Tag: Mikey Day

Lil’ Rent

Sam Docman… Beck Bennett

Janet V. … Cecily Strong

Lowell Devins… Mikey Day

Shawn Tesler… Kyle Mooney

Nathan Benson

Amy Mary Weather Sherman… Amy Schumer

[Starts with “Wake Up Denver” video bumper]

[Cut to Sam in his set]

Sam: Welcome back to “Wake Up Denver’s early bird hour.” I’m Sam Docman. Our field correspondent Janet V. is at the Youth Theater Works Playhouse in Downtown, Denver where a big show is in the works. [Cut to split screen with Sam and Janet] Janet, what’s going on?

Janet: Well, Sam, I’m here at rehearsal with some of Denver’s most talented young Thespians.

Sam: Oh! Thespians rhymes with lesbians. Haba haba.

Janet: I don’t like that. Take him off the split screen.

[Cut to Janet]

The cast in Denver Youth Theater Works Annual Spring Musical is hard at work in their new show. And there’s about 525,600 reasons to see “Lil’ Rent” which opens Thursday. I’m joined now by very busy director, Lowell Devins.

[Janet walks to Lowell]

Lowell: Oh, hi. Sorry. It is a mad house. Hello. We’re in the middle of hell week which is living up to it’s name.

Janet: Lowell, so tell us about the show.

Lowell: Oh, right. Um, “Lil’ Rent” is in a bridged family friendly version of the hit musical about New York city artist living through the HIV AIDS crisis of the late 80s.

Janet: And how does “Lil’ Rent” handle the intense HIV AIDS subject matter with the cast of children?

Lowell: Right. Um, in “Lil’ Rent,” HIV AIDS has changed to diabetes. And it really doesn’t change things at all.

Janet: Really? It’s just that in the original HIV AIDS, that’s what rent’s about. Characters die from it. So, how did you go about changing the original script?

Lowell: Well, I used the ‘Find and Replace’ feature in Microsoft Word and replaced HIV AIDS with diabetes.

Janet: Okay.

Lowell: And I honestly think it’s more powerful this way. You’re gonna love it.

Janet: I don’t know about that. But let’s meet some of the cast here.

[Shawn and Nathan  joins them. Nathan  is a small boy wearing a leather jacket and has a guitar.]

Lowell: Oh, yes. [pointing at Shawn] This is the brilliant Shawn Tesler who plays Mark. [pointing at Nathan ] And you may have seen him in last falls, Lil’ Equis. It is Nathan Benson who plays Rogers.

Janet: Goodness. Oh, okay. I understand you’re gonna be doing a little scene for us?

Shawn: Um, yes, ma’am. This is a scene from act one where my character is singing about his friend Roger who is diabetes positive. And in the late 80s when the show takes place, diabetes was this new sexually transmitted disease that people didn’t know lot about. it was acary.

Nathan : Yeah. Back then, diabetes was basically a death sentence.

Lowell: Yes.

Janet: Well, it wasn’t. But go ahead.

[Janet and Lowell walk out. Lights turn blue and Shawn and Nathan  start performing.]

Shawn: They say diabetes is a gay disease. But Roger got diabetes having sex with his girlfriend. [pointing at Nathan ]

[Nathan  starts playing guitar]

[singing] Close on Roger, whose girlfriend left him a note saying
“We’ve got diabetes,” before slitting her wrist in the bathroom

Take your insulin, Roger!

[Lowell jumps in]

Lowell: And scene. Very powerful, boys. Ooh!

[Janet walks in. Shawn and Nathan  walk out.]

Janet: Okay, well, let’s meet more of the cast.

Lowell: Yes. [they walk to Amy] This is Amy Mary Weather Sherman, another rising star. She’s incredibly talented and fiercely conservative.

Amy: Yeah, hello. My name is Amy Mary Weather Sherman. [showing seven fingers]  And I am this many years old. My favorite political party is the republicans. And my favorite book is “Liar and Cheat”, how Obama killed the middle class. And also “Amelia Be Dealia Goes Camping.”

Janet: Okay, wow. Lot to take in there. Who are you playing?

Amy: Well, ma’am, I play Mimi Vasquez. She’s a Puerto Rican stripper, a heroin addict, who got diabetes by sharing an infected heroin needle.

Lowell: Alright, remember, we say dancer. Not stripper.

Amy: But she takes her clothes off.

Lowell: Okay. Tell em’ about your Spanish.

Amy: Oh, yes. Okay, so, ma’am, I learned some Spanish play maybe because she only speaks Spanish and I always speak white. But the way you say diabetes in Spanish is diabetos!

Janet: Alright. Well, how about we get to that song?

Lowell: Yes. Amy will be performing an excerpt from her big solo, “Out Tonight.”

[Janet and Lowell walk out]

Amy: This song is about my character is horny and she wants go find somebody have sex with.

[music playing]

[singing] Let’s go, aiii, yiiiii, today,
I’m a Puerto Rican stripper
where I wanna go
aiii, yiiiii, today

[Lowell jumps in]

Lowell: And scene. Thank you Amy. [pointing at the camera] You wanna see the rest, you have to buy a ticket.

Amy: [chanting] Lock her up! Lock her up!

Lowell: No, don’t do that. Stop doing that. That’s for home. That’s for hom.

[Janet comes in]

Janet: Alright. You got a cast of talented kids here. “Lil’ Rent” opens Thursday and you can buy tickets online now for $175. My god!

Lowell: Do you think that’s too much?

Janet: Yeah. We’ll be right back.

Amy Schumer Mother Knows Best

Paul… Pete Davidson

Shelby McAllister… Amy Schumer

Summer… Cecily Strong

Jackie… Aidy Bryant

Mason… Chris Redd

Shanile… Leslie Jones

Christopher… Mikey Day

Abissaleth… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “Game Show Network” intro.]

Female voice: You’re watching “Game Show Network.”

[Cut to game stage. The contestants are waiting for the host.]

Male voice: It’s “Mother Knows Best” where moms and their teams team up to win cash. Here’s your hostess with the mostest, Shelby McAllister.

[Shelby walks in]

Shelby: Thank you. Thank you and welcome to “Mother Knows Best.” I’m your host, Shelby. I’m a YouTube sketch comedian and a serious genuine singer. Okay, to find out what our teams are playing for today, let’s check in with our announcer cutie pie Paul.

Paul: Hmm. Please don’t call me that. Just ‘Paul’ please. Our teams are playing for a grand prize of $10,000. And again, just Paul.

Shelby: Hmm, thank you cutie pie Paul. Okay, let’s meet today’s teams. From Fountain Valley, California, 17 year old Summer and her mom Jackie.

Summer: My mom can be really strict.

Jackie: Oh, and if we don’t win today, she’s grounded.

Shelby: From Tempe, Arizona, it’s 16 year old Mace and his mom Shanile.

Mason: My mom says raising kids is full time job.

Shanile: And today, I plan on getting that $10,000 raise.

Shelby: And from Fortress-of-the-Lamb, Pennsylvania, a close community of friends, it’s 17 year old John Christopher and his mom Abissaleth.

Christopher: My mom is my best friend.

Abissaleth: My son is my life. [Christopher and Abissaleth hug closely] He is of me.

Shelby: Awesome! Awesome! Before the show, we asked our teams questions about their moms. If their moms’ answers match up, they get 50 points. First question. Teams, what’s something you do that drives your mom crazy?

Summer: Oh, ma’am, this is easy. My mom hates when I chew my hair.

Jackie: Oh, yeap. I said “Chewing her darn hair.” [showing board with the same thing written.]

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Correct. 50 points on the board. Christopher, what’s something you do that annoys your mom?

[Christopher and Abissaleth are holing hands]

Christopher: [giggling] Sometimes in the morning, I wake up before she does and I get up out of our bed. And when she wakes up, she won’t know I’m there.

Shelby: Did you say our bed? Mom, show us your answer.

Abissaleth: I said, [showing her written board] “Leaving our bed early and making mommy worry.”

[right answer bell]

Shelby: Yes, you did. Correct. You got 50 points.

[Christopher and Abissaleth hug very closely and tightly again]

Abissaleth: [singing]

[Christopher and Abissaleth kiss on lips softly.]

Shelby: Cool. Cool. Okay. On to Mason and his mom. Mason, what drives your mom nuts?

[Mason and Shanile are still shocked]

Mason: [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] Um, they’re still going. [Christopher and Abissaleth are still kissing]

Shelby: Okay. Alright.

Abissaleth: We won the points.

Shelby: Okay, we’re done with that. We’re done with that. So, no more of that. Okay. Mason, what drives your mom crazy?

Mason: Um, when I play my music real loud. She hates that.

Shanile: What? I said “When you wear one of those dumb hats.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, yikes! No points. Okay, after one round, we got Summer and Jackie with 50 points, Mason and Shanile with 0, and John Christopher and Abissaleth with 50 points.

[Christopher is brushing Abissaleth’s hair.]

Close game so far, huh, cutie pie Paul?

Paul: Please, just call me Paul.

Shelby: We’ll see. Second question, and we’ll start with John Christopher. What’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Christopher: Oh, that’s easy. That I’ll meet a woman and get married one day.

Abissaleth: Yes, I put [shows her written card] “That a woman whose menarche has come will ensnare him, leaving me to perish in my loneliness and filth, alone, alone, alooooone. Also, lyme disease.”

Shelby: I really don’t want to give that answer points, but that’s 50 points.

[right answer bell]

[Abissaleth starts singing and then Christopher and Abissaleth kiss again.]

Shelby: Okay. Okay. Okay. And my producers are asking that you limit your songs to no songs. Alright, Summer, what’s your mom’s biggest fear?

Summer: Oh, um, probably spiders.

Jackie: Oh, shoot. I said [showing her written card] I said that “My husband and I will get into one of our loud fights in front of her friends.”

[wrong answer buzzer]

Shelby: Oh, oh! No points. I hear you though. My mom and dad would fight all the time. My dad was not afraid of a drink. Let’s go to Mason and Shanile.

Shanile: Ah, we forfeit. We can’t beat these two. [pointing at Christopher and Abissaleth] They kissing on the lip. Look at them. Look.

[Christopher is sitting on Abissaleth’s lap. Abissaleth is caressing his thighs.]

Shelby: Yeah. Yeah. No one’s gonna beat them. I don’t think they’ve ever slept in separate rooms. Okay, we’ve got to take a quick break before round two.

Christopher: Well, will I have time for restroom?

Abissaleth: And will I have time to help him in there? Coz he can’t aim.

Shelby: Oh, my god! We’ll be right back.

Lando’s Summit

Lubestein… Mikey Day

Lando Calrissian… Donald Glover

Sal Guerero… Kenan Thompson

Key Beeba… Leslie Jones

Emchigo… Chris Redd

[Starts with a message video. Message reads: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…]

[Cut to Lubestein speaking at the stage podium]

Lubestein: Sorry to interrupt your mingling. I am Lubestein, Hospitality Director here at the Naboo Beachfront Hotel. We are thrilled to host your event and it’s fun activities all week long as you enjoy our beautiful view. Now, please welcome the chairman of this event, Mr. Lando Calrissian.

[Lando Calrissian walks in and Lubestein leaves the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Lando Calrissian: Yes, yes. I like that guy. Classy guy right there. My, my. We weren’t kidding. This hotel does have a gorgeous view. I love alien girls coz it’s always a surprise when their clothes come off. So, it’s like, “Oh, that’s your that? We’ll figure it out.” Welcome, my brothers and sisters to the first ever galactic summit for all black humans. This started with one question. “Where the hell are all the black people in space?” For a while, I thought it was me, the only one but now I see before me all the black humans in the galaxy.

[Cut to the audience. There are three black people in the empty hall clapping for him]

[Cut to Lando Calrissian.]

I’ll say it. Turnout was a little low. We were expecting a thousand guests. I held out hope that there was a black human planet somewhere but I guess it’s just us. Lots of lizard men wearing vests, just four black people though. Okay, let’s kick things off with a welcoming remarks from my man, Mr. Sal Guerero.

[Sal Guerero walks in]

Sal Guerero: Thank you, everyone. As I look upon the hundreds of faces like my own– Sorry, I wrote this like, a week ago. I am filled with hope. Our voice was once a whisper. Now, it is a roar. Let me hear your roar. Roar!

[Cut to the audience. There are two black people in the empty hall clapping for him]

Audience: Roar.

[Cut to Sal Guerero]

Sal Guerero: I would now like to read a list of all the black humans who lived before us to honor their memory. Mace Windu. Thank you.

[Sal Guerero walks out]

Lando Calrissian: Up next, the lovely Key Beeba. Talk about all the activities we have going on this week.

[Key Beeba walks in. Lando Calrissian takes holds and kisses her hand.]

Key Beeba: [staring at Lando Calrissian] I don’t know you like that. That ain’t coo.

[Lando Calrissian just walks backwards.]

The following activities have been canceled due to low attendants. Everything except meals.

[Cut to Sal Guerero]

Sal Guerero: Does that include the thousand man march?

[Cut to Key Beeba looking at Sal Guerero fiercely.]

Key Beeba: What do you think, dude? Also, the location of the group picture has been changed from the outdoor coliseum to anywhere we want. That’s it.

[Key Beeba walks out]

Lando Calrissian: Alright. Emchigo, you wanna say anything up here?

[Cut to Emchigo]

Emchigo: Nah, I’m good.

[Cut to Lubestein walking in the stage]

Lubestein: Alright. Our seafood buffet is officially open. Grab a plate and help yourself. While you eat, please enjoy music from a blue monster and Mr. Lando Calrissian.

[There’s a creature that has big ears and long nose trunk like an elephant. He is playing the musical instrument.]

Lando Calrissian: You know, before I made a living playing cards an doing other stuffs that’s not really explained. I wanted to be a singer. There’s a little song I wrote about space and it’s called making love in space. Two, three, four.

[singing] Making love in space
yeah, making love in space
you need a man though, girl
come see Lando

Girl, making love in space
I love my….

Courtroom

Plaintiff’s attorney… Cecily Strong

Mr. Miller… Mikey Day

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Defendant’s attorney … Donald Glover

[Starts with plaintiff’s attorney asking Mr. Miller questions in the court]

Plaintiff’s attorney: One final question, Mr. Miller and I know this has been a difficult experience to relive.

Mr. Miller: It has.

Plaintiff’s attorney: Do you feel that you are in any way at fault for your friends and family being eaten?

Mr. Miller: Of course, not. All I know is that I miss them.

Plaintiff’s attorney: Hmm. All he knows is that he misses them. No further questions.

Judge: Your witness?

Defendant’s attorney: Thank you, your honor. [Defendant’s attorney stands and walks to Mr. Miller] All he knows is that he misses them. And that might be true but that is not why we are here today. We re hereto determine whether my client, Jurassic Park, the beautiful island full of real life dinosaurs, is responsible for the death of Mr. Miller’s friends and family when all the dinosaurs got out. And I say no.

Mr. Miller: I say yes.

Defendant’s attorney: Your honor. Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: No, man. Definitely not.

Defendant’s attorney: So, Mr. Miller, Jurassic World shouldn’t have to pay you money even though you agreed to waive all rights to sue the park.

Mr. Miller: What? No. I did not agree to that.

Defendant’s attorney: Exhibit A. [Defendant’s attorney passes a paper full of blood to Mr. Miller] Mr. Miller, could you please read the indemnification on the back of your VIP all access raptor’s pass?

Mr. Miller: I can’t read it. It’s covered in my friend Scott’s blood.

Defendant’s attorney: Well, move your friend Scott’s blood around with your finger until you can read it. [Defendant’s attorney walks to a member jury who is black] I mean, can you really believe this, sister?

Jury member: Get out of my face.

Mr. Miller: Um, it says Jurassic World is not responsible for lost or damaged items.

Defendant’s attorney: Lost or damaged items, like your friends and family.

Mr. Miller: Well, I don’t consider my friends and family items.

Defendant’s attorney: But the law does.

Judge: Let the record show that he law does not.

Defendant’s attorney: Alright. Let me ask you this, Mr. Miller. Did you have a good time at Jurassic Park?

Mr. Miller: Um, no. It was the single worst experience of my life.

Defendant’s attorney: Ah! Please direct your attention to the monitor. This is an Instagram story posted by Mr. Miller on the date in question.

[Defendant’s attorney turns plays the video on the screen.]

[Cut to the video. Mr. Miller is with two of his friends and they have having a lot of fun.]

Alright, stop. Stop. Stop. [Defendant’s attorney pauses the video] Sure sounded like you were having fun to me. Good time, liar!

Plaintiff’s attorney: Okay, request permission to show the rest of the video?

Defendant’s attorney: Your honor. I do not see why that would be relevant in this case.

Judge: Permission granted.

[Defendant’s attorney plays the video. As soon as the video plays, Mr. Miller in the video starts screaming and the screen goes all bloody.]

Defendant’s attorney: Who even knows what is happening there? I mean, really?

Judge: That’s him and his friends getting eaten by the dinosaur. I mean, I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to weigh in but that’s what it is.

Mr. Miller: Specifically, a T-Rex grabbed my friend Rachel and swallowed her without biting like you would take a Tylenol.

Defendant’s attorney: Objection, your honor. The T-Rex is a good guy now. It is consistently saving the day. Sustained!

Judge: Counsellor, you can’t sustain your own objection. [to Mr. Miller] Continue, sir.

Mr. Miller: Yeah. After that, a flying dinosaur, the long nose landed on my brother and he ate my brother’s face. And then one of those big new genetically engineered ones that you guys made with like, the giant claws–

Defendant’s attorney: Yeah, the Psychosaurus, yes.

Mr. Miller: Yeah. That guy came in and he ate the dinosaur that ate my brother.

Defendant’s attorney: Hmm. “He” ate my brother. “That guy” came in. And yet, Mr. Miller, may I remind you and the court that all dinosaurs at Jurassic park are female. Your honor, the witness had lied under oath. I declare a mistrial because Mr. Miller’s credibility is extinct. Ha-ha! [Defendant’s attorney pours himself a glass of water and drinks it.] This court is adjourned.

Judge: Well, the court is not adjourned because this was not a mistrial. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you will now begin the liberations to reach a verdict.

Jury member: We have reached a verdict already. We all just kind of looked at each other and nodded. We find the defendant Jurassic World Theme Park guilty of charges. They got to learn. The dinosaurs always get out.

Judge: Ha-ha. That they do. That they do.

Defendant’s attorney: I see. Well, I guess that’s lunch then.

[Defendant’s attorney pulls out a huge egg]

Plaintiff’s attorney: Is that a dinosaur egg?

Defendant’s attorney: Well, yes. You think this is okay to eat?

Medical Breakthrough

Dr. Connolly… Chadwick Boseman

Dr. Karen Price… Aidy Bryant

Sandra Matson… Kate McKinnon

Dave Matson… Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

[Starts with Dr. Connolly and Dr. Karen Price at the podium speaking to the press. They’re both wearing aprons.]

Dr. Connolly: Thank you all for being here today. I’m Dr. Connolly, lead researcher for the fertility frontiers project. This is my brilliant supervisor Dr. Karen Price.

Dr. Karen Price: Hello.

Dr. Connolly: Nine months ago, we began working with a couple who had difficulty conceiving. But through a process, we created called ‘Paternal Embryonic Gestation’ and implanted artificial womb. Their dreams of pregnancy have come true. With one small difference. Please welcome Sandra Matson and her husband Dave Matson, history’s first pregnant man.

[Sandra and Dave walk in. Dave has pregnant belly.]

[cheers and applause]

Mr. Matson, you just made history. Any comment?

Dave: Um, yeah. Anybody have olives and peanut butter? I’m having a really weird craving.

[The press laughs.]

In all seriousness, we feel so blessed that life found a way.

Sandra: Um-hmm. Now if we could only find a maternity store with a men’s section.

[everyone laughing]

Dr. Connolly: Now, we’ll open it up for questions. Yes.

Heidi: First, congratulations on this remarkable achievement. Dr. Connolly, how does the man give birth?

Dr. Connolly: Well, the plan has always been a scheduled C-section.

Dave: Two weeks from today.

Dr. Connolly: But the plan has changed.

Dave: It has?

Dr. Connolly: My team and I now believe that due to the fragility of the artificial womb, the baby must be delivered naturally through Mr. Watson’s urethra.

Dave: What?

Dr. Connolly: Who else has a question?

Dave: I do.

Dr. Connolly: Yes, you sir.

Chris: Hello, there. Just to be clear, the baby will come out of this man’s, um, now I’m sure there’s a classy way to say this but I’m going with pee hole?

Dr. Connolly: Yes. The elasticity of the skin and tissue in that area will stretch to accommodate the birth… hopefully.

Dave: Hopefully?

Dr. Karen Price: Yes. Picture a bowling ball going through a twizzler.

Dr. Connolly: With that said, we will be prepared for possible tuliping.

Heidi: I’m sorry, doctor. What is tuliping?

Dr. Karen Price: Oh, I can take this one. Yeah, the best way to describe it is with the Looney Tunes metaphor. So, if you recall when Bugs Bunny would put his finger in Elmer Fudd’s gun barrel? When Mr. Fudd pulled the trigger, the barrel would bush out. Peel back like tulip petals. Hence, tuliping.

Dave: Oh, my god. So, next question. Yes. The woman in the wrinkled skirt.

Cecily: Oh. That detail was unnecessary. Mr.s Madson, will you be present in the delivery room?

Sandra: Not anymore. No.

Dr. Connolly: Yes. The delivery room will be crowded. It will be all hands on the deck and few hands in deck, if you know what I mean.

Dave: No. I don’t know what you mean.

Cecily: And lastly, will Mr. Madson be given the same epidural drugs used on women?

Dr. Connolly: Oh, no.

Dave: Yeah. Stronger?

Dr. Connolly: Unfortunately, no epidural or pain numbing drugs can be used as Mr. Madson will need to push at full strength for the full 24 hour long birth.

Dave: 24? Can’t it go any faster?

Dr. Connolly: Not without significant risk of tuliping.
Dave: Stop saying tuliping. Stop.

Dr. Connolly: Yes, you sir.

Alex: Yes, first off, Mr. Madson, congratulations and I’m so sorry. Now, how long do you anticipate the recovery process will take?

Dave: Um, forever?

Heidi: I can’t believe no one’s asked yet. Boy or girl?

Sandra: It’s a girl. Which is good because we have a lot of girl names we like.

Dr. Connolly: Well, pick your top three because surprise, you’re having triplets. Mr. Madson, any parting words?

Dave: I mean, I’m worried about my penis.

Dr. Connolly: We all are. Thank you.

Aidy B & Cardi B

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Chadwick Boseman

Kenan Thompson

Mikey Day

Cardi B

[Starts with Aidy, Kate and Cecily talking in SNL office]

Kate: Oh, my god. I can’t stop listening to Cardi B’s new album.

Cecily: Yes. It’s so good. I’m so excited she’s here.

Aidy: I’m obsessed.

Cecily: I love how assertive and bold she is. She just like, says whatever she’s thinking.

Aidy: I know. And I think I need to be more like Cardi B.

[Kyle and Beck walk in]

Kyle: Hey, what are you girls doing? Having girl time?

Beck: Yes. Should we come back?

Aidy: What did you say?

Beck: Oh, we just don’t want to interrupt your girl time.

Aidy: [speaking like Cardi B] Oh, well, why don’t you shut your hoe ass up? I’m sick of you hating ass hoes always got something slick to say. Just remember I’m a boss and you a worker you goofy bitch!

Kate: Aidy?

Aidy: Ah! Nah, hoe. [to Kyle and Beck] You need to watch your mouth. I’m from The Bronx. I don’t play that [bleep]. [to Kate and Cecily] Come on. [the girls walk out]

Kyle: Is Aidy actually from The Bronx?

Beck: She’s from North Central Phoenix.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy with Chris in costume room]

Chris: Hey, you talked to Chadwick yet? He’s super cool.

Aidy: No. I’m weirdly nervous to meet him.

Chris: Why?

Aidy: Coz he’s the Black Panther and I loved the movie and he is very cool and I am very lame.

Chris: You are not lame. Come on

[Chadwick Boseman walks in]

Chadwick: What’s up, Chris?

Chris: What’s up? How do you feel? You good? You know Aidy Bryant, right?

Chadwick: Of course. Oh, my god. I’m a big fan of your’s.

Aidy: [talking like Cardi B] Yeah. I’m not afraid of you bitch.

Chadwick: What’s that?

Aidy: What? Errr! Ooh! Actually, I’m sure you’re used to all these other little bitches being afraid of you but I am not scared, okay? I’m a rider or die, bitch. You see that rock? [showing her engagement ring] Yeah, that actually means I give Conor that very good puddy, okay? I can picture so good that I be screaming my own name during sex. Oh, prrrr.

[Aidy walks out. Chadwick and Chris look at each other all confused.]

Chadwick: That’s how you let white girls talk to you around here?

Chris: Only Aidy B. I’m not proud of that.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy on the table trying to do the sexy dance like Cardi B. The staffs are looking at her.]

Kenan: Dude, what the hell is going on with Aidy?

Mikey: I think she’s empowered.

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy walking out. A woman walks to her.]

Woman: Hey, Aidy. Could you do a quick shoutout for SNL’s instagram?

Aidy: Oh, yeah. Of course. [The woman hands over a phone to Aidy.] Okay, so what should I say?

Woman: Say something to the fans.

Aidy: Okay. [Aidy starts taking selfie video. She’s speaking like Cardi B.] Ah! Stop asking me about the show. The cast sucks, the writers are stupid, I [bleep] them all, they were boring. So, live from The Bronx, y’all can shut the [bleep] up.

[talking normally again] And then I– I’m sorry. Do I hit the send?

Woman: [shocked] Yeah. That was good.

Aidy: Yay!

[Cardi B music playing]

[Cut to Aidy in Cardi B’s changing room]

Aidy: Cardi, your music has changed my life. You’ve honestly inspired me to just say what’s on my mind. So, thank you.

Cardi B: You know, I do it for my fans.

Aidy: And I am a fan. But maybe also your best friend. We’re pretty much the same.

Cardi B: Um, can you please get me some water? [speaking softly] I’ma a little worried.

Aidy: Oh, sure. Unless you want me to stay.

Cardi B: No.

Aidy: I have a lot of very short songs that I’ve written.

Cardi B: No.

Aidy: [singing] Subs are good but I prefer pizza, honey.

Cardi B: Okay. Just go.

Aidy: Okay. But before I go, [showing her high heels] these is bloody shoes, coz they’re giving me the worst days of my life.

Cardi B: Just get the [bleep] out of here.

Aidy: Call me.

Cardi B: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Aidy walks out]

Aidy: Aidy B and Cardi B, best friends.

Jurassic Park Auditions

Hugh Grant… Alex Moffat

Alan Alda, Al Pacino, Clint Eastwood… Bill Hader

Ellen DeGeneres, Lisa Kudrow, Jodie Foster… Kate McKinnon

Wesley Snipes, Jaleel White… Chris Redd

Roseanne Barr… Aidy Bryant

Gwen Stefoni… Melissa Villaseñor

Joey Lawrence… Kyle Mooney

Drew Barrymore… Heidi Gardner

Pee Wee Herman… Mikey Day

Whoopi Golberg… Leslie Jones

Adam Sandler… Pete Davidson

Sinbad, OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Eddie Vedder… Luke Null

[starts with video clips from the Jurassic Park]

Male voice: 25 years ago, Steven Spielberg opened the door to Jurassic Park. And inside those doors, spoiler alert, were dinosaurs. Now, as part of the 25th anniversary rerelease, you can watch the original 1992 screen test.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Hugh Grant for Dr. Alan Grant.

Hugh Grant: [speaking fast] Yes. Hate to be a bother but if you look behind you, there’s a bit of a T-Rex. And I thought perhaps we should move faster? To escape? It’s a rather large teeth.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Alon Alda for Muldoon.

Alon Alda: [acting like he’s holding a gun] Clever girl. When dinosaur comes out and attacks me? Oh, you guys, that is great. That is just terrific. And how you guys gonna shoot the dinosaurs? Is it gonna be forced perspective? You know, that’s how we shot Jamie Farr on “Mash.” Yeah, I know. He’s only about two feet tall.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Ellen DeGeneres for Dr. Sattler.

Ellen DeGeneres: Alright, wow. That’s a gigantic pile of dino poop. I’ve had stools on stage before but this is ridiculous. I’m just kidding. I’m 90’s Ellen.

[Cut to Wesley Snipes]

Wesley Snipes: Hey, I’m telling y’all. Spend your money. Alright? IRS can’t take it if it’s already spent. Can’t take something already gone. That’s a tax loophole for you, brother.

Director: Wesley.

Wesley Snipes: Huh?

Director: Could we get the line?

Wesley Snipes: Oh, yeah.  Bingo, dino DNA. Now, if y’all want my accountant’s number it’s 1900–

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Roseanne Barr for John Hammond.

Roseanne Barr: Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Director: Nope.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Adam Sandler for Muldoon.

Adam Sandler: Alright. Thank you.

[singing in squeaky voice] turkey lurkey doo and turkey lurkey dee
I like the T-Rex, does T-Rex like me?

[screaming] Just shut up!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Whoopi Golberg as Dr. Sattler.

Whoopi Goldberg: Well, let’s talk about it. Coz the last thing I need right now is dinosaurs. And then, I’ll get he dinosaur look like [making face]

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Pee Wee Herman.

Pee Wee Herman: Ha-ha. Uh-uh-uh! You didn’t say the magic word. Ha! Ha! Ha-ha.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Drew Barrymore for Dr. Sattler.

Drew Barrymore: [in shaky voice] There are brontosauruses and brachiosauruses and apatosauruses. But I have to wonder, are we playing god?.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Joey Lawrence from Blossom.

Director: Okay, react to seeing a dinosaur for the first time.

Joey Lawrence: Whoa!

Director: Alright. Wanna try anything else?

Joey Lawrence: No!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Gwen Stefoni as the teenage girl.

Gwen Stefoni: I’m just a girl. Don’t need me, big dinosaur.

Director: Can we get a frighten scream?

Gwen Stefoni: [in girly way] Oooh!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Sinbad.

[Sinbad is there with a mic doing standup.]

Sinbad: Now, y’all know that my wife is a triceratops, right? Yeah. I wait downstairs while she tries on several touch. How y’all doing? Y’all good?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Al Pacino.

Al Pacino: Welcome to Jurassic Park, you dumb [bleep].

Director: Hey, Al Pacino, this movie is supposed to be PG.

Al Pacino: PG? That’s gonna be a [bleep] nightmare for this guy. No, no, no, no, no, no. Alright, which dinosaur do I buy the cocaine from?

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Lisa Kudrow.

Lisa Kudrow: Well, there’s T-Rex. And must- must move faster. Must move faster. Oh, no. Oh, no. Must move faster.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jaleel White.

Director: Okay, so you just let all the dinosaurs loose on the island.

Jaleel White: Did I do that? I got bitches in my trailer. I gotta go, man.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Eddie Vedder for the soundtrack.

Eddie Vedder: [singing] Raptors are opening, opening the door. Daddy!

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Jodie Foster as Mr. DNA.

Jodie Foster: [whispering] Sometimes a mosquito would get caught in the sap. It was so sticky. So sticky.

Director: Could you try it a little happier?

Jodie Foster: [whispering] That’s the happiest I’ve ever been. Today is my birthday.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Okay. So, if I did let the dinosaurs out, let me tell you how I would have done it. Hypothetically. Man, 1992. Phew. It is good to be OJ right now. Ain’t nothing gonna slow this train down. Go, OJ, Go.

[Cut to clapperboard]

Operator: Clin Eastwood. Take one.

Clint Eastwood: Welcome to Jurassic Park. [he has think long fake dinosaur tail]

[Cut to Jurassic Park video bumper]

Male voice: The 25th anniversary , Jurassic Park.

Weekend Update- Eric and Donald Trump Jr. on Chaos in the White House

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The flurry of staff resignations have led many to say that the Trump White House is in chaos. Here to comment are his first sons, Eric and Donald Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump Jr.: Thanks for having us, Colin. Eric, what do you say?

Eric: Please, make yourself at home.

Donald Trump Jr.: Close, bud, but that’s what you say when someone visits you. Okay.

Colin Jost: So, what are you guys been up to since we saw you last?

Donald Trump Jr.: What we do best. [Eric is copying Donald Trump Jr.’s gestures] Taking the Trump Organization to new heights. I took a trip to India which is an incredibly poor country where I’m hoping to make a lot of money.

Eric: I saw Paddington too.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. You sure did, bud.

Colin Jost: That’s really great. Now, what do you have to say to the claim that the White House is now in chaos?

Donald Trump Jr.: I know it’s played out, Colin. But fake news. I mean, you know our father has a little nickname for you members of the elitist liberal media.

Eric: God damn, Jews!

Donald Trump Jr.: No! No! Eric! Eric, that was awful. Bud, no. That was a bad one, bud. [Colin Jost laughing] You know, these stories you’ve heard are complete fabrications. Our father has everything completely under control. In fact, Colin, we spoke to our father right before we came out here and he said–

Eric: [interrupting] Stop bringing Eric on TV with you.

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, he did say that. But he also said, “Just be honest.” That’s what’s so ridiculous about the claims of this adult film star. [Eric does the holding breasts hand gesture.] She and my father never had relationship.

Eric: They just wrestled in bed.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. [Donald Trump Jr. pulls out a book] You wanna read your book, buddy?

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: New one. [Eric is looking at the book] And as far as this chaos, Colin, staff turnover is good. [Eric is just reading the book’s cover] Eric, don’t just read the cover, buddy. It’s a book. Look, it’s a pop-up book.

[Donald Trump Jr. opens the book. Flowers pop out of the book. Eric gets scared.]

No. Don’t be scared, bud. It’s supposed to do that. Buddy, it’s a pop-up book.

Eric: Pop-pop?

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Pop-up. Pop-up.

Eric: Pop?

Donald Trump Jr.: We’ll put it on a flashcard, bud. It’s okay. Just read. [Eric is still scared] It’s okay. It’s not gonna hurt you, buddy. [to Colin Jost] As I was saying, Colin, turnover is a good thing.

[Eric turns the page looking scared. But as the page turns and a house pops up, he is very excited.]

I see. it’s fun to read, right? What’s that word?

Eric: Ssss.

Donald Trump Jr.: She. [to Colin Jost] Things are running smoothly. There is no chaos. And my father is in complete control. Now, we have to run. We have a big day tomorrow.

Eric: We’re going Good Will Hunting.

Donald Trump Jr.: Told you, bud. It’s Big Game Hunting. Big Game Hunting.

Eric: Matt Damon’s still gonna be there?

Donald Trump Jr.: Matt Damon was never gonna be there.

Colin Jost: Eric and Donald Trump Jr., everyone.

Sasquatch

Melissa Villaseñor

Jackie… Heidi Gardner

Matt… Sterling K. Brown

Randy… Mikey Day

Pete Davidson

[Cut to a video of jungle myst. The caption reads “It came from the woods.”]

[Cut to five people enjoying campfire in Chauncey State Park at 11:43 PM.]

Melissa: Hey, Jackie. You’re gonna sneak into Matt’s tent again tonight and get down?

All: Ooh!

Jackie: Shut up. We didn’t have like, full on sex.

Matt: We made love over the clothes.

[Jackie looks at Matt angrily]

[there’s some animal sound coming from the bushes.]

Randy: You guys hear that? [Everybody stands. Randy walks near the bushes.] Hello?

[Something walks out of the bushes]

Jackie: Matt, what the hell is that?

Matt: Randy, freeze. I think that’s a Sasquatch.

Pete: Yo! That’s Bigfoot. Yo, I gotta get a selfie.

Matt: No! Everybody stay absolutely still. I watch a lot of monkey man on Discovery. Apes feel threatened by sudden movements.

[The Sasquatch is near Randy]

Randy: [doing hand gestures] Me. Friend. Me nice. No hurt. Friends. Friends. Friends. Me, you, the same.

[Sasquatch punches Randy]

Oh! What the hell! Matt!

Matt: Don’t freak out.

[Sasquatch is putting his fingers in Randy’s mouth.]

Randy: Matt? Matt? He wants to put his fingers in my mouth, Matt!

Matt: Bro, just let him do it. He is establishing dominance.

Randy: Oh, they smell like dried poo. Am I gonna get sick?

Jackie: Let him, Randy. God!

Randy: Matt! Get the shotgun out of your car!

Matt: Buckshot will barely leave a mark on this thing. [calling the Sasquatch] Hey! [moves near the fire] Fire! Huh? Hot. Warm.

[Sasquatch walks to the fire]

Randy: Fire.

[Sasquatch burns himself, runs backward and beats Randy.]

Matt: Oh, damn!

Randy: No! [yelling] No! Me strong. No, me strong. Me alpha. [Sasquatch and Randy growl at each other] You go. [Randy pushes Sasquatch and it leaves.] Yes, that’s right. [to his friends] What you think about that, Matt? King Kong ain’t got nothing.

[Sasquatch runs in and hits Randy. Randy falls down.]

Oh, Matt!

[Sasquatch pulls Randy up]

Okay!

Matt: Just go with him, Randy. You challenged him. So he is shaming you now.

Randy: Matt! He is making me hold his part.

Matt: Primates do this. I think it’s very common, maybe. He’s showing how non threatening you are.

[Sasquatch takes Randy’s hat and pees on it.]

Randy: Oh! He’s peeing on my hat, Matt!

Matt: He’s marking you. The process has begun.

[Pete is taking pictures of Sasquatch and Randy]

Randy: Don’t post that.

[Sasquatch gestures for Randy to put the hat back on.]

Put it on? Oh!

Matt: Oh, bro. That’s not good.

[Sasquatch pulls Randy towards the fire.]

Randy: What are you doing? Matt? Matt?

Matt: Just let him do it, Randy.

[Sasquatch makes Randy sit near the fire. He is placing his butt on Randy’s shoulders.]

Randy: What is this?

Pete: Ha-ha-ha-h.

Randy: Wiping his ass on my hat.

Matt: It will be over before you know it, bro.
Pete: Randy, catch!

[Pete throws a baseball bat to Randy. Randy catches it.]

Randy: [pointing the bat to the Sasquatch] Batter up!

[Sasquatch punches Randy again. It takes the baseball bat and starts hitting Randy with it. Randy runs into the tent.]

Matt, he has the bat.

[Sasquatch runs to the tend and start hitting it from the outside. It pulls the whole tent into the bushes.]

Jackie: Oh, no. Randy. He is–

[Randy jumps in]

Randy: Right here. I slipped out the back-flap of the tent. He may have a big foot, but I have a big brain.

[Sasquatch runs in near Randy again]

Matt?

[Sasquatch punches Randy into the sky.]

The Champions

Todd Hamel… Mikey Day

Charles Barkley

Alex Rodriguez

DC Timmons… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Champions intro]

[Cut to Todd Hamel in his set]

Todd Hamel: Welcome to The Champions. Conversations with some of the best athletes ever to play the game. I’m your host, Todd Hamel. Today, we’re talking to huge names from three different sports. He was named one of the 50 greatest players in NBA history, sir Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley: How are you doing?

[cheers and applause]

Todd Hamel: He is a 14 time all star who won the world series with the Yankeez in 2009, Alex Rodriguez.

Alex Rodriguez: Thank you for having me.

Todd Hamel: And dubbed the hardest hitting man in the NFL, legendary Pittsburgh Stealers linebacker, DC Timmons.

DC Timmons: Alright, now. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, alright! Nice to be here with these gentlemen. I admire you both playing your little games.

Charles Barkley: Little games? Come on, man!

DC Timmons: Ay! No disrespect, now. I mean, I know you have fun bouncing the baskyball, or skipping around the bases in your little tights. But football is war. Helmet to helmet. You break a finger? Suck it up, punk! You get knocked down seven times in one game, next time you better make it eight, sucker! But hey, you know what they say. If you wanna run with the big dogs, stay out of the kitchen. Coz your kitchen is full of dogs, Greg. [Putting his hand on Alex Rodriguez’s shoulder]

Alex Rodriguez: What? Who’s Greg?

DC Timmons: Exactly!

Charles Barkley: You alright, man?

DC Timmons: Ay, you alright too. [DC Timmons does fist bump with Charles Barkley] Alright. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Todd Hamel is speechless]

Todd Hamel: Um, well, DC brings up an interesting topic. Which league do you think is the toughest to plan?

Alex Rodriguez: Well, baseball has a grueling schedule with spring training and post season. You play up to 200 gams in 230 days.

Charles Barkley: Yeah. You spend half of time on the bench. The NBA is much tougher. We play 82 games. And you’re running 30 minutes a game or more.

Alex Rodriguez: Wait a minute, Charles. I watch. You weren’t always running.

Charles Barkley: Pfft!

DC Timmons: You wanna talk about running? Man, the football field is a 100 yards long. That’s 100 feet. And every foot matters, every down matters, and every kiss begins with Q.

Alex Rodriguez: I think that’s a K.

DC Timmons: Oh, sure it’s okay, Greg. [Putting his hand on Alex Rodriguez’s shoulder] You gotta get woke. It’s 2007!

Alex Rodriguez: Wow! Look, baseball players historically get injured often.

Todd Hamel: Yeah. But baseball player thinks a broken fingernail is an injury. Am I right?

DC Timmons: Ha-ha-ha! Sure you’re right, Greg! [pointing at Charles Barkley] I mean, look at the pretty boy over here. [pointing at Alex Rodriguez] A the Rod Johnson. Huh! His face still looking good. That don’t happen coming out of NFL. You see half of these teeth? [showing his teeth] Half of these teeth is fake. This eye? This eye made a sugar. Yeah. And this arm? Man! This arm was made by the wizards at industrial light and magic. [making magical noises] But it was all worth it [showing his three fingers without rings] for these four championship rings, baby! Count them up. Uno. Dos. Migos. Bekos. And that makes four.

Charles Barkley: You know what? I’ma change my mind. Football is definitely the toughest sport.

Alex Rodriguez: You know what? I change my mind too. It’s football. I mean, look at this poor dude.

[DC Timmons is looking here and there, acting all weird.]

Charles Barkley: Yeah. He’s calling everybody Greg. I’m glad NFL address these concussion rules.

DC Timmons: Come on, Greg! These new rules are ridiculous, man. Let me tell you something. Football is about– [DC Timmons stops moving]

Todd Hamel: DC?

DC Timmons: Yeah. I’ll have number three with fries and a diet coke.

Todd Hamel: [nods his head] Alright, let’s keep going. Despite the rigors of the game, each of you had a long career. Alex, you played for 22 years. And Charles, you played for 16 seasons.

Charles Barkley: I did. But the last four were in Houston. That should just count as one.

Todd Hamel: And DC, you played for [looking at the notes] nine games.

DC Timmons: Yes, sir. Nine games. Spread out over the coarse of seven seasons through the injuries and the death in the family.

Todd Hamel: Oh. I’m so sorry.

DC Timmons: Oh, no. It’s fine. I was only dead for a few minutes.

Todd Hamel: I see. Well, for every athlete, someday the game has to end. What advice do you have for former pros starting their post playing careers?

Alex Rodriguez: Well, I would say think about your next move before you leave the game. Luckily, many athletes can make money doing endorsements.

DC Timmons: Oh, I’ve been down that road just like you, pretty boy. Yeah. I’ve been up down the billboard in my underwear. Um-hmm.

Alex Rodriguez: Yeah. It’s pretty embarrassing, right?

DC Timmons: Yeah. Specially when the police got to come and get you down!

Charles Barkley: I’m worried about what football did to this man’s head.

Alex Rodriguez: Yeah. I know it’s tough for older players.

DC Timmons: Yeah. It sure is. Luckily for me, I’m only 27.

Charles Barkley: Damn!

Todd Hamel: With that, let’s take a break. When we come back, our pannel will take us through their career highlights. Stay right there.

[DC Timmons walks very close to camera]

DC Timmons: Yeah. Like I said, the number three with fries.

Todd Hamel: DC! DC!