Tag: Alec Baldwin

Beyoncé’s Babies

Dr. Waxler… Alec Baldwin

Beyoncé… Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Babies… Kenan Thompson, Tracy Morgan

[Cut to a doctor confronting Beyoncé.]

Dr. Waxler: Let me just say, what an honor it is to be selected to deliver your twins. I’m Dr. Waxler and you of course are Beyoncé.

Beyoncé: Thank you.

Dr. Waxler: Um, can be honest? This is a big break for me. I haven’t hat a hit baby since Suri Cruise. Now, did our staff go over the birthing procedure?

Beyoncé: Yes, but I don’t need anything special.

Dr. Waxler: Of course. It’s all standard when the birthing commences, you won’t feel any pain. We have hired thsi woman to feel the pain for you.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: It is an honor.

[Aidy walks out]

Dr. Waxler: These babies are going to be beautiful. Now, let’s take a look inside your womb.

[Dr. Waxler starts using ultrasound scanning Beyoncé’s womb]

[Cut to inside Beyoncé’s womb. Tracy and Kenan are sitting on a couch wearing diapers. They have jewelry on their necks.]

Tracy: Damn, it is so nice in here.

Kenan: Yeah. It’s warm and cozy. I feel safe.

Tracy: It’s so spacious. There’s a recording studio in here. This place is special.

Kenan: Well, how do you know? You ain’t ever been anywhere else.

Tracy: I don’t know. I just feel like we’re different from other babies.

Kenan: Yeah, we different. You know who our mom is?

Tracy: No. But I think she’s important. When people meet her, they scream. So she is either a beautiful queen or a goblin.

Kenan: Yo, our mom is Beyoncé, man!

Tracy: Who’s that?

Kenan: Wow! I don’t even breathe yet and I know who Beyoncé is. Yo, she is the Queen Bee.

Tracy: Oh, yeah!

Kenan: Oh, she’s drinking some lemonade.

Tracy and Kenan: Yeah! Ha-ha-ha.

Kenan: Yo, I gotta get out of here. Come on, let me out. [starts kicking everywhere]

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Beyoncé: Oh! Do you feel that?

Dr. Waxler: Oh, that one’s strong.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Tracy: Let me try that. Let me try that. [starts kicking everywhere]

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: [feeling the kick] Now, that one is not an athlete but he will be hilarious.

Beyoncé: Are they okay?

Dr. Waxler: Oh, yes. Your babies are both healthy. it might be too early to tell, but I think these babies came to slay.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Kenan: I just feel like I’m more like my dad’s kid. You know? Hard.

Tracy: Yeah. I’m definitely my mom’s kid because I am pure sex. I’m gonna be the first person ever who’s gonna get somebody pregnant while they’re inside somebody pregnant.

I’m old school. I don’t pull out. What do you think your name’s gonna be?

Kenan: You know, I thought a lot about it. Probably Jade Rain.

Tracy: I think I’m gonna be something class like Lord Burbury.

Kenan: Either way, our life is going to be dope, man.

Tracy and Kenan: [hooting] Our mama! Our mama! Our mama!

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: Wow, they really are active. Do you wanna see a picture?

Beyoncé: Absolutely.

Dr. Waxler: Here they are.

[Cut to the computer screen. There are two babies babies with the heads of Kenan Thompson and Tracy Morgan.]

Beyoncé: They’re exactly what I hoped.

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Kenan: Yo! Let me out! I’m coming!

Tracy: Yo, chill, man! Don’t be in such a rush to leave. It will be another 16 years before I’m in something like this.

Kenan: You know, I just don’t wanna make my mama mad, man. She’s having a hard enough time carrying us as it is.

Tracy: Oh, no. She is not. I heard she carried two full grown ladies for ten years named Michelle and Kelly.

Kenan: Oh! Burn!

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: Oh, I just lost the picture. It appears the babies are throwing some major shade in there.

Beyoncé: It’s alright, doctor. I got this.

[singing] I got my babies so sleepy right now,
my boys I got my babies so sleepy right now

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan]

Tracy: Damn! I’m getting sleepy right now.

Kenan: [acting sleepy] Yo, we gotta perk up. Why are you letting her do this to us?

Tracy: I can’t help it, dog! It’s too lovely. Our mother is a singular talent. Night-night.

Kenan: Yeah. [yawning] She got me too. Night-night.

[Cut to Dr. Waxler and Beyoncé]

Dr. Waxler: They finally calmed down. That song was wonderfully soothing. Can I hear it again.

Beyoncé: Oh, absolutely. Here’s the remix.

[Beyoncé takes her phone and plays the song]

[Cut to Tracy and Kenan jumping and partying]

Tracy: Damn, this is hot!

Kenan: We partying all night!

[The End]

Alec Baldwin’s 17th Time Monologue

Alec Baldwin

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Alec Baldwin.

[Alec Baldwin walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Alec Baldwin: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I know you’ve seen a lot of me this season, but tonight I’m hosting and this is my 17th time. Thank you. [cheers and applause] That’s an achievement that only comes if you are a comedy icon like Steve Martin or an enduring character/actor like John Goodman, or if you were lucky enough to be in the car in 1987 when Lorne Michaels ran over a man selling oranges on this side of the highway. But I’m pround to say, 17 is the all-time record.

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete: Yeah, nice job, man.

Alec Baldwin: Pete Davidson, everybody! Pete Davidson.

Pete: Congratulations, Alec.

Alec Baldwin: What’s up, Pete?

Pete: That’s an incredible run, man. And it will probably never be topped. I just wanted to come out here and just learn from the best.

Alec Baldwin: Okay, Pete. Thanks. It has been a long journey. The first time I hosted was April 21st, 1990. Here’s me doing my first monologue. [Cut to a picture Alec Baldwin’s first monologue]

Pete: Oh, wow! That’s unbelievable, dude! [Cut to Alec Baldwin and Pete Davidson]

Alec Baldwin: Thank you, Pete.

Pete: No, seriously, I can’t believe that’s you. I mean, you were so handsome. Did everyone look like that back then? Like a young NBA coach?

Alec Baldwin: Ah! No. Not everyone.

Pete: Dude, you were so hot, like, you should have been in movies.

Alec Baldwin: I did do movies.

Pete: Really?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah. I still do them. I’ve got a new movie coming out called, “The Boss Baby.”

Pete: Oh, that’s animation. So, they can’t see you. Very smart.

Alec Baldwin: Pete Davidson, everybody. Thank you. [pushing Pete Davidson away] No, no, look, but I don’t blame you for not knowing about me, Pete. I’m not sure what you were up to the first time I hosted.

Pete: Back in 1990?

Alec Baldwin: Yeah.

Pete: Um, I think I was waiting 3 and half years to be born.

Alec Baldwin: Okay. Let’s keep going. Here is me back in 1996, on the Joe Pesci show. I played Robert De Niro and people still ask me to do that impression.

Pete: You were pretty handsome back then too, bro.

Alec Baldwin: Well, thank you.

Pete: Were you like, so mad when you just stopped looking like that?

Alec Baldwin: Well, at least I got look like that once instead of spending my youth looking like Steve Buscemi’s lesbian sister.

Pete: Yeah, laugh it up. Laugh it up, everyone. I don’t even know who Steve Buscemi is.

Alec Baldwin: Okay, let’s keep going. In 1998, I was Pete Schweddy. Thank you. [cheers and applause] On the delicious dish selling Schweddy balls on the radio on NPR. It was a very popular sketch

Pete: Um, what’s a radio show? Was that like a podcast?

Alec Baldwin: Kind of, Pete. Kind of. Are you really young or just kind of stupid?

Pete: Neither. I’m just like, mad high, bro.

Alec Baldwin: Okay. Let’s keep going. You know what was crazy about that show in 1998? I did a monologue with a young Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy played the ghost of SNL future. Let’s take a look.

[cut to the video clip of young Jimmi Fallon and Alect Baldwin]

Jimmy Fallon: Apparently, I become a huge star in the future. And I host the show in the year 2011. Come see.

[Cut to Alec Baldwin and Pete Davidson]

Alec Baldwin: And guess what? He hosts exactly 13 years later. Isn’t that amazing? Jimmy of course looks much, much younger back then, doesn’t he, Pete?

Pete: Yeah. But like, I can still recognize him today. You know what I mean? But you, it’s like someone soaked you in water for the past 20 years.

Alec Baldwin: Pete Davidson, everybody. Thank you Pete. [pushing Pete Davidson away again]

Pete: Wait, wait, wait. At what point, when you get older does your whole head like, expands? Does that happen to everyone? Is that going to happen to me?

Alec Baldwin: Yes, Pete. And along the way, if you’re lucky, you have an entire career. Here’s a suggestion for you, Pete. Ask me a question after you’ve hosted the show 17 times. Okay?

Pete: I will. But you’ll probably be dead by then.

Alec Baldwin: Ha-ha. Pete, thank you so much for stopping by.

Pete: Alright, listen, I’m leaving, but for real man, I just wanted to come out here so I could be next to the greatest. We’re all so happy that you’re here.

Alec Baldwin: Thank you. You can stay. You can stay.

Pete: Also, I look really hot standing next to you.

Alec Baldwin: Okay. We got a great show. Ed Sheeran is here. Stick around. We will be right back.

Oval Office Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

David… Kyle Mooney

Steve Bannon

Malcolm Turnbull… Beck Bennett

Enrique Peña Nieto… Alex Moffat

Angela Merkel… Mate McKinnon

Emmerson Mnangagwa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Donald Trump in the oval office]

[cheers and applause]

[David walks in]

David: Excuse me, Mr. President, I’m heading home for the night. Can I get you anything?

Donald Trump: No, thank you, David. But hey, how do you like working at the White House? Are your parents proud?

David: I tell them I work at Applebee’s.

Donald Trump: That’s great. One more thing, you know I love my daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared. They always keep me so calm and make sure I don’t do anything too crazy.

David: That’s true, sir.

Donald Trump: So, quick question, are they gone?

David: Yes, they don’t work on shabbat.

Donald Trump: Perfect. When the Jews are away, the goys will play. So send in Steve Bannon.

[David walks out]

[creepy music playing and a grim reaper walks in. He is Steve Bannon.]

Steve Bannon: Hello, Donald. I have arrived.

Donald Trump: Hi Steve, you look rested.

Steve Bannon: Thank you.

Donald Trump: Not me. I’ve had a long day. I’m tired and cranky. And I feel like I could just freak out on somebody.

Steve Bannon: Then maybe you should call Australia.

Donald Trump: Really? I mean, I haven’t been briefed or anything. But, what could go wrong? Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Malcolm Turnbull]

Malcolm Turnbull: Hello, primi Minister Turnbull.

Donald Trump: Yes, hello. It’s the Donald.

Malcolm Turnbull: President Trump. How are you? I hear there’s been a lot of blowback over your Muslim ban.

Donald Trump: No there wasn’t. Everyone loves it. We had to do it because of that huge massacre at bowling green.

Malcolm Turnbull: Never heard of that one.

Donald Trump: Yeah, it was horrible. So many people died, but actually, they’re the lucky ones. They don’t have to see how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten.

Malcolm Turnbull: Well, Mr. Trump, thank you for still accepting our refugees.

Donald Trump: Homie say what?

Malcolm Turnbull: President Obama said America would accept 1,200 refugees. Your country’s compassion will not be forgotten.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. NO, refugees. America first, Australia sucks, your reef is failing, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Malcolm Turnbull: Wait, wait, what?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Steve, I think that went bad. Was that bad?

Steve Bannon: No, it went just according to plan.

Donald Trump: Whose plan? Your plan?

Steve Bannon: No, your plan.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Good. Let’s call Mexico. I figured out a smart diplomatic way to get them to pay for this wall.

[Donald Trump makes a phone call]

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ola, President Peña Nieto.

Donald Trump: Guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: No, guy who’s going to pay for the wall says, “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Que?

Donald Trump: NO, no, you have to say “What?”

Enrique Peña Nieto: Ha-ha-ha. You said “What”, you’re going to pay for the wall.

Donald Trump: No way, you’re paying, loser! You’re bad hombre. Here come our tanks. Prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Donald Trump: Hey, Steve, I’m getting too worked up, maybe I should stop.

Steve Bannon: Or, maybe you should call Germany.

Donald Trump: Okay.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Hello? Is this my sweet Barack? Barack Obama, I miss you.

Donald Trump: No, it’s Donald Trump.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Gross. Hi, Donald. Are your people still protesting?

Donald Trump: Yes, everyone is marching in the street, they’re so upset about how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten. But I’m feeling great. Tomorrow, I’m having lunch with very important up and comer. His name is Frederick Douglas.  I’m trying to get hold of him right now. He’s very busy though.

Angela Merkel: Um-hmm. Well, that’s very cool, Donald. I think I should– I have to go.

Donald Trump: Also, I want to be serious for just a moment. Last week, it was holocaust remembrance day. As you know, 6 million were at my inauguration. I mean, there were so many people at my inauguration, the media refuses to cover it, so unfair. One day I’m going to write a memoir about this struggle and call it ‘My Struggle.’ What would that be in German? Angela?

Angela Merkel: It’s actually Angela (An-Gel-la).

Donald Trump: what?

Angela Merkel: My name is Angela.

Donald Trump: No, no, don’t correct me. I’m in charge now, Germany sucks, your wall failed, prepare to go to war.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone.]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Good. That was hilarious.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Steve. Thank you. Oh, I just had a great idea, watch this.

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello?

Donald Trump: Hello, congratulations, you’ve won a free cruise for tour to Hawaii. All you need is your country’s credit card number.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Enrique Peña Nieto]

Enrique Peña Nieto: We’re not paying for the wall, Donald.

Donald Trump: Yes, you are!

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve, all of our so-called allies are being so mean to me.

Steve Bannon: Why don’t you call some random little country, show them who’s the boss?

Donald Trump: What about Zimbabwe?

Steve Bannon: Perfect! Show them the might of America!

[Donald Trump is making a phone call]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Emmerson Mnangagwa]

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Hello.

Donald Trump: Zimbabwe, this is new sheriff in town.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: Wait, is this Donald Trump?

Donald Trump: Yes.

Emmerson Mnangagwa: You think you are dictator? I will rip out your spine and drink from your skull. You cannot even walk downstairs you little white bitch! Don’t you ever call Zimbabwe again.

[Emmerson Mnangagwa hangs up the phone]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Steve Bannon]

Steve Bannon: Okay, Donald. That’s enough fun for tonight. Can I have my desk back?

Donald Trump: Yes, of course, Mr. President. I’ll go sit at my desk, yeah.

[Donald Trump leaves the president’s seat for Steve Bannon]

[Donald Trump sits at a little desk that’s beside president’s desk]

[Donald Trump is playing with toys]

So much fun, I love it.

Steve Bannon: Yeah, this is fun. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Sherry Dillon… Cecily Strong

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Vladimi Putin… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a rebroadcast of Donald Trump’s first press conference as President-Elect.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his press conference]

Donald Trump: Hello. Thank you for coming. I’d like to start by answering the question that’s on everyone’s mind. Yes, this is real life. This is really happening. On January 28th, I Donald J. Trump will become the 45th president of the United States, and then two months later Mike Pence will become the 46th. I am so excited to live in the White House. I’m even gonna have a little pet like all the presidents do. Bill Clinton had Sox, Barack Obama had Bow and I’ll have Paul Ryan. I mean I’m not gay but I cannot wait to give it to that man for four years. Hey guys, who is excited for my inauguration day?

[cheers and applause]

Yes, thank you to those people over there who I definitely did not pay to do that. And we have got some of the biggest performers of the world lined up. Hold on to your tits and bits because we have got Three Doors Down. Also from America’s Got Talent, we’ve got Jackie what’s her face. Beast of all, we’ve got the One Rockette with the least money in her savings. We’ve also got some huge A list actors coming like, Angelina Jolie, Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence. They’ll all be at my inauguration, courtesy of Madame Tussauds.

Now, as you all know, this is my first press conference in six months. There’s so much to talk about. I’m bringing jobs back. I’m picking the best cabinet. So, go ahead, ask me anything. Yes, you.

[Cut to Pere]

Pete: Hey, ABC news. I’d like to ask you about your big Russian pee-pee party.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. I am not talking about the pee-pee because because it didn’t happen and it wasn’t as cool as it sounds. Next question.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Yes. Justice Scalia’s death has left a vacancy on the supreme court. Many are wondering about your timeline for replacement. So I guess my question is, did you guys like all pee or just watch them pee?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Guys. No, no, I do not want to talk about the pee-pee. I want to talk about what is really important which is jobs, because I am going to bring back a thick stream of jobs back to this country. The biggest, strongest, steadiest stream you’ve ever seen. This country will be literally showered with jobs. Because I am a major wiz at jobs. It will be a golden opportunity for me as a president to make a big splash. Now, who’s with me? I know you’re in. How about you? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? You’re in? [sounds like ‘urine’] Okay. Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes, Mr. Trump, you and the republicans want to repeal Obamacare, but why would you do that before coming up with a replacement plan?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Because Obamacare is a disaster and I actually do have a replacement plan, okay? I just read about it this week. It’s a terrific plan, just great. It’s called the Affordable Care Act.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: That’s the same thing as Obamacare. And if you repeal it, 20 million people will lose their health insurance. I mean, people could die.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, sweetheart, I’m about to be president. We’re all going to die. Next question.

[Cut to Melissa]

Melissa: Yes. Mr. Trump, many people are concerned about all your business conflicts. Have you taken the proper steps to divest from your companies?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes, I have. I’ve turned over all my businesses to my two sons, Beavis and Butthead. They’re here today. Come and get a shot of them.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric]

Look at those two little American psychos. You can tell they’re good businessmen because of how licked back their hair is. Explain how it will work, boys.

Donald Trump Jr.: I’ll be in charge of the day to day operations as well as overseeing all new deals moving forward.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thanks boys. I know some of you think I”m not really divesting from my companies and it’s all a big scam. Here with actual proof of my tax lawyer.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s tax lawyer. She is standing behind a table that has a lot of paper works on it.]

Sherry Dillon: Hello, yes, my name is Sherry Dillon. I’m his lawyer. And this right here are the papers to prove Mr. Trump is really divesting. I mean, look at all these papers. If he wasn’t divesting, how could there be so many dang papers? This paper’s here. This paper’s here. It’s like, “Help, help, lifeguard, I’m practically drowning in papers.” Still don’t believe me? I’ll read every paper out loud right now. Starting with this one, oh that’s right, they’re fake.

[Sherry Dillon walks away]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: God, I’m loving this press conference. Love the press. I respect the press. Let’s take another question from press.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Hi. Yeah, I’m from Buzzfeed, and–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [interrupting] No, no, no, no. Not you, Buzzfeed. You’re a failing pile of garbage and you wanna know why? Because I took your quiz yesterday. I’ll tel you right now, I”m not a Joey, I am a Rachel. Who else has a question? I love the press.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: Um, Yes. Jim Acosta, CNN.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, not CNN either. You’re overrated. Fake news. I tried to watch your network last night and it was just some crazy blonde woman sprouting lies.

[Cut to Jim Acosta]

Jim Acosta: That was Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, right. God, I love Kellyanne. Everyday it looks like she does the ice bucket challenge with her make up. Next question.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Hi. Yes, Dr. Ben Carson’s confirmation hearing this week has characterized as shanky. Are you sure he’s qualified for this cabinet position?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Let me tell you something. Ben Carson is great. He’s going to be the best brain surgeon to ever run the housing department.If he has any trouble, I just appointed someone yesterday to help him out. This man is an African American icon who has done so much for our country.

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Oh, is it congressman John Lewis? that man is a hero.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. I got someone even better. Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, that’s right. It’s me Steve Harvey. Yeah, I do government now. Does this bode well for our country? Survey says! [wrong answer buzzer]

[Steve Harvey walks out]

Donald Trump: thank you, Steve. Let’s take another question.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Hello, Mr. Trump. The intelligence community has said definitively that Russia hacked the election. Why won’t you say one the records that you agree with them?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I will. I’m happy to say that.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Then do it. Say Russia hacked the election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you. A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [gibberish]

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: A little louder please.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, fine! Russia hacked the election. are you happy, mom? Next question. Yes, you sir.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Yes, hello. I am American Journalist Wolf Blitzer. Are you sure Russia was behind hacking?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean, maybe.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: But are you really, really sure? [showing Donald Trump pee-pee party video tape]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It was China. I mean Canada.  It was Meryl Streep. Okay. This press converence is over. Thank you all for peeing here– I mean, for pissing here– I mean being here. And Life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Donald Trump Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, it’s almost Christmas. Do we have to talk business now?

Kellyanne Conway: I am afraid so, Mr. Trump. I know you’ve been so busy out on your thank you tour.

Donald Trump: I had to do it. I just felt an obligation to thank all my supporters by standing in front of them while they cheer for me. Let’s get this over with. Are there any more cabinet picks left?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, we’re almost full, sir. Rick Perry has agreed to be secretary of energy.

Donald Trump: Is that a great choice? I saw him on Dancing With the Stars. This guy has so much energy. He’s just unpresidented. So now, all I have to do is pick who will be president.

Kellyanne Conway: That’s you, sir.

Donald Trump: Can I just do it three days a week like Howard Stern does?

Kellyanne Conway: I don’t think so.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what will you be doing in my administration?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, oh, what I’ve always done. Master Illusionist. Also, I’ve put together a list of people who have agreed to perform you inauguration at seven. [Kellyanne Conway pulls out a small piece of paper as the list]

Donald Trump: So many great names here. Really. I love them both.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald, enough with the working. Let’s do the Christmas.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Kellyanne, let’s take a break but stay close by, would you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, don’t worry. I’m handcuffed to you for all of histories.

[Kellyanne Conway walks out]

[banging sound]

Donald Trump: What’s that sound?

Melania Trump: I think it’s coming from the chimney.

Donald Trump: Is it a ghost? Am I being scrooged? I hate that.

Melania Trump: Oh, Donald! I think it’s a–

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the chimney top nude with Santa’s gift sack]

Vladimir Putin: That’s right.

Donald Trump: Vladimir, this is such a great surprise.

Melania Trump: What are you doing here?

Vladimir Putin: I was just in town. You know, hiding in the walls.

Donald Trump: Okay, come in, come in. It’s so great to finally get a chance to talk in person. I composed an email to you but I haven’t even sent it yet.

Vladimir Putin: I know. Mr. Trump, I’m here because your CIA is saying that we Russians tried to make you win election.

Donald Trump: I know, all lies made up by some very bitter people who need to move on.

Vladimir Putin: So, you trust me more than American CIA?

Donald Trump: All I know is I won.

Vladimir Putin: Wow, this guy is blowing my mind. Donald, I want to state officially that we in Russia are so happy that you are US president.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank you.

Vladimir Putin: We think you’re the best candidate.

Donald Trump: Sure.

Vladimir Putin: The smartest candidate.

Donald Trump: No doubt.

Vladimir Putin: The Manchurian candidate.

Donald Trump: I don’t know what that means but it sounds tremendous.

Vladimir Putin: And since it is Christmas after all, you know, I got you a gift. [Vladimir Putin pulls out a doll from the sack] This is Elf on the Shelf. He’s fun. You just put it right here next to your internet router. [Vladimir Putin puts the doll over the chimney next to the internet router]

[sound of machine turning]

Yeah, you keep it there all year. It’s fun. Yes?

Donald Trump: Yeah. it’s beautiful, Vladimir. I’m sorry but I didn’t know you were coming, so I do not have a gift for you.

Vladimir Putin: Please, Mr. Trump, you are the gift.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Um, Donald, can we talk?

Donald Trump: Of course, excuse us, Vladimir.

[Donald Trump goes to a corner with Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Donald, I do not trust this man. Okay? Think of it this way. He’s a person you did not know who came from a foreign country and just started flattering you, what would you do?

Donald Trump: Marry them.

Melania Trump: Donald, no. You must tell this man to leave.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Alright. [walks to Vladimir Putin] Vladimir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to go. Frankly, it might not look– it might look bad for us to be seen together.

Vladimir Putin: Brilliant observation. You are always so smart Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: You can stay as long as you want.

[Kellyanne Conway walks in]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, sir?

Donald Trump: Oh my god, it’s the ghost of Christmas past. Scrooged!

Kellyanne Conway: No, I’m not a ghost. This is just my face and hair. It’s Kellyanne. Um, your secretary of stage pick Rex Tillerson is here.

[Rex Tillerson walks in]

Rex Tillerson: Merry Chriatmas! Merry Christmas Mr. President elect. I just wanted to come by and– [sees Vladimir Putin] Pudie? Oh my god!

Vladimir Putin: Rexi baby.

[Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson starts celebrating in Russian language]

Rex Tillerson: Oh my star, Donald! You didn’t tell me Pudie was going to be here. Man, have I been hoping to catch up with you.

Vladimir Putin: As have I, old friend. So much to talk about. Hah? [Vladimir Putin pulls out a map] Right here, we’re having some oil drilling problems here.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, that’s no problem. As soon as the sanctions are lifted, we’ll up our intake by 30%.

Donald Trump: What are you guys talking about?

Vladimir Putin: Don’t worry about it.

Rex Tillerson: What about doubling production here in the Pechora sea?

Vladimir Putin: Already under way. Just have to take control of the Lomonosov Ridge. Our military is on it.

Donald Trump: And then we destroy vanity fair, right? They are terrible publication, just terrible.

Rex Tillerson: Sure buddy, sure. [to Vladimir Putin] You set up shop up on Lomonosov?

Vladimir Putin: Oh yes, for years. Great black crude there.

Donald Trump: Speaking of black and crude, I know Kanye. He came here. He’s using my colorist now. He just says whatever he feels. He’s like me, but a black.

Rex Tillerson: That’s cool, buddy. Excuse us for a sec.

Donald Trump: You’re not going to say “Live from New York” without me, right?

Rex Tillerson: No. We’d never do that.

Vladimir Putin: But maybe.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Casey Affleck Christmas Monologue

Casey Affleck

Alec Baldwin

John Goodman

Black Santa… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Casey Affleck.

[Casey Affleck walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Casey Affleck: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you. Wow, it’s great to be here hosting the show tonight. Ah! Saturday Night Live and I began the same year, 1975. We’re exactly the same age. And like SNL, people tend to say that I was a lot funnier back then too. I’m so happy they asked me to host the SNL Christmas show. But I kind of have to wonder, why me? I mean, why didn’t they get classic hosts like Will Ferrell or Tina Fey or Jimmy Fallon or maybe someone cool like [Alec Baldwin walks in] Bruno Mars or [John Goodman walks in] Miley Cyrus [Alec Baldwin and John Goodman turn away and walk out] or Alec Baldwin and John Goodman. [Alec Baldwin and John Goodman walk in again and stand quietly behind Casey Affleck]

[cheers and applause]

Although, that would be a little desperate, right? I mean, being in the first sketch and the monologue? A man’s got to have some dignity.

[Alec Baldwin and John Goodman look at each other and walk out again]

But I guess it makes sense that I’m here tonight because I’m in a new movie. That’s called ‘Manchester by the Sea’. Thank you. It opened wide last night and it’s an incredibly depressing picture. It is. It’s really a downer. I mean it’s great. I’m really proud of it. Please go see it.it’s a beautiful testament to what we’ll do for our family, for how everyone deserves a second chance and also to how unbearably sad movies can be. But it’s also great… but sad. But funny, but just crushingly sad. But it’s also not as sad as ‘Ocean’s Casey AffleckAlec Baldwin’, which I was also in. So, maybe give it a shot. Um, and I don’t know if you have noticed but I have this kind of scraggly beard and not in a Santa way but more like a ‘duck dynasty’ way. But I have to keep it. It’s for the next movie I’m doing which is animated [laughing] but that’s how committed I am to my craft.

All that aside, the real reason I belong here tonight is that I love Christmas. I love it more than anybody else. Christmas makes me happy. It touches something inside of me. [music playing] Although I’m not going to sing about it. [music stops] But the holidays, they just have a way of renewing us, reminding us of what we do have and the better future we can make. At Christmas time, it feels like anything is possible. [music playing] Um, except for singing. [music stops] That’s not gonna happen. But other things are possible.

[Alec Baldwin and John Goodman walk in]

Alec Baldwin: Casey, you don’t have to sing to be a great host.

Casey Affleck: Oh, wow, John Goodman and Alec Baldwin.

[cheers and applause]

You really think I don’t have to sing?

John Goodman: Yeah. I mean, between the three of us, we have hosted SNL 31 times.

Alec Baldwin: We believe in you just like we believe in another special guy with a beard. You might have heard of him, Black Santa Claus.

[Black Santa walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Black Santa: Yo, yo, yo! I’m just kidding. It’s ho, ho, ho.

Alec Baldwin: Ah! You take it from here, Black Santa

Black Santa: Oh, you got it, white Baldwin! Now, Casey, all you need to host a great show is a little Christmas magic. See?

[female voices carolling]

Casey Affleck: Oh, wow! Wow! You’re right. Look, it’s happening. Merry Christmas, Santa.

Black Santa: Actually, I’m Jewish.

Casey Affleck: Well, close enough. oh, we’ve got a great show.

[Alec Baldwin laughing hard]

Chance the Rapper is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

Donald Trump’s Security Briefing Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Mrs. Lemen… Aidy Bryant

Seth… Pete Davidson

John… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mrs. Lemen in her class with students]

Mrs. Lemen: And that is another example of how Felker influenced Latin American literature. [message alert] Seth, I thought I told you to turn off your phone.

Seth: I’m sorry, Mrs. Lemen. I think someone retweeted me.

Mrs. Lemen: Seth, you’re just random kid in high school. Who would retweet you?

[Cut to Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, I just retweeted the best tweet. I mean wow, what a great, smart tweet.

Kenan: Mr. Trump, we’re in a security briefing.

Donald Trump: I know, but this could not wait. It was from a young man named Seth. He’s 16, he’s in high school and I really did retweet him. Seriously. This is real.

Kellyanne Conway: He really did do this.

Kenan: Well, sir, you’re the president elect, so I guess you can do whatever you want but we’d really like to fill you in on Syria.

Donald Trump: God! Seth seems so cool. His twitter bio says he wants to make America great again.

Alex: That is cool, sir.

Donald Trump: It also says, he loves the Anaheim Ducks.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, see, there is a reason actually Donald retweets so much. He does it to distract the media from his business conflicts and all the very scary people in his cabinet.

Kenan: Oh. That does make sense.

Alex: Very clever sir.

Donald Trump: Actually, that’s not why I do. I do it because my brain is bad. But I promise I’m done retweeting. I’m ready to buckle down and get to work.

[two minutes later]

[Cut to Melissa and John watching TV sitting on a couch]

Melissa: John, you’re not even watching the show.

John: Ay, sorry babe. You know I love to tweet. And you’ve seen my new profile picture? It’s a skull with two big guns going through his head. And then the infidel written above it.

Melissa: Babe, that’s psycho. You’re only gonna attract psychos.

[message alert]

John: Whoa, I just got retweeted.

Melissa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway]

Donald Trump: Oops, I did it again.

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Please stop retweeting all these random real people. You’re not getting any work done.

Donald Trump: It’s not true. I was elected 25 days ago, and already unemployment is at a 9 year low. Millions and millions people have health care. And Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Kellyanne Conway: Yes. Yes. He is dead. Just like my soul and all of my hair.

Donald Trump: But next. I am going to do what I promised my whole campaign and I am going to build that swamp.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Don’t you mean drain the swamp and build the wall?

Donald Trump: No. That’s too many things. Just smoosh them together. Smoosh. Smoosh. Wait a minute. Is that the– at the end of the table, is that the picture of me that I hate? The one that the press is always using where I look so ugly? What is that picture doing in here?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, no. That’s actually– that’s just a plate of mashed potatoes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh!

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Your security briefing is incredibly important.

Donald Trump: You’re right. I’m sorry. [puts the phone down on his desk] You have my undivided attention.

[10 seconds later]

[Cut to Vanessa and Bobby at a restaurant]

Vanessa: I’m so glad we’re finally on this date. I got to say, you look exactly like your picture on twitter.

Bobby: Thanks.

Vanessa: So, tell me about your twitter bio.

Bobby: It says, “Liberalism is a mental illness.”

[message alert]

Whoa! I just got retweeted.

Vanessa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway. Donald Trump is blowing the blow horn.]

Donald Trump: Another great retweet.

Alex: Oh, jeez. Um, Mr. Trump, please, let’s get to work, okay? This is an extremely dangerous world. Pakistan is increasingly unstable.

Donald Trump: Should I call them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: North Korea is still doing nuclear tests.

Donald Trump: Should I text them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: And Iran is incredibly volatile.

Donald Trump: Should I have Ivanka send them some shoes?

Kellyanne Conway: Maybe.

Alex: Sir, okay, I hate to be rude but this is insane. Alright? Your inauguration is just seven weeks away.

[Kenan screams as he got scared]

Kenan: Sorry. I just hadn’t heard that put in weeks before.

Alex: Ya!

Kellyanne Conway: Plus, sir, we need to get moving because you have that dinner with Mitt Romney tonight.

Donald Trump: Oh! Do I have to?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Well, then can we at least have a picture of us together where he looks like a little bitch?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes.

Donald Trump: Okay. [puts his phone down on his desk] I’m ready to start this briefing.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay.

Donald Trump: Wait. Where is my chief strategist Steve Bannon? I can’t start without Steve Bannon

Kellyanne Conway: He’s walking in right now.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He is portrayed as a Grim Reaper.

Steve Bannon: Sorry, I am late.

Donald Trump: It’s okay, Steve. You look great.

Donald Trump and Steve Bannon: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Donald Trump Prepares Cold Open

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

General Dunlap… Mikey Day

Peter Chucksell… Bobby Moynihan

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Trump National Golf Club’s board]

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump in the office]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Are you ready for you first meeting?

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what are people saying about my cabinet appointments? Do they love them?

Kellyanne Conway: They are certainly very passionate about them. I just saw one very nice tweet saying that they were great for nation and the future of our children.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Who sent that?

Kellyanne Conway: David Duke.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, can I say something? I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I wouldn’t be president without you.

Kellyanne Conway: I think about that everyday. Also, the chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff is here. You remember General Dunlap?

[General Dunlap enters]

General Dunlap: Here he is.

Donald Trump: Thanks for coming, General.

General Dunlap: My pleasure, sir. Thought we could take a moment to discuss strategy before your upcoming term.

Donald Trump: Sure.

General Dunlap: We’ve been stuck fighting ISIS in Jabhat Al-Nusra for six years now. When we found out that you had a secret plan, it really energized us.

Donald Trump: That’s right. A plan. Very secret.

General Dunlap: Well, whatever it is, we’re really looking forward to hearing it come January. It’s only seven weeks away, so let’s save some lives together, sir.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Love it. Thank you.

[General Dunlap walks out]

Okay, right. Here we go. Big plan. Big plan. [Donald Trump opens his laptop] Google, what is ISIS? Oh, my! 59 million results. [Donald Trump takes his phone] Siri, how do I kill ISIS? Oh! This is a Blackberry. [breathing heavy] Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. [takes long breath]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Yes, what do you need, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: A time machine. But I also came to tell you that you’ve got a special visitor. This is Peter Chucksell. [Peter Chucksell enters] He led our campaign in West Virginia.

Peter Chucksell: Mr. Trump. It is an honor, sir.

Donald Trump: Nice to meet you, Peter. Where are you from?

Peter Chucksell: Virginia, sir. A little town called Grundy. That’s cold country, sir. I’ve been out of work two years now. Rough times. Then you said you were going to bring every single job back to our town!

Donald Trump: Every single one?

Peter Chucksell: Yes, sir! Hell! If you can build a wall that’s 2,000 miles long on the Mexican border, I’m sure you can help us.

Donald Trump: How long is that wall?

Peter Chucksell: 2,000 miles.

Donald Trump: 2,000 American miles?

Peter Chucksell: [laughing] I cannot wait to see the look on those Mexicans’ faces when you make them pay for that wall. They say it’s gonna cost $25 billion.

Donald Trump: Fantastic Peter! Thank you very much.

Peter Chucksell: Okay.

[Peter Chucksell walks out]

Donald Trump: $25 billion, it can’t be that much. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don’t worry, Donald. it’ll be okay. Hillary is still ahead in the polls.

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

[Kellyanne Conway is brushing something away from her shoulder]

Donald Trump: Yes, Kellyanne, what’s the matter? Is there something on your shoulder?

Kellyanne Conway: Um, yes. [showing the around environment] All of this. Also, Mitt Romney is here.

[Mitt Romney walks in]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Mr. president-elect. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

Donald Trump: Governot Romney, so good of you to come.

[Donald Trump and Mitt Romney shake their hands for long without sharing words]

Mitt Romney: This isn’t going to work, is it?

Donald Trump: I don’t think so.

Mitt Romney: Great, thanks. Thanks. I’m gonna go to the shop.

[Mitt Romney walks out]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Mike… Pence… is here.

Donald Trump: Great. Perfect.

[Mike Pence walks in]

Mike Pence: Hello, sir.

Donald Trump: Heard you went to see ‘Hamilton,’ how was that?

Mike Pence: It was good. I got a free lecture.

Donald Trump: I heard they ‘booed’ you.

Mike Pence: Absolutely.

Donald Trump: Um, I love you Mike, you’re the reason I’m never going to get impeached.

Mike Pence: We have a few problems. The democrats are already pushing back on our illegal immigration act because they say finding 11 million illegal immigrants is going to be hard.

Donald Trump: Impossible, probably.

Mike Pence: They say it’s going to be even harder to deport them.

Donald Trump: So, maybe, let’s not do it.

Mike Pence: [shocked] Um, don’g do it?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Scrapped?

Donald Trump: Scrapped. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Okay, you know what? Maybe we will just talk about that later. Let’s move on to Obamacare. As you know, 20 million people use it. And it sounds crazy, but a lot of them like it.

Donald Trump: Keep it. Let’s just keep it.

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, keep it?

Donald Trump: Yeah, keep it. All of it. No change.

Mike Pence: Okay, hey, let’s just hold that for later, alright? Also, they’re gonna make it hard for us to hire a special prosecutor put Hillary in jail.

Donald Trump: Then don’t do it.

Mike Pence: Don’t do it?

Donald Trump: Scrap it. She didn’t do anything. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Sir, being president is not going to be easy. But we’ll get through it if we work hard. Together.

Donald Trump: Thank you Mike. Oh, and Mike, you’re going to do everything right?

Mike Pence: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, and Mike. One more thing.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Presidential Message Before Election Cold Open

Erin Burnett… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

FBI agent… Alex Moffat

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Erin Burnett OutFront intro]

[Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening and welcome to Erin Burnett OutFront. I’m Erin Burnett. For the next 72 hours, we’ll be bringing you non-stop election coverage. And my neighbors who are watching, please don’t feed my dog. Race has been tightening all week and tonight we have both candidates with us to make their case to voters one last time. Joining me from Florida is Secretary Hillary Clinton, and from Colorado, Donald Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

How are you both doing this week?

Donald Trump: Really, really great, Erin. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.] They’re all so buying it.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, it has been a great week for me too. Um, my fav part was when I lost that great big lead I had. But I am not worried, Erin. It might be the bottom of the 9th and it’s tied and it’s raining. But this old Chicago cub is still gonna bring it home.

Donald Trump: You are not, Hillary. Coz I am building a lot of momentum. The polls are showing that we are neck and [showing his neck] whatever this is here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah. And you’ve travelled to four different states just today. What gives you the energy for all that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: My deep love for America. And a really, really big handful of uppers that are meant for resources.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Well, let’s get to what’s obviously the big story of the week.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton with her fingers crossed]

Hillary Clinton: Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes. Please be his taxes.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton’s emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton cringing]

Hillary Clinton: Ew-okay.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: FBI director Jim Comey announced that they’re looking into more emails that were discovered on Anthony Weiner’s laptop.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That’s right. I called it. And these emails are very bad for you, Hillary. That’s why I never, ever use email. It’s too risky. Instead, I use a very private, very secure site where one can whatever they want to and no one will read it. It’s called Twitter.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Trump, everyone can see your tweets.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Really? And I’m still in this thing? America, you must really hate this lady.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] They do.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Now, it’s highly unusual for the FBI to make an announcement like this so close to the election.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh yeah, you think? I mean, am I cringy or does it sort of seem like the FBI is trying to get Donald Trump elected president?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, no. That is crazy cuckoo. The FBI is not trying to help me. The FBI does not like me. I mean, what even is the FBI?

[FBI agent walks in]

FBI agent: Hey, I’m gonna go grab some coffee, you want something?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

FBI agent: Okay.

[Donald Trump kisses FBI agent and FBI agent leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton looking shocked]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! You saw that, right? He kissed an FBI guy? Yeah?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It doesn’t seem like enough of a story. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh! Yeah. Boy, I could really go for another Donald Trump audio link right about now. Hey! Mark Burnett, Mark, my baby, I know you’re sitting on some pretty racist tapes of Donald on the Apprentice. So, Mark, as they say I’m a wheel of fortune, give me a an ‘N’.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary Clinton, there is no proof that a tape of Mr. Trump saying the N word actually exists.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, are you cray? Of course that tape exists.

Donald Trump: Erin, Erin, Erin, it does exist.

Hillary Clinton: See? See? I need someone to release something on this guy. I mean, I’ve got the whole Russian government helping release stuff on me coz Russian loves Donald and Donald loves Putin.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. She’s a liar. I don’t know Putin. I have never met Putin. What is even a Putin?

[Vladimir Putin walks in half naked.]

Vladimir Putin: I’m running to store. Do you need anything?

Donald Trump: No, I’m good. Thanks sweetie.

Vladimir Putin: Alright.

[Donald Trump kisses Vladimir Putin and Vladimir Putin leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin! Erin! Erin! He kissed Putin. He kissed Putin on live TV.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Secretary, that can mean anything. Let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Hillary Clinton: [screaming] Oh!

Donald Trump: These emails are huge scandal. I heard it’s even bigger than White Water.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m not sure that’s quite true, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Why are you defending her, Erin? Are you a les with her? Because I hear it from a lot of people that you are lessing her.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: that doesn’t even make sense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter, Erin, because I said it. And now, half the country believes it. But P.S., no one loves gay people more than me, okay? I am a huge supporter of the LB community.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You mean the LGBT community?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No, just the L and the B.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: You see Erin? Okay, this is how he talks. He pretends to be pro-gay but then his running mate believes in conversion therapy. He says he is not racist but this week the KKK endorsed him for president.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. No. No. I don’t know the KKK. I mean, what even is a K?

[a KKK walks in with the white cult outfit on]

KKK member: Hey, I’m gonna go for a run. Do you wanna come?

Donald Trump: Um, no thanks. I’m good, sweetie

[Donald Trump kisses the KKK member and he leaves]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Erin, the KKK. Can we talk about how he kissed the KKK?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yeah, I wish we could but we’re almost out of time. So, let’s get back to your emails.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [sighs] What is happening? Is the whole world insane? Donald Trump has single handedly ruined so much of what we as Americans hold dear. Kindness, decency, tic tacs, skittles, taco balls, father daughter dances, buses, bright red hats, the word ‘great’, the color orange, men. But look, if you want to elect him president on Tuesday, okay! Go ahead. But then in four years once you all realize you’ve been tricked, you’re gonna come running back to me begging me to run again and guess what idiots? I’ll do it.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.]

Donald Trump: Erin, here is the bottomline, okay? Hillary Clinton is the most corrupt person ever to run for president. She is a liar. She is a crook.

Hillary Clinton: No.

Donald Trump: And frankly, she should be in jail. And when I am president, I will assign a special prosecutor–

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no.

Donald Trump: –to make sure that she never–

[Donald Trump looks down and around]

[sighs] I’m sorry Kate. I just hate yelling all this stuff at you like this.

[Cut to a shot where Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are standing side by side, just their backgrounds are different.]

Hillary Clinton: Yeah. I know, right? This whole election has been so mean.

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk close to each other]

Donald Trump: I mean, I just feel gross all the time. I mean, don’t you guys feel gross all the time about this? [cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: You know what I think can help us? Let’s get out of here.

Donald Trump: What? Where will we go?

Hillary Clinton: You’ll see.

[music playing]

[Hillary Clinton grabs Donald Trump by his hand and pulls him]

[they run out to the streets. They raise hands and run into the public. They start hugging strangers in the public.]

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton run back to the SNL stage]

Donald Trump: Whoo! I needed that!

Hillary Clinton: I needed that. I feel so much better.

Donald Trump: Yeah. And now it’s time to get out there and vote. None of this will have mattered if you don’t vote.

Hillary Clinton: And we can’t tell you who to vote for but on Tuesday, we all get a chance to choose what kind of country we want to live in.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Third Debate Cold Open

Chris Wallace… Tom Hanks

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Chris Wallace in his set]

Chris Wallace: Good evening. Good evening. I’m Chris Wallace and welcome to the third and final Presidential Debate. Tonight is going to be a lot like the third lord of the rings movie. You don’t really wanna watch, but hey you’ve come this far. Now, let’s welcome the candidates. Donald J. Trump and Secretary Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walking towards their podium]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, how are you. Hello, Chris. Thank you for having me. IN the first debate, I set the table. In the second debate, I fired up the grill. And tonight, [shows two knives] I feast.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, I’m going to start this debate in the quietest voice possible. In the past, I have been big and loud but tonight I am a sweet little baby Trump.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: That is good to hear. Our first question is for you and it is about reproductive rights.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: [yelling] They’re ripping babies out of vaginas.

Hillary Clinton: Listen, Chris, I’m glad you raised this topic because what two better people are there to talk about women’s issues? Me, a woman who has had a child and has taken birth control and him, a man who is a child and whose face is birth control.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And we’re off to the races. Let’s talk integration. Mr. Trump, why are you immigration policies better than secretary Clinton’s?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Because she wants open borders and that is crazy. I mean, people are just pouring into this country from Mexico and a lot of them are very bad hombre.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, bingo! Bingo! I got bingo. [Cut to Hillary Clinton. She takes out the Trump Bingo card.] Sorry. Sorry. I’ve been playing all year and I got it. I have ‘Bad hombre’, ‘rapists’, ‘miss piggy’, ‘they’re all living in hell’ and ‘if she wasn’t my daughter’.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Congratulations secretary Clinton. Mr. Trump, please continue.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: I have a fantastic relationship with Mexico, okay? I have personally met with the Mexican president. I forgot his name. I think it was something like Mr. Guacamole. I’m sorry, excuse me. Senior Guacamole. I also met his beautiful wife, Takito. And their twin children, chips and salsa.

Hillary Clinton: Chris, here is the truth. Donald said he was gonna be tough on Mexico but when he met with the president, he choked.

Donald Trump: Wrong, trademark.

Hillary Clinton: He has also said he is gonna be tough on Russia but he is basically Putin’s puppet.

Donald Trump: Liar, trademark.

Hillary Clinton: And he has promised to be tough on ISIS, but he has never explained how.

Donald Trump: That’s not exactly true. Here is exactly what I’ll do. First off, Mosul, it’s sad. And we’re going after Mosul because ISIS isn’t Mosul but she created ISIS. And Iran should write us a letter of thank you, because Iran is taking Iraq. And so we’re going to Mosul and Iran’s going to write us a letter of– listen, where Aleppo isn’t a disaster and Iran is Iraq and with Mosul, it’s ISIS–

Chris Wallace: Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump, [Cut ot Chris Wallace] We have to move on.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank god. I don’t know if you could tell but I was really spinning out of control.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Secretary Clinton, now I’d like to ask you about an ongoing issue for your campaign. Wikileaks has been releasing your campaign emails, many of which raise some serious questions.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, um, for bringing up my emails, Chris. I am very happy to clarify what was in some of them. [looks away] Um, sorry, what? Carol? What? [looks to the camera] Sorry, I thought I heard my friend Carol. Anyway, back to your question about the way that Donald treats women. And that is you pivot.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: So, you’re just never going to answer a question about your emails?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No, but it is a very cute to watch you try.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, Mr. Trump, in the last week, 11 women accused you of sexually assaulting them. Do you still deny each of those claims?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, of course I do. I’m completely innocent. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Nobody has more respect for women than I do.

[Cut to a video clip of audience laughing]

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Alright! Alright! Settle down. Settle down, entire planet. Settle down. Our next question is about the economy. Mr. Trump, why are you better equipped than secretary Clinton to fix the economy?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Because Hillary has no idea how to fix anything. If she did, she would have done it already. I mean, what has she been doing–

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: No, Donald, don’t. Don’.t

Donald Trump: For the last 30 years.

Chris Wallace: — don’t set her up please.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I’d be happy to talk about last 30 years.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Oh, no. Not again.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Back in the 1970s, I worked for the children’s defense fund.

Chris Wallace: Yes, yes, yes. We know.

Hillary Clinton: Then I was a senator in New York on 9/11.

Chris Wallace: Yeah, we get it. We get it.

Hillary Clinton: And then I was secretary of state and I don’t know if you’ve heard this before–

Chris Wallace: We have.

Hillary Clinton: — but I was instrumental in taking down a man by the name of–

Chris Wallace: Osama Bin Laden.

Hillary Clinton: Osaamaaa a-Bin a-Laden!

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: We’re very proud of your accomplishments secretary.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Chris, if she can brag about her resume but I am the one who’s got all the heavy hitters supporting me. I mean I have got the creme of the crop. I’ve got Sarah Palin. I’ve got Chachi, and get this, I’ve even got the best Baldwin brother, Steven Baldwin.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Secretary Clinton, let’s move on to entitlement. Will you raise taxes to save programs like Social Security and Medicare?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Yes, but only on the very wealthy. For example, my contributions will go up as well Donald’s assuming he doesn’t figure out a way to get out of that.

Donald Trump: Such a nasty woman.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Whao! Whao! Whao! Mr. Trump, that was incredibly rude to secretary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you, Chris. That’s exactly the kind of language that has poisoned and debased this election. And if you agree, go to hillaryclinton.com and buy a limited edition ‘Nasty woman’ mugs.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And now we have returned to the big story of the week. Mr. Trump, it has become very clear that you’re probably going to lose.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: Correct.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, when you do, will you accept the results of the election?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: I will look at it at the time because, frankly, this whole thing is rigged. Even the media. Everyday I turn on the news, and all of the news casters are making me look so bad.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: And how are we doing that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: By taking all of the things I say and all of the things I do and putting them on TV.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Donald, Donald, listen, I’m trying to help you buddy. So, repeat after me. I, Donald Trump…

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I, the best ever, Donald Trump…

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: …promise to accept…

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: …promise to accept…

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: …the results of this election.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: … the results of this election if I win. Got you loser, trademark.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Chris, what he has just said is horrifying. And that’s why, Americans have an important decision to make. Between the two of us, who do you trust to be your president? The republican or Donald Trump?

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Thank you secretary. Now, we are almost out of time.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah? No, let me just make sure that I’ve said everything that I wanted to say. [Donald Trump pulls out a paper that has ‘nasty woman’ written on it. He turns over the paper, it has ‘bad hombre’ written on it.] Okay, I’m good. I’m good.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Now, before we conclude, you each will have one minute for your closing statements. Mr. Trump, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Chris. And thank you to all of my supporters. Because of you, I am winning in every single poll taken outside of the crackle barrel.

[Cut to Chris Wallace]

Hillary Clinton: Secretary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen America, Donald Trump cannot be president. He would be a disaster. A failure. A complete F. And America, you deserve better than an F. So, on November 8th, vote for me and I promise I will be a stone cold B. [winks]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Donald Trump: And then on November 9th, make sure to check out Trump TV. You’re gonna hate it.

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.