Tag: Kenan Thompson

Jack Flatts

Kyle Mooney

Trevor… Beck Bennett

Cory… Andrew Dismukes

Roven… Kenan Thompson

Trish…Lauren Holt

[Starts with Jack Flatts commerical]

Female voice: Due to covid-19 stay at home restrictions, Jack Flatts has been unable to serve you our delicious retro burgers and shakes indoors. We know how much our loyal customers miss coming in and enjoying Jack Flatts classic American fair and our server’s hilarious wise cracking attitudes. But we’re still here, serving the community as best we can by offering free Curbside Pickup and delivery–

[rock music playing]

[Cut to three people who are yelling and protesting angrily]

Trevor: Open up Jack Flatts now. Enough of this new normal crap.

Kyle: I wanna eat in a restaurant where the waiters make fun of you. And not just Curb Side, inside.

Cory: I don’t care what the state says. Before all this covid stuff when Jack Flatts opened up a new store, the governor was so happy to go out there and wave and stuff. Now,no?

Trevor: If you don’t open up Jack Flatts, I’m gonna… [small voice] kidnap the governor.

Kyle: I want the waiters to tease me while I’m eating saying, “You sure you can eat all that, big boy?” I want you to tease without a mask so I can hear what they’re saying. And if I don’t get teased without a mask… [small voice] I’ll kidnap the governor.

Trevor: Hey, this is my best bud, Roven. [Roven walks in] We have the same birthday, except he’s 19 years older. And every year, we go to Jack Flatts to celebrate. And what? Now we can’t coz the state says so?

Roven: Open up the playground.

Trevor: Yeah. You’re right. Mainly open up Jack Flatts. Otherwise, me and Roven… [small voice] will tie up the governor hiding somewhere.

Cory: I miss it. I miss the wacko fries, I miss the Joe Schmo burger, the flat melt, smash pies, host that looks like the goth girl from CSI. She is nasty but she calls me hunk coz I go there a lot.

Kyle: If you don’t open Jack Flatts, me, Trevor, Cory, Roven… [small voice] we’re gonna do it.

Trevor: Roven’s got all the stuff in his trunk.

Roven: Yeah. I always do.

Trevor: I don’t like the masks. I always get it up side down. I can’t see smiles.

Roven: Wanna see smiles.

[Cory pulls Trish in]

Cory: This is Trish, the funniest waitress at Jack Flatts. I showed up for Curb Side with mustard on my shirt and she didn’t even make fun of me. Just let it fly. What the hell am I paying for?

Trish: Okay, I don’t know what’s going on but this dude told me if I quit my shift, he would give me $1000 and put me in a movie.

Kyle: I get it. Not everybody likes to be teased. Don’t come here then. It’s just for fun. We’re not making fun of the real you. Just you as a customer.

Trish: So, is this like, a porno? Because honestly, at this point I don’t even care. I just want that $1000.

[Cory pushes Trish away]

Trevor: Just open up Jack Flatts. No masks, Joe schmoe burger and endless wacko fries, smashed pies, free gup buster refills. Jack Top bands playing all their hits. Otherwise… [small voice] I’m gonna snatch you up.

Cory: Yup. [small voice] Grab and trap you, the governor. Gonna blow and pass the guards.

[Kyle is holding a band’s picture]

Kyle: One of the guys in Jack Top band is like our game thing. Our group. And he wants to go back and play their hits.

Roven: Let them think.

Cory: [holding George Washington’s picture] George Washington wanted the British to tease him. He fought them to have that and soon as the British government said, “No more teasing, not allowed to tease that man,” what did George Washington do? [small voice] Kidnapped them. King, prince, everybody.

Trevor: That’s might up. Huh? They opened it back up. Made it back to be old mama guy.

[Trish walks back in]

Trish: Look, if I don’t get my money, I’m gonna slap the hell out of one of you virgins.

Cory: Hah! Good one, Trish.

Trish: I’m not joking.

[Back to Jack Flatts commercial]

Female voice: At Jack Flatts, we hope to see you soon.

First Date Exes

Sharon… Issa Rae

Dwayne… Chris Redd

Clifford… Kenan Thompson

Karate man… Pete Davidson

Robot… Bowen Yang

Crystal… Punkie Johnson

Sharon: I guess the waiter forgot to give us menus.

Dwayne: Oh, no. The menu’s on the barcode thing. You just go and take a picture of it and it pops on your phone.

Sharon: Oh. That’s convenient.

Dwayne: Right? I take you haven’t been out on any dates since COVID?

Sharon: Not really. But then, I didn’t really date much before COVID either.

Dwayne: Really? That’s surprising.

Sharon: Yes. I don’t have the best luck with guys. They all end up crazy.

Dwayne: Oh. So, what’s your type?

Sharon: Not you.

Dwayne: Damn!

Sharon: No, no. I didn’t mean it like that. That came out wrong. I meant I don’t usually date guys who take me to fancy places like this. This is really nice.

Dwayne: Oh. Well, I’m happy I could show you something different.

Sharon: Me too.

Dwayne: You know, what’s really good is this crab ravioli. It comes in this cream, right.

[a guy walks in with a roses in his hand. He looks poor.]

Clifford: Sharon?

Sharon: Oh, god.

Clifford: Sharon, that is you, girl.

Sharon: Hey, Clifford.

Clifford: You are looking good. Um. Um. Um. I see you. Got them yams all out. Um-hmm. Toes looking all pretty. Titty meat popping out.

Sharon: Clifford, I’m kind of busy right now.

Clifford: Oh, oh, my bad. I don’t mean to intrude.

Sharon: Well, you are.

Clifford: Okay, okay. Live your life, girl. Live your life. But it is good to see you. Here you go. Um, um, um. [Clifford pours wine on Sharon’s glass] The one that got away.

Sharon: Good bye, Clifford.

Clifford: Oh. Alright. Ay, bro, she is the woman, alright? Don’t mess it up like I did.

Dwayne: Okay.

Clifford: [handing over the rose] Hey, you want to buy this flower?

[Dwayne is reaching over to his wallet]

Sharon: You don’t have to do that. Bye, Clifford.

Clifford: Why you hating on my business? Okay, fine.

Sharon: I am so sorry about that.

Dwayne: No, it’s cool. You know him or something?

Sharon: Yeah, we sort of kind of dated for a while.

Dwayne: Like, when ya’ll were kids?

Sharon: No. We used to work together. Anyway, so the ravioli in the cream sauce?

Dwayne: The what now?

Sharon: The crab ravioli.

Dwayne: Oh, yes.

[a guys wearing a karate gee walks in shouting]

Karate man: I will burn this whole place to the ground. [looks at Sharon] Sharon? You girl?

Sharon: You gotta be kidding. Hey, karate man.

Dwayne: Karate man?

Karate man: Konichiwa, girl. Look at you. Legs all out like pa-dow! Titty meat like Ka-ram!

Dwayne: Yo, my man.

Karate man: Karate man.

Dwayne: Okay, karate man. Do you mind? We on a date right now.

Karate man: A date? So, that’s how you living now, Sharon?

Sharon: Karate man, what do you want from me? You said you wanted your space so I gave it to you.

Karate man: You right, you right. But losing you is my only regret.

Dwayne: You only have one regret?

Karate man: Anyway, I’ll go. I don’t mean to ruin your feng shui.

Sharon: Well, you are.

Karate man: Take care of her, man. [whispering] She likes her butt slapped.

Sharon: I am so sorry. Wow. Two exes on a row. What are the odds?

Dwayne: And he broke up with you?

Sharon: I wish. He just ghosted me. Maybe we should just go inside?

Dwayne: We can’t. They’re like, 2% capacity. Where are you meeting these dudes?

Sharon: Oh. Work, mostly. Look, I don’t want to talk about them. Tell me about you. What do you do?

Dwayne: Well, I just made partner at the law firm I work at. First person.

[Another guy who is fully painted like a statue walks in]

Robot: Is that Sharon?

Sharon: Don’t look.

Dwayne: That’s another one?

Robot: That is Sharon. I see you tryna’ hide from me, girl, acting like that. I’d recognize that titty meat anywhere.

Sharon: Oh, hey, Robot. It’s been a while.

Robot: Remember my dog, Astro? I see you got a little chocolate daddy now, too. I ain’t mad at you, girl.

Dwayne: What the hell did he call me?

Robot: Look, I ain’t got time to flap gums. I’m late for a protest. They’re trying to close down the peep world on 8th avenue. Hey, you using them dinner rolls? I need some carbs.

Sharon: Just take them, Robot.

Robot: Well, I’ll see you around, sugar foot

Dwayne: Okay, tell me you didn’t date him too.

Sharon: No. He was just a work friend. But we’ve had a lot of sex.

Dwayne: Ew. Where the hell do you work?

Sharon: Just around the corner. I told you. I’m an Elsa.

Dwayne: An Elsa?

Sharon: Yes. I’m a Time Square Elsa. First woman of color, by the way.

Dwayne: Okay, you definitely never told me that.

Sharon: Remember? I said I was a princess?

Dwayne: I thought you just meant your dad was rich.

Sharon: Look, I’m sorry if this is all too weird. Maybe I should just leave.

Dwayne: No, no, no. Wait. Look, I’m not going to judge you based off your past. Let’s just forget all that and start over. Deal?

[a very unhygienic looking woman walks in]

Crystal: Dwayne? Is that you, Dwayne?

Dwayne: Oh, hey, Crystal.

Crystal: Who is this bitch?

Dwayne: Are you drunk?

Sports Debate

Michelle Compton… Ego Nwodim

Kevin Dozier… Kenan Thompson

Gill Scott… Bill Burr

[Starts with ‘The Blitz’ intro]

[Cut to the set]

Michelle: Good morning. Welcome to ‘The Blitz’. I’m Michelle Compton. With me as always is Hall of Fame receiver Kevin ‘Cash’ Dozier and the incomparable Gill Scott. How are you gentlement?

Kevin: Well, I’ve been better, Michelle.

Gill: I’ll tell you. I am fired up today, Michelle, because how about them bears?

Michelle: Okay. I see. Gill is excited to talk about Chicago’s win over Tempa.

Gill: No, no, no. That wasn’t just a win. That was a statement to the rest of the NFL. And I specifically remember my esteemed colleague, Mr. Hall of Famer here not only called me a stupid idiot for believing in Chicago, but you even bet me a steak dinner at Lombardo’s that they’d lose. Don’t even try weaseling out of it like you always do.

Michelle: Okay. Alright. Gill seems very happy here.

Gill: I am– I am more than happy. Last night was like, the best night of my life. I’m gonna put my bears gear on here, huh? I haven’t eaten all day to make room for that steak you owe me, buddy. Oh, I see Mr. Quiet over there doesn’t have much to say, do you? Look at you. You’re about to cry or something.

Kevin: No, I just– I didn’t actually watch the game.

Gill: Oh, I bet you didn’t, coz you owe me a steak.

Kevin: Well, as I was saying, I didn’t watch the game after hearing about Kareem Jenkins, the black man who was shot by police last night. It was a terrible tragedy.

Michelle: Yeah, me neither, Kevin. Football, sports in general, everything just feels so small after yesterday’s tragedy.

Kevin: Yeah. I totally agree, Michelle. All I can watch was the news coverage of the ongoing protest and riots.

Michelle: Oh, yeah. And that speech from his parents, it was truly heart breaking.

Gill: Yeah, yeah. I mean that was truly heartbreaking.

Michelle: Gill, but since you watched the game last night, if you–

Gill: I mean– I mean I watched some of the game. But I was flipping back and forth between the news. But I was mostly watching the news.

Kevin: Ah. You’re stronger man than I am, Gill. Coz I couldn’t stomach one second of football last night.

Michelle: I went out and spoke with some protestors.

Gill: And just to be clear, there was a ticker score at the bottom of the news. I mean, that’s what I was watching. You know what? I think I should take this crap off. [pulls off his bears hat.]

Kevin: Actually, I’m sorry to cut you off, Gill, but I just have to say this into the camera. As a black man, I wanna know when is this all gonna stop?

[A waiter brings in a steak to Gill that he won on bet]

Michelle: I’m sorry to stop you, Kevin, but there’s something going on here.

Gill: Okay. This is awkward. But I thought Kevin might welch on our steak bet like he always does, so I thought it would be fun to have Lombardo’s send the stuff directly to the studio as a joke. So, I’m sorry. Please continue.

[There’s another waiter holding a big baby bottle by Kevin’s side.]

Waiter: And for the big baby.

Gill: That’s my fault. That’s my fault.

Kevin: What the hell? What is this?

Gill: It’s a baby bottle. Coz I thought you were gonna make excuses for the Bucks losing. It was supposed to be funny.

[Waiter walks in with a pepper crusher]

Waiter: Fresh crack pepper, sir?

Gill: No, no, that’s fine. That’s fine.

Waiter: Fresh crack pepper for your steak, sir?

Gill: No, no. I don’t even want this. I don’t even want this.

Waiter: Is it not the right temperature, sir?

Gill: No, I can tell by looking at it, it’s perfect. Just get it out of here.

Michelle: You know, Kevin, why don’t you finish what you were saying while Gill enjoys his juicy steak.

[Now, a baby face filter is applied on Kevin]

Kevin: Yeah. So, as I was saying, as a black man, I am sick and tired of asking– Ay! Is that a filter on me?

Gill: I told the booth to do that. Cut it out, guys. Please. Just get this stupid steak out of here, man. Please.

Waiter: Sorry about that guys. I’ll just throw that right now.

Gill: Just wrap it up or something.

Waiter: It’s no problem. We can throw it away.

Gill: Can you please get rid of it? Well, might as well wrap it up now that you have it.

Waiter: Okay. Whatever you want.

Gill: Keep it out in the open. Look, I just want to say what happened–

Kevin: Why don’t you just eat the steak, Gill?

Michelle: Yeah, get over it.

Gill: I don’t want to eat the steak. Okay? I just– We shouldn’t waste it, right? I mean, it smells so good. So, let’s just wrap it up and put it in the break room. Someone will eat it eventually.

Michelle: Gill, you don’t have to pretend, okay? You don’t have to pretend you’re upset, okay? You clearly are not.

Gill: I am upset. Give me a camera. [looks right into the camera] I want to make this perfectly clear that I do not support nor will I be defined by the comments of a couple of trolls. What happened last night is completely unacceptable and it breaks my heart what happened to that guy.

Michelle: What guy?

Gill: The guy you were talking about.

Kevin: Yeah, but what’s his name?

Gill: You said it earlier.

Michelle: And?

Gill: God, you know, there’s so many guys to it’s name. [looking and pointing at the camera] And that’s the problem. You know what? Give me the steak. I saw a homeless guy. I can give it to him.

[Waiter walks in with a packed paper bag]

Waiter: Alright, here you go, sir.

Gill: Thank you.

[The waiter walks to Kevin with a bill]

Waiter: I was told that you’d take care of the bill?

Kevin: Man, I ain’t paying the damn bill.

Gill: [shouting] See? See? I knew he was gonna welch on it. Every time! Come on, man. Deal’s a deal. Chicago Bears, baby!

New Normal

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kyle Mooney

Jeannie…Kate McKinnon

Don… Bill Burr

[Starts with three adult couples enjoying barbecue at backyard.]

Chloe: Thank you so much for doing this. It’s so nice to have to have a reason to get out of the house.

Kenan: Well, we thought that we could at least get together out here so we can social distance on the deck.

Ego: Yeah. As much as we wanna see people, I know it’s still a little nerve wrecking.

Kyle: Jeannie and Don, we haven’t seen you this whole time.

Jeannie: Oh, no. We’ve been really, really deep in our bubble. You’re the first people we’ve seen in six months. I hope you remember how.

Don: Ha-ha. Yeah. I’d say we’re a little freaked out just seeing people in 3D, but you know, I am so glad that we did this.

Jeannie: Yeah, me too.

Kyle: It’s such a weird time.

Jeannie: Um-hmm, it really is. It’s a cliche, but it’s unpresidented.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s funny.

Ego: That is funny.

Don: What? What’s funny?

Kyle: Well, you said ‘unpresidented’. That does a joke, you know? Like, we don’t have president.

Jeannie: Oh, no. I just said the word.

Don: Yeah. Like, you know, they say it at the ending of every commercial. Like, “In these unpresidented times.”

Jeannie: “In the unpresidented times, you need snickers” or whatever.

Chloe: Oh. Okay. Well, I guess we had it confused.

Ego: Yeah. Because the word is actually–

Kenan: You know, you don’t have to actually do that.

Ego: I mean, but I would want to know.

Kenan: Or you can just let it go.

Don: No, no, say, say. Let what go?

Chloe: No. It’s just the word you’re thinking of is unprecedented.

Jeannie: Is it really? Unprecedented. Unprecedented.

Don: Unprecedented. Okay.

Jeannie: I guess we said that wrong. I guess.

Don: Hah. Unprecedented. Okay. Thank you.

Jeannie: Yes. Unprecedented? Yeah.  Thank you.

Kyle: Well, you know what’s unprecedented? These wings.

Kenan: Ha-ha. Okay.

Ego: Ha-ha-ha. Do you like em’? I bake them.

Kenan: Yeah. I actually think they taste better than the fried one.

Don: You know, I’m sorry we said the word wrong. Okay?

Kenan: I’m sorry. What was that?

Jeannie: I’m sorry we said the word wrong in your house. Or on your deck. Sorry, we’re on your deck!

Don: It was nothing. Watch it, Jeannie. Don’t say you’re in the house when we’re on the deck. You wouldn’t want to say the wrong place.

Jeannie: Yeah. We made so many mistakes tonight and I am sorry.

Don: Hey, sorry. Sorry, we had to make– we have a nerve to make so many mistakes on your deck.

Kyle: Don’t get upset. It’s nothing.

Ego: Yeah. You know, the other day I said ‘Dua Lipi’ instead of ‘Dua Lipa’.

Don: Look, we have not been out of the house in six months.

Jeannie: We’ve had show many COVID scares?

Don: I don’t know. I get–

Jeannie: [yelling] Kenan0! Kenan0!

Don: I get fevers. I don’t even know why. Okay?

Jeannie: So, I’m sorry we’re a little on edge. It’s just where we’re at.

Don: Okay? This is just our noon normal. Okay?

Kyle: New normal?

Don: What?

Kenan: Don’t correct him. You ain’t got to correct him.

Don: No, no, no, no, no. What did you say? I said noon normal. What did you say?

Chloe: The phrase is ‘new normal’.

Jeannie: He said noon normal.

Chloe: I know, but it’s new normal. What is noon normal?

Don: You know, it’s like when the day’s going great and then at around noon time, it just– [yelling] [Don throws his wine glass at the wall]

Kyle: Good god!

Jeannie: We are all we have. You see? We only see each other every day.

Don: Things get repeated. Our brains get confused.

Jeannie: We don’t have a deck. We don’t have outdoor lights. Well, we don’t have baked wings. We’re not rich.

Don: We drink our money.

Jeannie: Our money goes to drinks. [Jeannie throws her wine glass on the wall too]

Kyle: Oh good Jesus!

[Jeannie kicks the wings away]

Jeannie: I’m sorry. I have kicked the wings. I’m sorry.

Don: Yeah. And I might have broken a glass. And I think she broke one too. So, we owe you two glasses. Alright? For all intent and porposes, I’m sorry.

Jeannie: I’m sorry we’re bad.

Kenan: Jeannie, Don, calm down. Come on. It’s okay. The world is really stressful right now. You don’t have to be sorry for anything.

Ego: My wings are everywhere, but the important thing is that we’re together.

Kyle: And we’re safe and healthy.

Ego: Yeah. And thank god, no one has COVID.

Jeannie: I think you mean COVIN.

Kenan: [whispering to Ego] Girl, we’re gonna run out of glasses if you say something.

Ego: That’s right. It is COVIN. I meant to say COVIN.

All: Here’s to the end of COVIN.

Gospel Play Promo

Kenan Thompson

Bill Burr

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

[Starts with short clips of the show]

Male voice: North Carolina come on down to the Raleigh Praise Center to catch the opening weekend of Kim Fitzgerald’s new play, ‘God, don’t let Whitey take the house’. The Cole’s are a good Christian family.

Kenan: Now, y’all kids know you ain’t got nothing that can touch your temptations.

[Kenan starts laughing]

Male voice: Watch as they take not one, not two but all the white devils for this epic three night event. Enjoy all your favorites like Chet Roth as evil white landlord “Merriwether Windbanks”.

Merriwether Windbanks: Now you give me that rented A or you and your family have to be homeless.

Kenan: [yelling] Why?

Male voice: The Coles are gonna beg but Whitey just don’t give a damn.

Kenan: [speaking on the phone] I collect all orders from Jesus.

Male voice: But no worries. God’s got their back and he’s willing. Returning to the stage, we have stunning Charlotte Amory as Mrs. Baker, the guidance counselor.

[Cut to Mrs. Baker and Ego at school.]

Mrs. Baker: You expect me to believe he got these scores with no help?

Ego: He did have help, from Jesus!

Male voice: Introducing Topher Beatty as a devious white mayor ‘Williams Kingsbury’.

[Cut to Williams Kingsbury and Derome at veranda]

Derome: You can’t just come in here and take the house that my daddy built.

Williams Kingsbury: Derome, is it? Son, I’m the mayor of this town and I’m rezoning this property for a haunted house. But there is a way for you to stop the construction.

Derome: What is it? Whatever it is, I know god will help make it happen.

Williams Kingsbury: I want you to sleep with my wife while I watch.

Derome: Now you know I can’t do that. I’m a Christian man.

Williams Kingsbury: Boys! Tear it down.

[Bulldozer sound]

Derome: [crying] Jesus!

Male voice: New comers Tanesha Jenkins and Rebecca Longfellow blaze the staze.

[Cut to Tanesha and Rebecca at an office.]

Rebecca: Why can’t I have the job, Ms. Waterberry? I need it to save my momma’s house.

Tanesha: It’s your butt. It’s too much.

Rebecca: [looking at her own butt] Damn!

Male voice: And you know you don’t want to miss Saturday’s matinee. For Kenan night only, SNL’s Pete Davidson joins the cast as 90’s R&B star John B.

[Cut to Pate Davidson singing to Ego]

Pete: [singing] Don’t listen to what people say

I know I’m white, but I go to black barber shop, I love church, and I got my own business doing yacht work. Will you marry me?

Ego: Yes! Thank you Jesus.

[Williams Kingsbury walks in]

Williams Kingsbury: Not so fast.

[gunshot sound]

Male voice: Don’t be the only person who doesn’t know how it all goes down. “God, don’t let whity take the house.]

The Drew Barrymore Show

Drew, Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Tom Green… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter… Kenan Thompson

[starts with a show intro]

Male voice: There’s a new face in Daytime.

Drew: Hello to all my beautiful wild flowers.

Male voice: After seeing what went down with Ellen, we took a hard turn in the other direction.

Drew: I am just like you. A Bo-ho free spirit mommy mother movie star since I was six.

Male voice: It’s the Drew Barrymore show.

Drew: How do you do?

Male voice: Tune in to see her have a blast by herself in a big empty studio.

Drew: Holy, moly, oly.

Male voice: Watch as she connects to her Zoom audience.

Drew: Thank you for being my VFF. Virtual Friends Forever.

Male voice: Drew gives back to worthy families in the best way she can.

[Drew is talking to Linda via Zoom in her show]

Drew: How are you holding up?

Linda: You know, it’s been tough. My husband and I are working from home. And we have almost $50,000 in hospital bills.

Drew: I feel that, Linda. And that’s why we’re paying… to renovate your walk in closet! Yay!

Linda: My what?

Male voice: And don’t worry about her being mean to the crew. [Drew runs towards her cameraman to hug him, but he is trying to avoid her.] They say he maintains eye contact too long and is too emotionally supportive.

Drew: I’m a hugger.

Cameraman: No!

Drew: Okay.

Male voice: Be the third wheel in a celebrity catch up.

[Drew is on her show with Reese Witherspoon]

Drew: My best friend Reese Witherspoon, the best woman on earth.

Reese Witherspoon: Girl, you are literally a mom here.

Drew: I marvel at you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you more than Oprah.

Drew: I love you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you so much, I want to come into your room and murder you with a butter spoon.

Male voice: Get Drew’s take on the news.

Drew: Hot off the press, brushing your teeth is a game changer.

Male voice: And stay tuned for a harrowing catch up between Drew and her ex-husband Tom Green.

[Drew is on her show with Tom Green]

Drew: It’s been what? 15 years?

Tom Green: Yeah. Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Male voice: You want guests? Drew texts everyone in her phone and interviews whoever shows up.  Like, Nicole Kidman.

[Drew is on her show with Nicole Kidman]

Drew: Thank you for for allowing me to be on your show.

Nicole Kidman: Drew, this is your show.

Drew: Oh my god. Thank you.

Male voice: At least someone’s enjoying 2020.

Drew: And now sensual homosexual Billy Porter singing to a flower.

[Cut to Billy Porter singing to a flower. He is wearing high heels.]

Billy Porter: [singing] Edelweiss
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Is this happening? Or am I kind of high?

Male voice: The Drew Barrymore show. You’re in your bed anyway. Just watch it!

Superspreader Event

Ashley… Heidi Gardner

Dylan Bertran… Mikey Day

Edith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

Irma Gerd… Lauren Holt

Kevin Joseph… Chris Rock

Doctor… Pete Davidson

Mike Rodick… Beck Bennett

Jeffery B. Epstein… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Action 9 News at Five intro]

Male voice: Action 9 News at Five, Eye on Pittsburgh.

[Cut to Ashley in her set]

Ashley: Our top story, a potential super spreading event has occurred at the Pittsburgh federal building. With more on this, we go to Dylan Bertran at the scene. Dylan, it seems like the story is going really viral (intending pun) ?

Dylan: Um, that’s in very poor taste, Ashley, and I apologize on your behalf. Here’s what we know so far. Health officials are attempting to contact anyone who visited the third floor of the federal building today, home to the legal change of name office after an employee tested positive for COVID-19. I’m joined by two women who were on their way up to the third floor to change their names when it was evacuated. [Two women walk in] Tell us your names and what happened.

Edith Puthie: Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m sorry.

Edith Puthie: I said Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m flattered ma’am, but no thank you.

Edith Puthie: No. Edith Puthie is my name.

Irma Gerd: Irma Gerd.

Dylan: Oh my god, is right.

Irma Gerd: No, Irma Gerd is my name.

Dylan: Oh, I see. I got it now. Miss Puthie, just curious, what were you planning on changing your name to?

Edith Puthie: Hmm, well I was thinking of any name that’s not Edith Puthie.

Ashley: Dylan, I hate to pull you away from miss Puthie just as you’re getting into it, but I’m told that health department has a statement.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph speaking at a podium. A doctor is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: Good afternoon. I’m Dr. Kevin Joseph, Pittsburg’s contract tracing program. We are still trying to locate the following people who were in the name change office today. Burton Ernie, Alma Holzhert, Ben Lauden, Dee Perdadi.

Doctor: Oh, whatever you say, girl! Sorry, I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: We’re also looking for Duncan Dixon-Coffey, Finn Gerbangh, Moe Lestin Jr. Now, I’d like to address the rumor about Tess Tichol, a young woman who visited the name change office today that she lost her sense of taste and smell are false. In fact, the Tess Tichol I examiled smelled and tasted great.

Doctor: It did? Good for you, man. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. We will keep our eyes peeled in case Tess Tichol pops out. No word yet on when the office will reopen leaving many who wanted to change their name frustrated like this man, Mr. Mike Rodick.

Mike Rodick: Ah! It’s Rodick. You stress the ‘Ro’. Rodick. Sorry to be annoying, but it makes a huge difference.

Dylan: Not a problem. Not a problem. Mike Rodick was one of a dozen–

Mike Rodick: Yeah, sorry, yeah. But the longer you pause between Mike and Rodick, the better it is for me. Nothing crazy. Just like, “Mike”, a little pause, “Rodick.”

Dylan: Okay. Maybe it’s easier if I just call you by what your name will be?

Mike Rodick: Sure. I’m going with my mom’s maiden name, Litt. L-I-T-T.

Dylan: Okay. I’m here with Mike Litt.

Mike Rodick: Oh, no. That’s bad too. That’s not my name.

Ashley: Sorry, Dylan, the department of health has an update. Hopefully, you can find Mike Litt later and finish what you started there. But now, let’s go to Dr. Joseph.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph. Jeffery B. Epstein is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: I’d like to thank this man who was turned away from the name change office but stuck around to help us contact trace. Mr. Jeffery Epstein.

Jeffery B. Epstein: Mr. Jeffery B. Epstein.

Kevin Joseph: In my book, Jeffery Epstein is a hero.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You forgot that ‘B’ again. The very important ‘B’.

Kevin Joseph: I’m proud to call Jeffery Epstein a friend.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You gonna wish you didn’t say that.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. Well, I think we can all applaud what Jeffery Epstein did. Ashley?

Ashley: Dylan, we’ve got a little more time. Any chance of getting back to Mike Litt?

Dylan: You know, he was right under my nose, but I lost him.

Ashley: Well, you stay down there and keep poking around.

Dylan: I will, but no promises. It’s a real mess down here.

Ashley: Oh, I bet. More on this story as it develops. For Action 9 News, I’m Ashley Spitzer-Swallows.

Future Ghost

Zac… Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

Mom… Heidy Gardner

Ghost… Chris Rock

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a young boy playing video game in the year Mom000]

Zac: Tony Hawk, you’ve done it again. A “Pro Skater Mom” far surpasses the original.

Mom: Zac, dinner’s almost ready. That’s your Zac0 minute warning.

Zac: I heard you in the first time, Rachel.

Mom: Please call me mom.

Zac: Hey, whatever. No wonder dad left to become a priest. Now if I could just grind this lunch table like P-I-M-P.

[The lights dim. Smoke appears behind Zac. Ghost walks out of the smoke. He has white hair, and all his clothes are white. He has a sword in his hand.]

Ghost: Hello, Zac.

Zac: Hey, what’s up? Wow, are you a ghost?

Ghost: Yeah, I’m like a ghost. Specifically a ghost from the future. And I have something important to show you.

Zac: Okay, just one sec. I’ll be right with you.

Ghost: Seriously. Can you pause it?

Zac: Go ahead, dude! I’m listening. I almost landed that combo.

Ghost: I was gonna show you what your future was like, but if you wanna just play your little skateboard game, that’s fine.

Zac: Wait, see my future? Yeah, I’ll pause my game for that freaking crap. Ay, hopefully I’ll live at the Playboy mansion.

Ghost: You don’t.

Zac: Okay. Well, then hopefully I’ll married to Eliza Dushku and the mom from Spy Kids.

Ghost: Well, you might want to lower those expectations. Here, take a look.

[Screen blurs. It’s a same room, but there’s another older guy playing video game now.]

Zac: Hey, is that me?

Ghost: This is you in 2020, okay? A global pandemic sends your life into a tale spin. You lose your job and you have to move back in with your mom. And this is all you ever do.

Zac: Oh, my god!

Ghost: Yeah, I know, right?

Zac: I can’t believe it. Those graphics are freaking insane! Holy freak! They look like real. Freak!

Ghost: Wait, wait, na, na, na. Forget about the graphics.

Zac: Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ll just forget about the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Seriously, are you blind? Did you look at in the clips while playing with yourself? It looks like real. And what the freak kind of console is that? A Playstation Mom?

Ghost: PSMom? No. That’s an old PS4.

Zac: 4? Oh, god! I think I just nutted for the first time in my life.

Ghost: You didn’t.

Zac: Oh, okay. And is that a wireless controller? Oh, hey, can I have Mom0Mom0 now, please? Haha.

Ghost: Can you please just stop fixating on the game and take this seriously?

Zac: Yeah, yeah. I’ll take it seriously. Right after I do this.

[dancing and singing] Those graphics,
I just saw the most awesome graphics,
and suddenly this game will never be the same

Ghost: Would you shut up, you goofy ass?

[Ghost slaps Zac very hard]

Zac: Hey, man!

Ghost: You don’t understand. In Mom0 years, the world as you know it is going to change forever. Look!

[Mom walks down with a mask on]

Zac: Hey. That’s my mom. Oh wow, and she’s a dentist now. It’s bad.

Mom: Zac, everything okay?

Zac from future: Nah! This wifi sucks ass. Why don’t you start Onlyfans so we can afford a second router?

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Hey, hey! That is no way to talk to your mother. This is my wife, dammit!

Zac: Hold up. My mom married Kenan Thompson? What?

[My Mom Married Kenan Thompson intro playing]

Male voice: My Mom Married Kenan Thompson, coming to Peacock this fall.

Digital Exclusive- Your House Promo

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of people enjoying at sea beach.]

Male voice: Looking to get away? [heavy metal music playing] Then look no further than the only place you’re allowed to go right now. Your house.

[Cut to inside of a house.]

You’ll know you’re in the right place when you see the disorganized pile of shoes by the door. And once you cross the yoga mat that’s slowly becoming a rug, you’re in.

[Cut to Alex in his kitchen]

First stop? The kitchen. Where you can feast on a fridge full of expired condiments.

[Alex holds a Heinz Tomato Ketchup that has Olympics 2014 logo.] Sochi Olympics?

And do you smell what the stove is cooking? Nothing. Because all that one burner does is leak gas and click. Call the fire department!

[Cut to the living room]

When you’re grubbed up, it’s time to relax in your house’s living room. [Cut to Mikey Day watching TV.] Watch and scream to your to your heart’s content but don’t look behind the TV or you’ll find absolute orgy of cables, wires and zip ties that will give you anxiety.

Nothing good on? [Mikey shuts the TV off and pulls his laptop] Then hop online and surf the web with your home’s blazing slow WiFi which covers almost every part of the room.

[Cut to the bathroom] And don’t worry if nature calls. Your home has you covered with your choice of bathrooms. The nice one. And the other one. [cut to Kyle Mooney in a bad bathroom.] Mil-Dew it, baby.

Your house knows that in these uncertain times, nothing is more important than your health. [Cut to Chloe Fineman looking at the medicines.] That’s why your medicine cabinet is absolutely stacked with two band-aids, tums, a bottle of Amoxycylino…? From 2011, a loose AAA battery and ass load of Tylenol PM. But no regular Tylenol.

Plus, ponder your house’s many mysteries like the famous drawyer of [bleep]. Featuring another loose AAA battery. And of course, the slightly raised nail that absolutely annihilates your socks. [As Aidy Bryant is walking past the door, the nail tears her socks.] Shredded!

Plus, your house features appearances by your kids. [Cut to Kenan Thompson getting frustrated by kids.] And guess what, hoss? They don’t respect you at all.

Georgia: [jumping on the bed] Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What? What is it, Georgia?

Georgia: You’re old. [showing thumbs-down.]

Male voice: All this, plus plates, plates, plates. Every room has a dirty plate in it. Living room plate. Bathroom plate. Bedroom plate. Floor plate. Plate on the nightstand. And what’s that? Another loose AAA battery. They’re everywhere! So, what are you waiting for? Check out your house today. You don’t have a choice.

Digital Exclusive- Lockdown Song

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with rappers rapping from in their homes.]

[music playing]

Chris: Wild Trio Gang. You know we back in this thang, turn the club up every night.

Ego: But we quarantined, and the club closed now.

Chris: Cause of corona’s ol’ goofy ass. So, I guess we just gonna have to turn up here at the crib then. The whole city locked down, you feel me? Ay!

I’m lit, sippin’ what’s left in my fridge
is it good? I don’t know
clean my kitchen and mess it back up
get dressed and sit in my room
remember high fives, handshakes? all that gone
I salute or nod, don’t touch me!
All I do is nap to gain weight
time to look you can’t push up away
living room pilates mask and gloves when I’m shoppin’
keep it 6 feet in line, don’t cough, I don’t want your droplets
house party while I flex my chain
Instagram live, look, it’s my chain
hey, sneezing in public just won’t be the same
sneezing in public just won’t be the same

Chorus: Lil’ Rona got the city on lockdown
maybe we can, nope, city on lockdown
can’t go out, city on lockdown
on your Zoom, city on lockdown
essentials only, city on lockdown
put the mask on when you go out
get what you need, then take your ass home
Lil’ Rona got the city on lockdown

Ego Nwodim: Club my crib, Lil’ Rona outside
that’s a bitch I don’t like (who’s that?)
She said my name at the door (who?)
I said, “I don’t know that ho”
I gotta keep her off me
anyway, I got a table coffee
pop a bottle of champagne, vodka
tequila keep me saucy
olive oil, V8, prune juice
I sit on my couch and I wile
the hell out in my socks, I call ’em new shoes
all socks, so free, black socks, white socks,
red socks, baseball oop,
I love my vibe, I’m the DJ too
After party, I’m tore up
yeah, don’t got to go far
coz my bed right there, yeah, yeah

Chorus: Lil’ Rona got the city on lockdown
maybe we can, nope, city on lockdown
is this for real? City on lockdown
I’m losing my mind, city on lockdown
Kenan: it’s Big Cash, y’all know me
huh? Gotta keep it down, baby asleep
I got babies and they asleep
those my babies, like the baby
I go baby on baby on baby on baby
that’s two babies, my lady and me
shh, oh, look at that baby asleep
yeah, she’s so cute, yeah

Chorus: Lil’ Rona got the city on lockdown
shh, lost my clothes, city on lockdown
lost my phone, city on lockdown
time don’t exist, city on lockdown
we love New York city, city, city
city on lockdown, hey

Kenan: Shh, the baby asleep