Tag: episode 15

Porch Scene

Josh… Kate McKinnon

Cassie… Zoë Kravitz

Jason… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Josh brings Cassie’s calculator to her home]

Cassie: Thanks for bringing over my calculator. I can’t believe I forgot it and study hall.

Josh: My pleasure. Yeah, well, my mother’s running late. So I’ll just stand by the mailbox and wait to be retrieved.

Cassie: No, Josh, wait, you can wait here. Come sit.

Josh: If you insist.

[they both sit on the couch in the porch. Cassie is comfortable but Josh is sitting awkwardly.]

Cassie: I just want to say it’s been really great being in math class with you.

Josh: Honestly, Cassie, I would have to return the sentiment.

Cassie: I love how you do impressions from the characters from Frasier.

Josh: “The Niles came quick.” I’m still working on my Raw.

Cassie: Totally. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad your mom is late.

Josh: Glad you said?

Cassie: Yeah. [holds Josh’s hand] Really glad.

Josh: Umm, can you just excuse me for one moment because I’m getting a phone call from my Schwab agent. [pulls out his phone and calls his friend] [whispering] Yes, hello. Is my BFF Jason there? Yeah, so hold.

Jason: Hello, you have Jason.

Josh: Jason. Jason, you’re not gonna believe I’m about to tell you. I am sitting exceedingly close to the Hilary Duff of our algebra class.

Jason: Whoa! I’m glad you called me. I’m only straight boy in my ballet class. So I’m pretty much experienced now. Okay, so tell me, what your body language?

Josh: So I am facing away from her and I’m clinging to the edge for dear life a marvelous.

Jason: And what is she doing?

Josh: Oh, please. She’s looking at me.

Jason: Okay, my friend. We find ourselves in choppy waters. We need to take her breath away. Whisper a secret in her ear and do it sensually.

Josh: Yes, please hold. [whispering in Cassie’s ear] I once got mono from a trombone.

Cassie: Wow. Thanks for telling me that. I feel like I know you better.

Josh: [back on the phone] Okay, that one shockingly well.

Jason: Oh, good noozle chap. Now. Time to impress. Tell her about a recent accomplishment.

Josh: Right oh. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, so my parents said I was actually very emotionally mature when they put down my turtle.

Cassie: Wow, at least he didn’t suffer.

Josh: He actually did. The doctor didn’t hit him in the right spot.

Cassie: That’s intense. Sounds like you were really strong.

Josh: [back on the phone] Jason, against all odds, I’m continuing to crush.

Jason: Wow, with my advice, I can’t feign surprise. But you need to find out if she’s truly available.

Josh: Yes, of course. Hold on. [talking to Cassie] Cassie, are you currently dating anyone?

Cassie: No, I’m done with Jax. I like quiet guys, or actually girls too.

Josh: [back on the phone] Consider my brand short circuited. We have a modern woman on our hands.

Jason: Good. Then let up the romance. Act like you’re in a movie and wipe an eyelash from her face.

Josh: Oh, brilliant. Stand by please. [Josh wipes Cassie’s eyes very fast] Okay, I did it.

Jason: Okay, how did it go?

Josh: I didn’t tell her that’s what I was doing, so not sure.

Cassie: It’s getting a little late. Do you mind if I put my head on your shoulder?

Josh: Yes. Shoulder shoulder available. [Cassie puts her head on Josh’s shoulder]

Cassie: I like this.

Josh: Jason things are progressing.

Jason: My good man. Okay, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Call attention to your knee so that she knows it’s there.

[Josh starts pointing on his knee]

Now, if she likes, she may touch it with her own.

[Cassie moves her leg near Josh’s]

Josh: Okay, we have contracted via the knee. We have affirmative patella on patella. Also I can feel my penis in my head.

Jason: Oh this is officially above my paygrade.

Josh: Jason, Jason, You have to stay with me. The stakes are life and death. What now?

Jason: Okay. Check her shoulder demeanor. Is it stiff or is it loose?

Josh: Okay, remain on the line please. [when Josh tries to look at Cassie’s shoulder, she faces him to kiss.] Oh dear god. She’s met my gaze. We are looking at each other and we’re becoming soulmates.

Jason: Okay, Roger, dodger, you oh codger.

Josh: I find myself afraid, not of love but of losing our friendship.

Jason: Now, shaver this my good man. This is the spice of life.

Cassie: Hey, can we kiss now?

Josh: You heard the lady. I’ll see you on the other side.

Jason: I’m gonna be an uncle!

Old Home Movies

Ego Nwodim

Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Mother: All right, I put all the food away and now my kitchen is clean. Please nobody go in there and mess it up.

Daughter and Son: Yes, mom.

Mother: Now What are y’all watching?

Daughter: Some of dad’s old home movies.

Son: Wait, what’s going on?

[The video is of their dad recording himself addressing them]

Father: Hey, kids. It’s me daddy. If you’re watching this video, it means I’m already dead.

Daughter: Where’s dad?

Mother: He’s upstairs on the toilet. Where did you find this tape?

Father: I hid this tape in a box labeled big fish that I call so your mama wouldn’t watch it. There’s so much that I want to tell you kids that your mama don’t know.

Daughter: Maybe we should turn this off.

Mother: No, no, no. I want to hear this.

Father: Now, by now the lawyers have probably informed you that I am flat broke.

Mother: Broke? What the hell happened to our savings?

Father: I was too embarrassed to say anything. No man wants to have to tell his family, I blew my whole retirement on JB smoothes new sports betting app.

Son: Already? I just downloaded that for him last week.

Mother: [calling his husband] Walter get down here.

Daughter: No mom, we can’t let daddy know we saw this.

Father: And don’t worry about my funeral. I took care of everything. All you got to do is pay for it.

Daughter: Why would daddy make this video? Is he sick?

Father: Ain’t no telling what finally took me out. Could have been Rona, could have been because I drink a glass of water since 2003, could have been JB Smoove coming to collect.

[flushing sound]

Son: That was the toilet.

Daughter: Dad must be coming down. Let’s turn this off.

Mother: That was only his first flush. We still got about Daughter0 minutes.

Father: Let’s see what else. What else. Also I got a secret daughter.

Mother: A secret daughter?

Daughter: Oh my god.

Father: It’s not how you think. I would never cheat on your mother raw. The truth is I was a sperm donor back in the day. But I never would have done that dad I known that they was gonna use that sperm to make babies.

Son: What did he think they were gonna use it for?

Father: And to my only son, Walter Jr., I want to apologize for passing down the erectile dysfunctions.

Daughter: Ew!

Son: What? I don’t have that.

Father: Now, you may not have it right now, but you definitely will. Because you are my son. That’s why I am leaving you my special pump. I even put some googly eyes on it so other’s won’t know what it is. It might not get you all the way there but trust me, it gets you closer.

Son: Can you fast forward past this point?

Father: Look, maybe I wasn’t the best dad or the best husband, but I want you kids to know that I tried my very best to write the greatest crime drama Hollywood has ever seen. It’s called Dallas City Bouncers.

Daughter: City Bouncers?

Mother: Oh God not this stupid movie.

Father: Open on windy Dallas night. Lone saxophone cries out in the distance. Camera reveals detective Rico Trumaine played by the brother from Django Unchained. What was his name?

Son: Jamie Foxx?

Father: You know, the main brother that play Ray.

Daughter: Jamie Foxx.

Father: He was on the Jamie Foxx show. He was the man.

Daughter and Son: Jamie Foxx.

Mother: You know, I can’t wait this man. Just fast forward past this movie idea.

Father: With the money from the DVD sales, you should be able to pay back JB Smoove once and for all.

[shower sound]

Daughter: I think that’s the shower.

Mother: So we got more time. Hit play.

Father: As I was saying, I want you kids to give this important message to your mama for me. Baby when I met you, you were the smartest, most beautiful girl at the disco. And I was just some struggling backup singer for the commodores. I just want to tell you, I was never a backup singer for the commodore.

Mother: I can’t believe your father lied to me.

Son: I can’t believe he gave me the erectile dysfunction.

Father: Also baby, I have something that’s very valuable. It’s buried in a top secret location.

Mother: What is it?

Father: But before I tell you that, let me tell you about Dallas City Bouncers II, Rico’s Revenge.

Mother: Oh lord, just fast forward.

Father: It’s gonna be starring– What’s his name? He sings r&b too. You know who I’m talking about.

Maid of Honor

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Tanya… Cecily Strong

Nate… Chris Redd

Announcer… Mikey Day

Sarah… Zoë Kravitz

Sarah’s husband… Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Nate giving toast for his friends’ wedding]

Nate: You know, I always got the sense that Matt looked down on me. But that’s only because he’s two inches taller. But I’m so happy for you, buddy. I love you, bro. To Matt and Tanya. Cheers.

[Announcer walks up]

Announcer: Okay, how about a hand for Matt’s best man, Nate? Yeah. I’m sorry. I’m chewing that was just an incredibly short speech. It opened with the look down on me, Joe. And then it just kind of ended a few sentences later. I was sure it would be longer, which is why I took a bite of food, but I was wrong. But still a very nice speech from Nate. Okay, now let’s hear from the maid of honor, Tanya’s best friend, Sarah. Come on up, Sarah.

[Sarah walks up]

Sarah: Hi, I’m Sarah. Matt, let me tell you something. You’re really lucky guy. Because Tanya is the best girl in the world.

Matt: Aw. Yeah, she is.

Sarah: Girl’s like a sister to me. And not just because we both seen my dad naked.

Matt: [feeling uncomfortable but smiling] Okay.

Sarah: She’s always had my back. Even when nobody else agreed with me, she always said, “Sarah, if you’re sober enough to drive, then I believe you.” And that meant the world to me, girly. And when I’d stumble, when I’d make a mistake, she’d never make me feel bad. She’d say “Girlie, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody knew that thing was loaded.”

Matt: Did she shoot someone?

Tanya: Shh, babe, I’m trying to listen.

Sarah: And when she’s going through a tough time herself, she doesn’t complain. No. She dances, professionally.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Tanya: Babe, shh!

Sarah: She’s not perfect.

Tanya: No way.

Matt: What kind of dancing?

Sarah: She’s been a bit of a bride Zilla. And not just because she’s attacked a lot of Japanese people. I am in awe of her. I don’t know about all of you. But if nine of my last boyfriends killed themselves, I would give up on romance. But not Tanya.

Matt: She’s joking, right?

Sarah: She believes in love. When I started dating my now husband, she was so happy for me. Everyone else said, “You’re a monster.” But what did you say, Girlie?

Tanya: You’re not a monster. You’re just his math teacher.

Sarah: That’s right. Love is love. Right baby?

Sarah’s husband: [pouring salt on his food. He is very young.] No doubt.

Sarah: But most of all, Tanya is brave. Girlie, I know you remember this? We were at a protest fighting for justice and you got right in that cop’s face. No fear at all. And do you remember what you said?

Tanya: I’m storming the Capitol and I’m gonna kill Mike Pence.

[Now Sarah is starting to get worried]

Sarah:  That’s right. And Matt, you make her so happy. I don’t want to embarrass anyone. But when you guys first got together, Tanya and I were having some girl talk and I said, you know, how’s the chemistry in the bedroom?

Matt: [laughing] No. Hey, here we go.

Sarah: And she said he’s trying his best.

[Matt is disappointed]

And that’s what makes Matt different from the hundreds and hundreds of other guys that she’s dragged home over the year.

Matt: Hundreds?

Tanya: Shh, baby!

Sarah: I’m sure maybe he’s not famous like Steve O’ from Jackass or Wee Man from Jackass. Maybe he’s not mysterious, like Bam from Jackass. But he puts in the work like Johnny Knoxville from Jackass.

Matt: So you just got with the whole Jackass gang?

Tanya: Honey, I listened to your friend speech. Okay?

Sarah: She loved you right away, Matt. After your first date, she said I met my person. And she deleted all the dating apps, Match, Tinder, ChokePony, Tour Dark Web browser, all of them? At least I think she did. Ha-ha-ha.

Tanya: No, I did. Come on. You can check my phone. [pulls out three phones out of her purse]

Matt: Why do you have three phones?

Sarah: So yeah, she loves you, man. And I know when she’s finally able to get her kids back, they’re gonna love you too.

Matt: What kids?

Sarah: And all those kids’ dads are gonna respect you.

Matt: What kids and what dads?

Tanya: Shh!

Sarah: Not every man who has the courage to marry Suge Knight’s ex. But you do Matt. You do. So congrats to both of you. Cheers.

Tanya: Thanks, girlie.

Matt: [thinking to himself] I’m gonna die.

Film Critic Terry Finks 2022 Oscars Predictions

Colin Jost

Terry Fink… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well it’s officially Oscar season and here to give his predictions for Hollywood’s biggest night is film critic Terry Fink.

[Terry Fink slides in]

Terry Fink: Mr. Jost, it’s a privilege to be back my sir.

Colin Jost: Terry, I understand you’ve seen every single film up for an Oscar this year, is that right?

Terry Fink: Bingo host, and every film not nominated too. It’s been one heck of a 48 hours.

Colin Jost: Wait, I’m sorry. You watched every single movie from this year in the last two days. How is that even possible?

Terry Fink: Oh, all thanks to a little multivitamin I take called LSD. The LSD helps me LS-see all these terrific films. First up my pick for best flick, Power of the Dog. Who led this dog out of the closet? That’s the question posed by director Jane Campion in this hysterical gay Western. Benedict Cumberbatch rides high as the titular Dog, the Bounty Hunter. That is until bizarrely stepping through the screen just to make fun of my undies and the voice of my middle school boy. Aside from that, it’s the best movie I’ve ever seen. Colin?

Colin Jost: Yeah, Power of the Dog isn’t about dog, the bounty hunter. And you realize LSD isn’t a vitamin. It’s a hallucinogen.

Terry Fink: Ha-ha. You say tomato, I say [gibberish]. Next up in animation, fun for the whole Familia and Encanto feels worse than being on fire. Pan drawn by the legendary auteur, the Zodiac Killer. All gray throbbing the stress dream does dragon spots but local gangster rapper Lin Manuel Samantha saves the day once again with his catchy hit, Colin JostTerry Fink hours of screaming. This film warmed my heart, broke my brain and sold my kidney for Dogecoin. I give Encanto 10 Tiny terrified Terry’s. Mr. President?

Colin Jost: Man, Terry, I gotta say I’m really starting to worry about you.

Terry Fink: And I’m starting to worry there is no Terry. C’est la vie. Yeah. Okay, next up my pick for best original screenplay, Kenneth Branagh’s Belfast. Get the tissues ready as Johnny Knoxville and his band Bop around town and torture each other’s balls. In this troubles era tear jerker. But it’s Dame Judi Dench, who literally sewers as we man shot out of a cannon directly into my open mouth. I couldn’t stop laughing or crying or doing the Nae-Nae until I was forcibly removed by Regal Cinemas strongest teams. I give Jack ass Belfast 4D 20 twerking ticklish Terry’s. Terry?

Colin Jost: You’re Terry.

Terry Fink: And you’re a wonderful friend. Too bad I’m gonna eat your face.

Colin Jost: Terry Fink, everyone.

Terry Fink: I’m gonna do it though. Yeah.

Dont Stop Believin

Heidi Gardner

Clara… Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a group of friends at a restaurant]

Heidi: So after 36 hours they said, “Sorry, ma’am. We found the killer. You can go.”

[everyone laughs]

Clara: Classic.

Chris: All the uses.

Ego: Unrelated, has anyone heard that new Doja Cat song?

Clara: Oh yeah, it’s so fresh. She’s such a forward thinking artist.

Chris: Not yet. But everyone’s gotta listen to a Lil’ Dirk’s Straight Fire.

Bowen: Oh, speaking of Straight Fire, you know what I’ve been really into lately? The marching band version of Don’t Stop Believing.

Clara: What?

Bowen: Yeah, yeah, I’ve been like mainlining that track? I mean, I have it queued up actually. You guys want to hear it?

Chris: No, that’s okay.

Bowen: Aww. Come on. Let me break you off a piece.

Ego: Don’t ever call playing music that.

Bowen: Cortana play “Don’t Stop Believin” by Ohio State University marching band.

Chris: Is that a Windows phone?

Ego: Did you just say Believin?

Bowen: Yeah, there’s a typo on Spotify. Shut up. It’s starting. [music playing] Do you guys hear?

Heidi: Hear what?

Bowen: It’s Tubas playing the baseline. Like who thinks of that?

Chris: Marching band?

Bowen: Shh.

Ego: What are we waiting for?

Bowen: It’s coming. There. The drums. Taka-taka-taka-taka-taka-taka. It’s like steam arising from the asphalt after a sun shower, and just percolating up and up and up and up and upward. Imagine walking down the street to this, feeling invincible. Like your whole life is ahead of you, like you’re on your way to your high school graduation and you’re going to make real mistakes in life into a song of gradual building until suddenly–

Chris: Is it over?

Bowen: It’s just beginning.

[Waiter walks in with the food]

Waiter: Hey, who ordered–

[Bowen throws away the food]

Bowen: Not now!

Clara: This is incredible.

Bowen: So you feel it too? Like…

Clara and Bowen: Anything is possible and all that was once beautiful can be again?

Bowen: Wait! Stop here. The instruments are doing the thing that Steven Tyler is singing.

Ego: Steven Tyler wasn’t in journey.

Bowen: It doesn’t matter. Okay? The music is transporting me. Am I in heaven or am I on Rainbow Road and freaking Mario Kart eight?

Clara: Oh! Imagine playing play Mario Kart to this song.

Bowen: Argh, sister, I’ve done it. And look. Now they’re doing the guitar part with a trumpet.

Clara: I didn’t know trumpet could do guitar.

Bowen: Well, they can. [singing loudly]

Chris: Those aren’t the words.

Ego: And no one has ever called it San Francisc.

Bowen: Okay, I’m getting hits to off. None of you are getting my money when I die. Except Clara.

Clara: You know the first time meeting and I really disliked you based off your social media posts, but I am so happy to be wrong. Who is this again?

Bowen: It’s the OSU marching band after album Buff by Bangers? They’re like the biggest band in the world. And violins.

Clara: And that cello.

Bowen: Oh my god, it’s amazing. [singing loudly]

Clara: Seriously, imagine playing Mario Kart eight and hearing this!

Bowen: It honestly inspires me to do so much better at Mario Kart. I just started read shelling the hell out of tone while I’m cruising down Rainbow Road which is where…

Clara and Bowen: This all takes place.

Chris: The marching band version of “Don’t Stop Believin” takes place on Rainbow Road?

Bowen: It does. If you don’t stop Belevin and are taken us home.

Clara: That was amazing. I’ve never heard a song without words before. I can’t believe it’s over.

Bowen: Me neither. But in many ways, it’s just beginning. Life that is.

Ego: Are you guys about to hook up?

Chris: That doesn’t make any sense.

Heidi: You’re both gay.

Bowen: Not anymore.

Clara: I still am.

Bowen: Me too. Cortana, play the Vinyl Belts. [singing loudly]

Can I Talk to You

Ego Nwodim

Zoë Kravitz

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

[Starts with Ego walking out of Quick Mart. Zoë is filling up the gas tank of her car. They are well dressed.]

Zoë: Is this thing busted or something? It’s taking forever.

Ego: Girl, Biden better do something about these gas prices?

Zoë: I know, right? $6 a gallon. What are they using, casamigos?

[Chris walks to them. He looks homeless.]

Chris: Excuse me? I ain’t trying to bother y’all but I’m looking very beautiful tonight.

Ego: Oh, boy.

Zoë: Here we go.

Chris: I just want to know if I can get your number or something, you know I’m saying?

Ego and Zoë: No.

Chris: Damn, saying no. Can I at least like, talk to you for a second? You know what I’m saying?

Zoë: You got a hole in your jacket.

Chris: So what though? What? You got a man or something like that?

Zoë: Yeah.

Ego: I’m married.

Chris: So what though? I can’t get to know you now?

Ego: You got bags on your feet. [He’s wearing plastic bags instead of shoes]

Chris: So what though? I mean, I can’t talk to you?

Zoë: Talk about what?

Ego: Do you work here or something?

Chris: No, I got no job. But I get money though! [showing his collection of cans]

Zoë: By collecting cans?

Chris: Don’t worry about all that. I’m saying, girl, can I get your phone number or something?

Ego: I think your car is on fire.

Chris: What does that even mean?

Zoë: She means your car is literally on fire right now.

[his car is on fire]

Chris: So what though? What you saying, baby? I can’t know your name?

Ego: Is that your baby?

Chris: Is what my baby?

Zoë: The baby in the stroller rolling into the streets.

Chris: Yeah, I guess that’s my baby. Why you can answer my questions though? That’s what I want want to know?

Zoë: Oh my god. What is your question?

Chris: I’m saying can I have your home address?

Ego: No.

[Mikey walks out of the store]

Mikey: Oh, what do we have here?

Ego: Oh, God. Will this pump Hurry up?

Mikey: Do my eyes deceive me, or am I looking at my future ex baby mom?

Ego: Ex baby mama? Then how would that happen?

Mikey: I’m saying though. What’s your name baby girl?

Zoë: Dude, are you peeing on yourself right now?

Mikey: Look, man, I’m just trying to get to know you, baby girl.

Chris: This my homie. We’re not trying to bother y’all.

Mikey: Yeah, we just want to know your sign. Are you a Virgo or a Sagittaricruz?

Ego: What happened to your teeth?

Mikey: My what?

Ego: Are you wearing a hospital gown?

Chris: I might be. You going to nurse me?

Mikey: Ooh!

Zoë: Oh, my God, why is this pump taking so long?

Chris: Girl, when are you going to let me take you out to Harry Potter World and drink some butter beer?

[a bird poops on Chris’s head]

Zoë: Ew!

Zoë: Do you know a bird just [bleep] on your head?

Chris: Don’t worry ’bout all that, girl.

Mikey: Yo, she got jokes!

Chris: I know, right?

Zoë: Is that a tail?

[Mikey has a tail]

Mikey: It might be!

Ego: A tail?

Chris: I’m trying to take you camping.

Mikey: Exactly, my man just trying to take you– [gets hit by a car]

Zoë: Oh, my God! Your friend just got hit by a car.

Chris: Don’t worry about all that. I can’t get a hug, though?

Ego: Okay, girl, let’s just get out of here.

Zoë: Yep.

[Engine starts and they leave]

[Mikey groaning]

Chris: Man, they was ugly, anyway. Let’s get out of here, man.

Mikey: They was busted!

Amazon Go`

[Starts with people entering a building using their phone at the entrance]

Female voice: Since 2018, Amazon has been showing customers a new way to shop where you can just grab and go. It’s Amazon Go.

Heidi: So I just grabbed what I want and leave?

Female voice: Yep.

Heidi: Wow, that’s so easy.

Female voice: Use the Amazon Go app to enter, then start shopping.

Alex: That’s it?

Female voice: That’s it? No lines. No checkouts.

Chloe: No problem.

Female voice: In an Amazon Go store, you can walk in grab what you want, put it in your bag and just go.

Kenan: Oh, you want me to just take something and walk out? Na, son.

Female voice: It’s so convenient.

Kenan: No, no, no. That’s a trap.

Female voice: We know some people are skeptical.

Ego: Some people?

Female voice: Look, here’s how it works. We use computer vision, deep learning algorithms, and sensor fusion.

Ego: Oh, okay. So it’s a trap?

Punkie: So where do you pay?

Female voice: There’s no register. It all happens with our Grab and Go technology.

Punkie: But where do you pay?

Female voice: You don’t.

Punkie: No, I do. I always pay. Okay. Who do you think I am?

Female voice: It’s simple. Take what you want, put it in your own bag and walk out. And we have everything you love.

Zoë: Oh, hey, they have my favorite brand of Kombucha.

Andrew: Oh, that’s great. You should grab it.

Zoë: Sure. [pauses] Can you grab it?

Andrew: Just grab it.

Zoë: You should pick it up.

Andrew: Hey, it’s fine.

Zoë: Take it up.

Andrew: I’m learning.

Female voice: If you change your mind, just put it back. Our technology will update your virtual cart instantly.

Chris: [in loud voice trying to get attention] Okay, I am putting the sandwich back y’all. I have decided to get a different sandwich today. [showing the empty bag] I got no more sandwiches now. god.

Female voice: So get your purchase and go. [Kenan is at the radio-frequency beeper machine at the exit. He doesn’t know if he should go.] Go ahead, leave. Just walk out.

Kenan: [scared] Here I go. [he walks out and nothing happens] [celebrating] Yay! [he comes back and puts the cash on the machine]

Female voice: You don’t have to do that. You’ve already paid.

Kenan: Well then, it’s a tip. [in loud voice] It’s a tip!

Zoë: If you’re trying to trick me– [beeping] Here we go!

Andrew: It’s just notifying you of your receipts.

Zoë: [with her hands up] It was him!

Chris: Alexa, search “Amazon Go store black man trapped.”

Female voice: Amazon Go. No lines. No checkout. No, seriously.

Punkie: That’s a damn trap!

Weekend Update- Sidney Powell on Being Sued by Dominion

Michael Che

Sidney Powell… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Sidney Powell tried to dismiss a lawsuit against her by dominion voting systems saying no reasonable person would believe her. Here to explain herself is Sidney Powell.

[Sidney Powell slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Sidney Powell: Oh. Hey, Michael. Do you like my little bolo tie? It’s from the western wear section of Talbot’s.

Michael Che: It’s lovely. So, it seems like you’re in a lot of trouble. I mean, back in November, you went on TV many times and you said you had absolute proof that Dominion voting machines were rigged to steal the election from Donald Trump.

Sidney Powell: Fake news.

Michael Che: I’m just repeating what you said.

Sidney Powell: No. I meant me. I am fake news. According to my lawyers, nothing I say should be taken seriously. isn’t that just confusing? I’m kind of a mystery. You hear the name Sidney Powell and you think I might be an esteemed older black gentlemen like Colin Powell or Sidney Poitier. And yet, here I am, a white lady dressed like Fred Flinstone’s mother in law.

Michael Che: And now you’re getting sued?

Sidney Powell: Oh, cheese and rice, Michael. I’m gonna beat this lawsuit, okay? I come from tough stock. My Meemaw was a proud southern woman from North Carolina. And my Peepaw was a wild turkey. Okay? I’m gonna release the kraken.

Michael Che: What is that?

Sidney Powell: The kraken is an ancient sea monster but in this case, the kraken is a 65 year old woman who keeps a sack of Southern Living magazines in the back of her toilet.

Michael Che: So you’re not worried about the lawsuit?

Sidney Powell: Not a bit. Okay, actually, I am honored to be in the same company of other folks sued by Dominion. Patriots like former crackhead, turned king of pillows, Michael Lindell. And former king of New York turned crackhead Rudolph Giuliani.

Michael Che: You serious?

Sidney Powell: Michael, does this face look like I’m lying?

Michael Che: You look like the joker. And what you’re saying is probably liable.

Sidney Powell: Well, you know what they say. You can’t call it liable if it’s all jible-jable. And you can’t it slander if it sounds hoo-loo-loo-loo.

Michael Che: Nobody says that.

Sidney Powell: Michael, let me ask you a question. Did you build an ark? Cause the great flood’s coming, okay? And you are just up to your neck and water going, “Oh, where’s all my animals?” And there I’m on a big old boat holding your dog and I’m like, “Later, skater.”

Michael Che: What are you talking about?

Sidney Powell: I’m talking about the kraken, son. Okay? She’s gonna ride you hard and put you away wet coz when this kraken comes out, you’re gonna be walking with a limp, okay? All that’s gonna be left of you is Air Jordans just smoking and Colin Jost’s gonna be like, “Where’s my friend Michael Che? Where’s my friend Michael Che?” Cut to me just holding the flame thrower. Hoo-loo-loo-loo.

Michael Che: I have no idea what you’re saying.

Sidney Powell: Okay. So, what you’re saying is I’m crazy and no reasonable person would believe me? Ha! Case closed. Defense rest. Sir, you walked right into that one. But you did.

Michael Che: Sidney Powell, everybody.

Weekend Update- National Puppy Day and Black Muppets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of calendar marked on March 23 and a puppy at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tuesday was national puppy day. Unfortunately, at Subway. [picture changes to a Subway sandwich. There’s a dog’s tail hanging out of the sandwich.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Wallet returned to woman after 70 years.]

Michael Che: A school at Virginia is returning a wallet to a woman 70 years after she lost it in the school gym. “Well, how do you like that?”, said a black man still in jail for stealing it.

[picture changes to a realdoll]

The makers of realdoll are saying that within 10 years they will be able to make walking, talking sex dolls with real emotions. Just what I wanted. A sex doll that walks into the room and says, “So, what are we?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sesame Street logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Sesame Street has introduced two new black muppets to help explain racial difference to children. Which begs the question, “Are these muppets white?” [picture changes to the old muppets. They’re all colorful.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Hmm. A Goldman Sachs executive has bought Jeffery Epstein’s former upper east side mansion for more than $50 million. Man, if those walls could talk, I bet they’d commit suicide they got the chance to talk.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a new yellow Pepsi at left top corner.]

Colin Jost:  Pepsi announced a new Peeps flavored soda for Easter. It’s perfect for Easter because it will make your digestive system say, “Jesus Christ!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of candles at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Miller Lite is now selling bar scented candles including one called “Dog Bar”. For preview of the smell, miss the toilet for a week.

Weekend Update- Bowen Yang on the Rise of Anti-Asian Hate Crimes

Colin Jost

Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Across the country, rallies are being held to condemn the rise of anti-asian hate crimes. Here to share resources on how you can help is asian cast member, Bowen Yang.

[Bowen Yang slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Bowen Yang: Hi. Wait, is that my official title? Asian cast member?

Colin Jost: That’s how you told me to introduce you.

Bowen Yang: Yeah, I set your ass up. Feels good. Hi, everyone. So, things for asians in this country have been bleak for the past two weeks and all weeks before that since forever. But there’s a lot of work to do and I found some posts online with action items everyone can take to help.

Colin Jost: Oh, right. I’ve seen those on Instagram, like, list of places to donate to?

Bowen Yang: Yes. And here are some that I found super helpful. “Six ways you can check in on your AAPI friends and tell them they’re so hot.”

Colin Jost: Is that real?

Bowen Yang: Yes. Um, guess people just want to help us anyway they can. Here’s a list of something I’ve seen a lot of activists post. “Amplify these asian voices who want more Paneras in north Brooklyn.”

Colin Jost: That’s really something that asian communities are concerned about?

Bowen Yang: Yeah, it is for the ones in my neighborhood. Okay, fine. Here’s something that we can all do. “Call your senators and demand that they know about the lesbian characters in Sailor Moon!”

Colin Jost: Bowen, no offense but this is actually helpful to all asians?

Bowen Yang: Ugh. Maybe. I don’t know, Colin. Okay? Maybe. What could I say to help how insanely bad things are. If someone’s personality is ‘punch an asian grandma’, it’s not a dialog. I have an asian grandma, you wanna punch her. There ain’t no common ground, mama.

Colin Jost: Yeah, that’s tough.

Bowen Yang: I mean, I see my friends donating and I tell them that’s great. But then I also tell them do more. Like, okay, you’re ordering from some Chinese restaurants, great. Do more. Let me know when you feed your white kids chicken feet. You cried during Minari? Congratulations. I was sobbing into my boner for Steven Yan. Do more. Why are you telling me that you tipped your manicurist well? Let me know when you get on your knees and scrub her feet while she looks at your phone. Do more.

Colin Jost: You’re right. I should do that.

Bowen Yang: Yeah. You should, specifically. I can’t address any of this without bringing class or gender or imperialism. I don’t even want to be doing this Update piece. I wanted to do my character – gay passover bunny. But it’s too smart for the show.

Colin Jost: It’s too smart? It was 20 minutes long.

Bowen Yang: Whatever. You’re scared. I’m just a comedian. I don’t have the answers. But I’m not just looking for them online. I’m looking around me. The GoFundMe for Xiao Zhen Xie, the grandmother who fought back against her attacker raised $900,000 which she immediately gave back to the community. That’s where we are as asians. Now, come meet us there. In Mandarin there is a cheer goes – “Chya Yo”, which basically means fuel up. I don’t know what’s helpful to say to everyone, but that’s what I say to myself. Fuel up. Do more. It’s the year of the metal ox, which basically means a car. So everyone, get in, buckle up. It’s no pee breaks. We ride at dawn, grandmas.

Colin Jost: Bowen Yang, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.