Author: Ajay Kumar

College Panel

Aidy Bryant

Anya Taylor-Joy

Max… Pete Davidson

Naomi… Ego Nwodim

Elliot… Bowen Yang

Natalie… Heidi Gardner

Chess… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with two ladies  hosting the college panel]

Aidy: Good afternoon, fellow students of NYU’s film studies department and thank you for tuning into live stream of our final guest panel of the year.

Anya: Please join us in welcoming our distinguished artist today. The cast members of HBO’s hit comedy and my favorite show “Roommates in the city”.

[Cut to the cast members of the show]

[cheers and applause]

Aidy: Our fellow students have submitted questions about comedy, your show and social issues. And we cannot wait to hear your answers. Specially from break out heart drop, Max.

Max: Oh. Hey everyone. Hi.

Anya: Max, stop. This is so fun. Okay, the first question is for Max. How do you come up with ideas for your character?

Max: Honestly, I don’t know. I just say what I think will be funny.

[Aidy and Anya laughing in a flirting way]

Aidy: Totally. Okay, so this next question is also for Max. Do you prefer blondes or brunetts?

Max: That’s tough, but blondes.

[Aidy and Anya laughing in a flirting way looking at each other]

Aidy: Okay. And Naomi, as a black woman, could you please explain race?

Naomi: Okay. Wow. That’s a very cool question for me. Well, I’m a comedian, so my priority is just being funny.

Anya: Um. Now back to Max. Frisbees or dogs?

Max: Frisbees or dogs? That’s tough. But I’m going to have to go with frisbees. Because you can toss it into a friend.

Aidy: Aw! And for Elliot. How has being gay and Chinese prevented you from being happy?

Elliot: Do you want to rephrase that?

Anya: Interesting. Okay, for everyone else, there’s a question submitted by Fran G. “I’ve never seen the show but I can see that two of you are gay, two of you are black, one of you is Asian and some of you are girls.” Elliot, let’s start with you.

Elliot: That was not a question.

Natalie: I just want to say I like dogs more than frisbees.

Anya: We’ll get to you. Max, what’s it like to work with celebrities?

Max: That’s tough. I mean, working with celebrities could be weird but ultimately, it’s awesome.

[Aidy and Anya laughing in a flirting way]

Aidy: That sounds fun. And for queer cast members, “What’s it like to do comedy in a world that cavalierly mocks your existence.

Elliot: Okay. Are there questions that are fun or about the show or less devastating?

Anya: Oh, yes, sure. What’s the typical page to stage process?

Chess: Okay. Well, that’s a great question. So, normally, we start pitching ideas. And here’s a funny story. One time–

Aidy: [interrupting] Oh, that’s great. And here’s a follow up for Max, it is so fun. Is it so fun having a hot and famous wife?

Max: Yes. It’s so fun. She’s so hot.

Aidy: Amazing. And back to Natalie. For a follow up. Here’s an extremely sad quote of your’s that I’ve taken out of context. “I hate myself and I have major body issues.” My question for you is is that bad for you?

Natalie: Yeah, it is bad.

Anya: Awesome. And Naomi, what advice do you have for survivors of terrorist attacks when it comes to breaking into the comedy community?

Naomi: Why is that my question? I mean, I guess I would say– You know. No. Bail. Pass. Not doing it. No.

Aidy: how about you, Natalie?

Natalie: Pass.

Anya: Max, do you like soda?

Max: Yeah, it tastes so good.

Aidy: And Natalie, why didn’t you go to standing rock?

Natalie: Pass.

Anya: Max, what’s your favorite pizza topping?

Max: Oh, cheese.

Aidy: Elliot, you’re a gay homo, yeah?

Elliot: Yep.

Aidy: And Chess, you’re girl gay, so no wear dress?

Chess: Yeah.

Aidy: Max, Playstation

Max: Playstation.

[Aidy and Anya laughing in a flirting way]

Anya: Naomi, if god gave you option to be white, would you take it?

Naomi: Girl, I’m not answering that. No.

Aidy: Okay. Elliot, if Starbucks made an ice tea that made you straight, would you sip it?

Elliot: Okay, I have a question. I’m gay, so I can hit you, right?

Anya: Max, Hannah El says, “If you ever cheat on your wife, please consider me.”

Max: Aw, that’s really awesome.

Aidy: And Natalie, marital rape is still not a crime in all Elliot0 states. What will you as a female comedian do about that?

Natalie: You two are really bad at this.

Anya: Wow! This has been great panel. Unfortunately, that’s all the time we have.

Aidy: Yeah. We’re signing off but we’re dropping all the panelist cell phone numbers in the chat so you can contact them with any lingering questions.

Panelists: Please do not do that.

Max: Awesome, text me. Yeah.

Anya Taylor-Joy Monologue

Anya Taylor-Joy

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Anya Taylor-Joy.

[Anya Taylor-Joy walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Anya Taylor-Joy: Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Goodness, it is such an honor to be here hosting the season finale of Saturday Night Live. And this show is even more special because it’s the first time this year, we have a completely full audience fully vaccinated. But if you’re feeling nervous sitting so close to another person, just picture them naked. Wait, just kidding. We’ve all been inside for a year. Everybody is picturing everybody naked. Now that you’re hearing my accent, you may be surprised to know I was born in Miami, raised between– [cheers] Oh, nice. Raised between Argentina and London, and my first language is Spanish. So, legally my ethnicity is fashion week.

I was lucky enough to be on a show called “The Queen’s Gambit”. I’m so proud of it. For those of you who didn’t see it, what were you doing all quarantine? It was “Tiger King” and “Queen’s Gambit”. That was the only new TV for months. I’m happy to say that after watching the show, millions of people bought chess sets and dozens of them actually learned how to play. But if you’re one of those people that think chess is too difficult, don’t worry, it’s not. And I’m going to teach you a secret I learned on this show. So, no matter what your skill level is, your very first chess move should always be this. [putting her both hands below her chin] And if you’re really advanced, you just do one of these. [she puts her both hands below her chin again, and this time raises her eyebrows.] And that’s how you play chess, guys.

Being on the Queen’s Gambit really helped me prepare to host SNL. I just thought, “Okay, if I get nervous, I’ll take a handful of green pills and follow the cue cards and the dots. [music playing] Oh, wait. It’s kicking in now. Um-hmm. [she looks above]

[Cut to all cue cards being mumble-jumbled in the air. Then the cue cards form a chess board. The Chess pieces have SNL cast members’ faces on them.]

[Cut back to Anya Taylor-Joy]

Okay, if you saw that, that means you did drugs too.

Before we begin, it would mean the world to me to start the show in my native language, so you guys don’t mind, do you? Is that okay?

[cheers and applause]

In which case… [foreign language]

We will be right back.

AMC Theatres Commercial

Vin Diesel… Beck Bennett

Anya Taylor-Joy

[Starts with AMC theater’s intro]

Male voice: And now, a message from AMC theaters.

[Cut to Vin Diesel driving a car]

Vin Diesel: It’s been a while. For the past year, the roads have been a little empty. But we’re starting to see the promise of a new day.

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Yo, I’m Vin Diesel. For more than 100 years, there’s one place where we all came together to be entertained, the movies. There’s nothing like it. The popcorn, the previews, the pretzels, and don’t forget, the movies. I’m talking the tickets, the butter. It’s really amazing. Ah! We’ve been home for too long. It’s time to get back to the carpets, the cup holders, the arm rests, the napkins. When the movie’s not loud enough, when the movie’s a little too loud, I guess you could say there’s something for everybody, only at the movies.

[Cut to Anya at the movie theater.]

Anya: AMC is proud to partner with Vin Diesel to welcome audiences back to see “Fast 9” the way it was meant to be seen, on the big screen on the AMC–

[Vin Diesel walks in]

Vin Diesel: [interrupting] The straws, the sticky floors, the $8 bottle of water, the nachos, the hand dryer in the bathroom that’s louder than a choo-choo train, [Anya silently walks out] the second concession stand that’s never been open, the little boy at the urinal with his pants all the way down, the bird that’s trapped inside the lobby. It’s truly incredible. That’s right. I’m talking bout the movies. The butter machine that shoots out something that doesn’t look like butter. The Aerosmith arcade game. The garbage that has a hole that’s little too small to put in garbage in. That’s the movies.

Have you ever seen a movie? It’s amazing. The music, the heavy doors, the pre-show video where you’re out of roller coaster, the little trivia game on screen before the movie. You have to be pretty dumb to get the answer wrong. And I always do. Are the movies back? Ha-ha-ha-ha. You tell me. The stories, the way the hallway stinks, the waving to your dad to show him where you’re sitting in the theater, the snacks you hid in your mom’s purse, yum, the weird feeling you get when you see a movie early in the day and you come outside and the sun’s still out, weird, the cardboard cut outs, the taking a picture with Garfield so you could remember you saw Garfield, that’s the movies. And you know what? It’s good to be back.

[Anya walks in]

Anya: Yeah, actually we do require you to wear a mask inside.

Vin Diesel: It’s time to go home. Watch a movie at home with no mask. It’s amazing.

Weekend Update- Tom Cruise Returns Golden Globes & Ohio State Massage Therapist

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Tom Cruise at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that Tom Cruise protested the lack of diversity at the Hollywood Foreign Press by returning his three Golden Globe statues, which was tough for him because they were sitting in pretty high shelves.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that Jeff Bezos has begun building a new $500 million yacht. In response, Elon Musk has begun building a $600 million iceberg.

[Picture changes to Subway]

New York city has begun offering vaccine outside of Subway stations, but I think they could have picked a better slogan than “Get shot on the subway”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Uncle Ben’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Uncle Ben’s rice which has been criticized for perpetuating racial stereotype has officially changed it’s name to Ben’s Original. Now, I’m no expert but I don’t think the problem was that he was an uncle.

[Picture changes to Lynyrd Skynyrd band logo]

Police in Florida are searching for a man who stole more than $ 12,000 worth of Lynyrd Skynyrd memorabilia. $12,000 worth? So, all of it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chicago city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Chicago officials announced that they were releasing more than Colin Jost,000 feral cats into the city to help combat it’s growing rat problem. Or as the Chicago health commissioner explained it, “Da cats combat da rats and dat’s dat!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of guns at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I’m stunned. Navy officials boarded a ship in the Arabian sea and discovered weapons stash so large that it covered the deck of the US missile ship. Fortunately, the weapons are being returned to the US where they can safely be sold to the mentally disturbed.

[Picture changes to a squirrel and a pigeon.]

A group of researchers are trying to determine why humans have a desire to feed other animals so much as birds and squirrels, but if I had to guess, it’s probably because their wife passed away. [Picture changes to an old man sitting alone at the park feeding the pigeons] I don’t know why I thought that would make you laugh.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s Ohio State University logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Ohio State University reported that a massage therapist had sex with at least five of their football players. This story was first reported in a pitch to high school recruits.

Weekend Update- Liz Cheney on the Republican Party

Colin Jost

Liz Chaney… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, Liz Cheney lost her leadership position this week for criticizing Trump. Here to comment is Liz Chaney.

[Liz Chaney slides in]

Liz Chaney: Hello. Hi, everyone.

Colin Jost: Thank you for being here. It’s been quite a week for you.

Liz Chaney: That’s right. I was kicked out of the republican party. I fell down to hell like Lil Nas X. I cracked with the devil and bounced back up on to MSNBC. Colin, the republican party is changing. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I did wrong. Look at me, I am everything a conservative woman is supposed to be. Blonde, mean…

Colin Jost: And?

Liz Chaney: I was done. And Colin, it’s going to be okay because people are on my side. Brave republicans ready to speak to truth and start a movement. And there are more of us than you think.

Colin Jost: Oh, really? Like, who?

Liz Chaney: It’s me, Adam Kinzinger, Chris Wallace, Dick Chaney, and Romney, her horses, Colin Jost… fingers crossed.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, I’m not joining.

Liz Chaney: Are you sure? George Conway, Nancy Regan’s ghost, Meghan McCain… is not in, but I’m working on her. It’s Jared–

Colin Jost: Kushner?

Liz Chaney: No, Subway. Colin, this is the grand implosion of Trumpism. You don’t even know the size of the tsunami that’s coming. We’re talking me, Omorosa, five white women, maybe six. Have I said me?

Colin Jost: Yes. Several times.

Liz Chaney: I know, Colin. I know. It’s not great. Conservatives are leaving me high and dry. And what more can I do for you people? I oppose gay marriage even though my own sister is a les. I even tried to take away protections for gray bulls. If gay marriage is number one for lesbians, wolf rescue is number two. I shoot buffalo in the ass. And I am not conservative enough? To borrow a line, I’m sure Colin uses a lot, “Do you know who my father is?”

Colin Jost: I’ve never said that.

Liz Chaney: Republicans, I’m trying to save you. You’re like horses who won’t leave a burning barn. You’re gonna die. Accept the help. Trump lost… to my chagrin. I voted for him. I loved him like a straight sister. But he lost. And he incited a riot and that’s the truth. And I will do everything in my power to keep him from becoming president again.

Colin Jost: Great. And what is that?

Liz Chaney: It’s going to be me, Lisa Murkowski’s mom–

Colin Jost: Liz Chaney, everyone.

Liz Chaney: And Melania. This is her idea. She needs this.

Weekend Update- CDC Lifts Mask Mandate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost:  Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of CDC logo and a mask at left top corner.]

Guys, great news this week. The CDC announced the fully vaccinated people no longer have to wear a masks or socially distance. Except, if you go to most places.

[List of mask still required: Airports, hospitals, buses, schools, planes, Target, trains, Starbucks, subways, New York.]

Anyway, have fun out there. After the announcement, president Biden told Americans to take off their masks and smile. Even though ‘take it off and smile’ is the first example of every work place harassment seminar.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching a poor family getting evicted on a Christmas eve’, he reacted to the news that masks were no longer required by lowering his mask and saying “Free at last”, which is so wildly tone deaf. It’s like Matt Gaetz took of his mask and said, “I feel like a kid again.”

[Cut to Michael Che. Theres a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to recent studies, men who have had covid can experience erectile dysfunction and some have even reported decrease in the size of their penis. Now, that’s how you sell some masks. I mean, Fauci, you want people to get vaccinated, you need to run with this. Instead of “Stop the spread”, it should be “Stop the shrink”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of CDC, Pfizer and moderna logos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The CEC said that a number of new study shows that Pfizer and Moderna vaccines are effective against new variants of covid. CDC also said that Johnson&Johnson is trying really hard, you guys. And study also says that after restrictions lifted, 60% of Americans want to try something new this summer. “But not that”, said your girlfriend.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Liz Cheney at right top corner.]

Michael Che: House of republicans voted to remove Liz Cheney from her party leadership role after she continued to challenge Donald Trump’s lie that the election was stolen. Wow, I never thought I’d find myself feeling bad for Liz Cheney and I was right, I don’t.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of IBM logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: IBM announced that it’s created the world’s smallest and most powerful microchip. [picture changes to news article saying ‘Vaccine conspiracy theories’] Not now!

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Steve Scalise at right top corner.]

Michael Che: House Minority Whip Steve Scalise released a letter outlining the republican agenda which includes stopping Nancy Pelosi socialist agenda. Oh, please. The only way Nancy Pelosi has a socialist agenda is if socialist is the name of a restaurant in Napa Valley.

Weekend Update- Bob Baffert on Medina Spirit’s Failed Drug Test

Michael Che

Bob Baffert… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: On Monday, Medina Spirit, the horse that won this year’s Kentucky Derby tested positive for steroids. Here to comment is Medina Spirit’s trainer, Bob Baffert.

[Bob Baffert slides in]

Bob Baffert: Michael, thanks for having me.

Michael Che: Sure, Bob. So, your horse tested positive for steroids but you deny any involvement?

Bob Baffert: Of course, I deny it, Michael. Bob Baffert’s not stupid. I don’t cheat. Do I look like a shady character to you?

Michael Che: Honestly, yes, Bob. Yes, you do.

Bob Baffert: I have no idea how my horse could have tested positive. Could be anything. Maybe, he went to one of those silly Patch Adams hospitals, slipped on a banana peel, fell onto a syringe of testosterone, boom, positive test. Or, maybe he hooked up with another horse who was positive. You can contract steroids through oral, Michael.

Michael Che: That sounds very unlikely.

Bob Baffert: You don’t know horse stuff, Michael. It’s okay. You have to understand, he had a very traumatic upbringing. He fell out of his mother’s hole, then I got right on his face and said, “Run, you little bitch.”

Michael Che: That’s really intense, man.

Bob Baffert: Yes, it’s horse stuff. It’s really intense. Bottomline, I have won seven Kentucky Derbies. Seven. And I have trained tons of thoroughbreds, all clean. American Pharoah, Silver Charm, Mark McGuire, Justify, Super Jacked Kangaroo.

Michael Che: Really? And all of them are clean?

Bob Baffert: Almost as a whistle, Michael. Medina Spirit is a victim of cancel culture. They’re trying to cancel him because he’s big and strong and white.

Michael Che: I think he’s brown.

Bob Baffert: He’s Italian, Michael. Come on. I mean, sure, Medina Spirit ain’t perfect. He’s moody, temperamental and he exposed himself on a Zoom. It’s normal horse stuff, folks. Come on. The wild animals for crimes sake.

Michael Che: Well, it sounds like pretty toxic environment.

Bob Baffert: Michael, please. Calling a horse toxic can ruin its reputation. Okay?

Michael Che: Well, I guess I didn’t realize that.

Bob Baffert: Yes, you didn’t. You wouldn’t. It’s okay but don’t worry about it. I think people got to know, Medina Spirit is actually a really cool guy. Check it out. [A picture of a horse flexing it’s arms like humans appears on right top corner.] He’s got everything that a normal horse has. Throbbing muscles, backne, a perfect square Zac Efron jaw, baseball bat shaft, pea-sized ball.

Michael Che: You call that a normal horse?

Bob Baffert: Yes, Michael. And here he is on vacation.

Michael Che: Is he at a Mexican pharmacy?

Bob Baffert: Oh, now horse can’t party? Come on, Michael. And here he is hitting his 73rd home run.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, Medina Spirit actually tested clean before racing in today’s peakness.

Bob Baffert: Yes. I checked it myself and it tested fine.

Michael Che: Wow. So, how did he do?

Bob Baffert: Well, he fell apart out there. He’s nothing without his roids.

Michael Che: Alright. Bob Baffert everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Andrew Dismukes on Great-Grandmas

Colin Jost

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: This week, a great grandmother of of three received a college degree from Samford University at the age of 78. Here to talk about his great grandmother is Andrew Dismukes.

[Andrew Dismukes slides in]

Andrew Dismukes: Hey, Colin. How are you doing?

Colin Jost: I’m good. How have you been?

Andrew Dismukes: I’ve been good. This pandemic has been crazy.

Colin Jost: Yes. I was just saying that to someone the other day. So, tell us about your great grandmother.

Andrew Dismukes: A little bit of context for anyone who hasn’t read my photoless wikipedia page, I’m from Texas. Great. Got to play the crowd. Look, I don’t ever want to seem like I’m bashing on the place that I’m from or how it’s brought up because I’m a proud Texan. I’m Texan through and through. I love Texas barbecue, I love Willie Nelson, and well into my adulthood, I thought that Frazier was British. I was telling everyone that I knew confidently that Frazier was British. And then one day someone was like, “Actually, no. He is just fancy.” It blew my mind. Anyway, I feel like Texas gets ragged on a lot just because of what it does and the laws it passes and the way it’s people are, which isn’t fair. But I’m very grateful to everyone down there who helped raise me including my great grandmother.

Colin Jost: Oh, cool. Well, I’m glad we finally arrived at the topic that you came out to discuss. That’s great, man.

Andrew Dismukes: Well, I wanted to do my Frazier joke which crushed. Good call, Andrew. Anyway, I was lucky enough to get to grow up most of my childhood while my great grandmother was still alive and getting to know her was really cool. Her name was ‘Old Maw Maw’. That’s what we called her to her face. Much to her protest. I guess we thought that ‘Maw Maw’ on its own wouldn’t properly convey how old this woman was. But every now and then, you’d have to go sit with Old Maw Maw. It wasn’t my favorite thing to do, but I do have one good memory from sitting with Old Maw Maw. She had cable. We did not have cable. So, one time Old Maw Maw and I watched the Disney channel original movie ‘Brink’. Yeah! Got some Brink-heads in the house.

Colin Jost: I cannot believe people here have seen Brink.

Andrew Dismukes: Yeah. Brink Nation is huge. You’ve seen Brink?

Colin Jost: Oh, love it. Definitely know what it is. Love it.

Andrew Dismukes: Well, for those of you who don’t know, Brink is a movie about in-line roller blading gangs who battle it out. And I watch that movie with a woman who was born in the Colin Jost800s. It made zero sense to her. She was like, “What is a Disney channel original movie?” I was like, “I don’t know! Usually it just means it’s like bad. Usually, they’re just not that great. And they’re all about how, “Ah! Middle school stuff! But also, I’m a mummy.” That’s what they’re all about.

Colin Jost: Wow. Did you really yell at your grandmother like that?

Andrew Dismukes: No. I ignored her and I think eventually she forgot I was there.

Colin Jost: Andrew Dismukes, everyone.

The Muppet Show

Kermit the frog

Lily Tomlin… Melissa Villaseñor

Audience puppet 1

Audience puppet 2

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Kay

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Disley+, home of Wanda Vision, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and the up coming Hawkeye and his boring ass family. And now, the muppet show.

[Cut to show intro]

Kermit the frog: Thank you, thank you. I am Kermit the frog and once again, to the ‘Muppet Show’. You all having a good time?

[Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1 are two puppets at the audience]

Lily Tomlin: We were. But then you came out.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Our special guest tonight is the legendary actress, singer, write and comedian, Lily Tomlin. Yay!

[Audience puppet 2 walks in]

Audience puppet 2: Oh, please. Come on. Why do I say yes to stuff like this? I don’t know.

Kermit the frog: Wow! I can’t believe Lily Tomlin is here. Talk about a show stopper.

Lily Tomlin: Sounds great. I’d do anything for this show to stop.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Friends, our show tonight is going to be a blast.

Audience puppet 1: Yeah. Because it’s a bomb!

Lily Tomlin: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Two securities walk in]

Kenan: Hey! shut up!

Lily Tomlin: Finally, something entertaining is happening.

Kenan: Hey! Shut up!

Keegan: Not going to tell you again, fella!

Kenan: Just shut up.

Keegan: What happens next is up to you.

Kermit the frog: Okay. Tonight, an incredible stunt by Gonzo the great and stand up comedy by Fuzzie Bear.

Audience puppet 1: As in his comedy will make you  stand up and go get a refund.

[Two securities walk in again]

Kenan: Ay! What did I just say?

Keegan: What he just said, fellas?

Audience puppet 1: But the show is–

Kenan: We don’t give a hot damn about the show.

Keegan: We work for the venue.

Kenan: That’s right. And the venue has rules. They are printed on the back of your ticket. Follow them and we won’t have a problem.

Keegan: Everybody here paid a good money to hear this little dragon and his friends do their thing. So please, let them do their thing without talking.

Lily Tomlin: But the show is bad.

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Audience puppet 1: But–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Lily Tomlin: We just–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave. Do you understand? Sorry for the interruption, Kramer.

Kermit the frog: Kermit the frog.

Keegan: Okay. Well, please continue.

Kermit the frog: Thanks. So, Lily, are you excited for the show tonight?

Audience puppet 2: Oh, I suppose. They asked me to do a ‘grace and frankie’ parody called ‘grace and piggy’. What is this? Why am I here? I don’t know what I’m doing.

Lily Tomlin: You hear that? She said she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Audience puppet 1: Then she’ll fit right in.

[Keegan comes behind them]

Keegan: Y’all gonna learn! Y’all gonna learn!

[Keegan starts beating up Audience puppet 1. Kenan runs in to stop Keegan.]

Kenan: Alright. Alright. You’re going to kill him.

Keegan: Get your hands off me, man. I’m good. He’s over here being disrespectful.

Kenan: Just drink some water, man, and cool off.

Keegan: Okay. I’ll go get some water.

Kenan: Look, guys. I’m sorry. Alright? Obviously, I’m not a big fan of this show either. I mean, it’s a mess back stage. Dude with orange hair just blowing things up. Penguin and chicken turds everywhere. Too mad cap for my taste. But love it or hate it, no more heckling. Alright? We good?

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, sure. Your friend’s insane, by the way.

Kenan: I know. I know. You okay sir?

Audience puppet 1: My eyes are swollen. I can’t even see the stage!

Lily Tomlin: Don’t worry. You’re not missing much. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Kenan starts beating up Lily Tomlin]

Keegan: You know what? You’re bounced.

Kenan: It’s time to go!

[Kenan and Keegan carry Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1]

Keegan: Snap! We didn’t realize you guys didn’t have no legs.

Kenan: Oh man, that is my bad.

Keegan: That’s on me, player. That’s on me.

Kenan: Sorry about that. We didn’t know y’all was veteran.

Keegan: Thank you for your service.

Kermit the frog: Would you guys keep it down up there? We’re trying to do a show.

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, trying and failing.

Kenan: Ha-ha. That one was actually pretty good.

Keegan: Y’all mind if I try one?

Audience puppet 2: Please.

Keegan: Hey, Kramer!

Kermit the frog: What?

Keegan: Hey, Kramer! You stupid!

All: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Keegan: That felt good.

Lily Tomlin: Good first effort.

The Last Dance- Extended Scene

Mikey Day

Michel Jordan… Keegan-Michael Key

John… Heidi Gardner

Dennis Rodman… Chris Redd

Phil Jackson… Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mikey speaking]

Mikey narrating: One year ago, my documentary about Michael Jordan’s final season with the Bulls “Last Dance” aired on ESPN. And even though it was 10 hours long, there was so much left on the cutting room floor. So tonight, I’d like to share an extended scene that I think really speaks wo what made Michael Jordan such a great competitor. Enjoy.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan]

Micahel Jordan: Game five, Bulls/Suns, tipoff is in two hours. I’m playing quarters on the wall with my head of security John here. John, say hi.

John: Well, I’m ready for my close up.

Micahel Jordan: So, whoever gets this quarter closest to the wall wins. I’m going to take $5 off of him. Watch this.

John: Alright, we’ll see.

[Micahel Jordan throws the coin]

Oh, how about I take that from you?

[John throws the coin further than Micahel Jordan]

I win!

Micahel Jordan narrating: He won. I was happy for him. But he did that little shrug and I took that personally.

Micahel Jordan: Again.

John: Oh, okay. I think I got another five side on me.

Micahel Jordan: $1000 this time.

John: No, man. I don’t carry that kind of, what do the kids call it? Cheese.

Micahel Jordan: I spot you. I spot you.

[John throws the coin]

John: Oh, no. That’s financially rough for me. My wife’s not going to like that.

Dennis Rodman narrating: See, with Michael, he had to win. That’s what made him great.

[Micahel Jordan wins this time]

Phil Jackson narrating: I mean, he’s about to play for an NBA title and here he is taking little locker room game. Seriously, just amazing.

Micahel Jordan: Well, how much money you owe me now?

John: $9000.

Micahel Jordan: Oh, that’s nothing. You can make that in a day.

John: I can’t.

Micahel Jordan: You can.

[door knocks. Charles Barkley is peeking inside.]

Oh, there he is. The enemy. Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley: What’s up? How are y’all doing? Oh, what you’re playing? Quarters to the wall? Man, I love that game. Let me play. What you playing: $5000 a throw?

John: Okay, well you two have fun.

Micahel Jordan: No, no. John, stay.

John: No, because I don’t make that kind of money.

Charles Barkley: Well, bet your pants then.

John: Not gonna look great if I lose my pants. But well… It’s a dream team.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan holding John’s pants]

Micahel Jordan: Oh, look at these pleets.

Charles Barkley: That’s a sharp pleet.

John: Alright, come on. They wouldn’t even fit you, man. Come on. Let me win it back. I’ll get my pants. [throws the coin]

Dennis Rodman narrating: The thing about Michael is he didn’t just want to beat you. He wanted to dominate you.

Micahel Jordan: John, now you owe me a gun.

John: [pulls his gun out] This is loaded.

Dennis Rodman narrating: He wanted to embarrass you.

Micahel Jordan: What’s the bet? You said you’d show it.

[John shows his penis. Everyone’s laughing.]

John: Maybe if I was seven feet tall, mine would look like your’s. Alright? But you know what? It’s a story I can tell the grand kids I showed Michael Jordan my [bleep]. Let’s go again.

Micahel Jordan narrating: If you’re not playing to win, why play?

Charles Barkley: You hustling me, MJ. [handing over a ton of money] But you know what? I’ma settle this on the ocurt.

Micahel Jordan: Shut up. I’ma whoop your ass, man. Hey, John, give me those glasses.

John: Oh, I really need it Mike. I’m security. I got to be able to see.

Micahel Jordan: A bet’s a bet.

John: You’re right. He’s right.

Dennis Rodman narrating: Never throw quarters with Jordan. I wouldn’t do it. I lost everything once.

[John is throwing coin without being able to see.]

Micahel Jordan: One more time. Let’s go.

John: Man, I got nothing left.

Micahel Jordan: One night with your wife.

John: No, man. Alright, let’s go. Come on.

John speaking on the phone: Don’t be like that. It’s just one night. Hello? Okay. She hung up so it’s official. I’m in the dog house.

Micahel Jordan: Let’s go. One more.

John: Mike, I got to say no.

Micahel Jordan: If you win, I’m gonna give everything back. Your’e going to get your ring. You’re going to get your gun. You’re going to get your pants. Everything.

John: And what do you get?

Micahel Jordan: What do I get? Your hair.

John: You have a problem.

Micahel Jordan narrating: What can I say? I like to win.