Tag: season 46

Dionne Warwick Talk Show

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

Harry Styles… Timothée Chalamet

Chef… Andrew Dismukes

Billie Eilish… Melissa Villaseñor

Timothée Chalamet… Chloe Fineman

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with the show intro]

Male voice: She’s one of a kind. She speaks her mind. A Grammy winner and the queen of Twitter, it’s the Dionne Warwick Talk Show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. Thank you. Welcome to the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Maybe you know me from my music or maybe you have heard that I just discovered Twitter and these are actual tweets I tweeted out. [A tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “Hi, @chancetherapper, if you are very obviously a rapper, why did you put it in your stage name? I cannot stop thinking bout this.” Or this. [Another tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “How do send a tweet to @SnoopDogg? Did I do this correctly?” Thank you as always to my producer, my publicist and my niece, Britney.

[Cut to Britney]

Britney: Oh, hi. Happy to be here, Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Did Snoop Dogg reply?

Britney: Not yet.

Dionne Warwick: Dang. Alright. Okay. Now, for my standup monologue. [Dionne Warwick stands. There’s music playing.]

[singing] What do you get when you fall in love?
a guy with a pin that burst your bubble

Thank you. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest. Harry Styles.

[Harry Styles walks in]

Harry Styles: Ms. Warwick. You’re a legend. I can’t believe it. I’m such a massive fan.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. And who are you?

Harry Styles: I’m Harry Styles. I’m a singer. Sort of essential fashion man and you could say I do it for everyone. [winks at the camera]

Dionne Warwick: No, no. But where do I know you from?

Harry Styles: Maybe you know my song, “Watermelon Sugar.”

Dionne Warwick: What is watermelon sugar?

Harry Styles: Well, I think it’s just about summer but some people think it’s about oral sex.

Dionne Warwick: That’s nasty.

Harry Styles: But, on a woman.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, now I like your ass. I like you a lot. Alright. One last question, Harry Styles. Why is Windy Williams being a bitch to me? She started beefing and now she acting like she can’t finish.

Harry Styles: Oh. I’m sorry. I don’t know who Wendy Williams is.

Dionne Warwick: Oh. I knew I liked your ass. Okay. Alright. Thank you for joining us. That’s enough. Go away. Go away. [Harry Styles leaves] Alright. Go on. Britney, baby, it is exciting to be on TV.

Britney: Oh, yes. Just like when you were on Celebrity Apprentice.

Dionne Warwick: No, I wasn’t. I briefly worked for Donald Trump.

Britney: That was the show, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: I don’t remember it that way. Okay. Now for our cooking segment. [Dionne Warwick stands and walks to the kitchen side. There’s a chef there.]

[singing] Keep smiling, [Chef: Hi, Ms. Walwick] keep shining

[Chef: Today were–]
you know you can always count on me
for sure

[Dionne Warwick picks up a dish and eats it.]

hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm

Oh, pretty good. Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her couch. The Chef is ignored.]

Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest. Ms. William Eyelash.

[Billie Eilish walks in]

Billie Eilish: Hi. Yeah, my name is actually Billie Eilish. I’m a singer.

[singing] I’m a bad type, making mama mad type
I’m a bad guy.

Dionne Warwick: Mm, that’s wonderful. So, Kesha–

Billie Eilish: No. I’m Billie Eilish.

Dionne Warwick: No, I know. So, why does Kesha have a dollar sign? And also Sia with the wig, she got a nose job or something.

Billie Eilish: Are you just going to keep asking me about other people?

Dionne Warwick: Yes. Now, Billie Eilish, you’re spooky. Can you put a hex on Windy Williams for me?

Billie Eilish: I could try.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Thanks for coming.

[Billie Eilish leaves]

Okay. Our next guest has been making all my assistants blush. Timothée Chalamet.

[Timothée Chalamet walks in]

Timothée Chalamet: Oh, man. This is crazy. This is so cool.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. You seem young.

Timothée Chalamet: [laughing] Na. Na. Na. Na. [laughing] I guess.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, young man. That’s enough now. Help me with my phone. It is locked and I’m trying to send a clap back at Windy Williams. I just want to clap back.

Timothée Chalamet: Yes, yes.

[Timothée Chalamet takes the phone from Dionne Warwick and gives her his fist for a fist bump.]

Dionne Warwick: No, I don’t want to fist bump. Okay. You can take that back stage buddy. Alright, now.

[Timothée Chalamet walks out.]

Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Alright, next guest. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Ae-yo. Wad up?

Dionne Warwick: No. That man is here to kill us.

Britney: No. It’s just his name, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: No. I don’t want to chance it, baby. Get him out of here.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Whatever. Peace.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks out.]

Dionne Warwick: Phew! Much better. Alright. Okay, audience. We have come to the best part of the show. Everyone look under your chairs. Everyone gets a– [music starts]

[singing] Do you know the way to San Jose?

[The audience are looking under their chairs.]

Audience: There is nothing there.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. I don’t owe you anything. Thank you for watching the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Snoop, call me, baby!

December to Remember Car Commercial

Nathan… Beck Bennett

Cathy… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Timothée Chalamet

Mike… Mikey Day

[Starts with a father, mother and their son sitting near their Christmas decoration.]

Nathan: Yes, it’ll fit perfectly. Hey, Matt, I think there might be one more gift for your mom right there.

[Matt brings the gift box for Cathy.]

Female voice: It hasn’t been a normal year. So this Christmas, get her something extra ordinary during the Lexux December to Remember sale event.

[There’s a Lexus car key inside the box.]

Cathy: Nathan, you didn’t.

Nathan: With flexible financing and 0% APR, there has never been a better time to buy or lease a new Lexus.

[Nathan runs outside. There’s a very nice car there.]

Matt: Wow!

Nathan: Merry Christmas, baby.

Cathy: [angry] Are you fucking kidding me Nathan? Did you seriously buy a car without asking me?

Nathan: Well, because for Christmas.

Cathy: This is a major purchase.

Nathan: Right. But it was a December to remember.

Cathy: It’s a Lexus. We don’t have the money for this, Nathan.

Matt: We don’t?

Cathy: No, we don’t. Your father doesn’t– Your father hasn’t worked since last March.

Matt: What?

Nathan: Yeah. Covid has hit a lot of people hard and I’m no exception.

Cathy: Nathan, you got fired in March 2019. Covid had nothing to do with it.

Nathan: Hey pal. I guess your old man’s busted.

[Cut to Lexus car commercial]

Female voice: It’s beginning to look a lot like savings. So, get to your local Lexus dealer today.

Cathy: How much did you spend on this ridiculous car, Nathan?

Nathan: It was only 3999 to it’s signing. Four grand. It’s not that much, babe.

Cathy: And how much is the monthly payment?

Nathan: The what?

Cathy: Did you think this entire car cost $4000?

Nathan: Uh-huh.

Cathy: There’s a monthly payment.

Nathan: Yes. With 0% apur. I think it’s all good.

Cathy: Apur? Do you mean APR?

Nathan: I’m pretty sure it’s apur.

Matt: Wow. Just, wow.

Nathan: Hey, come on. It’s Christmas. This is good. I did a good thing for us. [takes a can of beer out of his pocket] Let’s enjoy it. [drinks the beer]

Matt: Dad, it’s nine in the morning.

Nathan: So? It’s not like I have work later. Ha-ha. Come on!

[a neighbor walks to them.]

Mike: Hey.

Nathan: Hey, neighbor.

Mike: You bought a Lexus? You come to me three weeks ago, “Oh, Mike, help me. I need money. I can’t buy Christmas gifts for my family. My wife doesn’t respect me.”

Nathan: I didn’t say that.

Mike: My wife’s cheating on me with everyone.

Matt: Mom, you are? [Cathy just looks away]

Mike: I want to look cool in front of my son’s girlfriend.

Matt: Ew, dad! Is that why you pierced your ear?

Nathan: No, I’ve had this forever. [his piercing is fresh and bleeding]

Mike: I just need five grand to get back on my feet. And then you buy a Lexus?

Nathan: Yes. Well, it was beginning to look a lot like savings at my Lexus dealer.

Mike: I want my money back, man. Tomorrow! [looks at Cathy] Hey, Cathy. [Cathy waves at him with flirty looks]

Nathan: What is that look?

Cathy: You know what? We’re taking this car back to the dealership now.

Matt: I better drive.

Nathan: Maybe we stop by Jenna’s on the way over. She this cool car your dad got. Hah?

Cathy: Shut up.

Female voice: Give the gift of Lexus. And definitely, talk it over first.

Coronavirus Holiday

Rony… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Andrew Dismukes

Oral… Bowen Yang

Genital… Chloe Fineman

Spike… Timothée Chalamet

Spanish Influenza… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now, a Rona family Christmas.

[Cut to Rona Family. They’re humand with corona like crown spikes on their heads.]

Rony: I can’t believe 2020 is almost over. I’m gonna miss it.

Cecily: I know. We’ve been traveling non-stop all year. China, Italy, New York, Florida. How great is Florida?

Rony: Oh, so great. I just wish we had a break for more holiday parties. I mean, how many can the White House throw?

[doorbell ringing]

Cecily: Oh! Oh-oh! I think I know who that is.

[Cecily opens the door. Daughter walks in.]

Hey, my baby girl’s home.

Daughter: Hi, mom.

Cecily: How was your first semester at college?

Daughter: Oh, it was incredible. It took out like, a whole dorm.

Cecily: Oh. We are so proud of you, honey.

Rony: Our little girl’s a super spreader.

Daughter: Oh. And I wanted you guys to meet this guy I’ve started mutating with.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hi.

Daughter: Not to put him on the spot, but we did meet on the contact tracing app.

Andrew: Yes. I swabbed her right.

Daughter: Yes, and he’s kind of famous.

Andrew: Oh well, I guess a little.

Daughter: Oh, come on. Tell them.

Andrew: Alright. It’s not big deal. I was the one who infected Hanks.

Cecily: Tom Hanks?

Rony: Wow! That was basically the Super Bowl of infections. What do you do next?

Andrew: I’m going to Disney World.

All: Laughing.

Rony: Hey! This one’s a keeper.

[doorbell ringing]

Cecily: Wait. Now, who is that?

[A couple walks in]

Couple: Hi.

Oral: It’s your neighbors. We just wanted to pop out of nowhere and say hello.

Cecily: Well, this is a surprise. Honey, have you met the herpes?

Daughter: I haven’t, actually. Even though, statistically, I probably should have.

Oral: I’m Oral and this is my wife Genital.

Genital: Please call me Jen.

[Spike walks in. Villain’s music is playing.]

Spike: Hey! What’s the matter? Aren’t you going to introduce them to your other child?

Rony: Wow, look who’s awake before it’s 6PM, just in time to start drinking.

Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Am I a little disinfected? At least I’m not a hoax like rest of this family.

Genital: Sorry, maybe now is not a good time.

Oral: Yes. It’s like, the herpes always show up when you’re stressed out.

Cecily: I’m sorry.

Genital: No, no. It’s fine. We’ll come back.

Oral: We always do.

[Oral and Genital leave]

Cecily: Well, that was incredibly rude.

Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Are my proteins not perfect like my little sis? Back from her first semester of the University of Phoenix in person?

Rony: We gave you every opportunity. We paid to send you to New Zealand and now look, zero cases. People are going to concerts there. It’s a disgrace.

Cecily: Think of your poor grandmother, Spanish Influenza.

[Spanish Influenza is there knitting a sweater]

Spanish Influenza: Come on! Give me a kiss, I’ll kill you.

Cecily: Now, she infected the whole world and that was before airplanes.

Spanish Influenza: Ai. Uno Ve Sito. I kill everyone.

Rony: If you don’t start infecting again, your career’s over. You’re gonna end up like those washed up viruses on “Dancing With the SARS”.

Cecily: Maybe you’d feel better if you dined indoors more.

Spike: Hey! I’m just following Cuomo’s ‘Stay at home’ order.

Rony: You do not mention Cuomo in this household.

Spike: Why not? A lot of people say he’s the only real leader in this country right now.

Rony: You know damn well that President Trump is the only one looking out for us. We wouldn’t still be here without Trump.

Cecily: And Trump introduced us to everyone he knows. Even after he was infected. Now that’s the class act.

Daughter: Guys. Do we really need to talk politics right now?

Rony: Your brother is living in the clouds when he should be living on surfaces.

Spike: Oh yeah? Well I heard you’re not even deadlier than the regular flu.

Cecily: Spike! You take that back!

Rony: No, no. Let the big man talk. You think you’re big enough to hit your old man?

Daughter: Dad, stop.

Spike: Are you even my dad? Maybe mom just landed on a lung cell and replicated.

Rony: Sometimes I wish you weren’t my son.

Spike: Oh yeah? Well it must be Christmas because your wish just came true. I’m getting the vaccine.

[Everyone’s shocked]
Rony: You wouldn’t.

Spike: Watch me. Pretty soon, I’ll have the antibodies.

Rony: He’s joining the radical ANTIBO.

Cecily: Why are you doing this to us?

Spike: Because mom, you never had time for me. You never went to a single one of my NFL games. Dad’s been so focused on the second wave, he can’t even hear his first born son crying out for help.

Cecily: Rony, say something.

Rony: You’re a great virus, son. Your laughter has always been so infectious and you gave those tigers at the Bronx zoo covid, remember? I don’t know how the hell you pulled that off.

Spike: I snuck in their butts.

Rony: I know I don’t say this enough, but I’m proud of you.

Cecily: We all, we have so much to be grateful for this Christmas. To think at this time last year, we were just a glimmer in the eye of a sick bat. I know the odds are stacked against us, but maybe 2021 will be even better.

Daughter: And we were going to wait to tell you this, but we are engaged.

Andrew: Yeah. And we’re moving in to Rudy Giuliani.

All: Yay! [celebrating]

Weekend Update- Trump Loses Election Lawsuits

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Yesterday, Trump’s lawyer has opened another door on their advent calendar of losing as they had election lawsuits tossed in six different states proving once again that this administration will never stop fighting … except the coronavirus. In a psychotic onlyfans video this week, Trump said that this was a rigged election at the highest level. Dude, you’re the highest level. You are in charge when the election happened. And hey, look, I’ll believe any conspiracy you want as long as in 44 days, you leave. Okay? I will believe anything. That there were suitcases of hidden ballots. I’ll believe that the votes were counted illegally in Spain. Or this is a real theory, that North Koreans in ships dropped off ballots in Maine. Because you know, it’s easier for North Koreans to get to the east coast. Whatever you want us to believe, sir, I’m in. I see you. You is smart. You is kind. You is important. But you is need to go.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC has recommended that the first people in the US to receive covid vaccines should be healthcare workers and residential nursing homes. While the first people to actually receive it will be guests at Colin and Scarlett’s holiday yacht party. I got mixed feelings on this vaccine. On one hand, I’m black. Naturally, I don’t really trust it. But on the other hand, I’m on a white TV show. So, I might actually get the real one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former presidents Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush have all volunteered to film themselves getting shot of the covid vaccine. And to reach their target demos, Obama’s will air on MSNBC, Bush’s on Fox News and Clinton’s on Brazzers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Jared Kushner at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know what that is. It was reported that president Trump has been discussing the possibility of issuing a pre-emptive pardon for Jared Kushner. His price? One night with Kushner’s wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sources also say that Trump is considering giving a pre-emptive part into Rudy Giuliani, I assume for Rudy’s crime of murdering his own legacy. Giuliani as seen here emerging from the vat of chemicals he fell in to while fighting Batman, continued to strengthened his eventual sanity defense when he went to Michigan so push his voter fraud conspiracy theories. Yes, at one point in the hearing, Giuliani audibly farted. Which was somehow a high point in terms of dignity. if you haven’t seen it, have a listen.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani speaking in the court]

Rudy Giuliani: The answer that I gave you is they didn’t bother to interview a single [fart] witness. Just like you.\

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You gotta respect that he just kept going. Just a total pro. But you know that your election fraud theories are pretty dumb when even your butt is like, “Objection!”

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Staten Island COVID-19 Protests

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Speaker Colin Jost: On Wednesday, residents of Staten Island held a large rally outside Max Pub to protest restrictions on indoor dining. With more on this, Staten Island native, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. Thank you. It’s gonna be hard to follow that Giuliani fart. Thank you. Yeah, I saw the protest. People were outside the bar shouting about freedom, taunting the cops, chanting that they should arrest the governor, but it’s Staten Island. So, I assume that it was just like a typical last call.

Speaker Colin Jost: Are you against these protests?

Speaker Pete Davidson: I mean, kind of, but I’m also just happy I’m no longer the first thing people think of when they say, “What’s the worst thing about Staten Island.”

Speaker Colin Jost: Come on. That’s not true. People like you.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. But not in the right way. I don’t get to host the Emmy’s like you and Che. But I did just find out there’s an Etsy store selling Pete Davidson Vibrators. Yeah, how weird is that? You can buy a vibrator with my face on it for $15 or one without my face for $20. I don’t even get a cut of the sales. Now I know how Chappelle feels.

Speaker Colin Jost: Back to the pub. What exactly were they protesting?

Speaker Pete Davidson: Well, the bar shockingly is in a neighborhood with the second highest covid infections in all of New York. The rule is that they’re supposed to let people eat or drink outside. The owner said no one wants to do that because they’ll go out of business. But the argument that people in Staten Island don’t want to drink outside can be disproven by going to literally any little league game. One guy at the protest even gave a speech where he literally compared not being able to drink indoors to being Jewish during the holocaust which must have been awkward for the people there who had to suddenly pretend they believed in the holocaust.

Speaker Colin Jost: So, i take it that you found these protest frustrating.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah, man. That make it us look like babies. You know it’s bad when even people in Boston are like, “Ah! Drink it home, you queers!”

Speaker Colin Jost: Do you think the people should stay at home until the pandemic gets better?

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. Everyone wants to go have fun. There’s plenty of stuff you could do at home. Like, use your official Pete Davidson Vibrator.

Speaker Colin Jost: I didn’t realize it was official now.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. I just decided it was. It’s a quality item and it’s weirdly accurate. How did they know how white it is?

Speaker Colin Jost: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess just a lucky guess. You said that you were staying home. Do you have any plans for the holiday?

Speaker Pete Davidson: Actually, yes. I’m doing this online table read of “It’s a wonderful life for charity.” It’s with a bunch of other actors I love too. I get to play George Bailey. Then we’ll stream it online to raise money.

Speaker Colin Jost: That’s really great, Pete.

Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah, you would think. Yeah. You should tell that to the thousands of people on Twitter who are extremely angry about it. Why are they so mad that I’m doing a little online table read of “It’s a wonderful life”? It’s an old timey film about a guy who is suicidal. I’m famously depressed and have the complexion of someone in a black and white movie. I get it, if it was an actual movie remake of “It’s a wonderful life”, yeah, I’d be an odd casting choice. It would be like, rebooting “The God Father” with Post Malone. Yeah, he’ll make you an offer you can’t understand.

Speaker Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!

Speaker Pete Davidson: Buy one. Get over it.

 

Weekend Update- Melania’s Christmas Decorations, Hamilton Returns

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Christmas decoration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Melania Trump revealed that the theme of this year’s White House Christmas decoration is “America the beautiful” which is a big change from her previous theme “Eyes wide shut.” [picture changes to Melania Trump’s last year’s decoration.]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a moon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, there was a full moon known as the beaver moon, which can be seen about a month after a waxing moon.

Michael Che: That’s a goo joke.

[picture changes to a picture of Hamilton show]

Colin Jost: Insiders are saying that producers for the broadway hit Hamilton are planning to reopen the show on July 4th. Hopefully with some god damn white actors this tome!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Drake and a candle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Drake has released a line of scented candles that smell like him. And unfortunately, so had DJ Khaled.

[Picture changes to a news articles saying ‘Doctor removes magnetic beads from 5 year old.]

Doctors in China removed more than a 120 magnetic beads swallowed by a 5 year old boy. Wow. Wait till his boss at the factory hears about this.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a horse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Firefighters in Florida rescued a horse that fell into a septic tank and was nearly submerged in raw sewage. A horse submerged in raw sewage is also known as an Arby’s Beef N’ Cheddar. [picture changes to Arby’s burger]

[Cut to Arby’s commercial]

Male voice: Arby’s, we eat the horse.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: 102 year old woman from New York who survived the 1918 Spanish flu has now beat coronavirus twice. But sadly, she was no match for my car.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Poland at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The world’s deepest swimming pool has opened in Poland. Even more amazing, it’s above ground.

Weekend Update- Bailey Gismert on Old Movies

Michael Che

Bailey Gismert… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Movie theaters in many parts of the country have been unable to operate fully since March. Here to comment is teem movie critic and star of her own YouTube channel “Bailey at the Movies”, please welcome Bailey Gismert.

[Bailey Gismert slides in. She looks shy.]

[cheers and applause]

Bailey Gismert: Hey, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, Bailey. It’s good to see you. It has been a while.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. So, Michael Che missed me. Creepy.

Michael Che: Alright, Bailey. So, since most theaters are closed, what have you been watching?

Bailey Gismert: Well, since I can’t watch news, my dad’s been making me watch super old movies.

Michael Che: That’s kind of awesome. What did you watch? “Casablanca”, “Citizen Kane”?

Bailey Gismert: Um, try like, “Forrest Gump”.

Michael Che: That’s not that old.

Bailey Gismert: Okay, so, we like, watched “Forrest Gump” and I’m sorry, but you can’t do that anymore. Like, Bubba, Jenny and Forrest hook up? That’s a gray area, Michael. Also, did you know Tom Hanks used to have a problem? I’ve only ever seen him as David S. Pumpkins, but seeing him when he was young, like, he has overcome a lot.

Michael Che: No, no. Bailey. That’s a character. Tom Hanks is just acting.

Bailey Gismert: What? You can’t do that anymore, Michael. Like, he’s doing the voice and everything. Like, they should have casted actual Forrest Gump, if you know what I mean, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah, I know what you mean. Let’s just move on. Did you watch any other movies?

Bailey Gismert: Yeah. We saw all the 90’s best pictures. The next one was “American Beauty”, and you just can’t do that anymore, Michael.

Michael Che: Right. Because of Kevin Spacey.

Bailey Gismert: No. Like, plastic bags, Michael. They’re just watching it circle around and– It could strangle a duck, Michael.

Michael Che: Okay, got it. Did you watch any best pictures you liked?

Bailey Gismert: Yes. “The silence of the lambs” was cool. I wasn’t like, laugh out loud funny but there were really some funny moments for sure.

Michael Che: Really? What was your favorite part?

Bailey Gismert: I guess like, Buffalo Bill the [mumbling]

Michael Che: Buffalo Bill the serial killer? Do you like him, Bailey?

Bailey Gismert: Stop. Stop. I know you’re like, 45 , but shut up.

Michael Che: I’m not.

Bailey Gismert: I don’t like Buffalo Bill. Yeah. So, he’s a dog dad and his dancing is fire, but I don’t like him.

Michael Che: Well, good. Because he’s a serial killer.

Bailey Gismert: In your opinion. Just like, don’t tell me I like him because Buffalo Bill loves the chase.

Michael Che: I’m sorry, Bailey. I didn’t mean to make you upset.

Bailey Gismert: I’m not. Stop! Urgh! Oh my god. Stop. I’m just like, running on fumes. I know around here it’s an election year and the nation is watching or whatever. But you’re never in sketches. So, you barely work. But I’m like, overwhelmed. I nailed my choir solo. So now, there’s a target on my back. I had to sell my mom’s masks. And top of all that, next week I have to drink a bunch of milk.

Michael Che: Why do you have to do that?

Bailey Gismert: I’m a lady Santa. It’s 2020, Michael.

Michael Che: Well, Bailey, I’m glad you’re still doing what you’re doing.

Bailey Gismert: Okay. If you’re as hungry for my ass as Michael, make sure you smash that subscribe button below.

Michael Che: Bailey, this isn’t online.

Bailey Gismert: Yeah, I know. I can’t even find SNL on Netflix. You know that’s bad, right?

Michael Che: Bailey Gismert, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

The Christmas Conversation

Lauren Holt

Lauren’s mom… Heidi Garner

Ego Nwodim

Ego’s mom… Punkie Johnson

Marie… Chloe Fineman

Marie’s mom… Kate McKinnon

Marie’s dad… Jason Bateman

[Starts with Lauren video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Lauren’s mom: Hi, honey. I miss you so much.

Lauren: Hi, mom. I miss you too.

[Cut to Ego video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Ego’s mom: Oh, hey, baby. You called me just in time. I’m just in here making gumbo. I bet you miss my cooking now, don’t you?

Ego: You know I do, mama.

[Cut to Marie video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Marie: Hey, mom.

Marie’s mom: Hi, wait. I look terrible right now. Do we have to screentime?

Marie: Mom. You look fine.

Marie’s mom: Okay.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I was calling because I just wanted to let you know–

Ego: Mama, I don’t want you to get upset

Lauren, Ego and Marie: I won’t be able to come home for Christmas this year.

[Cut to “The Christmas Conversation” video bumper.]

Lauren’s mom: Oh, honey. You do not need to come home for Christmas, okay? I just want you to be safe.

Lauren: Really? Thanks, mom.

Lauren’s mom: Yeah. And I guess since you won’t be coming, I’ll just throw your stocking in the fire.

Lauren: Mom!

Ego: I just don’t think it’s safe.

Ego’s mom: Okay. Let’s talk about this later.

Ego: When?

Ego’s mom: When you’ve changed your damn mind.

Marie: I just don’t think it makes sense for me to travel right now.

Marie’s mom: If you don’t love me, Marie, just say so.

Marie: Oh my god! Mom!

Marie’s mom: I didn’t raise a coward.

Lauren’s mom: I totally agree about Christmas. But I do need you to come home tonight. There has been an emergency. Because I actually put all your old stuff in bags and I’ll need you to tell me what to donate. What about your first christening dress? is to keep or?

[Now, Maries dad is also with her mom.]

Marie’s dad: You know, your mother really misses you.

Marie: I know dad.

Marie’s dad: Are you not getting mad?

Marie: I know.

Marie’s dad: Is your heart not working, baby? This is your mother here.

Marie: I can tell.

Lauren’s mom: Oh my god! Look at that. Your first track meet. Remember how fast you were? How fast you were when you ran away from me half way across the country to Chicago? Should I get rid of it? Great!

Ego’s mom: We’re being safe. We’ve even quarantined in different rooms.

Ego: What? Why?

Ego’s mom: For safety.

[Ego’s dad joins the video call]

Ego’s dad: Hi, sweetie.

Ego’s mom: Your daughter has decided not to come home for Christmas this year.

Ego’s dad: [smiling] Oh, that’s okay. We’re gonna miss you, pumpkin.

Ego’s mom: No, it’s not okay, Ray.

Ego’s dad: [suddenly agreeing with his wife] No, it’s not okay and you need to come home.

Marie’s mom: Fine, we will fly to you.

Marie: Mom! No!

Marie’s mom: Why? It’s fine. I will quarantine in the plane bathroom.

Marie’s dad: Great fix darling. And daddy wears racket ball goggles to keep the virus out of my eyes. How about that?

Marie: That’s not how it works!

Marie’s mom: What if I died in a plane crash?

Marie’s dad: That’s a great point.

Marie’s mom: And that was the last thing you said to me?

Marie’s dad: Think about your dead mother.

Marie: That can’t happen if you don’t fly on a plane!

Lauren’s mom: [lying on the ground] Oh my god! The worst has happened. I’ve had a fall.

Lauren: Mom! I know you didn’t fall. You laid down very gingerly. I saw the whole thing.

Ego’s mom: Ray, aren’t you going to say anything?

Ego’s dad: We love you unconditionally.

Ego’s mom: No. Not that.

Ego’s dad: We love you conditionally? Just tell me what you want me to say. I’ll say it.

Marie’s dad: Are you seeing what you’ve done here. [her mom is facing away crying] I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Marie: You guys are insane.

Marie’s mom: I never visited my own mother enough. I guess this is my punishment.

Ego’s mom: Who you want to see that you can’t come home? Hah? I know you ain’t got no man.

Ego: Oh my god! Mom!

Marie’s dad: Your mother and I are being super, super safe.

[doorbell ringing]

Marie’s mom: Oh, that’s probably Bob. Excuse me. [goes to answer the door]

Marie: Who is Bob?

Marie’s dad: Oh, Bob is Sophie’s front line worker husband.

Marie’s mom: Bob! Come in.

Marie’s dad: Get in here.

Marie’s mom: Guys, masks off. We’re cool.

Marie: Please get these people out of your home.

Lauren’s mom: I guess that’s why I don’t get to have a family for Christmas.

Ego’s mom: I didn’t realize how much I like being by myself.

Ego: Calm down!

[Lauren’s mom is just screaming]

Lauren: What’s happening?

Marie’s dad: Honey, listen. We are going to miss you but we’re always gonna love you. Right here.

Marie: I love you too.

Ego’s mom: We still love you, baby.

Ego’s dad: We love you.

Lauren’s mom: I miss you, but I love you.

Lauren: I love you too, mom.

Marie’s mom: But I’d love you more if you came home. I don’t know, who’s to say? I’m kidding. I love you.

Stu

Santa… Jason Bateman

Elves… Chloe Fineman, Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

Stu… Pete Davidson

Dido… Kate McKinnon

Elton John… Bowen Yang

[Starts with elves reading letters from children to Santa]

Elf: But the thing i want more than anything in the whole world is a new bike. Love, chase.

Santa: Ho ho ho! What a good boy! Let’s give him that bike and a helmet!

Elf: Good thinking, Santa!

Elf: Oh, and here’s one from Emily. “Dear Santa, this year I want a Disney princess mirror!”

Shanta: That’s exactly what she’ll get, huh? Who’s next? Rupert?

Elf: Um…

Santa: Rupert, what is it?

Elf: It’s just, heh, mine’s a little weird.

Santa: I’m sure it’s not that weird. just read it!

Elf: Um, okay. But it starts normal enough. Dear Santa…

[Cut to underground where 1 is writing a letter. It’s a copy of music video of “Stan” bye Eminem ft. Dido.]

[“Stan” instrumental playing]

Stu: [rapping] Dear Santa, I can’t believe the year is almost over
It’s getting colder, I’m a year older, but I’m still your soldier
You’re my hero because you always bring me the assist
So once again we’re back to zero, here we go, my Christmas list
I won’t be greedy or needy or ask you for too much
Just want one thing, and I hope you still got that magic touch
’cause gettin’ this present is the only thing keeping me alive
Dear Santa Claus, please bring me a PS5
I tried to buy one at Walmart, ran around the mall like Paul Blart
Tried to buy one on sale, but the thing was, they’re all out
Yo, I even went to a game stop, but then I went “Oh, wait, stop!
Santa Claus can make one, he’s got his own workshop.”
I know you prob’ly hear this every day, but you got a cool hat
I love that movie you did with Will Ferrell, man, elf was phat
Anyways, I love the things you do
Don’t forget, bring me gift, truly i believe in you
This is Stu

[Cut to an elf dropping Stu’s letter on the floor while delivering them to Santa]

Dear Santa, I notice you never wrote me a letter back
That’s fine, dawg, but really, I think that’s kinda wack
If you can’t help your biggest fan, then you should just retire
Or next time you slide down my chimney, I’ll set your ass on fire
Just playin’, I still love you, don’t think that I’m obsessed
I even got a tattoo of your name across my chest
Just bring that PS5, bro, if it’s the only thing you do
Sincerely, Stu. p.s. we should live together. cue dido

[Cut to Dido sleeping on a mattress holding a PS5]

Dido: [singing] Stu is waiting for his surprise
To open up a PS5
He just really wants to play
Assassin’s creed on Christmas day
But he can’t buy it himself because he lost his job
He was stealing from his boss
I’d be worried ’cause he’s a scary guy
A scary guy

[Cut to Stu driving a car in a raining night. He’s recording his message while driving.]

Stu: Dear mister holly jolly two-faced son of a bitch
I hope you crash your sleigh and wind up face-down in a ditch
I guess even the great saint Nick can’t track down a PS5
Hey Santa, I drank a fifth of eggnog, dare me to drive
You ruined Christmas, I wish I never told you what was on my wishlist
Screw you, your elves, your stupid beard, and your bitch tits
So this’ll be my last letter, i know you’ll miss me when I’m gone
Sincerely yours, Stu. ladies and gentlemen, sir Elton John

[Cut to Elton John singing while playing piano]

Elton John: [singing]This year Christmas will be bad
’cause Santa sucks and Stu is sad
Already asked you really nicely
And now he’s really pissed off
I’m just telling you ’cause I like you a lot
I’m a big fan of Santa
And I also want a PS5
A PS5

[Cut to Santa and elves talking]

Elf: Santa, this is serious!

Elf: Don’t panic, don’t panic!

Elf: I’m freaking out! Aaaah!

Santa: All right, all right! I think it’s time I write a letter back to Stu.

[rapping] Dear Stu, I think you got the wrong address, bro.
I’m not Santa Claus. Bye Bye!”

Elf: Damn!

[Cut to a TV screen It shows Eminem reading a letter from Santa]

Eminem: What’s this? “To shady, from Santa.” That’s crazy, a PS5? I didn’t even ask for this. Shady must have been a good boy this year. Sorry, Stu. You f—– up

Sleepover 2

Father… Jason Bateman

Jean… Heidi Gardner

Angel… Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Megan… Kate McKinnon

Stacey… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a father interrupting girls’ sleepover]

Father: Hey, hey, hey, girls. I’m sorry to interrupt. Lame ass dad is interrupting the sleepover. I’m just kidding. It’s me and I’m sorry that I cursed. Okay. Now, I wanted to talk to you girls please.

Jean: Is everything okay, dad?

Father: Absolutely. I don’t want to make anybody feel bad but something has happened upstairs. It’s a little bit embarrassing to talk about as a dad but it is totally natural. So, we’ll just– we’re gonna talk it out.

Girls: Okay.

Father: Alright. It looks as if someone has left a… um… a… a… a menstrual period stain on one of the couch cushions. It’s sort of big.

Jean: Oh, no! Will it come out?

Father: Well, whoever did it tried to put the whole cushion in the washing machine .

Angel: Did that break it?

Father: It sure did break it, angel. It broke it real bad. It overflowed and I think that the person panicked and tried to hide all the suds in your backpacks. Then they put the cushion in the dryer which really baked it in.

Ego: Oh, no.

Father: Yes. Yeah. Then they found some scissors. They cut a hole on the cushion which made the feathers from inside sort of explode all over the place. Jean, where’s Megan?

Jean: Um.. I don’t know. She went upstairs like, a long time ago.

Father: Yeah. Okay.

[Megan walks down. Her hair is messy and all the pillow feathers are on her.]

Megan: Hey, what’s up?

Father: There she is. Hello, Megan. Can you please join us here on the couch? We’re just having a little chat because well, somebody had their period on a cushion and put a real big part of the couch in the wash.

Megan: [trying to act shocked] Whoa! You kidding me?

Father: Yeah. No, I’m not kidding at all.

Megan: [looking at the girls] Man, one of you has got a lot of explaining to do. Alright, I’m gonna head out. Happy birthday.

Father: No, no, no. I’d love you to stick around. We’re just talking with your gal pals here trying to do a little figuring out of a mystery and we’re just trying to figure out what happened.

Megan: Yeah, I think we should. There is a sicko among us. But it’s definitely not me because I wear monster tamps. I just like the way it feels. Big tamp in there. You know? Just take the applicator, put it in and then you poop it up.

Father: Well, I’d sure love less details.

Megan: Also, sir, I do wear a big leather underwear. Motorcycle style. I’m kink for sure.

Father: Even less would be dynamite.

Megan: [whispering on Father’s ear] Honestly, it was probably Stacey. She rides horses. Probably stretched herself out. The gate is open, if you know what I mean.

Stacey: Oh, man. Don’t talk about my gate.

Father: Okay, listen. I’m going to keep going with what happened. They took one of the pillows from our bed and brought that to replace the couch cushion but I guess they went ahead and they bled on that too.

Megan: Honestly, depraved.

Father: Then they sat on the floor, so there’s a part of the carpet that has been cut out now.

Megan: That’s just quick thinking.

Stacey: That’s a lot of stains.

Megan: Look, whoever did it, just come forward. Okay? We all get the same period, you guys. Jaundice, eight day vomit, homicidal ideations, speaking in tongues.

Ego: I don’t know that we share that.

Megan: We were all put on the pill and our bodies all fought it off. We all got an IUD and it rusted and passed.

Father: Girls, that’s enough. Here is the deal. The house is a rental. I’m gonna need to get my deposit back. So, unless I can give them some answers–

Megan: Come on, you guys. It is not a big deal. Just tell the hot dad that you kill billed his living room.

Father: Megan, I’d sure love to talk to you over here. Can we have a little side bar?

Megan: Ay, ay, captain.

Father: Okay. I want to give you a chance away from everyone else. Is there anything that you want to tell me?

Megan: I would like to make love to both you and your wife.

Father: Is there anything else that you would like to say?

Megan: You see, right now, it’s Megan0-Megan0 whether I will grow up to be gay. I propose we settle the question tonight with a game of spin the bottle. You, me, your wife.

Father: Okay. Never mind. I give up.

Angel: Wait. I have to confess something. I got a stain on a cushion and I put it in the washing machine. I’m sorry.

Stacey: Wait. I also got a stain on a cushion and put it in the washing machine.

Ego: Actually, so did I.

Jean: And I got a stain on a cushion, a sleeping bag, my training bra and the cockatiel. And I put them all on the washing machine.

Father: Girls. Thank you. I really appreciate your honesty. Megan, is there anything honest you would like to say to me?

Megan: No, there is not.

Father: Okie dokie. Please get back to your sleepover. Enjoy yourself. I’m sure everything is just going to be okay.

Girls: Thanks.