Barfly Awards

Missy Shoots… Cecily Strong

Peanuts… Aidy Bryant

Flip Rick… Kenan Thompson

Pissy Carmichael… Alex Moffat

Sally O’Flappy… Maya Rudolph

Teeny Petey Rancini… Kyle Mooney

Nick Flint…  Mikey Day

Peaches… Kate McKinnon

[starts with announcement]

Male voice: Live from Pickleback Auditorium, it’s the 2021 Barfly Awards. With your host Missy Shoots.

[Cut to Missy Shoots. She is on the stage with a martini in her hand.]

Missy Shoots: Welcome to the Barfly Awards. This year being a barfly has taken even more dedication, determination, swinging back and forth, you know what I’m saying? So, we honor them tonight.

Male voice: Coming to the stage, she won last year for longest two AM story, please welcome Peanuts.

[Peanuts walks in. She has a glass of whiskey in her hand.]

Peanuts: Okay. Our first reward of the night goes for wildest claim made at the bar. In your life, there’s gonna be so many people. So, here’s our nominees. Hannah NoMOney, “I had sex with a ghost”. Flip Rick, “I can run a two minute mile”

Flip Rick: I can. I just don’t want to do it right now.

Peanuts: Pissy Carmichael with “I speak fluent French”.

Pissy Carmichael: Ju-ju-pu-pu-ju.

Peanuts: And Sally O’Flappy, I came up with the idea of a rolly suitcase, I can show you the email”. And the Barfly Award, hold on- I got it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks on the stage and received the award]

Sally O’Flappy: Oh, man. I can’t believe. This is amazing. Everybody here perspires me. I have to say, the guy, the young guy, know him? But hey, oh I miss him. Okay, bye, bye. Love you.

Male voice: Comin up next, he won last year’s award for best story about his daughter with left her at the beach. It’s Teeny Petey Rancini.

[Teeny Petey Rancini walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Can I say Something? Money is not real. [Missy Shoots walks in to hold Teeny Petey Rancini as he’s too drunk] No, no, it’s not your turn. I’m presenting.

Missy Shoots: You’re standing nice. You’re a nice guy. Can I have a kiss? [kisses on Teeny Petey Rancini’s cheek]

Teeny Petey Rancini: Thank you. Here are the nominees for the most bummer detail. Big John, “It’s my last weekend with my foot”. Just Marge, “Member me?I’m your favorite teacher from high school”.

Just Marge: Look at you. You grew up.

Teeny Petey Rancini: Peaches, “I’m 41 years old”.

Peaches: Hi.

Teeny Petey Rancini: And Sally O’Flappy with “My husband’s in the jar”. Winner is- I can’t believe it. It’s Sally O’Flappy.

[Sally O’Flappy walks in and receives the award again]

Sally O’Flappy: Thank you. I can’t believe. One too more. That’s phenomenon. I’m want to thank my dead husband because he was a phenomenon guy. [drops the jar she said her husband was] Oh-oh! Whoopsy! Sorry, dude. Well, goodnight!

Male voice: Please welcome our next presenter, winner of the foreign Barfly Award or hobby, Nick Flint.

[Nick Flint walks in with a glass of whiskey]

Nick Flint: Oi! If you’re a supporter of Manchester United, then this is for you. Wanker! Here are the nominees for best bar hookup. [cut to Flip Rick and Sally O’Flappy] Him and her. [cut to Teeny Petey Rancini and Andrew] Her and him. [Cut to Teeny Petey Rancini, Andrew and Just Marge] Her and him and that. And the winner is – Ah! That! Peaches.  [Peaches walks to the stage and receives the award] Is also nominated tonight for most destructive trip to the bathroom.

Peaches: Cell phone, wallet, key. Okay, goodnight.

Male voice: Last call.

[All the audiences get angry]

All: Ah! What are you saying? Come on, now!

[All of them stand and walk away]

Missy Shoots: This has been 2021 Barfly Awards. Make sure you close at after party. We have to go midtown hungover tomorrow.

Home Makeover

Cara… Heidi Gardner

Steve… Kyle Mooney

Blake… Mikey Day

Jared… Nick Jonas

[Starts with show intro]

Cara: Welcome to Bachelor Home Makeover where we give single guys a fresh new lease on life by turning their drab homes into fab paz. [Steve and Blake are having fun in their apartment] This is Steve and his best friend Blake. They’re both recently separated and decided to move in together in this down town fixer upper with a ton of potential.

Steve: I say my design taste is open concept or whatever and I want a spot in the crib where I can gang. That’s how I make money right now.

Blake: Me, pretty much the same things. But also, I like to cook. So like, a kitchen is a must.

Steve: Yeah, kitchen will be tight.

Cara: I could tell these two weren’t gonna make my job easy. That’s why I enlisted the help of Jared.

Jared: Hey, Cara. I specialize in designing rented homes for single guys just like them. And I know they’re gonna love what we did.

Blake: To our new home, roomie.

Steve: Alright, let’s do it.

[Cut to revealing the apartment.]

Cara: So, are you two finally ready to see your new forever home?

[walks inside the apartment]

Blake: Yo!

Steve: This is high.

Cara: Do you love it?

Blake: It’s so bum.

Cara: Great. I’ll tell you what we did. We put up a fresh coat of stark white paint.

Jared: And we took out all that furniture you guys never used and put in this leather couch, a glass coffee table–

Cara: And a huge TV for gaming.

Blake: Yo, I got to sit on this. [sits on the sofa] This looks like the couch from–

Jared: Casting porn? That’s because it’s very similar.

Steve: It’s got like, the cup holders already built in the couch?

Cara: It does. And a tiny fridge on the side. And Blake, I know you like to eat peanuts. So, how about a little trash compartment for all your shell?

Blake: Dude! How did you guys think of that?

Jared: That’s not all we did. Steve, we know you like the move Scarface.

Steve: That’s my jam. How’d you know that?

Cara: So, we got you this framed Scarface movie poster and put it on one of the stark white wall.

Jared: And Blake, we got you a framed Rat Pack poster.

Blake: Yo, this is crazy coz I’m always saying that if I could go back to time period, it would be Rat Pat.

Cara: Well, there’s still a lot more to see. Shall we?

[cut to checking bathroom.]

Jared: Alright, so checkout your bathroom. When we first got here, you both only had one towel each.

Cara: And those were filthy.

Steve: They clean, just stained.

Jared: Now, you don’t have to worry about that because we got you four new towels.

Cara: And they’re navy blue so you don’t have to worry about stains.

Blake: That’s so smart.

Cara: And I know you hate the Dallas cowboys, so we put a Cowboys sticker inside the toile.

Blake: Yo, dude, that’s what I’m talking about.

Steve: I’m not gonna lie, that’s flago.

[checking Steve’s bedroom]

Jared: Alright, let’s look in the bedroom, guys.

Steve: Wait, how did you get the lights to be, like, purple like that?

Jared: We put in Phillips color bulbs so you can make the lights any color you want.

Steve: So, I can make it red if I have a girl over?

Jared: Exactly.

[checking the kitchen]

Cara: Now, the kitchen was fun. We took all your little ketchups and turned them into one big ketchup.

Jared: You guys also mentioned you like to cook.

Steve: That’s him. He’s the chef.

Blake: Yeah, I do a little something-something.

Jared: But we noticed the stove doesn’t work.

Blake: Oh no, it works. You just have to light it or something.

Steve: Or just leave it on.

Jared: That’s not good at all and you shouldn’t have to do that. So, we hooked you up with a brand new AirFryer.

Steve: Is that a ninja one?

Jared: It sure is.

Cara: And one last thing. We knew you guys both really like whiskey. So, the folks at Superior Wine and Spirits hooked you two up with two bottles of Jameson for your counter.

Blake: Dude! Two?

Cara: Two.

Blake: We get to keep both?

Jared: Alright guys, last but certainly not least, we built you a shelf and put some things on here we thought you might like.

Steve: Is that the Thanos glove?

Jared: Yeah.
Blake: Dude, this is crazy. Y’all nailed everything.

Steve: For real. Coz, it’s been a hard year for me. I got fired from my job for telling some jokes. But y’all did your thing on this.

Blake: Oh behalf of me and my boy, man, good looking out.

Jared: It was our pleasure.

Cara: Yeah. And, how bout enjoy your new home?

Steve: We will.

Man, I still can’t believe we live here.

Blake: Yo, when my kids stay for the weekend, they love the big TV. And the AirFryer makes my famous Tats more fire than ever.

Steve: Ay, ladies like it too. Coz I posted some pictures of new crib on the gram, got couple of prospects.

Blake: Thanks, Bachelor Home Makeover.

Steve: Y’all saved my life, yo!

Bachelor Party

Nick Jonas

Mickey… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with couple of buys having a bachelor’s party]

Nick: Hey, listen up. Hey, listen. To Mickey’s last few days of freedom.

All: Yes.

Nick: Hell yes.

Kyle: Hey, I always thought you were going to marry Trisha Kentworth from Mrs. Christianson’s class.

Mikey: What?

Mickey: Yeah. It’s something from growing up.

Nick: Well, I just want to say you’re an amazing friend and I’m really proud to be your best man.

All: Cheers!

[doorbell ringing]

Nick: Oh, could that be the pizzas?

[Nick runs to answer open the door]

Mickey: What? No. Please tell me you didn’t. No. You guys. Oh my god.

[Two women wearing tight leather dresses walk in with pizza boxes]

Ego: Did someone order an extra large sausage?

Heidi: I might have to blow on it. [takes a whip out of the pizza box] [Ego and Heidi start dancing]

Mickey: [to Nick] Hey, man, this is really special. Thank you.

Nick: Of course, man.

[Everything turns dar and spotlight turns on Mickey] [music playing]

Mickey: [singing] Well, I’m gonna marry the woman that I love
but first a tradition long spoken of
I’ve waited for this moment all of my life
to get hard with my friends before I marry my wife

Bowen: I’m drinking beer and hard alcohol
getting hard with my brother in law

Now I see what my sister sees
coz he’s got a boner next to me

Nick: I’m getting hard with my homies
boned up next to my pals
you only get one bachelor party
might as well spend it around

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends

one night away from our lame ass lives
we’ll get hard and then it all ends

[the women are looking confused]

Nick: Oh, I got to plan the evening
his last night as a free man

but getting in trouble with the guys
yes, that was my only plan

Alex: I needed this, oh I needed this
I’m married with kids and I needed this
I must get woody all my night away
coz if I don’t then I think I’ll go cray

All: Boner, boner, boner,
that’s what tonight’s all about
every single tent is pitched
except for the guy who passed out

Kyle: I’m the friend from home
I’m feeling like a loner
these guys don’t get our inside jokes
that’s why I need my boner
coz it don’t matter where you’re from
just get a hard on and sing along

All: Boner, boner, boner,
boner next to my friends
we all got hard in one big room
and we’re never discussing again

Mickey: These are my best friends
my brotherhood, my crew
and we honor a timeless tradition
my dad got hard with his friends too

Nick: Um, amazing job, ladies.

Ego: We didn’t do anything.

Heidi: Yeah, you just sang about your stiffy ding dongs the whole time.

Mickey: Ha-ha. Come on, break it in, guys. Come here.

Kyle: I love you, Micky.

Mickey: I love you guys.

Amusement Park

Brett… Mikey Day

Malcolm… Nick Jonas

Cug… Kyle Mooney

Brinkley… Heidi Gardner

Fresian… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with a bunch of young people on a line at the amusement park]

Gate keeper: Alright, next riders, please?

Brett: I’m so glad World of Fun reopened. I thought they were going to have to cancel our junior year trip.

Malcolm: Dude, I still can’t believe you won the stuffed guy from soul.

Cug: [holding a human size stuffed guy] I know. I’ve like, never won the ring toss. My lucky day I guess.

Brett: Also, Brinkley, like, how have you never ridden the Viking Voyager?

Brinkley: I don’t know. I think water’s scary.

Fresian: Oh my god. Me too. I’m like a full baby in the shower.

Malcolm: You know, the Viking Voyager is sick. I’ll protect you.

Fresian: Okay, now shut up.

Cug: Oh, so you two are like, riding together?

Malcolm: Oh, I straight up don’t care.

Brinkley: Oh, we have to pair up for the ride, huh?

Brett: Yeah. How many even is it to, like, a flume?

Cug: I think it’s two max. I think typically guy-girl. But I don’t care.

Brett: Yeah. Well, I feel like Fresian and Malcolm said they’d ride together.

Fresian: Oh, I don’t care. Sure.

Malcolm: Yeah. Like, whatever makes sense to the group. Like, height wise?

Brett: Oh, okay. Well, if it’s height wise, I guess it’s me and Brinkley makes sense?

Brinkley: Yeah. I mean, height wise I feel like that checks out. So then Cug, would you be cool riding with the guy from soul?

Cug: Um, I kind of feel like I rode with him on the last ride and the ride before that. So, I think it makes sense for me to ride with a person or a girl this time. But literally, all I care about is getting wet.

Malcolm: Wait, Brinkley and Brett, didn’t you ride on the Zulu together?

Brett: We did? Did we?

Brinkley: What? I think I either rode alone or with the guy from soul.

Cug: No. Pretty sure Joe Gardner has only ridden with me.

Malcolm: Wait. Who’s Joe Gardner?

Cug: Um, the guy from soul. Yeah. I definitely remember being with him on the Zulu and the Mamba. I don’t care. But if we want to keep it even, I don’t think I should be riding with the guy from soul.

Fresian: Like, hey, I mean, I can ride with you, Cug. Malcolm, you cool to ride with the guy from soul?

Malcolm: Well, isn’t this the one where you like, kind of sit on each other’s laps?

Brinkley: Wait, you do? Like, how does that work?

Brett: I don’t know. I think we have enough time to do like, a demo? Like, just to practice.

Brinkley: Okay.

Brett: [walks to a boat] Okay. So, I guess, I’ll sit here. And then you’d be between my legs I guess.

Brinkley: Oh, like, you want me to try?

Brett: Yeah. For like, height.

Brinkley: [they sit together] Oh, yeah, height.

Brett: Coz I don’t care. But if–

Cug: I feel like for height, I’d be better behind?

Brinkley: Oh, no. This is good for height.

Brett: Yeah.

Malcolm: [to Fresian] Should we–?

Fresian: Demo how to sit? Yeah, sure.

Malcolm: Yeah. Okay. So, I’d be like this.

Fresian: [they sit together] Okay. Yeah.

Malcolm: And then you’d be here. But then, like, what do I do with my arms? Because I don’t want them to get wet.

Fresian: Yeah. I think they’d be like my seatbelt like this. [pulling Malcolm’s hands across her waist]

Malcolm: Okay.

Brett: Um, we actually didn’t demo that. Should we practice?

Brinkley: Like, for height?

Brett: Yes. For height.

Brinkley: Sure.

Brett: I guess like this. [Brett just holds Brinkley from the behind]

Brinkley: Cug, would you want to try getting in with the guy from the soul? Like, for height?

Cug: Um, okay.

Malcolm: Alright, all your’s, Cug.

Cug: Thanks. [taking the seat on the boat] So, I guess I’d be back here.

Brinkley: Yeah. And Joe would be in your lap, Cug.

Cug: So, like this?

Malcolm: Yeah. But that doesn’t make sense height wise, Cug.

Brinkley: Yeah. He is taller than you, Cug.

Fresian: Yeah. So, he should be behind you, Cug.

Cug: Okay. So, I’m in his lap?

Brett: Exactly, Cug.

Cug: Okay. [he puts the stuffed guy behind and he sits up front.] So, let me just get him around. So, it it like this?

Brinkley: Yeah, Cug.

Malcolm: Yeah. Then his arms are like a seatbelt, Cug.

Cug: Oh, okay. So, like this?

Brinkley: Yes. Are you comfortable, Cug?

Cug: I guess. But, I don’t want to hug the guy from soul. If someone else wants to take a spin? Soul guy going once, going twice,

All: No. No, pass.

Gate keeper: All parties here, folks?

All: Yes. Here we go.

Gate keeper: Have fun, Cug.

Cug: It’s Robert. I don’t know why they keep calling me that.

Sea Shanty

Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffat

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Regé-Jean Page

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Johnny Fitzlafet… Bad Bunny

Ship fielder… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching History channel. At nine, it’s “Trimming a Tyrant: Hitler’s Hairdresser”. But now, it’s “Songs of the Sea”

[Cut to show intro]

Male voice: Sea shanties may be the latest viral trend on TikTok, but they began as work songs on the square-rigged ships of the Age of Sail. Here’s a reenactment of a shanty sung abroad the whaling vessel, the SS Gillenpool.

[Cut to the show. There are men on a ship working and doing their parts.]

Andrew: [walking in with a backpack] Oh, the day has finally arrived. My first journey on a whaling ship.

Alex: Ha-ha! Look at him, all excited.

Beck: Still in short pants.

Bowen: Doesn’t have his sea legs.

Kenan: Oh, his curly hairs.

All: Laughing.

Rege: Ah! You’ll get the hang of it, Greenhorn.

Kyle: We sing to make the work easier.

Mikey: What do you say, boys?

Kenan: Heave-ho!

Rege: [singing] There once was a ship called the Fiddle Dee Dee
The ship has been about
103
we left our wives and we went to the sea
for we all love life on the waves

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro

for now we’re off to sea

Andrew: Oh, the life I’ve always dreamed. I’m living it.

Rege: We all are, boy. You’re lucky to find yourself aboard the finest vessel with the finest crew!

All: Yeah!

Rege: Tell him where we’re headed, boys.

Beck: [singing] First we go to Hawaii shore
then up to Alaska, then back to Hawaii
China, Brazil, then Alaska again
the trip takes eighteen months

Andrew: What?

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the meat is bugs and the beer is bugs
my will is bugs and my friends are bugs
and I’ll be eating my friends, Ho!

Andrew: That doesn’t sound fun at all.

Rege: Oh, trust me, boy, there’s nothing more fun than life on a boat. Right boys?

All: Yeah!

Kenan: [singing] Does anyone else not feel so good?
I’ve never been on a boat before
does it do this the whole time?
I’m going to go lay down

Mikey: I drank a bunch of salt water
and I don’t feel good and I feel really weird
and my stomach really hurts and I’m seeing ghosts
may I please go lay down?

Bowen: Crap, you guys, I got a splinter
we don’t have a cure for that
the only cure is cutting off your head
I guess I’m going to die

All: Ho-ho, we don’t have food
we can’t catch fish and we didn’t bring water
we also forgot the anchor, oops
does anyone know where we are? Ha!

Andrew: Wait, does anyone know where we are?

Rege: Of course. Just ask our navigator – Johnny Fitzlafet.

[Johnny Fitzlafet walks out]

Johnny Fitzlafet: Ola! The ocean is that way and that way and behind us and kind of all around.

Andrew: Do you even have a map?

Johnny Fitzlafet: Hell yeah, I got the map right here. [Johnny Fitzlafet pulls out a paper. He unrolls it. It’s a kid-made picture of a boat on a sea.] See? Look. We got the boat.

Andrew: Oh my god, we are gonna die.

Rege: No, we’re not. You’re on a safest vessel on the four seas.

Andrew: It’s seven.

Rege: Just ask the ship fielder himself.

[Ship fielder walks out]

Ship fielder: That’s right. I built this beauty myself. Side note, is it supposed to be wet below deck? There’s like, two feet of water. I spent so much time on the top, I might have forgot to build the floor.

Andrew: So, you don’t know how a boat works?

Ship fielder: Of course I do.

[singing] The ropes are attacked to the sails, I think
you pull this one and you move that one

the steering wheel, the something too
I left the life boats at home

All: Ho-ho, we’ll never come home,
we’re stuck out here and we’re all alone

our friends will eat our brittle bones
you’ll all get scurvy and die, ha!

Rege: Ha-ha! No better death than being eaten alive by your closest mates 45 minutes from shore.

Beck: A hero’s death.

Andrew: Yeah. I don’t think we have to kill each other yet. I can still see my wife.

Chris: Forget your wife, you’re sea’s now.

Ship fielder: There’s plenty of gorgeous wives on the seas.

Andrew: There is?

Kyle: Aye, no better wife than the hole in the whale.

Alex: I stuck a blanket in a little barrel. It’s in my bunk and it’s my wife.

Rege: And I took two jellyfish and wrapped them in a rubber band, and that’s my gorgeous squishy wife.

Johnny Fitzlafet: [showing his hand] This is my wife. I’m not creative like these guys.

Andrew: Are we going to go look for whales now?

Rege: Whales? What’s wrong with you boy? They’re all dead.

Andrew: Then what are we doing out here?

Rege: I think you know. We’re singing.

All: Ho-ho, the sea we go
the sails up high and the whales below
the wind will toss us to and fro
and all we’re off to sea

Whats Your Type

DJ Snizz… Ego Nwodim

Tampa Bay Janae… Cecily Strong

Kendra… Regina King

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Link… Mikey Day

[Starts with “What’s Your Type?” intro]

DJ Snizz: Hey, y’all. It’s what’s your type where we match a sexy single with her perfect man. Here’s your host, the girl who got famous by pulling her butt cheeks apart on snapchat, it’s Tampa Bay Janae.

[Tampa walks in]

Tampa: Yes. Boo for it, bitch. I’m famous. Y’all know me @tbayjanae Insta, and Miss Tampa Janae on Onlyfans, if you want to pay to see me naked. DJ Snizz, who’s today’s sexy single?

DJ Snizz: She’s a Marketing Supervisor from Oakland who’s 39 and half years old. It’s Kendra.

[Kendra walks in]

Tampa: Hey. How are you feeling, Kendra?

Kendra: I don’t love that you guys did my exact age, but I’m good.

Tampa: Hell, yeah. Now, based on Kendra’s side, we found three potential love matches. But she can only pick one for that hell of romantic date on us. So Kendra, tell us…

DJ Snizz and Tampa: What’s… Your…

Tampa: NO! Only me. It’s just me for this part. What’s… your… type?

Kendra: Well, I’m looking for a sure thing. A man that will worship me. That’s why I want a cringy white dude in his early 40s. Corny, awkward or douche, this freak likes to binge on cringe.

Tampa: Well Kendra, it was not hard to find three single cringy white dudes of a certain age. Let’s meet them. First, we got Matt Stainer.

Matt: Kendra, how psyched are you on Kamala Harris? I support strong women and if you don’t, shame on you. You should die.

DJ Snizz: [shaking her head no] I ain’t like that. Um-umm.

Kendra: That is some top-shelf cringe right there. Mama likey.

Tampa: You’re serious? Okay. Alright, next is Kevin Farkiss.

Kevin: Kendra, this song’s for you, my queen. Two, three, four.

[singing] say one, two, three
princess, kneel before you
just go ahead now and pick me
and I will adore you

Did I mention that I’m a musician? Thank you.

Kendra: Ooh, baby. Who wouldn’t like that?

Tampa: Well, looks like DJ Snizz didn’t love it. She looks like she’s in a Japanese horror movie right now.

Kendra: Well, Kevin has got it going on. Ding, I’m cooked. America, I’m officially in heat.

Tampa: At least someone is. And finally, meet Link Bronwin.

Link: Hello, Kindra. Happy black history month to you.

DJ Snizz: No. No, no, no. No.

Link: They told us to say something flirty here, but forgive me, I’m not the best at being flirty. Oh, I can feel my face getting red. I’m crushing and burning. I’ll be in here. [Link hides inside his sweater]

Kendra: Do me right now. [Kendra runs towards Link. Tampa stops her.]

Tampa: No, no, no. Come back. Not yet. Okay. Looks like you’re feeling link, huh?

Kendra: Um, Yeah. Can I do that? Oh, I’m a puddle right now.

Tampa: You are? Okay. Because I’m a desert. DJ Snizz hated it so much, she just melted like a witch from OZ. Well Kendra, now is your chance to get to know these guys better by asking a sexy question.

Kendra: Alright, boys. What do you think is your sexiest quality? Matt?

Matt: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the barriers broken down by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Rest in power.

Kendra: Put my tongue back in my mouth. Okay, I’m liking that dumb ass. Kevin, same question.

Kevin: My sexiest qualitae, I’m told me lips, but to find out, you’re just going to have to…

[singing] Kiss me, down by the broken tree house

Tampa: We have to pay money when you sing these songs. So please, stop.

Kendra: Link, what’s sexiest about you, baby?

Link: Hmm, my weiner. No. Just kidding. Probably my sense of humor. Jokes and stuffies. Impressions. [doing the impression] Uh-huh, I’m a French man, you escago! Oh, that bombed. Oh, no. Please get the camera off of me.

Kendra: Check please.

Tampa: Okay. I think I just got menopause. So, who’s it going to be, Kendra?

Kendra: I knew from the moment he made eye contact with me. Link. That weird man right there is king of cringe.

Tampa: Okay. Say hi to your guy, Link Bronwin.

Link: Yeah.

[Kendra and Link walk to each other]

Okay, I’m going to hug you now. [awkward movements and kisses her shoulder] I don’t know why I did that.

Kendra: That was as sexiest hug I’ve ever had. Please come with me, you cringy son of a bitch.

[Kendra takes Link to the backstage]

Tampa: Okay, well, have fun, lovebirds. When we come back, we got a performance by TikTok rapper, Lil’ Idiot.

70s Green Room

Maurice… Bowen Yang

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

Fliona… Regina King

Maxine… Aidy Bryant

Mickey… Kenan Thompson

Marty… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with two guys talking about the show in the studio back stage. It’s in Chicago, 1978.]

Maurice: Alright, Kenny. We have to make sure everything is perfect for Fliona show tonight. My job is the line. I have 14 strikes against me. And it’s 15 strikes system.

Kenny: Sounds complicated.

Maurice: Well, she’s very particular.

Kenny: Well, I’ve heard. Everyone has heard of Fliona.

Maurice: Shut up. Here she comes now. Go.

[Fliona walks in]

Fliona: Maurice, you have to got to get us a new tour bus driver. He tried to tell me about his family.

Maurice: I’m sorry, Fliona. That’s the last snafu of the night, I promise.

Fliona: Well good, coz I’m going to be doing all my moves tonight. The seatbelt, the funky turtle, the reach-around. So everything has got to be perfect. And dammit, I’m hungry.

Maurice: Well mama, it’s all good because I sent them your ride a weeks ago. And they got every snack on your list.

Fliona: Good. So they got my yellow M&Ms?

Maurice: No, they do not.

Fliona: What? What did they get? My Danishes?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: My big pizzas?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Little pizzas?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Shasta?

Maurice: No shasta.

Fliona: Sanka?

Maurice: No sanka.

Fliona: Cocuts?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Hot chops?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Baby carrot?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Grown carrot?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: What about my tuna twist?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Well, I know they got my big ham sandwich. But the ham is cue?

Maurice: Fliona, none of the food is here, Fliona.

Fliona: Well, what do they have?

Maurice: This tiny dry salad.

Fliona: Undressed? [Fliona slaps Maurice] Dammit, Maurice. I can’t have a repeat of Tucson. They forgot my shasta and my vocal cords are locked.

Maurice: I remember, Fliona. You know what? Let’s get you into hair and make up while I make this right. Maxine’s here. She’s all set up.

Maxine: Yep, I got everything on the list, Maurice sent me.

Fliona: Everything?

Maxine: Everything.

Maurice: So you got the afro-sheen?

Maxine: Don’t got it.

Maurice: Curl sticks?

Maxine: No.

Maurice: Curl cream?

Maxine: Nah-ah.

Maurice: Bobby pins?

Maxine: No.

Maurice: Shiny for lip?

Maxine: No way.

Maurice: Shiny for eye?

Maxine: No how.

Maurice: Shiny for cheek bone.

Maxine: Never.

Maurice: Okay, vaseline?

Maxine: Forgot.

Maurice: Aquanet?

Maxine: Forget.

Maurice: El-net?

Maxine: That’s what?

Maurice: Mascara?

Maxine: No ma’am.

Maurice: Perfume?

Maxine: I’ll give you one guess.

Fliona: Well, what did you bring, girl?

Maxine: A little brush.

Fliona: Dammit, Maxine. Slap Mourice. [Maxine slaps Fliona and runs out.] Maurice, this is feeling like Tucson all over again. And you know I wasn’t nominated for Disco Grammy this year.

Maurice: I know, Fliona. Will you feel better if you slap me again?

Fliona: Yes.

[Fliona slaps Maurice three times] [Mickey and Marty walk in. They are wearing leather jackets and are carrying guitars.]

Mickey: Ay, is this a bad time? I heard people are getting smacked in here.

Maurice: Fliona, this is Mickey and Marty. They’re the band for tonight.

Marty: It’s an honor to meet you, Ms. Fliona. We’re huge fans of your’s.

Fliona: Good. So, you must know all my songs. Right?

Mickey: Oh yeah, every one of them.

Fliona: “Disco Twilight”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Hot Band’s Child”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Nasty Christmas”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: What about “Beep Beep Hoo Hah It’s Me”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Beep Beep Ho Hey Look It’s Charice”?

Mickey: That one sounds familiar but no.

Fliona: Maurice, you are this close to strike 15.

Maurice: Well, you know what? Let’s just set up and we’ll teach the songs. Mickey, you brought the xylophone, right?

Mickey: You know I didn’t.

Maurice: Metronome?

Mickey: You know I won’t.

Maurice: Gramaphone?

Mickey: That’s an old sounding record player.

Maurice: Flute?

Mickey: I play bass.

Maurice: Fute?

Mickey: I play bass.

Maurice: Didgeridoo?

Mickey: What’s that?

Maurice: Flerdigurdi?

Mickey: You making fun of me?

Maurice: Theremin?

Mickey: If you get a cut on your leg, put some feramin on it.

Maurice: Kalimba?

Mickey: Who?

Maurice: Flier?

Mickey: You are.

Maurice: Maraca?

Mickey: Absolutely not.

Maurice: Just ready the drums.

Mickey: Yeah, I got those.

Maurice: Well great, where are they?

Mickey: Oh, you want them here?

Fliona: Well, what did you bring?

Marty: We brought bass and two amps.

Fliona: Dammit Maurice. [Mickey punches Maurice] Thank you, baby.

Mickey: No problem.

Maurice: Wait! You know what, Fliona? You don’t need all this stuff. Everything you need is inside of you. Baby, you’ve got it.

Fliona: You mean I’ve got talent?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: Style?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: Pretty arms?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: And then ass higher than Mount Kilimanjaro?

Maurice: Oh, yes.

Fliona: Okay, boys. Then let’s disco do this gig.

Kenny: Fliona, baby. You gotta go out there and do you thing. Anyone who’s anyone is in the crowd tonight.

Fliona: Who? Lil’ Jimmy?

Kenny: Yeah, Jimmy’s here.

Fliona: Really? What about Cletus Jones?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: John Wayne Brady?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Mrs. Perkins?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Pastor Chris?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Rabbi Shmooly?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Fliona?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: See? That’s me. I tricked you.

Kenny: Oh!

Super Bowl Pod

Heidi Gardner

Shel… Kyle Mooney

Brandon… Dan Levy

Dale… Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

PSY… Bowen Yang

[Starts with five friends getting ready to watch football in home. They’re all wearing masks.]

Heidi: It’s so good to see everyone.

Shel: I can’t believe we’re having a Super Bowl party.

Brandon: I know. Is this okay? Like, should we be doing this?

Dale: Well, I’ve been super safe.

Chris: Same here.

Shel: Me too.

Dale: So then, masks off?

[they all take their masks off]

Brandon: God, I feel so free.

Shel: We’ve all been so good. We deserve this.

Dale: Totally. We have. And full disclosure, not a big deal, Angie and I went to PF chains for her birthday. We ate outdoors. Relax.

Shel: That’s cool.

Brandon: You’re fine.

Chris: Man, I’ve been crazy with this covid stuff. I haven’t left my house at all. I mean, I have been to the grocery store and the laundromat.

Brandon: Yeah, of course. Food, clothes.

Chris: And obviously I’m still doing my wrestling club, so…

Dale: Yeah. But that’s just a group of what? 20-30 really nice guys?

Shel: Wrestling a few nights guys, dude, you’re good.

Heidi: Yeah. I mean, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Exactly. I haven’t hung out with anyone outside of my pod in almost a year.

Brandon: Oh my gosh, I feel you. I’m on quarantine burnout.

Dale: Yeah. It’s just me, my wife, my brother… his wife, obviously their neighbor, his brother, my grandparents and their nursing home. Oh, and I go into work.

Brandon: Sorry. What is it that you do again?

Dale: I’m a mouth masseuse. I massage mouths.

Shel: Oh, that’s fine. I mean, you’re not kissing them, right?

Dale: Just hello and goodbye. And sometimes while I massage them.

Brandon: Yeah, but that’s work. We are doing everything right.

Heidi: Yeah. I don’t understand how people are still getting sick.

Chris: Well see, the problem is they’re going out and doing normal activities like seeing friends and stuff.

All: So stupid.

Brandon: So disgusting. What about you, Shel? Single guy over there? You look lonely and depressed.

Shel: Absolutely. Of course, now it’s all about zoom dating. For me, it’s just too awkward. So, I’ve been having raw dog sex with the strangers in the park.

Heidi: Outside with air, you’re fine.

Brandon: Yeah. For me, it’s just been Netflix, Netflix and more Netflix.

Chris: What have you been watching?

Brandon: Oh, no. For meetings, I’m flying all over LA, London, Brazil.

Shel: Well, you got the vaccine, didn’t you?

Brandon: Oh, yeah. Actually, I’ve got it. I’ve got it right here. [showing the vaccine in it’s small container]

Heidi: Are you gonna take it?

Brandon: Yeah. I mean, I take it everywhere I go.

Shel: Great thinking, Brandon.

Chris: Hey, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Who’s hungry for my famous chilly? [everybody get excited] Because of covid, I don’t want to share utensils.

Brandon: Totally. Let’s be smart. Actually, I have some– Let’s just do this.

[Brandon sprays sanitizer on everyone’s hands. Then they all start eating with their hands sharing the food bowl.]

Heidi: Oh, look who became a chef. Yeah. I went viral on TikTok.

Chris: What? For dancing?

Heidi: No. For fit non-pudding.

Dale: Oh, TikTok. All the little videos.

Heidi: Dale. Did you spice this chilly?

Dale: Yeah, of course. It’s my famous chilly.

Heidi: Because I can’t really taste it.

Brandon: I can’t really smell it either.

Chris: Do you guys think that–

Shel: No. Dude, we’ve been doing everything right.

Heidi: We need a hug.

All: Yeah.

Dale: Hey, remember hug?

[they all hug each other.] [the lights turn dark. Anthony Fauci walks in front of them at the spot light.]

Anthony Fauci: Hi, I’m Dr. Fauci. Right now you’re probably feeling like most Americans. Bored, horny and borderline nuts. I know I am. But what you just saw is the wrong way to Super Bowl. That’s why I partnered with Cheetos and durex condoms to remind you to Super Bowl responsibly. At home, in a mask, lights off, no friends.  #ThisIsHowWeSuperBowl. [PSY walks in] And to help spread my messages, my good friend Kpop superstar PSY.

PSY: Covid Super Bowl

[starts singing like his song “Gangnam Style]

Co-co-co-co-covid Super Bowl

Weekend Update Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese on New York City

Michael Che

Fran Lebowitz… Bowen Yang

Martin Scorsese… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced this week that the New York city could open indoor dining by mid February. Here to comment are the stars of the Netflix show  “Pretend It’s a City”, Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese.

[Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese slide in]

Fran Lebowitz: Here we are!

Michael Che: How are you doing, Fran and Martin? It’s an honor to have you both here.

Fran Lebowitz: Please. I’ve been so bored at home, I was about to get married to my cufflinks. Let me tell you, I’ve done so many interviews in front of audiences, I have squatter’s rights at the 92nd street wide, okay?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: Well, I love the series because it’s the two of you just sitting and talking and Marty just losing his mind.

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Fran Lebowitz: That’s right. They asked me my range and I said I can sit and I can sit down. And the people who went to these talks, they were children. They asked me should I be a writer, should I be a film maker? I say, “No, you should be something useful. Be a piece of melon wrapped in prosciutto.”

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: And that’s your advice?

Fran Lebowitz: What? Martin loves it.

Michael Che: Yeah, Martin seems to love everything you do. Martin, how is it shooting with Fran?

[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Okay, well, Fran, do you think New York is doing right now good? Is it doing okay?

Fran Lebowitz: Ah, I love it. It’s the worst. Disgusting. I’ll never move. My friends, they’re inviting me to their backyards where socially distanced gatherings, the only outro gathering I go to is the taxi line at JFK. You know why? They let you smoke. Okay?[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Martin, you still into this? [Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly] Yeah.[Martin Scorsese laughs weirdly]

Michael Che: You’re a real New Yorker through and through, Fran.

Fran Lebowitz: Yes, yes. You’re right. You’re right. But hey, remember when everyone in New York city had a machete?

Michael Che: No.

Fran Lebowitz: It used to be, you would go on a subway and you would look at a man’s machete or his penis. Now, everybody’s looking at their phones. You know why? Because there’s nothing to look at. And what’s Dwayne weed?

Martin Scorsese: [out of breath laughing] You’re so funny.

Fran Lebowitz: Kids are so short nowadays, you know why? You can’t smoke in bars anymore.

Michael Che: I don’t think that’s why.

Fran Lebowitz: Gender doesn’t exist anymore, you know why? Ed Koch died.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he pulls off his eyebrows.]

Michael Che: Did he just laugh his eyebrows off?

Fran Lebowitz: Martin, listen to this. I was walking down the street the other day and you know what occurred to me? Emotional support animals.

[Martin Scorsese is laughing so hard, he falls off his seat]

Michael Che: Oh my god!

Fran Lebowitz: Martin’s off the chair. Time to go.

Michael Che: Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese, everybody!

Fran Lebowitz: Taxi! Taxi!

Ratatouille

Chloe Fineman

John Krasinski

Rattitue… Kyle Mooney

Bugatue… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

[Starts with a man and a woman on a bed]

Chloe: Wow. That was incredible.

John: Yeah?

Chloe: I gotta be honest, my expectations were really low considering you insisted on wearing your top hat the whole time. But seriouly, that was amazing.

John: Oh, thanks.

Chloe: What’s your secret?

John: Look, I’ll tell you. But just promise you won’t freak out.

Chloe: I promise.

John: Okay. Well, you know how I said I studied abroad in Paris? I met someone there. You know what? Maybe it’s better if I just dhow you.

[John opens his hat. There’s a rat on his head. The rat is wearing a chef hat.]

Rattitue: Hi. My name is Rattitue.

John: He’s the one who controls me while we’re having sex.

Chloe: I don’t understand.

Rattitue: I can explain. You see, once upon a time, I learned to be a famous chef by studying a cookbook from cover to cover. Then one day, I discovered an even better book called Hustler Magazine.

John: So, what do you think?

Chloe: Well, it’s unusual.

John: You’re telling us.

Rattitue: Yeah.

Chloe: Well, I guess it’s not that weird and the important thing I that now I know the truth.

John: Yeah. Now, you know everything.

Rattitue: Well, not everything.

John: What do you mean, Rattitue?

Rattitue: Well, there is no easy way of saying this. So, I might just as well show you.

[Rattitue opens his chef hat. There’s a bug on his head.]

Bugatue: Hey, I’m Bugatue. You know where a veteran can get a massage around here?

John: I’m sorry. What do you do exactly?

Bugatue: Oh. I do something very simple and very important. I can look ta a disc and immediately identify if it’s a DVD, blu ray or a PS2 game.

John: And how often does that happen?

Bugatue: You’d be surprised. Never.

John: Oh. Looks like we don’t need you anymore.

[John flicks the bug away]

Bugatue: Oh, flicked again. That’s a bug’s life.

John: [to Chloe] So, do you still love me?

Chloe: Just promise me one thing. Never lose that rat.

John: Deal. Hey, Rattitue, start yanking.

Rattitue: Ah, hell yeah! Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Pete. He has a typewriter in front of him.]

Pete: In all my years as a sex critic, I have never seen such enthusiasm in the bedroom. As I watched my neighbors have sex through a telescope, it rocked me to my core. I give them two thumbs up. And as for me, I’m headed down to the subway with a bag full of shredded mozzarella to lure and capture my very own sex rat.