re afraid I’m going to take Alabama values to Washington.” No. We’re afraid you’re gonna take your values to Washington. Why do people always want to blame their terrible behavior on where they’re from? Like, when a guy whips out his junk on a subway and screams, “Only in New York, baby!” We do not do that, man!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Duetsche Bank logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that the Mueller investigation has subpoenaed Duetsche Bank requesting information about president Trump and his family’s finances. And they’ve also subpoenaed the bank Eric uses. [Picture changes to a piggy bank] [Picture changes to Donald trump and a nine handle candlestand.]

According to a report, president Trump did not invite any democrats to the White House Hanukkah party on Thursday, which is like not inviting any gay people to the Tony awards. It’s not really a good look when the most Jewish person at you Hanukkah party is Ivanka Trump. [Picture changes to Ivanka Trump]

Visit With Santa Cold Open

Elf… kate McKinnon

Santa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Santa ready to meet the children at Macy’s. Elf is wearing elf dress. Santa is sitting on a chair.]

Elf: Okay, kids. Santa’s back from his lunch break. He’s back from up at the north pole, a.k.a., Panda Express.

Santa: Ha-ha. That’s right, and he’s ready to hear you Christmas wishes. Ho-ho-ho.

Elf: Hey, [to a kid] what about you? My little boy. Are you ready to talk to Santa?

[The boy walks to Santa and sits on his lap]

Tyler: Yeah.

Santa: Alright. Well, get on up here, young man. What’s your name?

Tyler: Tyler.

Santa: And Tyler, what would you like for Santa to bring you this year?

Tyler: Could I get a mega-blocks dinosaur?

Santa: Well, I think that can be arranged.

Tyler: And, could I get laser tag?

Santa: Well, I can certainly try.

Tyler: And, can you tell me what did Al Franken do?

Santa: Okay, wow. Let’s see. Um, I think I can handle the mega-blocks and the laser tag. [to Elf] Can you take the Al Franken thing?

Elf: No. And, in this climate, can you just call me Amy?

Santa: Absolutely. Okay, well, Tyler, I guess you could say that Al Franken is on Santa’s naughty list this year.

Tyler: And what about Roy Moore? Which list is he on?

Elf: It’s not really a list. It’s more of a registry.

Santa: Okay, you know what? We should keep this line moving along. Okay. Ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas, Tyler. Okay, who’s up next?

[The boy leaves. Elf calls a girl.]

Jessica: Hi, Santa. I’m Jessica.

Santa: Merry Christmas, Jessica. What would you like from Santa?

Jessica: I wanted to follow up on Tyler’s question. Is president Trump on the naughty list?

Santa: Well, you know, Santa tries to stay out of political matters. Our president may have said or done a few naughty things.

Elf: 19 accusers. Google it.

Santa: [to Elf] Okay. Can we not? Can we just not? Amy? Thanks. [to the girl] Look, Jessica, I’m sure we can all learn a lesson from what’s going on in the news.

Jessica: We sure can. I learned that if you admit that you did something wrong, you get in trouble. But if you deny it, they let you keep your job.

Santa: Well, okay. Careful there, Jessica. Or you might get some coal in your stocking.

Jessica: From where? We both know coal is a dying industry.

Santa: Okay, thank you very much. Merry Christmas.

[The girl walks away. Another boy comes in.]

Okay. Hello.

Billy: Hi, Santa. My name is Billy and I want a football.

Santa: Well, you got it, Billy.

Billy: I love football. Why did the players kneel during the national anthem? Do they hate the troops?

Santa: No! They’re just kneeling because they’re tired.

Billy: From all the brain injuries?

Santa: You know what? Sure. Let’s just go with that. Somehow that’s the happier version. Alright, Merry Christmas, Billy.

Billy: Go Brogo.

Santa: Yeah. Right. to the hospital. Alright.

[The boy walks out. Another girl walks in]

Hello.

Girl: Hi, Santa. I already asked my dad for an American Girl doll.

Santa: Well, that sounds like fun.

Girl: But my dad says he can’t afford any presents until the tax cut trickles down from the wealthiest 1%.

Santa: Well, you know, that’s economics. Santa didn’t study economics. He studies musical theater which is perhaps why he’s working as a Santa at this mall right now.

Girl: And I heard the new tax bill add $1 trillion to the national debt. Is that naughty?

Santa: Well, you know, I’m sure they’re just trying to make things friendlier for businesses.

Elf: Actually, Santa, thanks to that much needed tax cut, [pointing at the girl] this little ray of sunshine will be forking over her social security checks to the Chinese. And if she thinks she’s getting medicare, ooh! She is out of her little mind.

Girl: Wow! Classic response.

Santa: Oh, you know what? Thank you.

Elf: Thank you for coming.

Santa: Thank you very much. Okay. Next.

Elf: And now, you.

[The girl walks out. Another girl walks in.]

Santa: Oh, how about you. Aren’t you cute? What do you want for Christmas?

Girl: Hi, Santa. I want a barbie. Unless they’re gonna take them away from me too.

Santa: Okay, barbie. You got it. Let’s go. See you later. And kids, just to reminder to keep your wishes light and Christmasy and not political.

[The girl walks out. Another boy walks in.]

Okay? Alright.

Boy: That’s good. Coz I hate politics.

Santa: Ah! Thank the lord.

Boy: Instead. I wanna talk about opioids.

Santa: No! You’re done. Thank you very much. Next!

[The boy walks out. Another girl walks in.]

Alright, hello. Aren’t you cute? What would you like for Christmas?

Girl: An embassy that is still in Tel Aviv.

Santa: How do you know about Tel Aviv? Thank you very much. You’re done. Next.

[The girl walks away. Another boy walks in]

Ay, what about you? Maybe you like a toy from Santa?

Boy: Oh, you mean toy like the one that Lauer gave to his coworker?

Santa: Okay. Um, you know what? Ear muff. Ear muff. [The boy closes his years] [to Elf] Where the hell did they get these kids from? I’d never thought I’d say this, but I think our public schools are too good. Okay, ear muffs off. [to boy] I’m getting you an Xbox. Merry Christmas.

Boy: Xbox? Awesome! More factory jobs for Chinese kids.

Santa: Whoa! Okay. Alright! You know what? I think Santa might need another break. This one might involve a cigarette.

[A girl walks to Santa]

Jenny: Sanga?

Santa: Oh, yes little girl. What’s your name?

Jenny: Jenny. And Santa, I don’t want any gifts this year. I just want everything to be okay.

Elf: Oh, my goodness. Okay, Jenny. Listen to me. I know that things seem particularly insane right now. Like, truly mind bendingly insane. And we seem to have lost all perspective on what’s naughty or nice.

Jenny: I know. I’ve seen FOX News.

Elf: Oh, there you go. But, as bad as things might seem, I promise you Jenny, it will be okay. Okay? Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for another three years, 42 days and 24 minutes, Jenny. But most people in America are good people. And eventually, good people will fix our country.

Jenny: Okay. Good. But just in case, I’m putting all my money in Bitcoin.

Santa: Oh, yes. That’s the spirit. Now, do you remember what Santa always says?

Jenny: Yes.

Santa: Do you wanna say it with me?

Jenny: Okay.

All: Merry Christmas. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Spelling Bee

Emily Steel… Kate McKinnon

Todd Saint Lucian… Alex Moffat

Kevin Black… James Franco

Tania… Melissa Villaseñor

Johnathan… Luke Null

Kinson… Chris Redd

David… Pete Davidson

Emily: You’re listening to 91.7, Iowa city radio. We’re here broadcasting live from the Hancher Auditorium for the 2017 Iowa city all district spelling bee. I’m your host Emily Steel.

Todd: And I am still you color commentator, Todd Saint Lucian.

Emily: Todd, what do you make of the bee so far?

Todd: Emily, let me tell ya’, some of the words these kids have been spelling are absolutely magnificent.

Emily: Ooh! Ha-ha. Nice word, Todd.

Todd: Thanks. Just don’t ask me to spell it. [laughing]

Emily: Seriously? Alright. Well, the second round is just about to start. So, why don’t we join the action?

[Cut to the spelling contest]

Kevin: Congratulations to all of you for making it this far. My name is Kevin Black. And I’ll be moderating this round. Well, the first contestant, please step forward.

[Tania walks to the mic]

Emily: And first to the mic is 8th grader, Tania Clark. She breeze through round one. Let’s see how she does the second time around.

Kevin: Your word is ‘Berate.’

Tania: Could you use it in a sentence?

Kevin: Berate. I’m dead inside because my stepfather used to berate me with insults and emasculate me with feminine nicknames. Berate.

Tania: Could I get the definition please?

Kevin: Berate. To use insults in feminine nicknames such as ‘stupid Suzie tampon princess’ to emasculate your stepson and make him dead inside. Berate.

Tania: Um, okay. Berate. B-E-R-A-T-E. Berate.

[right answer bell]

Kevin: Congratulations. That is correct.

[Cut to Emily and Todd]

Emily: Well, that was insane.

Todd: I know. Six letters. That’s a lot.

Emily: Do you know how to spell, Todd?

Todd: Ha-ha-ha. Let’s get back to the action.

[Cut to the spelling contest. Johnathan is on the mic.]

Todd: 14 year old, Johnathan Winslow.

Kevin: Your word is ‘Chagrin.’

Johnathan: Could you use it in a sentence please?

Kevin: Chagrin. My step father, Kevin, told the entire lacrosse team that I hadn’t yet developed pubic hair much to my Chagrin.

Johnathan: Could I get a definition, please?

Kevin: Chagrin. The feeling of shame that results from your stepfather, Kevin, telling the entire lacrosse team that you’re ‘Like a baby seal down there.’

Johnathan: Um, okay. Chagrin. C-H-A-G-R-I-N. Chagrin.

[right answer bell]

Kevin: That is correct.

[Cut to Emily and Todd]

Todd: Well, Emily, we’re two words into round two. Any thoughts so far?

Emily: Well, Todd, so far it’s been depraved.

Todd: Ha-ha-ha. Sounds more like a round three word.

[Cut to the spelling contest. Kinson is on the mic.]

Uh, next stop is Kinson Clare. Let’s see what word he gets.

Kevin: Your word is ‘Urophiliac.’

Emily: Okay. So that’s a word for people who like getting peed on. So, um– [referee walks to Kevin and whispers on his ears] Yeah. Okay. Looks like the ref is getting involved.

[referee takes his flashcard away]

Kevin: Sorry for the delay. Apparently ‘Urophiliac’ is inappropriate word for Spelling Bee. But they’ve given me a replacement word instead. Your new word is ‘Adolescent.’

Kinson: Could you use it in a sentence?

Kevin: Adolescent. I used to be an adolescent. Now, as an adult, I’m a urophiliac. I derive sexual pleasure from being treated like a toilet. Adolescent.

Kinson: Can I get the definition please?

Kevin: Adolescent. What I was before I became an adult urophiliac. Meaning, I derive erotic pleasure from being treated like a toilet. Adolescent.

Kinson: Damn, man! Um, okay. Adolescent. A-D-O-L-E-S-C-E-N-T. Adolescent.

[right answer bell]

Kevin: Congratulations. You have spelled it correctly.

Kinson: You need help.

[Kinson walks out and David walks in]

Todd: And last stop is David Roberts.

David: Um, hey, man. Could I get like, a normal word?

Kevin: I’m just reading the cards.

David: Okay. Whatever, man.

Kevin: Your word is ‘Little Pig Boy.’

David: Oh. Could you use it in a sentence?

Kevin: Little pig boy. Mistress hates her little pig boy. I am her dirty little big boy. Please stand on me with your boots on. Little pig boy.

David: Could I get the definiton?

Kevin: Little pig boy. He’s that pathetic dirty bitch baby mistress gets to stand on. Little pig boy.

David: Um, country of origin?

Kevin: Little pig boy comes from the dirt. He’s a weasely little mud grub who needs to be stood on. Little pig boy.

David: Okay. Guess I’ll give it a shot. Um, little pig boy. L-I-T-T-L-E P-I-G B-O-Y. Little pig boy.

[right answer bell]

Kevin: That is correct.

[Cut to Emily and Todd. Emily looks shocked. Todd seems to have no idea.]

Todd: Well, that’s it for round two. Emily, how do you think it went?

Emily: Bad.

Todd: Well, at least the kids had fun.

Emily: They did not.

Todd: Okay. We’ll be right back.

Sexual Harassment Charlie

Glen… Beck Bennett

Jenny… Aidy Bryant

Amanda… Cecily Strong

Denice… Leslie Jones

Janet… Melissa Villaseñor

Doug… James Franco

Charlie… Kenan Thompson

Tommy… Mikey Day

[Starts with Glen talking to his employees]

Glen: Folks, can I get you to gather over here? Sorry to interrupt your lunch, everyone. I just want you all to be clear that here at Beta Corp, we have zero tolerance for workplace sexual harassment. And all offenders will be trminated.

[The employees applaud]

That being said, unfortunately, we had to fire our CFO Doug Giffer.

Jenny: Finally.

Amanda: Yeah. Good riddance.

Denice: Bastard!

Glen: And, also our front desk guy, Charlie.

Employees: Aww.

Janet: Not Charlie!

Glen: And if it’s okay, we’ve asked them to come out and formally apologize to all of you before they leave. Come on out here, guys.

[Doug and Charlie walk in]

Doug: [sigh] Thank you, Glen. I just want to say to all of you that I am deeply and truly sorry for anything inappropriate that I may have done while working here.

Charlie: Yeah. My bad.

Doug: Janet in particular. I know that I have playfully referred to you as my little honeybee. And it made you feel uncomfortable. And I know now, it was wrong. And I’m sorry.

Janet: It was gross. And you’re gross.

Charlie: [Charlie does not sound serious at all] Janet, I know that sometimes you would walk by me. And I’d be saying something like, “Umm, umm.” Then I’d shake my head, do a little dance, and ask you not to hurt nobody with that thing. It was wrong. I’m sorry.

Janet: [laughing] Charlie, you’re so crazy.

Amanda: Oh, that is classic Charlie.

[Doug is confused]

Doug: Um, okay. Um, Amanda, there was one time at a meeting recently where I commented on your dress and your figure and even though I mentioned it was a compliment, apparently, it was still inappropriate. So, for that, I’m sorry.

Amanda: Oh, apparently? Okay. Well, apparently, you still don’t get it. And that’s why they fired your creep ass.

[All the employees clap]

Charlie: Mandy, Mandy, sweeter than candy. I remember I said something about that dress too. I think it was a long lines of, “Umm, umm. Woman, you are thicker than a bowl of biscuit. Why don’t you make Charlie a pair with extra jelly?” Then I did a little dance. Told you not to hurt nobody with that thing. It wasn’t appropriate. That’s my bad.

Amanda: [laughing] Charlie, you are just too much.

Charlie: Oh, you know I ain’t got no sense.

Denice: [to Glen] You can’t fire Charlie. It’s just Charlie.

Glen: It was a corporate decision, Denice. My hands are tied.

Doug: Wait, um, Denice…

Denice: What, creep?

Doug: Look, I know that you didn’t like me suggesting to you that you get further ahead in this business if you smiled a little more, but it was just advice.

Denice: Well, it sucked and you suck.

Jenny: Ah! That is legit awful, Doug!

Doug: Okay. I know. That’s why I’m saying sorry now.

Charlie: Denice. You know, at one time, I think I may have suggested that if I was 11 years younger, I’d put you in a large sack, throw you in a truck, drive you to my sister Betty’s house with a big old medical bed, crack open all the window to show you a good old times for 28 minutes.

Denice: [laughing] I guess that’s my loss, Charlie.

Doug: How are you okay with that

Denice: Shut up, man! That’s just Charlie.

Amanda: Yeah. He’s a sweet old man.

Jenny: Glen, you can’t fire Charlie. It’s the holidays.

Glen: Believe me, I don’t want to. I wish I was just firing Doug too.

Doug: What?

Charlie: No, no, no. Don’t worry about me sweet sexy Jenny. Maybe I can get a job at Santa. Then I can sneak down your chimney, tie up your old man, crack open all the windows and give you a 28 minutes present. Umm, umm. Girl, don’t you hurt nobody with that thing!

Jenny: [laughing] Thank you, Charlie.

Doug: Thank you? He said he wants to break into your home, tie up your husband and crack open the window for some reason.

Charlie: That’s to getting the funk out.

Doug: Okay, and then, have sex with you.

Jenny: Okay, don’t make it gross, Doug!

Janet: Yeah. Why do you have to make everything sexual?

Amanda: He’s a sweet old man. What is your deal?

Doug: Well, it just feels like you guys are going easier on him coz he’s a charming old black man and he has done way worse stuff!

Tommy: But, he’s Charlie!

Doug: What does that mean?

Charlie: Look, maybe Doug is right. Tommy, you remember that time I met your fine ass wife at the office Christmas party?

Tommy: Of course, I do, Charlie.

Denice: I remember that.

Charlie: And I held her hand up and twirled her around and then I yelled out, “Ain’t no way lil’ bitty Tommy hitting this thing right.”

Tommy: Yes.

Charlie: And then, later on, I saw your junk at the urinal and it was a good stuff. So I went back out to the party and I yelled out, “I stand corrected. Homeboy Tommy is packing some heat!” And then everybody laughed.

Tommy: [smiling and nodding his head] Yeah.

Charlie: You think that’s why I’m getting fired?

Glen: Um, no. No. It’s not, Charlie. It actually has nothing to do with sexual harassment. The corporate says they have you on camera stealing $380 in petty cash. Plus, they found half a pound of cocaine in a bag of tiny balloons in your locker room.

Charlie: Oh, okay.

Glen: And you saved a ton of pornography into the lobby desktop in folder marked “Charlie’s stuff.”

Charlie: Oh! So you found that.

Glen: Yeah. And you signed out the company van, reported it was stolen and it was found three days later parked outside of a brother with your keys still in the ignition and your brother asleep in the front wheel.

Charlie: What? Claud was still in there?

Glen: Yeah. And your name’s not Charlie. It’s Ronald Washington. And you’re wanted in Pennsylvania for kidnapping.

Charlie: Oh! So it’s still kidnapping if I bring them back. Okay, that’s my bad. That’s my bad.

Scrudge

Scrudge… Beck Bennett

Michael… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Derek… Chris Redd

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

James Franco

[Starts with Scrudge reading a book in a dark room. He looks like a scary man in horror movies.] [door knocking]

Scrudge: Hey, go away! [door knocking] [Scrudge walks to the door and opens it. It’s Michael.]

Michael: Hey, man. Sorry to bother you. Um, we’re about to head over to this Christmas party.

Scrudge: [interrupting] Cool. Bye!

[Scrudge shuts the door]

Michael: [speaking from outside the door] I was just thinking if you don’t have any plans, you’re more than welcome to come. We don’t get to kick it that much anymore. It can be fun, you know?

Scrudge: Fine!

[Cut to Kevin and Derek all ready for the party. Michael walks in.]

Kevin: [to Michael] You ready?

Michael: Um, just a few more minutes. I think my roommate is coming with us.

Kevin: What?

Derek: Seriously? You invited Scrudge?

Michael: Come on. It’s Christmas. The guy doesn’t have any friends.

Derek: Yeah, because he’s a nightmare, man!

[Scrudge walks in wearing nice clothes and a hat.]

Scrudge: Wad up, players? Kevin, Derek, still really boring? Cool. Let’s get faded.

[Cut to the party. Anna opens the door.]

Michael: Hey! We come bearing gifts.

Scrudge: Anna, your place looks so inexpensive.

Anna: Thanks.

Scrudge: Oh! And ugly Christmas sweater. So brave of you to do something so played out.

[Scrudge is opening a bottle of liquor. He looks at a girl. The girl is waving at him.]

Oh, no! Katy’s here. We hooked up like, once. And now she won’t stop texting me. It’s like, “Hey.” “Hi.” “What are you doing?” “You know what I’m doing. I see you watching my Insta stories.” Argh! Another reason to get blacked out.

Michael: Just try not to be dick to everyone tonight, please?

Scrudge: Duh! Bumble Dog.

[Scrudge walks to the TV set]

Hey, Heather. Dope DVD collection. I can’t believe there are other Wes Anderson fans out there. [showing a DVD of the movie Life Aquatic.] Let me guess, you like the soundtracks too? Coz you and your friends suck?

[Scrudge is walking to the bathroom. Three men walk out of the bathroom.]

Oh, I see what’s going on here. [stops Mikey] Mind if I sneak like, just a little tini tiny key bump?

Mikey: Um, yeah. We don’t have much left coz–

[Mikey gives Scrudge a tiny packet of cocaine. Scrudge just takes it and goes inside the bathroom. Mikey is waiting for him to get out and give him his packet back. But Scrudge comes out and just walks by.]

Hey, dude! Can I get that bag back?

Scrudge: Dude, what? I gave it back to you.

Mikey: No, you didn’t.

Scrudge: Yeah, dude. I literally, like, just gave it back to you. Are you like, high dude?

[Scrudge walks away]

Mikey: What?

[Cut to the rooftop. James is smoking a cigarette. Scrudge walks to him.]

Scrudge: Hey, can I bum a cigarette?

[James looks at his packet]

James: I got one left.

[Scrudge takes that cigarette]

Scrudge: Oh, that’s all I need.

James: Hey, Scrudge, yo’re kind of an asshole.

Scrudge: Wow, everybody has been dying to know what the sad lonely roof guy thinks. And I get to hear it first? #winning #Tygablood. Ha-ha-ha. Fuck you, loser!

James: Why don’t you take a look downstairs. You might not be as cool as you think.

[Scrudge looks down to the party. He sees people making fun of him.]

Mikey: I’m Scrudge. I make everyone feel uncomfortable.

Anna: Is he like a thousand years old?

Kevin: [to Michael] You would know this, does he own a toothbrush?

Michael: He’s just my roommate. He’s not really my friend. I don’t even know how much longer I want to live with him.

Scrudge: [to himself in the rooftop] Michael?

James: [to Scrudge] It’s not too late, Scrudge.

Scrudge: [singing] What have I become?

[Scrudge looks at James. James gets wings and he flies away.] [Scrudge walks back to the party]

Everybody, please listen. I have something to say. [everybody look at him.] I’m sorry. I’ve been awful to each and everyone of you. But tonight, thanks to you, I’ve realized that the true meaning of Christmas is to spend time with those you love. Which is why, I shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry.

[Michael tries to stop Scrudge. But as Scrudge turns around, he is showing his butt off his pants to everyone.]

Truly, really sorry everyone.