Tag: Aidy Bryant

Aer Lingus

Brianna… Cecily Strong

Coleen… Saoirse Ronan

Alex Moffat

Kate McKinnon

Captain… Kyle Mooney

Maiv… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Brianna speaking on airplane’s speaker]

Brianna: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard to flight 192 from Dublin to Cork, making connections to New York city. Now, before we’re in the air, we want to go over some safety features on Air Lingus.

Coleen: Yes. But even before that, we know what Air Lingus sounds like.

Brianna: Yes. We can’t go through a flight without someone making an Air Lingus comment.

Coleen: You know, about the word that sounds like, nothing any more about it.

Brianna: And to the word we’re talking about, it sort of rhymes with Ronan and it’s about female bits and what she can do to em’. But we’re not saying anymore about it.

Coleen: It’s low hanging fruit, literally. And that is definitely the last we are saying about that.

Brianna: And the word was conalingus.

Alex: How long do you reckon we’ll be on the runway? What’s the delay then?

Brianna: I heard it was a dog.

Coleen: Oh, here’s the lady with the orange sticks now. maybe she has more information.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Folks, we’ve got a dog on the runway. It’s got sad eyes. So, we’re gonna have to wait. We’re going to let dog choose when he’s ready to move. It’s his will. It’s his story. Not ours. Do you understand?

[Kate walks out]

Coleen: Good then, right. Let’s do our safety presentation. Do all of you have your pamphlets? If so, just pull them out now.

Brianna: Okay, number one. Mind your children please.

Coleen: Yes. They need to be underneath your seat at all times.

Brianna: And toddlers need to be stored neatly in the overhead for the entirety of the flight.

Coleen: Whose dog is this? [pointing at a dog] Come here. [Coleen carries a dog] Whose dog are you?

Brianna: Oh! That’s the captain’s dog. [banging cockpit door] Captain. Panky’s out here.

Captain: What’s that?

Coleen: It’s Panky, your dog. He’s out here.

[Captain opens the door]

Captain: Panky, you’re a bad boy, aren’t ya? Ha-ha-ha. Thank you.

[Captain walks inside the cockpit with his dog]

Brianna: Sorry. Folks, that was our captain Piwi Riley. That’s his nickname.

Coleen: Yes. Because something on his body is giant and he’s ashamed of it. And that’s all we’re going to say about it.

Brianna: And that part of his body is his penis.

Coleen: Okay. So, now that you’ve met our captain, let us introduce ourselves. I’m Coleen.

Brianna: And I’m Brianna. In the back we have Maiv, and now she’s going to tell us a bit about the menu.

[Maiv walks in]

Maiv: We’ve got fingerling potatoes. We’ve got purple potatoes. And we got salmon. I’m sorry, I misread that. The salmon is also potato. Thank you.

[Maiv walks out]

Brianna: Okay, Maiv, get back to the back now.

[Cut to Kenan. He is holding a dog.]

Kenan: Um, excuse me. Will I make my connection to New York city? And also, here’s a strange dog that has jumped into my lap.

Brianna: And is he bothering you, sir?

Kenan: Not really. He’s kind of sweet.

Coleen: Aw, it sounds like you made a new friend.

Kenan: Yeah. So, am I to make that connection to New York? Or–

Brianna: You know what? Here comes the lady with orange sticks.

[Kate walks in with a dog]

Kate: Alright, the dog on the runway was the captain’s dog. I knew it was him by his soul and the information on his tags.

Coleen: Oh, that’s Mupes. Isn’t it?

Brianna: Oh, what a funny coincident? It was the Mupes, the captain’s dog on the runway. [banging cockpit door] Captain, Mupes back. Guess he was at the runway.

Captain: Who?

Coleen: Mupes, your dog.

[Captain opens the door]

Captain: Mupes? Wow!

Brianna: He was on the runway.

[many dogs run out of the cockpit door]

Captain: Oh! Oh my dogs! Did you see that? Oh my god! Did you see them run out?

Brianna: I will send them in now.

Coleen: Folks, as you can see, the captain’s dogs have run out of the cockpit.

Brianna: Folks, it’d be a great deal of help if you can grab a dog by the passage. We can just load them back into the cockpit.

Coleen: Oh look. Maiv’s got her fit loud.

Porn Pizza Delivery

Jasmine… Heidi Gardner

Delivery boy… Chance the Rapper

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Skank Babysitter 17 intro]

[Cut to Jasmine sitting on a couch]

Jasmine: The kid I’m babysitting is finally asleep. Now I can study for college. [doorbell ringing] Who could that be?

[Jasmine walks to the door and opens it. A pizza delivery guy walks in.]

Delivery boy: Pizza delivery. I got extra large sausage just for you.

Jasmine: For the 17th, I didn’t order any pizza.

Delivery boy: Well, I would hate for all this sausage to go to waste.

Jasmine: Oh, wait. I know somewhere we can put it.

Delivery boy: Oh, yeah?

Jasmine: Freak, yeah!

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Whoa! Ms. Jasmine, you ordered us a pizza? You’re the coolest babysitter ever.

Delivery boy: What?

Aidy: Wait a minute. We already ate dinner. Aren’t you full?

Jasmine: Yeah. But I want to be stuffed

Aidy: Whatever you say, Ms. Jasmine, I love pizza.

Delivery boy: It’s an extra, extra large. Almost nine inches.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak, yeah.

Aidy: Nine inches? That sounds more like personal pan to me. Is that really enough for both of us?

Jasmine: Don’t talk back. I’m in charge even though I’m only 19.

Aidy: What? I saw your driver’s license, you’re 39. Anyway, I’m gonna go get some plates. Be right back, Ms. Jasmine.

Jasmine: Um, come over here, pizza guy.

Delivery boy: Okay, so, what do you think about my pizza delivery?

Jasmine: It was good. You came so fast.

Delivery boy: Sorry about that. It’s been three days since I delivered a pizza.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak yeah.

[Aidy walks in again]

Aidy: Whoa! Are you staying to eat the pizza with us?

Delivery boy: Um, yeah.

Aidy: Oh, cool. Make yourself at home. I’m sorry, we only have this black heather couch and two fake plants and no rugs or TV or anything.

Delivery boy: That’s okay. I’ll do it anywhere they tell me.

Aidy: Oh, that’s the spirit. [Aidy opens the pizza box. The pizza has a hole in the middle.] Umm– whoa, wait a minute. There’s a hole in the middle of this pizza.

Delivery boy: That’s for the sausage.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Delivery boy: Freak yeah.

Aidy: Hold one. Ms. Jasmine, we’re getting ripped off. Don’t tip this guy.

Delivery boy: No, I give her the tip.

Aidy: Wait, you do? So, you bring us the pizza and we get a tip? Never mind, you guys are the best pizza place ever. That’s your pizza place called?

Delivery boy: [Looking at his shirt. There is no name, just ‘Pizza’.] Pizza.

Aidy: I know. But what’s the restaurant?

Delivery boy: Pizza.

Aidy: Whatever you say.

Jasmine: Did you bring me any dessert, big boy?

Delivery boy: I sure did. 100 pounds of chocolate. [pointing at himself]

Aidy: You brought chocolate too? Oh, you’re the best delivery guy ever.

Delivery boy: I’m not just a delivery guy. I’m also a masseuse, a bus driver and a step-son.

Aidy: Whoa, Ms. Jasmine’s a bus driver too.

Jasmine: I don’t drive. I just lay down in the back.

Aidy: Oh, wow. Well, that’s a job, sign me up. [doorbell ringing] Oh, it’s a door bell. I’ll get it.

[Aidy walks to the door and opens it. Three men walk in.]

Beck: Did someone call a plumber?

Alex: And a handy man.

Kyle: And order a package?

Aidy: Wow you guys are still on the clock this late? You work really hard.

Beck: So hard.

Alex: Super hard.

Kyle: And I’m just medium hard. But they can cut around it.

Aidy: Okay, well don’t mind me. I’ll just be here eating some pizza.

Jasmine: Oh, yeah.

Aidy: It’s really cold.

Family Feud- Harvey Family Thanksgiving

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Janelle… Leslie Jones

Mike… Chris Redd

Andre… Michael Che

Ricky Harvey

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Peter… Beck Bennett

Justin… Mikey Day

Cecil… Chance the Rapper

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Family Feud, thanks giving edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Okay, now, welcome to a special thanksgiving edition of Family Feud. Now, some folks like white meat. Some folks like dark meat. Let me tell you a secret. Everybody like dark meat. Now, thanksgiving is all about family. So, I got two special ones here today. First, it’s my own. It’s the Harvey family.

[Cut to the Harvey family]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah. These people are not only related to me, but they also work in Steve Harvey organization. First, we got my wife, Janelle who handles all my appearances. What else I got to do today, darling?

[Cut to Janelle]

Janelle: Well, after this, you got your daytime show. Then you got your radio show. Then you got your book signing at Red Lobster.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wow! Yeah. You like it when I’m busy. Big daddy getting that money. Ha-ha. Next, we’ve got my brother, Mike, who designs all my suits.

[Cut to Mike]

Mike: What’s up, Steve? I came up with a new suit color yesterday. It is palorange.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That’s gonna be a number one best seller. Plorange. Ha-ha-ha. I like that. Plorange. Next, we got my nephew Andre who writes jokes for me.

[Cut to Andre]

Andre: That’s right. I came up with the bit on ‘Little Big Shots’ where when a child says something you stare at him for 20 seconds like he’s a ghost.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you mean like this? [Steve Harvey looks at camera] Yeah, I love that bit, man. And finally, we got my cousin Ricky who runs my personal line of mustache conditioning products.

[Cut to Ricky Harvey]

Ricky Harvey: That’s right. It’s called the Greasy Caterpillar.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huge seller, man. Make you mustache dark and shiny like a slippery little penguin. And on the other side, we have got the Diedrichson family. [Cut to Diedrichson family. They are white] Now, we not blood related but these folks are like family to me. Carol Diedrichson has been on of my closest friends for over 30 years.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol: Yeah, that’s true. And I brought my wonderful family. You remember my husband Peter?

[cut to Peter]

Peter: Hey, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, good to see you, Peter.

Carol: My son, Justin.

[Cut to Justin]

Justin: Hey, Steve.

[cut to Carol]

Carol: And my other son, Cecil.

[Cut to Cecil. He is black. he has mustache like Steve Harvey, he looks like Steve Harvey and he speaks like Steve Harvey.]

Cecil: How you doing, player? [he speaks like Steve Harvey]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, hey there, Cecil. Wow. You sure have grown up since I last saw you.

[Cut to Cecil]

Cecil: Yeah, it has been a minute.

[Cut to Carol looking at Steve Harvey and Cecil]

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hm, there’s something about you.

[Cut to Janelle looking furious at Steve Harvey]

Janelle: Yeah, I say so.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know what? Why don’t we just start the game? Give me two players up here. Let’s play the feud.

[Janelle and Carol walk to the stage. Carol tries to shake her hand with Janelle but Janelle rejects.]

Janelle: No, thank you.

Steve Harvey: What? I thought you all was friends. Women are strange. Okay, 100 people surveyed. Top four answers on the board. Name something that you’re thankful for.

[Carol presses the button]

Carol: My home.

Steve Harvey: Oh, good answer. Good answer. You like your home, huh?

Carol: Oh, yes. We love it in Tempe.

Steve Harvey: Tempe, Arizona? Oh, I love Tempe. I spent some time on tour there about 17, 18 years ago.

Carol: Oh, I remember. It was raining.

Steve Harvey: Huh! Anyway, show me a place to do the nasty!

[right answer bell]

Ay! Number one answer. Alright, do y’all want to pass or play?

Carol: Well, I’m glad to play with you, Steve.

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, you were always like that.

Carol: Yeah.

[Steve Harvey peeks at Janelle. She is looking at him furiously.]

Alright, come on Diedrichson family. Something that you are thankful for. Peter? [Steve Harvey walks to Dierdrichson family]

Peter: Well, I hope this isn’t selfish, Steve, but I’m thankful for money. Not for me, but to provide for my family. Like, equipment for Justin’s street hockey team. Or buying pocket squares and super shiny shoes for Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Oh, you like shiny shoes, huh?

Cecil: Yeah. The shinier the better.

Steve Harvey: I hear you, man. I love me some gators. Show me, getting that money. [right answer bell] Alright, it’s up there. Okay, we got two left. Justin, something that you’re thankful for.

Justin: Oh, um, I gotta say my health. I’m the fastest one on my cross country team. But I’m not strong like Cecil.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, he is strong, ain’t he? He must have good genes.

Justin: Oh, yeah. Cecil’s always been big.He’s had a full mustache since age 11.

Cecil: And, I was the sexiest boy in the 6th grade.

Steve Harvey: Well, you and I are very similar. Show me, big and manly at an early age. [right answer bell] Oh, yes.

[Justin and Cecil do high-five]

Cecil: Half brother. All in.

Steve Harvey: Wait, wait. Hold up? Half brother? I thought you wasadopted.

Cecil: Oh, no, Steve. Mama had me before she got married 17 years ago.

Steve Harvey: 17 years? Okay. Now, I’m doing a math. That’s–

Steve Harvey and Cecil: Kind of freaky.

[Steve Harvey and Cecil look at each other awkwardly]

Steve Harvey: Oh my lord, help me. [sad music playing] [Steve Harvey walks to Carol] I did a bad thing. I did bad. I thought I was out. I thought I was all the way out.

Carol: No, Steve, there’s nothing you need to do, okay?

Peter: And what are we talking about?

Carol: Steve, Steve, look at me. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Steve Harvey: But, is he smart os is he like– [pointing at himself]

Carol: He’s so smart, Steve. So, smart. Go over. Say hi.

[Steve Harvey walks to Cecil]

Steve Harvey: Hey, there, little fellow. Do you mind if I play the feud with you? Tell me what you’r thankful for.

Cecil: Well, player, I’m thankful for family in whatever form it takes.

Steve Harvey: You damn right. Show me family. [right answer bell] Ay! There it is. The Diedrichson family win. Next up, we going to play the lightning round but I feel like I should just give them the money. We’ll be right back.

Janelle: Hold up. This ain’t no happy ending.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, we got a lot of stuff to talk about. We do.

Career Day

Mrs. Sellers… Aidy Bryant

Mrs. Tollerson… Cecily Strong

Matthew… Pete Davidson

Luke Null

Robby… Mikey Day

Scott… Chance the Rapper

Gary… Kenan Thompson

Bill… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Mrs. Sellers speaking to the class]

Mrs. Sellers: Well, I would say that there are more fun days than stressful days.

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Big hand for Matthew’s mom for telling us about her awesome job as a roller coaster designer for six flags.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, there is one last thing. Matthew, do you want to tell them?

Matthew: Um, my mom got the whole class annual passes to six flags.

Luke: Mrs. Sellers, you just made Matthew the coolest kid in school. Whoo!

[students are celebrating]

Mrs. Tollerson: Wow. Okay. This is a career week first. Roller coaster designing sounds very fun. Are they hiring?

Mrs. Sellers: Well, you need engineering degree.

[Mrs. Sellers walks away]

Mrs. Tollerson: No, that was a joke! Now, let’s bring up Scott and Robby to introduce their dads who are business partners. A double presentation, how fun.

[Robby and Scott walk to the front]

Robby: Well, um, Matthew’s mom is a tough act to follow. Roller coaster designer is very sweet. But I think our dads are up to the challenge. They are general contractors.

Scott: Trust me. It’s a lot cooler than it sounds. So, give it up for our dads, Bill and Gary.

Robby: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott take their seats. Gary and Bill walk to the front.]

Gary: Hello.

Bill: Good morning. Thanks. Gary and I started a company in 1996 called Petrol Works LLC.

Robby: Aw, such a dope name? Right? Petrol Works!

Bill: And we specialize in below ground construction of fuel tanks and flow piping for gas stations.

Scott: Yeap! This is happening.

Robby: Yeah. Pretty cool, right guys?

Gary: So, I guess we’ll kind of just take you through the process from the bid to the construction phase. First, we get contacted by a client such as Chevron.

Scott: Did you say Chevron? I think I speak for the entire class when I say, “Matthew’s mom, you suck!”

Gary: Hey, Scott! Alright. Other clients include Mobil, Exxon and Shell.

Robby: Wait! Mobil, Exxon and Shell? I mean, raise your hand if you just got so excited you blew your butt hole out.

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie? Language. And boys, I’m glad you are excited, but please let your dads talk.

Bill: Alright. So, when a client wants to build a new service station, we put together a bid, i.e., how much it will cost to build the fuel system.

Robby: Oh my god, I need some water. This is so dope. So dope.

Bill: Some jobs are more complicated than others. We had a job last year where the gas station was built on a hill.

[Robby sprays the water in his mouth on Melissa’s face]

Robby: A hill? That’s so bad ass!

Melissa: Gross!

Bill: Robbie, what are you doing? Knock it off, son!

Gary: And fun fact, petrol works is the first GV firm to use solar powered flow valve switches.

Scott: Solar powered flow valve switches? Status of my jeans, please? Scanning jeans. Your jeans are creamed.

Gary: Hey, stop that porno movie talk stuff now. Alright. Let’s continue, Bill.

Bill: Alright. A big also consists of a field survey, which is my favorite part because it gets us out of the office.

Robby: Ha-ha. And that cool joke makes it official, I want to bang my dad.

Bill: What the hell did you just say, Robbie?

Scott: Sorry, sir, your job is just so cool, you’re making the entire class horny.

Gary: Hey! I don’t know why you going so crazy for our job, but stop it with the weird stuff. What is next, Bill?

Bill: Um, we wanted to show you all a picture from the construction process. This is from a Mobil station job in the North Fullerton.

[Gary holds a picture of the pipe work]

Scott: Oh my god.

Robby: That is the dopest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Oh, I need to lie down. I’m gonna be faint. Oh my god, it’s just too dope, the pipes!

[Robby falls on classroom’s table and breaks it]

Mrs. Tollerson: Robbie?

Bill: Oh, come on, Robby, what the hell are you doing? Get up.

Gary: Hey, Scott Douglas, put your clothes back on right now!

[Scott is only wearing is underwear]

Scott: I can’t. I got so hot. It’s too dope. It’s too dope, dad.

Gary: Okay, Mrs. Tollerson, can I do the honors?

Mrs. Tollerson: Sure, Gary.

Gary: Alright, Robby, Scott, principal’s office right now! Go on.

Bill: Yeah.

[Robby and Scott walk out]

Robby: So dope.

Mrs. Tollerson: Okay, well, thank you Bill and Gary for speaking to us today. Boy, I wish my teaching got kids that excited.

Mrs. Sellers: Well, maybe you’re not just a good teacher.

Mrs. Tollerson: What’s your problem with me?

The Last Black Unicorn

Maureen… Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Beck Bennett

Black Unicorn… Tiffany Haddish

Old Black Unicorn… Leslie Jones

[Starts with a opening of the book ‘The Last Black Unicorn’]

Male voice: Once upon a time, the world was filled with magical creatures. The noblest among them were the black unicorns who possessed the ability to see through time. But now, with magic having all but left our world, only one remains.

[Cut to Maureen, Melissa and Beck looking around in the magical world]

Maureen: So, according to this map, this is the home of the last black unicorn.

Melissa: Oh, come on, Maureen. No one believes in unicorns anymore.

Beck: Yeah, Maureen, don’t be so naive.

[Black Unicorn runs out making horse noises]

Beck: Whoa! She is real!

Maureen: I told you.

Black Unicorn: I’m the last black unicorn. And with my magical horn, I can unveil the mysteries of the future.

Melissa: Whoa. You can see the future?

Black Unicorn: Hmm. [horse noises]

Beck: Mrs. Black Unicorn, I got to know. Will me and my girl stay together forever? [referring to Beck and Melissa]

Black Unicorn: Hmm, yes. I can see that the two of you will marry and live a long and happy life together.

Beck: Heck, yeah, babe. I friggin love you.

Maureen: Wow, what about me? Will I ever find true love?

Black Unicorn: Umm. Yes. I see you marrying the love of your life many years from now.

Maureen: Yes! I knew it.

Black Unicorn: I see you walking down the aisle. Your mother is crying. Your father is beaming. And all five of your children are there with their five different fathers.

Maureen: Wait. I’m sorry. I have five kids before I’m even married?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, girl. I mean, when you get to college, you start throwing down.

Maureen: Oh, really?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, girl. For few years, you are just conceiving and birthing and back to back and back to back. I mean, if you ain’t getting it in, you getting it out, if you know what I mean.

Beck: Oh, gross.

Maureen: Well, what about dads? Are they at least good fathers?

Black Unicorn: Oh, absolutely they are not. One of them is actually a red headed white guy with dread locks that look like Cheetos.

Maureen: God! That sounds terrible.

Melissa: Well, what about us? Will we ever have kids?

Black Unicorn: Um, yes. In your future, I see two wonderful children. Your daughter is a talented musician and your son is a gifted painter. [To Maureen] And your son, well, he also is involved with paint. Um-hmm.

Maureen: Well, how so?

Black Unicorn: He’s huffing it.

Maureen: So my son does drugs?

Black Unicorn: Yes. But on the bright side, your daughter sells drugs.

Maureen: Oh my god! Do all my kids have drug problems?

Black Unicorn: No. Actually one of your sons is sober. But he is like, the worst.

Maureen: How?

Black Unicorn: Well, he is just always mad. He’s like that really angry white kid you graduate with who joins the army and you are like, “Good luck, army.”

Beck: Man, your son sucks.

[Another black unicorn walks out]

Old Black Unicorn: Whoa, whoa. Now, why are you telling this little girl all these horrible things?

Beck: Hey, I thought you said you were the last black unicorn.

Black Unicorn: Well, she’s older than me.

Old Black Unicorn: Little girl, look, life is always going to have it’s struggles. But I can see there is still plenty of good in your future.

Maureen: Like, what kind of good?

Old Black Unicorn: Well, for example, I see you living in a beautiful apartment.

Black Unicorn: Yeah, because your house gets foreclosed on.

Old Black Unicorn: Okay, yeah. But you also get to travel the country.

Black Unicorn: On the run from FBI with your drug lord daughter.

Maureen: You know, I don’t really need to hear anymore.

Old Black Unicorn: Wait, wait. hang on. What if I told you that in the end of you retire to a secluded island?

Black Unicorn: Yeah, rikers.

Maureen: My life sucks.

Old Black Unicorn: Look, life is what you make it. If you say it sucks, it will.

Maureen: Okay. So, what you’re saying is that if I’m just true to myself, I might be able to escape my terrible destiny?

Old Black Unicorn: Oh, no. All that stuff is still going to happen. You just need to stop whining about it.

Black Unicorn: Yeah. And I didn’t even told you half the stuff. How much time you got? [horse noises]

The Dolphin Who Learned to Speak

Dr Jean Frye… Kate McKinnon

Dr. Mary Hartman… Aidy Bryant

Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with BBC video bumper]

Female voice: And now we return to our feature presentation, the dolphin who learned to speak.

[Cut to the video documentary]

Male voice: In the 1960s, there was a ground swell of scientific research into the minds of animals. The Mammal Cognition Lab was primarily focused on Dolphin communication.

[Cut to Dr Jean Frye and Dr. Mary Hartman]

Dr Jean Frye narrating: We were a two woman team eager to prove ourselves in the male dominated field of science.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: Our objective was simple. Can dolphins acquire human language? What if a dolphin could speak?

[Cut to old video clip of Dr. Mary Hartman recording dolphin’s voice]

Dr. Mary Hartman: May 7th, 1965.

Dr Jean Frye narrating: Our specimen was a 15 year old male named Gerald. He was very smart. Very strong willed.

[Cut to old video of Dr. Mary Hartman teaching a dolphin to talk]

Dr. Mary Hartman: A. See my mouth. A. [dolphin sound] Gerald.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: But as Gerald reached breeding age, he became less focused. Agitated. His natural drive was distracting him from our work.

Dr Jean Frye narrating: You know, when a dolphin reaches sexual maturity, there is no stopping them. And then one day, I was in the water with Gerald when he got that glassy look in his eye that meant he was having an urge, so to speak. And so, I turned to Mary and I said, “Why don’t I just yank him off real quick?” Just like that. It just came out.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: At first I wasn’t sure it was ethical but we had to, for the science. So, I did it.

Dr Jean Frye narrating: So, I did it. Right away, he was clear as a bell and we were able to quickly get back to our work.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: Yes. And so it became part of our routine. We would work a while, yank a while, work a while, yank a while. And then, a tug or two and then teach a dolphin to speak.

Male voice: Their methods were unorthodox and their colleagues in other parts of the lab began to take notice.

Tiffany narrating: I was on the echo location unit across the hall. We knew what they were doing in there. I wrote about it in my field notes. April 21st. 1965. “No, no, no. That’s nasty! All of you are nasty, sick people, yanking off that fish. Hell no!”

Dr Jean Frye narrating: For a while, the progress was astounding. He learned the alphabets. We were about to teach him sign language.
Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: Yes, but soon he started to regress. Really, only doing a few signs. The signs for ‘hand’, and ‘now’, and ‘who gonna J me O’.

Tiffany narrating: I’m pretty sure Gerald was talking to the other dolphins and tell them, “Hey, you don’t have to work for fish. They will do other things.”

Dr Jean Frye narrating: Well, eventually, the hand sessions took up most of the time.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: Almost seven to eight hours of the day. Later, I suggested a way of working as a team. So, to speed up the process.

Dr Jean Frye narrating: When she was the hand, I would wait outside the door. I would count to 20 and I would bust in and I would say, “Who’s doing nasty things in here? Bad Gerald!” Gerald really liked shame.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: And this was good, of course for the science.

Male voice: But after 10 years of work with Gerald, he was approved for a well deserved retirement from the research lab.

Dr. Mary Hartman narrating: It was hard to say goodbye to Gerald, physically, because he was frantically trying to turn into a sex thing. Eventually, they cleared Gerald for release into the wild. But boy, do I still think of him fondly.

Get Woke with Tamika

Tamika… Leslie Jones

Megan Grey… Aidy Bryant

Bianca Twerks… Tiffany Haddish

[Starts with Tamika sitting on a TV show set]

Male voice: And now it’s time to Get Woke With Tamika. With your host, Tamika.

Tamika: Hello and welcome to Get Woke With Tamika. I’m your host, Tamika. And y’all about to get woke… with Tamika. I’m Tamika. First topic, discrimination. It’s wrong. Decond topic, progress. It’s right. Third topic, ‘House of cards.’ I liked it. And that was the topics.

Okay, let’s bring out our first guest. My producers tell me that she’s an author and an activist. Please welcome Megan Gray.

[Megan Grey walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Megan Grey: Thank you so much for having me, Tamika.

Tamika: Now, my producers tell me that you are here to promote white woman’s protest? What’s that about?

Megan Grey: Well, actually, it’s just a women’s rights protest.

Tamika: So, you’re protesting black women’s rights too?

Megan Grey: No, we’re not protesting women’s rights at all. We’re protesting for women’s rights.

Tamika: Okay, coz I was about to say, “Take that nonsense to another show coz that’s not woke.”

Megan Grey: the protest is just an opportunity for all women to unite and be strong together.

Tamika: Oh. Then just say that. That’s very woke. Why you messed that up? That’s why I got so mad.

Megan Grey: Oh. I’m sorry. I guess I got a little nervous. It’s a scary time for women in this country.

Tamika: Scary? Shoot. Maybe for you but Tamika is not scared of anything except for god and fried fish that still got the head and the eyes in it. Don’t look at me while I’m eating you, fish!

Megan Grey: Okay. Again, I wasn’t implying that you would ever–

Tamika: Let’s just move on to our sponsors, okay, coz you frustrating me. Today, “Get Woke With Tamika” is brought to you by Breitbart news. Your one stop shop for all news. Breitbart news, we’re great!

Megan Grey: Is this show seriously sponsored by Breitbart?

Tamika: Yes. They like that I’m not afraid to hit both sides. Let’s bring out the second guest. This girl– [her earring falls] Oh, producers. [she puts it back on] Let’s bring our second guest. This girl needs no introduction, please welcome her. Oh, my producers are telling me that she actually does in fact need an introduction. She has the butt that I’m currently working towards. Please, welcome Instagram model Bianca Twerks.

[Bianca Twerks walks in]

Bianca Twerks: Hey, everybody.

Megan Grey: Should I get another chair or just–

Tamika: Let me check with my producers. Um, we gonna need another chair. So, you don’t have any more chairs? Well, if she stands then for the rest of the show? Okay, I’ll ask her. Um, Megan, do you mind standing up for the rest of the show?

Megan Grey: [looking around] Um, I guess not.

Tamika: She says she don’t mind. Okay. That makes sense. Okay. I’ll tell her. [to Megan Grey] Megan, we just want you to leave.

Megan Grey: What? Okay.

[Megan Grey leaves]

Tamika: And while she’s doing that, let’s thank another one of our sponsors. “Get Woke With Tamika” is also brought to you by Russia. Your one stop shop for news. Russia, we’ll keep the light on for you.

Now, Bianca, when did you decide to become an Instagram butt model?

Bianca Twerks: Um, I’m not a model anymore. I review movies. I changed my name to Bianca’s reviews.

Tamika: Well, you just wasting your butt.

Bianca Twerks: The first movie I’ll reviewing is “Geostorm.”

Tamika: “Geostorm?” That car sucks! I used to drive one until my current husband cut the brakes.

Bianca Twerks: It’s not about the car. It’s about climate control and man-made hurricanes. You know that can really happen, right?

Tamika: No, it can’t. Everybody knows that hurricanes is just god yelling at his wife. I can’t take all these Hollywood lies. The last movie I liked was “Moonlight.” And I loved it coz it was so woke.

Bianca Twerks: Oh, I loved “Moonlight” too. The story of a young black man exploring his homosexuality in the inner city.

Tamika: His what?

Bianca Twerks: Homosexuality. The main character was gay, girl.

Tamika: What the hell was you watching? “Moonlinght” is a movie about a group of black people in tuxedos taking trophies away from a group of white people in tuxedos. It was hilarious.

Bianca Twerks: Oh, no. You are talking about the Oscars. I’m talking about the actual movie.

Tamika: I want to argue with you about this but I’m getting frustrated again. That’s all the time we have. Tune in next week. [listening to the producer] What? We can’t end the show yet? Well, how long does a talk show usually– How long have be ween going? Four minutes? What am I supposed to do? Can’t we just roll the credits to fill in time? Okay, okay. Cool.

Male voice: “Get Woke With Tamika” was written, produced and created by Tamika.

Tamika: [talking to her producer] So, how long was that? Oh, no!

Press Converence

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Keith… Beck Bennett

Barbara… Cecily Strong

Katie… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Sarah Huckabee Sanders walking to the press conference podium]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good morning, guys. Halloween’s over but I see some of you guys are still in your journalist costumes I thought you would love that one. So, um, in a minute, I’m gonna tell you guys a six-minute riddle about taxes. But first, I’m going to take some questions. So, yeah, Keith.

[Cut to Keith]

Keith: Sarah, you’ve continually denied any connection between the Trump campaign and the interference by the Russian government.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Wow, y’all are obsessed with this. It’s freaking lame.

[Cut to split screen with Keith and Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Keith: However, Sarah, in light of indictments handed down this week. What I want to know is how you can continue to stand here day after day and maintain there is no connection to the president?

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well–

[Cut to the music video.]

[music playing]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] It’s time for me to take it
I’m the boss right now
I’m not going to fake it
not when you go down
Coz this is my game
and you better come to play

Uh-uh-uh

What’s wrong with being
What’s wrong with being
What’s wrong with being confident?
Oh-ho-ho

[Cut to reality]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Look, this has nothing to do with the White House. Okay? An we barely knew these guys. They were like interns or volunteers or carnies just making their way through town. One night only.

[Cut to Keith]

Keith: are you actually comparing the campaign manager to a Carnie passing through town?

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Um, that’s gonna be a hell yeah from me, Keith. And I guess I would just add suck my–

[Cut to the music video]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] I used to hold the freak back
now I’m letting you go
I made my own choice
bitch I run this show
You can call them lies
but you can’t make me behave

[Cut back to reality. The journalists are raising hands for questions.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Barbara.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Sarah, this week John Kelly said that the civil war could have been avoided through compromise.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Look, history is a bottle of moments that is filled with time and horses and invention of the telephone, okay? But, if you don’t like that, you gotta take it up with father time, alright? Bruce.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: There’s no Bruce here. Can you at least acknowledge how offensive those comments are to some people?

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: No.

Barbara: No?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: No

Barbara: Yeah, I got it.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [mocking] Nooo!

[Cut to the music video]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] You say that I’m a puppet
that I must be out of my mind
all you media can stuff it
stuff it, stuff it

[Cut to reality]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Katie, come on. Give me a fun one.

[Cut to Katie]

Katie: No. Obviously, sexual harassment has been in the news. So, is the official White House position that the sixteen women that have accused the president?

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, hang on, now. Coz it’s riddle time, y’all. And this is gonna help you understand the new tax plan, alright? Ten people have a bar tab of $100, right?

[Cut to the music video]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] What’s wrong with being
what’s wrong with being–

[Cut to reality]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: But the 8th man is a Polak. Okay? So, he’s dumb as a box of rocks.

[Cut to the music video]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] What’s wrong with being

[Cut to reality]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Milk. Milk. Lemonade. Round the back. That’s where the fudge is made.

[Cut to the music video]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] What’s wrong with being

[Cut to reality]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: And you end up at the McNugget. And that’s taxes.

[Cut to the music video]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing] What’s wrong with being
what’s wrong with being
what’s wrong with being confident

[Cut to reality]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: [singing badly] Waaa! Alright.

[Cut to Alex]

Alex: Are you singing Demi Lovato song?

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hello, no. [winks]

Office Halloween Party

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Ray Shawn… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Greg… Beck Bennett

Charles… Kumail Nanjiani

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in office Halloween party. They are all wearing different costumes and are dancing to the music.]

[the music ends and they stop dancing]

Sarah: We just did the entire ‘Thriller’ dance.

Leslie: That was hot. Let’s do it again.

Ray Shawn: Alright. Who wants some non-alcoholic punch?

Kyle: Why do you have to call it non-alcoholic punch every time?

Ray Shawn: Coz I don’t want people to get excited about nothing.

Kyle: Ah! Cool point, Ray Shawn.

[phone ringing]

Cecily: Oh, I got it. [speaking on the phone] Hello. You guys, it’s Gregg. [Cut to split screen with Greg and Cecily] Hey, how’s the conference going, boss?

Greg: Very useful. I’m excited to share the info. Hey, could you put everyone on phone? I want to talk to the gang.

[Cut to everyone in the office party]

Cecily: Oh, yeah. [to everyone] Greg wants me to put him on phone.

Leslie: Of course he does. He loves a party.

Cecily: Okay, Greg, you’re on.

Greg: Hey, everyone. It’s Greg. Sorry, I had to miss the party.

Charles: How’s Miami?

Greg: How was that?

Charles: Miami, how is it?

Greg: Is this Charles?

Charles: No. This is Groot. [he is wearing Groot costume]

[everyone laughing]

Greg: I’m sorry, who did you say it was?

Charles: I am groot.

Greg: Who? Mr. who? I’m having a hard time hearing.

Cecily: Get closer to the speaker. He will love that you said you are Groot.

Charles: I am Groot. I am Groot. You know? The tree guy?

Greg: Oh, I see. Am, listen guys, I’m just getting some lab results back here.

Kyle: TMI, Greg!

Greg: What was that?

Kyle: Sorry, Greg, go ahead.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Yeah. This is very uncomfortable and I hate doing this over the phone, but I was told I need to relay this information asap.

[Cut to everybody in the office listening silently]

[Cut to Greg]

Did I lose you? Is everyone still there?

[Cut to everybody in the office]

Leslie: Yeah. Go ahead, Greg.

Greg: Yeah. It seems I somehow got hepatitis A and because I made that Halloween cake for you guys–

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Greg: Well, um, I didn’t know this, but apparently you can get it from someone making your food. So, I hope you didn’t eat the Halloween cake I made you.

Ray Shawn: Oh, Greg! That cake is gone.

Charles: Yeah, Greg. I think we all ate the cake.

Greg: I’m sorry, what was that?

Ray Shawn: The cake you’re talking about, Greg, we all had a piece.

Greg: Okay. So everyone had a piece of the cake I made?

Charles: Yeah, Greg. But I thought this kind of thing only happen to people with dirty kitchens.

Ray Shawn: Or people who, like, don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom and then make a cake.

Greg: Yeah. Well, those are a couple of possibilities. What is important is that you all have the information now.

Sarah: Actually, Greg, i didn’t have any of the cake. Does that mean that I’m okay?

Greg: Was that Yolanda?

Sarah: No. It’s Sarah.

Greg: Oh, Sarah. How areyou.

Sarah: Worried, Greg.

Greg: What was that?

Sarah: Well, I’m concerned. I didn’t eat any of the cake. Am I okay?

Greg: Oh, good! But unfortunately, I drank from your water bottle.

Sarah: Why, Greg?

Greg: Well, you said it was one of those fancy ones that kept drinks cold for seven hours. So, I wanted to see.

Sarah: Oh, Greg. What an inconvenience for me and my family.

Greg: Ah, I’m sorry, Sarah. Sorry everyone. But we can’t point fingers, right? The only productive thing to do now is to go to your GP and get the lab work done. But let’s try not to all go on the same day. Also, going forward, please wash your hands before handling food, okay?

Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks, Greg! For the hot tip.

Greg: Well, enjoy the rest of the party. I sure wish I could be there.

Charles: Okay, Greg. Well, you have certainly given us a lot to think about. And ultimately, we are glad you called. I’d like to think that this has brought us closer together as a company.

Greg: Alright, everybody. I really have to go.

Cecily: Okay. Bye, Greg. We will get tsted as you recommend and circle back with the results.

Greg: Yeah. That’s perfect.

[Cecily hangs up the phone]

Melissa: So, guys, should we do the ‘Thriller’ dance again?

[Ray Shawn is still eating the cake]

Kyle: [looking at Ray Shawn] What are you doing, man?

Ray Shawn: What? It’s a good cake!

Film Panel

Karen Domineau… Aidy Bryant

Viola Davis… Leslie Jones

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with New York Film Festival intro video]

[Cut to the set]

Karen Domineau: Hello and welcome to the 2017 New York Film Festival actress round table. Tonight, our topic is sexual harassment in Hollywood. First, we have Oscar winning actress and Harvard’s 2017 artist of the year, Viola Davis.

[Cut to Viola Davis]

Viola Davis: Happy to be here. Well, not happy, but you know, I’m here.

[Cut to Karen Domineau]

Karen Domineau: Next, another Oscar winner, Marion Cotillard.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: I’m tiny, French and pissed off.

[Cut to Karen Domineau]

Karen Domineau: And joining us again is Hollywood legend, and winner of the Humphrey Bogard good sport award, the incomparable Debette Goldry.

[Cut to Debette Goldry]

Debette Goldry: Oh, wow! What a beautiful hospital this is.

[Cut to everybody]

Karen Domineau: Well, let’s begin with the elephant in the room. In light of the news about Harvey Weinstein, have you ever experienced sexual harassment in Hollywood?

Marion Cotillard: Of course, yes.

Viola Davis: Yes, absolutely.

Debette Goldry: Oh, have I ever been sexually harassed, good Friday, where do you want me to start? A woman being harassed is Hollywood, right? Everything old is new again. Producers are abusing starlets. There is Nazis marching in the street. And suddenly, nude pantyhose are on trend. I have never felt more at home. When’s polio coming back? That’s going to be fun.

Karen Domineau: Now, just hours ago, it was announced that Weinstein was kicked out of the Motion Picture Academy. Did any of you have personal run-ins with Weinstein or other producers?

Marion Cotillard: Um, one time, a producer asked me if I was comfortable with nudity. But it turns out he meant his own.

Viola Davis: One time, a producer asked me for a massage. When I refused he threw 10 or 12 phones at me. Then I realized he was trying to knock my shirt off.

Debette Goldry: I actually did have one meeting with Harvey, okay? I was invited to his hotel room. And when I arrived, he was naked hanging upside down from at that monkey bar. He tried to trick me into thinking his genitals were actually his face. It almost worked. The resemblance is uncanny.

Karen Domineau: Why is it that you think this keeps happening?

Viola Davis: The problem is the culture. There’s no accountability.

Marion Cotillard: Yes. I think men either don’t see it, or they choose not to see it.

Debette Goldry: Yeah. Of course, men cover up for other men. It’s a real you scratch my back, I’ll keep mum about the girl you drowned at your pool party situation.

Karen Domineau: Now, many actresses have commented that there is a whisper system to warn each other about potentially threatening men. Does that ring true to you?

Marion Cotillard: Yes, it’s horrible, but yes it’s true.

Debette Goldry: Yeah, yeah. Back then, we had a secret code among us actresses to warn each other about creeps. The code was ‘Her raped me’. That way, if any men were listening, they would tune us right out. Easy peasy.

Karen Domineau: Did you ever feel like you could go to your male co-stars for help?

Debette Goldry: Hmm. Well, you know, I remember I was doing two days of voiceover work on Alfred Hitchcock’s, “The Birds.” Because originally, the birds were going to be funny and talk. Anyway, Hitchcock comes in the booth, puts his whole fist in my mouth. In his defense, I was very blonde at the time. So, I turned to Rod Taylor. I was like, “Help me out.” And he shook his head and he was like if I can’t save Tippi Head Ron from having her head attacked by real birds, I’m sure as hell not saving you.

Karen Domineau: What do you think keeps women from speaking up?

Viola Davis: Women who speak up get called crazy. It seems like more people believe the moon landing was fake than believe woman.

Debette Goldry: Well, Violin Daveed, I’d hate to break it to you but the moon landing was faked. I was in the cast. I was Buzz Aldrin standing. We had the same waist size. That was a fun set.

Karen Domineau: Is it reassuring that men are starting to speak out in support of their female co-stars?

Marion Cotillard: Yes, you know, but I hate this, “Oh, I’m upset because I’m a father of a daughter.” You know what? You should be upset because you’re a human being.

Debette Goldry: Yeah. You’re right, Macaroni Capa Cabana. Having a lady in the family doesn’t make you some kind of a hero. I mean, even Hitler had a sister. Her name was Paula Hitler. Shy girl. She got outshone at home. I have a daughter too. At least that’s what the nuns told me before they snatched her away. Gosh, those nuns are fast.

Karen Domineau: And where do we go from here?

Debette Goldry: May I speak. Violence against women, it didn’t just happen. This is everywhere. Dammit! It’s about time we take it seriously. My Pandora’s box is open now. And Pandora’s pissed. Who’s with me?

[no one raises their hand]

No. I’m asking, who are these people? [pointing at Viola Davis and Marion Cotillard] I blacked out. Are these the angels? Is it my time?

Karen Domineau: Well, that’s all the time we have for today.

Debette Goldry: I’ve been to the moon, you know?