Tag: Kenan Thompson

Zoom Church

Pastor… Pastor Thompson

Sister Johnson… Sister Johnson Nwodim

Melissa Thayer… Melissa Thayer Strong

Latrell J. … Latrell J. Redd

[Starts with Mount Methuselah Tower of Prayer Baptist Church video bumper.]

[Cut to Pastor in his home.]

Pastor: Alright, praise the lord and welcome back to the Mount Methuselah Tower of Prayer Baptist Church Mother’s Day service. I see a large congregation logged into the Zoom machine. Much more than last service. Amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Okay. I just want to send a friendly reminder to everybody to mute yourselves during the service, alright? Because the way that the Zoom machine  works is that every mic is as loud as mine. So, when y’all respond, I can’t really hear myself preach, amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: I can hear y’all agreeing which mean that you’re not taking the note because it’s still very, very loud. Alright? So, how about nobody say amen after I say amen, amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Yes, I can see this might be a longer than usual four hours service. When the bible speaks about motherhood–

[The kids are making noise]

Sister Johnson: Sit your little asses down and be quiet. We in church.

Pastor: I see sister Johnson’s mic is definitely still on. Sister Johnson? Sister Johnson, we can all hear you through the machine.

Sister Johnson: [to the kids] Y’all see that? The pastor can hear y’all. You’re ruining church.

Pastor: No. I hear you, sister Johnson. Everybody else is on mute. Amen.

All: Amen.

Pastor: Why are y’all still not in mute? And who’s got the TV on?

Melissa Thayer: Oh, that’s just my James. He’s watching dang sports center. Is it too loud?

Pastor: Yes.

Melissa Thayer: Hold on. James, can you turn it down? Is that better? Can you hear it?

Pastor: Nothing has changed. Look, just everybody, mute yourselves. Amen?

All: Amen.

Pastor: Why ain’t you doing it?

Latrell J.: Pastor’s having a hard time hearing y’all. So, we’re going to go straight to Amazing Grace.

Pastor: Latrell, boy I can hear you whisper it. Why aren’t you on mute?

Latrell J.: Coz I still have to direct a choir, pastor.

Pastor: Well, then just text  them. Alright, I’m hearing myself echo which means some of y’all got your machines way up too loud. And it’s bleeding into my end. Amen?

All: Praise god. Amen.

Pastor: Stop answering me. Okay? The lord wants everybody to click on that little microphone with the red line through it and when it says ‘Mute?’, press yes, amen?

All: Amen. Praise the lord.

[They all mute themselves.]

Pastor: Yes.  You did it. Oh, thank you. Now, can I get through this service in peace, amen? Sister Johnson? Nobody? Alright. Well, choir, I guess we should just go to Amazing Grace. Can anybody hear? [Latrell J. is doing managing the choir] I can’t hear a damn thing. Man, this sucks.

Zoom Catch-Up

Dave… Beck Bennett

Connie… Aidy Bryant

Laura… Melissa Villaseñor

Ripleyk… Kenan Thompson

Deidre… Heidi Gardner

Ripley… Martin Short

Dave: Well, guys, it’s been four hours. We got anything else to talk about?

Connie: Yeah. I’m sorry but who makes their friends wait four hours for Zoom?

Mark: Well, I can think of two people. Deidre and Ripley.

[Deidre and Ripley join them. They’re speaking in Italian accent.]

Deirdre: Hi, my little kitkats.

Ripley: Hi, dollies. Hi dolly babies. I miss you.

Deirdre: Oh, how are you? What’s new, my precious kitkats?

Dave: Hi Deidre and Ripley. Um, we’ve actually been waiting for you guys for four hours.

Ripley: Oh, please forgive us. We just got back from Milano.

Deirdre: Yeah. Losianto. We’re still on Italian time.

Laura: Oh, my god! You guys were stuck in Italy?

Deirdre: Stuck? No. Use your brain. We traveled there.

Ripley: For la quarantina.

Connie: Sorry. So, you guys voluntarily traveled to the epicenter of the pandemic quarantine?

Deirdre and Ripley: Si. To quarantina.

Deirdre: Oh, the food, the people, the wine.

Ripley: We saw none of it. The streets were mutto emptissimo.

Deirdre: There’s nothing like la quarantina in la springa.

Mark: You will not call it quarantina. Not while my ears can hear.

Dave: Yeah. It’s not exactly carnivale.

Ripley: No, no, no, dumb dummies. Carnivale is in Brazil.

Deirdre: So, quarantina is the celebration of all things pandemico global.

Connie: Okay. Well, our quarantine hasn’t really been a vacation.

[Now Deirdre and Ripley are speaking in Atlanta American accent.]

Deirdre: Oh, in Atlanta?

Ripley: You’re all in quarantine down in Atlanta?

Deirdre: How y’all holding up in Sweet Georgia quarantine?

Mark: Stop that.

Laura: Anyway. Great news, you guys. My grandma has completely recovered. She’s back home now.

All: Oh, that’s great.

Deirdre: What does that have to do with anything, girl?

Ripley: Why would we care about that? That’s useless.

Deirdre: Ripley, tell them about our Italiano adventure.

[starts speaking in Italian accent again]

Ripley: I definitely will. So, one night, we just wanted to roam the streets, smell the mozarella air. And lo and behold, I see an authentic Italiano.

Deirdre: So, I ran full speed at him. I mean, I had to hug a local.

Ripley: And I grabbed him really aggressively and he was very old, a horrible cough. I gave him the double kiss to show my amor.

Deirdre: And you know, he went like this. [showing palm] And this in quarantina means the same as this in quarantine.

Connie: Are you guys okay? Like, in the mentals? Like, are you talking to anyone?

Ripley: And this really old wrinkled dude gets really upset with me. And he starts spanking us towards the boat. “Pronto, pronto, get to the boat.”

Deirdre: Oh. And we figure it’s quarantino, why not? So, we grabbed a couple of boxes and we get on the cruise.

Ripley: Oh, it was so gorgeous. There’s barely room to move. Wooden crates everywhere you look.

Deirdre: Oh. Stamped with the word ‘ventilators,’ ‘surgical maskos.’

Ripley: And the captain kind of a peach. Breath wasn’t perfect but, you know, it is Italy. And he comes over and he says– Oh, I wish I could speak Italian. How does he say it?

Deirdre: Just say it in English.

Ripley: Alright. He was a Somali smuggler of medical gear.

Dave: Okay. I’m sorry. Just to be clear, you guys were helping ship PPE out of Italy?

Mark: Yeah. Sounds exactly right for you guys. Okay, bye. [logs out.]

Dave: Yeah, bye guys.

[Everybody signs out.]

Deirdre: Ciao.

Ripley: Ciao.

What’s Wrong with This Picture- Mother’s Day Edition

Eliott Pants… Kenan Thompson

Rebecca… Aidy Bryant

Grace… Ego Nwodim

Emily… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with “What’s wrong with this picture” intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play “What’s wrong with this picture?”

[Cut to Eliott Pants at his home]

Eliott Pants: Hey, everybody. I’m your host Eliott Pants and welcome to a very special episode of “What’s wrong with this picture?” That’s right. It’s the Mother’s Day show.

[Three women appear on the screen from the homes.]

All of our contestants today are moms because being a mom is the most important hobby in the world. As always, the rules are simple. All you got to do is look at the picture and tell me what’s wrong with it. The winner gets a lifetime supply of Junx. “Junx. Shapewear for your lowboys.” Wow. Are we ready to play? Rebecca?

Rebecca: Yeah. I left my kind in the other room. So, we’re gonna make it quick. He’s 12 but he’s bad kind of 12.

Eliott Pants: Grace?

Grace: Ready as I’ll ever be, you fool.

Eliott Pants: I’m sorry. Do we know each other? And our last mother is Emily.

Emily: I’m actually not a mother. I’m a grandmother.

Eliott Pants: Well, now, how does that work? These women are making me a little bit nervous. So, let’s take a look at our first puzzle. [There’s a picture of a woman, two kids and a carton of eggs.] Who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture? Something is off in this picture. What could it be?

Grace: I think I know.

Eliott Pants: Oh, go ahead, Grace.

Grace: First of all, she’s too old for bangs. And eggs are spelled wrong.

Eliott Pants: Really?

Grace: Plus the husband’s too short. They should stack to one big guy.

Eliott Pants: What? No!

Emily: Oh, the shirt comes with boobies. Tell me where they sell those.

Eliott Pants: Come on. Something in the picture is not right.

Rebecca: Yeah. Everyone in the photo is white. That just doesn’t fly these days. One of them needs to be weird.

Eliott Pants: Weird? Okay. Also, it’s not a photo. You know that, right?

Rebecca: Do I?

Eliott Pants: I’ll give you a hint. It has something to do with eggs.

Emily: Oh. Eggs are spelled wrong.

Eliott Pants: We covered that.

Grace: Oh, she laid em. She was surprised but now she’s proud.

Eliott Pants: Oh my god! There are 14 eggs in the carton. Okay? There’s only supposed to be 12 in a dozen.

Emily: Oh. Like my jury.

Eliott Pants: Well, that’s tracks. Alright, here’s your next picture. [There’s a picture of a woman looking at a mirror.] Rebecca.

Rebecca: The glory hole is too high. Now, she knows it’s the neighbor.

Eliott Pants: Where did we get these moms?

Grace: Oh, she’s never seen herself, you know what I mean? Seeing herself. She’s about to take the mirror off the wall and stand over it. Then she’ll know what’s what.

Eliott Pants: You are upsetting me.

Emily: She tied the news too big and now she’s got to start over.

Eliott Pants: The reflection is wearing a necklace. Can you just think? Alright, let’s see the next. [There’s a picture of a man and a woman sitting on tanning chairs by the side of a swimming pool.] Think, then speak. That order.

Grace: Oh, the man just proposed but he used the Apu voice, you know, from the Simpsons.

Eliott Pants: Okay, you are done. You hear me?

Emily: That beach will be gone in five years because of global warming and it’s my fault. I don’t recycle my cans. I just throw them in the street.

Eliott Pants: That is a swimming pool.

Rebecca: I don’t want to be personal, but he’s got one of the smallest ones I’ve ever seen. I mean that thing’s just a little dot.

Eliott Pants: That’s the belly button.

Rebecca: Don’t get offensive.

Grace: Well, I know that it’s not that the pool is frozen.

Eliott Pants: No. [right answer bell] Wait a second. That’s right. You actually got it right.

Grace: And they’re not social distancing coz they know their rights.

Eliott Pants: And they let you all have kids. I am logging off now and I am Lizoling this computer. This has been “What’s wrong with this picture.” I am Eliott Pants. Good bye.

Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.

Hair Vlog

PJ Charnt… Kristen Wiig

Nell… Aidy Bryant

Patty… Cecily Strong

Christy… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with PJ Charnt taking a video of herself showing her hair.]

PJ Charnt: Hey, it’s me, PJ Charnt. This is my hair vlog where I answe questions and give hair advice, and just inspire you with the beautiful hair I have. Look at it. [phone ringing] Oh, we have our first video caller, all the way from Tucson. And her name is Nell. ‘Sup, Nell.

Nell: I’m sorry. I’m just so excited to meet you. I watch your vlog all the time on the toilet.

PJ Charnt: Aww.

Nell: I don’t know if you can tell, my hair is very flat and it’s kind of very greasy andI just don’t know that I’m doing wrong.

PJ Charnt: Well, why don’t you tell me your daily regimen?

Nell: I wash my hair every day. I use very little conditioner.

PJ Charnt: Well that’s good.

Nell: And I blow dry my hair with a round brush.

PJ Charnt: Good.

Nell: And then I style it with margarine.

PJ Charnt: Wait, what size round brush are you using?

Nell: I knew it. My round brush needs a bigger circumference.

PJ Charnt: Yes, you got it. Anyway, try it out and check in with me next week, okay?

Nell: I will. I wish I could have hair like your’s.

PJ Charnt: You won’t. Bye, Nell. Oh my gosh. I’m getting a text from my hilarious best friend, Patty. She sends the funniest hair gifts. You guys, let’s all watch it together. Warning, if you’ve just had stomach surgery in the last week and you still have stitches, you may not be able to watch how funny this is.

[Cut to a meme]

Patty: Did you think it was funny?

PJ Charnt: Patty!

Patty: Okay, show me exactly what you did when you got it.

PJ Charnt: I went like this. [giggling and showing off her hair.]

Patty: I got to go. Bye.

PJ Charnt: Oh, okay. [phone ringing] We’ve got another video call coming in, this one is from Tucson. It says here their name is Christy, although I’m told it’s a man.

Christy: Hi, I’m Christy. So, PJ, I’m a house painter. And i have the biggest Zoom interview of my life this afternoon. It’s to paint the exterior of Caesar’s palace. And I want to look my best, bu tI can’t get my normal blow-out.

PJ Charnt: You’re in a pickle.

Christy: I’m in a jar of pickles. Help me, PJ Charnt.

PJ Charnt: Christy, do you have a car with a sunroof, a can of quick hold hair spray, a large-toothed comb and long legs?

Christy: PJ, you’re genius. I know exactly what to do. I’ll see you later. [showing his blow dtyer and car keys.]

PJ Charnt: Bye. [message notification] Oh! Patty sent me another text. Guys, it’s going to be another hair-larious hair gif. Again, if you’ve had surgery in the last week and you have stitches, I don’t think you should watch this.

[Cut to a meme.]

Patty: What do you think? He’s blow drying her hair, but her hair is spaghetti. [giggling]

[PJ Charnt isn’t laughing. She looks angry.]

PJ Charnt: I know what it is and I don’t think it’s funny. Pasta as hair isn’t funny. Only hair should always only be hair.

Patty: I’m sorry.

Just think that, Patty, I don’t want to talk to you for like, a really long time.

Patty: But–

PJ Charnt: Anyway, that’s our show. Tune in next week where guess what we’re gonna talk about? And if you want to have hair like mine, you never will. But I’m sure you have other stuff going on.

Dad Prank Video

Ted… Mikey Day

Boss… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a kid making a YouTube video.]

Brandon: What’s up, YouTube. It’s your boy, Brandon. So, I have a corny ass dad.

[He shoots his dad with an airgun.]

Ted: Ouch! Brandon?

Brandon: So, I’ve been pranking him during quarantine, and here are my favorite ones.

[Brandon is putting draw pins on the toilet seat.]

Oh, this is gonna hurt so bad. Put thumb tacks oh his toilet seat.

[Cut to Ted getting in the toilet. He takes the seat. He jumps off and drops his phone.]

Ted: Ah! My phone. Of course, it cracked. Of course, it cracked. [He kneels down to get the pins out of his butt.] Okay. [grunting] More. More. Why so many? Why so many? I’m bleeding. I’m bleeding. And there’s like, four in the toilet. Wonderful.

Brandon: Changed dad’s every contact’s name in his phone to Gigi Hadid.

Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. Gigi Hadid. [phone ringing] Dad, it’s Gigi Hadid.

Ted:  [yelling] You’re laughing and it’s my work. I don’t know who to call because I don’t know their numbers. They all say Gigi Hadid.

Brandon: Why do you hate Gigi Hadid?

Ted: Brandon, I don’t hate Gigi Hadid. I wish her the best.

Brandon: Why do you hate women?

Ted: I don’t hate women.

[Brandon is laughing]

Brandon: Bruh. these jump scares tho.

[He puts a scary doll in the cupboard. When his dad opens the cupboard, he gets scared and bumps his head.]

[Cut to Ted coming to wake Brandon up.]

Ted: Brandon, wake up. Remote school time. Just because– [When dad takes the blanket off, his son is wearing a scary mask, so he gets scared and jumps away. He falls hard.]

[Brandon is laughing]

Brandon: Changed his Zoom background before a meeting with his boss.

[Cut to Ted and his boss on Zoom. Ted’s background is a girl in her bikini at the beach.]

Boss: Um, Ted. You mind telling me why your zoom background is a picture of my teenage daughter in a bathing suit?

Ted: I have no idea, Pat.

Boss: Shut up.

Ted: Brandon! I don’t want that there. [pointing at the background]

Boss: Get your finger off of her. Don’t you touch her. You don’t touch her.

Brandon: Thanks for watching. Peace.

What Up With That- At Home

Charles Barkley

DJ Khalid

DeAndre Cole… Kenan Thompson

Backup singers… Ego Nwodim, Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with “What’s Up With That?” intro]

[music playing]

Backup singers: [singing] Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

Male voice: It’s “What’s Up With That?” at home. Taking on the issues of today with soul tonight, hall of famer, Charles Barkley, the great DJ Khalid, and Lindsey Buckingham. Here’s your host, DeAndre Cole.

DeAndre Cole: Woke up this morning then I got out of bed
had a bigger cup of coffee to clear my head
been home for a while and that’s where I’m at
but we can still jam on “What’s up with that?”

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up with that? yuu, oh, yeah

Wow! Yeah! Thank you all for joining us on “What’s Up With That?” where we’re going to learn how to stay safe at home. Now, our guests are very busy. So, I brought along this timer [a timer pops on the screen] to make sure that we don’t keep him too long. Ha-ha-ha. We’re going to talk about social distance.

[drum hi-hat starts playing. DeAndre Cole starts looking around.]

Gonna talk persistence
[Bass starts playing]
[singing] COVID resistance
It’s gonna be fantastic, boombastic
galactic, elastic
emphatic, spastic
fancy fantastic

[Charles Berkley and DJ Khalid are clueless]

Everybody sing

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that? yeah

Whoo! Alright. We are so lucky to have Mr. Charles Barkley who is in new documentary on Michael Jordan.

Charles Barkley: I’m not gonna lie. This is weird.

DeAndre Cole: It is. Now, Charles, everybody is talking about this new Michael Jordan documentary and you played against Michael in the 1993 finals and you were on the dream team. What was that like?

Charles Barkley: It was special. And a documentary is excellent.

DeAndre Cole: Um-hmm.

Charles Barkley: But it doesn’t show everything. Let me tell you about something that’s not in there.

[drum hi-hat starts playing. DeAndre Cole starts looking around.]

[Charles and DeAndre Cole are looking around]

DeAndre Cole: Go ahead.

[Bass starts playing]

Charles Barkley: Okay. Like I was saying, I played with Michael and all his guys. There are incredible stories people still don’t know.

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Incredible stories

Charles Barkley: Right. And you might actually hear them if you would let me talk please.

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Letting you talk now

Charles Barkley: No, you’re not. Which is a shame. I’m trying to tell you about the one time me and Michael Jordan–

DeAndre Cole: [singing] Jordan was the greatest
and I got to say

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

[Charles Barkley and DJ Khalid are annoyed]
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: Ladies and gentlemen, joining us remotely, the sexy siren of social distancing, Quarantina.

[Quarantina is singing in home drinking wine]

Quarantina: [singing] Merlot for one
tonight I toast only these
merlot for one
it’s a soul of merlot to believe

so go to your parties
and have all your fun
go to your spring breaks
and dance in the sun

I’ll be right here
and that only begun
with my merlot for one

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

[Charles Barkley and DJ Khalid are annoyed]

Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, a special appearance by Howie Hot Wheels and the lego Kid.

[Howie and lego kid are dancing]

Go Howie, go Howie, go lego, go lego

[DJ Khalid starts dancing]
get speedy, get speedy, get crazy, it’s your birthday

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?
Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

DeAndre Cole: What’s up… I say what’s up… somebody tell me what is up with that
now will somebody please come to my house and teach my damn kids?

Yes!

Whoo! Alright. Well, folks my kids got to use the laptop that we rented from the local library for the online schooling. Ha-ha. But I want to thank Charles Barkley for being here.

Charles Barkley: That’s it? Whatever!

DeAndre Cole: And thank you to the one and only DJ Khalid.

DJ Khalid: Well, I guess that was another one.

DeAndre Cole: And Lindsey Buckingham. Oh, man, I know we haven’t let you talk on any episode for the past 10 years. Lindsey? Lindsey? [Lindsey Buckingham’s connection is lost.] Oh! Well, that’s too bad. Well, thank you for trying anyway, Lindsey. How about I wave to you from my car on your birthday? Yeah. Just look out for 25 Buick Lesabre. Alright, until next time.

[drums roll]

[singing] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

DeAndre Cole and backup singers: Ooh, wii, what’s up with that? what’s up with that?

OJ Address

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a screen capture of someone using Twitter. There he sees OJ Simpson’s video and plays it.]

[Cut to OJ Simpson’s video. He is holding a golf stick in his hand. He is outside the door of a house.]

OJ Simpson: Hey, Twitter. It’s me, America’s dad, OJ Simpson. I just want to send a big shoutout to my man Lauren Michaels and the whole gang over at SNL for doing another SNL at home. I know y’all thought y’all only gonna do one, and then you realized you had to do another one. Trust me, I can relate. But I’m glad that y’all are doing it because everybody could use a good laugh these days. People are just too uptight and paranoid. You know, just the other day, I took my mask off in a grocery store for two seconds. And you would have thought that I had killed somebody. Some lady screamed at me. “Nobody wants you here. You shouldn’t be out.” Which I understand the point. I mean, at my age I am at risk for the virus. But she had to throw a damn coffee at my face. Boy, people make me so mad sometimes. I just– [breathes out and throws his golf stick away]

Anyway, so, now I’m following all the rules. You ain’t got to worry about the juice. I got my gloves, [showing golf gloves] that’s right. And I got my mask. [showing hockey mask] So, there’s no reason to hate me. Okay?

[horn honking]

Stranger: You’re a monster, OJ.

OJ Simpson: Hey, you know it, my friend. He must have saw my drive over on 14. As I was saying, don’t worry about the juice, alright? I’m gonna be fine. I mean, even if I did get corona, you know I’ll beat it. I can beat anything. Well, I might not want to go that far. I mean, just my luck. I get the corona and beat it, and then I get taken out later on down the line by a lesser more harmless disease that was mine in the first place and I was just taking it back! Boy, just thinking about getting stick makes me so mad I could just–

But anyway, remember to follow me on tiktok. Yeah, there’s fun little alibies of me goofing around.  Ha-ha-ha. Alright, the juice is loose. And hey, Lauren, ease up on my boy Trump, man. He’s a good guy. Am I right?

How Low Will You Go?

Alex Burpee… Beck Bennett

Tara… Ego Nwodim

Hayley… Heidi Gardner

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Tip… Mikey Day

Dern… Pete Davidson

Townsen… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “How Low Will You Go?” intro]

Male voice: And now, for another episode of “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Alex Burpeein his home. He is wearing a suit.]

Beck: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?” The only dating show for sexy singles just getting out of that quarantine. I’m your host, Alex Burpee. That’s right. My dad invented laying down and getting up really quick. Now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Tara in her home]

Tara: My name is Tara and halfway through quarantine, you know I broke my vibrator.

[Cut to Heyley]

Heyley: What’s up? I’m Hayley and during quarantine, I broke two vibrators and and electric toothbrush.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Hey there, it’s Ashley and during quarantine, I straight up murdered all my vibrators. Pretty sure the last one was a suicide though, coz she left a note that said, [showing the note] “You did this.”

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh! Ha-ha. Quarantining isn’t easy for anyone. I had to spend all day with my kids. But get this. I’m the dad. Doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to split screen with Beck, Tara, Heyley and Ashley.]

Well, after months of social distancing it’s time for our contestants to test how desperate they are to touch another human. Let’s meet our first warm body, Tip.

Tip: Hello, ladies. I’m Tip.and quarantine wasn’t that bad for me because I was already unemployed and I’m kind of an indoor cat. No friends.

Beck: Sorry, ladies. He’s clearly a nerd.

Tara: I’ll do it.

Beck: Really?

Tara: Look, the last warm thing I touched was sourdough. So, Tip, where would you take me on our first date?

Tip: Well, I’ll take you back to my car and cook you cereal for dinner.

Tara: No, no, no. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. We gonna smash. Just tell me where you live.

Tim: Um, the end of Brooklyn.

Tara: If I sprint, I can be there in 45.

Tim: Sweet.

Beck: Okay. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s meet our next non-option, Dern.

Dern: Hey, what’s good? I’m Dern. In lockdown, I wanted to be super productive and I was. I saw every episode of Family Guy. [impersonating Family Guy] Oh, Dernr! Gigidy, gigidy,gigidy. Rock lobster!

Beck: Yeesh. Well, I think it’s safe to say none of our ladies would–

Ashley: Yeah. Okay, he is fun.

Beck: You don’t wanna ask him anything first?

Ashley: No. No. He got the good parts with me. I’m good with him.

Dern: Look, you should know. It’s kind of been a while. So, first time–

Ashley: Yeah, well, I got it. First time’s for you. Second time’s for me. Tale as old as time. Let’s call an Uber.

Beck: Well, that leaves our last contestants. Looks like you’ll have your pick of the litter, Hayley.

Heyley: Whoever is fine.

Beck: Then you wanna at least meet him first?

Heyley: Yeah, sure. Fine.

[Townsen appears. He is wearing a robe and shiny sunglasses.]

Townsen: Hazza and hello?

Heyley: Yeah. He’s fine.

Townsen: My online community of friends call me Townsen.

Heyley: That’s fine.

Townsen: I write non-erotic fiction.

Heyley: Yeah. Good with me.

Townsen: And during quarantine, I invented a board game that’s similar to chess but it’s jacked hobbits versus big boobied centaurs.

Heyley: Whatever.

Townsen: How serendipitous. A union.

Heyley: But, um, just so you know, Im looking for something serious. My brother got engaged over quarantine and it lit a fire under my ass that could melt steel.

Townsen: Oh. No, no, no, no can do, baby. Townsen don’t do commitment. Townsen like to play.

Heyley: God! These past few months have been so hard for me.

Beck: Thanks for watching “How Low Will You Go?” I’m Beck. And when can I stop washing my hands?

[The End]

The Sands of Modesto

Debranike… Kate McKinnon

Tyrell… Kenan Thompson

Stacia… Chloe Fineman

Blaise… Daniel Craig

Victania… Cecily Strong

[Starts with “The Sands of Modesto” intro.]

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

Male voice:  With the outbreak of COVID-Debranike9, otherwise known as Coronavirus, the producers of today’s of episode of “The Sands of Modesto” would like to remind viewers that the staging of certain scenes has been altered for the actor’s safety.

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

[Cut to

Debranike: Thank you, Tyrell. My face looks amazing. I think I’m ready for the benefit.

Tyrell: Well, I am the best makeup artist in Modesto. Now, let me just put on some lip gloss. [Tyrell pulls out a two meter long lip-gloss brush and put it on Debranike from far away.] Alright. There you are. You are ready now, Debranike. I’m sorry to be personal, but may I ask you a question? [pulls out a feather] Does a cuckatoo live here?

[Debranike gets emotional]

Debranike: Not anymore. Cuckatoo flew far, far away.

Tyrell: Good. That explains it. Then I’ll take my leave. Thank you very much.

[They pretend they’re shaking hands from two meters far.]

Debranike: Thank you Tyrell. [phone ringing] Oh, excuse me. It seems like I have a phone call. [Debranike sprays disinfectant on the phone and herself before answering.] Hello? My god! Really? Well, where is she now? Here? Well, it can’t be.

[doorbell ringing]

Coming. On my way.

[Debranike uses tissues to open the door.]

[Stacia walks in]

Stacia?

Stacia: Hello, mother.

Debranike: But, you were killed in that plane crash.

Stacia: That’s what I was told. But I’m alive.

Debranike: Oh! Come, let me hold your face, my darling. [Debranike holds Stacia’s face with her elbows] Look at you. Aw, I never wanna let you go.

Stacia: Don’t, mother. Don’t ever.

Debranike: How in the world did you get back?

Stacia: Well, I had the help of a friend.

[Blaise walks in. He has a white parrot on his one hand.]

Blaise: Debranike, hello.

Debranike: Blaise? Blaise Childes.

Blaise: It’s been quite a long time. You remember Charles. [showing his parrot]

Debranike: Of course. Hello, Charles. Blaise, I thought you left to become a priest.

Blaise: Yes. But I couldn’t do it. The ‘no sex’ part. Also, have you read the bible? It’s weird. The truth is, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.

Stacia: I’ll give you two a moment. Mother, one more embrace?

Debranike: Of course.

[They act like they’re hugging from two meters far.]

[Stacia walks out]

I’ll admit this is quite a surprise. How did sands of Modesto shift in such unpredictable way?

Blaise: Indeed they do. Please join me on the couch. Let’s get reacquainted. Excuse us, Charles. [Blaise puts his parrot on a table] [Debranike and Blaise sit on a couch keeping distance] See, isn’t that better?

Debranike: Oh, please. Being this close to you, it brings back so many feelings.

Blaise: Well, fight them. Remember how I used to stroke your hair?

Debranike: Well, I’ll never forget that for a second. [Blaise uses a long fake arms to stroke Debranike’s hair.] The gorgeous man’s hand. And this touch. Oh, Blaise, I can’t help it. I wanna kiss you.

[Debranike and Blaise stand]

Blaise: Well, why don’t you? Come darling. We can’t deny this any longer.

Debranike: Then kiss me. Kiss me now.

Blaise: It’s all I ever wanted to do.

[Blaise pulls out a glass slab. Debranike and Blaise kiss with the glass slab in between.]

Oh, your kisses. They taste just like I remember.

Debranike: Oh, take me. Take me, Blaise. Please. [Debranike lies down. Blaise puts a plastic on her.] Yes. Yes. Blaise. Blaise.

[Blaise gets on Debranike]

Blaise: I feel like we will melt into one.

[Victania walks in]

Victania: Debranike! What the hell are you doing?

Blaise: Victania? How did you find us?

Victania: You think if my ex husband came back into town, I wouldn’t know about it? Bitch, this is Modesto! [Victania puts sanitizer on her hands]

Debranike: So, it is. And perhaps it’s not big enough for the both of us.

Victania: You’re damn right.

[Victania acts like she slapped Debranike from far away. Debranike acts like it hit her and falls down.]

Debranike: Ah! You crazy slut.

[They wear gloves and pull barbies. Then they start hitting each other’s barbies with their owns.]

Victania: God! I’m sorry. I over reacted. I never had thought– [sneezes]

Debranike and Blaise: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[Debranike and Blaise walk out of the house.]

[Starts with “The Sands of Modesto” outro.]

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.