School Board Meeting

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Jane… Cecily Strong

Punkie Johnson

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Mr. Dod… Owen Wilson

Mr. Dod Yang

Jan… Aidy Bryant

Kyle Mooney

Andrew Dismukes

Dog the bounty hunter… Pete Davidson

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez… Melissa Villaseñor

Scary Gary Loomis… Kenan Thompson

Aristotle Athari

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with an channel show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching Lucerne County Community Channel Mr. Dod. Next, a still image of YMCA Youth Soccer Schedule for six days. But now, The District 7 School Board Meeting.

[Cut to the school meeting.]

Ego: Motion passes. The name of Robert E. Lee Middle School will be changed to Robert E. Lee Was Bad Middle School. Now, we know there’ve been lots of questions about the school district’s covid safety policy, so we open the floor to the public. Ma’am?

Jane: Hello. My name is Jane Nordling Smythe! I am concerned and I am also crazy. Let’s begin. The Johnson Johnson and Johnson are from cause a Fauci, okay? And the Fauci’s only part of it. But not on T-Mobile because this, all of this, this is about Israel.

Alex: Ma’am. Do you have a question about the school district’s covid policy or your child’s safety?

Jane: I don’t have a child and I don’t live in this town.

Alex: Then you should not be here. Next!

Punkie: So, I’m confused. My son can’t play football because they say vaccine he got wasn’t valid.

Ego: Okay, well, that was probably an error. Which vaccine did he receive?

Punkie: He got Mike’s Hard vaccine.

Ego: Mike’s Hard vaccine? Yes, that’s definitely not on the approved list.

Chris: [yelling at Punkie] I told you, ma! I told you that gal was lying.

Ego: Okay, next!

Heidi: Hi. I’m so mad, I’m literally shaking right now. Forget covid. The real threat is critical race theory being taught in our schools. My question is what is it and why am I mad about it?

Ego: We are taking questions about the covid protocols. Yes, sir. Hello.

Mikey: Hi there. If a child tests positive, is the school authorized to give them Ivertypacatraz? Which I took and cured my covid in basically half a day.

Alex: What exactly is that?

Mikey: It’s a hormone given to elephants in captivity to boost sperm production and it’s very safe. My son took it and had no adverse effects.

[Cut to his son. He is a kid but he has full grown beard.]

Ego: We are not authorized to administer any treatment. Next.

Mr. Dod: Hi there. I’m Mr. Dod. I teach Earth Science at Robert E. Lee… Was Bad Middle School. And look, I know we’re just trying to keep our students safe but I’ve looked into it and I can’t find any proof that separating students by race is gonna stop covid transmission.

Ego: Is that something you’re doing in class?

Mr. Dod: Yes, and I prefer not to. The science just doesn’t back it up. I mean, not to mention I think it’s frankly a little racist.

Alex: [shocked] It’s a lot racist! And it’s also not part of our covid policy.

Mr. Dod: No. I mean, I’ve got the memo right here. [pulls out a paper] It says… Oh! Okay. I see now it says ‘separate by six feet’, not ‘segregate by six feet’. Okay. That’s my bad. Bonehead alert! Well, I’m glad that mystery solved. It’s been a weird two weeks. Thanks guys.

Ego: We are so getting sued over that. Next!

[9 is just warming up at the table. He is an asian man with white dreadlocks.]

Alex: Sir, do you have a question?

9: [in loud voice] Barack Hussein Obama–

Ego: No! We’re not doing that. Next!

Jan: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-Rang! This is not about the covar virus. It’s is about the high school teens who meet in the parking lot near my home to vape and anal each other.

Ego: Ms. Krang, no! Ah-ah-ah! No, Ms. Krang. Good bye. Hi boys.

Kyle: Hi. We’re juniors at mid high school. Our question is, why can’t we game in class?

Ego: Again. We’re hearing covid safety issues only, but you’re at school to learn, not game.

Andrew: [small voice] Bitch!

[Ego is trying to stand, but Alex holds her down]

Mr. Dod: Sorry, it’s me again. I emailed my class. I told them the separating by race was a big misunderstanding and they actually want to keep it. Is that okay? No, right?

Ego: No.

Mr. Dod: Okay, got you. And you guys are doing a heck of a job. You really are.

Ego: Yes. And you are not. Wait, are you Dog the bounty hunter?

Dog the bounty hunter: Damn right I am! [smoking a cigarette] As you know, I’ve joined the hunt for Brian Laundrie. So my question to you is, do you know where he is? Because I can’t find this dude anywhere.

Ego: We do not.

Dog the bounty hunter: Are you sure? I got no leads on this guy. Either he’s good or I’m bad. One of the two.

Alex: Yes, we will let you know if we see him.

Dog the bounty hunter: Yea, that would mean the world to me, bro.

Ego: Right. And now, folks, this is about the covid policy at the district schools only. Next.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Hello.

Ego: No! Ah-ah! Because I can already tell what you’re about to do or say will not be on topic. No.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: Smart lady!

Alex: Next? Yes, you sir.

Kyle: Yes, hi. I want to know what you are doing to keep my son safe from the lies of Barack Hussein Obama?

Ego: No! No! No more of that! No, what is wrong with you people? Alright, next?

Gary: Oh, it’s just me, Scary Gary Loomis, resident Halloween buff. And I would like to appeal the cancellation of my haunted house in high school gym. It’s only 400 actors dressed as freaky frights, screaming and spitting ooze at the students.

Ego: Gary, that room is unventilated. Appeal denied.

Gary: [angry face] You gonna regret this.

Alex: We won’t. Okay, next.

[three students are there. Two wearing cheer leading dress and one with a guitar]

Melissa: You guys ready?

Chloe: [singing] Science!

Aristotle: [singing] Fear!

Melissa: Which one prevail?

Alex: Sorry! No, I’m sorry. I literally don’t have the energy for whatever this performance is. Anyone else?

[9 comes all hyped up again]

Sir, is this about school district’s covid policy?

[9 nods his head]

9: Hillary Rodham Hussein Clinton!

Alex: No! No!

Ego: I can’t believe we fell for that again. Alright. Any more questions?

[There’s no one at the table] [Gary sneaks at the back of Ego and Alex and shouts in surprise]

Gary: [yelling] Let me do my haunted house!

[Ego and Alex jump scared]

Ego: No! Meeting adjourned.

 

Biden Unites Democrats Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Joe Manchin… Aidy Bryant

Ilhan Omar… Ego Nwodim

Alexandria… Melissa Villaseñor.

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Male voice: And now, a message from the president of the United States, Joseph R. Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden speaking on a podium] [cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Good evening. Fellow Americans, how’s everybody doing? What’s cooking? What’s good? How are you doing? How was everybody’s summer? Mine was bad. Not Cuomo bad but definitely not Afghanistan good. Everyone keeps harassing me about that drone strike. But on the bright side, I went the entire summer without falling down the stairs once. It’s pretty darn good. And hey, Broadway’s back. That’s exciting, right? [cheers and applause] So was the Taliban. So, I win some, lose some.

Unlike our last president, I try staying out of the limelight. I’m like an oil change, you don’t think about me unless you absolutely have to.

Right now, America needs me. Democrats need me. Got a major of structure bell on a historic socio gen, it had to get past. So now, I’m bringing together the democrats like Voltron so they’re all different colors but fundamentally, the robots. On one side, we have the moderate democrats, Kyrsten Sinema from Arizona.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema standing beside Joe Biden]

Kyrsten Sinema: What do I want from this bill? I’ll never tell. Because I didn’t come to congress to make friends. And so far, mission accomplished.

Joe Biden: Is it just me or does she look like all the characters from Scooby Doo at the same time? And another pain in my keister the de facto president of the United States, Joe Manchin from West Virginia.

[Cut to Joe Manchin standing beside Kyrsten Sinema]

Joe Manchin: Yeah, that’s right. I’m a democrat from West Virginia. If I vote for electric cars, they’re gonna kill me.

Joe Biden: On the other side, we have two members of progressive caucus, Ilhan Omar from Minessota

[Cut to Ilhan Omar]

Ilhan Omar: Thank you Joe for not calling me Kamala. For those of you who don’t know me, I was designed in a lab to give Tucker Carlson a heart attack.

Joe Biden: And finally, Alexandria– I’m not going to try to say the whole name. A.O.C. from Nueva York.

[Cut to Alexandria waving her hands] [cheers and applause]

Alexandria: Yes, it’s me, the Cruella of the MET Gala. I wore a dress that said “Tax the rich”, then spent all night partying with the rich. Oops!

Joe Biden: Let’s go through this agenda together because we’re going to realize, “Hey, we’re all on the same page. We’re all singing the same damn thing.”

Alexandria: That’s right. I’m saying we need at least 300 billion in clean energy tax credits.

Joe Manchin: And I’m saying 0.

Joe Biden: See? Same page. There’s a lot of good stuff in this bill like Joe BidenKyrsten Sinema weeks of paid family leave.

Kyrsten Sinema: Six days!

Joe Biden: Six whole days of paid–

Joe Manchin: Well, unpaid.

Joe Biden: Unpaid six whole days–

Kyrsten Sinema: Night.

Joe Biden: Six nights of unpaid family half leave. That’s not a bad compromise, right? And what do you want in return?

Alexandria: What about a child tax credit?

Joe Biden: Great idea! We always said, children shouldn’t pay taxes. It’s a lot of math.

Joe Manchin: But if we give children too much leeway, how are they gonna get them to work in the minds, you know? We need their tiny hands to dig. All the big pieces of coal are gone. We need the little kid fingers to gather the little pieces.

Joe Biden: Okay. Let’s get a little basic. Roads. Everyone okay with roads?

Alexandria: I like roads.

Joe Manchin: Me too. Roads are where trucks live.

Joe Biden: Kyrsten?

Kyrsten Sinema: I want no roads.

Joe Biden: No roads? Why?

Kyrsten Sinema: Chaos!

Joe Biden: Alright! What about water? We’re allotting. Let’s see. 65 billion for water. Wow, that’s a lot of water. Does it come with the mermaid? Just kidding.

[Joe Biden pokes Ilhan Omar with his ankle to let her know of is joke]

Ilhan Omar: No. It was good.

Joe Biden: Yeah. What do you say, Joe? You good with water?

Joe Manchin: I don’t like that taste.

Joe Biden: Fine. Let’s focus on the two things that poll best with all Americans – lowering the price of prescription drugs–

Kyrsten Sinema: No!

Joe Biden: And raising taxes on billionaires.

[Kyrsten Sinema shows her thumbs down on the idea]

Alright then, just tell us Kyrsten. What do you like? What’s good to you?

Kyrsten Sinema: Yellow starbursts, the film “The Polar Express”, and when someone eats fish on an airplane.

Alexandria: But can’t we compromise on anything? Isn’t something better than nothing?

Kyrsten Sinema: Look. As a wine drinking bisexual triathlete, I know what the average American wants. They want to be put on hold when they call 9Joe BidenJoe Biden. They want bridges that just stop, car falls down. They want water so thick, you can eat it with a fork. And I will fight for that no matter what, unless my foot hurts, then I’ll go back to Arizona.

Joe Biden: Fine! Fine! Then we’re gonna talk about one last item on the agenda. Most important one. Trains!

Ilhan Omar: Oh god, again?

Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t take dreams away from me! We need to remind people of the grandeur of American rail travel. The quiet car. The seats are faced backwards. The sliding bathroom doors that don’t quite lock. You open it up, catch a glimpse of an old man on a toilet. The full bottle of gatorade rolling around on the floor of the train. It goes that way, it goes back. Without trains, no American.

Ilhan Omar: I can’t believe I’m saying this to my white boss, it’s gonna be okay.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: It’s gonna be more than okay. Take it from me, governor-ish Andrew Cuomo. Us democrats have had each other’s backs no matter what. We’re like one big Italian family. And you know what Italians like to do? Hug and kiss and run their fingers up each other’s backs. So, let’s all come together– Oh, bad choice of words there. And get this bill pass today. Just like me, it deserves a second chance. And a third chance. And up to at least Joe BidenJoe Biden chances. Oh, and I want to plug my new book. My first one was called “Lessons and Leadership”. And my new one is called “Whoops!”

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: And I’m here to promote my new book, “Sandwiches I have liked and tried”. Hello, I’m Chuck Schumer. You may remember me, but you don’t. I hope you’ve enjoyed our little rap session. Next time you get an email from the democratic party with a scary desperate subject line like “It’s all over, Jennifer. Democracy is dead unless you donate $Chuck Schumer now!”, don’t panic too much. Us democrats are all in this together.

Joe Biden: Hey, we sure are. Because fundamentally, we’re all the same.

Andrew Cuomo: Screw!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Making Man

Mikey Day

Zachariah… Beck Bennett

Isaiah… Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

Anya Taylor-Joy

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Zelda… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Jesus… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with celestials designing human man in heaven. There’s a human man design. It has long hair, mustache and beard and hair all over his body.]

Mikey: Okay, so I just spoke with god and he’s ready to see our design for human man.

Zachariah: Nice.

Mikey: But he wants the team working on human woman to take a look first. So, what’s left to do here? Zachariah, where did you guys land on hair for a human man.

Zachariah: We’re putting it pretty much everywhere.

Mikey: Alright. You still want to put hair in the butt crack?

Zachariah: We like to try it. Yeah.

Mikey: Okay. Just be prepared to defend that choice to god because he will bring that up.

[Team working on human woman walk in]

Anya: Hey. We’re the human woman team. God said we should stop by. [looking at the human man model] Is this human man?

Mikey: Yeah. Come on in. Take a look. I think you’ll like what you see.

Ego: Hmm, okay. And is this final?

Mikey: Well, it’s not done done yet, but…

Ego: Yeah, good.

Aidy: Yeah. It’s interesting. I mean, I see it with one huge toe instead of five.

[the human man design had only one huge thumbs on his feet.]

Mikey: Well, like I said, this isn’t final.

Zelda: I think it’s cool.

Aidy: Zelda, don’t.

Kate: It’s got a lot of hair. Human woman doesn’t have nearly this much.

Zachariah: And human woman is going to be cold all the time. Watch.

Anya: By the way, I don’t know if you guys have heard but we have figured out how to have human woman make food for the baby.

Isaiah: Liar!

Mikey: Isaiah, please. I’m sorry, which part makes the baby’s food?

Anya: Oh yes. The two bumps on the chest. The name might change but right now we’re calling them squeezies.

Kate: Yeah. The squeezies make the milk and it comes out of the nipples.

Ego: May I ask what the nipples on human man do?

Isaiah: That’s an excellent question. The nipples are to create the illusion of a giant face to scare of predators.

Zelda: Cool. That’s really smart.

Aidy: Zelda, that’s enough.

Kate: Sorry, the nipples are the eyes and the mouth is what? The little hole there?

Isaiah: Obviously.

Ego: Okay, you know, maybe human man’s nipples could product milk too. I mean, that would be very–

Isaiah: [angry] They are there to create the illusion of a giant face. I mean they’re giving notes now?

Anya: No. It’s good. But sorry, what’s going on here? Are these reproductive organs?

Mikey: Yup. The dangler and the wrinkle pouch.

Ego: And is that final?

Mikey: Name might change. But we think god will dig the design. As you can see, the dangler uses three different colors of skin. And it can grow and shrink.

Zelda: Wow, that’s fun. Can we see it grow?

Aidy: Okay, Zelda, go wait outside. Go.

Anya: Now, what happens when human man runs. Does the dangler retract? Or…

Zachariah: That’s cute. No. It bounces around and smacks into his legs.

Kate: Won’t that hurt?

Mikey: No, the dangler’s extremely tough. He can squeeze it as hard as he wants. It will be fine.

Ego: And what about the wrinkle pouch?

Isaiah: Oh, that’s extremely sensitive. If you flick it, he will fall over and vomit.

Chris: That was my idea.

Isaiah: Yes, it was.

Kate: Okay. And this contraption can make the sperm needed to fertilize human woman’s eggs?

Mikey: I don’t know. It only makes about a billion a day.

Anya: A billion? What happens if they build up in the wrinkle pouch?

Mikey: Isaiah, you want to take that one?

Isaiah: He gets stupid and goes crazy.

Chris: That was my idea.

Isaiah: Yeah, it was.

Anya: Well, I guess this will have to do. Thanks fellas.

[walking away]

Aidy: What were they thinking?

Ego: Girl, they weren’t.

Mikey: Okay, don’t spin out, guys. We’re fine. Maybe we do five toes instead of one, but otherwise, I think we’re golden.

[Jesus walks in]

Jesus: Oh, the dudes.

Isaiah: Hey, what’s up, Jesus?

Jesus: What if I chill here? I feel like people avoid me because I’m god’s son or whatever. But I’m actually a pretty laid back guy.

Mikey: We’re really busy, Jesus.

Jesus: Oh, good. I’m actually supposed to meet some homies right now. I’ll get out of here.

The Muppet Show

Kermit the frog

Lily Tomlin… Melissa Villaseñor

Audience puppet 1

Audience puppet 2

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Kay

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Disley+, home of Wanda Vision, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and the up coming Hawkeye and his boring ass family. And now, the muppet show.

[Cut to show intro]

Kermit the frog: Thank you, thank you. I am Kermit the frog and once again, to the ‘Muppet Show’. You all having a good time?

[Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1 are two puppets at the audience]

Lily Tomlin: We were. But then you came out.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Our special guest tonight is the legendary actress, singer, write and comedian, Lily Tomlin. Yay!

[Audience puppet 2 walks in]

Audience puppet 2: Oh, please. Come on. Why do I say yes to stuff like this? I don’t know.

Kermit the frog: Wow! I can’t believe Lily Tomlin is here. Talk about a show stopper.

Lily Tomlin: Sounds great. I’d do anything for this show to stop.

Audience puppet 1: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kermit the frog: Friends, our show tonight is going to be a blast.

Audience puppet 1: Yeah. Because it’s a bomb!

Lily Tomlin: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Two securities walk in]

Kenan: Hey! shut up!

Lily Tomlin: Finally, something entertaining is happening.

Kenan: Hey! Shut up!

Keegan: Not going to tell you again, fella!

Kenan: Just shut up.

Keegan: What happens next is up to you.

Kermit the frog: Okay. Tonight, an incredible stunt by Gonzo the great and stand up comedy by Fuzzie Bear.

Audience puppet 1: As in his comedy will make you  stand up and go get a refund.

[Two securities walk in again]

Kenan: Ay! What did I just say?

Keegan: What he just said, fellas?

Audience puppet 1: But the show is–

Kenan: We don’t give a hot damn about the show.

Keegan: We work for the venue.

Kenan: That’s right. And the venue has rules. They are printed on the back of your ticket. Follow them and we won’t have a problem.

Keegan: Everybody here paid a good money to hear this little dragon and his friends do their thing. So please, let them do their thing without talking.

Lily Tomlin: But the show is bad.

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Audience puppet 1: But–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave.

Lily Tomlin: We just–

Keegan: You are more than welcome to leave. Do you understand? Sorry for the interruption, Kramer.

Kermit the frog: Kermit the frog.

Keegan: Okay. Well, please continue.

Kermit the frog: Thanks. So, Lily, are you excited for the show tonight?

Audience puppet 2: Oh, I suppose. They asked me to do a ‘grace and frankie’ parody called ‘grace and piggy’. What is this? Why am I here? I don’t know what I’m doing.

Lily Tomlin: You hear that? She said she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Audience puppet 1: Then she’ll fit right in.

[Keegan comes behind them]

Keegan: Y’all gonna learn! Y’all gonna learn!

[Keegan starts beating up Audience puppet 1. Kenan runs in to stop Keegan.]

Kenan: Alright. Alright. You’re going to kill him.

Keegan: Get your hands off me, man. I’m good. He’s over here being disrespectful.

Kenan: Just drink some water, man, and cool off.

Keegan: Okay. I’ll go get some water.

Kenan: Look, guys. I’m sorry. Alright? Obviously, I’m not a big fan of this show either. I mean, it’s a mess back stage. Dude with orange hair just blowing things up. Penguin and chicken turds everywhere. Too mad cap for my taste. But love it or hate it, no more heckling. Alright? We good?

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, sure. Your friend’s insane, by the way.

Kenan: I know. I know. You okay sir?

Audience puppet 1: My eyes are swollen. I can’t even see the stage!

Lily Tomlin: Don’t worry. You’re not missing much. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Kenan starts beating up Lily Tomlin]

Keegan: You know what? You’re bounced.

Kenan: It’s time to go!

[Kenan and Keegan carry Lily Tomlin and Audience puppet 1]

Keegan: Snap! We didn’t realize you guys didn’t have no legs.

Kenan: Oh man, that is my bad.

Keegan: That’s on me, player. That’s on me.

Kenan: Sorry about that. We didn’t know y’all was veteran.

Keegan: Thank you for your service.

Kermit the frog: Would you guys keep it down up there? We’re trying to do a show.

Lily Tomlin: Yeah, trying and failing.

Kenan: Ha-ha. That one was actually pretty good.

Keegan: Y’all mind if I try one?

Audience puppet 2: Please.

Keegan: Hey, Kramer!

Kermit the frog: What?

Keegan: Hey, Kramer! You stupid!

All: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Keegan: That felt good.

Lily Tomlin: Good first effort.

Prom Show

Katie Sterack… Heidi Gardner

PJ Rube… Bowen Yang

Jacob Schneeb… Keegan-Michael Key

Danny Spooge… Kyle Mooney

Chloe Fineman

Ted Vinegret… Andrew Dismukes

Lexi… Ego Nwodim

Michelle… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Miller… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Live from the Brandy Melville ball room. It’s the Braxton high school prom red carpet.

[Cut to Katie Sterack and PJ Rube. Katie Sterack is holding a crutch.]

PJ Rube: Hello and welcome to this year’s red carpet coverage from Tamar Braxton High senior prom. I’m thirsty junior PJ Rube.

Katie Sterack: And I’m Katie Sterack.

PJ Rube: Katie, what happened to your leg?

Katie Sterack: Oh, I was making out under the bleachers and they folded up on me.

PJ Rube: Rough. Well, here to give us the scoop on what’s happening inside prom is super senior Jacob Schneeb.

[Cut to Jacob Schneeb.]

Jacob Schneeb: What’s up, guys? Schneeb here at the Annie Young Memorial chocolate fountain. She didn’t die. She moved.

PJ Rube: Now Schneeb, this is your third senior year because you’re in every club. But you just can’t pass pre-algebra.

Jacob Schneeb: Yeah, right. I do show choir, calligraphy, and I’m the only one strong enough to toss all the cheer leaders. So, there’s no time for class.

PJ Rube: Thanks, Schneeb. And I’m hearing we have our first arrival. It’s Danny Spooge and a mystery date who is out of his league.

Katie Sterack: Danny, congratulations on a date way hotter than you. Tell us, how did you bag?

Danny Spooge: She’s home schooled. So, she don’t know how hot she is.

PJ Rube: Home schooled. Okay. Then I got to ask. Hippie or crazy religious?

Chloe: Nothing crazy. Our bible is only eight pages and my uncle drew it.

PJ Rube: That’s insane. Schneeb, back to you.

Jacob Schneeb: Well, breaking news. I have a freshman at prom! Kid, tell us who you are and how the hell you’re here?

Ted Vinegret: I’m Ted Vinegret. I’m Katie Sterack4 and I met my date because she babysat me last year.

Jacob Schneeb: So, Ted, you are presenting tonight.

Ted Vinegret: What do you mean?

Jacob Schneeb: I can see your boner.

Ted Vinegret: Oh, sorry.

Jacob Schneeb: It’s fine. Enjoy the night. Back to you guys.

Katie Sterack: Okay. We’re here with a big group of popular kids.  Where did you take pictures tonight?

Lexi: We lined up in front of my step mom’s huge TV. We made it look like a fireplace.

Chris: Then we piled into a nasty white Hummer limo. I poked my head out of the roof and just screamed.

Beck: Yes. First, we stopped for beautiful 4PM dinner at Red Robin. Tipped 12% because we ballers.

PJ Rube: Lexi, you look absolutely disgusting tonight.

Lexi: Thank you.

PJ Rube: What are you wearing?

Lexi: Green.

PJ Rube: Who is it by?

Lexi: Mall.

PJ Rube: Okay. Can you explain this peekaboo moment here? [pointing at her dress]

Lexi: Oh! I don’t have a mom so no one’s honest with me.

Katie Sterack: Before you go. Any prom king prediction?

Beck: Me because I’m on lacrosse but I also did the plays.

Katie Sterack: Absolutely. Schnebe, what you got cooking?

Jacob Schneeb: Well, it doesn’t get any more prom than this. It’s two dorks who bang. Now, I got to tell you, there are a lot of dorks who bang, what makes you two special?

Aidy: Well, we met in stage crew, but then we discovered that we’re both in band.

Mikey: And yes, now we have full sex everyday.

Jacob Schneeb: Oh, wow. Congratulations. So, tell us about the ribbon you’re wearing. What is is raising awareness for?

Aidy: My mom’s ribbon store.

Jacob Schneeb: Oh, of course. Which reminds me, tonight’s prom is brought to you by Water Bottles! Put the alcohol in the bottle and say it’s water! Strapless bra, by the end of the night, your bra is a belt with a strapless bra! And of course, Hand Stuff, stay pure by doing Hand Stuff. Katie.

Katie Sterack: Okay. I’m being told that party bus has unloaded. Let’s see who’s just got in the prom.

PJ Rube: It’s Michelle Shugi. Michelle, you got a really intense spray tan. Are you worried this is a hate crime?

Michelle: No. I’m Puerto Rican. So, we in the clear.

PJ Rube: Quick moving, Shugi, because here comes Mr. Miller, the hot stuff who’s 23.

[Mr. Miller walks in]

Katie Sterack: We heard you’re doing the SATs this year, is that true?

Mr. Miller: Yeah, or I might just put on Tokyo Drift.

Katie Sterack: Mr. Miller, I had a dream that you pushed me in the pool. How f’ed up is that?

Mr. Miller: Not that F. Anyway, I should head inside. I’m supposed to be the Chaperone.

Jacob Schneeb: Well, guys, I just got some terrible news. I passed pre-algebra and now I have to graduate.

Katie Sterack: Ah, Schneeb!

PJ Rube: We’re so sorry.

Jacob Schneeb: It’s okay. All I ask is…

[singing] Don’t you forget about Schneeb

No More Masks Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Punkine Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Pete Davidson

Chris Redd

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci at a podium of press conference] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: It’s your boy Fauci, the patron saint of Purell. As you’ve probably heard, we’ve got some very good news this week and I’m not just talking about J-Lo and Ben Affleck. The CDC announced that people who are vaccinated no longer need to wear a mask. Outdoors or indoors. Pretty great, right? But a lot of people have questions. Such as – What does that mean? What the hell are you talking about? Is this a trap? So, to clear things up, I found a few doctors at the CDC who minored in theater and I asked them to re-enact various scenarios to demonstrate correct mask behavior. And remember, they only have 24 hours to put this little show together. So, please welcome the CDC players and their first scene, man walks into a bar.

[Aidy and Beck are standing. Aidy is not wearing a mask while Beck is wearing a mask.]

Aidy: Welcome to a bar.

Beck: Thank you. Do I still have to wear a mask indoors?

Aidy: You actually do not.

Beck: Great! [opens his mask]

Aidy: Well, as long as you’re vaccinated.

Beck: No, I’m not.

Aidy: Oh, then that’s bad.

Beck: Well, I’m entering a bar at Dr. Anthony FauciDr. Anthony FauciAM. Did you really think I was Vaxed? Because that’s on you.

Aidy: You’re right. I deserve covid.

Beck: And scene.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. I don’t know if that’s the right takeaway. The real point is we have to trust each other. So, please be honest and respectful. Let’s see how that plays out. And on our next scene, the friendly skies.

[Cut to Bowen and Ego. Bowen is wearing a mask and Ego is not wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Stewardess, may I have another scotch on the rocks? I’m a businessman and I need it to relax from business.

Ego: You can have a scotch, but when you’re not drinking it, you need to keep your mask on.

Bowen: Good to know. By the way, I’ve been stuck inside for over a year. Want to bang?

Ego: You know I do, king.

Bowen: Then hop on. Let’s go for a real ride.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Stop this. Thank you. The lesson should have been you need masks on planes, not everybody horny now. A lot of folks are also wondering about larger groups or gathering. So, let’s see an example of that.

[Cut to Alex and Cecily. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Alex: I’m concerned. This is a pretty large gathering. Should we be wearing masks?

Cecily: We don’t have to because we’re outside … the Capitol building. [pulls out a gun] Now, let’s get them.

Alex: [wears MAGA hat on] Right behind you.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That was very specific example but accurate in terms of masks. Now, what about retail businesses? How do you protect front line workers who may or may not be vaccinated. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Lauren and Punkie. Both of them are not wearing a mask.]

Punkie: Hi there, can I come into your store?

Lauren: Yes. But I’m still asking customers to wear masks respectfully.

Punkie: But I don’t need a mask. I’m gay.

Lauren: And I’m an ally. Come on in. The first hotdog is on me.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. That’s not how that works. Being an ally is great but it’s got nothing to do with mask safety. Also, she run a hotdog store? That left me with more questions than answer. Okay, next, we have two young folks who started dating during the pandemic.

[Cut to Andrew and Chloe. They are both wearing masks]

Andrew: This is exciting. We’re dining outside, so we can definitely take our masks off.

[both of them pull their masks off]

Chloe: Oh, no. I don’t like the bottom of your face. It looks like you grew moles under your mask.

Andrew: So, mask back on?

Chloe: No. It’s too late. I already saw it. Now, it’s all I can think about.

Andrew: Then what if you put your mask over your eyes?

Chloe: [covers her face with the mask] Ah! That’s nice. You look like a blue man.

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: And freeze! [Andrew and Chloe stops moving] We cut to an actual blue man’s apartment. His roommate’s like, “Ah, can you stop it with drumming? I’m trying to get some sleep.”

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: I think that’s the doctor that takes improv classes because that’s what everyone wants the doctor to do. Improvise. Alright, next we have a delicate situation riding New York city transit.

[Cut to Melissa and Pete. Melissa is wearing a mask and Pete is not wearing a mask.]

Pete: Wow, I’m so excited to be back on the subway.

Melissa: Me too. But you should know, masks are so required on buses, ferries and subways.

Pete: Oh, cool. But my question is where should I masturbate? Because buses, ferries and subways all sound like great options.

Melissa: You shouldn’t do that anywhere, sir.

Pete: Don’t worry. I’ll put a mask on it first.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: He missed a golden opportunity to say, “Thanks for the tip.” Another big question mark is schools. Maybe this will help.

[Cut to Cecily and Chris]

Chris: Hi. I’m here to pick up a student. Do I need to put on a mask?

Cecily: No. Fully vaccinated parents do not need a mask.

Chris: But do I need to be a parent?

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No. No. Stop. We’re going to stop that one already. Thank you. And this next one, I’m told is more of a riddle.

[Cut to Kyle, Kenan, Heidi and Mikey]

Kenan: Hi. We’re four friends from three different households.

Mikey: We’re all half vaxed and traveling by train from Florida to the UK.

Kyle: One of us is old and severely at risk.

Heidi: And one of us is a baby.

Kenan: So, how many of us should wear masks and in which order?

Kenan: And go!

[four of them start shuffling their places] [Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: No idea what’s that supposed to demonstrate. And now, it’s time for the big finale entitled ‘Society is good again, a vision for the future’.

[Cut to Beck, Aidy, Ego and Bowen dancing]

Beck: Wow, everything is fine now.

Aidy: eVerybody got the vaccine. So, we never need masks again.

Bowen: I’m using my old mask as a parachute for my hamster.

Ego: I’m using two of mine as a bikini

Beck: I’m using one of mine as a bikini.

Aidy: I guess when we come together as a society, we can solve anything.

All: Whoo!

Beck: Now, let’s talk about Israel.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. That seems like a good place to end. So, in summary, please, everyone get your vaccine and enjoy life with no masks. Except this audience, you got to keep them on.

[other casts join\

All: An life from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Ooli Show

Barn… Mikey Day

Ooli… Chloe Fineman

Ragnorok… Elon Musk

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

Steve Buscemi… Pete Davidson

Bjork… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Iceland Public Television.

[Cut to show intro]

Male voice: Pop culture. Bops. Celebrities. Games. Candy. It’s the “Ooli show”.

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: And now, let meet host, Iceland’s number one social media star, Ooli.

[Cut to Barn]

Ooli: Hello and welcome to the Ooli show. Pretty cool. I’m Ooli and this is my side guy, Barn.

Barn: We got big show today, Ooli.

Ooli: So cool. Iceland’s number one comedy duo is here. Thobo and Graptor.

[Cut to Ragnorok and Frances. They just groan.] [Cut back to Ooli]

Ooli: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hilarious. So, you have a good weekend, Barn?

Barn: Yes. I visited my elf shrine, Ooli. I left a tiny sausage for them.

Ooli: Aw, so cute. You have to keep the elfs happy or they spill your shoes. Oh, I see my producer Ragnorok is trying to get my attention. What’s wrong? Did I mess something?

Ragnorok: You? Ha-ha-ha. Never. I just can’t hold it any longer, Ooli. I’m in love with you. Please, will you be my girlfriend?

Ooli: Aw, Ragnorok, you’re so silly. But no. Okay, time to say, “What’s up, y’all?”, to our big celebrity star, Frances McDormand.

[Frances walks in. Barn, Ooli and Ragnorok are dancing]

Frances: Are you going to stop dancing or are we–? [They don’t stop] Okay.

Ooli: Yeah! [after dancing a while, Ooli and Barn take their seats] So, Frances, welcome to the ‘Ooli Show’. What’s bringing you to Iceland?

Frances: I’m here to buy more Gray Sack dresses. Ha-ha-ha. I’m out of Gray Sacks.

Ooli: Wow. Pretty cool.

Frances: So, what is this? People really watch this show?

Ooli: Yes. Well, I was just like this normal Icelandinc girl. But then tit popped out during Prince Phillip funeral. So, now they gave me show. Lucky, it was my good tit. So, tell me about your movie “Nomad Land”.

Frances: Well, you know, it’s a look at how the great recession impacted the American dream.

Ooli: Oh, wow. That sound boring. Okay, time for a quick hat. [Ooli wears a red hat] Is my hat funny?

Barn: [laughing alone] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah! Frances?

Frances: Uh, yeah, sure.

Ooli: And now, a very quick word from our sponsor, Barn?

Barn: Well, the Ooli show is sponsored by “Cousin Checker” app. How many times have you found out too late that your lover is your cousin? In Iceland, it happens a lot. Cousin Checker tells you if you’re cousins before you get passed second base. Download now.

Ooli: Okay, Ragnorok, you keep waving your arms. Don’t ask me to be your girlfriend again.

Ragnorok: No, I promise.

Ooli: Okay good, go ahead.

Ragnorok: Be my girlfriend. I have a little bit of money but lots of goats and ponies.

Ooli: Okay. I love ponies. They’re very, very cute. But still, a hard no. Okay. Let’s bring out our next guest. Give a big hand to our American movie guest, Steve Buscemi.

[Steve walks in. Barn and Ooli are dancing]

Frances: Yes. So, since he’s here, can I leave? Because I would love to leave.

Ooli: No way. You have to stay the whole time. So, Steve Cemi, you seem like a cool American guy like Bart Simpson. Bad boy Bart Simpson kind of guy, yes?

Barn: Yeah. Like, American kind of Scooby Doo kind of guy. Roller Coaster Pizza Pie guy.

Steve: Thanks.

Ooli: You have a new movie coming out?

Steve: No, I don’t.

Barn: Wow, so cool. Okay, Ragnorok, what now?

Ragnorok: Ooli, I think of all the good times we could have, eating fermented calk in the nude.

Ooli: Okay, Ragnorok, stop. Cousin Check told us we were cousins.

Ragnorok: Exactly. We have so much in common.

Ooli: Ha-ha. Awkward. Now, we have one more special surprise. It’s a little baby song. Please welcome Iceland’s most and only famous musician, BJork!

[Cut to BJork] [music playing]

BJork: This song is about tiny, tiny bird.

[singing badly] Hi, little tiny bird
with a giant heart

Thank you.

Ooli: Wow. Beautiful. After the break, with more Steve and Frances.

Frances: Oh, I still can’t leave?

Ooli: No. No way. Stick around for more Ooli show. Bye bye.

 

Gen Z Hospital

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Nurse… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Doctor… Elon Musk

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the thrilling conclusion of Gen Z Hospital.

[Cut to three people waiting in a hospital]

Mikey: Well, nobody’s telling us anything, is bestie going to be okay?

Ego: Nurse, we demand to know how our bestie is doing.

[nurse is wearing pink outfit and she had her hair dyed pink]

Nurse: I’m sorry, bro, I told you I don’t have that information yet.

Kate: Bro, seriously?

Bowen: I’m so pressed right now, bro.

Nurse: Don’t be pressed. Doctor will be in shortly, bro. Dead ass.

Heidi: Yo! If this doctor keeps leaving us on red, he’s going to catch hands on gang.

Ego: Na, na, it’s gonna be okay. Bestie cannot die like this.

Mikey: Big facts. She’s gonna make it, bro.

Kate: There’s the doctor now.

[doctor walks out]

Doctor: Is this Mogan’s squad?

Bowen: Gang, gang.

Kate: Doctor, please tell us what’s up with our bestie?

Doctor: You all might wanna sit down. What I have to say right now would be a little cringe.

Heidi: Just give us the tea.

Doctor: Okay. Well, as you may have seen it on our live, your bestie took a major L while driving her hellcat.

Bowen: Yeah, we saw.

Doctor: We tried everything we could in surgery and it was a sus for a while. But we have your bestie on our machine and we’re doing everything we can.

Kate: So, bestie is going to be okay, right?

Doctor: I’m sorry, but at this particular time, that’s looking like cap.

Mikey: Bro!

Heidi: Bro, can we see her?

Doctor: Unfortunately, not right now, bro. You know the vibes. But I promise if anything changes, I’ll pull up.

Mikey: Say less, bro.

Ego: And thank you, doctor. You a real one.

Kate: We stan you.

Doctor: And I stan you. I can only imagine the feels you’re going through right now. if you’ll excuse me.

Mikey: Bro! I’m extra salty right now. How could bestie be so irresponsible?

Bowen: Yo, millions of people flip their hellcat on live everyday cuh!

Ego: Yeah, you know that could have happened to anyone in the game.

Ego: I know, but when it’s bestie, it just hits different.

Mikey: Yeah, specially since bestie is my mom.

Bowen: Yo, she’s not just your mom.

Heidi: She is all our work moms.

Kate: Exactly. But please, go off, king.

Mikey: But she’s actually my mother, bro. So, it’s like a little different.

Ego: High key, it’s not though.

Bowen: Yeah. Take several seats respectfully, flaw!

Kate: Look, the doctor’s coming back in.

Doctor: Hey guys, so, big yikes. While I was out here trumping up with you, your bestie took a turn for the worst.

Mikey: Bro!

Heidi: You capping!

Doctor: Unfortunately, no cap. She’s literally dead right now.

Kate: So, she’s laughing?

Bowen: That’s good news.

Doctor: No. I mean she’s literally dead. Dead dead.

All: Bro!

Bowen: I pretend I do not hear it.

Heidi: Bro! I am so done right now!

Mikey: I am so dead that she is dead. Can we see her?

Doctor: Of course, but please, try not to get all extra. Sis?

[Nurse walks in with an urn]

Mikey: Bro, you already cremated her?

Doctor: No, this is empty.

Nurse: This just looks way better for the gram than a dead body.

Kate: That urn is really iconic.

Bowen: Fire.

Doctor: Take all the time you need.

[Doctor passes the urn to Mikey]

Mikey: Thanks, bro. I guess we should all say something, right? It’s the unconditional support and being a great mom for me.

Bowen: It’s the having 200,000 followers for me.

Kate: It’s the always doing donuts in your hellcat for me.

Heidi: It’s letting NBA Young Boy smasher all-star weekend for me.

Ego: It’s the “always bringing back henny from vacation” for me.

Doctor: Well, I don’t know. But it’s “I have full coverage” for me.

Mikey: That was beautiful, doctor bro. Alright, let’s get a pic. Come on. Crowd in.

[They all take a group selfie.]

Chad on Mars

Elon Musk

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Miley Cyrus

Mitchen… Mikey Day

Chad… Pete Davidson

[Starts with people having intense moment at Space-X headquarters]

Elon Musk: I came as soon as I could. What’s the situation at Mars?

Melissa: A solar storm. Biggest we’ve ever seen. It caused significant damage to the colony.

Chris: And the life support systems are down. They’re running out of air, sir.

[Cut to people at the Mars colony.]

Miley: The oxygen is dropping fast.

Elon Musk: There’s a back up O2 circulator outside of the habitat. One of them just needs to turn it on.

Melissa: The radiation levels outside are too high. It would be a suicide mission.

Mitchen: Sir, one of the colonist has volunteered. He’s on box now.

Elon Musk: So, there are still heroes in this world. Hello, who am I speaking to?

Chad: Chad!

Elon Musk: Chad, this is Elon Musk.

Chad: Who?

Elon Musk: Elon Musk. I’m in charge of the whole Mars colonization project.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Elon Musk: Chad, I want to make sure that you understand you won’t survive this mission.

Chad: Okay.

Elon Musk: To save your fellow colonists, you have to make ultimate sacrifice.

Chad: Ha-ha, sack.

Mitchen: Chad, this is Mitchen with ground command. Make your way to the airlock and begin exit procedures.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad wears the suit and walks towards the exit door. Miley walks to him.]

Miley: Chad. Aren’t you gonna say goodbye?

Chad: Bye!

Miley: Chad, I’ll always cherish what we’ve had together.

Chad: Okay.

Miley: Oh god, I wish we could make love just one last time.

[Chad takes off his space suit]

Chad: Sick.

Miley: But we can’t.

Chad: It’s all good.

Miley: Chad, there’s something that you should know before you go. I’m pregnant.

Chad: Oh, congrats.

Miley: The baby is your’s. You’re gonna be a father chad.

Chad: No, thank you.

[Chad presses the button and the door closes] [Chad walks outside]

Mitchen: Alright, Chad, I’m going to walk you through the procedure step by step. How do you feel?

Chad: Balls are sweaty.

Mitchen: I’m sorry to hear that. Before we turn the oxygen supply on, we need to vent the carbon dioxide. What’s the pressure reading on the tank?

[The pressure reading is 80085]

Chad: Boobs.

[disturbance]

Mitchen: Ah, you broke up a little there. But this is very important. You’ll need to pull the release lever slowly because of the pressure–

[Chad pulls out the release lever at once. It blasts and this Chad.]

Mitchen: Chad, are you alright?

Chad: All good.

[Chad walks to the circulator and presses the button]

Female voice in the colony: Oxygen levels restored.

Chris: O2 levels are climbing. He did it.

[everyone’s clapping]

Elon Musk: Make the feed public. Everyone needs to see this.

[The video of Chad is broadcasting everywhere.]

Elon Musk: Chad, the world can see you right now. Do you have anything you want to say?

Chad: [farts] Safety.

Elon Musk: Let the camera get a good look at your face, Chad. I want the world to see the man who gave everything to ensure that humanity’s future will be among the stars.

Chad: Okay

[Chad is trying to open is helmet]

Mitchen: No, no, no, don’t take your–

[Chad pulls off his helmet. His head bursts.]

Miley: Oh, damn!

Elon Musk: Well, I did say people are going to die. I was never here.

Boomers Got the Vax

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Kenan Thompson

Maya Rudolph

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

E-dith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with video clips from the news]

Newscaster: A majority of baby boomers have been vaccinated. Have been vaccinated.

[music playing]

Have been vaccinated, vaccinated
Vaccinated, vaccinated, vaccinated

Chris: Baby boomers, greatest generation
Got all the money, now we got the vaccination
Crash the economy, three whole times
But when it comes to the vax, we the first in line

Mikey: Got a job out of college, no student debt
Retirement funded, 100%
Voted for Trump, but just for the taxes
Don’t believe in Covid, still got the vaxes

Kyle: Pzifer, Moderna, I know you wur-na
Get one, but you gotta wait your tur-na
I get to the vax site, I get what I want son
You get what’s left bitch – Johnson & Johnson!

All: Money, stacked
Pants, khaks
Arm, vaxxed
No, mask

Chris: Biggest generation, ain’t no stopping me
Never gonna die, draining social security

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
No rumors, just facts, yeah
Give it up if you’re 70+
Everyone else gettin’ jealous of us, jealous of us

Kenan: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(How you livin’ ladies?)
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Baby Boomer
(Hah)

Maya: Ow! Covid can’t touch me now
Low mask in the store, nose poking out
When it’s time to pay, I whip the coupons out
Even though I got the stimmy in the bank account

Aidy: Y’all can’t see? Lemme give you a clear sense
We out here spending your inheritance
You in the parking lot eating by the trash right
We in the booth reading menus with the flashlight

Kate: Yeah, I know you missed us
Might book a trip on the Diamond Princess
Eat all the food, drink all the booze
Sail all the cruise, while you still on the Zoom

AllJob, retired
Climate, deniered
License, expired
But we still on fire

Maya: Stop by my house
Give my grandkids a hug
Now get the f— out
I’m tryna have fun!

Melissa: The boomers got the vax
Everyone else get to the back (get back), yeah
We comin’ first like we always do
We jumpin’ in front of you, and you, and you (And uh)
And you (And uh), and you (Uh), and you (Uh)

Kenan: I-M-M-U-N-I-T-Y
That’s what I got, I got bodies-anti
I got the shot, that’s just how it is
You locked inside, homeschooling my grandkids
I know you wanna live large like me
I got the big ass house and the SUV
I got the second house too, and the third house, three
And the place in Vermont, and one in Miami
Damn, I got five houses?
That’s a lot. Hm, good for me.

Chris: Hit the links with the drinks for another golf sess
You on the vax website hittin’ the refresh
You whine and cry while we dine inside
We run the world since 1945, hah!

Mikey: Me? I spend my time playing tennis
Two things that don’t work, me and my pen-is
My shirt (What about it?), you know it’s gettin’ tucked
And my wife (What about her?), she left me (Oh)

E-dith Puthie: Hold up, hold up, I ain’t had my say yet
Yo, tell ’em what my name is

KenanEdith, Edith, Edith, Edith
E-dith Puthie!

E-dith Puthie: Edith Puthie on the track, you know I’m vaxxed out
Pop a Cialis, come throw yo’ back out
Hands in the air like your shoulder don’t hurt
Drop that ass to the floor like your knees still work

Melissa: Boomers got the vax, uhh
Boomers got the vax

Kenan: It is what it is sucka