Author: Ajay Kumar

Sending Drinks

Andrew Dismukes

Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

First gentleman… Keegan-Michael Kay

Second gentleman… Bowen Yang

[Starts with two waiters serving two ladies]

Andrew: And here are your olives, ladies.

Mikey: Let us know if you need anything else.

Kate: Thanks

Aidy: Thank you. Wow, thanks for meeting me here.

Kate: It was totally worth driving two hours to get to this bar. What part of New York is this?

Aidy: Philly.

Mikey: Ladies, sorry to interrupt. [bringing in cocktails] But the gentlemen at the end of the bar has sent you each a drink.

Aidy: Okay, really? That’s kind of fun.

Kate: Yeah. Back in business, who was it?

[There’s a guy wearing creepy outfit at the bar]

Oh, thank you.

Aidy: Wow. Not sure what that outfit is. But cool.

[Mikey walks in again]

Mikey: Ladies, the gentleman down the bar has also sent you food. Here are 100 oysters.

Aidy: Oh, no.

Kate: That sounds expensive.

Mikey: No. He actually brought them with him. So, I would not eat them.

Aidy: Yes. I don’t think that we will.

Mikey: He also sent this. [gives them a scarf]

Kate: What is this? It’s arm. [it’s not a scarf. It’s a shirt.] Oh, it’s his shirt.

Aidy: What is LL Beeve?

Mikey: Should I tell him you like it?

Kate: I think we’re good.

Mikey: Got it.

Kate: Wo, how has your year been?

Aidy: Good. I went on a fairest real for the first time.

Kate: What did you call it?

Andrew: Ladies, I’m sorry to interrupt but you’ve been sent a drink by the man at the other end of the bar.

Kate: Oh, thank god. Maybe he’ll be hot.

[There’s another guy wearing similar creepy outfit.]

Aidy: Oh, dear god. Another one.

Kate: I’m sorry. Is there some kind of conference these two attended together?

Andrew: Yes. They’re either here for ComicCon or the Porn Producer’s Reunion. Not sure which.

Mikey: Hi, again, the gentleman has passed you a note.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Well, this is just a printout of Wikepedia page for sex which I didn’t even know they had.

Andrew: And my gentleman has a note as well.

Kate: Okay. This one says “You’d be an amazing dentist. I’ll put you through dental school.” And he signed it ‘Michael Fastbender’.

Aidy: I think they think they’re in some kind of bidding war. But I hate that they think we’re their sexual ego.

Kate: Yes. We’re not going home with either of them.

Aidy: No.

Kate: Are we?

Aidy: I don’t know. I mean, I don’t love what that one’s doing.

Kate: Yes. I think he’s smiling but I don’t now.

Aidy: I think he thinks he’s smiling.

Kate: Okay. Now, the other one’s doing that thing where you kind of turn around and pretend you’re kissing someone.

Aidy: Yeah. But he’s still facing us.

Kate: Okay. Now, that one’s doing a magic trick.

Aidy: Oh, he pulled a coin from his own ear. Maybe it seems like he just put it there.

Kate: And okay. This one’s playing charades.

Aidy: Okay. One word, two syllables. Okay, he just mouthed the word ‘penis’.

Kate: I mean, it’s been a year since I hooked up with someone. Should I just do it?

Aidy: Honestly, maybe. I mean, the last FaceTime date I went on turned out to be a pocket dial.

Mikey: Again, the gentleman at the end of the bar has sent you a gift to wear.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Well, it’s an Elsa dress. That’s weird. But it’s something.

Andrew: And the other gentleman has sent you a condom on a plate.

Kate: Okay. It says ‘creamed for her scrutiny’. That’s thoughtful, I guess.

Mikey: Oh no, I think my gentleman senses the other one is closing in.

[The first guy shows a knife to the second guy]

Andrew: My gentleman accepts the challenge.

[The second guy pulls out a knife as well]

Aidy: Wow, they pulled out tiny swords.

Kate: They’re fighting to the Pirates of Caribbean sound.

Aidy: Oh, they’re having a duel for our honor.

Kate: Honestly, I don’t hate it.

[They both stab each other]

I think they both died. Well, no one has ever fought over me before.

Aidy: Me either.

[The gentlemen stand up and takes a bow]

Now, that was hot.

Kate: Fully horny. Let’s do this.

First Gentleman: To be clear, we are virgins.

Aidy: Oh, yes. We know.

Kate: Let’s go.

Prom Show

Katie Sterack… Heidi Gardner

PJ Rube… Bowen Yang

Jacob Schneeb… Keegan-Michael Key

Danny Spooge… Kyle Mooney

Chloe Fineman

Ted Vinegret… Andrew Dismukes

Lexi… Ego Nwodim

Michelle… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Miller… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Live from the Brandy Melville ball room. It’s the Braxton high school prom red carpet.

[Cut to Katie Sterack and PJ Rube. Katie Sterack is holding a crutch.]

PJ Rube: Hello and welcome to this year’s red carpet coverage from Tamar Braxton High senior prom. I’m thirsty junior PJ Rube.

Katie Sterack: And I’m Katie Sterack.

PJ Rube: Katie, what happened to your leg?

Katie Sterack: Oh, I was making out under the bleachers and they folded up on me.

PJ Rube: Rough. Well, here to give us the scoop on what’s happening inside prom is super senior Jacob Schneeb.

[Cut to Jacob Schneeb.]

Jacob Schneeb: What’s up, guys? Schneeb here at the Annie Young Memorial chocolate fountain. She didn’t die. She moved.

PJ Rube: Now Schneeb, this is your third senior year because you’re in every club. But you just can’t pass pre-algebra.

Jacob Schneeb: Yeah, right. I do show choir, calligraphy, and I’m the only one strong enough to toss all the cheer leaders. So, there’s no time for class.

PJ Rube: Thanks, Schneeb. And I’m hearing we have our first arrival. It’s Danny Spooge and a mystery date who is out of his league.

Katie Sterack: Danny, congratulations on a date way hotter than you. Tell us, how did you bag?

Danny Spooge: She’s home schooled. So, she don’t know how hot she is.

PJ Rube: Home schooled. Okay. Then I got to ask. Hippie or crazy religious?

Chloe: Nothing crazy. Our bible is only eight pages and my uncle drew it.

PJ Rube: That’s insane. Schneeb, back to you.

Jacob Schneeb: Well, breaking news. I have a freshman at prom! Kid, tell us who you are and how the hell you’re here?

Ted Vinegret: I’m Ted Vinegret. I’m Katie Sterack4 and I met my date because she babysat me last year.

Jacob Schneeb: So, Ted, you are presenting tonight.

Ted Vinegret: What do you mean?

Jacob Schneeb: I can see your boner.

Ted Vinegret: Oh, sorry.

Jacob Schneeb: It’s fine. Enjoy the night. Back to you guys.

Katie Sterack: Okay. We’re here with a big group of popular kids.  Where did you take pictures tonight?

Lexi: We lined up in front of my step mom’s huge TV. We made it look like a fireplace.

Chris: Then we piled into a nasty white Hummer limo. I poked my head out of the roof and just screamed.

Beck: Yes. First, we stopped for beautiful 4PM dinner at Red Robin. Tipped 12% because we ballers.

PJ Rube: Lexi, you look absolutely disgusting tonight.

Lexi: Thank you.

PJ Rube: What are you wearing?

Lexi: Green.

PJ Rube: Who is it by?

Lexi: Mall.

PJ Rube: Okay. Can you explain this peekaboo moment here? [pointing at her dress]

Lexi: Oh! I don’t have a mom so no one’s honest with me.

Katie Sterack: Before you go. Any prom king prediction?

Beck: Me because I’m on lacrosse but I also did the plays.

Katie Sterack: Absolutely. Schnebe, what you got cooking?

Jacob Schneeb: Well, it doesn’t get any more prom than this. It’s two dorks who bang. Now, I got to tell you, there are a lot of dorks who bang, what makes you two special?

Aidy: Well, we met in stage crew, but then we discovered that we’re both in band.

Mikey: And yes, now we have full sex everyday.

Jacob Schneeb: Oh, wow. Congratulations. So, tell us about the ribbon you’re wearing. What is is raising awareness for?

Aidy: My mom’s ribbon store.

Jacob Schneeb: Oh, of course. Which reminds me, tonight’s prom is brought to you by Water Bottles! Put the alcohol in the bottle and say it’s water! Strapless bra, by the end of the night, your bra is a belt with a strapless bra! And of course, Hand Stuff, stay pure by doing Hand Stuff. Katie.

Katie Sterack: Okay. I’m being told that party bus has unloaded. Let’s see who’s just got in the prom.

PJ Rube: It’s Michelle Shugi. Michelle, you got a really intense spray tan. Are you worried this is a hate crime?

Michelle: No. I’m Puerto Rican. So, we in the clear.

PJ Rube: Quick moving, Shugi, because here comes Mr. Miller, the hot stuff who’s 23.

[Mr. Miller walks in]

Katie Sterack: We heard you’re doing the SATs this year, is that true?

Mr. Miller: Yeah, or I might just put on Tokyo Drift.

Katie Sterack: Mr. Miller, I had a dream that you pushed me in the pool. How f’ed up is that?

Mr. Miller: Not that F. Anyway, I should head inside. I’m supposed to be the Chaperone.

Jacob Schneeb: Well, guys, I just got some terrible news. I passed pre-algebra and now I have to graduate.

Katie Sterack: Ah, Schneeb!

PJ Rube: We’re so sorry.

Jacob Schneeb: It’s okay. All I ask is…

[singing] Don’t you forget about Schneeb

No More Masks Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Punkine Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci at a podium of press conference]

[cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: It’s your boy Fauci, the patron saint of Purell. As you’ve probably heard, we’ve got some very good news this week and I’m not just talking about J-Lo and Ben Affleck. The CDC announced that people who are vaccinated no longer need to wear a mask. Outdoors or indoors. Pretty great, right? But a lot of people have questions. Such as – What does that mean? What the hell are you talking about? Is this a trap? So, to clear things up, I found a few doctors at the CDC who minored in theater and I asked them to re-enact various scenarios to demonstrate correct mask behavior. And remember, they only have 24 hours to put this little show together. So, please welcome the CDC players and their first scene, man walks into a bar.

[Aidy and Beck are standing. Aidy is not wearing a mask while Beck is wearing a mask.]

Aidy: Welcome to a bar.

Beck: Thank you. Do I still have to wear a mask indoors?

Aidy: You actually do not.

Beck: Great! [opens his mask]

Aidy: Well, as long as you’re vaccinated.

Beck: No, I’m not.

Aidy: Oh, then that’s bad.

Beck: Well, I’m entering a bar at Dr. Anthony FauciDr. Anthony FauciAM. Did you really think I was Vaxed? Because that’s on you.

Aidy: You’re right. I deserve covid.

Beck: And scene.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. I don’t know if that’s the right takeaway. The real point is we have to trust each other. So, please be honest and respectful. Let’s see how that plays out. And on our next scene, the friendly skies.

[Cut to Bowen and Ego. Bowen is wearing a mask and Ego is not wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Stewardess, may I have another scotch on the rocks? I’m a businessman and I need it to relax from business.

Ego: You can have a scotch, but when you’re not drinking it, you need to keep your mask on.

Bowen: Good to know. By the way, I’ve been stuck inside for over a year. Want to bang?

Ego: You know I do, king.

Bowen: Then hop on. Let’s go for a real ride.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop this. Thank you. The lesson should have been you need masks on planes, not everybody horny now. A lot of folks are also wondering about larger groups or gathering. So, let’s see an example of that.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Alex: I’m concerned. This is a pretty large gathering. Should we be wearing masks?

Cecily: We don’t have to because we’re outside … the Capitol building. [pulls out a gun] Now, let’s get them.

Alex: [wears MAGA hat on] Right behind you.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That was very specific example but accurate in terms of masks. Now, what about retail businesses? How do you protect front line workers who may or may not be vaccinated. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Lauren and Punkie. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Punkie: Hi there, can I come into your store?

Lauren: Yes. But I’m still asking customers to wear masks respectfully.

Punkie: But I don’t need a mask. I’m gay.

Lauren: And I’m an ally. Come on in. The first hotdog is on me.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. That’s not how that works. Being an ally is great but it’s got nothing to do with mask safety. Also, she run a hotdog store? That left me with more questions than answer. Okay, next, we have two young folks who started dating during the pandemic.

[Cut to Andrew and Chloe. They are both wearing masks]

Andrew: This is exciting. We’re dining outside, so we can definitely take our masks off.

[both of them pull their masks off]

Chloe: Oh, no. I don’t like the bottom of your face. It looks like you grew moles under your mask.

Andrew: So, mask back on?

Chloe: No. It’s too late. I already saw it. Now, it’s all I can think about.

Andrew: Then what if you put your mask over your eyes?

Chloe: [covers her face with the mask] Ah! That’s nice. You look like a blue man.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: And freeze! [Andrew and Chloe stops moving] We cut to an actual blue man’s apartment. His roommate’s like, “Ah, can you stop it with drumming? I’m trying to get some sleep.”

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I think that’s the doctor that takes improv classes because that’s what everyone wants the doctor to do. Improvise. Alright, next we have a delicate situation riding New York city transit.

[Cut to Melissa and Pete. Melissa is wearing a mask and Pete is not wearing a mask.]

Pete: Wow, I’m so excited to be back on the subway.

Melissa: Me too. But you should know, masks are so required on buses, ferries and subways.

Pete: Oh, cool. But my question is where should I masturbate? Because buses, ferries and subways all sound like great options.

Melissa: You shouldn’t do that anywhere, sir.

Pete: Don’t worry. I’ll put a mask on it first.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: He missed a golden opportunity to say, “Thanks for the tip.” Another big question mark is schools. Maybe this will help.

[Cut to Cecily and Chris]

Chris: Hi. I’m here to pick up a student. Do I need to put on a mask?

Cecily: No. Fully vaccinated parents do not need a mask.

Chris: But do I need to be a parent?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. No. Stop. We’re going to stop that one already. Thank you. And this next one, I’m told is more of a riddle.

[Cut to Kyle, Kenan, Heidi and Mikey]

Kenan: Hi. We’re four friends from three different households.

Mikey: We’re all half vaxed and traveling by train from Florida to the UK.

Kyle: One of us is old and severely at risk.

Heidi: And one of us is a baby.

Kenan: So, how many of us should wear masks and in which order?

Kenan: And go!

[four of them start shuffling their places]

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No idea what’s that supposed to demonstrate. And now, it’s time for the big finale entitled ‘Society is good again, a vision for the future’.

[Cut to Beck, Aidy, Ego and Bowen dancing]

Beck: Wow, everything is fine now.

Aidy: eVerybody got the vaccine. So, we never need masks again.

Bowen: I’m using my old mask as a parachute for my hamster.

Ego: I’m using two of mine as a bikini

Beck: I’m using one of mine as a bikini.

Aidy: I guess when we come together as a society, we can solve anything.

All: Whoo!

Beck: Now, let’s talk about Israel.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That seems like a good place to end. So, in summary, please, everyone get your vaccine and enjoy life with no masks. Except this audience, you got to keep them on.

[other casts join\

All: An life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Keegan-Michael Key Monologue

Keegan-Michael Key

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Keegan-Michael Key.

[Keegan-Michael Key walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Keegan-Michael Key: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, wow. Man, this has been an incredible week, folks. Masks are coming off. What? Life is getting back to normal. And I am hosting SNL. What? I have been a super fan of this show ever since I was a little kid. I grew up a block south of 8-mile road in Detroit and I used to sneak down stairs to watch SNL every week. And if you had told that kid that one day he would be standing here on this stage, he’d probably would have been too busy stealing your wallet to have heard what you said, but I’e come a long way since then and I am so honored to be here. And because of that, I am going to make the most of it.

[music playing]

[singing] I’m going to do it all tonight
every single SNL thing tonight
sketches and voices and song tonight
like the one I’m singing now

Oh, costume change.

[he pulls out his outfit, but inside, he’s wearing the same thing.]

Right? I mean, I know. It’s the same outfit but come on, it’s a really great tuxedo.

[singing]

I’m going to have a blast tonight
kiss every member of the cast tonight

and thins will be complete tonight
till I get a tattoo from Pete tonight.

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete: Alright. I’m ready, man. Take your pants off.

Keegan-Michael Key: What? Maybe we’ll do that after the show.

Pete: Ah! That’s what Elon said, man.

Keegan-Michael Key: [singing] I’m going to go for broke tonight
really hope that I don’t choke tonight
but if I do it’s okay tonight
because I’m still getting paid.

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Cecily: Hey, Keegan.

Keegan-Michael Key: Cecily! I am so glad you’re here. I was so worried they were going to send some big celebrity to help me with my monologue.

Cecily: No. Just me. I just came out to say we got a ton of shows. So, maybe just jump to the finale?

Keegan-Michael Key: Oh. Okay. Yes.

[singing] Interesting idea
Thanks for the suggestion
but what if instead I let the audience ask me a question?

Yes, you sir.

Guy: Hi, big fan. What was it like winning an Oscar for “Get Out”?

Keegan-Michael Key: Oh! So close. Yes. Try again.

Guy: Who is your favorite cast member?

Keegan-Michael Key: Oh, that’s good.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan: Oh! Are my ears burning?

Keegan-Michael Key: Wow, Kenan. Are you joining me to sing a verse?

Kenan: Actually, no. I just wanted to stand next to you so that everybody can see that we are two different people. And we have two different names.

Keegan-Michael Key: Yes. That is true. I am Keegan with a G.

Kenan: Yes. And I am Kenan with an N, as in Kenan has been in S-N-L or many, many years.

Keegan-Michael Key: So, now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s bring it home.

[Cecily Strong walks in]

Kenan and Cecily: [singing] He’s going to do it all tonight

sketches and voices and songs tonight

Keegan-Michael Key: [singing] Nothing can possibly go wrong tonight

All: Coz everything’s coming up, Keegan
now let’s start the show

Keegan-Michael Key: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Olivia Rodrigo is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

High School Graduation

Principal… Alex Moffat

Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Key

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Andrew Dismukes

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a student playing violin. She finishes. Everyone claps.]

Principal: Thank you for that wonderful solo, Melissa. Life is indeed a highway. Now, I’d like to ask the class of Chris0ChrisPrincipal to rise as you receive your diplomas and reminder to the families, I’ll be reading a lot of names. So please, hold your applause till the end.

[Principal starts calling names and students start walking to the stage]

Madison Abbott. [light claps]

Quintin Addison. [family shouting for him]

Another reminder, please hold your applause.

Chris: I’m not applauding. I’m yelling.

Punkie: Ay! My baby had a speech prepared.

Principal: I’m sorry. No speeches.

Kenan: Wait, just let him talk as he walks across.

Principal: Sorry, can’t do it. Michael Albright.

[parents yelling]

Keegan: You did it boy. I swear, we didn’t think he was going to make it.

Ego: No. He didn’t read a single book. Should I not say that?

Principal: Like I said–

Ego: [yelling] Michael! Baby. Lift up your robe. I bought him a whole new outfit and he up there dressed like everybody else.

Keegan: Lift up the robe, big man.

Ego: Baby, show them the new belt. I bought him a new belt.

Keegan: It’s Gucci. It’s Gucci. It don’t say it, but it is. My man’s a baller, man. Look at he graduating magnum like his father. Magnum cum louder.

Principal: Please. Let’s move on. Danetta Andrews.

Kenan: Ay, that’s our little cousin.

Punkie: Danetta, you better smile, girl. You did it. Oh, she embarrassed because she ain’t got adult teeth growing yet.

Chris: Go ahead. Smile, girl, It’s your day. Show the world them tic tac teeth.

Kenan: She sad because she got more gums than she got teeth.

Chris: Looking like a race horse, like a little cap and gown sea biscuits.

Principal: Okay. Thank you. Let’s keep going. Simon Alexander.

Ego: Whoo! That’s my little godson.

Keegan: Simon, my man. Ay! Simon. Ay! Do the backflip. Big man, do the backflip. He’s probably going to do the backflip.

Ego: He did. We’d like to call him Simon Biles, because he’s a gymnast.

Keegan: Ay. This boy never stop backflipping. This boy can flip his ass off.

[The student is embarrassed and signals them to shut up.]

Keegan: What? Are you scared? Oh, you want to punk out? Oh, damn, man. See, all that backflipping for what?

Ego: Okay. Simon, you better stop playing with me. He making me look bad. I never for a godson that’s a non-flipping little bitch.

Principal: Please. Please. Okay, can we keep our comments to minimum. We’ve got almost 200 names here. Now, before I read the next name, please remember to keep quiet. Here we go. Leticia Allen.

Kenan: Oh! White girl name Leticia?

Punkie: I did not see that coming.

Chris: Upset of the year.

Principal: Once again. Please no comments. Specially these two families over here.

Ego: Hold on, is he really pointing at us?

Keegan: I know he ain’t pointing at us in this day and age.

Principal: Tiffany Atwood.

Beck: Tiffany!

Aidy: Whoo! You did it. You graduated!

Andrew: We are so going to David Buster’s after this.

Principal: Please. I just asked for silence.

Aidy: Well, sorry sir. She’s a first one in our family to graduate.

Beck: Yeah, we’re going to get a Bentley.

Principal: I highly doubt that.

Aidy: Excuse me, but our daughter got a prestigious internship with PF Chang.

Principal: That’s a restaurant.

Aidy: Well, did you get in?

Principal: I have been there. Yes.

Aidy: Okay, then. So, you know it’s good.

Beck: Ay! You remind me of this guy back home who used to touch kids. What’s his name? Trevor. Hey, is your name Trevor?

Principal: This is not a Q&A sir.

Mikey: Well, if I had known that nobody was going to follow the rules, I would have cheered.

Ego: Sir, go ahead then. You can cheer. Hey principal! Let this man’s child go again.

Principal: No. It doesn’t work that way.

All: Come on! Man!

Principal: Fine. Madison Abbott.

Lauren: Wow!

Mikey: Whoo!

Heidi: Good job, Madison.

Lauren: Nice one, girl.

Keegan: For real? What the hell was that?

Ego: Ya’ll are embarrassing.

Kenan: Boo! We fought for you.

Punkie: Baby, you come live with us.

Chris: That’s right, little white baby, we’ll feed you biscuits and cheer while you eat.

Beck: I think everyone just freaked out because principal’s a kid toucher.

Principal: Okay. No! You know what? I think we’re done. I’m just going to arrange for the rest of the graduates to get their diplomas in the mail. Okay? Thank you

Keegan: I like that man. Keeps things short. That’s good.

Ego: I ain’t even mad. Gives us more time to celebrate.

Beck: Great idea, kid toucher. Now, where do we pick up the Bentley?

Gemma & DJ Balls

Alex Moffat

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Punkie Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

DJ Balls… Keegan-Michael Key

Gemma… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a group of friends in a restaurant.]

Alex: Guys, let’s hear it for the birthday boy.

All: Gene! Gene! Gene!

Gene: No, no, no. Don’t do that. I don’t need all of that. But, thank you.

Punkie: Wait, where’s Lisa?

Heidi: Yeah, Gene. Where is Lisa?

Gene: She’s not here because she left me today.

Heidi: Your wife left you on your birthday?

Gene: Yes. Today is the two week mark after her second Pfizer shot. She said that she was finally free.

Alex: Oh! I’m sorry, man.

Gene: That’s okay. This is still nice. A nice quiet sad birthday dinner.

[There are two performers at the stage]

DJ Balls: TGI Friday’s outdoor dining area, make some noise for my man Gene on his birthday!

Gemma: Pew, pew, pew. Happy birthday Gene.

Gene: Okay. What’s all this now?

Punkie: Well, we hired a band before we knew  you were sad.

DJ Balls: Okay. This one goes out to Gene and his gorgeous faithful wife Lisa. That crazy covid couldn’t keep their love down.

Gemma: Aw, so sweet.

DJ Balls: So tonight, instead of going six feet apart, they’re going six inches deep. What? What?

Alex: Gene, do you want to go home?

Gene: No, I’m fine. I mean, they’re good.

DJ Balls: Alright, let’s do this.

Gemma: [singing badly] one shot, two shot, three shot, four
Pfizer’s got so much more
who knows what this vaccine’s for?
Only shot I need is yours

DJ Balls: Stick it in me!

Gemma: You are my vaccination

DJ Balls: Stick it in me!

Gemma: Give me that sharp sensation

DJ Balls: Stick it in me! Prick it in me! Stick it in me! Prick it in me! 

Gemma: Don’t stop, sticking me my arm all sore.

DJ Balls: Right there. Thank you. Okay. So, if you’re wondering who we are, I’m DJ Balls.

Gemma: And I’m Gemma. I’m British.

DJ Balls: And tell me what you told me about the UK.

Gemma: We totally spread wide open now.

DJ Balls: Wow. Wide open. Yeah. How sexy is that? Birthday boy, sure. He sure thinks so. Look at him.

Gemma: Barry, stop.

DJ Balls: No. Look at him. He’s trying so hard to hold his thing down, he’s about to poke out of the top is his collar.

Heidi: Gene, are you aroused?

Gene: I don’t think so.

DJ Balls: Wait, Gene? Gene Diradusio? Is that you? No way! It’s me, man! Darrius John Balls. DJ Balls.

Gene: Oh my god.

Punkie: Wait, Gene. You know musicians?

Gene: No. I know him from a pickup artist workshop that we took together.

DJ Balls: Yeah. But then you married that crazy girl Lisa.

Gemma: Aw, so lucky. A love love. It’s little things, you know?

Gene: Well, she left. She got tired of being in quarantine with me.

Gemma: Aw, cuddles to you. Quarantine’s really hard. I had to learn how to do me own bum bleeching.

DJ Balls: Yeah. But I tell you, you got it down, trust me. Because that little thing glows in the dark.

Gemma: Barry!

DJ Balls: Hey, Gene, what’s wrong? Is what we’re talking about making your boys blue?

Gemma: Babe, don’t make me laugh. I’m afraid I’ll toot and it really hurts because of bleaching.

Gene: Okay. Maybe I think I’ll go.

Heidi: Wait. Because your boys are blue? Do you want to go and take care of that, Gene?

Gene: No. I’m not blue. I mean, I guess I am a little bit about my wife leaving.

Gemma: Aw! Then we’re dedicating this next song to you and your wife.

[singing] Feeling naughty
because I got those antibodies
but I got nobody
to feel my body
cause I lost my hottie
and I think he forgot me

I miss you babe, I’ll let you do whatever

I’m Gemma.

DJ Balls: Wow! Oh my god! Look at Gene. He’s hard as a math problem. His eyes are watering from the pressure of holding that thing down.

Chris: Oh, Gene, are you feeling pressure down there? Your eyes are watery.

Gene: Because I’m crying. That song made me think about my wife.

Gemma: Aw, don’t be sad. You’ll see her again in heaven.

Gene: She’s not dead. Oh, that’s great news. Girl power.

Alex: Wait, Gene. You just got a text on your phone from Lisa.

All: Read it! Read it!

Gene: It says – Gene, I made a mistake. Please forgive me. I’m waiting for you at home.

Heidi: Gene, go to her.

Gene: I’m going to. I just can’t stand up right now.

DJ Balls: Oh, Gene. I knew your boys were blue.

Gemma: Aw, another happy ending.

DJ Balls: Speaking of– [plays music]

[singing] Stick it in me!

Gemma: You are my vaccination

DJ Balls: Stick it in me! Prick it in me! Stick it in me! Prick it in me! 

Gemma: Don’t stop, sticking me my arm all sore

Lesbian Period Drama

Doctor… Alex Moffatt

Husband… Beck Bennett

Carey Mulligan

Heidi Gardner

Rex… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man bringing his wife to a doctor. It looks like an ancient village.]

Doctor: Come in, sir.

Husband: Thank you, doctor. It’s my wife.

Doctor: What’s wrong with her?

Husband: She is a bummer.

Female voice: In the 19th century dark, cold, seaside town comes the story of an unlikely connection.

[the doctor uses stethoscope on the wife]

Doctor: She’s medically upset.

Husband: What can we do, doctor?

Doctor: She needs seagull sound, gray hair and long rocky walks.

Husband: I’ll see you in two months.

Carey: You’re leaving me?

Husband: Yes. With her. [there’s a lady there]

Heidi: I’m your female companion.

Female voice: From the makers of “Portrait of a lady on fire”  and “Ammonite”, comes a new award-winning film, “Lesbian Period Drama”. Another film that isn’t afraid to ask – will these lesbians be lesbians together?

[Carey and Heidi walk pass by both holding candles in their hands]

Carey: Hello.

Heidi: Hello.

Carey: Hello.

Female voice: Starring two straight actresses who dared not to wear make up. Twelve lines of dialog. Two and half hour run time.

[Carey and Heidi are walking on the sea shore]

Heidi: Put the rocks in the basket. Grey ones are best.

Carey: I’m scared of water.

Heidi: This is why I pick rocks alone.

Female voice: Featuring Academy Award-winning glance choreography, and best supporting actress nominee, The Wind. And the one actual lesbian actress as stone cold ex.

Rex: [to Carey] Hey, I’m Rex. Nice to meet you. Excuse me. Oh, yes. We were together for two years. The sex was so bad, we broke up, even though there’s not another lesbian for five full countries.

Female voice: “Sure”, says Lesbian Monthly, “I mean, I’m gonna see it.”

Rex: Let me guess. She took you to pick up rocks? Guess where she learned that one?

Heidi: That will be enough.

Female voice: Witness the world’s saddest flirting.

[Carey and Heidi are laying on the bed facing each other]

Carey: My mother and father died before I was born.

Heidi: Mine too.

Female voice: And watch heated anticipation as they round all the bases, like grazing fingers, washing carrots and fast aggressive this. Sinnerview says, “I saw their nude backs which made me the fronts, which is where the boobs are.” And of course, there’s a drawing scene.

Heidi: May I draw you?

Carey: Yes. May I draw you?

Heidi: Yes.

Rex: And may I draw you drawing her?

Both: Yes.

Female voice: Two hours of excruciating tension, all building up to a sex scene so graphic, you’ll think, “Oh, right. A man directed this.”

Rex: Hey, gals. It’s 1840. That’s been invented yet. You’re going to crack the head board.

Female voice: Lesbian Period Drama. You get one a year. Make the most of it.

L’Eggs

Heidi Gardner

Blaze… Kyle Mooney

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Jenny… Carey Mulligan

[starts with four friends sitting in a canteen at school]

Heidi: Damn, I couldn’t wait for algebra to end.

Blaze: Me neither. I was dying to meet up with my beat buddies.

Andrew: Hell, yeah. So, what do you guys think? Is there after school rap group commence?

Ego: Okay. Definitely. You know I love to freestyle rap. Blaze, you on the beat?

Blaze: You know it. Let’s go.

[Blaze stands and starts beatboxing]

Ego: [rapping] Waking up rolling out of bed
my mom calls me a sleepyhead

Andrew: No cigarettes, I do not smoke
but if you got weed, I’ll have a toke

[Aidy and Jenny walk in]

Aidy: Legs looking smooth while I do my groceries,
silky and svelte in my brand new hosiery.

Heidi: Um, sorry. Who are you guys?

Aidy: Yeah, who are you guys?

Ego: I think she’s talking about you two.

Jenny: Us? We’re your female teen peers.

Aidy: Yes. Fellow students who learn.

Ego: How old are you?

Aidy: Well, we’re nine, like you.

Jenny: How old are you guys?

Heidi: We’re 15.

Aidy: Well, so are we. We’re post puberty but we can’t yet join the military.

Andrew: Did you say nine? You think we’re nine?

Jenny: Hey, gang. Next order of business, what brand of soothing pantyhose does the the rap team wear?

Aidy: Hey, that’s what I was wondering too, Jenny. I mean, I can’t get on stage if I’m plagued by worry about unsightly leg veins, am I right girlfriends?

Jenny: I can completely agree. My pantyhose color is sun-tan beige.

Aidy: And mine is chicken tender nude.

Heidi: Well, we don’t really wear pantyhose.

Blaze: Yeah. We just have these t-shirts and, like, jeans.

Ego: Okay. Are we ‘after school rap’ team or ‘talking about tights’ team? Come on, Blaze.

[Blaze starts beatboxing]

Andrew: [rapping] Never do my chores and never do a dish
throw the basketball it goes swish

Jenny: Praying for some good legs on my rosary
complete leg support with L’Eggs brand hosiery.

Heidi: Okay, why do you two keep bringing up hosiery?

Aidy: Okay, we confess. We are sales representatives for L’Eggs brand hosiery. You see, they come in these big eggs that are not bio-degradable. Cool, right?

Jenny: You are voted by your peers as the students who are most likely to wear pantyhose.

Aidy: Yeah. You could put hosiery hot on the market again.

Ego: No offense. But I don’t even know what hosiery is? Is it for grandmas?

Jenny: No. It’s for beautiful women who graduated college [Aidy pulls in a screen with their commercial] and are working a job and hopes that the boss will ask her handed marriage. Here we have a simple powerpoint presentation to explain.

Aidy: Yes. [There’s a picture of legs on the screen] Ew, look at those disgusting legs. I mean, I can see every shadow and curve of the toes.

Jenny: That’s not cool. That sucks. I want my legs to look like beige sheer column. For the low, low price of $8 for a pack of 24.

Ego: That is a good deal.

Aidy: It just is. And you aren’t the only one who thought that.

Jenny: In the 80s and 90s, everyone wanted hairless elegant legs with no toenail.

Heidi: Damn, that’s cool.

Aidy: Yeah, I sure relate to you there sister. But then came the nightmare whore trends of the early 2000s. [Pictures of Christina Agulera and Britney Spears on the screen] X-Tina and Ms. Pears wore raw legs and toe rings. They didn’t know that they were missing out on this. [Aidy shows off her own legs]

Jenny: My favorite are the L’Eggs made memory yarn. I love them. Just take a look at these. [Jenny shoes off her own legs]

Blaze: Damn. I’m not gonna lie, those legs look good.

Andrew: I love how L’Eggs leaves something to the imagination.

Jenny: Yes. That’s right, boys. So, what do you say, students? Do you have what it takes to become Brand Ambassadors for L’Eggs?

Heidi: We want to but we don’t know how.

Jenny: It’s easy.

Aidy: All you have to do is this.

[Aidy and Jenny start showing off their legs again.]

IBS Medicine Ad

Mom… Carey Mulligan

Dad… Mikey Day

Lauren Holt

Janitor… Kenan Thompson

Principal… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Mom and Dad at their son’s school concert. Their son is going to play guitar.]

Female voice: Life’s special moments are meant to be enjoyed. Not spend worrying about your irritable bowel syndrome.

[Mom feels pressure in her stomach]

Mom: [to Dad] I’ll be right back]

Dad: But Ryan’s solo is coming up.

[Mom runs to the toilet]

Female voice: It can strike at any time. Robbing you of life’s special moments. [Ryan looking at his sad being sad] But now, there’s help. [when Mom’s walking back to her seat, Lauren stops her and gives her a pack of pill] With Tremfalta. Tremfalta is a once daily pill that helps control your IBS syndrome. Instead of it controlling you. [Mom takes her seat and now her son is happily playing the guitar]. So you can enjoy more of life’s special moment.

Janitor: [yelling] Oh my god!

All: Shh!

Janitor: Who did this? It is everywhere. On the wall? Ugh!

Female voice: Tremfalta works by slowing your body’s digestive process decreasing the intensity and volatility of bowel movements so you can get back to what really matters.

[Janitor calls principal and shows the bathroom]

Principal: Oh!

Janitor: What did I tell you?

Female voice: Because some of life’s moments are too important to miss.

Principal: Stop the concert. Kids, I’m sorry. Someone has done something very, very bad in the bathroom. Something very disrespectful. [Lauren is shaking her head] Who did this filth?

Dad: [whispering to Mom] Didn’t you go–

Mom: [whispering] Shut the fuck up.

Female voice: Consult your doctor before use. Side effects may include–

Janitor: [yelling] Something is wrong with you, you sick son of a bitch.

Female voice: Side effects may–

Janitor: [yelling] You just lit up the toilet. You just lit the whole damn thing up.

Female voice: Side effects–

Janitor: I have kids! Damn!

Female voice: Never miss a special moment again.

[Mom hugs Lauren and whispers in her ears]

Mom: [whispering] If you say anything, I will destroy your life.

Lauren: What?

Mom: [looking at her family] Wait for mom.

Female voice: With Tremfalta.

Dad: I think we got a star on our hands.

Carey Mulligan Monologue

Carey Mulligan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Carey.

[Carey walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Carey: Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh my goodness. Thank you. So wonderful to be here. They just told me I’m the first English person to ever host this show. And I’m saying that out loud, I realize that couldn’t possibly be true. Forget I said that. People in America are always saying the nicest things to me. Like, “I loved you in ‘Brokeback Mountain’. You were amazing in ‘Fosse/Verdon’.” And I used to say, “Oh, sorry. That’s Michelle Williams.” But now, I just say, “Thank you. I am Michelle Williams.”

I spent the last year at quarantining in the English country side with my husband and my two small children which is the beginning of the most horror movies. So, it’s very exciting to be somewhere where shops are open. Yes. Very exciting. I never thought I’d say this, but walking into a banana republic was a magical experience. Big day for me. I’m used to working on these really dramatic films. But then production stopped for a year. So instead, I had to channel all of that dramatic energy into my children’s bedtime stories. They became a lot longer. Lots of recently divorced dragons and unicorns with secret pill habits. My kids would be like, “Mum, please. It’s two in the morning. Let us sleep.”

So, I’m very excited to be here tonight and let some of that energy out. I’m also very excited to be here because my husband was actually musical guest three times, Marcus Mumford from the band ‘Mumford and sons’. Or as I like to call it, ‘my husband and sons’. But he couldn’t be here tonight. So, he’s at home watching the children. So, hi babe, love.

Marcus: Love you too. Hi, Carey. It’s me. It’s me Marcus Mumford from the band ‘Mumford and sons’.

Carey: Yes, darling. I know. What a surprise. Hello. Lovely to see you. Um, where are the kids?

Marcus: I left them with the sons. Couldn’t miss this for the world. You’re going to smash it, really, SNL. This is amazing.

Carey: Thank you, darling.

Marcus: Just be sure to soak in because after it’s over, you’re going to think about it all the time. Like, all the time.

Carey: Okay. Good to know.

Marcus: And I meant to ask, do you know if they’ve booked a musical guest for tonight?

Carey: They did. Yes.

Marcus: Okay, you’re sure?

Carey: Yes. Quite sure.

Marcus: Well, if they end up needing anyone, I’m very happy to do it.

Carey: That’s generous. But I think we’ve got it covered.

Marcus: [putting his guitar belt on] Really? I have my guitar just so–

Carey: I won’t. Thank you darling. But before we begin, I would just like to say a massive [Marcus starts playing guitar] thank you to the– Babe? Babe? Babe?

Marcus: Sorry. I thought you were giving me the signal.

Carey: What signal?

Marcus: Our secret couple signal for ‘please play the guitar’.

Carey: I’m alarmed that you think we have that. Come on, you’re being that guy who takes an acoustic guitar out at a party.

Marcus: People love that guy.

Carey: Alright. How about this? Do you remember the bit of the end of monologue where the host says the musical guest and that we have a great show and we’ll be back– [Marcus gets on the stage] Whoa!

Marcus: I do. I really do.

Carey: Okay. Would you like to play the guitar while I say that part?

Marcus: Extremely yes.

[Marcus start splaying guitar]

Carey: We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Kid Cudi is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.