Criminal Mastermind

Alex Moffat

Slate… Beck Bennett

Jack… Benedict Cumberbatch

Cecily Strong

Ron… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with two people getting inside a warehouse. There’s a bomb ticking sound.]

Alex: I hear it! Over here.

[Alex takes a sheet away and there’s a bomb]

Slate: Oh! How before this thing turns this place into the inside of cuisinart?

Alex: I don’t know.

[phone rings] [Slate answers the phone]

Slate: Hello.

Male voice: Gals and boys come out to play, if the moon does shine as bright as day

Slate: Who is this?

[Cut to Jack speaking on the phone]

Jack: Hello, Slate. You may call me Jack. I’ll tell you a story about Jack and Nori and now my story has begun. I’ll tell you another about Jack’s brother and now my score is done. Would you like to play a game, Slate?

Slate: Do I have a choice?

Jack: Next to you is 600 grams of C4 explosive and I hold the detonator . If you want me to deactivate it, answer my query. Johnny’s mother had three children. One was April, one was May, as well the name of the other child only you can say. You have 60 seconds.

[Jack hangs up. Jack is with Cecily and Ron]

I gave them 60 seconds.

Cecily: It’s cool

[Jack, Cecily and Ron are waiting awkwardly]

Ron: Um, you guys have seen Stranger Things? It’s cool. I hear it’s actually based on true story.

Jack: Ron, I swear to god. If you mention–[phone ringing] [answering the phone] Yes?

Slate: It’s Johnny. You said Johnny’s mother had three children, so the third child is Johnny himself.

Jack: Bravo, Slate. I can see killing you will be harder than I thought. But it seems you forgot about the case of ammonium nitrate I left in your car, outside the school!

Slate: You can’t do that. There’s kids in there.

Jack: They won’t be for long, unless you listen carefully because I’ll only say this once. There is a word, a wonderous word, six letters it contains, take one away from the word and twelve is what remains. You have 60 seconds. [hangs up the phone]

Pretty good, right?

Cecily: Can I ask you something? Don’t get mad. But, do you have to do the riddles?

Jack: What? If I don’t do the riddles, I’m just a common thief. You know, and we all like riddles. Right?

Cecily: No. Yes, people definitely like them. I don’t know if we need them.

Ron: What- What if there were like, pictures?

Jack: And what would that look like, Ron?

Ron: I don’t know. Or what if you had– what if you had to guess how much candy was in a jar?

Jack: Look, I don’t tell you how to do the chlorine. You don’t tell me that– [phone ringing] [answering the phone] Yes.

Slate: Dozens. Plural. Take away the S and you have Dozen.

Jack: You have quite the ear, Slate. Ha-ha-ha-ha. [covers the phone] He got it! But he won’t get this one. [speaking on the phone] I knew you would be a worthy opponent but the game is not over.

[shutting sounds]

Slate: What was that?

Alex: The exists are locked.

Jack: I just locked every door in the warehouse. You have ten minutes to leave, or answer the following. If you please, I’m full of keys, but cannot open a door–

Slate: [interrupting] A piano.

[Jack is speechless]

Jack: Um, yea, yea. Very well then, I’ll always come but never arrive today–

Slate: [interrupting] Tomorrow. What is Tomorrow.

[Jack is speechless]

Jack: Correct. Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Slate: Spongebob.

Jack: I give up the damn score!

Slate: But we were playing a game. This is fun! Give me another one!

Cockpit

Sully Sullenberger… Tom Hanks

Air hostess… Sasheer Zamata

Doug Hubbard… Alec Baldwin

Dani… Kyle Mooney

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with a video clip of an airplane]

Female voice: Now boarding American Airlines flight 809, nonstop to Seattle, Tacoma.

[Cut to the cockpit. Sully is sitting down. Air Hostess enters the cockpit.]

Air Hostess: Good morning.

Sully: Good morning.

Air Hostess: Oh my god! You’re Sully Sullenberger.

Sully: Um-hmm.

Air Hostess: You landed that plane in the Hudson river. You saved all those people’s lives.

Sully: Yeah, well, I guess I did what I had to do.

Air Hostess: I didn’t know you were flying again.

Sully: Yeah, I took some time off to write a book. But, um, I’m ready to get back to just being a captain again.

Air Hostess: Well, it’s an honor sir. Let me know if you need anything at all.

Sully: Thank you much.

[Hubbard walks in and Air Hostess walks out]

Hubbard: Howdy there?

Sully: Morning, come on in. [not looking at Hubbard]

Hubbard: Whoops, I’m sorry. I think I’m in that seat.

Sully: What’s that? The captain’s chair?

Hubbard: Yeah, I’m sorry. I think according to the rotation sheet, I’m the captain on this route.

Sully: [talking to the management] Tower, this is American 809. Looks like we got ity-bity typo on our rotation sheet. Can you confirm our captain roster please?

Male voice: Copy 809, we have captain Doug, um, Hubbard as first in command.

Sully: Um, tower, this is American 809, I’m Sully.

Male voice: Come again, 809?

Sully: I am Sully. Sully. Miracle on the Hudson? So?

Male voice: Copy. You haven’t flown in a while Sullenberger. So, FAA requires 18 hours as second in command. You will be assisting captain Hubbard today.

Sully: Well, to-to-tower? Tower? Well, right!

[Sully leaves the seat for Hubbard. they seat in their seats. Sully is very disappointed.]

Hubbard: Tower, this is 809. We’re fueled up and ready for pre-check.

Male voice: Copy that captain. We’ve got you on runway two-two.

Hubbard: Runway two-two. Copy.

Sully: Runway two-two. Copy.

[Hubbard looks at Sully]

You know, your wind-speed isn’t set yet?

Hubbard: Well, I was about to.

Sully: Okay. [silence for a moment] Yep! I’ll never forget that day.

Hubbard: Yeah, crazy. [Talking to the passengers] Good morning, folks. This is your captain.

Sully: And I am Sully.

Hubbard: It should be a pretty smooth ride today.

Sully: Hero of the Hudson.

Hubbard: Weather in Seattle is 77 degrees. So, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight.

Sully: Brace for impact. Just kidding.

[Hubbard is annoyed] [Cut to plane flying] [Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: I know Ellen.

Hubbard: What?

Sully: Degeneres. Sweet gal. Funny.

Hubbard: Cool.

Sully: It is.

[Cut to plane flying] [Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: Have you seen Sully?

Hubbard: I have not.

Sully: Oh, it’s about me.

Hubbard: Is that right?

Sully: Yep. [showing Hubbard his watch] Apple watch. Free. They just sent it to me. I mean, I don’t care about this kind of stuff. Do you have one?

Hubbard: Um, I don’t.

Sully: Hah!

[Cut to plane flying] [Cut to the cockpit. Air hostess walks in with 4 and Vanessa.]

Air Hostess: Excuse me fellas, this kid wants to meet his hero in the cockpit. I said you two wouldn’t mind.

Sully: No, no. Of course now. Come on in buddy.

Vanessa: Um, captain Hubbard, we heard you’re a veteran. You served in desert storm?

Hubbard: I did.

Vanessa: Go ahead, Dani.

Dani: Thank you for your service.

Hubbard: Well, thank you for being such a nice young man.

Sully: I’m Sully.

Vanessa: What?

Sully: Oh, oh. Okay, I see. He was in the army. Oh, quick, get this guy on Camel.

[Cut to flying plane] [Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: I’m gonna go 30.

Hubbard: Um, the wind’s out of the south-west. I think we better do 35.

Sully: Ah-ah! I think 30 is good.

Hubbard: Hey, man. Do you have some kind of problem with me?

Sully: No. I think you’re great. [pointing away] Hey, what is the vlearn selector there?

Hubbard: Let me see. [Hubbard looks away.] [Sully turns both the yokes to the left. Alarm is ringing.]

Sully: [acting like he got it on control] I got her. I got her. Good thing I was here.

Hubbard: Folks, I’m captain. I’m sorry about that.

Sully: Sully saved everyone.

Hubbard: Just some accidental turrulance.

Sully: Yes, Sully did it again.

Hubbard: Seat belt sign is on.

Sully: We are headed for the Hudson.

Hubbard: No we’re not. Please remain seated.

Sully: We are going down.

Hubbard: We’re fine.

Sully: We just hit bird.

Hubbard: No we didn’t.

Sully: I’m turning on the APU.

[The End]

Short Film

Host… Alex Moffat

Emily Blunt

Vanessa Bayer

Andrew… Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Host speaking on the stage]

Host: Hello. Welcome to the 16th Annual AnnArbor Short Film Festival. Um, so tonight we’ve got a really special one for you. I think you’re gonna love it. Also, stick around after the screening for a Q&A with the cast and crew. And now, without any further due, I present Qua.

[The movie starts] [Emily is looking herself at the mirror. She looks sad.] [Cut to Emily running from something. She falls and looks back. It turns out she is running away from herself.]

Emily: [scared] It’s me.

[Cut to Host clapping on the stage]

Host: Now, please help me welcome the cast and crew of Qua.

[Cut to the audience. All of them except one stands up and walk to the stage.]

Come on up, guys. Yeah, awesome. Very cool. Excellent. Yeah, congrats guys. Cool. Thank you all for being here. Alright. And um, I gotta say, truly stunning work. Okay, let’s just jump right in and get some audience questions.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience. There is a mic.]

Vanessa: Oh. I guess I’ll go. Um, good job everybody. Um, what was that all about?

[Cut to the stage. Andrew takes the mic.]

Andrew: Um, for me I guess it’s sort of about just the holocaust.

[Cecily takes the mic]

Cecily: Oh, yeah, sorry. Um, and just a piggy back off of what Andrew said, it’s also about like, “Yeah, why do we wear make up?”

[Beck takes the mic]

Beck: Yeah, right. But at the end of the day, it’s also comedy.

Host: Okay, great. Um, let’s take another question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Okay. Um, I’ll go again. Um, for the actress I guess, did you get to do any improv on set?

[Cut to the stage]

Emily: Oh. [she takes the mic] Yeah, that was a great question. There wasn’t a ton of improv coz you know, it was such a great script. But I did get to improv a few little things like, you know, the part where I said, “It’s me.” You know, that was improvised. And then you know that part where I was running and I fell down, that was also improvised. And then, the part where I was in the bathroom, that was all improv. But other than that, it was really, really scripted.

Host: Okay. Let’s take one more question.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: Dammit. Oh, um, what were some of your influences for this movie?

[Cut to the stage. Mikey gets the mic.]

Mikey: Um, I guess for me, I’d say Richard Linklater and Charlie Kaufman.

Beck: Yeah, for me I definitely say Charlie Kaufman and Richard Linklater. Yeah.

Kate: I guess for me it was sort of the combination of Richard Linklater and also Charlie Kaufman.

Aidy: And for me, it was the British Office.

Host: Okay. So, we have time for 10 to 15 more questions. Yes, miss.

[Cut to Vanessa sitting alone at the audience.]

Vanessa: I guess, can you tell me about the music. And also, you don’t need to pass the mic if that will make this go faster.

Kenan: No, we don’t mind.

Emily: Um, this is actually a really cool story. The music was supposed to be an original song by Alicia Keys.

Host: Oh, that’s cool.

Emily: Yeah, yeah. But then, um, right before we started shooting we realized that none of us had Alicia’s email or anything. So, we couldn’t do that.

Host: Now, I gotta jump in here. Um, obviously there was a lot of symbolism in the movie.

All: Yeah.

Host: Does anyone have any questions about the symbolism? Um, yes you, putting on your coat and purse.

[Cut to Vanessa getting ready to leave]

Vanessa: Oh! Yes, um, can you talk about the number 3s that were all over the woods.

[Cut to the stage]

Kenan: [gets the mic] Thanks a lot. I’m sorry, what 3s?

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: There were huge number 3s all over the woods in that woods scene?

[Cut to the stage. All the members are looking at each other’s faces confused.]

Kenan: I have no idea what you are talking about.

Host: Okay. We’re almost out of time. But real quick, why don’t we go down the line and just say what you’re working on now.

Aidy: Nothing.

Kenan: Nothing for me.

Kate: I’m doing some grocery shopping later today.

Mikey: Um, I’m doing nothing.

Beck: Nothing for me.

Cecily: Um, I’m going camping. Not this weekend but next.

Andrew: Um, I’m also doing nothing.

Emily: Um, I’m in ‘the Girl On the Train’ which is out in threatres right now.

Host: Oh, fun. Cool.

[The End]

Hamster

Mom… Aidy Bryant

PJ… Kyle Mooney

Alice… Kate McKinnon

James… Beck Bennett

Emily Blunt

Alex Moffat

[Starts with Mom talking to PJ ]

Mom: Aw, honey. What’s going on, PJ? You’ve been staring at your hamster cage for gosh, an hour now.

PJ : Ever since we put in the new guys, the old ones are being really mean.

Mom: Um, okay. Well, the lady at Petco said that they might fight a little but that they’ll work it out.

PJ : I don’t know mom. It’s pretty bad.

[Cut to the hamsters]

Alice: He can’t get it up. Did he tell you that?

James: Hmm, you’re drunk. You’re a drunk hamster Alice. A drunk hamster.

Alice: How else could I survive living in this pathetic little cage with you?

James: Oh, you want a big cage, Alice? Go on. Go back to Harrow.

Alice: Oh, again with the damn guinea pig.

James: Um, he has a big cage. Isn’t that what you like, Alice? Big expensive things.

[Cut to Emily and Alex]

Emily: Oh my, it is getting late. I think we have to head on home.

Alex: Yes, thank you for the evening. We’ll see ourselves out.

Alice: Oh, no, no. But stay, dinner is almost ready.

James: Yeah, it’s almost burnt to a crisp.

Alice: It’s pallet roast, James. It’s refined.

Emily: You know, we actually have a toilet paper roll in home to finish. So we should…

Alex: Oh, yes. Thanks for the offer.

James: Hmm, I’d like to off her.

Alice: What was that coward?

James: I’d like to off you.

[Cut to PJ and his mom ]

PJ : I think we should get another cage.

Mom: Well, maybe you just need to feed them, right? Maybe they’re just hungry.

PJ : I don’t know. It still feels really tense.

[PJ  puts in some food for the hamsters.] [Cut to the hamsters eating.]

Emily: Um, James, so what do you do for work?

James: Well, I used to be in sales but now I’m mostly working on pulling in that sock from the side of the cage.

[Cut to a sock stuck at the cage]

Emily: Oh, that’s fascinating. How wonderful–

Alice: [mocking] Oh, that’s fascinating, is it? Ha-ha! What I wouldn’t give these 12 weeks olds again. Just a wide eyed easily impressed little floosy.

Alex: Now, wait a minute.

James: Oh, that’s enough.

Alice: Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot we’re all lying to ourselves tonight.

Emily: Alice, please. We’re all neighbors. I thought we might as well get to know each other.

Alice: Oh, you would like to get to know my husband, wouldn’t you Ms. Fluffy? Can’t keep your lies off his tail.

James: Not everyone is as sick as you, Alice.

Alice: Oh! I’m sick?

James: You’re sick.

Alice: How am I sick?

James: Oh, you want me to tell you how you’re sick?

Alice: Tell me. Tell me how I am sick.

James: Oh, you’re sick coz you’re scared. You’re always running. Running on that wheel. Trying to run away from something but you can’t run away from yourself, Alice. It eats you up inside.

[Alice claps]

Alice: I had no idea you were a poet, James. Here I thought you were just a choir.

[Cut to PJ and his mom ]

Mom: Okay, you know what PJ? I think you might be right.

PJ : I told you. That older one keeps playing mind games with our new.

Mom: I know. They’re just– they’re going in circles and I can’t take it.

PJ : We have to put a stop to this. Or they will.

Mom: Alright, I’ll get a bucket.

[Cut to the hamsters]

Alice: Go ahead. Hit me.

James: You want me to hit you?

Alice: Oh, go on and hit me.

James: You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Alice: Oh, I’m not a man. Hit me.

James: Oh, get nice black eye to show your friends?

Alice: He doesn’t have the tail to hit me.

[James hits Alice]

Ou! That wasn’t so hard, was it?

James: Your’e a poison. You’re toxic. You’re sick.

Emily: Stop it. Stop it. Listen to yourselves. So much hatred. We have a short time on this earth before we’re buried in a New Balance shoe box. Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company?

James: She ate our babies, you know? All eight of them.

Alice: I was hungry.

[Cut to PJ and his mom . Mom is holding a bucket]

Mom: Okay, let’s get those newer guys out of there.

PJ : Oh, silence mother. What do you know about pets?

Mom: Okay. These are all going back and you can have a dog.

PJ : Awesome, baby!

Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Town Hall Debate Cold Open

Martha Raddatz… Cecily Strong

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Patrice Brock… Leslie Jones

Ken Karpawoods… Beck Bennett

James Carter… Michael Che

Ken Bone… Bobby Moynihan

Carl Becker… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro] [Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper in their set]

Martha Raddatz: Hello and welcome to the second and worst ever presidential debate. I’m Martha Raddatz.

Anderson Cooper: And I’m Anderson Cooper. And before we begin, we just need to do one last thing.

[Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper takes a shot of tequila.]

Martha Raddatz: Ah, much better. Now let’s get this nightmare started. Please help us welcome the candidates. Republican nominee Donald Trump and can we say this yet?

Anderson Cooper: Probably fine.

Martha Raddatz: President Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to the stage. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk in to their chairs.] [cheers and applause] [Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk to the middle and then start staring at each other and walking around.] [Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Okay, thank you both for being here.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you for having me. I’d like to begin tonight by attempting a casual lean. [Hillary Clinton leans on the chair that she’s supposed to sit on] Got it!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, tonight I’m going to do three things. I’m going to huff. I’m going to puff. And I’m going to blow this whole thing.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Now, tonight’s debate is a town hall which means we’ll be taking questions from voters in the audience. They are undecided, uncommitted and not remotely camera ready.

Anderson Cooper: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. Your question comes from Patrice Brock.

[Cut to Patrice Brock in the audience]

Patrice: Hello. My question is do you feel that you’re modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, Patrice. Let me start by walking over to you just as I practiced. [walking near Patrice] Right, left, right, left. Speak. Now, Patrice, you’re a teacher?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You have kids?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You like kids?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You’ve seen kids?

Patrice: Yeah.

Hillary Clinton: Okay, great. We’re bonding already. Oh, my friend Patrice. Patrice, I strive to be a positive role model for all children. Children like my daughter Chelsea and my granddaughter Chelsea Jr.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Trump, same question. Do you feel like your’e modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. Next.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: So, you don’t care about the kids?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, I love the kids. I love them so much I’d marry them. I’ve been helping kids my whole life and in 1992 I helped a kid named Kevin McCallister to find the hotel lobby. You might remember the documentary Home Alone II: Lost in New York.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Okay. Moving on, Mr. Trump, we received a lot of questions online about the audio tape that was released last week bragging about sexually assaulting women.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, what I said is nothing compared to what Bill Clinton has done, okay? He has abused women and Martha, Anderson, hold on to your nips and your nuts because four of those women are here tonight. Four of them.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Wait, I’m sorry, who’s here? [sobbing and mocking] Mistresses? Bill, how could you? I would like to water the debate, now I’ll never be able to remember my facts and figures now. Oh, Donald, no! Get real. I’m made of steal. This is nothing. Hi girls.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, she is trying to silence these women but they need to be respected. They need their voices heard.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: What about the all the women accusing you of sexual assault?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: They need to shut the hell up.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Alright, let’s move on. Our next question is from Ken Karpawoods.

[Cut to Ken Karpawoods in the audience]

Ken: Thank you, I’ve got the boring one. The affordable care act is not affordable. What will you do to bring the cost down and make coverage better?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, Ken, that’s a great question. I agree that Obamacare can be improved Ken, but it does have it’s benefits. [Donald Trump walks behind Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know it.] Number one, insurance companies can’t deny your coverages because of preexisting condition. [Donald Trump slowly walks near Hillary Clinton as she speaks] Number two, no lifetime limits which, you know, is a big deal if you have serious health problem. And number three– [Donald Trump runs behind Hillary Clinton and gets back to his place. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know about it.] Sorry, I thought I– And number three, women can’t be charged– [Donald Trump pass walks behind Hillary Clinton again. Hillary Clinton is looking around having no idea what’s going on.] Thought I– Women can’t be charged more than men for health insurance. Okay? And number four–

[Donald Trump jumps in and shouts at the mic. Hillary Clinton gets scared.] [Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Okay, let’s take another question. This one comes from James Carter.

[Cut to James Carter in the audience.]

James: Good evening, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, no!

[Cut to James]

James: My question is do you believe you can be a devoted president to all the people?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That is a great question, Denzel. Thank you for this question about the inner cities.

[Cut to James]

James: My name is James and I didn’t ask anything about no inner cities.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: The inner cities are a mess, okay? Just last month I was in Detroit and everywhere I looked, there were violent, crazy people and lot of them had guns. And they were screaming horrible things like, “Trump for president.”

[Cut to James]

James: I think you were at one of your own rallies.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, this black man is attacking me. Also, speaking of black men, you know who else should be in jail? Hillary Clinton. She has committed so many crimes, she is basically a black.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Secretary Clinton? Do you wish to respond to that?

[cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No, cool. Because as my best friend Michelle Obama once said, when they go low, you go high. God, I love that quote. Almost as memorable as when I said, “Trumped up trickled down economy.” Just a couple of equally famous quotes from a couple of equally lovable women.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Alright, and now since everyone has been so good, it’s time for a special treat.

Anderson Cooper: That’s right. Ladies and gentlemen, [drums rolling] put your hands together for the one and only, Mr. Ken Bone.

[Cut to Ken Bone] [cheers and applause]

Ken Bone: You all ready for this?

[music starts playing and Ken Bone starts dancing.] [Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Oh my god, he is so cute.

Anderson Cooper: I really needed that right now.

Martha Raddatz: No, wait. Ken, you’re not gonna turn out to be a weird little creep or anything are you?

[Cut to Ken Bone]

Ken Bone: Maybe.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: God! We can’t have anything nice.

Anderson Cooper: Oh well. Well, we have time for one final question and it comes from Carl Becker.

[Cut to Carl Becker in the audience]

Carl: Good evening. My question is for Hillary. Tonight Donald Trump said you should be in jail. He said you have hate in your heart and he followed you around the stage like a shark. So my question is, what do you like about him?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, this one’s actually easy. Donald Trump and I disagree on almost everything but I do like how generous he is. Just last Friday, he handed me this election.

[Hillary Clinton starts showing some dance moves] [Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Trump, one thing you like about Secretary Clinton?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like that she’s a fighter and that she doesn’t give up. Which is why I need all my supporters to get out there and vote on election day, mark your calendars, write it down. Here is the day, it’s November 35th.

[Hillary Clinton jumps in.]

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Wells Fargo Wagon

Winthrop… Kyle Mooney

Mason… Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Mikey Day

Lin-Manuel Miranda

Sally… Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

[Starts with The Music Man intro]

Announcer: You’re watching The Music Man on Turner Classis Movies. So either you’re an old woman or a young gay man.

[Cut to Winthrop running to Mason and Aidy]

Winthrop: Mason! Mason!

Mason: Why, hello there Winthrop.

Winthrop: [speaking while spitting everywhere] When do you think us kids are going to receive our musical instruments?

Aidy: Oh, I guess Winthrop still working on that lisp.

[Cut to Winthrop getting angry]

Winthrop: Say it to my face, bitch!

Mason: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [Cut to all] Okay, easy Winthrop. I think everyone’s just a little excited about these instruments. [bell ringing] Oh, and listen that could be them arriving right now.

[Cut to Cecily dancing and singing]

Cecily: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

[Cut to Kenan and Sasheer walking in]

Kenan: Oh, please let it be for me

Sasheer: Oh, oh, oh, Well’s Fargo Wagon is coming down the street 

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: I wish, I wish I knew what it could be

[Kate walks in]

Kate: I got a box of sugar on my birthday

Aidy: In March I got a grey macintos 

[Cut to 8, Kenan and Sasheer]

Mikey: And once I got some great fruits from Tampa

All: Oho, the Wells Fargo Wagon is coming down the street

Oh please let it be for me

[Cut to Winthrop]

Winthrop: It could be something for someone who is no relation

[Cut to all]

All: Or it could be something very, very special now just for me

[The wagon arrives and everyone is excited.]

Lin-Manuel: Well, hello River city.

Winthrop: Our instruments.

Sally: Do you have my clarinet?

Pete: Yeah, what about my flute or whatever?

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Wells Fargo’s got something even better than instruments. They’re called bank accounts. And I’m giving everyone at least three of them.

Pete: Yeah! Wait, what?

Lin-Manuel: That’s right. Everyone gets a bank account. What’s your name son?

Winthrop: Winthrop.

Lin-Manuel: Okay, what’s your name?

Sally: Sally.

Lin-Manuel: I’ve got an accounted for you, Sally. And for your dog.

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Mason: Um, sir, I don’t think these children or their dogs need bank accounts.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Oh, sure they do. In fact this whole town needs bank account. Like you sir, and you ma’am, and this skinny gentleman over here.

[He’s pointing at the mailbox]

Kate: That’s a mailbox!

[Cut to the children and Lin-Manuel]

Pete: Why are you doing this, sir?

Lin-Manuel: Do you know what a code is kid? A code is a target I need to hit or I’m a dead man. So, what do you say? Do you want to kill me? Or do you want to shut up and get a credit card?

[Cut to the children]

Winthrop: But sir, you’re threatening customers. Isn’t that fraud?

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Is it little frog? No, it’s a credit card.

[Cut to Winthrop]

Winthrop: I said fraud. I think you heard me say frog.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel looking around]

Lin-Manuel: Everybody hates this kid, right?

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Aidy: Well, I think the boy is right.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Yes, if Wells Fargo keeps doing this, they’re going to get in trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble with the camp–

[Lin-Manuel slaps Kenan]

Lin-Manuel: Can you shut the hell up? You don’t understand the pressure I’m in. These Wells Fargo are jackals. As the matter of fact, they took my daughter.

[Cut to Mason and Aidy]

Mason: No, they didn’t.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: Okay, you got me. Sales technique. But come on. You got to help me out on this. If I have to face my boss tomorrow with nothing, I shall poopie my pants.

[Winthrop approaches Lin-Manuel]

Winthrop: Hey, Mr., I’ll take one bank account please.

Lin-Manuel: Wow, I was all wrong about you kid. You’re a real pal. That’s why I’m also gonna give you something called an exploding mortgage. That sounds pretty cool, huh?

Winthrop: It sure does. [spitting on Lin-Manuel]

Lin-Manuel: You gotta learn how to talk man. I’m like, drenched.

[music playing]

Winthrop: It could be something for someone with no relation

Lin-Manuel: Or it could be…

All: Yes, it could be, yes you’re right, it sure could be

Lin-Manuel: Oh, and on the way in I ran over three kids.

All: Just for me.

Winthrop: Wells Fargo, sorry.

Stranger Things

Ross Duffer… Mikey Day

Matt Duffer… Alex Moffat

Mike… Kyle Mooney

Dustin… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Lucas… Sasheer Zamata

Mom… Leslie Jones

Dad… Kenan Thompson

Will’s mom… Melissa Villaseńor

Eleven… Kate McKinnon

Jim Hopper… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Netflix: Behind The Scenes intro] [Cut to Ross Duffer and Matt Duffer in their set]

Ross Duffer: Hi, we’re the Duffer brothers. Our show ‘Stranger Things’ was the show of the summer.

Matt Duffer: In next season, we’re solving some of the first season’s biggest mysteries.

Ross Duffer: Like, where is the upside down?

Matt Duffer: Is Barb coming back?

Ross Duffer: And where is that black kid’s family?

Matt Duffer: Yeah.

Ross Duffer: Yeah.

Matt Duffer: It was a little overside on our part.

Ross Duffer: Oops.

Matt Duffer: So to knit this one into the bug before the blogs come after us…

Ross Duffer: Here is a sneak peak at Stranger Things season two.

Matt Duffer: Whooo!

[Cut to Stranger Things video bumper] [Cut to Mike, Dustin and Lucas on their bikes.]

Mike: Come on guys, this is the way to the upside down.

Dustin: Are you sure about this?

Mike: I don’t know. We gotta find Will.

Lucas: Yeah, Dustin, you’re such a baby.

Dustin: I’m not a baby. I’m just scared the monsters are gonna eat us.

Lucas: Whatever, I’m not scared of anything.

Woman’s voice: Lucas!

Lucas: Oh no. Oh god! It’s my parents.

[Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad walk in]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas! Where the hell have you been? We haven’t seen you in days.

Lucas’s dad: What makes you think you can be out this late? Kids in this town are getting snatched up by kidnappers.

[cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But it’s not kidnappers.

Mike: Yeah, it’s the demigorgan.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: A demi what?

Mike: It’s a monster and we’re looking for it.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Lucas, I told you not to hang out with these little white kids.

Lucas: But we have to find the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: The what?

Lucas: It’s like the normal world but it’s scarier. And there’s danger at every turn.

Lucas’s mom: Baby, people who look like us already live in the upside down.

Lucas’s dad: Let me put it to you this way Lucas. You don’t have to go looking for scary stuff. It’s gonna find you.

Lucas: But Will’s in the upside down.

Lucas’s mom: Boy, I will beat your upside down.

Lucas: Okay. Yep, good point. Um, sorry guys. I’ve gotta go.

[Cut to Mike and Dustin]

Dustin: But Lucas?

Lucas’s mom: But nothing. You need to go home too. There needs to be a grown up with y’all.

Dustin: There is an adult, Will’s mom.

[Cut to Will’s mom, Mike and Dustin. Will’s mom is shaking and crying]

Will’s mom: [sobbing] It’s just that I– I wish I could– the lights. Oh, I don’t even know where I’m even supposed to start.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad looking worried]

Lucas’s dad: Oh, na, this lady has lost her damn mind. Come on here Lucas. We’re taking you home.

[as Lucas’s dad is trying to hold Lucas, his hand is stopped] [weird sound]

What happened?

[Cut to Eleven standing beside Mike and Dustin]

Mike and Dustin: Eleven!

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Man, who is this little creepy wood dude.

Lucas: Mom, she’s a girl. She has special powers and her name is Eleven.

[Cut to Eleven. Her nose is bleeding.] [Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s mom: Okay Eleven, I’m going to count to three and if you don’t let my husband go, I’m gonna take these five fingers across your scary ass. One… two…

[Eleven lets Lucas’s dad go.]

Mike: What happened? Did you lose your power?

Eleven: No, she really scared me.

[Jim Hopper walks in his police dress]

Jim: Oh, there you guys are.

[Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad. They are scared of Jim.]

Lucas’s dad: [shouting] Oh! Monster!

Lucas: Mom, dad, you don’t have to be scared. This is the police chief.

Lucas’s dad: We know.

[Cut to Dustin]

Dustin: It’s okay. He’s on our side.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Yeah, these are some of my [looking at Eleven] closest friends.

[Cut to Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: I don’t like the way that sounds.

[Cut to Jim and Eleven]

Jim: Anyway, I’m glad I found you. El, here’s your frozen eggos.

[Eleven eats eggos wildly] [Cut to Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad]

Lucas’s dad: Okay, let’s go. These white people crazy.

[Lucas, Lucas’s mom and Lucas’s dad leave] [Cut to Stranger Things video bumper]

Pine Ridge Campground

Jeff… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Cecily Strong

Hector… Kyle Mooney

Patricia… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with four people camping at Pine Ridge Campground. Jeff is playing guitar and Cecily is singing]

Cecily: [singing] How many roads must a man walk down
before you can call him a man

Jeff: Yes, and how many seas must a white dove sail
before she sleeps in the sand

Jeff and Cecily: The answer my friend is blowing in the wind
the answer is blowing in the wind.

[Hector and Patricia clapping]

Hector: Wow, amazing. Really special, guys. Do you actually play guitar?

Jeff: Well, yeah.

Patricia: Okay, how about one more song?

Jeff: Um, it’s getting pretty late.

Hector: Oh, come on! You guy’s been entertaining us all night. Why don’t you let us sing one for you?

Jeff: Okay.

Patricia: Why not? Such a nice night.

[Hector and Patricia look at each other and start singing randomly.]

Hector and Patricia: Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes
Please, Louise
Pull me off of my knees
Jack, get back
C’mon before we crack
Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut Footloose

[Hector and Patricia clap for themselves]

Cecily: Wow.

Patricia: What a beautiful night. I’m so glad we could finally carve out some time to be together.

Jeff: We just met you an hour ago. You walked into our campsite and brought your own chairs. What are your names?

Hector: Oh, I’m Hector and this is my sister, Patricia.

Patricia: Yeah. We’re year rounders on site 71 over by the RV sink and shower waste.

Cecily: Did you say you’re brother and sister? You’ve been holding hands all night.

Patricia: Oh, it’s cold.

Hector: [yelling] Cold as hell.

Patricia: [laughing] So, okay, what did you guys think of that? Of our song?

Hector: We want honest criticism. Really.

Jeff: It sounded a little flat and you had no sense of how far away we are from you.

Cecily: Jeff, why are you–

Jeff: I don’t know. They asked.

Hector: [singing] Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Patricia: Please, Louise
Pull me off of my knees

Hector: Babe, are we flat?

Cecily: Did he just– did he just call her babe?

Patricia: Okay, what are you hearing that isn’t working for you, Jeff? Can you just like, describe it?

Jeff: It almost sounds like you speak normally, but when you sing you have like, Eastern European accents. It sounds almost like…

[imitating how Hector and Patricia sing]

Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Maybe just try it normal like,

[singing] Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Hector: Okay, okay. So, more like…

[yelling and singing] Loose, cut loose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Patricia: lease, Louise
Pull me off of my knees

Hector and Patricia: Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut Footloose

Cecily: Okay, I think we better head to bed. It was nice to meet you.

Patricia: Aw, is there time for one more song?

Cecily: Oh, I don’t think so.

Hector: [badly imitating Jack Nicholson] Well, how about a visit from good old Jack Nicholson?

Patricia: [badly imitating Dame Judy Dench] Or Dame Judy Dench?

Cecily: Hey, you’re doing impressions now? What are you doing? Okay, we’re gonna go to bed.

Jeff: Actually, if you guys were gonna sing another song though, what would it be?

Cecily: Jeff?

Jeff: I’m just curious.

Hector and Patricia: [yelling and singing] Highway to the danger zone
Ride into the danger zone

Patricia: Oh, that was great baby.

[Hector and Patricia kiss]

Cecily: Okay, um, well goodnight.

Hector: And goodnight from the one and only Jack Nicholson, man.

Patricia: And Dame Judy–

Cecily: No, stop.

Jeff: That’s not Jack Nicholson. [imitating Jack Nicholson] This is Jack Nicholson.

Cecily: Honey? Oh, that’s bad too. Why are you participating in this?

Jeff: I like them.

[Cecily gets angry and leaves]

Jeff, Hector and Patricia: [yelling and singing] Highway to the danger zone
Wanna take a ride into the danger zone

The Librarian

Jeremy… Bobby Moynihan

Ms. Dodson… Margot Robbie

Kyle Mooney

Fishman… Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Jeremy listening to the music staring at Ms. Dodson in the library. Ms. Dodson is a librarian.] [Kyle comes in and slaps on Jeremy’s forehead.]

Kyle: Snap out of it, you Donkes.

[Jeremy’s friends come to sit with him

Jeremy: Come on!

Fishman: Drooling over Ms. Dodson again?

Jeremy: Shut up, Fishman.

Mikey: I heard Ms. Dodson hooked up with a student once.

Jeremy: Oh, man! She’s so hot.

Kyle: [mocking] Oh, she’s so hot. You Donkes!

Jeremy: Come on, Nate! Don’t be an anus!

[Ms. Dodson slams a book on their table]

Ms. Dodson: Shh!

[Ms. Dodson turns around and walks back]

Jeremy: Whoa!

Alex: Ask her out, Jeremy!

Jeremy: No way.

Fishman: Ay, Ms. Dodson.

Jeremy: [whispering] Shut up!

Fishman: Jeremy thinks you’re hot.

[guys giggling]

Jeremy: Fishman, what are you doing?

Ms. Dodson: Is that true, Jeremy?

Jeremy: Um, no– it– no.  I’m– ugh! I mean, yeah.

[Ms. Dodson walks towards their table]

Ms. Dodson: Well, Jeremy, what are you gonna do about it?

[music starts playing] [Ms. Dodson takes off her glasses and opens her sweater.]

Jeremy: Oh yeah.

[She pulls her skirt up.]

Fishman: Oh yeah.

[She loosens her hair.]

Kyle: So beautiful.

[Ms. Dodson starts pulling her hair off]

Jeremy: Oh no!

[Ms. Dodson is bald.]

Mikey: Oh no.

[Ms. Dodson peels off a banana, throws the banana and eats the banana peel.]

Jeremy: Oh no.

[Ms. Dodson swallows the whole lollipop with the stick]

Kyle: Not the stick!

[Ms. Dodson takes her teeth off, her real teeth are disgusting.]

Fishman: What is happening?

[Ms. Dodson shows her tattoo of a student.]

Jeremy: Haley Joel Osment?

[Ms. Dodson shows another tattoo]

Mikey: Haley Joel Osment now?

[Cecily walks to Ms. Dodson and they start getting intimate] [Ms. Dodson breaks Cecily’s neck and smiles at boys]

Fishman: Straight up murderer?

[Ms. Dodson walks to the boys and gets on the table crawling towards Jeremy. She looks scary.] [Ms. Dodson has her tongue like snake, licking Jeremy on face.] [Ms. Dodson’s saliva drops on the table and the table is burning.] [Ms. Dodson slowling ripps off her shirt and shows her breasts.] [All the boys stare at her breasts]

Boys: Oh yeah.

[All boys’ heads pop bursts.]

The Hunch Bunch

Josh… Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Fenster Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Ted… Beck Bennett

Becca Ashley… Margot Robbie

[Starts with the Hunch Bunch intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Nick@Nite, now back to a classic episode of the Hunch Bunch.

[The characters get into a room. It looks like a haunted house.]

Josh: Okay, the coast is clear.

Aidy: Ew, cobwebs. I hate spiders.

Fenster: You’re worried about the cobwebs? Did you forget about the monster?

Cecily: Stop chitchatting and look for clues, you two.

Ted: Just once, I’d like to solve a mystery in a place that isn’t spooky.

Josh: We can do it Hunch Bunch. We just have to use our heads.

Becca Ashley: Can I just say? This is so much fun. I have been bugging Ted for doing mystery for weeks.

Cecily: No problem, Becca Ashley. We’re gonna need all the help we can get.

Fenster: Well, like, no clue’s here. We can go now. Who’s hungry?

[Fenster walks away]

Aidy: You’re such a fraidy cat, Fenster.

[Everyone laughs]

Becca Ashley: Yeah, you lame ass pussy.

Ted: Babe, don’t say that!

Becca Ashley: What? I was just joining in teasing.

Ted: Yeah, but like, you don’t know these guys that well yet. You know, just pump the brakes.

Josh: Well, lookie here. If there’s a real monster hunting this castle, [Josh finds a monster mask] then what’s this?

Becca Ashley: Oh! The monster’s face.

Josh: Well, sort of Becca Ashley. It’s a mask. Which means…

Becca Ashley: The monster made a mask of his own face.

Josh: Good guess but I have a hunch there is no monster.

Cecily: So that means the monster…

Everybody: Is ground’s keeper Cogin.

Becca Ashley: [not following] Mask of his own face!

Ted: Babe!

Aidy: It all adds up. Grounds keeper Cogin just wants the castle all to himself.

Ted: And what better way to scare off visitors then dressing up as a spooky monster.

Fenster: But wait. If grounds keeper Cogin’s the monster, like, how did he get from here to the dining room so fast?

Josh: There must be some sort–

Becca Ashley: [interrupting] He had a bike.

Aidy: Ted, can you…

Ted: Yeah. Babe, let’s just listen for a while, okay? You know, it’s actually super interesting how it all gets solved.

Josh: I know how grounds keeper Cogin got across the house so fast. He had some sort of…

[Josh pulls a book off the shelf and it opens a secret path.]

… shortcut.

Becca Ashley: What? Josh broke the bookshelf. What an idiot!

Josh: Ha-ha. I didn’t break the bookshelf. That’s a secret passage way.

Becca Ashley: Why?

Josh: What do you mean why? Because that’s what it is. It’s simply a secret passage way. Look, Becca Ashley, I want to include you because I like Ted and you’re very positive, but please, stop challenging everything say.

Becca Ashley: Yeah, but you broke it.

Josh: Okay.

[footsteps sound]

Fenster: Shh, like I hear someone coming.

Becca Ashley: Ew, who would have sex in this filthy old castle?

Josh: What? Ew, no. No!

Fenster: Like, everyone, hide!

[everyone hides] [Grounds Keeper Cogin walks in]

Cogin: Now, where did I leave my mask?

[Becca Ashley stand and shoots at Grounds Keeper Cogin three times at his back.]

Josh: No!

Ted: Babe, what the hell is wrong with you?

Cecily: You brought a gun?

Aidy: You shot grounds keeper Cogin.

Becca Ashley: No, because he’s the monster.

Josh: I don’t even think he technically broke any laws.

Fenster: We have to help him. He’s still alive.

Becca Ashley: No way! I’m not going back to jail.

[Becca Ashley cocks the gun]

Everybody: No.

[Cut to video bumper]

Announcer: The Hunch Bunch [gun shot sound] will be right back.