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Etiquette Lesson | Season 44 Episode 20

Shante Thomas… Leslie Jones

Vivian Hargrave… Emma Thompson

[Starts with a clip of a castle]

Heidi Gardner: What a pleasant surprise Mr. Thomas. Thank you for joining us.

[Cut to Heidy, Beck and Shante]

Beck Bennett: Tell us how do you know Mrs. Markle, Duchess of Sussex?

[Cut to Shante]

Shante Thomas: I’m Meghan’s third cousin, Shante Thomas of the Compton Thomases. Now she me where the baby at.

[Cut to Heidi and Beck]

Heidi Gardner: Yes. Well, about that, you must understand, when attending royal functions, there’s a protocol everyone must follow.

Beck Bennett: And you must be ready. That’s why we’ve brought in miss Vivian Hargrave. She’s our royal Etiquette coach, and she has never failed. Mrs. Hargrave?

[Cut to everybody. Mrs. Hargrave enters the room.]

Vivian Hargrave: How may I be of service?

Heidi Gardner:  This is Mrs. Shante Thomas. She is to attend the royal christening and reception.

Vivian Hargrave: Goodness. Is that so?

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Well, yes. This will be an experiment, won’t it?

Shante Thomas: Experiment?

Vivian Hargrave: Leave us, please.

[Cut to everyone]

Beck Bennett: As you wish.

[Heidi and Beck leave the room]

Vivian Hargrave: Now then, miss Thomas, have you ever attended high tea?

Shante Thomas: No. But I’ve had tea while I’m high.

Vivian Hargrave: Indeed. Do take a seat. Very well. Back straight, please. Legs together. Napkin folded in half with the crease toward you. Now, do you know the proper way to stir the tea?

[Cut to Shante. She carries a cup of tea and swirls the spoon in it]

Shante Thomas: Yeah. You just, you know, swirl it around like this.

Vivian Hargrave: Yes. [Cut to Vivian and Shante] Well, that’s perfect if you’re entertaining a bunch of howling Dobermans. But that’s not how it’s done here. You see, round and round is a dreadful show. Back and forth is how we go. From six to twelve and back again, back and forth, to stay within. Repeat after me. [Cut to Vivian swirling the teaspoon and singing]

Back and forth

[Cut to Shante]

Shante Thomas: Back and forth

[Cut to Vivian] Vivian Hargrave: Six to twelve

[Cut to Shante]

Shante Thomas: Six to twelve

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Vivian Hargrave: Now stop.

[Shante is still stirring the tea. Vivian slaps the cup out of Shante’s hands and breaks it.]

I said back and forth. Understood?

Shante Thomas: I know you didn’t just smack that out of my hand.

[Cut to Vivian]

Vivian Hargrave: Well, I did indeed and I’ll gladly do it again if you don’t get it right. You do want to attend the Christening, don’t you?

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Shante Thomas: Yes, but—

Vivian Hargrave: Well, very well. Let’s try again.

[Cut to Vivian][Music stars playing.]

Vivian Hargrave: Back and forth

[Cut to Shante]

Shante Thomas: Back and forth

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Vivian Hargrave: Very good. Six to twelve

Shante Thomas: Six to twelve

Vivian Hargrave: May I see that? Don’t you put that spoon in your mouth. [Vivian slaps Shante on her cheek]Did youish—

Shante Thomas: Oh! What is wrong with you?

[Cut to Vivian]

Vivian Hargrave: I’m terribly sorry, but this is a royal event. We simply must get this right.

[Cut to Vivian and Shante]

Shante Thomas: Am I bleeding? Lady, if you smack me one more time—

Vivian Hargrave: What? You’ll do what?

Shante Thomas: I ain’t going to do nothing.

Vivian Hargrave: Excellent. Now let’s move on to scones. Scones are an afternoon tea tradition going back generations. Now, then. Here we are. Please separate your scone into two halves. Separate after me and repeat.

[Music starts playing]

From one to two

Shante Thomas: I don’t want to sing.

Vivian Hargrave: One to two

Shante Thomas: [Getting a knife from he table] One to two 

Vivian Hargrave: Don’t even think about using a knife! [Vivian smacks Shante on her face]

Shante Thomas: You crazy crazy! I don’t even like scones.

Vivian Hargrave: Oh, I see. [Vivian walks behind Shante and starts chocking her]

Shante Thomas: Wait a minute.

Vivian Hargrave: You don’t like scones? Perhaps you prefer to sleep then.

Shante Thomas: I don’t want to sleep.

Shante Thomas: I’ll drink the tea.

[Heidi and Beck walk in]

Beck Bennett: Is everything all right?

Heidi Gardner: We heard noises.

Vivian Hargrave: Yes. Everything going swimmingly. Isn’t it, miss Thomas?

Shante Thomas: Oh, she’s so good. She’s so good. We’re cool.

Heidi Gardner: Wonderful.

Beck Bennett: Lovely.

[Heidi and Beck leave the room again]

Vivian Hargrave: Very well. Let’s move on to the clotted cream.

Shante Thomas: Clotted cream? [Shante carries the plate and takes a look at it.] This look real nasty.

Vivian Hargrave: Perhaps you should try it. [Vivian smashes Shante’s face to the cream] This is the house of Windsor. [Vivian carries a chair and hits Shante with it] Do you understand?

Narrator: In the end Vivian Hargrave triumphed. Shante Thomas attended the christening of the royal baby and she was a model of decorum.

Judge Court | Season 44 Episode 20

Judge Marlene Wett… Aidy Bryant

Judge Christina Miami… Emma Thompson

Judge Linda Christina… Kate McKinnon

Nick Jonas

Joe Jonas

Kevin Jonas

Heidi Gardner

Melissa Villaseñor

Kyle Mooney

Chris Redd

[Starts with an intro]

Narrator: When people do wrong—

Judge Marlene Wett: You’re wrong!

Narrator: You need someone you can trust.

Judge Christina Miami: Oh, please.

Narrator: Or how about some three?

Judge Linda Christina: You’re going to jail.

[Cut to all three judges]

Narrator: For people who like judge Judy but wish it was way less complicated, it’s judge court. Hi. Hi. Hello. Welcome to Judge court.

[Cut to running case in the court]

Judge Linda Christina: Yes, Hi. Hello.

Judge Christina Miami: Welcome to Judge Court.

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. What’s your problem? Go ahead.

[Cut to Heidy Gardner]

Heidy Gardner: Okay, I rented an apartment for 8 months in 2016. In that time, I did not have a bathtub. So I’m seeing recompense for the bathtub.

[Cut to Kyle Mooney]

Kyle Mooney: And I’m saying that’s BS.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Excuse me. Mr. Landlord, how old are you?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Um, 30.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is too young.

All the judges: Yes, you’re going to jail. You’re going to jail.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: Wait, what?

[Cut to video bumper]

Narrator: Judge court. It’s the only courtroom with three judges. Linda Christina. Christina Miami. And Marlene Wet. They tied for last place in their law school class and they’re best friends who have dinner every night.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. Say your issue, please.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: His dog bit me.

[Cut to Chris Redd]

Chris Redd: And he was hungry.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Enough. We have a verdict.

Judge Linda Christina:The dog is entitled to an all expenses paid dinner at Buca Di Beppo.

Judge Marlene Wett: That’s right, the dog is going to dinner with us and you are going to jail.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What? Why?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Excuse me. You do not in here to her.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Do what?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: Listen to me. Listen to me! You see this woman? [All judges pointing each other] This woman. Do you see this woman right here? Do you see her?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, yeah, I see her.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: This woman gave me $10,000 so I could get my painfully shy son a sex pillow for his birthday.

Judge Linda Christina: You see this woman? She dresses me every morning. I fight her the whole way but she does it.

Judge Marlene Wett: You know what? When I was choking on a hard candy, this woman sucked it out through my ass. Okay? It was all—and she was – I was naked of course.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Can I just go to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: When I pee, she wipes.

Judge Christina Miami: When I cry, she screams.

Judge Marlene Wett: And when I need to wake up, she shoots her gun.

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: Are we still doing my case?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Linda Christina: Yeah, yeah, we solved it.

Judge Marlene Wett: Yeah, we release you for your own renaissance.

Judge Christina Miami: Go.

Narrator: Don’t worry. What these ladies lack in understanding of the law, they make up for in catchphrases.

Judge Marlene Wett: Eat dirt.

Judge Christina Miami: Don’t hold my breath.

Judge Linda Christina: Don’t give me boogers and tell me it’s broccoli.

Judge Christina Miami: I think I’m getting off on this.

Judge Marlene Wett: You dumb bitch.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: All right, speak up. If you mumble, you’re going to jail.

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay. Well, these three boys threw a house party in my vacation rental and cost $5 million in damages and now my house is just a burning crater.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re sorry, ma’ams.

Kevin Jonas: We were just boys having fun.

Nick Jonas: But that fun knocked down the house. And that’s not okay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Christina Miami: In your words, what the hell happened?

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: Well, I spilled the snacks.

Kevin Jonas: I brought my skateboard into the living room.

Nick Jonas: And then, I set the house on fire.

Jonas Brothers: We accept the consequences of our horseplay.

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: Okay. That is it. I cannot take it anymore. You are my sons.

Judge Linda Christina: You’re all our sons.

Judge Christina Miami:God, you are perfect.

[Cut to Jonas Brothers]

Joe Jonas: We’re not going to jail?

[Cut to the judges]

Judge Marlene Wett: No, no. We’re all going to dinner. Where’s that dog? Where’s the dog?

[Ends with an outro]

Judge court. On every day for 100 years.