SNL Tonight

Party in Palm Springs

Vince… Michael B Jordan

Ego Nwodim

Sarah Sherman

Chloe Fineman

Punkie Johnson

Janinaneen … Heidi Gardner

[Starts with four ladies having a bachelorette party]

All: Cheers! Whoo!

Ego: After all this wedding planning, I needed this Palm Springs trip, okay?

Sarah: Well your bachelorette weekend ain’t over yet, honey.

[doorbell ringing]

Ego: Oh my gosh, don’t tell me. Don’t tell me.

Sarah: It’s about to get hot in here.

[Vince walks in in a Fireman uniform with a hose]

Vince: Hello ladies, my name is Vince. And I just got word that y’all buildings out of code. And that makes me horny.

[music playing]

[Vince starts dancing]

Ego: You guys are so bad. This is what I’m talking about.

Vince: I’m about to introduce y’all to my friends, Pop and Lock. [showing his two arms]

Chloe: Yay, he’s so hot.

Sarah: You’re welcome. I saw him on the website and I was immediately rock hard.

Ego: Okay, okay. Mr. Pop and Lock, go on.

Punkie: Oh my god, this is crazy.

Chloe: Okay, how red is my face right now?

Vince: Well, we all gonna be off tonight girls. We all go on blush. Your turn bride to be.

[Vince danced in front of Ego]

[doorbell ringing]

Ego: Oh-oh. Wait, do we have another firefighter?

Punkie: Not that we paid for.

Janinaneen: Hey, I’m sorry to bug y’all. Vince babe, my phone died.

Punkie: What? Who is that?

Vince: Oh, my bad. This is my wife, Janinaneen.

[Janinaneen walks in. She’s pregnant.]

Janinaneen: Hey. Sorry. I hate to ask. Can I change my Galaxy for literally two minutes?

Chloe: Sure. I guess.

Janinaneen: Oh, thank you so much. My mom got glute surgery today and we’re just praying she’s okay.

Vince: Wow, the hospitality is biblical. Thank you queens. Urgh. You alright, babe?

Janinaneen: Um, I’m charging. Oh, pictures on my mom’s new ass just came in. She made it. God is good. God is good. Okay, now watch my king strip. Hit it.

Vince: Where was I? Oh, yeah, I’ll introduce y’all to my friends, Pop and Lock.

Janinaneen: Oh yeah, there he is. Sit on them, Vince. Sit on them.

[Vince sits on Punkie and dances]

[Janinaneen moves closer and puts her pregnant belly on Chloe’s face and starts dancing]

Yeah, he made this. He made this. He made this. He made this. He made this.

Chloe: Okay. No. Okay. I am so sorry. I can’t, you guys. I can’t.

Ego: Yeah, you know, I think I was envisioning just like one dancer and not like a pregnant woman with a really long phone charger.

Janinaneen: Girl, don’t hold back because of me. You can touch him. You can kiss him. I promise you, I don’t mind, [pointing at her pregnant belly] and she don’t mind.

Vince: See? See? See? I love that about us. 100% trust. [in Ego’s ears] Oh, I hope and pray to God you find that in your wedding. Oh. I hope and pray to god.

Ego: Okay. Thank you.

Vince: Hit it. Hit it. Because that one my friends, that keeps the relationship alive. It keeps the sexuality alive.

[Vince and Janinaneen start dancing. The ladies start to move away from them.]

Punkie: Okay. This is getting just a little bit weird.

Sarah: Guys, we already paid him the 30 bucks. Just let him finish.

Ego: 30 bucks? My peanut butter cost 30 bucks.

Punkie: Bitch, where you getting peanut butter?

Chloe: Okay, I’m sorry, are they praying?

Vince: I humbly thank God for the power strip. Umm.

Janinaneen: And I pray the lord for these Chickies for letting me charge my galaxy.

Both: Amen.

Vince: Whoo! Where was I? Oh yeah, that’s right. I was introducing y’all to my two friends, Pop and Lock.

Ego: We already met them.

Janinaneen: [putting the water hose between her legs like penis] Hey hoes, who wants to ride his hose? [She’s touching the hose on Chloe’s and Sarah’s faces]

Sarah: This is stressing me out. I feel like we’ll end up on the news.

Chloe: Okay, alright. Okay, alright, enough. We’re done. We’re done.

Punkie: Yes, this is not what we paid for. Okay?

Janinaneen: No, you got more than what you paid for. Three strippers for the price of one.

Ego: Ma’am please stop referring to your fetus as a stripper.

[Janinaneen’s water breaks]

Janinaneen: Oh my god, my water broke.

Chloe: Oh my god.

Ego: Wait, how pregnant is she?

Vince: Just a little over a year, but whatever.

Punkie: What? Oh my god. I’m calling an ambulance.

Janinaneen: WE don’t have time. I’ll have the baby here with my girls.

Vince: We got this, girls. We got this. Okay, hit the music.

[music playing]

All: Push, push, push. Push, push, push. Push, push, push.

Michael B. Jordan Monologue

Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Michael B. Jordan.

[Michael B. Jordan walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Michael B. Jordan: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be here. My name is Michael B. Jordan. But tonight, Michael B hosting. Michael B joking. And honestly, Michael B nervous. Michael B vulnerable. But don’t worry, Michael B alright. Because Michael B in therapy.

It’s been a great week here in SNL. Yesterday, I had a crazy full circle moment. We pre shot some videos for the show. And when I got to the studio, I realized it was the exact same place where I shot one of my first acting roles on the soap opera “All my children”. I was 16 years old. Here’s a clip.

[Cut to old video clip]

Michael B. Jordan: I told you in the beginning that you set the pace.

Female actress: So you’re not mad?

Michael B. Jordan: No. Most of the times, the animal and me just kiss kind of crazy. [howling]

[cut back to SNL stage]

Michael B. Jordan: Pretty sure I hit puberty mid how. That was 2003. And now 20 years later, I just directed my very first movie Creed III. Right after that, I went through my very  first public breakup. Now most people after a breakup are like, “I’m gonna get in better shape.” But I was already in Creed shape. So I had to be like, “Alright, I guess I’ll learn a new language.” Anyway, [foreign language]. After the break up, everyone thought I was so heartbroken because when the news came out, I was at a basketball game and they caught me looking like this. [picture of him at a basketball game appears] Look, I was just chilling, but the internet decided that that was me being sad. Luckily for me, if you Google sad Michael Jordan, the first 8000 results are this. [picture of Michael Jordan crying appears]

[Chloe Fineman walks in laughing]

Chloe Fineman: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hey Michael.

Michael B. Jordan: What’s up, Chloe?

Chloe Fineman: I know you’re single, but did you know that I’m single?

Michael B. Jordan: But don’t date that hot writer?

Chloe Fineman: Not if you’re available. Hey, could you remind me how to spell your number?

[Heidi Gardner jumps in]

Heidi Gardner: Hey, Chloe, don’t you have to go away?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, I’m sorry, bitch.

Heidi Gardner: Hey, Mikey B. Mind if I call you Mikey B?

Michael B. Jordan: I’d rather you not.

Heidi Gardner: Ou, a man who knows what he wants. I like that. You know, I have a Creed poster in my bedroom.

Michael B. Jordan: Oh, nice. I always dreamed of people having my own poster up on the wall.

Heidi Gardner: Yeah. Wall, ceiling, printed onto a body pillow, whatever.

[Ego Nwodim jumps in wearing a wedding dress]

Ego Nwodim: Excuse me. Gone bitch. Hey, Michael. I didn’t even know you were out here.

Michael B. Jordan: You didn’t know I’d be on stage delivering my own monologue?

Ego Nwodim: Sorry, I was just taking a walk around the studio and I just threw on. On my god, is this a wedding dress? I guess we could technically get married right now then.  Huh?

Michael B. Jordan: That’s not how that works.

Ego Nwodim: Aww, our first fight. Should we have a makeup sex?

Michael B. Jordan: That ain’t gonna happen.

Ego Nwodim: Fine, Michael.

[Punkie Johnson walks in]

Punkie Johnson: Michael, Michael, Michael. Boy, you looking fine as ever as always.

Michael B. Jordan: What you doing, Punkie?

Punkie Johnson: I got the same suit like you got.

Michael B. Jordan: Come on, come on. Aren’t you gay?

Punkie Johnson: I am. But you Michael B. Jorda. And I’m Punkie B. curious. I mean, even vegans got cheat days, right?

Michael B. Jordan: No, they don’t.

Punkie Johnson: Ha-ha-ha. Boy, you’re so funny. I’ll see you at the after party, baby.

Michael B. Jordan: Look, I just want to say I’m so grateful to be standing on this stage. You know, sometimes I can take myself a little too seriously. But tonight, I’m gonna have fun. I’m just gonna go for it. It maybe, just maybe, let the inner animal get a little crazy. All right? [howling]  We got a great show for you tonight. Lil’ Baby is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Male Confidence Seminar

Andrew Dismukes

Ron… Bowen Yang

Devon Walker

James Austin Martin

Michael B. Jordan

Michael Longfellow

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with a number of adult males in a confidence seminar]

Andrew: Say it again.

Ron: I’m strong. I’m desirable. People want to have sex with me.

Andrew: Now roar like a lion.

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Louder!

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Wow. Give it up for Ron everybody. Yes, I have chills. See? That’s what male charisma training is all about. Confidence. You see, I used to be a lot like you guys. Awkward, hated my body, walked around like this. But then I developed my social Mastery program. And now look at me. I stand like an alpha. I’ve got the scarf. I effing made it.

[everybody claps]

You. You’ve taken my class before, yes?

Devon: Yes, sir. Three times. Yeah. And I have an update. Actually, I got a girlfriend now.

Andrew: Hell, yes. What was your approach?

Devon: Well, she’s not a girlfriend. You know, she’s actually like a barista. So.

Andrew: Oh. But hey, introduce yourself, right?

Devon: No, sir.

Andrew: So you saw girl at a coffee shop? Cool round of applause for him. That’s not nothing, folks. That’s not nothing. Yes, a question in the back.

[Michael is there carrying a jar of water]

Michael: Yeah. Where do you want this water delivery?

Andrew: I don’t know. Dude, do I look like I work for the hotel?

[everybody laughing]

Michael: Oh, okay. My apologies. [he’s looking for a place to put it]

Andrew: You, question?

James: Yeah. I’m pretty lonely. I have a job. I feel like I’m doing everything right. I just get nervous that women are going to make fun of me if I approach them.

Andrew: Mm-hmm. And what do you do for work?

James: I critique female stand ups on YouTube.

Andrew: Sure, sure. Look, after one session here, nothing will rattle you. Okay? Watch this. Anybody out there? Anybody. Say the meanest thing you can think of me? Anybody?

Michael: [sitting quietly at the back] Forehead.

Andrew: Sorry, what does that even mean?

Michael: Forehead.

Andrew: Okay, sure. It’s just funny because I don’t like to have weird forehead.

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Just keep talking, goofy.

Andrew: I’m not goofy. I’m actually regular. All right? Listen, when you approach a lady what you want to do is you want to take an alpha body stance. Broad shoulders.

Michael: Hmm, broad forehead.

Andrew: Sir! Sir, I’m fine if you stay. Just don’t interrupt me, please.

Michael: No, I might. I might.

Andrew: Okay, look, no matter what a lady throws at you, and they can say some pretty random stuff. Just roll with it. I’ll show you any volunteer. [Michael and James stand up] Oh, I think you stood up first, sir? [pointing at James]

Michael: Bro, if you’re cool with it, you know what I’m saying, you don’t mind if I do this, right?

James: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah. Yeah. See, Dexter’s Lab was cool with it. Go ahead, goofy.

Andrew: Not goofy. All right. I’m going to do what I call a basic opening. Hey, Goddess, what’s your name?

Michael: You a bitch.

Andrew: Hey. Hey. Just do the exercise. What’s your name?

Michael: Forehead Jackson.

Andrew: It’s not. Please sit down here.

Michael: Um, nah. I’m good here.

Andrew: That’s fine. Any final questions?

Mike: Yeah, I was wondering if you have any tips on coping with having a big old forehead?

Michael: I don’t have a big old forehead, okay? Not like you, dude. I’m cool. Got the scarf, the rings. You know, I’m in charge like immediately.

Michael: You got to Jimmy Neutron head, bro.

Marcello: He kinda does.

Andrew: No. No, my head’s regular. Not Jimmy Neutron.

James: Yeah, it’s like if Jimmy Neutron if he did street magic, that’s you.

Andrew: No, it’s not. Dammit.

Michael: Actually, actually, look. Y’all want to go get a burger? I feel like I could teach you some things.

[everyone agrees]

Andrew: Where are you guys going? I want to come too.

King Brothers Toyota

Randy… Andrew Dismukes

Shorty… James Austin Johnson

Brian… Michael B. Jordan

Randy: Hey there folks, I’m Randy King of King Brothers Toyota.

Shorty: And I’m shorting King Jr. And we are overstocked with Tacomas, Siennas, Corollas and even Highlanders, all at rock bottom prices as part of our King Brothers Toyota overstocked sale-a-thon!

Randy: So come on down to King Brothers Toyota off highway exit 260 Because deals like this don’t come often.

Shorty: Get your butt down the King Brothers Toyota right here in beautiful Brenham, Texas, off highway eight exit 260. Take the left lane.

Randy: You gotta get hard in that left lane. Because if you stay even one second in the right lane, you’ll get stuck in the massive overflow line for the new raising Cane’s.

Shorty: This restaurant is prohibitively popular y’all. The line backs up to the light onto the off ramp and into the highway. Do not stay in the right lane.

Randy: Hard. Hard left, y’all! Hard to the left when you take 260 or you’ll miss

Both: King Brothers Toyota overstock sale-a-thon.

Shorty: Why are we overstocked? I’m telling you why? Because nobody can get here due to the stupid long Cane’s line taking up all that road.

Randy: We have been absolutely screwed by the Brenham Chamber of Commerce, and their villain his patron Councilman Hugo Gallegos.

Shorty: Since taking office in May, Hugo Gallegos has defiled exit 260 with the Chipotle, In-n-out burgers, and now Raising Cane’s chicken finger baskets.

Randy: These trendy chains all come with their own massive drive thru lines managed only by a handful of any factual iPad teens.

Shorty: We are deep in the red folks, which is why corporate has sent us the nation’s best, most jacked Toyota salesman Brian Pat Moore.

Brian: These two are afraid to get their hands dirty, but not Brian Pat Moore. So Raising Cane’s, you have 24 hours to shut down your Burnham location. If you do not comply each hour, I will reveal to the public one ingredient to the secret recipe of your legendary Cane sauce. Don’t believe me? Check this out. Ketchup.

[Brian leaves]

Randy: We are drowning in Tacomas and we are trapped here. We literally cannot leave due to the longest hell Cane’s line.

Shorty: I personally have missed so many family events. Things like nieces christening, first daughter’s recital, and even little JC as Nathan Detroit in Guys and Dolls at the middle school.

Randy: I now speak directly to the coward Hugo Gallegos. You have defiled the ones beautiful exit 260, and if the big as Cane’s line is allowed to stand, King Brother’s Toyota will fall.

Shorty: My daughter Haley is a classics professor at Princeton community college, and she has described our plight as a funhouse mirror held up against the American dream. I said “I don’t know about all that baby girl. All I know is I’m getting effed in the A my Councilman Hugo Gallegos.”

Rando: But all is not lost, because we have sales warrior in Christ, Brian Pat Moore.

Brian: Well, well well. It seems the Fat Cat at Cane’s think this is some kind of game. Well, Brian Pat Moore don’t play no games. Next ingredient, pepper. And the clock begins anew. Tick-tock, Cane’s. Tick-tock.

Shorty: So come on down because time is running out.

Both: For King Brothers Toyota overstock sale-a-thon.

Male voice: King Brothers Toyota, off highway 9, exit 260, hard into that left lane. Get in that left lane hard. Hard to the left.

Jake from State Farm

Jake… Michael B. Jordan

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a clip of a daughter stuffing her toys inside toilet and her parents are frustrated]

Female voice: As a homeowner, you never know what’s going to go wrong.

Daughter: I wanted to give them a bath.

[Jake walks in]

Jake: Luckily, State Farm has you covered no matter what the issue. And what the State Farm, you can file a claim and second So you can get back to your life.

Heidi: Wow, that was easy. Thanks Jake from State Farm.

Jake: Like a good neighbors, State Farm is their.

Mikey: Guess I won’t be late for work after all.

Jake: One more thing. Is this dryer safe? [showing a stuffed animal]

Mikey: Bye, huh.

Heidi: Have a great day. [to Jake] Hey, do you want a cup of coffee?

[Mikey looks back suspiciously]

Jake: I’d love one.

Female voice: No matter what your insurance needs, State Farm has a policy for you.

[Mikey enters his home]

Mikey: Hello? [Jake is playing with his kids] Oh, Jake from State Farm, you’re still here.

Jake: Unlike other insurance companies, State Farm’s here for you 24/7.

Mikey: Right. So what’s the plan for dinner?

Heidi: Oh, Jake and the kids and I went out for pizza. But there should be stuff in the fridge to make a sandwich.

[Jakes leaving and Mikey’s watching Jake play with his kids]

[Mikey wakes up the other morning. Heidi is not in bed.]

[Mikey is watching TV. He hears car coming to his home. So he stands up and opens the door. Jake walks in with his wife and his kids.]

Jake: Wow, look who’s up, Sleepyhead. Think fast. [throws keys to Mikey]

Mikey: Hey, where the hell were you?

Heidi: Jake thought it’d be nice to take the kids to church.

Mikey: To church?

Heidi: Yes. To church. And I happen to agree. Now excuse me.

[Mikey is watching Jake teaching his daughter to play piano]

Jake: See? You’re getting better. You’re a natural. Give me some.

[Mikey is watching Jake playing ball with his son]

Jake: Oh, some heat.

[Mikey is watching Jake laughing with his wife]

[Mikey is looking at Geico Insurance on the internet at night. Jake appears behind him.]

Jake: Looking for better rates?

Mikey: Jesus.

Jake: You know you won’t find them. State Farm’s rate match, even if you do find cheaper coverage, we’ll just match it. [kisses Mikey’s head and leaves]

Mikey: [to Heidi] This is my house and I want him gone. He is not a good neighbor.

Heidi: Get your finger out on my face.

[Jake walks in, pushes Mikey to the wall and whispers on his ear.]

Jake: [whispering]Save even more when you bundle home and auto.

[Mikey is sleeping on the couch. Jake is walking to the bedroom with Heidi.]

Jake: Sleep tight.

[Mikey is getting anxiety]

Mikey: [screaming] I just wanted a policy!

[Mikey is drunk and walking on a bridge]

Mikey: [singing] Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there
and here and in my bed with my wife
he took everything, everything

[police siren]

Police: Step away from the edge. You don’t have to do this buddy. [It’s actually Limu and Doug] LIMU and I can help.

Falling Down

Michael B. Jordan

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with Michael B. Jordan walking in SNL office.]

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I’m feeling good.

Bowen: Hey, Michael. Looking good.

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I’m hosting Saturday Night Live.

Sarah: Michael. I think you’re so cool.

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] It’s scary. But I’m Michael B. Jordan. There’s no reason to be nervous.

[Michael B. Jordan slips and falls down]

Ouff, no one saw me.

[Andrew is standing behind him]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

Michael B. Jordan: Yeah. I’m good.

Andrew: All right. Be careful.

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] Oh, okay. Little embarrassing, but at least it’s just Andrew Dismukes. It’s not like Kenan saw him before. It’s all good. I will not fall again. [slips and falls again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

Michael B. Jordan: Andrew, I didn’t see you there.

Andrew: It looked like it hurt.

Michael B. Jordan: It didn’t really.

Andrew: It looked like it did though. Are you okay? You want me to get the Nurse? Nurse? Michael B. Jordan just fell down again.

Michael B. Jordan: I said I was fine.

[Michael B. Jordan is looking at the mirror angrily]

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] This Andrew Dismukes guy’s getting in my head. A Michael B. Jordan. I need to never fall over ever again. [slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: Timber! You okay though?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay?

[slips and fall again]

Andrew: You okay there, bud?

Michael B. Jordan: Andrew, stop seeing me fall down.

Andrew: Hey, man, I’m at work. You don’t want me to see you fall down, quit falling down where I work?

Michael B. Jordan: Whatever, just leave me alone.

Andrew: All right, bud. Just be careful. Okay.

[Andrew is walking to his office whistling. He turns on the light, there’s Bowen and Sarah sitting on the couch.]

Andrew: Hey, guys.

Bowen: Andrew, sit down.

Sarah: You have to stop seeing Michael B. Jordan fall down.

Andrew: I can’t help it. Sometimes he falls and I see.

Sarah: Andrew, when somebody falls down, you have to pretend like you didn’t see it.

Andrew: Well, I didn’t know that. Nobody told me that. You can’t get mad at me for something I didn’t know.

Michael B. Jordan: Guys. What’s going on?

Andrew: Nothing. And hey, next time you have a problem with me, at least have the cojones to say it to my face, instead of sending your lackeys to do your dirty work for you.

Michael B. Jordan: I didn’t tell him anything. All I said was that you keep seeing me fall.

Andrew: Well guess what? Sometimes you fall, and sometimes I there.

Michael B. Jordan: Well then, maybe you shouldn’t be around me at all then. Maybe you should leave and never come back.

Andrew: Whatever, man. I’m done. Done.

[Andrew leaves and Sarah stars crying]

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I couldn’t believe what I had done. I pushed away my best friend at the show, Andrew Dis-moe. After everything you’ve been through. Monday pitch in Lorne’s office. Tuesday, writing night. When Andrew got cut from a sketch because he did a bad job. Just throw it all away because he saw me fall down a lot? The show was about to start, but I couldn’t do it without him.

Female voice: Three minutes to air. Where is Michael? Anyone have eyes on Michael B. Jordan?

Michael B. Jordan: [thinking] I knew there was only one way to bring him back. [he runs outside the studio to get Andrew]

Michael B. Jordan: [falling down intentionally] I’m falling. Where are you, Andrew?

Andrew: I’m here. And we’re not falling. We’re flying.

[They’re flying around the building]

Classified Press Conference Cold Open

Merrick Garland… Mikey Day

Conrad Nance… Kenan Thompson

Announcer: Criminals beware. There’s a new sheriff in town, and he means business. First, he hunted down that January 6 insurrectionists and made them pay. Now he’s searching for classified documents, and he’s coming for who ever have them. Democrat, Republican, or whatever Trump is now. And you don’t want to be in his crosshairs. He’s Attorney General, Merrick Garland.

[Cut to Merrick Garland]

Merrick Garland: Hello. I am Merrick Garland. I may look like I was born in a library, but there’s something you should know. [he shakes his head making whipping sound] Merrick Garland don’t play. [again he shakes his head making whipping sound] As you may have heard, classified documents have been found in the homes of President Biden and former Vice President Pence whose lawyers are cooperating. And also at the home of former President Trump, whose lawyer put a horse head in my bed. Some have said the federal government classifies too many documents, about 50 million a year. This has led people to ask, “Does recovering these documents even matter?” To which I say “I don’t know. But it’s the law.” [he shakes his head making whipping sound] And I am the law.

To enforce the law, I sent teams to search the homes of several recent Presidents and Vice Presidents. Starting with Mike Pence, Special Agent Conrad Nance will brief you on what we discovered.

Conrad Nance: Right, thank you very much. Upon arriving at Mr. Pence’s Indiana home I knew right away, this man needed a friend. When he opened the door he said “You came!”, with a big smile and he offered to make us pancakes. Our search turned up no additional classified documents. However, in an envelope marked “TAXSTUFF”, we discovered photographs of the country pop singer Shania Twain, cut out from several magazines. When confronted with this, Mr. Pence said “I’m sorry, I’m disgusting.” Then we informed Mr. Pence that we were done and we had to leave. He said, “How can you leave when you’re it?” And then tagged me on the shoulder and ran away. Hoping that I would chase after him and play tag. Which I did not. I will say though that if you know Mr. Pence, if you’re friends with them, check on your people. That’s all.

Merrick Garland: All right. Thank you, agent Nance. Next Special Agent Casey Combs will discuss if there were any classified documents at Vide President Kamala Harris’s home.

Casey Combs: Come on now. Joe Biden won’t even give this woman a pin. You think she has classified documents? Please Kamala Harris with classified documents?

Merrick Garland: Well, we had to at least check. Thank you, agent combs. Finally, we searched former President Barack Obama’s home. Special Agent Derek K. will discuss what we found.

Derek K.: Thank you. Yeah, I don’t mean to brag, but I was in Barack Obama’s house. But no big deal, but it was really fun. Mr. Obama opened the door and said, “Are you selling girl scout cookies?” Which is totally cracking up. Like, completely dead. We then entered the home and were shown a number of things including 175 letters from Lin Manuel Miranda begging the president to attend a performance of Hamilton. Obama like read one as Lin Manuel, he was like, “Dear Mr. President, the resume-”  I’m not doing it as funny as he did. It was so fun. Anyway, we asked him about classified documents and he said he was “Out of the government game” and “Doing the Hollywood thing now.” But then Beyonce called him on his cell phone, and he ignored it. So yeah, just liike really cool fun time.

Merrick Garland: All right, there you have in America. If you have classified documents in your home, I have one question for you. Do you think this is a game? Who do you think you’re playing with?  [he shakes his head making whipping sound]  F around and find out!

Conrad Nance: Hey, boss, when we’re done playing with the little papers, we’re gonna head down to Memphis and make sure justice is served down there too right?

Merrick Garland: I sincerely hope so.

Conrad Nance: Yeah, you damn right. Just making sure.

Both: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

HIV Commercial

Aubrey Plaza

Tommy… Mikey Day

Mario… Marcello Hernandez

Michael Longfellow

Jamal… Devon Walker

[Starts with people shooting at a studio]

Aubrey: All right. Let’s try to get this next shot in before lunch. I threw my breakfast at my assistant, so I’m starving. Tommy, I want you dancing on top. Camera then cuts to Mario. You’re poor and everybody shots. And then Jamal, you give your line while toasting Mario. sound good?

Jamal: Yep.

Tommy: Yeah.

Aubrey: Okay, places.

Michael: Divato commercial, club scene, take one.

Aubrey: Action.

Tommy: Living with HIV, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines.

Mario: Most HIV pills have so many medicines, but Divato has less and it’s just as effective.

Jamal: That’s why I switched to Divato HIV treatment. I didn’t gay though.

Aubrey: Cut. Okay, that was a good first run, guys. Tommy, maybe a little better dancing up top.

Tommy: Yeah, got it. I can do a little more.

Aubrey: Not really more. Just better. Perfect Mario. And Jamal, buddy, I feel like you may be added a little there at the end.

Jamal: No, I don’t think I did that. No.

Aubrey: No, definitely.

Jamal: Okay.

Aubrey: The line is “That’s why I switched to do Divato HIV treatment,” then full stop.

Jamal: Yep. Got it. All right.

Aubrey: Good?

Jamal: Yes. Okay, let’s go again, from the top. And action.

Tommy: living with HIV, I learned I could stay undetectable with fewer medicines.

Mario: Most HIV pills have so many medicines, but Divato has less, and it’s just as effective.

Jamal: That’s why I switched to the bottle HIV treatment. Fact you can get HIV from a girl. That’s how I did it.

Aubrey: Cut. Again. Again, wow.

Tommy: Did I mess up the dancing?

Aubrey: Yeah. It was worse this time. Once again, Mario, perfection. And Jamal.

Jamal: Yeah.

Aubrey: Buddy, you know what I’m gonna say.

Jamal: Oh, I messed up the dancing.

Aubrey: No. You add libs again. Are you comfortable with the script?

Jamal: No, I’m not at all.

Aubrey: What’s the problem?

Jamal: I just feel like it’s not clear that my character’s a stright, respectfully.

Aubrey: Okay, well, he’s not. This scene takes place at a gay club.

Jamal: Oh, word. Okay.

Aubrey: Yeah. Is that going to be a problem for you?

Jamal: No, not at all. I just ain’t know that.

Aubrey: Great, because I’d really love to get this scene wrapped before my salad gets cold. It’s a hot salad. Okay? All right. And let’s go again. And action.

Tommy: Living with HIV, I learned I could say undetectable with fewer medici—

Jamal: Yo dude, I think it’s a gay club.

Tommy: What?

Jamal: I mean, you know, you know, I’m cool with that. I just didn’t know that.

Tommy: Okay.

Jamal: Facts. There’d be mad straight girls at the gay club and they’d be ready and that’s where I come in.

Tommy: Can somebody please yell cut?

Aubrey: Cut, cut, cut. [Aubrey is eating her salad] Sorry. Sorry, I took a bite of my hot salad. It burned the roof of my mouth.

Jamal: How did I do?

Aubrey: It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. Besides Tommy’s dancing.

Tommy: I’m trying.

Jamal: I just feel like since I’m straight, my guy should be straight too. You know what I’m saying?

Mario: Dude, it’s just acting bro. I’m not actually gay either.

Jamal: Okay, cap.

Aubrey: Jamal, if you’re uncomfortable, we can just give your lines to Mario.

Jamal: Okay, do I still get paid the same?

Aubrey: No, you don’t get paid. You just go home.

Jamal: But I really need this job.

Aubrey: Okay, then say the lines.

Jamal: Okay, what is my guy got HIV from basketball like Magic Johnson?

Aubrey: No. Look, I appreciate you coming down but clearly you’re not mature enough to handle this role.

Jamal: Yeah. That’s a fact.

Aubrey: So why don’t you and Tommy just leave. Please.

Tommy: Wait. what? Me?

Neytiri

Jake Sully… Mikey day

Devon Walker

Friote… Kenan Thompson

Chabegue… Sarah Sherman

Vicki… Heidi Gardner

Christine… Aubrey Plaza

Neytiri… Ego Nwodim

Jake: As Chief of this clan, it’s my job to keep you all safe. I’m doing that. I must tell the truce of this war.

Devon: What’s going on, Jake Sully?

Jake: There are reports. The humans have infiltrated the Omatikaya clan. I fear there are sky people living among us disguised as avatars.

[everyone hissing]

Devon: That can’t be.

Chabegue: No. These are our brothers and sisters.

[Vicki and Christine are obviously humans with blue paint on them]

Vicki: What? We got humans up in here?

Christine: Not cool, man. Not cool.

Vicki: Yeah, I hate that.

Jake: I know it’s difficult to process, but we must stay vigilant. Reports tell us that we should be looking for two female lieutenants that are spies described as Butch ladies from Arizona.

[Vicki and Christine are vaping]

Christine: Good to know. Good to know.

Vicki: All right, y’all, we need to be on the lookout for some Grand Canyon types.

Friote: Jake sully, it’s obviously these two.

Jake: Wait. Vicki and Christie?

Christine: Whoa!

Vicki: Are you serious right now, Frito?

Christine: Come on, Frito.

Friote: Friote. My name is Friote.

Jake: Okay, everyone, be calm. These are big accusations, Friote.

Christine: Okay, okay. Thank you, Jaoke.

Vicki: Appreciate it, Jaoke.

Jake: It’s Jake.

Chabegue: Wait. Yeah, now that I think about it, they do always look down at their own bodies and say out loud, “Whoa, this is crazy.”

Christine: Whoa.

Vicki: Girl, yours is wild.

Christine: It’s great to have different there.

Devon: It’s all making sence. Is that why they call themselves the maricope counter of milf hunters?

Chabegue: And why they were in completely different clothing?

Christine: Whoa, whoa, whoa, what happened to women supporting women, bitch?

Vicki: Seriously, okay. We’re cool with letting her nips fight sometimes, but maybe we’re not as comfortable in thongs and I’m looking at you cheeseburger.

Chabegue: It’s Chabegue.

Christine: Alright, listen guys. We’re NaVi in a big way. Okay?

Vicki: Like, our skin’s blue and think we know how to use our tails.

Christine: I think we know.

[They put their tails inside their mouth. They get shocked.]

Vicki: How long was I out?

Christine: How long? How long were we out, Frito?

Friote: You are not out. Come on. Jake Sully.

Jake: Wait. Our queen is back. Our Queen Neytiri.

Vicki: Oh, screaming lady alert. Here we go.

Christine: Oh god, here we go.

Neytiri: They come out people.

Jake: Okay, Neytiri…

Neytiri: They come for our people.

Jake: Okay, alright, huh.

Neytiri: We must kill them.

Jake: Don’t start crying.

[Neytiri starts crying loud]

Neytiri: Wait. What are they doing?

[Vicki and Christine are playing basketball]

Jake: I don’t know what they are doing. I don’t know what’s happening. Vicki, Christine, you guys cannot be playing basketball right now. I need you to focus if we’re ever going to catch the moles. You’re alright?

Vicki: Yeah.

Friote: Jake. Jake Sully. Come on, man. Come on, you gotta trust me. It’s me. It’s me Frito. I mean, Friote. Jake Sally. Jake Sully Come on man, it’s them. I haven’t seen two people playing basketball since I was living back on earth as a human being.

Neytiri: [crying] Oh, stop. It was Frito this whole time?

Vicki: And us too.

Christine: Dang, Vicky, come on.

Vicky: Oh, shoot, dude, let’s get out of here.

[they put their tails inside their mouths again]

Weekend Update: April Ludgate and Leslie Knope on Working for the Government

Colin Jost

April Ludgate… Aubrey Plaza

Leslie Knope…Amy Poehler

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: According to a recent study, local governments are having trouble hiring new employees. Here to encourage young people to get involved in local government is a longtime employee of the city of Pawnee, Indiana, April Ludgate.

[April Ludgate slides in]

April Ludgate: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi, April.

April Ludgate: What?

Colin Jost: Nothing. You just said you came out here to talk about local government?

April Ludgate: I will when you stop yelling at me. Okay, fine. So yeah, everybody should get involved where they live. If you’re young, you should get a job as a garbage man or something.

Colin Jost: Okay. Are there other jobs?

April Ludgate: You want me to list them? Okay? Fine. Driver a bus, You don’t have to be on time. Nobody cares. Work for the water department. You can drain the reservoir and find all the bodies and murder clues. Or just be a dog catcher and just say you couldn’t find any. Because when you work for the local government, doing the bare minimum is doing your part.

Colin Jost: Okay, all right. Okay, but what if you actually want to work hard?

April Ludgate: I don’t know. You’re annoying me. Just ask my old boss, Leslie Knope.

[Leslie Knope slides in]

Leslie Knope: Whooo. Hi, April. Hi, Colin. Hi, Michael Che. Wow. Look at this. Who knew there were cameras in SNL?

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So So you work for the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah. Park Service. Yeah. So how much fun is it working here? Do you guys just sit around cracking each other up all day?

Colin Jost: Not like 8am, but yeah, generally. How does it take to run a federal agency?

Leslie Knope: Well, all you do is you show up every day and you do the job. But I want to pick your brain about this job. About this show. Because I used to watch this when Seth Meyers did it by himself with no one else. And he made it look really easy.

Colin Jost: Yeah, yeah. So you said you were here to talk about the government?

Leslie Knope: Yeah, but quick question, President Biden, when he zoomed in before could he see me or were the cameras off?

Colin Jost: I think he pre recorded that.

Leslie Knope: Ah, I thought the show was live.

Colin Jost: Most of it is.

April Ludgate: Oh my god. Can we just please go? This guy has been bothering me for half an hour.

Leslie Knope: Yeah. We can’t stay long. We have a timed entry tickets to the m&m store. But before we go, and may I be so bold, do you mind if I tried to tell a joke?

Colin Jost: I would love it.

[Colin Jost and Leslie Knope swap chairs]

Leslie Knope: Ah. This feels good. This feels nice. Okay, let’s see what you got. Okay. All right. Oh, no, that’s to mean. Oh, what? No, that’s way too mean. What? No. Okay, I’ll do this one. [There’s a picture of an article that says “Bus service for puppies”.] Town in Alaska has launched a bus service for puppies. The service has expanded to puppies. Thanks to the heroic activism of canine civil rights icon, Rosa Barks. Whooo. That felt good.
April Ludgate: For Weekend Update, I’m April Ludgate.

Leslie Knope: I’m Leslie Knope.