Presidential Address Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Anderson Cooper Mike Pence60 intro] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his set] [cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I am Anderson Cooper and this is CNN, your number one source for impeachment porn. This has been a week of shocking revelations out of the White House not least of which is the ongoing debate over gun control and the wake of the tragic school shooting in Florida. At times like this, we look to our leaders for guidance. But instead we’ll hear from Donald Trump, who has called the second bipartisan symposium where he will read a prepared statement.

[Cut to Donald Trump and his cabinet at bipartisan meeting] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Tonight, I am here to bring you a message of healing and a show of unity along with Mike Pence and senator Dianne Feinstein.

Dianne Feinstein: Yeah.

Donald Trump: Last week, I met with a group of teenage survivors of gun violence and I wanna reassure them once again that [Donald Trump pulls out a paper and reads it] I her you and I care. Rent “Lego Ninjago” movie– sorry. Eric scribbled some notes in there too. But it’s clear something has to change. We have to take a hard look at mental health which I have so much of. I have one of the healthiest mentals. My mentals is so high that we have to respect the law. Believe me, no one loves the second amendment and do a process more than me. But maybe, we just take everyone’s guns away. Okay? Nobody is allowed to have a gun. Not even whites.

Dianne Feinstein: [excited] Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Donald Trump: Did we like that? Dianne loves that. She hasn’t been this excited since women were allowed to get jobs. But, oh! Look at Mike. He hates it. Don’t worry, Mike. I met with the NRA. They gave me $30 million good reasons not to change a thing. So, it’s all good. [coughs] [to Mike Pence] We still friends, right? We still friends, Mike? [Mike Pence is feeling uncomfortable. Donald Trump puts his hand on Mike Pence’s.] Look at him. He’s so uncomfortable. He hates this.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Donald Trump: He’s worried this is a gateway touch. But the youth of America deserve to feel safe and secure in their schools because folks, I can only run into so many schools and save everybody. If I could, I’d run into all of them. Even without a weapon, I burst through the doors and I’d be running so fast. I’m actually a fast runner. People don’t know that about me. I’d be running so fast, the guy with the gun wouldn’t even know what hit him. Bing, bing, ding, dong, dang. He’s finished. Okay? So, the schools are safe now. But I wouldn’t stop there coz I’m on a role. I just keep running and running. I’d run to North Korea, again, competing unarmed. I’d fight their rocket man. Ping, pong, pang, ping, ping, poom. I’d pick him up and throw him right over the Great Wall of Korea.

If I have to make America’s school safe all by myself, I will. Just like how I’m running the White House all by myself. Because these people who work for me keep resigning. Hope Hicks, she’s like a daughter to me. So smart, so hot. She resigned. You know, I hate seeing her go but I love watching her walk away. Boom, boom, boom, boom. I mean Jared Kushner is basically the hottest chick left in the place. And he’s probably going to jail soon, so he’s out. But that should be it, okay? I mean, everyone else is staying, right? Big Master, you’re staying, am I right? [the chair is empty already] He’ll always stand by my side. Great guy. Anyway, if we’re going to stop this gun violence, we need to work together. Whites, blacks, even some of the good immigrants. Do we call them grants. I’m gonna call them grants. Okay. Because we need to heal this great country of ours and it really is one of the best, top five. We could do better. I mean, they’re all beating us. Gina (China), Japan, Wakanda. Okay? Wakanda is laughing at us. Right? They’ve got flying cars, people in Wkanda. That’s why I announced the steel and aluminum tariff this week. People are going nuts about it. I brought back the steel industry by destroying the auto industry and tanking the stock market. Impressive.

[Mike Pence and Dianne Feinstein are annoyed]

Look at them. Both sides hated it. I don’t care. I said I was going to run this country like a business. That business is a Waffle house at 2 AM. [cheers and applause] Crazies everywhere. Staff walking out in the middle of their shift. Managers taking money out of the cash register to pay off the Russian mob. But maybe we o just take all the guns away.

Dianne Feinstein: [excited] Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Donald Trump: She loves it. She’s looking at me like a cartoon pork chop. Okay. She’s great. All the people here are great except Jeff Sessions. He needs to go. I call him Mr. Magoo. Everyone loves it. People around here in the White House say, “Stop! I’m laughing so hard. I can’t take it anymore. I resign.”

[Jeff Sessions stands from Donald Trump’s behind]

Jeff Sessions: That’s very funny, Mr. President. But, I’m not going anywhere. [laughing] I’m like skunk stink on a bird dog, sir. I linger. And I just had dinner with all your friends at the Department of Justice and wow! Your name popped up more than a weasel in a pumpkin patch. That’s right, Mr. President. You can’t bully me anymore. For the first time, I’m standing up on my own high legs. [holding Donald Trump on his shoulders] Okay, how about we say it together for old time’s sake? Huh?

Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

FOX & Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Brian Kilmeade… Beck Bennett

Hope Hicks… Cecily Strong

Louis Farrakhan… Chris Redd

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching FOX & friends.

[Cut to Steve, Ainsley and Brian in their set] [cheers and applause]

Steve: Good morning. I’m Steve Big Poppa Doocy. That’s Ainsley  and Brian.

Brian: Howdy?

Ainsley: Hello. [Cut to Ainsley] We want to say a big hello to all our fans out there, whether you’re fixing your breakfast or getting dressed for work or laying in the Lincoln bedroom

tweeting with an egg mug muffin on your chest, hello.

[Cut to all]

Brian: Yes, you.

Steve: Yes, indeed. [Cut to Steve] Now, coming up, we’ll show you more from our trip to Washington DC where we sit on different balconies and point at Trump hotels. But first, that FinCEN memo is out and it is a bombshell. Um, here to comment is White House communications director, Hope Hicks.

[Cut to Hope in her office]

Hope: Hi everyone. We love the show over here at the White House. It’s playing at full volume during every meeting.

[Cut to split screen with Hope and Brian]

Brian: Now, Hope, this is so exciting. Two years ago, you were a 26 year old former model working for Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. But now, you’re White House communications director.

[Cut to Hope]

Hope: Sure. If you say so. There are no real jobs here. You know? Everyday feels like when a group of strangers suddenly work together to push a beached whale back into the sea

[Cut to split screen with Hope and Steve]

Steve: Well, Hope, this memo proves that the FBI is totally out of control. I hope they don’t drag you into this mess. You seem like an honorable young woman.

Hope: I know. [Cut to Hope] People are treating me like I’m the gossip girl of the White House. But even if a certain White House IT boy did get a little chatty with some Russian hunks, you wouldn’t hear about it from me. Xoxo. [winks] [Cut to FOX News set]

Steve: Thanks, Hope. Well, the resignation of Andrew McCabe is another chapter of an FBI interim oil.

Brian: It’s a mess over there. [Cut to Brian] Deep state stuff. It’s disgusting. [laughing] Luckily for us, one man has been warning people for years about this and he’s not a partisan politician. He’s a minister. His name is Louis Farrakhan and he joins us now.

[Louis is sitting beside them. He is wearing a suit and a bow tie.]

Louis: Thank you Steve, Brian, Ainsley. I’m surprised to be on your show.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I don’t know much about you but you’re a guy who was telling the truth about the FBI before any of us. What is going on over there?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Ha-ha. Yes, the FBI are next Vipers and Devils, whispering, plotting, spying but believe me when I say this. Their day of retribution is coming for as a man sow with, the same shall he also reap. That’s god.

[Cut to all]

Brian: That’s a great take. That’s a great take.

Ainsley: Mr. Farrakhan, this bow tie is so great, giving Tucker Carlson some competition.

[all laughing]

Louis: Ha-ha-ha. I do not know who that is.

Ainsley: Now, if the FBI can go after the president, aren’t you worried that they might come after you?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Oh, no. I do not fear that for god is justice and he is on the rise.

Steve: Uh-huh.

Ainsley: That’s right.

Brian: I am digging this. I am digging this.

Louis: And if retribution pleases god then all of y’all are going to die.

[Cut to all]

Brian: Absolutely.

Louis: Every white person in this room. [pointing at them] You. And you. And even bubble head you.

Brian: Yeah.

Ainsley: Okay.

Brian: Love this guy. Fist bump.

Louis: No, white man. Hell, no.

Steve: I got you. [Steve and Brian do the fist bump]

Ainsley: Thank you. Thank you.

[Louis stands and walks away]

You know what? Hold on. I’m told we’re getting a special call. He’s on the line.

[Cut to Donald Trump in his bedroom. He is talking on phone.]

Donald Trump: It’s me. Good morning Ainsley, Steve and Brian. [cheers and applause] [Cut to FOX News set]

Ainsley: Oh, my god. President Trump? How are you?

Brian: Hey, big guy.

Steve: Sir, it is such an honor. thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule.

[Cut to Donald Trump. He is breathing heavy.]

Donald Trump: Yes. I’m so busy. And if you’re wondering why I’m so out of breath, it’s because I’m doing my P-90 morning exercises right now. [Donald Trump pulls a burger and takes a bite.] But I’m saving the economy, destroying ISIS and right now I’m getting my daily intelligence briefing.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Oh! Um, from who?

[Cut to Louis]

Donald Trump: From you guys. Thanks so much. The show is so great. Huge ratings. Of course not as big as the ratings from my State of the Union speech which was watched by 10 billion people, including all of Gina (China). Now, they say there’s only 7 billion people on earth, so where did the other 3 billion come from? Illegals? I don’t know.

[Cut to Ainsley]

Ainsley: Okay, Mr. President, can I say your speech was maybe the best speech in the history in this country?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Ainsley. I’m gonna tweet that right now. Boom, tweeted. Mega! You know, a lot of folks are saying including Paul Ryan that it was better than Martin Luther King’s “I dream of Genie” speech. Isn’t it amazing what’s happening? Senator Orrin Hatch said I’m the single greatest president ever. And this is Orrin Hatch people! The hottest guy in congress saying I’m better than Lincoln or Washington or anyone else in the country’s history.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Or, even the world. I’ve heard better than Ceasar.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I make buildings. That guy just made salads. No contest. But guys, this memo might be the greatest memo since the declaration of independence. I don’t know. I haven’t read either one of them. And Devin Nunes, I love that guy. My sweet little house elf. So close. So close to earning his freedom. His memo proves that the FBI is biased and they have a history of this, folks. Okay? The history. [Donald Trump drinks soda out of can using straw] Biased against Richard Nixon. They were biased against John Gotti. Biased against Dillinger. Dillinger! I can’t figure that out. And they’re biased against me. Now, can I ask you all a question? Okay?

[Cut to FOX News set]

Brian: Sure.

Steve: Go ahead.

Ainsley: Anything.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Whose State of the Union that 10 billion people watched it?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: Your’s.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Who is the most innocent guy in the whole wide world?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

Ainsley: You are, sir.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: One more time?

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I can’t hear you.

[Cut to FOX News set]

All: You are.

Ainsley: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ah! Daddy needed that. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

White House Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Michael Flynn… Mikey Day

Billy Bush… Alex Moffatt

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in White House]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. President, are you sure that you don’t want to stay at the Christmas party longer? Coz everyone is celebrating this huge tax bill. Mitch McConnell is serving everyone bourbon. I got so drunk I told the truth.

Donald Trump: Sorry, Kellyanne. I’m in poudy baby mode. This Flynn investigation has really got me down.

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, come on, sir. The tax bill is your biggest achievement yet. In that, it is your only achievement.

Donald Trump: Sorry, I’m not in the Christmas spirit. The only thing that cheers me up with these hilarious Muslim videos that I’ve been retweeting. Lex Cruise says Barf Hamburg. So, please, you go ahead and enjoy the party.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Anything I can get you before I go?

Donald Trump: Um, yes. One little thing. I want you to withdraw $5 million from my bank account and put it in a duffle bag with my passport, a fake mustache and a bucket of chicken.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, sir. Goodnight.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Kellyanne. This is the time I’d like to reflect on all the good things I have done this year. It’ll only take a minute. [as Donald Trump is thinking, it gets all smoky] Wait, what’s that?

[Michael Flynn comes out of the smoke. He is chained.]

Michael Flynn: Donald J. Trump. Donald J. Trump!

Donald Trump: Oh god! You’ve come to get me. I knew it. It’s the Muslim stuff, right?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: It’s for calling Mexican rapists?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The Roy Moore stuff?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: Draft dodging?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The birthing stuff?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: Pocahontas?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The Central Park fight? No, wait! Making fun of the handicapped Portland like this. [Donald Trump makes faces]

Michael Flynn: No, sir! Sir! I’m not here for any of that.

Donald Trump: So, who are you? Jacob Marley? You’ve got a lot of chains on.

Michael Flynn: No. I’m Michael Flynn. The ghost of witness Flict. Mr. President, I came to warn you. It’s time for you to come clean. For the good of the country.

Donald Trump: What the good of the?

Michael Flynn: The good of the country.

Donald Trump: The gobada-come-come?

Michael Flynn: This is serious, sir! The FBI got to me. Before all this, I had a great life, Donald. I was an honorable twice fired military man who loved to talk about how Hillary Clinton had a child sex ring in a pizza shop.

Donald Trump: Oh, Mikey, my man. You led the locker up, cheered the convention. Who knew you had so much dirt on you when you passed? If only somebody had warned me about you.

Michael Flynn: Well, president Obama did tell you not to hire me.

Donald Trump: I meant someone who is American.

Michael Flynn: Mr. President. There was a lot of people from your past that could come back to haunt you. Tonight, we’ll be visited by three of them. There’s the first one. No!

[Michael Flynn leaves. Billy Bush walks out of the smoke]

Donald Trump: Billy Bush?

Billy Bush: Um-hmm. Yep! I’m here to remind you of bad Hollywood tape, my man! Can you believe I got fired just for listening to you? Whoof! And then you got elected president. And now, you’re saying the bad tape isn’t even real? What?

Donald Trump: You’ll be fine, Billy. I’m sure you’ll find work again.

Billy Bush: Well, I hope so. Frankly, I’m looking pretty good in the NBC news division right about now. Remember Donald, these things catch up with all of us. If you worked at NBC right now, you’d be fired. Fired! Fired!

[Billy Bush slowly walks away]

Donald Trump: Wait! Come back! Where did you go?

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald? Where did who go?

Donald Trump: Melania, I’m sorry. I was just working.

Melania Trump: Okay, but come down to the party. You have to see my decorations. It’s a beautiful festive hallway of dead branches and mysterious shadows. And then when you open the elevator, blood comes out.

Donald Trump: Oh. Sounds wonderful but I’m so tired.

Melania Trump: Okay, but Donald, we need someone to put up the manger scene. Mike Pence was going to do it but his wife doesn’t want him playing with dolls because she’s afraid it will give him urges.

Donald Trump: Umm, I’m sorry, Melania. I can’t, but you go. I’ll be down in a minute. [Melania Trump walks out. The smokes appears again.] Oh, no. It’s happening again.

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the smoke. He is topless.]

Vladimir Putin: Hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Oh my! Vladimir? You must be my present.

Vladimir Putin: Of course. Donald, you can’t hide from me. I see and hear everything you do.

Donald Trump: Because you’re a ghost?

Vladimir Putin: Yes. I’m ghost. Listen, we put a lot of work into you. So much time and money. And you’re about to mess it all up. You seem so volatile.

Donald Trump: I’m sorry, Vladimir, but I promise I’ll be more diplomatic with North Korea and that fat little psycho who runs it.

Vladimir Putin: Whoa! Trump, you have to chill out, broski!

Donald Trump: Vladimir, look, I’ve always wanted to ask you this. Do you think I’m cool?

Vladimir Putin: Look, I have to go. Ha-ha.

Donald Trump: So, that’s a yes?

Vladimir Putin: I just have to go. Someone else is coming. They’re coming.

[Vladimir Putin walks out. Michael Flynn walks in again.]

Michael Flynn: Don’t you see, Mr. President? Any one of these spirits could bring you down. But the scariest one is yet to come. Oh, no! It approaches.

Donald Trump: Mike, I’m too scared to look.

[Someone walks out of smoke wearing a cloak covering the face.]

Oh, thank god, Steve Bannon. You’re here to save the day with your terrible white magic? Wait, who are you?

[When the person shows face, it’s Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha. Merry Christmas! Ha-ha. [cheers and applause] It is I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Ha-ha. You, Donald have given me the greatest Christmas gift of all. Sexual gratification in the form of your slow demise. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to say this. Lock him up!

[Michael Flynn and Hillary Clinton walk out]

Donald Trump: No! No!

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald! Donald! Are you alright?

Donald Trump: Oh god, Melania, I’m so scared. These spirits, they showed me things. I know what I need to do now. I need to erase seasons 1 through 14 of The Apprentice, fire Robert Mueller, and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

The Price Is Right Celebrity Edition

Drew… Beck Bennett

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Ramal… Kenan Thompson

Tilda Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Marcia… Leslie Jones

Chris Hemsworth… Alex Moffat

Amanda… Miley Cyrus

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Derek… Pete Davidson

Ariana Grande… Melissa Villaseñor

Tony Bennett… Alec Baldwin

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

[Starts with ‘the Price is Right’ intro] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Welcome back to the ‘Price is Right’. The favorite show of people who are in between jobs. Hang in there. I’m your host, Drew Carey. It’s celebrity week. Hollywood’s biggest stars are playing alongside contestants from our studio audience. Starting with Lil Wayne and Ramal.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Lil’ Wayne: Bitches love lil’ Weezy. And Lil’ Weezy loves moolah, baby!

Ramal: Yeah. And Ramal Johnson also loves moolah, baby.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Tilda Swinton and Marsha.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: I’ve been watching ‘the Price is Right’ since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypto.

Marcia: Um, yeah. I’m going to need another famous person.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Ah! No tradesies. Next up from the new ‘Thor’ movie, Chris Hemsworth and Amanda.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good day. I’m Chris and I walked here. I like to walk, yeah? Get the blood pumping. yeah. Back home, I walk from Mumumaloo over to Katoomba up to the Hawke’s Bay river and that was all before I had me morning Salmon. First question, yes.

Amanda: You’re really cute.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah. Sorry, love. I’m married.

Amanda: Do you have a brother?

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: And Bernie Sanders and Derek.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek

Bernie Sanders: Thank you. It’s good to be here. [cheers and applause] But I just wanna say this show is a travesty. Consumerism disguised as entertainment. That being said, I do need a new dinette set.

Derek: Are you okay?

Bernie Sanders: Better than ever. We’re gonna win this thing the Bernie way. Which means if I lose, I’ll being everyone else down with me.

Derek: Whoo! Bernie’s back!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. The winner of this round will join Ariana Grande and the legendary Tony Bennett who are standing by at the wheel.

[Cut to Tony Bennett and Ariana Grande]

Ariana Grande: I’m excited to spin that wheel with you, Tony.

Tony Bennett: What?

Ariana Grande: We’re gonna spin the wheel.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, my grandfather worked in steel, too.

Ariana Grande: No. The wheel.

Tony Bennett: Wheel! That’s right. Just like the tiny little wheels of cheese you eat because you’re a mouse. Speaking of wheels, are your intestines spinning out of control? If so, reach fo some Imodium AD. [Tony Bennett shows a box of Imodium AD] AD stands for Anti-dump. Give it a chance before you fill your pants. Reach for Imodium AD. It will keep your colon sighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse. Back to you, Bob Barker.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: It’s Drew. It’s been Drew for 10 years. Okay. Alright, now, let’s start the bidding on a Samsung high efficiency washing machine. Our guest announcer Sofia Vergara will explain the features.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing with a brand new washing machine]

Sofia Vergara: Yes, thank you, Drew. This appliance, a big capacity and fast spin. Like a cat in a tornado. I love the image I create with my own words.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thank you, Sofia. And what movie are you here to promote?

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: Pepsi! [holding a Pepsi can] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. Lil’ Wayne an Ramal, your bid.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Ramal: Oh, man. I could really use a new washing machine.

Lil’ Wayne: We bid $92,000.

Ramal: Wait man. That’s a little high.

Lil’ Wayne: I’m a little high. Here, have some, it’s basically poison. [passing Ramal his cup of drink] [Ramal takes a sip]

Ramal: Damn! $92,000!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Put $92,000 on the board. Tilda Swinton and Marcia, your bid.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: Oh, I’m alright. I don’t need another tiny spaceship. Mine is working fine.

Marcia: What is this little dutch boy talking about? This is a washing machine.

Tilda Swinton: Oh, a washing machine. Of course. I bid David Bowie’s soul. Wink, wink. [whispering] I have it.

Marcia: Someone call 911. That is a pistachio loose from the nut house.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Let’s put David Bowie’s soul on the board. Next, we have Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. What’s your bid?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Um, I would like to phone a friend, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: As I have already told you multiple times back stage, that’s not a thing you can do on this show.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. Liam Hemsworth is with them.]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, too late. I already did it to my brother.

Liam: I ran here as soon as you called, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright, how much do you think the washer costs?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth, Amanda and Liam Hemsworth]

Chris Hemsworth: Well, in the outback mate, we don’t really use money. We rely on a complex bartering system.

Amanda: Oh, no. That ain’t good.

Liam Hemsworth: We bit 150 crocodile teeth. Boom! Ha-ha.

Chris Hemsworth: Love it.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Put that on the board if you can. And finally, Derek and Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders: I’ll tell you what I think, Drew.

Derek: Already a bad start.

Bernie Sanders: The real problem in this country is American consumerism. Who needs a washer? When I need to wash that one suit I own, I just wait until it rains. I stand outside for DrewMarcia minutes. And then I jog behind a bus until the exhaust dries me off.

Derek: Okay, cool. But I need this money.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, you need money. I’ll tell you how to get money. Here’s what you do. When you go to a gas station and you see the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’, you always take a penny. That’s how I bought my first house. Our bid is eight cents, Drew. And that’s a generous price.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: The actual price is $600.

[winner music playing. The camera zooms to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders and Derek, you’re the only team that didn’t over-bid or bid in non-currency. So you are our winner. [Cut to Drew] When we come back, you will have a chance to play plinko. Sofia, tell them how it works.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing in front of the game board.]

Sofia Vergara: It’s Plinko.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thanks Sofia. I love the way she moves.

[Tony Bennett walks in]

Tony Bennett: And speaking of moves, are your pipes clogged up worse than a Porta Potty at Lollapalooza?

Drew: Please don’t do this.

Tony Bennett: Then reach for Dulcolax. [showing a box of Dulcolax] You drop one of these plinko chips into your tum tum and 10 minutes later, your sphincter starts paying out like a slot machine. We are talking the loosest slots in Carson city.

Drew: Alright, we’ll be right back.

Tony Bennett: [singing] Dulcolax, we’ll blow up your hole.

Drew: With more of the Price is Right.

Paul Manafort’s House Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Paul Manafort… Alex Moffat

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Donald Trump visiting Paul Manafort] [door bell ringing. Paul Manafort opens the door. Donald Trump walks in with two security guards.]

Paul Manafort: Oh, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Hey, Paul. I just came by to check up on you.

[cheers and applause]

Paul Manafort: Um, of course. I’m embarrassed. I only wore a casual $10,000 suit, you know? I thought you were on your way to Asia.

Donald Trump: Everybody does. But in fact, I sent Melania along with a very convincing look alike.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, why are you so quiet? Okay, then for the first time in 10 years, let me tell you about my day.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort]

Donald Trump: Paul, believe me. My staff is much happier that that look alike is going. They were terrified that when I got to Gina (mocking China) I would do the slant eyes thing like the guy on the Houston Astros. Hilarious, by the way.

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah.

Donald Trump: Politically correct now. Everything is so politically correct. I’m surprised you can even say ‘Oriental rugs’ anymore. By the way, these are fantastic. [talking about the carpet]

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah. Thanks. I got a great deal, only a million bucks because I paid cash.

Donald Trump: God, you screwed. Just so, so screwed. It’s a shame. You are going to prison because I was about to give you a huge tax break. We’re calling my tax plan cut, cut, cut, because it was named while I was having a small stroke. Speaking of cuts, do you have a good shiv you can bring with you to prison with you Paul? Because after the stuff I said about certain ethnic groups, they re going to go to town on you in prison.

Paul Manafort: Well, listen. Whatever happens, sir, I won’t betray you.

Donald Trump: I trust you, Paul. But just in case we re going to have to take this conversation somewhere else.

Paul Manafort: But I’m under house arrest. I’m wearing an ankle bracelet.

Donald Trump: We’re not leaving the house. Besides, everyone thinks I just left Hawaii.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: This whole trip, you were so dignified, you know? When we were in Hawaii and they offered you a ley, you didn’t make the usual tasteless joke. Also, you didn’t call Pearl Harbor fake news. And for once, you didn’t finish my dinner. Who knew that just by keeping your mouth shut, you could seem so presidential. Donald, have you been working out? Oh, Donald, I hope I remember how to do this.

[Melania leans towards Donald Trump] [Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in the shower topless.]

Donald Trump: I brought you to the shower to make sure you weren’t wearing a wire, Paul. That’s why we’re going to do this Gone Girl’s style.

Paul Manafort: Mr. President, I would never do that with you.

Donald Trump: That’s what she said. Like a whole bunch of she’s have said that. Speaking of which, what an idiot that Harvey Weinstein is. He could have gotten away with all of it if ony he had gotten himself elected president. Body wash?

[Donald Trump passes the body wash to Paul Manafort]

I have a proposition for you, Paul. All I need from you is to go to prison for a very, very long time. In return, I still get to be president which I hate but I’m too proud do quit. Does that sound fair?

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President–

[Mike Pence walks in the shower]

Mike Pence: Here, let me get your back. [Mike Pence takes the scrubber and scrubs Paul Manafort’s back]

Paul Manafort: Mike Pence? Why are you wearing a suit in the shower?

Mike Pence: Well, because I’m not married to the water.

Donald Trump: I wanted Mike to get his hands dirty too, okay? Because if I’m going down, I’m taking church lady with me. Mike, say cheese. [Donald Trump takes a picture of Paul Manafort and Mike Pence] There we go. If you say anything about this, Mike, I’ll text that photo straight to Jesus.

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President, can’t you just pardon me?

Donald Trump: Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. But we have a plan. A great plan. Isn’t that right, Jeff?

[Jeff Sessions joins them in the shower]

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. Do you want a loofah?

Donald Trump: I’m all your’s, Jeff. I’m all your’s.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Hi. I’m wearing a bathing costume that I got from my favorite place, the 1890s. Plus, I thought we should all get used to wearing stripes.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. You won’t go to prison, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I know. Coz I’m a sneaky lying little villain. If mean old Mr. Mueller comes after me, I’m just going to roll over and play dead like half possum that I am.

Donald Trump: As Jeff has pointed out, I can’t pardon you now. It would look too suspicious.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. So we concocted a genius solution, Mr. Manafort. I dropped my loofah. Oh, don’t worry. My trustee little tail is going to get it. [Jeff Sessions has a tail that is holding the loofah behind him] Now, as I was saying, we have an ingenious solution.

Donald Trump: Here’s the plan, Paul. I can’t pardon you now. But we’re gonna wait a few weeks and then dress you up like a turkey. And then, we’ll pardon you.

Jeff Sessions: It is a foolproof plan.

Donald Trump: Well, there is a small chance that I’ll screw that up too and my family will end up eating you for thanksgiving. So hang in there, Paul. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Donald Trump Trucker Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of people waiting for a speech]

Male voice: And now, please welcome the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you, people of her-ass-burg, Pennsylvania. It’s great to be here with all you truck drivers tonight. Love the truckers. We have so much in common, and not just because all the blood in our bodies pools in our legs and our butts. It’s been a big week, folks. We are getting rid of everything Obama did, health care, the Iran deal. And we are ripping out all these vegetables in Michelle Obama’s garden and planting McNuggets. McNuggets. Love the McNuggets. Coz, we love America, don’t we? That’s why, I had Mike Pence go to the colts game on Sunday. And when those players knelt during the anthem, I told him to get the hell out of there. Don’t worry. We are taking Mike partnership’s season tickets and donating them to two lucky fans in Puerto Rico. They just have to fly themselves to Indiana and book their own hotel. Because at some point, they have to start doing things for themselves, okay? I have actually got Mike standing by right now at the Indiana Pacer’s game. Mike, are you there?

[Cut to Mike Pence in the audience of Indiana Pacer’s game]

Mike Pence: Yes. Hello, Mr. President. Mother and I are here. We just watched the pacers cheer leaders perform a dance routine and I was very into it on a technical level.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]

Donald Trump: And what about the anthem?

Mike Pence: Oh, it’s starting now.

[National anthem playing]

Donald Trump: What are the players doing? Are they acting like little SOBs?

Mike Pence: No. They seem to be respectful. Wait, one of them is kneeling.

Donald Trump: Get out of there, Mike. Bail. Ditch it. Haul ass, Mike.

[Mike Pence and his mother rushes out] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Mike bailed. Big time. But that’s not why I’m here today. Today is about unveiling a magnificent tax plan. We’re gonna give you people back a lot of cash. That’s all I’m focused on. But also, what about Bob Corker? Little liddle Bob Corker. Corker is so small, you know, some politicians wanna be on the quarter some day. Bob Corker could actually be a quarter. He could take a nap on the quarter, okay? I mean, he is extremely small. Bob Corker is basically– and I know I’m not supposed to use this word anymore, but he’s a midget. Okay? Little itty bitty Bob Corker. I mean this guy is so small and I hate doing small jokes. But I have to because I’m the president. This guy is so small–

Audience: How small is he?

Donald Trump: Bob Corker is so small that dermatologist found him on a mole, okay? Very tiny Amigo. And speaking of Amigos, let’s check in again with Mike Pence. Mike, where are you?

[Cut to Mike Pence and his mother]

Mike Pence: we are inside the Starbucks, Mr. President.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]

Donald Trump: Mike, I need you to check the cups, okay? Do they say “Happy Holidays” or do they say “Merry Christmas?”

Mike Pence: Sir, it’s October. They wouldn’t have Christmas teamed cups yet.

Donald Trump: They would if they respect America, Mike. The cups would say “Merry Christmas” all year and they would show me and Santa Clause giving all the children coal because coal is the future of this country. Check the cups, Mike, okay?

Mike Pence: The cups say “Pumpkin spice is back”, sir.

Donald Trump: Get out of there right now, Mike. Bail! [Mike Pence and his mother rush out] Get in the private jet. Vamoos! Folks, we’re gonna start saying Merry Christmas again. And you cannot disrespect our lord and savior Santa Clause is like that. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. As I said, I need to talk about the tax plan and tone tax plan. Because the numbers are amazing. Just amazing. And also, how dumb is that Rex Tillerson, folks? I mean, really. What a dumb dumb dumbarooney. And he has the nerve to call me the moron. Talk about the pot calling the kettle Mexican. I am so much smarter than this guy, Rex. I have a huge IQ. I took a huge IQ test. Let me just assure you, it came back positive. Very positive. Okay? My IQ is through the roof and frankly, through many of the clouds as well, okay? And by the way, I’m the only guy who even knows what IQ means. Most people don’t even know what it stands for. Inquedible.  lot of people don’t know that. And speaking of Inquedible people, let’s just check back with Mike. Mike, where are you, buddy?

[Cut to Mike Pence and his mother]

Mike Pence: WE are inside the wedding, Mr. President. Everything seems very respectful.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]

Donald Trump: What do you see, Mike? Walk us through it?

Mike Pence: Okay. I see the groom. He is waiting patiently at the altar. And then I see– Oh, oh! There is another groom.

Donald Trump: get out of there, Mike! Bail! Pitch it! [Mike Pence and his mother run out] I know you hate this word, Mike. Abort, Mike! Abort! Vaminoos! Outrageous! No one should disrespect the sanctity of marriage like that as it says in my favorite verse of the bible, double korenthians, marriage is between a man and a woman. Then another woman. Then another woman. And maybe one more if you’ve got it in you, okay? Well, in conclusion, I think we solved the tax stuff just like we solved Puerto Rico. And finally, this is very important. Eminem apparently didn’t free-style rap on the BET network the other ay. And he rapped some very nasty things about me, and very soon I’m going to release a response rap on the White Entertainment Network, HGTV. So, watch it back, Eminem. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

The Chaos President Cold Open

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Cruz… Melissa Villaseñor

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Sarah walking to the oval office]

Sarah: Welcome back from bed, Mr. president.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Sarah. I had to come back. Sometimes when you’re president, you have to make sacrifices. So I skipped the back nine.

Sarah: Um, I understand, Mr. President. Sir, mayor Cruz of San Juan is on the line.

Donald Trump: I was expecting this phone call. Sure she wants to tell me what a great job I am doing.

[picks up the phone]

Yes, mayor, you wanted to talk to me?

[Cut to split screen with Cruz and Donald Trump]

Cruz: Yes, Mr. President, I’m so glad to have you on the phone. I’m begging you. Puerto Rico needs your help.

Donald Trump: I hear you loud and clear. And you called the best person for the job. [Cut to Donald Trump] Trust me. I know things are at the locals say ‘Despacito’. We’re gonna get more help to you. We’ll get to you immediately probably by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Mr. President, that’s not good enough.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you should have paid your bills. Thema takes a few days unless you join Thema prime.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ma’am, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re in an island in the water. The ocean water. Big ocean. With fishies and bubbles and turtles that bite. We wanna help you but we have to take care of America first.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Wait, you do know we’re a US territory, don’t you?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I do, but not many people know that.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Cruz]

Cruz: Sir, e just need help please.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Donald Trump: Wow! That woman was so nasty.

Sarah: Mr. President, I got to be honest. This is only gonna get way worse.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like you, Sarah. You’re a straight shooter. That’s why you outlasted Sean Spicer, Scaramucci, Banon, Priebus, Gorkha flame and Tom Price.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Thank you, sir. I think it’s because folks listen to me because I’m no nonsense but I’m all nonsense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you handled that NFL thing just great.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Oh, well, I’m a little embarrassed that I said it’s a black and white issue. I should have said it’s a black vs. white issue.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s disgraceful. You know, I actually love football. I could’ve played. People say I remind them of an NFL player because I’m combative. I like to win. And I might have degenerative brain disease.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Well, I will stand by you, sir. No matter what you say.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, trust me. It may seem like what’s coming out of my mouth is B-A-N-A-N-A-S, but it’s all part of the plan. The more chaos I cause, the less people can focus. We’re all getting so tired. So tired. Let me show you. How long did I declare war on North Korea and the rocket man?

[Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump]

Sarah: Um, four months?

Donald Trump: Wrong! it was last Friday. See? I’m bending time. So, let’s keep the chaos coming and shake things up around here. Speaking of shaking things up, get Jeff Sessions in here.

Sarah: Okay. Alright.

[As soon as Sarah walks out, Jeff Sessions stand up from right behind Donald Trump]

Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Jeff, how did you get in here so fast?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I live in the grandfather clock just in the hallway. I made friends with some mice. They tell me secrets.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I’m thinking about making a few changes in my administration.

Jeff Sessions: Aw! Digiddi dong!

Donald Trump: But you’ve been with me from the beginning. And you know, I value loyalty.

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. I’m very, very loyal.

Donald Trump: But, you went against me on the darker thing. And you wouldn’t fire James Comey when I needed you to.

Jeff Sessions: I know I was a bad boy. Very bad. Very bad. I should not have recuse myself from Coleman calamity. I don’t know. I got spooked.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I need someone with real balls. Not what you have which is two little George Pickens. Okay? Um, we have to do something right now.

Jeff Sessions: I understand. Time for the belt.

Donald Trump: I’m not doing that, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Please, sir. Don’t tweet on me. Please. I cannot get tweeted all over again.

Donald Trump: Tweet is so powerful, aren’t they? You fear the tweets.

Jeff Sessions: No, no. Donny. Donny, please.

Donald Trump: God, it’s so hard when you’re so damn cute. Come on over here to daddy.

[Donald Trump pulls Jeff Sessions and makes him sit on his laps]

Jeff, we’ll get through this.

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. i will not let you down. I might look adorable but I am frightening.

Donald Trump: You know, I’m nothing if not loyal. You were the first to get the republican party on my side. And I’ll always back them up because of you. You’re my guy, Jeff.

[Sarah walks in]

Sarah: Sorry to interrupt sir, but Chuck Schumer is here. He says you’re working on some kind of secret deal together.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions. Donald Trump stands and puts Jeff Sessions down]

Donald Trump: Ah, yes. Send him in.

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: There he is. How are you doing, sir? Ready for dinner? No great place for slices. You’ll feel like you’re back in Queens.

Donald Trump: Great! Let’s go.

Jeff Sessions: So, are you really leaving with him?

Donald Trump: I told you, I’m nothing if not loyal. Come on over here, Chuck. We’re both New Yorkers. We enjoy good slice. We never go to Time Square and we love saying–

Donald Trump, Jeff Sessions and Chuck Schumer: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Dwayne Johnson Five-Timers Monologue

Dwayne Johnson

Alec Baldwin

Tom Hanks

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Dwayne Johnson.

[Dwayne Johnson walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Dwayne Johnson: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you. Ou! I know Thank you. It has been so great to be here hosting the season finale of ‘Saturday Night Live’. [cheers and applause] And tonight is extra special for me because this is my 5th time hosting this amazing show.[cheers and applause] So, thank you guys so much. But, you know, I really don’t want to make big deal about it.

[Alec Baldwin walks in]

Alec Baldwin: And yet, we must.

Dwayne Johnson: Alec, my friend! Um, weren’t you just in the Cold Open?

Alec Baldwin: Oh, it’s never enough doing that. What a season it’s been for me. But tonight is not about me. It’s about you. I’m here to officially welcome you into the five timers’ club. [snaps his fingers] Shall we?

[cheers and applause] [Alex Moffat brings in the 5 timers’ robe and puts it on Dwayne Johnson. It’s the same robe as Alec is wearing.]

Dwayne Johnson: Wow! Thank you. See? Thank you so much. It is an honor to get this from you. And I gotta tell you, Alec. You have been amazing playing the president this year.

Alec Baldwin: I can’t take all the credit. I have to thank the– um– [snapping his fingers] what do you call those pale people who take the subway?

Dwayne Johnson: Um, writers.

Alec Baldwin: Yes, them. I love them.

Dwayne Johnson: Well, you know, Alec, it’s funny. You know? A lot of people have been telling me lately that, well, I should fun for president of the United States. Yes, yes. And I gotta tell you, it’s very flattering. But tonight, I want to put that to rest and just say once and for all, I’m in!

[cheers and applause]

Yes! Starting tonight, I am running for president of the United States. Yes. And I gotta tell you. I have already chosen my running mate. [pointing at Alec Baldwin] He is also in the five timers’ club. And like me, he is very well liked, charming, universally adored by pretty much every human alive.

Alec Baldwin: Dwayne, I would be honored to–

Dwayne Johnson: Mr. Tom Hanks, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tom Hanks walks in wearing the same five timers’ robe. Alec Baldwin is embarrassed.] [cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Stop! Stop! Dwayne! Dwayne! I could not possibly turn this down. I will do it. I am in. Let’s go!

Dwayne Johnson: We’re in.

Alec Baldwin: Yes! Yes. I will be in the cabinet.

Dwayne Johnson: No!

Alec Baldwin: Because all three of us are equally beloved. Not a single black mark on any of our public personas.

Tom Hanks: Yeah, sure. Hey, Alec, I think I saw Lorne talking to your wife.

Alec Baldwin: I’m gonna break that son of a bitch’s neck! [Alec Baldwin runs towards the studio]

Tom Hanks: Happens every time.

Dwayne Johnson: Yes. It happens every time. Yes. Yes. Now, in the past, I never would have considered running for president. I didn’t think I was qualified. But now, I’m actually worried that I’m too qualified.

Tom Hanks: Well, the truth is, America needs us. No one can seem to agree on anything anymore except for two things…

Dwayne Johnson: Pizza and us.

Tom Hanks: And us. I mean, I have been in two movies where a plane crashes and people are still excited to see me on their flight.

Dwayne Johnson: That’s true. That’s true. It’s very true. That’s true. True story. You know, and I one time ran a red light and the traffic cam footage alone made a billion dollars. Tom, I think we’re unstoppable.

Tom Hanks: Dwayne, together we would get 100% of the vote. I would get the senior vote, because I fought in World War II in like, 10 different movies.

Dwayne Johnson: Yes. Yes. And I of course would get the minority vote because everyone just assumes that I’m, well, whatever they are.

Tom Hanks: You’re Portuguese.

Dwayne Johnson: I am. Ha-ha-ha.

Tom Hanks: Plus, between us, we could handle any crisis. If god forbid, we could go to war, I can assure the nation…

[music playing]

…we will sacrifice and we will suffer, but in the end we will win because we are the Americans and that is what Americans do.

Dwayne Johnson: That is amazing. That is amazing. That’s amazing. And if god forbid, California splits off and falls into the ocean, well, that’s my area.

[music playing]

Dammit! If I don’t get down to the fault line and detonate the warhead the entire state is going to sink! Fuel up the submarine and tell the secret service to pack my trunks. The president’s going for a swim.

[cheers and applause]

Tom Hanks: Man, there was a lot going on there.

Dwayne Johnson: There is. It’s how I roll, Hanksy. Yeah. But listen, America, before you get too excited, this isn’t real. Tom and I are joking.

Tom Hanks: Yeah. I just wanted to be on TV with Dwayne.

Dwayne Johnson: [laughing] Yes. Well, you know, it’s just that when it comes to politics, we need more poise and less noise. Americans deserve strong, capable leaders. Leaders who care about this country and care about its people.

Tom Hanks: Wow. Um, Dwayne, that kind of sounds like you and me. I guess we got to do it! Come on! Let’s go!

[A backdrop with ‘Johnson Hanks 2020’ written on it is dropped]

Dwayne Johnson and Tom Hanks: We’re doing it! There you are! There you are! There you are!

Dwayne Johnson: We have got a great show. Katy Perry is here. Stick around. Hanks and Johnson will be right back.

Donald Trump Hallelujah

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. …Mikey Day

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johannson

[Starts with Donald Trump playing piano in stage]

Donald Trump: [singing] I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?

[Kellyanne Conway joins Donald Trump]

Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway: It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift

[Mike Pence walks in and joins]

All: The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. join]

All: Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya

[Sarah Huckabee and Steve Bannon as grim reaper join]

All: And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump join]

All: I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’m not giving up because I didn’t do anything wrong. [Donald Trump looks around] But I can’t speak for these people.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Sean Spicer Returns (Melissa McCarthy)

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glenn… Bobby Moynihan

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: We now join the White House press briefing where Sarah Huckabee Sanders is filling in for Sean Spicer.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders walking to the podium]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good morning, guys. It’s an honor to be here today. And for those of you who don’t know me, my father is Mike Huckabee and my mother is a big souther hamburger. Okay? And yes, obviously, I”m hilarious like my daddy. Now, I am filling in for Sean today. As you know, Sean is fulfilling his duty as an officer in the Naval reserve and that is why he cannot be here today.

Cecily: I’m pretty sure I can see him hiding in those bushes.

[Sean Spicer is looking inside through the window from behind the bushes]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: I believe that’s a naval exercise. He’s trying to blend in with his surroundings, okay? Are there any more questions?

Sasheer: Yeah. I have a question. Can you just do this full time instead of him?

Mikey: Yeah. I’d also like to ask that question because you are clearly articulate and charming. Where as Sean is bullish–

[Sean Spicer walks in and uses fire extinguisher on Mikey]

Sean Spicer: You know why I had to put your pants out? Coz you’re bone chugged liar in there. That pant’s lying. [walks to the podium and pushing Sarah Huckabee Sanders away] Now, move. Move. When you lie all the time, your pants get on fire. Liar, liar, pants on fire. So, I put him out. That’s right. Spicy’s back. Sarah’s out. Booya! Let’s do this. First question, Michelin man. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Glenn.

Glenn: Yes. People are saying that based on president Trump’s tweets that he is unhinged. Would you agree?

Sean Spicer: Oh, my god, Glenn. Do I come to your job and slap those seven or eight hot dogs out of your mouth? Huh? You’re really gonna ask me that? This is offensive. If he is crazy, he is crazy like a fox with mental problems. Okay? Next question.

Glenn: Yes, I have a follow-up. Isn’t it true that president Trump only fired James Comey to stop the FBI’s investigation with him?

Sean Spicer: Shut up, Glenn.

Glenn: I think the American people deserve to know.

Sean Spicer: [mocking] Oh, do they, Glenn? [gibberish] You stink!

Glenn: Come on! I don’t stink.

Sean Spicer: You stink bad!

Glenn: I don’t stink. [Glenn sits down]

Sean Spicer: Alright, let me just put this whole Russian thing to bed once and for all. Trump is innocent. How do we know? Because he told us so. Period! Then he hired lawyers to agree with him. And they’re going to prove it with a certified letter, which you know is the truth because it costs and extra $2 to certify. Now, I got a tracking number right here. You wanna check it out. It goes 8554611856– son of a– Alright, wait, that’s my bank routing number. No one use that. No one use it. You can’t take money out of it. If you wanna put money in, go ahead. Alright, next question.

Sasheer: Sean, you must know this Russia thing looks really bad.

Sean Spicer: Oh my god! There is no Russian thing. The only Russian thing here is my little dollies. Bring them out.

[Sean Spicer walks to the table beside the podium. There’s a box.]

For you people. Okay, here’s the deal. See if you can follow. Okay, first of all, here’s Trump. [pulls out a pot with Donald Trump printed on it.] Okay? He’s the biggest one and he’s the most beautiful. When he was not happy with the performance of the FBI director, this guy, Comey. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a dog’s picture] Because Comey was not being nice to our friend, boom, Hillary Clinton. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with Maleficent’s picture] Okay? This dude,[he shows a pot with another picture, but then hides it.] wait! Son of a– Okay, that’s not– Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him. If you did this Glenn, I swear to god I’ll rip you to shreds. So, what actually happened is Trump conferred with his good, good friend, there you go, Steve Bannon. [Sean Spicer shows a pot with a cartoon green slug picture] And the decision to fire Comey was even confirmed by Trump’s tiniest little buddy, come on out you little buddy, Jeff Sessions. [Sean Spicer shows a small pot with Pikachu’s picture] There we go. Jeff Sessions. So, next question.

[Sean Spicer walks to the podium]

Vanessa: Yeah. Were you surprised that he fired Comey before he fired you?

Sean Spicer: Oh, god!

[Sean Spicer walks to a pole, carried the whole pole and throws it over the press members]

Does that answer your question? I honestly hope to god it killed her.

Cecily: Sean. Sean, just be straight with us for once. What’s really going on?

Sean Spicer: I am being straight with you. I’m telling you exactly what president Trump told me.

Glenn: Um, but what if he’s lying to you?

Sean Spicer: He– But he wouldn’t do that. He’s my friend.

Sasheer: If he’s your friend, why does he make you come out here and humiliate yourself everyday?

Sean Spicer: He doesn’t make me. I like it. I– I get off on it.

Mikey: If he’s your friend, why is everyone saying he is about to fire you and replace you with Sarah.

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders walks in eating an apple]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, bless your heart. This is the first time I’m hearing of that.

[Sean Spicer pushes Sarah Huckabee Sanders away]

Sean Spicer: Get out. Get out. I gotta find Trump. I’m going to New York. [Sean Spicer’s podium is moving like it’s a car] The press interview is over!

[song playing] [Cut to Sean Spicer traveling on streets on the same podium]

Sean Spicer: [road rage] Common! I need to find Trump! [sobbing] I promise I’ll talk better. I can’t go back to the Navy. I can’t swim.

[Sean Spicer sees a gum on the street. He picks it up and puts it in his mouth.] [Sean Spicer reaches Trump Tower] [to the Trump Tower guard] I wanna talk to President Trump. Now!

Guard: He doesn’t come here anymore.

Sean Spicer: Well, then where is he?

[Cut to a golf course in New Jersey] [Sean Spicer finds Donald Trump

Sean Spicer: Mr. Trump. I need to talk to you. have you ever told me to say things that aren’t true?

Donald Trump: Only since you started working here.

Sean Spicer: I don’t think I can do this anymore, Mr. President. They are saying you are going to replace me with Sarah.

Donald Trump: Sean, come on. I would never do that. She doesn’t have you special spice, salt and pepper [tickling Sean Spicer’s hair] and a little bit of sugar. [tickling Sean Spicer’s belly]

Sean Spicer: No! Mr. President, stop.

Donald Trump: You like it when I do that, Sean?

Sean Spicer: No, it just tickles a little.

Donald Trump: Yeah. [Donald Trump tickles a little more]

Sean Spicer: No! I’m married.

Donald Trump: Sean, kiss me.

Sean Spicer: I can’t. I have a wife. I took vows.

Donald Trump: No, I’m famous. It’s okay.

Sean Spicer: No, wait. Is this like the Godfather when you kiss me and no one ever sees me again?

Donald Trump: Yes.

[Sean Spicer and Donald Trump start kissing]