Tag: Kate McKinnon

Stu

Santa… Jason Bateman

Elves… Chloe Fineman, Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

Stu… Pete Davidson

Dido… Kate McKinnon

Elton John… Bowen Yang

[Starts with elves reading letters from children to Santa]

Elf: But the thing i want more than anything in the whole world is a new bike. Love, chase.

Santa: Ho ho ho! What a good boy! Let’s give him that bike and a helmet!

Elf: Good thinking, Santa!

Elf: Oh, and here’s one from Emily. “Dear Santa, this year I want a Disney princess mirror!”

Shanta: That’s exactly what she’ll get, huh? Who’s next? Rupert?

Elf: Um…

Santa: Rupert, what is it?

Elf: It’s just, heh, mine’s a little weird.

Santa: I’m sure it’s not that weird. just read it!

Elf: Um, okay. But it starts normal enough. Dear Santa…

[Cut to underground where 1 is writing a letter. It’s a copy of music video of “Stan” bye Eminem ft. Dido.]

[“Stan” instrumental playing]

Stu: [rapping] Dear Santa, I can’t believe the year is almost over
It’s getting colder, I’m a year older, but I’m still your soldier
You’re my hero because you always bring me the assist
So once again we’re back to zero, here we go, my Christmas list
I won’t be greedy or needy or ask you for too much
Just want one thing, and I hope you still got that magic touch
’cause gettin’ this present is the only thing keeping me alive
Dear Santa Claus, please bring me a PS5
I tried to buy one at Walmart, ran around the mall like Paul Blart
Tried to buy one on sale, but the thing was, they’re all out
Yo, I even went to a game stop, but then I went “Oh, wait, stop!
Santa Claus can make one, he’s got his own workshop.”
I know you prob’ly hear this every day, but you got a cool hat
I love that movie you did with Will Ferrell, man, elf was phat
Anyways, I love the things you do
Don’t forget, bring me gift, truly i believe in you
This is Stu

[Cut to an elf dropping Stu’s letter on the floor while delivering them to Santa]

Dear Santa, I notice you never wrote me a letter back
That’s fine, dawg, but really, I think that’s kinda wack
If you can’t help your biggest fan, then you should just retire
Or next time you slide down my chimney, I’ll set your ass on fire
Just playin’, I still love you, don’t think that I’m obsessed
I even got a tattoo of your name across my chest
Just bring that PS5, bro, if it’s the only thing you do
Sincerely, Stu. p.s. we should live together. cue dido

[Cut to Dido sleeping on a mattress holding a PS5]

Dido: [singing] Stu is waiting for his surprise
To open up a PS5
He just really wants to play
Assassin’s creed on Christmas day
But he can’t buy it himself because he lost his job
He was stealing from his boss
I’d be worried ’cause he’s a scary guy
A scary guy

[Cut to Stu driving a car in a raining night. He’s recording his message while driving.]

Stu: Dear mister holly jolly two-faced son of a bitch
I hope you crash your sleigh and wind up face-down in a ditch
I guess even the great saint Nick can’t track down a PS5
Hey Santa, I drank a fifth of eggnog, dare me to drive
You ruined Christmas, I wish I never told you what was on my wishlist
Screw you, your elves, your stupid beard, and your bitch tits
So this’ll be my last letter, i know you’ll miss me when I’m gone
Sincerely yours, Stu. ladies and gentlemen, sir Elton John

[Cut to Elton John singing while playing piano]

Elton John: [singing]This year Christmas will be bad
’cause Santa sucks and Stu is sad
Already asked you really nicely
And now he’s really pissed off
I’m just telling you ’cause I like you a lot
I’m a big fan of Santa
And I also want a PS5
A PS5

[Cut to Santa and elves talking]

Elf: Santa, this is serious!

Elf: Don’t panic, don’t panic!

Elf: I’m freaking out! Aaaah!

Santa: All right, all right! I think it’s time I write a letter back to Stu.

[rapping] Dear Stu, I think you got the wrong address, bro.
I’m not Santa Claus. Bye Bye!”

Elf: Damn!

[Cut to a TV screen It shows Eminem reading a letter from Santa]

Eminem: What’s this? “To shady, from Santa.” That’s crazy, a PS5? I didn’t even ask for this. Shady must have been a good boy this year. Sorry, Stu. You f—– up

Sleepover 2

Father… Jason Bateman

Jean… Heidi Gardner

Angel… Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Megan… Kate McKinnon

Stacey… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a father interrupting girls’ sleepover]

Father: Hey, hey, hey, girls. I’m sorry to interrupt. Lame ass dad is interrupting the sleepover. I’m just kidding. It’s me and I’m sorry that I cursed. Okay. Now, I wanted to talk to you girls please.

Jean: Is everything okay, dad?

Father: Absolutely. I don’t want to make anybody feel bad but something has happened upstairs. It’s a little bit embarrassing to talk about as a dad but it is totally natural. So, we’ll just– we’re gonna talk it out.

Girls: Okay.

Father: Alright. It looks as if someone has left a… um… a… a… a menstrual period stain on one of the couch cushions. It’s sort of big.

Jean: Oh, no! Will it come out?

Father: Well, whoever did it tried to put the whole cushion in the washing machine .

Angel: Did that break it?

Father: It sure did break it, angel. It broke it real bad. It overflowed and I think that the person panicked and tried to hide all the suds in your backpacks. Then they put the cushion in the dryer which really baked it in.

Ego: Oh, no.

Father: Yes. Yeah. Then they found some scissors. They cut a hole on the cushion which made the feathers from inside sort of explode all over the place. Jean, where’s Megan?

Jean: Um.. I don’t know. She went upstairs like, a long time ago.

Father: Yeah. Okay.

[Megan walks down. Her hair is messy and all the pillow feathers are on her.]

Megan: Hey, what’s up?

Father: There she is. Hello, Megan. Can you please join us here on the couch? We’re just having a little chat because well, somebody had their period on a cushion and put a real big part of the couch in the wash.

Megan: [trying to act shocked] Whoa! You kidding me?

Father: Yeah. No, I’m not kidding at all.

Megan: [looking at the girls] Man, one of you has got a lot of explaining to do. Alright, I’m gonna head out. Happy birthday.

Father: No, no, no. I’d love you to stick around. We’re just talking with your gal pals here trying to do a little figuring out of a mystery and we’re just trying to figure out what happened.

Megan: Yeah, I think we should. There is a sicko among us. But it’s definitely not me because I wear monster tamps. I just like the way it feels. Big tamp in there. You know? Just take the applicator, put it in and then you poop it up.

Father: Well, I’d sure love less details.

Megan: Also, sir, I do wear a big leather underwear. Motorcycle style. I’m kink for sure.

Father: Even less would be dynamite.

Megan: [whispering on Father’s ear] Honestly, it was probably Stacey. She rides horses. Probably stretched herself out. The gate is open, if you know what I mean.

Stacey: Oh, man. Don’t talk about my gate.

Father: Okay, listen. I’m going to keep going with what happened. They took one of the pillows from our bed and brought that to replace the couch cushion but I guess they went ahead and they bled on that too.

Megan: Honestly, depraved.

Father: Then they sat on the floor, so there’s a part of the carpet that has been cut out now.

Megan: That’s just quick thinking.

Stacey: That’s a lot of stains.

Megan: Look, whoever did it, just come forward. Okay? We all get the same period, you guys. Jaundice, eight day vomit, homicidal ideations, speaking in tongues.

Ego: I don’t know that we share that.

Megan: We were all put on the pill and our bodies all fought it off. We all got an IUD and it rusted and passed.

Father: Girls, that’s enough. Here is the deal. The house is a rental. I’m gonna need to get my deposit back. So, unless I can give them some answers–

Megan: Come on, you guys. It is not a big deal. Just tell the hot dad that you kill billed his living room.

Father: Megan, I’d sure love to talk to you over here. Can we have a little side bar?

Megan: Ay, ay, captain.

Father: Okay. I want to give you a chance away from everyone else. Is there anything that you want to tell me?

Megan: I would like to make love to both you and your wife.

Father: Is there anything else that you would like to say?

Megan: You see, right now, it’s Megan0-Megan0 whether I will grow up to be gay. I propose we settle the question tonight with a game of spin the bottle. You, me, your wife.

Father: Okay. Never mind. I give up.

Angel: Wait. I have to confess something. I got a stain on a cushion and I put it in the washing machine. I’m sorry.

Stacey: Wait. I also got a stain on a cushion and put it in the washing machine.

Ego: Actually, so did I.

Jean: And I got a stain on a cushion, a sleeping bag, my training bra and the cockatiel. And I put them all on the washing machine.

Father: Girls. Thank you. I really appreciate your honesty. Megan, is there anything honest you would like to say to me?

Megan: No, there is not.

Father: Okie dokie. Please get back to your sleepover. Enjoy yourself. I’m sure everything is just going to be okay.

Girls: Thanks.

Michigan Hearings Cold Open

Rep. Matt Hall… Mikey Day

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson… Ego Nwodim

Rudy Guliani… Kate McKinnon

Ms. Ellis… Lauren Holt

Melissa Malone… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mike Lindell… Beck Bennett

Fred… Alex Moffat

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

[Starts with C-SPAN schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN which is honestly surprising. Up next: The Michigan state senate hears special testimony regarding allegations of fraud in the Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson0Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson0 presidential election.

[Cut to the representatives in the court]

[cheers and applause]

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. I hereby call this hearing of the senate oversight committee to order. It is my honor and also one of the great horrors of my life to welcome president Trump’s personal attorney Ruby Giuliani.

Rudy Guliani: Thank you, your honor. It’s great to be in a court room where I’m not the defendant.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: This isn’t a courtroom.

Rudy Guliani: Honestly, I’m just happy to be indoors. Now, as my associate Ms. Ellis will prove today, this election was stolen from the American people with a level of trickery not seen since Houdini. [farts] That wasn’t me. That was you guys. But President Trump and I are going to overturn these illegal votes first in Michigan, then in Gerogillvania, and then Pennsichhutes and then North Dekanadan.

Rep. Matt Hall: But isn’t it true that all your lawsuits have been rejected because they’re based on zero actual evidence?

Rudy Guliani: You want evidence? Okay. Well, today I have brought before you a dozen highly intelligent, barely intoxicated individuals who are all eyewitnesses. After hearing their testimony, you’re going to say, “Wow. Rudy was right and he’s getting smarter and more respected everyday.” [farts] [pointing at Ms. Ellis] That was her.

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Giuliani– [he can smell the fart] Oh, god! It’s hitting us up here now. You may call your first witness.

Rudy Guliani: Alright. I would like to present someone who worked directly with dominion voting systems, Miss Melissa Malone.

[Melissa Malone walks in]

Melissa Malone: Thank you. I swear to tell my whole story and nothing about my stories. So, help me god.

Rep. Matt Hall: Please tell us what exactly you witnessed with the dominion machines.

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. Maybe try losing that attitude first just like you lost all those Trump ballots.

Rep. Matt Hall: I don’t handle ballots.

Melissa Malone: Yes, exactly. So, you wouldn’t know, would you?

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Please just talk.

Melissa Malone: You’re going to regret saying that because I personally saw hundreds, if not, thousands of dead people vote.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: You saw them?

Melissa Malone: Yes. Basically yes. I remember because I was walking on and they were walking in. Then they gave their votes to democrats. Then you probably did something crazy with them, didn’t you?

Rep. Matt Hall: I don’t handle ballots and I am a republican.

Melissa Malone: Then you’re literally useless. You have no use. Did you check every poll? Did you talk to all the dead people?

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: We’re state senators.

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. I have been threatened. My kids have been threatened. My kids have threatened me and I’ve threatened them right back.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry, but this testimony is full of lies.

Melissa Malone: I’m not lying. I signed it after David.

Rep. Matt Hall: In after David?

Melissa Malone: Yes. That’s correct. David signed and then I signed right after David.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Okay, Ms. Malone.

Melissa Malone: Hah? You’re just lucky I need another drink.

[Melissa Malone leaves]

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Giuliani. You may call your next witness.

Rudy Guliani: Oh, yes. My next witness needs no introduction or at least I hope she doesn’t because I lost the paper with all her information on it. Honey, you want to come in here?Come on.

[Heidi walks in. She looks drunk.]

Heidi: Good evening, your honor.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m not a judge and it’s 11 AM. Why exactly are you here today?

Heidi: Well, your honor, I’m not proud of this but I need to come forward anyhow. You see, I ate ballots.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry. You ate ballots?

Heidi: That’s right. I didn’t mean to. But the democrats pulled up a food truck and said it’s lunchtime. They opened the truck and it was full. Full of ballot sandwiches, ballot pizzas, ballot steaks and ballot spaghettis.

Rep. Matt Hall: What is a ballot spaghetti?

Heidi: It’s a ballot, then I talk like this.

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. Thank you. Can we have the next witness please?

[There’s Mike Lindell holding a pillow]

Mike Lindell: I will provide witness. Hi, I’m Mike Lindell, inventor of My Pillow. Do you know a demo rat can hide over a million fake ballots a My Pillow and still get a great night sleep, refreshed and ready to steal election? Thanks to My Pillow.

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Lindell, is this a commercial for My Pillow?

Mike Lindell: I would like it to be. Yes.

Rep. Matt Hall: Okay. Let’s keep this moving please.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Are we just gonna let any random person come in here start talking?

[Melissa Malone walks in]

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. We are all here under oath. If you want to talk about random, I voted for Trump, yet Biden won? Hmm. Maybe a little too random. You aren’t even going to admit that dominion cheated.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: How exactly did dominion cheat?

Melissa Malone: Well, for starters, they cheated me out of my cheesy bread.

Rep. Matt Hall: I think you’re confusing dominion with Domino’s.

Melissa Malone: Either way, my vote took longer than Rudy Guliani0 minutes, so it’s supposed to be free.

Rudy Guliani: [whispering to Melissa Malone] Maybe you want to pull it back a little. I’m worried you’re making us look foolish. [farts] Safety.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Mr. Giuliani, your next witness?

Rudy Guliani: Okay. My next witness is extraordinary and I mean that in a mean way. Fred, go nuts. Come on.

[Fred walks in]

Fred: Thanks. Thank you. [Fred looks very angry] What had happened was I was sitting in my backyard when all of a sudden a silver ship hovered above me and a warm light beamed aboard the space craft.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m sorry, this is an alien abduction story?

Fred: Please sir, let me finish. Yes, it was aliens, but the shocking part was this. I saw them clearly filling out absentee ballots all of them for Biden!

Rep. Matt Hall: And when exactly did this happen?

Fred: About seven years ago.

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. Mr. Giuliani, do you have any witnesses that have testimony based in reality?

Rudy Guliani: Yes, I do. The defense calls Nicole Kidman’s character from the Undoing.

[Nicole Kidman walks in]

Nicole Kidman: Your honor, my husband Hugh Grant is innocent. There’s no way he could have been that murderer. He’s too hot and white.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m sorry. Where is your accent supposed to be from?

Nicole Kidman: It’s from the Upper East side of Australia. Crikey, it’s Zabar’s!

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry but do we have to keep listening to these people?

Melissa Malone: Yes, exactly. [now she has a glass of martini in her hand] Because we need to listen to our heart’s and our mimes. Even though it’s fraudulent erection, it can still get you pregnant.

Rudy Guliani: Hey, this chick is really on to something.

Rep. Matt Hall: Could everyone please stop drinking during the hearing?

[now Rudy Guliani also has a glass of whiskey in his hand]

Rudy Guliani: I would love to but if I don’t drink a scotch every 15 minutes, I explode.

Melissa Malone: And this is not drinking. It’s actually the covid vaccine. I’m taking it first because I’m at risk. I got two big old comorbidity titties.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Okay. We’re gonna call this hearing to a close.

[Kyle and Pete walk in]

Kyle: No. This will not stand. We will do the whole thing over again.

Pete: That’s right. If we get one more shot, we can get it right this time.

Rep. Matt Hall: You think we should just re-do the entire election?

Kyle: Oh… No. We’re talking about kidnapping the governor!

Pete: Yeah. If we have one more shot, we can get her to my basement for sure.

Rep. Matt Hall: And out of curiosity, then what?

Kyle: We… yell at her.

Pete: Yeah! Let them all get back to work!

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: And what are your current jobs?

Kyle: I repair things that I’ve broken.

Pete: And I’m curious about fossils.

Rep. Matt Hall: You are both dismissed. Mr. Giuliani, I have to ask, is any of this really appropriate?

[Rudy Guliani has his hands inside his pants.]

Rudy Guliani: Sorry, what? Oh, I blacked out for a second.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Jesus, man. Just wrap it up.

Rudy Guliani: In conclusionI would say the defense rests but we will never rest. Not until this election is overturned or I get a full part and $10 million in cash. If you like what you saw here today, we’re having a press conference right after this at the Ritz-Carlton…. plumbing and heating supply company right off 594 between a dirty movie theater and crematorium. Pets are not only allowed, they’re required.

Rep. Matt Hall: Thank you, Mr. Giuliani.

Rudy Guliani: No. Thank you.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update- Rudy Giuliani on Trump’s Election Lawsuits

Colin Jost

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: President Trump said he’s moving forward with legal challenges to vote counter cross the country. Here to comment is the man leading the chart, his personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani.

[Rudy Giuliani slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Rudy Giuliani: Wow! Wow! Wow! Look at that. If it ain’t De Blasio and Dinkins. Hello.

Colin Jost: Hi. Yeah. I get it. Hi, Rudy. Thanks so much for being here.

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Good times. Did you see my press conference today? It was at the Four Seasons. Fancy.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It sounds fancy but it was at a landscaping company called Four Seasons. Was that a mistake?

Rudy Giuliani: What? No. Anyway, I’m glad I made it to the show on time because first I went to 30 rocks. That’s a granite quarry in new Rochelle. What a night.

Colin Jost: Okay. Rudy. So, the president said he will be mounting some legal challenges to a lot of the votes out there. What is your strategy to do that?

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Listen, man. I got tons of strategies, okay? First, we’re going to throw out bogus mail in ballots. Colin, these ballots, they could be coming from Mars.

Colin Jost: Right. Yes. That is a real thing that you really did say.

Rudy Giuliani: That’s right. So, we’re going to demand that we look at all the names. If the name is Meatthorpe Zandar and the address is Mars, we’re gonna get those ballots thrown out. Plus, we got no idea if they really are ballots. They might be tortillas. We’re going to eat them and see if they’re tortillas. If my butt blows after I eat it, you know that’s a tortillas.

Colin Jost: That sounds like a great process. Now, your team, they want to get more poll watchers in there to make sure they’re counting is happening correctly.

Rudy Giuliani: Exactly. We’re going to go in there. We’re going to get our poll watchers so close, we’re going to get this close. [Rudy Giuliani climbs on Colin Jost’s chair] See? This is legally close. Nuts on back, that’s where a poll watcher out to be.

Colin Jost: Why are they so hot? Aside from the count, what actual legal recourse do you have to challenge these results?

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Listen to this. In Michigan, we demanded a recount. In Wisconsin, we have demanded a de-count. We call back season in Nevada, we got safety in Arizona and in Georgia, opposite day. Plus, we’re going to demand that I do the recount personally and our silver bullet is, I can’t count very high. Also, we’re suing all the states we lost.

Colin Jost: You’re suing all the states? For what?

Rudy Giuliani: I don’t know. Child support? Man slaughter? I don’t know.

Colin Jost: Rudy. I gotta say. It just sounds like Trump got fewer votes which is what pollsters predicted.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay, okay. The pollsters were all lying. Pollsters get paid to lie to people. They’re always saying like, “Hey, baby. I’m cinnamon, but my real name is Britney. Shh. Don’t tell them I told you.” And then you find out her name ain’t Britney.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you talking about strippers?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. Strippers. Pollsters. What do you call them?

Colin Jost: Look. I know it’s hard for you to talk about this but you lost. So what is your plan– [Rudy Giuliani puts his head on the table] Rudy, what is your plan next just for yourself?

Rudy Giuliani: Listen to me. I will be fine. I always land on my feet up side down from the ceiling. I will move back to the city that made me. Hey, New York, daddy’s home. You miss me?

[he gets hit by a cabbage]

Oh, salad? It’s that famous New York lettuce. God, I love this town. Anyway, I gotta go. I’m off to the Peninsula.

Colin Jost: Oh, Peninsula, the hotel?

Rudy Giuliani: No. The Yucatan. You never saw me.

Colin Jost: Rugy Giuliani, everyone.

Rudy Giuliani: Taxi?

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Hailstorm

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Rachel… Heidi Gardner

Jean… Kate McKinnon

Rudolph… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with News Center 5 Albany intro]

[Cut to Ego and Alex at their news set]

Ego: Alright. Welcome back to Center 5 Albany. From the coronavirus to the red onion recall, there’s been a lot of difficult news this year.

Alex: And last night was no exception. When a sudden hailstorm hit the nearby town of Pebble Falls.

[Cut to

Ego: On any other day, Pebble Falls is a quaint town with the motto, “Come fro the ice cream, stay for the big Wooden Nickel”.

Alex: And never did citizens think their town would be the site of a freak once in a century natural event, a massive hailstorm that left them running for cover.

[Cut to Rachel, a local shopper]

Rachel: We’ve had crazy weather before but not like this. They were like golf balls.

[Cut to Jean, Wooden Nickel employee.]

Jean: The hail was coming down from the sky. It was like golf balls.

[Cut to Rudolph who works with Jean.]

Rudolph: And me, I found it to be similar to golf balls.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Wow. That sounds scary. So, what happened?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, I was driving and they started hitting my car.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I was closing up shop at the Wood Nickel which is the place where I work.

[Cut to Rudolph]

Rudolph: And I was helping her because I also work at the Nickel. And then all of a sudden, the skies open up hail out of nowhere.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Now, Jean and Rudolph, it sounds like you had a harrowing experience trying to get indoors.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Oh, that’s right. The hail was coming down so hard and we were grabbing on to each other. We could barely see anything.

[Cut to Rudolph]

Rudolph: And then finally we made it up to Jean’s porch and we looked at each other, and we were standing there and… we kissed. On the lips.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay. It sounds like an emotional day. What happened next with the hail?

[Cut to split screen with Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: Well, at that point, the rain had started. And the water level was rising in the streets.

Rudolph: And I remember talking to Jean and saying, “Jean, we kissed.”

Jean: And we sort of pulled away like… [shocked expression] And I was like, “Okay, that happened.”

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah. And hailstorm wise, at that point, Jean, water was going into your house. Were you scared?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Yes. Oh, my. I was terrified. We were holding each other for safety. And his hand wound up on my breast. And it was a friend’s hand. And then at some point, it became a lover’s hand.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah, okay. We are asking about the flood, though.

[Cut to split screen with Jean and Rudolph]

Rudolph: Okay. And then a rescue crew came and put blankets on us. And I thought, “I’m under blanket with Jean.” And then she turned around and then, well, that was kiss number two.

Jean: Yes. And I opened my mouth for this one.

Rudolph: You know, if I had a nickel for every time we kissed under that blanket, I would have about 45 cent.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay, yeah. Why don’t we turn back to Rachel. Rachel, how were you affected by the events of yesterday?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, my life was absolutely turned up side down.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay. Thank you. Say more.

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, you know, they were both my friends and now they’re kissing? Wow! I mean, I’m not sure how I feel about it but check back with me about that please.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah, we’re definitely not going to do that. So, Jean, Rudolph, can you give us an update on this aftermath? How are things now?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: We’ve been texting.

[Rudolph walks in]

Rudolph: A lot.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Oh, you’re together.

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: Oh, well, we’re not together. We haven’t have that conversation yet. It’s kind of hard to have that on television.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Yeah, Jean, we’re not asking you to.

[cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: But since you asked us to I guess, [Jean turns to Rudolph] I don’t know. What do you think?

Rudolph: Oh, what do you think?

Jean: Rudolph. Please.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Several people in your town are missing. Have you been a part of those search efforts?

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph. They’re looking into each other’s eyes.]

Jean: No. I’m done searching

Rudolph: Yes. We have found what we were looking for.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: And Rudolph, I understand your wife is missing?

Rudolph: Is that right?

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Yes. She is.

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Rudolph: Probably dead, though.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Okay. Thank you Rudolph and Jean. Two coworkers who found something more.

Ego: Don’t you try that with me.

[Ego and Alex start flirting. Then they lean to kiss.]

New York PSA

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

The old lady… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with clips of New York city]

Ego: Thank you, New York.

Heidi: New York.

Chris: New York.

Ego: Things got pretty tough this summer.

Heidi: But through it all, we stayed strong.

Chris: We stayed together.

Ego: And we never lost who we are.

Heidi: Because we are New York.

Chris: New York.

Ego: New York.

Heidi: And no matter how hard things get…

Chris: We always get through it.

[A woman starts appearing in all clips dancing at the background]

Ego: And we do it our way.

Heidi: Each and every one of us played a part.

Chris: From the nurses who who kept the safe.

Ego: To the essential workers who kept food on our table.

Heidi: To all the neighbors who pitched in.

Chris: And today, some things are different.

Ego: But most things are exactly the same.

Heidi: Beautiful.

Chris: Unbreakable.

Ego: One of a kind

Chris: So, hey, if you’re not from here, come see for yourself.

Ego: The museums, the landmarks–

Heidi: And this lady. [The lady who was dancing is now laying in the park topless.] Sort of a dancing old woman.

Chris: Not homeless. Just, you know, quirky. She has an apartment. She’s just usually outside.

Ego: Like a rent controlled situation. She lives in a 40-floor-walk up. So, when she’s out, she’s out.

Heidi: She has lived in a studio since she was 16 which was 30 or 100 years ago.

Chris: She’s not not a professor at Columbia.

Ego: And until broadway reopens, she’s performing her one woman version of ‘The Lion King’ at the park everyday.

Heidi: New York is not a ghost town.

Chris: It’s his town. It’s her town.

Ego: And it’s definitely her town. [referring to the old lady]

Heidi: So, today, we want to say thank you.

Ego: Thank you.

Chris: Because New York will always be New York.

Heidi: And we’re so proud to say…

Ego: The people just crazy enough to call this place home will always be here.

The old lady: I love New York!

 

New York Musical

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Chris Redd

Minion… Kenan Thompson

Minnie Mouse.. Melissa Villaseñor

Elsa… Lauren Holt

Shrimp Louie… Kate McKinnon

Statue of liberty… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with three guys in Big Nick’s Souvenirs store]

Pete: Hey, man. How is business?

John: At the souvenir store in Time Square during the pandemic? It’s not great.

Chris: Alright. Well, then I’ll buy two of those snow globes.

John: Wow, thank you. That’s gonna really put me over the top, buddy.

Pete: I’ll take that photo of you with your kids.

John: That’s a personal item. Not for sale.

Pete: Oh, okay. Then I’ll buy that I heart New York underwear.

John: What was that?

Pete: Those briefs those announce how much I love New York. I’ll take em’.

Chris: You’re buying an underwear from souvenir store in Time Square? They’re not even wrapped.

Pete: So what? I like to show my support for the city.

John: Kid, you sure you want to buy the underpants?

Pete: Actually, you’re right. I should try em’ on first.

Chris: Whoa! Try them on?

John: You want to take these pair of unwashed ‘I love New York’ underpants and you want to put it on your naked body?

Pete: Yeah. Do you have a fitting room or something.

John: Yeah, sure. We have a fitting room. Hey Time Square minion, why don’t you show this guy the back of the store where the people of Time Square habitate?

[music playing]

[The minion opens the wall door. There are other characters inside.]

Minion: [singing] Mascots be shady tonight

John: Minnie and Elsa will fight

The characters: If you take a selfie then you better give us money

Minion: Or I’ll show your daughter a knife

John: So, after seeing that, do you still want to buy the underwear?

Pete: Yeah. I love New York and I want my modest balls to show that.

Minion: Of all the items in this store, you see you made

one great miscalculation buying filthy underwear

John: Bugs with no hesitation
will nesten your pubic hair

Minnie Mouse: One million novelty items
and he chose those

Elsa: It’d be like shopping at RB’s for pantyhose

Minion: One skid mark on the inside
that’s not the only stain I see

John: You’ll probably get an STD
so run, son

All: You would have to be psychotic
or take some strong antibiotic
don’t buy those

John: Great work.

Pete: Dude, things seem really bad even for Time Square.

Chris: Yeah. When do you think things are gonna bounce back?

[Shrimp Louie walks in]

Shrimp Louie: That’s what I want to know.

John: Oh. Shrimp Louie, the bubbagum shrimp mascot. I can’t belive you’re still here, darling.

Shrimp Louie: Where have they gone?
the tourists who came
who will eat up on my shrimp pad
with spiked lemonade?
send in the crowd
those confused German crowd

Minion: We missed TKTS
and bad seats for cheap

Shrimp Louie: Even Tim Horton’s has closed Canadians weep

All: Where are the crowds

Minion: I can’t group without crowds

Chris: Ahem! I see one guy across the street with binoculars.

John: Oh, that’s not a tourist. That’s the diddler on the roof.

[The diddler slides in on a table. His pants are off and he has binoculars.]

Diddler: Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, strip off your clothes, no one will know
Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, peek through my lens, and polish my uncut gems

Pete: This must be why everyone’s moving to Connecticut or Jersey and buying one room shacks for $900,000.

[Statue of Liberty walks in]

Liberty Statue: Fools! You don’t give up on my city that easy.

I lived through warhol
I lived through Bethenny Frankel
and I’m here
danced for the 86 mets and broke my ankle
but I’m here
I lived through Time Square filled with whores
now they’re on Sex in the City tours
my first apartment was a drawer
but I’m here
I’ve been to nobo noho and CBGB
and I’m here
Once on the pat train I swear that I saw Soon-Yi
and I’m here
stepped over bodies drawn in chalk
I knew son of Sam the dog could talk
I do the marathon but I walk
and I’m here
look who’s here
I’m still here

John: Oh no, look who’s coming our way, that woman from West Chester and she has visible covid.

[Cut to a woman walking by sneezing]

The woman: The minute I coughed at the press
I knew that new Rochelle would try and pin the blame on me
super-spreader
spread a little rona with me

Pete: We gotta get away from her.

John: Don’t worry. That homeless guy staying at a nearby luxury hotel will chase her off.

[The homeless man walks in. The woman is scared of her.]

Homeless man: Where is Rick Moranis?

The woman: [screaming] Ah!

John: Get out of my store.

Chris: Man, this place is nuts. I’d move somewhere else but the whole country is crazy.

John: I know this country seems terrible right now, but you know what? Move. [moving Pete away and showing the underwear that he wanted] Look at these underpants. Remember, they started this whole thing. Do you realize America is like these underpants? Because–

Diddler: I get it.

John: I know you get it. But let me explain it to the rest of them. Sure these underpants are riddled with ugliness and disease. But they still stand for something. Love. That’s why I didn’t want to sell them. Because they give me hope.

Minion: And I am specially hopeful now because we only have three days more.

John: Three more days to the election,
but the results may take months
it feels longer than the Irishmen
bot that movie needed cut

All: Three more days of Instagramming
thirsty selfies that say more

Liberty Statue: Prepare for the worst, so just please make it fast

All: November 3rd, election day,
November 3rd’s not far away
November 3rd on Wednesday or a Tuesday, I’m not sure
I don’t vote
what’s the point
It’s New York

Cinema Classics- The Birds

Reese D’eWhat… Kenan Thompson

Tippi Hedren … Kate McKinnon

McCafferty… John Mulaney

[Starts with Cinema Classic intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classic on PBS.

[Cut to Reese D’eWhat in his set. He is wearing a vampire costume.]

Reese D’eWhat: Good Hallo’s eve to you. I am Reese De’What. And De’What’s that behind you? I am just kidding. Tonight, we take a look at Alfred Hitchcocks Reese 1963 horror thriller, “The Birds”, starring Tippi Hedren as a woman menaced by birds for reasons that are never explained. Why did Hitchcock not clarify what the birds were up to? I do not know. I am a bad guesser. Just ask my wife who asked me to guess what she was going to be for Halloween and I said, “I don’t know. Drunk on rum?” Worst double bubble bath ever! Let’s look at our recently unearthed alternate scene in which Hitchcock tries to really spell out what’s going on with the birds. Here we go.

[Cut to the scene from the movie. The birds are just flying all over the place. Tippi Hedren runs into a telephone booth scared.]

Tippi Hedren: Oh my god. [panting] Oh. [Tippi Hedren calls the police station] Operator, get to the sheriff.

[Cut to McCafferty in his office]

McCafferty: This is sheriff McCafferty. What’s the emergency?

Tippi Hedren: [panting] Birds.

McCafferty: I’m sorry. Did you just kind of gently whisper the words “Birds”? What does that mean?

Tippi Hedren: It means birds. The flappy, flappy things. They’re trying to kill everybody. [a birds hits the telephone booth and dies there] [scared] Ah! You got to do something, please. These birds, they’re the jerk of the year.

McCafferty: Has anyone said like, “Shew, get out of here, bird!”, like, with a hand wave?

Tippi Hedren: No. No. There’s too many and they’re too mean.

McCafferty: Okay. So, these are birds of prey? Like, a hawk or and eagle?

Tippi Hedren: No. They’re seagulls. You know, the little guys that eat french fries at the beach. Oh, no, look. [Cut to a gas station on fire] They set fire to the gas station.

McCafferty: How?

Tippi Hedren: Sir. I cannot explain.

McCafferty: No, no, no. You just said that a bird set fire to a gas station. So, you need to explain that to me.

Tippi Hedren: Maybe the bird took a cigarette from someone and then like, flapped it into the gas box. I don’t know. [someone else gets hit on the phone booth being attacked by the birds]

McCafferty: Now what’s happening?

Tippi Hedren: The birds. They just birded a man to death. Oh no, one of the birds found a glass cutter. [a bird’s foot is holding a glass cutter and cuts the phone booth glass in circle.] No, please. It’s got a knife. [a bird’s foot is holding a knife. It’s trying to reach Tippi Hedren through the hole but can’t.] Please do something. The birds weren’t raised right.

McCafferty: Ma’am, you are hysterical. There is no way this is happening all because of a bunch of no good– [now, a bird’s foot is holding a gun on McCafferty’s head] Ahem! I have to call you back. [McCafferty hangs up the phone]

[Cut back to Reese D’eWhat]

Reese D’eWhat: I mean, right? Wow! I got to tell you though, test audiences positively hated this new version. Almost as much as my wife hates vacuuming. You know what? I’m sorry. That is not fair. She is a good woman. Still worry that audiences would not be scared enough by birds, Hitchcock filmed yet another version of the scene adding even more sources of potential terror. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie’s clip. Now, Tippi Hedren and McCafferty both are in the phone booth.]

Tippi Hedren: Well, thank god you came. These are the birds that are doing it all.

McCafferty: I am very sorry I doubted you. The birds are trying to be very mean.

Tippi Hedren: Oh, no. What’s that one doing? [a bird puts it’s butt inside through the glass cut hole.] It’s mourning us. [the bird then lays an egg]

McCafferty: An egg? It’s trying to be nice. So we have breakfast.

Tippi Hedren: No. They’re trying to make more birds!

McCafferty: Okay. That’s it. I’m gonna start shooting my gun off in here and see what happens.

Tippi Hedren: No. You dummy, you’ll kill us. And it’s too late. The birds have picked up turtles to use as a battering rams.

McCafferty: Oh my god. They entered phase two of their plan. They’re putting the turtles on people like hats.

Tippi Hedren: And squeezing people’s heads until they die.

[A man gets hit on the phone booth being attacked by the birds]

McCafferty: We’re on the phone! We’re on the phone!

Tippi Hedren: Oh, no. The turtles have now picked up sandwiches.

[They’re getting hit by the sandwiches]

McCafferty: I get it. The turtles are bullying the sandwiches like the birds bullied the turtles. It’s a cycle.

Tippi Hedren: And now the turtles have learned to fly without the help of the birds.

McCafferty: As have the sandwiches.

Tippi Hedren: Is this a lesson about man’s lack of respect for nature?

McCafferty: Oh, I don’t know. Dammit, I don’t know. Just kiss me.

Tippi Hedren: What? No. That’s not this.

[Cut back to Reese D’eWhat]

Reese D’eWhat: Ultimately, this alternate scene was scrapped after an assistant editor pointed out that it had added over a day to the film’s total running time. Happy Halloween, everyone. For cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.

Madame Vivelda

Spencer… Bowen Yang

Anne… Adele

Tiffany… Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Psychic… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with visitors walking in the psychic’s place]

Spencer: Oh my god, this place is so cool.

Anne: I know. I always wanted to get a psychic reading.

Tiffany: My god, is anyone here? I really want to get one.

[The psychic walks in]

Psychic: You want to see the future? Sit and I will tell you what lies ahead [the visitors take seats] for Madame Vivelda knows all.

Ego: Oh yes, that would be great.

Tiffany: Yes, this year has been so insane and hard. We kind of want to skip ahead and just see what next year holds instead.

Spencer: Yeah. 2019 has sucked but I think 2020 is going to be our year.

Psychic: Um, okay. Who wants to go first?

Tiffany: I’ll go. [Psychic starts reading Tiffany’s palm] Madame Vivelda, things are getting kind of serious with my boyfriend and I’m curious if you see us moving in together next year?

Psychic: Okay. Let me see. Let me look. Okay, yes, I see you. You are in your home and your boyfriend is there. Yes, you are there in the home you share together. Okay. Yes, I see he is washing a bag of doritos with soap and you are screaming at him. You’re crying and you’re screaming. You’re screaming, “That’s not enough soap. You need to use more soap. I don’t want to get it from a bag of chips.”

Tiffany: What? Get what from chips?

Psychic: The vision is gone. Who wants to go next?

Tiffany: Wait, I still want to know why I’m washing chips next year.

Anne: Madame Vivelda, I’ll go. I’m sort of up for a big promotion in March and I’m wondering if you see anything work related for me.

Psychic: Yes, okay. Let me see. [Psychic starts reading Anne’s hand] No. I do not see work. I see you on the phone with a man from FedEx and you are crying. You’re saying, “Where is my adult coloring book? I need my adult coloring book.”

Ego: Wait, Anne, do you color?

Anne: No, of course I don’t color.

Ego: It’s okay if you do.

Anne: I don’t color. Her psychic vision just must be off. It doesn’t sound anything like me. I like going to museum and concerts and stuff like that.

Psychic: No, no. I see no concerts in 2020. Only coloring. Monday, coloring. Tuesday, coloring. All the days, coloring. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Okay, who’s next?

Spencer: I guess me, but I don’t know if I want to go anymore.

Anne: Yeah. I mean, let’s just get out of here.

Psychic: No, no. [pointing at Spencer] You, you. Give me your palm. I actually sense a lot of fun travel in your future.

Spencer: Oh, you do? Okay, good. Actually, me and my boyfriend are planning to fly to Paris in May.

Psychic: Ah, that’s fun. But no. I don’t see you flying to Paris. I see you driving to Kentucky. Yes. And you are peeing inside a bag in the car because you are afraid to use the gas station bathroom. So, you pee in the bag, he pees in the bag and on and on until Kentucky

Anne: Wait, why does he go to Kentucky?

Spencer: Yeah. What do we do in Kentucky?

Psychic: Ah, let’s see. Yes, yes. Okay. Oh, on the first day, you notice a small rash on your finger and you spend the day crying and googling ‘is rash on finger part of it?’

Spencer: Part of what?

Ego: Oh my god. All your vision mentions us crying. Do we just cry for all of 2020?

Psychic: No, not always. For example, [pointing at Anne] I can see you on your birthday and you’re very happy. You get everything you asked for.

Anne: Oh, I do? What do I ask for?

Psychic: Stamps. You ask everyone in your life to buy stamps and they do. They all buy the stamps and you say, “Take that postmaster General Louis DeJo.

Anne: What? Why do I know the full name of the postmaster general in 2020?

Spencer: Okay, girls, listen. I know a lot of this sounds scary but hey, we all still have each other next year, right?

Psychic: Oh. My poor Spencer. No, you won’t. Because in June, you will do something so terrible, your friends will never speak to you again.

Spencer: Oh my god. What do I do? You eat inside a restaurant.

Anne: Hey, that’s it?

Ego: He just eats in a restaurant and we cut him out of our lives completely?

Psychic: Exactly.

Spencer: Okay, I don’t know why it’s bad but I’m so sorry I do that, girls.

Girls: No, we’re sorry.

Psychic: No, no. What is this? I am seeing one final vision and it is very dark. Who here is Tiffany Tuban?

Tiffany: I am.

Psychic: Yes. I am seeing your father, Tiffany. And he’s on a Zoom and his wiener’s out on the Zoom.

Tiffany: What? What even is a Zoom?

Psychic: I do not know but your father is definitely on it and his wiener is definitely out and it’s not a great wiener, Tiffany. Eh! No, actually I see it’s getting harder. It’s actually fine.

Anne: Okay, we gotta go. This is too much.

Psychic: Okay, but girls do me a favor. If any of you see J.K. Rowling, please tell her stick to the books.

Final Debate Cold Open

Kristen Welker… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Presidential Debate intro]

[Cut to Kristen Welker at her set]

Kristen Welker: Good evening. I’m Kristen Welker and it is the honor of a lifetime to moderate the second and praise Jesus, final presidential debate. Tonight we have a mute button because it was either that or tranquilizer darts and the president is a very high tolerance for those after his covid treatment. So, please welcome President Donald Trump and former vice president Joe Biden.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden walking in the stage.]

Good evening, gentlemen, and welcome to the debate. Are we ready to begin?

Joe Biden: Yes. But first, how does this mute button work? Do I just haul off and slap him in the mouth?

Kristen Welker: No, Mr. Vice President, we’ll take care of that on our own.

Joe Biden: Are you sure? Because I think everybody would love to see me do it.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Really, you think you’re some kind of tough guy coz of all that money you got from China?

[Joe Biden walks towards Donald Trump to fight but gets stopped by Kristen Welker]

Kristen Welker: Uh-uh-uh. [Kristen Welker is pointing at a button on her table] I’ll push it. I’ll push it. It’s not connecting to anything but I will push it. Now our first question on the coronavirus is for President Trump. More than Rudy Giuliani0,000 Americans are in the hospital tonight with covid. How would you lead the country during the next stage of this crisis?

Donald Trump: What a nice question. Thank you, Hoda. Or can I just say you are really doing a great job.

Kristen Welker: Wow. It is creepier when you’re nice. But thank you.

Donald Trump: No, really, you’re taking really good care of us tonight. Now, could you just tell us about the specials please?

Kristen Welker: No, Mr. Trump, I am the moderator. Not your waitress.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Just some waters then, okay? Anyway, coronavirus are boring. Right? But we’re doing terrific. We’re rounding the corner. In fact we’re rounded so many corners. We’ve gone all the way around the block and we’re back but we’re back where we started in March.

Joe Biden: Come on, man. We’re in the middle of the third wave. Where I come from, if a girl give you a third wave, you were practically married. Doesn’t even know what time it is. It’s half past ‘come on, man!’

Donald Trump: No. It’s not a wave. A wave goes like this. [gesturing the wave form] And this is going like this. [gesturing the chart rising] Okay? And sure, there’s been a tiny coronavirus spike in Florida. And a tinsy spike in Arizona and a toonsy-woonsy in North Dakota, but who cares? A lot of people don’t know this but we’ve got another Dakota there somewhere.

Joe Biden: [talking to himself] Just breathe, Joe. If you don’t breathe, you’ll die.

Donald Trump: And just a couple of weeks. If you’ll vote for me, the vaccine will be here and will be distributed by the military.

Kristen Welker: I’m sorry. You said the military will distribute the vaccine?

Donald Trump: That’s right. The army will come and shoot it with a cannon into your face. Look, I had it. It was very mean to me. But I beat it. And now the doctors say I can never die. This virus said to me, “Sir, I have to leave your body.” The virus was crying, very sad. It didn’t want to leave my body. And the point is we’re all learning to live with it.

Joe Biden: Learning to live with it? We’re learning to die with it, man.

Kristen Welker: Oh, looks like Mr. Biden is so mad, he’s Eastwooding it a little bit.

Joe Biden: That’s right. Now, I believe the little lady asked you about a plan. Why don’t you enlighten us?

Donald Trump: I have a plan. It’s the most beautiful plan you’ve ever seen.

Joe Biden: You don’t even have a plan for me. First I’m creepy. Then I’m sleepy. You say I have dementia. Then you say I’m a criminal mastermind. Which one is it, Chemo-sabi?

Donald Trump: Look, I can’t show you my plan. It’s under audit along with my taxes which I’ve prepaid just like a drug dealer’s telephone. And I take full responsibility for the coronavirus even though it came from China on a plan piloted by Nancy Pilosi filled with Mexicans which we shot down over pedo-island.

Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t fall for that America. And I hate to curse in front of a woman but that’s a bunch of molarchy!

[right answer bell ringing]

Kristen Welker: And we have our first molarchy. If you’re playing Biden Bingo at home, take a shot. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Thank you, Padma. Look, people love how I’ve handled the Wu-Tang virus. If he was in charge, we’d all be in our basements and that’s where the haunted Annabelle doll lives, okay? A lot of people are saying that’s a very scary doll. She’s so scary, some are saying that’s the most scary doll. And that’s not cowardly. That’s just smart, okay? We can’t spend all day in the basement. Because we’re all not rich like Joe with all the money he got from China.

Joe Biden: Look at me. Do I look remotely rich? If I have money, where am I spending it? I live in Delaware. A night out is $28. Come on! I bought this suit on a train. Come on. If I had 3 million extra dollars, would I be taking the train to work? No. I’d be pulling up to the capital in a candy red trans-am and Kenny Loggins playing in the back. Not a recording. The real Kenny Loggins. Can I get a ‘come on’?

Kristen Welker: Come on! Oh! That is fun. Now, president Trump, you said a vaccine would be coming within weeks. Is that true?

Donald Trump: Anything can be weeks, okay? A month is five weeks. But a year is 36 or something. But I guarantee you the vaccine is coming somewhere between two and 700 weeks. okay? Tell them we have to wear the stupid masks and a little goggles, and we are making so many ventilators and I don’t want to get everybody excited. But if elected, I promise everyone in America will be on a big beautiful ventilator.

Kristen Welker: Okay, great. That segways to healthcare in a scary way. Vide President Biden, what is your plan if Obamacare is struck down?

Joe Biden: I have a plan. It’s called ‘Biden care’. It’s like Obamacare but Biden. It may not talk as smooth, it may need a little bit more sunscreen than the previous Melanin Rich plan, but damn it, it’s got heart and it works!

Donald Trump: My plan is perfect. It’s a beautiful, beautiful plan.

Joe Biden: Show us the plan.

Donald Trump: I mean this plan is LA-10.

Joe Biden: Give me the plan, man.

Donald Trump: Large naturals, high booty, bad attitude, but she cute.

Joe Biden: Not a plan. Not a plan. That’s a planless man.

Donald Trump: Excuse me. I’d love to show the plan. But I can’t because it’s under audit like my taxes. And if you don’t believe me, you can talk to my lawyer Rudy Giuliani

[Rudy Giuliani is shaking his hand inside his coat.]

Rudy Giuliani: What? No. It’s not what it looks like. My microphone was stuck on my balls. Is this another borat? You gotta tell me if it’s a borat.

Donald Trump: You’re in trouble now, Biden, because Rudy’s got a lot of sane and coherent information. It looks really bad for you, Joe. Tell him, Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani: Get ready for this truth bomb. Your son Hunter got $3 million from Moscow and his friend told me about the due, he has emails right there on the wet laptop from hell. And our eyewitness saw everything and he is blind.

Donald Trump: See? Even his nasty son is corrupt.

Joe Biden: [thinking in his mind] Don’t do it Joe. Don’t retaliate. Even though his kids are bunch of charity scamming right offs looking like they just came out of a two week Vegas [inaudible 00:08:Kristen WelkerRudy Giuliani] selling bad tubes to stupid people, children at the GMO chord.

Kristen Welker: Mr. Vice President, would you like to respond to that?

Joe Biden: No.

Kristen Welker: Very well. Then I’d like to move on to talking about race. Mr. President?
Donald Trump: Thank you Mindy, I love your project.

Kristen Welker: Oh, I can’t wait to hear this.

Donald Trump: Well, first of all, I am the least racist person in this room. I’ve done more for black people than anyone else except for maybe Lincoln. Black people love Lincoln and his cars. I see them driving his cars all the time. Sometimes there’s white people in the back, but not always. Thank you.

Joe Biden: You think you’re Lincoln because his nickname has the word ‘honest’ in it?

Kristen Welker: And mute. And that is about as well as the race section could have gone. As promised, I have saved exactly 60 seconds for climate change. Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Well, since we’re almost out of time, oil – no, wind – yes, fracking depends on what state I’m in.

Donald Trump: This guy and his wind. He loves wind. Look. I know about wind than anyone, okay? Wind kills all the birds, chops them right out like a magic bullet and turns them into bird guacamole. Okay? It makes golf shots go bad and sometimes it gets real fast and turns into a twister and throws a cow right on top of Helen Hunt.

Kristen Welker: Wow. Okay. Thank you, Mr. President for sharing your poem about wind. At this point, we’ve come to our final question and it’s for both of you. I want you to imagine your inauguration day. What will you say to Americans who did not vote for you?

Donald Trump: Well, if they didn’t vote for me, I guess I’d say, “Ola.” For the rest of them, I’d just say – just remember how good things used to be back before the China plague. We have the lowest unemployment numbers in all categories. Blacks, Asians, Latinxs, brunetts, MILFS, LGBTQAnon. In conclusion, New York is a ghost town. Kids love cages and Joe Biden is from Kenya. Thank you.

Kristen Welker: Mr. Vice President, your turn.

Joe Biden: Look, everybody. You know who he is and you know who I am. I’m good old Joe. I’m reliable as a rock. I’ve got a five star safety rating and I’m ranked best mid size in my class by JD Power and Associates. I don’t have a golden toilet seat. I have a soft spongy one that hisses whenever I park my keister. There’s only two things I do. I kick ass and I take trains. And I don’t see any trains in sight. And that ladies and gentlemen, is no malarchy.

[right answer bell ringing]

Kristen Welker: And with that malarchy, that’s bingo and I am drunk. Good luck, America.

Kristen Welker, Donald Trump and Joe Biden: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.