Half Brother

Kenan Thompson

Dale… Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Lars… Daniel Kaluuya

Jolene… Cecily Strong

Ego Nwodim

[Starts with five adults raising their glasses]

All: Happy birthday to you.

Kenan: Thank you, you guys.

Dale: Hey, you’re turning 69, right?

Kenan: Dale! Leave it to Dale to make a nasty, nasty joke.

Dale: Guilty as charged!

Kenan: Well, I may laugh but I don’t like it.

Aidy: Well, anyway. Thank you so much for being here. You all are such a dear friends.

Lars: Only friends here?

Jolene: Yeah, only friends? Or–

Kenan: Oh. Yes. My half brother, Lars.

Lars: Half brother, full Facebook friend.

Kenan: That’s right. And his partner, Jolene.

Jolene: Yeah, easy to remember. Like, the whore from the song.

Kenan: So, yeah. Thank you both for driving all the way from the tip top of Canada.

Lars: No offense, but who’s going to make this a real party? You know what I mean?

Aidy: Oh! You don’t mean drugs, do you?

Jolene: Well, think sexier.

Dale: Oh-oh! Sounds like they hired a stripper.

Kenan: No! No! I said no nasty!

Lars: No. She’s not a stripper, but she’s nude, beautiful, and she lets you grab her by the neck and slap her around. It’s my upright bass. [there’s a upright bass at the side]

Aidy: Oh, look honey. He moved our entire media center and put his upright bass there.

Lars: Don’t worry. All your crap is in the bathroom. Now, who wants to play my upright bass?

Ego: Probably no one.

Lars: Well, I do.

Jolene: Well, if you’re going to play upright bass, who’s going to do spoken word poetry? [pointing at Aidy] You?

Aidy: No. No, I don’t like where this is going.

Ego: Yeah. Where is it going?

Kenan: Well, I think my half brother and his wife are going to perform some jazz thing.

Jolene: Well, feel free to snap along anyone. [Lars and Jolene get ready to perform] I think you’ll know where we picked this one.

Lars: This is for you, half brother. On your birthday.

[Lars starts playing the bass]

Jolene: [poetry] Kitty’s on the sand with the shackles on his hand
coz kitty stole the bacon and the bacon’s for the taking.

Lars: He stole it for the lover but lover found another

Jolene: He never did confess but they fried them nonetheless

Lars and Jolene: Zaba-duba-de, now, meow!

Lars: Happy birthday.

Kenan: Wow. That was amazing. Thank you.

Jolene: No, no. We don’t deserve all that. Come on. We can do better.

Lars: See, normally when we do this, we’re just made love in any old way.

Jolene: Yeah, you know how it goes. Twisted around, up side down, magic night gowns. But that’s all over. We are getting the big old D-I-V-O-R-C. Anybody knows that that spells?

Aidy: Well, you almost spelled divorce.

Lars: And we’re almost divorced.

Jolene: Yeah. We tried to fix things with an open marriage but he forgot to tell me about it.

Lars: I could have sworn I mentioned it.

Jolene: Nope. Well, thank you both. We enjoyed whatever that was you did. And I’m sorry about your divorce.

Jolene: No, no, no. don’t be. I mean, the marriage might be over but we still got the band. Hey, let’s prove it.

Ego: No need.

[Lars starts playing the bass]

Jolene: [poem] Tony Loney Money had a lonely horoscony
his name was way too long to fit on a tombstoney

Lars: The grumpy old crooney, the thought everyone was phoney
so no one was around when he choked his baloney

Lars and Jolene: Shapa-shapa-shapa-duray-meow!

Aidy: Well, thank you so much for you jazz beat. I think we’re good.

Jolene: And?

Dale: Sorry about your divorce.

Lars: But?

Ego: We’re the glad the band is still together?

Lars: Because?

Kenan: We liked it?

Jolene: And now you want an?

Aidy: Encore? Oh no! Why did I say that?

Kenan: I guess this is how I’m spending my first birthday out of quarantine.

[Lars starts playing bass]

Jolene: [poem] Nothing could be slicker than rabbit drinking liquor

Lars: But when he hit the jicker adding whiskey in his picker

Dale: Okay, I like it now.

Jolene: It just lay there like a worm refusing to perform.

Lars and Jolene: Rabbity-scabbity-rabbity ray
rabbity-scabbity not today

meow!

Ego: Why does it always end with meow?

Dale: I don’t know. Ask them.

Aidy: Hey, where did they go? [they’re not there]

Kenan: I think they’re having sex in our bedroom.

Ego: How do you know?

Kenan: Well, they left the door open and I can see everything.

Aidy: Okay. Should we just do presents?

Kenan: I guess.

Lars and Jolene: [shouting in another room] Shaba-shaba-do-ray-meow!

Aidy: Oh my god!

Kenan: No, no. Don’t look. That’s what they want.

Frat Trip

Beck Bennett

Pledge… Andrew Dismukes

Austin… Chris Redd

Matt… Bowen Yang

Gael… Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

Pete Davidson

Daniel Kaluuya

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of college boys hanging out]

Beck: Oh, Pledge!

[Pledge walks in wearing a baby hat]

Pledge: Yes, Ford.

Beck: Go to the Pi Phi sorority house and take a number two in their downstairs bathroom.

Pledge: As you command. Oh, man. Those girls are so pretty.

[Pledge walks out] [Austin walks in]

Austin: Yo, second dose, mother-suckers. It’s official! Austin is vaccinated!

All: Yeah!

Matt: We need to celebrate.

Gael: Yeah. Yo! I have a bomb idea. Weekend before finals, we should rent a house in Tahoe.

All: Yeah!

Matt: If we do that, I will do coke. Okay? I know I was super anti-coke earlier in the year, but I’ll do it. Someone else has to buy it though.

Alex: Okay. Let’s Airbnb a bombass place.

Pete: Ay, should we tell Brit and those girls to come?

Daniel: Yeah. We could invite our moms.

Austin: [shocked] You said moms?

Daniel: Yeah, it’s mother’s day weekend, man. What better way to celebrate than spending time with their sons? This is dope! Let’s do it!

Kyle: Yeah, I’m not really feeling the mom aspect of the plan. But I like everything else.

Gael: Yeah. Alright, we doing this then. I’ll start looking for a place.

Kyle: I’ll text them honeys, let them know Tahoe’s going off.

Daniel: I’ll get a Facebook group chat going with the moms so that they can connect with each other.

Gael: Yeah. Maybe hold off on that chat because I don’t know if the group’s feeling the ‘mom’ thing, dude!

Beck: Oh, yo! Dude! Oh my god! Yo!! T-shirts that say ‘Sigma Delta Tahoe Trip 21.

Kyle: That’s so baller! Rolling up in our shirts like, “Sup, Tahoe?”

Daniel: My mom’s a size medium.

Matt: Yo, my mom will say she’s a medium but get her a large.

Gael: Yo, stop! I don’t know how the ‘mom’ thing is gaining traction. Right? No moms, right?

Pete: Yeah. Everybody Venmo me 50 bucks and I’ll make a Cosco run. What do we want?

Alex: Beers, pal. Like Bud and fancy one like Amstel.

Beck: Yeah, get one of those big plastic vodka handles too.

Daniel: And maybe grab like, a couple of 24 packs of Activia for the moms.

Pete: Oh, good call. What flavor?

Kyle: Ayo! Brit’s asking me if the girls’ moms are invited too?

Daniel: Hell, yeah! More moms, the merrier.

Gael: Yo! No! No more mom talk. Because the more the mom stuff comes up, the more the moms become the part of this plan in everyone’s head. This is a Sigma Delta trip. Alright? Let’s focus. So, Thursday night, we get there. Like, we drop our bags. I feel like we go out right away.

Alex: Yeah. Boys’ night out!

Austin: Yeah. Because the moms are going to be tired from traveling. So they’ll probably want to chill at the house.

Daniel: True. Specially if someone’s flying in.

Gael: Guys, stop.

Beck: Oh, hell yeah. You can rent a pontoon boat for Austin0 people.

Matt: [hyper excited] Yes! Yes! Let’s ride one. We have to. Let’s ride one. Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

Beck: We will, Matt. Chill.

Pete: Hey, do pontoon boats have sun shade thing on the top? Because my mom won’t go unless she sits on the shade.

Daniel: Yeah. My mom wouldn’t be feeling that direct sun either, man.

Gael: Yeah. It doesn’t matter if they’re not feeling it because they’re not coming, right? You’re not going to want them there by the way when we’re chilling here in our house for the weekend! [showing everyone the rented house on laptop]

All: Oh! Yeah!

Daniel: And Jinx! I give you the moms on a group FaceTime call.

[puts the video call on TV]

Moms: We are so excited!

Kate: Brad! Honey, you look skinnier. You eating?

Aidy: Dylan, you need to sleep more. You look exhausted.

Cecily: Gael, I’m going to wear a two piece bathing suit. Will that embarrass you?

Gael: I mean, I don’t know. It kind of would, mom.

Cecily: Well, I’m wearing it!

Daniel: This weekend’s gonna be epic!

Gael: No! No, it’s not, dude! It’s gonna suck!

[Cut to picture of Gael and his mom enjoying the party getting drunk.]

 

Daniel Kaluuya Monologue

Daniel Kaluuya

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Kaluuya.

[Daniel Kaluuya walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Daniel Kaluuya: Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I can’t believe it’s Saturday Night Live in New York city. My name is Daniel Kaluuya. First of all, I know you’re hearing my accent and thinking, “Oh no, he’s not black. He’s British.” And I assure you that I am black. And black and I’m British. Basically, I’m what the royal family was worried the baby would look like. People ask me what’s worse? British racism or American racism? Let me put it this way. British racism is so bad, white people left. They wanted to be free. Free to create their own kind of racisms. So then, that’s why they invented Australia, South Africa and Boston. My family is from Uganda. Anyone from Uganda here? [audience cheering “Whoo”] That’s my auntie. She is here. I come from a big Ugandan family. It’s no joke. My mum’s one of 22 kids and my dad’s one of 49. My family sperm is literally about that life. They say black don’t crack, but condoms do.

I just betrayed the leader of Illinois chapter of the Black Panther party. A man who created strategies for free education, free healthcare and free breakfast for kids. His name is Chairman Fred Hampton. I actually won a Golden Globe for that role. But wait, it was on Zoom. And this is what happened.

[Cut to Golden Globe program happening on Zoom.]

Host: And the Golden Globe goes to Daniel Kaluuya, “Judis and the Black Messiah.”

[cheers and applause] [Daniel Kaluuya appears on the Zoom screen. He is speaking, but he has muted himself.]

Host: As you can see, unfortunately we have a bad connection.

[Cut back to Daniel Kaluuya]

Daniel Kaluuya: I was muted. Can you believe that? I told the best joke of my life and I was muted. I felt like I was in a psycho place. Now, before we get started, I just want to say how grateful I am to be here. When I was nine years old, I wrote a play that got performed in Hampshire with real actors and everything. This is a true story. That play was based on Kenan and Kel. Yes. And that play let me down a path that got me to this stage tonight Kenan back stage right now. So, I just want to take this moment for Kenan and whole world to say “Thank you mum, thank you god, and thank you Kel.” We’ve got a great show. St. Vincent is here. Stick around and we will be right back.

Britney Spears Talk Show Cold Open

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

Lil’ Nas X… Chris Redd

Jesus… Mikey Day

Pepe Le Pew… Kate McKinnon

Matt Gaetz… Pete Davidson

[starts with show intro]

Female voice: Live from Las Vegas, it’s “Oops, you did it again”. With your host, Britney Spears.

[Cut to Britney Spears in her show set]

Britney Spears: Hey, y’all. It’s Britney, bitch. This is the show where we shine a light on social pariahs of the week. And I get to decide whether they’re innocent or [singing] not that innocent. And speaking of pariahs, shout our to our sponsor, Georgia – voted best place not to vote. I too have been put in the hot seat this week. I was accused of not writing my own social media captions. Ha-ha! That’s right. They thought someone else wrote – [cut the her tweet] “Who else finds the sea more mysterious than space?” Why do they think is running my account? Jacques Cousteau? Okay, my first guest tonight has been attacked by rare combo of Catholic church and Nike. Please welcome Lil’ Nas X.

[Lil’ Nas X walks in]

Lil’ Nas X: Hi Britney. I hope you don’t mind but I wore one of my casual look.

Britney Spears: You look amos. Now, I want to start with your new satan shoes. Is it true that they’re Nikes made with human blood?

Lil’ Nas X: Yeah, but I don’t know why Nike so mad. The whole thing is ‘just do it’. Well, I did it.

Britney Spears: People were also freaking out about your new video where you ride down a stripper pole to hell and twerk on the devil. Why are they so upset?

Lil’ Nas X: Because they’re closed minded idiots? People are afraid of me because I’m different. But really, I’m just your typical gay black country rap sneaker entrepreneur. I put my pants on like everyone else. One assless chap at a time.

Britney Spears: And what would you say to the religious folks who were mad that you gave satan a lap dance?

Lil’ Nas X: I would say – you know that wasn’t the real satan, right? It was a dude in a Halloween devil costume because the real satan doesn’t do music videos. So maybe, chill?

Britney Spears: So, helping people together, would you be willing to give a lap dance to god? Just to even things out?

Lil’ Nas X: Hmm. Okay, yeah. I guess.

Britney Spears: Okay, let’s do it.

[A man wearing Jesus costume walks in and sits. Lil’ Nas X twerts on him and gives him a lap dance.]

Wow! Happy Easter, everyone!

Lil’ Nas X: And should I again remind people, that was not the real god? That was just my friend, Gary.

Britney Spears: Thanks, Gary. Okay, my next guest has been cancelled and got taken out of the upcoming film “Space Jam”. Please welcome Pepe Le Pew.

[Pepe Le Pew walks in. He’s wearing a squirrel costume.]

Pepe Le Pew: Hello to you. I would kiss you all the way up your arm, but I realize that is no longer socially acceptable. So, I will shake your hand and say nice to meet you.

Britney Spears: See? You’re learning. Now, the original “Space Jam” is one of the best alien sports movie of all time. What was your part in the movie supposed to be?

Pepe Le Pew: Well, any good basketball family needs a horny skunk. That much we all know. So, my part was, get this, I see a basketball in a blonde wig. I make love to it for Britney Spears0-Britney Spears5 minutes before LeBron James taps me on the shoulder and says, “Bro, that’s a basketball.” Not my finest moment in cinema but it made the crew laugh. So…

Britney Spears: And how do you respond to people who say you promote a culture of assault?

Pepe Le Pew: Look, I’m an actor. The part you see me play on TV and movie, that’s not me. I would love to be at a point in my career where I could turn down project, but there are not a lot of part for an old French skunk. Every audition, everyone come down to me or Gerard Depardieu. And if you think I am problematic, the problematic Looney Tunes? Two words for you. Speedy Gonzales. And, you didn’t hear this from me, but FBI is 90% sure, Yosemite Sam was at the Capitol riot.

Britney Spears: Oh. So, Pepe, where do we go from here?

Pepe Le Pew: I’ve been doing the work. Reading books. Women are from Mars, skunks are from France. I realize that Pepe love women but what Pepe needs to do now is listen to women. And of course, I am in a treatment for sex addiction.

Britney Spears: Okay. Krrr! Our final guest is, as we said in the early 2000s, a hot mess, and as we’d say today, a full on sex pest, please keep your hands apart not clapping for Florida congressman Matt Gaetz.

[Matt Gaetz walks in wearing a suit]

Matt Gaetz: Hi, everyone. Gigity gigity goop.

Britney Spears: Now, who are you again?

Matt Gaetz: My name is Matt Gaetz. Like, Bill Gates, but with a Z at the end. Like a cool version for teens.

Britney Spears: Speaking of teens–

Matt Gaetz: Oh, we don’t have to speak of teens.

Britney Spears: No, ha-ha. Let’s. So, this whole story is so bizarre, so incredibly Florida that I need to get it straight. You were dating a 17 year old and brought her on trips across state lines.

Matt Gaetz: Allegedly.

Britney Spears: Prostitutes say you took ecstasy and had sex with them in Florida hotel rooms.

Matt Gaetz: Alleged– gigity goop.

Britney Spears: And your republican colleagues in congress say that you showed them nude photos of women you were sleeping with.

Matt Gaetz: Which is not a crime! Just horrifying!

Britney Spears: I don’t know, Matt. I think I can spot a teen predator when I see one. After all, I was on Mickey Mouse club.

Matt Gaetz: Argh! That’s ridiculous. People were just targeting me because I defended Donald Trump.

Britney Spears: And what has Trump said in your defense?

Matt Gaetz: Gigity squat!

Britney Spears: Do you think these allegations are going to hurt you in the next election?

Matt Gaetz: Weirdly in my district, they might help. But come on, I’m just like Pepe here. I’m just a ladies man.

Pepe Le Pew: Dude, no! I’m a cartoon skunk. You are a United States congressman. Be better, okay?

Matt Gaetz: You know what? Maybe I should do a lap dance too. That’d be fun, right?

Lil’ Nas X: If you come anywhere near me, just remember, I have hiphop friends and country friends, the Tupac relations that are guaranteed to own guns.

Matt Gaetz: Okay, point taken.

Pepe Le Pew: And if I may add– [Pepe Le Pew turns her back toward Matt Gaetz and farts hard]

Matt Gaetz: Oh, god! I kinda like it.

Britney Spears: And now, I am going to give my verdict. Lil’ Nas X, innocent.

Lil’ Nas X: Hell, yeah.

Britney Spears: Pepe Le Pew, not that innocent.

Pepe Le Pew: I accept. It’s time for a newly Pew.

Britney Spears: And Matt Gaetz, I’m not legally allowed to call you innocent or guilty, so I’ll just encourage everyone to [singing] judge him by his face. 

Matt Gaetz: Oh-oh!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Beanie Babies

Dustin… Daniel Kaluuya

Bowen Yang

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Bowen, Dustin and Aidy having a meeting]

Bowen: Good to see you, Dustin. We’ve been looking forward to reviewing this year’s Beanie Baby bios.

Dustin: Me too. I love writing little stories. Little stories on that text.

Aidy: Well, that’s what makes Ty different. Our Toys come with beautiful back stories. They have a past.

Bowen: Yeah. And we love what you wrote for Clipper the dolphin. “As I sail through the ocean blue, I’ll run across a friend or two. My birthday is March 5th.”

Aidy: It is so great that you always include the Beanie’s birthdays.

Dustin: Thank you. Children want to know when their toy was born.

Bowen: Yes. Alright. That’s enough. Let’s get started. As always, please present each Beanie on the Beanie pedestal.

[Dustin puts a toy penguin on the table]

Dustin: This is Rico.

Aidy: Oh, adorable. Okay, so what will his tag say?

Dustin: “Sick of being the funny one, always desexualizedd by friends. Wobble wobble. there I go to bed again with no nudes. Might as well be dead. Send nude or unfollow. My birthday is June 22.”

Aidy: Hmm. Dustin, this feels a little off Beanie.

Dustin: Okay.

Aidy: I didn’t love the death part. Let us remember, Beanies don’t know that they die.

Bowen: Yes, correct. They live a happy life, and then it stops. There is no pain. Who’s next?

[Dustin puts a toy tiny bear on the table]

Dustin: This is Nibbles. He says, “Met couple online but still not vaccinated. Had ‘threesome’ over FaceTime in the bathroom (where router is). Toxic and sad all around. Dropped phone in toilet and by the time it was dry they were all done, didn’t care. My birthday was that day.”

Aidy: Dustin! That’s nasty! That’s very bad.

Dustin: You said write what you know.

Bowen: No, we didn’t. We sent you an example from last year said, “Like this.”

Dustin: This is the only way I know how to access my rage, my sadness with the Beanies.

Aidy: Well, let’s move on. I know the next one will be good.

[Dustin puts a toy on the table]

Bowen: [reading] Julio – “If someone DM’s saying husband away on business but gets all defensive once you make a move, it’s like… Okay? Why are you even in New York? Grow up. My birthday is May 5th. Oh my god, I’m turning 50.” Okay, Dustin!

Aidy: Yes, it feels like Beanies could reflect a little before they start attacking couples on the internet.

Dustin: Well, everyone’s happy as long as the Beanie shut up and keep paying for their drinks, right?

Aidy: I mean, are there any Beanies in the pile who don’t have a victim complex?

Dustin: Yes, this one. [puts a toy on the table]

Aidy: Alright. [reading] Giselle – “Throwing a picnic! Guess what! There’s no one here. Funny how everyone’s ‘scared’ of the virus when it’s a picnic with me. erased by my chosen family get again. My birthday is Feb 14z, whatever.”

Bowen: Alright, next Beanie. Next Beanie.

[Dustin puts another toy on the table]

Dustin: Kiki – “Feeling a little better toay. Just because some isn’t into me, doesn’t mean it’s a societal problem. Someone will ant me, if there is god.”

Aidy: If? Dustin, there is a god. And he wants happy Beanies.

Bowen: Next Beanie to the pedestal, Dustin.

Dustin: That’s all of them.

Aidy: That’s all of them? You only wrote five Beanie bios?

Dustin: We shipped you a thousand beanies. We have this room booked until four in the morning.

Aidy: That’s right. Just go. Okay? I’ll call the factory and I’ll tell them to stop making the beanies.

Dustin: Fine. But all I did was write my truth.

Aidy: Hello, yes, put the manager on. Who do you think this is? Halt the Beanie machines at once. Well, then destroy them all. And don’t look them in the eyes. They’ll break your heart.

Zoom Call

Mikey Day

Brian… Alex Moffat

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Kevin… Chris Redd

Henriette… Aidy Bryant

Nan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Mike taking a video in his house]

Mike: Hey, everybody. Hi.

[Cut to a Zoom conference call. There are six participants including Henriette, Kevin, Crystal, Brian and Nan.]

All: Hey, hello.

Mike: Welcome to Sales Corp Industry’s first Zoom call. This is how we’re going to be doing meetings now. So we wanted to get everyone acquainted with the program, with a little Zoom tutorial. On the call today, we got Brian from sales.

Brian: Oh, man. So good to see you everybody. At a safe distance that is. Ha-ha-ha.

Mike: Ha-ha. Yeah. Um, we got Crystal from market research.

Crystal: Hey. Sorry, my place is such a wreck.

Mike: Na, that’s perfect. We got Kevin from research.

Kevin: Yo, any of y’all wearing pants? Be honest now. Ha-ha. Zoom is fun.

Mike: Oh-oh. It is. It is. And of course, Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionists.

Henriette: Yeah. It is. Yes. We just work the phones normally. So, we’re gonna see.

Nan: Hah! Hello. Hello. I got an email address for this.

Mike: Um, that’s great. We’re glad to have you. You guys will be just fine. Zoom has different layouts. So, go ahead and play around with the view on your screen while we chat. Anybody up to anything fun at home?

Brian: Well, mainly like a lot of my cat looking at me like, “Um, shouldn’t you be at work?”

Crystal: Hah, I know. My dogs are so happy right now. I take them on, like, 12 walks a day.

Kevin: Does anyone else fully hate their kids? Ha-ha.

Henriette: Ha-ha-ha. [Henriette has her mouth near to camera. We can’t see her full face.] And for me it’s been reevaluating which of my mugs I think are the funnies. Ha-ha. Okay. Now this isn’t right, is it?

Nan: Yes. And I recorded my own commentary for a dog’s purpose. I think this is not right.

Mike: You just don’t need to be so close to the camera.

Henriette: Okay. Well, I’ve been calling into QVC [moving the camera around, now we can only see her legs] telling them how good of a job I think that they’re doing.

Mike: Just reset the camera.

Nan: Okay. Like this? [Wayne Brady’s picture replaces Nan’s video] Did I activate Zoom?

Mike: No. You turned it off. And it looks like your avatar is a picture of Wayne Brady? Henriette and Nan, guys, just point the camera at you and just leave it be.

[Nan and Henriette start crying]

Henriette: [sobbing] We’re sorry.

Nan: [sobbing]We’re not cut out for this.

Henriette: [sobbing]I thought this computer only did solitaire.

Nan: [sobbing]We ruined the Zoom.

Mike: No, no, no. Guys, hey, don’t cry. No one ruined the Zoom. We’re all learning here, okay? Why don’t I jus show you guys some of the other cool features it has, okay? Like, there’s virtual background. Even though you’re at home, you can change the background to a beach or wherever you’d most like to be.

[Henriette gets a picture of ‘The Good Doctor’ as her background]

Henriette: This is my beach. It’s the only file I have on my computer and it is my favorite doctor.

Mike: The poster from ‘The Good Doctor?’

Henriette: He’s a doctor but he’s different.

Mike: Okay. Yeah. You can also share your screen down here.

Nan: Oh, wow.

Mike: Either your desktop or an application.

Nan: Okay, am I doing it? I was going for desktop. What part of my screen are you seeing?

Mikey: We’re seeing a Google search that says, “Siri, is my daughter pregnant?”

Henriette: Okay. But I was wondering. [Henriette is walking in her house] If a hacker gets a hold of Zoom, what can I tell? [Henriette walks into the bathroom and puts her laptop on the floor.]

Mikey: Oh, no. [Henriette closes the bathroom door.] No, no, no, no. Please don’t bring it into the bathroom. We can see you always.

Henriette: Oh. I didn’t know.

Nan: [covering her face with her sweater] Okay, my screen is dark again. Darn it.

Mike: No. Don’t take your clothes off, Nan. No, no, no, no. Don’t take your clothes off. Oh, my god. No, don’t. Stop. Both of you. I’m sorry to do this guys. Just please stop. Please.

[Henriette starts crying on her bed]

Oh, no.

Henriette: [sobbing] I’m bad news.

Nan: [sobbing]I’m from hell.

Henriette: [sobbing]I just found out I’m supposed to tip waiters.

Nan: [sobbing]I found out that I’m wearing my shoes on the wrong feet.

Mike: Okay, Henriette, Nan, don’t be so hard on yourselves. Guys, this technology is new. You’re staying home. I’m sure you’re great at that.

Henriette: [sobbing] No, I’m not.

Nan: [sobbing] I’ve never used soap before.

Henriette: [sobbing] I used my license as toilet paper and now I don’t know my own birthday.

Mike: Okay. That’s probably enough.

Nan: [sobbing] My husband says I can only use one sheet of toilet paper, but I need three to get all the dukie out.

Henriette: [sobbing] If I can’t kiss my kids on the mouth, I’m gonna hurt an animal.

Nan: [sobbing] I tried to clean my ass in the middle of the night with the hose in the driveway and I went viral.

Mike: Okay. You know what? Let’s call it. Henriette and Nan, we don’t need you to be on any Zoom calls.

Henriette: Thank god.

Nan: Oh, wonderful. Okay.

Kevin: Hey, um, does anybody knows where I can find Nan’s hose video?

Brian: Yeah, I’ll send it to everybody.

Kevin: Thanks brother.

Mike: Oh, thank you.

Nan: Thanks, guys.

Weekend Update- President Trump Gives Coronavirus Update

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes]

Colin Jost: A lot of Americans have been watching president Trump’s daily press conferences. Calling into our show right now which is very exciting for an official update on the pandemic is president Donald Trump. [Donald Trump joins on the phone] Thank you so much for joining us Mr. President. So, what’s the latest with the virus?

Donald Trump: Well, I’m happy to report Colin that America is now number one in the world for coronavirus. Number one while I was president, #AmericaNumberOne #NotImportantWhy.

Colin Jost: You seem almost excited about it.

Donald Trump: Well, my approval rating is up. My TV rating is through the roof. Every night at seven PM, all of the New York claps and cheers for the great job I’m doing.

Michael Che: Yeah. I don’t know if that’s for you, man.

Donald Trump: You’re wrong, LeBron. You’re wrong. I’ll be honest. This virus, this COFIFA-nineteen is really a tough one.

Michael Che: What exactly is your advice? Because it seems to change every Michael Che4 hours.

Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question. You’re very nasty. All along, I’ve always said it was a giant hoax that we should take very seriously. Even though it was embedded by the democrats impeachment part two to everyone needs to wash their hands or not.

Colin Jost: I was just wondering. Where are you getting most of your advice for this?

Donald Trump: We have to listen to the experts on this one. Me, Hannity, Jared Kushner and Michael Lindell from My Pillow. All the experts agree we need to wear masks.

Colin Jost: Right. Right. So, are you wearing a mask?

Donald Trump: That’s a nasty question, okay? No, I’m not. Last time I wore a mask, I hot boxed myself and passed out. And I can’t wear mask in my tanning bed or when I take it off I’ll be dark up top with the white circle around my mouth like a reverse Homer Simpson.

Colin Jost: I did notice that you stopped referring to it as Chinese virus.

Donald Trump: That’s right, Colin. I had to tone down the ethnic slurs after I discovered everything we need to survive the virus is made in Gina (China), okay? Here are some of the other names we workshopped.

Michael Che: Oh, I would love to, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Okay. We had ‘Chinese flu.’ Then of course, ‘Hong Kong fluey.’ Then ‘Crouching tiger hidden symptons.’ Or, ‘Wang Chung Lung.’ And there’s ‘General Tso’s revenge.’ Okay? Stephen Miller came up with ‘The Yellow Fever,’ but that’s already a thing. It’s when a white dude is horny for an Asian chick.

Colin Jost: It was probably better, sir, the back off. Some people are saying that now you seem more presidential than you ever have.

Donald Trump: Colin, in times like this, we need to come together as one nation because no matter our differences, all Americans can agree on one thing, Carole Baskin definitely fed her husband to those tigers. I’m proud to announce Trump Exotic twentytwenty. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. They have a feeling Pence is gonna be pretty into Joe Exotic.

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. President Trump, everyone.

Donald Trump: All the absentee ballots are covered in coronavirus. Happy Easter, everybody.

Weekend Update- New Twinkies Cereal and Joe Exotic Movie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes.]

Michael Che: The makers of Twinkies announced a new cereal based on the snack cakes. And this is nice. Every box comes with a t-shirt you kid can wear in the pool.

Colin Jost: LifeTime has announced a spin-off of their new hit show “Married At First Sight” that catches up on couples from the show. The spin-off if called “Divorced or Murdered?”

Joe Exotic, the subject of the Netflix series “Tiger King” said that he wants Brad Pitt to play him in a movie version of his life. Which is sort of like if ‘The Colin Jost’ story starred Denzel Washington.

Michael Che: A woman in England baked a cake for a charity fundraiser that was in the shape of a rollup toilet paper. The icing was vanilla with a little streaks of chocolate. That’s a good cake.

Colin Jost: A couple has created a miniature versions of classic paintings to display for their durables. They say the toughest part was getting the paintings to also fit up their ass.

Michael Che: What happened to you?

Colin Jost: A group of clowns who usually entertain retirees in their homes at a senior home in Germany have started performing outside their windows. Even though saying, “I see clowns outside my window,” is how you end up in a home.

Michael Che: A male panda at a zoo in Hong Kong has for the first time mated with his female companion of ten years, after she finally agreed to get implants. [A picture of a panda with breasts appears.]

That’s funny. You know guys, by the way, this is really fun. And as you know, Colin, I lost my grandmother this week. And coming back to work really made me feel better. Specially with you.

Colin Jost: Aw. Thank you.

Michael Che: My favorite part of this show was when would do joke swap. You have no idea but, I don’t know, maybe would you like to do one right now?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Wow, that started out so sweet.

Michael Che: Yeah. No. Well, I mean, she would have really liked it.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: So, I sent– I had Pete send you a joke in your email if you can just open up and read it.

Colin Jost: [pulling out the laptop] This is my laptop that I just received my email on. [reading the email] Oh my god!

Michael Che: Ha-ha-ha-ha. She would really like this.

Colin Jost: Yeah. She would love. Okay. For her then, I’ll say this. Great.

Two professors at the University of Oklahoma have been cited for using the N word in class. In their defense, the students were being pretty lazy.

Michael Che: Damn! My grandmother has never seen this show. I just wanted you to do that.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Michael Che: She woke up at like, 4 AM dude, to pray. You think she’d watch Saturday Night Live? Never. But I really appreciate it. That made this night perfect, man. Thank you. Aw, man. For Weekend Update, I’m Martha’s grand baby.

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Bernie Sanders Drops Out

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to split screen with Colin Jost and Michael Che in their homes]

Colin Jost: Hey, everyone. Welcome to Weekend Update Home Edition. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And this is obviously a strange way to do the show. So, we got some people listening on Zoom. Say hi, everybody.

[audience making little noise]

Yeah. Now, it’s like a party, right Coling?

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s a great distant just audio party. It’s great.

Michael Che: What? I mean it’s better. It’s like.. telling jokes with nobody just looks like hostage footage. No, doing comedy with no audience, it kind of feels like when you’re in a long distance relationship and your girl’s like, “We can’t have sex but we can Facetime.” And you’re like, “Ugh, I’d rather just cheat on you.”

So, we got some jokes and we’re gonna tell some, see what you guys think.

Colin Jost: I’ve been watching president’s daily improv shows that he does every night. And I actually really love Dr. Anthony Fauci. I love when he speaks. Dr. Fauci is the last person I’ve seen that has a really thick accent but is smart. I’ve never got used to that. It’s like if someone said like, “Alright, guys. Here’s how we’re gonna fix this disease,” you’d expect them to be like, “We’re gonna break it’s f*** knee caps.” But he just has actual like, facts information.

Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the race which means that Joe Biden is now the presumptive nominee for 2020. And I just want to say on behalf of all comedians, thank you. I’m so excited because it’s either Trump or Biden which means that we have a comedy gold for next four years. Potentially with Biden, the next eight years. And I just want to say, can you imagine the Biden’s gonna be saying eight years from now?

Michael Che: This is bitter sweet coz I actually like Bernie Sanders. But him losing and making all those liberal white kids on twitter sad is the only thing getting me through this really rough week. Whenever I feel down, I just go online and listen to Bernie supporters try really, really hard to not blame this loss on black people. Ha-ha. I liked him but I knew he wasn’t getting a black vote because he kept bringing up healthcare. We don’t go to the doctors, man.

Colin Jost: President Trump has been reportedly promoting unproven cures for COVID-19 based on advice of Rudy Giuliani. Coz when you need medical advice, you turn to the guy who looks like he’s experience every symptom at once.

Michael Che: Reports suggest that in large cities like New York, coronavirus is disproportionately impacting African-American communities. And I really wish there was a way to warn black people about this without also telling white people about this. Coz once Trump starts calling this the Harlem flu, we ain’t never gonna get a cure.

Colin Jost: It was announced that Kylie Jenner for the second year in a row was the world’s youngest self made billionaire. The announcement was made in this month’s issue of Now’s Not The Time (magazine).

Michael Che: Harvey Weinstein has reportedly beaten the coronavirus but there’s still a chance he could be contagious. At least that’s what he’s yelling to anyone who gets near him in the showers.

Colin Jost: Tuesday was National Beer Day which was the first time alcohol has ever helped me remember what day it is.

 

Visualizations with Aidy Bryant

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with “Visualizations with Aidy” intro]

Aidy: Take a deep breath in. Deep breath out. [Cut to Aidy meditating] [exhaling] And you know, picture yourself somewhere that calms you. Let’s start something simple. Just a blue sky with clouds. See yourself in those clouds. Now, there I am absolute sky queen. Floating light as a feather. Not a care in the world. The world is your oyster. You can go anywhere. You can go underwater with some jellyfish. Think of something that makes you feel free. Maybe for me, that’s like, a big beautiful galloping chestnut horse. [Cut to Aidy looking at a horse] Oh, that’s sort of like, a digital horse. But that’s okay. Maybe you know what? Center and find a different animal. [The hose goes away. A big snake appears.] [bleep] No, no.

[Cut back to Aidy meditating]

Okay, okay. That’s okay. We can reset. Right? It’s easy to reset. Another deep breath and let’s think about love. [Cut to a man and a woman touching each other in bed] Think about passion. Sex. Um, yeah. Oh, look at these two. They don’t exactly seem to be hot and heavy. Feels like more like they got a direction that they weren’t allowed to kiss. Now, that’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen in my damn life.

[Cut back to Aidy meditating]

Maybe something more fun. A little bit of a fantasy. Close your eyes. See yourself strutting on a red carpet. You know? And I’ve been on a carpet or two in my day. And usually when I get out there, I think, “What is this all for and what is the meaning of life? Why have I brought myself here?” Now I’m sad that I care so much about this. For me, it’s sometimes easy to think about things one at a time. So, smiles. Simple. [There are smiling emojis all over Aidy.] And smiles now. How about hotdogs? [There’s a huge hotdog behind Aidy] Yeah, summertime hotdog. What about World War I? No. Sorry. I’m sorry. How about warm fresh bread with butter? [There are breads behind Aidy] Ummm. How about dancing? [There’s a Zumba class going on behind Aidy] Yes. You and your best friends who are all senior women are dancing in this rec center. Go, girl.

[Cut back to Aidy meditating]

Let’s go now and let’s think about maybe the things that we miss. Like, going to the movies. I miss that. Or, what about my favorite thing when you surprise an old person you barely know with a kiss and a hug? When will we get to do that again? Or how about this putting on your fedora and going to Ferris Wheel concert with your best girlfriend? And you know, I’m feeling better and I hope that you are too. And if this doesn’t work for you, then I wanna recommend eating an entire quesadilla and a bag of chocolate chips. Good luck, you guys. Stay safe.