Tag: Weekend Update

Weekend Update A Spotted Lanternfly on Being an Invasive Species

Michael Che

Lantern Fly… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This summer in invasive species, the spotted lantern fly has spread throughout the Northeast destroying local vegetation. Experts are so concerned, they are encouraging people to kill them on site. And if you’ve seen one, you might agree. Let’s take a look.

[Cut to lantern fly]

Lantern Fly: I’m the spotted lantern fly. I don’t care what experts say I’m gonna eat your crop. Scientists are concerned about my high reproductive capacity cuz I’m a player. That’s why people come I’ll meet a player. My last goals are to lay eggs, be on Judge duty and to eat every crop. And there’s nothing stupid farmers can do to change my mind.

[Cut to Michael Che.]

Michael Che: Wow. Well let’s bring him out. A spotted lantern fly everyone.

[Lantern Fly slides in] [cheers and applause]

Lantern Fly: Yeah, I love that crop. That’s right. Boo me. Y’all don’t even know me. Boo me haters. Y’all haters can kiss my ass, aka, my seminole secretion pouch.

Michael Che: Whoa! Lantern fly, you’re coming in a little aggressive.

Lantern Fly: Oh, I’m aggressive? I’m the one who’s doing the aggressing Michael Che? They’re telling their children to stomp me to death. What is this, Mazda Germany?

Michael Che: I think you mean Nazi German.
Lantern Fly: I don’t know what I mean. I’m a bug. I’m trying to live my life, find a mate and have 3-4000 babies.

Michael Che: That’s a lot of babies.

Lantern Fly: Hey, they hating, I’m mating. Okay? Who wouldn’t want to sit on this? Oh, yeah! No, look at that under wing. It’s given ruse. Yeah! This what look like y’all trying to stop me. Ugh! Ugh! Keep stomping. I look gorgeous dead, bitch.

Michael Che: Okay, lantern fly. What do you say to people accusing you of being an invasive species?

Lantern Fly: Invasive? Oh, my family has been in this country for generations. 80 of them.

Michael Che: And how long is that?

Lantern Fly: About four month?

Michael Che: Well, you’ve also been threatening to local vegetation.

Lantern Fly: Oh, how? Because I jump on a tree and stick my mouth on it and suck all the sap out till it’s dead? Oh, y’all got a problem with that? Oh, I’m here now bitch. Cash me outside. Sucking all your trees to dead.

Michael Che: Lantern fly, please calm down. I think people have the right to be upset. I mean people rely on the crops you’re destroying.

Lantern Fly: I don’t care. Crops knows what they did. Crops frighten me. And if I see crops, I’m sucking them on site.

Michael Che: Well, lantern fly, we got a little surprise for you. Crops is actually here tonight.

Lantern Fly: Oh, hell no!

Michael Che: Let’s bring crops out.

[Crop walks in shouting and trying to fight with Lantern Fly]

Crop: Try to suck me to death. Try! You can’t even try.

Lantern Fly: Yes I can.

Crop: Oh, you do lot of talking, but you ain’t doing a lot of sucking.

[Lantern Fly and Crop start fighting.]

Michael Che: Lantern fly, everybody.

Lantern Fly: Keep stomping, bitch. Keep stomping.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Trend Forecasters on Summer Trends

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it’s almost summer and as the weather changes, so do styles and trends. Here to comment on what’s in for summer or to trend forecasters.

[Trend forecasters slide in] [cheers and applause]

Aidy: Yes, here we go now.

Michael Che: Thanks for coming back. I can see you’re ready for warm weather.

Aidy: Yes. We had a meeting this morning with the Sun.

Bowen: We typed what it told us into our big throbbing computer. Here is the report.

[music playing]

Aidy: Our first category is summer fruit trends.

Bowen: In, grapes with seeds.

Aidy: In, tying cherry stem with tongue to impress for sex.

Bowen: In, watermelon sugar song. And out…

Aidy and Bowen: Navel orange.

Bowen: Navel orange? Eww! Why do you have a belly button? You’re a fruit!

Aidy: What’s next? Honey  doos with C section scar?

Aidy and Bowen: Navel orange, go to bed, bitch.

Michael Che: Why do you guys always have to yell?

Aidy: Because if we whisper, no one listens. Our next category is greeting trends in. In, hey.

Bowen: In, Catherine?

Aidy: In, come on in guys. Welcome to Hooters.

Bowen: And out…

Aidy and Bowen: This is your captain speaking.

Bowen: Huh? No! You’re flying a plane, not hosting a podcast.

Aidy: You’re a pilot. Captains are for boats, you sky bitch!

Bowen: By the way, your girl workers are giving me vodka back here. We’re having an amazing time without you.

Aidy and Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Go to bed, bitch.

Michael Che: Are you both okay? Are you okay?

[Aidy screams]

Aidy: Oh, no. We’re terrified. Because the next category is here.

Aidy and Bowen: Time trends.

Aidy: In 3:25 PM.

Bowen: In, about 10 to 15 minutes.

Aidy: In, midnight when you turn to pumpkin.

Bowen: And out…

Aidy and Bowen: When the kitchen is closed.

Bowen: Well, the kitchen’s closed? Well, how interesting. I can see people moving around back there.

Aidy: All I want is a complicated dish that’s not on the menu and I’m allergic to everything.

Bowen: The kitchen’s closed?

Aidy and Bowen: Go to bed, bitch.

Michael Che: Yeah. I love when you guys come but I never understand anything you are saying.

Aidy: Well, good. Than just enjoy the view, Mr. Che.

Bowen: And pay attention to future trends.

Aidy: In, 10 nice years.

Bowen: In, a friend I couldn’t have done this without.

Aidy: And wow, look who’s back. In.

Bowen: It’s navel orange, we love your girl.

Aidy: Congratulations, naval orange.

[clapping]

Michael Che: Wait. So, what’s gonna be out in the future?

Aidy: Well Michael, the computer has ousted three trends.

Bowen: And you know they have to be a victor to hell.

Aidy: Out, is pretty little bouquet…

Bowen: Expensive tiara…

Aidy and Bowen: And Michael che.

[Michael Che is holding a pretty little bouquet and wearing a tiara]

Michael Che: [screaming] No!

Aidy: But, I’m just hearing. Something new is in. In, my best guys kissing me.

Bowen: Well, then we must.

[Michael Che and Bowen kiss Aidy on her cheeks]

Michael Che: Trend forecasters, everybody.

Aidy: We love you.

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Says Goodbye for Now

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: well guys, it is the final episode of the season. Here to talk about it is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey. Thank you. Hello. Thanks. Hello Colin and Che, and millions of people only watching to see if I bring up Kanye.

Colin Jost: Yeh, Pete, you’ve had a weird year.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, little bit. Yeah. I just I never imagined this would be my life. You know? I mean, look at me when I started here. [a picture of Pete Davidson when he just started appears on left top corner] Like back then, I was just like a skinny kid and no one knew what race I was. And like now, everyone knows him white because I became hugely successful while barely showing up to work. Like live with me now, I’m aging like an old banana. And Colin still looks like the only Kennedy who doesn’t drink.

Colin Jost: Thanks, Pete. So are you officially leaving?

Pete Davidson:  Yeah, man. Lorne accidentally gifted me a sock, so I’m free.

Colin Jost: Has a lot has changed since you started here?

Pete Davidson: A lot has changed. In three years, Fox News went from calling me a monster for making fun of Congressman Dan Crenshaw’s eyepatch to also making fun of Dan Crenshaw as I patch. Tucker Carlson called him “Eyepatch McCain”. That’s two veterans in one insult. Geez Colin, your dad’s a dick.

Colin Jost: Actually, Pete, I’m not related to Tucker Carlson.

Pete Davidson: Well, I learned something new every day. But In fairness, though, to what I originally said, because clearly it still bothers me, what I was saying, I was simply making a joke about someone’s appearance without realizing that the medical condition behind it was a sensitive issue, which is an SNL alumni tradition. [picture of Chris Rock getting smacked by Will Smith appears on left top corner] Hear, on one hand, I don’t like that people think they could just run up on stage and hit a comedian, but on the other, it’s how I know all my shows will now be sold out.

Colin Jost: Pete Is there anything you’re gonna miss about this place?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah, Lorne, for sure. He’s amazing. He’s led us through the COVID era, even though the only time he wears a mask is that his Eyes Wide Shut parties. Yeah. He always gives the best advice. Really, this is all true advice that Lorne has given me. I’ll never forget this. I called him and said— When I got engaged, I said, “Lorne, I just got engaged to Ariana Grande after dating for two weeks.” And he said, “Oh, hold on for dear life.” It’s a true thing. And then I remember when I auditioned for SNL, he looked me right in the eye and said, “I don’t know. I don’t think you’re right for this show. So let’s screw this up together.” And that’s exactly what we did. And that’s why people who don’t think I deserve this job shouldn’t hate me since we have so much in common. Like, if anything, I should inspire hope, you know, like that literally anyone could be on Saturday Night Live. Seriously, you see a guy bumming cigarettes outside of 7Eleven at 2 AM? That’s not some meth head. That’s the next Pete Davidson.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m gonna miss you, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Oh, well, thanks, Colin. Even though I know it says that on your cue card. You’ve been like an older brother to me. In the way that my mom openly loves you more than she does me. And I appreciate SNL always having my back and allowed me to work on myself and grow. And you know, thank you to Lorne for never giving up on me or, you know, judging me even when like everyone else was and for believing in me and allowing me to have a place that I can call home with the memories that will last a lifetime. So thank you guys.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Guy Who Just Bought a Boat on Romantic Summer Getaways

Colin Jost

The guy… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well with COVID restrictions relaxing, many Americans are planning to travel abroad this summer. Here with his tips for romantic international getaways is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in] [cheers and applause]

The guy: Bonjour Co-Jo. Molto bellissima. Guess who’s got two tickets to bump and thighs Yes.

Colin Jost: All right, man. I’m already regretting this, but let’s hear some of your travel tips.

The guy: You gotta Co-JJ. Now let’s talk best plays to get the best lays on vacays, okay? Take your new girl to the old world. The South of France is perfect for mouth in pants. And if a nude beach is an appealing feat, head down to the French riviera to see knees cans. Soon she’ll want you to be like Napoleon and bone her parts. I have a small penis. But don’t just stay in France amigos, as many women have told me you’ve actually got to move around down there. So hop a train. Euro rail is your ticket to Euro tail. So many choice stops, maybe try Berlin to rail her in. And before you know it, you’ll be exploring her black forest and she’ll be moaning in your ear “This is the worst thing to ever happen in Germany.”

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Come on, man.

The guy: Oh yeah. Come on, I shall. Now if you don’t want to be an Algo Americano, you got to blend in with the low calls Jost. So grab a guidebook and remember, Rick Steves leads to slick bebes. And there’s nothing scarier than a language barrier, a little Duolingo and you’ll be doing Lingus. [foreign language] Mi jamon es muy pequeñito.

Colin Jost: Your ham is tiny?

The guy: Si, abuelita. Speaking of small servings, head to Barcelona and sample the local tap ass or bounce over to the Amalfi, Jost. We’re talking Italy, okay? And to get your bologna into some pussa-tano, don’t forget about her Naples, if you want her to gobble goo.

Colin Jost: Hh my god.

The guy: We made it.

Colin Jost: Some people are like, visibly sick. Why would any woman want to be with you?

The guy: Well, I have to admit Co-Jo, I have driven many lady to the Isle of Lesbos.

Colin Jost: Oh, man.

The guy: In my boat Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Guy had just bought a boat everyone.

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update Black Market Baby Formula Trumps New Book on 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar at left top corner.]

Well, at last year’s finale, it seemed like COVID was fading. And I said we were about to have the horniest summer ever. And now summer’s hottest STD is monkeypox. That’s how weird and bad things have gone. The stock market is crashing. There’s a war in Europe. Everyone on This Is Is is about to croak. The future is looking pretty bleak. I mean, you’d have to be crazy to bring a child into the world right now. I mean, I just did, but don’t worry, I’ve been hoarding baby formula.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tucker Carlson at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Recent report shows that Fox News hosts Tucker Carlson seen here bragging about how big it is has repeatedly pushed the theory that Democrats want to replace white people with minorities. But that doesn’t even make sense because white people still exist. It’s not like they suddenly turn into minorities, unless it’s Halloween. Tucker Carlson has got a lot of nerve pushing these wild conspiracy theories, because if he thinks the government has a secret block to help minorities, well, he must be smoking that crack the CIA secretly put in black neighborhoods.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Liz Cheney at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Representative Liz Cheney attack the House GOP leadership saying they’ve enabled white supremacy and anti semitism. House leadership rejected Cheney’s attacks, calling them “cheaper than a black rabbi.”

[picture changes to Doug Mastraino]

Right wing right wing election denier Doug Mastriano, whose face appears to be photoshopped onto a hot dog won the Pennsylvania Republican primary for governor and said if he’s elected, he would be so far to the right, he would make Ron DeSantis look like a centrist instead of what DeSantis looks like now, my dad watching me in the school musical.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Elon Musk at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Elon Musk defended himself from allegations that he reportedly exposed himself to a flight attendant on his private jet saying, “If I were inclined to engage in sexual harassment, this is unlikely to be the first time in my entire 30 year career that it comes to light.” Oh, sorry, we were looking for a symbol did not do it. The answer was did not do it.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Republicans in Georgia are concerned that Donald Trump has endorsed candidates in the primaries who aren’t qualified. For instance, his pick for attorney general is literally 90s action star Steven Seagal. Now that’s not true. But what does it say about Trump that you didn’t doubt it for a second?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article saying “Rich families buying black market formula” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rich parents across the country are reportedly stocking up on black market baby formula, which I assume is formula that was supposed to go to black markets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Taylor Swift at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Taylor Swift gave a commencement address at NYU’s graduation ceremony this week, because college is a lot like breaking up with Taylor Swift. You’re still going to be paying for a decades later.

[Cut to Michael Che.There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Former President Trump announced that he is writing a book about alleged voter fraud in the presidential election. The book will contain 8000 commas and no periods.

Weekend Update Arbys Manager Arrested 82yearold College Graduate

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There are pictures of Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Fairmont plus announced they are making a new Yellowstone prequel series that will start Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren. The 79 year old Ford will play a wealthy ranch owner while the 76 year old Mirren will play his grandmother.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a map of Mississippi at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new report shows that the state with the highest obesity rate in the country is Mississippi. It’s gotten so bad, doctors had to remove its foot. [the map of Mississippi loses the bottom part] [picture changes to a Frontier Airlines]

An attendant on a Frontier Airlines flight helped deliver a passengers baby while heading to Florida, because on Frontier, it’s not even worth asking if anyone on board is adopted.

Michael Che: Queen Elizabeth made a surprise public appearance this week at the opening of a new train line in London after Prince Charles tied her to the tracks. It’s not real.

[picture changes to a painting]

A painting by Pablo Picasso portraying his lover as a sea creature was sold at auction for $67 million. It’s a beautiful abstract expression of his love and admiration that he named Teddy squid.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of TikTok logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There are growing number of nuns who are joining TikTok to show with life in a convent is really like, because when the Catholic Church tries to connect with young people, it always goes well.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Students post picture spelling N word”]

Well, This will get you back. A school district in Florida is investigating a picture posted online of students spelling out the N word. It’s a shocking instance of Florida students being able to spell.

[Picture changes to Arby’s drink]

A manager of an Arby’s in Washington– This is a terrible transition. A manager of an Arby’s in Washington has been arrested for distributing child porn. If convicted, he could face up to 20 years as a manager at Subway. The man also told police that he urinated in milkshakes for his own sexual gratification. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the milkshakes tasted better.

[Cut to Arby’s commercial]

Male voice: Arby’s, we have the pee pee shakes.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a mountain lion at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A California hiker who was attacked by a mountain lion said that her dogs saved her life by jumping to her defense because after the dog, the mountain lion was way too full to eat anything else. It’s not real.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Woman discovers she had Michael Chend vagina” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A British woman discovered when she got pregnant that she had a second tiny vagina. Yeah, the butt.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “82  year old woman graduates from college” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A woman in Maryland graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday. Apparently it took her so long because she’s very, very dumb. I’m gonna do another one. A woman in Maryland graduated from college a day after her 82nd birthday, but I heard they only passed up because her roommate died.

Weekend Update Ukraine Wins Eurovision 7000 NYC Rat Sightings Reported

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of “EuroVision” poster at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Hello, guys. This just in. The winner of this year’s EuroVision Song Contest is Kalush Orchestra, a group from Ukraine. And this is cool, if you combine every member of Kalush orchestra, you get Post Malone.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picturer of a pink and green roller skate shoes with small heel on it at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that a new disco theme Roller Skating Rink will open this summer in Central Park. Another classic 70s trend returning to the park this summer? Stabbings.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a Barbie at let top corner.]

Colin Jost: Makers of Barbie have introduced the first ever Barbie with hearing aids. It teaches an important lesson – It doesn’t matter if you’re deaf as long as that body banging.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kevin Spacey at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kevin Spacey will star in a historical drama about Genghis Khan’s grandson. Said Spacey, “You had me a grandson.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat and a New York city at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York city officials say they have received over 7,000 rat sightings here in New York. So everybody, look under your seat!

[picture changes to a chimpanzee]

The Oklahoma city zoo announced that a 14 year old endangered chimpanzee named Nyaya is pregnant. Said the zoo’s janitor, “She told me she was 18!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mega Millions logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The wrong number was announced in this week’s $86 million Mega Millions jackpot drawing which is why I had to go into Lorne’s office and un-quit.

Weekend Update Field Correspondent Sarah Sherman Gives an SNL Studio Tour

Colin Jost

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well guys, we are nearing the end of the season and here to tell us what she learned and give us a tour backstage is Weekend Update field correspondent, Sarah Sherman.

[Cut to Sarah Sherman walking within the audience]

Sarah Sherman: Hi, Colin. I’m gonna kick off the tour in our studio audience. It’s been a great show tonight with lots of great Weekend Update jokes from Michael Che specifically.

Colin Jost: Alright. Didn’t love the “specifically” there, Sarah, but Sure. Go ahead and take us backstage.

Sarah Sherman: God, so many legends have passed through these hallowed halls. Will Ferrell, Kristen Wiig, a bunch of crew guys you think I’m an ugly little boy? And oh my god. How cool? Here we have my clothing rack. This is where they keep my size zero pants.

Colin Jost: Yeah, those actually look like children’s pants?

Sarah Sherman: Children’s pants, sort of your area of expertise.

Colin Jost: Please, let’s not do this, okay Sarah?

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that you should be quiet.

Colin Jost: All right. Okay. All right. Well, let’s just— Can we please just keep going with your backstage tour, okay?

Sarah Sherman: And what do we have here? Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Colin Jost dressing room. Or as our female interns like to call it “the Chamber of Secrets”.

[Sarah Sherman walks inside Colin’s dressing room]

Colin Jost: Okay, no. Nobody calls it that. Sarah please do not go in there.

Sarah Sherman: Too late. Folks, the scene in here is abysmal. On this mirror, Colin has put up all of his humiliating daily affirmations. “You are funny.” “You are handsome.” “You are the real king of Staten Island.” And this one just says “Reminder: Dinner tonight with Giuliani.”

Colin Jost: Sara I did not write those.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my God, Colin, what are you obsessed with me? [showing a full wall of pictures of her behind her]

Colin Jost: Those are are not mine. Those are not mine either. You clearly put those in there.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, really? What’s all this then? [she tries to show something, but it falls down accidentally. She’s looking down for it, but she can’t find it.] Aww, the thing that I threw?

[Colin Jost laughing out loud]

Colin Jost: Yeah, that was the news you were going to show, but you don’t have it.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, and what do we have here folks? It’s Colin’s famous intern kid. [Sarah Sherman pulls out a cover and inside, there’s an intern inside a pet cage.] Hello. Looks like somebody messed up a Starbucks order. Hey buddy, for next time Colin, likes his coffee with no milk, no sugar, no coffee and just vodka.

Colin Jost: Sarah, I told you. You have to stop putting interns in cages in my dressing room.

Sarah Sherman: Oh my god, Colin, are you collecting my underwear? Wow, I cannot believe you’re the guy I’ve been selling these to.

Colin Jost: Alright, someone please just cut her feed off.

Sarah Sherman: Oh, I’m actually just getting word right now that we have breaking news from the Update desk from my correspondent and best friend, Michael Che.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a poster of Colin Jost hushing Sarah at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Thanks, Sarah. This just in. Local panties sniffer Colin Jost wants to silence Sarah Sherman in his ongoing quest to tear down Jewish women? Back to you Colin.

Colin Jost: All right. Field correspondent, Sarah Sherman, everyone.

Sarah Sherman: Love you, Colin.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Sarah Sherman: And I’m Sarah.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Cryptocurrency Crashes Mitch McConnell Visits Ukraine

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a red moon and Calendar marked on 13th of May at left top corner.]

Well, if you feel like things are a little off this week, remember, yesterday was Friday the 13th. Tomorrow is a super Blood Moon. And according to the most annoying person you know, Mercury is in retrograde. Is it me or does every story this week sound like the opening voiceover in a Mad Max movie? “The year is 2022. A virus rages across the planet. Digital money has collapsed. Infants have nothing to eat. Women are forced to breed. Men are ready to die for gasoline. And we suffer under the leadership of the one known only as Joe.”

Crypto currency crashed this week with Bitcoin losing nearly half its value. And now it has to legally change its name to bit o’ coin. In fact, the entire crypto market has lost over a trillion dollars. But don’t worry, you can make that money back fast as long as you’ve been hoarding baby formula. [picture changes to empty stacks at supermarket.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an empty shelf at a supermarket at left top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, this baby formula shortage is scary. I mean, babies are very sensitive. You can’t just feed them anything. I once tried to give my little nephew something different than his usual formula and he nearly choked on that hot wing bone.

[Picture changes to the Capitol building]

The January 6 committee has subpoenaed five sitting Republican Congressman after they refuse to testify voluntarily. Say the Republican congressmen, “You can’t force us to do anything. We’re not pregnant.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost Senator Mitch McConnell, seen here watching a shelter dog get passed up for adoption, led a congressional delegation for a surprise visit to Ukraine today. It’s weird because usually when McConnell shows up by surprise, it’s behind you in the bathroom mirror.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Amazon logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Amazon announced that it will pay employees who have to travel to get an abortion up to $4,000 in expenses every year. The only catch is you got to do it during the eight minute lunch break.

[picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

There is renewed speculation about Vladimir Putin’s health after he was photographed at a military parade with a heavy blanket Across his lap. But hear me out, maybe the blanket is because thinking about war gets him hard as hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Trump hotel sold for reported $375 million” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Trump International Hotel in Washington DC has been sold for a reported $375 million. “Well, I wouldn’t say reported”, said the IRS.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Rock Star escapes as delivery worker”]

A member of the punk rock group Pussy Riot, which has long protested Vladimir Putin revealed that she fled the country disguised as a food delivery worker, which explains this notification from DoorDash.

[picture changes to a Doordash notification that says “Pussy is on the way!”] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of iPod touch at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple announced that after 20 years, it will stop production of its iPod touch because Apple products become obsolete once they’re older than the kids who make them.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of the game Wordle with the answer “Fetus” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: New York Times said it changed the answer for Monday’s Wordle, which was Fetus because it was too closely connected to a major news story. Tough news for psychos whose first word of guests is always “Fetus”.

Weekend Update Baby Yoda on His Spiritual Awakening

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: With Disney+’s new Obi Wan Kenobi series on the way, it’s a great time to be a Star Wars fan. Here to catch us up on all things Star Wars is baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in]

Baby Yoda: I love you, man. Che! What? Ooh!

Michael Che: What’s up, Baby Yoda? I love you too. How’s life? You got a new vibe.

Baby Yoda: Life is all good Michael. Real good. Season three, man no coming up, blah blah blah. Work, work, work. [making noise] Yeah, it is very enlightening time for me because actually, I’m spiritual now.

Michael Che: That’s right. You studied the ways of the Force, right?

Baby Yoda: Okay, relax nerd. You know when an Ayahuasca retreat is?

Michael Che: Yeah sure.

Baby Yoda: Yeah so, I basically did that with a bunch of pills and weed. And instead of a spiritual guide walking us through it, my boy Tom Holland got on the AUX cable, and I saw God, I was like, “Oh, snap!”

Michael Che: God. Well, it sounds like a great time. Just make sure you stay safe, man.

Baby Yoda: No, I don’t tell me what to do. But yeah, I’m feeling really peaceful these days. Getting into crystals, red sticks, spicy guacamole. Even got a little community going, very old mindful individuals. Yeah. So, me, Jared Leto, Santana featuring Rob Thomas, Bob the Builder and Tila Tequila.

Michael Che: Sounds like a good crew dude.

Baby Yoda: Yes, of course. But look, I love everyone man. Even my haters.

Michael Che: Really? Because you had some strong words for one hater in particular over the years.

Baby Yoda: Yeah, that’s true, but I’m older now. And I just want to say, baby Groot, I know we had our issues. But I mean this from the bottom of my heart. I really, really don’t like you. Next time I see you, I will chop you down like palm onion, sprinkle you on my blunt and smoke you while I’m in the hot tub with your girl. That being said, I love you. And I always got your back.

Michael Che: What?

Baby Yoda: Come on, man. I’m just a baby.

Michael Che: Baby Yoda, everybody.