Tag: Andrew Dismukes

Womens Theater

Molly… Melissa Villaseñor

Mikey Day

Curtis… Andrew Dismukes

Regina King

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Molly giving her presentation in school]

Molly: And with that extra floor, we can have extra classrooms and another gym.

Mikey: Okay, thank you Molly for that presentation on why our school should be taller. We’ll definitely think about it. Alright, we have one final performance in our assembly here today. Now sadly, the magician that was going to tech you about the dangers of J Walking couldn’t make it.

Curtis: No!

Mikey: I know, but we’re very lucky that an amazing backup was available instead. They are a feminist theater ensemble that performas feminist monologues at 11 PM at an underground book store that serves moscato. I wouldn’t take you to that show, but I invited them to do an age appropriate version for you guys and we are thrilled. So, without further due, Fembox.

[Fembox walk in. They are three.]

Regina: Hot and wet, my source of life
Soft place to land for his member
my elbow blossom
hairy and magical
touching my elbow at night
playing, learning
my elbow is my own
I only have one elbow

Molly: She only has one elbow?

Mikey: Oh god!

Kate: What’s with kids these days? Waxing their elbows?
In my day, we didn’t even know what an elbow was till our wedding night
and then you felt, “Wow, that thing’s got a mind of it’s own

Chris: Hah?

Curtis: They’re talking about their elbows but they’re pointing to their laps.

Aidy: Ay, tough girls got elbows too, okay?
Mine’s like a chevy bel air
it’s got a glaze on it like a creme donut
smells like WD-40
and you know what? You know who loved it?
every man I ever met

Heidi: [to Mikey] I thought you said they could change their material.

Mikey: I guess they changed it as little as humanly possible.

Regina: Our elbows, they birth our babies, they please our men, they gush the blood of life
Curtis: Do they?

Regina: Secret powers between my thighs,
my charisma, my juice, my joy, my fruit,
my secret South Carolina, my beautiful elbow

Chris: That ain’t even rhyme. These old ladies are messed up.

Kate: For the longest time, I was afraid to look at my elbow in the mirror
the other day, I decided to do it, just off the cobwebs
I thought, “Wow, this thing’s huge. And you know what? It ain’t half bad.”

Molly: My mom has big elbows too.

Heidi: That’s great, Molly.

Aidy: 1978, once I find my elbow, I was rubbing it against everything.
The bus, the sofa, air conditioners and every pillow in Poughkeepsie. Hey, hey, hey.

Mikey: Oh my god, they’re not even trying.

Curtis: Do I have a bad elbow?

Heidi: Yeah, I’m not sure this applies to you, Curtis.

Curtis: Yeah, I’m kidding. I figured out what they’re talking about.

Regina: Why do we come up with other names just to avoid saying ‘Elbow’?
Gash, critter, slit, see you next Tuesday

Heidi: That’s so much worse.

Curtis: [giggling] Critter.

Heidi: We’re not going to pay them, right?

Mikey: No, they didn’t ask for our money. Just to use our library. None of them have printers.

Kate: I love my elbow just the way god gave it to me.

Heidi: That’s actually a pretty good message.

Kate: I told my husband, “Look, this is the elbow you married, this is the elbow you’re going to get. And it’s not like you’re going to win any prizes for your four inch flaccid dong.

Heidi: Yeah, never mind.

Mikey: It’s fine. The parents actually had no problem with the penis content.

Aidy: Everybody in this room, you either have an elbow or you came from an elbow.

Regina: Whether your’s is big or small.

Kate: A grilled cheese or a sloppy Joanne.

Aidy: It’s about confidence.

Regina, Kate and Aidy: Confidence.

Aidy: Coz when you love yourself…

Regina: That’s right.

Aidy: You’re going to be surrounded by love.

Kate: You sure are.

Aidy: You are going to have love…

Regina, Kate and Aidy: Up to your vaginas.

[Mikey runs in]

Mikey: Okay. We are done. Sorry, guys. That was not appropriate at all.

Chris: That was actually pretty empowering.

Students: [cheering] Elbows! Elbows! Elbows!

70s Green Room

Maurice… Bowen Yang

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

Fliona… Regina King

Maxine… Aidy Bryant

Mickey… Kenan Thompson

Marty… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with two guys talking about the show in the studio back stage. It’s in Chicago, 1978.]

Maurice: Alright, Kenny. We have to make sure everything is perfect for Fliona show tonight. My job is the line. I have 14 strikes against me. And it’s 15 strikes system.

Kenny: Sounds complicated.

Maurice: Well, she’s very particular.

Kenny: Well, I’ve heard. Everyone has heard of Fliona.

Maurice: Shut up. Here she comes now. Go.

[Fliona walks in]

Fliona: Maurice, you have to got to get us a new tour bus driver. He tried to tell me about his family.

Maurice: I’m sorry, Fliona. That’s the last snafu of the night, I promise.

Fliona: Well good, coz I’m going to be doing all my moves tonight. The seatbelt, the funky turtle, the reach-around. So everything has got to be perfect. And dammit, I’m hungry.

Maurice: Well mama, it’s all good because I sent them your ride a weeks ago. And they got every snack on your list.

Fliona: Good. So they got my yellow M&Ms?

Maurice: No, they do not.

Fliona: What? What did they get? My Danishes?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: My big pizzas?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Little pizzas?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Shasta?

Maurice: No shasta.

Fliona: Sanka?

Maurice: No sanka.

Fliona: Cocuts?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Hot chops?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Baby carrot?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Grown carrot?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: What about my tuna twist?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Well, I know they got my big ham sandwich. But the ham is cue?

Maurice: Fliona, none of the food is here, Fliona.

Fliona: Well, what do they have?

Maurice: This tiny dry salad.

Fliona: Undressed? [Fliona slaps Maurice] Dammit, Maurice. I can’t have a repeat of Tucson. They forgot my shasta and my vocal cords are locked.

Maurice: I remember, Fliona. You know what? Let’s get you into hair and make up while I make this right. Maxine’s here. She’s all set up.

Maxine: Yep, I got everything on the list, Maurice sent me.

Fliona: Everything?

Maxine: Everything.

Maurice: So you got the afro-sheen?

Maxine: Don’t got it.

Maurice: Curl sticks?

Maxine: No.

Maurice: Curl cream?

Maxine: Nah-ah.

Maurice: Bobby pins?

Maxine: No.

Maurice: Shiny for lip?

Maxine: No way.

Maurice: Shiny for eye?

Maxine: No how.

Maurice: Shiny for cheek bone.

Maxine: Never.

Maurice: Okay, vaseline?

Maxine: Forgot.

Maurice: Aquanet?

Maxine: Forget.

Maurice: El-net?

Maxine: That’s what?

Maurice: Mascara?

Maxine: No ma’am.

Maurice: Perfume?

Maxine: I’ll give you one guess.

Fliona: Well, what did you bring, girl?

Maxine: A little brush.

Fliona: Dammit, Maxine. Slap Mourice. [Maxine slaps Fliona and runs out.] Maurice, this is feeling like Tucson all over again. And you know I wasn’t nominated for Disco Grammy this year.

Maurice: I know, Fliona. Will you feel better if you slap me again?

Fliona: Yes.

[Fliona slaps Maurice three times]

[Mickey and Marty walk in. They are wearing leather jackets and are carrying guitars.]

Mickey: Ay, is this a bad time? I heard people are getting smacked in here.

Maurice: Fliona, this is Mickey and Marty. They’re the band for tonight.

Marty: It’s an honor to meet you, Ms. Fliona. We’re huge fans of your’s.

Fliona: Good. So, you must know all my songs. Right?

Mickey: Oh yeah, every one of them.

Fliona: “Disco Twilight”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Hot Band’s Child”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Nasty Christmas”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: What about “Beep Beep Hoo Hah It’s Me”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Beep Beep Ho Hey Look It’s Charice”?

Mickey: That one sounds familiar but no.

Fliona: Maurice, you are this close to strike 15.

Maurice: Well, you know what? Let’s just set up and we’ll teach the songs. Mickey, you brought the xylophone, right?

Mickey: You know I didn’t.

Maurice: Metronome?

Mickey: You know I won’t.

Maurice: Gramaphone?

Mickey: That’s an old sounding record player.

Maurice: Flute?

Mickey: I play bass.

Maurice: Fute?

Mickey: I play bass.

Maurice: Didgeridoo?

Mickey: What’s that?

Maurice: Flerdigurdi?

Mickey: You making fun of me?

Maurice: Theremin?

Mickey: If you get a cut on your leg, put some feramin on it.

Maurice: Kalimba?

Mickey: Who?

Maurice: Flier?

Mickey: You are.

Maurice: Maraca?

Mickey: Absolutely not.

Maurice: Just ready the drums.

Mickey: Yeah, I got those.

Maurice: Well great, where are they?

Mickey: Oh, you want them here?

Fliona: Well, what did you bring?

Marty: We brought bass and two amps.

Fliona: Dammit Maurice. [Mickey punches Maurice] Thank you, baby.

Mickey: No problem.

Maurice: Wait! You know what, Fliona? You don’t need all this stuff. Everything you need is inside of you. Baby, you’ve got it.

Fliona: You mean I’ve got talent?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: Style?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: Pretty arms?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: And then ass higher than Mount Kilimanjaro?

Maurice: Oh, yes.

Fliona: Okay, boys. Then let’s disco do this gig.

Kenny: Fliona, baby. You gotta go out there and do you thing. Anyone who’s anyone is in the crowd tonight.

Fliona: Who? Lil’ Jimmy?

Kenny: Yeah, Jimmy’s here.

Fliona: Really? What about Cletus Jones?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: John Wayne Brady?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Mrs. Perkins?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Pastor Chris?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Rabbi Shmooly?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Fliona?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: See? That’s me. I tricked you.

Kenny: Oh!

Universal Tram

Jeremy… Mikey Day

Dana… Ego Nwodim

Tobey… Dan Levy

Gru… Bowen Yang

Kenan Thompson

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with 1 guiding the guests during the tour.]

Jeremy: Welcome to the Universal Studios Tram Tour, back in action after eight prolonged absence. My name is Jeremy and behind the wheel is Dana. And even though she loves the film, she promises she won’t drive too Fast and Furious today. Right Dana?

Dana: Don’t involve me.

Jeremy: Alright. Fun! Helping me out today is a tour guide in training. Come on up here, Tobey. Say hi.

Tobey: Okay. Actually is Thlobby, pronounced with T-H. And I’m sorry I’m a little jittery. I’ve been here since 6 AM and I was waiting. So, I’m drinking coffee and I never drink coffee. So, it’s just kind of like, “Wad up?” You know? Okay, I’ll stop talking. But I think I like coffee now.

Jeremy: Alright. Let’s get started.

Kenan: Wow! Yeah! Let’s see some movie props.

Jeremy: Alright. Glad you’re excited sir. Alright folks, if you’re not looking at the left side of the tram, please yaba-daba-do so because you’ll see the car from 1993’s, “The Flinstones”. Tobey, take it away.

Tobey: Ha-ha. Great Scot. To your right is one of seven deloreans used in “Back To The Future” franchise which, oh my god– Okay, I read the craziest fan theory about that movie. So like, why does this teenager hang out with his old inventor guy? So, the theory was the doc basically like, groomed Marty to like… molest him?

Jeremy: No.

Tobey: But then the doc regretted it, so the reason that he built the machine was to go back in time to prevent himself from [whispering] molesting Marty. Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have said it but I don’t see any kids on this tram.

Jeremy: Okay. Well, I do see kids.

Dana: That theory makes sense though. Dark as hell but it makes sense.

Jeremy: Okay. Let’s move away from that topic please. Alright. And look to your left side, my right. If those bikes look familiar, it’s because they played a key role in getting ET back.

Tobey: Ha-ha. Okay. ET looks like a ball sack came to life. Change my mind.

Jeremy: Hey, Tobey. Family park, family language.

Tobey: I am so sorry. I’m just nervous and I had never drank coffee.

Jeremy: Okay, Tobey, put the coffee down for a bit and take us through this next section.

Tobey: Oh. Welcome to Jurassic Park. Both sides of the tram are props and vehicles from all of the Jurassic films. Okay, wait, wait. What is that old joke? What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotopus.

Jeremy: Okay, we don’t make jokes like that here.

Dana: Ha-ha. I get it. That’s good. Smart too.

Kenan: Um, I don’t get it. Could you explain?

Jeremy: We’re not going to explain that. Alright? But the Jeep too in my right, your left, is where Dennis Nedry squared off with a spitters, dinosaur’s deadly poison. Played by Wayne Knight, best known as Seinfeld’s Newman–

Tobey: Oh my god. Okay. So, that guy, I can’t believe I’m telling you this but what have I got to lose? Newman from Seinfeld is my softner. Okay? If I’m ever getting aroused down there at the wrong time, like at the gym or something, I think of that guy to like, soften things up. I’ll just be on the elliptical going “Newman from Seinfield, Newman from Seinfield”. Ha-ha. Let’s now put it up to the tram. What do you think? What are your softners?

Kenan: Um, Dobby the elf from Harry Potter. Nasty.

Jeremy: Okay. Thank you sir, but we’re not gonna do that.

Dana: Mine is Mr. Bean, goofy dudes don’t get a slick for me.

Tobey: I know, right?

Jeremy: Guys, please, alright? At this time, how about I welcome any groups joining us today. Hello and apologies to the Sun Coast church Christian Youth Fellowship.

Andrew: Do I have to say my softner?

Jeremy: No, no, you do not young man. Oh-oh. Guys, it looks like someone despicable is approaching the tram. Oh, it’s Gru from Despicable Me/Minions franchise.

Gru: It smells like tourist in here.

[Tobey looking at Gru]

Tobey: Dylan? He used to be my best friend. But you want to talk about the despicable, he got into coke and ditched me for all of his shady coke-head friends.

Gru: Ha-ha. What? No.

Tobey: Stop doing that, Dylan. You’re going to die.

Gru: Okay, bye. Enjoy the park.

Jeremy: Okay. Tobey, really need you to stay on the script, okay? Now folks, we’re heading to the Skull Island, home of King Kong.

Tobey: Okay. I cannot hear King Kong without thinking of the night I lost my virginity. It is the craziest story.

Jeremy: Okay. Give me your mic.

Tobey: Why?

Jeremy: Okay. Give me your mic.

Keman: Let the man talk.

 

Supermarket Sweep

David Ruprecht… John Krasinski

James… Chris Redd

Dina… Ego Nwodim

Billy… Andrew Dismukes

Riba… Lauren Holt

Kris… Aidy Bryant

Gina… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with TV show schedule]

Female voice: You’re watching the Game Show Newtork’s 90’s Throwback Night. At 8, it’s Dogs vs Kids. At 9, it’s The Great American Slime Race. But now, it’s a classic 1991 episode of Supermarket Sweep.

[cut to the show set]

David Ruprecht: Hello and welcome back to Supermarket Sweep. It’s jeopardy for food. I’m your host David Ruprecht. Let’s meet today’s contestants. James and Dina. Billy and Reba. And Kris and Gina. Welcome to the show. James and Dina, how do you know each other?

James: We’re dating.

Dina: We’re engaged.

David Ruprecht: Terrific. Billy and Reba?

Billy and Riba: We’re married.

David Ruprecht: Very nice. And Kris and Gina. How do you two know each other?

Gina: We are very good friends.

Kris: Yes. We breed pugs

Gina: We also share clogs.

Kris: Yes. And one bedroom home in Vermont.

David Ruprecht: Super. Alright. You excited for sweep?

Gina: Oh sir, yes sir.

Kris: We have a dozen rescued animals with different unmanageable medical conditions that require separate diets.

Gina: We know the supermarket like the back of our strong women’s hand.

David Ruprecht: Well, that sounds good to me. Okay. Let’s get to the most famous part of Supermarket Sweep, the little quiz about grocery items. Who’s ready? Alright. So, here we go. Laid by a feathered bird on two legs, this breakfast oval is known as…

[Kris and Gina pressing the buzzer button]

Kris: Eggs.

Gina: It’s eggs.

Kris: Eggs.

David Ruprecht: Very good. Kris and Gina.

[Gina and Kris look at each other]

Gina: I love you.

[Gina and Kris kiss]

Kris: You’re my king.

David Ruprecht: Little friendship kiss there. And wow! Eggs are a $100 bonus items. So Gina, go find those eggs.

Gina: Okay, [pointing at Kris] this is for you

Kris: Go my provider.

[Gina runs towards the grocery section of the set and brings in the eggs.]

Gina: I love you.

Kris: Come on. Get those eggs.

Gina: Got em’. God, I missed you.

Kris: I missed you so much.

Gina: That was crazy for me.

Kris: I am sick when you are not here.

Gina: Let’s never do that again.

[Dina presses the buzzer button]

Dina: Egg

David Ruprecht: That is correct but little late. Great job to the gal pals but couples, you’re still in this. Okay, here’s your next clue. If you’re running late–

[Kris and Gina pressing the buzzer button]

Kris and Gina: It’s ketchup.

David Ruprecht: That is correct.

Riba: [to Billy] Why didn’t you say ketchup?

Billy: They’re so fast.

Riba: Don’t yell at me.

Billy: Don’t emasculate me on TV.

David Ruprecht: Oh, trouble in paradise. Now, let’s learn a little bit about our front runners. What do you guys do for work?

Kris: I have a doctorate in grocery riddles.

Gina: That’s right. And I’m a unitarian minister.

David Ruprecht: Neat. What would you do with the money if you win?

Kris: Well, our blind horse needs a full time nurse.

Gina: Yeah. My snow shoes are looking a little ratty.

Kris: Yeah. And I do need titanium ankles because mine are just sort of bone on bone.

David Ruprecht: Ouchie! Well, good luck catching up, couples, because these two are really in sync.

Gina: Yeah, we got a really good thing.

Kris: Yeah. This woman taught me how to trust.

Gina: Sometimes I lie awake praying that we die in the same moment.

[Dina presses the buzzer button]

Dina: [pointing at James] Now, why doesn’t he talk about me like that?

James: What did I do?

Dina: Don’t talk to me.

James: I don’t know what to tell ya’. Pairs of friends like this do really well on our show. In fact, let’s take a moment to give a shoutout to our previous winners this season. They’re Sam and Karen. [both women] Jan and Rebecca. [both women again] Kelly and Rone. [both women again] And Ellen and Portia. [both women again] Alright. Kris and Gina, since you’re in the lead, you’ll get to do the mini-sweep. Now, if you find the specially marked golden blue-berry, you’ll win $5000.

Gina: I got this and I got you, babe.

Kris: Thank you for today and all the days in the future and all the days that we have had forever together.

David Ruprecht: And go!

[Kris and Gina run towards the grocery section. Kris falls down because of her ankle problem.]

Kris: Ouch! Oh god! Oh, no. Oh, my ankles. You gotta go on without me.

Gina: No. I’m never leaving you again.

Kris: You will have to.

Gina: Oh, like hell I do.

David Ruprecht: 40 seconds on the clock.

Kris: Look at me, Gina. You are my world. And all the deaf donkeys we have raised from bottle call, you mother.

David Ruprecht: 20 seconds left, girls.

Gina: [pointing at David Ruprecht] Shut up.

Kris: Yes, you shut up. You shut the hell up and let me talk to my friend. [talking to Gina now] Now, I was gonna wait, but your mother to die before I did this. [Kris pulls out an engagement ring.]

Gina: Oh my god.

Kris: Gina, will you do me the honor of marrying us?

Gina: Yes. By the power vested in my by the store Vermont unitary, you may now kiss the friend.

Kris: Oh baby.

[Kris and Gina start making out on the floor]

David Ruprecht: Well, time’s up and you didn’t find the blueberries. But on the bright side, I’m thinking about asking one of you out. Well, thanks for watching, America. Goodnight.

Subway Pitch

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Rocky…John Krasinski

Dino… Beck Bennett

Brandon… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with 5 members of Subway in a meeting]

Kenan: Alright guys. It’s time to talk about future of Subway. Let’s face it. We need a rebrant.

Chloe: Agreed. Our last successful promotion was the $5 footlong. It’s time to bring Subway into the 2020s.

Ego: Yes. It’s time for some new ideas.

Rocky: I’ll tell you what. I couldn’t agree more.

Dino: Yeah. We got a lots of new sandwich ideas for sandwiches.

Kenan: Well, Rocky and Dino, you’ve been Subway’s go-to idea guys for the past 30 years.

Rocky: Let me tell you, it has been honor of my life.

Dino: We’re very proud of our legacy.

Kenan: As are we. But maybe it’s time to get a fresh voice in the mix.

Ego: Jina, could you send Brandon in, please?

[Brandon walks in]

Brandon: Knock, knock. Hi. Very excited to be here.

Rocky: Oh. Who’s the hit guy?

Brandon: The name’s Brandon. Brandon Fudgeit, actually. Came over from Chipotle.

Rocky: Oh, burritos. Very interesting

Dino: Yeah. We don’t do burritos here. We do sandwiches kid.

Brandon: Well, I’m not a kid. I’m a man. And what does every man want? Protein. Lots of it. Look, Subway used to be the quick healthy option but bread is bad. So, picture this. Sandwiches without the bread.

Ego: Oh.

Chloe: Okay.

Brandon: Now, you can eat a bowl full of salami or bologna with a fork and a knife.

Ego: Okay, wow. This is exactly what we were looking for.

Dino: Hey, can I ask you something? You got braindamage?

Brandon: What? No. My brain is fine.

Rocky: So, this is like a fetish I don’t know about? Like, you get off by watching people eat a bowl of ham?

Dino: Oh! That’s gross.

Brandon: No. It’s not a fetish. The Subway Protein Bowl is what young people want. I’m sorry but you guys are out of touch.

Rocky: Hey! You have some respect, alright? You know who we are? Okay? We found Jared.

Dino: That’s right. We’re the Jared guys. You see, me and Rocky were more than just salesmen. We’re story tellers. We sold Subway by telling the story of Jared.

Rocky: Yeah. You don’t bring Subway into the 2020s with a bowl of salami, okay? You do it with a story.

Kenan: Okay. And how do you propose we do that?

Dino: We bring back Jared.

Rocky: Yes.

Kenan: No. Stop it. Rocy, Dino, stop trying to bring back Jared. We told you that can never happen. He’s a bad man.

Brandon: Look, Mr. Rocky, Mr. Dino, I’m not trying to disrespect all that you guys have done for Subway. I mean, I love the $5 footlong jingle.

Rocky: Yeah, that wasn’t us.

Dino: Yeah, that was someone else. We pitched a different version.

Rocky and Dino: [singing] Subway’s a sandwich restaurant
we’re known for Jared
so if you want a sandwich
then Subway is an option
if you have $5
then you can buy a sandwich
but it won’t get you cookies

Kenan: Enough! Rocky, Dino, let Mr. Fudgeit finish.

Dino: So, with all due respect if you sell these bologna, I’m gonna kill myself.

Rocky: Me too, boss.

Kenan: Jesus, guys. You can’t say that at work. I’m gonna have to let you both go for that.

Dino: Oh, you’re gonna fire us for threatening to kill ourselves?

Rocky: Well, now we’re definitely gonna kill ourselves.

Dino: Yeah.

Kenan: Okay, fine. You’re not fired.

Dino: Oh, we’re not fired because we’re important to the team? Or because we said we were going blow our brains out?

Ego: It’s because you threatened suicide yes.

Rocky: Good. Glad to know that that works.

Dino: Okay. Work back. Welcome to the team, kid.

Bullies

Damien… Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Punkie Johnson

Nate… Pete Davidson

John Krasinski

[Starts with a boy reading a book in school. Other boys walk up and start bullying him.]

Kyle: What’s up, loser?

Mikey: What you reading there, ass lick? Little comic book?

[Kyle seizes the book from Damien]

Damien: Give it back!

Punkie: Or what? You gonna cry?

Nate: Little bitch is gonna cry.

[John sees them]

John: Hey! Leave my little brother alone.

[John takes the book back and passes it to Damien]

Nate: Alright, John. Whatever, man. Chill.

John: No, I’m not gonna chill, Nate. Because to be honest, I’m sick of dumb asses like you messing with him. So he’s not captain of the football team, so what? This guy is still cool.

Damien: Thanks, John.

John: So what if he’s never kissed a girl? Big freaking deal? This guy practices kissing all the time.

Damien: Not all the time.

John: And guess what? News flash! Our mom says he’s getting pretty damn good at it.

Kyle: Wait, what?

John: Oh, you think he’s weird, right? Why? Because he sleeps in our parent’s bed when he’s scared?

Damien: Sometimes.

John: Or is it because he has to wear prescription charcoal underwear for his medical gas?

Damien: [embarrassed] Busted!

John: I’ll tell you what? I think he’s brave.

Mikey: Yo, this bitch? Brave? I don’t know about that.

John: Oh, you don’t? Okay. Cast your mind, imagine this. Going into the school bathroom and taking a dump so bad, they had to cancel classes.

Damien: No.

John: But still somehow, he shows up to school the next day with his head held high. He did that.

Punkie: That was you?

Damien: No. Maybe.

John: You look at Damien and all you see is a loner. Right? A loser. A kid with a list of jocks name in his wallet.

Mikey: That’s concerning.
John: To you he’s just a kind that won’t take off his shirt in gym class, right?

Damien: Alright, let’s get out of here.

John: But if you had a birthmark shaped like a swastika, you wouldn’t either!

Damien: Please stop.

Kyle: I’m with Damien, John. Maybe just stop.

John: Why? So you can make fun of him again about his inverted nipples?

Punkie: I didn’t even know about that.

John: Or his inverted foreskin maybe?

Nate: Or that.

John: See, maybe if your foreskin grew down toward the base instead of up towards the tip, you would have a little bit of sympathy for what this dude has been through.

Damien: It’s not that weird.

John: 15 surgeries to correct it.

Damien: Minor ones.

John: Constant cleaning, q-tips, alcohol.

Damien: Alcohol! Party time.

John: And still our mom sends him back to have it redone. Why? Because it doesn’t look right.

Damien: Everyone’s a critic.

Mikey: Wait, sorry. Your mom?

John: You know what? He’s my brother. And he’s cool enough for me. Let’s go, Damien.

[When Damien bends over to get his back, his pants are wet.]

Punkie: Oh! He doogied himself!

John: Hey! Don’t think it was your bullying that made him do that. Okay? Because that has been there all day.

Damien: Yeah!

John: Yeah!

Blue Georgia

Sheriff… John Krasinski

Lee… Pete Davidson

Ms. Crystal… Aidy Bryant

William… Beck Benett

Biscuit… Kenan Thompson

Jimmy… Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffatt

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Blue Georgia intro]

Song: Blue Georgia, sweet Blue Georgia
you’re a friend of mine.

[Cut to Sheriff and Lee getting in a restaurant]

Sheriff: Hey there, Ms. Crystal.

Ms. Crystal: Oh, Sheriff. Ain’t you a side?

Sheriff: I just wanted to stop by so you all can meet my cousin, Lee, from out of town.

Ms. Crystal: Well, look at you. Where are you coming from, Lee?

Lee: New York city.

Ms. Crystal: New York city? Well, welcome. Good to see you fellow blue stator. We’re just like y’all.

Lee: I mean, I doin’t know if you’re just like us.

Sheriff: Oh, no. We bet we are. See, Georgia is all blue now. Maybe heard about our election on the news?

Ms. Crystal: Oh, yes. Don’t get me started on the news. I can’t stand that CNN with it’s corporate, neo-liberal, both-sides nonsense. Just give me my Rachel Maddow on MSNBC any day.

Sheriff: A-women to that, Ms. Crystal.

Lee: Okay.

Ms. Crystal: Well so, what are y’all having?

Lee: Well, I heard a lot about southern food, so just give me the special.

Ms. Crystal: Okay, you got it. One avocado, one gluten free toast.

Sheriff: And I’ll have your beyond meat loaf.

Ms. Crystal: Got it.

[Sheriff and Lee sit at a table. There’s William sitting right there.]

William: Sit down, Sheriff. My name is William He-him, but everyone calls me Skeeter.

Sheriff: Skeeter owns the electric truck dealership down yonder.

Ms. Crystal: Yeah, and I’m Crystal. She-ma’am.

Sheriff: And over there is old Biscuit He-him. Down to some good read there, Biscuit?

Biscuit: Oh, yes indeed. Just reading from the good book “Becoming” by Michelle Obama.

Sheriff: Ain’t that a good book? I tell you, ain’t nothing finer than reading on your solar heated porch, sipping lemonade through a reusable metal straw.

Lee: Hey, before we eat, I should wash my hands. You know where the men’s room is?

William: Yes, back in 2015. We don’t have men’s room. But all-gender restroom is just down the way.

Lee: Oh. You guys have all-gender restroom?

William: Oh-oh, Sheriff, I think your cousin thinks we’re all crazy Christian types.

Lee: No, no. I never said that. Even if you, it’s fine. I mean, I’m Jewish.

William: Hold on. You’re Jewish?

Lee: Yeah.

William: Well, I hope you know what we do to Jewish folks down here in Georgia. We elect them. Ha-ha-ha.

Sheriff: Yeah. I don’t know if you heard but we got a 33 year old Jewish senator now. Mazel tov, y’all.

Ms. Crystal: Wow, that Ossoff fellow makes these cheeks a-blush.

Sheriff: Ms. Crystal!

Lee: Where am I?

[Another policeman walks in]

Jimmy: Sheriff! Sheriff!

Sheriff: Now, slow down there, Jimmy. What seems to be the big emergency?

Jimmy: Oh, Sheriff, it was crazy. All these black lives matter folks just came down to the station and wanted to protest in our town. Well, I was just so honored. I filled the permits right away.

Sheriff: Well, that’s mighty kind of you, Jimmy. Tell them they can stop by next week.

Jimmy: Will do. I’m so nervous. Should I wear my bla-shiki?

Sheriff: Now, wouldn’t go doing that, Jimmy. See, you might be appropriate.

[Alex walks in with his MAGA hat on and takes a seat.]

Ms. Crystal: [getting nervous] Well, I never!

[Sheriff walks to Alex]

Sheriff: Excuse me. You lost?

Alex: Um, no. Just want to get something to eat. I’m here from Florida.

Ms. Crystal: Oh!

William: Well, la-di-da!

Sheriff: Sir, I don’t know what they’re teaching over there in Florida, but this here is Georgia. This is Stacey Abrams’ country.

Biscuit: The republic of Stankonia.

William: Birth place of REM and TLC.

Sheriff: Sir, why don’t you let Jimmy here drive you to the state line before any trouble starts.

Alex: Trouble? Don’t bother, I’ll see myself out. [walks to the door and looks back at everybody] Ay, what happened to y’all anyway? Georgia has changed.

Biscuit: Yeah, science is real and love is love. Tell us something we don’t know, sucker!

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Excuse me. I’m from the health department. You’ve got a big problem. No one in this entire town is wearing a mask.

Ms. Crystal: Well, that’s coz we’re free!

Jimmy: Hoax!

Lee: Now, that’s Georgia.

U.S.O. Performance

Colonel… Alex Moffat

Aubra July… Kristen Wiig

Garrett… Bowen Yang

Mikey Day

Andrew Dismukes

Marjorie… Dua Lipa

[Starts with Christmas Eve 1944. Two military men are dancing and the others are clapping. Then

Boys: [saluting] Sir!

Colonel: At ease, boys. Well, I hope to see those feet move that fast on the battle field.

Boys: Thank you sir. [They walk away]

Colonel: Can’t believe there’s this much talent in our very own 170 first division. And here to lift your spirits on Christmas Eve, you my recognize her from the medic tent. It’s nurse Aubra July.

[Aubra July walks in. She’s looking very pretty. The military men are clapping hard.]

Mikey: I like what I see

Andrew: Santa came after all.

Garrett: What a woman!

Aubra July: Well, I may be a lousy medic but let’s see if I can be half decent singer.

Colonel: Ha-ha-ha. Alright. Simmer down, now, fellas. Just sit on your helmets and enjoy.

Aubra July: Now, I know you boys miss home this Christmas eve. Maybe you’re missing someone special. Well, I’ve got a song just for you. But first, I need a volunteer.

[All the military men are raising their hands]

Boys: Me! Me! Me!

Aubra July: How about you, handsome?

[Garrett walks to the stage]

Andrew: Private Garrett’s the toughest guy in our unit.

Mikey: Yeah. This should be gas.

Aubra July: Do you have heard the song “Love fight?”

Garrett: Maybe I head it when I was a boy. I’ll follow your lead.

Aubra July: It’s a shuffle on C, four on the floor, just stay on the rhythm and you can’t go wrong. Hit it.

[music playing]

Garrett: Hello.

Aubra July: Baby, listen. I ain’t coming home tonight.

Garrett: Boy, stop. Here we go with this mess again.

Aubra July: I mean it. I got work. Don’t wait up.

Garrett: Is that right? [singing] Coz I know that you’ve been hanging out all night

Aubra July: Well you know I cannot help that, I’m a man

Garrett: You can help the way you treat me

Aubra July: Woman, don’t please me

Garrett: I swear to you, I’ll walk away

Aubra July: [slaps Garrett] Shut your mouth, you’re pissing me off

[Aubra July and Garrett start dancing intimately. Even Garrett is acting like a woman.]

Both: Yeah, yeah
Doing me wrong and doing you right
where do you go in the middle of the night
Doing me wrong and doing you right
you’re pissing me off baby, it’s a love fight

[The boys are shocked]

Beck: Now, help me. Is this a play?

Kyle: I don’t know. But it sure is noisy.

Colonel: Well, whatever it is, Private Garrett is off book.

Mikey: Wait, so the girl is playing the boy and the boy is playing the girl?

Andrew: Yeah, there’s a lot going on.

Garrett: Quit your lying. My girlfriend saw Shanice you at the club.

Aubra July: She needs to get her eyes checked.

Garrett: She did. Yesterday.

Aubra July: [singing] I’ve given you all of me
my mind, my body, can’t you see?

Garrett: Then why does the car smell like sex
with girl that isn’t me?

Both: Wo-wu-wo-wu-yeah, yeah! 

Garrett: Break it down now, y’all.

Colonel: They are really nailing the coreo.

Mikey: But he got caught. Now he’s being mouthy.

Beck: He’s not going to change.

Kyle: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Andrew: Shh, she’s confronting him.

Garrett: Remind me, do you wear red satin panties?

Aubra July: Girl, you know I don’t.

Garrett: Then why did I find these in your briefcase?

[Marjorie walks in]

Marjorie: I’ve been looking for those.

Aubra July and Garrett: Marjorie?

[Aubra July, Garrett and Marjorie start dancing sexy]

Beck: That must be the other woman.

Mikey: The one who stunk the car up?

Kyle: This is the moment of truth.

Aubra July: Baby, it ain’t what it looks like.

Marjorie: Oh, yeah? Because it looks bad?

Garrett: Consider this a warning.

Marjorie: You’re on notice.

Aubra July: How can I make it up to you both?

Marjorie: Why? It’s simple.

Garrett and Marjorie: Defeat the Nazis!

Aubra July: Mama, you ain’t saying nothing but a word.

Aubra July, Garrett and Marjorie: Wo-wu-wo-wu-yeah, yeah!
Doing me wrong and doing you right

[all the military men join them to dance] 
where do you go in the middle of the night
Doing me wrong and doing you right
you’re pissing me off baby, it’s a love fight

Secret Word Holiday Edition

Grand Choad… Kenan Thompson

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Elka Legerdi… Kate McKinnon

Lauren Holt

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with TV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Card Varks. But first, Secret Word.

[Cut to the show intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play the game the stars play, “Secret Word”. With your host, Grand Choad.

Grand Choad: Alright. Welcome once again to “Secret Word”. I am Grand Choad. Today’s show is sponsored by Secretary Wax. Shine up those legs before your boss gets in Secretary Wax. Our first guest is a regular on the show and is best known for the work on Broadway Stage. Please welcome Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in[

Mindy Elise Grayson: Merry Christmas. My gift to you is me.

Grand Choad: Alright. Hello, Mindy. You seem excited to be here today.

[Mindy Elise Grayson takes a seat beside Lauren]

Mindy Elise Grayson: I am, Grant. I need money.

Grand Choad: Ha-ha. Terrific. We’re very lucky to have our next celebrity who’s making a rare public appearance. Please welcome Austrian-American actress and part time recluse, Elka Legerdi.

[Elka Legerdi walks in. She’s wearing sunglasses.]

Elka Legerdi: So many light and people on camera, this is all too much to bear.

Grand Choad: Well, it is great to meet you, Elka. I loved you in “Unresponsive Woman”.

[Elka Legerdi takes a seat beside Andrew]

Elka Legerdi: Thank you. Show business is a demon that eats you from the inside out until there’s nothing left but tears and dust.

Grand Choad: Okay. And you are Austria’s leading comedic actress?

Elka Legerdi: That is correct.

Grand Choad: Alright. All of today’s secret words are Christmas themed. Mindy, your team is up first. Are you ready to play?

Mindy Elise Grayson: We are. Let’s do this.

Grand Choad: Alright. 15 seconds on the clock, please.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘wrap’.

Grand Choad: And remember, Mindy. Don’t say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I’m not going to, grant. I know what I’m doing. Right. How much time is left?

Grand Choad: Five seconds.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, well I better get to it. Let’s see. Wrap.

[buzzer sound]

Grand Choad: Mindy, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I did. I am sorry. It’s the actress in me. I see letters and turn them into emotions. Just like I did in the play “Alls well that ends well”, a story of a blind girl who flips in to a well. Mama, where am I? The walls are wet. Who’s bucket is this? Mama! The New York times said, “Oh-oh!”

Grand Choad: Fantastic. Alright. Let’s go over to Elka’s team. Elka, are you going to give or receive?

Elka Legerdi: I have nothing left to give but if you ask, I will comply.

Grand Choad: It’s a very fun outlook. Let’s put 15 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is “Poinsettia”.

Elka Legerdi: I don’t know this word.

Andrew: Poinsettia?

[buzzer sound.]

Grand Choad: Just do another one.

Male voice: The secret word is “Ho ho ho”.

Elka Legerdi: Okay. This is hard in my accent but moo moo moo.

Andrew: I don’t understand.

Elka Legerdi: Moo moo moo.

Andrew: Yeah, I have no idea.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! She’s saying “Ho ho ho.”

[buzzer sound]

Grand Choad: Mindy! Alright, Elka. You lost that point.

Elka Legerdi: What’s the point of anything?

Grand Choad: Okay. I wish there was a third team to go, but all we have is Mindy.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I am ready to give again.

Lauren: When is it my turn?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ha-ha-ha. That’s exactly what I said at my very first Hollywood orgy. You have to network.

Grand Choad: Our next clue is a Christmas phrase. Let’s hear it.

Male voice: The secret phrase is “Trimming the tree”.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh. Maybe I’m screwed but I don’t know why anyone would want to do this to a tree. I mean if you wanted to practice but I think you just get splinters in your mouth.

Lauren: I have no idea.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! I’m sorry. My thumb, on the screen was covering up the first ‘T’. It’s ‘Trimming’. Trimming the tree.

Grand Choad: Um, this is the Christmas show. It’s Christmas.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I understand. I’m sorry. I biffed it. Just like I biffed my entire performance in the broadway musical flop “Mumbai Suzie and the Vindiloo Crew”, the story of a poor teen who left her strict Indian parents to open a curry cart in the big city of Bombay. He’s the 11 o’clock number. Hit it.

[music playing]

[singing] I’m moving out Mumbai, mom bye!
I’ll be home forGrand Choad Christmas dad bye, dad bye

Grand Choad: No. That is not okay. Not even for the time we’re supposed to be in. And it looks like it’s time for a commercial break.

Elka Legerdi: I had fun.

Grand Choad: Well, I’m glad. We’ll be right back after this.

[Mindy Elise Grayson and Elka Legerdi walk up front]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, watch us move it.

[Mindy Elise Grayson and Elka Legerdi start dancing]

A Teacher

Kyler… Andrew Dismukes

Ms. Williams… Ego Nwodim

Principal… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with a video clips from a school show]

Male voice: The most stirring show of 2020 about an elicit affair between teacher and student. And now, a sneak preview of season two of “A Teacher.”

[The class is over. Kyler walks to the teacher.]

Kyler: Hey, I know that the class is over but I wanted to talk to you alone. I’m struggling and need extra help to go to college and I can’t stop thinking about you, Ms. Williams. Or should I call you Nicole?

Ms. Williams: What are you talking about?

Kyler: I wanted to just spend some extra time together.

Ms. Williams: You think you cute?

Kyler: Well, I’m more mature than the other kids.

Ms. Williams: Excuse me, young man. Did you think we were going to [bleep]?

Kyler: I mean, I don’t know.

Ms. Williams: You’re pulling a C- in my class. That’s not hot for me. You can barely read.

Kyler: I thought maybe we could– [Ms. Williams raises her eyebrows] Never mind.

Ms. Williams: No, no. I want you to go ahead and walk me through it. You invite me to your… what? We hook up in the back seat of your bike?

Kyler: Or we could go to your car.

Ms. Williams: No. We’re not doing it in my car. My car is new.

Kyler: That’s cool.

Ms. Williams: You think I have enough money to throw this job away for your limp ass little leaner that can do nothing for me? What did you think this was?

Kyler: You were giving me help with the SATs. I thought it was special.

Ms. Williams: Oh, you thought I wanted to have sex with someone who can’t do the SATs? You keep circling the bubble instead of filling it in. You think that’s sexy?

Kyler: A little.

Ms. Williams: You know what? Let me enjoy my lunch break.

Kyler: Ms. Williams. I can’t stop thinking about you.

Ms. Williams: Why? I stop thinking about ya’ll the minute you talk out of this classroom.

Kyler: See? You’re so confident.

Ms. Williams: Yeah, I’ve got that swagger that you have when you’re not a pedophile. Don’t see a lot of confident pedophiles, do you? That swagger when you have a healthcare and a parking spot. God, I hate kids.

Kyler: You don’t understand. I love your class.

Ms. Williams: Name one president.

Kyler: Huckleberry?

Ms. Williams: Oh my god!

Kyler: Kermit?

[Principal walking in the hallway finds them in class.]

Principal: Ms. Williams, what’s going on in here? Are you having an inappropriate relationship with this student?

Ms. Williams: No, principal Miller. God, no.

Principal: Because he’s my boyfriend and we’re in love.

Ms. Williams: Oh my god! Are women still doing this?

Principal: They are. I am.

Ms. Williams: So, how are you the principal?

Principal: Well, that’s a good question. You see, I used to be a prison guard who let prisoners out because I loved them and now I work here.

Ms. Williams: Okay, this is ridiculous. Will someone say “kidding” so I don’t have to do no paperwork?

[Principal’s phone beeps. She looks at the phone and finds out that it’s Kyler’s birthday.]

Principal: Kyler, it’s your 18th birthday today. We can finally be together.

Kyler: Na, this just isn’t hot for me anymore.

Principal: Right. Me neither. Ha-ha.

[bell ringing]

Ms. Williams: There goes my lunch break.

Male voice: “A Teacher”, haven’t we learned?