Tag: Colin Jost

Weekend Update- Goober the Clown on Abortion

Colin Jost

Goober the clown… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Supreme Court heard arguments this week in women’s whole health v. Texas about the controversial Texas law that essentially bans all abortions after just six weeks. Here to cheer us up… Well, this can’t be right, Goober, the clown who had an abortion when she was 23.

[Goober the clown slides in]

Goober the clown: Hey, hey. I’m Goober the clown.

Colin Jost: So goober, you had an abortion when you were 23?

Goober the clown: Whoa, slow down. I’m a clown. Let’s clown around. Hey, smell this flower. [There’s a slower on her chest pocket]

Colin Jost: You’re not gonna squirt me, are you?

Goober the clown: Oh, I would never.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay!

[as Colin Jost tries to smell the flower, Goober the clown squirts on him]

Goober the clown: Oh, gotcha. I had an abortion the day before my 23rd birthday. [She’s still squirting water on him]

Colin Jost: Okay. It seems like you do want to talk about your abortion.

Goober the clown: Well, actually, I really don’t. But people keep bringing it up. So, I gotta keep talking about freaking abortion. But it’s a rough subject, so we’re gonna do fun clown stuff to make it more palatable. Whee! [Her bow tie is spinning] Hey, who wants some balloon animal? You want a giraffe? Che?

Colin Jost: You don’t have to do this, Cecily.

Goober the clown: Who’s Cecily? I’m Goober. And I wish I didn’t have to do this because the abortion I had at 23 is my personal clown business. But that’s all some people in this country want to discuss all the time. Even though cloud abortion was legalized in Clown V. Wade in Colin Jost973. Here. [Passes the balloon. It doesn’t look like animal at all.]

Colin Jost: Can you stop saying clown abortion? And what is this? [showing the balloon]

Goober the clown: It’s a worm. I don’t know. Hey, did you know one in three clowns will have a clown abortion in their lifetime? You don’t because they don’t tell you. They don’t even know how to talk to other clowns about it. Because when they do talk about it, if you were a clown who wasn’t the victim of something sad like clown says, they think your clown abortion wasn’t a righteous clown abortion. I mean what the dick is that?

Colin Jost: I don’t think you can say that word on the show.

Goober the clown: What? Abortion?

Colin Jost: Well, I guess kind of.

Goober the clown: You know it’s sunny Colin. We’re having fun. Just laugh. Hey, pull my finger.

Colin Jost: No.

Goober the clown: Laugh. I need it. I need you to laugh so hard like the way I laughed when the doctor asked if I got pregnant on the way over to the clinic because I wasn’t very far along. And that is one of my favorite jokes to this day. I love that joke. It’s such a good joke. Not like a funny haha joke. But like a funny you’re not an awful person and your life isn’t over now joke. The best kind. A honka honka!

Colin Jost: Good horn.

Goober the clown: Whoo! I’m not a clown. And in the waiting room, they had a little guestbook where all the clowns could write the clown abortion story for the next clown to read it so she wouldn’t feel so alone. And then years later you’ll be at a dinner with a big group of clowns, one clown will go out on a limb and say she’s had an abortion and then like eight other clowns at the table say they’ve had an abortion too because that’s how common it is. And then everyone’s excited and relieved we talking about it. But it’s like, “Wow, we kept this secret for so long despite being so grateful it happened.” Honka honka!

Colin Jost: So, wait. Are clowns women?

Goober the clown: Excuse me? Wow. Okay, Colin Jost thinks women are clowns. Cool.

Colin Jost: That’s not what I said.

Goober the clown: Let me do some helium. Okay, Colin. Here’s my truth. [takes helium off of balloon and stars speaking in squeaky voice] I know I wouldn’t be a clown on TV here today if it weren’t for the abortion I had the day before my 23rd birthday. Clowns have been helping each other in their pregnancy since the caves. It’s gonna happen, so ought to be safe, legal and accessible. We will not go back to the alley. I mean last thing anyone wants is a bunch of dead clowns in a dark alley.

Colin Jost: Goober the clown, everyone.

Goober the clown: Y’all better disable comments in this one.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Football Team Wins 106-0 and Vaccine Smoothie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of an article that says “High school football team wins 106-0” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A high school principal has apologized for unsportsmanlike conduct of the school’s football team after they beat another team 106-0. Apology accepted said the Jets.

[Picture changes to to an article that says “Mothers passing on antibodies with breastmilk smoothies]

It was reported that mothers in California are trying to pass on COVID vaccine antibodies to their children by making them smoothies with their breast milk. Oh sure. But when I asked for that, I’m escorted out of Jamba Juice.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Smith College logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Smith College has become the first woman’s college to eliminate student debt by replacing loans with grants because a lady should never have to pay.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “81 year old pharmacist traded drugs for sex”]

At an 81 year old pharmacist and Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly trading drugs for sexual favors. Wow. [picture changes to Bill Cosby] So, he’s a pharmacist now.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of International Handball Federation logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The International handball Federation’s agreed to allow female players to wear bike shorts instead of bikini bottoms. But they’re still insisting that refs use this whistle. [flirty whistle plays]

[Picture changes to an article that says “30,000 visitors locked inside due to covid]
More than 30,000 people were locked inside Shanghai Disneyland after one visitor tested positive for covid. So, let this be a lesson all you kids out there. If you aren’t more careful about covid, you’ll end up living at Disney World.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of calendar marking November 2021 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: National Impotency Awareness Month began on Monday. And I for one thought it’d never come.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a squirrel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a tick tock went viral of a squirrel that appeared to be holding hands with a woman. See? It’s like Che always says, “Gay marriage is a slippery slope.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of guy’s face at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A plastic surgeon posted a video on TikTok claiming that the rumor is true that the size of a person’s nose has a direct connection to the size of his penis. Oh, so that’s why Camila’s smiling.

Weekend Update- Biden Passes Infrastructure Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of USA map at left top corner]

Our top story of the night like it’s been for as long as I can remember, infrastructure. Last night, the house passed president Biden’s $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, which should be enough to clean as many as two of LaGuardia’s bathrooms. The infrastructure bill will also expand internet access across the US which is great news because when has more internet ever been bad for America? [picture changes to Capitol riot]

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Terry McAuliffe and Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrat Terry McAuliffe lost to republican Glenn Youngkin in Virginia’s governor’s race. But on the bright side, losers from Virginia usually get a statue.

[Picture changes to republican elephant logo]

Political experts say that the republican victory in Virginia’s governor’s race was fuel by support from white women who didn’t go to college. Which just so happens to be the same exact group I target on Tinder.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin McCarthy at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a wake of republican success in this week’s election, house minority leader Kevin McCarthy announced that republicans would introduce a parents bill of rights. Which I’m pretty sure is just a sign you can buy at Home Goods.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of logo of Pfizer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pfizer announced that it has developed an anti-viral pill that can reduce hospitalization among covid patients by nearly 90%. And even better, it makes you harder than trigonometry.

[Picture changes to Edward Durr]

Steven Sweeney, the New Jersey senate president lost his reelection bid in an upset to a truck driver named Edward Durr. Coincidentally, Durr is also the New Jersey state motto.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eric Adams at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: With his victory, Eric Adams will become New York’s second black mayor. Not to be confused with the New York mayor who blacks out. [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani]

Adams defeated republican Curtis Sliwa who will now return to his previous job as Emily in Paris’s lawyer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Winsome Sears holding a rifle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Republican Winsome Sears seen here attempting suicide by cop was elected as Virginia’s first black female lieutenant governor. Well, this is actually a win for democrats because nothing will get republicans to support gun control faster than this picture.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former president Trump was filmed doing the Tomahawk Chop at a world series game in Atlanta. Native American group said they found it extremely offensive to see their culture associated with someone who can’t even run a successful casino.

Weekend Update- A Guy Named Brandon on “Let’s Go Brandon”

Michael Che

Brandon… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The phrase, “Let’s go Brandon”, a right wing euphemism for F Joe Biden has gone viral and can now be found on T shirts and lawn signs across the country. Here to comment on “Let’s go Brandon” phenomenon is a guy named Brandon.

Brandon: Hello. Yes, it’s me. Wow, this has been crazy, Mr. Che. Everyone’s talking about me. Little old Brandon. I just wanna say, CC fam. Thank you for your support. I love my Brand, Stans.

Michael Che: Brandon, maybe you didn’t hear what I just said.

Brandon: At first, I was like, “I don’t understand. Why all the hoopla about me?” I was pretty average guy living with my– Kinda like spider man, but without the superpowers. Right, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: Yeah, sure, sure.

Brandon: Yeah, normal guy. Don’t have tons of friends. Never have. Spent the last 49 bucks on a cameo from the Damn Daniel guys. They’re older now but still really funny. They refuse to say Damn Daniel, but just hearing those guys talk is amazing. Anyway, I was feeling kind of down. And that’s when all over the internet, people started cheering me on saying “Let’s go Brandon”.

Michael Che: Again. Brandon. I hate to tell you this–

Brandon: On the support was just the boost I needed to focus on my true passion. My famous cookie creations.

Michael Che: Cookie creation? What are cookie creations?

Brandon: Well, most cookies are round, right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Brandon: My cookie creations are not round. For instance. Have you ever seen a square cookie, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: I have.

Brandon: Didn’t think so. Might be why people are talking about Brandon.

Michael Che: Look. No, wait. I hate to break it to you but “Let’s go Brandon” isn’t about you. It’s cold for F. Joe Biden.

Brandon: No.

Michael Che: Yes.

Brandon: Wouldn’t they just say F Joe Biden?

Michael Che: Right. This is their way of saying that without saying it.

Brandon: But they said Brandon. They said my name.

Michael Che: Yeah, it was kind of like their inside joke.

Brandon: So, I’m a joke? It’s a joke to be Brandon? Like when my uncle tweeted, “Let’s go Brandon”, he wasn’t talking about me?

Michael Che: No, man. He wasn’t.

Brandon: And when those random guys at the football game chanted “Let’s go Brandon”, they weren’t talking about me?

Michael Che: No.

Brandon: Is anyone talking about me?

Michael Che: I don’t think so.

Brandon: So, I’m a loser. I live with my aunt. And every time I pee, it shoots out in different– Like, I can’t get a single stream. It always splits.

Michael Che: Ay. I’m sorry. But maybe we can find a way to pump you up that doesn’t involve word Brandon. Like, what’s your last name?

Brandon: Bad Noodles.

Michael Che: Bad Noodles?

Brandon: It’s Dutch

Michael Che: Well, why don’t we get a “Let’s go Bad Noodles” chant going?

Brandon: Really? Let’s go Bad Noodles. [the audience start chanting] Yes! Everybody!

Michael Che: Brandon Bad Noodles, everybody.

What Up With That- Oscar Isaac, Emily Ratajkowski and Nicholas Braun

Mikey Day

Oscar Isaac

Emily Ratajkowski

Nicholas Braun

Deandre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Vance… Jason Sudeikis

Giuseppe… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Mikey introducing the show]

Mikey: It’s “What’s Up With That?”, Halloween edition. Taking on the issues of today with soul. Tonight from Doom, Oscar Isaac. [cheers and applause] Model an actress, Emily Ratajkowski. [cheers and applause] And from Succession, Nicholas Braun. [cheers and applause] Here’s your host, Deandre Cole.

[Deandre Cole walks in]

Deandre Cole: [singing] I woke up this morning and I got out of bed
had a big old cup of coffee to clear my head
hiding from the ghost and a scary black cat
to trick or treat and tell me what’s up with that
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

What’s up with that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. 

Well, thank you very much for joining us on What’s Up With That where we are excited about Halloween. It might get a little creepy. Might get a little sneaky. Might get a little peaky. Don’t got to sleepy. It’s gonna be spooky, cooky, ooky, goopy, soupy, loopy, it’s the great pumpkin snoopy

[singing] Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

[Vance walks in dancing and Giuseppe walks in playing sax]
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, what’s up, I say what’s up, somebody tell me what is up with that?
Now if I’m out here trick or treating, don’t you give me no damn fruit, yeah!

Okay. Well, that was fun. That was fun. Vance, man, good to see you. How are those knees doing? And Giuseppe, I hope your wife is feeling better. [Guiseppe is laughing] That wasn’t a joke, Guiseppe. Okay. Joining us tonight is the great actor Oscar Isaac who is dressed up as a pirate.

Oscar Isaac: Ha-ha. Ohoi! Good to see you, Deandre. Good to see you.

Deandre Cole: It’s good to see you too. We go way back. You remember Miami? I know you do. I know you do. And next to him, we have Emily Ratajkowski. She is a cat.

Emily Ratajkowski: Meow, Deandre.

Deandre Cole: Well, me to the yow to you too. And next, he has been on every show that we have ever had for the past 1Oscar Isaac years, Lindsay Buckenham.

Nicholas Braun: No. No. Sorry. I’m–

Deandre Cole: Lindsay, that is the best cousin Greg from Succession costume I have ever seen.

Nicholaus Braun: No, no. I am Nicholaus Braun.

Deandre Cole: Whatever, Lindsay. You are the busiest man in the show biz with projects like Scenes from Marriage, the Card Counter and Doom. How do you play so many different characters?

Oscar Isaac: It’s a good question. Well, no. They’re all different people. But there are similarities to them. [drum hi-hat starts playing] What is that? No, no, no, you’re not gonna do that to me, right?

Deandre Cole: No. No. Go ahead.

Oscar Isaac: Okay. Well, in the sense, all the characters are going to go through existential crisis.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Existential crisis.

Oscar Isaac: Uh, huh. And you know, there’s like a sense of poetry to them. They all deal with pain and loss, confusion.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Pain, loss and confusion.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. So, for me, it’s all about whether there’s room to explore something interesting.

Deandre Cole: [singing] Exploring in the depths, and I got to say
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

ladies and gentlemen, get ready to get freaky and funky because they are the spookiest disco group in the world, the HeeBee Beegees.

[HeeBee Beegees walk in dancing]

HeeBee Beegees: [singing] eat your face, HeeBee Beegees
you better eat your face, that beautiful face

Deandre Cole: Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Ladies and gentlemen, he got along in the 2003 baseball play offs, Chicago Cubs outcast, Steve Bartman.

[Steve Bartman walk in and dances]

Go Bartman, go Bartman. Got the baseball, got the baseball. You’re forgiven, you’re forgiven.

Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, what’s up with that? What’s up with that?
What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that?
Somebody pull liners at the pumpkin patch that dump and miss Halloween again, Yeah!

Whoo! Well, we out of time. But I wanna thank Oscar Isaac for being here.

Oscar Isaac: Yeah. That went exactly as I thought it would go. Yeah.

Deandre Cole: And thank you to Ms. Emily Ratatakowski.

Emily Ratajkowski: I flew out for this?

Deandre Cole: And thank you for your service. And oh no, Lindsay Buckenham. Man, I wanted to hear all the secrets behind the cousin Greg costume. I’m sorry.

Nicholaus Braun: I’m actually Nicholas Braun. Please.

Deandre Cole: You are a sneaky one, Lindsay. Go win the cousin Greg contest. And Vance, take care of your knees, man. [Vance is drinking whiskey out the bottle] Until next time.

[singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey,
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?
Oh, wee, What’s up with that? What’s up with that?

Weekend Update- The Devil on His Latest Accomplishments

Colin Jost

The devil… Jason Sudeikis

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the news these past few years has been pretty bleak. And it seems to be continuing in that direction. Here to comment is the devil.

[The Devil slides in]

[cheers and applause]

The Devil: Good to see you, Colin. How are you, Michael? Yes! Alright. What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: It’s just great to see you, Devil. We haven’t seen you in four or five years.

The Devil: Oh yes. Because I’ve been busy, baby. Yeah. Last few years have been pretty good for the devil here.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, congratulations. What are you been working on lately?

The Devil: Oh, man. So many little side projects. Earthquakes. Got some killer storms. Instagram for kids. Trying to get it off the ground. Oh, and the climate. Climate! Come on! Look I don’t know if you noticed, but I’ve been making things up here feel more like where I’m from. That’s all. You ever been to Florida? That’s not that different from hell. It’s basically pre hell. It’s people in their Colin Jost00s and the temperatures are also in their Colin Jost00s. It’s where I beta test a lot of new ideas, okay? Gaters are there. Bath salts. Tea cup ride. Love for it. Love it.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It must be fun. Florida must be fun for you. Yeah.

The Devil: Yeah, I love it. Yeah, I’m also in the sports. Yeah, I’ve been sticking my fork in sports. I mean, you saw that the Astros won. They shouldn’t have. [smiles and points at himself] Please. And you know, my boy Tom Brady still going strong, right? I actually keep his soul trapped in his portrait of him.

Colin Jost: Handsome guy, still.

The Devil: Oh, yeah. He still got it. He still got it going on. Absolutely.

Colin Jost: I appreciate you coming by to explain all this.

The Devil: Oh, come on. My pleasure. I’m actually glad to get out of hell for a minute. Rush Limbaugh has been talking my horns off. You know, I actually got to build a new– [phone ringing] Oh, sorry. Sorry, I shouldn’t turn– It’s my phone. Sorry! Sorry! Ah! Prince Andrew. Again. Really. The guy. I mean he’s blowing my phone up all the time. All these pics of me, him and JS, they’re coming out of you know– I look pretty good though.

Colin Jost: Alright. I know that looks pretty bad for you guys maybe but–

The Devil: Not me. Not me. I’m a street creed.

Colin Jost: Is there anything else that you’d like to take credit for?

The Devil: Sure, yeah. Bitcoin. That’s all me. I invented vaping. I’m proud of that one. Well, you know when you’re trying to read an article online and the ad at the top gets real big and takes up half the screen no matter how much you scroll and is still there? Me!

Colin Jost: That’s a great one. Great work. And I just have to ask, what about Qanon. Was that you?

The Devil: Hey! Hey! No. Those guys are crazy. A bunch of sad internet psychos thinking satan worshipping paedophiles exist. It’s like, excuse me. Don’t drag my good name into your sick fantasy. Alright? You take that back right now. You take it back, Colin. Okay? Or else I will go back on our deal to let you marry Scarlett, okay?

Colin Jost: That’s not what happened.

The Devil: You baby trapped her.

Colin Jost: That’s not accurate.

The Devil: You baby trapped her.

Colin Jost: That’s not accurate. Not accurate

The Devil: It is true. I don’t know who screwed her more. You or Disney. Baby trapped her.

Colin Jost: Wow.

The Devil: True.

Colin Jost: You’re pretty worked up.

The Devil: Yeah! I am. I’ve just been working a ton. I am. I’m a little fragile. I love my job and sometimes I gotta relax, okay? And this year– I’m gonna blush now. I got the greatest lap dance of my life. True. That Lil Nas X, he can move. He’s cute.

Colin Jost: The Devil, everyone.

The Devil: I hacked Michael Che.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Steve Bannon Held in Contempt & Trump Social Media

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Halloween pumpkin at left top corner.]

Well, this is our Halloween episode, guys. So, I wanted to start by showing you the most haunting image I saw this week. [picture changes to Kanye wearing white mask] No. Not that actually. That’s just Kanye. Sorry, Ye. He goes by Ye now. Even though no one looks at this and goes, “Yay.” Haunting image I was thinking about was actually this one. [Picture changes to Steve Bannon] Yeah. That’s my guy. Because this week former White House I wanna say garbage man Steve Bannon was held in contempt of congress. But this is what Bannon wants. It plays into his whole persecuted messiah complex. So, Bannon is similar to Jesus in that he looks like he’s been dead for three days.

[picture changes to Facebook logo]

After weeks of intense media scrutiny, Facebook is reportedly planning to change the company name. So, if you wanna know how Facebook is handling the pressure, the answer is exactly as well as Kanye. [Picture changes to news article that says “Kanye changes his name”.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kirsten Sinema at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senator Kirsten Sinema who hates the attention says she is imposed to raise in taxes on the wealthy to pay for president Biden’s agenda. Finally, someone speaking up for billionaires. Because it’s so hard to hear from Space. [Picture changes to Jeff Bezos and Elon Must at space]

[Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump announced the launch of his own social media network he’s calling True Social, but most people know it by its original name ‘The National Sex Offender Registry’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The FDA authorized the mixing and matching of booster shots and vaccines. As we enter the ‘just winging it’ phase of the pandemic. Seriously, when it comes to medication, when has a doctor ever said, “Just mix and match! It’s all good. Taste the rainbow.” Who’s the head of the FDA now? Lil’ Wayne?

Pfizer also reported Friday that its covid vaccine for children is 90% effective. Meanwhile Johnson&Johnson reported that their covid vaccine for children is just CapriSun.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: At his CNN Town Hall, President Biden discussed the importance of addressing mental health saying “A broken spirit is no different than a broken arm.” Well, if I kept betting on Giants, I’ma have both.

[cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Also at the Town Hall, President Biden admitted that he has not yet had time to visit the southern border. So, his approval rating has.

Insiders are also saying that during meetings, President Biden repeatedly uses the F word in conversation. More concerning, the F word he keeps using is forget.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The head of Chicago’s police union is urging officers to defy the city’s vaccine mandate which is weird because usually Chicago police can’t wait to take the shot.

[Picture changes to Walmart logo]

Walmart announced that members of its Walmart+ subscription service will be able to take advantage of Black Friday sales four hours early. Experts believe it could be the most violent gathering of Walmart shoppers since January 6. [Picture changes to Capitol riot]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of band Smash mouth logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A video is posted of a recent Smash Mouth concert in which– I know, recent. A recent Smash Mouth concert in which the lead singer is seen slurring his words doing a Nazi salute and threatening to kill an audience member. And it gets worse. He then started singing.

[Picture changes to Sex, love & goop logo]

In the latest episode of Gwyneth Paltrow’s show ‘Sex, love & goop’, a sexologist explained how people can experience full body orgasm while fully clothed without touching. Which is also what happens when your mom watches Bridgerton.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of StarWars logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The StarWars themed house has been listed for sale in Florida. But in Florida, StarWars theme just means it was owned by siblings who kissed.

[Picture changes to Thomas Jefferson statue]

After trying for several years, the New York city commission voted to remove a statue of Thomas Jefferson from city hall. They were finally able to remove it by telling the statue there was a hot black lady outside.

Weekend Update- Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Halloween Dating Tips

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Oh, baby– This is what this is, oh god. Oh baby, do you know what next week is? Hint, it’s my favorite. THat’s right, it’s Halloween. Here with his Halloween tips is Guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Trick or treat, smell my meat, give me somewhere good to skeet. Ha-ha. Thanks for having me, Col-dren Ghost. It is really ‘grave’ to be here.

Colin Jost: Who are you? The Crypt Keeper?

The guy: Ha-ha. Any-hay-ride, here’s how to treat your trick to a scary good all hallows beeve. It’s all about the spooky getaway to set the mood. Take it from Weeknd Update and take a weekend up state. Do some leaf peeps, and the panties will be just like the foliage, dropping. Ha-ha. Or take her wine tasting and you’ll find out why they call them finger legs. Buckle up. Either way, play your cards tight and you’ll be like cinnamon inside her. I have a small penis. Now, let’s talk spooktacular mack-tivities that will lead to love potion 69. If you don’t want to jack your own lantern, here’s how to make sure you don’t end up like the horseman headless. Fellas, to increase your fellash ratche, put in the eff and track down a quality hau-ho. That’s haunted house in laying-man terms. Or take her to as the native amaze mage would say an amaze maise mage.

Colin Jost: Can I leave?

The guy: Not yet, pal. You’ll spend few hours bobbing for apples, just flailing around, teeth first, not getting anywhere. And eventually, she’ll tap you on the head and she’ll say, “Never mind, I’ll just do it myself when you leave.”

Colin Jost: Are you still talking about a corn maze?

The guy: And if you’re heading to the pumpkin patch, no need to wait all night. This great pumpkin comes immediately.

Colin Jost: Alright. Can you just wrap it up?

The guy: I mean, I can, but I don’t. What? They slide right off. It’s slender, man. Cool. Now, let’s talk stumes, comma-co, comma-ca. I myself am a masquerade connoiseur.

Colin Jost: Really? That is surprising.

The guy: Ay, who’s got thee thumbs and loves costumes? [pointing at himself] This guy.

Colin Jost: Three? Oh my god.

The guy: Col, all that barely there, derrier-bearing scary wear is skimply amazing. And ladies, thank you. Muchas gracias for the generous erect deposit into my banko-spanko. Those memories will blast a lifetime and make my ghost bust.

Colin Jost: Your ghost?

The guy: Ah, it’s basically invisible. What can I say? Busting makes me feel good. And it makes her say, “Wait, already? Your belt’s still buckled.”

Colin Jost: Alright. I think that’s enough.

The guy: Wait, wait. I have one more just the tip for the boys. Remember, getting the right candy can lead to a tight handy. If you want to get betwixt the milky ways of a sweetheart, avoid the smarties and nerds and find yourselves some airheads, Colly Rancher. I like an almond joy, nuts on top.

Colin Jost: Were you in like, a horrific accident?

The guy: And soon, you’ll be asking her the quintessential ques, butt her finger?

Colin Jost: Those are the options?

The guy: But fellas, before the party, take her down to the marina and she’ll be saying “witchcraft”? I have a boat, Colin!

Colin Jost: Guy who bought a boat!

The guy: It’s got dry rot.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Hypnotist Linus Minus on Hypnosis

Colin Jost

Linus Minus… Mikey Day

Roy… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: A new stage show from world renowned hypnotist Linus Minus is quickly becoming the talk of Broadway’s reopening. Here with more is Linus Minus and his volunteer, Roy.

[Linus Minus and Roy slide in]

Linus Minus: Hello. Yes. I found a volunteer to be hypnotized on your show. He’s a member of your security staff here at Saturday Night Live.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Hey, Roy, how are you feeling? Nervous?

Roy: Oh, no, man. This little silly magic is not going to work on me, Jack!

Linus Minus: Okay. Well, humor me, Roy, and imagine yourself on a cloud. And as I count down from five, Roy, you sleep further into that cloud. Five, four, you’re falling Roy, three, two, falling deeper Roy, one, and sleep. [snaps his finger]

[Roy sleeps]

Alright. Now, Roy is in state of suggestive hypnosis. Meaning– [Roy drops his hands down] Okay. Oh, dear.

Colin Jost: Is everything okay?

Linus Minus: I think he was a little too relaxed. And he tinkled just a little bit. I apologize but we’ll have to cut this short. Roy, when you hear wake, you will return to the state of active consciousness. And wake. [snaps his finger]

Roy: Oh, woo! Where my pants went? You made me piss myself on live TV? [goes for Linus Minus’s throat] You son of a–

Linus Minus: [snaps his finger] Sleep. [Roy sleeps]

Colin Jost: Why did you put him back to sleep again?

Linus Minus: Well, he grabbed me, as you saw. And I felt a bit scared for my life. So, Roy, when you hear wake, you will be happy about what’s going on in your pants. Happy. And [snaps his finger] wake.

Roy: Oh, what you doing feels so good, Zendaya.

Linus Minus: And sleep. [Roy sleeps] Oopsie. Roy made the source of happiness a sexual fantasy with Zendaya.

Colin Jost: Yes. I feel like you should maybe get Roy off stage, okay?

Linus Minus: I’m trying, Colin. Roy, when you hear wake, Zendaya is gone. She is not here. And wake.

Roy: Ay, where Zendaya at? What did you do with Zendaya, you sick son of a–

Linus Minus: Sleep. [Roy sleeps] Roy, I didn’t do anything to Zendaya. I am not the reason Zendaya isn’t here, Roy. And wake.

Roy: Oh no! I killed Zendaya. And I pissed my pants. Help! Help!

Linus Minus: Sleep. [Roy sleeps] Okay. One more time. Roy, on wake, your pants are not wet, they’re dry. Zendaya is not here but Zendaya is alive and safe. You are calm. You are just at work, Roy. You’re doing your normal job and a security guard for Saturday Night Live. And wake. How do you feel?

Roy: Great. I think I should get back to work though. Ay, Michael Che, tell them strippers in your dressing room to put some masks on, man.

Michael Che: Ay! Sleep! [Linus Minus sleeps]

Colin Jost: Linus Minus and Roy, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Disney+ Overtaking Netflix & New Superman Is Bi

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a pictures of Disney+ and Netflix logos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Experts say that by 2026, Disney+ will surpass Netflix to become the top streaming platform in the world. “Not so fast”, said Pornhub.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Superman logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: DC comics announced that the new Superman will be bisexual. Yes, they also announced that the Riddler has always been down for whatever.

[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of a ranch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A California ranch once owned by Ronald Raegan is being threatened by a large wildfire. Crews are hoping to put out the blaze by pouring water onto a nearby hill and hoping it trickles down. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There are pictures of Taylor Swift and Adele at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: An economics joke. Music commentators are noting that upcoming releases from Taylor Swift and Adele signal a shift in the industry from hot girls summer to sad girl autumn. Yes, which is followed as always by messy diva Christmas. [Picture changes to Mariah Carey]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Israel map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Archaeologists in Israel have discovered a 1500 year old winery. Wow. It’s crazy that Jewish people have been making wine for that long and they still haven’t gotten any good at it. [Picture changes to Manischewitz wine]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a band at right top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Rolling Stones announced they will no longer play the 1971 song brown sugar which is about having sex with a slave. Something I wish I had realized before I chose it at Karaoke.

[Picture changes to Waymo taxis]

Officials with Waymo, a self driving taxi service say that after a year, robo taxis still have trouble with left turns and puddles. Which explains Waymo’s slogan “Let’s get in Way Mo’ accidents”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Woman gives birth to 14 pound baby” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in Arizona gave birth to a 14 pound baby boy. So now, Arizona has two grand canyons. It’s a math jokes. I’m surprised you didn’t get it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a mansion and Playboy logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. One of Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriends revealed that the Playboy mansion is haunted. She knew it was haunted because if you turn on a black light, you see ectoplasm everywhere.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of a python at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A British woman was shocked when she discovered a four foot long python in her toilet. But ey, that’s Indian food for you.