Tag: Larry David

Carson Endorsement Cold Open

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with CNN America’s choice 2016]

[Cut to Jake in his set]

Jake: Hello, I’m Jake Tapper, and if you google me, you’ll see me in a t-shirt. But first, another big endorsement for Donald Trump as former rival Ben Carson has agreed to throw his support to the businessman. We go now to Florida where Trump has just taken the stage.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you. My guest today so tremendous. Dr. Ben Carson is a very special man. And for once I don’t mean that as an insult to the mentally challenged. Why don’t you come out here, Ben. Come on.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: I am so thrilled to be here today. I am positively turned. Yes, Donald and I are very different. We’re like night and day, ebony and orangy. And sure, we’ve had our– you know, we’ve had our polite disagreements. I question his knowledge on healthcare and he called me a psycho and a child molester.

Donald Trump: Hey, in my defense, he’s a pretty creepy dude. I mean look at this guy. He looks like he drives a hollowed out ice-cream truck.

Ben Carson: What my point is, I have learned there are two Donald Trumps. There’s the man you see every night on stage for eight months, guy who calls people losers and brags about his penis. But there’s also the friendly man I had breakfast with earlier today for 10 minutes. He gave me a muffin.

Donald Trump: Okay, that’s enough for now. Let’s get this guy a juice box and a nap.

Ben Carson: Bye, America. It’s been weird.

[Ben Carson walks away]

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: And there it is. Turning now to the democrats, Bernie Sanders pulled up a huge up set in Michigan this week. Joining us now via satellite from his hotel room in Illinois is senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes, yes. Hello. Good for me, Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Presidential Candidate.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Congratulations on your big win in Michigan, senator.

Bernie Sanders: Thank you, Tapper. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I want to thank everyone who voted for me and apologize to everyone else for making your Facebook feed so, so annoying. I mean, I love my supporters. But they’re too much, right? I’m great, but I’m not five posts a day great. With all due respect to my supporters, get a life.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Now, how do you think you pulled out such an up set victory?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Well Tapper, I spent a lot of time in Michigan. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but they give you ten cents for recycled cans. I made a fortune.

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: Now senator, you may have won Michigan but Hillary still leads you in both delegate and super delegates.

Bernie Sanders: Can I ask you something? What’s a super delegate? Who calls themselves that? It’s so cocky! [Cut to Bernie Sanders] They walk around like they’re such big shots. “Oh! I beg your pardon Mr. Super Delegate.” Let me tell you something, I’ve met some of these super delegates. They’re not so super. Mediocre delegates is more like it.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But senator, many think you need these super delegates to win the nomination.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Not true. No, not true. I have the voters. My message is resonating with a very diverse group of white people. And I’ve got supporters of all ages. 18 year olds, 19 year olds. That’s it. The young people love me, Tapper. Because I’m like them. I got a lot of big plans and absolutely no idea how to achieve them.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But, you’re still struggling with the minorities. Why do you think African Americans aren’t voting for you?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Probably because I look like someone who at some point told them, “Get out of my store.”

[Cut to split screen]

Jake: And finally senator, Florida vote’s on Tuesday, but you haven’t spent much time there.

Bernie Sanders: Can you blame me? [Cut to Bernie Sanders] Who wants to spend time in Florida? The only reason you go to Florida is if your sister calls and says, “Mom’s dead, we gotta go to Florida.”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Alright. Thank you senator. Alright, breaking news right now. We’re getting word now of yet another incident of violence at Donald Trump rally. Apparently the victim was this man, Dr. Ben Carson, who was attacked moments ago by an angry mob that mistook him for a protestor. We go there now.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Ben Carson. Ben Carson is holding a raw steak over his eye.]

Ben Carson: It’s okay. I’m fine.

Donald Trump: Guys! What did I say? Not this one! This is one of the good ones! [to Ben] I’m sorry, Ben.

Ben Carson: Hey, they’re just lucky I don’t have my knife on me. I’ve been known to cut a bitch.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. We’ve got a very classy Trump steak on his eye. And to the media, please don’t use this as an excuse to call me racist.

Ben Carson: Donald’s actually got a lot of black friends. Omarosa, Dennis Rodman.

Donald Trump: The list goes on.

Ben Carson: Mike Tyson.

Donald Trump: The list ends.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: Quite a scene. Now, let’s check back in with senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to split screen. Bernie Sanders is on his pajamas getting ready for bed holding a toothbrush.]

Bernie Sanders: What? No! No! Get out of here. Don’t cut back to me. Get away.

Jake: Senator, are you in your pajamas?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I’m in pajamas. It’s bed time you idiot! You said you were finished. So I got in pajamas.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: How did you change so fast?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I always wear them under my suit. That’s why my suits are so baggy. Now please, if you don’t mind, Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Steam Ship

Taran Killam

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Larry David

Kenan Thompson

Donovan … Vanessa Bayer

Bernie Sanders

[Starts with people panicking on a sinking ship]

Taran: We’re going down.

Beck: Evacuate the ship.

Kate: Have mercy on our son.

Bobby: Light the signal.

Larry: Light some.

Kenan: Lower down the life-boats.

Larry: Lower them.

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: What’s that?

Taran: Women and children first.

Larry: Really?

Taran: Yes, really.

Larry: Shouldn’t it just be whoever is closest?

Bobby: Load the rations.

Taran: Tie them to the bust.

Kenan: Board the women and children. Save their lives.

Larry: And let’s not forget about the men’s lives.

[Kate gets on the boat with hers on]

That kid, he’s more of a man than I am!

Kenan: Hold on steady.

Bobby: Hold on.

Larry: Check his pants. Check for pubes.

Taran: No! We are absolutely not doing that.

Larry: You’re gonna let me drown but you won’t just do a simple pubes check?

Kenan: Help madam Donovan on to the life boat.

Larry: Her? What are you saving her for? She’s a threat to all of us. Have you gone through menopause, man!

Madam Donovan: That’s none of your business.

Larry: Oh, that answers my question. Sharks are going to be following up from miles if you’ll catch me drift.

Kenan: You suck, sir!

[Another woman and a kid gets on the boat]

Larry: Are you kidding me? That’s not a kid. that’s a midget, I can tell.

Kenan: Not cool.

Larry: I can say it. It’s old in times.

Taran: Alright men. Make sure every woman and child has a life vest.

Larry: Well, okay. I hate to pull this but my father is rich. I come from a wealthy family. Technically, my life is worth more than all of your’s put together. Especially these women and midgets. So if it’s all the same to you, I’m gonna pop down in that lifeboat.

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Hold on! Hold on! Wait a second! I am so sick of the 1% getting this preferential treatment. Enough is enough. We need to unite and work together. If we’re all going to get through this.

Larry: Sounds like socialism to me.

Bernie Sanders: Democratic socialism.

Larry: Ah! What’s the difference?

Bernie Sanders: Huge difference.

Larry: Yuge?

Bernie Sanders: Huge.

Larry: Yuge with a Y? Who are you?

Bernie Sanders: I am Bernie Sanders Witsky. But we’re gonna change it when we get to America so it doesn’t sound so quite Jewish.

Larry: Yeah, that will trick them.

Taran: Hold on everyone. I’ve got great news. What we crossed into was Liberty Island. We’re in New York. Everyone off the boat!

[everybody cheering]

Bernie Sanders: Look at that!

Larry: Oh, wow! Not bad.

Bernie Sanders: Share a cab?

Larry: Nah! I think we’ve talked enough.

[The End]

Song Writing

Jason… Pete Davidson

Vanessa Bayer

Ross… Larry David

Ted… Taran Killam

Willow… Kate McKinnon

Nate… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with a music class]

Jason: Okay guys, welcome to intro to song writing. I’m Jason. Are you guys excited?

Vanessa: [singing] Yes we are!

Jason: Yes! I love that excitement. You guys rock.

Ross: That’s a cool haircut man.

Jason: Thanks. Okay, so today’s class is about lyrics and what do most song lyrics have in common?

Ted: Um, they rhyme

Jason: Yes, Ted. So, I wanna start with very funny, basic and silly, fun exercise to show how visualizing the world of a song could help us rhyme. So, [Jason pulls out an instrument] I’m gonna start up.

Ross: Cool drums.

Jason: Thanks Ross.

Ross: Yeah, don’t mention it.

Jason: I appreciate it. So, we’re gonna sing a song as a class about a forest. And I want you all to visualize a forest. Okay? Willow, I’m gonna start with you. I’m gonna give you a lyric and then you’ll have to finish it, okay?

Willow: Please don’t.

Jason: Hey, no pressure. This is very easy, alright?

[singing] I see an animal walking near
great big antlers, it’s a–

Willow: Deer!

Jason: Alright! You see? Easy stuff. Ross, your turn bud. You ready?

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he leaps over the–

Ross: Frog house.

Jason: No. Not frog house. I love the creativity. But try and find the rhyme. Alright? You ready? Okay.

[singing] In the creek, I see a frog
watch as he eaps over the–

Ross: Dull frog building.

Jason: Ross, you’re over complicating it, bud. Where is the frog?

Ross: His house.

Jason: Okay, but where is his house?

Ross: Frog end.

Jason: Alright, the word was log. We’re all looking for the world log. It’s all good though. Um, Ross, we’re gonna do a new one, okay? Alright.

[singing] buzz, buzz, wake up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: Frogs and tiny helicopters.

Jason: Ross, bud. What’s with you and the frogs?

Ross: I’m visualizing the world of frog.

Jason: Alright, we’re moving on now. Now, there’s no frog.

Ross: Oh my god, what happened to them? Are the frogs okay?

Jason: Just no more frogs. Cool? Okay, listen. You’re ready?

[singing] buzz, buzz, up in the trees
oh-oh, it’s a swarm of

Ross: The rise of the toads.

Jason: Ross. I said no frogs.

Ross: I know. The toads invaded and killed the frogs.

Jason: The word was bees. Good try Ross. Alright. Brand new song about– how about a fun day at the beach?

Ross: But the toads closed all the beaches coz they’re at war.

Vanessa: You’re legitimately talented.

Jason: Nate, your turn. No toads.

[singing] Going to the beach, gonna have fun
spending the day under the–

[Cut to Nate and Vanessa]

Nate: Okay. See, I know it’s sun. But yo! I wanna say shadow of the toad’s warships.

[Cut to Ted and Willow]

Ted: Yeah. And I’m super curious. Who are the toad’s enemies since the frogs are gone?

[Cut to Ross and Jason]

Ross: The Iguanas, man! The Iguanas want to crush the toads. Iguana… wanna… oh damn! I got some! Give me that guitar. Give me that guitar. I’m gonna write my own.

[Cut to everybody]

[singing] And the frogs are under the trees

[The End]

Larry David Monologue

Larry David

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Larry David.

[Larry David walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Larry David: Alright. Alright. Okay. Okay. Stop. Stop. You’re gonna be very disappointed. That’s what I do. I disappoint people. Anyway, this hosting thing, come on. So stupid. I’m not a host. I’m a guest. I don’t host things. No one’s ever been to my house. If they did go, they’d find it extremely unpleasant. I don’t put out snacks with dip. I can’t remember the last time I had dip in my house. I have a dip-less house.

You know, I auditioned for this show many, many years ago and I was terrible. Those were the days when I was just a poor schmuck. As opposed to now. Now, I’m a rich prick. Every noticed how the word prick invariably follows the word rich? If you’re rich, you have to be a prick. Same way the word schmuck always follows the word poor. If you’re poor, you’re a schmuck. Why else would you be poor? So I went from a poor schmuck to a rich prick without hardly any transition. I’m not that much happier as a prick than a schmuck. I can be a schmuck again. I never thought I’d become a prick. Neither did my friends. They said, “He’ll never be a prick.” And them boom! One day, I’m a prick. I have all new friends, all pricks.

So now, you know, here I am. I’m hosting. It’s all very well and good but honestly, I can’t wait to leave. In fact, I would say that’s one of the great pleasures of my life. It’s leaving anywhere I am. Wherever I am, I wanna get the hell out of there. Anywhere I am, it’s like I just had sex. I must go. I must vacate the area.

I’ve also noticed now how every time I start dating, my friends always say to me, “Aren’t you concerned she’s only going out with you coz you have some money and you’re on TV?” No! Why else would she go out with me? Of course that’s why she’s going out with me. That’s one of the benefits. That’s why I did this in the first place. What do you think? She has a pension for old bald men? She’s supposed to like me for myself? I don’t even like me for myself. I’m not a good person. I commit six of the seven deadly sins on a daily basis. The only sin I don’t commit is gluttony. So the nicest thing you can say about me is I’m not a fat pig.

I’ve always been kind of thin. My parents were concerned when I was younger that I might have an eating disorder. Nothing horrifies Jews more than a kid who won’t eat. Oh my god, it’s the end of the world. They’d rather I’d shot heroin. Even if I killed someone, that would be preferable to throwing up my dinner. An eating disorder? Could you imagine? “Larry! Larry! What are you doing in my bathroom? Are you throwing up your dinner? Mony! He’s throwing up his dinner again.” “Ah! Leave him alone, Rose. I don’t give a good god damn what he’s doing. Who throws up a brisket? Your mother made a beautiful brisket and that’s what you do? Well, I got news for you. You’re paying for that brisket, and the potato and the apple sauce, everything in that toilet bowl. I’m gonna wash that out.”

Now, here’s the part where I’m supposed to say we have a great show for you tonight. I can’t say that. I love the great show. Secondly, why are there expectations? What I should be saying is, “Ah! The show is so-so.” And if it’s good, you can be surprised. Anyway, the band is the 1975. 1975, which also happens to be the year I broke my masturbation record. 412 times. That’s not terrible. Not terrible. Anyway, we’ll be right back.

[The End]

Bern Your Enthusiasm

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Jane Sanders… Vanessa Bayer

Jeff… Bobby Moynihan

Suzan… Cecily

[Starts with public crows at Bernie Sander’s rally. Benie Sanders and Jane Sanders and walking together.]

Jane Sanders: Sweetie, I can’t believe how many people are here.

Benie Sanders: It’s  revolution, Jane. Millions of people. If we have a good turn out, we can win Iowa.

Leslie: Oh my god! Mr. Bernie Sanders. I’m your biggest fan. [coughs on her right palm] And I’m telling you, I’m feeling your Bern! [gives her right hand to shake]

[Benie Sanders doesn’t shake his hand]

Benie Sanders: Ah! That’s okay.

Leslie: Well, what do you mean? Shake my hand.

Benie Sanders: You coughed into your hand, then shake it after a cough.

Leslie: No I didn’t. Just shake my hand.

Benie Sanders: No, no. You specifically coughed in your hand. I saw it.

Leslie: No I didn’t.

Kenan: Come on, Mr. Sanders. Don’t be rude. Shake my wife’s hand.

Benie Sanders: Sir, I am not being rude. She’s the one who is being rude by offering a germ infested hand at me.

Leslie: A germ infested hand? Is that right? I am a voter. That’s that I am. Germ infested person?

Benie Sanders: I am running for president. I do not shake disgusting hands.

Leslie: Oh, I’m disgusting now? Really? Don’t walk away from me, Bernie Sanders!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders in his office]

Kyle: Mr. Sanders, can I get you a coffee?

Benie Sanders: A coffee. Yeah, you know what? I’ll have a coffee with whole milk.

Kyle: Sorry, I think we only have 2%.

Benie Sanders: 2%? No, no. If I’m gonna have milk, I’ll have milk. Thank you very much.

Jeff: Bernie! What’s this I hear about you not shaking your constituent’s hands. You can’t do that.

Benie Sanders: No, you don’t understand Jeff. She gave me a cough and shake.

Jeff: Sure it wasn’t a cough and a wipe and a shake?

Benie Sanders: No, no. There was no wipe. Definitely no wipe. She didn’t have the decency to give me a wife.

Suzan: You are such an asshole Bernie. You know what? This is why nobody likes you, because you’re an asshole.

Benie Sanders: Oh, I’m an asshole?

Suzan: Yeah! You are. You are.

Benie Sanders: People love me, okay? I have more individual donations than any candidate in history and I don’t take from millionaires and billionaires. The average is just–

Suzan: $27, yeah, we know. Coz you say it every time you’re on TV.

Benie Sanders: Okay, we’ll keep it low, low.

Suzan: Everybody knows!

Benie Sanders: Oh, shut up, Suzan. Okay?

[Jay walks in]

Jay: Bernie F-ing Sanders! Ha-ha-ha. Listen man. I’ll tell you something. I heard you didn’t want to shake a black woman’s hand.

Benie Sanders: What? Don’t! Don’t say ‘black woman’, okay? There’s nothing to do with black. She gave me a cough and shake.

Jay: Listen, you need the black vote, Bernie. You need to shake as many black women’s hands as you can. I don’t care if the hand’s got dookie on it. You shake that hand. You might get a dookie in your hand, but you know what else you get? A damn vote.

Benie Sanders: Okay, that was fascinating. I’m gonna go get some coffee.

Suzan: You can’t go out there.

Benie Sanders: Why? I’m a person like everybody else. I’m a normal human being.

Suzan: You’re not normal.

Benie Sanders: Normal human being. Oh, shut up Suzie! How about that?

Suzan: You shut up.

[Cut to Benie Sanders walking at the snowy street.]

[As Benie Sanders is walking to get a coffee, there’s a car hitting sound.]

[Cut to Aidy in the broken car.]

Aidy: Help. Somebody, please!

Benie Sanders: My god! What happened?

Aidy: I- I don’t know. Are you Bernie Sanders? I was just on my way to vote for you.

Benie Sanders: Oh, how– what can I do? How can I help?

Aidy: Well, I think I dislocated my shoulder. So can you just pop it back in?

Benie Sanders: Pop it back in? Are you nuts?

Aidy: No. It’s easy. Just pop it back in.

Benie Sanders: Oh, I cannot. Go to a hospital. I don’t pop– I’m not a popper.

Aidy: Well, come on! The poll’s closing in an hour. If you want my vote just pop it back in.

Benie Sanders: I don’t want it that bad. I never popped in my life. I’m from Brooklyn. We don’t pop in Brooklyn. I’m sorry.

Aidy: Come on!

Benie Sanders: I have no popping experience. I’m sorry.

Aidy: Bernie!

Benie Sanders: I’m sorry.

[Benie Sanders walks away]

Aidy: F-you! Bernie!

[Cut to Bernie walking back into his office. Everyone is looking at the poll.]

Benie Sanders: Excuse me. Excuse me. How are we doing?

Jeff: I’m so glad you could make it, Bernie. The polls are closed.

Jane Sanders: Where is your coffee?

Benie Sanders: I had an incident–

Suzan: The hell you talking about incident. Just drink the coffee here.

Benie Sanders: I don’t want to drink the coffee. 2%. What’s 2%? I’m not drinking–

Suzan: What are you? Some weirdo psychopath? What’s wrong with 2%?

Taran: Alright, start the presses. Headlines in. They feel the Bern. Huge voter turnout. Huge, massive!

Benie Sanders: Turnout? This is wonderful. Did you hear? Huge! Huge turnout. You know what that means? That means we win.

Suzan: Hey you [bleep] four eyes. Look at the TV dumb [bleep]. You didn’t win. You lost.

Jeff: You lost by like, .2%. Come on!

Benie Sanders: .2%? What? How many people is that?

Taran: It’s like, five people.

Jane Sanders: How could we lose by five people?

Suzan: What did you do? You did something.

[Benie Sanders looks at the TV. He sees Aidy, Leslie and Kenan waving at the TV wearing Hillary shirt.]

Kyle: Sir, are you sure I can’t bring you that coffee? We still only have 2%.

Benie Sanders: I’ll take the 2%.

[The End]

At the Bar

Bartender… Kenan Thompson

Ace Chuggins… Larry David

Sheila Sovage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender offering last call at the bar booth]

Bartender: Alright you sad sex, last call. So either hook up now or go home and take care of yourselves.

Ace: Hey bartender, give me a Kentucky Night Cap. That’s a bourbon with tiny old PN floating in.

Sheila: And I’ll take one more vodka chatter please. Might as well, my liver’s losing a jazz to a night by the name of Sir Roses. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Ace: Well, well, well. Looks like there’s one pickled egg still floating around in a vinegar.

Sheila: And? Why don’t you fish me out, lay me down on a plate and see if you can get pass how I look and smell?

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Please, I had stew for dinner that I would like to stay down.

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Sheila: Thank you. Mind if I scoot a little closer pal? The seat I’m on is wet and it is my fault.

Ace: Come on over. As long as you don’t mind the smell of garlic. My D pushed my face into a plate of lasagna earlier.

Sheila: Lasagna, huh? That’s funny. In high school, they called me Garfield coz I hated Mondays and I had a tail.

Ace: Wow! You really know how to make a man confused down there. What’s your name, sweetie?

Sheila: It’s Sheila Sovage. You can remember that coz if you mix up the letters, it almost spells vagastill!

[Cut to Bartender looking disgusted]

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

What’s your handle brother?

Ace: They call me Ace Chuggins.

Sheila: Ace? Get out! I’m wearing one of your bandages right now coz I ran out of underwear. Wow.

Ace: Ah! Sorry, you’re thinking of a different Ace. I work as a before model for teeth whitening ads.

Sheila: Get out! I have teeth for now.

Ace: That’s insanity. You know, I gotta be honest with you. When I first saw you, I thought I’d have to put a paper bag over our heads. Now I’m like, “Yeah! Just put her in a shadow.”

Sheila: Yeah. And you had me at paper bag on my head.

Ace: Wow!

Sheila: Wow!

Ace: We are connecting big time. Quick! What’s your favorite color?

Sheila: Stripes. What’s your favorite smell?

Ace: No fart.

Sheila: Me too. No fart.

Ace: Really?

Sheila: Something is happening here.

Ace: Oh, it is. It is happening.

[Cut to Bartender]

Bartender: Yes, called an outbreak. And it’s time for you to take the viruses out of here.

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Sheila: You heard the man? Why don’t we go back to my place to see how many lays are left in the sack. Crumpled old potato chip bag, huh?

Ace: I bet you, I can have just one.

[Sheila pulls her lipstick out and Ace pulls his chapstick out.]

Sheila: Well, looks like we both just bought a ticket to the kiss concert.

Ace: My tongue’s not as long as Jean Simmon’s, but my penis is even shorter.

Sheila: Let’s do this.

[Ace and Sheila start kissing wildly]

[Cut to Bartender hiding behind a net]

Bartender: No! No!

[Cut to Ace and Sheila]

Sheila: Oh!

Ace: Oh!

Sheila: Wow, that was just amazing.

Ace: I think you gave me black balls.

Sheila: Yikes. Looks like this old Alcamino has stalled on the ramp.

Ace: Well, hang on. Maybe we better take it into the shopping, look under the hood. If you know what I mean.

Sheila: [smiles] I think I do.

[Sheila raises Ace’s wig and kisses on his bald head]

Bartender: Oh, boy!

[The End]

Democratic Candidates Forum

Rachael Madow… Cecily Strong

Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Democratic Candidates Forum intro]

[Cut to Rachael standing in the set. The audiences are clapping.]

Rachael: Good evening. Good evening, I’m Rachael Madow and welcome to MSNBC first in the south democratic forum. In case you were wondering what a forum is, it’s a debate that no one watches. Tonight we’re coming to you live from Winthrop University in beautiful South Carolina. And to remind you of that, all night we’ll be cutting to very tight shots of black people in the audience. The camera will be very close to their faces and we’ll often catch them off guard like this.

[Cut to Kenan. He’s an audience of the show and takes time to realize that he’s on TV.]

[Cut to Rachael]

Tonight, I’ll be speaking one on one with the three remaining democratic candidates. We’ll get to the fun ones in a sec, but first we have to eat our vegetables. Please welcome Martin O’Malley.

[Martin O’Malley walks in]

Martin O’Malley: Thanks for having me, Rachael.

Rachael: Governor O’Malley, here’s my first question. Did you get here okay?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: You have a– You have a good flight?

Martin O’Malley: Yes.

Rachael: Okay, governor O’Malley, everyone.

[Martin O’Malley stands and waves at the audience, and then leaves.]

Our next candidate this evening is hot off crushing the Benghazi hearings, please welcome Hillary Clinton.

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: 11 hours, baby. It couldn’t break me and it never will.

Rachael: Okay, Hillary, let’s dive in to some tough questions. But, oh, don’t worry. Not actually tough, just MSNBC tough.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Of course, but first excuse me while I try to sit casually in this chair.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is finding a comfortable posture to sit on.]

There we go.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Secretary Clinton, here is your question. You lived in Arkansas for 20 years, but after the White House, you moved to New York instead of returning down South. So, how can the people in the South trust that you care about them?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Listen, Rachael, I love the South. I love to eat Hush Puppies and wear Hush Puppies. But you know, I also love New York, with their bagels and their logs. I could never forget about it. But I also could never forget about sitting on a porch and eating some Southern grills.

[Cut to Jay sitting in audience. He is shocked to see himself on the screen.]

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay, now, since this is not a debate, it’s just a forum, let’s move on to some stupid little games.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Pick an envelope and inside are some surprise questions. Sounds fun?

Hillary Clinton: Ha-hah! Yes. I love being surprised on TV. [laughing]

Rachael: Alright, this one. Okay.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Alright, question one, what language would you most like to learn?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Hmm. I think I’m gonna say casual English. Um, you know, there are so many phrases I hear but I don’t know how to use. Like, “hang out”, or “I’m good either way”.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Question two, introvert or extrovert?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, Rachael, I would say I’m a little bit of both. I’m an extrovert because I love meeting people and connecting with them and smiling with them. But, I’m an introvert because no, I don’t.

[Cut to Rachael and Hillary Clinton]

Rachael: Okay. Thank you for being here. Secretary Clinton, everyone.

[Hillary Clinton stands, waves at everyone and leaves]

Time for our final candidate. He’s a second term senator of–

[Bernie Sanders walks in]

Bernie Sanders: Okay, okay, I don’t need no–

[cheers and applause]

I don’t need no fancy introduction. I’m not Elvis Presley. Let’s just get on with it.

Rachael: Okay, well, thanks for being here senator Sanders. Are you ready for some questions?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’ve actually got a question for you. What the hell is this tonight? Why are we even doing this?

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Beats me. Now, senator, let’s get to our first question. You’ve said many times that you wanna raise taxes for large corporations. What exactly would you invest that money in?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: We need to rebuild our nation’s infrastructure. It’s crumbling.  That’s why I no longer drive on bridges or through tunnels. I won’t do it, Rachael. It’s too risky. Instead, I keep a kayak strapped to the top of my car. Whenever I get to a bridge, I park, abandon my car and paddle to the other side. So, if you ever see a soaking wet man pulling a kayak out of a river and screaming about bridges, give him a hand. Coz he’s your next president.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Okay. Senator Sanders, I’m gonna ask you another question. Please don’t hate me.

Bernie Sanders: Of course I hate you. [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I hate everyone. What’s to like? The only people I like are my seven adorable grandchildren. The youngest one is so cute. He just turned 40.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Um, now, you’ve been very vocal about campaign finance reform. How is the way your financing your campaign different from the other candidates in either party?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Listen, Rachael, the other candidates, they’re taking millions of dollars from the Coke Brothers and Nexon Mobile. But not me. I only accept coins. And I’m not talking about fancy coins like dimes and quarters. I just want nickles and pennies. The coins of the middle class. And Rachael, I don’t want new pennies. I’m talking about those old pennies that are covered in hard black gum, you can’t even read the date. So, America, if you believe in Bernie, I need you to go home, open your closet, pull out your vacuum, dump it upside down and send me all the pennies fall out of it. That’s right. I’m Bernie Sanders and I want your vacuum pennies.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Interesting strategy, senator.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Rachael, don’t poo-poo the vacuum penny.

[Cut to Rachael and Bernie Sanders]

Rachael: I won’t.

Bernie Sanders: Don’t poo-poo it.

Rachael: I won’t. But now, it’s time again to play some stupid little game, okay? Pick an envelope.

Bernie Sanders: The one on the far left. So far left, it could never be elected.

[Cut to Rachael. She opens the envelope.]

Rachael: Oh, this actually isn’t a question. It’s a dare. Senator Sanders,I dare you to take my phone and call your crush.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I can’t call my crush. It would take too long because my crush is every black person in America.

[Cut to Leslie in the audience looking un-convinced.]

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Black people love me, Rachael. When I ran for senator in Vermont, I got 50% of the black vote. His name was Marcus.

[Cut to Rachael]

Rachael: Alright, finally, are there any last words you’d like to offer the American people?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yes. If you vote for me, I will work hard, I will never give up and Live from New York… ay! You get it!

[The End]

New Hampshire Democratic Debate Cold Open

George Stephanopoulos… Mikey Day

Lindsey Davis… Ego Nwodim

David Meur… Alex Moffat

Tom Steyer… Pete Davidson

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Mike Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Male voice: From Manchester, New Hampshire, it’s the Democratic Debate.

[Cut to the Democratic Debate]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to George]

George: Good evening and welcome to the Democratic Debate. I’m George Stephanopoulos. [Cut to David, Lindsey and George] And joining me for optics is Lindsey Davis and David Meur.

Lindsey: Thank you.

David: Thank you, George.

George: Okay, that’s enough. Wow, what a week it has been for American politics. Iowa was a disaster. President Trump has gotten Super Saiyan since his acquittal. And now it’s up to New Hampshire to start turning things around for the democrats. So, let’s meet our future MSNBC contributors.

[Cut to the podiums. The participants of the debate walk to the podiums.]

Billionaire Tom Steyer. Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar, senator Vermont Bernie Sanders, Former vice President Joe Biden, Massachusetts senator Elizabeth Warren, former South bend Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg and Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang confused]

[Cut to George]

Vice president Biden, let’s start with you. Are you at all concerned about your poor performance in Iowa?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: You know? I’ll be honest. Losing Iowa was a real kick in the nuts. Alright? But I am not worried at all because, you know, by the time we get to south Cackalacky, Joe Biden’s gonna do what Joe Biden does best. Creep up from behind! Just when you think your lead is safe, my numbers are gonna sneak up and surprise you with a nice sweet kiss on the neck.

[Cut to George]

George: Um, mayor Pete, you initially claimed victory in Iowa and then senator Sanders claimed victory a few days later leading to some major in fighting. Who do you think really won?

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Um, Donald Trump.

[Cut to George]

George: Um, I mean out of the democrats.

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Oh! Oh! Then, I guess me.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I still can’t believe all this mess happened in Iowa. [cheers and applause] I can’t believe all this mess happened in Iowa because of an app. Hey, I have an idea for an app. It’s call ‘No Apps’. No apps, no computers, no gadgets no gizmos. You show up to your polling place, take a number like you do with the butcher, they call you ticket, you walk up to the counter and say to the guy, “Give me your pound or whatever’s about to go bad.”

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Oh, the issue in Iowa was math! Oh, I wonder who they could have called to help them out with that? [showing his pin on his coat that says ‘MATH’] Oh, what? I mean, because of my pin racist!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

[cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: I don’t wanna talk about Iowa anymore. Let’s talk about the hearing now. Alright? I am very confident about my chances in New Hampshire. I tend to really connect with New England moms who own big dogs, baca fleece vests, Joe Biden days out of week. Look, New Hampshire, your state border might be kissing Vermont, but you ass is resting on Massachusetts. So, come on over and fill up the gap.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: I just wanna add that senator Warren is not the only sensible candidate standing here before you. You are looking at the other half of New York times endorsement. But guess what? Elizabeth is J-Lo and I am Shakira. And so, to Donald Trump I say, [making funny teasing noise] .

[Cut to Tom Steyer with his right hand raised]

Tom Steyer: I have my hand up now. I would like to talk please. Notice me? Thank you.

[Cut to George]

George: Okay, go ahead.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Um, I just want to say that I love everybody here. I mean, I agree with all of them. You know, everybody. All of you. I’m sorry, I’m tripping balls right now.

[Cut to George]

George: Alright. Let’s take a quick word from our sponsor tonight. [advertising] Bloomberg. [Mike Bloomberg’s picture appears at the bottom of the screen. And there’s a written ‘mike BLOOMBERG 2020.] Are you a registered democrat thinking, “These can’t be my only choices, then try Bloomberg. He is not as short as Trump is fat.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m not an out of touch billionaire like Bloomberg. Sure, I’ve been taking a private jet to campaign events. But I do that for my fellow passengers. Believe me. You don’t want to sit next to me on a plane. I’m a middle seat guy and get up to use the bathroom minimum six times between Des Moines and Manchester. I bring leftovers from home that stink up the plane. And if you think I’m loud when I talk, you should hear me chew.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: No, no, no, no, no. You’re not gonna out-poor me, alright? My campaign is broke as hell. My biggest contributions are the pennies from loafers and whatever the concerned moms of Bernie bros can afford.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsey: Okay. This is my favorite part of the debate where we ask about winning the black vote. I’m gonna start with you, mayor Pete.

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Oh, man! Look, people say I’m not very popular among minorities. They’ve been referring to me as mayo Pete. But I assure you I am not that spicy.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey! Hey! Um, look, speaking of the black vote, that reminds me of a little underdog story. And, spoiler alert, it’s a long one. Alright? The year was nineteen hundred rata-tat-tat, okay? And I am straighting through the rough part of Wilmington DE when suddenly, I come across four gentlemen from the isle of Jamaica. Now I’m talking these fellas are dark as night, okay? Before they can make their first move though, I toss them, all four of them right into a cardboard box and I roll them down the hill. And that is how I gave Jamaica it’s first bobsledding.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Alright, people! It’s simple. If you want black people to like you, give them $1,000. It’s been working for me since high school.

[Cut to Tom Steyer. His right hand is raised.]

Tom Steyer: Hey, my hand’s up again. Um, I’m just gonna come out and say it, I am 100% for reparations.

[Cut to Lindsey]

Lindsey: Alright, but in what way?

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I don’t know. But that guy’s with me.

[Cut to the audience focusing on Kenan. He doesn’t know what Tom Steyer is talking about.]

[Cut to George]

George: Alright, let’s hear your closing statements. Senator Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Um, why am I not doing better? I am the most reasonable person on stage. Instead of tearing democrats down, I get along with everyone up here. Um, baby knot, chompers, slender man. And I know you’re probably surprised to see me on this stage still. But I am Amy Klobuchar, I am here. I am square. Get used to it!

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Well, listen. Bottom line, I know a lot of people like me but they’re worried about if I’m electable. I have a great solution for that. Elect me. It’s that simple. You can trust this face. This is me on LinkedIn, Facebook, IG and michaelscraftstore.com.

[Cut to George]

George: Senator Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Okay. I don’t know how or why it happened. But I am the king of an army of internet trolls called Bernie Bros. Could I stop them in their tracks? Of course. Should I? Yes. Will I? Nay! Hillary Clinton says nobody likes me. Let me ask you this. The how come I’m the most popular guy Fortune?

[Cut to George]

George: Mayor Pete.

[Cut to Pete Buttigeig]

Pete Buttigeig: Look, I know corruption is a problem in this country. I know big business controls too much of Washington. I know democrats don’t want another candidate with massive corporate donors. And I know that I sound like a bot that has studied human behavior by watching 100 hours of Obama speeches. So, let’s get #WhiteObama trending. And please, please, not ironically. Thank you.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Look, I tried to tell you guys the robots are coming, Yang gang 2020! Let’s get this shmoney!

[Cut to George]

George: Mr. Steyer.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: You know, I didn’t come here to make friends. But dammit, I made some great ones. [sobbing] It’s been an honor, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cut to George]

George: Okay. Mr. Biden, you have 60 seconds.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: What? No, the doctors said I had six to eight months.

[Cut to George]

George: No! I meant for your closing statement.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Oh! Okay. Alright, alright. Well, then I guess there’s only one thing left to say.

[Everybody comes in]

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

PBS Democratic Debate Cold Open

Judy Woodruff… Heidi Gardner

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Nancy Pelosi… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Democratic Debate intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Democratic Debate on PBS.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

[cheers and applause]

Judy Woodruff: Hello, I’m Judy Woodruff and welcome to the Democratic Debate. Just like the bachelor, the further we go, the less diverse it gets. So, lets begin. From Massachusetts, it’s senator Elizabeth Warren.

Elizabeth Warren: Woo! In here, and I am in my element. PBS is my safe word. Last debate I gave you policy TMI and now I am ready to walk in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Also in the debate stage tonight is Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Well, my candidacy will be completely ignored by the media. That’s why I’ll conduct the rest of the debate in virtual reality! [Andrew Yang puts on his VR console on.] In here, I’m the front-runner.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff”

Judy Woodruff: He is the mayor of South Bend, Indiana. It’s Pete Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Hello, thanks you. It’s wonderful to be here tonight but I have to warn everyone tonight, I’ll be in attack mode, as long as it’s okay with you guys.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Minnesota, Amy Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: The bang is glued, girlfriend. And tonight, my voice will be as solid as my carefully rehearsed mid western mom jokes.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: The senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: I’m Bernie Sanders. I’m white, can’t help it. Let’s move on.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, all right.

[cheers and applause]

Hey. Notice anything different about me? Grandpa Joe got the glow up. I was Irish man. Younger, yep. Taller, sure. Better, no.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: And businessman Tom  St — wait. Mayor Bloomberg?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Cloomberg: Oopsie. Classic billionaire switcharoo.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Bloomberg, you did not qualify for this debate. How did you get here?

[Cut to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Well, for $Andrew Yang0 million, PBS is now owned by viewers like me. Look, I even got a tote bag.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Before we begin with the questions, does anyone want to prove they’re presidential by starting a petty little fight?

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren, raising hand desperately]

Elizabeth Warren: Yes! Yes! Judy, I just want to point out to everybody that mayor Pete here, held a billionaire fundraiser in a wine cave with crystals, dripping candelabras, basically “eyes wide shut” minus any sex appeal, whatsoever. Now, look, I’ve never even been to a wine cave. I haven’t even been to filene’s basement. Too much shimmer and shine.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Okay, I would just like to point something out, I’m the only person on the stage who isn’t a millionaire or a billionaire. I live on my mayor’s salary plus $Elizabeth Warren0 a week allowance from my parents, and that’s only if I do my chores.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Klobuchar, you’re looking assertive today. Is there something you would like to add?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. The only cave I ever go to is a man cave. I call it ‘The senate.’ For more of these classic zingers, please check out my stand-up special, “Land of Judy Woodruff0,000 laughs,” only streaming Costco+ streaming service.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Hey, hey, quit picking on little Bo Pete over here. Kid’s trying his best. Speaking of, have you noticed that I’m playing with almost a full deck of cards tonight, huh? I haven’t even told the long rambling story yet, but I got one locked and loaded. Here it comes. [snaps his fingers] The year was Judy WoodruffKamala Harris whoops-a-daisy, and my pale white ass is strutting down the mean streets of Wilmington when I come across a group of fellas singing some doo-wop tunes surrounding a– one of those flaming trash can. Now, I know I need to be racially sensitive here, but it’s important for you to know his name was Ol’ Black Charlie.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: See, this is exactly why we need  to have more candidates of diversity on the stage.

[Kamala Harris walks in with a martini in her hand]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I could not agree more.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Harris, what are you doing here? You dropped out, remember?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, is this a debate? I had no idea. I was just in the neighborhood. But while I’m here, I just want to show you how good you could have had it, America. You withheld your donations, and I got tired of waiting, so I walked my fine ass out the door. You could have had a bad bitch.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Mr. Sanders, I’d ask you to also comment on the declining diversity in the debate field? I know you just want to talk about climate change.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Of course I do. Look at me. Are you really surprised that my main concern is the temperature? At my house, I have a sharpie on the thermostat so I know if you move it. And let me tell you, no matter how hot the earth gets, I will not wear shorts. I swim in corduroy. Google “Bernie Sanders’ legs.” No results. Let’s keep it that way.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Okay, I think we should move on. Senator Klobuchar, do you believe the next president has a duty to fight corruption?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Yes. When our next president is inaugurated, I think SHE will make SHE-ure that people are HER-d!

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: I don’t know what’s going on, but I just wanna say I love the ladies. Okay? Even these tough broads. I have the utmost respect for all Lizzy woo and senator Kambucho over there. I do.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Maybe we need to have fewer debates. I think you’re hurting your cause.

[Cut to a speaker standing in front of Bernie Sanders and Amy Klobuchar]

Speaker: Speaking of hurting our cause?

Amy Klobuchar: Why you here?

Speaker: Democrats, I’ll get you, my party, and your little mayor, Too. [laughing evilly]

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Speaking of drama, president Trump was impeached this week. Assuming he is still candidate, can you beat him in

[Cuyt to Michael Cloomberg]

Michael Cloomberg: Probably not. I’m just doing this to get my steps in.

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Senator Sanders, same question.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Look, Trump is the most corrupt president in our history and he’s not the only one lying to the American public. Amazon lies. Apple lies. Even my iPhone lies. Every time it says it’s at Judy Woodruff% battery, it stays on for at least Elizabeth Warren0 minutes. But then other times, it is at Joe Biden%, shuts down immediately.go figure! Apple, what are you trying to hide? And what is my password?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Look. Look. I’ll still beat Trump. Because when he gets to the senate judiciary committee, he’s going to wish he never heard my name.

[music playing][rapping]

It’s pronounced Kamala 

it rhymes with Pamala

it ain’t Camilla Cabello

it’s just Kamala

[music stops]

[Cut to Judy Woodruff]

Judy Woodruff: Well, candidates, you’ve all spent the last two years talking smack about president Trump. But what if I told you — [Cut to Donald Trump in the backstage] He’s been backstage the whole time and he’s heard everything you said.  Come on out, Mr. President!

[Donald Trump walks in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump. You think I’m scared? You think I’m nervous? What are you going to do? Impeach me? Losers! Impeach me outside, okay? How about that? Impeach me outside!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: This is ridiculous. Why is he here?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: So people will actually watch this little freak show. This is the best the dems cosmetic come up with? Pocahontas? Sleepy Joe? I’m just gonna riff on some new ones. Mayor butt. Klobuchart. That’s good, that’s good. Scrooge McDuck, Ben and Jerry’s.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: Okay!

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: There are no rules now that I’m impeached. You had it easy with Donald Trump Delirious, but now you’re going to get Donald Trump Raw, baby.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Listen up, Bucko. I challenge to you a push-up contest. Talking me, you, shirts off, nips out, first guy to do one wins. What do you say?

Donald Trump: Go ahead. I’m not afraid of anything.

[Nancy Pelosi walks in]

Nancy Pelosi: Are you sure you’re not afraid of anything?

Donald Trump: Oh, my god! Nancy Pelosi. I thought it was Krampus! Did you read the letter I sent you?

Nancy Pelosi: Oh, the one that was six pages, single spaced like a serial killer? No. I didn’t read it. I’m sorry. But I brought you two gifts Mr. President. They’re the articles of impeachment.

Donald Trump: Oh! Great! Give it to Mitch in the senate, and everything is gravy, baby.

Nancy Pelosi: Okay, but here’s the thing. You know how sometimes you get a gift and you like it so much that you keep it as a gift for yourself?

Donald Trump: You can’t do that.

Nancy Pelosi: Well, watch me. Good luck at the state of the union. Oh! And one more thing.

Everybody: Live from New York it’s Saturday Night!

2020 Democratic Debate

Rachel Maddow… Melissa Villaseñor

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

Joe Biden… Woody Harrelson

Cory Booker… Chris Redd

Andrew Yang… Bowen Yang

Tom Steyer… Will Ferrell

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Tulsi Gabbard… Cecily Strong

[Starts with MSNBC intro]

Announcer: And now MSNBC’s special coverage of the democratic debate.

[Cut to the MSNBC debate set]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Hello. I am Rachel Maddow and we are live from Tyler Perry studios in Atlanta. So, hello and good afternoon. I want to start the debate with the question on everyone’s mind—who can beat Donald Trump?

[Cut to the people competing]

Elizabeth Warren: Me, me, me. My hand—my hand went up first.

[Cut to Rachel Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: That’s not how it works, but go ahead.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Right, right, right. Look, I know in past debates, I’ve been accused of being overambitious, right? I’ve got mom hosting thanksgiving energy. I’m a little overwhelmed ‘cause I thought ten people were coming and now there’s 30 million. But I promise dinner will be ready if you just get out of the kitchen and stop asking questions. And of course, this thanksgiving I will be cooking my specialty. Maybe don’t say it. The food of my ancestors. Should I say it? I’m going to say it—Maize.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, that’s a good one, Liz.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Sounds like you’re in a good mood tonight, senator Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, I am. I am. The fun is back, baby. America’s fun aunt. I’m also America’s cool aunt. The C—you know what? Let’s not do that. Tonight, I’m not going to worry about the polling numbers. I’m just going to have fun and see if I can get some viral moments. Mama needs a ‘gif’. Gonna tell my kids this is Michelle Obama. [Cut to a twitter meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mayor Pete, you’re looking adorable tonight in your little suit.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Thank you. Thank you. It’s from my first communion.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: You’re polling at zero with black voters. Any idea why?

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: Maybe just because of like this.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders, you’re looking—

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Cheers and applause] I want to begin by thanking you all for the well wishes. I did have a heart attack-ack-ack-ack. So, you ought to know by now, I’m doing better than ever. Doctors were surprised I made it. And I’m very proud of the fact that I was the first heart attack patient to show up in the emergency room in a city bus.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Let’s go now to senator Klobuchar.

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

[Cheers and applause]

Amy Klobuchar: Thank you Rachel. I know some of you think I’m shaking because I’m nervous, but that’s just my signature quivering bang. It’s my spidey sense that tingles whenever we need a moderate to say, “Girl, we can’t pay for that.”

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Biden, you’re flashing your teeth at me?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: I just want everyone to know America, I see you. And I see the faces you all make when I talk. You’re scared. Scared I’ll say something off-color or even worse—on color. What I want you to know is you should be scared because I’m always one second away from calling Cory Booker ‘Barack’.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Okay, I’d like to respond, but first because this is the only time I’ll be talking I just want to say black church, barber shops, greens, beans, tomatoes, potatoes. Now to vice president Biden, I was stunned to hear you don’t support the legalization of marijuana. In fact, rehearsed joke, I thought you were high when you said it.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Let me tell you a story from my youth, or maybe from a movie or a cartoon. It was with a buddy of mine who got so whacked on the sticky-icky kush, he says, “I’ve a great idea. We ought to go to white castle.” Next thing you know, Kumar and I are driving around high as kites with Neil Patrick Harris and that’s before he was gay. That’s why I never puffed the stuff.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Andrew Yang who I can tell is already mad he hasn’t talked yet.

[Cut to Andrew Yang]

Andrew Yang: No, not at all. It’s me Andrew Yang. I want to say what up to my yang gang? Hey, what do you say we get a yang gang bang going, huh? I want to take this opportunity to announce my VP, the new Tesla cyber truck.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: We also want to welcome Tom Steyer.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Hi, guys. I’m billionaire Tom Steyer. And I’m running for president for a simple reason—it’s fun. And it gets me out of the house.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: I’m sorry, Mr. Steyer. My producers are telling me you have to blink.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I have to do what?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Blink. You have to blink at some point.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Oh, no, I do not. And I will not.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Did somebody say billionaire?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. Mayor Bloomberg, how did you get in here?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I tipped the doorman $30 million.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Does this mean you are officially running for president?

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I’d be heard to beat. I’d love to see Trump supporters come up with a conspiracy theory  about a Jewish billionaire with his own media company. Good luck making that stick.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And let’s introduce underdog candidate and tonight’s villain, Tulsi Gabbard.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: Thank you, Rachel. What an honor it is to be on this stage with my fellow candidates. I want you to know that I smell your fear and it makes me stronger. I’m wearing the white suit of your fallen hero Hillary Clinton. Now fight me, cowards.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Harris, would you like to respond?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Tulsi, I’m going to be real with you. You scare the hell our of me. You just gave me Ermahgerd, Gersbermps. [Posing for a meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Our next question is for senator Klobuchar. Do you think you can get the funding to stay in this race?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: I know I can. I’ve got $17,000 from ex-boyfriends. All I had to do was threaten to come back in their lives.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That brings us to tonight’s next topic which is health care.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders presses the buzzer first. Elizabeth Warren is trying the buzzer more than one time.]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. I don’t know how you got buzzers, but Bernie rang in first.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Here’s my plan for health care. No co-pay. No out of pocket. The only thing that comes out of my pockets are tissues, receipts, loose cough drops, a movie stub for ‘Florence Foster Jenkins’ which is so-so. And of course, the little button in the baggie that comes with the pants. Most people throw it out. Do yourself a favor. Hold onto it. You never know.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, you look like you have something to say.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: I want to speak directly to you, America. [Tom Steyer starts walking towards the camera] Health care is important, but housing affects everything.—where you sleep, where you shop, where you get your shoes shined, where you buy jewels, where you raise peacocks. Am I relatable?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Mr. Steyer, I’m gonna need you to take a step back.

[Cut to Tom Steyer]

Tom Steyer: Sorry. Am I too close?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Did somebody say too close? Brother, like your style. Look, I’m supported by that same coalition that elected Obama. Blafrican Americans. Even the Mexitinos and the Chorientals. Heck, the only black woman ever elected to the senate endorsed me.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Excuse me? No, no, Joe. There have been two black women elected to the senate and that second black woman— it me.

[Cut to a tiktok video where Kamala Harris is doing her dance]

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Is there still time for me to come in late and ruin everything?

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: No. We have to move on to closing statements.

[Cut to Michael Bloomberg]

Michael Bloomberg: Wait, I need to quickly throw in some Spanish, because Miguel Bloomberg is En Guego.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Okay. That counts as good-bye for you. We’ll now move on to Mayor Buttigieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg]

Pete Buttigieg: America, I know I can do this because my supporters are a diverse coalition from young to old, gay to straight, white to eggshell. Thank you.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Tulsi Gabbard, time for your closing statement.

[Cut to Tulsi Gabbard]

Tulsi Gabbard: I have no interest in those Dalmatian puppies. [laughing evilly] I yield my time.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Klobuchar?

[Cut to Amy Klobuchar]

Amy Klobuchar: Look, I could say a lot about the issues we have talked about tonight, but the sad thing is you’re not listening to a word I’m saying because you’re just watching my hair dance on my forehead. Excuse me, my eyes are down here, not up here.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Warren that brings us to you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, hey, here’s the thing, guys. It’s November and it’s cussing season. You’re single in your late 30s and I’m a solid option. If it’s Marry, “F”, kill I’m aware I’m not the “F”, but I’m definitely not the kill. So come on, America, put a ring on it.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Senator Sanders?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: As many of you know, a lot of my opponents like to throw the word “Socialist” around for me. But let me ask you, is it fair that only the top 2% often get a free Biscotti with their coffee? We would all love a free Biscotti. You dip it. You dunk it and it’s delicious. So, if it’s socialism, sign me up. Tell me this. Is it fair that when the top 2% want to turn off the lights in their bedroom all they have to do is clap? They’ve got the clappers. Shouldn’t we all have clappers? Either everybody has a clapper or nobody has a clapper, and that’s the America I want to live in.

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Vice president Joe Biden?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: The hearings have made it clear. That Donald Trump doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Vladimir Putin doesn’t want me to be the nominee. Nobody in America wants me to be the nominee. But I am confident I can win the election in 2016.

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: And senator Harris, your closing statement?

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: The democratic party needs to stop taking black women for granted, specifically one black woman—me. I mean ,come on. You said you would vote for me. [Poses for a meme]

[Cut to Rache Maddow]

Rachel Maddow: Well, that’s all the time we have. Tom, take us out.

[Cut to the speakers]

Tom Steyer: [High-fiving everyone] Good game, good game. Good game, good game.