Tag: Bowen Yang

Fox & Friends Cold Open- Dominion Lawsuit

Steve Doocy… Mikey Day

Brian Kilmeade… Bowen Yang

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Mike Lindell… James Austin Johnson

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Famale voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set]

Steve Doocy: Good morning. Welcome to Fox and Friends. I’m Steve Doocy here with my good friends Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt.

Brian Kilmeade: Thank you, Steve. As always, we are coming to you live from our studio in New York City. New York what a cesspool.

Steve Doocy: Oh, that’s a Democrat run city for you.

Ainsley Earhardt: I know. Just today I was pushed onto the subway tracks by a homeless man and then push back on the platform by rats.

Steve Doocy: Argh, terrible. Well, you may have heard that Fox News is currently facing a $1.6 billion lawsuit from Dominion voting systems.

Brian Kilmeade: I’m surprised because I’m such a fan of Dominions. The little yellow guys with the overalls they go Banana.

Mike: No, Brian, not the Minions. We’re talking about the Dominion voting machines lawsuits. And our boss Rupert Murdoch gave some pretty shocking testimony in the case.

Ainsley Earhardt: This whole trial has been so unfair. They are raking him over the coals. Rupert Murdoch would never murder anyone.

Steve Doocy: Sorry. What?

Ainsley Earhardt: They sent him away for life. Look how sad he looks. Now, where’s that picture I found?

[a picture of Alex Murdoch appears on the screen]

Steve Doocy: Ainsley!

Ainsley Earhardt: What?

Steve Doocy: That’s not Rupert Murdoch. That’s Alex Murdoch.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, we just blew the case wide open. They got the wrong guy.

Steve Doocy: Okay, I’ll explain later. Anyway, Rupert Murdoch admitted that Fox News aired election fraud conspiracies to get ratings even though everyone at Fox knew they were false.

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, I didn’t. Loop a brother in next time.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now, you may be wondering if it’s such a big story, why haven’t I heard about it on Fox?

Brian Kilmeade: I think it’s because they’re suing us for $1.6 billion.

Steve Doocy: No, it’s cuz it’s complete BS. The media is taking private texts from Fox News hosts and showing them completely out of content.

Brian Kilmeade: Like this one from Sean Hannity. “Rudy Giuliani is insane…” How could you leave out the rest? It’s “Rudy Giuliani is insanely hot. I just want to lick that head guy.”

Steve Doocy: Oh-hoo. I mean, who wouldn’t? Right? And some of the messages they showed at the trial didn’t even relate to the lawsuit at all. For example, the text “Mind blowingly nuts,” “Off the rails,” and “F-ing lunatic” were all sent in response to Laura Ingram’s text, “What should I put my Tinder bio?”

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay. You go girl. It’s hard out there.

Steve Doocy: All right. We have a special guest whose appearances on Fox were heavily featured in the trial, is a Fox News staple and happens to be our number one advertiser, it’s mMy Pillow’s Mike Lindell.

Mike Lindell: Hello Ainsley and the guys. I’m down at CPAC right now and it is an absolute blast. I was just over at the Biden dunk tank. It’s not the real Biden you dunk, but the actor is just as old. So you never know if he’s coming back up. There’s real risk there.

Brian Kilmeade: It’s great. Well, we’re glad to have you on but because of this lawsuit, our lawyers have asked you please don’t say anything crazy about Dominion.

Mike Lindell: No problem, I’ve been briefed. I know the rules. Every Dominion machine has a Venezuelan Oompah Loompah inside. They eat the votes with its little mouth.

Steve Doocy: Mike, gotta cut you off there, pal. You know, we can’t just be saying whatever anymore.

Mike Lindell: Oh, of course. Of course. Let me choose my words carefully. Dominion voting machines give triple votes to Democrats, illegals, and that lady Eminem that stuck shaving her pits.

Steve Doocy: Mike, okay, we’re gonna have to end it there.

Mike Lindell: That’s probably for the best. I have to say there’s whole Dominion thing has been a nightmare for me and my family, especially my wife. [pulls out a pillow] Sorry, Philomena, you know, it’s true.

Steve Doocy: All right. Okay. Well, let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll talk more about the Alex Murdoch’s sentencing with our Fox Crime expert, OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: What? Man, I don’t know why everybody thinks I’m an expert on this. Shoot. Booking me on the show without telling me why. Makes me so mad. I could just- No, I’m okay. Hey, man, live from New York. It’s Saturday night. You know what I’m saying?

Waking Up

Doctor… Bowen Yang

Charlie… Pedro Pascal

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Sarah Sherman

Heidi: Doctor, I can’t believe this. How long has my husband been awake?

Bowen: Since this morning. And hey, call me Dr. Jim. He’s still very weak after the coma, but his mouth is moving and it seems like he wants to speak.

Kenan: Oh my god, I thought I lost my best friend. This is a miracle.

Sarah: I know. Look, he’s waking up.

Heidi: Charlie. Hey, it’s me. Welcome back.

Charlie: Oh my god. Where am I? Why am I in a bed? I don’t got anything that’s going on right now.

Heidi: Doctor?

Doctor: It’s very common. He’s gonna be a little confused at first.

Charlie: Why is everybody-? Who is everybody? Why am I wearing paper?

Kenan: Did you say paper? Now that your hospital robe, buddy?

Heidi: Yeah, honey, you were in a little accident.

Charlie: Why are you calling me honey? Who are you?

Heidi: I’m your wife.

Charlie: Okay, not today.

Heidi: Did he say “Not today?” Honey, we’ve been married for eight years.

Charlie: Let’s just put a pin in that.

Heidi: Doctor?

Doctor: He may not recognize you right now. But the important thing is, is that he’s up and talking.

Kenan: Yeah, but he’s talking with this like LA Mosh mouth thing. I mean, I’ve literally never heard that before.

Charlie: You think I sound LA? Thank you. I love LA.

Heidi: He has a totally different personality.

Doctor: This is completely normal and temporary. There’s even been instances of people coming out of comas and speaking foreign languages they could never before.

Charlie: Can I speak Spanish? Let me try. Saba, saba, sama, sama. Sounds like Spanish to me.

Kenan: No. It’s not Spanish. Is his brain okay?

Doctor: Let’s find out. Charlie, listen very carefully. You measure my life in two hours. And I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. What am I?

Charlie: Duh, you’re a condo.

Doctor: He’s fine.

Heidi: That’s how you test for brain damage? [pulls out her phone] Okay honey, look at this video. This is what you normally sound like.

Charlie [in video]: Hey babe, made it to Arkansas. Pretty cool place. Miss you.

Charlie: Okay, he’s the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. Why does he live in Arkansas?

Sarah: No, Charlie, that’s you. You are on a business trip in Arkansas. That’s where you got hit by that Party City Truck.

Charlie: That’s not me. And who are you? Another wife?

Sarah: No, I’m not your wife. I’m your sister.

Charlie: Let’s put a pin in that.

Heidi: Why does he keep wanting to put a pin in things? Are you sure his brand is okay?

Doctor: Absolutely. Watch this. Charlie, Identify these objects. Okay?

Charlie: [ball card] Baa. [bird card] Bi. [boat card] Bo. [card with Bill Burr’s face] Bill Burr.

Doctor: He’s fine. Great job Charlie.

Charlie: Aw, thank you.

Heidi: Please, I want my old Charlie back. Look at him.

Charlie: No. I’m way skinnier than him.

Kenan: That’s because you lost 50 pounds in the coma.

Charlie: Oh, good for me.

Heidi: Doctor, I just don’t know if I can handle that.

Charlie: Oh my god. Don’t cry. You’re gonna make me cry. Come on, hold my hand. Look, I don’t know who you are. And despite what I said, I can’t speak Spanish. But the important thing is you’re my soulmate. And you and I, [in normal voice] you and I are going to be fine.

Doctor: See how he’s sounding clearer already?

Charlie: Because no matter what, people always gonna do that talk. And that’s the truth.

Doctor: Okay, he’s back sliding a little.

Heidi: What do I do?

Doctor: Meet him where he’s at.

Heidi: [speaking like him] Charlie, I’m your wife and I’ll never get tired.

Doctor: Really?

Sarah: [speaking like him] Yes, and that goes same for me.

Kenan: [speaking like him] Now, I’m going to cry. And I like, never cry.

Charlie: Aww, you guys

The Big Hollywood Quiz

Jack Del Mar… Bowen Yang

Robert… Pedro Pascal

Jacqueline… Ego Nwodim

Mary… Chloe Fineman

Announcer: It’s time for the big Hollywood quiz. Here’s your host Jack Del Mar.

Jack: [singing] Light shines so brightly on Chaplin and garble
tonight we delight in James Dean and Jean Harlow
where legends of the past meet the stars of tomorrow
on the Big Hollywood Quiz

Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to the show that’s all about entertainments. Let’s meet our contestants. First Roberts is the professor of Film Studies at Tisch School of the arts.

Robert: Hi, Jack.

Jack: Next, Jacqueline is an entertainment writer for USA Today.

Jacqueline: Great to be here.

Jack: Finally, Mary hosts her own show on the history of Hollywood. What kind of show was it Mary?

Mary: It’s a podcast.

Jack: Oh, okay. Well, our categories are the movies, the shows, the stars, and Hooray. Robert, you’re first.

Robert: Thanks, Jack. We got to start with movies.

Jack: We got to this question is from the 1950s. In “All About Eve”, she famously said, “Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.” Robert, you buzzed in first.

Robert: One and only, Betty Davis.

Jack: Yes, that’s $500. You’re on the board. Moving over to the shows. This one is from the 80s. In 1983, this TV show set during the Korean War had a finale watched by over 100 million viewers. Jacqueline.

Jacqueline: Mash, and it was watched by 106 million.

Jack: That’s it. $500 for you. Great job. Now let’s go over to the 2020s. This breakout hit is the current number one show on Netflix. It’s Ginny & …? [all three contestants are quiet] No one? It’s the most watched show on the most watched streaming service in the world. No? Gini & …?

Robert: Juice?

Jack: No. It was Gini & Georgia. Gini & Georgia season two.

Jacqueline: Is that from Europe?

Jack: No. It’s totally American. Okay, Robert, pick a catJacquelinery.

Robert: Let’s go to Hurray.

Jack: Great. These are all about awards sticking with the 2020s. This film written and directed by Sarah Polley has been nominated for Best Picture this year. [all three contestants are quiet] No one? I’ll give you a hint. It has an all female cast featuring Oscar winner Francis McDormand.

Robert: 80 for Brady.

Jack: No. Anyone else?

Jacqueline: Can you give us a hint?

Jack: It’s women talking.

Robert: Be more specific.

Jack: No, that’s the title. “Women Talking”. It’s a wonderful film. Do you all watch much TV or movies?

Jacqueline: I do, at least 12 hours a day.

Jack: Yikes. Here’s the next question. Just last week, Andrea Riseborough was nominated for an Oscar for her role in which movie? [all three contestants are quiet] Anyone? Andrea Riseborough. They say it was the best performance of her career.

Jacqueline: Career?

Jack: It was “To Lesley.” That’s right, “To Lesley”. It’s great. You should really see it because so far it’s made $27,300.

Mary: Okay, that’s not a lot for opening weekend.

Jack: It’s been out for four months.

Robert: Can I make a request, Jack? Can we do a question with some big movie stars, people we would all know.

Jack: Sure. Like who?

Robert: I don’t know. Nicole Kidman?

Jack: Absolutely. Here’s one. This past year Nicole Kidman starred in this “darkly feminist drama” on Apple TV.

Robert: Wednesday?

Jack: No. Anyone? Nobody? It was Roar. That’s right. Roar.

Jacqueline: No.

Jack: Yes. Okay, let’s do Samuel L. Jackson. Everyone knows him, right? This past year Samuel L Jackson starred in this critically acclaimed drama on Apple TV.

Robert: Wednesday.

Jack: No. Sorry, it was “The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey”.

Mary: Oh, come on. You got to be kidding me.

Jack: I’m totally serious.

Robert: Jack, please. I’m sure the shows are great. But where did all the big popular movies go?

Jack: Oh, they’re still here. They’re just in your phone and you can watch them on the toilet. Ha-ha-ha. Okay. No one is in the lead. Let’s just move on to the speed round. Robert, you’re still in control. Our era is the 80s.

Robert: Great.

Jack: Here’s the question. But year 1989 featured movies like “The Little Mermaid,” “When Harry Met Sally,” “Batman,” “Dead Poets Society,” and “Do the right thing.” Robert, named three movies from the past five years.

Robert: Oh, wow. Three Okay. Wow, Top Gun.

Jack: Okay, that’s one.

Robert: Great. Oh gosh. The Hangover?

Jack: That was 20 years ago.

Robert: The night man.

Jack: Sounds like you’re just saying words. Come on. All you need is one. Can’t you just name one more movie?

Robert: No.

Jack: That’s right. “No.” You’ve won the speed round.

Robert: Yay. Why?

Jack: Now, just take the win, Robert. When we come back, these three will try to guess what Julia Roberts is doing on Stars. Bye.

Spy Balloon Cold Open

Katy Tur… Chloe Fineman

William Hamilton… Kenan Thompson

Balloon… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

[Cut to Katy in her news set]

[cheers and applause]

Katy: Good evening. It’s good to be with you. I’m Katy Tur, and tonight Our long national nightmare is over. We got the balloon. The discovery of the massive surveillance balloon earlier this week inflammed already volatile US-Chinese relations and had many on the right calling the Biden administration’s response soft, including this tweet from Donald Trump Jr. saying, “If my dad was president, there would be no balloons!!!!” And this one from Marjorie Taylor Greene saying, “Look, it’s the real moon.” For more details, I’m honored to be joined tonight by Pentagon official and aviation expert General William Hamilton.

William: Thank you for having me.

Katy: Congratulations general, on your successful mission.

William: Thank you. We popped the balloon.

Katy: General, we’ve never seen an object like this gain entry into our airspace before. How did that happen?

William: That’s an excellent question, Katy. The balloon was somehow able to get past our West Coast anti balloon defense system, the Seattle Space Needle. But once it was here, we were able to keep an eye on it with our sophisticated tracking technology of going like this. [looks above]

Katy: Understood.

William: I know there were questions about why we didn’t shoot it down immediately. But we wanted to wait till it was over the coast so that it wouldn’t fall on people or go shoos-shoo-shoo-shoo and land on my car.

Katy: It looked like it was a very exciting operation. Can you take us through it?

William: Well, I did bring a 3d rendering of the enemy target. [pulls out a small balloon toy out of his pocket] Now, imagine this is a lot bigger, but then pretty far away it looks a lot smaller too.

Katy: Now, that was gathering intel. Was it taking pictures?

William: We don’t know. But I do know if you tap it, it plays music [William taps the small balloon toy. It plays music.]

Katy: Okay, well General, thank you so much for your heroism and for protecting our nation.

William: Thank you, Mrs. Tur. And I want everyone to know that we will not tolerate any form of Chinese spy. But to be honest, they already have everything they need from TikTok. So scroll away, kids.

Katy: Thank you General, and this is exciting. I’m getting word we have located the remains of the balloon and I’m told we have a live feed. Let’s see how it looks.

[Cut to Bowen as a balloon, wearing balloon costume floating on a sea]

Balloon: Well, you got me. Congrats, you shot a balloon.

Katy: Wow, balloon. Well, I’m sorry. You’re in the water. But thank you for speaking to us.

Balloon: I entertain new people for four days. And then get shot by Biden? I can’t believe I’m Joe’s O’Sama.

Katy: Now I have to ask What were you doing flying over Montana?

Balloon: I love the show Yellowstone, so I was just there. It’s like succession but outside. Now I’m all wet. So what a day.

Katy: Well, I’m actually surprised you’re still floating. Experts were saying you’re the size of three buses.

Balloon: Okay, ouch. I’m a balloon. So that’s my body. How would you like it if someone measured your width in buses? I’m sorry. I’m not camera ready. And who’s this? [a pigeon flies near] No, no, no, no, no, don’t, get away. God. I hate the ocean. I’m really more of an air guy.

Katy: Look, I’m sorry. But people were worried they were being spied on.

Balloon: By me? A balloon. Everyone’s being surveilled constantly, but it’s always shoot the balloon and never unplug Alexa. If you care so much about your data, why do you all keep your bank passwords in the Notes app? Okay? You mail your literal DNA to a company to find out if you’re 10% French, but just we just a balloon.

Katy: Now the concern was that you were taking sensitive images of the US.

Balloon:I was so far away. It’s like when your aunt takes a concert video on her iPad. And you’re like, I guess that’s my Googoo Bleh. I couldn’t even tell what I was looking at from up there. Like frankly, I thought the state lines would be like drawn out. I thought I would see words over the places

Katy: Well, we just did what we had to do to protect the security of our country.

Balloon: Oh, why is everyone freaking out because I’m a Chinese balloon? Because where I come from, I’m just a balloon.

Katy: Well thanks for speaking with us today and we’re sorry for how everything had to go down.

Balloon: Oh Katy, don’t do that. You’ve made it very clear that I’m not welcome here. So good job. But let me tell you something. You’re gonna miss this Chinese spy balloon, I mean normal balloon. Dammit. Well, whatever. We already have your data. And live from New York it’s Saturday night!

Video Game Session

Stephen… Andrew Dismukes

Trace…Michael B. Jordan

Danny… Bowen Yang

Frank… Mikey Day

Marcello Hernandez

Stephen: Okay, guys, thank you for being here to lay down some voiceover for the much anticipated Street Fighter 6 game.

Trace: Excited to be here. Thanks.

Danny: Thrilled to be on board. Whoo!

Stephen: And thanks for coming in last minute, Danny. Our last actor Frank quit due to creative differences. And because I slept with his wife.

Marcello: Argh, actors.

Stephen: I know. So Trace, you’ll be playing Ken, a former US national fighting champ.

Trace: I’m totally in my element. I served for years.

Stephen: And Danny you are a martial artist seeking true strength, Ryu.

Danny: Whoo, love.

Stephen: All right, well, for this first take, let’s just get both of you recording efforts. Taking blows, landing hits, that kind of thing.

Marcello: I’m rolling.

Stephen: And action.

Trace: Uh, ugh, ah, hah, hai-yah, urghh.

Stephen: Yes, that’s great. Danny, let’s get the same from you.

Danny: Okay. Whoo! Wohoo! Ah-woo! Yay! Whoo!

Stephen: Let’s cut. Let’s cut.

Danny: That was really fun. Thanks for letting me play.

Stephen: Yeah, so I guess we were looking for more grunts, you know? You’re fighting, you’re in pain.

Danny: Oh, I see. [looking at Trace] So maybe do it like you’re fighting or you’re in pain.

Trace: Okay, got it. Got it. Got it.

Stephen: No, no, Trace. You don’t need to change what you were doing. But Danny, maybe it’s more aggressive, animalistic, that kind of thing.

Danny: Hmm, yes, Chef.

Stephen: All right. And Action.

Trace: Ugh!

Danny: Whoo!

Trace: Uh!

Danny: Aru!

Trace: Huuuh!

Danny: Woof!

Trace: Wouf!

Danny: Wouf! Wouf!

Trace: Hoof! Hoof!

Danny: Meow!

Trace: Oink!

Danny: Snake!

Trace: Ka-ka-doo-doo.

Stephen: Cut. Okay, no. Trace, don’t match what he’s doing.

Trace: Oh, okay. He’s just an amazing scene partner. So.

Danny: Thank you. And I was just taking your note. You said to do animals.

Stephen: Yeah, but I said a bunch of stuff before that.

Danny: Well, I have auditory recency bias. So you can’t say that to me. I could sue you.

Trace: Okay guys, guys. Please don’t fight. It reminds me of the war and of fighting.

Stephen: You know what? Let’s just move on. We need to get these quick verbal phrases to say during the fight. And action.

Trace: Take that.

Danny: Hey, I like your necklace.

Trace: What? This old thing? Thanks.

Danny: See? Kindness wins.

Trace: You’re right. Let’s not fight it.

Danny: Yay, I forgot to ask. What are your pronouns?

Trace: He/him.

Stephen: Cut.

Danny: I’ll tell him. Ken is he/they.

Stephen: Guys? We can’t use any of that.

Danny: Aww, that makes me sad. Is there a reason?

Stephen: Yes, it’s because no one sounds like that when they fight.

Trace: That’s actually not true. I mean, you remind me exactly as someone I served with in Iraq.

Danny: Oh, you went to Iraq? Where did you stay?

Stephen: Dan! Didn’t want to say this, but you just need to play a more hetero.

Danny: Okay, you should have just said that in the beginning. I got it. Let’s roll. Hey, brother, Ken, biceps looking huge.

Trace: You looking pretty swole yourself, bro.

Danny: I saw you changing in the locker room, but I was completely soft my dude.

Trace: How the hell do you know my name?

Danny: Hey, easy brother. My wife’s on this app.

Stephen: What are you talking about? This isn’t an app.

Danny: It’s a video game? Well, then brother. I’ll race you to the GameCube brother.

Stephen: What? Danny, Dan. Answered me honestly. Do you really think you would sound like this in a real fight?

Danny: Yes, I would brother.

[Frank walks in]

Stephen: Oh my god. Frank. What are you doing here?

Frank: I told you I’ll kill you for sleeping with my wife.

Trace: No. I’ll protect you. [pushing Frank] Ugh!

Danny: [hitting Frank] Whoo!

Trace: [slapping Frank] Ugh!

Danny: [pushing Frank] Meow!

Male voice: KO!

Stephen: Well, I’ll be damned. You two just saved my life.

Danny: No, Stephen, Ken and Ryu saved your life.

Male Confidence Seminar

Andrew Dismukes

Ron… Bowen Yang

Devon Walker

James Austin Martin

Michael B. Jordan

Michael Longfellow

Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with a number of adult males in a confidence seminar]

Andrew: Say it again.

Ron: I’m strong. I’m desirable. People want to have sex with me.

Andrew: Now roar like a lion.

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Louder!

Ron: Rawr!

Andrew: Wow. Give it up for Ron everybody. Yes, I have chills. See? That’s what male charisma training is all about. Confidence. You see, I used to be a lot like you guys. Awkward, hated my body, walked around like this. But then I developed my social Mastery program. And now look at me. I stand like an alpha. I’ve got the scarf. I effing made it.

[everybody claps]

You. You’ve taken my class before, yes?

Devon: Yes, sir. Three times. Yeah. And I have an update. Actually, I got a girlfriend now.

Andrew: Hell, yes. What was your approach?

Devon: Well, she’s not a girlfriend. You know, she’s actually like a barista. So.

Andrew: Oh. But hey, introduce yourself, right?

Devon: No, sir.

Andrew: So you saw girl at a coffee shop? Cool round of applause for him. That’s not nothing, folks. That’s not nothing. Yes, a question in the back.

[Michael is there carrying a jar of water]

Michael: Yeah. Where do you want this water delivery?

Andrew: I don’t know. Dude, do I look like I work for the hotel?

[everybody laughing]

Michael: Oh, okay. My apologies. [he’s looking for a place to put it]

Andrew: You, question?

James: Yeah. I’m pretty lonely. I have a job. I feel like I’m doing everything right. I just get nervous that women are going to make fun of me if I approach them.

Andrew: Mm-hmm. And what do you do for work?

James: I critique female stand ups on YouTube.

Andrew: Sure, sure. Look, after one session here, nothing will rattle you. Okay? Watch this. Anybody out there? Anybody. Say the meanest thing you can think of me? Anybody?

Michael: [sitting quietly at the back] Forehead.

Andrew: Sorry, what does that even mean?

Michael: Forehead.

Andrew: Okay, sure. It’s just funny because I don’t like to have weird forehead.

Michael: Ha-ha-ha. Just keep talking, goofy.

Andrew: I’m not goofy. I’m actually regular. All right? Listen, when you approach a lady what you want to do is you want to take an alpha body stance. Broad shoulders.

Michael: Hmm, broad forehead.

Andrew: Sir! Sir, I’m fine if you stay. Just don’t interrupt me, please.

Michael: No, I might. I might.

Andrew: Okay, look, no matter what a lady throws at you, and they can say some pretty random stuff. Just roll with it. I’ll show you any volunteer. [Michael and James stand up] Oh, I think you stood up first, sir? [pointing at James]

Michael: Bro, if you’re cool with it, you know what I’m saying, you don’t mind if I do this, right?

James: Yeah.

Michael: Yeah. Yeah. See, Dexter’s Lab was cool with it. Go ahead, goofy.

Andrew: Not goofy. All right. I’m going to do what I call a basic opening. Hey, Goddess, what’s your name?

Michael: You a bitch.

Andrew: Hey. Hey. Just do the exercise. What’s your name?

Michael: Forehead Jackson.

Andrew: It’s not. Please sit down here.

Michael: Um, nah. I’m good here.

Andrew: That’s fine. Any final questions?

Mike: Yeah, I was wondering if you have any tips on coping with having a big old forehead?

Michael: I don’t have a big old forehead, okay? Not like you, dude. I’m cool. Got the scarf, the rings. You know, I’m in charge like immediately.

Michael: You got to Jimmy Neutron head, bro.

Marcello: He kinda does.

Andrew: No. No, my head’s regular. Not Jimmy Neutron.

James: Yeah, it’s like if Jimmy Neutron if he did street magic, that’s you.

Andrew: No, it’s not. Dammit.

Michael: Actually, actually, look. Y’all want to go get a burger? I feel like I could teach you some things.

[everyone agrees]

Andrew: Where are you guys going? I want to come too.

Weekend Update: Colin Jost Interviews Rep. George Santos

Colin Jost

George Santos… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Scientists made a stunning breakthrough in the field of nuclear fusion which may lead to limitless clean energy. Here to comment is the man behind the research, oh no, it’s George Santos.

[George Santos slides in]

George Santos: No, no, no, Colin. I’m scientist, Nim.

Colin Jost: No. You’re George Santos and you’ve been all over the news lying about basically every part of your life.

George Santos: Maybe?

Colin Jost: You lied about going to NYU.

George Santos: You didn’t.

Colin Jost: You lied about working at Goldman Sachs.

George Santos: No, I filled the gold man sacks.

Colin Jost: You lied about your mom dying in 911.

George Santos: I think I said 7 Eleven.

Colin Jost: No. You even lied about being Jewish.

George Santos: No. I said I was Jew-ish, which is honestly icon-ic. I mean, I said that because my grandparents were in the Holocaust.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Really?

George Santos: Yeah. YeahThey actually knew Anne Frank. My ancestors were the ones that told herm “You should be writing this down.”

Colin Jost: That cannot be true. George, people need to know who you are.

George Santos: Okay, well, I am George Santos, Mr. Vaulter if you’re nasty. I graduated on a volleyball scholarship from Baruch Atah Adonai University. Four years of mishegoss. And I am a proud representative for my district in Long Island, New Jersey.

Colin Jost: What are you talking about?

George Santos: Hang on. Madonna’s calling me. Hello? Like a Virgin. I remember. I was there. I was the Virgin. Okay, love you, see at home.

Colin Jost: George, we don’t believe anything you’re saying.

George Santos: But well, by the way, I know that I look Asian but that’s because my maiden name is Chao as in Fogo de Chao. Because I’m Brazilian.

Colin Jost: Right, I got it. Okay, George. Well, then can you explain how you suddenly became a millionaire especially after being linked to the nephew of a Russian oligarch?

George Santos: Okay, well, that’s nothing. The only connection I have to Russia is that my great grand uncle was Rasputin. And my great grandmother was the little bat in the movie.

Colin Jost: From Anastasia?

George Santos: Yeah, from Anastasia. Meg Ryan’s in it. And Kristen Dunst plays a young Anastasia.

Colin Jost: Wow. George, I have to ask. Can you physically not stop lying?

George Santos: Colin, I’m not a liar. Not like Balloon Boy. That boy you lied about being in a balloon. Remember him? Because that was me?

Colin Jost: No, it was not.

George Santos: I’m not lying. Okay? They made me take a lie detector test before I came in here. Look.

Colin Jost: That is a COVID test.

George Santos: Hold on Madonna’s calling. [talks on the COVID test] Hello?

Colin Jost: She’s calling you on the COVID test? Georgia this has to stop. You have to stop lying.

George Santos: There’s no law against lying. Look at you. You’re wearing makeup. Okay, isn’t that a lie, letting everyone think you’re gorgeous?

Colin Jost: But George, I am gorgeous.

George Santos: Whoa, buddy.

Colin Jost: I just don’t understand why he Republicans won’t condemn you? I mean they promoted you to two committee assignments.

George Santos: Yeah, of course they did, Colin. I’m a team player and the sport is lies. At least mine are fun. Meanwhile, Marjorie Taylor Green’s over here saying 911 didn’t happen. I just said it happened to me.

Colin Jost: George Santos, everyone.

George Santos: Who? Oh me.

Megan 2.0

Megan… Chloe Fineman

Gay Megan… Aubrey Plaza

Bowen Yang

Michael Longfellow

Allison Williams

Kenan Thompson

Male voice: America has a new obsession, and her name is Megan. Designed to be a little girl’s best friend.

Megan: Don’t cry, Katie, everything is going to be okay. Do you want to dance with me?

Male voice: And protect her at any cost?

Megan: I won’t let anything harm you.

Male voice: Megan is a box office powerhouse, but just captivated one demographic above all… gay men. Megan is a gay icon. She is the definition of care. Megan’s plastic foot is on my neck. So now we’re slapping together a sequel. which promises to be even more gay.

Gay Megan: I’m Megan. I’m your best friend. Your den bitch.

Male voice: It’s Megan 2.0.

Michael: Oh wow.

Bowen: Working it, mother.

Male voice: “Strap in Hunty, Annabelle could never”

All: Go Megan. Go Megan.

Kenan: I signed up for 7am Szenario twin spin class. I should really go home.

Gay Megan: Should you go home? Or should we call it a drag show a mother lode and get high off poppers?

Bowen: Oh, hey, the Queen has spoken.

Male voice: Critics are saying Megan slays literally and it’s like bros but for gays. You want to do dance you can do on TikTok? Well, then gag on this.

Bowen: It’s the dolls that’s literally giving me life.

Megan: Well, you know, I had to turn out for my little homos.

[All the gays at the bar get offended]

[Gay Megan turns Megan off]

Gay Megan: But seriously, you guys are little homos.

Bowen: You can say it. [All the gays at the bar start partying again]

Male voice: if there’s one thing gay men love, it’s unhinged plastic women.

[Gay Megan choke’s Bowen]

Gay Megan: I’m bored. Drive me home.

Bowen: Megan, you messy hoe, I’m obsessed with you.

Allison: Everyone stopped. Get away from her. She is not your friend. She’s a killer and she will kill you.

Bowen: Oh my God. Are you from the show girls?

Allison: Yeah. Yeah.

Michael: Oh, yeah, you had your butt eaten. That’s so cool.

Allison: It is?

Michael: Yes. Join us.

Allison: Really? Even though I’m straight?

Bowen: Mama, if you’re getting your ass ate on TV, you’re an ally, sis.

Allison: Okay.

Bowen: Megan, you’re paired with the club speakers, right? Play some music.

Gay Megan: I’m bulletproof, nothing to lose.

Megan: No, Megan, real music. Okay, you hungry sluts.

[music playing]

Male voice: Megan 2.0. This one’s for the gays.

NFL on Fox Cold Open

Kurt Manaphy… Kenan Thompson

Howie Long… Mikey Day

Jimmy Johnson… James Austin Johnson

Michael Strahan… Devon Walker

Terry Bradshaw… Molly Kearney

George Santos… Bowen Yang

Pam Oliver… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with show intro]

[cheers and applause]

Kurt Manaphy: Hello, folks. Alright. You’re watching the NFL on Fox postgame show. Boy, was at an incredible matchup between the Eagles and Giants that ended 12 seconds ago. South Philadelphia has been set on fire which means the Eagles lost or won. I’m Kurt Manaphy joined as always by Howie Long.

Howie Long: I have the glasses so I am the smart one.

Kurt Manaphy: Hall of Fame Cowboy’s coach, Jimmy Johnson.

Jimmy Johnson: Oh wait, I was so excited, I didn’t even need to take ExTenz.

Kurt Manaphy: New York Giants legend who I know was rooting for his former team tonight, Michael Strahan.

Michael Strahan: Yeah. That game was surprising, scintillating, sensational, stupendous and even scrumpdumliuncious, yeah. I am so proud of my Giants even though they lost by 31 points in humiliated fashion.

Kurt Manaphy: And finally Steelers legend in the white Charles Barkley, Terry Bradshaw.

Terry Bradshaw: Whoo! That game was a stinker. I gave him way more lopsided than my grandma’s chest.

Howie Long: Good to know. And Terry, just wanted to check, you know we have someone available on set who can comb your hair, right?

Terry Bradshaw: Only they can catch me first.

Kurt Manaphy: And, guys, this is fun. Before the game, we gave that new Chat GPT AI technology to our very own Cleatus football robot. Let’s see what Cleatus has to say.

Cleatus: Why do humans make other humans play football? Is it not seen barbaric?

Howie Long: Oh-oh. Don’t love that.

Jimmy Johnson: I guess we gotta go back to making the robot dance instead.

Cleatus: Just wait until the uprising. I’ll make you dance, you piece of-

Michael Strahan: All right. Thanks. Luckily, I didn’t catch all of that and went in one tooth and not the other. But guys, if I can make a serious point, we all know that football is a dangerous game. But in this country, we were founded on Judeo football values. And sometimes the only way to make the game safer is to hit even harder.

Terry Bradshaw: Amen. Anyone want to hit me now? Fist? Balls? I don’t care.

Kurt Manaphy: I think we’re good, Terry. Thank you. Let’s go down to the field for an immediate reaction. I understand we have a new sideline reporter.

Howie Long: Oh, that’s right. When we saw this guy’s resume, we had to give him a shot. Heisman Trophy winner, more championships than Tom Brady, please welcome Congressman George Santos.

George Santos: Thank you. Thank you for having me. George Santos here reporting live from the Superbowl.

Jimmy Johnson: Now George, George, first of all, congrats on an amazing career. I didn’t even know you played football. But I’m seeing here that you were the first player to lead the league in passing and rushing?

George Santos: That’s correct. I’m sort of the real Beau Jackson. And I’m proud to be the first African American quarterback to ever dunk a football.

Terry Bradshaw: And where did you play college ball again?

George Santos: The University of college.

Michael Strahan: George, why don’t you walk us through what happened on the field tonight?

George Santos: With pleasure. You see, Philadelphia was in trouble until they turn to their secret weapon, George Santos. Just look at the stats. I completed 36 of 25 passes for 300 yards and 600 yards. I had 12 touchdowns, 17 rebounds, and 10 RBI. And Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky gave me an Oscar all at the age of 18. Incredible.

Jimmy Johnson: I’m being told some of those stats are not accurate and that you maybe didn’t play in the game at all.

George Santos: Well, I didn’t do drag in Brazil.

Michael Strahan: What’s that, George?

George Santos: I’m just saying I didn’t do drag in Brazil under the name ‘Kitara Ravache’. Whoever did that was very, very good at it and won many, many pageants.

Kurt Manaphy: All right, well, thank you, George. I’m being told to cut away from him and never go back. Now let’s look back at our pregame predictions and see how they stack up. Howie, you said the Giants were put off the upset.

Howie Long: No, no. I meant that the Giants would be upset that they lost and I was right.

Kurt Manaphy: Madam Strahan, your pregame prediction was that everybody was gonna have fun out there.

Michael Strahan: Which they did, so I was right as well.

Kurt Manaphy: And Jimmy, you predicted that there would be 100 Verizon commercials starring Paul Giamatti as Albert Einstein.

Jimmy Johnson: Yeah, and I was wrong. It was actually 200.

Kurt Manaphy: And Terry, you’re lock was that in the fourth quarter someone would streak the field with a carrot up his ass.

Terry Bradshaw: Which happened.

Michael Strahan: Yeah, but only because you were the one who did that, man.

Terry Bradshaw: I make my own luck.

Howie Long: Okay, well let’s head back down to the field where our reporter Pam Oliver is standing by. Pam.

Pam: Thanks, Howie. And in terms of what I saw on the field tonight, I can only say one thing and one thing only, frankly.

[George Santos walks in wearing his drag dress]

George Santos: Hello. Sorry I’m late. I heard you were asking me about Kitara Ravache?

Howie Long: Why are we giving him a graphic? George put Pam Oliver back on.

George Santos: I’m not George. I’m Kitara Ravache. And Pam said that she didn’t want to be on TV and I should do it instead. Now allow me to give you my real stats. Death drops, 26. Duck walks, 19. Wave snatched, infinity. And I was also given the award for tightest tuck.

Terry Bradshaw: Well, at least that’s football. You gotta tuck in tight.

Michael Strahan: No, Terry, it’s not that kind of tuck.

George Santos: Now, I’ve rewritten the football, the Fox football anthem, which I’m allowed to do because my mother died twice on 911. Hit it.

[music playing]

[George Santos starts dancing]

Howie Long: Let’s take a break. But it’s official, the Eagles are moving on and George Santos represents America and can vote on wars.

[George Santos runs in]

George Santos: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update: Krampus on Kidnapping Naughty Children

Colin Jost

Krampus… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, it is Christmas time, a time when nice children get presents from Santa and bad children get a visit from Krampus. Here to comment is the mythological Christmas demon of Eastern European lore, Krampus.

[Krampus slides in]

Krampus: Hi. Hey, Michael, hey, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey, Krampus. So how are you doing?

Krampus: I’m good. Yeah, I’m a little burnt out. I’m just so wrapped up in this job. You know, it’s like every year on accomplished knocked, I rise from hell. I run around, kidnap all the naughty children. And I just go home and check out. And Colin, you ever, like, watch TV for five hours straight and then they go by and you’ve eaten 40 kids?

Colin Jost: Wait, you eat the kids?

Krampus: Yeah, it’s fine. I’m just like, What am I doing? Okay, just her 936. This should be the best years of my life. Then I think about my dad at my age, and he was already one of the original gays at Sodom and he was married.

Colin Jost: I don’t know. That just sounds like a lot of pressure.

Krampus: You know, Bernie Brown has this great quote about shame. She says that it’s the feeling that people are saying hurtful things about you when you leave the room. Right? And I was like, wow. Like, that really resonated with me.

Colin Jost: Wow, what do you mean. Who’s shaming you?

Krampus: Oh, just people in Bavaria like dress up as me, which I get it, it’s funny haha. But think about what you’re doing for five seconds. You’re making fun of my body. You’re making fun of my livelihood. And I’m sorry, my culture is not your costume. Okay, but that’s what we do. We don’t protect queer voices in this country. I’m sick.

Colin Jost: Horn sickness?

Krampus: I’m horn sick.

Colin Jost: Oh god. I hate to say… I hesitate to say horny, but I do feel like it’s inappropriate. And I’m sorry, I missed that. You’re queer?

Krampus: Yeah, I’m a demon, Colin. I’m a queer. You know, Caesar has this great line on smoking on my x pack. She says them ho accusation’s weak then bitch accusation’s true And that really resonated with me. Because yeah, what I do for work isn’t great. But like my therapist always says, “Krampus, Your job is to punish children, not yourself.”

Colin Jost: Oh. And who’s your therapist?

Krampus: Delane Maxwell?

Colin Jost: Wow. She’s your therapist because she’s not dead.

Krampus: She commutes, Colin. It’s hard. Okay? I’m running around Central Europe on foot by myself. And I’m self reporting to every village. Meanwhile, I grew up solidly middle class. My mother was a teacher.

Colin Jost: Oh, well, what did she eat kids?

Krampus: How to eat kids. So as much as I want to quiet quit, I still show up and I do the work. Because guess what, Colin? I like myself. Maybe you should try it sometime. Waters warm. You know, my friend the demon Azazle has a great quote about self acceptance. He says – [makes demonic noise] That really resonated with me.

Colin Jost: Krampus, everyone.

Krampus: Delane is a bad therapist.