Tag: Kenan Thompson

Office Song

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

Jeremiah… Willem Dafoe

Punkie Johnson

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a group of employees in their office]

Heidi: Okay, gang, these are all the files for the Innotech case. We’re looking for any transactions that point to funneling of funds into improper overseas accounts.

Melissa: These files go back six years. This is gonna take all night.

Andrew: I mean, if we’re lucky.

Kyle: Guys, I’m sorry. There’s nothing we can do. But I did ask our new temp, Jeremiah, to order pizza.

Jeremiah: Done and done boss. I hope 24 biggies are enough.

Punkie: It seems like plenty, Jeremiah. Yo. And I think it’s great that you’re reentering the workforce at your age.

Jeremiah: Well, thank you ma’am. Retirement wasn’t for me. So I thought what the heck? I don’t know. I’m excited.

Heidi: Okay, well, come on everybody. Grab a box and dig in. The clock’s ticking. We might as well get started.

Andrew: Great.

[Andrew starts to play a beat with his pencil on the desk]

Punkie: Okay. Okay. Wait.

[Punkie makes clicking sounds with the stapler]

[Melissa makes tinging sound with the glass]

[Jeremiah is looking around smiling. He’s enjoying.]

Heidi: [singing] Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: I like that.

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: Oh yeah!

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Kyle: Oh yeah!

Heidi: Zappada-zappada-zow

Andrew: Pumpada-pumpada-pow

Kyle: In the jungle, the mighty jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

Kyle and Melissa: In the jungle, the quiet jungle
the lion sleeps tonight

[Jeremiah getting too excited throws a chair out of the window breaking the glass.]
do not eat in the jungle the quiet jungle

Heidi: Jerimiah!

Punkie: Why did you do that?

Jeremiah: I was trying to join in. I thought it would bounce off the window and make a cool sound.

Andrew: We’re 15 stories up, man. He’s gonna kill someone.

Heidi: What were you gonna do? Throw another chair every eight bar?

Jeremiah: Well, if it sounded cool, I would have.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Ay, who threw a damn chair out this damn building?

Melissa: I’m sorry sir. Our temp had a little bit of a mishap.

Kenan: A mishap? Man, that chair just crushed my brand new Mercedes S class.

Jeremiah: We were signing an impromptu songs sir. Made it up on the spot. Then someone threw a chair. Do we remember who? Who did that?

Kenan: Man! You did a million dollars worth of damage.

Andrew: Sir, please. Look, I know this is bad. But it is his first day. Remember my first day? I was so nervous. I kept calling you daddy. You gave me a second chance.

Heidi: He’s got a point sir. What do you say?

Kenan: Hmm. I’m gonna regret this. But I’ll see you all here tomorrow.

[The next day]

Kenan: All right, let’s see it.

Andrew: Okay, Jeremiah. You can do this. Ready?

[They try to teach Jeremiah how to make sounds using office tools. But Jeremiah mistakenly throws the table top name plate at Heidi and she falls out of the window.]

All: Oh my god!

Kenan: No, no, it’s okay. It’s okay. She’s okay. She’s hanging on the ledge.

Jeremiah: I’ll throw another chair to help her climb out.

All: Jeremiah, no!

Kenan: Put the chair down.

Andrew: The worst temp ever!

Nugenix

Mark… Mikey Day

Frank Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Doug Flutie… Kyle Mooney

William Defoe

[Starts with a guy playing golf video game. Frank Thomas walks in.]

Mark: Whoa! Frank Thomas?

Frank Thomas: That’s me. What’s your name?

Mark: I’m Mark. I’m a huge fan.

Frank Thomas: I get that a lot.

Mark: Well, I don’t want to bother you. But you look great.

Frank Thomas: Well, in my age, I try to stay in the gym as much as possible.

Mark: I hear you. But once I turned William Defoe0…

Frank Thomas:  Let me get this energy? Put on a few pounds?

Mark:  You said it.

Frank Thomas: Lower drive? Can’t get hard anymore?

Mark: Well, lower drive.

Frank Thomas: It’s not your fault. It happens to every man. Testosterone levels drop as you age. That’s why you can’t get hard anymore.

Mark: I didn’t say that. [Doug Flutie walks in] Holy crap! Doug Flutie.

Doug Flutie: Yes.

Frank Thomas: Mark You just turned William Defoe0.

Doug Flutie: Let me guess you can’t get hard anymore.

Frank Thomas: Bingo.

Mark: No. I never said that.

Doug Flutie: It’s okay. It happens to every man.

Mark: Right. I can still get hard.

Frank Thomas: Sure you can, Mark. You just need a little boost. We all do, to get hard.

Mark: No, seriously. Guys, I’m actually fine down there.

Doug Flutie: You don’t have to lie to us, Mark. It’s okay. See, as you get older–

Mark: Testosterone levels drop. Yeah, I know. He already said it.

[William Defoe walks in]

William Defoe: What are you guys talking about?

Mark: Oh my god, Sir William Defoe.

William Defoe: Sir Willem? I’m not even British.

Mark: Oh, why did I think you were British?

William Defoe: I don’t know, man.

Doug Flutie: This is Mark. He came up to us and told us he couldn’t get hard anymore.

Mark: Stop saying that.

William Defoe: Let me guess you just turn the big three-O.

Mark: Thirty?

William Defoe: It happens every man. Especially me.

Mark: I’m sorry. How do you guys all know each other?

Doug Flutie: From boner stuff. We met at a meeting.

William Defoe: Yeah, we all have the same problems as you.

Mark: Okay. I want to say again, for the record, I can still get very hard.

William Defoe: Damn right, you can. Now, with Nugenix.

Mark: Nugenix? What’s Nugenix?

Frank Thomas: Oh, so now you’re interested. Huh?

William Defoe: He’s all yours now?

Mark: No, I was just asking because–

Doug Flutie: At first he was like, “No way. I can get hard all the time.”

Frank Thomas: Right? And now he’s like, “Um, what’s Nugenix?”

William Defoe: “Please tell me more, sir.”

Mark: Alright, well, it was nice meeting you guys.

Melissa: Honey. What’s taking so long?

Doug Flutie: We’re trying to help your husband get hard again.

Melissa: What? [looks at William Defoe] Oh my god, aren’t you–

William Defoe: Sir Willem Defoe. Pleasure is all mine, my lady.

Melissa: Ooh, charmer.  Even more handsome in person?

[sound of a machine engine]

Mark: What the hell is that?

William Defoe: That’s Nugenix.

Mark: What?

William Defoe: That sound. It’s me getting hard.

Melissa: I’m sorry, what?

Doug Flutie: See, when a man reaches a certain age, you can never get hard again.

William Defoe: Until now. With Nugenix.

[sound of a machine engine]

Frank Thomas: Oh, and there’s mine.

Melissa: Oh y god, it’s so loud.

[sound of a machine engine]

Doug Flutie: Right, now I’m getting hard too.

Mark: So, Nugenix is a machine?

Frank Thomas: Oh, so now he’s interested.

[sound of electric shock]

William Defoe: Ah!

Melissa: Are you okay?

William Defoe: It’s fine. It’s just your perfume smells lovely, my lady.

Mark: Okay, let’s get out of here.

[Mark and Melissa leave]

[Frank Thomas, Doug Flutie and William Defoe are getting electric shock]

Male voice: Nugenix, testosterone boosting male enhancement. Try it for free. Oh, now you’re interested!

Beauty and the Beast The Mirror

Beast… Pete Davidson

Belle… Chloe Fineman

Father… Willem Dafoe

Cogsworth… Kenan Thompson

Lumière… Mikey Day

[Stats with Beauty and the Beast dancing in the castle]

Beast: Belle, are you happy here with me?

Belle: I’m getting used to it.

Beast: What’s wrong?

Belle: If only I could see my father again? Just for a moment.

Beast: Well, perhaps there is a way. This magic mirror will show you anything in the world.

Belle: Anything?

Beast: Yes, Belle. Anything.

Belle: [to mirror] I’d like to see my father please.

[Her father appears in the mirror. He’s getting back to his home.]

Father: Is anybody home? Belle? Belle? Are you here? Hello?

Belle: Oh, calling for me. I knew my father missed me.

Beast: Of course he misses you, Belle. He’d be a fool if he didn’t.

[Father is alone in the house]

Father: Okay, so I’m just double checking. I’m definitely alone then. Nobody here in the cottage except little old me. Crazy old me.

Beast: Oh-oh!

Belle: What?

Beast: Well, it seems like your father really wants to make sure he’s alone.

Belle: Wow, he’s never been by himself before. He’s probably frightened.

Beast: Yeah, I think we’re the ones who should be frightened.

[Father is lighting up the candles]

Father: [humming] This is the best day of my life

Beast: Yep, yep, here we go. He’s lighting all the candles now.

Belle: Maybe he’s cold.

Beast: Nope, not a shot. I know exactly what’s happening here.

Belle: What’s he doing now?

[Father is putting all the pictures of his daughter down]

Father: Don’t look. Don’t. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. [looks at the picture of a horse] Look at me.

Belle: He just seems to be so lost without me.

Beast: Belle, this guy’s not thinking about you at all. And if he is we got bigger problems.

Belle: Oh my God, what’s he doing now?

[Father turns on the music and starts dancing]

Cogsworth: Well, that’s not something you see every day.

Lumière: I’ll tell you one thing. The mirror never disappoints.

Belle: Okay. Well, maybe we should do something else. Anyone want to sing “Be our guest” again? It’s a really, really good song.

Beast: Maybe later. This is some sick stuff.

[Father is spanking himself an dancing]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, I like this, dude. He nasty.

Belle: Okay, okay. I think we’ve seen enough. Anyone else want to look in the mirror?

Lumière: Quiet. The strangest thing of all is happening.

[Father is looking at a photograph]

Father: Oh my lady, look at how I’m carrying on since you’re passing. I just wish swish you were holding me close, kissing my neck, stroking my head, stomping on my groin, spanking my ass, biting my ass. So many wonderful things with my ass.

[throws and breaks the mirror]

Belle: Oops! I broke the mirror. Total accident. Can’t believe it. Anyway, see everyone had dinner. And let’s never talk about this again.

Cogsworth: I can’t believes she broke the mirror.

Beast: Don’t worry guys. I got like Father0 more of those in my room.

Chip: Wait, I don’t understand. What happened in that old man’s quadrant.

Beast: [singing] A tale as old as time

Which is a song I would sing if we had the rights.

Jackie Clancy

Jeyner Keeblerely… Kenan Thompson

Clancy T. Bacharach… Will Forte

Jackie Snad… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with Jeyner Keeblerely in a barn]

Jeyner Keeblerely: Hi. I’m legendary country music hit maker Jeyner Keeblerely. And I’m here to give you the best news since last bread was recognized for insignificance. Two of the greatest songsmith in the history of time are back and at it again. That’s right. I’m talking about Clancy T. Bacharach who proved there is a Yahweh with songs like this.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach in the barn]

[music playing]

Clancy T. Bacharach: [singing] Took my toddler at the school
and threw him in the pool
and that’s how we learn to swim
and then a spaceship flew down
and loaned us a towel
and we dried off our soaking bodies

As a show off our gratitude
I gave the aliens a beer jar and food
and a Model T card they belong to my step brother’s life coach

Jeyner Keeblerely: And the woman who put the oo-oo in boot scoot, Jackie Snad.

[Cut to Jackie Snad in the barn]

[music playing]

Jackie Snad: [singing] Took my model-T car to the nearest salad bar
’cause I craved some kale and their kale was on sale
but the salad bar was closed because the space ship exploded
so I drank a jar of beer with a toddler

Jeyner Keeblerely: For years now, these two funky junkie joker monkeys thrilled global audiences with songs about the four things they know best. Spaceships, toddlers, model-T cars and jars of beer. And after a 12 years sabbatical, these two national treasures have decided to once again join forces. I’m sorry. Foin Jorces. No, I was right the first time. They decided to join forces and release a brand spanking new album Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad sing songs about spaceships, toddlers, Model-T cars and jars a beer again, with air caviar like this.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad in the barn]

[music playing]

Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad: [singing] Oh, toddler did you hear
when I whispered in your ear
about the spaceship that was parked in your yard

Next to a Model-T car and some beer in a jar
but without any gas they couldn’t get too far
so they hitchhiked down the road with a turkey and a toad
and a face full of hope and regret
but then a truck passed by and he ran over those guys
and now the turkey is dead and the toad’s on life support

Jeyner Keeblerely: Oh man. It gives you the shivers, doesn’t it? And an important message sung importantly. You want less? Sorry. Because while there’s more than one way to skin a cat, there’s only one way to put that skin back on. With beautiful music like this little slow jelly.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad in the barn]

[music playing]

Jackie Snad: [singing] The eyes of God are crying [wailing]
’cause the toddlers have been lying [wailing]

Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad: Oh yes, those little sons of guns have stolen from nuns
who trusted them to guard their model-T cars
and now they’ll meet the wrath of God and burn and toddler hell
unless they call their friends, the aliens to send a ship down
But God will find them there, he’s everywhere, he’s well connected
and then he’ll zapp them with a lightning bolt
and burn them to a crisp and drink a jar of beer
to celebrate the deaths, it’s a cautionary tale
for little naughty toddlers who disrespect nuns,
for they will find themselves
in… toddler hell

[music changes]

toddler hell
toddler hell
toddler hell

Jeyner Keeblerely: Man, oh, man. That song gave me all the feels. Minus a few feels. Plus more feels than a few feels that were subtracted. And if that wasn’t enough eargasm already, check out this reworking of one of their timeless classics which was recently submitted by NASA and Chef Bobby Flay to be the new official song of the National Football League.

[Cut to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad in the barn]

[music playing]

Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad: [singing] Oh football for your feet and balls combine to make your name
and your field is soaked in urine from incontinent spaceship whoo-hoo
and one day, a toddler will distract you as you hike your little leather ball
and a model-T car will catch a hail Mary from a beer jar
and win the Super Bowl
Oh, football sport, 
Oh, football sport
Oh, football sport
Oh, football sport
Here is your official new football song

[wailing]

Jeyner Keeblerely: That’s right. So, to order, send cash wrapped in napkins to Clancy T. Bacharach and Jackie Snad album offer, care of

Jeyner Keeblerely
36 Donkey Donut Court
Pickletits, Delaware, 938273

ESPNs First Take

Molly Qerim… Chloe Fineman

Stephen A. Smith… Chris Redd

Michael Irvin… Kenan Thompson

Todd Levane… Will Forte

Martin Murphy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Molly Qerim, Stephen A. Smith and Michael Irvin in their show set]

Molly Qerim: Good morning. What’s going on, everyone? Welcome to “First Take”, ESPN’s home for the hottest sports takes. I’m Molly Qerim, and here with me is the always outspoken Stephen A. Smith.

Stephen A. Smith: Molly! It is fantastic to be here! Absolutely fantastic!

Molly Qerim: And our newest cohost, a man who thought the show needed more passionate energy, Dallas Cowboys legend, Michael Irvin.

Michael Irvin: Okay, Molly, Molly. Uh, Molly, Molly. Stephen A. right here. This– You– Stephen A., you wrong, brother! Okay? It is not fantastic to be here. It is a delicious privilege to put on this suit! You understand? To put on this $6000 tie clip, okay? The thickest one ever made. This is here. This–  What? This–  Whoo! This is special.

Molly Qerim: Okay, uh, want to remind you both that it’s 10 AM, okay? And we have 1 hour and 58 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s start with the Sunday playoff game in Tampa, where Tom Brady’s Buccaneers will take on the red hot LA Rams. Guys, the question everybody is asking, is Tom Brady an exceptional quarterback or very exceptional?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I stayed up all night wrestling with it. But today, there is no doubt that Tom Brady is an exceptional quarterback like the great Peyton Manning! And to say anything more would be blasphemy! Period!

Michael Irvin: Excuse me, Stephen A. Tom Brady is very exceptional. Okay? And Peyton Manning? Please! Tom Brady would beat Peyton Manning in a cakewalk. It’d be more than a cakewalk. It would be a cake run.

Stephen A. Smith: Ridiculous.

Michael Irvin: A cake swim and a cake road trip down Highway 95! No man has never, ever seen a cake travel so quickly, period.

Molly Qerim: Okay, guys, people are still letting their coffee kick in, and you already sound like you’ve been hit by a bulldozer of cocaine.

Michael Irvin: Hey. Don’t threaten me with a good time. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Molly Qerim: Okay. To settle this, let’s go to Todd Levane from the fan site Sports Horse. Todd, is Tom Brady exceptional or very exceptional?

Todd Levane: Okay, first of all, everybody, thanks for mounting the Sports Horse. Hold on tight ’cause this bronco bucks. [horse neighs] Okay, Michael, I know you played in the NFL for twelve years. You’re a hall of famer. I just started a website. But you know nothing about football! Thomas Edward Patrick Brady is not exceptional! He’s not very exceptional! He’s clearly very, very exceptional!

Michael Irvin: What? Oh, no, he did not. No, he didn’t.

Todd Levane: Tom Brady plays like he’s always got a chip on his shoulder and his back against the wall, and that’s why he is the supreme dominator of men! He eats planets! And that’s straight from the horse’s mouth! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Okay. Love that passion. But, guys, people have the show on in the background while folding laundry, and you’re scaring them and waking up the baby. Alright, so, let’s talk about it. Does Tom Brady play like his back is against the wall or like there’s a chip on his shoulder?

Stephen A. Smith: Molly, I’ve thought a lot about this question. A lot. I meditated on it. Then I took a monthlong sabbatical! I ate, I prayed, I loved! And then I came back with an answer. And it is indisputable that Tom Brady plays with a chip on his shoulder because when the chips are down, you still got a chip right by your face!

Molly Qerim: Well, to put this in perspective, the Sports Bureau is saying that–

Michael Irvin: M-M-M-Molly, Molly, Molly. Molly. Uh, okay, you the glue, okay, that keeps this show together, but, uh, please shut up. Because I got to scream. Stephen A.! I am not going to sit here and listen to your nonsense! I am going to stand and listen to it while I breathe heavy like a video game character on pause.

Stephen A. Smith: Well, go ahead. All I’m saying…. All I’m saying–

Michael Irvin: Stephen! No! You have offended me as a man. As a father, as a brother, and as a nephew.

Stephen A. Smith: Good.

Michael Irvin: Tom Brady must put his play,  put his– He got to play with his back on the wall! You understand me? That’s open, shut, and locked!

Todd Levane: Yeah, lock it up, Michael! Lock it up and bury it a mile deep in the sea, deep in Davy Jones’ locker, where darkness goes to die! You best start believing in the Sports Horse, Mr. Irvin, ’cause you’re in one! [horse neighs]

Michael Irvin: Thank you, thank you. But Tom Brady has given us more years of quality entertainment than Frank Sinatra himself.

Stephen A. Smith: Oh, my God!

Michael Irvin: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

Stephen A. Smith: Come on! You’re bringing up Frank Sinatra? That is clearly an apples and oranges comparison!

Molly Qerim: Well, and that’s our next big sports question. Guys, apples or oranges?

Stephen A. Smith: Now, Molly, I’ve thought about this question my entire life! I recently had a long heroic battle with COVID. Almost died! I went to the light and I looked at the face of God, and I asked him this very question. Molly, it’s apples.

Michael Irvin: I’m gonna stop you right there, Stephen A. With all due respect, god is wrong. Okay? God does not have this here Super Bowl ring on his finger, so he don’t know the magnificent glory of oranges, alright? Like they say, in America, “It’s as American as orange pie.”

Todd Levane: Oh, please! You’re asking the wrong question! It’s not apples and oranges! It’s asparagus and nickels! End of discussion! Don’t poke the horse! [horse neighs]

Molly Qerim: Well, I am glad we settled that. Still an hour and 55 minutes to go. Alright. Let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll switch gears and talk to the head of NFL’s new anti-bullying charity, time out for kids, Martin Murphy.

Martin Murphy: Hey, guys, thanks. Delighted to be here. And it’s apples. And anyone who disagrees is a disgusting loser and a moron!

NBA on TNT

Ernie Johnson…Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Yao Ming… Bowen Yang

Hannah Dolton… Heidi Gardner

Riley Beckwith… Mikey Day

Alicia Miller… Ariana DeBose

Patrick Bemis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with NBA TNT intro]

[cut to Ernie Johnson, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith in their set]

Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to NBA on TNT halftime. Nets and Kings Ernie Johnson joined by my pals Charles Barkley and K Smith. Shaq is unfortunately out sick.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, he said he got some the cold Shaq flu. But let’s call it what it is. The man has COVID.

Ernie Johnson: Hey, Charles, you don’t know that for sure. Filling in for Shaq is another big man. Yao Ming.

Yao Ming: Yes, you’re always here. Hello?

Charles Barkley: Yao, you are enormous, man. Before the show, I watched his man eat an entire pumpkin. Stemming on.

Yao Ming: It’s just a snack for Yao.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of COVID, before the game the Kings entire team tested positive along with most of their coaching staff and trainers. And they were forced to find replacements very quick. But they did, and that the half, it’s Nets lead the Kings to 68-1. Charles, why can’t Sacramento get anything going tonight?

Charles Barkley: Well, in my opinion, the biggest thing to me is that the Kings don’t have any NBA players on their team. Whereas the Nets do.

Kenny Smith: Yeah, I wrote down the same thing. And you can see how the Kings’ lack of NBA players is reflected in the score.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, the Kings players tonight are all fans or arena support staff. Any thoughts? Any thoughts? Yao?

Yao Ming: They’re tiny people. Too small.

Ernie Johnson: Well said, Yao. Let’s look at a matchup here. At forward, we have James Harden for the nets and equipment manager Duggie McCormick for the Kings.

Charles Barkley: Okay, look at those numbers. McCormick’s just getting outplayed out there. And the two asthma attacks didn’t help.

Ernie Johnson: That’s been the case for many Kings players tonight. Hannah Dolton is court side with one of them now. Hannah.

Hannah Dolton: I’m here with Riley Beckwith. [Riley Beckwith is all bruised and bleeding] What position did you play tonight?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, left side.

Hannah Dolton: Not the best first half for the Kings. And what was it like out on the court?

Riley Beckwith: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Kind of winded. Working hard out there. You’re tall. How tall are you?

Hannah Dolton: 5’7”

Riley Beckwith: Okay. Tall. Yeah, look, I mean, Brooklyn came to play tonight. I was confident going in, because I played pickup B-ball at my gym with a bunch of white guys my size. But being out there against the Nets, I realized that basketball is an impossible sport played by giants and gods.

Hannah Dolton: Well, good luck in the second half.

Riley Beckwith: Oh, thank you so much. I won’t be here. I’m scared. So, I’m going home. Thank you so much.

Ernie Johnson: Well, not every Kings player has been shut out. Alicia Miller managed to put one on the board for Sacramento. She joins us now. Oh, Alicia. I understand you came to the game with some friends and then you were asked to play.

Alicia Miller: Yeah. Now, this is like the craziest girls night ever.

Ernie Johnson: And you made a free throw.

Alicia Miller: I did. It was underhand too.

Ernie Johnson: Cool. Now, you’re also called for traveling 39 times.

Alicia Miller: I know. I keep forgetting to bounce the ball.

Ernie Johnson: Yeah, well then you got ejected for taking a selfie with Blake Griffin during the game.

Alicia Miller: Okay. But I had to. I didn’t know if I would see him again. You know you gotta like, shoot your shot.

Ernie Johnson: Well, speaking of shooting shots, you guys are an astounding 0-3 from the field with 184 block shots.

Alicia Miller: I don’t really know what that means. But you know go SACs.

Ernie Johnson: well, thank you Alicia.

Kenny Smith: Couple of NBA records tonight. Most points scored by a player in the first half, Kevin Durant with 178. And most players crying on the court at once, six kings players were crying at the same time.

Charles Barkley: Hold on. I’m sorry. But I just got a glimpse of Yao’s hands. It is huge, man. Put it up to mine. Let me see. Look at it. Man is like the iron giant. No! No! Not on my face, man. Get out of here.

Ernie Johnson: Well, let’s go right to the source of the Kings issues tonight. Temporary coach Patrick Bemis joins us live. Now, you coach at little dunkers day camp.

Patrick Bemis: That’s correct. I coach my son’s team. He was actually drafted too. He’s been guarding Kyrie Irving.

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah. I think we got a picture of that.

[cut to a picture. His son is just a kid who’s under seven years old.]

Patrick Bemis: Yeah. He actually got kind of hurt there. We kind of hope we both get COVID so we can leave.

Ernie Johnson: Sounds about right. Thank you Coach. Kenny, how can Shaq town pull off a win tonight?

Kenny Smith: No, I’d say if Kings player has some sort of Space Jam like Mike magical shoes situation, they might be able to salvage a win. Charles?

Charles Barkley: Well, my prediction is I’m out of Ernie Johnson00 grand because I bet on these clowns to win. Why do I do this to myself?

Ernie Johnson: I don’t know. All right. Well, we got to take a break. Yao, you want to throw us to commercial bud?

Yao Ming: Goodbye.

Charles Barkley: Yao, I love you, man. You know what? Come on. Let’s get this man another pumpkin. We’ll be right back.

All On Me

Lil T… Chris Redd

Mac… Kenan Thompson

Freddie Gibbs

Ariana DeBose

Lil T: [rapping] Lil’ T on the track, baby
Just got signed, so we rich now, ha
Whole crew gon’ eat, my girl Boo-Boo
My boy Mac wit’ me, yeah
We in the club, actin’ up, let’s go

Came through the kitchen on a Tuesday
Straight to the booth for my crew, ’bout to do things
Pop bottles, new money, at my old ways
Penny for your thoughts, I got a milli’ for the whole thing
Party’s around me, just drink and don’t speak (But they fine tho)
Shrimp tower, what’s that? We don’t eat
Give ’em tips with change we don’t need
Don’t worry ’bout a thing ’cause it’s all on me

Lil’ T winnin’, now it’s all on me
Get what you want, it’s all on me
Wear shades ’cause my shinе is all you’ll see
Black card to black card, it’s all on me
Run the check-up ‘causе it’s all on me
What’s that? ‘Cause it’s all on me
Waitress: The check, sir.

Lil T: ‘Cause it’s all on me
Oh, cool.

cause it’s all on m—

[1 looks at the check. It’s over $44,000. He’s shocked]
Oh, my God!

Ariana: Baby? Baby, what’s wrong?

Lil T: Uh, hmm? Oh, nothin’ boo, heh, Don’t worry ’bout it.
Hey Mac, hm, tell ’em how you livin’, bruh.

Mac: T give me that dough, and I’m wildin’ (No doubt)
Got the whole crew drippin in diamonds (Ayy)
Diamonds on my chain, (Ayy) ten diamond rings (Ten?)
Diamonds on my grill, (Okay) diamonds for my girl (Wait)
Benz for my girl, (Mac!) house for my girl (Hey, Mac!)
Benz for my house, (No!) house for my Benz (What?)
Benz for my moms, (No!) Benz for my kids (They babies!)
Big words what I said, cause it’s all on him

Lil T: R-run that check up, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Some is on me, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Or us though, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Who ordered this shrimp? (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
Nobody eatin’ it! (‘Cause it’s all on me!)
That ain’t good, (‘Cause it’s all on me!)

Ariana: You can tell by the way he throw it all around [1 is collecting the money he threw before]
He got money in the bank (It’s all on T!)

Freddie Gibbs: Okay, Lil’ T, you up in the big leagues
See you spendin’ big G’s like your boy Freddie G
Young’uns making money is something I like to see
Send him one big bottle of Ace, it’s on me

Lil T: Damn, Freddie Gibbs, you doin’ it like that?

Mac: You know the club code, gotta send something back!

Lil T: I already know, yo, send something dope!
Enjoy Freddie Gibbs!

Freddie Gibbs: What’s this, diet coke? The f**k?
Boy, I should whoop your ass for bringing this ***damn Coke, boy!
Old dude’s just being cheap!
Shots for everybody and they all on T!

Lil T: No!

Freddie Gibbs: Run the check up (‘Cause it’s all on T!)
He got it! No, it’s not! (Yeah, it’s all on T!)

Lil T: No, Freddie Gibbs doesn’t represent me, though
Ariana: Now, hold up, baby, lemme get em!
Crystal poppin’ in the VIP
I got my own money, but he spendin’ on me
Get ten more bottles! (Let’s start with one!)
Five Dom Perignons! (Let’s start with none!)
And all you ho’s in the club, look but don’t touch
Gotta go through me first, now eat your box lunch
Throw that money up, whole spot going crazy! (Word!)
Cause I’m having Lil’ T’s baby!

Lil T: You’re pregnant? (It’s all on T!)
That’s why you’re not drinkin’? (It’s all on T!)
I thought there was like, a holy reason! (It’s all on T!)
I’m so stressed, (It’s all on T!)
I’m not financially prepared to be a father.

Mac: Hey, let’s close this out right, T.

Lil T: Ahh, everybody put your hands in the sky
Now drop ’em low to the floor
Now pull your credit card out
And pass it to me, bro!
Oh, who got a Venmo? Send me a Venmo!
Who got a Venmo? I need like ten mo’
(Ow-ow, bah, ow-ow) ‘Cause, it’s all on me!

[paying the bill] Hey, can you go and split these up evenly between all these? Thank you very much, it’s very important (‘Cause it’s all on me!)

5-Timers Cold Open

Paul Rudd

Tom Hanks

Tina Fey

Kenan Thompson

Steve Martin

Martin Short

[Starts with Tom Hanks walking into the SNL stage]

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hanks.

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Hello, hello. Thank you. I’m Tom Hanks. Thank you, surviving crew members. Tonight, everyone at Saturday Night Live planned to do our big Christmas show and adopt a new member into the five timers club. But COVID came early this year. So, in the interest of safety, we do not have an audience and we sent home our cast, most of our crew, but I came here from California and I didn’t think I was gonna fly 3000 miles and not be on TV, well, you got another thing coming. And I am not alone. Isn’t that right, Tina?

[Tina Fey walks in]

Tina Fey: Whoo! Yeah. Clapping by myself. Making the weirdness festive. Yes, I am here and this is not the smallest audience I’ve ever performed for because I have done improv in a Macy’s.

Tom Hanks: Tina, another five times. Thank you for joining me. As you know, I started the five timers club.

Tina Fey: Oh, like you started COVID.

Tom Hanks: Exactly. And tonight, we plan to welcome Paul Rudd to the club and we are not going to let this stop us. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Rudd.

[Paul Rudd walks in the stage through the door]

Paul Rudd: Wow.

Tom Hanks: Good to see you, kiddo.

Paul Rudd: Oh! Thank you, thank you. Thank you for coming. Thanks for coming. I’m extremely disappointed.

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah, I know, buddy.

Tom Hanks: Well, it’s not all that bad. People magazine just named you the most sexist man of the Year.

Paul Rudd: Oh, I think it was sexiest.

Tom Hanks: [sarcasm] Okay, right, yeah.

Paul Rudd: Well, there was a whole show planned. And I just can’t believe I’m not going to get my five timer jacket.

Tom Hanks: Or will you? Here to bestow this great honor is the longest tenured cast member, Mr. Kenan Thompson.

[Kenan Thompson walks in with a 5 timers’ jacket]

Kenan Thompson: Ha-ha-ha. Good to see you. Good to see you. [looking around] Whoa! Where is everybody?

Paul Rudd: Kenan, having you heard?

Kenan Thompson: Heard what? About the thing that’s going around?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, covid.

Kenan Thompson: Well, is that real?

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s real.

Kenan Thompson: I’m just kidding. Come on. We’re having a good time. Congratulations on hosting the show four and half times.

[Kenan Thompson puts on the jacket on Paul Rudd]

Paul Rudd: Oh! Look at that. It’s beautiful. Look at this stitching.

Tina fey: Yeah, Lorn’s getting really good.

Paul Rudd: Wow.

Tom Hanks: Now, Paul, I know this is it exactly the five timer experience you were hoping for but someone did pre record a very special message just for you. Can we roll that? Let’s roll that.

[Cut to a video clip from Steve Martin]

Steve Martin: Hi, it’s me, famous Steve Martin. Tonight. I just want to congratulate Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: I’m a huge fan of Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: …and Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

Steve Martin: …one of my favorite movies, Forest…

Dubbed voice: …Ant-man.

[Martin Short walks in with a glass of water]

Martin Short: [whispering] It’s Paul Rudd.

Steve Martin: Oh, it’s Martin Short. You remember the five timers club? Right?

Martin Short: No.

Steve Martin: How many times have you hosted?

Martin Short: Three.

Steve Martin: Huh! [Steve Martin pushes Martin Short away] So congratulations, Tom…

Dubbed voice: …Paul Rudd…

[Cut back to the SNL stage]

Paul Rudd: Oh, wow. Thanks.

Tom Hanks: I just thought that was great.

Kenan Thompson: And don’t worry, we still have a great show for everybody, including brand new sketches taped earlier this week.

Tina Fey: And we were also going to show some of our personal favorite sketches from past episodes.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, it’s gonna be a little bit like a new Beatles documentary. A lot of old footage, but enough new stuff that you’re like, “Okay, yeah, I’ll watch that.”

Tom Hanks: So, get us started Mr. Sexy five timer.

Paul Rudd: Okay.

Santa Song

Leslie D… Billie Eilish

Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kenan Thompson

[starts with Leslie D, Kate and Ego at the stage. Leslie D is the lead singer]

Leslie D: Hey girls, I have a Christmas question for you: Has this ever happened to you?

Kate: It sure has Leslie D.

Leslie D: Wait, I haven’t asked you yet.

Ego: Asked us what Leslie D?

Leslie D: Just let me ask it and then you’ll know!

Kate: Okay don’t get mad…

Leslie D: Girls, I’m asking if you’ve ever dreamed of meeting someone your whole entire life, and then when you finally got the chance it didn’t go quite as planned?

Ego: Oh, we know just what you’re talking about.

Kate: But sing about it anyway just in case we don’t.

Leslie D: Okay…
[singing]
It was a winter’s night, a quarter to three
I was dozin’ by my Christmas tree
When he appeared with a full white beard
The very guy that I revered
I’m talking Santa! (Santa)
I was in the same room as him

Ego: You met the Santa? Like, from the bible?

Kate: Where you nervous Leslie D?

Leslie D: Was I ever!

[singing]
But I said to myself, “Don’t be a fool
Be smooth as ice and play it cool.”
So here is what I said…

“Hey sexy mama nice teeth!”

Yeah, I made it weird with Santa
(Santa)

Kate: Now why’d you go ahead and call him mama Leslie D?

Leslie D: I don’t know, I was nervous! He’s famous! And I thought if I winked he’d know I was kidding…um

[singing]
Does Santa hate me?
It’s anyone’s guess
He said my name
And I said “yes”
He asked if I’d been naughty or nice
and I said: Why’s asking, virgin?
Yeah I made it weird with Santa!

Kate: What does that even mean Leslie D?

Leslie D: I don’t know, it just came out of my mouth! Haha…

Ego: Well, what did Santa do?

Leslie D: He gave an odd smile and said, “Okay sure”
Then he sorta started heading towards the door…

Ego: Not the chimney?

Leslie D: No I think he just wanted to get out of there. 

So I said, “Okay Santa, you do you!”
And then I made finger guns and I went “zoop zoop”

Leslie D: Yikes, what is wrong with you?

Ego: Don’t feel bad, it happens to us all

Kate: We met him once at a Christmas ball

Kate and Ego: How could we converse with him? We should’ve rehearsed
Cause then he asked us if we were good and here’s what we said…

Ego: You tell me, you’re in charge Daddy…

Leslie D: Woah!

Ego: I thought I was flirting, I don’t know, but then I remembered, maybe he has a wife?

Kate: So then, I said, “Hey Santa, so you and Mrs. Clause never had children. Was that a conscious decision or was there like a health issue there? Or are the elves your children and you keep trying to make a tall one?”

Leslie D: Oh no. Then what happened?

Kate: He asked me what my name was and I said Beth. And he said, “Get away from me Beth.”
I don’t think I’m on good terms with Santa
Santa

Ego: But it gets worse, ’cause then I said, “Sorry Santa, we’ll leave you alone. But just so you know, you’re zipper is down.” And he said, “No, no, that’s just the fuzzy seame on my Santa suit. And I said, “No look!” And then I touched him down there.

Kate: Why?!

Ego: I don’t know! Because my brain doesn’t work!

Kate and Ego: We really blew it with Santa

Santa

Leslie D: He thinks I’m a dodo
He thinks I’m a doof
My, oh my, what’s that sound on the roof?

[Santa walks in with a mic]

Santa: Ho ho ho!

All: Santa!

Santa: Prancer said that I should give you one more chance. After all, it is Christmas.

Kate: It’s not our fault Santa

Ego: We’re not good in crowds

Leslie D: We never know what we’ll say out loud

Santa: All is forgiven, in fact I bring gifts
As a thank you for this jazzy Christmas Riff!

Ego: Wow!

Santa: What do you say?

Kate: My wife.

Santa: Try again.

Leslie D: Thank you Santa. We’re weird, but we love you!

Santa: Hey, Santa’s a little weird too, hehe.

All: Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas!

Republican or Not

Benson Dubois… Kenan Thompson

Jim Lee… Simu Liu

Michelle Flynn… Ego Nwodim

Brady… Kyle Mooney

Lacey… Sarah Sherman

Cheney… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]
Male voice: And now it’s time to play Republican or Not? With your host Benson Dubois.

[cut to Benson Dubois in his set]

[cheers and applause]

Benson Dubois: Hello, and welcome to the show. The game is simple. We’re gonna meet some people, and our contestants have to guess whether they’re republican or not. Seems easy, right? Hello, contestants.

Jim Lee: Hi, Benson. I’m Jim Lee. And honestly, this game seems pretty straightforward. So I think I got this.

Benson Dubois: I bet you do. And how about you?

Michelle Flynn: Hello, Benson. I’m Michelle Flynn. I grew up in Ohio. So, I’ve been playing this game my whole life. Kind of an expert.

Benson Dubois: Sure you are. Let’s get started. Let’s bring out our first guest. [Brady walks in] This is Brady. Now he’s gonna make a few statements. Ring in as soon as you’re ready to guess. Republican or not? All right, Brady, give us our first clue.

Brady: I think Facebook is evil.

Jim Lee: Oh, wow. Because they’re spreading disinformation or because they’ve banned Donald Trump?

Benson Dubois: Not so easy, is it?

Jim Lee: Maybe we need another hit.

Benson Dubois: I would say you do.

Brady: I buy all my produce straight from a farm.

Michelle Flynn: Because you want to or because you have to?

Benson Dubois: I don’t know Miss Ohio. You the expert. Keep going Brady.

Brady: I respect pro athletes who stand up for their beliefs.

Jim Lee: Which athletes?

Michelle Flynn: And which beliefs?

Benson Dubois: Who knows? Could be her or him? No guesses? Okay, then give them the last clue. Brady?

Brady: God I hate cops.

[Michelle Flynn presses the ringer]

Michelle Flynn: Okay, he is not a Republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: Oh, sorry. So close. But no, Brady is indeed a Republican.

Michelle Flynn: But but he said he hates cops.

Benson Dubois: Yes, but he was talking about these cops. [Picture of police holding Trump rally appears on the screen] Well, better luck next round. Let’s Meet Our second guest, Lacey. Lacey came here from Manhattan.

Jim Lee: New York City or Kansas?

Benson Dubois: I can’t say. Start the clock.

Lacey: On Twitter, my pin tweet is “My body my choice.”

Jim Lee: Okay, that’s a trick. She’s talking about vaccines, right?

Benson Dubois: Oh, if we only knew. Another hint Lacey.

Lacey: I support Caitlyn Jenner.

Michelle Flynn: In what way? Politically?

Benson Dubois: [eating popcorn] You’re doing great.

Jim Lee: And give us another clue.

Lacey: Okay. My favorite comic is Dave Chappelle.

Michelle Flynn: Starting when?

Benson Dubois: I love my job. All right, give them another one.

Lacey: Last month I went to a board meeting and complained about a book being taught in my daughter’s school.

[Jim Lee presses the ringer]

Jim Lee: Okay, I definitely know that one. She’s a republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: No. Sorry.

Jim Lee: What? She was complaining about a book in her kids school.

Benson Dubois: That’s right. And that book, the Bible. Alright, before we bring out our next guest, let’s hear about today’s sponsors. Jimmy!

Male voice: Republican or not is sponsored by the city of Orlando, where Democrats visit and Republicans live. Orlando. Back to you, Benson.

Benson Dubois: Thank you, Jimmy. Alright, let’s bring out our next guest, Liz.

Liz: Good afternoon.

Jim Lee: Is that– I feel like I recognize her.

Benson Dubois: Maybe you do. Start the clock.

Liz: I’m a congresswoman from Wyoming. I’m endorsed by the NRA and have an 80% rating from the American Conservative Union.

Benson Dubois: Nobody wants to ring in?

Michelle Flynn: Yeah, I really want to. It seems so obvious, but this game is weird.

Liz: My name is Liz Cheney. I’m the daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney.

Benson Dubois: She’s the daughter of Dick Cheney.

Michelle Flynn: Okay. Y’all are being real tricky here, aren’t you?

Liz: I’m a Republican.

[Jim Lee presses the ringer]

Jim Lee: Republican. She just said she’s a Republican.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Benson Dubois: No, sorry. Again. That is wrong.

Jim Lee: What? How?

Benson Dubois: The Wyoming Republican Party actually voted representative Cheney out this week for opposing Donald Trump.

Liz: But I am a Republican.

Benson Dubois: Ha-ha! You might tell everybody that, but it’s not what other Republicans say. Like it or not, you are the Rachel Dolezal of the Republican Party.

Liz: Well, I don’t care. I’ve been fighting for Republican values all my life.

Benson Dubois: Aw, that is so cute. We will see you on MSNBC in about a week. Let’s take a break. When we come back we’ll find out if these camouflage pants are Republican or not.

Jim Lee: Who’s wearing them? Guy playing paintball or Rihanna?

Benson Dubois: You still don’t get it?