Category: 2020

Tiny Horse

Randall… Beck Bennett

Abigail… Heidi Gardner

Ernest… Timothée Chalamet

[Starts with ‘The Farm’ video bumper.]

[Cut to a man looking at his past due bills]

Randall: Aw, the hell with it, Abigail. There’s nothing we can do.

Abigail: It’s okay, Randall. We will figure this out together.

[their son walks in]

Ernest: Pa?

Abigail: Ernest, go to sleep, sweetie.

Ernest: What’s the matter, Pa?

Abigail: Ernest! Listen to your mother. It’s a grown up talk.

Ernest: Well, I’m grown up ain’t I? You can trust me with the hogs, you can trust me with the truth.

Randall: We’re selling the farm, boy. The land, the barn, all of it.

Ernest: But pa, what about the animals? We’re not going to sell the animals, right pa?

Randall: Sorry, boy. They have to go. They all have to go.

[Cut to Ernest sitting on a farm truck.]

Ernest: [singing] It’s extra quiet in the farm tonight
and I’m feeling so alone
Cause today I’m losing my friend

Yes today, I’m gonna lose my only friend

[Ernest opens a small box. A small tiny hors walks out of the box.]

There he is, my tiny horse (neigh)
And he’s going away, yeah
They’re taking him away from me, yeah

There he is, my tiny horse (neigh)
He’s extra tiny today, yeah
But they’re taking him away from me, yeah
Tiny horse
[Ernest puts the horse on the floor]
You’re free now, boy. Go on. [the horse does not leave] Didn’t you hear me? I said you’re free. Now run. Come on, you dumb horse. I said get! [The tiny horse is getting upset. Emotional music playing in the background.] Run if you know it’s good for you. Get! Get! Go on. [The horse starts running away.] Get, you filthy horse! Go! Come on! Get! Go on! Get. Go on. Get. Go on, boy. Hey, get! Don’t come back. You hear? I never even wanted you, so don’t come back because I certainly won’t be looking. Just promise me one thing. Do great things. I know you will.

[Cut to Animal University. The tiny horse is wearing convocation hat.]

Male voice: And your valedictorian is tiny horse.

[Cut to tiny horse speech with Joe Biden. Then there’s tiny horse’s name on hall of fame. Tiny horse on front page of People magazine marrying AOC. Tiny horse is in Jimmy Fallon show also.]

[Cut back to Ernest singing for his horse]
Ernest: There he is, my tiny horsе
He’s extra tiny today, yeah
But thеy’re taking him away from me, yeah
Tiny horse

[Randall walks to Ernest]

Randall: Boy, good news. I got a loan and we’re keeping the farm.

Ernest: What?

Randall: It turns out you can keep your tiny horse after all.

Ernest: Really? [the tiny horse looks at Ernest with hopeful eyes.] No, pa. I can’t. That tiny horse was never mine to begin with. That tiny horse belongs to the world. [looking to the tiny horse] Go on, boy. Get.

[The tiny horse gets on a real horse and goes away]

He’s gonna do great things, right pa?

Randall: Sure he will, son. You just know it.

Timothée Chalamet Monologue

Timothée Chalamet

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Timothée Chalamet.

[Timothée Chalamet walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Timothée Chalamet: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My name is Timothée Chalamet and it’s a huge honor to be hosting Saturday Night Live in New York city. Man, I’m so happy to be here. I’m from New York. I live in New York. I actually grew up in an arts building in Hells Kitchen about 12 minutes from here. [cheers and applause] Hells Kitchen crowd. Alright. Before I was born, my mom was a dance teacher, but on occasion she would do background work on Saturday Night live. In fact, we have a clip of her in Dana Carvey and Chris Farley’s sketch, “Massive Head Wound Harry.”

[Cut to a clip from the sketch “Massive Head Wound Harry” where Timothée Chalamet is at the background.]

[Cut back to 1]

Yes! That’s my mom. She almost got spit on by Chris Farley. She’s the reason I’m alive. She’s reason I have an acting career. Mom, I love you. I think she’s right there.

[Cut to Timothée Chalamet’s mom at the audience]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut back to 1]

And no matter where I go, I’ll always be a New York city kid at heart. Especially at Christmas.

[Timothée Chalamet walks to a piano.]

Sorry about that. I’ll play a little song if that’s alright with you guys. It’s nothing like Christmas in New York when you grew up here. Ice skating on the Hudson. Sledding down the side of the Chrysler building. Leaving cookies for Santa in the bathroom at the port of 30 bus terminal. I had my first New Year’s eve kiss with Mr. Met’s daughter, Stacy Met. Sweet girl, big head. The city was my playground and the subway was my babysitter. Nothing like eating Cheetos on the F train on Christmas eve. Umm. You eat a handful, and you hold the pole. Then you lick your fingers. I miss that. Playing hide and seek in Grand Central and never seeing any of your friends ever again. I went to La Guardia. [cheers and applause] Not the school. The airport. I know all the boroughs. Brooklyn, Queens and Boca Raton. Ah! New York! The city’s so nice, they named it New York. And we got another New York city kid on cast. Hey! Look who it is. It’s Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson joins Timothée Chalamet]

Pete Davidson: Hello everybody. Timothée, you smell great.

Timothée Chalamet: Oh, thanks man. Pete, you ss-smell.

Pete Davidson: Cool. Now look, I’m not from that New York. I’m from Staten Island.

Timothée Chalamet: Well, what were your Christmases like?

Pete Davidson: Oh! A Staten Island Christmas. Skiing across the Verrazzano bridge. Hearing Santa come down the chimney and realizing it’s just rats. Decorating our Christmas tree with spaghetti and scratch offs. We don’t leave Santa cookies and milk. We leave them bud light and a white cloth. Yes, that was a Staten Island Christmas.

Timothée Chalamet: Okay, slightly different. But still, that’s New York, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love you, Staten Island.

Timothée Chalamet: And I love you New York city. Hey, we got a great show. Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band are here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Sportsmax

Robert King… Alex Moffat

Drew Matarazo… Beck Bennett

Deluca… Timothée Chalamet

Delvekio… Pete Davidson

Daniel Pryer… Kyle Mooney

Rico… Andrew Dismukes

Chicky Stix… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: Great news! Millions of real Americans are switching from Fox News to NewsMax because NewsMax tells them the truth, that Donald Trump could still win this election. And because of our recent success, we’re launching SportsMax. SportsMax is a network for real Jets fans, giving you the truth about America’s favorite football team.

[Cut to Robert King in his set]

Robert King: Now, a lot of mainstream sports networks like ESPN are saying that the Jets have not won a single game this year, that they’re 0-12.

Drew Matarazo: Which is very interesting because the truth is the Jets have already won 11 games this season.

Robert King: Sure. Sure. Take us through that.

Drew Matarazo: Yes, no problem. My pleasure. Now, the experts tell you that the Jets lost to the Bills, 18-10 back in October. Sound like a done deal, right? No. Not so fast. I say go close to look at the numbers. If we dig in here, we’ll see that after the first quarter, the Jets were winning the game 3-0. Then something very vicious happened. Right? The bills started all the points out of god knows where. Either it’s Jets won this game three to nothing or this whole game’s rigged.

Male voice: Finally, a network that understands that real fans don’t give up on their team. No matter what. SportsMax gives you inside analysis from Jetsperts, Deluca and Delvekio.

[Deluca and Delvekio join Robert King. Delvekio has a plate of fries in front of him.]

Robert King: Ha-ha. Now, it’s been reported that on November Drew Matarazo9th, the Jets lost to the Dolphins 20-3.

Deluca: Says who?

Robert King: I mean, that’s how they scored it.

Delvekio: Oh. Who did it? Who did the score?

Robert King: The NFL.

Deluca: Oh, the NFL. Oh! Oh!

Delvekio: Oh! Okay.

Deluca: Listen. I have in my hand right here sworn affidavits from 500 Jets fans who swear they witnessed the Jets win.

Delvekio: But let me tell you something. There’s 8 million Jets fans out there. 8 million. They have nothing to gain by lying about this.

Deluca: Wait. Hold on. You’re gonna tell me 8 million hard working fans that the Jets didn’t actually beat the Dolphins 90 to nothing?

Robert King: I would never do that.

Delvekio: Yes. Because you’re smart. [pointing at the fries] Hey, you’re gonna eat this?

Deluca: No, you can have that. Let’s look at this logically, okay?

Delvekio: Okay.

Deluca: Only a really bad team would only score three points in a football game. The Jets are the greatest team ever. So, something’s not adding up here.

Delvekio: You see? The whole house of cards collapses.

Deluca: Long story short, the Jets are going to Super Bowl. That’s a promise.

Delvekio: Place your bets now, people.

Male voice: SportsMax has football your way. All our re-broadcast games are guaranteed to end in a Jets win. And players on our network never kneel for the national anthem. We’ve made sure of that. And on game day, be sure to check in with our team at WeatherMax.

[Cut to Daniel Pryer. He is out side and it’s snowing.]

Daniel Pryer: Guys, the weather couldn’t be better here at Met Life stadium. Sunny and 68. A beautiful day for some Jets football.

Male voice: And tune in this Sunday for our SportsMax special crossover event, The New York Knicks: 100 years of nothing but greatness. With self-appointed Knicks historians, Rico and Chicky Stix.

Chicky Stix: Now, a lot of people say Michael Jordan is the greatest of all time or maybe LeBron James. But if you look at a random samples, say of the four days in 2012? It’s clearly Jeremy Lin.

Rico: That’s right. He’s the greatest of all time. That’s why he’s the new face of Space Jam by Smucker’s. The insanity never stops.

Male voice: SportsMax, this is gonna work.

Rap Roundtable

Nunya Bizness… Ego Nwodim

Ms. Queen Latifah… Punkie Johnson

Questlove

GuapLord… Pete Davidson

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta… Timothée Chalamet

[Starts with XXL Rap RoundTable video bumper]

[Cut to Nunya Bizness in the set.]

Nunya Bizness: What’s up and welcome to XXL 2020 for the culture RoundTable. I’m Nunya Bizness and today, we’ve got a distinguish panel to celebrate the unstoppable global force that is hiphop today. First up, a pioneer and trail blazer, Ms. Queen Latifah.

Ms. Queen Latifah: Okay, I see you. Ladies first. Uh-huh. I like that.

Nunya Bizness: Next up, we got hiphop historian DJ and legendary drummer of the Roots Crew, Questlove.

Questlove: Thank you. Thank you. Happy to be here, Nunya. Thank you.

Nunya Bizness: And finally, fresh off breaking the record for most streams on SoundCloud, rap duo Xam Mob, a.k.a. Gwap Lord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta.

GuapLord: Yee, yee. Skrri, skrri.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Say yee!

GuapLord: Yee!

Nunya Bizness: Thank you all. Thank you all. Let’s get started. It’s 2020. What does hiphop represent today?

Ms. Queen Latifah: I mean, at this point, it’s the culture. Period. We took over the world with the power of our sound.

Questlove: Absolutely. From the block parties of the 80s in the Boogie Down Bronx, to the protest movements of today, hiphop is about the lyrical tradition of America.

GuapLord: Nah. See, like, for me, foe me, it’s about that yee-yee!

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Nah, I feel like yee. Somewhat.

Nunya Bizness: I’m sorry. The yee? Could you say more?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Um, when she skrr on you, you just gotta yee on her.

GuapLord: Yeah. Like, yee-yee. Groor! Groor!

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: That’s hiphop.

GuapLord: On gong!

Nunya Bizness: Right. Well, the two confident white boys raise an interesting point. The sound has changed.

Ms. Queen Latifah: I mean, has it though? At the end of the day, it’s still drum and bass. Still an MC.

Questlove: Queen’s right. The MC is what sets hiphop apart. The poetry. The story. The truth.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yeah, I feel that. But, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But, what about the yee?

Nunya Bizness: I’m sorry. You’re going to have to speak in full setences.

GuapLord: I got you. You know, like, when she got that thang all up in your face, you’re not gonna yee?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Bro! Yeah, men gotta yee! On your face!

Nunya Bizness: Okay. We’re talking about music.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: I feel that. But the yee got it boy. Like, I’m talking about my boy Tash from way back. He got Gwap. I’m like, “Damn, man!”

GuapLord: Skrr, skrr.

Nunya Bizness: Okay. I can’t make heads or tails of this nonsense.

Questlove: Okay. I think we’re on the same page here. You’re talking about the party side of hiphop. Like the dancing, the yee’ting.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Hold up. You ever seen Yo Gaba Gaba?

Questlove: Yeah. One episode like, 10 years ago.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Damn bro. Respect. You’re a legend for that one, fam.

GuapLord: Damn. That’s the woop-tie.

Nunya Bizness: No, it’s not. It’s not the woop-tie. Stop.

Ms. Queen Latifah: You know, I’m just very, very curious. Like, what got ya’ll into this? Who are your influences?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: I like Fall Out Boys.

Nunya Bizness: How about rappers?

GuapLord: I would like to say the Car Rats.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: I like Car Rats.

Ms. Queen Latifah: Who are Car Rats?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Remember? The rats were rapping and driving in a commercial?

Questlove: Wait. You mean the Kia hamsters?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yee, yee, yee.

GuapLord: Skrr. Skrr.

Nunya Bizness: Uh-huh. Okay. So, no rappers then.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: I mean, I like TikTok.

Nunya Bizness: Okay. Now I get it. You heard about rap from TikTok?

GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yeah.

Nunya Bizness: Right. Well, that’s just an upsetting thing to hear.

Ms. Queen Latifah: Well, look. No disrespect, but that’s not the culture. That’s just an off shoe.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: My last song got 3 billion streams bro.

Ms. Queen Latifah: Billion? With a ‘B’?

Nunya Bizness: Alright. What could you possibly made that got 3 billion streams?

GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yee!

Nunya Bizness: You have a song called “Yee”?

GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yeah.

Nunya Bizness: Is that your only song?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Well, we supposed to have other songs?

GuapLord: We could do a remix I guess.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: We’re gonna do a remix I think.

Questlove: Okay, look. There’s space for all of us. I mean, hiphop is constantly evolving and I have respect for y’all for doing your own thing.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Na, na, na. See, okay, hold up. You’re gonna respect this. Check it. [GuapLord plays the music]

GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yee, yee, skrr, yee, skrr, yee, skrr, skrr, skrr, roll up, yee, drop that, yee, skrr that, yee, pump that, ay, ay, ay.

GuapLord: You never loved me mom
but I needed you wo-o-o

[Questlove slaps GuapLord on his face]

Questlove: No! No! You sing like that on a rap record, man. You understand? Argh! I’m sorry. I apologize.

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Yo, chill, bro. Come on!

Questlove: Chill? [Questlove punches SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta on his face] Dumb ass! Pissing me off. I’m sorry.

Nunya Bizness: No. I mean, you don’t need to be sorry. It’s okay. It’s what we all wanted to do. Let’s take a break. [to GuapLord and SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta] Are you guys alright?

SmokeCheddaThaAssGetta: Hey, dad. Can you come get us? Everyone here is super mean.

Holiday Baking Championship 2020

Host… Alex Moffat

Louisa… Lauren Holt

William… Timothée Chalamet

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Ralph… Kyle Mooney

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Beck Bennett, Cecily Strong

[Starts with a show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Holiday Baking Championship on the Food Network.

[Cut to the set. There are four contestants and one host. The contestants have covered their cakes with a present boxes.]

Host: Alright, bakers. Today’s challenge was ‘holiday wishes’ where you had two hours to make the cake of your holiday dreams. First up before the judges is home baker Louisa.

Louisa: Merry Christmas, your honors.

Ego: No, Louis, we’re not that kind of judges.

Louisa: Phew! Ha-ha-ha.

Beck: Okay. Why don’t you tell us about your cake?

Louisa: Thank you. Growing in Texas, snow is a rarity. [explain her dream cake] So, I dreamt of a winter wonderland made of peppermint butter cream. It looks like Mr. Elf has taken a day off from his shelf with his taffy skis and coconut lime ski hat.

Cecily: That’s so cute, Louisa. And I loved the sense emotion. Are you ready to show us?

Louisa: I am. [Louisa reveals her cake. It looks really bad.] I messed up. It’s bad.

Ego: Oh, no. What happened? Did you get too ambitious?

Louisa: Yeah. Bit off more than I could chew and then I choked on that bite, and then I threw up this.

Beck: And the legs?

Louisa: Are a plastic baby doll. I am sorry.

Cecily: Should we taste it?

Louisa: As long as you’re not allergic to mustard. I failed.

Host: Wow. Not a great start. But next up is amateur college student, William.

William: Hi, judges.

Cecily: Hi, William. I love your hat. Why don’t you tell us about yourself?

William: Well, ma’am, , I shouldn’t even be here today because, well, two years ago I was hit by a car.

Cecily: You poor thing. Hit by a car?

William: Yes, ma’am. I got in a fight with Lightening McQueen at Disney World. Yeah. In my defense, I was drunk.

Beck: Why don’t you just tell us about your Christmas wish?

William: Well, my Christmas wish is, I wanted diversity and peace. So, I made a cake with Santas around the world. El Nino Dios from Mexico, Baba Noel from Afghanistan and Hoeiosho from Japan.

Ego: Oh my goodness. That’s maybe the most inspired design concept we’ve had on the show.

Cecily: I know. I’m tearing up just a little bit thinking about it. Can we see it?

William: Oh, yes. Of course. [William reveals his cake. It looks bad. It looks like a butt hole.] Oh no. God! It didn’t work.

Beck: Oh my god! What is that?

William: I don’t know. I put it in the oven and it came out like this.

Ego: Can we show that cake on TV?

William: What do you mean?

Beck: Well, it looks like– Well, it looks like one of two things.

William: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Beck: Why is it puckering?

[The cake is moving]

William: I think maybe it needs to go outside.

Beck: What? No. I don’t like that. Next.

Host: Next up is Sandy. Sandy, tell us about your cake.

Sandy: Well, my Christmas wish was also of unity. [Sandy just reveals her cake. It looks really great.] I made a cake depicting children from all over the world singing around the tree. Tada! What do you think?

Cecily: [not giving much credit for the work] Oh, it’s cute.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: That’s it? That’s what you’re going to say?

Ego: It’s just kind of busy. My eye doesn’t know where to go.

Beck: I say you kind of copied William’s concept.

Sandy: Well, he didn’t even make it.

William: Oh, no! [Brown stuff starts coming out of the ‘butt hole’ of William’s cake.]

Cecily: What’s happening?

William: I don’t know. I think the chocolate lava cider maybe got too hot. I don’t know. My life is cursed and so is this cake.

Sandy: Ew! I see corn.

William: That’s a marshmallow. Grow up.

Host: Okay. Well, last but not least is Ralph. Ralph, I’m thinking this one’s your’s to lose, pal. What was your Christmas wish?

Ralph: My wish is for something you don’t see every Christmas. But when you do, oh boy! Is it special.

Ego: Alright. Let’s see it.

[Ralph reveals his cake. It has a penis on it.]

Beck: So, it’s a Christmas turkey?

Ralph: No, sir. It’s penis and balls of course.

Beck: Got it. Nice job.

Sandy: Nice job?

William: Oh god! Help. It’s got me. [William’s hands are getting sucked inside the cake]

Cecily: Wow. Well, we have another tough decision to make.

Beck: Yes. But not Sandy, right?

Host: We’ll be back with the judge’s decision right after this.

William: Oh, no. Seriously, I need help guys. Please.

Dr. Fauci & Dr. Birx Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Dr. Deborah Birx… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with “The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer” intro]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer in his set]

Wolf Blitzer: Hello and welcome to “The Situation Room”. I’m your host Wolf Blitzer, an indoor man with an outdoor name. Today’s top story is the Pfizer coronavirus vaccine which the FDA just approved for emergency use. It’s just like the PS5. Everybody wants it, nobody can get it and if you’re rich, you already had it a month ago. Here to tell us what to expect out of the vaccine roll out are the American gothic of the whole coronavirus situation, please welcome Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Hello. Hi.

Dr. Deborah Birx: And I am also the reason for the cheers.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Let’s try to keep the ‘woo’s to the minimum please. As you all know, woos spread droplets.

[Cut to split screen with Wolf Blitzer, Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx]

Wolf Blitzer: Thank you for being here. I understand we’re finally getting some good news.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yes. The vaccine is approved and I am officially joining the Biden administration to continue the fight against covid.

Dr. Deborah Birx: And I think I’ll be joining as well. Right? Remember when trump said to inject bleach and I did a stanky little face and I almost whispered, “No!” Remember?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yes. I remember.

Wolf Blitzer: okay. Let’s talk about the Psizer vaccine which is already being distributed in the United Kingdom.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yes. We’re doing this vaccine World War II style. We made England go in first. See what’s what. And then we swoop in at the end and steal the spotlight. Tom Hanks will make 10 movies about it and when it’s all over, you can kiss any nurse you want.

Wolf Blitzer: That sounds good to me. Now, who will get the first vaccine here on the United States?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, here’s how we’re going to do it. First, healthcare workers. You make seamies, you make dreamies. Whatever.

Dr. Deborah Birx: Next, we have anybody named Mildrid, Hores, Blanc, Mable or Walter.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: We’re talking about super seniors. Anyone who pays for Red Lobster with a diner’s club card.

Dr. Deborah Birx: Then after the elderly, we’ll move on to prisoners. Then teachers. Then sick people. Then everyone else.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. Right. That will be July Dr. Anthony Fauci0-bada-bada-bada.

Wolf Blitzer: That’s quite a while to wait. What do you make of the overall federal vaccine plan?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I try not to comment but this president has done about as good a job with this roll out as I did throwing out that first pitch at the nationals.

Wolf Blitzer: Yes. I believe we have a clip.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, we don’t have to show it.

[Cut to a video clip of Dr. Anthony Fauci pitching in a baseball game. He throws the ball so bad.]

Wolf Blitzer: Now, what exactly happened there?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I don’t want to talk about it.

Dr. Deborah Birx: It’s okay, little guy. We all mess up sometimes. You threw the ball wrong. I didn’t say, “Don’t drink the bleach.” It happens.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. Thank you. But we are here to talk about science and facts.

Radom girl: Dr. Fauci!

[The girl throws a red bra on Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop throwing bras. Would you?

Wolf Blitzer: I’m sorry, Dr. Fauci. Did someone just throw a bra at your face?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Look. This keeps happening. Throughout this whole thing, I’ve been the only one saying facts. So, some people got a crush on me. They say stuff like, “Can you be my face mask?” I respect it. Any other year, I’m a two. This year, I’m a 10. I don’t know.

Wolf Blitzer: Now, it’s my understanding that the coronavirus vaccine must be stored at 70 degrees below zero. How will you keep the doses cold?

Dr. Deborah Birx: Luckily, the vaccine comes in Coor light cold activated cans. If the mountains are blue, you know the vaccine is effective.

Wolf Blitzer: The Pfizer and Moderna vaccines both require two doses. How will providers track patients and make sure they return for their second dose?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Well, using a technique long employed by one night stands who have caught feelings. We’ve going to have them leave a necklace at the CVS just so they have an excuse to come back.

Wolf Blitzer: How will you decide which states get the shipments first.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Uh-huh. We’re going to distribute to states alphabetically starting with A-California. And then B-New York city.

Dr. Deborah Birx: The distribution will vary based on the locale.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. In New Orleans, we’re tossing the vaccines up to balconies like Mardi Gra beads. The more you show, the more you get.

Dr. Deborah Birx: North Carolina’s vaccine will be vinegar based while South Carolina’s will be mustard based. In New York, the vaccine vessels will be very thin on the bottom. Whereas in Chicago, it will be more of a deep dish.

Wolf Blitzer: I see. Well, that sounds like you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yes. But look, hopefully if enough Americans get–

Random girl: Marry me!

[The girl throws another bra on Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Enough! Please. Thank you. If enough Americans get this vaccine, you’ll all forget who I am. That’s my goal. To have zero name recognition with Americans. Because that means I’ll have done my job well. I want to go back to being an anonymous hunk. But you have my promise, no matter who is in charge, I’ll do everything possible to ensure that you are able to see your loved ones safely once again.

Dr. Deborah Birx: And I’m taller.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Yea, you beat me there.

Dr. Anthony Fauci and Dr. Deborah Birx: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Dionne Warwick Talk Show

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

Harry Styles… Timothée Chalamet

Chef… Andrew Dismukes

Billie Eilish… Melissa Villaseñor

Timothée Chalamet… Chloe Fineman

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with the show intro]

Male voice: She’s one of a kind. She speaks her mind. A Grammy winner and the queen of Twitter, it’s the Dionne Warwick Talk Show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. Thank you. Welcome to the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Maybe you know me from my music or maybe you have heard that I just discovered Twitter and these are actual tweets I tweeted out. [A tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “Hi, @chancetherapper, if you are very obviously a rapper, why did you put it in your stage name? I cannot stop thinking bout this.” Or this. [Another tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “How do send a tweet to @SnoopDogg? Did I do this correctly?” Thank you as always to my producer, my publicist and my niece, Britney.

[Cut to Britney]

Britney: Oh, hi. Happy to be here, Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Did Snoop Dogg reply?

Britney: Not yet.

Dionne Warwick: Dang. Alright. Okay. Now, for my standup monologue. [Dionne Warwick stands. There’s music playing.]

[singing] What do you get when you fall in love?
a guy with a pin that burst your bubble

Thank you. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest. Harry Styles.

[Harry Styles walks in]

Harry Styles: Ms. Warwick. You’re a legend. I can’t believe it. I’m such a massive fan.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. And who are you?

Harry Styles: I’m Harry Styles. I’m a singer. Sort of essential fashion man and you could say I do it for everyone. [winks at the camera]

Dionne Warwick: No, no. But where do I know you from?

Harry Styles: Maybe you know my song, “Watermelon Sugar.”

Dionne Warwick: What is watermelon sugar?

Harry Styles: Well, I think it’s just about summer but some people think it’s about oral sex.

Dionne Warwick: That’s nasty.

Harry Styles: But, on a woman.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, now I like your ass. I like you a lot. Alright. One last question, Harry Styles. Why is Windy Williams being a bitch to me? She started beefing and now she acting like she can’t finish.

Harry Styles: Oh. I’m sorry. I don’t know who Wendy Williams is.

Dionne Warwick: Oh. I knew I liked your ass. Okay. Alright. Thank you for joining us. That’s enough. Go away. Go away. [Harry Styles leaves] Alright. Go on. Britney, baby, it is exciting to be on TV.

Britney: Oh, yes. Just like when you were on Celebrity Apprentice.

Dionne Warwick: No, I wasn’t. I briefly worked for Donald Trump.

Britney: That was the show, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: I don’t remember it that way. Okay. Now for our cooking segment. [Dionne Warwick stands and walks to the kitchen side. There’s a chef there.]

[singing] Keep smiling, [Chef: Hi, Ms. Walwick] keep shining

[Chef: Today were–]
you know you can always count on me
for sure

[Dionne Warwick picks up a dish and eats it.]

hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm

Oh, pretty good. Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her couch. The Chef is ignored.]

Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest. Ms. William Eyelash.

[Billie Eilish walks in]

Billie Eilish: Hi. Yeah, my name is actually Billie Eilish. I’m a singer.

[singing] I’m a bad type, making mama mad type
I’m a bad guy.

Dionne Warwick: Mm, that’s wonderful. So, Kesha–

Billie Eilish: No. I’m Billie Eilish.

Dionne Warwick: No, I know. So, why does Kesha have a dollar sign? And also Sia with the wig, she got a nose job or something.

Billie Eilish: Are you just going to keep asking me about other people?

Dionne Warwick: Yes. Now, Billie Eilish, you’re spooky. Can you put a hex on Windy Williams for me?

Billie Eilish: I could try.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Thanks for coming.

[Billie Eilish leaves]

Okay. Our next guest has been making all my assistants blush. Timothée Chalamet.

[Timothée Chalamet walks in]

Timothée Chalamet: Oh, man. This is crazy. This is so cool.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. You seem young.

Timothée Chalamet: [laughing] Na. Na. Na. Na. [laughing] I guess.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, young man. That’s enough now. Help me with my phone. It is locked and I’m trying to send a clap back at Windy Williams. I just want to clap back.

Timothée Chalamet: Yes, yes.

[Timothée Chalamet takes the phone from Dionne Warwick and gives her his fist for a fist bump.]

Dionne Warwick: No, I don’t want to fist bump. Okay. You can take that back stage buddy. Alright, now.

[Timothée Chalamet walks out.]

Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. Alright, next guest. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Ae-yo. Wad up?

Dionne Warwick: No. That man is here to kill us.

Britney: No. It’s just his name, auntie.

Dionne Warwick: No. I don’t want to chance it, baby. Get him out of here.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Whatever. Peace.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks out.]

Dionne Warwick: Phew! Much better. Alright. Okay, audience. We have come to the best part of the show. Everyone look under your chairs. Everyone gets a– [music starts]

[singing] Do you know the way to San Jose?

[The audience are looking under their chairs.]

Audience: There is nothing there.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. I don’t owe you anything. Thank you for watching the Dionne Warwick Talk Show. Snoop, call me, baby!

December to Remember Car Commercial

Nathan… Beck Bennett

Cathy… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Timothée Chalamet

Mike… Mikey Day

[Starts with a father, mother and their son sitting near their Christmas decoration.]

Nathan: Yes, it’ll fit perfectly. Hey, Matt, I think there might be one more gift for your mom right there.

[Matt brings the gift box for Cathy.]

Female voice: It hasn’t been a normal year. So this Christmas, get her something extra ordinary during the Lexux December to Remember sale event.

[There’s a Lexus car key inside the box.]

Cathy: Nathan, you didn’t.

Nathan: With flexible financing and 0% APR, there has never been a better time to buy or lease a new Lexus.

[Nathan runs outside. There’s a very nice car there.]

Matt: Wow!

Nathan: Merry Christmas, baby.

Cathy: [angry] Are you fucking kidding me Nathan? Did you seriously buy a car without asking me?

Nathan: Well, because for Christmas.

Cathy: This is a major purchase.

Nathan: Right. But it was a December to remember.

Cathy: It’s a Lexus. We don’t have the money for this, Nathan.

Matt: We don’t?

Cathy: No, we don’t. Your father doesn’t– Your father hasn’t worked since last March.

Matt: What?

Nathan: Yeah. Covid has hit a lot of people hard and I’m no exception.

Cathy: Nathan, you got fired in March 2019. Covid had nothing to do with it.

Nathan: Hey pal. I guess your old man’s busted.

[Cut to Lexus car commercial]

Female voice: It’s beginning to look a lot like savings. So, get to your local Lexus dealer today.

Cathy: How much did you spend on this ridiculous car, Nathan?

Nathan: It was only 3999 to it’s signing. Four grand. It’s not that much, babe.

Cathy: And how much is the monthly payment?

Nathan: The what?

Cathy: Did you think this entire car cost $4000?

Nathan: Uh-huh.

Cathy: There’s a monthly payment.

Nathan: Yes. With 0% apur. I think it’s all good.

Cathy: Apur? Do you mean APR?

Nathan: I’m pretty sure it’s apur.

Matt: Wow. Just, wow.

Nathan: Hey, come on. It’s Christmas. This is good. I did a good thing for us. [takes a can of beer out of his pocket] Let’s enjoy it. [drinks the beer]

Matt: Dad, it’s nine in the morning.

Nathan: So? It’s not like I have work later. Ha-ha. Come on!

[a neighbor walks to them.]

Mike: Hey.

Nathan: Hey, neighbor.

Mike: You bought a Lexus? You come to me three weeks ago, “Oh, Mike, help me. I need money. I can’t buy Christmas gifts for my family. My wife doesn’t respect me.”

Nathan: I didn’t say that.

Mike: My wife’s cheating on me with everyone.

Matt: Mom, you are? [Cathy just looks away]

Mike: I want to look cool in front of my son’s girlfriend.

Matt: Ew, dad! Is that why you pierced your ear?

Nathan: No, I’ve had this forever. [his piercing is fresh and bleeding]

Mike: I just need five grand to get back on my feet. And then you buy a Lexus?

Nathan: Yes. Well, it was beginning to look a lot like savings at my Lexus dealer.

Mike: I want my money back, man. Tomorrow! [looks at Cathy] Hey, Cathy. [Cathy waves at him with flirty looks]

Nathan: What is that look?

Cathy: You know what? We’re taking this car back to the dealership now.

Matt: I better drive.

Nathan: Maybe we stop by Jenna’s on the way over. She this cool car your dad got. Hah?

Cathy: Shut up.

Female voice: Give the gift of Lexus. And definitely, talk it over first.

Coronavirus Holiday

Rony… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Andrew Dismukes

Oral… Bowen Yang

Genital… Chloe Fineman

Spike… Timothée Chalamet

Spanish Influenza… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now, a Rona family Christmas.

[Cut to Rona Family. They’re humand with corona like crown spikes on their heads.]

Rony: I can’t believe 2020 is almost over. I’m gonna miss it.

Cecily: I know. We’ve been traveling non-stop all year. China, Italy, New York, Florida. How great is Florida?

Rony: Oh, so great. I just wish we had a break for more holiday parties. I mean, how many can the White House throw?

[doorbell ringing]

Cecily: Oh! Oh-oh! I think I know who that is.

[Cecily opens the door. Daughter walks in.]

Hey, my baby girl’s home.

Daughter: Hi, mom.

Cecily: How was your first semester at college?

Daughter: Oh, it was incredible. It took out like, a whole dorm.

Cecily: Oh. We are so proud of you, honey.

Rony: Our little girl’s a super spreader.

Daughter: Oh. And I wanted you guys to meet this guy I’ve started mutating with.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hi.

Daughter: Not to put him on the spot, but we did meet on the contact tracing app.

Andrew: Yes. I swabbed her right.

Daughter: Yes, and he’s kind of famous.

Andrew: Oh well, I guess a little.

Daughter: Oh, come on. Tell them.

Andrew: Alright. It’s not big deal. I was the one who infected Hanks.

Cecily: Tom Hanks?

Rony: Wow! That was basically the Super Bowl of infections. What do you do next?

Andrew: I’m going to Disney World.

All: Laughing.

Rony: Hey! This one’s a keeper.

[doorbell ringing]

Cecily: Wait. Now, who is that?

[A couple walks in]

Couple: Hi.

Oral: It’s your neighbors. We just wanted to pop out of nowhere and say hello.

Cecily: Well, this is a surprise. Honey, have you met the herpes?

Daughter: I haven’t, actually. Even though, statistically, I probably should have.

Oral: I’m Oral and this is my wife Genital.

Genital: Please call me Jen.

[Spike walks in. Villain’s music is playing.]

Spike: Hey! What’s the matter? Aren’t you going to introduce them to your other child?

Rony: Wow, look who’s awake before it’s 6PM, just in time to start drinking.

Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Am I a little disinfected? At least I’m not a hoax like rest of this family.

Genital: Sorry, maybe now is not a good time.

Oral: Yes. It’s like, the herpes always show up when you’re stressed out.

Cecily: I’m sorry.

Genital: No, no. It’s fine. We’ll come back.

Oral: We always do.

[Oral and Genital leave]

Cecily: Well, that was incredibly rude.

Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Are my proteins not perfect like my little sis? Back from her first semester of the University of Phoenix in person?

Rony: We gave you every opportunity. We paid to send you to New Zealand and now look, zero cases. People are going to concerts there. It’s a disgrace.

Cecily: Think of your poor grandmother, Spanish Influenza.

[Spanish Influenza is there knitting a sweater]

Spanish Influenza: Come on! Give me a kiss, I’ll kill you.

Cecily: Now, she infected the whole world and that was before airplanes.

Spanish Influenza: Ai. Uno Ve Sito. I kill everyone.

Rony: If you don’t start infecting again, your career’s over. You’re gonna end up like those washed up viruses on “Dancing With the SARS”.

Cecily: Maybe you’d feel better if you dined indoors more.

Spike: Hey! I’m just following Cuomo’s ‘Stay at home’ order.

Rony: You do not mention Cuomo in this household.

Spike: Why not? A lot of people say he’s the only real leader in this country right now.

Rony: You know damn well that President Trump is the only one looking out for us. We wouldn’t still be here without Trump.

Cecily: And Trump introduced us to everyone he knows. Even after he was infected. Now that’s the class act.

Daughter: Guys. Do we really need to talk politics right now?

Rony: Your brother is living in the clouds when he should be living on surfaces.

Spike: Oh yeah? Well I heard you’re not even deadlier than the regular flu.

Cecily: Spike! You take that back!

Rony: No, no. Let the big man talk. You think you’re big enough to hit your old man?

Daughter: Dad, stop.

Spike: Are you even my dad? Maybe mom just landed on a lung cell and replicated.

Rony: Sometimes I wish you weren’t my son.

Spike: Oh yeah? Well it must be Christmas because your wish just came true. I’m getting the vaccine.

[Everyone’s shocked]
Rony: You wouldn’t.

Spike: Watch me. Pretty soon, I’ll have the antibodies.

Rony: He’s joining the radical ANTIBO.

Cecily: Why are you doing this to us?

Spike: Because mom, you never had time for me. You never went to a single one of my NFL games. Dad’s been so focused on the second wave, he can’t even hear his first born son crying out for help.

Cecily: Rony, say something.

Rony: You’re a great virus, son. Your laughter has always been so infectious and you gave those tigers at the Bronx zoo covid, remember? I don’t know how the hell you pulled that off.

Spike: I snuck in their butts.

Rony: I know I don’t say this enough, but I’m proud of you.

Cecily: We all, we have so much to be grateful for this Christmas. To think at this time last year, we were just a glimmer in the eye of a sick bat. I know the odds are stacked against us, but maybe 2021 will be even better.

Daughter: And we were going to wait to tell you this, but we are engaged.

Andrew: Yeah. And we’re moving in to Rudy Giuliani.

All: Yay! [celebrating]

Weekend Update- Trump Loses Election Lawsuits

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Yesterday, Trump’s lawyer has opened another door on their advent calendar of losing as they had election lawsuits tossed in six different states proving once again that this administration will never stop fighting … except the coronavirus. In a psychotic onlyfans video this week, Trump said that this was a rigged election at the highest level. Dude, you’re the highest level. You are in charge when the election happened. And hey, look, I’ll believe any conspiracy you want as long as in 44 days, you leave. Okay? I will believe anything. That there were suitcases of hidden ballots. I’ll believe that the votes were counted illegally in Spain. Or this is a real theory, that North Koreans in ships dropped off ballots in Maine. Because you know, it’s easier for North Koreans to get to the east coast. Whatever you want us to believe, sir, I’m in. I see you. You is smart. You is kind. You is important. But you is need to go.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of coronavirus at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The CDC has recommended that the first people in the US to receive covid vaccines should be healthcare workers and residential nursing homes. While the first people to actually receive it will be guests at Colin and Scarlett’s holiday yacht party. I got mixed feelings on this vaccine. On one hand, I’m black. Naturally, I don’t really trust it. But on the other hand, I’m on a white TV show. So, I might actually get the real one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former presidents Barack Obama, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush have all volunteered to film themselves getting shot of the covid vaccine. And to reach their target demos, Obama’s will air on MSNBC, Bush’s on Fox News and Clinton’s on Brazzers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and Jared Kushner at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I don’t know what that is. It was reported that president Trump has been discussing the possibility of issuing a pre-emptive pardon for Jared Kushner. His price? One night with Kushner’s wife.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sources also say that Trump is considering giving a pre-emptive part into Rudy Giuliani, I assume for Rudy’s crime of murdering his own legacy. Giuliani as seen here emerging from the vat of chemicals he fell in to while fighting Batman, continued to strengthened his eventual sanity defense when he went to Michigan so push his voter fraud conspiracy theories. Yes, at one point in the hearing, Giuliani audibly farted. Which was somehow a high point in terms of dignity. if you haven’t seen it, have a listen.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani speaking in the court]

Rudy Giuliani: The answer that I gave you is they didn’t bother to interview a single [fart] witness. Just like you.\

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You gotta respect that he just kept going. Just a total pro. But you know that your election fraud theories are pretty dumb when even your butt is like, “Objection!”