Tag: Vanessa Bayer

Bland Man

Dan… Taran Killam

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Ronda Rousey

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Sasheer Zamata

Selena Gomez

[Starts with Bland Man intro]

Male voice: One very bland man. 25 long haired women. Who will he choose to be his bride? It all happens tonight on Bland Man.

[Cut to Dan]

Dan: My name is Dan and I’m from Chicago or Denver or something. I have blue eyes, brown hair and grey shirt. And tonight, I’m looking forward to getting to know the girls a little bit.

[Cut to Dan and Vanessa sitting on a bench at the park.]

Vanessa: Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Vanessa: Thank you for our date this morning. I loved going to your old high school and watching you cry.

Dan: [laughing] Tell me, what do you look for in a guy?

Vanessa: Well, I know you’re gonna make fun of me, but I wanna guy who’s like my dad. Smart like my dad. Hard working like my dad. And with the same body and penis as my dad.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Hi. Can I steal him for a second?

[Vanessa walks away and Kate sits beside Dan]

Thank you. Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Kate: Thanks for our date this afternoon. I loved taking a race car to that improv class with you.

Dan: I hope I didn’t move too fast.

Kate: What?

Dan: I’m kidding.

Kate: [weird laughing] That’s a funny joke. I love that we can laugh together.

Dan: Me too.

Kate: [weird laughing] Oh, my god! It feels so good to laugh because before this, I was in a really bad college.

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Can I steal him for a sec?

Kate: Yeah.

[Kate walks away and Ronda sits beside Dan]

Ronda: Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Ronda: Thank you for a date this afternoon. I loved taking that hot air balloon with the cast of Chicago Fire.

Dan: Yeah. Tonight’s nice too. I like the moon.

Ronda: Yeah.

Dan: But–

Ronda: Moon’s nice.

Dan: Yeah. But I also like the day, you know? With the sun.

Ronda: Yeah, the sun is so nice.

Dan: [laughing] We have so much in common.

Ronda: Dan, can I ask you something? Can I wear jeans tomorrow?

Dan: Um, no.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Can I steal him for a second?

[Ronda walks away and Cecily sits beside Dan]

Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too. So, tell me about yourself.

Cecily: Well, I’m a virgin but I’m very quick to do the stuff I do.

Dan: Wow, That’s cool.

Cecily: Then why didn’t you say so in our date today?

Dan: Because we were rolling down a hill in two giant hamster balls.

Cecily: Sorry I got mad. But that’s not me. Well, it is me but I’m doing a bad job hiding it.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Cecily walks away and Aidy sits beside Dan]

Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too. So tell me about yourself.

Aidy: Well, I’ve had to wear a damp bikini all week so now it hurts when I pee. Also, there’s something I wanna tell you Dan, but can I be completely honest with you?

Dan: Of course.

Aidy: I have a son. And five daughters. They’re right here.

[Cut to Dan, Aidy and six kids.]

They can’t wait for you to be their daddy. They’re so sweet but they are a lot of work. And this one, [pulls one kid near her] he always has a ton of cash and he won’t tell me where it’s from.

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: Can I steal him for a sec?

Aidy: Yeah.

[Aidy walks away and Sasheer sits beside Dan]

Sasheer: Um, I like this.

Dan: So, tell me about yourself.

Sasheer: Well, I’m the black one.

Dan: [hold’s Sasheer’s hand] Let me walk you out.

Sasheer: Wait! Wait! I didn’t tell you yet that everyone I ever met is dead.

Dan: Oh, you have a sad past? Then, you can stay one more week.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Can I steal him for a second?

[Sasheer walks away and Kate sits beside Dan]

Dan: Hey, long time no see.

Kate: [weird laughing] Oh, my god! You are literally the funniest person I’ve ever met. And I know two Jews.

[Ronda walks in]

Ronda: Sorry, can I steal him for a minute?

[Kate walks away and Ronda sits beside Dan]

Dan: So, tell me about yourself.

Ronda: Well, I served in Iraq. I was a waitress in the diner there for three years.

Dan: That sounds hard. And now what do you do?

Ronda: Well, right now I do this. And then after this, I’m gonna do co-appearances until I die.

Dan: Me too.

Ronda: Also on the weekends, I volunteer at a kill-shelter.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Hey, can I steal him for a sec?

[Ronda walks away and Cecily sits beside Dan]

Dan: So, um, are you having a good time?

Cecily: It’s hard. All the girls hate me just because I’m so mean to them. And this made me realize that I have some deep emotional problems and I need to go home and deal with them.

Dan: I would be sad to see you go.

Cecily: Okay, then I’ll stay and just be so insane.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Can steal him for a second?

[Cecily walks away and Aidy sits beside Dan]

Dan, I need to be completely honest with you.

Dan: Okay.

Aidy: Okay. I have one enormous toe. Like it’s so big. And I’ve been so self-conscious about it my entire life. I need you to see it.

[Aidy raises her feet and her thumb is really, really big.]

Dan: Holy!

[Selena walks in]

Selena: Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks away and Selena sits beside Dan]

Um, I like this.

Dan: Me too.

Selena: And I love being here for the 25th season of the show because I was conceived during the second season.

Dan: Wow, I feel so connected to you. Remind of your name again?

Selena: I’m Selena Gomez.

Dan: Okay, I’ll go with her. We can stop. I’m gonna go with her. I’m gonna go.

[The End]

BAMM – Bullies Against Mixed Martial Arts

Chad… Beck Bennett

Beckka… Ronda Rousey

Vanessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with a basketball court in college decorated with dim lights for a romantic vibe. Chad brings in Beckka.]

Chad: Keep your eyes closed.

Beckka: Of course, Chad.

Chad: No peeking. [they walk forward] Alright.

[Beckka opens her eyes. There is a table for two and a disco-ball over it.]

Sorry it’s not a fancy restaurant

Beckka: This is so much better. I love it. You did all of this for me?

Chad: Well, yeah! I like you. I just wanted tonight to be special. [they take seat]

Beckka: I can’t believe I’m sitting here with Chad Channon. I didn’t even think you knew who I was.

Chad: Are you kidding me? I’ve had a crush on you for a while. [Beckka smiles] Try your soup.

Beckka: Wow, it’s so crunchy.

Chad: Do you like it?

Beckka: What is it?

[someone laughing at the mic]

Vanessa: It’s dog food.

[All the lights turn on. There are other girls laughing at Beckka.]

Congratulations, new girl.  You just ate real dog food. What’s the matter? Isn’t that what bitches eat?

[The girls come near Chad and Beckka]

Beckka: Chad, what’s going on?

Chad: What?

Vanessa: We played a trick on you, idiot! Did you really think that my boyfriend, the most popular guy at South Jeffery High would ask the weird new girl on a date? Wake up!

Beckka: You just pretended to like me chad?

Chad: Yeah, sorry.

Vanessa: How embarrassing for you. At least the whole school isn’t watching this on para-scope. Oh, wait! They are.

[Cut to Kate recording the video]

Kate: Say hi to the whole school.

Sasheer: A star is born.

Vanessa: What a shame too. She got all dolled up. Where did you get your dress? Is it from Walmart? See, I own this school. And you don’t talk to my boyfriend, and you cer–

[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face]

[Vanessa is bleeding]

It’s okay, you guys. That barely hurt. [Vanessa walks to Beckka again] I hope it was worth it new girl because I am going to ruin your life. See, when you’re the popular–

[Beckka slaps Vanessa again]

Chad: Ah!

[Vanessa has Beckka’s palm marked on her cheek]

[Beckka punches Vanessa on her face again]

Damn!

[Vanessa is clapping]

Vanessa: Bravo! But before you give an encore let me just say–

[Beckka slap-kicks Vanessa and Vanessa falls down]

[Everyone is shocked]

[Vanessa slowly stands up]

Are you mad that I knocked over the basketballs new girl?

Beckka: No. I kicked you into them.

Vanessa: Ooh, cool words. Well– [Vanessa takes a ball and throws at Beckka] Think fast!

[Beckka hits Vanessa with a ball so fast and Vanessa falls.]

[Vanessa slowly stands up]

You wanna play dirty? Give it to me. I got your diary. [reading diary] Dear Dolly.

[Beckka beats Vanessa up bad]

Chad: What?

[Vanessa is knocked out and Beckka starts walking out]

[Chad following Beckka]

Hey, Beckka. I saw what you did back there. It was pretty cool. You wanna grab a burger?

[Beckka hits Chad on his neck]

[Cut to Vanessa on the floor all beat up.]

Vanessa: I’m fine.

Male voice: One in five bullies will be a victim of mixed martial arts. Don’t be a statistic. Brought to you by BAMM! Bullies against mixed martial arts.

Special Offer

Chad Douglas… Taran Killam

Victoria Douglas… Vanessa Bayer

Lola Fabre… Maya Rudolph

Gloria Wallace… Amy Poehler

Angie Francis… Tina Fey

[Starts with a disclaimer]

Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria sitting in front of their chimney]

Chad Douglas: Hello. I’m Chad Douglas.

Victoria: And I’m Victoria Douglas.

Chad Douglas: For those of you who don’t remember, my wife and I had a hit variety show back in the 70s. It was called the Chad and Mrs. Douglas show.

Victoria: We loved doing that show and we extra loved hand picking some of our favorite Christmas moments to share with you this holiday season.

Chad Douglas: Here’s the magnificent Lola Fabre , singing the 12 days of Christmas after putting 12 shots of rum in her eggnog.

[Cut to Lola.]

[music is playing]

Lola: Ho, ho, ho.

[singing] On the first day of Christmas [mumbling] looking to me
[mumbling] three
On the third day of Christmas [mumbling] looking to me
three to the da-do-dum-three other things
and the [mumbling]

[Lola throwing the presents to the kids]

Wow! That’s a lot of words. Here, have some gifts, children. Here you go young man. [passing the present to a girl]

Here’s something for your junior.

Oh, I love children. They are the future.

[pulling out a present] Alright, here we go.

[singing] On the other day of Christmas [mumbling] to me

a rum and [mumbling]

[shouts and throws a present out]

Wow! Miss Fabre is going up on the lyrics. All to do props and words at the same time kids. Keep it together Lola. Five, six, seven, eight.

[dancing slightly]

Fabre, Fabre, alright
back on track on
five onion rings
four twizzle zees
three throng dos
two two-two-two
five or six or twelve this song

Change! Bye, bye.

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: You know, Lola came on our show many, many times. And let me tell you, that’s the best she ever did.

Victoria: Lola was a gifted mess of a woman.

Chad Douglas: Our next clip features a famous disco diva and party girl named Gloria Wallace. And boy, she liked the white stuff.

Victoria: Oh, you mean cocaine?

Chad Douglas: Please sweetheart, be cool.

[Cut to Gloria dancing with other backup dancers.]

[music playing]

Gloria: Come on, come on, come on, come on.

The intro is chill on! The intro is chill on! Let’s get it. Go, move faster, faster. Alright! Johnny has more right? Let’s go. Let’s go.

[singing] All the river outside is dreadful

come to the end, let us know, let us know, let us know

Ay! Let’s go. It’s time to get Johnny on the phone. Somebody call him. I wanna go to good club. I wanna get a steak sandwich. [Gloria is sucking cocaine with a vacuum cleaner.] But I never wanna eat it. Come on now! I have lot of ideas! I’m gonna go tell somebody.

[Gloria runs through the background poster.]

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: I just wanna say we all miss Gloria. Remember the way wear your seat belt.

Victoria: And remember to close your car door while you’re driving.

Chad Douglas: This next clip was always the number one favorite for me and my wife.

Victoria: Oh! Wife.

Chad Douglas: Not a compliment honey. It’s just what you are.

Victoria: Still, it’s sweet.

Chad Douglas: Uh-huh. Speaking of sweet, please enjoy this next clip starring the beautiful, young Angie Francis, and a special guest, it’s a real treat.

[Cut to Angie sitting and drinking wine.]

[music playing]

Angie: [singing] I really can’t stay.

[Cut to OJ Simpson]

OJ Simpson: But baby, it’s cold outside.

Angie: Gotta go away.

OJ Simpson:But baby, it’s cold outside.

Angie: Say what’s in this drink.

OJ Simpson: Oh, that is like a vitamin for when you bombed out about your career, all this to make you smile and help you reach your goal.

Angie: Yeah. Something’s up with that.

[Angie hands over the glass of wine to OJ Simpson and walks away]

OJ Simpson: No, no, wait. I wanna show you my penis.

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: You know, now that I’ve seen these clips, all we really have are three very short awful things.

Victoria: Maybe that’s why the DVD is this big. [showing a tiny disc]

Chad Douglas: It still would make a great gift for somebody.

Victoria: Yeah, probably, but all the moments are in the commercial.

Chad Douglas: What are you dong? Don’t tell them that.

[The End]

Meet Your Second Wife

Brian… Bobby Moynihan

Steve … Taran Killam

Toby … Kenan Thompson

Tina Fey

Helen Walsh… Amy Poehler

Samantha… Vanessa Bayer

Elane… Aidy Bryant

Diana… Leslie Jones

Alicia… Cecily Strong

[Starts with video shot of Brian smiling at the camera]

Male voice: He’s a professor from Alexandria, Virginia.

[Cut to Steve]

He is a software engineer from Palo Alto, California.

[Cut to Toby]

And he’s a financial analyst in Boston, Massachusetts.

[Cut to Brian, Steve and Toby]

They may not know it yet, but they’re all guests of America’s favorite new show,

[Cut to the show set. There are two ladies hosting and the three contestants.]

Meet Your Second Wife!

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Hello and welcome to Meet Your Second Wife.

Helen: We’re your hosts. I am Helen Walsh.

Tina: And I am Tina Fey

Helen: And this is the only show where happily married men get a chance to meet the person who will one day become their second wife.

Tina: You guys excited?

[Cut to the contestants looking confused]

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Great! Let’s meet our first contestant. Bryan from Alexandria.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Wait, I’m sorry, what is this show now?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: You’ll see. Now, I understand your lovely wife Samantha is in the audience today.

[Cut to Samantha]

Samantha: Yay! Brian.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: She seems great… for now.

Helen: But Brian, let’s meet your second wife.

[Cut to the stage. A young girl walks in.]

Brian, this is Hannah.

[Cut to Brian. He looks shocked and angry.]

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Hannah is currently an 8 grade student at Welington Middle School but one day years in the future, she will be your second wife.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: That’s impossible. I love my wife. She supported me while I’ve been writing my novels. So…

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: But what if I told you in a few years, one of your novels becomes a surprise best seller and even optioned for a movie?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Um, yeah. The yeah, I get it now.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Do you have any questions for your second wife, Brian?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Um, sure. Hi, what kind of things are you interested in?

[Cut to the girl]

Girl: Horses.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Horses. Yeah. Horses are cool.

[Cut to Samantha looking confused and worried.]

[Cut to Brian]

Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you again in 20 years. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Actually, it’s seven. Next is Steve from Palo Alto.

[Cut to Steve]

Helen: Excited to be here Steve?

Steve: Um, I was before but now I’m not.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Great! I understand that your wife Elane is here also.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: I thought this was a home makeover show.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: In a way, it is.

Helen: Okay Steve, lets meet your second wife.

[a small girl enters the set]

This is Stacey.

[Cut to Steve looking very concerned]

Steve: Oh, no!

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: How many years old are you, Stacey?

[Cut to Stacey. She shows her five fingers.]

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: That is five fingers. I believe she is trying to say she’s five.

Helen: Well, Stacey may still be learning her numbers but one day she will be your second wife.

Tina: What’s gonna happen is, Stacey will apply for an internship at your company…

Helen: Which she will hear about from a college roommate who is also, you guessed, your daughter.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: I mean, that’s kind of nice, right? At least then my daughter and she can stay friends.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Oh yeah. Your daughter is gonna love it.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, I’m sorry, this is ridiculous. I am not leaving Elane.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: You’re right. You won’t. Sadly, Elane will pass away in a tragic kayaking accident.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: What?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Sorry Elane, we don’t make the future. We just know it.

Tina: Next up, we’ve got Toby from Boston.

[Cut to Toby]

Helen: And Toby, you’re here tonight with your wife of 20 years, Diana.

Toby: That’s right. Hey baby.

[Cut to Diana looking angry in the audience]

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Okay. Toby, let’s meet your second wife.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: [eyes closed and fingers crossed] Don’t be white. Don’t be white. Don’t be white.

[A good looking lady walks in]

Oh, son of a– [looking happy]

[Cut to Diana]

Diana: You a dead man, Toby.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Toby, this is Alicia. [Cut to Alicia] She is currently a sophomore at Wreckers.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: Well, that’s not that bad. I mean, the other ones were younger, right?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: Slow down. See, Alicia has a serious boyfriend. And she just found out that she is three months’ pregnant with your guess it, your second wife.

Tina: Let’s show Toby the sonogram.

[Cut to a baby’s sonogram picture.]

Helen: Already a beauty.

[Cut to Diana looking fierce]

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: Um, quick question. Does the show provide an overnight lodge where I can stay indefinitely?

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Helen: No. But all today’s contestants are going home with a fabolous prize, [looking at the card] oh, a new Kayak.

[Cut to Elane]

Elane: I know I shouldn’t but they’re so fun.

[Cut to Tina and Helen]

Tina: Well, that’s all the time we hav.

Helen: Join us next time on…

[Cut to the stage]

Meet Your Second Wife!

[The End]

Weekend Update Laura Parsons Says News

Michael Che

Laura Parsons… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: We recently asked a few kids to audition for our news casters of tomorrow’s segment. This week’s winner is a 12 year old actress who starred in the upcoming Disney TV movie Three, Two, One Recess, here’s Laura Parsons.

[Laura Parsons slides in]

Laura Parsons: Hello, Che. It’s so great to be here.

[singing] News, talking about news
Hey, Michael Che, did you hear today?
it’s all about news

Michael Che: Okay, so far, so cute. Alright, now do you have some headlines for us Laura?

Laura Parsons: I sure do. Are you ready?

Michael Che: I am.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: This week Donald Trump said he wants to create a database of Muslims which many on the left are comparing to what happened in Nazi Germany.

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, that’s a very adult story Laura. Do you have– do you even know what you’re talking about at all?

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Not really. No, I just memorized the script. Like they say in newsies, I don’t make the news, I just report it fella!

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright, well do you have anything with little laughter?

Laura Parsons: Sure! Study show that thanksgiving excitement is on the rise.

Michael Che: Well, I like that.

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: Also on the rise, the death rates of middle age white Americans which has skyrocketed due to substance abuse and liver disease. The only time death rates were higher was a small spike in the 80s due to AIDS!

Michael Che: Laura!

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Laura Parsons: Speaking of AIDS, do you know Charlie Sheen?

Michael Che: Oh god!

Laura Parsons: He is so funny, and he’s got HIV!

Michael Che: Do you even know what HIV is?

[Cut to Laura Parsons]

Laura Parsons: I sure do. It’s when you’re whole body goes, “Oh boy!” Speaking of boys, Jared Fogle.

[Cut to Laura Parsons and Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh! Okay, Laura! Laura! I think we’re good. You did a great job. You really did.

Laura Parsons: I did?

Michael Che: Yes.

Laura Parsons: Great. Extra, extra, I did a great job.

[singing] And that’s in the news

Michael Che: Laura Parsons, everyone!

FOX & Friends: Syrian Refugee Crisis Cold Open

Steve Doocey… Taran Killam

Elizabeth Hasselback… Vanessa Bayer

Brian Kilmeade… Bobby Moynihan

Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Carla… Leslie Jones

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching & friends.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian in their set]

Steve: Hello and welcome back to FOX & friends. I’m Steve Doocey and with me is usual Elizabeth Hasselback and Brian Kilmeade

Elizabeth: Hey there.

Brian: Good morning.

Steve: Well, we are less than a week away from the big turkey day.

Elizabeth: That’s right. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, hey, no need to be politically correct. You can just say it the old fashioned way. “Happy thanksgiving, Jesus.”

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, the refugee situation over in the middle east may be even worse than we previously thought.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: That’s right. Look at this footage we at FOX have just obtained of a crazed mob of Syrian refugees flooding over our borders into this country.

[Cut to a chaotic video of people getting in a store]

Steve: Look at it, it’s chaos. There’s no screening. They’re just walking into that Walmart. They’re just taking anything they like.

[Cut to Steve. He is listening to his earpiece.]

Okay, I’m being told that’s not actually footage of refugees. It’s Walmart shoppers on Black Friday.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I think the point’s still stands.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: By the way, why are we supposed to give special treatment to Black Friday? I’m just gonna come out and say it, all Fridays matter.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: True. Very, very true. And with millions fleeing from ISIS, there has been plenty of debate over whether the US should allow any refugees in from Syria.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, well, Syria has been nothing but good to me. Helps me all the time. [Brian takes his iPhone out and talks to Siri] Hey Syria, locate nearest bathroom.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, one person who seems just fine with the Syrians coming into this country is democratic national committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz who joins us now.

[Cut to Debbie in her office]

Debbie: Thank you Steve. Sorry I couldn’t be there but if I wanted crap shoved down my throat I’d be a fuagra goose.

[Cut to split screen of Elizabeth and Debbie]

Elizabeth: Schultz, you don’t think there should be more screening for refugees?

Debbie: Elizabeth, I’m from Florida. We’re full of refugees. We have Cubans escaping communism. We got Guatemalans escaping drug cartels. And we got old people escaping winter. That’s a Wasserman Schultz original.

[Steve appears in place of Elizabeth]

Steve: But Mr.s Schultz, I mean these are dangerous people.

Debbie: Oh, my god. You people and your genophobia. You make me so nuts. [Cut to Debbie] You know, when I wake up in the morning my hair is stick straight. Then I tune in for FOX news and it curls itself.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: But you must agree with senator Marco Rubio that it’s not that we aren’t compassionate, we just want to be safe.

[Cut to Debbie]

Debbie: Marco Rubio, huh? You need to tell that grown up alien Gonzalez to shut the hell up. Look, if the red states won’t take these refugees, I will. We’ll all live in one big house and they’ll make a reality show about it. 19,000 Syrians in counting. Wasserman Schultz out.

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]

Steve: Well, Mrs. Schultz isn’t the only one with an opinion on the refugee situation.

Elizabeth: That’s right. [Cut to Elizabeth] many presidential candidates have also wayed in.] We have one of the leading contenders here with us tonight. Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to Debbie]

Debbie: Straight out of Compton.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, no, no, Brian! That’s the wrong black doctor. You’re thinking of Dr. Dre. Hello Dr. Carson.

[Cut to Ben in his office]

Ben: Hello everyone. My apologies if I already seem agitated but I am just revved up about this. I would ask the views at home to turn their volume down because I might get crazy.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]

Steve: Now doctor, you yourself have said we should carefully screen everyone coming into this country. Do you have a plan that would separate Muslims from Christian refugees.

Ben: Well, weeding out the Islamic would be simple. [Cut to Ben] First we’d say, “You can’t come into this country until I see you eat a bacon while singing a Christmas Carol.” Or all refugees will be given mad libs with a phrase, “Death to blank.” Anyone who writes America won’t be allowed inside America.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: Now, president Obama has decided to lead from behind on this. Isn’t that dangerous?

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Absolutely. Extremists are entering this country everyday. I mean, open your eyes president Obama. It’s enough to make me wanna flip my top.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]

Steve: I gotta say Dr. Carson, you seem pretty calm sir.

Ben: Oh, I’m like a koala bear. On the outside I may seem nice but on the inside, I’ve never held elected office.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: You know what? Why don’t we take a break. But before we do go, let’s check in with our FOX news fact checker. Carla, how did we do?

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Bad! Y’all gonna have me up all night.

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]

Steve: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Fair enough, Carla. We’ll see you after the break and…

Steve, Elizabeth and Brian: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

A Thanksgiving Miracle

Beck Bennett

Vanessa Bayer

Cathy… Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Jamal… Jay Pharoah

Grandpa… Matthew McConaughey

Grandma… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a family having dinner]

Beck: Alright guys, happy thanksgiving everyone.

[everyone wishes each other]

I am so thankful to have you all here today.

Vanessa: I am thankful that I only burned the turkey a little bit.

[everyone laughs]

Cathy: You know, I am thankful that our governor is not gonna let those refugees in here.

Cecily: Oh my god!

[Cut to a video that says “Thanksgiving with family can be hard.”]

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: You know, I heard the refugees are all ISIS in disguise.

[Cecily shaking her head]

Cathy: Oh yeah, that’s true. [Cut to Cathy] I actually saw an ISIS in the A&P today when I was picking up the yam.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: No, you didn’t aunt Cathy. That was an Asian woman.

[Cut to a video that says “Everyone has different opinions and beliefs.”]

[Cut to everybody]

Cathy: You know what? [pointing at Jamal. Jamal is the only black person at the table] I have a question for you. Why is it that your friends keep antagonizing the police?

[Jamal is offended]

Cecily: Why would you ask my boyfriend that?

Cathy: Well I’m just trying to get to know Jamal.

[Cut to a video that says “But there’s one thing that unites us all…”]

[Cut to everybody arguing with each other. The little girl sitting by Cathy gets up and plays Adele’s ‘Hello’ on the music player.]

[Everyone suddenly stops talking]

[Cut to Cathy lipsyncing to the song]

Cathy: Hello, it’s me.

[Cut to Vanessa lipsyncing to the song]

Vanessa: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet.

[Cut to Beck lipsyncing to the song]

Beck: To go over everything.

[Cut to Cathy and Jamal holding hands and lipsyincing to the song]

Jamal: They say that time’s supposed to heal you but I ain’t done much healing.

[doorbell rings]

Vanessa: Oh, your grandparents are here.

[Cut to the grandparents walking in]

Beck: How was the flight?

Grandpa: It was good. Good.

Grandma: I saw two transgender at the airport. They sure look all pretty.

Grandpa: Very interesting trend.

[Cut to Cecily and Jamal]

Cecily: Oh, my god!

Jamal: Transgender is not a trend Mr. Paul.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: There weren’t any around when I was younger.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah, they were there but they couldn’t say anything so they lived sad lives and died.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: No talking about…

[everyone starts arguing again]

[Cut to the little girl who plays the song again]

[The video changes to black and white. Everyone stands up lipsyncing to the song.]

All: Hello from the other side

[They have the wind blowing on them effect going on]

I must have called a thousand times

[Beck has his nails done like Adele in her video]

To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
When I called you never seemed to be home

[The burnt turkey turns into a well cooked turkey]

Hello from the other–

[The oven’s timer beeps]

Vanessa: Oh, the pies are ready.

[Cut to Cathy]

Cathy: And I am ready to vote for Ben Carson.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You are such a–

[Cut to Vanessa walking to bring the pie but she slips and presses the button to play the song]

[Cut to the family lipsyincing to the song. The video changes to black and white again.]

All: Hello from the other side

[Everyone is wearing a coat like Adele in her video now]

At least I can say that I tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart

[Now even men have long blonde hair like Adele]

but it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart

[Now everyone is at Adele’s ‘Hello’ shooting venue with a pond and flying autumn leaves.]

Anymore
anymore
anymore

[Cut to everybody. Little girl is also sitting at the table.]

Vanessa: Dig in, everyone.

[Little girl turns towards the camera]

Little girl: Thanks Adele.

[The End]

Uber For Jen

Jen… Elizabeth Banks

Tyler… Mike O’Brien

Beck Bennett

Tyler’s wife… Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with ‘Mike O’Brien Picture’ video bumper]

[Cut to a woman entering a car]

Jen: Uber for Jen?

[Tyler looks back at Jen]

Did you get my destination. I’m going to 91st in Amsterdam. You’re kind of going in an insane route. Just make the next left. Just coming up right here, and you missed it. Okay, it’s cool, you can just take the next left. And left… oh, missed it. Um, is this Uber for Jen? Do you speak English?

[Tyler stops by a drive through]

Tyler: Can I get a number two combo, no pickles?

Jen: And a peach banana smoothie, grande?

[The drive through passes the packed food to Tyler]

Tyler: Great, thank you.

[The drive through passes the smoothie to Jen, but Tyler drives away and the smoothie falls down.]

Jen: So not cool. Okay, neither one of us wants to give the other a bad rating. So, let’s just be focused. My phone says your best bait is take a U-turn right up here and go back 20 miles. So we’re gonna make a U-turn right… you missed it. Is this an Uber for Jen? U-turn. U-turn.

[Cut to Tyler and Beck in a meeting]

Beck: I’m sorry Mr. Tyler but we can’t help you with the house that’s that expensive. If you and Mrs. Tyler…

[Jen is sitting beside Tyler]

Tyler: Oh, she is not my wife.

Jen: Ah! I’m Jen. 91st in Amsterdam.

Beck: Oh, yeah, makes more sense. You said your wife was nine months pregnant.

Tyler: Yeah, she is.

Jen: She is? Oh!

[Cut to Jen and Tyler shopping for the baby, having ice cream, taking selfies and spending time together.]

Clueless or mean girls?

Tyler: [looking back] Oh, that’s tough.

Jen: [scared] Oh my god!

[the car hits someone]

Tyler: Oh, my god. Oh, I think I just hit a dude.

[Cut to Jen and Tyler getting rid of the dead body in an alley]

Jen: Oh, my god!

[Tyler stops the car in hurry]

[A turtle is slowly crossing the road]

Tyler: Close call.

[Cut to Tyler’s wife getting in the car]

Tyler’s wife: Oh my god. I think my water just broke.

[Jen is looking at Tyler’s wife while Tyler’s wife is screaming while Tyler is driving.]

[Cut to Tyler’s wife getting off the car with a baby and waving goodbye to Jen and Tyler]

[Tyler’s wife gives birth to a baby in the car]

Jen: Oh, 91st in Amsterdam. Hey, my friend actually lives here. How did you know?

Tyler: The app shows me where to go.

Jen: So you are my Uber driver.

Tyler: Yeap.

Jen: Cool, thanks. Bye.

Tyler: Bye.

[Tyler rates Jen only three stars.]

[Dan gets in the car]

Dan: Hey, Uber for Dan? Take a left up here. Yep, just right up here. And… left. Ha-ha. Dammit! That was the…

[Cut to credit scene]

[Directed by Matt and Oz]

Theatre Showcase

Aidy Bryant

Elizabeth Banks

Vanessa Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Taran Killam

[Starts with Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase]

[Cut to Aidy and Elizabeth on the stage]

Aidy: Welcome everyone, to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase.

Elizabeth: Written and directed by us, students.

[Cut to Vanessa, Kenan and Leslie in the audience clapping]

[Cut to Aidy and Elizabeth]

Aidy: Before we begin, a warning. Tonight’s performance may cause extreme bouts of progress.

Elizabeth: Now, without further due, please enjoy Mirror to America, a reflection of you.

[The lights go dim and music plays. The other members of the crew join the stage and pose.]

Kyle: Help. I am dying. Can someone help?

Beck: [acting like he’s driving] Beep, beep. I have a meeting.

Aidy: [acting like she’s driving] Beep, beep. I have a party.

Kate: [acting like she’s driving] Beep, beep. I need to tweet.

Kyle: Will no one stop to help? I’m [coughing] … done!

[Kyle falls]

Taran: Oh, no! There’s been a death.

Elizabeth: Check his license. What is his name.

Taran: It says ‘The Earth’.

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to the audience]

Leslie: Hell no. No. No.

[Leslie just leaves]

[Cut to the stage. The actors are standing on the boxes.]

Beck: And now, a song about who really runs the world.

[Beyonce’s song ‘Girls’ playing part by part.]

Song: Who run the world?

Actors: Whites!

Song: Who run the world?

Actors: Whites!

Song: Who run the world?

Actors: Whites!

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Kenan: Well, why would they do that scene when they’re all white? Just sounded like bragging.

[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing sitting on the boxes.]

Kate: Okay now, let’s lighten things up. Who wants to hear a joke?

Taran: Me!

Beck: I do.

Aidy: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kate: Okay, here’s the joke. They call it see world, but they don’t see the world. They…

All: See walls.

Kate: They…

All: See tanks.

Kate: They…

All: See nothing.

Kate: [looking at the audience] So, before you go to see world, see yourself inside the tank. Mam, would you like to live in captivity?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: Um, no.

[Cut to the stage.]

Taran: Well, would you like to be separated from your children?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: No.

[Cut to the stage.]

Kyle: Would you like to be jacked off for your sperm?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: Oh, my god!

[Cut to the stage]

Kate: Now do you see?

All: World?

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: That was the worst moment of my entire life.

[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing standing on the boxes.]

Elizabeth: Ladies and gentlemen, this next scene is completely normal.

Beck: If you have a problem with what you’re about to see, your mind is small.

Kate: Your world is small.

Aidy: You are small. And action!

[Kyle and Taran walk forward]

Taran: Hi boyfriend, I love you.

Kyle: Hi boyfriend, I love you.

[Kyle and Taran kiss each other three times]

All: That was normal!

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Kenan: [reading the invitation] It says the proceeds from tonight’s show go to Neil Patrick Harris. He doesn’t need that.

[Cut to the stage. Aidy is caressing her hair and the others are looking at her.]

Aidy: My mama used to brush my hair every night before bed just to get out of tangles. Then one night I went into a room and I said, “Mom, I’ve got a bad tangle”, but she was dead. So treasure your parents. Because you never know when they won’t be around to help you with life’s tangles.

[Everybody hugs Aidy]

[The lights go dim and music plays. The members are preparing for the next skit.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: What? I’m her mom! I’m not dead. Also, she is such a bitch to me. Like, everyday.

[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing standing on the boxes.]

Kyle: Tell me, have you ever judged a book by it’s cover?

Taran: Do you assume everyone’s outside matches their inside?

Elizabeth: For example, sir, do you think I’m a girl or a boy?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Kenan: Um, just based on this show so far, I’m guessing you’re a boy?

[Cut to the stage]

Elizabeth: Um… oh… can you actually say girl?

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Kenan: Fine. You’re a girl.

[Cut to the stage]

Elizabeth: Wrong! I’m a boy.

All: Wow!

[Cut to the stage. The actors are posing standing on the boxes.]

[Cut to Vanessa and Kenan]

Vanessa: Oh, my god! Look at this. They have a chair taped off for Caitlyn Jenner.

Kenan: She doesn’t wanna come to this.

[Cut to the stage. The actors bow down.]

Elizabeth: Thank you. That was our show.

Aidy: As you exit, please leave a bottle of water in this box and we’re gonna send it to California.

[The End]

Talking About Ghetto

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Megan… Elizabeth Banks

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with four ladies eating in a restaurant]

Cecily: I like the food here but the bathroom is ghetto as hell.

Sasheer: So ghetto.

Megan: Oh, my god. Yes.

Cecily: Like they sell those like, double faucet sink.
Vanessa: I know. I hate that. Like, what year is it? Please get it together.

Sasheer: Yeah. Speaking of ghetto, I took an Uber X here and for the first time my driver picked me up in a busted ass Toyota. And literally, his wife was in the front seat.

Megan: Whoa! That is so ghetto.

Sasheer: It was the worst.

Vanessa: Oh, my god. I would have just walked.

Cecily: Megan, how’s your living situation?

Megan: Oh, so ghetto. I’m still living with that poor family in low income government housing. And my roommate, Mr. Odis lost his job at the car wash again. So he doesn’t have his part of the rent for like, the millionth time. And now he’s back to selling pot again. So our apartment’s like, always filled with randoms.

Sasheer: You mean, literally in the ghetto?

Vanessa: Um, sounds really awful.

Cecily: Yeah, I’m sorry.

Megan: And the landlord was like, banging on our door all frigging night because he needs the rent money ‘right now’. For god knows what. And I’m like, “What the hell? Who needs $285 at 3 am. So ghetto.

Vanessa: So, yesterday I ran out of Sriracha and had to put Texas Pete in my Pad Thai.

Sasheer: [laughing] So ghetto.

Cecily: I had to eat sushi with a fork coz the delivery guy forgot to bring me chopsticks.

Megan: [laughing] The elevator in my building was broken again. So, I had to walk up like, 17 floors upstairs. Even though ones they go outside. And there was just like, some baby standing in the staircase. And he is literally wearing a pamper. Nothing else. I mean, how ghetto is that?

Vanessa: [nodding head] Um, very.

Sasheer: Was the baby okay?

Cecily: Did you call the cops?

Megan: Oh, as if. I freaking took out my phone to dial 911 and the baby literally said to me, “Snitches get stitches, bitch.” And I’m like, “Um, OMG. You’re literally three years old right now. What are you even saying?” And then he asked me if I was in Instagram coz apparently I have a fatty for a white girl.

Vanessa: Um, that’s actually the most ghetto thing I’ve ever heard.

Sasheer: Ya, why do you live there? Aren’t your parents loaded?

Megan: I mean, barely.

Cecily: Um, so, I went out for drinks with this guy and he literally asked me to split the bill.

Sasheer: Ew! That’s so ghetto.

Vanessa: I can’t even imagine. Guys are like, so cheap.

Megan: Ah! I asked to J’Marcus for a drink. He took me to a bodega. He bought me a gallon of fruit punch for $1.09 and then was so pissed that they raised the price 10 cents.

Cecily: Who is J’Marcus?

Megan: Oh, you know those nine guys that are always standing in front of my building?

Vanessa: Um, the guys that are always in winter coat even in the summer time?

Megan: Yes. But the one that’s always shirtless holding a pitbull leash but no pitbull on it.

Cecily: Okay.

Sasheer: Ya. I mean, he makes me so mad. One time I asked him to buy me cigarettes and he literally just bought me two. Two loose cigarettes. They weren’t even the same brand. It’s so ghetto.

Sasheer: Megan, you gotta get out of that neighborhood.

Cecily: Seriously, why are you there?

Megan: Coz, it’s only eleven bucks from the train. I’m in the city under two hours. And they have the best tacos.

Vanessa: Oh, I friggin love tacos.

Cecily: Right. I’ll basically eat anything from a truck.

[Jay walks in. He walks in with a shopping cart. He looks homeless.]

Jay: Ay! Is one of y’all name Megan?

Megan: Okay, that’s my Uber cart. So, see you gals.

[Megan gets on the cart]

Jay: So, you want some gum?

[Cecily, Sasheer and Vanessa are waving bye to Megan]

Cecily: That crackhead’s cart is so ghetto.

Vanessa: Um, let’s stop saying that forever.

Cecily and Sasheer: Yeah.

[The End]