Tag: Beck Bennett

December to Remember Car Commercial

Nathan… Beck Bennett

Cathy… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Timothée Chalamet

Mike… Mikey Day

[Starts with a father, mother and their son sitting near their Christmas decoration.]

Nathan: Yes, it’ll fit perfectly. Hey, Matt, I think there might be one more gift for your mom right there.

[Matt brings the gift box for Cathy.]

Female voice: It hasn’t been a normal year. So this Christmas, get her something extra ordinary during the Lexux December to Remember sale event.

[There’s a Lexus car key inside the box.]

Cathy: Nathan, you didn’t.

Nathan: With flexible financing and 0% APR, there has never been a better time to buy or lease a new Lexus.

[Nathan runs outside. There’s a very nice car there.]

Matt: Wow!

Nathan: Merry Christmas, baby.

Cathy: [angry] Are you fucking kidding me Nathan? Did you seriously buy a car without asking me?

Nathan: Well, because for Christmas.

Cathy: This is a major purchase.

Nathan: Right. But it was a December to remember.

Cathy: It’s a Lexus. We don’t have the money for this, Nathan.

Matt: We don’t?

Cathy: No, we don’t. Your father doesn’t– Your father hasn’t worked since last March.

Matt: What?

Nathan: Yeah. Covid has hit a lot of people hard and I’m no exception.

Cathy: Nathan, you got fired in March 2019. Covid had nothing to do with it.

Nathan: Hey pal. I guess your old man’s busted.

[Cut to Lexus car commercial]

Female voice: It’s beginning to look a lot like savings. So, get to your local Lexus dealer today.

Cathy: How much did you spend on this ridiculous car, Nathan?

Nathan: It was only 3999 to it’s signing. Four grand. It’s not that much, babe.

Cathy: And how much is the monthly payment?

Nathan: The what?

Cathy: Did you think this entire car cost $4000?

Nathan: Uh-huh.

Cathy: There’s a monthly payment.

Nathan: Yes. With 0% apur. I think it’s all good.

Cathy: Apur? Do you mean APR?

Nathan: I’m pretty sure it’s apur.

Matt: Wow. Just, wow.

Nathan: Hey, come on. It’s Christmas. This is good. I did a good thing for us. [takes a can of beer out of his pocket] Let’s enjoy it. [drinks the beer]

Matt: Dad, it’s nine in the morning.

Nathan: So? It’s not like I have work later. Ha-ha. Come on!

[a neighbor walks to them.]

Mike: Hey.

Nathan: Hey, neighbor.

Mike: You bought a Lexus? You come to me three weeks ago, “Oh, Mike, help me. I need money. I can’t buy Christmas gifts for my family. My wife doesn’t respect me.”

Nathan: I didn’t say that.

Mike: My wife’s cheating on me with everyone.

Matt: Mom, you are? [Cathy just looks away]

Mike: I want to look cool in front of my son’s girlfriend.

Matt: Ew, dad! Is that why you pierced your ear?

Nathan: No, I’ve had this forever. [his piercing is fresh and bleeding]

Mike: I just need five grand to get back on my feet. And then you buy a Lexus?

Nathan: Yes. Well, it was beginning to look a lot like savings at my Lexus dealer.

Mike: I want my money back, man. Tomorrow! [looks at Cathy] Hey, Cathy. [Cathy waves at him with flirty looks]

Nathan: What is that look?

Cathy: You know what? We’re taking this car back to the dealership now.

Matt: I better drive.

Nathan: Maybe we stop by Jenna’s on the way over. She this cool car your dad got. Hah?

Cathy: Shut up.

Female voice: Give the gift of Lexus. And definitely, talk it over first.

Coronavirus Holiday

Rony… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Lauren Holt

Andrew Dismukes

Oral… Bowen Yang

Genital… Chloe Fineman

Spike… Timothée Chalamet

Spanish Influenza… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now, a Rona family Christmas.

[Cut to Rona Family. They’re humand with corona like crown spikes on their heads.]

Rony: I can’t believe 2020 is almost over. I’m gonna miss it.

Cecily: I know. We’ve been traveling non-stop all year. China, Italy, New York, Florida. How great is Florida?

Rony: Oh, so great. I just wish we had a break for more holiday parties. I mean, how many can the White House throw?

[doorbell ringing]

Cecily: Oh! Oh-oh! I think I know who that is.

[Cecily opens the door. Daughter walks in.]

Hey, my baby girl’s home.

Daughter: Hi, mom.

Cecily: How was your first semester at college?

Daughter: Oh, it was incredible. It took out like, a whole dorm.

Cecily: Oh. We are so proud of you, honey.

Rony: Our little girl’s a super spreader.

Daughter: Oh. And I wanted you guys to meet this guy I’ve started mutating with.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hi.

Daughter: Not to put him on the spot, but we did meet on the contact tracing app.

Andrew: Yes. I swabbed her right.

Daughter: Yes, and he’s kind of famous.

Andrew: Oh well, I guess a little.

Daughter: Oh, come on. Tell them.

Andrew: Alright. It’s not big deal. I was the one who infected Hanks.

Cecily: Tom Hanks?

Rony: Wow! That was basically the Super Bowl of infections. What do you do next?

Andrew: I’m going to Disney World.

All: Laughing.

Rony: Hey! This one’s a keeper.

[doorbell ringing]

Cecily: Wait. Now, who is that?

[A couple walks in]

Couple: Hi.

Oral: It’s your neighbors. We just wanted to pop out of nowhere and say hello.

Cecily: Well, this is a surprise. Honey, have you met the herpes?

Daughter: I haven’t, actually. Even though, statistically, I probably should have.

Oral: I’m Oral and this is my wife Genital.

Genital: Please call me Jen.

[Spike walks in. Villain’s music is playing.]

Spike: Hey! What’s the matter? Aren’t you going to introduce them to your other child?

Rony: Wow, look who’s awake before it’s 6PM, just in time to start drinking.

Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Am I a little disinfected? At least I’m not a hoax like rest of this family.

Genital: Sorry, maybe now is not a good time.

Oral: Yes. It’s like, the herpes always show up when you’re stressed out.

Cecily: I’m sorry.

Genital: No, no. It’s fine. We’ll come back.

Oral: We always do.

[Oral and Genital leave]

Cecily: Well, that was incredibly rude.

Spike: Oh, I’m sorry. Are my proteins not perfect like my little sis? Back from her first semester of the University of Phoenix in person?

Rony: We gave you every opportunity. We paid to send you to New Zealand and now look, zero cases. People are going to concerts there. It’s a disgrace.

Cecily: Think of your poor grandmother, Spanish Influenza.

[Spanish Influenza is there knitting a sweater]

Spanish Influenza: Come on! Give me a kiss, I’ll kill you.

Cecily: Now, she infected the whole world and that was before airplanes.

Spanish Influenza: Ai. Uno Ve Sito. I kill everyone.

Rony: If you don’t start infecting again, your career’s over. You’re gonna end up like those washed up viruses on “Dancing With the SARS”.

Cecily: Maybe you’d feel better if you dined indoors more.

Spike: Hey! I’m just following Cuomo’s ‘Stay at home’ order.

Rony: You do not mention Cuomo in this household.

Spike: Why not? A lot of people say he’s the only real leader in this country right now.

Rony: You know damn well that President Trump is the only one looking out for us. We wouldn’t still be here without Trump.

Cecily: And Trump introduced us to everyone he knows. Even after he was infected. Now that’s the class act.

Daughter: Guys. Do we really need to talk politics right now?

Rony: Your brother is living in the clouds when he should be living on surfaces.

Spike: Oh yeah? Well I heard you’re not even deadlier than the regular flu.

Cecily: Spike! You take that back!

Rony: No, no. Let the big man talk. You think you’re big enough to hit your old man?

Daughter: Dad, stop.

Spike: Are you even my dad? Maybe mom just landed on a lung cell and replicated.

Rony: Sometimes I wish you weren’t my son.

Spike: Oh yeah? Well it must be Christmas because your wish just came true. I’m getting the vaccine.

[Everyone’s shocked]
Rony: You wouldn’t.

Spike: Watch me. Pretty soon, I’ll have the antibodies.

Rony: He’s joining the radical ANTIBO.

Cecily: Why are you doing this to us?

Spike: Because mom, you never had time for me. You never went to a single one of my NFL games. Dad’s been so focused on the second wave, he can’t even hear his first born son crying out for help.

Cecily: Rony, say something.

Rony: You’re a great virus, son. Your laughter has always been so infectious and you gave those tigers at the Bronx zoo covid, remember? I don’t know how the hell you pulled that off.

Spike: I snuck in their butts.

Rony: I know I don’t say this enough, but I’m proud of you.

Cecily: We all, we have so much to be grateful for this Christmas. To think at this time last year, we were just a glimmer in the eye of a sick bat. I know the odds are stacked against us, but maybe 2021 will be even better.

Daughter: And we were going to wait to tell you this, but we are engaged.

Andrew: Yeah. And we’re moving in to Rudy Giuliani.

All: Yay! [celebrating]

Stu

Santa… Jason Bateman

Elves… Chloe Fineman, Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

Stu… Pete Davidson

Dido… Kate McKinnon

Elton John… Bowen Yang

[Starts with elves reading letters from children to Santa]

Elf: But the thing i want more than anything in the whole world is a new bike. Love, chase.

Santa: Ho ho ho! What a good boy! Let’s give him that bike and a helmet!

Elf: Good thinking, Santa!

Elf: Oh, and here’s one from Emily. “Dear Santa, this year I want a Disney princess mirror!”

Shanta: That’s exactly what she’ll get, huh? Who’s next? Rupert?

Elf: Um…

Santa: Rupert, what is it?

Elf: It’s just, heh, mine’s a little weird.

Santa: I’m sure it’s not that weird. just read it!

Elf: Um, okay. But it starts normal enough. Dear Santa…

[Cut to underground where 1 is writing a letter. It’s a copy of music video of “Stan” bye Eminem ft. Dido.]

[“Stan” instrumental playing]

Stu: [rapping] Dear Santa, I can’t believe the year is almost over
It’s getting colder, I’m a year older, but I’m still your soldier
You’re my hero because you always bring me the assist
So once again we’re back to zero, here we go, my Christmas list
I won’t be greedy or needy or ask you for too much
Just want one thing, and I hope you still got that magic touch
’cause gettin’ this present is the only thing keeping me alive
Dear Santa Claus, please bring me a PS5
I tried to buy one at Walmart, ran around the mall like Paul Blart
Tried to buy one on sale, but the thing was, they’re all out
Yo, I even went to a game stop, but then I went “Oh, wait, stop!
Santa Claus can make one, he’s got his own workshop.”
I know you prob’ly hear this every day, but you got a cool hat
I love that movie you did with Will Ferrell, man, elf was phat
Anyways, I love the things you do
Don’t forget, bring me gift, truly i believe in you
This is Stu

[Cut to an elf dropping Stu’s letter on the floor while delivering them to Santa]

Dear Santa, I notice you never wrote me a letter back
That’s fine, dawg, but really, I think that’s kinda wack
If you can’t help your biggest fan, then you should just retire
Or next time you slide down my chimney, I’ll set your ass on fire
Just playin’, I still love you, don’t think that I’m obsessed
I even got a tattoo of your name across my chest
Just bring that PS5, bro, if it’s the only thing you do
Sincerely, Stu. p.s. we should live together. cue dido

[Cut to Dido sleeping on a mattress holding a PS5]

Dido: [singing] Stu is waiting for his surprise
To open up a PS5
He just really wants to play
Assassin’s creed on Christmas day
But he can’t buy it himself because he lost his job
He was stealing from his boss
I’d be worried ’cause he’s a scary guy
A scary guy

[Cut to Stu driving a car in a raining night. He’s recording his message while driving.]

Stu: Dear mister holly jolly two-faced son of a bitch
I hope you crash your sleigh and wind up face-down in a ditch
I guess even the great saint Nick can’t track down a PS5
Hey Santa, I drank a fifth of eggnog, dare me to drive
You ruined Christmas, I wish I never told you what was on my wishlist
Screw you, your elves, your stupid beard, and your bitch tits
So this’ll be my last letter, i know you’ll miss me when I’m gone
Sincerely yours, Stu. ladies and gentlemen, sir Elton John

[Cut to Elton John singing while playing piano]

Elton John: [singing]This year Christmas will be bad
’cause Santa sucks and Stu is sad
Already asked you really nicely
And now he’s really pissed off
I’m just telling you ’cause I like you a lot
I’m a big fan of Santa
And I also want a PS5
A PS5

[Cut to Santa and elves talking]

Elf: Santa, this is serious!

Elf: Don’t panic, don’t panic!

Elf: I’m freaking out! Aaaah!

Santa: All right, all right! I think it’s time I write a letter back to Stu.

[rapping] Dear Stu, I think you got the wrong address, bro.
I’m not Santa Claus. Bye Bye!”

Elf: Damn!

[Cut to a TV screen It shows Eminem reading a letter from Santa]

Eminem: What’s this? “To shady, from Santa.” That’s crazy, a PS5? I didn’t even ask for this. Shady must have been a good boy this year. Sorry, Stu. You f—– up

Outdoor Cabaret

Charlie… Bowen Yang

Devin… Jason Bateman

Billy Moon… Cecily Strong

Waiter… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a live music show in a restaurant]

Ladies: [singing] We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

[Charlie walks to the stage]

Charlie: Wow, wow. What a safe song choice. Thanks so much for joining us this evening at a outdoor cabaret folks. As always, you’ve Devin tickling the ivories. Say hi, Devin.

[Devin is on the piano. He is wearing a PPE and full face plastic protection.]

Devin: Um, they’re less ivory. They’re more plastic, Charlie. My actual piano got stolen last week. Do you remember? You just sat there and you watched?

Charlie: Devin! Well, everyone. It’s me, Charlie Viig. I was a main stay here at the duplex in the great performance. And hey, one of my favorite performance just got back from a trip abroad. Please give a downtown welcome to the legendary, Mr. Billy Moon.

[Billy walks to the stage]

Billy: Isn’t it marvelous? You’ve made the outside look like inside.

Charlie: That’s right. Tell the people where you’ve been the last nine months?

Billy: Well, since March, I’ve been on the only cruise ship with zero infections. So, we just never got off.

Charlie: Oh, my god! So, you were just floating out there?

Billy: Uh-huh.

Charlie: Well, thank god you made it out. Billy, shall we sing to celebrate your joyous return?

Billy: Let’s try.

[music playing]

Charlie: [singing] Oh, yet a trouble

Billy: Happy day

Charlie: Come on get happy

Billy: I hear again, skies

Charlie: Shout hallelujah

Billy: Shout and sing a song

Charlie: Let’s get happy

Billy: Out here again

Charlie: Get ready for

Billy: Happy days are here again

Billy: Charlie! I have to say. I love that there’s a doctor here tonight.

Devin: No, I’m not a doctor. I’m just respecting science. It’s me, Billy.

Billy: Devin? Why are you wearing all that gauze?

Devin: Oh, I’m protecting myself because Charlie is trying to achieve herd immunity in the cabaret world.

Charlie: Well, if the sweets can do it.

Devin: They did not.

Charlie: Oh, and a reminder, folks. If you want drinks, you have to order food too.

[Cut to a waiter. He is also wearing a PPE and full face plastic protection. He has one hotdog in his one hand.]

Waiter: I’ve only got one hotdog left. So everybody, just take a bite and pass it. Okay?

Charlie: Billy, you know what the best way to thank health care workers who are begging us to stay inside is?

Billy: To go outside and sing for a crowd. This one’s for you, doctor! [pointing at Devin]

Devin: Still me, Devin. Okay? And this plastic keyboard is officially melting. Anyway we can back this heat lamp off like, Charlie0 feet?

Billy: What do you say, Charlie?

Charlie: [singing] The sun is shining

Billy: out together

Charlie: now get happy

Billy: shout it now

Charlie: the lord is waiting to take your hand

shout hallelujah

Billy: tell the world

Charlie: and just get happy

Billy: about it now

happy days are here again

Billy: Oh, the good old days. Do you remember when I had my picture up?

Charlie: Yes. It was right up at the front by the cash register that said “bounced check”.

Billy: Ha-ha. Well, you can’t blame a girl for trying.

Charlie: But you know what? We’ll survive. I mean, New York’s gotten through tougher times.

Devin: Yes, I remember the Spiderman musical.

Charlie: Oh! Devin! Well, just look at us. I’d say we’re doing pretty well for ourselves. Right?

Devin: Not really, Charlie. Our outdoor set up got decimated by a cab and a bus last week.

Billy: Oh my! Well, did you at least get insurance money?

Devin: No, no. We owe them. We set it up in a turn lne.

Charlie: Yeah. That’s an oopsie on us!

[singing] We’re heading across the river
so your cares will all be gone

Billy: There’ll be no more from now on

Charlie and Billy: From now on

Charlie: now get happy

Billy: shout it now

Charlie: the lord is waiting to take your hand

shout hallelujah

Billy: tell the world

Charlie: and just get happy

Billy: about it now

happy days are here again

Billy: I just want to say. I think as long as we have each other, we’ll get through this.

Devin: The pandemic or the performance?

Charlie: Oh, Devin!

Devin: Kidding. I love you both. But Hobby does need me home.

Charlie: What could he possibly need?

[singing] Happy time


Billy: Happy night

Charlie and Billy: Happy days are here agan

Morgan Wallen Party

Beck Bennett

Andrew Dismukes

Morgan Wallen

Girl… Chloe Bennett

Old Morgan… Jason Bateman

Older Morgan… Bowen Yang

[Starts with guys in a]

Beck: Wow, dude, did you hear? Morgan Wallen’s at the college party, dude.

Andrew: What? But isn’t he supposed to be the musical guest on SNL this week?

Beck: Hell, yeah. I’m sure he’s taking all the necessary covid precautions. So…

[Morgan walks in the door]

Morgan: Alabama! [raising his bottle of beer] To no consequences!

[a girls comes near Morgan cheering]

Girl: Whooo! Oh my god, Morgan. I am such a fan. Do you think we can kiss and I can film it?

Morgan: Only if you promise to post it on social media.

Girl: Okay. Just on TikTok. I promise.

[Morgan starts kissing the girl.]

[Suddenly there’s smoke everywhere. A guy comes out of the smoke.]

Old Morgan: Morgan! Morgan! I cam as soon as I could.

Morgan: Did you just come out of that cloud of weed?

Old Morgan: No, no. That’s just a regular time travel smoke.

Morgan: Time travel?

Old Morgan: That’s right. You see, I am you from the future. I came back here to stop you from partying tonight.

Morgan: Why?

Old Morgan: Well, trust me, somebody’s going to post a video of you ignoring covid protocols. The whole internet’s going to freak out.

Morgan: I just specifically asked her not to post.

Old Morgan: No. I know. I thought it was an airtight approach as well. But once people hear about the party, you’re in big trouble man. You’re gonna get kicked off Saturday Night Live.

Morgan: Na, na. Lorne would never do that.

Old Morgan: No, of course Lorne wouldn’t because he’s ain’t no puss. He’s a got damn man. He’s got balls of size of Toyotas. But the execs in NBC, they’re gonna force his hand, bro.

Morgan: Damn. I don’t wanna screw up an opportunity like that. Or let my fans down. I guess I’ll leave this party then.

Old Morgan: Yeah. I know it’s hard. I actually forgot how fun this party was. I mean, you got cute girls over here. You got tons of booze. I bet there’s whole hell lot of drugs around here. Maybe we stay for like, I don’t know, another five or 10 more minutes?

Morgan: Stay? At this party?

Old Morgan: Yeah. Just for like, 10-20-Morgan0-maybe more minutes. Just to really understand why it’s so raw.

Morgan: I guess. By the way, whatever happens with covid, didn’t they find a vaccine?

Old Morgan: Well I do not know. I’m only from one month in the future.

Morgan: A month?

Old Morgan: That’s right. You partied so hard, his is what you look like after a month.

Morgan: My god!

Old Morgan: Well, you don’t need to react like that, man. Now, is there gonna be a line for kissing or we just kind of free balling?

[Suddenly there’s smoke everywhere. A guy comes out of the smoke.]

Older Morgan: Morgan, no! I came as soon as I could.

Morgan: Hold on. Who are you?

Older Morgan: I’m you from two months in the future.

Morgan: What the hell happened in those two months?

Older Morgan: A lot. Came to warn you to leave this party immediately. [pointing at Old Morgan] And you, I came to warn you about that experimental skin regiment you’re gonna try out.

Old Morgan: Alright.

Older Morgan: It might make you too hot.

Girl: Hey, Morgan! Aren’t you gonna introduce us to your cute friends?

Old Morgan: Yeah, god. Maybe we should stay. Let’s just have a couple of maybe 15 more drinks. Heck, I’m not driving. I’ll tip just for the time machine. How’s that? You know, this whole party’s basically one of our songs.

Older Morgan: And once you write the song about the party, it’s tax right off too.

[Another guy walks to Morgan]

Guy: Enough. I came as soon as I could.

Morgan: Which future me are you?

Guy: I’m not. I’m just a random dude at the party. This time, it was a cloud of weed.

Morgan: Then why did you say you came as soon as you could?

Guy: Because I was so hot, I couldn’t unlock the bathroom door.

Morgan: Alright. Well apparently, I’m the only one who cares about me.

Guy: Not true, Morgan. Your fans care about you. We all care about you. And that cloud of weed has helped me see the future. Your’e gonna do the right thing accept responsibility for what you did tonight.

Morgan: What about SNL?

Guy: They’re gonna have you on two months later. I promise it. There aren’t many people willing to fly to New York right now.

Older Morgan: Hey, two months from now, that’s me.

Morgan: Well, that’s a relief I guess. But I was really excited to be the musical guest when Bill Burr was hosting.

Old Morgan: Well, who knows? Maybe you’ll end up with even a better host, my man!

Morgan: Dave Chappelle?

Old Morgan: Dave Chappelle? No, let’s not get greedy.

Morgan: Well, thank you, future Morgans and random weed guy. You inspired me to write a new song,

Old Morgan: Oh, yeah?

Morgan: It’s called “Focus on the future”.

Old Morgan: Sounds like he’s already in a better mindset.

Morgan: [singing] It’s hard to focus on the future
when the presence full of girls
if all you do is kiss all day
then you’ll miss out on world
So, let’s raise all our glass up
and I’ll thank you in advance
for giving this poor souther boy
a second yankee chance

Old Morgan: That’s beautiful.

All: Second yankee chance

Michigan Hearings Cold Open

Rep. Matt Hall… Mikey Day

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson… Ego Nwodim

Rudy Guliani… Kate McKinnon

Ms. Ellis… Lauren Holt

Melissa Malone… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mike Lindell… Beck Bennett

Fred… Alex Moffat

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

[Starts with C-SPAN schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN which is honestly surprising. Up next: The Michigan state senate hears special testimony regarding allegations of fraud in the Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson0Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson0 presidential election.

[Cut to the representatives in the court]

[cheers and applause]

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. I hereby call this hearing of the senate oversight committee to order. It is my honor and also one of the great horrors of my life to welcome president Trump’s personal attorney Ruby Giuliani.

Rudy Guliani: Thank you, your honor. It’s great to be in a court room where I’m not the defendant.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: This isn’t a courtroom.

Rudy Guliani: Honestly, I’m just happy to be indoors. Now, as my associate Ms. Ellis will prove today, this election was stolen from the American people with a level of trickery not seen since Houdini. [farts] That wasn’t me. That was you guys. But President Trump and I are going to overturn these illegal votes first in Michigan, then in Gerogillvania, and then Pennsichhutes and then North Dekanadan.

Rep. Matt Hall: But isn’t it true that all your lawsuits have been rejected because they’re based on zero actual evidence?

Rudy Guliani: You want evidence? Okay. Well, today I have brought before you a dozen highly intelligent, barely intoxicated individuals who are all eyewitnesses. After hearing their testimony, you’re going to say, “Wow. Rudy was right and he’s getting smarter and more respected everyday.” [farts] [pointing at Ms. Ellis] That was her.

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Giuliani– [he can smell the fart] Oh, god! It’s hitting us up here now. You may call your first witness.

Rudy Guliani: Alright. I would like to present someone who worked directly with dominion voting systems, Miss Melissa Malone.

[Melissa Malone walks in]

Melissa Malone: Thank you. I swear to tell my whole story and nothing about my stories. So, help me god.

Rep. Matt Hall: Please tell us what exactly you witnessed with the dominion machines.

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. Maybe try losing that attitude first just like you lost all those Trump ballots.

Rep. Matt Hall: I don’t handle ballots.

Melissa Malone: Yes, exactly. So, you wouldn’t know, would you?

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Please just talk.

Melissa Malone: You’re going to regret saying that because I personally saw hundreds, if not, thousands of dead people vote.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: You saw them?

Melissa Malone: Yes. Basically yes. I remember because I was walking on and they were walking in. Then they gave their votes to democrats. Then you probably did something crazy with them, didn’t you?

Rep. Matt Hall: I don’t handle ballots and I am a republican.

Melissa Malone: Then you’re literally useless. You have no use. Did you check every poll? Did you talk to all the dead people?

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: We’re state senators.

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. I have been threatened. My kids have been threatened. My kids have threatened me and I’ve threatened them right back.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry, but this testimony is full of lies.

Melissa Malone: I’m not lying. I signed it after David.

Rep. Matt Hall: In after David?

Melissa Malone: Yes. That’s correct. David signed and then I signed right after David.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Okay, Ms. Malone.

Melissa Malone: Hah? You’re just lucky I need another drink.

[Melissa Malone leaves]

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Giuliani. You may call your next witness.

Rudy Guliani: Oh, yes. My next witness needs no introduction or at least I hope she doesn’t because I lost the paper with all her information on it. Honey, you want to come in here?Come on.

[Heidi walks in. She looks drunk.]

Heidi: Good evening, your honor.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m not a judge and it’s 11 AM. Why exactly are you here today?

Heidi: Well, your honor, I’m not proud of this but I need to come forward anyhow. You see, I ate ballots.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry. You ate ballots?

Heidi: That’s right. I didn’t mean to. But the democrats pulled up a food truck and said it’s lunchtime. They opened the truck and it was full. Full of ballot sandwiches, ballot pizzas, ballot steaks and ballot spaghettis.

Rep. Matt Hall: What is a ballot spaghetti?

Heidi: It’s a ballot, then I talk like this.

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. Thank you. Can we have the next witness please?

[There’s Mike Lindell holding a pillow]

Mike Lindell: I will provide witness. Hi, I’m Mike Lindell, inventor of My Pillow. Do you know a demo rat can hide over a million fake ballots a My Pillow and still get a great night sleep, refreshed and ready to steal election? Thanks to My Pillow.

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Lindell, is this a commercial for My Pillow?

Mike Lindell: I would like it to be. Yes.

Rep. Matt Hall: Okay. Let’s keep this moving please.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Are we just gonna let any random person come in here start talking?

[Melissa Malone walks in]

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. We are all here under oath. If you want to talk about random, I voted for Trump, yet Biden won? Hmm. Maybe a little too random. You aren’t even going to admit that dominion cheated.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: How exactly did dominion cheat?

Melissa Malone: Well, for starters, they cheated me out of my cheesy bread.

Rep. Matt Hall: I think you’re confusing dominion with Domino’s.

Melissa Malone: Either way, my vote took longer than Rudy Guliani0 minutes, so it’s supposed to be free.

Rudy Guliani: [whispering to Melissa Malone] Maybe you want to pull it back a little. I’m worried you’re making us look foolish. [farts] Safety.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Mr. Giuliani, your next witness?

Rudy Guliani: Okay. My next witness is extraordinary and I mean that in a mean way. Fred, go nuts. Come on.

[Fred walks in]

Fred: Thanks. Thank you. [Fred looks very angry] What had happened was I was sitting in my backyard when all of a sudden a silver ship hovered above me and a warm light beamed aboard the space craft.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m sorry, this is an alien abduction story?

Fred: Please sir, let me finish. Yes, it was aliens, but the shocking part was this. I saw them clearly filling out absentee ballots all of them for Biden!

Rep. Matt Hall: And when exactly did this happen?

Fred: About seven years ago.

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. Mr. Giuliani, do you have any witnesses that have testimony based in reality?

Rudy Guliani: Yes, I do. The defense calls Nicole Kidman’s character from the Undoing.

[Nicole Kidman walks in]

Nicole Kidman: Your honor, my husband Hugh Grant is innocent. There’s no way he could have been that murderer. He’s too hot and white.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m sorry. Where is your accent supposed to be from?

Nicole Kidman: It’s from the Upper East side of Australia. Crikey, it’s Zabar’s!

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry but do we have to keep listening to these people?

Melissa Malone: Yes, exactly. [now she has a glass of martini in her hand] Because we need to listen to our heart’s and our mimes. Even though it’s fraudulent erection, it can still get you pregnant.

Rudy Guliani: Hey, this chick is really on to something.

Rep. Matt Hall: Could everyone please stop drinking during the hearing?

[now Rudy Guliani also has a glass of whiskey in his hand]

Rudy Guliani: I would love to but if I don’t drink a scotch every 15 minutes, I explode.

Melissa Malone: And this is not drinking. It’s actually the covid vaccine. I’m taking it first because I’m at risk. I got two big old comorbidity titties.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Okay. We’re gonna call this hearing to a close.

[Kyle and Pete walk in]

Kyle: No. This will not stand. We will do the whole thing over again.

Pete: That’s right. If we get one more shot, we can get it right this time.

Rep. Matt Hall: You think we should just re-do the entire election?

Kyle: Oh… No. We’re talking about kidnapping the governor!

Pete: Yeah. If we have one more shot, we can get her to my basement for sure.

Rep. Matt Hall: And out of curiosity, then what?

Kyle: We… yell at her.

Pete: Yeah! Let them all get back to work!

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: And what are your current jobs?

Kyle: I repair things that I’ve broken.

Pete: And I’m curious about fossils.

Rep. Matt Hall: You are both dismissed. Mr. Giuliani, I have to ask, is any of this really appropriate?

[Rudy Guliani has his hands inside his pants.]

Rudy Guliani: Sorry, what? Oh, I blacked out for a second.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Jesus, man. Just wrap it up.

Rudy Guliani: In conclusionI would say the defense rests but we will never rest. Not until this election is overturned or I get a full part and $10 million in cash. If you like what you saw here today, we’re having a press conference right after this at the Ritz-Carlton…. plumbing and heating supply company right off 594 between a dirty movie theater and crematorium. Pets are not only allowed, they’re required.

Rep. Matt Hall: Thank you, Mr. Giuliani.

Rudy Guliani: No. Thank you.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Bits

Garet… Chris Redd

Jake… Mikey Day

Steve… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Ryan… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with guys watching a game]

Garet: Fourth quarter, here we go. Everybody good on drinks? Jake?

Jake: Oh, no man. I got work early tomorrow. I think I’m good.

Steve: Cut to you forty beers later being like, “Ah! Actually I think I’m gonna be using that sick day.”

[everyone laughing]

Beck: Yeah. Cut to your wife tomorrow morning being like, “Are you drunk?” And you’re like, “No. [making puking sound] ”

Garet: Oh, come on, man! It’s not a late hit.

Jake: I know. This league is so soft now. It’s ridiculous.

Ryan: Cut to he’s like, so drunk, he’s got a grenade launcher now. And he’s like, “Ah! Never mind the kids. Save the burritos!”

[Everybody are looking at Ryan confused.]

Steve: What?

Ryan: Just.. from earlier. Jake. He’s just like, so drunk.

Garet: A grenade launcher? Man, I want whatever Ryan’s smoking.

[everyone laughing]

Ryan: I was just messing.

Jake: I think I’m gonna grab those buffalo wings actually. I’m starving.

[music playing]

[Everyone goes dark. The spotlight is on Ryan.]

Ryan: [singing] Why can’t I keep thе joke going?
(keep the joke going)
When I riff with my friends
I just slow things down
(slow things down)

I always jump in really confident
But nobody laughs at what I say

I try so hard
But what i say just doesn’t make sense
It sounds so good in my head
But then my energy is weird

I’m the guy who kills the bit
Kills the bit
Kills the bit

Yes, I’m always killing the bit
Killing the bit
Killing the bit

Now, once again, everybody’s laughing
I’d better say something cool and hilarious

[Cut back to everyone laughing and enjoying the game]

Ryan: Say… cut to, like, a giant mutated buffalo wing with boxing gloves, and it’s like, “In this corner, weighing in at a thousand pounds, Johnny buffalo!”

[Everyone is looking at him confused again]

Beck: What?

Ryan: The buffalo wings you guys were talking about…

Garet: That was, like, five minutes ago!

[all groan as Ryan spills the plate of wings.]

Beck: Oh, dude!

Jake: Okay…

Ryan: Guess Garett’s right. I want what I’m smoking!

Steve: Ryan, listen. We like you, man. You’re a great guy. So, I say this with love. You don’t have to be funny, man

Ryan: Alright, Steve!

Steve: No, seriously, man, it’s okay to just listen. You don’t have to add anything.

Ryan: Right. Cut to me making, like, a thousand more jokes.

Garet: I’m sorry. Am I missing something? What is this “cut to” thing?

Steve: Uh, we were doing it earlier. Maybe just give it a rest?

Beck: Yeah. I think we’re all a little “cut to”-ed out.

Ryan: For sure. Cut to… me making another “cut to” joke?

[All stare, then giggle a bit]

Garet: Okay, that’s not bad.

Jake: Yeah, that one was pretty good

[music playing]

Ryan: [singing] I’m the guy who nailed the bit
Nailed the bit
Nailed the bit

And now that I’ve proven myself
I’m finally just one of the guys

[Cut to the guys]

Ryan: Hey, Steve! Beer alert, think fast!

[Ryan throws the beer can at Steve and it hits him in the head.]

All: Oh!

Steve: Fuck!

Ryan: Oh, crap… I think I might just bounce.

Take Me Back

Keith… Beck Bennett

Cara… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Keith knocking the door]

Keith: Cara, please. Cara, please open the door.

[Cara opens the door]

Cara: I couldn’t have been more clear with you on the phone. I’m done with you, Keith.

Keith: I know. I know. And you should be done with that Keith. That Keith didn’t deserve you. But this Keith, the Keith I am now, he does. I’ve changed, baby. Take me back.

Cara: You’ve changed? How, Keith? How have you changed?

Keith: I quit drinking. I haven’t touched a drop in a month.

Cara: Really?

Keith: Yeah. It was hard but I did it for you.

Cara: I’m glad.

Keith: And no more cocaine.

Cara: What?

Keith: I know. I never thought I could keep that nose blown either, but you gave me strength.

Cara: Sorry. You did coke?

Keith: Just to help keep me off the booze for a couple of years before that too. But those days behind me. No alcohol. No cocaine. No pills. I’m a new man.

Cara: God, Keith! Pills too?

Keith: Yeah. It’s that same old story. You know? Go to the doctor because you’re in pain and they give you these pills to help. But–

Cara: You got hooked.

Keith: Exactly. The next thing I know, I’m taking a fistfuls of Valtrex just to get out of bed in the morning.

Cara: Valtrex is for herpes, Keith. Do you have herpes?

Keith: The old Keith did. But this Keith? Nah. He is good.

Cara: That’s not how herpes works. God! Now I probably have it too.

Keith: Oh baby. You know if you have the kind I have. Plus I always used protection when we were together.

Cara: You never wore a condom.

Keith: But I always had a gun.

Cara: A gun? I’m glad you’re getting your life together but we’re through.

Keith: How can you say that, baby?

Cara: You just told me you have herpes.

Keith: Had. Past tense, baby. Past.

Cara: No. No, no, no, no. I don’t even know why you want to get back together. Half the time we were dating, you were romantically checked out.

Keith: I know. But that’s because, and this is hard for me to say but I had got a little too into porn.

Cara: Wow. That explains a lot.

Keith: Yeah. It’s addictive. I mean it seems harmless at first but then next thing you know, you’re shooting two or three scenes a day and there’s nothing left in the tank when you get home.

Cara: I’m sorry. You were doing porn? Like, having sex with women on the internet?

Keith: What? No. Never.

Cara: Thank god.

Keith: Never women. But baby all that’s behind me now. I’m not that stupid boy I was back then. I’ve grown. I’m a man. I’m Keith8 now.

Cara: You’re Keith8 now?

Keith: Yeah. I’ve changed.

Cara: No. How old were you when we started dating?

Keith: Old enough to know I messed up.

Cara: Oh my god. I’m going to jail.

Keith: Baby, don’t worry about that. Even if the cops found out, I wouldn’t say anything.

Cara: Good. Because–

Keith: [pulls out his gun] I’ll do the hardware do the talking.

Cara: Jesus! Keith! Put that thing away.

Keith: You sound like all those people in the playground. “Put that thing away.”

Cara: You took a gun out in the playground?

Keith: Gun? No. Never a gun.

Cara: What the hell is wrong with you?

Keith: People at the playground said that too.

Cara: Keith!

Keith: Alright. I’ll go. But first, there’s something I should have done a long time ago.

[Keith gets to his knees]

Cara: Oh my god!

[Keith presses the button that’s on his home arrest device]

Keith: I have to press that every hour so they know I’m still wearing it.

Cara: Why do you have that, Keith?

Keith: Because of what I took out of the playground.

Cara: Right.

Keith: It was my penis.

Cara: Yeah. I got that, Keith.

Keith: Look. I know I’m not perfect but you are. And I can’t live my life without you, baby. So, please, take me back.

[Keith and Cara are looking at each other. But then police cars come in.]

Oh, crap! Could you just hand on to this for me for like, a day or two? [handing over all the guns, pills and drugs that Keith has on him to Cara] Thanks. You never saw me, okay? I wasn’t here. Love you.

[Keith runs away]

Cara: He loves me.

Biden Victory Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

John King… Alex Moffat

Joe Biden… Jim Carey

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Tump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with CNN Election Night intro]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer at his set]

Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to what has become election week in America. I’m Wolf Blitzer and I have been awake so long that my weird beard finally makes sense. I’m joined by John King who has been operating our touch screen for the past 85 hours.

[Cut to John King]

How are you John?

John King: Oh, I’m great, Wolf. Thanks. My fingers are knobs, but I think that’s normal. [John King shows his fingers. He has no fingers.]

Wolf Blitzer: And for the folks at home who’ve been obsessively watching cable news all week. We’ve been teasing a big announcement and today it’s finally here. CNN can now project that Joe Biden will be the next president president of the Unites States. [cheers and applause] I know I’m supposed to be a neutral news anchor but god dammit that feels good. Whoo!

[Wolf Blitzer and John King do high-five.]

We go now live to president elect Biden who is taking the stage in Wilmington, Delaware.

[Cut to Joe Biden walking to the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, America. We did it. Can you believe it? I honestly kind of can’t. It’s been so long since something good happened. Sure it took forever. We kept edging close and closer. It was like having sex with Sting. What a release, man! I’ve never felt so alive. Which is ironic because I’m not that alive. And look, as I’ve said many times, I don’t care whether you voted for me or not. I’m going to be president for all Americans. That’s right. Whether you’re from a liberal state like California, or a conservative state like Oklahoma, or a cracked out hot mess like Florida, I will be your president. And I will have an incredible VP at my side. Senator Kamala Harris.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

[cheers and applause]

I said it right?

Kamala Harris: Yes. You got it, Joe. Thank you, everybody. Like Joe, I am humbled and honored to be the first female– [cheers and applause] Yes, the first female, the first black, [cheers and applause] the first Indian-American, [cheers and applause] and the first bi-racial vice president. And if any of that terrifies you, well I don’t give a font. Also, my husband will be the first second gentleman, and he’s Jewish. So, between us, we checked more boxes than a disqualified ballot. And to all the little black and brown girls watching right now, I just want to say this. The reason your mom is laughing so much tonight is because she’s drunk. And the reason she’s crying is because she’s drunk. Your mom is going to switch from laughing to crying to dancing pretty much all night. And it’s not because she’s crazy, it’s coz she’s drunk.
Joe Biden: Tonight, we’re not going to stand here and gloat.

Kamala Harris: Well, maybe–

Joe Biden: We’re not rubbing our victory in everybody’s face.

Kamala Harris: But like, just a tiny bit?

Joe Biden: We’re humbly accepting this victory.

Kamala Harris: Exactly, and I’m just going to play a quick song on my phone.

[Kamala Harris plays a song that says “You about to lose Donald Trump”. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris start dancing.]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright. Hold that dance for just a moment because people don’t just want to see Biden and Kamala happy, they also want to see Trump sad. So, let’s check in on the president’s concession speech which I’m sure will be gracious and factual.

[Cut to Donald Tump in the White House]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Tump: Good evening. Thank you. Thank you for coming to watch my victory speech tonight. As anyone who died halfway through Tuesday knows, I was reelected president of the United States. But of course they’re trying to steal the election away from me. Come on, let’s hear it. Stop the count! Stop the count!

[Kellyanne Conway walks in and whispers on Donald Tump’s ear]

What’s that? I’m behind? Okay, then count all the votes! Count all the votes! Every last votes! But we all know this election was rigged. Just look at the map. There was no blue wave. It was a red wave across the whole country.

[Kellyanne Conway pulls in a map. The whole USA map is marked red but it’s for the covid-Wolf Blitzer9 cases.]

Show them the map, Kelly. See? So much red. So much red.

Kellyanne Conway: Oops! Sorry, this is the covid map.

Donald Tump: Okay, the map’s not important, okay? Put the map away! No one wants to see the map. Thank you, Kelly. The fact is I was winning on Tuesday. Then they started whittling it away my votes, whittling them down until there was only a wittle bit weft. But I vow to all my supporters, I will fight this thing to the bitter end. I will never give up and neither should you.

[Donald Tump walks towards a piano]

Hey. Let me remind all of you who I really am.

[music playing]

[singing] Ae, ae, macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man
macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man

And this isn’t goodbye, America. I’m just going to say, see you in court!

[Cut to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Well, unlike President Trump, we do accept the results of this election.

Joe Biden: We’re not mad at them. We have to act graciously at victory though. We need to go forward together. Unfortunately, there are situations in life and this is one of them. Well, there must be a winner and … [mocking] llllllloser! lllooo… ser!!

Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and Donald Tump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Headless Horseman

Icabod Crane… John Mulaney

Headless Horseman… Beck Bennett

William… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with a man walking into the woods in a full moon night.]

Icabod Crane: Keet it together, Icabod Crane. Nothing to be afraid of in these spooky, scary woods. [spooky noise] What? What is that? [he sees an owl] It was only an owl. Calm your nerves, Icabod.

Unknown voice: Icabod Crane.

Icabod Crane: Who’s there? Show yourself.

Unknown voice: Icabod Crane. [There’s a headless horseman] How dare you trespass in these woods on all Hallow’s eve?

Icabod Crane: My god, it’s the headless horseman. The one I heard tale of in ghastly stories.

Headless Horseman: The very same.

Icabod Crane: And it’s true what they say. You’re cursed to carry around your own severed head.

Headless Horseman: For eternity.

Icabod Crane: So, since you’re holding a detached but animated head, do you ever use it to… you know.

Headless Horseman: To what?

Icabod Crane: Do you use it? You know, like, on yourself?

Headless Horseman: What? What on earth are you talking about?

Icabod Crane: No. It’s– Okay, look. I’ve been trying to do it with myself with my regular attached head. I tried yoga and I tried stretching. I even had the town doctor remove two of my ribs.

Headless Horseman: Argh! That’s disgusting.

Icabod Crane: Oh! Says the man holding his severed head. Don’t tell me it never crossed your mind. Look how you’re holding the head. The mouth is already right there.

Headless Horseman: Honestly, I’ve never thought about it.

Icabod Crane: Well, it would have been my first thought right after, “Oh, my god. They chopped off my head”, I would have pivoted to, “Huh? Possible silver lining here.” It’s like they always say, ‘when life hands you a severed head, you put your mouth on your digus.’

Headless Horseman: Enough! You’ll have plenty of time to think such foul thoughts after I send you straight to hell.

[William walks in]

William: Icabod, I came as soon as I could.

Icabod Crane: Oh, how brave. You came to rescue me, William?

William: No. I wanted to ask the horseman some questions. You ever just roll into the ladies room?

Headless Horseman: Excuse me?

William: The head. You ever roll it under the stalls in the woman’s bathroom and be like, “Mental pictures”.

Headless Horseman: No! Of course, not. I don’t even go indoors.

William: Okay. Then you ever use your head to… you know… on yourself?

Headless Horseman: He already asked that.

Icabod Crane: I already asked that.

William: Great minds.

Icabod Crane: Hey, follow up to my thing. Do you, like most men in our era, have false removable teeth because that could feel really good if you got–

Headless Horseman: I have real teeth.

William: Ah! Bummer!

Icabod Crane: But could you tilt the head so that you can make eye contact, like, if someone wanted that, I mean.

Headless Horseman: No. I mean, yes. But why would anyone want that?

William: Personal connection.

Icabod Crane: Power, for me.

William: Hey. When your throat got cut, did it happen to the gag reflex?

Headless Horseman: Okay. Now, I’m sending you both to hell.

William: Why send us to hell when you can send yourself to heaven?

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Icabod, William, did you ask the horseman about–

Icabod Crane: Yes, yes. We’re like, way into it.

Mikey: Then, I have a question that’s gonna seem weird on several levels. But is the head dishwasher safe?

Headless Horseman: What are you talking about?

Mikey: I’m just curious about clean up.

Icabod Crane: No, no, I get that. But listen, it’s an open neck, right? So, he could probably just drink a glass of water after you do it. And it just like, falls out.

William: Yeah. You could probably go in through the neck too. That’s a whole new experience.

Headless Horseman: All your minds are filthy. What is going on in this town?

Icabod Crane: Well, it’s full of puritans, homie. We’re the most sexually repressed people in history.

William: Yeah. Sorry I’m obsessed with sex. This is going to shock you but my wife Goodie Chasity isn’t exactly fulfilling my needs.

Headless Horseman: Alright. I’m through with this conversation. Icabod Crane, you shall suffer my wraith– [William walks to Headless Horseman and tries to lift his head off his hand.] Hey! What are you doing? No.

[William passes the head to Icabod Crane]

Icabod Crane: Alright. Let’s just say things are coming to a-head [pun].

Male voice: And so, the legend of sleepy hollow was born. They say if you walk the woods today, you can sill hear the ghostly cries of the horseman’s head yelling, “Come on guys! I need a break!” And then, “Hey, hey! The ears are off-limits!” Happy all hallows eve, from all of us at NBC, but mainly Lorne who wrote this sketch.