Tag: season 46

Weekend Update

Colin Jost

Micahel Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a satellite at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Researchers say that a system on the international space station that turns astronaut urine into drinking water could be used to provide clean water on earth. Which is the kind of amazing innovation that makes me think, “Wait, then what are astronaut brownies made of?”

[Cut to Micahel Che. There’s a picture of Tom Cruise at right top corner.]

Micahel Che: Tom Cruise was recorded on the set of the new Mission Impossible movie yelling at the crew for violating covid restrictions. Apparently, the crew was using camera tricks to make it appear like they were separated by six feet when in reality, it was closer to 5’4″.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mall Santa at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Officials in Georgia say that more than 50 children may have been exposed to coronavirus by a mall Santa, which is the second worst thing a mall Santa can expose children to.

U.S.O. Performance

Colonel… Alex Moffat

Aubra July… Kristen Wiig

Garrett… Bowen Yang

Mikey Day

Andrew Dismukes

Marjorie… Dua Lipa

[Starts with Christmas Eve 1944. Two military men are dancing and the others are clapping. Then

Boys: [saluting] Sir!

Colonel: At ease, boys. Well, I hope to see those feet move that fast on the battle field.

Boys: Thank you sir. [They walk away]

Colonel: Can’t believe there’s this much talent in our very own 170 first division. And here to lift your spirits on Christmas Eve, you my recognize her from the medic tent. It’s nurse Aubra July.

[Aubra July walks in. She’s looking very pretty. The military men are clapping hard.]

Mikey: I like what I see

Andrew: Santa came after all.

Garrett: What a woman!

Aubra July: Well, I may be a lousy medic but let’s see if I can be half decent singer.

Colonel: Ha-ha-ha. Alright. Simmer down, now, fellas. Just sit on your helmets and enjoy.

Aubra July: Now, I know you boys miss home this Christmas eve. Maybe you’re missing someone special. Well, I’ve got a song just for you. But first, I need a volunteer.

[All the military men are raising their hands]

Boys: Me! Me! Me!

Aubra July: How about you, handsome?

[Garrett walks to the stage]

Andrew: Private Garrett’s the toughest guy in our unit.

Mikey: Yeah. This should be gas.

Aubra July: Do you have heard the song “Love fight?”

Garrett: Maybe I head it when I was a boy. I’ll follow your lead.

Aubra July: It’s a shuffle on C, four on the floor, just stay on the rhythm and you can’t go wrong. Hit it.

[music playing]

Garrett: Hello.

Aubra July: Baby, listen. I ain’t coming home tonight.

Garrett: Boy, stop. Here we go with this mess again.

Aubra July: I mean it. I got work. Don’t wait up.

Garrett: Is that right? [singing] Coz I know that you’ve been hanging out all night

Aubra July: Well you know I cannot help that, I’m a man

Garrett: You can help the way you treat me

Aubra July: Woman, don’t please me

Garrett: I swear to you, I’ll walk away

Aubra July: [slaps Garrett] Shut your mouth, you’re pissing me off

[Aubra July and Garrett start dancing intimately. Even Garrett is acting like a woman.]

Both: Yeah, yeah
Doing me wrong and doing you right
where do you go in the middle of the night
Doing me wrong and doing you right
you’re pissing me off baby, it’s a love fight

[The boys are shocked]

Beck: Now, help me. Is this a play?

Kyle: I don’t know. But it sure is noisy.

Colonel: Well, whatever it is, Private Garrett is off book.

Mikey: Wait, so the girl is playing the boy and the boy is playing the girl?

Andrew: Yeah, there’s a lot going on.

Garrett: Quit your lying. My girlfriend saw Shanice you at the club.

Aubra July: She needs to get her eyes checked.

Garrett: She did. Yesterday.

Aubra July: [singing] I’ve given you all of me
my mind, my body, can’t you see?

Garrett: Then why does the car smell like sex
with girl that isn’t me?

Both: Wo-wu-wo-wu-yeah, yeah! 

Garrett: Break it down now, y’all.

Colonel: They are really nailing the coreo.

Mikey: But he got caught. Now he’s being mouthy.

Beck: He’s not going to change.

Kyle: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Andrew: Shh, she’s confronting him.

Garrett: Remind me, do you wear red satin panties?

Aubra July: Girl, you know I don’t.

Garrett: Then why did I find these in your briefcase?

[Marjorie walks in]

Marjorie: I’ve been looking for those.

Aubra July and Garrett: Marjorie?

[Aubra July, Garrett and Marjorie start dancing sexy]

Beck: That must be the other woman.

Mikey: The one who stunk the car up?

Kyle: This is the moment of truth.

Aubra July: Baby, it ain’t what it looks like.

Marjorie: Oh, yeah? Because it looks bad?

Garrett: Consider this a warning.

Marjorie: You’re on notice.

Aubra July: How can I make it up to you both?

Marjorie: Why? It’s simple.

Garrett and Marjorie: Defeat the Nazis!

Aubra July: Mama, you ain’t saying nothing but a word.

Aubra July, Garrett and Marjorie: Wo-wu-wo-wu-yeah, yeah!
Doing me wrong and doing you right

[all the military men join them to dance] 
where do you go in the middle of the night
Doing me wrong and doing you right
you’re pissing me off baby, it’s a love fight

The Grinch

Dad… Mikey day

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Grinch… Pete Davidson

[Starts with story turning book pages.]

Male voice: And what happened then…? Well… in Who-wille they say that the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day! He brought back the toys and the food for the feast! And he… he himself… carved the roast beast!

The next morning…

[Cut to a family in the Christmas morning. The kids are at the Christmas tree and their parents walk down.]

Dad: Good morning, kids.

Sister: Good morning, dad.

Brother: Good morning, mom.

Sister: You guys look tired.

Dad: Yeah. Mom and I had a little too much who-punch last night.

Mom: Haven’t partied like that in a while.

Brother: What did you guys do after we went to bed?

Dad: Don’t worry about that, buddy.

Sister: I thought it was so nice that Mr. Grinch came down to celebrate with us yesterday.

Brother: I always thought he was a rotten old meanie who is slimy like a snail, but boy was I wrong. He is great!

Dad: Yeah. He’s a cool guy. Oh, speak of the devil.

[Grinch is walking down the stairs]

Grinch: Morning.

Sister: Did you sleep over, Mr. Grinch?

Brother: And are you wearing my dad’s bathrobe?

Grinch: Well, the reason for that is–

Mom: You know, it was so late and Mr. Grinch lives way up on that curly mountains. And we just thought why not invite him to spend the night here? [Dad and Mom looking at each other happily] With us.

Grinch: Yeah. That’s it.

Brother: Well, wait. There’s only two bedrooms upstairs. Where did you sleep, Mr. Grinch?

Grinch: Someone want to take this one?

Dad: It doesn’t matter where Mr. Grinch slept. What matters is that yesterday, his heart grew three sizes.

Mom: It’s not the only thing that grew three sizes.

Grinch: Kathy. You’re bad.

Male voice: The Who Children puzzled over what had occurred. Unaware that their parents had brought in a third to spice up their marriage, why, it’s a cinch. All you need is some Who punch and a night… with the Grinch.

Grinch: Well, I should probably roll.

Mom: No, no, no. Stay. Have breakfast. I’m making green eggs and bacon.

[Grinch takes a seat in between Dad and Mom]

Grinch: Oh, okay. Well, I am pretty hungry.

Dad: I bet you are. You put in some work last night.

Mom: We all did.

Grinch: Well, if that was work then I guess I love my job.

Sister: What are you guys talking about?

Dad: Nothing. Hey, show Mr. Grinch the toys you got for Christmas, guys.

Brother: Okay.

Sister: Yeah.

Brother: We got whiz boppers, new sneedlers and I don’t know what this is but it looks fun. [pulls out a stick with a pointing hand on top.]

Dad: Okay. Don’t worry about that one, guys. That’s not a fun toy.

Mom: I thought it was pretty fun.

Grinch: Trust me, I remember.

Sister: I’m so tired. You woke me up last night, mommy.

Mom: Oh, no. I did? You didn’t come in our room, right?

Sister: No.

Mom: Oh. Thank god.

Sister: You kept screaming, “You’re a mean one. You’re a mean one. You’re a mean one.”

Mom: Well, mommy was just having a nightmare.

Brother: Daddy. Were you having a nightmare when you were yelling, “Punish me, my green king? Punish me, my green king?”

Grinch: And that’s my cue. I really should get back to my cave. My little A-hole dogs probably wondering where I am.

Mom: Aw!

Dad: Are you sure?

Grinch: Yeah. But hey, you know, thanks for the memories.

Mom: Well, don’t be a stranger.

[Mom and Grinch hug. Mom doesn’t let go of hug.]

Grinch: I probably should go.

[Dad gets in to hug as well.]

Dad: Well, no ones stopping you.

Brother: What are you guys doing?

Grinch: [yelling at the kids] Go outside and play!

[Dad, Mom and Grinch start making out.]

Secret Word Holiday Edition

Grand Choad… Kenan Thompson

Mindy Elise Grayson… Kristen Wiig

Elka Legerdi… Kate McKinnon

Lauren Holt

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with TV show schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching the Game Show Network. At 10, it’s Card Varks. But first, Secret Word.

[Cut to the show intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play the game the stars play, “Secret Word”. With your host, Grand Choad.

Grand Choad: Alright. Welcome once again to “Secret Word”. I am Grand Choad. Today’s show is sponsored by Secretary Wax. Shine up those legs before your boss gets in Secretary Wax. Our first guest is a regular on the show and is best known for the work on Broadway Stage. Please welcome Mindy Elise Grayson.

[Mindy Elise Grayson walks in[

Mindy Elise Grayson: Merry Christmas. My gift to you is me.

Grand Choad: Alright. Hello, Mindy. You seem excited to be here today.

[Mindy Elise Grayson takes a seat beside Lauren]

Mindy Elise Grayson: I am, Grant. I need money.

Grand Choad: Ha-ha. Terrific. We’re very lucky to have our next celebrity who’s making a rare public appearance. Please welcome Austrian-American actress and part time recluse, Elka Legerdi.

[Elka Legerdi walks in. She’s wearing sunglasses.]

Elka Legerdi: So many light and people on camera, this is all too much to bear.

Grand Choad: Well, it is great to meet you, Elka. I loved you in “Unresponsive Woman”.

[Elka Legerdi takes a seat beside Andrew]

Elka Legerdi: Thank you. Show business is a demon that eats you from the inside out until there’s nothing left but tears and dust.

Grand Choad: Okay. And you are Austria’s leading comedic actress?

Elka Legerdi: That is correct.

Grand Choad: Alright. All of today’s secret words are Christmas themed. Mindy, your team is up first. Are you ready to play?

Mindy Elise Grayson: We are. Let’s do this.

Grand Choad: Alright. 15 seconds on the clock, please.

Male voice: The secret word is ‘wrap’.

Grand Choad: And remember, Mindy. Don’t say the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I’m not going to, grant. I know what I’m doing. Right. How much time is left?

Grand Choad: Five seconds.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, well I better get to it. Let’s see. Wrap.

[buzzer sound]

Grand Choad: Mindy, you said the secret word.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I did. I am sorry. It’s the actress in me. I see letters and turn them into emotions. Just like I did in the play “Alls well that ends well”, a story of a blind girl who flips in to a well. Mama, where am I? The walls are wet. Who’s bucket is this? Mama! The New York times said, “Oh-oh!”

Grand Choad: Fantastic. Alright. Let’s go over to Elka’s team. Elka, are you going to give or receive?

Elka Legerdi: I have nothing left to give but if you ask, I will comply.

Grand Choad: It’s a very fun outlook. Let’s put 15 seconds on the clock.

Male voice: The secret word is “Poinsettia”.

Elka Legerdi: I don’t know this word.

Andrew: Poinsettia?

[buzzer sound.]

Grand Choad: Just do another one.

Male voice: The secret word is “Ho ho ho”.

Elka Legerdi: Okay. This is hard in my accent but moo moo moo.

Andrew: I don’t understand.

Elka Legerdi: Moo moo moo.

Andrew: Yeah, I have no idea.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! She’s saying “Ho ho ho.”

[buzzer sound]

Grand Choad: Mindy! Alright, Elka. You lost that point.

Elka Legerdi: What’s the point of anything?

Grand Choad: Okay. I wish there was a third team to go, but all we have is Mindy.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I am ready to give again.

Lauren: When is it my turn?

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ha-ha-ha. That’s exactly what I said at my very first Hollywood orgy. You have to network.

Grand Choad: Our next clue is a Christmas phrase. Let’s hear it.

Male voice: The secret phrase is “Trimming the tree”.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh. Maybe I’m screwed but I don’t know why anyone would want to do this to a tree. I mean if you wanted to practice but I think you just get splinters in your mouth.

Lauren: I have no idea.

Mindy Elise Grayson: Ah! I’m sorry. My thumb, on the screen was covering up the first ‘T’. It’s ‘Trimming’. Trimming the tree.

Grand Choad: Um, this is the Christmas show. It’s Christmas.

Mindy Elise Grayson: I understand. I’m sorry. I biffed it. Just like I biffed my entire performance in the broadway musical flop “Mumbai Suzie and the Vindiloo Crew”, the story of a poor teen who left her strict Indian parents to open a curry cart in the big city of Bombay. He’s the 11 o’clock number. Hit it.

[music playing]

[singing] I’m moving out Mumbai, mom bye!
I’ll be home forGrand Choad Christmas dad bye, dad bye

Grand Choad: No. That is not okay. Not even for the time we’re supposed to be in. And it looks like it’s time for a commercial break.

Elka Legerdi: I had fun.

Grand Choad: Well, I’m glad. We’ll be right back after this.

[Mindy Elise Grayson and Elka Legerdi walk up front]

Mindy Elise Grayson: Oh, watch us move it.

[Mindy Elise Grayson and Elka Legerdi start dancing]

Pence Gets the Vaccine Cold Open

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Karen… Lauren Holt

Doctor… Mikey Day

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with NBC news intro]

Male voice: And now, vice-president Mike Pence receives the COVID-19 vaccine on live TV.

[Cut to Mike pence walking in to get vaccine]

Mike Pence: Hello. Thank you. I’m sure all Americans are excited to see me. The guy who let covid spread everywhere get one of the first vaccines. And my wife Karen will get one as well. [Karen nods her head yes] Would you like to say anything? [Karen shakes her head no] But you can talk. [Karen raises her shoulder] See you soon, mother. Before we begin, I just want to reassure the American people that this vaccine is completely safe and harmless. That’s why President Trump refuses to take it or talk about it. Instead, he sent me here to be his, what do you call it?

Doctor: Human shield?

Mike Pence: That’s right. That’s exactly the phrase he used. He is a colorful man. Even more fun on steroids.

Doctor: He’s still taking those?

Mike Pence: Speaking of roids, you’re probably noticing that I’m rocking short sleeves for this. So, if I look swole as F, that’s not an allergic reaction. I’ve been lifting weights in my driveway like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty and that’s where the similarities end.

Doctor: You don’t have to keep talking.

Mike Pence: I do. I do. So, thank you to all Americans for trusting President Trump with your health. He may not be doing president anymore, but he still cares deeply about not going to prison.

Doctor: Should we just start?

Mike Pence: Alright. You win, doc. Let’s get this over with.

[Karen starts opening his pants.]

Doctor: No, no. Mr. Vice President, it’s not that kind of vaccine.

Mike Pence: Oh, no. It’s okay. If you’re a doctor, you can go in.

Doctor: Mr. Vice President, it’s a simple injection in your arm.

Mike Pence: Oh. Okay. Cool.

Doctor: Really easy, and there you go.

Mike Pence: I didn’t feel a thing.

Doctor: Yes, it’s totally painless.

Mike Pence: No. I meant for the past four years, I haven’t felt a thing. Just kind of watched the country burn.

Doctor: Okay. Well, I’m not a therapist, but I think you’re all set. You handled it like a champ. And here is your lollipop.

Mike Pence: A lolli? Well, I guess it’s five o’clock somewhere.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Yoo-hoo! Hello.

Mike Pence: No, no, no. Kamala Harris? You can’t see my bare forearms like this. Eyes off my elbows.

Kamala Harris: I promise you I am not interested.

Mike Pence: How did you even get into the White House?

Kamala Harris: I won more votes.

Mike Pence: Okay. I suppose you and Joe might be in here soon if those election results hold up.

[Kamala Harris slaps Mike Pence]

Kamala Harris: You do not.

Mike Pence: Okay. I’m sorry. Trump made me do it. He says I have to over turn the election or he’ll make my Spotify playlist public.

Kamala Harris: Listen. I have good news, Mike.

Mike Pence: Oh my god! BTS is touring again?

Kamala Harris: Even though you lost, you could still come back from this stronger than ever like the current president elect, my man, Joe Biden. Get in here, Joe.

[Joe Biden walks in. He’s walking with a support of a cane. Then he loses the cane, and does a somersault.]

Joe Biden: Hey there, Kamala.

Mike Pence: You look different, somehow.

Joe Biden: Yep. I’m like Cornell Sanders. Every time you see me, I’m a different guy. There’s a good chance this time next year, I’m going to be Mario Lopez. Now, where the vaccines at?

Mike Pence: I thought you were getting it on Monday, Joe.

Joe Biden: Yeah, but Kamala wants me to get it over with.

Kamala Harris: Well, I’m worried about you, Joe. Specially you’re already in a cast in Day -40 in “Office”.

Joe Biden: I just want to let the American people know one thing. You’re about to have a real leader again. You’re going to have the most diverse cabinet in the history of American politics.

Kamala Harris: And I will make sure that Joe never specifies what he means by diverse. That is my Christmas present to you, America.

Joe Biden: Or, if you celebrate Kwanza–

Kamala Harris: [interrupting] No! We’re going to go. Bye, bye.

Mike Pence: Well, thank you all for watching.

[Rudy Giuliani runs in]

Rudy Giuliani: Wait, wait. I hope I’m not too late. I heard they were giving out free meds.

Mike Pence: Oh my god. Rudy, are you okay?

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah, I’m better than ever. That’s what everyone’s saying.

Mike Pence: Rudy, what is happening with your face?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh. I think all my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me. In the Bora, I figured out people thought I was touching myself. I was actually trying to tuck my blood back in.

Mike Pence: Oh my god.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, and if you see black liquid running down my legs, don’t worry. That’s just pube dye.

Mike Pence: What? Okay, can you give this man a shot please?

Doctor: For what? Rabies?

Rudy Giuliani: Hey! Hey! You don’t joke down the mayor of 7-Eleven.

Doctor: Wait. 7-Eleven?

Rudy Giuliani: You be surprised.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Excuse me.

Mike Pence: Dr. Carson?

Ben Carson: Yes, it is I. Dr. Benjamin Carson. I came here to ask what do I do?

Mike Pence: In terms of the vaccine?

Ben Carson: No, no. In terms of my job. What is it that I do? You see, I’ve been sitting alone in a dark office for the past four years and no one has told me what to do.

Mike Pence: Well, it doesn’t matter now. We’re all leaving in a couple of weeks.

Ben Carson: Well, can you at least tell me what my job was? I’d like to put it on my resume.

Doctor: Sorry. Weren’t you a brain surgeon?

Ben Carson: Oh, nobody can believe that now. Fiddle damn diddle!

Mike Pence: Well, America, I hope you trust the vaccine now. You know how it works because you can buy it in the soda fridge at CVS. Merry Christmas.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Kristen Wiig 2020 Holiday Monologue

Kristen Wiig

Maya Rudolph

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kristen Wiig.

[Kristen Wiig walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Kristen Wiig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh my gosh. Thank you. It is so great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. I consider this home and it is so nice to be home for the holidays. [cheers and applause] Many of you know, I used to work here. I was employee of the month three times. It’s a little bit of a brag. I am happy to say this is the last show of 2020. Yes. What an icky year it has been. But it hasn’t been all that bad. I had twins. [cheers and applause] Yes. Which I find out is two of the same baby. But it has been a hard year. But the good news is on New Year’s day, 2021, everything goes completely back to normal. What? It doesn’t? Oh! Okay. Well, you could have told me that before the show. Glen, look at me. My assistance Glen is here and I think he knows he’s in trouble. Anyway, until then, when I am feeling down, I like to sing one of my favorite Christmas songs about some of my favorite things. Can I get a stool? [music playing] No? Glen, we’re going to have a meeting tonight. I know it’s Christmas, but this isn’t working out. Alright, let’s start the song. I think you all know the words.

[singing] Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
whiskers on babies and babies on buildings
long beards on babies and mittens with wings
these are a few of my favorite things

jackets on ponies and bread on baloneys
hawk and shalhoub are my two favorite Tonys
going to court dressed like lord of the rings
these are a few of my favorite things

When the tree falls, when the bee stings
and the other bee stings
i simply remember I’m allergic to bees
and then I don’t feel my legs

[Maya Rudolph walks in]

Maya Rudolph: Hey, Kristen.

Kristen Wiig: Maya. Truthfully, being on stage with you is one of my favorite things.

Maya Rudolph: Me too, buddy. But I notice that some of the lyrics in your song were incorrect and didn’t make any sense. Do you mind if I sing the real ones?

Kristen Wiig: Oh, no. Please. By all means.

Maya Rudolph: Thank you.

[singing] Pop rocks and hot dogs and mustard on ladies
musical improv of Mr. Wayne Brady
sitting quite nude on an exercise bike
these are just some of the things that I like

Kristen Wiig: When my dog sits

Maya Rudolph: On the ceiling

Kristen Wiig: Coz he’s being bad

Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph: I simply remember my favorite things 
and then I will kiss your dad

[Kate McKinnon walks in]

Kate McKinnon: Hi, guys.

Kristen Wiig: Oh my godl

Maya Rudolph: Kurt Cobain.

Kristen Wiig: Kurt McKurtain.

Kate McKinnon: It’s okay. It happens all the time. I’m sorry to interrupt but those are not the words.

Kristen Wiig: Huh?

Maya Rudolph: Say what?

Kate McKinnon: Yes. I was in the laderhosen choir as a child. So, let me do this. These are the actual real words. Okay?

[singing] Cream colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles

Kristen Wiig: Whoa! Whoa! I’m sorry. You have a beautiful singing voice. But those words were crazy.

Maya Rudolph: That’s not cool.

Kristen Wiig: That’s not cool, what you just did.

Maya Rudolph: It’s not okay.

Kristen Wiig: No. Cream colored ponies?

Maya Rudolph: I’m just going say it. That sounds racist.

Kristen Wiig: Yes. I don’t know if I’m allowed to agree with you but I do.

Maya Rudolph: Yes, you do. Coz it’s racist!

Kristen Wiig: Yes.

Maya Rudolph: I can’t believe you would say those things in front of Santa.

Kristen Wiig: And he’s up in show tonight. He is a guest of Lorn’s.

Kate McKinnon: I’m sorry. I don’t understand. Those are the words.

Maya Rudolph: No, no. The way the song works is you say your own favorite things.

Kristen Wiig: Yes. Because these times are so crazy that we’re in and your favorite things are going to get a little crazier too.

Kate McKinnon: Okay. I get it. Now, let’s do that again. Thank you.

[singing] Beef empanadas and beef chimichangas
pork empanadas and a pork chimichangas
chicken fajitas and chicken tacos
these are a few of my favorite though

Maya Rudolph: Much better.

Kristen Wiig: Yes. Much better. Kate, are you hungry?

Kate McKinnon: No. Opposite. I’m very full. I was just listing everything that I just ate.

Kristen Wiig: Well, I love singing with you both. What do you say we take this home?

All: [singing] When the dog bites, ou, it bit me,
please arrest that dog
I simply remember my favorite things
and you two are two of my favorite things
good bye 2020, you really did sink
and now I don’t feel so bad

Kristen Wiig: We have a great show for you tonight. Dua Lipa is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Home for Christmas

Katie… Lauren Holt

Dad.. Beck Bennett

Mom… Melissa Villaseñor

Punkie Johnson

Sue… Kristen Wiig

Grandpa… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Katie getting in the home]

Katie: Hello, is the coast clear? Anybody home?

Dad: Katie, sweetheart!

Punkie: Oh my god. Wait, Katie’s here? I thought you said you couldn’t come home for Christmas. That’s why grandpa’s been so depressed all waek.

Katie: I know. But since I’m a nurse, I was able to get the vaccine. So, I drove all night and dad and I cooked up the surprise.

Sue: [getting excited] Oh my god.

Dad: Yeah. We’re going to do it as soon as he gets home.

Sue: [getting too excited] My god! A surprise? Tonight?

Dad: Yes, Sue. Dad thinks it’s just us for dinner as usual.

Sue: Oh my god! And Katie’s here! With her antibodies?

Katie: I can see that Sue is glad to be a part of this.

Sue: I’m sorry. I love surprises. I’m so excited to see this freaking happen. God, he doesn’t know?

Katie: So, where is Pops now?

Dad: Okay. So, I didn’t know how to get him out of the house. So, I told him to finally take his coins to Coinstar.

Punkie: Should we have Katie hide behind the tree when he gets here?

Sue: [yelling] Yes!

Mom: Sue! Sue! We’re gonna have to keep this a secret when pops gets here. I hope you can keep it together and don’t ruin the surprise.

Katie: Sue? What are you doing?

Sue: [Sue is pulling off her sweater and covering her face] I’m so hot! I’m so freaking excited!

Punkie: Sue! Put your shirt back on.

Sue: He’s going to walk in here with his coin credit. And she’s going to come out from behind the tree. And we all know.

Dad: Yeah. Well, that’s what we’re hoping for.

Mom: Okay. So, how long do you think we have until pops–

Sue: I’m sorry. Oh god! I’m going to have some of this jello. I gotta eat sugar. Gelatin. I’m freaking going to pass out. Oh god.

Dad: Okay. Well, what if I play “I’ll be home for Christmas” when he comes in?

Katie: I love that idea. Sue?

[Sue had her head inside jello]

Punkie: Sue! You have to get yourself together. Katie traveled a long way. You’re going to ruin the surprise!

Sue: I’m sorry. Yes. I think if we just had a practice round, I’d feel better.

Dad: Oh, yes. That’s actually really good idea. Katie, go behind the tree.

Katie: You got it.

Mom: I’m on the music.

Dad: Okay. Now, everyone act natural. I’m dad. I’m coming home from Coinstar. I don’t expect anything because everyone’s acting normal and then Katie jumps out and says–

[Katie walks out from behind the tree. But Sue runs in and pushes Katie away.]

Sue: [shouting] Surprise!

Punkie: Oh my god! Sue! You knocked Katie on to the floor. [to Katie] Are you okay?

Katie: It’s fine. I just landed where I got my shot.

Dad: Oh my gosh. Dad’s back. This is it.

Mom: Okay Katie, hide. Everyone else, act natural. Sue, stay over there and don’t say a word.

[Grandpa walks in]

Dad: Hey, hey, dad!

Grandpa: Oh, good. Everyone’s together. Well, that’s great. But gosh, I just still wish Katie was here.

Mom: Yeah. We wish Katie were here too. Right guys?

Dad: Yeah. Sure do, dad.

Punkie: Maybe next year.

[Sue has Christmas socks inside her mouth.]

Grandpa: What’s going on with Sue? Everyone’s acting weird.

Punkie: Sue?

[Sue is moving around not being able to keep the secret]

Sue: Someone’s upstairs.

Mom: Sue!

Sue: No one! Who? A girl. No. She traveled. What? Yes. Oh. Stop. God! You thought she wasn’t coming. Who? Her. She got here. Pfizer.  What? Oh god. You’re going to be surprised! Oh god. Here it comes. Oh god. Here it comes.

Dad: Stop. Don’t say it. Sue!

[Sue runs out through the window breaking it.]

Grandpa: Good lord. What on earth? Did Sue just punch through the window and jump outside?

[Katie walks out]

Katie: Hi, pops.

Grandpa: What?

Katie: It was supposed to be a surprise.

Grandpa: Katie, you made it. This makes everything all better.

Mom: Oh, come on, everybody. Let’s eat. I have ham in the oven.

Sue: Ham? [Sue jumps in through the chimney] I love ham for Christmas!

[Sue holds the Christmas tree and pulls it out through the broken window]

Dad: My outdoor lights!

Home Alone 2

Kevin… Melissa Villaseñor

Pigeon lady… Kristen Wiig

Harry… Kyle Mooney

Marv… Mikey Day

Male voice: It’s the 30th anniversary of Home Alone. And to celebrate, 20th century studios is releasing this never before seen ending to the Christmas classic, “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.”

[Cut to the scene where the boy walks to the woman who is feeding pigeons.]

Kevin: Merry Christmas!

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. Wonderful to see your face.

Kevin: I just want to say thanks. When I was all alone here in the city, you were my friend.

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. It is I who should be thanks to you. Everything you gave me, the hot chocolate, the company, it’s hard being homeless. Specially during the holidays. But at least I have my pigeons.

Kevin: Whoa! So you sleep here?

Pigeon lady: Oh, yes. I have a place under the bridge over there.

Kevin: Cool. I’m sleeping at the room at the Plaza. It’s huge….. Well, see ya’!

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. You said, “The Plaza”? But you’re just a child.

Kevin: Oh. I use my dad’s credit card. It’s crazy. I can get anything I want.

Pigeon lady: [her stomach is making noise of hunger] Anything?

Kevin: Yeah. Today, I had a giant pizza inside a limousine. Okay, take it easy.

Pigeon lady: Oh. Very well.

Kevin: Wait. Hey, sorry. I just had an idea. [pulls out a pizza box.] I had all this pizza left over and…

Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. Yes. My stomach is just–

Kevin: Yeah. It shouldn’t go to waste. Here you go, pigeons! [Kevin throws all the pizzas.]

Pigeon lady: [looking at pigeons eat the pizza] Ha-ha. Look at them go. You know, Kevin, I had an idea as well.

Kevin: Oh, yeah? What’s that?

Pigeon lady: Well, see, as you have that fancy credit card, maybe you could get two hotel rooms?

Kevin: Two hotel rooms for one kid? I don’t think so. You’re funny. Well, goodnight, pigeon lady.

Pigeon lady: Goodnight.

Kevin: Wait. Something just occurred to me. I have enough money to get you a room too.

Pigeon lady: Oh, really?

Kevin: Yeah. It’d be my pleasure. I’ll rent a suite for you as long as you want. And maybe some new clothes and food too. It is Christmas after all.

Pigeon lady: Indeed. Merry Christmas, Kevin.

Kevin: Merry Christmas, pigeon lady.

[The thieves find Kevin]

Harry: Not so fast. Didn’t think you could lose us that easy, did you kid?

Marv: Yeah. Remember us? It’s Santi Clause and his little elf.

Harry: Turns out you’re on the naughty list.

Marv: And after all you’ve done, I think it’s time for a little payback.

Harry: Maybe in the form of your daddy’s credit card.

Pigeon lady: No, you can’t take this from me!

[Kevin runs and beats the thieves.]

Kevin: Wow! Holy smoke!

Pigeon lady: This is my ticket out of here. Die! [Kevin starts hitting the thieves with her umbrella. She’s getting all bloody.] Die! Die!

Kevin: [screaming] Ah!

Pigeon lady: Very well. There it is then. Two junior suits or one big one?

Kevin: The big ones.

Pigeon lady: Oh. Let’s all have a Merry Christmas then.

Kevin: Did you kill those guys?

Pigeon lady: No, Kevin. We killed them. We killed them.

Christmas Morning

Brother… Kyle Mooney

Sister… Chloe Fineman

Dad… Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with kids waking their parents up in the morning of Christmas.]

Speaker 1: Mom, dad, get up!

Speaker 2: Come on, you guys. Wake up. Wake up.

[musicplaying]

All: It’s Christmas morning. Let’s open up our presents.

BROTHER: Well, I got a Nerf gun!

SISTER: I got a hat!

DAD: I got an autographed baseball bat!

BROTHER: I got a telescope!

SISTER: I got a globe!

DAD: I got a watch!

MOM: And I got a robe!

BROTHER: I got Hulk hands!

DAD: I got a tie!

SISTER: And I got a copy of The Catcher in the Rye!

BROTHER: I got a drum set!

SISTER: I got a phone!

DAD: I got a pen!

MOM: And I got a robe

DAD: I got an outdoor pizza oven!

BROTHER: I got a cameo from McLovin!

SISTER: I got a hoverboard!

BROTHER: I got a drone!

DAD: I got a laptop!

MOM: And I got a robe
Thanks for the robe, it’s really really nice
Thanks for the robe, guys, this is great

BROTHER: I got headphones!

SISTER: I got a wig!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got the piano from Big!

DAD: I got a vintage pinball machine!

MOM: And I’m gonna make us breakfast!
In my brand new robe which I love so much
It’s really really soft! Oh, it’s on sale

SISTER: I got a sword!

DAD: I got shades!

BROTHER AND SISTER: We got pairs of rollerblades!

BROTHER: I got a Lego Millennium Falcon!

MOM: And I burned my arm in the oven
It hurt pretty bad, but I didn’t even scream
‘Cause I keep the pain inside of me

ALL: More and more presents
Let’s open up our stockings

BROTHER: Mine has a set of travel games!

SISTER: And mine is stuffed with candy canes!

DAD: Mine has a bottle of nice cologne!

MOM: And mine is completely empty
Just a big, flat sock with nothing inside
I only hang it up ’cause it looks kinda weird
If it’s missing in our pictures

DAD: Hold on now, what’s this I see?

SISTER: A few more presents beneath the tree!

BROTHER: Looks like someone’s got a big surprise

MOM: Oh, you guys really didn’t need to get me–

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s presents for the dog!

BROTHER: He got a bone and a squeaky toy!

DAD: And peanut butter treats

BROTHER AND SISTER: ‘Cause he’s a good boy!

SISTER: So many presents, but he deserves it!

BROTHER AND SISTER: And he got a robe!

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: It’s Christmas morning! Let’s take a family picture!

MOM: John, I don’t have any makeup on. I was up until 4 in the —

BROTHER, SISTER, AND DAD: What a great picture! Let’s post it on the internet!

Male voice:  Your mom does everything for your family. This year, get her more than one present. Moms like stuff, too

BROTHER: Who touched my piano?

MOM: [yelling] It was an accident!

A Teacher

Kyler… Andrew Dismukes

Ms. Williams… Ego Nwodim

Principal… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with a video clips from a school show]

Male voice: The most stirring show of 2020 about an elicit affair between teacher and student. And now, a sneak preview of season two of “A Teacher.”

[The class is over. Kyler walks to the teacher.]

Kyler: Hey, I know that the class is over but I wanted to talk to you alone. I’m struggling and need extra help to go to college and I can’t stop thinking about you, Ms. Williams. Or should I call you Nicole?

Ms. Williams: What are you talking about?

Kyler: I wanted to just spend some extra time together.

Ms. Williams: You think you cute?

Kyler: Well, I’m more mature than the other kids.

Ms. Williams: Excuse me, young man. Did you think we were going to [bleep]?

Kyler: I mean, I don’t know.

Ms. Williams: You’re pulling a C- in my class. That’s not hot for me. You can barely read.

Kyler: I thought maybe we could– [Ms. Williams raises her eyebrows] Never mind.

Ms. Williams: No, no. I want you to go ahead and walk me through it. You invite me to your… what? We hook up in the back seat of your bike?

Kyler: Or we could go to your car.

Ms. Williams: No. We’re not doing it in my car. My car is new.

Kyler: That’s cool.

Ms. Williams: You think I have enough money to throw this job away for your limp ass little leaner that can do nothing for me? What did you think this was?

Kyler: You were giving me help with the SATs. I thought it was special.

Ms. Williams: Oh, you thought I wanted to have sex with someone who can’t do the SATs? You keep circling the bubble instead of filling it in. You think that’s sexy?

Kyler: A little.

Ms. Williams: You know what? Let me enjoy my lunch break.

Kyler: Ms. Williams. I can’t stop thinking about you.

Ms. Williams: Why? I stop thinking about ya’ll the minute you talk out of this classroom.

Kyler: See? You’re so confident.

Ms. Williams: Yeah, I’ve got that swagger that you have when you’re not a pedophile. Don’t see a lot of confident pedophiles, do you? That swagger when you have a healthcare and a parking spot. God, I hate kids.

Kyler: You don’t understand. I love your class.

Ms. Williams: Name one president.

Kyler: Huckleberry?

Ms. Williams: Oh my god!

Kyler: Kermit?

[Principal walking in the hallway finds them in class.]

Principal: Ms. Williams, what’s going on in here? Are you having an inappropriate relationship with this student?

Ms. Williams: No, principal Miller. God, no.

Principal: Because he’s my boyfriend and we’re in love.

Ms. Williams: Oh my god! Are women still doing this?

Principal: They are. I am.

Ms. Williams: So, how are you the principal?

Principal: Well, that’s a good question. You see, I used to be a prison guard who let prisoners out because I loved them and now I work here.

Ms. Williams: Okay, this is ridiculous. Will someone say “kidding” so I don’t have to do no paperwork?

[Principal’s phone beeps. She looks at the phone and finds out that it’s Kyler’s birthday.]

Principal: Kyler, it’s your 18th birthday today. We can finally be together.

Kyler: Na, this just isn’t hot for me anymore.

Principal: Right. Me neither. Ha-ha.

[bell ringing]

Ms. Williams: There goes my lunch break.

Male voice: “A Teacher”, haven’t we learned?