Tag: episode 16

Bridesmaid Cult Documentary

Dr. Greg Lawrence… James Austin Johnson

Riley Dibiase Lowell… Heidi Gardner

Brittany Reynolds… Ego Nwodim

Naomi Daniels… Quinta Brunson

Josh Chan-Moy… Bowen Yang

Riley Dibiase… Sarah Sherman

Vanessa Cutchin… Punkie Johnson

Michelle… Molly Kearney

Riley Dibiase Lowell: It all started with a box on my doorstep.

Brittany Reynolds: And a note with a question.

Naomi Daniels: I just got this feeling that it wasn’t the kind of question you could say no to.

Riley Dibiase: Will you…

Vanessa Cutchin: Be my…

Riley Dibiase Lowell: Bridesmaid.

Male voice: From the people who brought you ‘Keep Sweet’, ‘Wild Wild Country’ and ‘the Nexium Documentary,’ comes a harrowing new cult story ‘I was a bridesmaid.’

Dr. Greg Lawrence: Each year more than 6 million women fall into this type of cut. They prey on vulnerable groups like college roommates and sisters in law.

Riley Dibiase Lowell: They sell you on the big day. I thought it was a one day commitment. But for 18 months, I was fully sucked in.

Brittany Reynolds: I mean, there was an email chain a group text, DMS, a whole last conversation in the comments on Venmo.

Naomi Daniels: That sent a 200 question poll about customized shirts. We ended up going with bride tribe.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: These cults also target another vulnerable group. -Outgoing gay men.

Josh Chan-Moy: I’ve been a bridesmaid at nine weddings this year. Whenever a girl starts calling me sis, I know I’m in trouble.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: The Bachelorette Party is the first major ritual. Almost always in Nashville.

Riley Dibiase: I tried to say I couldn’t afford to go because my student loans. The maid of honor texted back “No worries” with the sparkle emoji. I knew what that meant. I sold my car to make it happen.

Naomi Daniels: At first, I thought that the bride was in charge. But it was the woman under her, the maid of honor, Michelle.

Vanessa Cutchin: Michelle was a sociopath.

Michelle: Attention. First, we’re going to be getting up at 6am for a sunrise pole dancing fitness class. Then we’re going to be renting a nine person party bike. We’re going to be drinking, drinking, drinking.

Brittany Reynolds: You know what? I’m actually not feeling that good. So I might meet you guys later.

Chloe: That’s okay. [smiles at Brittany Reynolds, but then looks at Michelle looking disappointed]

Michelle: Hey, Brittany, can we talk for a sec?

[Michelle is having serious discussion with Brittany Reynolds]

Josh Chan-Moy: I don’t have many memories from the bachelorette trip. Because I was drugged by myself. I had no choice. These women were terrorizing every gay bar in town.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: As with all cults, there is a financial element.

Naomi Daniels: I spent $300 on a bridesmaid’s dress, the bride store I find other times to wear it. Like, where am I going that calls for a floor length light blue chiffon gown with a modest neckline? Nowhere.

Riley Dibiase: Then the bridal shower, more money, more gifts. There was all this penis stuff, sashes straws. Everyone acted like it was hilarious. I didn’t understand.

Dr. Greg Lawrence: The penis stuff is it’s very funny. I will say that.

Riley Dibiase Lowell: And finally it was time for the big day.

Riley Dibiase: I was separated from my boyfriend and given a new partner. The groom’s cousin Donny who was inexplicably 61.

Josh Chan-Moy: Final ritual was the most demeaning. We had to write and perform original lyrics to Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

[singing]

Naomi Daniels: And then, all of a sudden it was over. But I just got engaged. Don’t worry, I’m going to be such a chill bride.

Bosses

Murphy… Bowen Yang

Janet… Chloe Fineman

Reynold… Molly Kearney

Daniel… Sarah Sherman

Benson… Quinta Brunson

Heather… Heather Gardner

Murphy: So Janet, how’s your first month here been?

Janet: Oh, it’s been great. I’m so happy to be working here.

Reynold: Well, we’re lucky to have you.

Janet: But I don’t want to make this a big deal. I think Daniels has been kind of weird with me.

Murphy: Oh, Daniel is our top salesman, really? He’s always been cool to me.

Janet: You’re right. It’s probably nothing. Forget I said anything.

Daniel: Hey, Murphy. How’re ya? How are the kids?

Murphy: They’re good, Daniel. Just sent my eldest off to Penn State.

Daniel: oh gosh, that must be hard on the old bank account. [laughing] And Reynold, we’e hitting the links later on what, buddy?

Reynold: Five on the dot, Daniel.

Daniel: Looking forward to it. And Simmons, [suddenly starts acting weird] Big butt. Whoo! Setting off the penis alarm. [suddenly acting normal] And Murphy, you got that reported to me by Monday or what?

Murphy: Absolutely Daniel.

Daniel: Alright, that’s great. Oh and before I forget guys, we got a company wide Zoom meeting at six where I’ll be zooming in on those boobies. Computer enhance, engaging X ray vision. It said we have nipples. And Murphy, listen, that Turner file’s not gonna file itself, alright? See you guys.

Janet: You guys saw that, right?

Murphy: Saw what?

Janet: Daniels when he talks to me, he did like an impression of a sex computer.

Murphy: I thought he was just being goofy. But hey, I’m old school.

Reynold: You know, if you’re having a problem with him, you can always talk to Benson.

Janet: Benson? Really?

Murphy: Oh, yeah, totally. He’s been here forever. He just gets it out. Speak of the devil.

Benson: Well, lookie here, all of my favorite people?

Reynold: How are you?

Murphy: Benson?

Benson: Guys, I want to thank you again for showing up to my granddaughter’s food drive. It meant the world.

Reynold: Anything for you, Benson.

Benson: We fed 500 families in need because of you guys. I mean, Simmons. I know it meant the world to my granddaughter that you brought those.

Janet: Those what?

Benson: Well, those big old buttered yams. Ooh. What I would to jump off a diving board and cannonball and do that cleavage. Help! I’m drowning, but don’t save me. I want to die in there. All right, gang. If you need anything, anything at all, please just give me a call. I’d do anything for you guys. I’d even adopt those gorgeous two twins and raise them in a hotel like Zach and Cody. Alright, duty calls. I’ll catch you guys later.

Reynold: Love you, man.

Janet: Okay, you guys notice that right?

Reynold: I mean, I want to say yes so you don’t feel crazy, but I didn’t notice anything.

Janet: How?

Murphy: Oh, can we make something out of nothing today?

Janet: This is insane.

Heather: Janet. Hey, I’m Heather from HR. I heard you down the hall. And if anyone here has been making you uncomfortable, we will handle it right now in a company wide meeting.

Janet: Thank you.

Heather: But first we have a musical performance from the penis brothers.

[Benson and Daniel walk in dancing]

Daniel: Come on, ya’all.

Benson: This one goes out to our two favorite ladies.

Daniel: Simmons, ya’ll.

Murphy: Oh my god, the penis brothers!

Heather: The moment you’ve all been waiting for, the brothers bongo boob experience.

[Benson and Daniel are hitting on Janet’s breasts like they’re bongo]

Janet: How is that making that sound?

Daniel: Hey Murphy, you got that file for me or what?

Murphy: I do, Daniel. By the way, I got an email from corporate and you’re both fired.

Benson and Daniel: Makes sense.

Weekend Update Senator Marsha Blackburn on Judge Jacksons Confirmation Hearings

Colin Jost

Marsha Blackburn… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Several Republican senators were criticized for asking irrelevant sensational questions during the Supreme Court confirmation hearing of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson, here to comment is one of those senators, Marsha Blackburn.

[Marsha Blackburn slides in]

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, Colin. Wow. What a week.  All anyone is talking about are these confirmation hearings. Oh we crushed it. So many great smart questions. Are babies racist? Is murder bad? And those are real questions that my fellow Republicans asked an adult judge.

Colin Jost: Right, right. And what did you ask her?

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, I hit her with the coup de grâce? You ready for this? Define woman.

Colin Jost: Define woman?

Marsha Blackburn: Define woman. She couldn’t do it. I mean, hah?

Colin Jost: Well, kind of have a nuanced complicated question.

Marsha Blackburn: Complicated how?

Colin Jost: Well okay, how do you define woman?

Marsha Blackburn: Are you jerking my perm? You honestly don’t know? Colin, It’s simple. It’s biology, Colin, okay? It’s your private parts. But the ones you have when you’re born, but just the bottom private parts because the top ones can like– Or not. You know what? Okay, I’m gonna do– It’s your period. Got to have your period. Unless you’re old or young or pregnant or stressed out or doing gymnastics. No, you know what? Scratch that. I’m going back to baby privates. Final answer.

Colin Jost: Baby privates.

Marsha Blackburn: Colin, it’s not just biology. Okay. Woman is cheerleader, nurse, teacher, prostitute. Come on, you’ve seen them. They’re always cold, they’re the ones that be shopping.

Colin Jost: I really don’t know what you’re talking about.

Marsha Blackburn: Colin, yes, you do. You know woman is like, “Ah, ah, ah”, and man is like, “Oh, oh, oh.”

Colin Jost: Oh my god. You are not making any sense.

Marsha Blackburn: You are just not getting it. Let me show you. Oh, yes. Don’t we love these big stupid dumb ass boards? [pulls in a board] These big stupid dumbass pictures. Okay, come on. Look how simple it is. The color pink. The ones would be have hair does in the far side. Longer thinner cigarettes. They’re having fun dancing around in a commercial for underwear you can pee in. Did you get it, yet?

Colin Jost: I think I get it less.

Marsha Blackburn: Okay, well.

Colin Jost: Why is defining woman even relevant to a confirmation hearing?

Marsha Blackburn: Are you kidding? It is the most important thing for a Supreme Court justice. Because if you don’t know what a woman is, how the hell you’re gonna take her rights away? Can I get an Amen?

Colin Jost: No. Marsha Blackburn everyone.

Weekend Update Putin Misinformed by Advisers Will Smith Resigns from Academy

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]

Intelligence officials are saying that Vladimir Putin is being misinformed by his advisers about how badly the Russian military is performing in Ukraine, which is kind of like Will Smith agent telling him “You crushed it at the Oscars.” Will Smith, for those of you who don’t know, walked on stage during the Academy Awards and slapped Chris Rock after he made a joke about Jada Pinkett Smith, which I think was a disgraceful act that sets a terrible precedent for having to defend your wife at award shows.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’ a picture of Will Smith at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During his acceptance speech, Will Smith said “Love will make you do crazy things.” You know it also makes you do crazy things? Crazy. But I understand where Will’s coming from. I mean, you can’t expect him to sit there and watch another man jump all over his wife without signing an NDA.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Will Smith at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, Will Smith resigned from the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. He wasn’t going to but then Jada gave him that look. If Will Smith had been expelled, he would have joined a small group of people kicked out of the academy, including Bill Cosby, Roman Polanski and Harvey Weinstein. Or as they’re also known, Bad Boys For Life. [Picture changes to a fake movie poster featuring them all]

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith and Chris Rock at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Also, can we stop pretending everybody knew Jada had alopecia? I mean, as much as we heard about Jada and Will’s personal lives, you can’t expect this to retain everything. It’s like Kanye saying, “Don’t act I know I had psoriasis.” Just selfishly, as a comedian, I’m tired of people putting their own insecurities on our joke intentions. I mean, I can’t make a joke about it being cold outside without somebody yelling back “Stop making fun of my small penis. Keep my small penis… out your mouth.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Rock at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I also really love that the reason they let Will Smith stay in the audience was that they asked Chris Rock and he said it was okay. So now, we just asked the victim right after they get hit in the head? “Hey, you cool if the guy who just attacked you hangs around for a while? You don’t want to make a man again!” I can’t believe the Academy has a worst concussion protocol than the NFL. And honestly, I can’t even blame the Academy for not knowing what to do. Nobody knew what to do. Even people at the Oscars were googling, “Did Will Smith just slap Chris Rock?” I think we should just acknowledge that that was one of the craziest things we will ever see in our lives. It’s truly like the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction ,but if Janet’s nipple slapped Timberlake.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith and Chris Rock at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Not to mention, Chris Rock has been very public about his nonverbal learning disorder, which means it’s hard for him to understand nonverbal signals, sort of like how when he saw an angry Will Smith charging towards him and instead of moving out of the way, he put both his hands behind his back smiled and said, “Oh-Oh!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Madison Cawthorn at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And in non Oscars news, Republican Congressman Madison Cawthorn, who’s the one on the right, said in a recent interview that 70 Old Republicans invited him to an orgy and did cocaine in front of him. Wait, so you went to the old man orgy? And you thought the weird part was drugs?

[Picture changes to Lindsey Graham]

Senator Lindsey Graham seen here picturing the orgy Madison Cawthorn said that Ketanji Brown Jackson is a person of exceptionally good character but he would not support her for the Supreme Court. So like many southern gentleman, he’s comfortable with black folks until they try to move in next door.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at right top corer.]

Michael Che: US officials are concerned that Vladimir Putin is keeping military units positioned near Kyiv despite earlier promises to withdraw. Putin’s failure to pull out has earned him the nickname Nick Cannon.

Weekend Update OJ Simpson on Will Smiths Oscars Slap

Michael Che

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week’s altercation between Will Smith and Chris Rock at the Oscars seem to have divided Hollywood with many celebrities publicly taking sides. Here the comment is, and he wrote his own intro, Heisman Trophy winner and star of Naked Gun, OJ Simpson.

[OJ Simpson slides in]

OJ Simpson: Hey. SNL, wow. Always good to hear applause for OJ.

Michael Che: Alright, OJ, so who’s side are you on? Chris Rock or Will Smith?

OJ Simpson: Oh, now Michael, you know me. I hate conflict.

Michael Che: No.

OJ Simpson: They both seem like the guys, but honestly, I don’t even understand Chris Rock’s joke. I mean, what the hell is GI Jane?

Michael Che: Oh, it’s just a movie from the 90s.

OJ Simpson: The 90s? Oh, I don’t remember nothing from the 90s. Yeah, that whole decade is my N word. Anywho! In my humble opinion, Will Smith maybe overreacted by slapping Chris Rock? I mean, Will, I don’t want to say that you got rage issues, but hey, if the glove fits. I’m just saying.

Michael Che: Okay, so you’re Chris Rock’s side?

OJ Simpson: No, I ain’t say all that, Michael. I mean, Chris ain’t exactly innocent neither. Nobody likes to be made fun of. I mean, you might be too young to remember. But people used to make a lot of mean jokes about me.

Michael Che: Really? About what?

OJ Simpson: All kinds of stuff. The point is, sometimes jokes go too far. Especially when it’s about a man’s family. Because like Will Smith said in his speech, love will make you do crazy things… allegedly.

Michael Che: Great, so you’re on Will Smith’s side.

OJ Simpson: I already said, I’m not on anybody’s side, Michael! [yelling] Don’t you be accusing me again!

Michael Che: Alright! I ain’t accusing you, man.

OJ Simpson: [looks at the camera and smiles.] So, my love is a little bit there. Just you know, whenever people accuse me and stuff, it makes me just want to– Anywho! I just want to give them brother some advice. You know, whenever you feel anger bubbling up inside, instead of reacting, just do what I do. Take a nice long drive or maybe let a friend drive you around so you can lay down in the back and call the news stations.

Michael Che: You know, OJ, some people are saying the academy should take away Will Smith’s trophy.

OJ Simpson: [yelling] You ain’t taking my trophies, alright?

Michael Che: Relax, man. Calm down.

OJ Simpson: [looks at the camera and smiles.] Sorry about that, Michael. Hey, can I make a big confession that’s been a long time coming?

Michael Che: Yes, please.

OJ Simpson: I ain’t watch them Oscars.

Michael Che: OJ Simpson, every body.

OJ Simpson: I’m just saying, man.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update First Amazon Union Formed Jen Psaki to Leave White House

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jen Psaki at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Press Secretary Jen Psaki is reportedly leaving the White House this spring to join MSNBC. Damn she’s still at work and already has her next job lined up? That’s as crazy as some of the sketches on season 2 of “That Damn Michael Che”, this summer on HBO Max.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Staten Island and Amazon logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Workers at the Amazon warehouse in Staten Island voted to become the first Amazon workers in the country to form a union. The union explains Amazon’s new slogan, “It’d be a real shame if something happened to your package.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Men who eat meat more likely to be infertile” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, men who eat too much meat are raising the risk of becoming infertile. On the other hand, this dude has five kids that we know of. [Picture chages to Donald Trump]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of “The Daily Wire” logo at left top corner.]

The conservative media organization The Daily Wire said they’ll spend $100 million to create children’s programming to counter woke media companies. Programs will include

Colin Jost: “Clifford the Big straight dog”, “Encanto but an English”, and “One Fish, Two Fish, that’s how many fish genders there are”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Escaped flamingo found 17 years later” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wildlife officials say that a flamingo that escaped from a Kansas zoo Colin Jost7 years ago has been spotted in Texas, or and hear me out, flamingos look like of the flamingos.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wildlife officials in Tennessee have captured a 500 pound black bear living on a college campus. A black bear that, let’s face it, took the spot of more deserving white and Asian bears. [picture changes to polar bear and a panda]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tyler Perry at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a recent interview, Tyler Perry revealed that he has used his Medea voice while having sex. Damn, dude must like sex drives hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that in the past Michael Che0 years, pre diabetes and children has more than doubled. Thanks largely to the popularity of Mountain Dew breast milk blast.

Story

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Bradford… Kyle Mooney

Brian… Jerrod Carmichael

[Starts with three adults talking at a restaurant]

Heidi: Anyway, his name is Adnan Siadh. And the podcast is like, about whether he did it or not.

Ego: Wow, that is insanely cool. And Bradford, Katie was saying this is your first time in New York?

Bradford: Yeah, it’s been really awesome. City’s like, really interesting.

Heidi: Yeah. You know, just trying to show my favorite cousin what the Big Apple is all about.

[Brian walks in]

Brian: Hey, guys, sorry, I’m late.

Ego: Oh, Brian!

Heidi: Brian, this is my cousin Bradford.

Brian: Oh, nice to meet you. Guys, I had the craziest morning.

Ego: Oh my god. Oh my god, what?

Heidi: Tell us. Brian’s our college friend. He has like the best stories.

Bradford: Okay. That’s amazing.

Brian: Okay, bear with me. So I’m having coffee with my boss, Anthony.

Bradford: Oh, wow. Okay. [starts to giggle]

Brian: Right. I mean, we do that a lot. But yeah, we’re at the French spot by the office.

Bradford: Oh, here we go. French. Great. [starts to giggle]

Brian: Yeah. Just a cool cafe we go to every couple of weeks.

Bradford: Right, right, right.

Brian: Anyway, the waiter comes up to us. And he’s like, “Hey, we made this extra cheese crate. You guys want it?”

Bradford: Oh, no. I think I see where this is going. This is– Please, please, please.

Brian: Sorry. Just let me– I’m just gonna finish the story real quick.

Bradford: Yeah, of course.
Brian: So we accept the crate. Why not? I put my fork and–

Bradford: I got like, a mental picture right now. This is amazing.

Heidi: Bradford, come on.

Brian: Turns out it’s triple chocolate. Keep in mind, it’s a lemonade. Yep.

Bradford: Oh my God, because I thought it was later. No!

Brian: Yeah, like, dude said it was cheese. What’s going on here?

Bradford: It’s the French waiter. He was like, high on dope or something?

Brian: What? No, I’m getting to it.

Bradford: Yeah, right. By the way. So New York!

Brian: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I look over who’s sitting at the bar with a slight grin on his face?

Bradford: The French waiter.

Brian: No.

Bradford: Obama?

Brian: What? No.

Ego: Okay, wait, wait, don’t tell me it was Frank.

Brian: It was Frank.

Heidi: Oh my god, Frank. That is hilarious.

Bradford: Frank? [laughing] Wait, who’s Frank?

Brian: He’s a bit of a prankster.

Bradford: Wow, that’s. I’ve never heard anything like that.

Brian: Yeah, it’s kind of funny, right? Anyway, how are you guys? How was Mexico?

Ego: Oh my God, it was so fun.

Bradford: Wait, wait, wait. So then what happened?

Brian: What do you mean?

Bradford: Does your boss just wigged out, he’s like, knocking over the table like, “Ah! Everyone’s fired”?

Brian: Nope. It’s pretty much the end of the story, man.

Bradford: Oh, but the French waiter was high on dope, right?

Ego: What? High on dope?

Brian: No, no, everything was normal. It was just a dumb story. Can we talk about something else?

Bradford: Oh, sorry. I thought the French waiter was high on dope the whole time. Still amazing.

Brian: The place was French. Not the waiter. I never said the waiter was French.

Bradford: Oh, sorry.

Brian: It’s fine. Anyway, you said Mexico was good.

Ego: Yes. So good. Turns out yoga retreats are relaxing. Who knew?

Bradford: Didn’t mean to call the waiter French. My bad. Sorry, again.

Brian: All good, dude. Let’s just drop it. We’re moving off.

Heidi: Well, Bradford had a great time at the MET. It was so cool, right?

Bradford: I really did love the story, man.

Brian: Thanks. I appreciate that.

Bradford: What was the name of the crazy boss again? Was it Anderson?

Brian: It was Anthony. But we don’t need to talk about it anymore. Really?

Bradford: Anthony? It’s just like the perfect name for it. Really sorry if I screwed up the story.

Heidi: Bradford, it’s fine.

Bradford: No, it’s actually not. [emotional music playing] Brian, your story was amazing. It had great characters, and the part where the crepe isn’t cheese was unbelievable. And then I mess the whole thing up. I don’t deserve to be your friend.

Brian: Dude we just met. Honestly, it’s fine.

Bradford: No, it’s not. Lunch is on me. And I want to pay your rent for the rest of the year too.

Brian: That’s super generous man.

Bradford: Here’s a check for $Heidi,000. That ought to do it.

Brian: That’s not even enough for one month’s rent.

Bradford: Oh, okay. Didn’t know. Well, see ya’.

[Bradford messes up everything on the table while standing, and then runs out]

Short Ass Movies

Pete Davidson

Gunna

Chris Redd

Simon Rex

[Starts with Pete Davidson browsing movies on his TV]

Pete: These days, when I wanna sit down to watch a movie, I can find just about anything in the world. But night after night, there’s only one kinda movie I’m always looking for.

[rapping] And that’s a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Like, at most, an hour-forty
Gimme that short-ass movie

Gunna: A short-ass movie
A really short movie
‘Cause you know I ain’t gon’ sit here
And watch no long-ass movie

Pete: Found a flick, I’m ’bout to pick it
But right before I click it
I look down right below the line
And that’s when I see the runtime
Three hours forty-seven minutes?
Bro, you must be crazy
No thanks, I’mma watch a short-ass movie
like Driving Miss Daisy

Gunna: I’m not pushin’ “P” unless it’s under two hours
Like Lion King or Bad Moms or all three Austin Powers

Pete: I heard that Batman was great, so went to a theater and saw it
I pissed my pants twice, that s— was longer than The Hobbit

Gimme that short-ass movie
A 90-minute movie

Gunna: Like Liar Liar, Evil Dead,
Punch-Drunk Love, or Eraserhead

Pete: A short-ass movie
A really short movie
‘Cause I’m a simple man
With no attention span

Chris: Gimme a short-ass movie like Bambi
Got to be tiny but good like shrimp scampi

Pete: And when it’s movie night, you won’t be gettin’ any yesses
If you roll up to the crib with one of them double VHSs

Gunna: Why this movie look like a book?

[Pete Davidson throws out the movie]
Pete: Bye bye!

Gunna: I always keep it a hundred
Keep the runtime under a hundred

Chris: If my ass stuck on the couch for more than two hours
It cause me discomfort

Pete: We tried to watch the movie Heat
When we was hanging at my house
But barely 20 minutes in
My boys were drooling on the couch

The only one not sleeping is the weird guy who picked the movie

James: [watching the movie] I stand by my choice.

Pete: Gimme that short-ass movie
A really short movie
Like Encino Man, yes please
Or Good Time by the Safdies
A short- ass movie
A really short movie
If it’s long, my eyes get glassy
Now tell ’em how it is, Dirt Nasty

Simon Rex: Yo, it’s your boy Dirt
If you really like short movies
I got nine great ones just waitin’ for ya
There’s Ernest Goes to Camp and Ernest Saves Christmas
And Ernest Goes to Jail and Ernest Scared Stupid
There’s Ernest Goes to School, that’s only 89 minutes
And Slam Dunk Ernest

Pete: That one’s got Kareem in it

Simon Rex: There’s Ernest in the Army, made me wanna join the service
And Ernest Goes to Africa

Pete: That poster makes me nervous

Simon Rex: But the greatest thing of all, a true thing of beauty
Is the three minute short before every Pixar movie
[Everyone sobbing]
Chris: It was so short but so sad.

Pete: Yo, so think about this: Sex and the City 2 was two hours and 26 minutes long. To put that in perspective, the movie Jurassic Park was two hours and seven minutes long. That was a movie that told the history of dinosaurs, how DNA works, and explained the science of bringing dinosaurs back to life. And Sex and the City 2 , y’know, which was a movie about four women we already knew, was 20 minutes longer. I’m not saying that’s bad or anything, I’m just saying that’s crazy s—, right?

Simon Rex: How long was “The King of Staten Island”?

Pete: Oh. It was, it was, like, two hours and 17 minutes, but we needed, we needed all those minutes.

All: Gimme a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Gimme a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Every night

Shop TV

Dot… Cecily Strong

Rhett… Mikey Day

Thomas Parker-Nubbs… Alex Moffat

Kevin Lickitt… Jerrod Carmichael

[Starts with Dot and Rhett in their set]

Dot: Hello, hello, ShopTV home shoppers. Dot and Rhett back live with y’all.

Rhett: Dot and Rhett? I think Rhett and Dot sounds better.

Dot: Are you gonna  be a pill all hour?

Rhett: Maybe.

Dot: Okay, well, it’s 5pm which means it’s time for a squeal deals. [scary squeal sound] O’Dale! We asked y’all to find a new squeal sound effect weeks ago!

Rhett: Yeah, sounds like someone’s getting killed O’Dale.

Dot: Chillin, O’Dale!

Rhett: Need something light? Okay. Later in the hour. We love him. Here, Thomas Parker-Nubbs will unveil his new line of Christian lunchboxes.

[Cut to Thomas Parker-Nubbs]

Thomas Parker-Nubbs: The artwork features Jesus do and modern young person things. Oh, well, look at that. Is that Jesus got one of those Oculus VR do-dads?

Dot: Oh, kids are gonna flip.

[Cut back to Dot and Rhett. Now, Kevin Lickitt is with them with a doll.]

Rhett: Yeah, well, speaking of kids, our first squeal deal today is an adorable doll.

Dot: Was she gorgeous? And we have the designer here, Mr. Kevin. Now is it Lickitt?

Kevin Lickitt: Yes sir. My mamma always said we was named Lickitt because we so sweet.

Rhett: Aw, that’s adorable. Kind of made me sad though for some reason. I don’t know why. Now, tell us about this pretty lady here.

Kevin Lickitt: Oh no, this is Riley Rainbowlocks.

Dot: Get out. What a clever name.

Kevin Lickitt: Student by day and magical Popstar by night.

Dot: Oh, I love that.

Rhett: Perfect role model for little girls.

Dot: Or little boys. We’ll get in trouble if we don’t say that.

Kevin Lickitt: And here’s the best part. Your child can cut and style rallies rainbow locks however they wish. And when they want to give her a new-do, you just turn this little knob here in the back and our hair grows.

Rhett: Oh, wow.

Dot: Get out of town, that’s amazing.

Rhett: Now you can get this pretty lady for just $34.99.

Dot: Order within the hour and you get an additional outfit and two extra hair spools for free.

Rhett: Looks like shoppers are already scooping her up. Let’s go to the ShopTV phone lines. Hi caller.

Caller: Oh, my niece is going to love this doll. What extra outfit does she come with?

Kevin Lickitt: I’ll show you. By the way, Riley’s very easy to change. It’s all Velcro. Watch this here.

Rhett: Let’s change.

[Kevin Lickitt pulls out the doll’s dress. Her pubic part is also covered with rainbow hair.]

Caller: The hell! Why does that doll have a rainbow bush?

Kevin Lickitt: Oh no, no, no, no, that’s not a bush.

Caller: It sure looks like one to me. That’s a 1970s rainbow bush.

Kevin Lickitt: It’s not. That’s the end of the head spool inside through it. So you can see the span. It’s an anchor point. Any doll maker would know that.

Caller: Well, I’m not a doll maker so what I see is a thick ass vagi-afro. I will be canceling my order. Goodbye.

Kevin Lickitt: I didn’t make a vagi-afro.

Rhett: Y’all don’t need to keep saying that. Don’t keep saying vagi-afro.

Kevin Lickitt: You need it so the spool spins and the hair on the head will grow. It’s doll making Dot0Dot.

Rhett: Okay. Well, if you’re just joining us, this is not private hair.

Dot: It anchors the spool inside.

Rhett: Okay. O’Dale, we got a product image? Yeah, there you go. Throw that up while we put Riley’s outfit on.

Dot: You get Riley rainbow blocks for the ShopTV exclusive price of just $34.99.

Kevin Lickitt: And look who’s all dressed up and ready to hit the beach. [The doll is wearing a swimsuit, and the rainbow hair at pubic part is still showing] Riley is ready for summer with this retro one piece swimsuit.

Dot: You know what?

Rhett: Kevin, I’m gonna try and stick in some of this business.

Dot: No, do not do that. Stop it.

Rhett: It’s sticking in.

Dot: I know. But a grown man poking his fingers around the area.

Rhett: Well, he said the doll’s in college. It doesn’t matter.

Dot: It don’t matter she’s in college. You know what? Come on. Let’s cut away from this close, O’Dale! Well, okay. Let’s talk to some people who ordered a Riley Rainbowlocks.

Rhett: Caller, you’re on ShopTV.

Caller: This is a collect call from a federal corrections facility. Press one to accept this call from the Palmdale pervert.

Rhett: Hang up, O’Dale.

Dot: No, thank you. No, we do not accept that call.

Rhett: It is an icky icky call. In fact you know what? I’m gonna go ahead and put the other Riley we got here. Back up one with clothes on. Now Kevin, tell us what happens if rally runs out of hair from the spool inside. Can it be replaced?

Kevin Lickitt: Oh, it sure can. It’s very easy. Sometimes part replacement can be a little hairy.

Dot: Okay, look at you making little jokes.

Kevin Lickitt: Yeah. So you just push the quick release button here on the back to access it. [he bends over the doll and shows the hair on the doll’s butt.]

Rhett: Okay, now that’s kind of a yucky place to go to.

Kevin Lickitt: Yeah, it had to go here because it has to connect to the panel. Any doll maker would know that.

Dot: You keep saying that as if we’re all doll makers but we’re not, sweetie. You’re finished in there?

Kevin Lickitt: Sorry, the button’s stuck. Sometimes you just gotta wiggle it.

Rhett: Oh, pretty face is facing the camera. Let’s check those sale numbers. Item sold. [units sold has crossed fivethousand.] Oh my god. These are selling like hotcakes right now.

Kevin Lickitt: Sometimes it helps if you release the latch and pull the head at the same time.

Dot: No, no, no.

Rhett: Why would you? We can’t show that!

Dot: Oh no. We’re moving on.

Rhett: Come on, man.

Dot: After the break our next ShopTV squeal deal. [girl scream squeal sound]

Rhett: That’s a worse sound effect O’Dale.

Seat Fillers

Will Smith… Chris Redd

Jerrod Carmichael

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with the Oscars intro]

[Cut to Will Smith sitting on a sofa. Jerrod walks to his seat behind Will Smith.]

Jerrod: Oh, no way. Will Smith? Excuse me, Mr. Smith. I know I’m not supposed to talk to you. I’m just the seat filler, but I wanted to say I am a huge fan man.

Will Smith: Thank you, man. That means a lot. Ha-ha.

Jerrod: I love all your movies. Pursuit of Happiness is so inspiring. I just showed it to my son.

Will Smith: I love that. That’s what it’s all about. Ha-ha.

Jerrod: No joke. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It is still my ringtone to this day.

Will Smith: Ha-ha. That’s hilarious.

Jerrod: Hey, I don’t want to sound corny, but you’re like my hero. Man. This is the coolest night of my life. I mean, I’m talking to Will Smith. Chris Rock just got up on stage. Hey, can I get a selfie real quick?

Will Smith: Of course, yeah.

Chris Rock: Jada, I love you. GI Jane II, can’t wait to see it.

[Jerrod is trying to take a selfie with Will Smith]

Will Smith: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ay, I’ll be right back, man.

[Will Smith walks to the stage. Jerrod is just looking at him. When there’s a smacking sound, Jerrod is shocked.]

[Will Smith walks back and takes the seat]

Will Smith: Ay, so where are you from, man?

[Jerrod is creeped out.]

Jerrod: Nowhere man.

Will Smith: I like your tux, man. By the way, look good feel good, am I right? Ha-ha. [yelling] Keep my wife’s name out your [bleep] mouth. [back to talking to Jerrod] Man, I love the Oscars, man. I love movies, man. I just saw Padding II. Honestly, best movie I ever see. I love that little bear man. One second. [yelling] Keep my wife’s name out your [bleep] mouth. [back to talking to Jerrod] So, how about that selfie, man? Come on.

Jerrod: Nah, that’s okay.

Will Smith: Ah, come on, man. Let’s do it.

Jerrod: No, I deleted my phone.

Will Smith: Alright. Well, enjoy the show, man.

[Kyle walks back to his seat next to Jerrod]

Kyle: Bathroom like is crazy. What did I miss? Oh my god, we’re right next to Will Smith? I’m gonna tweet this. And he is trending. [reads the tweets] Oh my god.

Will Smith: [talking to Kyle] Hey, nice to meet you man. I’m Will. What’s your name?

Kyle: I don’t– They didn’t give me one.

Will Smith: Oh, that’s weird. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Amy Schumer is being hilarious, right? Ay, who is your favorite comedian?

Jerrod: Chris– No one.

Will Smith: What?

Jerrod: I don’t think anything is funny.

Will Smith: [pointing at Kyle] What about you? Favorite comedian, man?

Kyle: Dori?

Will Smith: Who?

Kyle: Finding Dori.

Will Smith: Your favorite comedian is Finding Dori? Well, she is a funny fish, man. [yelling] Richard Williams was a fierce protector of his family.

Kyle: Okay.

Will Smith: I’m gonna say that in my speech, man.

Jerrod: Okay.

Will Smith: Okay, what else should I say?

Kyle: Love makes you do crazy things.

Will Smith: What was that?

Kyle: Love makes you do crazy things.

Will Smith: That’s good. I’ma use that. I’ma credit you.

Kyle: Please don’t.

Will Smith: Man, the last couple of years have been crazy. You know? With covid, zoom, [cracking voice] the red table talk. Y’all ever see the red table talk?

Jerrod: Nah, I’ve never heard of it.

Kyle: I haven’t seen anything.

[Jerrod’s phone rings. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It is actually his ringtone.]

Will Smith: Ay! Don’t answer that, man. Let it ring. Everything is normal, y’all. [dancing]