Tag: season 46

Santa’s Village

Steven… Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Elf… Kyle Mooney

Santa…Jason Bateman

Mrs. Clause… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a couple with their daughter in a mall]

Steven: You know, I was nervous about coming indoors with all these strangers, but the mall really is the most magical place at Christmas.

Melissa: It’s only place to see Santa and hot topic.

Steven: And I’m just so impressed with all the safety protocols they haven’t placed, right?

Melissa: Wait, what is that?

[a robot with a tablet on his face comes in. The tablet is displaying a video of a person speaking live with them.]

Elf: It’s me, jingle bells, the virtual contactless elf. Welcome to Santa’s social distancing Santa’s village. Are you ready to meet Santa?

[Daughter nods her head yes]

Melissa: More than ready. Are you sure it’s safe though?

Elf: Safe as it could be. Just stick your hands to my tummy and get some hand sanitizer real quick.

Steven: Ew, why is it in his tummy?

Melissa: Steven, just enjoy the magic of Christmas and stick your hand in the Elf’s tummy and get your hand sanitizer. Okay.

[Steven and Melissa get their hand sanitizer from elf’s tummy.]

Elf: And now the moment you’ve been waiting for. Presenting the king and queen of Christmas. Santa and Mrs. Clause.

[The curtains open. There are Santa and Mrs. Clause inside a plastic ball.]

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. It’s a covid friendly Christmas.

Mrs. Caluse: That’s right. Normally, you’d be sitting on Santa’s lap. And I’d be giving you one of these delicious cupcakes

Santa: But that’s just not safe this year. So, we’re coming to you from inside our magic snow globes.

Mrs. Caluse: That way, we can spread the magic of Christmas without spreading that other thing.

Santa: So, step right up here and give Santa a nice big high-five right through the bubble here.

[Santa falls and rolls inside the ball]

Mrs. Caluse: John! I mean, Santa! Are you okay?

Santa: Off the base, baby!

Mrs. Caluse: Are you okay, John?

Santa: Do I look okay? I’m loose. You’re supposed to secure the base.

Mrs. Caluse: I thought you meant that like, a political thing.

Santa: Why would I think that?

Mrs. Caluse: Politics season. I don’t know, John.

Daughter: Is Santa okay?

Melissa: I’m not sure, sweetie.

Steven: And who’s John?

Mrs. Caluse: Oh, that’s just Mrs. Clause’s nick name for her clumsy husband. You know, why don’t you come here and give me the high-five?

[Mrs. Caluse falls and rolls inside the ball]

Santa: What happened?

Mrs. Caluse: Oh, no! Oh, no!

Santa: Patrice?

Melissa: Patrice… I’m sorry. Does Mrs. Clause need help?

Mrs. Caluse: No, no, no. I was just so excited to eat my cupcakes, I forgot to use my hand, and I smashed them directly in my face.

Santa: Yes, yes. Everything is okay! This is what we wanted to do. Exactly where I wanted my acting career, Patrice.

Mrs. Caluse: John, stop. No, no. Now, little girl, why don’t you come tell Santa what you want for Christmas?

Steven: Yeah. I’m not sending my child up there while you’re loose like that.

Santa: Then I will come to you, sir. Santa has got it now. They’re just steps.

Steven: No, no, no.

[Santa falls and rolls to them.]

Santa: Son of a–

Melissa: Can you call for help, Jingle Bells?

Elf: Well, I’m using my phone to do this elf thing with you. She’ll be fine.

Mrs. Caluse: No, no, no. I don’t know if I am fine. I think that cupcake plugged my hole. I can’t feel my hole.

Santa: Somebody please clear Patricia’s hole. Somebody with little fingers please. You, sir.

Steven: No, I don’t want to clear your wife’s hole. I’m sorry.

Daughter: Is Santa and his wife going to be okay?

Santa: No, no. She’s not my wife.

Mrs. Caluse: Yeah. No, we’re recently separated. I mean, we live together but it’s complicated.

Steven: Hey! Out daughter doesn’t need to hear any of that.

Melissa: And I think you hit your nose or something because you’re bleeding from it.

[Santa’s nose is bloody]

Santa: Oh, dammit. Are you for real? One week after my nose job. Patrice, this is unbelievable. Complete waste of money.

Mrs. Caluse: John, your beautiful face.

Santa: You still think I look beautiful?

Mrs. Caluse: Yeah, I do.

Santa: Bless you.

Melissa: You know what? Maybe we should just go. Our daughter already left.

Steven: She did? Where is she?

Elf: She can be anywhere. It’s a big mall. But you paid for a picture. You still want it?

Melissa: Yeah.

Steven: I mean, with John and Patrice? I guess so.

Elf: Okay, get in front of their balls and say Merry Christmas.
Santa: Wonderful. Wonderful. Please. Get close. Don’t be frightened.

[Mrs. Caluse rolls over Steven.]

Everything is under control. Put your arm around me darling. Don’t push on me. Don’t push on me.

[Santa rolls over Melissa.]

Outdoor Cabaret

Charlie… Bowen Yang

Devin… Jason Bateman

Billy Moon… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a live music show in a restaurant]

Ladies: [singing] We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

[Charlie walks to the stage]

Charlie: Wow, wow. What a safe song choice. Thanks so much for joining us this evening at a outdoor cabaret folks. As always, you’ve Devin tickling the ivories. Say hi, Devin.

[Devin is on the piano. He is wearing a PPE and full face plastic protection.]

Devin: Um, they’re less ivory. They’re more plastic, Charlie. My actual piano got stolen last week. Do you remember? You just sat there and you watched?

Charlie: Devin! Well, everyone. It’s me, Charlie Viig. I was a main stay here at the duplex in the great performance. And hey, one of my favorite performance just got back from a trip abroad. Please give a downtown welcome to the legendary, Mr. Billy Moon.

[Billy walks to the stage]

Billy: Isn’t it marvelous? You’ve made the outside look like inside.

Charlie: That’s right. Tell the people where you’ve been the last nine months?

Billy: Well, since March, I’ve been on the only cruise ship with zero infections. So, we just never got off.

Charlie: Oh, my god! So, you were just floating out there?

Billy: Uh-huh.

Charlie: Well, thank god you made it out. Billy, shall we sing to celebrate your joyous return?

Billy: Let’s try.

[music playing]

Charlie: [singing] Oh, yet a trouble

Billy: Happy day

Charlie: Come on get happy

Billy: I hear again, skies

Charlie: Shout hallelujah

Billy: Shout and sing a song

Charlie: Let’s get happy

Billy: Out here again

Charlie: Get ready for

Billy: Happy days are here again

Billy: Charlie! I have to say. I love that there’s a doctor here tonight.

Devin: No, I’m not a doctor. I’m just respecting science. It’s me, Billy.

Billy: Devin? Why are you wearing all that gauze?

Devin: Oh, I’m protecting myself because Charlie is trying to achieve herd immunity in the cabaret world.

Charlie: Well, if the sweets can do it.

Devin: They did not.

Charlie: Oh, and a reminder, folks. If you want drinks, you have to order food too.

[Cut to a waiter. He is also wearing a PPE and full face plastic protection. He has one hotdog in his one hand.]

Waiter: I’ve only got one hotdog left. So everybody, just take a bite and pass it. Okay?

Charlie: Billy, you know what the best way to thank health care workers who are begging us to stay inside is?

Billy: To go outside and sing for a crowd. This one’s for you, doctor! [pointing at Devin]

Devin: Still me, Devin. Okay? And this plastic keyboard is officially melting. Anyway we can back this heat lamp off like, Charlie0 feet?

Billy: What do you say, Charlie?

Charlie: [singing] The sun is shining

Billy: out together

Charlie: now get happy

Billy: shout it now

Charlie: the lord is waiting to take your hand

shout hallelujah

Billy: tell the world

Charlie: and just get happy

Billy: about it now

happy days are here again

Billy: Oh, the good old days. Do you remember when I had my picture up?

Charlie: Yes. It was right up at the front by the cash register that said “bounced check”.

Billy: Ha-ha. Well, you can’t blame a girl for trying.

Charlie: But you know what? We’ll survive. I mean, New York’s gotten through tougher times.

Devin: Yes, I remember the Spiderman musical.

Charlie: Oh! Devin! Well, just look at us. I’d say we’re doing pretty well for ourselves. Right?

Devin: Not really, Charlie. Our outdoor set up got decimated by a cab and a bus last week.

Billy: Oh my! Well, did you at least get insurance money?

Devin: No, no. We owe them. We set it up in a turn lne.

Charlie: Yeah. That’s an oopsie on us!

[singing] We’re heading across the river
so your cares will all be gone

Billy: There’ll be no more from now on

Charlie and Billy: From now on

Charlie: now get happy

Billy: shout it now

Charlie: the lord is waiting to take your hand

shout hallelujah

Billy: tell the world

Charlie: and just get happy

Billy: about it now

happy days are here again

Billy: I just want to say. I think as long as we have each other, we’ll get through this.

Devin: The pandemic or the performance?

Charlie: Oh, Devin!

Devin: Kidding. I love you both. But Hobby does need me home.

Charlie: What could he possibly need?

[singing] Happy time


Billy: Happy night

Charlie and Billy: Happy days are here agan

Morgan Wallen Party

Beck Bennett

Andrew Dismukes

Morgan Wallen

Girl… Chloe Bennett

Old Morgan… Jason Bateman

Older Morgan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with guys in a]

Beck: Wow, dude, did you hear? Morgan Wallen’s at the college party, dude.

Andrew: What? But isn’t he supposed to be the musical guest on SNL this week?

Beck: Hell, yeah. I’m sure he’s taking all the necessary covid precautions. So…

[Morgan walks in the door]

Morgan: Alabama! [raising his bottle of beer] To no consequences!

[a girls comes near Morgan cheering]

Girl: Whooo! Oh my god, Morgan. I am such a fan. Do you think we can kiss and I can film it?

Morgan: Only if you promise to post it on social media.

Girl: Okay. Just on TikTok. I promise.

[Morgan starts kissing the girl.]

[Suddenly there’s smoke everywhere. A guy comes out of the smoke.]

Old Morgan: Morgan! Morgan! I cam as soon as I could.

Morgan: Did you just come out of that cloud of weed?

Old Morgan: No, no. That’s just a regular time travel smoke.

Morgan: Time travel?

Old Morgan: That’s right. You see, I am you from the future. I came back here to stop you from partying tonight.

Morgan: Why?

Old Morgan: Well, trust me, somebody’s going to post a video of you ignoring covid protocols. The whole internet’s going to freak out.

Morgan: I just specifically asked her not to post.

Old Morgan: No. I know. I thought it was an airtight approach as well. But once people hear about the party, you’re in big trouble man. You’re gonna get kicked off Saturday Night Live.

Morgan: Na, na. Lorne would never do that.

Old Morgan: No, of course Lorne wouldn’t because he’s ain’t no puss. He’s a got damn man. He’s got balls of size of Toyotas. But the execs in NBC, they’re gonna force his hand, bro.

Morgan: Damn. I don’t wanna screw up an opportunity like that. Or let my fans down. I guess I’ll leave this party then.

Old Morgan: Yeah. I know it’s hard. I actually forgot how fun this party was. I mean, you got cute girls over here. You got tons of booze. I bet there’s whole hell lot of drugs around here. Maybe we stay for like, I don’t know, another five or 10 more minutes?

Morgan: Stay? At this party?

Old Morgan: Yeah. Just for like, 10-20-Morgan0-maybe more minutes. Just to really understand why it’s so raw.

Morgan: I guess. By the way, whatever happens with covid, didn’t they find a vaccine?

Old Morgan: Well I do not know. I’m only from one month in the future.

Morgan: A month?

Old Morgan: That’s right. You partied so hard, his is what you look like after a month.

Morgan: My god!

Old Morgan: Well, you don’t need to react like that, man. Now, is there gonna be a line for kissing or we just kind of free balling?

[Suddenly there’s smoke everywhere. A guy comes out of the smoke.]

Older Morgan: Morgan, no! I came as soon as I could.

Morgan: Hold on. Who are you?

Older Morgan: I’m you from two months in the future.

Morgan: What the hell happened in those two months?

Older Morgan: A lot. Came to warn you to leave this party immediately. [pointing at Old Morgan] And you, I came to warn you about that experimental skin regiment you’re gonna try out.

Old Morgan: Alright.

Older Morgan: It might make you too hot.

Girl: Hey, Morgan! Aren’t you gonna introduce us to your cute friends?

Old Morgan: Yeah, god. Maybe we should stay. Let’s just have a couple of maybe 15 more drinks. Heck, I’m not driving. I’ll tip just for the time machine. How’s that? You know, this whole party’s basically one of our songs.

Older Morgan: And once you write the song about the party, it’s tax right off too.

[Another guy walks to Morgan]

Guy: Enough. I came as soon as I could.

Morgan: Which future me are you?

Guy: I’m not. I’m just a random dude at the party. This time, it was a cloud of weed.

Morgan: Then why did you say you came as soon as you could?

Guy: Because I was so hot, I couldn’t unlock the bathroom door.

Morgan: Alright. Well apparently, I’m the only one who cares about me.

Guy: Not true, Morgan. Your fans care about you. We all care about you. And that cloud of weed has helped me see the future. Your’e gonna do the right thing accept responsibility for what you did tonight.

Morgan: What about SNL?

Guy: They’re gonna have you on two months later. I promise it. There aren’t many people willing to fly to New York right now.

Older Morgan: Hey, two months from now, that’s me.

Morgan: Well, that’s a relief I guess. But I was really excited to be the musical guest when Bill Burr was hosting.

Old Morgan: Well, who knows? Maybe you’ll end up with even a better host, my man!

Morgan: Dave Chappelle?

Old Morgan: Dave Chappelle? No, let’s not get greedy.

Morgan: Well, thank you, future Morgans and random weed guy. You inspired me to write a new song,

Old Morgan: Oh, yeah?

Morgan: It’s called “Focus on the future”.

Old Morgan: Sounds like he’s already in a better mindset.

Morgan: [singing] It’s hard to focus on the future
when the presence full of girls
if all you do is kiss all day
then you’ll miss out on world
So, let’s raise all our glass up
and I’ll thank you in advance
for giving this poor souther boy
a second yankee chance

Old Morgan: That’s beautiful.

All: Second yankee chance

Michigan Hearings Cold Open

Rep. Matt Hall… Mikey Day

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson… Ego Nwodim

Rudy Guliani… Kate McKinnon

Ms. Ellis… Lauren Holt

Melissa Malone… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mike Lindell… Beck Bennett

Fred… Alex Moffat

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

[Starts with C-SPAN schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN which is honestly surprising. Up next: The Michigan state senate hears special testimony regarding allegations of fraud in the Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson0Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson0 presidential election.

[Cut to the representatives in the court]

[cheers and applause]

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. I hereby call this hearing of the senate oversight committee to order. It is my honor and also one of the great horrors of my life to welcome president Trump’s personal attorney Ruby Giuliani.

Rudy Guliani: Thank you, your honor. It’s great to be in a court room where I’m not the defendant.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: This isn’t a courtroom.

Rudy Guliani: Honestly, I’m just happy to be indoors. Now, as my associate Ms. Ellis will prove today, this election was stolen from the American people with a level of trickery not seen since Houdini. [farts] That wasn’t me. That was you guys. But President Trump and I are going to overturn these illegal votes first in Michigan, then in Gerogillvania, and then Pennsichhutes and then North Dekanadan.

Rep. Matt Hall: But isn’t it true that all your lawsuits have been rejected because they’re based on zero actual evidence?

Rudy Guliani: You want evidence? Okay. Well, today I have brought before you a dozen highly intelligent, barely intoxicated individuals who are all eyewitnesses. After hearing their testimony, you’re going to say, “Wow. Rudy was right and he’s getting smarter and more respected everyday.” [farts] [pointing at Ms. Ellis] That was her.

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Giuliani– [he can smell the fart] Oh, god! It’s hitting us up here now. You may call your first witness.

Rudy Guliani: Alright. I would like to present someone who worked directly with dominion voting systems, Miss Melissa Malone.

[Melissa Malone walks in]

Melissa Malone: Thank you. I swear to tell my whole story and nothing about my stories. So, help me god.

Rep. Matt Hall: Please tell us what exactly you witnessed with the dominion machines.

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. Maybe try losing that attitude first just like you lost all those Trump ballots.

Rep. Matt Hall: I don’t handle ballots.

Melissa Malone: Yes, exactly. So, you wouldn’t know, would you?

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Please just talk.

Melissa Malone: You’re going to regret saying that because I personally saw hundreds, if not, thousands of dead people vote.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: You saw them?

Melissa Malone: Yes. Basically yes. I remember because I was walking on and they were walking in. Then they gave their votes to democrats. Then you probably did something crazy with them, didn’t you?

Rep. Matt Hall: I don’t handle ballots and I am a republican.

Melissa Malone: Then you’re literally useless. You have no use. Did you check every poll? Did you talk to all the dead people?

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: We’re state senators.

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. I have been threatened. My kids have been threatened. My kids have threatened me and I’ve threatened them right back.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry, but this testimony is full of lies.

Melissa Malone: I’m not lying. I signed it after David.

Rep. Matt Hall: In after David?

Melissa Malone: Yes. That’s correct. David signed and then I signed right after David.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Okay, Ms. Malone.

Melissa Malone: Hah? You’re just lucky I need another drink.

[Melissa Malone leaves]

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Giuliani. You may call your next witness.

Rudy Guliani: Oh, yes. My next witness needs no introduction or at least I hope she doesn’t because I lost the paper with all her information on it. Honey, you want to come in here?Come on.

[Heidi walks in. She looks drunk.]

Heidi: Good evening, your honor.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m not a judge and it’s 11 AM. Why exactly are you here today?

Heidi: Well, your honor, I’m not proud of this but I need to come forward anyhow. You see, I ate ballots.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry. You ate ballots?

Heidi: That’s right. I didn’t mean to. But the democrats pulled up a food truck and said it’s lunchtime. They opened the truck and it was full. Full of ballot sandwiches, ballot pizzas, ballot steaks and ballot spaghettis.

Rep. Matt Hall: What is a ballot spaghetti?

Heidi: It’s a ballot, then I talk like this.

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. Thank you. Can we have the next witness please?

[There’s Mike Lindell holding a pillow]

Mike Lindell: I will provide witness. Hi, I’m Mike Lindell, inventor of My Pillow. Do you know a demo rat can hide over a million fake ballots a My Pillow and still get a great night sleep, refreshed and ready to steal election? Thanks to My Pillow.

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Lindell, is this a commercial for My Pillow?

Mike Lindell: I would like it to be. Yes.

Rep. Matt Hall: Okay. Let’s keep this moving please.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Are we just gonna let any random person come in here start talking?

[Melissa Malone walks in]

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. We are all here under oath. If you want to talk about random, I voted for Trump, yet Biden won? Hmm. Maybe a little too random. You aren’t even going to admit that dominion cheated.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: How exactly did dominion cheat?

Melissa Malone: Well, for starters, they cheated me out of my cheesy bread.

Rep. Matt Hall: I think you’re confusing dominion with Domino’s.

Melissa Malone: Either way, my vote took longer than Rudy Guliani0 minutes, so it’s supposed to be free.

Rudy Guliani: [whispering to Melissa Malone] Maybe you want to pull it back a little. I’m worried you’re making us look foolish. [farts] Safety.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Mr. Giuliani, your next witness?

Rudy Guliani: Okay. My next witness is extraordinary and I mean that in a mean way. Fred, go nuts. Come on.

[Fred walks in]

Fred: Thanks. Thank you. [Fred looks very angry] What had happened was I was sitting in my backyard when all of a sudden a silver ship hovered above me and a warm light beamed aboard the space craft.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m sorry, this is an alien abduction story?

Fred: Please sir, let me finish. Yes, it was aliens, but the shocking part was this. I saw them clearly filling out absentee ballots all of them for Biden!

Rep. Matt Hall: And when exactly did this happen?

Fred: About seven years ago.

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. Mr. Giuliani, do you have any witnesses that have testimony based in reality?

Rudy Guliani: Yes, I do. The defense calls Nicole Kidman’s character from the Undoing.

[Nicole Kidman walks in]

Nicole Kidman: Your honor, my husband Hugh Grant is innocent. There’s no way he could have been that murderer. He’s too hot and white.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m sorry. Where is your accent supposed to be from?

Nicole Kidman: It’s from the Upper East side of Australia. Crikey, it’s Zabar’s!

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry but do we have to keep listening to these people?

Melissa Malone: Yes, exactly. [now she has a glass of martini in her hand] Because we need to listen to our heart’s and our mimes. Even though it’s fraudulent erection, it can still get you pregnant.

Rudy Guliani: Hey, this chick is really on to something.

Rep. Matt Hall: Could everyone please stop drinking during the hearing?

[now Rudy Guliani also has a glass of whiskey in his hand]

Rudy Guliani: I would love to but if I don’t drink a scotch every 15 minutes, I explode.

Melissa Malone: And this is not drinking. It’s actually the covid vaccine. I’m taking it first because I’m at risk. I got two big old comorbidity titties.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Okay. We’re gonna call this hearing to a close.

[Kyle and Pete walk in]

Kyle: No. This will not stand. We will do the whole thing over again.

Pete: That’s right. If we get one more shot, we can get it right this time.

Rep. Matt Hall: You think we should just re-do the entire election?

Kyle: Oh… No. We’re talking about kidnapping the governor!

Pete: Yeah. If we have one more shot, we can get her to my basement for sure.

Rep. Matt Hall: And out of curiosity, then what?

Kyle: We… yell at her.

Pete: Yeah! Let them all get back to work!

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: And what are your current jobs?

Kyle: I repair things that I’ve broken.

Pete: And I’m curious about fossils.

Rep. Matt Hall: You are both dismissed. Mr. Giuliani, I have to ask, is any of this really appropriate?

[Rudy Guliani has his hands inside his pants.]

Rudy Guliani: Sorry, what? Oh, I blacked out for a second.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Jesus, man. Just wrap it up.

Rudy Guliani: In conclusionI would say the defense rests but we will never rest. Not until this election is overturned or I get a full part and $10 million in cash. If you like what you saw here today, we’re having a press conference right after this at the Ritz-Carlton…. plumbing and heating supply company right off 594 between a dirty movie theater and crematorium. Pets are not only allowed, they’re required.

Rep. Matt Hall: Thank you, Mr. Giuliani.

Rudy Guliani: No. Thank you.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Jason Bateman Monologue

Jason Bateman

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Bateman.

[Jason Bateman walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jason Bateman: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It is such a joy to be here with all of you tonight. Guys, we’re almost there. The year is almost over. Who here has had it with 2020? Boy! But at least we’ve got the vaccine now, right? Who else here had the vaccine already? Just me? I thought there would be a lot of hands up. Listen, it is very, very great to be back here hosting SNL or the second time. The first time was 15 years ago, so you know I made a hell of an impression. Honestly, I was just too busy. I had not one free Saturday for 15 years but I finally freed up. I am very glad to be back here even though something kin of weird happened last time I hosted. I was in a sketch called “Monkeys throwing poop at celebrities” which naturally it had a monkey in it. Now, if the show did that sketch today, they would use a puppet or a kid in a fuzzy suit for safety. Back then, they used a real male adult chimpanzee. This was 2005. Things were loose. Things were so loose that at the end of the show at goodnights, the monkey was allowed to take a bow with us up here. We’re all hugging. We’re saying goodnight. The credits are rolling and then the monkey tried to kill me. Truly.

I bent down to say “Good job” to the monkey being nice. I’m a nice fellow. But not the chimp. The chimp unhinges his jaw. He flashes the teeth and he tries to bite my entire nose off. This is a true story. Apparently, this is a thing with chimps I guess. They hate that humans have faces and they want to remove them. I don’t know. Maybe you got a good look at this nose and thought I wasn’t going to miss half of it. I don’t know. This is not one of those fake ironic monologues story. This really happened right here. We’re going to prove it to you. We’re going to show you a clip. I think we’ve got the clip.

[Cut to the clip of the monologue from 15 years back where Jason Bateman bent down to the monkey.]

Right here. Here it comes. Right? See? So there it is. See? We’ll slow that down. Slow motion. Here it is. I know it doesn’t look like much. Right? It doesn’t look like much. But I had the horror angle. Right? This camera saw the terror. It was terrifying. However, I am smiling. I am smiling, but inside I’m thinking, “A monkey just attacked me and nobody cares.” [in the video, the cast members are just chatting with each other.]

[Cut back to Jason Bateman]

They just keep hugging. Anyway, I survive and after the show I was told by the animal handlers that Mikey the monkey wanted to apologize. Truly. My first thought was that this is a trap, he wants more, he’s still snacky. But I decided that everyone deserves a second chance. So, I went down to his dressing room. I open up the door and he’s standing there. He’s looking very ashamed of himself. Honest to god, he shuffles over to me, puts his hand up on my shoulder as if to say “I’m sorry.” It was a very, very beautiful moment. It was a connection between a man and nature that I will never, ever forget. The monkey was destroyed later that night. It was my choice. Lessons have to be learned. But I would like to think that if he was here with us tonight to see me host 15 years later, he would probably rip my nuts off.

But we’ve got a great show for you tonight. Morgan Wallen is here. The chimp is still alive. Stick around, we’re going to be right back

Bits

Garet… Chris Redd

Jake… Mikey Day

Steve… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Ryan… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with guys watching a game]

Garet: Fourth quarter, here we go. Everybody good on drinks? Jake?

Jake: Oh, no man. I got work early tomorrow. I think I’m good.

Steve: Cut to you forty beers later being like, “Ah! Actually I think I’m gonna be using that sick day.”

[everyone laughing]

Beck: Yeah. Cut to your wife tomorrow morning being like, “Are you drunk?” And you’re like, “No. [making puking sound] ”

Garet: Oh, come on, man! It’s not a late hit.

Jake: I know. This league is so soft now. It’s ridiculous.

Ryan: Cut to he’s like, so drunk, he’s got a grenade launcher now. And he’s like, “Ah! Never mind the kids. Save the burritos!”

[Everybody are looking at Ryan confused.]

Steve: What?

Ryan: Just.. from earlier. Jake. He’s just like, so drunk.

Garet: A grenade launcher? Man, I want whatever Ryan’s smoking.

[everyone laughing]

Ryan: I was just messing.

Jake: I think I’m gonna grab those buffalo wings actually. I’m starving.

[music playing]

[Everyone goes dark. The spotlight is on Ryan.]

Ryan: [singing] Why can’t I keep thе joke going?
(keep the joke going)
When I riff with my friends
I just slow things down
(slow things down)

I always jump in really confident
But nobody laughs at what I say

I try so hard
But what i say just doesn’t make sense
It sounds so good in my head
But then my energy is weird

I’m the guy who kills the bit
Kills the bit
Kills the bit

Yes, I’m always killing the bit
Killing the bit
Killing the bit

Now, once again, everybody’s laughing
I’d better say something cool and hilarious

[Cut back to everyone laughing and enjoying the game]

Ryan: Say… cut to, like, a giant mutated buffalo wing with boxing gloves, and it’s like, “In this corner, weighing in at a thousand pounds, Johnny buffalo!”

[Everyone is looking at him confused again]

Beck: What?

Ryan: The buffalo wings you guys were talking about…

Garet: That was, like, five minutes ago!

[all groan as Ryan spills the plate of wings.]

Beck: Oh, dude!

Jake: Okay…

Ryan: Guess Garett’s right. I want what I’m smoking!

Steve: Ryan, listen. We like you, man. You’re a great guy. So, I say this with love. You don’t have to be funny, man

Ryan: Alright, Steve!

Steve: No, seriously, man, it’s okay to just listen. You don’t have to add anything.

Ryan: Right. Cut to me making, like, a thousand more jokes.

Garet: I’m sorry. Am I missing something? What is this “cut to” thing?

Steve: Uh, we were doing it earlier. Maybe just give it a rest?

Beck: Yeah. I think we’re all a little “cut to”-ed out.

Ryan: For sure. Cut to… me making another “cut to” joke?

[All stare, then giggle a bit]

Garet: Okay, that’s not bad.

Jake: Yeah, that one was pretty good

[music playing]

Ryan: [singing] I’m the guy who nailed the bit
Nailed the bit
Nailed the bit

And now that I’ve proven myself
I’m finally just one of the guys

[Cut to the guys]

Ryan: Hey, Steve! Beer alert, think fast!

[Ryan throws the beer can at Steve and it hits him in the head.]

All: Oh!

Steve: Fuck!

Ryan: Oh, crap… I think I might just bounce.

Weekend Update- Rudy Giuliani on Trump’s Election Lawsuits

Colin Jost

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President Trump said he’s moving forward with legal challenges to vote counter cross the country. Here to comment is the man leading the chart, his personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani.

[Rudy Giuliani slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Rudy Giuliani: Wow! Wow! Wow! Look at that. If it ain’t De Blasio and Dinkins. Hello.

Colin Jost: Hi. Yeah. I get it. Hi, Rudy. Thanks so much for being here.

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Good times. Did you see my press conference today? It was at the Four Seasons. Fancy.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It sounds fancy but it was at a landscaping company called Four Seasons. Was that a mistake?

Rudy Giuliani: What? No. Anyway, I’m glad I made it to the show on time because first I went to 30 rocks. That’s a granite quarry in new Rochelle. What a night.

Colin Jost: Okay. Rudy. So, the president said he will be mounting some legal challenges to a lot of the votes out there. What is your strategy to do that?

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Listen, man. I got tons of strategies, okay? First, we’re going to throw out bogus mail in ballots. Colin, these ballots, they could be coming from Mars.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. That is a real thing that you really did say.

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. So, we’re going to demand that we look at all the names. If the name is Meatthorpe Zandar and the address is Mars, we’re gonna get those ballots thrown out. Plus, we got no idea if they really are ballots. They might be tortillas. We’re going to eat them and see if they’re tortillas. If my butt blows after I eat it, you know that’s a tortillas.

Colin Jost: That sounds like a great process. Now, your team, they want to get more poll watchers in there to make sure they’re counting is happening correctly.

Rudy Giuliani: Exactly. We’re going to go in there. We’re going to get our poll watchers so close, we’re going to get this close. [Rudy Giuliani climbs on Colin Jost’s chair] See? This is legally close. Nuts on back, that’s where a poll watcher out to be.

Colin Jost: Why are they so hot? Aside from the count, what actual legal recourse do you have to challenge these results?

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Listen to this. In Michigan, we demanded a recount. In Wisconsin, we have demanded a de-count. We call back season in Nevada, we got safety in Arizona and in Georgia, opposite day. Plus, we’re going to demand that I do the recount personally and our silver bullet is, I can’t count very high. Also, we’re suing all the states we lost.

Colin Jost: You’re suing all the states? For what?

Rudy Giuliani: I don’t know. Child support? Man slaughter? I don’t know.

Colin Jost: Rudy. I gotta say. It just sounds like Trump got fewer votes which is what pollsters predicted.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay, okay. The pollsters were all lying. Pollsters get paid to lie to people. They’re always saying like, “Hey, baby. I’m cinnamon, but my real name is Britney. Shh. Don’t tell them I told you.” And then you find out her name ain’t Britney.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you talking about strippers?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. Strippers. Pollsters. What do you call them?

Colin Jost: Look. I know it’s hard for you to talk about this but you lost. So what is your plan– [Rudy Giuliani puts his head on the table] Rudy, what is your plan next just for yourself?

Rudy Giuliani: Listen to me. I will be fine. I always land on my feet up side down from the ceiling. I will move back to the city that made me. Hey, New York, daddy’s home. You miss me?

[he gets hit by a cabbage]

Oh, salad? It’s that famous New York lettuce. God, I love this town. Anyway, I gotta go. I’m off to the Peninsula.

Colin Jost: Oh, Peninsula, the hotel?

Rudy Giuliani: No. The Yucatan. You never saw me.

Colin Jost: Rugy Giuliani, everyone.

Rudy Giuliani: Taxi?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Biden Wins 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hi. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Well, I don’t know if anyone noticed or not but Joe Biden has been elected the 46th president of the United States. Yes, and this is what happen when people in New York heard that Donald Trump was defeated.

[cut to video clips of people in New York City celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat in the streets.]

[cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And this is Trump’s home town. Can you imagine you get fired from your job, you go back home and everyone in your own house is like, “Boo. You suck.” But you know what they say. “Only in New York.” What’s that? Oh, it wasn’t only in New York? Oh.

[cut to video clips people in different US cities celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat in the streets.]

[cut to London and Paris celebrating Donald Trump’s defeat.]

[cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh my god! That’s real. Do you know how bad you have to be for Paris to ring church bells when you lose? They didn’t even do that for the real Hunchback’s funeral. The whole world is celebrating like World War II just ended. And I know this isn’t really the same as defeating the Nazis but it did end with a fascist leader hiding in a bunker.

[Picture changes to Donald Trump golfing underground.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Trump has reportedly said to allies that he will have to be dragged out of the White HOuse kicking and screaming. [Michael Che pulls out his glass of whiskey and takes a sip] Good. You know, ever since Biden won, everything I was worried about or mad about just sort of faded away. I mean the problem’s is still there but remember that “Shawshank” scene when the dudes are drinking beer on the roof. They were still in prison, but for one day, everything just felt okay? That’s how I feel now. And I’m so relieved because if Trump won, I thought there’d be a race war and Colin, you don’t know this but me and my friends were going to kidnap you. I rented a big old fridge and everything. It was a good plan.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Well, would I go in the fridge?

Michael Che: The box.

Colin Jost: By the way, I just want to point out how crazy it is that it’s already Saturday and the only candidate who’s conceded is Kanye West. It is never a good sign when Kanye accepts reality than you do. Trump has filed several lawsuits demanding recounts alleging voter fraud. I just want to point something out real quick. Remember in 2016 when he lost the popular vote to Hillary by 3 million? He blamed it on illegal immigrants sneaking in and voting? Well, this time he’s going to lose by 5 million votes which by his own logic means Trump let in 2 million more illegal immigrants and they all voted for Biden.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of pro-Trump demonstration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, there’s been a few counter demonstrations in red states like Texas and Arkansas and I just want the white republicans to look on the bright side. You still got Joe Biden. I mean, he’s not the old white guy that you want, but he’s still wold white guy. Is it that different? You wanted Gordita crunch and  you got a Chalupa, big deal. What are you so afraid that Joe Biden is going to do? Free the slaves again? Hey, Colin, did you know my tie was a clip-on? I’ve been wanting to say that all year.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The aftermath now for Trump’s campaign is really funny to me because normally when you lose a campaign, you wonder what went wrong. Was my messaging on the economy off? But for Trump, it’s like, “Huh, maybe I shouldn’t have openly taunted the dead hero of the state I needed to win.” “Maybe I shouldn’t have gone Erie, Pennsylvania and said this of Erie, Pennsylvania.”

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: Before the plague came in, I had it made. I wasn’t coming to Erie. I mean, I have to be honest. There was no way I was coming. I didn’t have to.

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And personally, I also wouldn’t have sprayed my own supporters with covid at my rallies. But hey, that’s just me. The most important thing about Donald Trump losing this election is that pretty soon, we will never have to listen to Donald Trump again. We may want to listen sometimes for entertainment, just like we might want to slow down to get a better look at a burning car. But we don’t have to. Before Trump was president, no one ever cared what he said. No one was ever like, “I wonder what the least successful real estate developer in New York thinks about this?” And three months, Trump will just be another guy yelling conspiracy theories in the background. And then we can treat him like this reporter did today with a crazy dude behind him.

[Cut to a video clip of a reporter during live telecast. There is a guy behind him and he is talking to him.]

Reporter: How you doing, pal?

Guy: How are you doing, man? Is this a real news or fake news?

Reporter: Fuck off!

[Cut to Colin Jost]

Uncle Ben

Alec Baldwin

Aunt Jemima… Maya Rudolph

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Uncle Ben… Kenan Thompson

Allstate guy… Dave Chappelle

Count Chocula… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Dave Chappelle in SNL stage speaking to the viewers]

Dave Chappelle: Hey, everybody. I hope you’re having good time at home watching the show. It has been a long hard time. I know a lot of people have lost their jobs and that this climate has unfortunately made a lot of black people lose their jobs. This next piece is about just that. It’s about two black people who’ve lost their jobs because of this new social climate we’re all trying to figure out. Sadly these two black people may never get those jobs back. Enjoy.

[Cut to a office meeting.]

Alec: I’m sorry. It’s just not working out. We have to let you go.

Aunt Jemima: But I’m aunt Jemima! [audience laughing] Who doesn’t love my pancakes?

Mikey: Everyone loves your pancakes, Aunt Jemima.

Alec: It’s you. You’re the problem.

Aunt Jemima: Me? What did I do?

Alec: It’s not what you did. It’s how you make us feel about what we did.

Aunt Jemima: But you can’t fire me. I’m a slave. That’s the only good thing about your job. The job security.

Alec: We understand that.

Aunt Jemima: No. You don’t understand. [sad music playing] All I ever did was my pancakes. And that’s why Aunt Jemima pancakes are the fluffiest, the butteriest, mouth watering pancakes on the shelves. The secret is I use my own breast milk. [winks]

Alec: Aunt Jemima, this is hard for us too. We love you.

Heidi: And thank you for breast feeding our children.

Aunt Jemima: It’s because I’m a woman. Isn’t it? What about uncle Ben?

Uncle Ben: Oh, dammit woman! Don’t you drag me into this mess.

Aunt Jemima: Look. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.

Alec: Actually, uncle Ben, she’s right.

Heidi: Yes, we have to let you go too for the same reason.

Uncle Ben: But you can’t do this to me. I’m uncle Ben! I got so many nieces and nephews to take care of.

Mikey: You’ll be fine. Just do something else.

Uncle Ben: But all I know is rice. [sad music playing] White rice. Brown rice. Wild rice. Yellow rice. Four cheese. Basmati.

Alec: Look. It’s not personal uncle Ben. It’s just we have to clean house.

Uncle Ben: Come on, now. We know white people don’t clean their own house.

Aunt Jemima: Yeah. You talking slaves.

Uncle Ben: This is ridiculous. If we can’t work, how come the Allstate guy gets to work?

[Allstate guy stands]

Allstate guy: [bold voice] Now wait a cotton picking minute, uncle Ben. Oh, I knew you’d sell me out.

Uncle Ben: It ain’t personal, son. But if we’re getting fire, you should be getting fired too.

Aunt Jemima: Yeah. Fire Allstate guy too.

Allstate guy: Stop calling me Allstate guy. I have a name. It’s ‘Guy from Waiting to Exhale.’

Alec: Well, whatever your name is, you’re getting fired too.

Allstate guy: Man, I’m not even a food product. I sell security. My deep black voice makes white people feel safe. Like they’re in good hands.

Alec: That may be so. But you’re still black. And it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Allstate guy: Well, I’m a real person. There are mere characters. If anything, why don’t you fire Count Chocula. How come he’s still working, huh?

Count Chocula: What? But I’m not even black. I’m made of chocolate.

Allstate guy: Likely story. Let me tell you something. These streets are going to eat you alive, you chocolaty nigga!

Count Chocula: Don’t call me that.

Aunt Jemima: If he’s chocolate, then I’m chocolate too.

Uncle Ben: Yeah. I’m chocolate too.

Alec: I don’t care what you want to call yourselves. You’re all fired.

Count Chocula: No. But I’m actually chocolate. I’m not black at all.

Allstate guy: [banging the table] Riiculous. Another likely story. Look at them big chocolaty lips behind them fangs. Big old fat lips. Seriously, America. Look at Pete Davidson’s lips.

Count Chocula: Okay. Maybe I got some Italian in there somewhere.

Allstate guy: Some Italian? Then we’ll put you on some spaghetti you chocolate bitch.

Alec: Alright. That’s enough. You’re all fired except for Allstate guy.

Allstate guy: Thank you very much.

Uncle Ben: Alright. Fine. We’ll leave, but remember, you made a very big mistake.

Aunt Jemima: Um-hmm.

Take Me Back

Keith… Beck Bennett

Cara… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Keith knocking the door]

Keith: Cara, please. Cara, please open the door.

[Cara opens the door]

Cara: I couldn’t have been more clear with you on the phone. I’m done with you, Keith.

Keith: I know. I know. And you should be done with that Keith. That Keith didn’t deserve you. But this Keith, the Keith I am now, he does. I’ve changed, baby. Take me back.

Cara: You’ve changed? How, Keith? How have you changed?

Keith: I quit drinking. I haven’t touched a drop in a month.

Cara: Really?

Keith: Yeah. It was hard but I did it for you.

Cara: I’m glad.

Keith: And no more cocaine.

Cara: What?

Keith: I know. I never thought I could keep that nose blown either, but you gave me strength.

Cara: Sorry. You did coke?

Keith: Just to help keep me off the booze for a couple of years before that too. But those days behind me. No alcohol. No cocaine. No pills. I’m a new man.

Cara: God, Keith! Pills too?

Keith: Yeah. It’s that same old story. You know? Go to the doctor because you’re in pain and they give you these pills to help. But–

Cara: You got hooked.

Keith: Exactly. The next thing I know, I’m taking a fistfuls of Valtrex just to get out of bed in the morning.

Cara: Valtrex is for herpes, Keith. Do you have herpes?

Keith: The old Keith did. But this Keith? Nah. He is good.

Cara: That’s not how herpes works. God! Now I probably have it too.

Keith: Oh baby. You know if you have the kind I have. Plus I always used protection when we were together.

Cara: You never wore a condom.

Keith: But I always had a gun.

Cara: A gun? I’m glad you’re getting your life together but we’re through.

Keith: How can you say that, baby?

Cara: You just told me you have herpes.

Keith: Had. Past tense, baby. Past.

Cara: No. No, no, no, no. I don’t even know why you want to get back together. Half the time we were dating, you were romantically checked out.

Keith: I know. But that’s because, and this is hard for me to say but I had got a little too into porn.

Cara: Wow. That explains a lot.

Keith: Yeah. It’s addictive. I mean it seems harmless at first but then next thing you know, you’re shooting two or three scenes a day and there’s nothing left in the tank when you get home.

Cara: I’m sorry. You were doing porn? Like, having sex with women on the internet?

Keith: What? No. Never.

Cara: Thank god.

Keith: Never women. But baby all that’s behind me now. I’m not that stupid boy I was back then. I’ve grown. I’m a man. I’m Keith8 now.

Cara: You’re Keith8 now?

Keith: Yeah. I’ve changed.

Cara: No. How old were you when we started dating?

Keith: Old enough to know I messed up.

Cara: Oh my god. I’m going to jail.

Keith: Baby, don’t worry about that. Even if the cops found out, I wouldn’t say anything.

Cara: Good. Because–

Keith: [pulls out his gun] I’ll do the hardware do the talking.

Cara: Jesus! Keith! Put that thing away.

Keith: You sound like all those people in the playground. “Put that thing away.”

Cara: You took a gun out in the playground?

Keith: Gun? No. Never a gun.

Cara: What the hell is wrong with you?

Keith: People at the playground said that too.

Cara: Keith!

Keith: Alright. I’ll go. But first, there’s something I should have done a long time ago.

[Keith gets to his knees]

Cara: Oh my god!

[Keith presses the button that’s on his home arrest device]

Keith: I have to press that every hour so they know I’m still wearing it.

Cara: Why do you have that, Keith?

Keith: Because of what I took out of the playground.

Cara: Right.

Keith: It was my penis.

Cara: Yeah. I got that, Keith.

Keith: Look. I know I’m not perfect but you are. And I can’t live my life without you, baby. So, please, take me back.

[Keith and Cara are looking at each other. But then police cars come in.]

Oh, crap! Could you just hand on to this for me for like, a day or two? [handing over all the guns, pills and drugs that Keith has on him to Cara] Thanks. You never saw me, okay? I wasn’t here. Love you.

[Keith runs away]

Cara: He loves me.