Tag: Alec Baldwin

Cockpit

Sully Sullenberger… Tom Hanks

Air hostess… Sasheer Zamata

Doug Hubbard… Alec Baldwin

Dani… Kyle Mooney

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with a video clip of an airplane]

Female voice: Now boarding American Airlines flight 809, nonstop to Seattle, Tacoma.

[Cut to the cockpit. Sully is sitting down. Air Hostess enters the cockpit.]

Air Hostess: Good morning.

Sully: Good morning.

Air Hostess: Oh my god! You’re Sully Sullenberger.

Sully: Um-hmm.

Air Hostess: You landed that plane in the Hudson river. You saved all those people’s lives.

Sully: Yeah, well, I guess I did what I had to do.

Air Hostess: I didn’t know you were flying again.

Sully: Yeah, I took some time off to write a book. But, um, I’m ready to get back to just being a captain again.

Air Hostess: Well, it’s an honor sir. Let me know if you need anything at all.

Sully: Thank you much.

[Hubbard walks in and Air Hostess walks out]

Hubbard: Howdy there?

Sully: Morning, come on in. [not looking at Hubbard]

Hubbard: Whoops, I’m sorry. I think I’m in that seat.

Sully: What’s that? The captain’s chair?

Hubbard: Yeah, I’m sorry. I think according to the rotation sheet, I’m the captain on this route.

Sully: [talking to the management] Tower, this is American 809. Looks like we got ity-bity typo on our rotation sheet. Can you confirm our captain roster please?

Male voice: Copy 809, we have captain Doug, um, Hubbard as first in command.

Sully: Um, tower, this is American 809, I’m Sully.

Male voice: Come again, 809?

Sully: I am Sully. Sully. Miracle on the Hudson? So?

Male voice: Copy. You haven’t flown in a while Sullenberger. So, FAA requires 18 hours as second in command. You will be assisting captain Hubbard today.

Sully: Well, to-to-tower? Tower? Well, right!

[Sully leaves the seat for Hubbard. they seat in their seats. Sully is very disappointed.]

Hubbard: Tower, this is 809. We’re fueled up and ready for pre-check.

Male voice: Copy that captain. We’ve got you on runway two-two.

Hubbard: Runway two-two. Copy.

Sully: Runway two-two. Copy.

[Hubbard looks at Sully]

You know, your wind-speed isn’t set yet?

Hubbard: Well, I was about to.

Sully: Okay. [silence for a moment] Yep! I’ll never forget that day.

Hubbard: Yeah, crazy. [Talking to the passengers] Good morning, folks. This is your captain.

Sully: And I am Sully.

Hubbard: It should be a pretty smooth ride today.

Sully: Hero of the Hudson.

Hubbard: Weather in Seattle is 77 degrees. So, sit back, relax and enjoy the flight.

Sully: Brace for impact. Just kidding.

[Hubbard is annoyed]

[Cut to plane flying]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: I know Ellen.

Hubbard: What?

Sully: Degeneres. Sweet gal. Funny.

Hubbard: Cool.

Sully: It is.

[Cut to plane flying]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: Have you seen Sully?

Hubbard: I have not.

Sully: Oh, it’s about me.

Hubbard: Is that right?

Sully: Yep. [showing Hubbard his watch] Apple watch. Free. They just sent it to me. I mean, I don’t care about this kind of stuff. Do you have one?

Hubbard: Um, I don’t.

Sully: Hah!

[Cut to plane flying]

[Cut to the cockpit. Air hostess walks in with 4 and Vanessa.]

Air Hostess: Excuse me fellas, this kid wants to meet his hero in the cockpit. I said you two wouldn’t mind.

Sully: No, no. Of course now. Come on in buddy.

Vanessa: Um, captain Hubbard, we heard you’re a veteran. You served in desert storm?

Hubbard: I did.

Vanessa: Go ahead, Dani.

Dani: Thank you for your service.

Hubbard: Well, thank you for being such a nice young man.

Sully: I’m Sully.

Vanessa: What?

Sully: Oh, oh. Okay, I see. He was in the army. Oh, quick, get this guy on Camel.

[Cut to flying plane]

[Cut to the cockpit]

Sully: I’m gonna go 30.

Hubbard: Um, the wind’s out of the south-west. I think we better do 35.

Sully: Ah-ah! I think 30 is good.

Hubbard: Hey, man. Do you have some kind of problem with me?

Sully: No. I think you’re great. [pointing away] Hey, what is the vlearn selector there?

Hubbard: Let me see. [Hubbard looks away.]

[Sully turns both the yokes to the left. Alarm is ringing.]

Sully: [acting like he got it on control] I got her. I got her. Good thing I was here.

Hubbard: Folks, I’m captain. I’m sorry about that.

Sully: Sully saved everyone.

Hubbard: Just some accidental turrulance.

Sully: Yes, Sully did it again.

Hubbard: Seat belt sign is on.

Sully: We are headed for the Hudson.

Hubbard: No we’re not. Please remain seated.

Sully: We are going down.

Hubbard: We’re fine.

Sully: We just hit bird.

Hubbard: No we didn’t.

Sully: I’m turning on the APU.

[The End]

Melanianad

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Emily Blunt

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Omarosa… Sasheer Zamata

Tiffany Trump… Vanessa Bayer

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with video clips of female friends and family members of Donald Trump thinking deep]

Melania: Here lies my last nerve, Donald. I’ve stood by your side this whole campaign, your beautiful, dutiful Melania. I can’t take it anymore. I am your wife.

Ivanka: Your daughter.

Kellyanne: Your mouth piece.

Omarosa: Your one black friend.

Tiffany: Your other daughter.

All: And you’re breaking us. Taking us for granted that we’ll always be there.

Melania: But one day soon, Donald, you may wake up and this bomb pussy bow blouse will be gone.

[music playing]

[Music video starts]

Melania: I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
Donald, na!

‘m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry

Kellyanne: Always screwing up (I’m not sorry)
expect me to clean it up (I’m not sorry)
said I’d stick with you unless (I’m not sorry)
I think we’ve gotten to unless (I’m not sorry)
Melania: Me and my ladies pack our Gucci up
we spilling tea with our pinkies up
fix your bald spot, I’ve had enough
tryna’ thinking about you
I’m done thinking about

All: Four fingers up, make them bend right
poke him in the face, tell him, “Boy, bye”
tell him, “Boy, bye” (you’re fired)

four fingers up, tired of thinking about you

Ivanka: Daddy once tweeted “Sorry”
I’m not even making music
I’m supposed to be the brain tear
what the hell have happen thinking?

Now he’s bringing Paula Jones in
there goes my friendship with Chelsea Clinton
I miss you Chelsea Clinton
Call me Chelsea

All: Tired of thinking about you
I’m done thinking about you

four fingers up
tired of thinking about you.

Tiffany: Hell na! I killed on that convention speech, no lie
but I’ll never be Ivanka in your eyes
I don’t give a damn, tonight I’m turning tables
don’t call me Tiffany Trump, I’m Tiff Maples

Omarosa: Leaving the resignation in the hall way
signed as Omarosa, there’s no last name
No last name
I ain’t f***n with no last name

Melania: Don’t take me wrong, I have a good life
but Donald don’t underestimate your wife
I got Eastern Europe mindset
I might forgive but I won’t forget
Donald baby, watch out (watch out)
me and my women’s about to walk out
I see Mike Pence in the corner
looking for the back door

Mike Pence: You only want me when I’m not there

All: Without us you wouldn’t be standing there

Melania: You just be that guy with that weed hair
you just be that guy with that weed hair

I wrote that all by myself.

Donald Trump: Come on Melania, ready? It’s the wedding. Let’s go. You look very nice. But let’s go.

Women: Yes. Okay.

[All the women start walking]

Donald Trump: Tiffany, you wait here.

Tiffany: Oh! Cool.

Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton Town Hall Debate Cold Open

Martha Raddatz… Cecily Strong

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Patrice Brock… Leslie Jones

Ken Karpawoods… Beck Bennett

James Carter… Michael Che

Ken Bone… Bobby Moynihan

Carl Becker… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper in their set]

Martha Raddatz: Hello and welcome to the second and worst ever presidential debate. I’m Martha Raddatz.

Anderson Cooper: And I’m Anderson Cooper. And before we begin, we just need to do one last thing.

[Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper takes a shot of tequila.]

Martha Raddatz: Ah, much better. Now let’s get this nightmare started. Please help us welcome the candidates. Republican nominee Donald Trump and can we say this yet?

Anderson Cooper: Probably fine.

Martha Raddatz: President Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to the stage. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk in to their chairs.]

[cheers and applause]

[Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk to the middle and then start staring at each other and walking around.]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Okay, thank you both for being here.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you for having me. I’d like to begin tonight by attempting a casual lean. [Hillary Clinton leans on the chair that she’s supposed to sit on] Got it!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, tonight I’m going to do three things. I’m going to huff. I’m going to puff. And I’m going to blow this whole thing.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Now, tonight’s debate is a town hall which means we’ll be taking questions from voters in the audience. They are undecided, uncommitted and not remotely camera ready.

Anderson Cooper: Secretary Clinton, we’ll start with you. Your question comes from Patrice Brock.

[Cut to Patrice Brock in the audience]

Patrice: Hello. My question is do you feel that you’re modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hi, Patrice. Let me start by walking over to you just as I practiced. [walking near Patrice] Right, left, right, left. Speak. Now, Patrice, you’re a teacher?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You have kids?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You like kids?

Patrice: No.

Hillary Clinton: You’ve seen kids?

Patrice: Yeah.

Hillary Clinton: Okay, great. We’re bonding already. Oh, my friend Patrice. Patrice, I strive to be a positive role model for all children. Children like my daughter Chelsea and my granddaughter Chelsea Jr.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Trump, same question. Do you feel like your’e modeling appropriate and positive behavior for today’s youth?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: No. Next.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: So, you don’t care about the kids?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, I love the kids. I love them so much I’d marry them. I’ve been helping kids my whole life and in 1992 I helped a kid named Kevin McCallister to find the hotel lobby. You might remember the documentary Home Alone II: Lost in New York.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Okay. Moving on, Mr. Trump, we received a lot of questions online about the audio tape that was released last week bragging about sexually assaulting women.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Listen, what I said is nothing compared to what Bill Clinton has done, okay? He has abused women and Martha, Anderson, hold on to your nips and your nuts because four of those women are here tonight. Four of them.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Wait, I’m sorry, who’s here? [sobbing and mocking] Mistresses? Bill, how could you? I would like to water the debate, now I’ll never be able to remember my facts and figures now. Oh, Donald, no! Get real. I’m made of steal. This is nothing. Hi girls.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, she is trying to silence these women but they need to be respected. They need their voices heard.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: What about the all the women accusing you of sexual assault?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: They need to shut the hell up.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Alright, let’s move on. Our next question is from Ken Karpawoods.

[Cut to Ken Karpawoods in the audience]

Ken: Thank you, I’ve got the boring one. The affordable care act is not affordable. What will you do to bring the cost down and make coverage better?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, Ken, that’s a great question. I agree that Obamacare can be improved Ken, but it does have it’s benefits. [Donald Trump walks behind Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know it.] Number one, insurance companies can’t deny your coverages because of preexisting condition. [Donald Trump slowly walks near Hillary Clinton as she speaks] Number two, no lifetime limits which, you know, is a big deal if you have serious health problem. And number three– [Donald Trump runs behind Hillary Clinton and gets back to his place. Hillary Clinton doesn’t know about it.] Sorry, I thought I– And number three, women can’t be charged– [Donald Trump pass walks behind Hillary Clinton again. Hillary Clinton is looking around having no idea what’s going on.] Thought I– Women can’t be charged more than men for health insurance. Okay? And number four–

[Donald Trump jumps in and shouts at the mic. Hillary Clinton gets scared.]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz]

Martha Raddatz: Okay, let’s take another question. This one comes from James Carter.

[Cut to James Carter in the audience.]

James: Good evening, Mr. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Oh, no!

[Cut to James]

James: My question is do you believe you can be a devoted president to all the people?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: That is a great question, Denzel. Thank you for this question about the inner cities.

[Cut to James]

James: My name is James and I didn’t ask anything about no inner cities.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: The inner cities are a mess, okay? Just last month I was in Detroit and everywhere I looked, there were violent, crazy people and lot of them had guns. And they were screaming horrible things like, “Trump for president.”

[Cut to James]

James: I think you were at one of your own rallies.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Martha, this black man is attacking me. Also, speaking of black men, you know who else should be in jail? Hillary Clinton. She has committed so many crimes, she is basically a black.

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Secretary Clinton? Do you wish to respond to that?

[cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: No, cool. Because as my best friend Michelle Obama once said, when they go low, you go high. God, I love that quote. Almost as memorable as when I said, “Trumped up trickled down economy.” Just a couple of equally famous quotes from a couple of equally lovable women.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Alright, and now since everyone has been so good, it’s time for a special treat.

Anderson Cooper: That’s right. Ladies and gentlemen, [drums rolling] put your hands together for the one and only, Mr. Ken Bone.

[Cut to Ken Bone]

[cheers and applause]

Ken Bone: You all ready for this?

[music starts playing and Ken Bone starts dancing.]

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: Oh my god, he is so cute.

Anderson Cooper: I really needed that right now.

Martha Raddatz: No, wait. Ken, you’re not gonna turn out to be a weird little creep or anything are you?

[Cut to Ken Bone]

Ken Bone: Maybe.

[Cut to Martha Raddatz and Anderson Cooper]

Martha Raddatz: God! We can’t have anything nice.

Anderson Cooper: Oh well. Well, we have time for one final question and it comes from Carl Becker.

[Cut to Carl Becker in the audience]

Carl: Good evening. My question is for Hillary. Tonight Donald Trump said you should be in jail. He said you have hate in your heart and he followed you around the stage like a shark. So my question is, what do you like about him?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, this one’s actually easy. Donald Trump and I disagree on almost everything but I do like how generous he is. Just last Friday, he handed me this election.

[Hillary Clinton starts showing some dance moves]

[Cut to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Trump, one thing you like about Secretary Clinton?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like that she’s a fighter and that she doesn’t give up. Which is why I need all my supporters to get out there and vote on election day, mark your calendars, write it down. Here is the day, it’s November 35th.

[Hillary Clinton jumps in.]

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Vice Presidential Debate Cold Open

Elaine Quijano… Melissa Villaseñor

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Tim Kaine… Mikey Day

Brooke Baldwin… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Vice Presidential Debate intro]

Narrator: The following is an encore presentation of Tuesday night’s Vice Presidential Debate.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano in her set]

[cheers and applause]

Elaine Quijano: Good evening from Longwood University and welcome to the first and only Vice Presidential debate. I’m the new Hispanic cast member and tonight, I’ll be playing asian moderator Elaine Quijano because, baby steps. Now please, help me welcome America’s dad, senator Tim Kaine, and America’s stepdad governor Mike Pence.

[Mike Pence and Tim Kaine get in to the debate and shake their hands.]

[cheers and applause]

Mike Pence: Good evening.

Tim Kaine: Ola, Elaine.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano. She is getting angry.]

Elaine Quijano: Hello. I’d like to thank you both for being here, and also say that you look exactly like before and after Rogan ad.

[Cut to split screen with Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.]

Mike Pence: We know.

Tim Kaine: We know.

[Cut to Elaine Quijano

Elaine Quijano: Our first question tonight is about foreign policy. What are your plans to combat terrorism at home and abroad? Senator Kaine, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to split screen with Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.]

Tim Kaine: Awesome, Elaine. I have an awesome answer for this and here it is. Donald Trump has called Mexicans rapists and he’s called women pigs and slobs.

Mike Pence: No, no. That’s not true.

Tim Kaine: Yes, it is, Elaine!

Mike Pence: No, it’s not. Those are lies. Donald Trump loves women. He respects women. He has never said a single bad thing about women. And I dare you to show me a single shred of evidence that proves otherwise.

[Cut to CNN Breaking News intro]

Announcer: This is a CNN Breaking News alert.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin in her news set.]

Brooke Baldwin: Well, looks like Donald Trump finally got what he wanted, a working microphone. Newly leaked audio shows Donald Trump and Billy Bush making lewd comments about women on an access Hollywood bus in 2005. Here to address this breaking scandal is Donald Trump himself.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Are you not entertained?

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump]

Brooke Baldwin: Alright. Mr. Trump, this leaked audio showed you saying– you know, I can’t quite say it on live television. [hesitating to speak] But basically you said you wanted to– to–

Donald Trump: Grab them by the pussy.

Brooke Baldwin: Oh my god.

Donald Trump: And I would like to take this time to formally apple-lagize.

Brooke Baldwin: What? What are you saying?

Donald Trump: I deeply apple-lagize.

Brooke Baldwin: Are you trying to say apologize?

Donald Trump: No, I would never do that. [Cut to Donald Trump] What I am doing is apple-lagizing to all the people who are offended by my statements. But more importantly to the people who were turned on by them. I hear it’s really 50-50.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Um, okay. But Mr. Trump, why would you say these horrible things in the first place?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Come on, Brooke, I was trying to look cool. I mean, what normal red blooded American doesn’t wanna impress the Billy Bush? Also, P.S., you have to admit it’s kind of funny that the only Bush who matters in this general election is Billy.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump]

Brooke Baldwin: But doesn’t really excuse what you said.

Donald Trump: Listen, okay, this was way back in 2005. It was 11 years ago. Back when I was just a young childish 59year old man.

Brooke Baldwin: Um, okay. Now, Mr. Trump, many republicans have stood by you through a lot of other scandals but are now polling their support. People like senator John McCain.

Donald Trump: Coward.

Brooke Baldwin: Carly Fiorina.

Donald Trump: She’s a four.

Brooke Baldwin: And Idaho’s senator Mike Crapo.

Donald Trump: More like crap-o.

Brooke Baldwin: Okay. But you must admit this is bad for you.

Donald Trump: The only person I need is my running mate Mike Pence. I love Mike Pence. I respect Pence. I’ll always have Pence.

Brooke Baldwin: Well actually, today he said he can’t condone your remarks and then he cancelled his campaign events.

Donald Trump: Mike Pence is a loser. I hate his guts. I call him puny Pence.

Brooke Baldwin: Alright. Now, these comments have specifically offended women. What would you say to women voters watching this right now?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I would say this. Listen women, if you give me a chance I promise I can do a whole lot more than just grab it. I can also bop it, twist it and pull it.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Brooke Baldwin is disgusted.]

Brooke, I’m tired of talking about me, okay? We need to move forward and focus on the serious issues. I’d like to say my condolences and prayers to everyone affected by Hurricane Matthew. I love people in Florida and I hope that they stay safe. I love the people in Florida. I hope they stay safe.

Brooke Baldwin: Wow, that was actually a very nice thing to say, Mr. Trump. Um, thank you for being here.

Donald Trump: Thank you for having me.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, that was republican nominee Donald Trump. Joining us now to discuss more on this–

Donald Trump: Yeah, let me tell you something okay?

[Brooke Baldwin looking around]

Brooke Baldwin: What is that?

Donald Trump: I wish I was that hurricane [Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Donald Trump doesn’t know he is still on air and is speaking to someone.] tearing through all of that hot Miami pussy. Oh yeah. I would just destroy it.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump, we can still hear you.

[Donald Trump looks at the camera]

Donald Trump: Really? Then I apple-logize.

[Cut to Brooke Baldwin]

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, we now go live to Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters where they’ve just received news of the leak.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and her colleagues dancing and partying]

Hillary Clinton: [dancing] I’m sorry Brooke, I’m sorry I didn’t see you. We were so busy preparing for the debate tomorrow. I am studying so hard, I am really nervous for this one.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton pops a champagne bottle and drinks from the bottle.]

Brooke Baldwin: Secretary Clinton, what do you think about this leaked audio? I mean you must have had a hard time listening to it.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, I did. [looks at her colleagues] Take five, kids. [Her colleagues leave] Um, I did Brooke. It was incredibly disturbing. And when I heard it, I was deeply saddened. [smiling] It made me feel just horrible and very depressed. I’m sorry Brooke. I mean, it is a very, very sad day for our country and for all women, minus one. [winks]

Brooke Baldwin: I have to say, Mrs. Clinton, you seem pretty excited by this leak.

Hillary Clinton: Well, you know, it’s my reward Brooke, for every single thing I’ve been through in the last 30 years. White water, Benghazi, Mary J. Blige singing into my face for a full hour last week.

Brooke Baldwin: Now, since Mr. Trump’s comments were so bad.

Hillary Clinton: So, so bad. Just horrible. Horrible.

Brooke Baldwin: Do you think he should drop out?

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no. Give him a shot. He deserves that. But I would like to all of the women out there who heard Trump’s comments and are still voting for him. [joining her hands] My babies, your brain broke. I love you but this, you’re cray!

Brooke Baldwin: Okay, Mrs. Clinton. Thank you for your time. Thank you everyone at home for joining us. We’ll keep you posted.

Donald Trump: No, no, no. Let me tell you something.

[Cut to split screen with Brooke Baldwin and Donald Trump. Once again Donald Trump doesn’t know he’s on air.]

He’s a loser. He’s a huge, huge loser.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump?

Donald Trump: I mean, can you believe Ted Cruz endorsed me? Do you see that sad little video of him making calls for me? Talk about a pussy that I left to grab by the throat.

Brooke Baldwin: Mr. Trump, your microphone is still on.

[Donald Trump looks at the camera]

Donald Trump: What? It is? Then I would like to tell Ted Cruz in all sincerity, I stand by with that what I said. You’re a huge loser.  And also, live from New York it’s Saturday night.

Presidential Debate Cold Open

Lester Hold… Michael Che

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with The Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Lester Holt in his set]

Lester Holt: Good evening. From Hofstra University, I’m Lester Holt. [cheers and applause] And welcome to the first presidential debate. A quick reminder to our audience, there is no cheering, no clapping, and to the Trump supporters, no shirt, no shoes, no service. Now let’s bring out the candidates. First, she has been battling pneumonia and we hope she’s feeling better tonight. It’s secretary Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking in to her podium with support of cane.]

[cheers and applause]

[Hillary Clinton leaves her cane and rolls over her body]

Hillary Clinton: I’m better than ever. Let’s do this.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: And finally, he’s the man to blame for the bottom half of all his kid’s faces, it’s republican nominee Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in to his podium]

[cheers and applause]

Speaker Donald Trump: Good evening, America. I am going to be so good tonight. I am going to be so calm and so presidential that all of you watching are going to cream your jeans.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, let’s begin with you. Why are you a better choice than your opponent to create jobs and put money into the pockets of American workers?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, let’s– My opponent’s tax plan benefits the top Lester Holt% so much, it’s not just trickled down economics. It’s– I don’t know. I guess if I had to call up something off the top of the old dome with no prep, whatsoever, I don’t know. I guess I call it ‘Trumped up trickled down economics’.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: That’s very catchy, secretary. You just came up with that just now?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I did. Right off the stiff red cuff. [raising her hand. She is wearing a red suit.]

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: Hey, Jazz man. I’ve got a very presidential answer for this. Our jobs are fleeing this country. They’re going to Mexico, they’re going to Gina (mocking China), I will stop that. If Hillary knew how, she would have done it already, period, end of story. I won the debate. I stayed calm just like I promised. And it is over. Goodnight Hofstra.

[Donald Trump turns around and walks away]

Lester Holt: Donald! [Cut to Lester Holt] Donald. There is still 88 minutes left. It’s a 90 minute debate.

[Cut to Donald Trump on his podium]

Speaker Donald Trump: My microphone is broken. [Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton] She broke it with Obama. She and Obama stole my microphone. They took it to Kenya. They took my microphone to Kenya and they broke it and now it’s broken. [Donald Trump is sniffing] Can you hear that? It’s picking up somebody sniffing here. I think it’s her sniffs. She’s been sniffing all night. Testing. Testing. Gina. Gina. Huge Gina.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, what do you think about that?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I think I’m gonna be president.

[audience whooping]

I mean, this man is clearly unfit to be Commander in Chief.

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: He is a bully.

Speaker Donald Trump: Shut up.

Hillary Clinton: He started the birth removement.

Speaker Donald Trump: You did.

Hillary Clinton: He says climate change is a hoax invented by China.

Speaker Donald Trump: It’s pronounced Gina!

Hillary Clinton: He hasn’t released his tax returns which means he’s either not that rich–

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: Not that charitable–

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong.

Hillary Clinton: Or he has never paid taxes in his life.

Speaker Donald Trump: Warmer.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Let’s move on to national security. Mr. Trump, you’ve criticized Secretary Clinton for voting for the Iraq war, but you yourself supported the war–

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. You’re being very mean to me tonight, caltrain. Very mean to me. I was against the war. Ask anyone in the world named Sean Hannity. I told Sean Hannity. Call Sean Hannity.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: You told Sean Hannity on his show and that’s a proof?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: No, I told him in private. It was just me and Sean, late at night. I leaned over and I whispered in his ear, “Sean, I’m against the war in Iraq.” And then he whispered in my ear, “I am against the war too.” And the next thing I knew I was kissing Sean Hannity.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Moving right past that, the Iraq war is all about judgement. Secretary Clinton, do you think you have better judgement than Mr. Trump?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Yes, yes. Of course I do. Donald Trump has terrible judgement. He makes bad decisions. He spent his life cheating middle class labors. Laborers like my own human father who made, I guess drapes or printed drapes, or sold drapes, or um… something drapes and he was relatable and I am also relatable.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, same question. Why is your judgement better than Secretary Clinton?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: Because it is. I have the best judgement and the best temperament. She’s the one with the bad temperament. She’s always screaming. She’s constantly lying. Her hair is crazy. Her face is completely orange except around the eyes where it’s white. And when she stops talking, her mouth looks like a tiny little butt-hole.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, you have two minutes to respond.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, that’s okay. He can have mine too.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Okay. Mr. Trump, two more minutes.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: The thing about the blacks is that they’re killing each other.

[Cut to Lester Holt. He is shaking his head.]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

All the blacks live on one street in Chicago, all on one street. I just read that this morning. It’s called ‘Hell Street’. And they run Hell Street and they’re all just killing each other. Just like I am killing this debate.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, did you have a response?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. She looks very happy.]

Hillary Clinton: Um… Not a response, more of a request. Can America vote right now?

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Well, this has been an illuminating debate. But now it’s time for our final–

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Alicia Machado.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: I’m sorry. What was that? Who is Alicia Machado?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you for bring that up Lester. She is a strong, beautiful, political prop that I almost forgot to mention tonight, even though we already made a wet video about her. Alicia Machado was Miss Universe in 1996.

Speaker Donald Trump: Where did you find this?

Hillary Clinton: And Donald Trump called her ‘Miss Piggy’.

Speaker Donald Trump: No. How do you know this?

Hillary Clinton: And ‘Miss Housekeeping’.

Speaker Donald Trump: That’s pretty funny.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump, your response?

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton]

Speaker Donald Trump: Lester, why are we talking about this woman? We should be talking about the important issues like Rosie O’Donnell and how she’s a fat loser and everyone agrees with me. And I just wanted to bring that up in a presidential debate right at the end, my own good idea. I did it.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Secretary Clinton, why are you crying?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: I’m sorry Lester. It’s, this is going so well. It’s going exactly how I always dreamed.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Okay. And now it’s time to move on to the closing statements. Secretary Clinton, you’re first.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen America, I get it. You hate me. You hate my voice and you hate my face. Well, here’s a tip. If you never wanna see my face again, elect me president, and I swear to god I will lock myself in the Oval office and not come out for four years. But if you don’t elect me, I will continue to run for president until the day I die. And I will never die.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Mr. Trump. Final remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Speaker Donald Trump: You know what Lester? I was going to say something extremely rough to Hillary tonight, but I said to myself I can’t do it, I just cant do it. But if I had said it, it would have been a nuclear bomb because in the 90s, our president was a man named Bill Clinton. Not many people know this, but that man is her husband. And in 1998, get this, he had an affair. It’s true. My investigators are looking into it right now. It was a woman named Monica, very heavy. I don’t have her last name yet but when I get it, I’m gonna set my alarm for 3:20 AM and go sit on my golden toilet bowl and tweet about it until completion.

[Cut to Lester Holt]

Lester Holt: Oh my god! Just remind everyone at home, this was the presidential debate. Any final words?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump coming to the center together]

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Tracy Morgan Monologue

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tracy Morgan.

[Tracy Morgan walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tracy Morgan: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Na, I’m just playing. Y’all thought for a minute that was real. But I’m back. It feels so good to be here. You may have seen on the news, I was in a trouble car accident a year ago. It was awful. But also showed me how much love and support I have in this world. So, a couple of months ago I called Lorne Michaels. He’s my co-obi-one-knobi. And I said, “Lorne, when I get back on my feet I wanna come home.” And here I am.

[cheers and applause]

Yo, ay! People were wondering, “Can he speak? Does he have 100% mental capacity?” But the truth is I never did. I might actually be a few points higher now. I’m so lucky I have my comedy family. When this happened, I knew they would all be there to support me. Now, I already knew how much they cared about me. From a very special episode of 30 Rock where my character Tracy Jordan almost died. Take a look at this episode from 2012. It was pathetic. See? I know the word pathetic. My brain works! Anyway, take a look.

[Cut to Alec talking on the phone. The video is marked as ‘Original Air Date October 3, 2012’]

Alec: Thank you doctor. Keep us posted. Bad news, that was my good friend doctor Rand Paul. He says that Tracy technically died for seven minutes after trying to non artificially inseminate his box jellyfish. We don’t know if he’s gonna make it.

[Cut to Tina Fey, Jane Krakowski and Jack McBrayer looking at Alec. They all look concerned.]

[cheers and applause]

Tina: I mean, who would have thought that Tracy’s disgusting fantasies and his love exotic marine life would combine in such a tragic way.

[Cut to Alec]

Alec: Well, we all did, Lemon. That’s why we have an insurance policy that covers his penis being eaten by an arowana.

[Cut to Tina Fey and Jane Krakowski]

Jane: I hope Tracy pulls through this. He told me he was gonna get me backstage at the Grammy’s to meet Skrillex and Psy. [looking at the camera] Remember, this is 2012.

[Cut to Jack McBrayer.]

Jack: Oh! Mr. Jordan has got to get better. Who’s gonna teach me to drink Hennessy until I throw up on the Knicks. Who’s gonna remind me to expose myself to dogs to show them who is the alpha?

[Cut to Alec]

Alec: Well, okay, that’s to think about the loss. It’s only when someone or something is taken away from you that you realize how much you really missed it. And even things that seem silly and ridiculous at the time can leave a profound sense of loss when they’re gone. As my friend Kwotonomous Barlin once said–

[Tracy walks in]

Tracy: Boring!

Alec: Good god! Tracy!

Tracy: I’m black and better than ever.

[Jack gets in]

Jack: Jordan, you’re alive! Oh, let me smell your sour ears.

[Jane Krakowski gets in]

Jane: Tracy, I’m so happy that you’re alive. And if you receive any kind of insurance settlement because of this, I may also be in love with you.

Tracy: I love you too tiny Butt Jones. And I won’t miss any more shows, Jackie D. I learned my lesson. Animals that are beautiful and very sexual are not here for our amusement. And I promise you, I’ll never do stupid stuff again.

[Cut to Alec and Jack]

Alec: Well, thank you Tracy. But I gotta be honest, I was so worried that you weren’t going to make it. But you may find a cake that says, “Welcome, Cedric the Entertainer” in your dressing room.

[Cut to Tina]

Tina: And I just wanna say one last thing Tracy, from the heart, and this part is no joke. We’re so happy that you’re okay. We’re even happier that you’re ready to make people laugh again. Are those SMASH people under me? [SMASH show ad is under her]

[Cut to Tracy Morgan at the SNL monologue stage]

Tracy Morgan: As you can see, everything is going to be just fine. I got my family here, my cast, my crew and I’ve got my obi-one-knobi Lorne Michaels. So, let’s be funny. Everybody get up here, y’all!

[Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jane Krakowski and Jack McBrayer walk in]

We’ve got a great show for you. Demi Lovato is here. So stick around, we will be right back.

[cheers and applause]

Democratic Debate Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Jon Rudnitsky

Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam

Lincoln Chafee… Kyle Mooney

Jim Webb… Alec Baldwin

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Good evening and welcome to the first Democratic debate of the 2016 campaign. I’m your moderator Anderson Cooper and I hope I do you proud tonight, Kathy Griffin. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former governor of Maryland, Martin O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley walking to his podium]

Martin O’Malley: Hello. I’m Martin O’Malley. This is what my voice sounds like. This is what my face looks like. When I was bear of Baltimore, I did such a good job they made two TV shows about my city, Homicide and The Wire.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Former Road Island governor, Lincoln Chafee.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee walking to his podium]

Lincoln Chafee: Hey, everyone. I’m Lincoln Chafee. I used to be senator. That was fun. And now I’m here. This is fun too.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Former US senator, Jim Webb.

[Cut to Jim Webb walking to his podium]

Jim Webb: Hello. I’m Jim Webb and it’s about damn time I get to talk. What has it been? A thousand years? Here’s the deal. I fought in Vietnam. And I’m not gonna brag about how much ass I kicked but let’s just say I kicked every single ass.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Now that we’ve met those people, let’s bring out the real candidates. Former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to her podium]

Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. I think you’re really gonna like the Hillary Clinton that my team and I have created for this debate. She’s warm but strong. Flawed, yet perfect. Relaxed but racing full speed toward the White House like the T1000 from Terminator.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: And from the state of Vermont, senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders walking to his podium]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah! Hello, hello. Enough with the hellos. Let’s do this.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Senator Sanders, how are you?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m good. I’m hungry but I’m good. And now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna dialect right up to 10.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Go right ahead.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We’re doomed. We need a revolution. Millions of people on the streets. And we got to do something. And we got to do it now. Ah!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Bernie, pace yourself. Now, before we begin, we at CNN wanna say quick word to vice president Joe Biden. Joe, if you decide to run at any time tonight, we will happily make room for you on the stage. No press, but we’d love to have you. Wouldn’t we, candidates?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Uh-huh!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay. Let’s get started. This first question is for everyone. Senator Sanders, some of your opponents believe regulating Wall Street is enough. What is your position on the big banks?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Ah! Not a fan of the banks. They trap a lot in the middle class, they control Washington and why do they chain all that that pens to the desks? Who’s trying to steal a pen from a bank? It makes no sense. That’s why we gotta break up the banks into little pieces and then flush the pieces down the toilet so you can never put the banks back together. Then you just make the bankers pay for college for everyone. And America’s fixed! Ay!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: America, allow me to pop an ice cube in that scalding hot soup he just served you. We do need to fix things Bernie, but you’re promising everyone a golden goose. And there is no golden goose. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] So, America, follow me coz I got some chicken that will do.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I can find the goose. I found geese before and I can find them again. They congregate near ponds. It’s not rocket science.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Wait a minute, do you all like this? I’m not losing, am I? I mean in 2008, of course I lost. I was running against a cool black guy. But this year, I thought I got to be the cool black guy.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Excuse me, it’s me Jim Webb, your future president. I was promised I’d get time but I’ve had no time. Where is my time? Come on Anderson, lobe one at me. Give Jimmy W a shot and watch him sore.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, senator. Sure. Here is a question. You’re the only democrat up here with an A-rating from the NRA. Wanna tell us why?

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Pass!

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, our next question is for governor O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley. He was not ready.]

Martin O’Malley: Really?

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: No. It’s for Hillary. Senator Clinton, you’re struggled to put your scandal behind you.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: [interrupting] Ah! Sorry, just clearing my throat. Go on.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: What does the email scandals say about your ability to handle other crisis as president?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, I welcome this question because I rehearsed this one the longest.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: [interrupting] You know what? Can I just jump in here? This may not be great politics, but I think the American people are sick and tired of hearig about your damn emails.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Thank you.

[Hillary Clinton shakes her hand with Bernie Sanders]

Thank you, Bernie. Got, it must be fun to scream and cuss in public. I have to do all mine in tiny little jars.

Bernie Sanders: Hey, what’s the deal with emails anyway? [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I forgot my password the other day. So, they say we’ll email you a new one. But I can’t get in to my email to get the password. I mean, talk about a ball buster.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee]

Lincoln Chafee: Excuse me, Anderson. Not to be a little stinker, but I think the emails are a big deal. We need good ethics in the White House.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Secretary Clinton, do you want to respond?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Hillary Clinton: No.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, then. Next question, how would you each differentiate yourself from the Obama Administration?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: For me, I’m an outsider Anderson. I’m the only candidate up here who is not a billionaire. I don’t have super pack. I don’t even have a back-pack. I carry my stuff around loose in my arms like a professor, you know, between classes. I own one pair of underwear. That’s it! Some of these billionaires, three-four pairs. And I don’t have a drawer. I have to put my clothes on the radiator. So, who do you want as president? One of these Washington insiders? Or guy who has one pair, a clean underwear that he dries on a radiator? BernieSanders.com, check it out. It’s a mess.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen my teens and my twenty-somethings, I get it. He’s cool. He’s the song of the summer. He’s Trap Queen by Fetty Wap.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

But I’m the birthday song, guys, and you’re gonna be singing me until the day you die.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Excuse me. President Webb here. Where is my time? I know I’ve got this in the bag but I need some more time. So, come on Andy. Hit me with a question right between the eyes, direct shot right here.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, senator, here’s a question. You once said that affirmitive action is racist against whites. Explain.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: Pass.

[Cut to Anderson]

Anderson: Okay, it’s now time for one final statement from each of the candidates. We’ll begin with governor O’Malley.

[Cut to Martin O’Malley]

Martin O’Malley: America, let me just say this. I may not have been much to listen to tonight… [stops]

Oh, sorry. That’s all. You can cut away.

[Cut to Lincoln Chafee]

Lincoln Chafee: Oh, boy, what a debate. And to think the center of it all was me. Lincoln Dabbin Poor Chafee. Well, good night America. Bye forever.

[Cut to Jim Webb]

Jim Webb: America, I didn’t have enough time but I still crushed it. See you in the White House. President Webb out.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: This debate has been a blast. But let me leave you with one sobering thought. If you get into bed with Bernie Sanders tonight, you’re gonna wake up with President Trump tomorrow. So instead, get into bed with me, Hillary Clinton. You can be the big spoon and I’ll be downstairs hard at work.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: You know what I don’t understand, America? These podiums. What are you supposed to do with your elbows. Rest them on top? They too short! Anyway, I’m Bernie Sanders and come next November, I will be Hillary Clinton’s vice president.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is smiling and clapping.]

How cool is that?

[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders hug]

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Impeachment Fantasy Cold Open

John Roberts… Mikey Day

Judge Mathis… Kenan Thompson

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon

John Bolton… Cecily Strong

Hunter Biden… Pete Davidson

Donald J. Trump… Alec Baldwin

Adam Schiff… Alex Moffat

Vinny… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: After a months of anticipation, the impeachment trial of President Trump wound up consisting of two weeks of dry debate and posturing and will conclude without any witness testimony or new evidence. For those hoping for more, here is… THE TRIAL YOU WISH HAD HAPPENED!

[Cut to John Roberts in his chair hitting the gavel]

John Roberts: Order! Order in the chamber.

[cheers and applause]

I am Chief Justice John Roberts and I will be overseeing these proceedings with complete dis-interest.

[Judge Mathis walks in]

Judge Mathis: The hell you will be.

John Roberts: Oh! Judge Mathis?

Judge Mathis: That’s right. This court needs a real judge who got some big brass ones under his skirt. Scoot!

John Roberts: Okay, do you want my gavel?

Judge Mathis: Fool! I brought my own. Watch out!

[John Roberts leaves. Judge Mathis sits on the chair.]

Now, we about to do this trial right. Where is that sneaky little Mitch?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell walking in the courtroom through the door]

Mitch McConnell: Yes. Hello, I’m a sneaky little Mitch your honor. And I just want to remind the American people that all men are innocent after proven guilty.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You mean, until proven guilty.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Ha-ha-ha. Sure.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright. Let’s get Trump’s defense out here. Where is Lindsey Graham?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham walking in the courtroom through the door]

Lindsey Graham: Thank you your honor. [walks straight to a podium] Now, I may be a simple country but I have studied this from top to bottom. And I don’t see any other option.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You studied the case?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: No. I studied my chances of getting reelected and it ain’t gonna happen unless I kiss Mr. Trump’s skirts and tickle his biscuits. And that’s why I do declare that Mr. Trump is innocent, or my name is not Lindsey Valery Bobragart Matlock Graham.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: So, you’re not worried about how this will go down in history?

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: Look, where I come from, we have our own history books and all the cover of T-Rex is having a confederate flag to Jesus. Okay!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright. I am done with this nonsense. We are calling witnesses coz that’s how a damn trial works. John Bolton, get your ass in here!

[Cut to John Bolton walking in the courtroom through the door]

Judge Mathis: And Mr. Bolton, what do you have to say for yourself?

John Bolton: Your honor. The things I saw president Trump do inside made me deeply worried about the future of democracy.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And why are you only coming out with this now?

[Cut to John Bolton]

John Bolton: Coz I’m a messy bitch who loves drama.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Ooh! Now, this I like! Okay! Come on! Don’t leave me unread. Give me some of that hot tea. What else is in that book of your’s?

[Cut to John Bolton]

John Bolton: No, no! Sorry judge. No more free spoilers. But, you can preorder the book now. It’s called ‘Harry Potter and the room where it happened.

[Mitch McConnell stands up]

Mitch McConnell: Your honor, I object. If we’re hearing from John Bolton, we should hear from Hunter Biden too.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Oh, you know I’m calling Hunter Biden too. What do you think? I hate hilarious witnesses? The court calls Hunter Biden.

[Cut to Hunter Biden hoverboarding into the courtroom through the door]

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Well, Hunter, thank you for coming.

Hunter Biden: Hey, you’re not gonna believe this but my schedule was wide open.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And how exactly are you mixed up in all of this?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: Um, I’m not. The president is just kind of pointing at me to distract from his own crimes.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: And what’s your current job?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: Oh, I’m on the board of the Brazilian money laundering company called, um, Nepo-tismo.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: So, you admit you only got the job because of your father?

[Cut to Hunter Biden]

Hunter Biden: That’s right. I’ve been selling Biden steaks for my office at the top of Biden tower and letting foreign leader stay. Oh, wait! No, that’s the president’s sons. You burn!

[John Bolton rotates on his hoverboard.]

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Your honor, this is ridiculous. He clearly received money in exchange for political influence. Which reminds me,… [music playing] [advertising COAL] Coal, beautiful, clean, the way of the future. This one lump of coal can power a light bulb for almost two minutes.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham]

Lindsey Graham: And I’d like to do a quick one for guns. [advertising GUNS] Guns, you can’t watch a Super Bowl without a gun.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright, there will be no more ads in my courtroom.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Then, your honor, I would like to call three more lawyers on behalf of President Trump.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You, shut up. In this version of the trial, Trump is defending himself. The court calls Donald J. Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump walking in the courtroom with the help of mobility walker]

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, now, what is happening here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Your honor, I’m a very sick old man. How could I withhold aid from the Ukraine? I can barely get around the house.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: President Trump, are you trying to weinstein me right now?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: In which sense? Because Harvey and I overlap in a few areas.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Mr. President, what is your defense?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: My defense is very simple, your honor. I’m guilty but it ain’t nothing!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, that’s a warning. Do the democrats have a response? Adam Schiff?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: Thank you, your honor.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Mr. Schiff, are you crying?

[Cut to Adam Schiff]

Adam Schiff: No. It’s just my gecko eyes have been wide open for 86 straight hours.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There he goes Schifty Schiff, two shifts to the wind. She shifts, sea Schiff, by the Schifi-gy! I’m sorry. I just had one of my favorite mini-strokes.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Okay, I’m sorry. I’m not having it with the Schiff. I need a real lawyer. Who is around? Where is my cousin Vinny at?

[Cut to Vinny walking in the courtroom. He’s wearing leather jacket and a gold chain.]

Vinny: Hey, your honor. I object to this entire line of questioning!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: You object?

[Cut to Vinny]

Vinny: That’s right. You see, There’s no way this guy Trump only met with two yukes.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell]

Mitch McConnell: Um, two what? Did you just say yukes?

[Cut to Vinny]

Vinny: Yeah, two yukes, you know? Two Ukrainians!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: That is too dumb even for this, my cousin Vinny. You can leave. Thank you. President Trump, would you like to make a closing statement?

[Cut to Donald Trump. He’s wearing an enormous afro-hair wig.]

Donald Trump: I would, your honor.

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Take that Phil Spector wig off.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Okay, I actually thought it was an improvement, but fine! Ladies and gentlemen of this government place, what I’ve learned from this trial is that clearly nothing I do or say has any consequence, so I’d like to come clean about everything. The call with the Ukraine wasn’t perfect. It was illegal. And frankly it was a but dial. Also, I watch CNN all the time and it’s awesome. I hate the following states: Iowa, Michigan, Pennsylvanya, Arkansas and West-Virginia. West-Carolina, I’m sorry. I cheat all the time at golf, taxes, wives, elections and bathroom scandals. I’m not 239 pounds. I’m 475 pounds. And I don’t really need this walker either, although it helps me be lazier which I like. What else? Oh, I cut the funding to the CDC so this Wang Chung virus is really gonna be bad. But this trial has been incredible because I now have a best friend. Mitch McConnell, get in here Mitch!

[Mitch McConnell walks in]

He’s a ride or die bitch. And we’re gonna be linked forever, right Mitch?

[music playing]

Mitch McConnell: [singing] What have I done?

Who am I now?

Have I just thrown away all of my dignity

Am I a clown?

[John Bolton and Lindsey Graham walk in]

John Bolton and Lindsey Graham: [singing] That’s insulting to clowns!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: Alright, [hits his gavel twice] Judge Mathis finds the defendant guilty on all charges. He is fined $10,000 and I’m forcing him to say one nice thing about Nancy Palosi.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Fine! Her body is an eight!

[Cut to Judge Mathis]

Judge Mathis: I’ll take it. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

PBS Democratic Debate Cold Open

Judy Woodruff… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Democratic Debate on PBS.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

[cheers and applause]

Judy Woodruff: Hello, I’m Judy Woodruff and welcome to the Democratic Debate. Just like the bachelor, the further we go, the less diverse it gets. So, lets begin. From Massachusetts, it’s senator Elizabeth Warren.

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! In here, and I am in my element. PBS is my safe word. Last debate I gave you policy TMI and now I am ready to walk in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Also in the debate stage tonight is Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Well, my candidacy will be completely ignored by the media. That’s why I’ll conduct the rest of the debate in virtual reality! [Andrew Yang puts on his VR console on.] In here, I’m the front-runner.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff”

Judy Woodruff: He is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. It’s Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello, thanks you. It’s wonderful to be here tonight but I have to warn everyone tonight, I’ll be in attack mode, as long as it’s okay with you guys.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: The bang is glued, girlfriend. And tonight, my voice will be as solid as my carefully rehearsed mid western mom jokes.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m Bernie Sanders. I’m white, can’t help it. Let’s move on.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, all right.

[cheers and applause]

Hey. Notice anything different about me? Grandpa Joe got the glow up. I was Irish man. Younger, yep. Taller, sure. Better, no.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: And businessman Tom  St — wait. Mayor Bloomberg?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Cloomberg: Oopsie. Classic billionaire switcharoo.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Bloomberg, you did not qualify for this debate. How did you get here?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Well, for $Andrew Yang0 million, PBS is now owned by viewers like me. Look, I even got a tote bag.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Before we begin with the questions, does anyone want to prove they’re presidential by starting a petty little fight?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, raising hand desperately]

Elizabeth Warren: Yes! Yes! Judy, I just want to point out to everybody that mayor Pete here, held a billionaire fundraiser in a wine cave with crystals, dripping candelabras, basically “eyes wide shut” minus any sex appeal, whatsoever. Now, look, I’ve never even been to a wine cave. I haven’t even been to filene’s basement. Too much shimmer and shine.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Okay, I would just like to point something out, I’m the only person on the stage who isn’t a millionaire or a billionaire. I live on my mayor’s salary plus $Elizabeth Warren0 a week allowance from my parents, and that’s only if I do my chores.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Klobuchar, you’re looking assertive today. Is there something you would like to add?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. The only cave I ever go to is a man cave. I call it ‘The senate.’ For more of these classic zingers, please check out my stand-up special, “Land of Judy Woodruff0,000 laughs,” only streaming Costco+ streaming service.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, hey, quit picking on little Bo Pete over here. Kid’s trying his best. Speaking of, have you noticed that I’m playing with almost a full deck of cards tonight, huh? I haven’t even told the long rambling story yet, but I got one locked and loaded. Here it comes. [snaps his fingers] The year was Judy WoodruffKamala Harris whoops-a-daisy, and my pale white ass is strutting down the mean streets of Wilmington when I come across a group of fellas singing some doo-wop tunes surrounding a– one of those flaming trash can. Now, I know I need to be racially sensitive here, but it’s important for you to know his name was Ol’ Black Charlie.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: See, this is exactly why we need  to have more candidates of diversity on the stage.

[Kamala Harris walks in with a martini in her hand]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I could not agree more.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Harris, what are you doing here? You dropped out, remember?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, is this a debate? I had no idea. I was just in the neighborhood. But while I’m here, I just want to show you how good you could have had it, America. You withheld your donations, and I got tired of waiting, so I walked my fine ass out the door. You could have had a bad bitch.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Sanders, I’d ask you to also comment on the declining diversity in the debate field? I know you just want to talk about climate change.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I do. Look at me. Are you really surprised that my main concern is the temperature? At my house, I have a sharpie on the thermostat so I know if you move it. And let me tell you, no matter how hot the earth gets, I will not wear shorts. I swim in corduroy. Google “Bernie Sanders’ legs.” No results. Let’s keep it that way.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Okay, I think we should move on. Senator Klobuchar, do you believe the next president has a duty to fight corruption?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. When our next president is inaugurated, I think SHE will make SHE-ure that people are HER-d!

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I don’t know what’s going on, but I just wanna say I love the ladies. Okay? Even these tough broads. I have the utmost respect for all Lizzy woo and senator Kambucho over there. I do.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Maybe we need to have fewer debates. I think you’re hurting your cause.

[Cut to a speaker standing in front of Bernie Sanders and Amy Klobuchar]

Speaker: Speaking of hurting our cause?

Amy Klobuchar: Why you here?

Speaker: Democrats, I’ll get you, my party, and your little mayor, Too. [laughing evilly]

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Speaking of drama, president Trump was impeached this week. Assuming he is still candidate, can you beat him in

[Cuyt to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Probably not. I’m just doing this to get my steps in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Sanders, same question.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Look, Trump is the most corrupt president in our history and he’s not the only one lying to the American public. Amazon lies. Apple lies. Even my iPhone lies. Every time it says it’s at Judy Woodruff% battery, it stays on for at least Elizabeth Warren0 minutes. But then other times, it is at Joe Biden%, shuts down immediately.go figure! Apple, what are you trying to hide? And what is my password?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Look. Look. I’ll still beat Trump. Because when he gets to the senate judiciary committee, he’s going to wish he never heard my name.

[music playing][rapping]

It’s pronounced Kamala 

it rhymes with Pamala

it ain’t Camilla Cabello

it’s just Kamala

[music stops]

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Well, candidates, you’ve all spent the last two years talking smack about president Trump. But what if I told you — [Cut to Donald Trump in the backstage] He’s been backstage the whole time and he’s heard everything you said.  Come on out, Mr. President!

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump. You think I’m scared? You think I’m nervous? What are you going to do? Impeach me? Losers! Impeach me outside, okay? How about that? Impeach me outside!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: This is ridiculous. Why is he here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So people will actually watch this little freak show. This is the best the dems cosmetic come up with? Pocahontas? Sleepy Joe? I’m just gonna riff on some new ones. Mayor butt. Klobuchart. That’s good, that’s good. Scrooge McDuck, Ben and Jerry’s.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Okay!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There are no rules now that I’m impeached. You had it easy with Donald Trump Delirious, but now you’re going to get Donald Trump Raw, baby.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Listen up, Bucko. I challenge to you a push-up contest. Talking me, you, shirts off, nips out, first guy to do one wins. What do you say?

Donald Trump: Go ahead. I’m not afraid of anything.

[Nancy Pelosi walks in]

Nancy Pelosi: Are you sure you’re not afraid of anything?

Donald Trump: Oh, my god! Nancy Pelosi. I thought it was Krampus! Did you read the letter I sent you?

Nancy Pelosi: Oh, the one that was six pages, single spaced like a serial killer? No. I didn’t read it. I’m sorry. But I brought you two gifts Mr. President. They’re the articles of impeachment.

Donald Trump: Oh! Great! Give it to Mitch in the senate, and everything is gravy, baby.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay, but here’s the thing. You know how sometimes you get a gift and you like it so much that you keep it as a gift for yourself?

Donald Trump: You can’t do that.

Nancy Pelosi: Well, watch me. Good luck at the state of the union. Oh! And one more thing.

Everybody: Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!

Trump Impeachment Press Conference Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Gordon Sondland… Will Farrell

Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a helicopter ready to fly]

Media reporters: Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President, here.

[Starts with Donald Trump walks in front of the reporters]

[Cheers and applause]

Right here, Mr. President. Mr. President! Mr. President! Mr. President!

Donald Trump: Look, I know you probably have a lot of questions for me about this impeachment nonsense. And I’d love to answer every single one of them. Believe me, I do. But as you can see from this very loud running helicopter behind me, I’m in a big hurry right now, so I don’t really have the time. But, everything is perfect, okay? Thanks for all your questions. And I really should be heading out right now.

Cecily: Wait, Mr. President, [Cut to the reporters] just a few questions.

Kyle: Can you comment on Mr. Sondland’s damning testimony with your illegal dealings with Ukraine?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear your because of this lousy chopper behind me. But it sounds like you said Sondland’s testimony completely exonerated me, and I totally agree. I actually wrote down notes from his testimony that proves my innocence. I used the biggest, fattest, blackest magic markers I could find. I love black magic markers by the way. I know most people use sharpies, they smell like liquor. Like I was saying, I got to go to Michigan right now.

[Cut to the reporters]

Cecily: Exactly which part of Sondland’s testimony proves your innocence?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s right here in my notes of super important conversations I have had. I’ll read one but then I’ve got to split, okay? This is me and ambassador Sondland talking. He says to me, “What do you want?” And I answer, “Two large pies. Extra cheese, extra soft—” No, wait. That’s a different phone call. Oh, here it is. I said to Sondland, “I want nothing, no quid pro quo, bro.” See? It’s right here in black. Case closed. Okay? I have to get on this chopper now.

[Cut to the reporters]

Mikey: Hold on, Mr. President. That wasn’t the only conversation you have had with ambassador Sondland.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It doesn’t matter. I told him no quid pro quo at least once. Any quid after that is on them. That’s how it works. Like when you meet a girl and say, “If you’re a cop, you have to tell me.” Besides, I don’t know this ambassador Sondland guy. That’s fake news.

[Cut to the reporters]

Kyle: But he’s donated a million dollars to your inauguration.

Cecily: And you appointed him to the E.U.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, I know him, but I don’t know him, know him. I never like, met him in person. Look, I would love to exchange but this battery on this chopper is going to die very, very soon.

[Gordon Sondland walks in]

I’m holding everybody up, okay?

Gordon Sondland: No.

Donald Trump: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, it’s you, ambassador Sondland.

[Cut to the reporters]

Heidi: Mr. Trump. Can you at least elaborate on your comments yesterday on ‘Fox & friends’ where you said, “Adam Schiff wasthe whistleblower?”

[Cut to Donald Trump and Gordon Sondland]

Donald Trump: No, no, no. I never said he was the whistleblower, okay? It’s so great to finally meet you for the first time by the way.

Gordon Sondland: Oh, right, right. Keep the quid pro quo on the low-low, got it?

Donald Trump: Anyways, I just was leaving.

Gordon Sondland: Hang on. I want to go on the record and say you guys need to lay off my boy. Everybody loves his ass.

Donald Trump: Thank you.

Gordon Sondland: Ukraine, Russia—

Donald Trump: That’s enough, that’s enough.

Gordon Sondland: They’ll do anything for this man. I know. I asked.

Donald Trump: Alright. I gotta go. In conclusion, no quid pro quo.

Gordon Sondland: Oh, there definitely was.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.