Author: Ajay Kumar

Eyes

Boss… Brendan Gleeson

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

Janine… Sarah Sherman

Michael Longfellow

Carl… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five colleagues in a meeting]

Boss: Alright guys, focus. Denver is counting on us to come up with new slogan for the city.

Ego: Okay, how about “Denver, sky’s the limit”?

Boss: That’s good. That’s really good.

Bowen: All right. I was thinking “Denver, gateway to the Rockies.”

Boss: All right, now we’re talking.

Janine: Ah, who even cares? [Janine is hiding her face]

Boss: Janine, you’ve had a bad attitude all morning. What’s the problem?

Janine: Oh, nothing, nothing. It’s just that nobody noticed.

Bowen: Noticed what?

Janine: Nobody noticed I got my eyes replaced. [Janine shows her eyes. It’s like a toy.]

Ego: No, no. Yeah, Janine. We definitely noticed.

Bowen: We had an emergency meeting about it the second you walked in the door.

Boss: Ultimately, we decided that legally it would be just be safest that we pretended we didn’t see it.

Michael: But  since you brought it up, why did you do this, Janine?

Janine: This is ridiculous. Nobody’s asking Luann about why she got a huge fake rack.

Ego: I literally didn’t.

Janine: Oh my god. Good for you.

Boss: Janine, I can’t help but feel you. Like, you’ve made a grave mistake.

Janine: Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s totally reversible. All I have to do is keep my old eyeballs refrigerated. Oh my god! Oh my god, no. Oh my god. I forgot to put my eyeballs in the refrigerator. Oh my god. Oh my god, no. [Janine pulls out her eyes our of her two pockers] They’ve been loose in my pockets for the last 72 hours. Oh my god, no. They’re still god, right? Can you smell them? And tell me if they’re still good. Right? And you guys are smelling them? And they’re good? I can’t see you guys’s reaction right now. I can’t read facial expressions.

Michael: Wait, your eyes are worse now?

Janine: Yes, 100%.

Ego: Then why did you do it?

Janine: To improve my appearance?

Bowen: But it looks worse.

Janine: It does? Oh my god. No!

[Carl walks in]

Carl: Hey, everybody, sorry. I’m late.

Janine: Hey, Carl, what do you think my new eyeballs?

Carl: And I’m going straight to church.

Janine: Guys, come on. Seriously? Let’s focus up, okay? We got a lot of business to take care of. Okay? Hey, how about this? “Denver City of Angels”?

Ego: That’s Los Angeles.

Janine: Oh my God, are you serious? Oh my god, no.

Bowen: Yeah, that’s famously Los Angeles.

Janine: Don’t be mean to me, okay? I can’t cry because the tears go back inside my head, and my brain will drown.

Boss: Your brain will drown? What are you talking about?

Janine: You know what? You people should be ashamed of yourselves. Today, you all put a woman’s body on trial.

Michael: You brought it up.

Janine: You know what? I came in this morning with a lot of great pitches. Pitches like “Denver, City of Angels.” “Denver, Keep Austin weird.”

Boss: You know, we can’t use that.

Janine: So I quit. And I’m leaving not in disgrace, but with dignity, elegance and class. I’m gonna be taking my portfolio with me. [grabs some cake]

Bowen: That’s coffee cake.

Janine: And of course, I will also be taking my jacket. [pulls out the curtain] And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I bid you all a Jew. [Janine walks and hits water cooler] Oh, oh my god. Allen. I didn’t know you were in here. You look amazing. See how easy that was? To pay a compliment to a friend?

Boss: Janine, that’s not a human being. That’s a water cooler.

Janine: I’ll leave you all with this. Life comes at you pretty fast. And if you blink, you just might miss it. And me? well, I’m not gonna miss a thing.

Boss: So, “Denver, if you blink, you will miss it.”

Ego: Yeah, I love that one.

Boss: You like that one?

Brendan Gleeson Monologue

Brendan Gleeson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Brendan Gleeson.

[Brendan Gleeson walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Brendan Gleeson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Hi, I’m Brendan Gleeson. If you don’t recognize the accent, I’m Irish. And if you don’t recognize the face, I am that fellow that you’ve seen and that thing that you can’t remember but you think you kind of liked. Yeah, that was me. Let me see. You probably have seen me and Bravehearts. [cheers and applause] Possibly seen me in Harry Potter. [cheers and applause] You definitely haven’t seen me in Joel Cohen’s black and white Macbeth, but you should check it out. I think it’s great. I’ll tell you, I’m not really used to telling jokes, so I thought I play a tune for you instead. Can I get my mandolin please? [Brendan Gleeson gets his mandolin] [cheers and applause] This is that this is the first tune I ever learned. It was made famous by a man called Barney McKenna.

[playing mandolin]

Bernie was the banjo player with the Dubliners. They were traveling to a very hot country one time. And Barney was told it would be 40 degrees in the shade, 104 degrees in the shade. I’ll tell you one thing he said, “I’m not going anywhere near the shade.”

You know, my family had that varying degrees of musicality. My lovely Auntie Nell, for example, she was famous because of her high nose could shatter glass. Allthe kids are terrified she’d burst into song at any moment. Especially the kids with glasses.

The father didn’t have a note. Well, he did. He had one note. But he had his own way of going on. When he was staying in our house, my son Fergus asked him, “Granddad, why do you comb your hair before you get into bed?” And my dad said, “Because you never know who you might meet in your dreams.”

Weird and wonderful. You know who else is weird and wonderful? Colin Farrell. We work together on “In Bruges”. We just got back together for a new film “The Banshees of Inner Sharon”. And funny enough, it’s about two fellas who fall out because one of them’s a little too needy. I mean, I love Colin to bits but the story is not too far from the truth.

[Colin Farrell walks in. He’s wearing thick fake moustache]

[cheers and applause]

is that you Colin?

Colin Farrell: Yeah. Hey. No, Brandon. I was just passing.

Brendan Gleeson: Yeah, way.

Colin Farrell: Yeah, I was on the way from moustache shop. [pulls out his fake moustache] What are you doing here Brendan?

Brendan Gleeson: I’m hosting Saturday Night Live Colin.

Colin Farrell: Oh, then I just wanted to ask you a question.

Brendan Gleeson: Is it going to be a needy question?

Colin Farrell: No, a normal.

Brendan Gleeson: Ask away. So?

Colin Farrell: Who’s your most favorite co star you’ve ever worked with?

Brendan Gleeson: Paddington Bear.

[cheers and applause]

Colin Farrell: Okay, but who’s your favorite human co star who’s Irish and he’s about 46 and his name begins with C?

Brendan Gleeson: Cillian Murphy.

Colin Farrell: Yeah, you’re right. He’s quite good, actually.

Brendan Gleeson: Yeah. It’s fantastic to see you Colin. Would you like to sing a song?

Colin Farrell: You too, Brandan, I’d love to.

[starts playing mandolin]

Both: Blow that trumpet, ring that bell
gonna have a blast hosting SNL

[cheers and applause]

We got a great show for you tonight. Willow is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Blood Oath

Vactor… Mikey Day

Lira… Brendan Gleeson

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching History channel. at 10, it’s “Bathing a beast: Hitler’s hygiene.” But first its ancient empires. Europe 500 BC, two tribes and a century long feud and forged alliances to protect their lands from invasion.

Vactor: For years to Voondi and the Thracian tribes have been at war. But now we, must put aside our differences and face a common enemy, the Golfen Horde.

Lira: Though it stings my tongue to say it, you’re right, Lord Vactor.

Kenan: Oh, so the Thracian Army will fight by our side?

Lira: We shall.

Vactor: Then let her seal this alliance in a blood oath as my people have done over thousand years. [Vactor cuts his palm with a knife and hands it to Lira. Lira also cuts his palm with the knife] To victory.

Lira: Victory. It was a sharp knife.

Vactor: May the gods smile on this union and bring up people’s strength.

[Lira is making painful face]

Lira: I just cut myself good there, huh?

Vactor: What news from our scouts?

Kenan: The Golfens will be at our border in two moons time.

Chloe: Then we must act with haste. General Lira How many men do you have in your ranks?

Lira: Oh, lots. Thousands. Sorry. I’m still bleeding from that blood oath. Is your palm still bleeding?

Vactor: No. Blood oath requires but a scratch.

Lira: A scratch? Okay, so you went super light? Ah! I didn’t know that. My tribe doesn’t do blood oath. So I basically cut into my hand like I was cutting into steak.

Chloe: That was unwise of you.

Lira: I know. Like I said, I’ve never done a blood oath before. But it’s fine, I’ll deal with it.

Kenan: Okay, so your cut will not be the focus anymore? We’re finished with your cut?

Lira: First, I don’t love the attitude. And second, it’s not a cut. It’s a gash. But I’m done with it. So proceed.

Chloe: The Golfen Horde will surely cross the river here. [showing at a large map] This is where we make our stand.

Vactor: Yes, and I can deploy my archers along this narrow pass.

Lira: And my horsemen shall strike along this ridge.

[Lira is spilling blood all over the map while pointing at it. Then he spills blood all over Vactor and Chloe.]

Vactor: Oh my god.

Chloe: Oh! Oh my god.

Vactor: What the hell!

Lira: I didn’t know it was going to do that.

Kenan: Oh man. Look at my mouth! What you did to my mouth!

Lira: Oh, I’m sorry. It spurs out when I straighten my fingers like this.

Vactor: Then close your hand.

Lira: But I was just showing you what’s going on with this?

Kenan: We are aware. So just keep your hand closed man. My map! My map!

Lira: I already said sorry about the map.

Vactor: Alright. How bad did cut yourself?

Lira: i don’t know. I’m afraid to look. You look. [Lira opens the palm in front of Vactor’s face. The blood is spilled all over his face.] isn’t bad?

Kenan: Oh, yes. I saw a ligament. Ligament. Why would you slice your hands so deep?

Lira: I told you, we don’t do blood oaths in my tribe. We drown a dove and throw it in the fire.

Kenan: Okay, random.

Lira: I’m sorry, I ruined your whole meeting. Map guy hates me, girl thinks I’m a loser. Such a flop.

Chloe: Perfect. Surely we will lose now. This man can’t possibly fight.

Lira: Oh, soldier tongue. I still have plenty of fights in me. And I have a plan. As we can all see, night has fallen. And it has grown extremely dark.

Vactor: No it hasn’t.

Kenan: It’s the blood loss, man. The blood loss. [horns blowing] Golfen battle horns.

Vactor: The hour has come to victory!

All: To Victory!

Lira: Alright, let’s do this [opens his palm for high-five]

Kenan: Stop.

Blonde

Jackie… James Austin Johnson

Marilyn Monroe… Chloe Fineman

Devin… Brendan Gleeson

Agnes… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Netflix intro]

Male voice: This fall, Netflix released “Blonde”, an NC-17, no-holds-barred look at the life of Marilyn Monroe. Here’s a preview.

Jackie: Marilyn what’s the holdup? We’re about to shoot the big dance number.

Marilyn: I’m just gonna mess it up Jackie. It’s like I’m a slave to this Marilyn Monroe.

Jackie: Don’t say that, Marilyn. everybody loves you. And to cheer you up, I brought in Devin and Agnes from the studio to read you all your adoring fan mails. Come on in ladies.

[Devin and Agnes walk in. Devin is a man with breasts.]

Agnes: Wow, Ms. Monroe, this is the most fan mail we’ve ever seen.

Devin: Yeah, we picked up some of the best ones to make you feel better.

Jackie: See Marilyn they love you.

Marilyn: And I do need the love daddy. All right, ladies. Let’s hear those letters.

Agnes: Okay. What do we got?

Devin: Yeah, here’s one. Let’s see now. Marilyn, you are the sweetheart of this every other month.

Marilyn: Even February? Shucks, I’m feeling better already.

Devin: Here’s another one. Marilyn I wish I was you.

Marilyn: Aww.

Agnes: My turn. Marilyn, you are a whore and no one will ever love you, you disgusting tramp. You’re poisoning our children. Not a fan.

Marilyn: That felt a little long and mean.

Jackie: Oh, that one musta gotten mixed up in the mail.

Devin: Oh, here’s a good one. Marilyn you are a sweetheart and your smile is a sweetheart too. Your to sweetheart, sweetheart. Love from Louisville.

Marilyn: I love you too Louisville. Gee, I think I’m ready to start that dance.

Agnes: Marilyn, you dumb baboon, your brain is in your button, I’d like to kick it. Not a fan.

Marilyn: Ouchie.

Jackie: What the hell was that?

Marilyn: Maybe we could screen these little or if they get really mean, I don’t know, bail?

Agnes: Well, it’s hard Miss Monroe because some of them start nice and then mean.

Devin: And some of them start mean and then nice.

Agnes: And then some of them start mean and just end.

Marilyn: Well, do any of them start nice and stay nice?

Devin: A Sure. Here’s one, Ms. Monroe.

Marilyn: You sure it’s all nice?

Devin: Yeah.

Marilyn: You read the whole thing?

Devin: Yeah.

Marilyn: Talk to friends side to side?

Devin: Yeah.

Marilyn: Alright, go ahead.

Devin: Marilyn, you are a whore.

Jackie: Here’s an idea. Maybe if it says whore, we skip that and say flower instead?

Agnes: You got it? Marilyn you were born a flower and you will die a flower.

Devin: You’re a dirty flower and your mother was a flower too.

Agnes: Oh, wait, I got a good one. I really look up to you. I’m also a flower. Now not a fan.

Marilyn: God, everyone just hates Marilyn Monroe. I should have stayed Norma Jean.

Agnes: Oh, well, this one’s addressed your Norma Jean.

Marilyn: Really? Only one person in the world calls me that.

Agnes: Norma Jean. It’s your dad. Not a fan.

Marilyn: Okay. Maybe we don’t read any of it that say not a fan at the end?

Devin: Well, this one says Not a fan at the beginning. Is that okay?

Marilyn: No. I’m sorry. Who are you two again?

Devin: Well, we’re your fan mail readers.

Marilyn: And that’s your whole job?

Agnes: Well, we’re also veers for some of the gay stars. But we can’t say which, Rock Hudson.

Marilyn: Okay. I think I’m ready to be done with these old women, please.

Agnes: Oh, no. Just just give us one more chance.

Devin: Yeah, this one will be nice. Look, it’s a drawing. [it’s a drawing made by a kid of a woman inside jail]

Marilyn: What is that?

Agnes: It’s you in jail for being a whore.

Jackie: All right, enough of this nonsense. Ladies, you’re fired. Let me see those letters. [Jackie is looking at the letters] Here’s one that really says  really says what the public feels about you. “Marilyn, you’re a genius and an icon. Now, go dance your heart out.”

Marilyn: Jackie, that was exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe letters really are a girl’s best friend.

[Marilyn feels really happy and goes to dance]

Devin: Did it really say that?

Jackie: Who knows? I can’t read.

Weekend Update Russia Annexes Parts of Ukraine Hurricane Ian Hits Florida

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]

In a speech after annexing sections of Ukraine, Vladimir Putin attacked the US for Satanism and denounced the many genders and fashion in the West. It was a hateful, unhinged speech which has many Americans calling him electable.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture from red Square Celebration at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Kremlin celebrated the illegal annexation of Ukraine with a night of entertainment in Red Square. Say what you will but gigs a gig.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Russia at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The US embassy in Moscow is urging all American citizens in Russia to leave immediately. “Oh, cool. I’ll try to do that said” Brittney Griner.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hurricane Ian hit Florida this week and Governor Ron DeSantis called it a 500 year flooding event. In fact, it’s such a historic tragedy that DeSantis won’t let them teach about it in Florida schools.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: At White House event, President Biden asked if representative Jackie Walorski was in the audience, asking “Where’s Jackie,” apparently forgetting she died last month.  Worse, worse, he keeps forgetting that this woman is still alive. [picture changes to Kamala Harris]

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Ted Cruz at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Electoral Count Reform Act was approved by all members of a Senate committee except for Ted Cruz. Coincidentally, everyone except for Ted Cruz is also who Jesus loves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s piacture of Ginni Thomas and her husband at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Ginni Thomas, who’s begging you to notice the scarf, said she can say, “Oh, this old thing?” Reportedly told the committee that her husband was unaware of her involvement and challenges to the 2020 election, and they never discuss any case before the court. And if there’s one thing I believe, is that this guy doesn’t talk to his wife.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Marjorie Taylor Greene at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene revealed that her husband has filed for divorce after 27 years of marriage. He officially blamed irreconcilable differences for the split while she blamed the Jews.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Ketanji Brown Jackson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: President Biden on Friday attended a formal ceremony welcoming justice Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court. Said Biden, “And where’s Justice Ginsburg? Ruth, come on up here.”

Weekend Update Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker on 2022 Midterms

Michael Che

Mitch McConnell… James Austin Johnson

Herschel Walker… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last month, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed concern about Republicans chances in the midterms blaming candidate quality. Here to explain what he meant is Mitch McConnell and Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker.

[Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker slide in]

Mitch McConnell: Alright Che. Pleasure, pleasure.

Herschel Walker: Yeah, let’s go team. Alright.

Michael Che: So Herschel, you’re a former NFL player?

Herschel Walker: Yes.

Michael Che: With no political experience.

Herschel Walker: That’s right.

Michael Che: And you were caught lying about having three secret children?

Herschel Walker: Yes, sir.

Michael Che: So Senator McConnell, do you really think this guy’s ready to be a senator?

Mitch McConnell: It doesn’t matter what I think. It matters what I say and I’d say go Herschel Walker.

Herschel Walker: Ay, well, I love you too, Mitch Mechanic. You see, we not so different. Me and Mint are like two peas in a bag.

Mitch McConnell: All right, well, Herschel, you already said some pretty bizarre things that they’ve got some Republicans worried. I mean, for example, you said “Our good air decided to float over to China’s bad air. So when China gets our good air, the bad air got to move out.” What does that mean?

Herschel Walker: Oh, Che. I’ll slow down so you can understand. We all know air, right? Air bud, Air Jordan, Erin Brockovich.

Mitch McConnell: Indeed.

Herschel Walker: You see, science don’t understand. Everybody’s talking about climate. But what we really should be focusing on is putting Hawaii closer.

Mitch McConnell: Oh, yeah.

Herschel Walker: Bring that climate over here.

Mitch McConnell: That’s a good idea. How about that?

Herschel Walker: They don’t need it. They live. So, that’s something we need to look at very, very closely. Right Bish?

Mitch McConnell: Right. It’s Mitch.

Herschel Walker: Yeah, that’s exactly.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah.

Michael Che: Okay, well, Senator McConnell, I gotta ask. What qualification does this guy actually have to be in the Senate?

Mitch McConnell: There’s too many to name. First of all, he played football. And Georgia loves football.

Herschel Walker: Everybody loves football, baseball. In fact, man, catching balls is what makes us different from apes. Okay?

Mitch McConnell: That’s right.

Herschel Walker: Listen, if we come from apes, why are there still apes out there? Riddle me that Obama Michelle.

Michael Che: What are you talking about? Do you have any real policy proposals?

Herschel Walker: Of course, I do. You know what I wrote a few down for Mitchell on the way over here. Here, go ahead. Read that data. Mitch.

Mitch McConnell: Sure. Proposal number one, barbecue Tuesday.

Herschel Walker: There it is.

Mitch McConnell: Number two, let’s get a daytime moon, that way no more rain.

Herschel Walker: Boom.

Mitch McConnell: And number three, create a department of Instagram booty. Too many girls out here faking their cake.

Herschel Walker: You’re damn right.

Mitch McConnell: You know what? You know what, Herschel? Why don’t you just tell them about yourself?

Herschel Walker: Oh, okay. Yeah, thank you Stitch. I don’t mind if I do. Where’s my camera? Is it down here?

Michael Che: No, it’s right there, man. It’s there.

Herschel Walker: Oh, okay. Hi, America. My name is Herschel Bershell. And I play football for the US Senate. Whenever I’m in hard times, I think of the strength of our founding fathers. George Carver Washington, the Jeffersons, and Benjamin Frankenstein. They changed the world when they got together and wrote the Bible. And when I’m the government, we gonna see. Thank you.

Michael Che: Okay, Mitch McConnell and Herschel Walker, everybody.

Herschel Walker: We’re gonna be looking into that.

Weekend Update Michael Longfellow on Conservative Family Members

Colin Jost

Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Euphoria star Sidney Sweeney received backlash when Instagram photos from a family event suggested her parents might be Trump supporters. Here to comment is one of our new cast members, Michael Longfellow.

[Michael Longfellow slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Longfellow: Hey. Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, Colin.

Colin Jost:  Hey, Michael. So, what do you think of Sidney Sweeney getting all this backlash for having conservative parents?

Michael Longfellow: Well, my family’s from Arizona. So if you can get in trouble for what your parents think, it’s been a good run.

Colin Jost: They’re conservative.

Michael Longfellow: Well, my dad’s anti COVID vaccine. He doesn’t really believe in the virus. Which is crazy because every anti vaccine article he sends me because my computer Colin Jost0 of them.

Colin Jost: Do you read any of the article?

Michael Longfellow: I try, but there’s so much Simpsons porn on the side.

Colin Jost: That’s tough. That’s tough. You don’t feel the need then to like distance yourself from your dad?

Michael Longfellow: For being anti Vax? No. You shouldn’t cut anti Vax people out of your life. They could be dead tomorrow. Spend time with them. Call them. Getting the will.

Colin Jost: Right. But the Sydney Sweeney thing wasn’t just about the vaccine. It was also her family with Trump supporters. Right?

Michael Longfellow: Well, Colin, I don’t want to shock you. But my dad doesn’t hate that guy.

Colin Jost: Really?

Michael Longfellow: No, he’s not one of those anti Vax Arizona, liberals you’re always waiting by. You got to stand up to your parents. When I found out my dad was voting for Trump, I sat him down and I told him, “Hey, you keep going down this path. I might have to pay for my own car insurance next year.” Then he told me how much it was. And I said, “Well, I didn’t know that when I said that. So, I’m sorry.”

Colin Jost: And what about the rest of your family?

Michael Longfellow: Do you consider step mom’s family?

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think so.

Michael Longfellow: Ah, shoot! Listen, family dynamics are complicated. You get it? I imagine a lot of people in your family are Republican.

Colin Jost: Well, no, no, not really.

Michael Longfellow: oh, just you?

Colin Jost: I don’t know. I’m saying I’m more of like Bill Maher liberal.

Michael Longfellow: Right? A Republican. Listen, just to make it super clear, I’m very liberal. I’m not a Republican. I mean, unless I get boarding group A at the airport, then I’ll be one for like four minutes, but that’s it. Usually I’m like anarchy, chaos, burn the system to the ground. But if I’m in boarding group A, I am like “Well, order must prevail. I mean, we have a society after all. Don’t touch me. Get off me.” That’s how rich people say Get off me. They will say like one and a half times. “Get your hands off— I said Get your hands off me!”

Colin Jost: Michael Longfellow, everyone.

Michael Longfellow: Thanks, Colin.

Weekend Update CIA Launches New Podcast Italys New Prime Minister

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of new Royal Monogram at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: British officials have unveiled King Charles III’s new royal monogram. The C stands for Charles, the R is for Rex, and the three is for how many hundreds of yards Prince Andrew has to stay away from schools.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Lizzo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: While performing in Washington, pop star Lizzo played a crystal flute on stage that once was owned by James Madison. Huh? So we have had a gay president.

[Picture changes to colorful pills]

The DEA is warning that drug cartels are using rainbow colored fentanyl to target young people for concern parents. Here’s what rainbow fentanyl looks like.

[picture changes to the rapper 6ix 9ine]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of nutrition label at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The White House has introduced a new plan to put nutrition labels on the front instead of the back. So to give you an idea of the overall health of Americans, we’re too lazy to do this. [hand gestures turning a packet]

[picture changes to interior of a train]

It was announced that by 2025 New York will install cameras in every subway car. Hmm. I thought it was illegal to put cameras in bathrooms.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chuck E Cheese’s restaurant at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in Florida say that multiple shots were fired during the fight outside of Chuck E Cheese, but there were no victims located. Hmm, maybe check the pizza? [picture changes to a pizza with human ears instead of meat]

[picture changes to CIA logo]

The CIA is marking its 75th anniversary by launching a podcast and because it’s the CIA, they’re launching it directly into an Afghani wedding.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Giorgio Maloney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New Italian Prime Minister Giorgio Maloney has been accused of spreading white supremacist ideas, which is crazy. We’re now counting Italians as white?

[Cut to Michael Che. here’s a picture of Trombone Champ logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: One of the most popular new video games is trombone champ, which is the Guitar Hero style game for the trombone. Trombone champ is also the nickname of a very popular lady in my neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ants at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study says that the combined mass of every ant on Earth is greater than the mass of every Mammal and Bird combined. Thanks mostly to this juicy bitch. [picture changes to an ant with fat butt]

Weekend Update A Spotted Lanternfly on Being an Invasive Species

Michael Che

Lantern Fly… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This summer in invasive species, the spotted lantern fly has spread throughout the Northeast destroying local vegetation. Experts are so concerned, they are encouraging people to kill them on site. And if you’ve seen one, you might agree. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to lantern fly]

Lantern Fly: I’m the spotted lantern fly. I don’t care what experts say I’m gonna eat your crop. Scientists are concerned about my high reproductive capacity cuz I’m a player. That’s why people come I’ll meet a player. My last goals are to lay eggs, be on Judge duty and to eat every crop. And there’s nothing stupid farmers can do to change my mind.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Wow. Well let’s bring him out. A spotted lantern fly everyone.

[Lantern Fly slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Lantern Fly: Yeah, I love that crop. That’s right. Boo me. Y’all don’t even know me. Boo me haters. Y’all haters can kiss my ass, aka, my seminole secretion pouch.

Michael Che: Whoa! Lantern fly, you’re coming in a little aggressive.

Lantern Fly: Oh, I’m aggressive? I’m the one who’s doing the aggressing Michael Che? They’re telling their children to stomp me to death. What is this, Mazda Germany?

Michael Che: I think you mean Nazi German.
Lantern Fly: I don’t know what I mean. I’m a bug. I’m trying to live my life, find a mate and have 3-4000 babies.

Michael Che: That’s a lot of babies.

Lantern Fly: Hey, they hating, I’m mating. Okay? Who wouldn’t want to sit on this? Oh, yeah! No, look at that under wing. It’s given ruse. Yeah! This what look like y’all trying to stop me. Ugh! Ugh! Keep stomping. I look gorgeous dead, bitch.

Michael Che: Okay, lantern fly. What do you say to people accusing you of being an invasive species?

Lantern Fly: Invasive? Oh, my family has been in this country for generations. 80 of them.

Michael Che: And how long is that?

Lantern Fly: About four month?

Michael Che: Well, you’ve also been threatening to local vegetation.

Lantern Fly: Oh, how? Because I jump on a tree and stick my mouth on it and suck all the sap out till it’s dead? Oh, y’all got a problem with that? Oh, I’m here now bitch. Cash me outside. Sucking all your trees to dead.

Michael Che: Lantern fly, please calm down. I think people have the right to be upset. I mean people rely on the crops you’re destroying.

Lantern Fly: I don’t care. Crops knows what they did. Crops frighten me. And if I see crops, I’m sucking them on site.

Michael Che: Well, lantern fly, we got a little surprise for you. Crops is actually here tonight.

Lantern Fly: Oh, hell no!

Michael Che: Let’s bring crops out.

[Crop walks in shouting and trying to fight with Lantern Fly]

Crop: Try to suck me to death. Try! You can’t even try.

Lantern Fly: Yes I can.

Crop: Oh, you do lot of talking, but you ain’t doing a lot of sucking.

[Lantern Fly and Crop start fighting.]

Michael Che: Lantern fly, everybody.

Lantern Fly: Keep stomping, bitch. Keep stomping.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Send Something Normal

Halen Hardy… Miles Teller

Adam Levine… Mikey Day

Armie Hammer… James Austin Johnson

Neil deGrasse Tyson… Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

[Starts with people in game show set]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s easiest game show “Send Something Normal”.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Halen Hardy]

Halen Hardy: All right, America. Welcome to send something normal. I’m your host Halen Hardy. For those of you that don’t know, the game is very simple. We have four male celebrity contestants, and all they have to do is reply to a woman’s DM on Instagram in a way that is normal. And fellows, if you send a normal DM, you win $100 million. Again, the game is send a woman a normal DM and you win $100 million. Now, let’s meet our first contestant Adam Levine. Now we all know why you’re here, Adam.

Adam Levine: I was bad.

Halen Hardy: Yes, you were Adam. Next up coming to us all the way from his involuntary career change, Armie Hammer.

Armie Hammer: Yes. Yeah, hi. Can I get a big welcome back to Hollywood round of applause?

Halen Hardy: No, you may not. And next up, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Well. Thank you for having me. What a pleasure. Why am I here?

Halen Hardy: Well, Neil, you haven’t had a DM scandal yet, but hey, you never know.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Oh, please. In my circles, DM stands for divalent magnesium. [laughs alone] But I do suppose in our infinite alternative realities, anything’s possible.

Halen Hardy: And our final contestant, it’s SNL cast member, Bowen Yang.
Bowen Yang: Hello.

Halen Hardy: Now, Bowen is our returning champion. Last week, he racked up over $1.4 billion. Bowen, what do you attribute your success to?

Bowen Yang: Oh, being gay.

Halen Hardy: Makes sense to me. All right, Adam Levine. How are you going to respond to this woman’s DM? “Hey, Adam. Huge fan. Love your music.”

Adam Levine: Umm. Okay, tough call. Can I see her most liked vacation photo?

Halen Hardy: Seems like that couldn’t possibly help but sure. Gotta say Adam, don’t love that hand lotion.

Adam Levine: Okay, okay, I have my answer.

Halen Hardy: All right.

Adam Levine: All right. Gonna kick things off with a “Hoooly moly!”

Halen Hardy: Are you sure?

Adam Levine: Yeah. But I got three more though. “Hoooooly moooly”. “Holy crap”. “Your body is making my penis smile.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Sorry, Adam. You almost had it there.

Adam Levine: Oh, okay. I did?

Halen Hardy: No. Armie Hammer, it’s your turn to respond. Your messages. “Hey, Armie, hope you’re doing okay.”

Armie Hammer: All right, look, I know there’s been a lot of talk about me in the press. But I’ve done a lot of work on myself and I’ve changed. So I have my message.

Halen Hardy: What’s it going to be?

Armie Hammer: I want to break open your bones and suck out the marrow.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: All right. Let’s go to Neil. Your messages is “Hey, Neil. I love your podcast.”

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Oh my goodness. What a kind message. What a nice woman, deserves a well researched response. Please show me her most likes vacation photo.

Halen Hardy: You too Neil? Alright.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Um-hmm. Um-hmm. Okay. Alright, calculating.

Halen Hardy: Now Neil, let me help you out here. You will win if you just say thank you.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I have an alternate response. “Salutations. Perhaps if the stars do align, you would like to come over and peer into my telescope, metaphorically speaking.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Now Neil, are you asking that woman to look into your penis?

Neil deGrasse Tyson: [smiles] I suppose I was. Is that not normal?

Halen Hardy: No, no. All right, next up is Bowen Yang. Bowen, got a good feeling you’re gonna win this round.

Bowen Yang: Me too.

Halen Hardy: Your message is “Hey, Bo, I’m a huge fan. I would love to be your friend.”

Bowen Yang: Oh that’s so nice. Well this will be easy I’ll just say…

Halen Hardy: Just before you start, the message is from Dua Lipa.

Bowen Yang: Oh, no.

Halen Hardy: Got a response, Bowen?

Bowen Yang: “Hooooly mooly!” “Hoooly crap!” “Your music makes my penis smile.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Halen Hardy: Bowen, come on, man. Horrible. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick break. But when we come back, we’ll see if any of these guys can just say nothing at all.

Adam Levine: I’ll give you a hint. I’m gonna say I might need to see that booty!