Tag: Heidi Gardner

My Drunk Boyfriend

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Luke Null

Boyfriend Doll… Kyle Mooney

Girlfriend Doll… Heidi Gardner

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Aidy getting drinks at the bar. Cecily is waiting for her. Aidy walks back with two cocktails.]

Aidy: Whoo! I hope you’re having fun. I know it sucks Brad’s out of town.

Cecily: Yeah, you know. But it’s still nice to have some me time. Right?

[Beck walks to Aidy and hugs her]

Beck: There she is.

Aidy: Babe, stop.

[Beck is drunk]

Beck: What? I can’t help it. I love you so much. [Beck is walking a little backwards. She spills a stranger’s drink.]

Stranger: Watch it, guy.

Beck: Oh, you wanna fight me? Let’s get it, bro.

Aidy: Okay, that’s my cue. I gotta get him out of here.

[Aidy pulls Beck away]

Cecily: Okay. I’ll see you guys later.

Beck: You’ll never find a love like this.

Aidy: Okay. That’s enough.

[Cecily looks at Cecily and Beck walk away carefully]

Female voice: Wishing your man was here? He would be a handful. But wow, do you miss him. Now, you don’t have to. Introducing My Drunk Boyfriend. [Cut to Cecily receiving the box of doll delivered in her home] The only life sized doll guaranteed to make you feel like your man is right there with you. And he is hammered. [Cecily opens the box. There’s a real looking doll guy.] 150 pounds of dead weight. [Cecily is trying to take  the doll out, but she is falling with the doll.] And you get to be his babysitter. Designed to mimic the behavior of the sloppy grown man that you can’t get enough of. Programmed to say over 200 unique phrases.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I think I’m going to take piano lessons.

Female voice: It’s always a fun night with My Drunk Boyfriend.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] Cops. I want to watch Cops.

Female voice: You’ll love hearing about his big plans.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I’m gonna call my boss and quit.

Female voice: Or when he cries over a dead relative he never mentioned before.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk crying] My Uncle! [sobbing] My uncle!

Female voice: With My Drunk Boyfriend beside you, you’ll never miss out on a night of rolling him over when he snores. And oh no, watch out. My Drunk Boyfriend has a timer set to get up in the middle of the night and pee into your hamper.

Melissa: No. No. That’s the laundry.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I did good, right?

Female voice: Plus, with a new My Drunk Boyfriend expansion pack, you’ll get all sorts of accessories. Like, pants that don’t come all the way off. A charred frozen pizza that he brought into bed. A glass of water he will ignore. And just a one more beer. My Drunk Boyfriend. He’s a problem, but he’s your problem.

Male voice: From the makes of My Drunk Girlfriend.

[Cut to a female doll]

Girlfriend doll: [drunk voice] Are you mad at me?

Alex: Yeah. [smiling at camera] I’m mad at you.

Nativity Play

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Terry… Heidi Gardner

Carey… Cecily Strong

Wise men… Kyle Mooney, Mikey Day, Kevin Hart

Mary… Kate McKinnon

Joseph… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Aidy announcing on a stage]

Aidy: Hello and welcome to Rock Harbor’s annual Christmas eve service. In a few moments, Pastor Brandon will give another legendary Christmas sermon and it’s a crusher.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: [in loud voice] Oh, I hope it’s about Christmas.

Leslie: Stop.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Cut first, our team ministry will present it’s annual Nativity play. Now, I know that the whole town has been buzzing since we promised that there would be a live camel in our show. But it turns out camels are a bit costly. So, the role of the wise men’s camel will be played by a lhama with a beanbag hump. And the llama’s handler has a brief announcement.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: Hi, folks. Hi, I’m Terry from Mayfair Llama Ranch. The Llama’s roddy right now which means it’s mating season. And basically males get territorial and aggressive. So, I’ve given the wise men the protective wear.

Aidy: Right.

Terry: I also gave them lettuce for treats.

Aidy: Great!

Terry: Oh. And you may hear the term “Jaahi”, that’s a command which basically means, “Easy boy.” Thank you.

[Terry leaves]

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’m sure you won’t notice any of that. Now, I’d like to welcome our narrator Carey who is our lead teen minister to the stage.

[Carey walks in. Aidy walks out.]

Carey: The Nativity. [speaking in hurry] We take you now to the desert of Judah where three wise men followed the north star of Bethlehem.

[Carey walks out]

[The stage curtain opens. There are three wise men with a llama. The actors are scared of the llama.]

Kyle: God has told us to travel to Bethlehem to greet the arrival of king of kings. [llama moves] Jaahi. Sorry, I thought he was going to kick me again. Jaahi. We shall travel there on this majestic camel.

Mikey: Jaahi. Um, I shall brush our camel’s coat [Mikey has a brush in his one hand. But he is scared to go near llama] so it’s worthy of being seen by the son of god. Jaahi. Jaahi. [Mikey touches llama with a brush and runs away.]

Kevin: Jaahi! Jaahi! Yo, Jaahi, yo! Jaahi. Jaahi. [Kevin is holding the lease rope to the llama] Ay, can somebody else hold the rope. Jaahi. Um, we will present these gifts to the young king. [llama moves a little] Jaahi! Jaahi! The llama ate those props so we don’t have– Jaahi. Come on, man.

Kyle: Let us calm our camel and begin the journey. We’re not gonna do it coz llama won’t let us.

[the llama moves]

Kyle, Mikey and Kevin: Jaahi! No. Jaahi.

[The curtain closes]

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t like that narrator girl.

Kenan: That’s your criticism? Not the llama stuff?

[Cut to Terry whispering in Aidy’s ear]

Aidy: Okay. Okay. Right. I see. Thank you. Um, so, Terry has informed me that in the next major scene, our wise men will be holding up a blanket. Okay? To block an area of the llama’s body that had become inappropriate. Okay. Thank you.

[Cut to Carey standing before the curtain.]

Carey: We take you now to Bethlehem where the wise men reach the major.

[Carey walks out. The curtain opens. There are three wise men and a llama. Kyle and Mikey are covering llama’s genitals with a blanket.

Mikey: Oh my god, that’s insane.

Kyle: Dude, llama!

Kevin: Low, a manger, inside Joseph and his wife, Mary, who birthed the new boy and king. Yo, I’m sorry, everybody, but the llama man’s horny right now. Yo.

[Mary walks in]

Mary: Oh, glorious miracle. Born into a virgin, the son of god. [Mary carries a toy baby. The goy baby has no head.] Okay, the llama ate some of the baby. What say you? Dear Joseph? Bryan, it’s your line.

[Joseph is looking at llama’s genitals]

Joseph: Wo-ho-ho-ho. Oh! Um, the child is surely a son of god.

[Joseph goes back to looking at llama’s genitals]

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t blame him. I won’t lie. I’m curious.

[Cut to the stage]

Kevin: Yo, man. He’s making noises. I’m not holding no more. [Kevin throws away the lease rope] Y’all got to do that.

Mikey: Yeah. We out of here. We out of here.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan: Hey, boys. Don’t drop that blanket. Oh! And there it is.

[Leslie stands happily and starts clapping]

Leslie: Good for you, llama.

[Cut to the stage. The curtain closes. Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Okie, dokie. That concludes our Nativity program. There’s more but you guys know the story, right? Thank you. And I am so sorry.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: And we’ll be sticking around after the service if anybody would like a picture with the llama.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, I’mma be there.

Za

Heidi Gardner

Mr. Reynolds… Pete Davidson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

James Franco

Delivery boy… Chris Redd

[Starts with Heidi asking questions to Mr. Reynolds in the court]

Heidi: Would you remind the jury again of the make and model of your car?

Mr. Reynolds: Um, yes. I drive a 93, Toyota Corolla.

Heidi: Which witnesses say was never at the scene of the crime. Thank you. No further questions you honor.

Judge: Alright. Very well.

James: Your honor, the prosecution would like to cross examine the witness.

Judge: Well, the floor is your’s, counselor.

James: Mr. Reynolds, would you please remind me one more time about your whereabouts on the night in question.

Mr. Reynolds: Sure. Like I already said, I was at Venny’s having two slices of Za.

James: Ah! That’s what I thought you said. Well, I find that really interesting because I happen to have a menu from Venny’s pizza pizzaria right here. Let’s see if we can find ourselves a couple of slices of Za. [James looks at the menu he has brought] Cheese pizza. Pepperoni pizza. Ham and pineapple pizza. And that’s all she wrote, your honor. I rest my case.

Judge: Counselors, approach the bench.

[Heidi and James walk to Judge]

What the hell is going on?

James: I caught him in a lie. He said he was having Za. But there was no la-ZA-nia (lasagna) on the menu.

Judge: Excuse me?

James: He said he was having Za. But the menu I just read had no la-ZA-nia on it.

Heidi: You now Za is slang for pizza, right?

James: False. It’s lasagna.

Heidi: Your honor. Clearly, my colleague is confused.

James: You don’t make nicknames based on how things are spelled. You make them on how they sound.

Heidi: Even if that was the case, it doesn’t apply here.

James: Your honor, may I elaborate?

Judge: I’ll allow it. But I hope you’re going somewhere with this, counselor. For your sake.

James: It’s la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. See? la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Sa, pizza. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. la-Za-nia. Za. Pizza. Sa. Mr. Williams, what were you eating?

Heidi: I object.

Judge: Overruled. Mr. Williams. Please answer the question.

Mr. Reynolds: Za.

James: Ah! When the young man says he was having Za, he is speaking of lasagna.

Heidi: This is preposterous.

James: It’s not preposterous. [James pulls out a huge board where he has explained the pronunciation of lasagna and pizza.] Look! It’s pizza. Suh. Lasagna. Za. Lasagna. Pizza. Suh.  Lasagna. Za. Za. That’s in lasagna. Not pizza. Because that would be “Suh.” Pizza.

Judge: Counselor, you are playing a dangerous game.

James: [yelling] Your honor, two girls are dead. [throws the board away aggressively] And I’ve pinned killer. This young man, Mr. Za, lasagna, za-nia, za, za, za. Pizza. Suh. Suh, your honor.

Heidi: Your honor. It is pizza, suh. And it is lasagna, za-nia, za. But that has nothing to do with this case.

[a pizza delivery guy enters the court]

Delivery boy: Excuse me. Excuse me. I got a large ‘Suh’ here for Mr. Williams. That’s one large ‘Suh!’

Mr. Reynolds: Oh, right here, dude.

[the crowd goes “Ahh!”]

James: There it is!

Mr. Reynolds: Alright. I admit it. I ordered the ‘Suh’.

James: I knew it. Lasagna, za. Your honor, I re-rest my case.

Judge: Well, in light of these developments, I have found the defendant guilty.

James: And I guess I don’t need this picture of you at the scene of the crime. [James shows a picture of Mr. Reynolds committing the crime]

Heidi: Okay. You had that the whole time?

James: Yeah. I needed some real evidence. I can’t really bank on that Za thing.

Scrudge

Scrudge… Beck Bennett

Michael… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Derek… Chris Redd

Anna… Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

James Franco

[Starts with Scrudge reading a book in a dark room. He looks like a scary man in horror movies.]

[door knocking]

Scrudge: Hey, go away! [door knocking] [Scrudge walks to the door and opens it. It’s Michael.]

Michael: Hey, man. Sorry to bother you. Um, we’re about to head over to this Christmas party.

Scrudge: [interrupting] Cool. Bye!

[Scrudge shuts the door]

Michael: [speaking from outside the door] I was just thinking if you don’t have any plans, you’re more than welcome to come. We don’t get to kick it that much anymore. It can be fun, you know?

Scrudge: Fine!

[Cut to Kevin and Derek all ready for the party. Michael walks in.]

Kevin: [to Michael] You ready?

Michael: Um, just a few more minutes. I think my roommate is coming with us.

Kevin: What?

Derek: Seriously? You invited Scrudge?

Michael: Come on. It’s Christmas. The guy doesn’t have any friends.

Derek: Yeah, because he’s a nightmare, man!

[Scrudge walks in wearing nice clothes and a hat.]

Scrudge: Wad up, players? Kevin, Derek, still really boring? Cool. Let’s get faded.

[Cut to the party. Anna opens the door.]

Michael: Hey! We come bearing gifts.

Scrudge: Anna, your place looks so inexpensive.

Anna: Thanks.

Scrudge: Oh! And ugly Christmas sweater. So brave of you to do something so played out.

[Scrudge is opening a bottle of liquor. He looks at a girl. The girl is waving at him.]

Oh, no! Katy’s here. We hooked up like, once. And now she won’t stop texting me. It’s like, “Hey.” “Hi.” “What are you doing?” “You know what I’m doing. I see you watching my Insta stories.” Argh! Another reason to get blacked out.

Michael: Just try not to be dick to everyone tonight, please?

Scrudge: Duh! Bumble Dog.

[Scrudge walks to the TV set]

Hey, Heather. Dope DVD collection. I can’t believe there are other Wes Anderson fans out there. [showing a DVD of the movie Life Aquatic.] Let me guess, you like the soundtracks too? Coz you and your friends suck?

[Scrudge is walking to the bathroom. Three men walk out of the bathroom.]

Oh, I see what’s going on here. [stops Mikey] Mind if I sneak like, just a little tini tiny key bump?

Mikey: Um, yeah. We don’t have much left coz–

[Mikey gives Scrudge a tiny packet of cocaine. Scrudge just takes it and goes inside the bathroom. Mikey is waiting for him to get out and give him his packet back. But Scrudge comes out and just walks by.]

Hey, dude! Can I get that bag back?

Scrudge: Dude, what? I gave it back to you.

Mikey: No, you didn’t.

Scrudge: Yeah, dude. I literally, like, just gave it back to you. Are you like, high dude?

[Scrudge walks away]

Mikey: What?

[Cut to the rooftop. James is smoking a cigarette. Scrudge walks to him.]

Scrudge: Hey, can I bum a cigarette?

[James looks at his packet]

James: I got one left.

[Scrudge takes that cigarette]

Scrudge: Oh, that’s all I need.

James: Hey, Scrudge, yo’re kind of an asshole.

Scrudge: Wow, everybody has been dying to know what the sad lonely roof guy thinks. And I get to hear it first? #winning #Tygablood. Ha-ha-ha. Fuck you, loser!

James: Why don’t you take a look downstairs. You might not be as cool as you think.

[Scrudge looks down to the party. He sees people making fun of him.]

Mikey: I’m Scrudge. I make everyone feel uncomfortable.

Anna: Is he like a thousand years old?

Kevin: [to Michael] You would know this, does he own a toothbrush?

Michael: He’s just my roommate. He’s not really my friend. I don’t even know how much longer I want to live with him.

Scrudge: [to himself in the rooftop] Michael?

James: [to Scrudge] It’s not too late, Scrudge.

Scrudge: [singing] What have I become?

[Scrudge looks at James. James gets wings and he flies away.]

[Scrudge walks back to the party]

Everybody, please listen. I have something to say. [everybody look at him.] I’m sorry. I’ve been awful to each and everyone of you. But tonight, thanks to you, I’ve realized that the true meaning of Christmas is to spend time with those you love. Which is why, I shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry.

[Michael tries to stop Scrudge. But as Scrudge turns around, he is showing his butt off his pants to everyone.]

Truly, really sorry everyone.

Reunion

James Franco

Dave Franco

Mandy… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with James Franco in veranda]

James Franco: I’ll be in a minute mom. I’m just finishing up a call. [talking on the phone] Yeah, sorry. Um, my mom’s doing a whole thing. Yeah, Franco family reunion for, yeah, the holidays. Yeah, a lot of people I haven’t seen forever. Anyway, I’ll catch up with you later. Okay? Alright, bye.

[Mandy walks in from the gate. She is dressed like a boy and she looks sick.]

Mandy: James? Little Jamie?

James Franco: Yeah? I’m sorry. Who are you?

Mandy: It’s me, your cousin.

James Franco: Wow, wait a second. Mandy?

Mandy: Yeah, Mandy. Pretty Mandy.

James Franco: Oh, my god! Hi. Wow! How long has it been? Like, 20 years?

Mandy: Yeah, man. We got a lot of catching up to do. So, do you still go swimming?

James Franco: Yeah. I still swim sometimes.

Mandy: Yeah? And do you still eat candy?

James Franco: Yeah. I eat candy.

Mandy: Yeah? Good for you, man. Yeah. You know what? Man, I’m not gonna be there on the bus. I’ve been wanting to ask you something.

James Franco: Okay. [James Franco is reaching for his wallet] I think I know what you’re gonna ask.

Mandy: Do you need help?

James Franco: What? What?

Mandy: Do you need help? Because I heard the movie you got coming out is supposed to be a bad movie.

James Franco: The Disaster Artist?

Mandy: Yeah.

James Franco: Oh, no. It’s based on a guy who made a bad movie. Yeah.

Mandy: Okay. Little Jamie, whatever you say. But remember when you used to make good movies? Like, with the apes? Come on, man! Let me help you.

James Franco: No. Really. I’m good. I’m good. What about you? How have you been?

Mandy: Me? Really good. In October, I hit the bullseye.

James Franco: A bullseye? Like, in darts?

Mandy: Yeah, man. I was the only person at quickies to hit a bullseye that day. Yeah. They named a drink after me. A pretty Mandy.

James Franco: What was in it?

Mandy: Gin.

James Franco: What else?

Mandy: A straw. Man, don’t try to change the subject, man! Come on! Just let me help.

James Franco: No. I’m telling you, I’m doing great. My movie which a lot of people are saying they like, it comes out around Christmas.

Mandy: Oh, yeah, sure. Like that North Korea film.

James Franco: The Interview.

Mandy: Yeah, right. Your movie. Man, I told my friends Cliff and Paige that my cousin has a movie coming out, and we all went to get tickets and they said it was cancelled. You embarrassed me, man.

James Franco: It wasn’t my fault. The theaters refused to show it. I–

Mandy: It was so bad, they refused to show it?

James Franco: No. No. They still released on crackle.com.

Mandy: Crackle.com? So, zero people saw it? You know what? I can say you’re getting defensive. So, let’s stop it, man. So, are you still brothers with Dave?

James Franco: Yeah, he’s still my brother. He’s right inside. Why?

Mandy: Well, you know, my brother Gary don’t talk to me no more.

James Franco: Oh, what happened there?

Mandy: Well, I got too big for him when I hit that bull–

James Franco: The bullseye.

Mandy: Bullseye. Yeah, man. He got jealous. But you know, I think it’s cool that you have not done enough to get Dave jealous of you. Oh, come on! Just let me help you out. Man, what do you need? [Mandy opens her fanny pack] You need money?

James Franco: No.

Mandy: You need the dart that hit the bullseye?

James Franco: No. I don’t need any help. I have a very successful career. I was nominated for an Oscar.

Mandy: Yeah, but you lost. You did, man. You lost the Oscar. Well, you know what? You should fire your agents, get with Dave’s.

James Franco: Alright, you know what? I’m gonna go inside and help my mom, alright? But congrats on that bullseye, alright?

Mandy: Peace!

[James Franco walks in and Dave Franco walks out. He looks at Mandy and gets really happy.]

Dave Franco: Mandy? Pretty Mandy.

Mandy: Dave! Little Davy!

Dave Franco: Wow! You are still smoking hot. Good for you.

Mandy: When you got it, you got it! Hey, you don’t know if James needed any help, right?

Dave Franco: Oh, yeah, yeah. You don’t need to worry about that. Let me worry about that, okay? And by the way, did I hear that you hit a bullseye? How?

Mandy: I threw the dart!

Dave Franco: Ah!

Gift Wrap

Tina… Kate McKinnon

Don… James Franco

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a customer packing her gift at the wrapping department]

Tina: And that’s one freshly wrapped Xbox, courtesy of your friendly Bloomingdale’s gift wrapping department.

Don: Hang on, let me just fluff your bow. Can’t send you home with a fluffy bow.

Heidi: Thank you. How much do I owe you?

Don: Oh, you’ve been such a super sweet customer. I think I’m gonna have to waive the $5 charge. This one’s on me. Now, Merry Christmas.

Heidi: Merry Christmas to you.

[Heidi walks out]

Tina: Wow. Don, you’re so great with the customers. I don’t know how you do it.

Don: Ah, because I’m a freaky nut for Christmas? That’s how. I live for this. Don’t you?

Tina: It’s fine.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hi. Can I get this barbie doll wrapped for my niece?

Don: Wow! Oh, yeah. She’s gonna have the best Christmas ever flip in life.

Beck: I hope so. She is pretty special.

[Don takes a wrapping paper and starts wrapping the gift]

Don: Oh, I know she will, sir. That is my Christmas guarantee. [Don hurts his finger] Oh! Ou!

Tina: Are you okay?

Don: Yeah. I just– just a little paper cut. It’s a hazard of the trade. No big. Now, The secret to good gift wrapping is a nice clean crease. [Don is wrapping the gift very badly because of the injury, and he is bleeding all over the gift. It’s all messed up.]

Tina: Don, Do you need a band aid?

Don: I don’t think so. Don’t think so.

Beck: I think you do. You’re getting blood all over my niece’s gift.

Don: I can just cover that with the bow. Don’t worry. Oh, man. This is deeper than I thought. [His hands are all bloody] Yeah. My finger’s basically like a split hotdog right now.

Tina: Don, I think we need to get you to the medical center.

Don: [pointing his injured finger to Tina] Oh, pass, Tina. I got work to do.

Beck: This is bad. Are you on blood thinners?

Don: A few. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah. Okay, one last piece of tape and alright. [Don passes the badly wrapped gift to Beck] There you go, sir.

Beck: Oh, thank you. Where’s the return counter?

Don: It’s just over there. Oh, don’t forget your free candy cane over here, okay? [Don picks up the candies with his bloody hands. The candy container is filled with his blood.]

Beck: Oh, Jesus!

[Beck runs away]

Tina: Hey, Don, can we please go find the store nurse now?

Don: Tina, it’s nothing. I just need a little pressure on it. it’s gonna stop any second. Okay?

[Don puts his finger in his mouth]

Tina: Is your mouth filling with blood right now? Don?

[Don is shaking his head no]

[Leslie and Kenan walk in]

Leslie: Hi, are you free to wrap a gift?

Don: Umm.

[Don spits a lot of blood on Leslie’s face]

Whoa! Oh! You are gift finding genius or what?

Kenan: Oh, my good lord! Good lord! What is happening?

[Leslie is disgusted]

Don: Here. Your Christmas dreams are coming true. That’s what. Let me find my special chu-chu paper.

[Don is looking for a paper]

Kenan: No. You know what? I think we’re good, man! Let’s get out of here.

[Leslie is trying to say something to Don but she can’t speak because she is disgusted.]

Are you alright?

Don: Here we go. Look. [Don brings out the paper] Don’t be silly. You’re gonna love this paper. [Don is already bleeding over the wrapping paper] You just got to chop a little bit of it.

[Don chops his another finger off his another hand]

Kenan: [yelling] Oh! You just chopped your damn fingers out.

Don: Just a tip. Just a tip. That’s what she said! [Don is bleeding all over the place] I just wanna say something point. I think we may actually have a problem here.

Kenan: Yeah, man.

Leslie: Ew! Your’e spraying blood in my–

Don: No! The problem is I don’t have enough chu-chu paper. But look, you can pick any of the patterns on the wall behind me. [Don sprays blood all over the papers and wall behind.]

Kenan: No! Alright? That is it! We are out of here.

Leslie: No, I want– [can’t speak]

Tina: Don, this is way more than eight pints of blood. Will you please stop?

Don: Stop loving Christmas? Never. Just turn on the lights. I wanna show you something.

Tina: The lights are on. All the lights are on.

Don: Oh my god! Look, another roll of chu-chu paper. Let me cut the plastic up here. Hold it with my leg here. [Don pulls out his leg. His leg is already chopped off. Now  he is bleeding off his leg too.] Oh! I just cut my leg off. Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: You just 100% cut your damn foot off.

Don: Yeah. That’s what she said!

Tina: Please call an ambulance for all of us.

Kenan: No! I cannot deal with that. That is a foot!

Return Counter

Mikey Day

Luke Null

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Saoirse Ronan

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with some people in line at a mart’s return/exchange counter]

Mikey: Sir, I’m sorry, but we cannot accept any returns or exchanges without a receipt. Our store policy, man.

Luke: Man, that’s such a bull-crap. I’m sopping at Walmart from now on. That’s a better mart.

[Luke walks out]

Mikey: Okay, sir. You’re free to do that. Next in line, return or exchange?

Kyle: I’d like to return these [in loud voice] magnum condoms. Guys like me need bigger condoms. Do you see a bigger size?

Mikey: I don’t think so, man.

Kyle: [in loud voice] Dang, so the biggest condoms you sell are too small for me? I guess I’ll just have to go online to a bot guy website and see if I can find some there.

[Kyle walks out]

Mikey: Okay. Good luck with that. Next.

[Kenan walks front]

Kenan: Well, I hope that you have had a good life. You people have sold me a woman’s hand muff. Now that you’ve had your fun, kindly point me towards the men’s muff section please.

Mikey: Yeah, I don’t think we have those, sir.

Kenan: Oh, so you’re all sold out? Perfect!

[Kenan walks out]

Mikey: Hello.

[Leslie storms in]

Leslie: These diapers leak. Not to mention, my baby looks ridiculous in them.

Mikey: Um, these are adult diapers, ma’am.

Leslie: Man, what the kind of hell of an adult be dooking in his pants?

Mikey: I think when some people get older, it just happens. Either way, I’ll give you store credit, okay ma’am?

[Mikey hands Leslie over a paper. Leslie takes is angrily.]

Next please.

[Saoirse and Chris walk in]

Saoirse: Hi. I bought my boyfriend this men’s cologne because I thought he was a man. But he’s actually a bitch on the rags, so I’d like to exchange it for these tampons.

Mikey: Alright.

Chris: Babe, why are you doing this?

Saoirse: Because the man protects his woman.

Chris: Babe, a drunk guy spilled a drink on your shoe, I’m not gonna kick his ass for that.

Saoirse: Right, yeah. Because you’re a little girl who needs her tampons.

Mikey: [passing the tampons] Okay, you guys are all set.

Saoirse: Great, thanks. [to Chris] I’m leaving. Don’t follow me. [Saoirse walks away while Chris just looks around] [yelling] Are you coming?

Chris: Yes! I don’t know what to do, man!

[Saoirse and Chris leave]

Mikey: Next, ma’am. Hello.

[Aidy walks in. He has a parrot on her shoulder and it has pooped all over her shoulder.]

Aidy: Hello. I will not go into detail, but let’s just say that the brand of bird seed doesn’t agree with my parrot’s stomach.

Mikey: Yeah. I can see that. I can give you store credit.

Aidy: Okay. Wonderful. And can you just point me in the direction of women’s shirts, carpet cleaner and I guess, unfortunately, mouth wash.

Mikey: Oh, they’re all out in the store, ma’am. Thank you. Next.

[Aidy walks out. Cecily walks in taking a selfie video.]

Cecily: Okay, Facebook live.

Mikey: No, don’t.

Cecily: Get ready to watch a customer begging out her right.

Mikey: Ma’am. Stop doing–

Cecily: What? What? Can I talk?

Mikey: Can you just stop?

Cecily: Can I talk? Oh, can I talk?

Mikey: You come in here a lot.

Cecily: Coz y’all told me to test it, right? Watch, does this say goodbye to stains?

[Cecily opens a pan and tries to cover her shirt stain writing on it]

Look, stain. I’m stain. It ain’t doing nothing. Stain.

Mikey: You can’t rub it on mustard.

Cecily: And y’all trynna’ charge me $100?

Mikey: No, it didn’t cost $100.

Cecily: Oh, he calling me a liar. Facebook live. Say it again. It’s on Facebook live.

Mikey: No, I’m not calling you a liar.

Cecily: You know what? That’s racial discrimination. Find this man.

Mikey: Racial? You’re white!

Cecily: You don’t know that. Find this man! You going viral! You going– He going– You going viral!

[Cecily leaves]

Mikey: Okay. I’m not going viral. Next.

[Pete and Heidi walk in. Heidi has pregnant belly.]

Pete: Yo! These pregnancy test don’t work, man!

Mikey: Okay. Did you read the instructions?

Pete: Dude, yes. I’m not stupid. I read the instructions. I took it out, I peed on it, I waited 15 minutes and nothing happened.

Mikey: Oh wait, dude, you peed on it? No, she got to pee on it, man.

Heidi: I freaking told you, you freaking idiot! Now we’ll never know.

[Pete and Heidi storm out]

Mikey: [looking at Heidi’s belly.] Yeah. She’s pregnant, man. Um, you’re next.

[Cut to Kate at the doorway. She is an old lady on automated wheelchair.]

Kate: These jeans are too baggy. I look like an urban in them.

Mikey: Alright, can you just come up a little closer?

Kate: You’re the boss.

[Kate moves forward on her wheelchair and hits Mikey’s counter. Wheelchair’s airbag is triggered.]

Mikey: You did it again.

[Cecily walks in again taking selfie video]

Cecily: Oh, watch! Watch! Facebook live, he just killed that old lady. Y’all can see that? You’re going viral!

Mikey: No, I didn’t.

Cecily: He’s going viral.

Mikey: She’s not dead.

Floribama Shore

Kyler… Mikey Day

Trish… Saoirse Ronan

Pontoon… Luke Null

Epcot… Heidi Gardner

Quartney… Aidy Bryant

Justin… Chris Redd

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: From the creators of Jersey Shore, MTV’s hot new show “Floribama Shore” brings the party to the Gold Coast. The co-eds are hot, the parties are jumping and it was all filmed in the middle of Hurricane Irma.

[Cut to Kyler.]

Kyler narrating: Sup? My name’s Kyler and I’m a piece of [bleep].

[Cut to Trish]

Trish narrating: My mama didn’t raise me to be afraid of no storm. She raised me to be a fearless Christian sex addict with gum diseases that you ain’t even heard of, player!

[Cut to Pontoon]

Pontoon narrating: Sup, y’all? My name’s Pontoon. And I used to carry around my dad’s ashes until I let go of him on a roller coaster. Oh-Wa-ah-ah-ah!

[Cut to Epcot]

Epcot narrating: My name’s Epcot. I was born in the Chinese part of Epcot center. My favorite food is gum.

[Cut to Quartney]

Quartney narrating: What’s up, weiners? My name’s Quartney with a Quart. I’mma freaking the sheets in the Benghazi. Truth are in the streets.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin narrating: Wait a minute, there’s a hurricane coming? We need to go, y’all!

[Cut to clips of people partying]

Male voice: A party’s brewing down south y’all. And there’s a 90% chance of drama.

[Cut to everyone chilling. Quartney walks in with cocktails.]

Quartney: Hurricanes for the hurricane, y’all!

[Cut to Epcot]

Epcot narrating: Hurricanes? Her a bitch!

[Cut to Epcot trashing Quartney’s cocktails]

Epcot: You’ve been getting on my damn nerves ever since we got to this house.

Quartney: You can’t talk to me like that!

Epcot: Oh, what are you going to do about it? Cry to you daddy?

Quartney: You don’t know my daddy.

Epcot: You don’t know… my daddy!

Epcot and Quartney: My daddy’s Hulk Hogan!

[Epcot and Quartney look at each other being emotional for some time, and then hug each other crying.]

[Cut to Epcot and Quartney]

Quartney narrating: Hogan sisters reunited.

Epcot narrating: Have you ever met him?

Quartney narrating: No, I want to, though.

[Cut to Pontoon]

Pontoon narrating: At this point, seems like everybody in the house is coupled up. Trish is with Kyler. Epcot is with Kyler. And Quartney, I believe, is with Kyler. Justin’s freaking out coz his wife’s not answering the phone.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin narrating: Sharon, call me.

[Cut to Pontoon]

Pontoon narrating: But I’m not worried, y’all, because Trish said that she’d bang me… after Kyler.

[Cut to everyone praying at the table]

Male voice: Despite everything, this house is all about the love.

Trish: Guys, I think staying in here through the hurricane was the best decision we ever made.

Quartney: Yeah! Otherwise, I would have never met my long lost sister.

Pontoon: We’re falling in love. Y’all, this hurricane has taught me something important. When you find someone you love, never let em go. Trish, will you marry me?

[a ‘STOP’ sign board flies in breaking window and cuts Pontoon through his stomach. Everyone is panicking.]

Male voice: “Floribama Shore,” why do you make us do this?

American Girl Store

Jack Trask… Beck Bennett

Beth Runyon… Cecily Strong

Ben Hartley… Kenan Thompson

Thomas Dean… Mikey Day

Debbie Pritchard… Saoirse Ronan

Karen Kellers… Leslie Jones

Becca Simms… Heidi Gardner

Security… Alex Moffatt

[Starts with Action News 9 At Five intro]

Male voice: Action News 9, News At Five, Eye on Phoenix.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon in their news set]

Jack Trask: Good evening, I’m Jack Trask.

Beth Runyon: And I’m Beth Runyon. Out top story, chaos at the Canyon Gallery at a shopping center today as an underground gas main exploded giving shoppers at the American Girl store quite a scare. Luckily, no one was seriously hurt.

Jack Trask: Action 9’s Ben Hartley is live at the Canyon Gallery in downtown Phoenix. [Cut to Ben Hartley] Ben, quite a scene down there today.

Ben Hartley: You can say that again, Jack. I’m joined by Thomas Dean and Debbie Pritchard. Two customers who were inside the American Girl store when the explosion happened. My first question, obviously, are you children okay?

Debbie Pritchard: Um, yes, my daughter’s fine. She’s in the car with her dad.

Ben Hartley: And you, Mr. Dean?

Thomas Dean: Um, I don’t have children. I had just briefly popped in to the American Girl store to buy a doll for someone else. It was not for me. It was a gift.

[Ben Hartley looks at Thomas Dean awkwardly]

Ben Hartley: Okay. Um, was there any warning? Was there any warning right before the explosion happened? What happened?

Debbie Pritchard: Oh. Well, I was in line behind Mr. Dean who was buying his doll.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] As a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And he was arguing with the sales person saying his doll’s hairstyle looks sort of sloppy and not of the period.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Yeah, and then the explosion happened. It was just like a boom!

Debbie Pritchard: Yes! Exactly. And I actually need to thank Mr. Dean because my last thought before the explosion was, you know, “This grown man is alone in a doll store screaming about his doll’s hairstyle.”

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] I barely raised my voice. I wasn’t screaming.

Debbie Pritchard: And I thought it was weird.

Thomas Dean: [interrupting] Not if it’s a gift, though. Not if it’s a gift.

Debbie Pritchard: And I sort of instinctively hugged my daughter closer to me to protect her. And that actually saved her from some of the falling glass.

Ben Hartley: Wow! [looking at Thomas Dean] Well, thank god you were obsessed with your doll’s hairstyle, sir.

Thomas Dean: No. It was more that it was messy. Upper class girls in the 1920s were very put together. So I’m told. I was buying a gift. It was just so chaotic.

Ben Hartley: Yeah. I bet. Um, Jack and Beth, can you believe what you’re hearing?

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Jack Trask: No. I mean, it’s definitely his doll, right?

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’re joined now by representative of Canyon Rock gas, Karen Kellers. [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Karen Kellers] Thanks for speaking with us, Ms. Kellers.

Karen Kellers: My pleasure.

Beth Runyon: Now, should residents be concerned by this?

Karen Kellers: There’s no reason to panic. Just because a grown man collects dolls, it doesn’t mean he a predator.

Beth Runyon: Um, Ms. Kellers, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear. I was referring to the gas main explosion.

Karen Kellers: Oh, yes. That’s very bad.

Beth Runyon: Well, okay. Thank you, Ms. Kellers.

[Cut to Jack Trask]

Jack Trask: Let’s check back in with Ben down at the scene. Ben?

[Cut to Ben Hartley. He is with Becca Simms.]

Ben Hartley: Yeah, Jack, Beth, I’m here with another eye witness, Ms. Becca Simms, an employee at the American Girl store. Can you tell us what happened?

Becca Simms: Yes. I work in the cafe where the doll owners can eat with their dolls. I was setting up a table for the gentleman you were just speaking with earlier, Mr. Dean and his doll, Christine Somersby.

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: That wasn’t me. It was someone else.

[Thomas Dean runs out]

Becca Simms: No, no. It was him. He handed me a $20 bill and said, “Give us a table with a view. Christian’s new money. Not Trolly Trash.”

[Thomas Dean runs in interrupting]

Thomas Dean: Then the explosion happened. Just like, “Boom.” Do you remember the explosion?

Ben Hartley: Yeah, can you explain that?

Thomas Dean: Oh! It was just like a loud “Boom” of no where.

Ben Hartley: No, the phrase ‘Trolly Trash.’

Thomas Dean: Oh! Um, in the 1920s in Christian’s era, prostitutes would look for customers on trollies. So I’m told. It’s just a gift. Oh my god! This looks crazy!

Ben Hartley: Alright, Beth, Jack, I’m seeing an emergency service worker here. [Ben Hartley walks to Security] Sir, can you tell us about the situation inside the store?

Security: Um, sure. I mean, luckily, we have no injuries except for this little lady we found on the ground. [Security shows a doll]

[Thomas Dean runs in]

Thomas Dean: She’s gonna be on TV. She might as well have a hat.

[Thomas Dean puts a hat on the doll and runs out.]

It’s a gift.

Security: Uh-huh. But the structural damage is extensive. Right now, it looks like the American Girl store is gonna be closed for eight months.

[Thomas Dean runs in again]

Thomas Dean: Does that include a salon in the second floor?

Security: Whole building.

Thomas Dean: Ah!

[Thomas Dean walks out]

Ben Hartley: Well, thank you for talking with us. Jack, Beth, back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Jack Trask and Beth Runyon]

Beth Runyon: Well, quite an ordeal for those customers down there.

Jack Trask: Oh, he’ll be fine. There’s another American Girl store in Tempi.

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’ll be right back.

Porn Pizza Delivery

Jasmine… Heidi Gardner

Delivery boy… Chance the Rapper

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Skank Babysitter 17 intro]

[Cut to Jasmine sitting on a couch]

Jasmine: The kid I’m babysitting is finally asleep. Now I can study for college. [doorbell ringing] Who could that be?

[Jasmine walks to the door and opens it. A pizza delivery guy walks in.]

Delivery boy: Pizza delivery. I got extra large sausage just for you.

Jasmine: For the 17th, I didn’t order any pizza.

Delivery boy: Well, I would hate for all this sausage to go to waste.

Jasmine: Oh, wait. I know somewhere we can put it.

Delivery boy: Oh, yeah?

Jasmine: Freak, yeah!

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Whoa! Ms. Jasmine, you ordered us a pizza? You’re the coolest babysitter ever.

Delivery boy: What?

Aidy: Wait a minute. We already ate dinner. Aren’t you full?

Jasmine: Yeah. But I want to be stuffed

Aidy: Whatever you say, Ms. Jasmine, I love pizza.

Delivery boy: It’s an extra, extra large. Almost nine inches.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak, yeah.

Aidy: Nine inches? That sounds more like personal pan to me. Is that really enough for both of us?

Jasmine: Don’t talk back. I’m in charge even though I’m only 19.

Aidy: What? I saw your driver’s license, you’re 39. Anyway, I’m gonna go get some plates. Be right back, Ms. Jasmine.

Jasmine: Um, come over here, pizza guy.

Delivery boy: Okay, so, what do you think about my pizza delivery?

Jasmine: It was good. You came so fast.

Delivery boy: Sorry about that. It’s been three days since I delivered a pizza.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Whoa! Are you staying to eat the pizza with us?

Delivery boy: Um, yeah.

Aidy: Oh, cool. Make yourself at home. I’m sorry, we only have this black heather couch and two fake plants and no rugs or TV or anything.

Delivery boy: That’s okay. I’ll do it anywhere they tell me.

Aidy: Oh, that’s the spirit. [Aidy opens the pizza box. The pizza has a hole in the middle.] Umm– whoa, wait a minute. There’s a hole in the middle of this pizza.

Delivery boy: That’s for the sausage.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak yeah.

Aidy: Hold one. Ms. Jasmine, we’re getting ripped off. Don’t tip this guy.

Delivery boy: No, I give her the tip.

Aidy: Wait, you do? So, you bring us the pizza and we get a tip? Never mind, you guys are the best pizza place ever. That’s your pizza place called?

Delivery boy: [Looking at his shirt. There is no name, just ‘Pizza’.] Pizza.

Aidy: I know. But what’s the restaurant?

Delivery boy: Pizza.

Aidy: Whatever you say.

Jasmine: Did you bring me any dessert, big boy?

Delivery boy: I sure did. 100 pounds of chocolate. [pointing at himself]

Aidy: You brought chocolate too? Oh, you’re the best delivery guy ever.

Delivery boy: I’m not just a delivery guy. I’m also a masseuse, a bus driver and a step-son.

Aidy: Whoa, Ms. Jasmine’s a bus driver too.

Jasmine: I don’t drive. I just lay down in the back.

Aidy: Oh, wow. Well, that’s a job, sign me up. [doorbell ringing] Oh, it’s a door bell. I’ll get it.

[Aidy walks to the door and opens it. Three men walk in.]

Beck: Did someone call a plumber?

Alex: And a handy man.

Kyle: And order a package?

Aidy: Wow you guys are still on the clock this late? You work really hard.

Beck: So hard.

Alex: Super hard.

Kyle: And I’m just medium hard. But they can cut around it.

Aidy: Okay, well don’t mind me. I’ll just be here eating some pizza.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Aidy: It’s really cold.