Tag: Mikey Day

Italian Restaurant

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Mark… Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Chef… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mikey serving the guests at a restaurant. There are customers sitting at different tables.]

Mikey: So, thank you for trying the food. Tell me, what do you guys think?

Kyle: Yum.

Heidi: Really good.

Mark: fantastic.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Terrazano’s gonna be even better with this new menu.

Cecily: Yeah. I’m 50% Italian, so I know what pasta should taste like. And Terrazano’s does it right.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, I’m so glad you guys feel that way because what if I told you that the delicious pasta dishes you’re digging into right now aren’t actually fron an authentic Italian restaurant?

[Cut to all. Three people walk in with trays of food.]

Ryan: What do you mean?

Cecily: Babe, what’s going on?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: That theyr’e actually the new pasta selections from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily looking around]

Cecily: No!

Mikey: Familia Italiano–

Cecily: No!

Mikey: — pasta menu.

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: What? This is Pizza Hut? Really?

Heidi: You guys got us. That was good.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily. They stand.]

Cecily: No, no, no. Stop!

Ryan: Buddy, you better pump your brakes. I’m just a little confused. I was just sitting here eating Terrazano’s pasta with my beautiful fiancée. And now a bunch of clowns come out with Pizza Hut and you are saying that’s what we actually ate? I’m a little confused.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Really? Because you got it exactly right, sir. The Terrazano’s pasta you enjoyed is really from Pizza Hut.

[Cut to Kyle and Melissa]

Kyle: I gotta say. You are blowing my mind right now.

Melissa: I’m going to be ordering this primavera all the time.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: [yelling] Yea, right! From Terrazano’s, my favorite restaurant.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Okay. But remember, it’s actually Pizza Hut and you still liked them. So, isn’t that fun?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: You son of a bitch.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Whoa, easy!

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. So, you tricked us? What? This whole night was just like one big long trick?

Ryan: Who else knew about this? Huh? [Cut to Ryan, Cecily, Mark and Heidi] What about you, Mark? What was your involvement in all this?

Mark: What? No! I’m just like you. I don’t know about this.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: You can’t do this to me. I’m not a Pizza Hut girl. I’m a Terrazano girl.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Guys, guys. Terrazano’s is not a real restaurant. I never existed before today, okay? This is a warehouse with three tables.

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: Well, we’re not gonna stand for being made fools of. Not in front of our fiancées. Right, Mark?

[Cut to Mark and Heidi]

Mark: I wish I hadn’t told you my name.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Well, the point is, you guys enjoyed the food, right?

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Ryan: I ought to beat you to death.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Guys, you both signed a release. Your fiancée asked where the camera was, looked directly into it and said “Yum, yum, good.”

[Cut to Ryan and Cecily]

Cecily: Because I thought it was Terrazano’s.

Ryan: You get off on this? You planting little cameras around and you watch women eat garbage?

Cecily: The chef, babe. Does chef really know?

Ryan: What about chef Luigi Marinara? Is he real?

[Cut to Chef standing. He is wearing chef outfit and has big mustache.]

Chef: I am a real chef, but my actual name is Claud and I did not cook this meal for you.

[Cut to all]

Cecily: You should be disbarred. You should literally be disbarred.

[Ryan walks near to Chef]

Ryan: You looked me in the eyes. You looked my fiancée in the eyes. Where we come from, that means something. You know what? You just lost two people forever.

[Cut to Cecily holding her wine glass]

Cecily: Is this wine even real?

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: You ordered a diet coke.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Then why am I buzzed?

[Ryan walks to Cecily]

Ryan: You are scaring my girl. And let me tell you, I see red when my girl gets scared. I ought to beat the death out of you.

Cecily: You’re just a loser who could never afford to eat at Terrazano’s. So you made it your pathetic life’s little mission to destroy the people who can.

[Cut to all]

Mikey: Okay look, you guys both signed the release. [walking towards Ryan and Cecily] You seemed to like the food. But we won’t use any of the footage if you don’t want, okay? We promise. I’m sorry this was so upsetting to you.

Cecily: Oh, stop yelling at me. I can’t be yelled at. My dad was a really messed up guy. He was really messed but he would never do this to me, not at Terrazano’s.

Ryan: [hugging Cecily] I know, babe. I know. [to Mikey] If this weren’t Terrazano’s, I ould beat you to death.

Mikey: There is no Terrazano’s!

[Cut to Domino’s video bumper]

Male voice: Domino’s, at least we’re not liars!

Another Close Encounter

Morris… Aidy Bryant

Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Tod… Ryan Gosling

Rafferty… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Morris and Fitzsimmons interviewing three people]

Morris: Thank you all for coming on such a short notice. Once again, I’m agent Morris with the NSA and [pointing at Fitzsimmons] this is special agent Fitzsimmons.

Fitzsimmons: You three are of great interest to the US government as you are the first and only people to have experienced two verified alien abductions.

Cecily: Man, this is nuts. Like, one minute, we are drinking beer in the Kohl’s parking lot. Now, we’re like cosmic curiosity.

Fitzsimmons: Indeed. Now, can you tell us how you were brought abroad the spacecraft?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank you for this bitchin hat. It fits my head perfect. And I love it.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Oh, well, we’re glad you like it.

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Cecily: And also to answer your question, sir, it was sort of this pathway made of golden light came down from the spaceship. And we were just like gently ushered in and like, floated up into it.

Tod: Yeah, we got up and– you know, we got up into the hsip and we saw the aliens, glowing beams made of beautiful light. They welcomed us back. It was amazing.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: I see. And you, miss Rafferty.

[Cut to Rafferty. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Rafferty: Yea, cookie crumbled a little different for me over here. I wasn’t so much lifted by light as I was caught in a net. Little bastards set a snare for me. Next thing I know, I’m being winched straight up through the world’s sappiest pine tree. My slacks got snagged on a branch, so they are gone. And I’m hauled on board with my bush and mu tush hanging out. I see my old pals, the great aliens with the big, fat, stupid eyes and I’m hit with the realization, first time I’ve been on a second date since 2009.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Now, once aboard the ship, what happened?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: Well, the aliens touched our foreheads. And I saw my whole life, even parts I haven’t even lived yet. In a lot of those parts, I was wearing this hat.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. It was as if through their touch, I understood the answer to that all-important question, “Why are we here.”

[Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty.]

Rafferty: [in a shock] What? These guys are tripping out at burning man. Meanwhile, I’m stranded at the fire festival. [Cut to Rafferty] I mean, I hadn’t been on board two minutes before the little Grays start tapping on my knockers. Keep in mind, I got no pants, so my tao and my chacco are out. And this one guy peeks around back and starts pointing at my butt like, “Whoa, how did we miss this?”

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: Interesting. And how would you describe their demeanor?

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Shoppers storming a Walmart on Black Friday. They were all dropping in, scrambling. A man shot my cheek meat like it’s pizza dough. Right? Some would knead for a bit, you know, and wait for another turn. I mean, if you’re coming back for seconds, that means dinner’s a hit, right?

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Yeah, I wonder if this was some sort of anatomical study.

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Na, I don’t think any of these guys were working on the Master’s Thesis. Here’s what I think was happening. [Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty] You might help me out, Ted. Stand up.

[Tod stands]

Yeah, yeah, turn around. Thanks. [Tod turns. Rafferty starts grabbing Tod’s butts.] So, these guys don’t have butts. Regular butts. I don’t think they’re ever seen a crack before. So, my theory is, right, they thought I had like, broken into two pieces and they were trying to put humpty dumpty back together again. They were trying everything. I mean, they were pushing, they were slamming. They’d take one cheek, kind of jiggle it, and then poof! And they were making the sound the whole time like, [making noise]. One guy was trying to like, punch it back together like he was breaking in a catcher’s Mitt. Another one of these idiots was just like jamming his face. [Rafferty puts her face into Tod’s butt] Right in there, looking for the source of the tear. And I was like, “Hey, last guy who did that got double barrel pink eye.” Thanks Tod, you can sit down.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

[cheers and applause]

Morris: How, how were you all returned to earth?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: We were led down a passage wave light cradled by what felt like a big fuzzy mitten. And it almost felt like I was like, god himself was playing with my hair. It was one of the most happiest moments of my life. Right up there with getting this hat.

Cecily: Tod, ease up on the hat. Um, but when the aliens left, I do remember like, feeling happy and safe. Because I know they would always be there, like, watch over me.

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Alright, that really puts a bee in my beaver. I got pushed out a hatch to find out they let me out on top of the ship. So I got to scoot myself down cold metal to a jump spot. I free fall 20 feet down. I land ass on a pool raft with my pink pocket and my stink rocket on full display in the middle of Danny Randle’s pool party.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry. Who is Danny Randle?

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Beats the hell out of me but he’s never going to forget his 12th birthday, I tell you that.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: Alright, if you would come with us, we’d like to run some medical tests.

[Cut to all]

Rafferty: Just so you guys know, some of the bruises on my keister were there before the aliens got to it.

RKO Movie Set

Howard… Beck Bennett

Janet Charmpagne… Banessa Bayer

Brock Tenderson… Dwayne Johnson

Operator… Mikey Day

Sound Guy… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with some actors getting ready for filming in RKO Studios, 1948.]

Howard: Everyone, quiet on set. Alright, our stars have arrived. And we’re ready to shoot this thing. We are very lucky to have two of today’s biggest talents, Hollywood icon Janet Charmpagne and up-and-comer Brock Tenderson

Brock Tenderson: Ah, thank you, Howard. I’m very excited.

Janet Charmpagne: Yes, Howard. Thank you. What a treat. I missed RKO pictures almost as mush as I miss the three-bean salad in the commissary.

Howard: Hmm, alrighty! We’re starting with scene eight, everyone. Let’s go.

Brock Tenderson: You know, Janet, before we begin, I just wanna tell you that, um, to work with you is a dream for me.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, please. Treat me like a normal woman you would meet on the street. Deal?

Brock Tenderson: Deal.

Howard: Alright. Let’s try one.

[Operator walks in with a clapperboard]

Operator: ‘Murder by numbers.’ Scene eight. Take on.

Howard: And, action.

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson are acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? My husband’s trying to kill me.

Brock Tenderson: Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being hysterical. Now, go home to your husband and get some sleep.

Janet Charmpagne: No. You don’t understand. He wants me dead. Please. I don’t know who he is anymore. Please, just let me stay here with you. [Janet Charmpagne farts] Um, I’m sorry. I think I need to cut. I made a mistake.

Howard: Um, what was that, Janet?

Brock Tenderson: Um, I think she would like to cut.

Janet Charmpagne: Because I made a mistake. Did sound hear it? The mistake I made?

[The sound guy is nodding his head yes]

Let’s do it again. I am so sorry.

Brock Tenderson: Oh, well. I’m so thrilled to be here with you in this scene.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, good attitude. How wonderful is this man? This is going to be a good movie. Let’s do another one.

Operator: ‘Murder by Numbers’, scene eight.

Howard: And action!

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson start acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? [farts] My husband is trying to kill me. [farts] [walks to Janet Charmpagne] [whispering] Okay, just say your line.

Brock Tenderson: Okay. Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being comple– [Janet Charmpagne farts] completely hysterical. Go home to your husband and get some sleep. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Janet Charmpagne: I’m going to stop because I think I did too many mistakes in a row. I’m so sorry.

Brock Tenderson: You know, don’t say another word. I’m just happy to be here, breathing the same air as the Janet Charmpagne.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh! You’re sweet.

Howard: Are you ready to try again?

Janet Charmpagne: We are. And good news, I don’t think there will be any more mistakes. I think I’m out of them.

Brock Tenderson: Ah! Well, if that’s the case, I think this is going to be the one. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Janet Charmpagne: You’re a very classy man.

Brock Tenderson: And you are a one of a kind, shining star.

Janet Charmpagne: Then let’s make history. [Janet Charmpagne farts]

Operator: ‘Murder by Numbers’, scene eight, take three.

Howard: And action.

[Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson start acting]

Janet Charmpagne: You don’t believe me, do you? My husband is trying to kill me. [whispering] I’m doing it.

Brock Tenderson: Thanks. Mrs. Carmichael, you’re being hysterical. Now, go home to your husband and get some sleep! [whispering] Oh my god! Well done.

Janet Charmpagne: I know. I’m controlling it. Please, I don’t know who he is anymore. Just let me stay here with you. Just or tonight. [Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson kiss]

Sound guy: Yep, no farts at all.

Howard: This is great.

Brock Tenderson: This is a start of something very dangerous.

Janet Charmpagne: [laughing] You’re telling me. [as Janet Charmpagne and Brock Tenderson hug each other, Janet Charmpagne farts very long]

Howard: Cut!

Brock Tenderson: I’m sorry, Howard. That was me. That was my brand.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, stop it Brock. Taking the fall for my long mistake.

Brock Tenderson: Hey, as long as you’re a star, you make them as long as you want.

Janet Charmpagne: Oh, stop being so marvelous all the time. Where did we find him? Are there more– [Janet Charmpagne farts] of him?

Sound guy: Are we on break? Because I could really use a cigarette.

[Sound guy pulls out a cigarette and a lighter. He’s about to light the cigarette]

Howard: Richie, no! Don’t!

[When the sound guy lights the fire, the studio explodes by the fart gas]

Rap Song

Big Chris… Kenan Thompson

Shantasia… Sasheer amata

Young Bitch… Pete Davidson

Prinsexxxy… Leslie Jones

Sno’Cone… Mikey Day

Sloppy Moses… Kyle Mooney

Marci Jamz… Melissa Villaseñor

King Keef… Dwayne Johnson

Lil’ Nitwit… Alex Moffat

2 Black Guyz… Colin Jost, Michael Che

Hawt Clown… Cecily Strong

Pregnasty… Kate McKinnon

Skiffle… Bobby Moynihan

Katy Perry

Kathleen Bell… Aidy Bryant

Essentially Simon… Beck Bennett

David S. Pimkskins… Tom Hanks

Dat Snatch*… Vanessa Bayer

[Music video starts with Big Chris in the intro]

[music playing]

Big Chris: Uh! This that new track. New money crew. Cash Stack Records. Represent, Big Chris.

Shantasia: With Shantasia. Ha-ha.

Young Bitch: Featuring your boy, Young Bitch!

Big Chris: Here we go, uh! Yo…

Prinsexxxy: Prinsexxxy on the track.

[Big Chris is looking around getting confused]

Holding it down.

Sno’Cone: With Sno’Cone.

Big Chris: Yeah, they up on this track too. Y’all never heard this many MCs. Here we go. Yo…

Sloppy Moses: Sloppy Moses also part of this.

[Big Chris is annoyed]

Bring it down, West Coast!

Big Chris: Um, him too. And that’s more than enough now. Yeah, Big Chris.

Shantasia: Shantasia.

Young Bitch: Young Bitch.

Prinsexxxy: With Prinsexxxy.

Big Chris: Whole lot of people.

Sno’Cone: Sno’Cone!

Marci Jamz: Marci Jamz.

Sloppy Moses: It’s Sloppy Moses.

Big Chris: And then we cut it off there. Uh! Yeah. I mean, we more than covered on this particular track. And yo! Don’t think I ain’t notice you trying to fly under the radar Marci Jamz!

Sno’Cone: New Money Crew roll deep.

Big Chris: I mean, maybe too deep? I don’t know!

King Keef: Featuring King Keef.

Big Chris: No! This track is full, man! There ain’t no vacancy, B!

King Keef: King Keef does not accept that. Brought the whole Hoodlum squad to this track!

Sno’Cone: Hoodlums!

King Keef: Where you at, Lil’ Nitwit?

Lil’ Nitwit: Keep it greasy, y’all!

Big Chris: What happened there?

2 Black Guyz: With 2 Black Guyz.

Big Chris: Bad name!

Hawt Clown: Hey, Hawt Clown!

Big Chris: Ah, [bleep]

Hawt Clown: You know what it is.

Pregnasty: Gucci girl, Pregnasty!

Big Chris: No!

Skiffle: And y’all, don’t forget about your boy Skiffle! Bow-yaka-yaka.

Sloppy Moses: Ah!

King Keef: Oh! Skiffle!

Big Chris: Yo! Definitely ain’t no room for Skiffle.

King Keef: Yo, Skiffle, sing!

Katy Perry: And you know, Katy Perry on the track!

Kathleen Bell: With Kathleen Bell.

Big Chris: Aite, maybe not Kathleen Bell.

Kathleen Bell: [singing] Here we go, new music.

Essentially Simon: Essentially Simon, modern day witch. Bringing those new musings like nothing’s more dangerous than a genius with money.

Big Chris: Whatever! Anybody else?

David S. Pimpkins: David S. Pimkskins! [cheers and applause]

Big Chris: No!

King Keef: Yes!

Big Chris: Alright, everybody could say, you know, let’s just keep it orderly. Find a place to pop in, alright? Here we go. Big Chris on the mic like–

[All the rappers are rapping simultaneously. It’s noisy and doesn’t make sense.]

Stop! Stop! that did not work! It’s like I feel there’s too many people on this track. I’m sorry, y’all.

Dat Snatch*: Dat Snatch* out! Peace!

Big Chris: Yo! Who dis?

David S. Pimpkins: Any questions?

[The End]

Gemma with Dwayne Johnson 2

Vanessa Bayer

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Dwayne Johnson

Gemma… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

[Starts with Vanessa and Gene sitting on a ride at Jurassic Park]

Vanessa: Are we really going to get wet on this ride? I just got my hair done.

Gene: Sweetie, can you just try to have a good time since it’s your birthday?

Vanessa: YOu’re right. Taking me to Universal Studio is as good as going to Paris after all.

[Vanessa and Gene hug]

[Dwayne and Gemma walk in]

Dwayne: Oh, babe! Two seats in this one. Come on! Shake a butt.

Gemma: Coming by.

Dwayne: Oh, it’s a little shaky.

Gemma: Grab my hand?

Dwayne: I got your hand, babe.

Gemma: I’m excited to see real dinosaurs.

Dwayne: Oh yeah, babe. But they’re not real. They’re stuffed.

Gemma: Alright.

Dwayne: [looking at Gene] Oh my god, Gene! Look at this. No freaking way! I haven’t seen you in, what? Like, two, three years? Oh, it’s crazy, huh? Last time I saw you, you were with your wife. You guys break up?

Gene: No. [pointing at Vanessa] This is her.

Dwayne: Oh, whoa. What happened to you, honey?

Vanessa: What does that mean? Is that good or bad?

Dwayne: Hey, you remember Gemma, huh?

Gemma: Hi, I’m Gemma. I’m British. This is my pig Pipsqueak. She’s British too.

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Okay, folks. Welcome to Jurassic River Rapids. As a reminder, this ride does get wet. So you will want to secure your valuables in the center console right there. And– I’m sorry, is that a pig?

Dwayne: Yeah. I think so. This is your pig, right babe?

Gemma: yeah, it’s a mini pig. Look, we dress alike.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she dresses like a pig. Huh, how hot is that, huh? Hey, you bout to pop through those button fly shorts?

Vanessa: Gene, you’re not going to bust your new shorts, are you?

Gene: I hope not.

Vanessa: Just don’t!

Mikey: Okay, well, no matter what, I still can’t let you have any animals on the ride. So, I guess I’m gong to have to hold him for you.

Gemma: Aw, okay. Goodbye, pips. Mommy’s gonna miss you.

[Mikey takes the piglet away from Gemma]

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, she’s talking that sexy piggy talk, bedtime talk to the pig, huh? Is your fly getting as strained as mine, Gene? Hah? I can hear my zipper going, “Oh! Oh! I can’t hold it. I can’t hold it.” Hey, what do you think your button sound like, Gene?

Gene: I don’t know. Maybe like, “Boop.”

Vanessa: Does boop mean your button popped, Gene?

Gemma: [to Mikey] Careful, he bites and kicks.

Mikey: Okay. Make sure you are all buckled in. And watch out for those velociraptors.

[ride starts]

Dwayne: Ay! Ay!

Gemma: Oh, wow! We’re moving.

Dwayne: I know, right, here we go. Dino time! Like that skinny black guy used to say.

Gene: I think he used to say “Dyno-mite.”

Dwayne: Yeah.

Gemma: I’ve got a song called ‘Dyanmite.’

Dwayne: Oh, yeah, Gemma is a singer. You remember that?

Vanessa: Oh, yeah. I actually do. You have a lovely voice.

Dwayne: Gene, Duck!

[Gene ducks. Water splashes on Vanessa]

Vanessa: [to Gene] Oh my god! Why did you just tell him to duck?

Dwayne: Oh, because I don’t know your name, girl.

Vanessa: Well, may name–

Dwayne: Hey, hang on, hang on. Gemma was about to sing. You can tell us after. Ay, Gene, duck!

[Gene ducks. ater splashes on Vanessa again]

Vanessa: Why?

Dwayne: You should have told me your name, I guess.

Gemma: Give me a beat, babe.

Dwayne: Oh, you got it, babe.

Gemma: [singing] Boom, boom, blast, hey
boom, boom, blast, hey
got all in the club shakin’ their ass
girls are jel cause I’m the best
but boy you better run cause I’m dangerous

[Gene is shaking his head enjoying]
that’s why they call me Dynamite
I just might blow you a way
boom, boom, blast, hey!

Gene: Oh, that was really great. Right, honey?

Vanessa: Well, I would dance to that.

Dwayne: Hey, Gene, tell your friend to duck!

[A dinosaur appears behind Vanessa and starts spraying water from it’s mouth.]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

[The ride is over.]

Mikey: Alright, guys. Your survived your adventure. Hope you enjoyed the ride. And by the way, you weren’t lying. The pig kicks and bites and is very nasty.

Dwayne: Hey! Hey! Don’t you talk about Gene’s wife that way! I’m gonna kill this guy.

Mikey: Oh, I’m talking about the pig.

Dwayne: Hey! It’s his wife, dude!

[Gene, Dwayne and Gemma are out]

Vanessa: Hey, can you help me? My seat belt is stuck.

Dwayne: Ay, nice. You get to go twice, honey.

Vanessa: But I don’t want to.

Gene: [yelling] Can you just have fun, honey?

[Water splashes on Vanessa again]

Gemma: Bye, Gene’s wife. We’ll miss ya.

[The ride starts again]

Donald Trump Hallelujah

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. …Mikey Day

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johannson

[Starts with Donald Trump playing piano in stage]

Donald Trump: [singing] I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?

[Kellyanne Conway joins Donald Trump]

Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway: It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift

[Mike Pence walks in and joins]

All: The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. join]

All: Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya

[Sarah Huckabee and Steve Bannon as grim reaper join]

All: And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump join]

All: I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’m not giving up because I didn’t do anything wrong. [Donald Trump looks around] But I can’t speak for these people.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Lester Holt Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Lester Holt… Michael Che

Paul Ryan… Mikey day

[Starts with message video]

Male voice: We now return to NBC ‘Nightly News’ and part two of Lester Holt’s interview with president Donald J. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Lester Holt in the interview.]

Lester Holt: Hello, Mr. President. I know you’re a busy man, so, thank you for being here.

Donald Trump: Thank you for having me here, Jazz Man. Before we begin, I just need to know that I have your undying loyalty.

Lester Holt: You don’t, sir. Now, let’s get started. Clearly, the big story this week is James Comey.

Donald Trump: Okay, well first, all I can just say is that I won the election fair and square, and everyone knows that.

Lester Holt: Yes, Mr. President, you say that literally all the time.

Donald Trump: It’s one of my greatest hits and my fans love when I play the hits. It’s like when you go to a Beyoncé concert, they just wanna hear ‘Single Ladies.’ They wanna hear only ‘Single Ladies’, not that ‘Sandcastles’ crap. Okay?

Lester Holt: Okay, sir. But, back to James Comey. Your staff is insisting all week that you didn’t fire him because of the Russian investigation.

Donald Trump: No, I did.

Lester Holt: Wait, what?

Donald Trump: I fired him because of Russia. I thought, “He is investigating Russia. I don’t like that, I should fire him.”

Lester Holt: And you are just admitting that?

Donald Trump: Uh-huh.

Lester Holt: But that’s obstruction of justice.

Donald Trump: Sure. Okay.

Lester Holt: Wait, so, [talking to his team] did I get him? Is this all over? Oh, no I didn’t? Nothing matters? Absolutely nothing matters anymore?

Donald Trump: That’s right. Nothing’s going to stop me because I have the republicans in the palm of my hand. Look at this.

[Donald Trump rings a small bell]

[Paul Ryan enters in a chef dress]

Paul Ryan: You called for ice cream, sir. Here’s two scoops.

[Paul Ryan passes a plate of ice cream to Donald Trump]

Lester Holt: Paul Ryan?

Paul Ryan: Yes, sir. I am so excited to be working with president Trump on an agenda that benefits–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Beat it, nerd. Just get the hell out of here, okay?

Paul Ryan: Whatever you say, Mr. Trump. He feeds me dog food.

[Paul Ryan leaves]

Lester Holt: Mr. President, let’s move on. After this week, many are drawing comparisons between you and Richard Nixon.

Donald Trump: No, no. I am nothing like Nixon because I am not a crook. Okay? Plus, I bet Nixon only got one scoop of ice cream for dessert. I get two scoops. Two scoops. Two scoops, okay?

Lester Holt: Of course, Mr. President. You are also very different from Nixon because he won the popular vote.

Donald Trump: Listen, O.J., you are being very mean. You don’t ask me about all the good things I did this week. For example, on Tuesday, I let Kellyanne out of her Crypt. Also, I invented a new phrase. Have you heard it? It’s called ‘Priming the pump.’

Lester Holt: You didn’t invent that, sir. That’s a very famous economic phrase.

Donald Trump: No, it’s not. It’s when I talk to myself about a half hour before Melania comes in so she can find it easily. Okay?

Lester Holt: [disgusted] Ew! That is not what ‘Priming the Pump’ means. And you have just earned yourself and Anderson Cooper eye roll. Andy, take it away.

[Anderson Cooper appears in a small box at left bottom corner of the screen. He does the eye roll.]

Thanks Coop. Now, Mr. President, on Thursday you tweeted that James Comey better hope you don’t have tapes of your private conversation. Did you secretly tape him?

Donald Trump: Listen, Kenan, I don’t know. Practically, I tape a lot of people. I tape whoever I want, whatever I want. Some people have called me a serial tapist. And it’s sure, I am. When you’re president, they let you do it.

Lester Holt: Okay, moving on. A lot of people are worried about who you will replace James Comey with at FBI. Can you reassure us all that you’re not gonna pick someone crazy like judge Judy?

Donald Trump: I can promise you this right now, whoever I choose is going to be so bonkers, you’re gonna wish like it was Judge Judy, okay?

Lester Holt: Okay, Mr. Trump, are you trolling us? Because this week, you also met with the Russian Ambassador in the oval office. You must have known the optics that would be terrible.

Donald Trump: Come on! Do you think I care about optics? Look at me. I sit on every chair like it’s a toilet. Okay?

Lester Holt: It’s a good point, sir. But in the future, can you stop and think about the optics? Because every single day, it’s something nuts. Your presidency is like the craziest show on TV and it’s on 24 hours a day, and we can’t keep up.

Donald Trump: Well, too bad because this show is gonna run for eight years. Okay? Even though it should have been canceled months ago, but don’t worry. We have plenty of fun plot twists coming up. A lot of your favorite characters will be coming back. Kim Jung-Un, Carter Page, even that psycho Steve Miller, okay? Also, I don’t want to give away too much. But in an up coming episode, we will find it if Kellyanne has been dead this whole time. Okay?

Lester Holt: Well, thank you for being here sir. On behalf of every, I just wanna say I can’t believe you are president.

Donald Trump: I feel you, Tupac.  And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Game Show

Kurt Burton… Mikey Day

Don… Kate McKinnon

Todd… Bobby Moynihan

Marcie… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with three contestants ready to play a TV game show]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s sweetest game show. ‘Just Desserts!’ And here’s your host, Kurt Burton.

[Kurt Burton walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Kurt Burton: Ho-ho! Alright! Welcome to ‘Just Desserts.’ I’m your host, Kurt Burton. And today, three lucky contestants will be battling head to head to take the cake worth a yummy $50,000. Don, Todd and Marcie, one of you will be walking away winner.

Marcie: Whoo!

Kurt Burton: Ha-ha. marcie is excited. Now, you know how it works. We spin the board and you tell us when to stop. Land on a cash stack, and you’re richer than chocolate mousse. Or, land on a pie or cake, and you’ll be in a very sticky situation. Marcie, you won the coin toss back stage. So, you will start ups up by spinning that board.

Marcie: Okay, baby! Come on, cash stacks. Mama wants big old cash stack. No pies. No pies. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Oh, that’s pie.

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

A pie on the first pick.

Marcie: Is there a towel?

Kurt Burton: No, there is not. Todd, you’re up.

Todd: Cash, no pies. Come on! Cash, no pies. And stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh, 500 bucks and a pass a pie to the left. Marcie, you get pied.

Marcie: Wait! Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, you’re up.

Don: Ooh! Me want the cash stacks. I don’t want pies or cakes. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Ooh! $5,000 big ones, plus a take a cake. Take a cakes go to the right, so Marcie, happy birthday.

Marcie: Wait, what do you mean?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: And Don, choose your topic.

Don: Everybody loves sprinkles.

[A confetti is blasted on Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Alright. And finally, let’s blow out those candles.

[a blower is used on Marcie’s face]

Marcie: Ah! Ah! Ooh! Argh!

Kurt Burton: Alright. Marcie, you’re up.

Marcie: I can’t! I don’t see anything.

Kurt Burton: Marcie, just tell us when to stop.
Marcie: Stop.

Kurt Burton: Okay, Marcie, you did run out of time. And that means you get an out of time pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Whow! What a yummy first round. Let’s meet our players. Don Hamill, a dentist from Tacoma. Todd Spratt, a graphic designer from Cleveland. And Marcie Hill, a stay at home mother of none from Orlando. Marcie had a little trouble that round, huh?

Marcie: I did. I did. Yeah.

Kurt Burton: What do you think tripped you up?

Marcie: Um, I have to say the pies! I couldn’t see, hear and for most part, could not breathe out of either of these. Yeah, the pies got me. Ha-ha.

Kurt Burton: Yeah. The pies got you. Well, remember Marcie, it will cost you a turn and 100 big ones, but you can always ask for a clean up.

Marcie: Right. You know what? I completely forgot about the option because of the pie.

Kurt Burton: Well, let’s hope in round two it’s all cash stacks and no messy treats. And remember, this round prize and pie amounts are double dipped. Don, you are in lead with 5,000 big ones. Todd’s in the second with 500. And Marcie, you’re in third with zero big ones which means you get a zero pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, start us off.

Don: Okay, cash stacks me want some, pies and cakes me don’t! Stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh! Pie!

Don: I’ll buy the pie.

Kurt Burton: Don, that’s your pie to pass. You can say the–

Don: Kurt, I’m gonna pass that pie to Marcie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.] Oh!

Kurt Burton: And, since this round is double dipped, that’s two for you.

Marcie: What? [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Might be a good time for a wife off, Marcie.

Marcie: Oh, yes. Clean up.

Kurt Burton: Alright. Here it comes.

[two pipes are spraying water to Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Marcie, you chose clean up. That means you will lose your next turn.

Marcie: Oh, wait. It’s probably for the best.

Kurt Burton: It’s also going to cost you 100 big ones, but since your bank is empty, you pay in pie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Looks like we gotta take a break. Coming up, bigger stacks of cash and thicker, denser pies.

Marcie: Oh, god! No! No! Not with crust. Now with crust.

Kurt Burton: Only on, ‘Just Desserts!’

The Handmaid’s Tale

Chris Pine

Mikey Day

Ash… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Vanessa Bayer

David… Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of women wearing red robe.]
Female voice: In the not too distant future, the world is at dystopia. Women are enslaved. We have no rights and no freedoms. [people are riotting] Forced by an oppressive government to bear children under penalty of death. My name of Off-red and I intend to survive.

[Cut to ‘Hulu Original: The Handmaid’s Tale’ video bumper]

[Cut to four women meet. It’s raining]

Ash: Pleased to be the fruit.

Cecily: May the lord open.

All: Under his eye.

[they start walking]

Ash: I have a news. There is a resistance forming. We could join them.

Sasheer: It’s too dangerous.
Cecily: Shh, someone is coming.

[Chris and Mikey walk in]

Chris: Hey, Ash, what’s up?

Mikey: Ash, Jen. Girl squad, man. What the frick is up?

Chris: You guys supposed to be singing on my half birthday. What did you do? Fight? Or what?

Cecily: Do you not know? It’s the republic. Everything is different now.

Chris: Different? How?

Vanessa: We’re hand maids.

Chris: Huh?

Sasheer: The government subjugated the women.

Chris: Looted?

Ash: They took our money and our jobs and our kids.

[Chris and Mikey are wondering about it]

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

Chris: I think I actually read something about that. But I’ve been super busy with work lately.

Ash: Please, leave us.

Sasheer: They see us talking to you, we will be punished.

Mikey: That sucks. You guys should like, fight back.

Chris: My dad is a lawyer. He could help you out. I mean, he mostly does entertainment law. But I’m sure he knows someone good. Just drop an email.

Sasheer: We can’t.

Chris: Okay. Sorry for helping. Ha-ha.

Vanessa: We need to go, Daniel.

Mikey: Actually, her name is Ash.

Ash: No, it’s “of Daniel.” I’m his property now.

Mikey: Wait, Daniel? Yo! That guy is like super conservative now. You should leave.

Ash: Yeah, I can’t.

Mikey: Hey! Yes, you can.

Chris: Bro! David?

[David walks in]

David: Hey!

Mikey: No way!

Cecily: Lower your voice.

Chris: How have you been?

David: Oh, the girl squad. Ah, J town. What’s different about you?

[Vanessa doesn’t have one eye.]

Chris: Oh, David, I don’t know if you’ve heard about this thing about women. It sucks.

David: Oh, yeah. I heard a little something about that. Didn’t know if it was for sure happening. Is there a protest or something?

Sasheer: Yes. Several years ago.

David: Argh! Yeah, I meant to go to that.

[Alert alarm goes on]

Vanessa: Oh, no! It’s too late.

Cecily: They found us.

[Kyle runs in with a gun]

Kyle: [shouting] Freeze! What? Girl squad? Ash, where you been? You missed peace in the park. Okay, this is gonna sound awkward, but I got to take you to the government prison to torture you or whatever. But after that, a bunch of us are going to play tipsy-pop-pop. So, y’all should come through.

[Two men take the girls away]

Chris: How much you wanna bet they don’t even come?

Mikey: Oh, yeah.

[Cut to ‘Hulu Original: The Handmaid’s Tale’ video bumper]

Male voice: The Handmaid’s Tale, only on Hulu. See Netflix? We have one too.

Morning Joe

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborougn… Alex Moffat

Mike Barnicle… Bobby Moynihan

Mark Halperin… Beck Bennett

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

[Starts with ‘Morning Joe’ intro]

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn in their set]

[cheers and applause]

Mika Brzezinski: Good Morning.

Joe Scarborougn: How are you doing?

Mika Brzezinski: Good morning. That’s “Rock n’ roll all night” by Kiss.

Joe Scarborougn: Great song.

Mika Brzezinski: If you’re listening to loud classic rock followed by the most casual of political conversations, it must be ‘Morning Joe’.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, guys, they did it. Okay? The house has passed their healthcare plan which might take health insurance away from twentyfour million Americans. Many of them are swing voters in twentyeighteen, if morality doesn’t matter to them, maybe–

Mika Brzezinski: I mean–

Joe Scarborougn: I mean maybe–

Mika Brzezinski: I mean–

Joe Scarborougn: Maybe pure politics should?

Mika Brzezinski: I mean, it’s crazy.

Joe Scarborougn: Mika’s over.

Mika Brzezinski: I am. I’m up it. I’m over it. I’m past it. I’m in the driveway. The car is running. This part– this party– your party, republican party is–

Joe Scarborougn: Watch it.

Mika Brzezinski: — is completely morally bankrupt.

Joe Scarborougn: Oh, Mika!

Mika Brzezinski: I’ll just point. No–

Joe Scarborougn: That’s enough. Okay? You’re being sneaky because you know what pushes my button.

Mika Brzezinski: [looking at Joe Scarborougn] Does that? Push your buttons?

Joe Scarborougn: It does. [both looks to the camera] Mike Barnicle, what is going on with this bill?

[Cut to Mike Barnicle. He’s looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with shock]

Mike Barnicle: Ah, I don’t know what’s going on. This bill– This bill is puzzling.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, Mike. Congress doesn’t even have a CVO score on this. Is this just about– Is this just about getting a win? I mean there’s a lot of people with pre-existing conditions who are probably just furious right now.

Mika Brzezinski: Like, C-section.

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah.

Mika Brzezinski: A C-section is a pre-existing condition. And you know what’s not a pre-existing condition? Erectile dysfunction.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, hold on.

Mika Brzezinski: And isn’t that–

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah, here we go. Mika, you’re being dramatic.

Mika Brzezinski: No, but here’s what I’m being.

Joe Scarborougn: Ay, Mika mouse, Mika mouse, you’re being a little stinker–

Mika Brzezinski: But let me finish.

Joe Scarborougn: You’re being a little stinker.

Mika Brzezinski: I’m not being a stinker.

Joe Scarborougn: Hey! Mika-boo.

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn have come very close to each other.]

Mika Brzezinski: Am I being a stinker?

Joe Scarborougn: Yes, you’re being a stinker and it’s not gonna work.

Mika Brzezinski: Yeah?

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn are about to kiss, but they pause and look at camera]

Joe Scarborougn: Mark Halperin, the senate can’t be pleased at the house just threw this in their lap. I mean, what is their relationship like now?

[Cut to Mark Halperin looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with disgust.]

Mark Halperin: What is their relationship like? Confusing.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Willie Geist, what do you see in here?

[Cut to Willie Geist]

Willie Geist: Um, what am I seeing here? I have no idea. I have so many unanswered questions.

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, what about Trump? He hasn’t read the bill.

Mika Brzezinski: I can’t.

Joe Scarborougn: And back during the election–

Mika Brzezinski: I won’t.

Joe Scarborougn: Trump called into our show but he doesn’t do it anymore because he just shut himself off from anyone who can challenge him.

Mika Brzezinski: It’s sad. It’s sad but it’s true. And for some insight into this, we’re gonna talk to a man who says he’s with Trump every single day on the phone. We have a publicist named John Miller live from the Whitehouse.

Joe Scarborougn: Terrific.

Male voice: Hello, Joe, Mica, this is John Miller. [it’s the voice of Donald Trump] I’m sort of a new here.

Joe Scarborougn: Okay, glad to finally hear from you, Mr. Miller.

Male voice: First, I wanna wish everyone a happy Cinco de Mayo which is the day all Mexicans eat a sink full of mayonnaise.

Mika Brzezinski: Mr. Miller. Do you work in the White House?

Male voice: I do. Yes. I do. I work very hard. So, incredibly hard. Mika, I’m just celebrating the fantastic success we had with congress yesterday. After congress voted, we had a party. There was bill, a disaster that Obamacare has finally been repealed

Joe Scarborougn: Hold on, sir. It’s not repealed yet. The bill still has to pass the senate.

Male voice: What now?

Joe Scarborougn: The bill goes through the senate. They might even re-write the entire thing if they pass it at all.

Male voice: But there was beer.

Mika Brzezinski: Mr. Mlller, the bill has a long way to go. So, it seems a little premature to celebrate.

Male voice: You know what? We’re going to look into this. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye. [hangs up]

Joe Scarborougn: Okay.

Mika Brzezinski: Here’s what I want to say. Don’t stop me.

Joe Scarborougn: Go ahead.

Mika Brzezinski: The president is mentally ill.

Joe Scarborougn: Well, hold–

Mika Brzezinski: He has entered a state of psychosis.

Joe Scarborougn: Mika! Mika! You’re being naughty. Okay? You’re being very naughty.

Mika Brzezinski: Oh, I am being naughty?

Joe Scarborougn: Yeah, you’re being real naughty.

[Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn start getting close to each other again]

Mika Brzezinski: Why don’t you stop me?

Joe Scarborougn: Maybe you need some of the punishing for being naughty.

Mika Brzezinski: I’m a bad journalist.

Joe Scarborougn: You’re not a bad journalist. You’re a bad kitty.

Mika Brzezinski: Wow.

[Mika Brzezinski bites Joe Scarborougn’s nose.]

[Cut to Mike Barnicle and Mark Halperin looking at Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn with shock.]

[Cut to Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn. They look to the camera]

Joe Scarborougn: Alright. We’re gonna address the elephant in the room.

Mika Brzezinski: Let’s! [inhales heavily]

Mika Brzezinski and Joe Scarborougn: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!