Author: Ajay Kumar

Ana de Armas Monologue

Ana de Armas

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ana de Armas.

[Ana de Armas walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Ana de Armas: [Speaking in Spanish] Just kidding. I speak English. But I didn’t when I first got to the US. I was born in Cuba, came to America when I was 26. And I learned English the way everyone who comes to this country does, by watching “Friends.” Who would have thought that the best English tutor would be Chandler Bing? I mean, look at me now, could I be any better at English?

Acting here was difficult at first because I didn’t always understand what I was saying. Then I met this guy who had a class called “How to audition,” which was definitely a scam. He had me read a scene. And there was this line – “I beg your pardon.” But I had never seen or heard that phrase. So I thought this character was literally begging. So when I did the line, I said, “I beg your pardon. Give it to me.” Then someone else in the class read the line. And I was like, “Oh, can I try again?”

This has been a magical year. Not only I was nominated for an Oscar, but in three weeks, I’m gonna officially become an American citizen. I am proud to become a citizen because when I moved here, everyone was so welcoming. When I did my first movie in the US called “Hands of Stone,” I got to work with Robert De Niro. And one day on set, he told me, “I may be going to Cuba soon. If I do, I’ll say hello to your family.” He even asked me for the phone number. I completely forgot about it. And then one day out of the blue, I get a phone call from my dad. He’s hysterical. I’m like “Dad was wrong?” And he goes, “Robert De Niro just came to visit me at work.” That was such a kind gesture. And I’ve been so fortunate to work with so many supportive actors. My dad was so proud of me and he would be proud to see me today standing on this stage. I feel very lucky to be here.

I remember the first time my name was in the New York Times crossword, everyone texted me and they said, “You made it.” And I thought I did. But then a couple months ago, SNL called me and said “Ana, we want you to host,” and I was so shocked and excited that all I could say was “I beg your pardon?”

We have a great show for you tonight. Karol G is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

American Girl Doll Movie Trailer

Molly… Molly Sherman

Kirsten… Heidi Gardner

Samantha… Chloe Fineman

Hosofina… Ana de Armas

Addy… Ego Nwodim

Kit… Molly Kearney

Male voice: People can’t stop talking about the trailer for the new Barbie movie. But not all dolls live in a dream house. Some are bigger, younger, sadder. Some dolls are American girl.

Molly: Hi Kirsten.

Kirsten: Hi Molly.

Kit: Hi Samantha.

Samantha: Hi Hosofina.

Hosofina: Hi Kit.

Addy: And I’m Addy. No one said hi to me.

Male voice: This summer, a new live action story about your favorite historically accurate dolls. Each with their own harrowing backstory.

Samantha: I’m a bitchy orphan from Victorian times. I watched my parents die in a boat.

Kirsten: That’s okay. My best friend Marta died of cholera.

Kit: That’s okay. My dad is a prisoner of war. And tragically, I have glasses.

Hosofina: That’s okay. My mama is dead. We bury her in the church graveyard.

Addy: That’s okay. I don’t know my birthday because I’m a runaway slave.

[silence]

Hosofina: Let’s play.

All: Yay!

Male voice: Do they have pink Corvettes? No! Boyfriends? No way. Did all their family members die of vague old timey diseases? Absolutely.

Kit: Fashion Show!

Male voice: Come for the fun. Stay for the overburdened preteens wearing four layers of Petticoats and pantaloons.

Samantha: What’s wrong, Hosofina? You’ve barely touched your tea.

Hosofina: The memory of my Mama is slipping away.

Molly: Look what I can do. [coughs blood on tissue]

[cut to Molly being covered by white sheet because she’s dead]

Kirsten: That’s okay.

All: Yeah. That’s okay.

Kirsten: Audiences are raving. “We loved it,” says girls who played soccer magazine. The New York Times write “These little girls are going through too much.”

Kirsten: What do you say girls? Should we have a sleepover tonight?

All: Yay.

Kirsten: What about you Addy?

Addy: I’m good. I don’t trust none of y’all.

Male voice: Watch as the American girls travel on a journey from American girl land to the modern world.

Kit: I’m going to stop World War II.

Hosofina: And I’m going to stop the Spanish American War.

Kirsten: And I’m going to end cholera.

[Now Kirsten coughs blood on tissue]

[cut to they throw away a dead body out of a carriage]

All: That’s okay.

Album Recording Session

Young Spicy… Young Spicy Walker

Ego Nwodim

Ana De Armas

Kenan Thompson

Young Spicy: Hey what’s up y’all? My name is Young Spicy and I’m a producer I’m about to release my first album – Jalapeno Jones. Yeah, thanks for helping us out today.

Ego: How you doin?

Ana: Hey, what’s good, Spicy?

Young Spicy: So basically we just looking for a new producer tag from our beats. So someone kind of sexy and cool.

Kenan: Yeah, so for example something like –

Female voice: Mike Quilt Naden.

Kenan: Or this one…

Female: Maybach Music.

Young Spicy: We’ve heard you to some beautiful voices, so we just need you to say something like “Young Spicy so Fago”.

Ana: Yeah, we can do that.

Ego: Okay, we got you Mr. Spicy.

Kenan: All right, I’m gonna go ahead and start to beat. You two take it away and then let’s get some lunch. Take one.

Ego: Okay, yeah, we’ll give you some options.

[beat playing]

Ooh, Young Spicy got that fire.

Ana: Da-da-da-damn Young Spicy is flaming hot.

Young Spicy: Yeah, yeah, exactly like that. Yeah, keep that going.

Ego: Oh Young Spicy, you stupid.

Ana: Oh, Spicy can’t read.

Ego: Damn Spicy, you illiterate.

Young Spicy: Okay, I love it. But just FYI, I can read. I’m a reader.

Ego: Okay, we got you, we got you.

Ana: Ooh, Spicy can read but he struggles with ma-ma-ma-ma-math.

Young Spicy: Alright, let’s stop. Let’s stop.

Kenan: Wow, I think we got it man. Let’s get some lunch.

Young Spicy: No, no lunch, alright? So y’all remember the assignment, right?

Ana: Yeah, we hear you. We’re good.

Ego: Yeah, but we artists. So we just responded to the vibes.

Young Spicy: Okay, let’s do a different vibe then. Okay? Maybe let’s do something like, “Ooh Spicy, these beats nasty.”

Ego: Okay. I see you.

Ana: Okay, cool.

Ego: All right.

Kenan: Alright, cool. One more take and we are getting gyros. Yeah. Tzatziki sauce on the side. Take two.

Ana: Okay, so like- Oh Spicy, you filthy for this.

Young Spicy: Exactly. Yeah. Let’s get a couple more like that. Yeah.

Ego: Spicy, why you sleep next to your laundry?

Ana: Oh, Spices don’t wash his pillows, he’s gross. Yeah.

Ego: Damn Spicy, you got that dark ring around your toilet. I’m uncomfortable here.

Ana: Da-da-da-damn Spicy, you live like this?

Young Spicy: Alright, let’s stop. Let’s actually stop. Okay, ladies, I’m begging you. Can y’all just say something like – “Ou, the ladies love Spicy,” something like that?

Kenan: Yeah, and after this take, I’m gonna give me a little hummus with the pita bread. Take three.

Ego: Damn Spice again, everybody pregnant.

Young Spicy: Okay, we’re getting closer. We’re getting closer. I dig that. Yeah.

Ego: Ou Spicy, the baby is yours for sure.

Ana: Da-da-da-da-damn Spicy, my water broke.

Ego: Damn Spicy, I’ma name the baby Delante.

Ana: Hey Spicy, I need you to drive me to the hospital in your 2001 Co-co-co-co-Corolla.

Young Spicy: No. No. No baby stuff. No baby stuff. And leave my Corolla out of this, alright? Just do something about like, talk about like, how like, Spicy gets you hot. Something like that.

Ego: Okay. Damnm Spicy got me sweating.

Young Spicy: Yes, thank you. Yeah.

Ana: Oh, I don’t usually sweat like this, I’m scared.

Ego: Da-da-da-da-damn Spicy, why the room spinning all of a sudden?

Ana: Damn spicy, all I had was one sprite, I shouldn’t be filled like th-th-th-th-this.

Ego: Oh, I think Spicy put something in my d-d-d-d-drink.

Ana: Sp-sp-sp-sp-Spicy needs to be on the watch list.

Young Spicy: Ay, cut that track. Cut that. Cut that and delete that. Delete that actually. You know what? Actually, let’s just call it a day. I’m good.

Ego: Okay, I mean listen-

Ana: Whenever. I mean, what we gave you was flago.

Ego: Yeah, you should just use the one about the ring around your toilet for real.

Kenan: Ay Spicy, can I try one?

Young Spicy: Bro, what?

Kenan: Please?

Young Spicy: Alright.

Kenan: Yeah, Spicy got that fire.

Young Spicy: Okay, I like that here.

Kenan: Yes, Spicy got that heat.

Young Spicy: Okay.

Kenan: Despite his struggles with his reading.

Young Spicy: No.

Kenan: That’s not good? That’s not good?

Weekend Update- Rupert Murdoch Calls Off Engagement, Pope Francis Praises Sex

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a boy.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that the average child throws a tantrum four times a week, weeknights on Fox.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rupert Murdoch and Anne Leslie Smith.]

Michael Che: Rupert Murdoch’s engagement to Anne Leslie Smith has been called off apparently. She got cold feet after Murdoch passed his physical.

[Picture changes to Pope Francis]

In a new documentary, Pope Francis praises the virtues of sex calling it one of the beautiful things that God has given to the human person. Not the way I do it. Am I right, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Woman goes on 34 dates in 20 countries”.]

Colin Jost: No. I hope not. I don’t know. A woman has been traveling the world since she’s gone on 34 first dates in nearly 20 countries. Her secret? She’s being sex trafficked.

A new app called “Greether” is designed to help women travel alone safely by providing people to greet them when they arrive at airports or hotels. And it’s being used for murder.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “YouTube pranker shot”.]

Michael Che: A Virginia man who pranks people for YouTube videos was shot while tricking someone in a mall. Good.

[Picture changes to a Vogue magazine]

A 106 year old woman in the Philippines has become the oldest Vogue cover model ever beating the previous record of 29.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guy with Hitler mustache.]

Michael Che: A Jeopardy contestant this week was forced to quit social media after people said his mustache looks like Hitler’s. The contestant said he’s so mad, he’s had it up to here. [raising his hand like Hitler salute]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of astronauts. Three are white and one is black.]

Michael Che: NASA has named the four astronauts it will send on the Artemis II mission to the moon, and if things go wrong, I think I know who’s dying first. [Audience awwing] What? He could do the Hitler salute?

Weekend Update- LSU’s Angel Reese on Her White House Invitation

Angel Reese… Punkie Johnson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: There was controversy this week. When LSU basketball star Angel Reese refused an invitation to the White House to celebrate her team’s national championship. But now she has decided to go. So here to comment is Angel Reese.

[Angel Reese slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Angel Reese: Yeah, the Bayou Barbie is in the building. Louisiana, stand tall.

Michael Che: Well Angel, you had quite a week.

Angel Reese: Yeah. I got people big mad. First they were mad because I was taunting. But all I did was this. You would have thought I pulled my nipple out and flicked it on national TV. Then they were mad because I didn’t want to go to the White House. But Che, they invited Iowa.

Michael Che: But they lost.

Angel Reese: Exactly. In the history of sports, when you lose you take your ass home. But then white girls lose. And suddenly it’s all teams matter.

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you changed your mind. That’d be pretty cool.

Angel Reese: Yeah, it’ll be cool for them. I’m a big deal now, Che. Since college players get endorsements now, ‘m about to cash in. And my brand works for anything. How this sounds, Che? “Degree deodorant. Y’all stank.”

Michael Che: It seems aggressive.

Angel Reese: Okay, how about this one? “Garden Gnomes. Man, get yo little ass out my face.”

Michael Che: That’s a commercial for Garden Gnomes?

Angel Reese: Yeah. If the money right. Now, here’s my favorite. “Big ass eyelashes. Empowering women ballers and snuffleupacus since Angel Reese97Michael Che.”

Michael Che: Well Angel, I’m glad that you’re enjoying the moment.

Angel Reese: Yeah, I am. Look, last week women’s sports was boring. Now all you’re talking about is women’s sports. All this week. Why? Because women is balling right now. Man, I dropped 15 on Iowa. I went hard in the paint. I grabbed about 10 boards without even messing up my eyelashes. The only thing I regret is not getting more buckets. I could have picked that ball up, bounced it off old girl head like I was in the A-one tour. But you know, I was already in foul trouble, so your girl had to chill. And now I’m just sitting back getting all this Baby Gap money.

Michael Che: Why are you endorsed by Baby Gap?

Angel Reese: Because all these bitches is my son.

Michael Che: Angel Reese, everybody.

Angel Reese: You can’t see me. We going back to back. Angel Reese.

Weekend Update- Jafar on Ron DeSantis’ Attacks on Disney

Michael Che

Jafar… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, Governor Ron DeSantis wrapped up his war on Disney after they stopped his attempts to control Disney World’s district. Here to comment is the villain from the movie Aladdin, Jafar.

[Jafar slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Jafar: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hello, Michael. So this is the famous Rockefeller palace.

Michael Che: Okay, so Jafar, as a Disney character, what do you think of Ron DeSantis?

Jafar: You mean the boy? Well Michael, as far as villains go, the boy’s an amateur. He has no rizz, no spark, no drip. The look is giving baby mayor. I mean he did wear those white cowboy boots, but let’s be honest, they wore him.

Michael Che: Well, he might not look the part, but are you saying the sandals isn’t bad enough?

Jafar: Not at all. Don’t get me wrong, the boys plenty evil. I mean, banning Rosa Parks and schools. I’m a dark sorcerer and even I was like “Jesus dude, it’s Rosa Park.”

Michael Che: Yeah, now he’s coming for Disney after their stance against his “Don’t say gay” bill.

Jafar: Ha-ha-ha-ha. If the boy thinks he can somehow prevent Disney World from being gay, that carpet has flown. You know what I mean?

Michael Che: No, I really don’t.

Jafar: I mean, if you opened up Grindr on Main Street USA, your phone explodes. And everywhere else in the park, it’s nothing but 40 year old men with braces. I don’t know what that is, but it ain’t straight.

Michael Che: Or are you saying that you’re-

Jafar: A little light in the loafers? Did my John Water stash not tip you off? Of course I’m gay, you petulant fool. My waist is snatched, my eyeliner on point, my final form is a yolked Genie with goddess nails. And I might grow pony. But yeah, Michael I love cooch.

Michael Che: Yeah, I got it. Well. It seems like DeSantis doesn’t even want anything remotely gay happening at Disney World at all.

Jafar: Ugh. There’s already a gay. There’s already a Disney World where nothing gay happens. It’s called Six Flags. There are lots of them at Disney, Michael. Ursula the lesbian,Scar is bi, and Mulan just got top surgery, congrats to them. Now if I may, I’d like to address the boy, DeSantis. Well, if it isn’t the swamp rat, bravo for attempting to seize our precious land, only to be thwarted once again by the House of Mouse. You pitiful straight, you can try to stop us boy. But we ill outsmart your to every turn. “Don’t say gay?” Well, if there is no gay, there is no Disney. And everyone loves Disney, including you. Because your dumbass got married there. And that’s the gayest thing you can do. Though I’m sorry, Mr. DeSante, the gay shall stay and you stay away.

Where were we, Michael? Oh yes. Your earring. It intrigues me.

Michael Che: No, no. Jafar, everybody.

Jafar: Your wedding was at the Grand Floridian and it was gorgeous. It was a gorgeous wedding.

Weekend Update- Donald Trump’s Arraignment, Marjorie Taylor Greene Slams NYC

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Wall Street Journal logo.]

The Wall Street Journal is calling on Russia to release one of their journalists who was arrested on espionage charges. And I might have the perfect idea for a prisoner swap. [Picture changes to Donald Trump]

Former President Trump was arraigned on Tuesday and a photographer released this photo of Trump in the courtroom. And I don’t like that he’s flanked by an O.J. amount of lawyers. Because that tells me he’s definitely guilty and that he’s definitely getting away with it. Trump’s lawyer Joe Tacopina, aka Phony Soprano said that he doesn’t think Trump is gonna get a fair trial in Manhattan and I agree. I mean, even the courtroom sketch artist seems to hate him. When he showed up, I thought he looked perfectly nice. He had blended his foundation. He had stapled down his hair. But the guy still drew him like the mud monster from Scooby Doo.

[[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump.]

Michael Che: After his arraignment, Donald Trump spoke to supporters at Mar-a-Lago and said there was a very dark cloud over our beloved country, which is also what he used to call Obama.

Insiders are saying that since Donald Trump’s indictment, his daughter Ivanka has been absent, and his other daughter Tiffany is trying to take her place by his side just as soon as she gets through security.

[Picture changes to Marjorie Taylor Green]

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene seen here shouting “Jump you coward,” visited New York to protest the arrest of Donald Trump and called the city filthy, disgusting and repulsive. But as a New Yorker, let me just say you forgot “rat infested.” Don’t ever forget our rats.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Clarence Thomas.]

Colin Jost: A new report claims that for decades, Clarence Thomas and his wife went on luxury trips paid for by Republican mega donor and whitest guy with the blackest name, Harlan crow. Justice Thomas accepted the free trips the same way he approaches working on the Supreme Court with no questions asked. It was also revealed today that Harlan Crowe has a vast collection of Nazi memorabilia including a copy of “Mein Kampf” signed by Hitler. Worse, the signature reads “Dear Harlan, big fan, – Adolf.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of two black men.]

Michael Che: Tennessee Republicans expelled to black lawmakers for protesting gun violence, but did not expel a white lawmaker who protested with them. Republicans said they know what it looks like but they were actually expelled because their skin is black.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ron Desantis.]

Colin Jost: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis who always looks like someone told him to go home and get his shine box signed a bill that allows Florida residents to carry concealed guns without a permit. Because Florida is dangerous and you just never know when someone is going to run up to you and say “Gay.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Joe Biden, Jill Biden and King charles.]

Michael Che: President Biden called King Charles this week to tell him that first lady Joe Biden will attend his coronation, along with her plus one, the Iowa women’s basketball team.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of King Charles.]

Colin Jost: King Charles said that researchers will be given access to Royal archives after it was discovered that his ancestors had shares in a slave trading company. Yeah, it was called England.

Weekend Update- Co-Worker Who’s Extremely Busy Doing Seemingly Nothing on Returning to the Office

Colin Jost

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week, the Labor Department released data showing that more Americans are returning to the office in person. Here to comment is your coworker who’s extremely busy doing seemingly nothing.

[Crystal slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Crystal: Hi. Hi. Oh my god Colin, we’ve got to make this quick because I really got to get back. I gotta get back.

Colin Jost: Oh okay. Well, you just got here, Crystal. And thank you for being here.

Crystal: Icebreaker, icebreaker. Colin, how are you? Don’t answer that. Literally don’t have time to hear your answer. I am so slammed.

Colin Jost: Oh, so what do you do for work?

Crystal: Umm… [showing a bunch of papers] this!

Colin Jost: Wow, okay, well I guess I’d love to get a sense of like what you do in a day.

Crystal: Um, yeah. What don’t I do? Okay. Ask my team. Where are they? On my back. And my phone’s blowing up. I’m in hell.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry that you’re so slammed. Crystal.

Crystal: I need a vacation, but knowing me, I’d bring my work phone, aka, my husband.

Colin Jost: I love that you kissed your phone, but yeah I’m just so curious about what your job is.

Crystal: Colin, to explain it, the level I would have to start at, I literally don’t have the bandwidth. [looking at the papers] Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay. Oh my god. [showing a paper to Colin] Look.

Colin Jost: Yeah, this is a sign up sheet for birthday cake.

Crystal: Yeah, yeah. And then bringing Oreo Cheesecake. That ain’t gonna work. There goes my Easter Sunday.

Colin Jost: Why would there go your Easter Sunday?

Crystal: And doo-doo-doo-doo. [throws away her phone] I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: Crystal, can you just tell me one thing you do?

Crystal: Yeah. Okay, look. All right. So look at my spreadsheet, okay? These are all emails I’ve received.

Colin Jost: Great. Thanks.

Crystal: Now you understand?

Colin Jost: No, I don’t. No, I don’t understand. Where do you work?

Crystal: In the weeds.

Colin Jost: Okay. All right. I mean specifically. Specifically. Specifically where?

Crystal: Neck deep.

Colin Jost: No, that is not an answer. What do you do?

Crystal: Well, I’ll tell you what I don’t do. Eat. I haven’t eaten in months.

Colin Jost: Okay. Oh my god. Crystal, you need to take care of yourself.

Crystal: Umm, Kale see czar, my favorite. You know what? It’s kind of nice eating on the table and not on the toilet.

Colin Jost: Do you eat on the toilet?

Crystal: And I got an alert on my salad phone. [pulls a phone out of her food bowl]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What does it say?

Crystal: I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: Stop throwing things.

Crystal: Keep talking because I am listening. Oh my god. I just pulled my pinky.

Colin Jost: Okay, Crystal, I just saw on your computer that all you have opened as a bunch of tabs for Ann Taylor and Loft.

Crystal: For work, of course. Because I am always here.

Colin Jost: Right. And where? Like, honestly, what do you do?

Crystal: I’m Che’s assistant.

Colin Jost: You’re Che’s assistant?

Michael Che: Hey, Chris is the best.

Colin Jost: Very busy coworker, everyone.

Crystal: I’m screwed.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Valets

Steven… James Austin Johnson

Jenny… Molly Shanon

Stanley… Kenan Thompson

Andrew: Hello, everyone and welcome to your first day at Vincent’s valets. Now, being a valet is the hardest job in the world. Forgot about brain surgery. It’s the second hardest job in the world.

Steven: Got it.

Stanley: Yeah.

Jenny: Totally. Yeah.

Andrew: Okay, now I believe that everyone can be a great valet as long as you follow these three simple rules. Lil joke, lil bow, lil jog. This is the cornerstone of quality valet. Allow me to demonstrate. [runs to the guests]

Chloe: Here you go.

Andrew: Oh, thanks ladies. Hey, you know, your sister is quite the looker.

Sarah: You’re bad.

Andrew: Y’all enjoy yourselves now.

Steven: That was neat.

Jenny: That was the littlest jog I’ve ever seen I think.

Andrew: Okay, thank you. Steven, it’s your turn. And remember, lil joke, lil bow, little jog.

Steven: Yes, sir. [goes to the guests] Howdy, folks?

Michael: Ah, it’s a Porche.

Steven: Oh, a Porche. Compensating for something? My condolences, miss. She’s all, “Is it in yet?” And you’re all, “I’m giving it all she’s got, captain.” Ha-ha-ha-ha. Y’all enjoy yourself now.

Andrew: No.

Steven: You know what? You know what? Don’t even say it. I gave him back his keys. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.

Andrew: Yeah that, and your joke was about a customer’s penis and then you ran away at top speed.

Steven: That was not even close to my top speed, but okay, go off.

Andrew: Alright guys, let’s try to remember keep a little, okay? You see a little this is? See how lil that is? See how lil that is? It took me 10 years to get this little. Okay?

Stanley: That is little.

Andrew: Okay, Jenny, you want to go get their keys?

Jenny: Oh, sure.

Andrew: Okay. And again, hey, lil joke, lil bow, lil jog.

Jenny: Got it. [run to the same guests] Okay, hi there, folks. Did I get the ticket? Oh, here you go.

Heidi: Thank you so much.

Jenny: Oh, nice car you got there. I might have to steal that baby. I’m just kidding. But I actually could. Just kidding. I’m actually in love with you. No, I’m not. I’m really married. We broke up though. I met him online and turns out he was in sick middle school or using a hospital computer. [bows]

Andrew: Okay, no! Yeah, bring it on back. Bring it on back. No, over here. Yeah. Good try, but I almost wish you stopped after the first thing you said.

Jenny: Well, how was that?

Andrew: Not very good.

Jenny: I’ll do it next time.

Andrew: Stanley, you wanna give it a try?

Stanley: Okie, dokie. [walks to the guest]

Punkie: Thank you.

Stanley: You ever come here before?

Punkie: What? I’m sorry. I can’t really hear what you-

Stanley: [yelling] Pass!

Andrew: Okay! Yikes, you want to tell us what happened there, Stanley?

Stanley: Yes. I talked too quiet and then I said pass real loud.

Andrew: That’s right, Stanley. Good. Oh, you got another customer.

Jenny: Can you let me try the next one?

Andrew: Okay, fine, but take it slow, Jenny.

Jenny: Okay.

Kearney: Careful. She’s got a temper.

Jenny: Okay. Yeah, actually me too. I’m kidding. No, actually, I’m in love with you. How about you rip off this turquoise and put a baby inside of me?

Andrew: Bail! Bail!

Jenny: Guys, this is so hard.

Stanley: I think I got it now, sir.

Andrew: Okay, are you sure Stanley?

Stanley: Yeah, it’s a lil joke, lil bow and a lil jog. It’s pretty simple.

Andrew: All right. That’s what I like to hear. Go give it a shot.

Stanley: All right. Let’s do this. [runs to the guest] I’m gonna steal your car, you black bitch. [jogs back] Before you say anything, I know that wasn’t right.

Andrew: Just forget it. I mean, if we can’t get this right, we might as well shut down. Guess rich people can park their own cars.

Steven: Hey, hey, don’t say that. I promise I’ll make you proud.

Jenny: And I’ll practice my job every day.

Andrew: You will? Thanks guys.

Stanley: Yeah, also accidentally I swallowed all the keys.

Andrew: Alright, then. Let’s go to the hospital.

Trump Easter Cold Open

Jesus… Mikey Day

Judas… Molly Kearney

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

Male voice: Easter, the celebration of the resurrected Christ. The Bible tells us Jesus travelled to Jerusalem for Passover where his radical message of peace and love enraged the authorities. In the coming days he will be arrested, tried and executed. This he tells his disciples on their final evening together, a meal we will come to call ‘the Last Supper.’

Jesus: My friends, and Judas, hear me now for soon I will leave you and join my Father in heaven.

Bowen: We cannot lose your Jesus, we will protect you.

Andrew: They will never find you, Jesus.

Jesus: Alas, one of you will betray me.

Bowen: Oh, no.

Judas: What?

Jesus: It is foretold. Though I have committed no crime, I will be arrested, tried and found guilty.

[Donald Trump walks in]

Donald Trump: Sound familiar? Thank you so much. A famous, wonderful man arrested for no reason at all. If you haven’t put it together, folks, I’m comparing myself to Jesus again. And what better time than on his birthday, Easter? As we speak, I am being persecuted on a level the likes of which the world has never seen even worse than the late great Jesus. You know, many people are saying we’re very similar. We’re both very tall, very popular, and both frankly, white Americans. You know, Jesus did some incredible things. Some would call them miracles, in terms of fish, and with regard to bread. Lots of fish and bread. He rose from the dead on the third day, I would have done it faster, possibly two days. I think we could have done it a lot faster. But he had a good mind for business. Water into wine, pure profit. And he had big, big rallies just like me. And a lot of his followers got in big, big trouble just like mine. All because I told them exactly what Jesus would have said, “Get very violent and start a war.” And I’ve even got my very own Judas, Ron DeSantis. Ron DeSantis came to me tears in his eyes. He said, “Help me Mr. Trump, I’m gonna lose my election.” So I very generously pretended to like him. And then he did a Judas. And now he can’t even get the gays out of Disney World. It’s an awkward time.

Look at these guys back here. You just have to sit here frozen while I talk. Can you believe that? Mr. Jesus, quite a guy. But now people are saying perhaps I’m even better than Jesus because I’m a self made billionaire. And Christ was, let’s call it what it is, a Nepo baby. Okay? I mean, his dad was God. It’s pretty easy to start a religion when your dad is God. He did Good Friday. I said, “Why don’t make it great. We can make it great.” With me. We’ll be doing great Friday, perhaps even TGI Fridays? With the stuff on the walls and everything.

But we love Easter. We love hiding the egg, don’t we folks? We love hiding the little eggs. You know, I have many beautiful eggs from my time at the White House. And now the Department of Justice is saying Where are the eggs? We need the eggs back. But I hid them. They’re my eggs. They’re my eggs to take, okay?

So tomorrow I will eat by Easter hamburger with my family, or hopefully not. And then after that, they will come to me locked me away. Because just like Jesus, all I did was be friendly to a sex worker and now they want to put me in jail. But who knows folks? Maybe prison will make me even more popular like that guy back there. Jesus of Azkaban, that guy. Jesus of Azkaban, he’s called. And that is the story of Easter. Happy birthday, Jesus. Look at the fingers. He’s stuck doing the fingers the whole time. Weird choice with the fingers. Look at Jesus. So Happy Hanukkah too, all the pass overs. And all the Ramadan too. We love to say Ramadan? That’s right. But mostly, happy Easter because we like Jesus, right? Still frozen with the little hand. They’re not even gonna get to see the big line. Maybe if you break a big political character, you can see the big line. I’m going to do it by myself right now. So Happy Easter and live from New York, it’s Saturday night.