Tag: Mikey Day

Homework Hotline

Mr. Lenard… Charles Barkley

Bobo

Pat… Aidy Bryant

Puppeteer… Mikey Day

[Starts with Channel 6 video bumper]

Female voice: Channel 6, public cable television authority, Fountain Valley, California.

[Cut to Homework Hotline book at a bookshelf.]

Female voice: Welcome to Homework Hotline. If you’re in grades 1 through 6 and need help with your homework, call the number on your screen now.

[Zooms out. There’s Mr. Lenard sitting in front of the bookshelf with a puppet.]

Mr. Lenard: Hey, students. I’m Mr. Lenard here with my study buddy Bobo.

Bobo the puppet: And we’re here to help you with your homework. Call now! [kisses Mr. Lenard’s shoulder]

Mr. Lenard: Looks like somebody’s already calling in. First caller, what do you need help with today?

Caller: Hi. My name is Kevin and my question is when you and Bobo have sex, who’s on top and who’s on bottom? Ha-ha!

Mr. Lenard: Hang up on this idiot! Get a life.

Bobo the puppet: How rude!

Mr. Lenard: Yes, Bobo. He’s very rude. Everyday with this turkey nonsense about me and Bobo. Knock it off. Pat, you’re supposed to screen these calls. How are these turkeys getting through?

[Cut to Patty]

Patty: Well, they lie to me and the lord will judge them for it.

[Cut to Mr. Lenard]

Mr. Lenard: Well, try little harder, please. Next caller, what’s stomping you today?

Caller: Hi, I’m Whitney. I’m doing the geography worksheet and I can’t find some places.

Mr. Lenard: Geography? Oh, we need a globe for that.

Bobo the puppet: The globe!

Mr. Lenard: What are we looking for, Whitney?

Caller: This should be easy coz I think Bobo was just there last night. Where is Ballsdeep, USA?

Mr. Lenard: Ballsdeep, USA? Let me see. I know there’s a Balltown in Iowa. Bobo, were you in Ballsdeep last night?

Bobo the puppet: Um, I think this might be another prank call.

Mr. Lenard: Oh, I get it now. Hang up on this turkey.

Bobo the puppet: Shame on you.

Mr. Lenard: You guys think this is funny? Look at my face. I’m not laughing.

Bobo the puppet: I know what will cheer you up. Hugs and kisses. [Bobo the puppet kisses all over Mr. Lenard’s shoulder]

Mr. Lenard: Maybe you should stop with the hugs and kisses. There’s a bunch of YouTube videos of you hugging me with porn music tied in.

Bobo the puppet: But Bobo loves hugs and kisses.

[Bobo the puppet kisses all over Mr. Lenard’s shoulder]

Mr. Lenard: I’m serious, dude! [Mr. Lenard pushes Bobo the puppet away harshly]

[the puppeteer comes out of the table]

Puppeteer: Don’t do that again.

Mr. Lenard: Pat, do we have real callers on the phone line?

[Cut to split screen with Patty and Mr. Lenard]

Patty: Well, we have a student named Harry Perra Testies.

Mr. Lenard: No. Next.

Patty: Alright. Well, we have Ryan who is doing a history report on the Mexican outlaw, dirty Sanchez.

Mr. Lenard: Absolutely not. Next?

Patty: Okay. Well, we have Matthew. He’s calling about the atomic weights of elements.

Mr. Lenard: Yes. Hello, Matthew.

Caller: Hey, Mr. Lenard. Hi, Bobo. Those crank callers have way too much time on their hnds.

Mr. Lenard: I agree, Matthew. I like you. What’s your problem?

Caller: So, I have to like, figure out the total atomic weight in an element equation.

Bobo the puppet: Oh! We can use our periodic table!

Mr. Lenard: That’s right, Bobo. Let’s go to the mount cam.

[Cut to the paper Mr. Lenard is using to solve the equation. Mr. Lenard’s first camera view is at the bottom left of the screen.]

What’s the equation, Matthew?

Caller: Um, boron oxygen. [Mr. Lenard writes BO] Then another boron oxygen sulphur. [Mr. Lenard writes BOS] Then cobalt and carbon. [Mr. Lenard writes COC. Altogether, he has written “BOBOS COC”.]

Mr. Lenard: Hold up second. Is the next one potassium?

Caller: Yeah.

Bobo the puppet: Oh! Potassium is K.

Mr. Lenard: Hang up on this liar! Get a life! The caller lines are closed. Lets do one from email.

Patty: Okay. Travis who is in second grade writes, “Did you know that if you rub your pant leg, you can generate static electricity that will make your hair stick up.”

Mr. Lenard: Yes, Travis. That is called friction charges the electrons. Let’s try it Bobo. Rub my pant let.

Bobo the puppet: Okay.

[It looks like Bobo the puppet is helping Mr. Lenard with masturbation.]

Mr. Lenard: A little faster, Bobo.

Bobo the puppet: Is it working?

Mr. Lenard: Um, you know what? This might be another prank. Well, that’s the end of the show. Zero kids helped with their homework. Patty, who’s our viewer of the day?

Patty: Well, today’s viewer of the day if 5th grader Ron Wisley who lives in Herminis Bush, California.

Mr. Lenard: Patty, use your head, Woman!

[Cut to Homework Hotline video bumper]

[The End]

Stranger Things 3

11… Natalie Portman

Mike… Mikey Day

14… Beck Bennett

9… Cecily Strong

5.. Pete Davidson

Luke Null

18… Aidy Bryant

50… Leslie Jones

3… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Stranger Things 3 video bumper]

[Cut to 11 and Mike walking in a room]

11: Come on, Mike. It’s safe in here.

Mike: But El, what is this place?

11: Mama said there would be others here like me. That’s what mama said.

Mike: So, like, your mom?

11: No. Mama.

Mike: Oh, hey, while we’re waiting, do you want to do those kisses? Like, from season 2?

11: This doesn’t seem like the time, Mike.

Mike: Yeah, totally. I was thinking we should wait too. I’m not like, crazy horny or anything. Oh, look out!

[There’s 14 pointing a gun at them. He has long brown hair and he is wearing a leather jacket.]

14: Don’t move!

[11 uses her power to take the gun away from 14. Her nose is bleeding.]

Mike: Whoa! So, cool. Should we celebrate? Like, with a kiss or some over the jeans stuff?

11: Mike, not now.

[14 walks near 11]

Who are you?

14: I’m special, like you.

11: I’m 11. [showing her mark on her hand] I can move objects with my mind but it gives me tiny nose bleeds.

14: I’m 14. [showing his mark on his hand] I can start fires with my mind but every time I do, I throw up a little bit in my mouth. Watch! [14 pulls out a candle and lights it just looking at it. As soon as there’s a spark, 14 pukes in his mouth.]

11: Mama was right. There are more like me than I thought.

Mike: It must be so disorienting. Should we kiss?

[9 walks in. She has punk hair.]

9: There are lot more like you. I’m 9. I can read people’s minds but if I do, it makes me fart.

11: Oh, really? Well, then what am I thinking now?

9: [looking at 11] You’re worried that I’m gonna fart. [farts loud]

[5 walks in. He has blonde long hair.]

5: And I’m 5. I could run really fast like the flash but every time I do, I get a boner. So, I have to stop running to hide the boner. It’s not a good power. I’ve been kicked out the track team twice. But um– Oh, hey, it looks like your friend Mike has the same power.

[Mike hides his boner]

Mike: What? No!

11: Mike!

Mike: What? It’s not. No! That’s a flashlight in case we get lost.

9: Someone’s lying. [farts loud]

11: What sick twisted mad man created us?

[There’s Luke standing in the dark folding his hands.]

Luke: I don’t know. But when we find him, he’s gonna have to deal with me.

11: What’s to you do?

Luke: Oh, I make fantastic chilly but the only downside is my brain starts bleeding.

11: Okay, we don’t need to see that.

[Luke is near a stove, where there are utensils. He starts cooking and crying. His head is bleeding.]

Luke: [groaning] Chilly’s done!

[18 comes in]

18: I’ll take some of that.

11: Wait, who are you?

18: Well, I’m 18. My power is I can do a pretty good Borat impression. But if I do it, then I go into a coma for 2 days.

11: Oh, well, then you don’t need to do that impressoin.

18: Are you sure? It’s pretty good.

Mike: Well, I mean, now I kind of want to see it.

18: Yeah, you made the right choice. [doing Borat impression] My wife! [18 falls down immediately]

Mike: These people… These people might be scarier than the shadow monster.

9: Hey, careful who you judge. [farts loud]

11: Get out of our heads!

9: Oh, no, no, no. That was just a regular one. I’m sorry. I have unrelated IBS.

[50 walks in. She has orange hair.]

50: And I’m 50.

11: What? What’s your power?

50: I’m just 50 years old. I have good credit. I own my own condo. And I can leg-press 375. So take that, you dumb kids. [50 walks away. She takes the pot where Luke cooks the chilly.] And I’m taking this chilly. Ou, it’s hot!

11: I want all of you to come with me. Alone, you’re freaks. But together, we’re family. And we can defeat the shadow monster once and for all.

[3 walks in. He has white hair.]

3: Well, count me in. I’m 3. And my power is I’m good at thinking of ways to end sketches.

11: Then how should this one end?

[3 puts his eyeballs together in the middle, puts his fingers in his mind.]

3: [fast] Bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla-bla.

[Cut to Stranger Things 3 video bumper.]

Revolutionary War

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Rachel Dratch

Netalie Portman

Heidi Gardner

Luke Null

Dunken… Chris Redd

Tina Fey

Kenan Thompson

Charlie… Mikey Day

[Starts with a picture of an old painting where there are men sitting inside a room]

Male voice: 1775, American colonists in New England are in open revolt against their British overlords. In Philadelphia, representatives of each colony meet to address the crisis.

[Cut to the representatives’ meeting]

Beck: Order! Order! Order! We must declare ourselves an independent nation.

Kyle: And fight the British army? We cannot win, sir!

[Pete walks in with a letter in his hands]

Pete: Glorious news from Boston. It seems the New England have just won an astounding victory over the British in a place called Bonker Hill.

[The men are not excited. They all sigh.]

I don’t understand. Is this not a welcome news?

Beck: No, it is. It’s just that now we have to hear the boasting from the Patriots of New England.

[A group of people wearing blue clothes walk in cheering and making noise. They have glasses in their hands. They are celebrating.]

Alex: Oh, yay!

Rachel: We crushed your chief again. We are the Patriots of New England and we are unstoppable.

New England Patriots: Yeah!

Alex: Do we even know how to lose? No!

Natalie: Dynasty! That’s the word you’re looking for. Dynasty.

Heidi: That’s just how we do it in Massachusetts, kid.

Luke: And Connecticut was there too.

Rachel: Yeah. Sure. A bit. But we’re number one!

New England Patriots: Number one!

Beck: [whispering] I recognize that New England wins battles, but must they be so obnoxious about it?

Kyle: Dreadfully annoying. Frankly, I’m willing to lose this whole war if it means not seeing them win again.

Beck: New Englanders, are you drinking beer? This is not a public house!

Rachel: Knock it! This is coffee from Dunkens.

Natalie: The best. Hey, Dunken, thanks!

[Dunken walks in with two more glasses]

Dunken: It’s good, right? I feel like I should like– It should go like a sweet bread. Like, a very– [Alex looks at Dunken and shakes his head. Dunken keeps quiet and walks out.]

Pete: [very excited] Well, I for one applaud you New England Patriots. On your many victories. What’s up?

Rachel: Many? Many victories? Try five, boss.

New England Patriots: Five!

Rachel: Yeah, we won them all. French and Indian war.

Natalie: Won it.

Rachel: King Phillips war.

Natalie: Killed it.

Rachel: Lexington, Concord!

Natalie: Crushed it.

Rachel: And now, Bonker Hill.

Natalie: The best one yet kid. Oh! Oh! Oh! Tell em’ the story!

Alex: Alright! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Alex walks near Beck,Kyle and Pete]

Beck: Oh, god! Here we go.

Alex: Okay. It was insane, bro! The British got like, 50 ships, okay? We get pushed back way behind our line like 40 yards.

Beck: I see.

Alex: Okay. But, our guy, Captain Thomas Brady, he’s got like a best cannon and boom! We come back like we always do.

Natalie: It was wicked sick! Wicked!

Beck: Wonderful. It’s always lovely to hear another story about Thomas Brady. Now…

Rachel: Thomas Brady is like a machine.

Alex: Um-hmm.

Rachel: We’re all machines. We’re New England. Yeah!

Natalie: We eat the most lobsters.

Heidi: And we got the most rocks in the soil. So, how you like us now?

Beck: Ha-ha. Yes, yes. Well, congratulations again. But I’m sure others would fight just as bravely if given the chance.

Natalie: Oh, yeah?

Heidi: What?

[Kenan, Tina and Charlie walk in. They’re Philadelphians.]

Tina: Yea! We won. [cheers and applause]

Beck: Ah! The delegation from Philadelphia.

Tina: Yeah. How you’s doing? We crossed many waters up the Scoogle river to give all you’s a message. Philly is mad strong. From the lil babies to all our mom-moms and pop-pops. We is ready to fight!

Charlie: Yeah! We whip their horseshoe at their head and sent the British home.

Tina: Yeah. So, grease up them polls, coz Philly’s gonna win and then one of these guys are gonna punch a police horse.

Kenan: Yeah. We’s a bunch of rowdy quakers!

Kyle: Sir, you’re form Philadelphia?

Kenan: Yeah. West Philadelphia, born and raised.

Beck: Alright. I admire your spirit, Philadelphia, but you don’t exactly have history of winning battles like New England does.

Tina: Yeah. Well, that was then. This is now. Okay? Call us the Eagles, coz we’re ready to fly.

Charlie: Fly, Eagles, fly!

Beck: The Eagles?

Tina: Yeah. And like Eagles, we Philadelphians are swift. We are deadly. And our eyes are all built too close together.

Kenan: Yeah! And we got the best food.

Tina: Yeah. Hand me that, Charlie. Hand me that. [Tina takes a bucket from Charlie’s hand] I brought venison hoagies, porch stuffed peppers and corn fritters from Wawa. Wawa. Wawa is an Indian lady who lives just outside of country house.

Natalie: Philadelphia, please! You got no chance, kid!

Rachel: Yeah! Let New England handle this, you skeezer!

Kenan: Oh, go home, New England!

Tina: Yeah. And can I tell you something about your precious captain, Thomas Brady? He’s old, okay? He’s like, forty. That’s four years pass life expectancy.

Rachel: No, sir. You take that back, sir! You take that back!

Tina: Na-ah! Na-ah! Boston’s not even a real city. It’s a college town with a fishing pier.

Rachel: Oh, yeah? Oh, talk to us when you win one, num nuts!

[The two groups are feuding]

Beck: Hey! Patriots of New England, you have truly achieved remarkable success. I believe I speak for this entire chamber when I say, “Just shut up.” Shut up! Yes, you have won in the past. But by no means does that guarantee future victory. And Philadelphians, you are overdue for victory. And I wish you all the best in your upcoming battles. But if you do win, please be cool. Okay? Just because the British don’t burn your city doesn’t mean you have to. Do we nave an understanding?

Tina: Nope!

Natalie: Yeah. We’re the best. You know it.

Rachel: Yeah. Because New England brings the pain!

Luke: And Connecticut too.

Tina: Oh, you trying to get beat tonight? We don’t need the British. We can settle this outside right now.

Rachel: Oh, good with me. Come on! One if by land. Two by your mother.

[They start feuding again. They all walk out.]

Beck: They are the worst. Is there any way they both could lose?

Kyle: God, let’s hope so.

Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards Orange Carpet

Dexter Hill… Mikey Day

Allie Jackson… Natalie Portman

Dylan Maxwell… Pete Davidson

Ellen DeGeneres… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Kids’ Choice Awards” 2018 video bumper]

Female voice: Kids rock.

[Cut to Dexter and Allie in the show set]

Dexter: Whoo! I’m Dexter, here with Allie. I’m on the orange carpet for the “Kids’ Choice Awards” pre show. If you’re just joining us, here’s what you missed.

[Cut to Dexter in front of a group of kids]

Dexter: Hey, let’s see if we can break the screamo meter. Ready, guys?

[The kids and Dexter are screaming. There’s a screamo meter at the bottom of the screen where the meter is pointing at the middle of the scale.]

[Cut to Allie in front of a group of kids]

Allie: We can beat that, right buys?

[The kids and Allie are screaming. There’s a screamo meter at the bottom of the screen where the meter is pointing at the maximum of the scale.]

[Cut to Dexter and Allie]

Dexter: Oh, man! What a blast. [to kids] You guys having fun or what?

Kids: Yes!

Dexter: I think they are. What about you? You having fun, Allie?

Allie: [Allie has lost her voice because she screamed so much] Oh, yeah. Maybe a little too much. And you might be able to tell, I’ve lost my voice coz all the screaming I did in the last hour.

Dexter: Okay. If you can’t hear her, um, Allie has fully lost her voice.

Allie: My voice may be gone but this party is just getting started, right guys?

[the kids are silent]

Yeah, well, our countdown to the loudest, craziest [inaudible] right here [inaudible] I’m having slime of my life.

Dexter: The slime? Oh! You’re having the slime of your life. Okay. Yeah. Me too, Allie. [funny buzzer] Oh-oh! You know what that means. It’s time for a Zany Zoom.

[Cut to Zany Zoom shot. The camera zooms to Dexter and Allie and it looks funny. Dexter is shouting at the camera but Allie can’t.]

Allie: Oh, that didn’t work. Kindly, I’d like to [inaudible]

Dexter: Alright. Well, Al tries to flag down some tea with honey in it. Um, let’s check in with our backstage correspondent and start Nickelodeon’s Dylan’s rules for surviving 7th grade. Dylan Maxwell, nominated tonight for coolest face. Dyl, what’s the scoop from the inside, brother?

[Cut to Dylan]

Dylan: Dex, Allie, I’m here with the real stars of the show. The coveted Nickelodeon Blimps that will be handed out to the winners. Hey, you think they’ll notice if I took one? Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to split screen with Dexter, Allie and Dylan. Allie is drinking tea.]

Dexter: Ha-ha-ha. Somebody get security over there.

Allie: [still in lost voice] Hey, Dyl, [inaudible]

Dylan: What?

Allie: [inaudible]

Dylan: I’m sorry. What?

Allie: Wait. Maybe I can talk on the inhale.

Dexter: Oh. She’s gonna talk on the inhale.

Allie: [talking while inhaling] Dyl, are the awards heavy?

Dylan: I’m sorry. One last time. what?

Allie: [talking while inhaling] I was just wondering–

Dexter: [interrupting] Let’s not do that anymore. Super weird. Thanks Dylan. We’ll check back in with you later, my man. And Al, I think I see one of your producers flagging you down. So, why don’t you go see what’s up with that? While we see [slowly moving away from Allie] if I can talk to the one and only miss Ellen DeGeneres. [Dexter walks to Ellen] She’s already dancing. [cheers and applause] She’s already dancing. Ellen, hi. How are you?

Ellen: Well, I wish I had an outfit that went better with orange.

Dexter: Oh-oh! Ellen, you’re up for ‘Favorite Funny Lesbian’ tonight. Are you excited?

Ellen: Yeah. And um, I’m pretty sure it’s ‘Favorite Funny Person.’ Not specifically ‘Lesbian.’

Dexter: Okay. I’m so sorry about that.

Ellen: But I’m still getting a slime out of my hair from last year. So, keep your eyes peeled for a shower cow.

Dexter: Oh-oh!

[Allie runs in.]

Allie: [in devil voice] Ellen, hi.

Ellen: Jesus Christ!

Allie: I lost my voice. So, the producers gave me this vocalizer. [Dexter walks out] What award are you presenting tonight?

Ellen: I’m sorry I said Jesus Christ. I was startled by your voice. But I’m presenting ‘Meanest TV Teacher’. [funny buzzer]

Allie: Oh-oh! Time for Zany Zoom.

[Cut to Zany Zoom shot. The camera zooms to Ellen and Allie and it looks funny. Allie is shouting at the camera. Ellen walks out.]

[Dexter walks in]

Dexter: Alright. That was absolutely terrifying. I think Ellen has to get inside. I’m also hearing that the producers are asking you ahead and lose that vocalizer as it’s scaring the kids.

Allie: [running towards the kids] [in devil voice] Maybe they are afraid of being slimed?

[The kids are terrified and running and hiding.]

Dexter: Alright. No, it’s definitely the voice thing. So, please lose it immediately. Um, remember, online voting is still open. You can still vote for rewards like, ‘Best Actor in Jumanji movie’. My money’s on the Rock. Right, Allie?

[Allie is with Chris who fixing an injection for her voice. He is smiling at the camera.]

Okay, [walking away from them] over here, Allies about to get a steroid injection in her throat which is really weird. That’s something no one wants to see. So come over here. Yes. Okay. We’re gonna take a quick break, but keep it here for more action from the orange carpet at the 2018 Kids’ Choice Awards.

Allie: [lost voice] Only on– it didn’t work. [uses her vocalizer] [devil voice] Only on Nickel–

Dexter: Yeah. Don’t use that ever again.

[The End]

Reality Stars

Bart… Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

Tina… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Will Farrell

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with four people having a barbecue party in their house, waiting for two more friends to arrive.]

Bart: Well, should we start eating or should we wait for Robin and Dan?

Kate: Are they still coming? They’re two hours late.

Tina: Well, I guess now that they’re big reality TV stars, they think they can just show up whenever.

Bart: Oh, come on. Don’t do that. They’re our friends. And they are great on Kings and Queens of Santa Clarita.

Kate: Do you think they’ve changed?

Mikey: Oh, I’m sure they’re the same old down to earth people we remember.

[Cecily and Will walk in. Cecily has a wine bottle and a glass of wine in her hands. Will has a puppy in his one hand and a glass of wine on the other]

Cecily: Oh my god! We are late. We are the worst.

Will: We suck so bad and so hard for so long. I need hugs from everyone.

Cecily: Oh. So do I. Hugs. Oh, I gotta hug my girls.

[Cecily slowly runs towards Kate and Tina and hugs them.]

Will: And where are my bros? Let me punch your butts and slap your sacks.

[Will slaps Bart and Mikey’s penises]

Bart: Oh, you meant that.

Cecily: [laughing] I can’t tell you how great it is to be out of LA and back in Flagstaff with my  .

Will: Give me red peeps over Hollywoo-woo any day.

Tina: Well, I’d offer you a drink. But it looks like you walked in with full glasses of wine.

Will: Um, we did. It’s our’s. We just started our line of weight loss wine. How cool is that?

Cecily: Yeah! It’s called ‘Slimfindale. it’s got caffeine, olestra and zinfin in it.

Will: You get so much energy and then you go to the bathroom 11 times a day.

Cecily: Yeah. Then another 11 at night.

Kate: Oh, wow.

Will: We brought bottles for all of you. The labels are wrong though. They got Carla from the Chew on it.

Cecily: Yeah. She backed out, so they came to us. How fabu is that?

Bart: Hmm, yeah. That’s great. So, um, your faces are different now.

Cecily: Yeah. Thank you. They are. They really are.

Will: Um-hmm. We got the most expensive procedure from the cheapest doctor we could find.

Tina: Well, it certainly looks like that.

Cecily and Will: Aww.

Kate: Do you wanna put your dog down?

Cecily and Will: No.

Will: No. She doesn’t walk. She hates it. [in baby voice] Walking is for babies.

Cecily: [in baby voice] And now she can’t. She doesn’t have leg muscle. Oh, yeah. [in normal voice] Oh, god. I just feel so grounded.

Will: So grounded.

Cecily: Being back here, right?

Mikey: Well, um, should we sit down, catch up?

Cecily: Oh, yeah. Great idea. You know what? Actually, our camera crew is outside. Do you mind if we just film a little bit of this?

Kate: Like, us? You want us on your show?

Will: Yeah. Just us catching up and talking. It’ll be like a sweet back home moment. Showing people our roots.

Bart: Sure, yeah. I guess so. That could be fun.

Will: Ah! Totally. Hey, come on in, guys. They’re cool with it.

[Melissa walks in with a cameraman]

Melissa: Hey, guys. Just act like we’re not here. And action!

[Kate and Tina sit down.]

Cecily: [yelling at Tina] You are a manipulative skank and you wish you have everything I have.

Tina: What?

Cecily: You need to own it. You need to own your BS.

Tina: Excuse me?

Will: [yelling] Hey! Don’t you dare yell at my wife! I’ll hit you over the head with my dog.

Cecily: Oh, and Tina. [Cecily pulls out pink panties] Here’s some panties.

Will: Yeah, Tina.

Cecily: Next time wear them. You’ve been showing your chooch all night.

Will: Exactly, Tina.

Cecily: My husband’s answer comes pop out of his head.

Will: Yeah. I am a red blooded American boy after all.

Mikey: What is happening?

Will: Oh, buddy, don’t make me hit you with my dog. Because I will do it. Peanut is locked and loaded.

Cecily: [to Tina] Hey, why didn’t you come to our vows renewal in Catolina?

Tina: I didn’t know.

Will: Oh, well we did rewrite it after I cheated on her. Everyone was there. Literally, everyone but you. You bitch. [looks at barbecue] Also, my wife can’t have chicken. What is this, Todd? [throwing away the barbecue] What is this chicken? She can’t have it.

Mikey: It’s chicken.

Will: Bart, what is this?

Bart: It’s chicken. Like he said. My wife can’t have chicken.

Cecily: I stopped eating anything that can talk.

Will: But if you watched the show, you would know this. I told you, she outgrew this C words.

Melissa: And cut! that was awesome, you guys.

Will: Great! Thanks for doing that, guys.

Cecily: Yeah. They’re gonna email you all release forms. Ooh, can we use your bathroom?

Will: Oh, yes, please.

Bart: Why? So you can poop out your energy wine?

Will: Oh, no, no, no. We’re just gonna do drugs in there.

Fighter Pilots

Wild Card… Mikey Day

Side Winder… Beck Bennett

Viper… Chris Redd

Clown Penis… Will Farrell

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of four fighter planes flying somewhere over the South China sea]

[Cut to Wild Card flying a plane]

Wild Card: Morning, pilots. This is squad leader. We’re about twenty minutes out from the Korean Peninsula. Since we were all scrambled from different bases, go ahead and introduce yourself. I’m Wild Card.

[Cut to Side Winder flying a plane]

Side Winder: Side Winder.

[Cut to Viper flying a plane]

Viper: Viper.

[Cut to Clown Penis flying a plane]

Clown Penis: Clown Penis.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Pilot, you got a little static there. Um, mind repeating that call sign again?

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Sure thing. Clown Penis. Clown like, the circus. Penis like, your penis. Lovely day to fly, huh, boys? Clown Penis, over and out.

[Cut to Cecliy in the ground control office listening to the conversation]

Cecliy: Squad, this is Honolulu ground control. Com’s signals are a little spotty. So, we just wanna clarify a couple of things. One, are you guys saying ‘Clown Penis’? And two, why? Over.

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Hello, Honolulu. That is affirmative. You are hearing Clown Penis because I am Clown Penis. Over.

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Copy. Is this some sort of pilot joke?

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: A joke? Ma’am, a pilot’s call sign is very serious. When an enemy sees me on his tail, I want him to feel the fail the same way that you’d feel if a clown showed you his penis. Confused, unsettled and most of all, very, very scared. Rest to sure it, if you see a clown penis, me or an actual clown’s penis, this just ate your day. So, Honolulu, how do you feel about saying Clown Penis now?

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Still weird. Over and out.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: I’ve heard worse call signs. Flew with a pilot in academy named ‘Mr. Pick Ass.’

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: You might want to change that to ‘Mr. Corny Ass.’

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: Hey, guys. Let’s watch our language over the calls please. We’re in the air force. Not the 7th grade. Clown Penis out.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Copy that. Okay. Let’s switch up to stealth formation. Confirm. New position. Over.

[Cut to Side Winder]

Side Winder: Right wing high.

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: Left wing low.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He is upside down.]

Clown Penis: Unintentional upside down I don’t know how I did this. But it’s happening.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Whoa! Clown Penis, you need some help correcting that invert. Over.

[Cut to Clown Penis]

Clown Penis: All good now. Just a little nine seconds of sheer abject terror. Won’t happen again, fellas. Sincerely, your pal, Clown Penis.

[Cut to Cecliy]

Cecliy: Okay, squad, we’re gonna run a pursuit drill here. Increase speed, decline to 50,000 ft. Over.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: You heard her, boys. Engage afterburners.

[Cut to Viper]

Viper: Wo-hoo! This raft is a worth that price tag.

[Cut to Side Winder]

Side Winder: Side Winder to Wild Card. I don’t see Clown Penis information. Over.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Copy that. Clown Penis, what is your current position.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He’s now flying over the space.]

Clown Penis: Hard to tell. But looks like I’m where space starts. I have to bow out of this drill, boys. This may take a while to fix. Just saw a satellite. Yeah. And there go the arms. [Clown Penis starts floating inside his plane] Oh, I’m definitely in space, fellas. ON the bright side, can’t get worse than this.

[Cut to Wild Card]

Wild Card: Roger that, Clown Penis. Will alert ground at your situation.

[Cut to Clown Penis. He is hanging upside down again.]

Clown Penis: Never mind, guys. It got worse.

[The End]

Weekend Update- Princes William and Harry

Michael Che

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: President Trump recently cancelled a trip to London with many are saying the royal family’s relationship with president Obama played a factor. Here with an official statement from Buckingham Palace are Prince William and Prince Harry.

[Prince William and Prince Harry slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Prince William: Hello.

Prince Harry: What’s up? Hi, Michael. What’s up, my dog?

[Prince Harry does the gang handshake with Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Okay. Well.

Prince William: Good evening, Michael.

Prince Harry: What’s up?

Michael Che: It’s an honor to meet you. And thank you for coming all the way here from London.

Prince Harry: Yes. Michael, we’d like to apologize. Unfortunately, William’s hair was unable to make it this evening.

Prince William: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Prince Harry: It’s devestating.

Prince William: Oh, bravo! Hilarious. Yes, a bald joke. Yes, buzz the sides this week. Rocking the Bruce Willis look broke the internet.

Prince Harry: No. Bruce Willis shaves it all, man. You’re a British Larry David. It’s not good. Shave it.

Prince William: Okay. You’re speaking of hair, how was the quidditch match, Ron Beasley?

Prince Harry: Ron Beasley? Who’s Ron Beasley?

Prince William: The red head one.

Prince Harry: It’s Ron Weasley.

Prince William: Oh, I don’t know. Who cares?

Prince Harry: Everyone cares.

Prince William: Nobody knows that.

Prince Harry: It’s Harry Potter. It makes up half of England’s economy. Come on. Just shave it, Will.

Prince William: Okay, just shut up about the hair.

Prince Harry: What hair? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you. I love you.

Prince William: I love you more.

Prince Harry: Yeah? Alright. Windsor boys.

Prince William: Windsor boys.

Prince Harry: Yeah. Bring it in. Bring it in.

Prince William and Prince Harry: Bangers. Match. Hello.

Prince William: It’s a secret handshake, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah. I saw. Very cool. Hey, before you give your statement, I just want to thank you again for coming to the show.

Prince William: Um, of course, Michael. Um, we love American telly. Um, my brother’s fiancé is Meghan Markle. She’s in the American program Suits.

Prince Harry: Yeah. Wednesdays, 8 PM, USA network. Check it out. She’s amazing.

Prince William: Right. Um, the only difference between that show and this is people watch this one.

Prince Harry: Oh! [clapping] Hilarious. What is it that you’re always watching? Wills? What is it? Oh, yeah. Kate’s Handbag. Right? Kate’s Handbag.

Prince William: Ha-ha-ha. Right.

Prince Harry: This guy goes shopping with Kate four times a week.

Prince William: She likes hats.

Prince Harry: She loves hats.

Prince William: [to Michael Che] Kate’s my wife.

Michael Che: I know who Kate Middleton is.

Prince William: Beautiful woman.

Michael Che: Yeah. Fine.

Prince William: great mom. Whenever the kids are being fussy and not going to bed, she puts on an episode of Suits and they’re out. Ha-ha.

[Prince Harry puts his pinky finger in his mouth and then inside Prince William’s ear.]

Oh, what are you doing?

Prince Harry: Look at that.

Prince William: Ouch.

Prince Harry: Look at that.

Prince William: Stop it. Stop it.

Michael Che: Did you just give him a wet willie?

Prince Harry: Yes. In England, it’s called moist Matthew.

Michael Che: Alright. I feel like I should remind everyone why you’re here which is to address rumors president Trump cancelled his UK trip because your family’s relationship with the Obama’s.

Prince Harry: Yes.

Prince William: Right. [Prince William opens a paper and reads it] Buckingham Palace does not comment on political matters. Thank you and goodbye.

Prince Harry: “Thank you and goodbye,” said William’s hair.

Prince William: Alright, enough.

Michael Che: Prince William and Prince Harry, everybody.

Trump Doctor Press Conference Cold Open

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Dr. Ronny Jackson… Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

Kate Mckinnon

Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Sarah Huckabee Sanders speaking at the press conference in the White House.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Alright, alright. Thank you all. Thank you all for being here. First off, I’d like to wish everybody a happy women’s march. A million women strong out there to celebrate the president’s first kick ass year in office. Ha-ha-ha. We did it, girls. Now that the senate has adjourned, I know y’all have a bunch of questions about the government shutdown. Now, president Trump maintains that any deal he signs must include a border wall. And he has been consistent that it must be a solid physical wall with some parts see through, some parts fence and some parts empty spaces that just operates on the honor system. And it will be paid for by Mexico with US tax payer money. And if you want to blame somebody for the shutdown, blame senator Chuck Schumer. #SchumerShutdown. Please, let’s get it trending, guys. And now, onto the most important news of the week. I have again asked White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson to come out here and tell you about how not fat the president is. Okay? Dr. Jackson?

[Dr. Ronny Jackson walks in. Sarah Huckabee Sanders slaps Dr. Ronny Jackson’s ass and walks away.] Hit em’ boss!

 Dr. Ronny Jackson: Oh. Thank you. Alright. Um, once again, this is the president’s unbiased 100% accurate health assessment. At the time of examination, the president was 71 years and 7 months young. His rest in heart rate was a cool 68 BPM. His weight, a very stealth, 239 pounds. He has a gorgeous 44 inch coke bottle waist. His height, 75 inches with legs that seem to go on forever. Size twelve shoes, so you can fill in the blanks there. It’s my expert medical opinion that the president’s got a rocking bod, with a perfect amount of cushion for the pushing. And if given a chance, I would. Are there any questions? Yes.

[Cut to Cecily from the press]

Cecily: Some people are saying these results are fabricated because they’ve taken even one look at the president. What do you say to that?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Again, let me be clear, the president is in peak physical condition. Now, he does take Crestor for his cholesterol which is normal. He takes Propecia as an inside joke. He takes Asprin for his heart. And he has been pounding pineapple juice to keep everything sweet. Okay? I’m telling you. This hunk is healthy enough to be president for at least another 10 to 20 years easy. Next question.

[Cut to Kate from the press]

Kate: Yeah, thanks. There has been questions about the president’s mental fitness and the White House is of course push back on that. Now, since you’ve examined him personally, my question is how broke that brain?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Okay, we did do a cognitive exam at the president’s request. And he passed it with flying colors. Almost no hints.

[Cut to Mikey from the press]

Mikey: The president has bragged about scoring higher on that test than any other president. Is that true?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: In fairness, no other president has been given this exam. We typically only use it to make sure someone’s not severely brain damaged, or a monkey in people clothes. But the president grabbed me by the collar and insisted on taking it anywy. And let me tell you, his grip is unnaturally strong. He’s got the strength of a guy that would fail that test, if you know what I mean.

[Cut to Pete from the press]

Pete: Hi. Did the president mention anything about his sexual encounter with that pornstar, Stormy Daniels?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. Sarah Huckabee Sanders runs in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hey, hey, hey. What’s your name and who are you with?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Pete Davidson. Saturday Night Live.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, listen Pete Davidson. Doctor isn’t taking any questions about that. So you can just go!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, rack! I was supposed to be at work right now anyway.

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson]

Dr. Ronny Jackson: Hey, actually, I can’t confirm whether the president and Ms. Daniels had relations or not. But I can tell you that if they did, she’s a lucky woman. Okay, and at his request, we also gave the president a sex exam and he blew the doors off that sucker. He nailed every position perfectly. As a medical staff, we tried to stay in partial, but when he was done, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. It was truly beautiful.

[Cut to Heidi from the press]

Heidi: I’m sorry. All of this information just sounds pretty ridiculous. You don’t expect us to really believe this, right?

[Cut to Dr. Ronny Jackson. ! walks in.]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay. You head the doctor. The president has passed every exam we gave him. Physical exam, mental exam, the tad pod challenge, crushed it! But we got a government shutdown to deal with, y’all. So you need to scoot! Alright?

Sarah and Ronny: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Taco Math

Heidi Gardner

Jessica Chastain

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Heidi: Sure, yeah, holidays are fun, but I’m glad to be back in LA. And I’m ready to kill it this New Year.

Jessica: Well, yeah. I have such a good feeling about 2018. I’ve already started reading a book. My resolution was to expand my mind.

Heidi: Oh, my god! So was mine. I’m like, a week into this brain work app I downloaded. It’s just like, 30 seconds seconds a day a math, 10 seconds of word search, and 20 seconds of shapes. It’s like, one minute a day and I’m already smarter.

Jessica: That’s amazing. Those apps really work.

[Waiter walks in]

Waiter: Hey, ladies, did you decide what you wanted?

Heidi: Um, yes. I’m gonna have a bean tostada and a chicken taco.

Waiter: Okay. Tacos are buy one get one free. So, do you want another taco? It’s free.

Heidi: I mean I might waste it but, okay. I’ll just get another chicken Taco.

Waiter: Okay. And, for you?

Jessica: I’ll have cheese enchilada and a hard shell beef taco.

Waiter: Okay. You guys could do that deal together then.

Heidi: Wait, what?

Waiter: Um, she could have your taco.

Jessica: [to Heidi] Did you want a beef taco?

Heidi: No, I want it chicken.

Waiter: Yeah. She’d just be getting your beef one for free.

Heidi: But she want it beef.

Jessica: I ordered a hard shell beef taco.

Waiter: Yeah, yeah. You would get her free taco.

Heidi: Wait, I’m so confused.

Jessica: Me too.

Waiter: You know what? Don’t worry about it. I’ll just put it in.

Heidi: No, wait. Let me think coz I’m trying to use my brain more.

Waiter: Okay. Great.

Heidi: Oh, oh, I get it. But I’m getting two chicken. Are you cool with a chicken taco?

Jessica: That’s like, the one meat I feel bad about. I had a pet chicken when I was little and we were really close. But if I have to…

Waiter: No, you don’t have to. You can still get beef.

Jessica: I’m like, so confused. Wait, I can do this. Hold on. [thinking hard] [to Heidi] Did you want beef?

Heidi: Argh, usually I would, but I ate all this raw hamburger last weekend and I got really sick.

Jessica: Why did you do that?

Heidi: I was like, being funny. But, I mean, I like, literally have been throwing up beef for days. But I mean, I feel bad. I can get beef. I can’t promise I’ll keep it down.

Waiter: No, no, no. You don’t have to get beef. You can still stick with your original chicken.

Heidi: Oh my god, I think I’m gonna need my app for this. [Heidi pulls her phone out of her bag and shows it to Jessica] See, this is it.

Jessica: Aw, cute app.

Heidi: Ha-ha. That’s Cornelia. He brings me my homework but he’s actually pretty cool.

Waiter: Um, ladies, I can just–

Jessica: [interrupting] Excuse me! We got this!

Heidi: Okay. So, the blue square is the chicken taco. And if the red car is the beef taco.

Jessica: Then the free taco would be…

[Heidi and Jessica think hard but can’t figure out.]

Heidi and Jessica: I don’t know what it is.

Waiter: Okay. It’s easy. You’re just getting her free taco. Okay? So, it’s like you never ordered.

Jessica: But I did order. I was here. Did you not write it down?

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Hi. I couldn’t help but overhear everything you’ve been saying. And I need for it to stop. Okay. I’m gonna pay for all your food, so now, all the tacos are free.

Jessica: No. Only one of them is free.

Heidi: Yeah. So, thank you but this is a private conversation.

Aidy: Oh my god!

[Aidy walks away]

Jessica: You know, we actually might need another minute with the food.

Waiter: Okay. Can I get your drinks? It’s two for one Margaritas.

Heidi: Oh, we can’t drink. We’re performing a surgery after this.

Jessica: Yeah, we’re surgeons.

Waiter: What? You guys are surgeons?

Heidi: Why? You think women can’t be surgeons?

Jessica: Let’s get out of here.

[Heidi and Jessica stand and leave]

Waiter: No, that’s not– that’s not what I said.

Google Talk

Summer Childs… Jessica Chastain

Ray Chadman… Alex Moffat

Debbie… Leslie Jones

Bert… Mikey Day

Luke Null

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Ben… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Google Talks video bumper]

Summer: Hello and welcome to another Google Talks. [Cut to Google headquarter. There are many people sitting. Summer is standing as she is speaking] Streaming live across the globe from Google HQ in California. I’m your host Summer Childs. [singing and dancing] Let’s give them something to Google talk about. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry. Today’s topic is bullying which I’ll be discussing with the students at our audience and our guest Berkley Sociology professor, Ray Chadman.

Professor: Pleasure to be here.

[Summer takes a seat]

Summer: Now, we asked each member of our audience to write down something they’ve been bullied for. Which our stage manager Debbie is handing me. Thanks Debbie. 14 people said religion. Nine people answered race or ethnicity. Five people said sexual orientation. And one person said Looking like Bart Simpson.

[There is a guy behind Professor whose hair is exactly like Bart Simpson. Yellow and spiky.]

Professor: Yeah. And unfortunately somewhere four out of five of those answers are extremely common. With the rise of social media, attacking others has never been easier. And the most common form of course being simple name calling

Summer: Um, I can relate. People called me nerd before I got like, pretty. Students, save space. What are some of the names that you or someone close to you has been called?

Heidi: Um, white trash.

Luke: Cock!

Mikey: Bart Simpson.

Cecily: Bitch.

Mikey: Real life Bart Simpson.

Melissa: It’s not a name but people like to say, “Go back to your own country.”

Mikey: Yeah. Or people like to say, “Go back to Springfield.” So ignorant.

Kenan: [to Mikey] That might just be you, dude!

Kyle: Hey, you guys feel like trying isn’t cool? Like, if you put effort into something, people are so ready to make fun of you for it?

All: Yes.

Mikey: You guys ever like, say something funny in a group setting and people laugh. But then you hear, “Haa-haa.” And you’re like, “Is that just how someone laughs or did they just do a Nelson from The Simpsons laugh to mess with me?”

Cecily: Again, man. That might just be you.

Mikey: Oh, okay.

Summer: I love how woke it is in here right now. But it’s not just us having this discussion. Everyone streaming this can tweet their questions and comments with the #GoogleTalk2018TopicBullying. Sorry, it’s so long. That’s my bad. Let’s throw it over to Ben at the tweet deck.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Thanks Summer. It has been pretty busy over here at my standing desk. We’s got a lots of tweets coming in. This tweet has already 250 likes.

[Cut to a picture meme with Bart Simpson and Mikey’s pictures joined together. There’s written “Ay, Caramba!”]

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: So, I don’t speak Spanish but it’s cool that our woke discussion resonates with a lot in community.

Professor: Ha-ha. Let’s just hope the president doesn’t tweet anything at us.

[Everyone laughing]

[Someone does Nelson from Simpson’s “Haa-haa” laughter. Mikey is looking around to find out who.]

Summer: Well, professor, we had our audience write down some questions for you. These are all anonymous, of course. Our first question. If you notice someone laughing at someone, what should you do?

Professor: Um, that’s easy. Tell them to stop in an assertive yet non-violent way.

Cecily: Excuse me, ma’am. Please stop.

[Cut to Debbie who is laughing hard.]

Debbie: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I can’t. I can’t. He got the red shirt on. Like… I gotta leave. I gotta leave.

[Debbie walks out]

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: Oh, I’m so sorry about that, Bart. Oops! I’m so sorry I called you Bart. What’s your name?

Mikey: Oh, my name is Bert Samson.

Kenan: Your name is Bert Samson? I’m sorry.

Pete: Hey, you don’t have a cow, man.

Summer: Alright, guys. Let’s check in with Ben at the tweet deck.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Hey, Summer. Cool news over here at my chairless work area. We have a caller in our Google Talk line who has a question for professor Chadman.

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: Alright, caller, you’re on with professor Chadman. What’s your question, Maggie?

[the caller is making noises like Maggie from Simpson]

Professor: Maggie, you there? Oh, I think I get it. That’s funny.

Summer: Well, we need to show you a series of 25 second ads. We’ll be right back with woke discussion after this. [singing and dancing] Let’s Google Talk about sex baby. Sorry, that was dumb.