Tag: Kate McKinnon

Africa Tourism

Kate McKinnon

Adele

Joanne… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with with the intro]

Male voice: The following is a message from a tourism board of Africa.

[Cut to Blonde 1 and Blonde 2 walking on a beach.]

Blonde 1: Sun.

Blonde 2: Breeze.

Blonde 1: Ocean.

Blonde 2: Mountains and beautiful…

Both: … beautiful Africa.

Blonde 1: Witness the wonder. The escape, the story.

[a black man and a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 2: The sandy beaches, the massive bamboo.

Blonde 1: The wildlife. The culture.

Blonde 2: The food. The night life.

Blonde 1: Tribesmen.

Blonde 2: And history and lush dangly foliage.

Blonde 1: Tribesmen.

[a black man and a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 2: Leave ordinary behind.

Blonde 1: After my divorce, I yearned for a new beginning.

Blonde 2: And we’re better new in crystal waters and sandy beaches of Africa.

Blonde 1: The humpback whales. The tall, tall tribesmen. The bamboo.

[a black man and a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 2: After my divorce, I took in the breathtaking views and delicious cuisine of Africa.

Blonde 1: So, what are you waiting for? Set sail for Africa.

Blonde 2: All of Africa.

Blonde 1: Zimbabwe, Kenya.

Blonde 2: Ghana, Tanzania.

Blonde 1: Tribesmen.

Blonde 2: The sky. The coconut water.

Blonde 1: You’re gonna want that coconut water.

Blonde 2: Last night, I saw the face of god.

Blonde 1: After my divorce, I moved to Mombasa and was taken in by the Masai tribe where I was ordained as a minister of joy.

Blonde 2: Me too.

[Blonde 3 walks in.]

Blonde 3: Me three. Hi. I’m Joanne.

Blonde 1: Oh, that’s our name too.

Blonde 3: Right on. I first moved to beautiful Africa after my divorce. I met a wonderful friend on a computer. He invited me to a lovely ocean waters of Gambia.

Blonde 1: Oh, Gambia. So much bamboo.

Blonde 2: Beaucoup bamboo.

[two black men carrying a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 3: Once I got here, I knew I had to explore the rest of the magical, magical lands of Africa.

Blonde 2: Jungles. The mountains. The ranges.

Blonde 3: The rhythm. The drums. The pounding.

Blonde 1: The fanning yourself with a palm between rounds.

Blonde 2: I found such a deep, deep connection here.

Blonde 3: You can feel it in your stomach.

Blonde 1: Tell your travel agent you want to see Africa. All of it.

Blonde 3: From Angola to Jamaica.

Blonde 1: Not Egypt.

Blonde 2: Yes, very dry there. No bamboo.

Blonde 1: So leave the kids at home.

Blonde 2: Leave everything at home. Bring no one.

Blonde 3: Except yourself and some money and some men’s sneakers.

Blonde 1: And don’t tell anybody you’re going.

Blonde 2: To beautiful, beautiful Africa.

Blonde 1: Africa.

Blonde 3: Africa.

Blonde 1: You’re gonna want that coconut water.

Male voice: The number one destination for divorcées of a certain age. Africa. We’ll leave the light on for you.

Dueling Town Halls Cold Open

George Stephanopoulos… Mikey Day

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Nicholas Fetin… Chris Redd

Savannah Guthrie… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Jacklin Lugo… Melissa Villaseñor

Paula Dale… Chloe Fineman

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: On Thursday, Vice President Biden held a town hall, as scheduled, on ABC. At the same time, NBC laid a thirst trap for President Trump. One town hall was a thoughtful, cogent discussion of the issues facing our country. The other featured President Trump. We now present a rebroadcast of those town halls the way most Americans watched them… Flipping back and forth, trying to decide between a Hallmark movie and an alien autopsy. This… is…

[Cut to intro of Dueling Town Halls]

Male voice: … Dueling Town Halls

[Cut to George Stephanopoulos at his set]

George: Good evening. I’m George Stephanopoulos. And the vibe we’re going for tonight is poorly attended college lecture. The folks asking questions are half pro-Biden and half anti-Trump and somehow we’ve put all of them in the last row of the balcony. [Cut to the audience. There are only two of them.] How are you guys up there?

Man: Huh?

Woman: I have vertigo.

George: Great! [Cut to George] And our guest of honor tonight is former vice president and future oatmeal spokesman, Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden walking in]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Hello, Philadelphians. It’s great to be here. Hey, is that Bobby Clark of the 1974-75 flyers? [Joe Biden walks to the audience side]

George: Mr. Vice President, please don’t wander into the audience to greet people.

Joe Biden: Sorry. [Joe Biden is very close to the camera] I’m just so excited to talk to America with real life Americans. Hey, George, check it out. [starts dancing] That’s dance for the kids on TikTok.

George: Okay, Joe. Let’s focus. Now, are you ready for softball questions for folks who are already voting for you?

Joe Biden: You bet your short pants I am. This is going to be exciting, George. I’ve given every audience member a glass of warm milk and a blanket. Who’s ready to have fun with facts and figures?

[There’s a guy in the audience holding a glass of milk]

George: Alright. First question is from Nicholas Fetin and he’s a democrat.

Nicholas: Mr. Vice President, how would your response to COVID differ from horrible one of President Trump who I hate?

George: Okay, let’s limit how many times you outright say you hate President Trump during your questions. Mr. Vice President, go ahead.

Joe Biden: Okay. Now, Nicholas, where the hell are you?

Nicholas: I’m up here. Go ahead.

Joe Biden: Hey, yes. Here’s the deal. Unlike the president, I actually have a plan.

Nicholas: Okay, great. What is it?

Joe Biden: A plan? It’s a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something.

Nicholas: No, no. I mean what’s your plan?

Joe Biden: Oh, right, right. Well, let me start with a story mixed with a complicated math problem. If you have 3 million doses of vaccine and the vaccine leaves Chicago at 10 AM, what time would it arrive in Washington, and please show your work.

[changing channel]

[Cut to Savannah in her set]

Savannah: Good evening America. I’m am surprised badass Savannah Guthrie. And if you are angry at NBC for doing this Town Hall, just let me get a few questions in and I think you’ll thank me. Joining me tonight is President Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Thank you Saran Getti. It’s great to be here. Even though, woman.

Savannah: We have lots of voters waiting to ask questions, but I’d like to start by tearing you a new one. Why won’t you condemn white supremacy?

Donald Trump: I do. I do condemn and I have always more or less condemned it.

Savannah: What about QAnon?

Donald Trump: You mean the group that thinks democrats are a cabal of satan-worshipping pedophiles, and I’m their messiah? I don’t know anything about them at all. No.

Savannah: Yes, you do, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Well, I do know that they’re against pedophilia and I agree with that. If anyone’s against pedophiles, it’s me, the man who was close personal friends with one of the most famous pedophiles on earth. Russian power, Jeffrey.

Savannah: Okay. What about the Aryan Brotherhood?

Donald Trump: They’re very pro family. That’s all I know.

Savannah: KKK?

Donald Trump: The car breaks down, you call triple-K.

Savannah: Okay. Mr. President, just last week you tweeted that Osama Bin Laden is still alive.

Donald Trump: I didn’t tweet it. It was a retweet which is short for really smart tweet.

Savannah: Okay. But you can’t just do things like that. You’re not just someone’s crazy uncle.

Donald Trump: Really? Because this conversation we’re having right now was a preview of thanks giving dinner and a lot of American households are crazy uncles. Stand back and standby.

[changing channel]

[Cut back to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: And that brings us to George9Savannah9. A year when I went to the world’s fair and met the ream Mickey Mouse. Does that answer your question? If you want to find me after the Town Hall, we can talk some more.

Nicholas: Some more?

[changing channel]

Savannah: So, just to be clear, when was the last time you tested negative.

Donald Trump: There were so many tests, Santana. I get tested all the time.

Savannah: Okay, for COVID.

Donald Trump: There were so many COVIDs, Savannah. COVID-GeorgeJoe Biden, COVID-GeorgeDonald Trump.

Savannah: Were you tested for COVID-George9 on the day of the debate?

Donald Trump: There have been so many debates, Savannah.

Savannah: There was one f-ing debate. Now, do you have any remaining symptoms of COVID?

Donald Trump: No. Not at all. I’m doing great. My doctors said my lung is beautiful. I have one beautiful lung now. It’s turned basically into glass, so it’s very strong.

Savannah: And you didn’t have pneumonia?

Donald Trump: I had a small fever. It was around 100… celcius, but I did great. I never died, never saw hell or the devil. He never showed me a list of my sins. I was just alive and strong the whole time.

Savannah: Okay, I’m done with my initial prostate exam. Our first question tonight is from Jacklin Lugo.

Jacklin: Hello, Mr. President. [Spanish language]

Donald Trump: No, no. Different person.

Savannah: Okay. Let’s go to our next question from Paula Dale and I’m told she’s horny.

Paula: Um, yes. Greetings Mr. President. I have to say you have a great smile. He does. You’re so handsome when you smile.

Donald Trump: Thank you.

Paula: Can you give us a little more smile? There’s so much to smile about right now. [Donald Trump is smiling] Let me see those gorgeous chompers. [Donald Trump can’t stop smiling] There we go, so beautiful. Now, my question is about immigration. [Donald Trump suddenly makes angry expression] My parents were both immigrants, so I want to know what you’ll do with the so called ‘dreamers.’

Donald Trump: Where did you parents immigrate from?

Paula: Mexico. I’m kidding. They came from Mrs. Maisel-Vania.

[changing channel]

Joe Biden: And that’s why you have to do something. You can make a difference. You can save this country.

George: Joe, who are you talking to?

Joe Biden: I’m talking to God, George. Father, son, holy, ghost, you’re the team we love the most.

[changing channel]

Donald Trump: And that’s why– that’s why we’re going to have a v-shaped recovery, a deep V, rippling pecs and a toned eight packs, swimmer’s body basically like I have after COVID and it’s going to be beautiful.

Savannah: The question was why won’t you releases your taxes?

Donald Trump: That’s simple because I don’t want to go to jail. Thank you.

Savannah: Our next question is from a pro live millennial, so, yikes, good luck.

Woman: My question is did you nominate judge Barrett to strike down Roe V. Wade? Because that would be pretty chill of you TBH.

[There’s a black woman behind Donald Trump nodding her head yes.]

Donald Trump: That’s a beautiful question. Thank you. I didn’t tell Amy– I didn’t tell Amy Conan O’Brian to vote any way on any issue. Some people, some very brilliant legal minds say that Roe V. Wade should be overturned and burned in a trashcan like Antifa is burning all of my ballots because everyone knows that radical left are trying to seal this election. They’re taking down statues which are full of Trump votes. That’s where people place their votes. It’s in the statues and the Antifa is stealing them and changing them Trump to Kathy Griffin–

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Okay. Okay. [cheers and applause] I’m sorry. This is the last place I want to be. But somebody has to ask, what the happening with that woman? Because I only nod that much when a waiter asks if I’ll be having mimosas at brunch. So, either that’s Candace Owens in a wig or baby girl answered the wrong craigslist ad. Are you okay miss? [the woman is shaking her head no] Just blink twice if you’re being held hostage. [the woman is just shaking her head] Oh, oh, you’re listening to music on tiny headphones? I’m genuinely trying to understand what is happening. Because if you’re not a plant, then I am deeply, deeply concerned for you.

Donald Trump: She is probably just upset that I didn’t win the Nobel Prize. [the woman starts honking the blow air horn.]

Kamala Harris: I need to get out of here because this is some spooky ass Jordan Peele nonsense. [The woman now has a message sign “Call Me, Fox News!”] I just hope Joe’s Town Hall is more inspiring than this.

[changing channel]

Joe Biden: [soothing music playing on background] Let’s make the most of this beautiful day. Since we’re together, we might as well say.

[singing with the audience] Would you be mine, could you be mine
won’t you be my neighbors?

What do you say? Will you be my neighbors, George?

George: What? I’m sorry, I’m watching the Trump one. They’re really going at it.

[changing channel]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Savannah trying to wrestle on the stage]

Male voice: [rock music playing on background] And now, Savannah is telling him there’s another question. But oh, no, it was just a distraction. Savannah has a folding chair [Savannah gets a chair and hits Donald Trump] from the audience and Trump doesn’t see it. Oh, the humanity.

[changing channel]

[Cut to Joe Biden wearing a wig and painting a landscape]

Joe Biden: And you see, each tree has it’s own personality. Just like America. Does that answer your question, Justin?

Justin: If I say yes, can I sit down?

Joe Biden: You bet, you buckaroo.

Justin: Both of my legs are sleeping.

George: Well, Mr. Vice President, I believe we are about out of time, so I’m going to ask you for your closing statement.

Joe Biden: George, we have to restore sanity to the nation. If elected, I promise I won’t tweet once because I don’t know how. And I’ll have exactly one scandal. I will mistake Angela Merkel for my wife from behind and tell her she’s got a rocking caboose. There’s no malice in that. That’s it.

[changing channel]

Donald Trump: In conclusion, there’s only one question that matters. Just ask yourselves, America, aren’t you better off than you were four years ago?

[Cut to the map of America saying “No”]

[Cut back to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: All right, then just try and take me alive.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Canadian News Show

Jean-Lawrence… Bowen Yang

Anne-Marie.. Kate McKinnon

Fred… Mikey Day

Awa-Sene… Issa Rae

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching CBC, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. At nine, it’s “Schitt’s Creek” followed by the Shitt’s Creek reboot “Schartt’s Cavern”. But right now, you’re watching “Bonjour Hi!”

[Cut to Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie in their set.]

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Welcome to “Bonjour Hi”, the French Canadian morning news show live from Montreal, Montreal- the best parts of Canada and the worst parts of France. My name is Zoro Halls or John Larry. And as always, I’m joined by my beautiful cohost, Annagi.

Anne-Marie: Bonjour Jone.

Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Now we do the bouncer. How was your weekend?

Anne-Marie: Well, I suffered an injury and I made love to a surf suley performer. I choke on the big scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: You’re always doing this.

Anne-Marie: Wait, but I went for surgery which was free, of course, and so is my new scarf.

Jean-Lawrence: Pretty. And today, we have with us our colleague from the south. He’s an American journalist quarantined in Canada because of covid, please welcome from Michigan, Jean-Fred.

Fred: Merci for having me. My name is actually Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Go ahead, I said Jean-Fred.

Fred: No. Just Fred.

Jean-Lawrence: Please welcome Jean-Fred Desjardins.

Fred: Okay.

Jean-Lawrence: Let’s begin today’s update. Bar limits has proposed their controversial resolution for guaranteed universal basic income, but is this just an empty welfare promise? Anne-Marie, your update.

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie speaking in foreign language]

Jean-Lawrence: Jean-Fred, your thoughts?

Fred: Yes, or no. I’m sorry, I don’t speak whatever French this is.

Jean-Lawrence: [speaking in bad accent] Now, this time for our weekly segment with our Toronto correspondent, Awa-Sene. Awa-Sene, bonjour hi.

Awa-Sene: Bonjour hi. I am Awa-Sene and this is Drake Watch.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes. Our favorite part of the show where we find out if you saw Drake.

Anne-Marie: So, Awa, did you see Barack today?

Awa-Sene: No. This has been Drake Watch.

Fred: I’m sorry. That’s it? That’s the whole segment?

Awa-Sene: Oh, well, I thought I saw Drake but it was just my friend Aten. Aten looks a lot like Drake. And I was confused because he was crying in a basketball court.

Anne-Marie: Did you check anywhere else for Drake?

Awa-Sene: Yes. I almost found him this morning when I saw a man in a wheelchair. But then I remember Drake was only in wheelchair for potential [unintelligible]. So, it was not him.

Anne-Marie: Okay. Merci, Awa. Please keep us post if you see Drake.

Awa-Sene: Of course. This has been Drake Watch. [looking around using binoculars] Yoo-hoo. Drake?

Jean-Lawrence: What an exciting segment. Jean-Fred, do you like Drake?

Fred: I don’t know. I mean, he has kind of fallen off recently. .

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred]

Anne-Marie: Jean-Host, do not blow your guest, please.

Fred: How is this a news show?

Jean-Lawrence: And now it’s time for the traffic report.

Anne-Marie: Oh! [puts a cigarette in her mouth] Today I was driving to work in my Pugeot [unintelligible] bridge. I took a left on [unintelligible] and then I parked in [unintelligible] parking garage and traffic was bad.

Jean-Lawrence: Great traffic report.

Fred: You can smoke in the studio?

Jean-Lawrence: Oh, here another, we have a breaking news story and we must start right away.

[Cut back to Awa-Sene]

Awa-Sene: Bonjour Hi, I am at the top of the [unintelligible] tower with a dramatic development in the search for Drake.

Anne-Marie: Oh, Drake is there?

Awa-Sene: No, Drake is not here.

Fred: Then why are you there?

Awa-Sene: Oh, as you can see on the cover of his famous album ‘Views’, Drake [unintelligible] in this very location. So, I thought I should check. But [unintelligible]

Fred: And that’s breaking news?

[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred again]

Awa-Sene: It is okay. I will continue to follow the [unintelligible] of Drake. I am like famous Canadian actress Rachel McAdams in the film “Spotlight.”

Jean-Lawrence: Rachel McAdams, a beautiful girl.

Anne-Marie: Beautiful girl.

[music playing]

Jean-Lawrence: Ah! We are almost out of time. Thank you to Jean-Fred. Please accept our gift of famous Moguel big weird bagels.

Fred: Oh, okay. These are bagels? Why is everything 25% different here?

Anne-Marie: We say it taste better with the big hole.

Jean-Lawrence: Yes, lick the cream out of the big hole. Since I’m young, I eat the big while hole this wya.

Awa-Sene: Jean-Fred, stick your face, go down on the big hole.

[Fred licks the food]

Fred: I regret doing that on camera.

Jean-Lawrence: Well, it is time to say bye to “Bonjour Hi”. We’re set to go but–

[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie walks front]

Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie: That’s the way it is.

[singing] Don’t give up on your faith
and that’s the way

VP Fly Debate Cold Open

Susan Page… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Jill Biden… Heidi Gardner

Scientist… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with vice-presidential debate intro]

Male voice: And now, the thing that will change everyone’s minds. The vice-presidential debate.

[Cut to Susan Page in her set]

Susan Page: Good evening. I’m Susan Page and I missed book club for this. Tonight, we’ll be discussing who cares number of topics, each lasting I couldn’t tell you minute. But one thing is for sure. If anything’s gonna be trending on Twitter tonight, it’ll be one of the humans involved in this debate. Let’s welcome them now. Vice president Mike Pence [Mike Pence walks in] and senator Kamala Harris [Kamala Harris walks in spraying sanitizer] [cheers and applause]

Kamala Harris: Oh! Oh! Oh! That’s right. The scent-tator from Kamala-fornia is present.

Susan Page: Thank you, senator. And tonight, you’ll notice that between the candidates, we’ve installed buffet-styled sneeze guards on account of one of you works for patient zero.

Mike Pence: It’s actually fine by me, Susan. Susan PageMike Pence feet apart and separated by plexiglass is how mother and I sleep.

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, my first question is for you.

Mike Pence: Thank you.

Susan Page: The topic is coronavirus.

Mike Pence: Dammit.

Susan Page: Now, you were in charge of the coronavirus task force, and since you took charge, over Mike Pence00,000 Americans have died. How do you explain that?

Mike Pence: Well, Susan, I’d like to begin by stalling hard. We’re in Utah, wow, what a magnificent state. Even though their basketball team is named after my greatest fear, Jazz. I yield the remainder of my time.

Susan Page: Alright. Senator Harris.

Kamala Harris: You see, this is what they do, Susan. They avoid taking any responsibility–

Mike Pence: We do not.

Kamala Harris: Mr. Vice President, I’m speaking. I’m speaking.

Mike Pence: Yeah. Well, I’m just trying–

Kamala Harris: I’m speaking.

Mike Pence: Yes, but–

Kamala Harris: Yeah, but I’m speaking. See, I’m speaking right now. Estoy hablando Nevada, Arizona, some parts of Texas. I’m speaking.

Mike Pence: I understand that. I understand.

Kamala Harris: Yeah. I don’t think you do. Because you talking and I’m speaking. See, this administration has consistently lied to us about the virus. They said they wanted to keep us calm, but let me ask the American people this, how calm were you when you didn’t know where you were going to get your next roll of toilet paper? Huh? How calm were you when you were staring at that cardboard tube when you finished the roll and you thought, “Well, it’s technically paper.” And how calm were you when even that tube was gone and you looked at your old t-shirts and a pair of scissors and thought, “Are we doing this?” Now, I’d like to hear the vice-president’s response, and while he speaks, I’m gonna smile at him like I’m in a TJ Maxx and a white lady asked me if I work here.

[Kamala Harris is nodding her head and smiling]

Mike Pence: Look, I promise you, the president has taken this virus seriously since the very beginning of last week.

Kamala Harris: Okay, now Susan, what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna switch to more of a Clair Huxtable side eye.

[Kamala Harris is looking at Mike Pence with her side eye]

Mike Pence: President Trump puts the health of all Americans way ahead of his own personal and financial gain.

Kamala Harris: Okay. So now what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna fix my face so you have no idea what I’m thinking, but black women at home knows exactly what I’m thinking. And a few of the white women. And all of the gays.

[Kamala Harris acts like she’s wearing makeup]

Mike Pence: But enough of covid. Lets on the two issues Americans do care about. Swine flu and fracking.

Kamala Harris: Now if anyone should be talking about fracking, it’s my guy Joe Biden. Joe Biden fracks in his free time. Joe Biden will frack you so good, Pennsylvania, and while I personally wanted to ban fracking, now that I know Pennsylvania loves it, I just want to say this. [in accent] You guys can bet your wawa cheesesteak hoagie and all the water in the Schuylkill river, then Joe Biden need to be fracking. Go Wagles!

Susan Page: Now Mr. Vice President, I have to ask this. What is the current health of president Trump?

Mike Pence: Thank you for asking, Susan.

Susan Page: Oh, I wasn’t asking out of sympathy, Mike. I was asking with a shimmering rage for his incompetence in a sadistic hope that he is not well.

Mike Pence: Unfortunately for you then, the president is doing amazing. Thanks to his team of terrified doctors. As you heard from his primary physician Dr. Handsome Liar, Trump is in peak physical condition.

Susan Page: [with disappointed face] Uh-huh. And to be clear, what medication has the president taken?

Mike Pence: Almost none, Susan. He has taken Asprin which he’s always taking, an injection of experimental monoclonal antibodies, a macho man Randy Savage amount of steroids, a woman’s pro-biotic for balance and 60 cc of helium into his skull, so his head doesn’t fall over on TV.

Susan Page: So, like a balloon head?

Mike Pence: That’s correct. Like a balloon head. He is also taking viagra for morale and some horny goat weed he bought at a gas station, because the president believes in medicine. Unlike senator Harris who said she wouldn’t even take a vaccine.

Kamala Harris: Look, if Dr. Fauci says a vaccine is good, I will be the first in line like it’s an Ann Taylor sample sale. But if Trump says it’s safe, I will throw that vaccine in the trash like last week’s shrimp pad thai. Besides, mama’s got all the vaccine she needs right here. [she pulls her martini glass in.]

Susan Page: And senator Harris, if elected, would you pack the supreme court?

[Kamala Harris spits out the martini]

Kamala Harris: Susan, instead of answering that exact question, I would like to tell you the story of when Joe picked me to be his running mate. Joe told me we were just going out for dinner. Then he got down on one knee and that’s when I knew that he needed help up. After that, he gathered himself and said, “Kammala, let’s do this.” And I said, “it’s Kamala.” And he said, “I will never ever, ever get that right.”

Susan Page: That’s very sweet. And vice president Pence, how did president Trump ask you?

Mike Pence: He texted me “Oh my god. I can’t believe those religious psychos made me pick Pence.” And then he texted, “Oops, wrong person.” Then he hasn’t texted me since. Oh, except in March when he wrote “coronavirus is your’s now.”

Kamala Harris: And what did you do to stop that virus? Because Joe Biden and I have a plan.

Mike Pence: Oh, like swine flu?

Kamala Harris: What?

Mike Pence: Swine flu. 2 million dead.

Kamala Harris: 2 million?

Mike Pence: 2 million if you include the swine. Those poor little piggies.

Kamala Harris: Okay. This fool’s up here talking about dead pigs.

[Cut to Joe Biden in his home with his wife watching the debate]

Joe Biden: Lord, love a duck. Kamala can’t get a word in edgewise. This joker drops more road apples than a bull eating a bran muffin.

Jill: Calm down, Joe. It’s okay.

Joe Biden: No, it’s not, Jill. I need to do something. [stands] I need to teleport to that debate and save the soul of this nation. [feeling dizzy] Woah! Got up way too fast.

[There’s a scientist at Joe Biden’s home]

Scientist: But sir, the teleportation machine is not ready yet. M-tracks says it needs at least six more months.

Jill: You heard him, Joe. It’s too dangerous. And what about COVID protocols?

Joe Biden: Don’t worry. I’ll wear a mask… on my eyes.

[The teleportation count-down begins. Joe Biden gets inside the machine. There’s a fly in the time machine too.]

[Cut to Mike Pence speaking at the debate. There’s that fly on his head.]

Mike Pence: And that is how president Trump will make the economy better by making it worse.

Susan Page: I’m sorry to interrupt vice-president Pence. There’s a–

Mike Pence: War on police in this country? I couldn’t agree more.

Susan Page: No, no. There’s a giant–

Mike Pence: Lack of respect for militias? You’re darn right.

Susan Page: No. Senator Harris, help me out.

Kamala Harris: Oh, no. I’m good. Looking real good, Mike. Keep it up.

[Cut to Joe Biden as a fly on Mike Pence’s hair.]

Joe Biden: Let me at him! Buzz, let me at him!

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, do you not feel that at all?

Mike Pence: I’ll tell you what I feel, Susan. I feel for the businesses that are going to be crippled by Joe Biden’s tax cuts.

Joe Biden: Yes, yes. Your economy is so on the toilet, I wanna lay my eggs on it. What? What?

[Cut to Jill Biden in her home watching the debate]

Jill: Oh, no. There must have been a fly in the teleportation machine. That’s why Joe turned into a fly.

Scientist: Yeah. But that doesn’t explain why he sounds like Jeff Goldblum.

[Cut to Jeff Goldblum playing Joe Biden as the fly]

Jeff Goldblum: God created dinosaurs. Dinosaurs became republican. Republicans created Trump. Trump destroys god. Oh!

[Cut to Jill Biden in her home watching the debate]

Jill: Oh, no. Now he’s gone full Goldblum.

Scientist: He even has the glasses.

[Cut to Jeff Goldblum playing Joe Biden as the fly]

Jeff Goldblum: apartments.com. The most popular place to find a place. No, no. Yes, yes. Because life finds way.

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President.

[Now there are two flies on Mike Pence’s head]

Mike Pence: Yes.

Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, there’s another one.

Mike Pence: Another Antifa rally? No surprise there.

Kamala Harris: Oh, honey. At this point, I’m just enjoying the show. [Kamala Harris pulls out and starts eating popcorn]

[Cut to two flies, Jeff Goldblum and Herman Cain]

Herman Cain: Man, what kind of nonsense is Mike Pence trying to pull?

Jeff Goldblum: Do tell, do tell. Wait, I’m sorry. Friend, you look familiar.

Herman Cain: Well, I better. I’m Herman Cain reincarnated as a damn fly. And these fools, Trump and Pence killed me, man. They invited me to a rally with no mask. Said, “Everything is fine, Herman.” I catch corona. Trump tell me, “Everything is fine, Herman.” The White House doctors, they checked me out and they said, “Everything fine, Herman.” Three days later, I’m gone. If you watching this at home, don’t trust this white devil about corona.

Susan Page: Yes, vice president Pence, I think one of your flies is screaming at you.

Tiny voice: Whity’s gonna give you the corona.

Susan Page: Okay, I think we need to shut this debate down for the good of humanity. Senator Harris, would you like to do what everyone at home wants to do?

[Kamala Harris is holding a fly killer racket]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I would.

[Kamala Harris hits on Mike Pence’s head]

Susan Page: Flies, anything else you’d like to add?

[Cut to the two flies. Herman Cain is injured by the hit.]

Herman Cain: Oh! Am I dying again?

[Fly Jeff Goldblum pukes]

Jeff Goldblum: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Herman Cain and Jeff Goldblum: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

New Normal

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kyle Mooney

Jeannie…Kate McKinnon

Don… Bill Burr

[Starts with three adult couples enjoying barbecue at backyard.]

Chloe: Thank you so much for doing this. It’s so nice to have to have a reason to get out of the house.

Kenan: Well, we thought that we could at least get together out here so we can social distance on the deck.

Ego: Yeah. As much as we wanna see people, I know it’s still a little nerve wrecking.

Kyle: Jeannie and Don, we haven’t seen you this whole time.

Jeannie: Oh, no. We’ve been really, really deep in our bubble. You’re the first people we’ve seen in six months. I hope you remember how.

Don: Ha-ha. Yeah. I’d say we’re a little freaked out just seeing people in 3D, but you know, I am so glad that we did this.

Jeannie: Yeah, me too.

Kyle: It’s such a weird time.

Jeannie: Um-hmm, it really is. It’s a cliche, but it’s unpresidented.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s funny.

Ego: That is funny.

Don: What? What’s funny?

Kyle: Well, you said ‘unpresidented’. That does a joke, you know? Like, we don’t have president.

Jeannie: Oh, no. I just said the word.

Don: Yeah. Like, you know, they say it at the ending of every commercial. Like, “In these unpresidented times.”

Jeannie: “In the unpresidented times, you need snickers” or whatever.

Chloe: Oh. Okay. Well, I guess we had it confused.

Ego: Yeah. Because the word is actually–

Kenan: You know, you don’t have to actually do that.

Ego: I mean, but I would want to know.

Kenan: Or you can just let it go.

Don: No, no, say, say. Let what go?

Chloe: No. It’s just the word you’re thinking of is unprecedented.

Jeannie: Is it really? Unprecedented. Unprecedented.

Don: Unprecedented. Okay.

Jeannie: I guess we said that wrong. I guess.

Don: Hah. Unprecedented. Okay. Thank you.

Jeannie: Yes. Unprecedented? Yeah.  Thank you.

Kyle: Well, you know what’s unprecedented? These wings.

Kenan: Ha-ha. Okay.

Ego: Ha-ha-ha. Do you like em’? I bake them.

Kenan: Yeah. I actually think they taste better than the fried one.

Don: You know, I’m sorry we said the word wrong. Okay?

Kenan: I’m sorry. What was that?

Jeannie: I’m sorry we said the word wrong in your house. Or on your deck. Sorry, we’re on your deck!

Don: It was nothing. Watch it, Jeannie. Don’t say you’re in the house when we’re on the deck. You wouldn’t want to say the wrong place.

Jeannie: Yeah. We made so many mistakes tonight and I am sorry.

Don: Hey, sorry. Sorry, we had to make– we have a nerve to make so many mistakes on your deck.

Kyle: Don’t get upset. It’s nothing.

Ego: Yeah. You know, the other day I said ‘Dua Lipi’ instead of ‘Dua Lipa’.

Don: Look, we have not been out of the house in six months.

Jeannie: We’ve had show many COVID scares?

Don: I don’t know. I get–

Jeannie: [yelling] Kenan0! Kenan0!

Don: I get fevers. I don’t even know why. Okay?

Jeannie: So, I’m sorry we’re a little on edge. It’s just where we’re at.

Don: Okay? This is just our noon normal. Okay?

Kyle: New normal?

Don: What?

Kenan: Don’t correct him. You ain’t got to correct him.

Don: No, no, no, no, no. What did you say? I said noon normal. What did you say?

Chloe: The phrase is ‘new normal’.

Jeannie: He said noon normal.

Chloe: I know, but it’s new normal. What is noon normal?

Don: You know, it’s like when the day’s going great and then at around noon time, it just– [yelling] [Don throws his wine glass at the wall]

Kyle: Good god!

Jeannie: We are all we have. You see? We only see each other every day.

Don: Things get repeated. Our brains get confused.

Jeannie: We don’t have a deck. We don’t have outdoor lights. Well, we don’t have baked wings. We’re not rich.

Don: We drink our money.

Jeannie: Our money goes to drinks. [Jeannie throws her wine glass on the wall too]

Kyle: Oh good Jesus!

[Jeannie kicks the wings away]

Jeannie: I’m sorry. I have kicked the wings. I’m sorry.

Don: Yeah. And I might have broken a glass. And I think she broke one too. So, we owe you two glasses. Alright? For all intent and porposes, I’m sorry.

Jeannie: I’m sorry we’re bad.

Kenan: Jeannie, Don, calm down. Come on. It’s okay. The world is really stressful right now. You don’t have to be sorry for anything.

Ego: My wings are everywhere, but the important thing is that we’re together.

Kyle: And we’re safe and healthy.

Ego: Yeah. And thank god, no one has COVID.

Jeannie: I think you mean COVIN.

Kenan: [whispering to Ego] Girl, we’re gonna run out of glasses if you say something.

Ego: That’s right. It is COVIN. I meant to say COVIN.

All: Here’s to the end of COVIN.

Stunt Performers

Chase Wexler…Mikey Day

Chip Lazar…Chris Redd

Kelly Huntman…Ego Nwodim

Karan Raniere…Kate McKinnon

Guff Burthardt… Aidy Bryant

Male voice: And now, the Stunt Performers Gill presents and “Epic Virtual Fight.”

[Cut to Chase Wexler in his home]

Chase Wexler: I wish I could be back on set doing kick ass stunts with my friends. [ting] Wait a minute! We can do it from home! [does the karate] Ya! Ya!

[Chase Wexler head-butts on camera. Cut to Chip Lazar got hit by the head-butt.]

Chip Lazar: Argh! No way!

[Chip Lazar kicks on camera. Cut to Kelly Huntman’s bottle falls off her hand by Chip Lazar’s kick.]

Kelly Huntman: Oh, no. Not today!

[Kelly Huntman gets a wooden sword and hits on camera. Cut to Karan Raniere got hit by the sword.]

Karan Raniere: Oh! [Karan Raniere falls off the stairs] You rotten kids!

[Karan Raniere takes off her shoe and throws it at the camera. Cut to the shoe hitting on Guff Burthardt’s butt. Her pants get torn.]

Guff Burthardt: Oh! My ass!

[Cut to the stunt performers]

Chase Wexler: Hi, we are stunt performers of America.

Chip Lazar: Just like you, we can’t wait to get back to work.

Kelly Huntman: We wanna be doing epic car chases.

Chase Wexler: Sick knife fights.

Chip Lazar: Karate and motorcycle jumps.

Karan Raniere: And our expertise is mostly falling down and getting hit in the crotch by kids.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. We stunt double for villains and children’s comedy. So, I typically play the fat authoritative woman who people like to see get hurt real bad.

Karan Raniere: I’m usually getting tossed. You ever see a body going – [gesturing as if body’s flying] “Ah!” through the air and kids are cheering, that’s probably me.

Chase Wexler: We love what we do.

Kelly Huntman: And there’s all different kinds of stunts.

Chip Lazar: Nothing makes me happier than jumping through fire.

Kelly Huntman: Or leaping off a helicoptor.

Karan Raniere: Or getting kicked into a dumbster by a cow for the purposes of children’s comedy.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. It’s been six months since I’ve been able to use my number one skill which is of course farting from being hit in the head.

Karan Raniere: And we’re from the old school. We’re not faking those farts.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. No. I mean it helps the kids understand that we’re not actually being hurt. We are just being hit so hard that farts are coming out.

Chip Lazar: You might not know us but we help make some of your favorite movies. I drove the Maserati in “Furious 7”.

Kelly Huntman: I was an Amazon warrior in “Wonder Woman”.

Guff Burthardt: And I played ugly shher  in “Cool Kid Library”. And also, evil lunch lady in Camp Bitch”.

Karan Raniere: And I was the star of “Nurse Wedgie”. In this one part, the– [laughing] the kids switched my hat for an octopus and then I stumbled face first into a toilet. Which was hard, coz then we had to go and shoot the scene.

[The stunt performs are working out]

Kelly Huntman: Gotta stay strong.

Chip Lazar: Gotta stay in shape.

[Karan Raniere and Guff Burthardt are slapping each other’s butts]

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. Don’t wanna lose our ass calluses.  One, two, three.

Karan Raniere: These stunts hurt. I’ve been bit in the vagina by a dog more times than I can count.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. You know, and the dogs don’t understand that it’s pretend. So, if you want them to let go, you gotta cut their heads off.

Chase Wexler: So, everybody, please, wear your mask, stay home and hang in there, so we can do more of this.

[Chase Wexler picks up an orange and throws it at the camera. Cut to Kelly Huntman catching the orange Chase Wexler just threw. Kelly Huntman then punches at the camera. Cut to Chip Lazar getting punched. Chip Lazar then kicks at camera. Cut to Guff Burthardt’s ass getting kicked.]

Guff Burthardt: Oh! You teems! [farts]

[Cut to the dogs.]

[Cut to Karan Raniere pretending to be bit by a stuffed animal dog.]

Karan Raniere: Oh!

Guff Burthardt: You dirty kids. Not my library, teens!

Male voice: The Stunt Performers Association of America. For more info on our cool or shameful stunts, call today.

NBA Bubble

Patrice Soupsalad… Chris Rock

Candis… Ego Nwodim

Queenie… Chloe Fineman

Kittie…Lauren Holt

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Maya Rudolph

Punkie Johnson

Delivery guy… Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Adam Silver… Alex Moffat

Athlete… Chris Redd

Meghan Thee Stallion

[Starts with ESPN show intro]

Male voice: Live from Big Thunder Mountain Hotel in Orlando, it’s the NBA Bubble Draft finals. With your host, Patrice Soupsalad.

[Cut to Soupsalad in the show set]

Soupsalad: Welcome, welcome, welcome. That’s right. During this unique NBA season, our players have been completely isolated from their wives, their girlfriends and whoever else they might wanna see. None of we reached NBA finals. These lovely ladies have one last chance to join the NBA bubble. This is the a NBA Bubble draft.

[Cut to sponsored ads]

Male voice: Brought to you by, Summer’s Eve Lysol wipes, because you may have sadden someone, and you don’t want to get it that way!

[Cut back to Soupsalad]

Soupsalad: Now, these women may not get an NBA championship ring, but they can get the next best thing. Soupsalad8 years of child support.

[There are three women standing beside Soupsalad]

Let’s pick the top draft picks.

Candis: I’m Candis and I’ve got a really impressive resume. Lil’ Wayne, Lil’ Dicky, Wesley Snipes and two years of nursing school. Shublop!

Queenie: I’m Queenie, a former hockey ho who styled in in two sports. I used the follow the Canucks but now I follow the Kanicks. Leave me in a bubble.

Kittie: [holding a syringe] I’m Kittie. I’m an essential worker here to shoot my shot.

Soupsalad: So, you’re a COVID nurse?

Kittie: [nodding her head] Sure!

Soupsalad: Seeing a lot of promise here today. It’s gonna be difficult to choose the smartest, the prettiest, and the most down for whatever, if you know what I mean. So, who’s next?

[There’s another woman dressed in leopard print dress and she is holding a bag.]

Aidy: A-hah! Honey, how’d I get this bag, how’d I get this ring? Well, let’s just say it’s velvet down there. [pointing at the audience] Hey, hey, is that girl laughing at me?

[Cut to the audience. They are just real-life-size cardboard cutouts.]

Soupsalad: Sweetheart, that’s a cutout of a face.

Aidy: Well, she got a stank face and she’s flat as hell!

[Aidy walks out and Kate walks in.]

Kate: Hey, hey. Is this where the Seattle Storm and the Las Vegas Aces are staying?

Soupsalad: I think you’re looking for the WNBA.

Kate: Ha-ha-ha. Right, you are, sir. Yes!

Soupsalad: Love is love. Love is basketball. Who’s next?

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Maya: My husband and I have been together singe high school. We have five kids and I am his rock. But he already told me wives aren’t allowed in the bubble, so I am just here to send my man some love.

Soupsalad: Well, you are allowed in the bubble. You just have to quarantine.

Maya: Oh, interesting. That is not the information that have been previously relayed to me. But now that I’m privy to this, my husband is a dead man.

Soupsalad: Things are heating up.

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Punkie: How y’all doing? I’m TJ and I’ve been here for 60 days, because I just have to keep restarting quarantine because I can’t stop ordering buffalo wild wings.

Soupsalad: The bubble is tight. No ordering outside food.

Punkie: It’s alright because I made it to day 13, so I am good.

[A delivery guy walks in]

Delivery guy: Um, I have a buffalo wild wings delivery here.

Punkie: I said contactless delivery, man!

[Punkie walks out and Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Hi. I was actually quarantined in Disney World anyway. I just work in the hall of president’s. I played Monica Lewinsky, but then I got older. [whispering] Pills. And now I get to be Goofy. Marry me, basketball. Oh, I should put on my mask.

[Heidi wears Goofy dog’s mascot head.]

[There’s a sound playing]

Soupsalad: You know what that sound means. The draft pick has been made. Please welcome NBA commissioner, Adam Silver.

[Adam Silver walks in with a young basketball player walking behind him.]

Adam Silver: Hey! Alright. Good work, Soupsalad. Wow. You know, being here today just proves that even in a pandemic, you can’t keep a good ho down. With that being said, our point guard’s beautiful wife Michelle is here. So, obviously we’re gonna–

Athlete: [interrupting] Uh-uh. There’s a change of plans. I choose her. [pointing at Meghan]

Meghan: Ah! Oh my god! I promise you won’t regret this, okay? It’s been a long journey to get here. All the DM slotting, all the thirst trapping. You got my Amazon wishlist, right?

Athlete: Uh-huh.

Meghan: Love you.

Soupsalad: First wives, second wives, mistresses and side pieces, this has been the NBA Draft Bubble.

Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.

Lighthouse Keeper

Phineas Gale…. Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Kate sitting with a small decorating ship in front of her. It’s a black and white video.]

Phineas Gale: Hello. My name’s Phineas Gale. I be the keeper of this here lighthouse. You know, I heard astronauts were giving tips on living in isolation. I thought, well, hey, I’ve been living alone on a rock in the middle of the sea for 50 years. I know a thing or two about a thing or two about that.

[A lighthouse keeper’s isolation tips.]

[showing her journal] First things first, it’s important to keep a journal. Here, I do. [reading] April 4th, the seals are flirting with me.

You want to make your groceris last. And one way to do that is to have them all be beans.

Keep abreast of the news, and listen to the CDC. [pretending like he’s speaking on the phone] Okay, but why? You want me to do what? You want me to run around naked onthe shore, flapping me appendage in the breeze for all the seagulls to see? Okay.

In care it weren’t clear before, I’ve gone absolutely mad from the sea.

You got to keep your bearings. Here’s my trusty map. [showing a map she made herself.] Okay, I’ve got mother’s house, Australia, Australia, water.

[talking on the phone] What do you mean no one’s coming to relieve me? It’s been 50 years.

[singing] And my coo-coo from scurv or coo-coo from clap
only the sea can know

[talking on the phone] The ship was supposed to come in four days. So, for how much longer? They don’t know? Well, I’ll make a vaccine.

[There’s a bottle with a letter inside it at the shore.]

Me message in a bottle. [The letter says “I vote for Carter.”] Never made it.

I didn’t always used to be a lighthouse keeper. I was the town arsonist. I was in jail.

[looking at a mirror] I have a beard?

[looking at a fish at the shore with binoculars] Ooh, la, la. That’s what daddy like. Looking good, sweetheart.

[walking to a wooden eagle] Mother, good news. I’m going to be the next bachelor. Well, they saw the video that I’m making right now.

Thank you so much for listening. Just remember the most important thing. Do not give your money to a clam. Please. They don’t need it. Okay, goodnight.

Digital Exclusive- Message to the Girls

Aiden… Aidy Bryant

Kurt… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video bumper]

Female voice: A message to the girls from the goys.

[Cut to two guys]

Aiden: What the hell is up, girls? It’s your boys, Aiden..

Kurt: And Kurt. Tonight is the best night of your life, Prom. Or at least it was.

Aiden: We should be in a hotel ball room right now making you feel like a queen.

Kurt: But unfortunately for cupid, prom got canceled coz of the Qdoba virus.

Aiden: Since we can’t be there to shower you in admirances, we thought we’d take you to prom in your fantasy.

Kurt: And tell you what would have gone down if we were there to put it down.

Aiden: 6 PM.

Kurt: Pictures. First up, I will show up 30 minutes early with my entire family.

Aiden: I will present you with a refrigerated corsage made entirely of 100% baby’s breath. That’s the breath of a baby, girl.

Kurt: I will rent a tux from a Halloween website.

Aiden: We can take 3,000 pictures next to your neighbor’s fancy shrub and my hands, they’re gonna sweat so much that the back of your dress is gonna change color, girl.

Kurt: 6:45.

Aiden: Limo time.

Kurt: I will pay for my whole portion of limo and half of your’s.

Aiden: I of course will sit front where there’s a seatbelt and I will chat with the driver. It seems like it would be hard to drive around the corners with the limo.

Kurt: 7:23.

Aiden: We enter the dance.

Kurt: You walk off to be with and talk to girls. I will be with my guys. Twice through the night, I will approach you and then leave.

Aiden: Mr. Chadman said we’d make a great pair. I don’t know if you’ve heard that but it’s actually something to think about.

Kurt: Our prom is at the Aviation Museum. I was actually on the committee to help select a theme. WWII.

Aiden: And ooh, girl. If we were at prom, we’d dance like this. [dancing]

Kurt: And like this.

Aiden: Probably some of this.

Kurt: And of course, this. [dabs]

Aiden: 10:15.

Kurt: Make out time. When it’s time to kiss, I’ll become distant and sweaty like a first time bank robber.

Aiden: I will have so many altoids throughout the night, you will feel my breath in your eyes.

Kurt: I will close my eyes and fully miss your mouth.

Aiden: I’ll start things off easy by sucking your tongue just the way you like it, girl.

Kurt: At the end of the night, I will pay my friend Chris to give me a hickey.

Aiden: I can’t wait to take you home, to your house. And then I of course will go to my house and explode.

Both: I love you, Brigitte.

Video message: To the graduating class of 2020, from all of us at SNL: Girl, you’re a queen.