John Mulaney Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. My name is 1 and if you’re watching at home and you don’t know who I am, I’m sorry. Um, I am like Louis Farrakhan. I mean a lot to a small group of people. It’s a leap year Saturday and I am the first person to ever host Saturday Night Live on a leap year Saturday. It’s very exciting. Yes. I am also the first hots who has done the least in between his second and third time hosting. I have nothing coming up. I am here to promote the month of March. “March, if winter had spring. March.”

Clap if your father is between the ages of 60 and 75. [audience clapping] Yeah. What’s going on with them? What’s wrong with them? They’re so emotional. My dad hugs me so tightly sometimes, I’m like, “Is one of us about to die?” And my dad has no friends. And your dad has no friends. If you think your dad has friends, you’re wrong. You mom has friends and they have husbands. Those are not your dad’s friends. Why do none of our baby boomer dads have friends? I have a few theories. One, they forgot. Two, they want to be alone. Dads want to be alone. I’m not a dad but i observed one. And he would go into his room and read about World War II. All of our dads are cramming for some World War II quiz show and I can’t wait to watch it. We’re just going to change channels and see how our dads win a $900,000 on Normandy Triva. Another theory I have is that dads really only care about money. But you’re not allowed to talk about money in United States. It’s taboo. So, they don’t have anything to talk about, so they have no friends.

A friend of mine once told me that he would rather his wife die than go through a divorce with her. He said that to me. Later that day I asked him, “Hey, what are you making this year?” And he said, “That’s personal.” It is hard to make friends when you’re an adult male. I think that’s the greatest miracle of Jesus, truly, is that he was a 33 year old man and he had 12 best friends. And they were not his wife’s friends or husbands. And he didn’t meet them a long time ago in school. He met them in his 30s. Twelve best friends! Remember when your dad went fishing once? These guys went fishing every day. They were all best friends. And he’d do magic tricks for them and they loved it. He did magic tricks to the one time that he should have done magic and then he forgot to. And they were taking– that must have been disappointing for his twelve best friends. They’re taking him away in chains and they’re like, “Do the chain trick you have.” “I don’t know. I don’t know how to break chains.”

Shifting topics entirely. It is a leap year I said. Leap year began in the year 45 BC under Julius Caesar. It’s true. He started the leap year in order to correct the calendar and we still do it to this day. Another thing that happened under Julius Caesar was he was such a powerful maniac that all the senators grabbed knives and they stabbed him to death. That’d be an interesting thing if we brought that back now. I asked my lawyer if I could make that joke and he said, “Let me call another lawyer” and that lawyer said yes. I don’t want to dwell on politics but I dislike the founding fathers immensely. They are weird group of guys. I hate when people are like, “Go has never created such a great group of men as the founding fathers.” Yeah, the 92 bulls. The 92 bulls were better than the founding fathers. The 96 bulls, maybe. That’s actually a perfect metaphor for the United States. When I was a boy, the United States was like, Michael Jordan in 1992. And now, the United States is like Michael Jordan now. The founding fathers were dumb because they made the constitution and they numbered it and the order is weird. They sat down, they had a feather. They knew how to make a pen. They were just being jerks. “Amendment number one, freedom of speech. And freedom of assembly. And freedom of religion. Okay, that’s one. How about two?” [yelling] “You can have all the guns you want.” “For two? How about like 17, 19?” “No, two. Guns!” “Alright. Let’s just put guns. He seems upset. Alright. Amendment number three.” [yelling] “The army can’t live in your house.” “Okay, buddy. I think you’re going through your own thing in life right now. And I feel for you. I think a soldier might be sleeping with your wife and you want to grab a gun and kill him. And I feel for you. But that cannot affect the list. This is like a ‘forever list.’ And we haven’t even got into basics like morning time is when you eat breakfast. So.” “Put it down in writing. The army can’t live in your house.”  And don’t you thank god everyday for that third amendment? The other afternoon, this was Tuesday. I was in my apartment and the buzzer rang. And it was 101st airborne. And they said, “Permission to live in your house?” And I went, “Third amendment.” And he said, “Gentlemen, he’s invoked the third. Let’s fall out and find another house to live in. A thing that we do.”

In summary and in summation, a very nice thing happened to me this year. This is truly lovely. A young woman from the make a wish foundation made it her wish to meet me. And I was very flattered by that. I was very honored that she wanted to meet me. I was very concerned that she used he wish to meet me. I’m not someone, you know, you need to wish to meet. I’m around. I take the four-five express train a lot. I take this six. You can find me. You need the ‘make a plan foundation’ to find me. But I wanted to do it. And she said, “I just want to see how you spend a day.” And I said, “Oh, no. That’s even worse. I wouldn’t wish that on a healthy adult.” So, I didn’t want her to sit around watching me eat sour patch kids and repeat gossip. So, I brought her here to Saturday Night Live coz I still had my ID badge. And I bring her into the studio. Her name is Elizabeth. And they were rehearsing a big political sketch and Lin-Manuel Miranda is in this sketch playing Julian Castro. It’s very exciting. And she sees Lin-Manuel Miranda and she says, “Is that Lin-Manuel Miranda?” And I go, “Yeah. You wanna you wanna meet Lin?” I didn’t know if he went by Lin or Lin-Manuel, and I don’t know him. But I said, “Come on, let’s go.” So, I go up. I go up, “Hey, Lin [soft voice] Manuel. This is Elizabeth. Elizabeth, Lin [soft voice] Manuel.” And he was so nice to her and he took a photo with her and it was really beautiful moment. And we were walking out those doors down that hallway afterwards. She was really emotional and she went, “I don’t know. I don’t know if I should say this.” And I said, “Elizabeth, say whatever you want.” And she said, “Lin-Manuel Miranda was my first choice.” And I made her wish come true.

We have got a great show tonight ladies and gentlemen. David Byrne is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Jackie Robinson

Ego Nwodim

John Mulaney

Terence Washington… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

[Starts with pictures of black figures and role models] [There’s written ‘Forgotten Figures of Black History.’] [Cut to Ego Nwodim in her set]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: The year was nineteenfortyseven. Baseball was America’s favorite past time. And thanks to one man, it had finally become integrated. Jackie Robinson’s courage on and off the field made a symbol of hope for black America. But sadly, not everyone was happy.

[Cut to a video clip of Jackie Robinson running in the baseball field]

Anchor: And Robinson’s heading the third base. But wait, I think he’s gonna try for home.] [Cut to the audience cheering for Jackie Robinson. Everyone is white except one black man, Terence Washington. He is sitting with his son.]

John: Common, Jackie, you can do it.

Terence: No, no! He ain’t gonna make it.

Anchor: Here comes the throw and he is–

Terence: Out!

Anchor: Safe!

John: There you go, Jackie. That’s the way to get him.

Kyle: Hey, how about three cheers for Jackie?

All: Hurray!

Terence: Psst! Boo!

[Cut back to Ego Nwodim]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: Today on ‘Forgotten Figures of Black History,’ we take a look back at Terence Washington, the first black man to ‘boo’ Jackie Robinson at a baseball game.

[Cut to the audience]

John: Son, did you see the way Jackie flew from second to home? That was–

Terence: Selfish was what it was. Baseball ain’t about hot-dogging. Like the saying goes, slow and steady wins the baseball game.

Mikey: I don’t think that’s the saying at all.

John: What’s with this guy? How could he not like Jackie Robinson?

Kyle: He must be from out of town.

[Cut back to Ego Nwodim]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: Terence Washington was not from out of town. He grew up in Brooklyn, New York and was a life long Dodgers fan up until Jackie Robinson joined the team in nineteenforgyseven. Terence was so upset by Robinson’s arrival, he’d show up to dodgers games and root for the other team.

[Cut to the audience]

Beck: I don’t know. I still say this Robinson guy is all hype.

Terence: Oh, thank you. He gets it.

John: Are you crazy? He’s the best ball player I’ve ever seen.

Terence: What?

Beck: Get out of here.

Kyle: I don’t know about that. What about Joe DiMaggio?

Beck: Or Ted Williams?

Terence: Or Terence Washington.

Mikey: What about the Stan ‘the man’ Musial?

Terence: Or Terence ‘the enlarged heart’ Washington.

John: Wait, who the heck is Terence Washington?

Terence: Hah! You hear this? This chump talking about baseball but he don’t even know Terence ‘the heart murmurs’ Washington.

Beck: I gotta be honest. I don’t know that is either.

Kyle: Is his name ‘the enlarged heart?’ Or ‘the heart murmur?’

Terence: It’s both. And he’s the greatest hitter in Nigro league’s history. Plus he can run faster than a quart of prune juice through a colon.

[Cut back to Ego Nwodim]

TerenceEgo Nwodim: Terence Washington never actually played baseball. Mostly due to his enlarged heart and many heart murmurs. But the people who knew him best say that he had a personal vendetta against Robinson. Ever since his ex-wife mentioned that Jackie was handsome.

[Cut to the audience]

Anchor: Now batting with the bases rolling, Jackie Robinson.

Terence: Oh, I hate him. He ain’t even handsome.

John: Okay, if Robinson gets a hit, dodgers win.

Terence: He ain’t going to get it. He’s going to mess it up.

Mikey: What are you talking about? He’s hitting four for four.

John: Come on, Jackie, you can do it, man.

Terence: No, you can’t. [standing] Boo!

Kyle: Ay, what the hell are you doing?

John: Hey, would you stop booing? Don’t you want to show your kid that he could be whatever he wants?

Terence: [pointing at the kid] I don’t know this kid.

John: Oh, sorry. I thought you did.

Terence: All I want is to be able to enjoy the game and boo people just like everybody else.

John: Okay. But why does it have to be the one black player?

Beck: Oh, oh, so it’s okay to boo a white guys?

John: Yes.

Mikey: Wow!

John: Okay, forget I said anything. I’m not racist. Boo whoever you want. I don’t care.

Terence: You just don’t get it. All my life, I’ve been hearing ‘no.’ No, I can’t eat him. No, I can’t play baseball or I’ll have a heart attack. No, I can’t make this marriage work. No, I can’t give you a haircut that will look like Jackie Robinson. And now I can’t even ‘boo?’ I’m leaving! Nice to meet you little boy!

Kyle: Hey, wait. Buddy, what if we all ‘boo’ Jackie Robinson? Together?

Terence: You’d do that for me?

Kyle: Yeah.

Beck: Sure, buddy.

Mikey: Come on, guys.

All: [in loud voice] Boo! Boo! Boo!

Anchor: At the pitch. Swing, and a miss. Robinson seemed a little distracted.

Terence: We did it!

John: Yeah, you suck, Jackie.

Beck: Yeah, go back to the Negro leagues where you belong.

Terence: Hey, easy man. That’s way too much. Who this kid?

 

Coronavirus Cold Open

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson

Michael Bloomberg… Fred Armisen

Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon

Joe Biden… John Mulaney

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Amy Klobuchar… Rachel Dratch

[Starts with Mike Pence speaking at the White House press conference]

Mike Pence: Thank you all for coming. I’m vice president Mike Pence. [cheers and applause] Most of you know me from the “Even if Trump was removed, we’d still be stuck with Mike Pence.” President Trump as put me in charge of the corona virus even though I don’t believe in [hand gesture quoting] science. And I have to admit this disease has been quite a test of my faith just like dinosaur bones or Timothee Chalamet. But I’m prepared for the challenge. We’ve assembled a very experienced team of some of the best people left in government. Led by one of the most brilliant minds in medicine, Dr. Ben Carson.

[Ben Carson walks in] [cheers and applause]

Ben Carson: Hello. Hello. I’m Ben Carson. You know, the brain surgeon they put in charge of house development. Well, this is something I actually do know about and rest assured in my expert opinion it’s gonna be bad.

Mike Pence: Oh, Ben don’t say that. I asked you here to put people at ease and educate them about the virus.

Ben Carson: Oh! Okie dokie okie. So, here’s what we know so far. It looks like this. [showing a picture of Disney’s Stitch] As you can see from his sharp teeth, he’s a nasty little thing. He’ll bit you.

Mike Pence: Oh, ha-ha, but don’t panic. There are still simple precautions that we can all take like covering your mouth when you cough and as always closing your eyes during intercourse.

Ben Carson: Also, we suggest getting these wonderful ‘Make America Great Again’ masks from the White House website. It may take a couple of months for delivery because they are made in Wuhan, China.

Mike Pence: Alright. Thank you Dr. Carson

Ben Carson: Oh, it’s bad.

Mike Pence: Alright. Thank you. Thank you. The important thing is that now is the time for unity and not the time to politicize this issue. So, let’s take some questions.

[Michael Bloomberg in the press section asks question]

Michael Bloomberg: Yes Mike, Bloomberg. [cheers and applause] Bloomberg news. I have a question.

Mike Pence: What are you doing here? How did you get pass security?

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I just walked in coughing and everybody got out of my way. My question is doesn’t it seem like a good time to have a president who’s competent and capable? Even if that candidate lacks charisma or ability to connect with human beings?

Mike Pence: Mr. Bloomberg, with all due respect, I’m not sure that I understand your question.

[Michael Bloomberg just gets to the podium at which Mike Pence is speaking]

Michael Bloomberg: Okay, let me say it for you in Spanish. [speaking in Spanish language] Am I correcto?

[Elizabeth Warren stands from behind the podium]

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah, I got a question for you Michael Bloomberg. [cheers and applause]

Michael Bloomberg: Senator Warren, what are you doing here?

Elizabeth Warren: Did you really think you’re going to get away from me? It’s my job now. I follow you around, make your life a living hell. I might be fifth in the polls but I’m number one in your nightmares, Mike.

[Joe Biden walks in.]

Joe Biden: Speaking of number one, guess who just kicked butt? [cheers and applause] Guess who just kicked butt in South crackle-barrel?

Mike Pence: Joe Biden? You look different.

Joe Biden: Yeah. The surgery has starting to settle. Now listen folks, if we want to fight Chin cough, we got to be smart. We got to make sure to get new teeth daily. Now, here’s an honest to goodness true story based loosely on fake events. The year was 19-ricky-ticky-tabby. And me and Nelson Mandela were palling around South Africa, green book style. WE have one elephant between us and who do we run into but the ebola monkey. And weird story longer, I wrestled that sucker to mercy. Beep-bap-beep. That’s how I convinced Mandela that why he was okay.

[Bernie Sanders in the press section talks]

Bernie Sanders: Hey! Hey! Wait! Wait a second. Hey, what about me possibly winning the nomination, huh? You gotta admit folks, universal health care doesn’t sound too crazy now, does it?

Mike Pence: Bernie, this is not the time to politicize this issue.

Bernie Sanders: Hey, I’m having the best week of my freaking life. I had a little set back in South Carolina but I’m heading the other polls. Wall Street billionaires are losing their shirts. And best of all, nobody wants to come near me. Much less touch me. I’m in heaven.

Michael Bloomberg: can I speak?

Elizabeth Warren: Hey, sure. Why don’t you start telling us what’s in that NDA?

Michael Bloomberg: Well, I keep telling you it’s nothing. It’s just– I made a little joke to a female employee and she didn’t like it.

Elizabeth Warren: Yeah. What was the joke?

Michael Bloomberg: Alright. Knock, knock.

Elizabeth Warren: Who’s there?

Michael Bloomberg: It’s your boss Mike. Listen, get rid of that baby.

Elizabeth Warren: Oh my god!

Michael Bloomberg: But didn’t you get it?

Mike Pence: [awkwardly] Okay. Why don’t I take a question from a real reporter? You, sir.

[Pete Buttigieg in the press section speaks]

Pete Buttigieg: Yes. [cheers and applause] Hi, I’m actually a mayor Pete Buttigieg. I’m a a candidate too, for the next three days.

[Amy Klobuchar walks in]

Amy Klobuchar: Back off, Buttigieg. [cheers and applause]

Pete Buttigieg: Amy Klobuchar.

Amy Klobuchar: Yeah. The whole moderate from the mid-west stick is mine. So, stay out of my center lane, bitch. I am from Minnesota so I will cut you… in line at Target, son.

Pete Buttigieg: I’m sorry. Son? Don’t treat me like a child. I was mayor.

Amy Klobuchar: Aw! Yes you were. Here. [Amy Klobuchar puts some spit on her thumb and wipes something off Amy Klobuchar’s face with it.] You got a little something there. It’s my spit!

Elizabeth Warren: Look, look, I just want to say two things, America. Number one, we need someone who can handle this, that we can trust. Mayor Bloomberg supports George W. Bush. He supported Lindsey Graham. He funded SARS. He invented traffic. He was responsible for McDonald’s serving spaghetti. he wrote and directed the movie ‘Cats.’ He dumps your bags in the ocean from cargo hold on Spirit Airlines. This is a bad man. Use Purell.

[Bernie Sanders walks to the stage]

Bernie Sanders: No, no, no. No, no, no. No Purell. I got a bottle of that junk and on the label, it says it kills 99.99% germs. What happens to the top 0.01%? Why are we protecting them? I say enough with the potions. Just use good old fashioned bar soap and scalding hot water. I might get in trouble for saying this. But you know who was great at washing his hands? Joseph Stalin. Just saying. Just saying.

Amy Klobuchar: Look. Look. I am not afraid of a little cough. I announce my campaign in a snow storm. I mean, that was insane. A snow storm. Who would do that? I am in it to win it, baby. Ha-ha. I don’t know when to quit. And that might be a problem.

Pete Buttigieg: Can I just mention? I’m the only candidate up here who’s not gonna lose.

Amy Klobuchar: To Trump?

Pete Buttigieg: Oh, no. To the corona virus. You know, you’re all in very high risk demographics.

Bernie Sanders: You wanna talk high risk? I have it on good authority and Pete Buttigieg is a hand cougher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He coughs right into the hand. Not the elbow which we can all agree is not perfect, but it’s at least something. America doesn’t need a hand cougher. They need a president who is old enough to know Typhoid Mary. And one other thing and this goes for all of you.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Airport Sushi

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Bird… Kenan Thompson

Sushi Chef… Cecily Strong

Mouse… Alex Moffat

Air-hostess… Chloe Fineman

Aunt Annie… Kate McKinnon

Baby… Beck Bennett

Jake Gyllenhaal

Mikey Day

Bowen Yang

David Byrne

[Starts with Chris and Pete buying stuffs at airport store.]

Chris: Yeah, I’ll get this Chobani Yogurt with no spoon to eat it with please.

Pete: Yeah, and I’d like a bottle of water that will roll to the back of the plane as soon as we take off.

John: Alright. $15, Dasani water, extra plastic.

Pete: And, you know what? I will grab a sushi too.

[John looks at Pete with shock]

John: I’m sorry?

Pete: The sushi, you know? The spicy tuna roll that’s sitting in on the display case next to the ham and cheese panini.

John: [hesitating] You’re sure you wanna eat the sushi?

Chris: You’re buying sushi at LaGuardia airport? Have you lost your damn mind?

Pete: What? I want a nice balance of carbs and protein. Just sell me the sushi, man.

John: Your wish is my command, Kimasabi. [speaking in loud voice] Oh, phantom of LaGuardia, why don’t you tell this fine young man how he’ll feel after he eats our sushi?

[music playing] [A bird wearing a mask appears.] [The store changes into a performance stage. There’s smoke and lights.]

Bird: [singing] In dreams it’s haunting you
that fish you ate
the expiration date
ends in one-eight
and still you’re choosing it
as food for plane
The Phantom of LeGuardia is there
it smells insane

Sushi Chef: I am the sushi chef
that made that roll
the fish inside of it
crawled out of hole
yet you’re consuming it
this great mistake
you’d honestly be so much better off
eating a Wuhan snake

[music stops]

Chris: Is he supposed to be a pigeon?

John: No. He’s one of the geese that took down Sully’s plane.

Bird: Miracle on the Hudson. More like, massacre in the sky.

Pete: And there’s just a bird loose in the terminal?

John: Of course, there is. Haven’t you been to LaGuardia before?

[music playing] [singing] I like to be at LaGuardia
lots of delays at LaGuardia
two small for planes at LaGuardia

Bird: Watched a man die in LaGuardia

Sushi Chef: Baggage claim carousel cling clang

John: Outlets are there for a cool prank

Sushi Chef: Ha-ha, loose fire hangs from the ceiling
Bird: Gives you a skanky old feeling

[a mouse and an air-hostess join them]

All: I like to be at LaGuardia
It’s time to breathe at LaGuardia
we might have sealed LaGuardia
who can we blame for LaGuardia?

[music stops] [Aunt Annie runs in]

Aunt Annie: I’ll tell you who you can blame.

John: Aunty orphan Annie?

[music playing]

Aunt Annie: When anything’s bad, De Blasio
throw your hands up and say De Blasio
you’ll feel shamed
I know some of it was Mike Bloomberg
but it still feels like De Blasio is to blame

Sushi Chef: Why are there five planes on the tarmic?

Aunt Annie: But the taxis must stay three miles away

All: De Blasio, De Blasio
the cops hate De Blasio
he’ll keep every song away

[music stops]

John: And look, here comes [everyone starts snapping their fingers] a crying baby about to board a trans-continental flight.

[a baby walks in snapping his finger.] [music playing]

Baby: Gu-gu-ga-ga, gu-gu-ga-ga
I’m screaming cry voice
got a stripe rope in my diaper
oh, it’s a stinky stool boy

John: Just play it cool, baby. Real cool.

Baby: If my parents are looking for me, which they’re not, I’ll be in the kid’s playground that’s also a pet relief area. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

John: Wow, they let a baby through security.

[Jake walks in. He’s wearing pajamas.]

Jake: Did someone say security?

[cheers and applause]

John: Hello, guy who travels in pajamas.

Jake: That’s right. I dress so that TSA could have easy access to my body.

[music playing]

So, if you care to search me
I’ll spread my legs real wife

I’ll even bend over for you
you can take a peek inside

[Jake starts levetating]

you can tell that I enjoy security
you can search way up in my cavity
you can pack me down
you don’t have to use the front of your hands

[music stops]

John: Okay, Jesus. We get it. You can continue on to Cleveland now.

Jake: How did you know I was going to Cleveland?

John: That’s where everyone at LaGuardia is going, like it or not.

[Jake levetates away] [Mikey is announcing from the United Express booth.]

Mikey: Attention, we have  gate change for passengers going to Cleveland. Your old gate was A-7. Your new gate is G-46. It is physically impossible for you to make it to that gate in time and the plane will leave indeed. Thank you.

Pete: Man, I told you we should have left at JFK.

[Bowen walks in. He’s an Asian wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Ha-ha. And I guess I should have stayed home.

[John moves away from him screaming]

Oh, relax! I’m not sick. I’m just…

[music playing] profiled Asian
standing beside you
if I cough then it’s over
you’ll get off the plane
profiled Asian
no, I wasn’t in “Parasite”
I know the virus is bad but
it’s coming from Italy too

[music stops]

Chris: Man, this airport is it’s own world.

John: Yes. A third world.

[David walks in. He is a baggage handler.]

David: And if you stay here long enough, you will learn the mysteries of LaGuardia.

John: Wow, it’s the baggage handler who tosses everyone’s suitcase into Long Island sound.

David: That’s right. And you should know that…

[music playing]

All: We’re on a plane to nowhere
hop on in side

they say it’s about to take off
but that is a lie
sure, it will start to taxi
but then it comes back
we’re on a road to one motel
overnight, let’s go find

Sitcom Reboot

Mara Schultz… Cecily Strong

Jay Paultodd… John Mulaney

[Starts with Hollywood Update intro]

Male voice: Welcome to Hollywood Update. You’re in a hotel and you’ve just turned on the TV and this is happening.

[Cut to Mara in her set]

Mara: It’s official, Hollywood has reboot fever. “Roseanne”, “Will & Grace”, “Full House”, “Murphy Brown”, you think, they’ve done them all. But there’s one more sitcom returning to the small screen. 1987’s “Switcheroo”. I’m here with that show’s creator, Jay Paultodd.

[Jay is sitting beside Mara]

Jay: Such a pleasure.

Mara: Jay, for those too young to remember, describe the original “Switcheroo”.

Jay: Well, Switcheroo was a family show about a father and son who switched bodies. You know? But really, it was about so much more.

Mara: Let’s take a look.

[Cut to Switcheroo intro song]

Intro song: You thought being a kid was pretty tough
You thought being a dad was too
then a witch came along, did a magic spell
and now we got a switcheroo

no one knows our secret
guess we’ll have to keep it
what they gonna do?
it’s a switcheroo

Dad goes to school
son goes to work
and the son has sex with the mom

What you gonna do?
it’s a switcheroo!

[Cut back to Mara and Jay]

Mara: The show was not popular. Why do you think that is?

Jay: I think viewers expected us to focus on a different aspect of the Switcheroo. You know, perhaps seeing the son trying to work at his dad’s office as an astronaut and the dad trying to make the son’s football team. Instead, we focused exclusively on the sexual ramification of the Switcheroo. Let’s watch a clip.

Mara: Oh, we don’t we have to.

Jay: No. Roll it.

[Cut to a clip from Switcheroo. A grown man wearing kiddish clothes comes in home on a skatevoard]

Beck: What’s up?

Mom: Honey, where have you been all day?

Beck: I went on a shopping spree with dad’s– I mean, my credit card.

Mom: Well, you remember, it’s Wednesday.

Beck: Oh, yeah. Macaroni night.

Mom: No. It’s our night to try.

[Mom hold’s Beck’s hand and tries to take him to the bedroom]

Beck: Oh, my god.

[Video stops]

Song: What you gonna do, it’s a switcheroo!

[Cut to Mara and Jay]

Mara: Now, the original Switcheroo didn’t talk much about politics, but 2018 reboot dives right in.

Jay: We felt we had to. I guess the opening shot is a close up of a newspaper that says, “Trump is president.” And then we widen out and we’re like, forget all that. And then the mom switcheroos with the dog and I don’t need to tell you what happens next.

Mara: Was it hard to get the original cast to get back together?

Jay: Well, we couldn’t get everyone. You know, little Andy Cunan who played the son, he’s left the business. And the rest of the cast, well, I see almost every week in group. Dr. Gross says it’s important for me to be there so they can confront me.

Mara: Why put everyone through this again?

Jay: I think you’re asking me why I like to make America laugh. Well, Like most artists, I’m a product of my influences. “I love Lucy”, “Dick Van Dyke”, “My Mom Who Would Wash My Penis With Scalding Hot Water.” And of course, “Mad Magazine.”

Mara: The show is set in St. Louis but due to legal reasons, you shot it in Port-au-Prince.

Jay: Yeah. For a few weeks, and then even the Hasians were like, “No dice.” It was so weird. A general walked into my office in full military epaulettes and he said in thick patois, I won’t do the voice. Well I’ll do the voice a little. He said, “No money can make me forget god’s laws.” And that’s why we’re here now in studio 1-A on hundred Switcheroo avenue, Jones Town, Guyana.

Mara: Any other surprises or the reboot?

Jay: Well, for the first time ever, we’re pleased to announce a crossover episode.

Mara: With who?

Jay: Date Line.

Mara: Okay. Thanks for being with us, Mr. Paultodd. And I wanna tell our viewers that while he left after the clips, during them, he stared at me with no expression.

Jay: I make a lot of people very happy.

Mara: Goodnight.

[The End]

National School Walkout

Mr. H… Kenan Thompson

Gerald… John Mulaney

Meghan… Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Pete Davidson

Lance… Alex Moffat

Principal Anderson… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mr. H talking to a class.]

Mr. H: Alright, class. I know you’re all participating in today’s walkout. I just wanna say, I support you.

Gerald: Thanks, Mr. H. We’re gonna join millions of students who are standing up for what’s right.

Meghan: Gerald, it’s been so cool organizing our school’s protest with you.

Gerald: Yeah. I had a great time with you too, Meghan.

Meghan: Yeah. I think we make a great team.

[Meghan rub’s Gerald’s shoulder.]

Gerald: Oh, no. Don’t make the eye contact and rub the shoulder at once. Okay. [looks down at his pants. He gets a boner.] It’s happening.

Kyle: It’s 12 o’clock. Everybody stand up.

[Everyone stands up.]

Gerald: No, wait. Maybe we shouldn’t stand up right now.

Heidi: You don’t wanna stand up against gun violence?

Gerald: Not at this specific moment. When I’m wearing my shorts.

Meghan: Gerald, what’s wrong? We had a plan [everyone takes seat] Let’s do just like you said. Let’s stand tall and walk out leading with our pelvis.

Gerald: I hate that I was so specific. Okay, new idea. Instead of doing a walkout, how about we do a lie down?

Luke: A lie down? How does that work?

Gerald: Well, to protest, we all face down on the floor and then we writhe around a little until it’s gone.

Mr. H: Kids, I don’t know what ‘s going on with Gerald, but I thought the room would be empty by now. And I timed my e-cig break for the walkout. So, walk out.

[Gerald looks at his pants again]

Gerald: Wait, I think my problem’s going away.

Luke: That’s great man!

[Luke taps on Gerald’s shoulder]

Gerald: And it’s back. And I learned something about myself.

Aidy: I think it’s pretty clear what’s going on with Gerald.

Gerald: Oh, on. What have you got? Like, a side view or something?

Aidy: Gerald thinks that the media has been giving all the coverage to white schools.

Gerald: Oh, yes. I like this. Yes.

Aidy: Ignoring the people of color who face violence at higher incidents.

Gerald: Yes, they do face that. Keep talking. This is good. This is good.

Aidy: Great! Then, Gerald, you lead this dialog on race. Stand up without holding books or jackets in front of you and you march straight down to Thurgood Marshall Public High and you say, “Fellas, I know this thing is hard and upsetting and it’s pretty darn crooked, but if we roll up our sleeves, we can beat it together.”

Gerald: [shaking his head] I’m gonna pass.

Kate: Listen, friends. I know I’m just a foreign exchange student but Sweden, we have no guns, no shootings and no sunlight. We sit year around in total darkness eating fish that is rotten on purpose. So, America should just become like Sweden. And ice covered nation of 1,200 people and one giant.

Meghan: Anyway, come on, guys. If we don’t band together, what’s next? Training teachers to use firearms?

Mr. H: Okay. I’ll get right on that. In addition to teaching history, gym and then driving you all home on the bus, I’m spread so thin, I’ve had to teach myself to micro nap. [Mr. H takes a micro nap, snoring, wakes up in few seconds.] Seat belts!

[Heidi stands]

Heidi: [acting very furious] Isn’t anyone worried that this walkout could go us in trouble? This could go on my permanent record.  I won’t get into an Ivy League school. My mother will disown me because I’m not my perfect sister who died. [smiling and talking calmly] And that’s the monologue I’m using to audition for the theater program at Connecticut College in New London.

[Everybody clapping]

Gerald: Look, guys, I support the walkout. Just not today.

Pete: Yeah, I gotta agree. Nobody told me this was happening in 4-20. And frankly, I’m double booked.

Lance: I know why Gerald’s sitting. Coz he’s not a snowflake.

Gerald: Oh, no, Lance.

Lance: Yes, Lance. Equal time. I’ll never forget the first time my old man took me hunting. I was such a baby. I wanted to stay home wrapping towel around my waist to play lady restaurant. Instead, he dragged me weeping into the woods and made me stand there in the rain holding an AR-15 until I turned a gopher into red dust. Two years later, when I finally spoke again, I said, “Guns.”

[Mr. H looks shocked]

Mr. H: Lance, would you like to see the counselor?

Lance: Oh, yeah.

[Lance walks out]

Meghan: Gerald, come on. Do you really wanna leave policy up to a bunch of old white guys?

Gerald: No. I don’t even like old people. I don’t think they should be allowed to vote. I mean, I don’t mean to cause trouble but you don’t get to order for the table if you’re about to leave the restaurant.

Kyle: That’s ageist! That really offends me. I work at a home for the elderly. And I go every Tuesday. And I hold their frail hands. And some of them, their skin is paper thin. Their cartilage like firm jelly. And underneath, you can feel their bones.

Gerald: [looking down at his pants] Oh, keep going. The problem’s going away. Okay. We can walk in three, two– Oh! Hi, principal Anderson.

Principal Anderson: Every other classroom is outside. What’s going on in here?

Gerald: Sorry, I had to delay us a little bit.

[Principal Anderson walks to Gerald]

Principal Anderson: Oh, so you’re the trouble maker, huh? You’re the little bad boy. Huh?

Gerald: Oh! It sits back with a vengence.

Principal Anderson: You’re the naughty, naughty, naughty, nasty– Hold on. I got to step on this bug with my stiletto heels.

Gerald: And it took care of itself the other way. Alright, let’s walk out, everybody.

[The End]

John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. [cheers and applause] That is a very weird thing to say. I was a writer here for five years. Some of the best years of my life. And to be hosting here to just surreal. I mean, I used to write monologues for the host. Now, I’m up here, I get to give the monologue. I get to introduce the musical guest. I mean that’s incredible. The best intro by the way I ever saw of SNL host with musical guest was sir Patrick Stewart, okay? Sir Patrick Stewart was introducing the musical guest and this is how he did it. He went, “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt and [loud voice] Pepper!” Like he was surprised by pepper. Like, minutes before, they’ve been like, “We can’t find Pepper anywhere,” and he was like, “If we must go on with Salt alone, we will go on with Salt alone.” And they were like, “Three, two, one,” and pepper burst through the door and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt and what’s this? [loud voice] Pepper!” It was the best time. It was an innocent time, you know? When I was younger, I thought that the world was going to be simple and nice. But now, at the end of my life, I’m not so sure. I’m getting grumpy which I don’t like. Like, I don’t like any new songs. I don’t like any new songs. Coz every new song is about how tonight is the night and how we only have tonight. That’s the message in 90% of songs. That’s such 19 year old garbage. I wanna write songs for people in their 30s called, “Tonight’s no good. How about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Houston on Wednesday? Oh, okay. Well, let’s not just see each other for six months and it doesn’t matter at all.”

I tried to stay polite. I’m overly polite apparently, my wife says. And when my wife and I walk down the street, we have totally different styles. When she walks down the street, she does not care what anyone thinks about her in any situation. She’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I want everyone to like me so much, it’s exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me was like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing.

People ask us if we’re gonna have children. We don’t have any. And so, we say no. They go, “Never? You’re never gonna have kids?” And I’m like, “I don’t know never. Look, 14 years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change.”

Strange, the passage of time. I like old fashion things. You know? I was in Connecticut recently doing white people stuff and– really, okay. And one day in Connecticut, it doesn’t matter why but I was sitting in a gazebo. There was a plaque on the gazebo and it said, “This gazebo was built by the town in 1863.” That’s in the middle of the civil war. And they built a gazebo. How did that town meeting work? They were like, “Alright, everyone. First order of business, we have all the telegrams from the Gettysburg with the war dead. Let’s see here. Okay, everyone’s husband and brother and everyone died. Okay. Josiah, you had something?” “Yes, I do. How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once? Ever walking through the park with your betrothed and it starts to rain but you still wanna hold hands? Well, may I introduce you to and my condolences again to everyone, the gazebo!” Building a gazebo during the civil war would be like doing standup comedy now.

They used to do weird slow leisurely activities coz they didn’t have enough to do. So, they had to fill the dead. Back then you woke up and you were like, “Oh god, it’s the old days. I gotta wear all those layers. We got to think of some weird slow activities to fill the time,” and they did. Have you ever seen an old film from the past of people like, waving at a ship? [John Mulaney is waving his hand like he’s waving to ship that’s already gone] What if I called you now to do that? “Hey, what are you doing Monday? There’s a Norwegian Cruise line leaving for Martinique at around 10 AM. Here’s my plan. We get very dressed up including hats and we wave handkerchiefs at the ship till it disappears over the horizon. No, I don’t know anyone on the ship.”

Everything’s fast now and it’s totally unreasonable. The world is run by computers. The world is run by robots. And sometimes they ask us if we’re a robot just coz we’re trying to log on and look at our own stuff. Multiple times a day. [acting like he’s logging into his computer] May I see my stuff please? “Umm. I smell a robot. Bro. Prove! Prove! Prove you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters, much curvier than most letters wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look mortal if it be. You look and you type what you think you see. Is it an E? Or is it a 3? That’s up to you. The passwords have passed, you’ve correctly guessed. But now it’s time for the robot test. I devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?” What? You spend a lot of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. Jack White is here. Stick around. We’ll be right back.

Horns

Doctor… John Mulaney

Lucian… Luke Null

Trina… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a doctor speaking to his patient]

Doctor: Well, Lucian, you’ve come to the right place. I know this was a hard decision but I think your life is gonna be a lot better once we remove your horn implant.

[Lucian has horns implanted on his forehead as a bodymodification. He has his lips and ears pierced too.]

Lucian: Yeah. It’ll just be nice to have a flat forehead again. It’s been so long since I’ve slept on my face.

Doctor: As soon as you’re comfortable, we can schedule the surgery.

Lucian: Um, Im’ sorry, I haven’t told my girlfriend yet. Can she come in here even if she doesn’t have insurance?

Doctor: Of course.

Lucian: Sweet. [shouting out] Trina!

[Trina walks in. He has her hair dyed green]

Trina: Why are we in a doctor’s office, Lucian? Am I pregnant?

Lucian: No, babe. You can’t get pregnant from the sex we have. Sit down.

Trina: Oh. That’s what I thought. But then I was like, maybe? I don’t know.

Lucian: Trina, the reason that you’re here is because I’m thinking about getting rid of my horns. Having them removed.

Trina: What? Did you just say you’re getting your horns removed?

Lucian: Yeah.

Trina: Why?

Lucian: Well, you know how I can’t get any jobs anywhere?

Trina: Yeah.

Lucian: I think the horns are why.

Trina: You do?

Doctor: I’d have to agree. They’re terrible. I think if Lucian wants to remove his horns, we should support him.

Trina: Wait. Are the horns like, hurting him medically?

Doctor: No. They’re not hurting him. They just make him look like he has a bad past.

Lucian: And I wanna get rid of em’, Trina, okay? Like, you know how your dad and your brother won’t speak to me?

Trina: Yeah.

Lucian: I think it’s because I’m a human with horns.

Trina: You do?

Lucian: I do. They don’t like it.

Doctor: Most people mistrust men with horns.

Trina: Okay. I’m sorry. Where did you do your doctor degree thing?

Doctor: I attended Harvard medical.

Trina: Is that good? I don’t know. It sounds sketched to me. Okay, so wait. Like, if you get your horns removed then what else are you changing?

Lucian: Nothing. I’m keeping my gazes. My eyebrows are staying gone. The nine volt battery that’s inside my nose where the cartilage used to be, staying.

Doctor: Oh, god!

Trina: So, I mean, what? Are you just gonna have your calf holes sewn up too? Or?

Lucian: Babe, I’m keeping my calf holes open, okay? You’ll still be able to see bone.

Trina: What about tissue?

Lucian: Yeah. You’ll be able to see all the meat inside my leg, I promise.

Doctor: May we pause for a second. You calves are just an open wound?

Trina: Argh! It’s just gonna be so weird with you not having horn.

Doctor: I’m sorry, you didn’t answer me. Your bone and muscles are visible via calf hole?

Lucian: The horns are just a lot, Trina. Like, you know how that goat at the petting zoo kept trying to challenge me?

Trina: Yeah.

Lucian: I think it’s because he thought I was a rival goat coz I have horns.

Trina: You do?

Lucian: Yes.

Trina: I don’t know. I mean, I’m trying to understand.

Lucian: Are you trying to understand, Trina? Because I understood when you got your butt cheeks removed as a joke.

Trina: Excuse me? I did that as a prank. Okay? If I would have done it alone, it would have been a joke. But I had my mom watch, so it’s a prank. Thank you.

Doctor: Okay. I gotta cut in here again. You got your butt cheeks removed as a joke?

Trina: As a prank! I’m sorry. Where did you go to school?

Doctor: Harvard. I’ve told you this.

Trina: [sigh] I’m sorry. I forgot. I mean, my whole life is about to change. [Trina pulls out a spray paint] Do you mind if I do a bad?

Doctor: I’d ask that you not huff paint in my office. [Trina gets upset] It’s not me. It’s the building. Look, 75% of people who get fake horns end up having them removed within six months.

Trina: So, that means the other 25% get more horn put in?

Doctor: No. That’s not at all what I’m saying. It’s very stupid that you would think that.

Trina: Oh! I’m just imagining you with no horns. It’s pissing me off. You’re gonna look like banker.

Doctor: No. He’s not. Even without the horns, he’ll still be a walking disaster. He’s what we in plastic surgery call completely ruined.

Lucian: See?

Trina: Okay, fine. But you’ll keep everything else?

Lucian: I’m keeping everything else.

Trina: Are you gonna keep your butt crack a zipper?

Lucian: Hey.

Trina: Are you?

Lucian: You have my word.

Doctor: May I see your calf holes?

Drag Brunch

Gary… Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Cecily Strong

Waitress. John Mulaney

[Starts with four friends sitting in a restaurant]

Gary: So wait, hold on. This is a drag brunch?

Aidy: Yes. Yes. The waiters are in drag and they say catty things to you. It’s fun.

Pete: Yeah. And they have bottomless mimosas. What could be better than that?

Cecily: Oh, look. Here comes our waitress.

[A waitress walks in. She is wearing pink uniform.]

Waitress: Good morning, bitches. The good lord named me Tony Pockets and I’ll be your server-ess.

Gary: Hi, Tony.

Pete: This might be more fun than I thought.

Waitress: Might be. And you might the worst lay in the history. At lest according to that bag of lotion and what it said. Okerr? [everyone laughing] And you miss thang, wow! [looking at Cecily] Canel street called and wants that fake ass Chanel purse back immediately.

Cecily: [laughing] OMG, this purse is fake Chanel. See, it says Charnel.

Waitress: Yes, queen. That bag is as fake as my orgasms. Trust! [looking at Aidy] And somebody best keep calling the fire department about this one coz that smoky eye situation has become a stop, drop and roll one.

Aidy: [laughing] She got me.

All: [pointing at Gary] Do him. Do him.

[Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes]

Waitress: You’ve never worked for anything in your life. You’ve had everything handed to you. One thing you haven’t been able to purchase is a personality. And a soul. [leaves Gary ands stands back] Alright bitches, I’m gonna sashy away and grab them mimosas.

[Waitress walks away]

Pete: Guys, this is pretty fun.

Gary: Is it?

Aidy: Oh, Gary, come on. You’re not upset, are you?

Gary: No. It’s just that with you guys she was really superficial. And then with me, she got dark. It was like there was no joy in her eyes.

Pete: Gary. Get over it.

Cecily: Yeah. That is what drag queens do, okay? They throw shade. They read beads. It’s just part of the whole experience.

Gary: Okay, yeah. I’m sorry. Maybe I’m being too sensitive.

Aidy: Oh, here she comes again.

[Waitress walks in with two drinks, one in each of her hands.]

Waitress: I’m back, kitty girls. Oh, sure, damn! There’s four of you and I only brought two. [to Cecily] Well, I made you extra strong coz you’re gonna have to rub front with that thirsty troll. [to Aidy] Also, I called 911 to help out with the tragedy that is that smoky eye situation.

Aidy: She will not let go of my smoky eye.

Pete: Yo, don’t forget about Gary.

[Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes]

Waitress: When was the last time someone smiled coz you walked into a room? I can’t imagine anyone driving joy from seeing such an overprivileged husk of a shallow human being. [leaves Gary ands stands back] Okerr! I’m gonna be back with some menus.

[Waitress walks away. Everyone’s laughing except Gary.]

Gary: What? I don’t get it. I’m a nice guy. People like me. And it has nothing to do with my godfather being Dyson Vacuum guy.

Pete: Oh, Gary. She’s just teasing.

Gary: No. She hates me. Look.

[Cut to Waitress staring at Gary with angry face from far] [Cut to everyone]

Cecily: Gary, you have to take what she’s saying with a grain of salt.

Gary: It just seems that the grains of salt that she’s giving me are coarser than those being served to you.

Aidy: Oh, Gary. You don’t have a poetic mind. You shouldn’t try to speak in metaphors.

Pete: Yeah, Gary. Just enjoy her sass.

Gary: Oh, my god. Here she comes. I’m not sure how much more I can take. Seriously, I might cry.

Cecily: Already? Okay. But then, that’s it for the day.

[Waitress walks in with the menus]

Waitress: Got you menus you hungry, hungry whores. [Waitress leans towards Gary and looks deep into his eyes] And you. I know you’re used to everything just being handed to you but not today, Gary Watson.

Gary: Wait. How do you know my full name?

Waitress: Don’t you recognize me?

Gary: Um, no.

Waitress: Does this help? [She takes off her wig. Actually he’s a man. He takes off his fake breasts too.] Now?

Gary: No.

Waitress: Okay. What if I do this?

[Waitress takes off his glasses and wipes his lipstick.]

Gary: Milton Saunders?

Milton: Correct. I was your intern over five years ago. You scolded me over a lunch order when I worked for you at Golden Sachs. Well, guess what? I’m a junior VP at Credit Suisse now.

Gary: Wait, then why are you working here?

Milton: My friend owns the restaurant and told me you were coming.

Gary: Wait. So, you got into full drag just to insult me?

Milton: Correct.

Gary: But it must have taken like, two hours to get in all this.

Milton: Four. Contouring takes a while if you’re new to it. Anyway, I accept your apology.

Gary: I didn’t say I was sorry.

Milton: Now, does everyone know what they like to order?

Cecily: Wait. You’re still gonna take our order?

Milton: Yes. The agreement was that I would work a whole shift. So, what you bitches wanna eat?

Gary: Okay. I guess I’ll have the breakfast burrito with the sour cream, one the side, please. Don’t mess it up like five years ago.

Milton: Yes, sir. Immediately sir. Dammit!

Diner Lobster

Waiter… John Mulaney

Waitress… Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Chris Red

Lobster… Kenan Thompson

Clausette… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Pete and Chris in Big Nick’s Greek Diner for a meal.]

Waiter: Did you two order yet?

Pete: No.

Chris: No.

Waiter: Did you two carve gang signs into the baby changing station?

Pete and Chris: Yeah.

Waiter: Alright. What do you want to eat?

Chris: Yeah. I’ll have the grilled cheese deluxe and can I get a salad instead of the fries, please?

Waiter: Yeah. Sure thing. One grilled cheese, vagina style. Great! How about you, Pal?

Pete: You know what? I’ll have the lobster

[Waiter is shocked]

Waiter: Excuse me?

Pete: The lobster special.

Chris: Did you just order a lobster in a diner?

Pete: Yeah. Why?

Chris: Because it’s a diner. No one orders lobster in a diner. The whole seafood section is on the menu as a joke, man. I mean, seafood! The word ‘seafood’ is in quotes.

Pete: I’m in the mood for lobster, okay? I won my lawsuit against bumble for getting zero matches. And I wanna celebrate.

Waiter: But the lobster, you sure that you want the lobster?

Pete: I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s on the menu. I’ll have the damn lobster.

Chris: Just don’t do it.

Waiter: [in sad voice] As you wish. Alright, everyone, the time has come. We’ve got an order here for one lobster.

[music playing] [A huge aquarium is pulled out of curtains. There is Kenan dressed as a lobster inside.]

Kenan: [singing] Who am I?
and why am I condemned to boil alive?
when all that I have done is live my life

Waiter: And why would someone on a whim
choose from all to order him

[pointing at Pete] Who’s this guy?

[Pete is laughing hard]

Kenan: I thought that there was an unspoken rule
that lobster in a diner is never cool
a diner’s menu is way too long
and half the things are way too wrong

[Waitress is standing behind Pete and Chris. She surprises them by singing.]

Waitress: Must he die
how can you ever face his lobster friends?
how can you ever face yourself again?

monster

Kenan: I’ve lived here 40 years, I know
an age that lobsters never grow
and in that time there’s been no one to order any crustaceans

Who am I?

Waiter, Kenan and Waitress: Lobster number one.

[Chris is clapping for them]

Chris: I mean, you can’t eat the lobster now, man! They just sang their song, bro.

Waiter: I’m sorry, dude. I’m more of a mean girls guy. [winks at the camera] On broadway now.

Chris: Wait, what’s happening right now?

[a girl lobster walks in]

Clausette: Papa?

Kenan: Clausette? Oh, what are you doing here?

Clausette: There’s something I wanted to tell you, papa.

[music playing] [singing] Father now they want you dead
let me go in your place instead
whether it’s boiled, steamed or blacked
Off to the great tank in the sky

Kenan: No, Clausette. I can’t make you do that. It’s not your time. It’s mine.

Clausette: [weeping] I love you, papa.

Kenan: Oh, I love you too. Now, run. Run from this place.

[Clausette runs out]

Chris: Oh, the little baby lobster man! Just change your order, dude!

Pete: Hey! They put it on the menu. I’m calling their bluff.

Waiter and Kenan: Form the barricade.

Chris: Wait, there’s a barricade?

[two people pull out a cart full of lobster cages]

Pete: This diner has incredible set design.

Waiter: [singing] Will you join in our crusade to keep the lobster from the pot?
Waitress: Will you drop the massacre raid and give him a shot?

Kenan: Then join in the pipe that will give us the right to be free

[Four other performs walk in dancing]

All: Do you hear the lobster scream
screaming the scream of scalding flames
it is a screaming of a lobster

[pointing at Pete. He is dancing to the song.] And this dummy’s here to blame

When the churning in your bowels
matches the burning of his shell
you’ll know why lobster in a diner never sell

Lobsters, you don’t order them in diners.

Pete: Alright. Alright. Alright. Forget he lobster. I’ll have the tuna melt instead.

Everyone: Yay!