Tag: season 46

Opening Credits Songs

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Anya Taylor-Joy… Melissa Villaseñor

David Harbour… Beck Bennett

Julie Andrews… Cecily Strong

Nicholas Braun… Pete Davidson

Gillian Anderson… Kate McKinnon

Kim Cattrall… Chloe Fineman

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

Kelsey Grammer… Alex Moffat

John Krasinski

[Starts with Nicole Kidman’s intro]

Male voice: If you’ve watched “The Undoing”, you might have noticed that one of the stars of the show, Nicole Kidman, sang the theme song.

Nicole Kidman: [singing] Why am I alone, it’s blue as can be (my son)
dream a little dream of me

Did you notice my coat?

Male voice: We did. Inspired by Nicole, stars of your other favorite shows now singing their theme songs on ‘Now that’s what I call theme songs sung by the stars of the show’. So, enjoy this original theme song that was cut from the opening of “The Queen’s Gambit”.

[Cut to Anya Taylor-Joy]

Anya Taylor-Joy: [singing] Chess and drugs and drugs and chess
girl playing chess, then doing drugs
then playing chess
now when you see people playing chess
now you will know, they’re on drugs

Male voice: And hey, if you like Stranger Things, you’ll love the new season four opening credits performed by Sheriff Jim “Hop” Hopper.

[Cut to David Harbour]

David Harbour: [singing] Welcome to the 80s, I’m about to blow your mind
in Hawkins, Indiana, scary aliens you’ll find
lots of kid actors but they’re actually good
there’s something strange in your neighborhood

Oops! That’s Ghostbuster, girl!

Male voice: And Julie Andrews, the narrator of “Bridgerton”.

[Cut to Julie Andrews]

Julie Andrews: [singing] Sex, lots of color blind sex
sex, we put on costume for sex
but why do these opening credits
look like a screensaver from the 90s? 

Male voice: And wow, check out Cousin Greg from “Succession” lending his own unique style to their theme song.

[Cut to Nicholas Braun]

Nicholas Braun: [singing] Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Succession

Male voice: And what about Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher singing the theme song for “The Crown”?

[Cut to Gillian Anderson]

Gillian Anderson:  [singing] This is the crown

Alright

Male voice: Pretty sure that was the theme song from “The Voice”. And you’ve probably heard the rebooting “Sex and the City”. Kim Cattrall is not in the new show but she does sing the theme song.

[Cut to Kim Cattrall]

Kim Cattrall: [singing] Sex an the City without Samantha
doesn’t that sound fun?
it’s Sex and the City without the sex
hope you enjoy the city

Ah!

Male voice: And don’t miss the opening theme to “The Mandalorian” as performed by Baby Yoda.

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha.
oh, yeah, what?
turn it up, turn it up, yo
Yo, come on, now, yo
Mandolorian, native Californian

Enough! This beat is whack! I got to wrap to this? Come on, now?

Male voice: And now that Frasier is back on Pika, Kelsey Grammer has release a brand new version of the theme song. But he has modernized the lyrics as only Kelsey Grammer can.

[Cut to Kelsey Grammer]

Kelsey Grammer: [singing] Hey, maybe I hear you Instagramming,
TikTok salads and Twitter eggs
Reddit

Male voice: And finally, John Krasinski sings the long lost lyrics to the original “The Office” theme song which he wrote himself.

[Cut to John Krasinski]

John Krasinski:[singing] Scranton,Scranton, Scranton,
Scranton, Scranton, Scranton, Scranton
that’s where we all live and work
that’s a calculator
there’s Dwight, he’s the bad guy
and the hero’s name is Jim
highlighting, that’s his girlfriend
that guy’s on the phone,
tie flip, then there’s me again
then Carell does the trophy thing
the office

Male voice: Stars sing the songs from the shows they’re on. Available wherever I am. Come and find me.

John Krasinski Monologue

John Krasinski

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Krasinski.

[John Krasinski walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

John: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow! I am so honored to be hosting the first show of 2021. I genuinely cannot tell you what a huge deal it is for me to be here right now. I have been watching this show since I was eight years old. I was trying to explain that to my kids, what I was doing this week, and I told them, “You know how your favorite show is PAW Patrol? My favorite show is SNL. So, for me, it’s like I’m on PAW Patrol.” And they were like, “What? You’re on PAW Patrol?” And I said, “No, no, no.” They were like, “Oh, well then call us when you’re on PAW Patrol.” So, to actually be here now on this historic stage is nothing sort of mind blowing for me because–

Alex: [from the audience] Hey! Hey, Jim. I have a question.

John: Okay. I guess we’re doing questions now.

Alex: So, my question is you’re Jim from the office?

John: No. I’m actually John. But yes, hello.

Alex: Okay. Follow up question. To the office!

John: I’m not actually sure what that would even look like.

Alex: Hey. Where’s Pam?

John: Alright. Pam is a fictional character. That is where she is. But I am here and I am so excited to be on this stage with all of you. My wife Emily Blunt actually hosted few years ago and she has some great advice. She said, “John, when you go–

Ego: [from the audience] Hi, Jim.

John: Hi. Another question.

Ego: You look different.

John: Thank you very much. I’ve been working out for the part of Jack Ryan. Thank you. Obviously not enough, but —

Ego: No. Yeah, you need to stop it.

John: Stop working out? I’m sorry.

Ego: Yes. Jim is soft.

John: Okay. Well, that’s not really a question.

Ego: Jim sits all day. When you touch Jim, your hand goes in like memory foam.

John: Okay. I’m sorry. But ma’am, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going to talk to you anymore.

Kenan: I got a question.

John: Okay.

Kenan: Kiss Pam.

John: Alright. None of these things are really questions, though. Are they?

Kenan: I need you to kiss Pam, that is what I need to see today.

John: Alright. Guys, here’s the deal. Pam’s not real. She’s played by Jenna Fisher. We are friends. We are married to other people.

Kenan: Is your wife here?

John: No. Actually, she’s back in the UK.

Kenan: Well, then kiss Pam.

John: I’m so sorry. Lorne, is there something we can do about all these questions?

[Pete Davidson walks in the stage]

Pete: Hey, John. How are you doing?

John: Hi. Good. It’s going good. It’s going great.

Pete: Oh, I’m sorry, man, about this. I think what’s happening is everyone’s been stuck inside for a year watching “The Office” non-stop. So, Jim and Pam are like, really real for them.

Kenan: Is that Pam?

John: No. Clearly, this isn’t Pam. This is Pete Davidson.

Pete: I think they really need for someone to be Pam.

John: Really? I mean I tried to explain to them that Pam’s not actually–

Pete: I think we gotta give them what they want, Jim. Jim, you gotta kiss Pam.

Alex, Ego, Kenan: Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam!

John: Alright!

[John turns to Pete and kisses him.]

Alex, Ego, Kenan: Yay! Okay, let’s go!

[Alex, Ego, Kenan run away]

John: That did feel really good. Wow. Thank you, Pam. Well, we have a great show for you tonight. Machine Gun Kelly is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Bullies

Damien… Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Punkie Johnson

Nate… Pete Davidson

John Krasinski

[Starts with a boy reading a book in school. Other boys walk up and start bullying him.]

Kyle: What’s up, loser?

Mikey: What you reading there, ass lick? Little comic book?

[Kyle seizes the book from Damien]

Damien: Give it back!

Punkie: Or what? You gonna cry?

Nate: Little bitch is gonna cry.

[John sees them]

John: Hey! Leave my little brother alone.

[John takes the book back and passes it to Damien]

Nate: Alright, John. Whatever, man. Chill.

John: No, I’m not gonna chill, Nate. Because to be honest, I’m sick of dumb asses like you messing with him. So he’s not captain of the football team, so what? This guy is still cool.

Damien: Thanks, John.

John: So what if he’s never kissed a girl? Big freaking deal? This guy practices kissing all the time.

Damien: Not all the time.

John: And guess what? News flash! Our mom says he’s getting pretty damn good at it.

Kyle: Wait, what?

John: Oh, you think he’s weird, right? Why? Because he sleeps in our parent’s bed when he’s scared?

Damien: Sometimes.

John: Or is it because he has to wear prescription charcoal underwear for his medical gas?

Damien: [embarrassed] Busted!

John: I’ll tell you what? I think he’s brave.

Mikey: Yo, this bitch? Brave? I don’t know about that.

John: Oh, you don’t? Okay. Cast your mind, imagine this. Going into the school bathroom and taking a dump so bad, they had to cancel classes.

Damien: No.

John: But still somehow, he shows up to school the next day with his head held high. He did that.

Punkie: That was you?

Damien: No. Maybe.

John: You look at Damien and all you see is a loner. Right? A loser. A kid with a list of jocks name in his wallet.

Mikey: That’s concerning.
John: To you he’s just a kind that won’t take off his shirt in gym class, right?

Damien: Alright, let’s get out of here.

John: But if you had a birthmark shaped like a swastika, you wouldn’t either!

Damien: Please stop.

Kyle: I’m with Damien, John. Maybe just stop.

John: Why? So you can make fun of him again about his inverted nipples?

Punkie: I didn’t even know about that.

John: Or his inverted foreskin maybe?

Nate: Or that.

John: See, maybe if your foreskin grew down toward the base instead of up towards the tip, you would have a little bit of sympathy for what this dude has been through.

Damien: It’s not that weird.

John: 15 surgeries to correct it.

Damien: Minor ones.

John: Constant cleaning, q-tips, alcohol.

Damien: Alcohol! Party time.

John: And still our mom sends him back to have it redone. Why? Because it doesn’t look right.

Damien: Everyone’s a critic.

Mikey: Wait, sorry. Your mom?

John: You know what? He’s my brother. And he’s cool enough for me. Let’s go, Damien.

[When Damien bends over to get his back, his pants are wet.]

Punkie: Oh! He doogied himself!

John: Hey! Don’t think it was your bullying that made him do that. Okay? Because that has been there all day.

Damien: Yeah!

John: Yeah!

Blue Georgia

Sheriff… John Krasinski

Lee… Pete Davidson

Ms. Crystal… Aidy Bryant

William… Beck Benett

Biscuit… Kenan Thompson

Jimmy… Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffatt

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Blue Georgia intro]

Song: Blue Georgia, sweet Blue Georgia
you’re a friend of mine.

[Cut to Sheriff and Lee getting in a restaurant]

Sheriff: Hey there, Ms. Crystal.

Ms. Crystal: Oh, Sheriff. Ain’t you a side?

Sheriff: I just wanted to stop by so you all can meet my cousin, Lee, from out of town.

Ms. Crystal: Well, look at you. Where are you coming from, Lee?

Lee: New York city.

Ms. Crystal: New York city? Well, welcome. Good to see you fellow blue stator. We’re just like y’all.

Lee: I mean, I doin’t know if you’re just like us.

Sheriff: Oh, no. We bet we are. See, Georgia is all blue now. Maybe heard about our election on the news?

Ms. Crystal: Oh, yes. Don’t get me started on the news. I can’t stand that CNN with it’s corporate, neo-liberal, both-sides nonsense. Just give me my Rachel Maddow on MSNBC any day.

Sheriff: A-women to that, Ms. Crystal.

Lee: Okay.

Ms. Crystal: Well so, what are y’all having?

Lee: Well, I heard a lot about southern food, so just give me the special.

Ms. Crystal: Okay, you got it. One avocado, one gluten free toast.

Sheriff: And I’ll have your beyond meat loaf.

Ms. Crystal: Got it.

[Sheriff and Lee sit at a table. There’s William sitting right there.]

William: Sit down, Sheriff. My name is William He-him, but everyone calls me Skeeter.

Sheriff: Skeeter owns the electric truck dealership down yonder.

Ms. Crystal: Yeah, and I’m Crystal. She-ma’am.

Sheriff: And over there is old Biscuit He-him. Down to some good read there, Biscuit?

Biscuit: Oh, yes indeed. Just reading from the good book “Becoming” by Michelle Obama.

Sheriff: Ain’t that a good book? I tell you, ain’t nothing finer than reading on your solar heated porch, sipping lemonade through a reusable metal straw.

Lee: Hey, before we eat, I should wash my hands. You know where the men’s room is?

William: Yes, back in 2015. We don’t have men’s room. But all-gender restroom is just down the way.

Lee: Oh. You guys have all-gender restroom?

William: Oh-oh, Sheriff, I think your cousin thinks we’re all crazy Christian types.

Lee: No, no. I never said that. Even if you, it’s fine. I mean, I’m Jewish.

William: Hold on. You’re Jewish?

Lee: Yeah.

William: Well, I hope you know what we do to Jewish folks down here in Georgia. We elect them. Ha-ha-ha.

Sheriff: Yeah. I don’t know if you heard but we got a 33 year old Jewish senator now. Mazel tov, y’all.

Ms. Crystal: Wow, that Ossoff fellow makes these cheeks a-blush.

Sheriff: Ms. Crystal!

Lee: Where am I?

[Another policeman walks in]

Jimmy: Sheriff! Sheriff!

Sheriff: Now, slow down there, Jimmy. What seems to be the big emergency?

Jimmy: Oh, Sheriff, it was crazy. All these black lives matter folks just came down to the station and wanted to protest in our town. Well, I was just so honored. I filled the permits right away.

Sheriff: Well, that’s mighty kind of you, Jimmy. Tell them they can stop by next week.

Jimmy: Will do. I’m so nervous. Should I wear my bla-shiki?

Sheriff: Now, wouldn’t go doing that, Jimmy. See, you might be appropriate.

[Alex walks in with his MAGA hat on and takes a seat.]

Ms. Crystal: [getting nervous] Well, I never!

[Sheriff walks to Alex]

Sheriff: Excuse me. You lost?

Alex: Um, no. Just want to get something to eat. I’m here from Florida.

Ms. Crystal: Oh!

William: Well, la-di-da!

Sheriff: Sir, I don’t know what they’re teaching over there in Florida, but this here is Georgia. This is Stacey Abrams’ country.

Biscuit: The republic of Stankonia.

William: Birth place of REM and TLC.

Sheriff: Sir, why don’t you let Jimmy here drive you to the state line before any trouble starts.

Alex: Trouble? Don’t bother, I’ll see myself out. [walks to the door and looks back at everybody] Ay, what happened to y’all anyway? Georgia has changed.

Biscuit: Yeah, science is real and love is love. Tell us something we don’t know, sucker!

[Melissa walks in]

Melissa: Excuse me. I’m from the health department. You’ve got a big problem. No one in this entire town is wearing a mask.

Ms. Crystal: Well, that’s coz we’re free!

Jimmy: Hoax!

Lee: Now, that’s Georgia.

Weekend Update- Smokey Robinson on Celebrating the Holidays

Michael Che

Smokey Robinson… Chris Redd

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The holidays are here. As we all know, there are many ways to celebrate. Here to talk to us about that is music legend, Smokey Robinson.

[Smokey Robinson slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Smokey Robinson: [singing] Oh, baby, baby.

Michael Che: Hey, Smokey. Thanks for joining us.

Smokey Robinson: Ah! I bet you didn’t expect me to sing today, did you?

Michael Che: That’s the one thing I definitely thought would happen. Now, smokey, I’m surprised you’re here to talk about the holidays after a cameo went viral of you saying Chanukkah instead of Hanukkah.

Smokey Robinson: Yes, Michael. I did mess up, Michael. But the word, it’s a crazy looking word. In my first grade, teacher always told me to sound it out. And that method has never failed me until now, but it was an opportunity to learn.

Michael Che: What do you mean?

Smokey Robinson: Well, I did some research. The internet has some fantastic resources like Google and Wikipedia. Turns out, it’s not pronounced Chanukkah, it’s Hanukkah. And there’s a whole race of people that have been celebrating it for thousands of years.

Michael Che: Wait. Are you just now hearing about Jewish people?

Smokey Robinson: Hold up. You know about Jewish people already?

Michael Che: Of course, I know about Jewish people. I work in show business.

Smokey Robinson: Oh. You young people are something else. When I was growing up, all we had was white people. Skinny white, fat white, mean white, nice white, off white. That was it.

Michael Che: Smokey, that can’t be true.

Smokey Robinson: It is. I only heard about Jewish people this week. But I’ve been doing a lot of research over the last three days and there’s probably things you don’t know. They are wonderful people, Michael. You hear about– They got their own little hats called ya-moe-keys to show their devotion to god?

Michael Che: You mean yarmulkes.

Smokey Robinson: You say tomato, I say tumortoa.

Michael Che: Nobody says that, Smokey.

Smokey Robinson: Ay, you think you know everything? Well, if you knew the whole story, you wouldn’t have that tone.

Michael Che: What tone?

Smokey Robinson: Michael, I see you smirking because you think the Jewish people had easy road. You think it’s all light in the mano-ran and spinning the draden.

Michael Che: Draden, Smokey?

Smokey Robinson: [singing] Draden, draden, draden
I made you our of clay

Now, although I sound beautiful, it’s more to it than that. I read a pretty bad time with Jewish had went through.

Michael Che: Smokey, I thought you were coming to give us ideas for holiday gifts or something.

Smokey Robinson: Oh, my goodness. You’re right. You’re right. But you gotta realize this season, it isn’t about gifts, Michael. No. It’s about reflecting and loving your life. This year I’m playing to get my children and go to my Jewish place of worship. You may call it a swag along or tem-play and enjoy some potato lash keys and monster ball soup.

Michael Che: Monster balls? I hardly understood what you read and that sounds kind of nice.

Smokey Robinson: Also, I saw your mother. She said she can’t wait to see you on Crimans AV.

Michael Che: Christmas eve?

Smokey Robinson: I don’t know, man.

Michael Che: Smokey Robinson, everyone.

Weekend Update- Michael Che’s Neighbor Willie on the COVID-19 Vaccine

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The vaccine has been rolled out with about a thousand Americans taking it this week, but I don’t know guys. I’m still feeling skeptical. So, to cheer me up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Willie: Hey, Michael. Oh, man. It’s a Christmas miracle. The vaccine is finally here.

Michael Che: I don’t know if I trust this vaccine, Willie.

Willie: Oh, I was skeptical too, Michael. I’ve been searching for that vaccine since March. And I was starting to give up hope.

Michael Che: What do you mean you were searching for the vaccine?

Willie: Well, you know. I’d go down to the city park, pick up some needles up the ground, try them out.

Michael Che: Willie, that is very dangerous.

Willie: Well, Michael, if you want to hit the lotto, you got to crack some eggs.

Michael Che: What?

Willie: Finally, I just got lucky and CEO of Pfizer personally knocked on my window to give me the vaccine.

Michael Che: Are you sure that was the CEO of Pfizer?

Willie: Of course, Michael. Unless that was just some African dude making it up.

Michael Che: Yeah.

Willie: No. It was him.

Michael Che: Willie, aren’t you worried about the side effects?

Willie: Oh, Michael, we all have birth defects.

Michael Che: I said side effects.

Willie: But that’s not the vaccine’s for. At most, it makes you a little sleepy. But you wake up in a tub of ice good as new.

Michael Che: In a tub of ice?

Willie: Well, it’s like they say, Michael. “They replaced your organs with newspaper again, Willie!”

Michael Che: Oh, man.

Willie: I guess I’m just a little more trusting than doctors since my grand daddy worked in medicine.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yeah. He was famous too. He was the first person chosen to take a miracle vaccine that would make his town safe again. And it worked too.

Michael Che: What vaccine was that?

Willie: It was called “The lethal injection”.

Michael Che: Willie, I’m still worried about taking that shot.

Willie: Oh, Michael! You sound just like my old dog Lucias. He didn’t want to take his shot either. He’d run and hide until we found a little trick. We put some peanut butter on the barrel of the rifle and he ran right to it.

Michael Che: Rifle?

Willie: Yes. It’s like they always say, “You can’t make a fur coat out of just one dog, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, this isn’t making anybody feel better.

Willie: Oh, Michael! Michael! This has been a tough year for everybody. But we can still get through this. You know, I was pretty sick myself this year.

Michael Che: Oh, I didn’t know that, Willie.

Willie: Yeah. I followed all the rules. I wore mask. Kept 500 feet away from schools. But I still got affected. I had all the symptoms. Heavy cough, no sense of smell or taste, tiny bumps on my peepee, could barely breathe. But did I let that stop me from beat boxing at the nursing home?

Michael Che: I really hope it did.

Willie: No, sir. It’s like they always say in show biz, Michael. “You wiped off St. Mary’s village, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, everybody!

Weekend Update- Landis Trotter on Holiday Gifting

Michael Che

Landis Trotter… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Christmas is approaching and most of us still have shopping to do. Here to share her holiday gift guide is Instagram influencer, Landis Trotter.

[Landis Trotter slides in]

Landis Trotter: Yes. Hey, Michael. Hey, guys. I just wanted to hop on Update real quick and say hi.

Michael Che: So, on Instagram, you have half a million followers and you’re here today with your holiday gift guide?

Landis Trotter: Yes. Everything I’m sharing with you today are just my favorite products and go-tos. No sponsored ads.

Michael Che: Great. What do you recommend as a present for a romantic partner? I know a lot of people could use help with that.

Landis Trotter: Oh, yes. I mean, a lot of guys are totally out to see. But last Christmas, my now fiancé, Mark, totally nailed it. He said, “Go, look under the tree.” And I saw a box. And I was like, “Mark?” And he was like, “Open it.” And inside the box was Private Banking from Merrill Lynch. [an ad of Merrill Lynch bank appears at the corner.] As life of all, Merrill Lynch is changing the way we look at retirement. Use code “OLDPEEPLE” for free shipping.

Michael Che: So, you’re recommending concierge retirement banking for romantic gift. This seems like an ad.

Landis Trotter: No. Merrill Lynch is thoughtful and responsible. And it’s– Oh! @MerryllLynch.

Michael Che: Okay. So, what gift do you recommend for moms?

Landis Trotter: Oh my god. Moms are so hard to shop for. I mean, specially mine. She’s like, really classy. But I do know she loves anything cinnamon and nutmeg. She’s always like, “The spice must flow.” That’s why this holiday season, I partnered with a movie “Dune” at HBO MAX. From the mind of Frank Herbert and visionary director Denis Villeneuve. Use code “SANDWORM” and check out for 5% off Dune.

Michael Che: So, you think people should buy “Dune” for their momes?

Landis Trotter: I do. I do. I use it everyday. It changed my life.

Michael Che: Alright. Well Landis, I still haven’t got anything for my boss and I love to get him something from a small business.

Landis Trotter: Okay. Well, my next gift is small and local. I’m giving my boss Hitachi Healthcare Xray imaging. No one should have to wonder what their bones look like.

Michael Che: Landis, come on. Wholesale Xray equipment for my boss?

Landis Trotter: I know. But I have to say that because they give me the money.

Michael Che: So, these are all ads?

Landis Trotter: Yes. [in soft voice] For me to get money and free stuff and brag to people I went to high school with that I’m doing good and that I grew up pretty and I’m a money maker now.

Michael Che: Hey, I’m sorry, Landis. I think you’re great, personally.

Landis Trotter: Really, Michael?

Michael Che: So great that this Christmas morning, you deserve a sizzling patty of Jimmy Dean sausage.

Landis Trotter: Oh my god. Is that an ad?

Michael Che: Yes. Use code “JIMMYCHE” for 1% off.

Landis Trotter: 1%? Michael, that’s what I want to be.

Michael Che: Landis Trotter, everybody.

Weekend Update- Cleveland Indians Name Change and Tom Cruise Covid Rant

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a logo of Cleveland Indians at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was reported that the Cleveland Indians have decided to remove the term ‘Indian’ from their team name. Yes, it’s nice. Yet, somehow we’re cool calling the only black people in Utah, the Jazz.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of MacKenzie Scott at right top corner.]

Michael Che: MacKenzie Scott, Jeff Bezos ex wife has given away more than $4 billion to pandemic relief organizations. Not to be outdone, Jeff Bezos has offered Amazon workers free Gatorade bottles for bathroom breaks.

[Picture changes to Andrew Cuomo]

A former advisor to New York governor Andrew Cuomo has accused him of sexually her for years making him the odds-on favorite for the 2024 nomination. You’re not going to like the rest of these. Cuomo denies the allegations claiming that he would never be inappropriate to any broad with frickin dynamite baazoombas.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a car covered with snow at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in New York state was trapped inside his car for 10 hours over night when a plow covered his car in four feet of snow. Even more amazing, his wife believed that story.

Weekend Update- Christmas Joke Swap 2020

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, tonight is our Christmas show and we have a tradition where Che and I give each other jokes to read.

Michael Che: Oh, yes. That’s true. We’re making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

Colin Jost: Yes. Fun, harmless, inoffensive jokes, right Che?

Michael Che: Hey, man. Why don’t you go first?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of coronavirus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Many doctors are saying that they have a hard time convincing their black patients to agree to take the covid vaccine. Well, maybe they should try telling them, “It makes you immune from paying child support.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of “Hocus Pocus” movie poster at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s pretty racist, Colin! It was revealed that the sequel of the movie “Hocus Pocus” is in the words for Disney+, which judging by this picture is movie about every white woman I’ve ever slept with. Cool.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rosa Parks at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week marks the 65th anniversary of Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on an Alabama bus. I just wish that all black people could follow her example of sitting down and shutting up.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeffery Epstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: [laughing] Oh. The palm beach mansion once owned by Jeffery Epstein will soon be demolished. And I’m honestly shocked that they would demolish a place where I have so many fond memories. Rest in power, king.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Creed’s front man Scott Stapp at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: God! It was announced that Creed’s singer Scott Stapp will play Frank Sinatra in an upcoming movie. But the good news is Sammy Davis Jr. will be played by Scarlett Johansson.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- A Look Back at Trump’s Presidency

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well guys, barring a reverse Christmas miracle, this is the last Weekend Update with Donald Trump still in office. Now, as a president, he was mostly bad. But there were a few bright spots. So, before he is tranquilized and moved like a dinosaur in Jurassic Park, I just want to take a moment to recognize some of his greatest moments in office.

[Cut to a slide show of nice pictures of Donald Trump during his presidency.]

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. So America, don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it’s happened. And then, probably cry a little bit. I don’t know. I’m still working it out with my therapist.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Pence getting vaccine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mike Pence received the coronavirus vaccine Friday which is the first time he has ever been okay with using protection. Mike Pence said when he got the vaccine shot, “I didn’t feel a thing”, which is also what he told himself over and over again after saw Harry Styles in a dress.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching a school bus stall on some rail road tracks, received the coronavirus vaccine on Friday. Just to throw it in our faces, he’s also giving himself a stimulus check and a small business loan.

[Picture changes to vaccine]

White House has left it up to the states to distribute the vaccine which shocks me because knowing Trump, I thought for sure it would be done through a live Power Ball lottery. The ratings would have been insane and it would have been the first White House job Ivanka was qualified for. [Picture changes to girl holding the lottery number balls.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of people protesting at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a pro Trump rally in Washington DC, protestors burned “Black Lives Matter” signs at two historic black churches. I don’t want to be too judgmental here but at some point when you’re setting fires at black churches, you gotta stop and ask yourself, “Hey, am I the bad guy here?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jill Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wall Street Journal published an op-ed suggesting that Dr. Jill Biden stop using the term doctor because she has a PhD and is not a medical doctor. Though, she has at times functioned as a nurse. [picture changes to Jill Biden holding and supporting Joe Biden.]