SNL Tonight

Audacity in Advertising Awards

Jake… Jonathan Majors

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Intern… Andrew Dismukes

Human Friend… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Live from the Fox Con Empathy is the Audacity in Advertising Awards. With your hosts Jake from State Farm and Flo from Progressive.

[Jake and Flo walk in]

Flo: Good evening.

Jake: Commercials, they’re tiny movies they play during TV. I love being the face of StateFarm.

Flo: And I signed 100 billion year contract with Progressive and I love that too.

Jake: We’re here tonight to crown the winners of the 2021 Audacity and Advertising awards.

Flo: Also known as the Pepsi’s.

Jake: The Commercials make us buy, make us cry. They make a shout, “How dare you and our TVs?”

Flo: Because these days it’s no longer enough to ask where’s the beef? We must also ask how can it be diversity? We’re so excited to celebrate the most egregious ads of the year. Our first nominee is a moving conversation between a father and son.

[Cut to the commercial. Intern is talking to his dad online.]

Son: Did mom know?

Father: She knew. We still loved each other. I never felt like it was right for me to come out while you guys were still kids. I don’t know what to say.

Son: It’s okay, dad. I miss mom.

Father: Me too. [crying] I’ve wasted my life.

Female voice: Facebook Portal. Share something real.

[cut back to Jake and Flo]

Jake: Wow. Wow. That must have sold a lot of Facebooks.

Flo: Truly stunning.

Jake: We’ll be seeing more of these later in the evening.

Flo: We have so many amazing awards to give out tonight. Like ‘most outrageous use of sign language’ and ‘don’t you make landmines?’

Jake: But first one of my favorite categories, Flo it’s so exciting when you can tell a company doesn’t know how it’s received.

Flo: It can be even more exciting when it feels like they aren’t even sure what it is the thing that they do.

Jake: Here are the nominees for using what to sell what?

[Cut to the ad.]

Flo: Dolphin covered in oil, thrashes in pain, kind fisherman comes and wipes it off. BP.

Jake: Children hold hands over borer wall. O’Neill’s Titanium Border Walls.

Flo: Two undocumented lesbians getting prison married. Sargento cheese.

[Cut back to Jake and Flo]

Jake: And the winner is … BP. The ad execs of this company prefer not to come up here tonight because they are embarrassed. Here to accept the award on their behalf is their newest intern.

[Intern walks to the stage and accepts the award]

Intern: Oh, wow. Oh, man. Thank you. This is crazy. Oh, I started two days ago and now I’m on TV. I want to thank my supervisor for showing me where the free Clif Bars are. And yeah, that’s the only person I’ve met. Go interns. Whooo!

Jake: Thank you.

Flo: He will go far. And now on a more serious note, companies can’t last forever. Let’s take a moment to remember the ones we sadly lost this year.

[Cut to commercials]

Quibi, tubi, vubu, boopi, titi, Duku and fupa TV. We will miss most of you.

Jake: And now, here to present the category you’ve all been waiting for. Please welcome the Limu Emu and his human friend.

[Cut to Limu Emu and Human Friend]

Human Friend: Hey, everybody. Yeah, glad to be here. Limu Emu, anything to add?

Limu Emu: Aflac.

Human Friend: Dude, stop. That’s not us. I told you that. God I hate that we’re married. Oh my god. Nope. Nope. Here are the nominees for most egregious ad of the year 2021.

[Cut to the commercials]

Melissa: When I was little, my school burned in a fire. Ever since then, I’ve dreamed of being a fireman. Driving for Amazon gives me the flexibility to go to firefighter school online while I drive. Today, I’m on my way to being a real firefighter. God bless you Amazon.

Female voice: Amazon, god bless us.

[Cut to another commercial]

Female voice: This baby is trans, Feliz Navidad, from the Sacklers.

[Cut back to Jake and Flo]

Jake: Wow. Absolutely Craven.

Flo: We’ll be back with the winner and other exciting categories.

Male voice: Up next, a performance from Renee Fleming of the music from 1-877-Kars-4-Kids.

Broadway Benefit

Aidy Bryant

Brad… Kyle Mooney

Brick… Bowen Yang

Bliab… Cecily Strong

Tennyson Hartley… Jonathan Majors

[Starts with audience talking to each other at Broadway Benefit.]

Aidy: Well, thanks for buying the tickets to this Broadway Benefit, Brad.

Brad: Well, they’ve been closed for a year for covid. I wanted to support. So, the headliners are life in brick. Who are they again?

Aidy: Oh, just two of the biggest Broadway legends ever. [to daughter] Honey. Mommy used to come to see this review every holiday season when she was a little girl. It’s fun for the whole family.

Brad: Oh, look, it’s starting.

[Cut to the show. Brick walks to Bliab who is sitting at a table drinking martini]

Bliab: Brig, you son of a bitch. What the hell are you doing in my house?

Brick: Oh, you gave me a set of keys when you were blacked out drunk. Blaib. Remember, you batty brah?

Bliab: Oh, if you’re gonna flirt with me like that, I hope you brought rubbers.

Brick: Hah! Not in this lifetime, you cow.

Brad:  Are you sure this is appropriate for kids?

Aidy: Yeah. It’s a little harder than I remember. But my parents brought me every year. So, don’t worry. The songs are really cute.

Brick: So, what are you getting up to, Bliab, besides drugs?

Bliab: Oh, you’re the one to talk?

Brick: Well, why talk when we can sing?

Bliab: You go for dough

Brick: Well, you like pills

Bliab: Well, you love powder

Brick: We both love powder

Brick and Bliab: Everybody today is doing drugs
Sound go for dots, some go for weed

Bliab: Some girls like acid

Brick: This boy likes speed

Brick and Bliab: Everybody today is doing drugs

Brad: Is this whole song about drugs? Your parents really brought you to this?

Aidy: I guess I didn’t really know what it meant. It’s fine. It’s going over her head.

Brad: Okay, who’s that man crawling through the window?

Brick and Bliab: Dad’s legend, Tennyson Hartley, as I live and breathe.

Tennyson: Did I miss the party?

Brick: Why didn’t you just talk through the door?

Tennyson: Because, I’m high as a kite.

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Some say, if you feel a little down
you simply go right into town

Brick: And get yourself some candy

Tennyson: He means nose candy

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: You don’t have the money you can get a little handy

Brad: No. No, no, no, no. That’s not okay. We shouldn’t go.

Aidy: Well, but Tennyson is about to dance and that’s what he’s known for. He’s incredible.

[Tennyson is dancing and it’s a very bad dance]

Brick: Wow!

Bliab: You still got it, Tennyson.

Tennyson: Hey, I know Christmas is still away but why don’t we do our secret Santa early?

Brick: Sure! I got you coke.

Tennyson: I got you blunt.

Bliab: Oh, I got you too.

Brick: And I got you snow.

Bliab: Coke, coke, coke
I’m into the speedy snow

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Coke, coke, coke, coke, cocaine!
Some day, that there’s not better type of high
the shooting speed right in your eye
but don’t tell the cop

Tennyson: I might have taken poppers

Bliab: I did so much LSD

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Nobody can stop her
K is fine
T is swell
I don’t know how qualu spell
U-U-A-A-L-L-U-U-A
I guess some more of obotune

Tennyson: We’ll smoke anything off a bong

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Snort, sniff, pot
and you’ll feel like you could jump off a building and survive

everyone today is using

Brick: Which bobbins array you choosing?

Tennyson: I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna jump off the building.

Brick: No. Tennyson!

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Everybody today is doing drugs. 

Aidy: I am so sorry. I guess it’s not for kids at all.

Brad: [to daughter] You okay, Sally? We can go.

Sally: Are you kidding? I got goosebumps.

Brad: And a theater lover is born! [clapping]

 

Weekend Update- Ice Cube on Refusing the COVID-19 Vaccine

Michael Che

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Last week Ice Cube left the upcoming film, “Oh Hell No” after he declined to get the COVID vaccine. Here to comment is Ice Cube.

[Ice Cube slides in]

Ice Cube: Sup, Michael? You know what I’m saying? I’m going through a gangster lumberjack fakes.

Michael Che: I can tell. So, why won’t you get the vaccine, man?

Ice Cube: Hey, Look man, I just rather be myself then take that vaccine like you other 3 billion bozos. T

Michael Che: Yeah, but that’s why you lost this movie.

Ice Cube: Not my loss. Your loss. “Oh Hell No” was going to feature the greatest comedy duo of all time. IceCube, Jack Black. The comedy chemistry crack off, man. You know what I’m saying? Tried to get a catchphrase though.

Michael Che: Oh, hell no?

Ice Cube: That’s actually correct. But because it is crazy vaccine mandate, y’all like never gonna get to hear it.

Michael Che: Unless they replace you.

Ice Cube: Oh, hell nah, man. Who can replace Ice Cube?

Michael Che: I don’t know. Terry Crews?

Ice Cube: Good choice.

Michael Che: Michael B. Jordan.

Ice Cube: Makes even more sense. Hey, the point is this mandate is costing the world my art. I had a bunch of other projects packed into pipe. Check it out bozo. If you like “Barbershop 3: The Next Cut”, you would love the sequel, “Barbershop 4, Just A Little Off The Sides”. But now we can’t make it. Also we don’t make a prequel to the original Friday movie. You’ll never guess what it was called?

Michael Che: Thursday?

Ice Cube: That’s correct again. I was also gonna start a new M. Night Shyamalan movie called “Uh Oh, Twist Comin”. The twist is there ain’t no twist. Everybody went home and the day was a good day.

Michael Che: Cube, if you want to make these movies so bad, why don’t just get vaccinated?

Ice Cube: The better question is, why won’t y’all let me make my favorite project? Featuring the greatest dramatic duo of all time, Ice Cube, Meryl Streep? Eating octopus and traits and all over Mykonos in “Mamma Mia Cubed”. Both of us rockin white linen pants suits, no drawers.

Michael Che: No Drawers? how many movies were you making?

Ice Cube: Enough! That’s just the tip of the bird, bozo. And on top of all of that, now I got to run my Big Three basketball league from home.

Michael Che: Right. That’s the league you created for retired players.

Ice Cube: Yeah, man. And now I can’t go to the games. It’s not the same if you not court side, hearing them knees creek and them backs crack. I mean, where else could you watch a bunch of ballers on the wrong side of 40 play unlikely competitive game or 303?

Michael Che: At any YMCA?

Ice Cube: Indeed, you could. Indeed, you could.

Michael Che: Cube, just answer the question. Why won’t you get vaccinated?

Ice Cube: A bozo. I don’t have to tell anybody about my private medical decisions.

Michael Che: So, you’re afraid of needles, huh?

Ice Cube: Hell, yeah. They scare me.

Michael Che: Ice Cube, everyone. Just say that.

 

Weekend Update- Goober the Clown on Abortion

Colin Jost

Goober the clown… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Supreme Court heard arguments this week in women’s whole health v. Texas about the controversial Texas law that essentially bans all abortions after just six weeks. Here to cheer us up… Well, this can’t be right, Goober, the clown who had an abortion when she was 23.

[Goober the clown slides in]

Goober the clown: Hey, hey. I’m Goober the clown.

Colin Jost: So goober, you had an abortion when you were 23?

Goober the clown: Whoa, slow down. I’m a clown. Let’s clown around. Hey, smell this flower. [There’s a slower on her chest pocket]

Colin Jost: You’re not gonna squirt me, are you?

Goober the clown: Oh, I would never.

Colin Jost: Oh, okay!

[as Colin Jost tries to smell the flower, Goober the clown squirts on him]

Goober the clown: Oh, gotcha. I had an abortion the day before my 23rd birthday. [She’s still squirting water on him]

Colin Jost: Okay. It seems like you do want to talk about your abortion.

Goober the clown: Well, actually, I really don’t. But people keep bringing it up. So, I gotta keep talking about freaking abortion. But it’s a rough subject, so we’re gonna do fun clown stuff to make it more palatable. Whee! [Her bow tie is spinning] Hey, who wants some balloon animal? You want a giraffe? Che?

Colin Jost: You don’t have to do this, Cecily.

Goober the clown: Who’s Cecily? I’m Goober. And I wish I didn’t have to do this because the abortion I had at 23 is my personal clown business. But that’s all some people in this country want to discuss all the time. Even though cloud abortion was legalized in Clown V. Wade in Colin Jost973. Here. [Passes the balloon. It doesn’t look like animal at all.]

Colin Jost: Can you stop saying clown abortion? And what is this? [showing the balloon]

Goober the clown: It’s a worm. I don’t know. Hey, did you know one in three clowns will have a clown abortion in their lifetime? You don’t because they don’t tell you. They don’t even know how to talk to other clowns about it. Because when they do talk about it, if you were a clown who wasn’t the victim of something sad like clown says, they think your clown abortion wasn’t a righteous clown abortion. I mean what the dick is that?

Colin Jost: I don’t think you can say that word on the show.

Goober the clown: What? Abortion?

Colin Jost: Well, I guess kind of.

Goober the clown: You know it’s sunny Colin. We’re having fun. Just laugh. Hey, pull my finger.

Colin Jost: No.

Goober the clown: Laugh. I need it. I need you to laugh so hard like the way I laughed when the doctor asked if I got pregnant on the way over to the clinic because I wasn’t very far along. And that is one of my favorite jokes to this day. I love that joke. It’s such a good joke. Not like a funny haha joke. But like a funny you’re not an awful person and your life isn’t over now joke. The best kind. A honka honka!

Colin Jost: Good horn.

Goober the clown: Whoo! I’m not a clown. And in the waiting room, they had a little guestbook where all the clowns could write the clown abortion story for the next clown to read it so she wouldn’t feel so alone. And then years later you’ll be at a dinner with a big group of clowns, one clown will go out on a limb and say she’s had an abortion and then like eight other clowns at the table say they’ve had an abortion too because that’s how common it is. And then everyone’s excited and relieved we talking about it. But it’s like, “Wow, we kept this secret for so long despite being so grateful it happened.” Honka honka!

Colin Jost: So, wait. Are clowns women?

Goober the clown: Excuse me? Wow. Okay, Colin Jost thinks women are clowns. Cool.

Colin Jost: That’s not what I said.

Goober the clown: Let me do some helium. Okay, Colin. Here’s my truth. [takes helium off of balloon and stars speaking in squeaky voice] I know I wouldn’t be a clown on TV here today if it weren’t for the abortion I had the day before my 23rd birthday. Clowns have been helping each other in their pregnancy since the caves. It’s gonna happen, so ought to be safe, legal and accessible. We will not go back to the alley. I mean last thing anyone wants is a bunch of dead clowns in a dark alley.

Colin Jost: Goober the clown, everyone.

Goober the clown: Y’all better disable comments in this one.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Football Team Wins 106-0 and Vaccine Smoothie

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of an article that says “High school football team wins 106-0” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A high school principal has apologized for unsportsmanlike conduct of the school’s football team after they beat another team 106-0. Apology accepted said the Jets.

[Picture changes to to an article that says “Mothers passing on antibodies with breastmilk smoothies]

It was reported that mothers in California are trying to pass on COVID vaccine antibodies to their children by making them smoothies with their breast milk. Oh sure. But when I asked for that, I’m escorted out of Jamba Juice.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Smith College logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Smith College has become the first woman’s college to eliminate student debt by replacing loans with grants because a lady should never have to pay.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “81 year old pharmacist traded drugs for sex”]

At an 81 year old pharmacist and Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly trading drugs for sexual favors. Wow. [picture changes to Bill Cosby] So, he’s a pharmacist now.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of International Handball Federation logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The International handball Federation’s agreed to allow female players to wear bike shorts instead of bikini bottoms. But they’re still insisting that refs use this whistle. [flirty whistle plays]

[Picture changes to an article that says “30,000 visitors locked inside due to covid]
More than 30,000 people were locked inside Shanghai Disneyland after one visitor tested positive for covid. So, let this be a lesson all you kids out there. If you aren’t more careful about covid, you’ll end up living at Disney World.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of calendar marking November 2021 at right top corner.]

Michael Che: National Impotency Awareness Month began on Monday. And I for one thought it’d never come.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a squirrel at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a tick tock went viral of a squirrel that appeared to be holding hands with a woman. See? It’s like Che always says, “Gay marriage is a slippery slope.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of guy’s face at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A plastic surgeon posted a video on TikTok claiming that the rumor is true that the size of a person’s nose has a direct connection to the size of his penis. Oh, so that’s why Camila’s smiling.

Weekend Update- Biden Passes Infrastructure Bill

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening, everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of USA map at left top corner]

Our top story of the night like it’s been for as long as I can remember, infrastructure. Last night, the house passed president Biden’s $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, which should be enough to clean as many as two of LaGuardia’s bathrooms. The infrastructure bill will also expand internet access across the US which is great news because when has more internet ever been bad for America? [picture changes to Capitol riot]

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Terry McAuliffe and Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Democrat Terry McAuliffe lost to republican Glenn Youngkin in Virginia’s governor’s race. But on the bright side, losers from Virginia usually get a statue.

[Picture changes to republican elephant logo]

Political experts say that the republican victory in Virginia’s governor’s race was fuel by support from white women who didn’t go to college. Which just so happens to be the same exact group I target on Tinder.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kevin McCarthy at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a wake of republican success in this week’s election, house minority leader Kevin McCarthy announced that republicans would introduce a parents bill of rights. Which I’m pretty sure is just a sign you can buy at Home Goods.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of logo of Pfizer at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pfizer announced that it has developed an anti-viral pill that can reduce hospitalization among covid patients by nearly 90%. And even better, it makes you harder than trigonometry.

[Picture changes to Edward Durr]

Steven Sweeney, the New Jersey senate president lost his reelection bid in an upset to a truck driver named Edward Durr. Coincidentally, Durr is also the New Jersey state motto.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Eric Adams at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: With his victory, Eric Adams will become New York’s second black mayor. Not to be confused with the New York mayor who blacks out. [Picture changes to Rudy Giuliani]

Adams defeated republican Curtis Sliwa who will now return to his previous job as Emily in Paris’s lawyer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Winsome Sears holding a rifle at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Republican Winsome Sears seen here attempting suicide by cop was elected as Virginia’s first black female lieutenant governor. Well, this is actually a win for democrats because nothing will get republicans to support gun control faster than this picture.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Melania Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former president Trump was filmed doing the Tomahawk Chop at a world series game in Atlanta. Native American group said they found it extremely offensive to see their culture associated with someone who can’t even run a successful casino.

Weekend Update- A Guy Named Brandon on “Let’s Go Brandon”

Michael Che

Brandon… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The phrase, “Let’s go Brandon”, a right wing euphemism for F Joe Biden has gone viral and can now be found on T shirts and lawn signs across the country. Here to comment on “Let’s go Brandon” phenomenon is a guy named Brandon.

Brandon: Hello. Yes, it’s me. Wow, this has been crazy, Mr. Che. Everyone’s talking about me. Little old Brandon. I just wanna say, CC fam. Thank you for your support. I love my Brand, Stans.

Michael Che: Brandon, maybe you didn’t hear what I just said.

Brandon: At first, I was like, “I don’t understand. Why all the hoopla about me?” I was pretty average guy living with my– Kinda like spider man, but without the superpowers. Right, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: Yeah, sure, sure.

Brandon: Yeah, normal guy. Don’t have tons of friends. Never have. Spent the last 49 bucks on a cameo from the Damn Daniel guys. They’re older now but still really funny. They refuse to say Damn Daniel, but just hearing those guys talk is amazing. Anyway, I was feeling kind of down. And that’s when all over the internet, people started cheering me on saying “Let’s go Brandon”.

Michael Che: Again. Brandon. I hate to tell you this–

Brandon: On the support was just the boost I needed to focus on my true passion. My famous cookie creations.

Michael Che: Cookie creation? What are cookie creations?

Brandon: Well, most cookies are round, right?

Michael Che: Yeah.

Brandon: My cookie creations are not round. For instance. Have you ever seen a square cookie, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: I have.

Brandon: Didn’t think so. Might be why people are talking about Brandon.

Michael Che: Look. No, wait. I hate to break it to you but “Let’s go Brandon” isn’t about you. It’s cold for F. Joe Biden.

Brandon: No.

Michael Che: Yes.

Brandon: Wouldn’t they just say F Joe Biden?

Michael Che: Right. This is their way of saying that without saying it.

Brandon: But they said Brandon. They said my name.

Michael Che: Yeah, it was kind of like their inside joke.

Brandon: So, I’m a joke? It’s a joke to be Brandon? Like when my uncle tweeted, “Let’s go Brandon”, he wasn’t talking about me?

Michael Che: No, man. He wasn’t.

Brandon: And when those random guys at the football game chanted “Let’s go Brandon”, they weren’t talking about me?

Michael Che: No.

Brandon: Is anyone talking about me?

Michael Che: I don’t think so.

Brandon: So, I’m a loser. I live with my aunt. And every time I pee, it shoots out in different– Like, I can’t get a single stream. It always splits.

Michael Che: Ay. I’m sorry. But maybe we can find a way to pump you up that doesn’t involve word Brandon. Like, what’s your last name?

Brandon: Bad Noodles.

Michael Che: Bad Noodles?

Brandon: It’s Dutch

Michael Che: Well, why don’t we get a “Let’s go Bad Noodles” chant going?

Brandon: Really? Let’s go Bad Noodles. [the audience start chanting] Yes! Everybody!

Michael Che: Brandon Bad Noodles, everybody.

Weatherman

Sherman Bell… Kenan Thompson

Katie Williams… Cecily Strong

Beth Bennington… Punkie Johnson

Todd Baxter… Andrew Dismukes

Riley Cole… Kieran Culkin

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Wake up Rhode Island.

[Cut to Sherman Bell and Katie Williams in their set]

Sherman Bell: Good morning, folks. Sherman Bell alongside Katie Williams.

Katie Williams: Coming up, we’ll hear from Beth Bennington who is down at Cohassett beach with an Eagle Scout on an important mission.

[Cut to Beth Bennington. She is standing with scout members]

Beth Bennington: That’s right, Katie. This is Todd Baxter. And Todd, tell us what we’re doing down here.

Todd Baxter: Well, myself and these boy scouts will be picking up trash at the beach all day, right guys?

Boy Scouts: Yeah.

Sherman Bell: That’s wonderful. Can’t wait to hear more about that.

Katie Williams: Me too. But first, let’s take a look at the weather with Riley Cole.

[Riley Cole comes in a split screen. He’s wearing turkey costume.]

Riley Cole: Hey, guys.

Katie Williams: Oh my goodness, Riley. What are you wearing?

Riley Cole: Um, who’s Riley? I’m Turkey Tom.

Sherman Bell: Oh. Turkey Tom, he says. Look, he’s even changed the graphic.

Katie Williams: And why is Turkey Tom honoring us with his presence today?

Riley Cole: Well, because today was the first day that the thermometer dropped below 40. And you know what that means? Time for a fall rap.

Sherman Bell: Oh boy. Here we go.

[music playing]

Riley Cole: [rapping] The leaves are turning all around
and the grass is turning brown
the wind is getting colder and the–

[He’s still rapping and dancing, but he’s been muted. There’s alert sound going on.]

Male voice: This is a Rhode Island weather alert. A severe storm is approaching. Evacuation orders are in place for flood zones one through four. Take only what is necessary. Leave all pets behind. Life threatening winds and flooding expected. May God have mercy on your souls.

Katie Williams: Okay, folks. So, obviously we have a severe weather situation. Riley, how did we not see this storm coming?

Riley Cole: [reading his papers] Well, I was working on the rap all last night. The costume and lyrics, that kind of thing. So, I am a little behind on my weather reports. So, my bad. But now I am seeing. Yeah, yeah. This is a big one. I should have caught it. I apologize for that.

Katie Williams: Okay. Well, why don’t we go to commercial so you can change into something more appropriate?

Riley Cole: Yeah. Well, I would love to but the the Doppler says the landfall could be any minute now. So, let’s take a look at the radar here. [there’s weather graphic behind him] Okay, well, this is the biggest nor’easter that I have ever seen. Let’s see. This is a large fast moving storm. [his funny graphics appear on the storm news] Yeah, sorry. The turkeys were part of the rap. There’s this lyric about how turkeys hate November because the Thanksgiving.

Sherman Bell: Ha-ha. Yeah, you know they do. Ha-ha-ha.

Riley Cole: But anyway, you can see behind the turkeys here. The winds are now reaching– Oh, wow. 190 miles an hour.

Katie Williams: Riley?

Riley Cole: Oh, that is very dangerous.

Katie Williams: Riley?

Riley Cole: Yeah. Yeah.

Katie Williams: Take the turkey off your head.

Sherman Bell: Katie, let’s be reasonable. Now, Turkey Tom–

Katie Williams: Don’g call him that.

Sherman Bell: Katie, please. Turkey Tom, could we be looking at structural damage from these winds?

Riley Cole: More than damage, I think some areas could be completely flattened. We should expect many, many casualties.

Katie Williams: Just take the turkey hat off.

Sherman Bell: Boo! Ha-ha-ha.

Riley Cole: Yeah, maybe I should, right?

Katie Williams: Great. And while you do that, we’ll go to Beth Bennington on Cohassett. Beth, any sign of the storm down there?

[Cut to Beth Bennington. She is in the storm all soaked and shaken]

Beth Bennington: Yes.

Katie Williams: Oh, wow. Beth where are the boy scouts?

Beth Bennington: The sea took them.

Katie Williams: Oh my god. Okay, Riley. Well, I see you still have the turkey headpiece on?

Riley Cole: I do. Yes. I decided to keep it on in case you want to hear the rest of the rap after the storm.

Katie Williams: Don’t.

Sherman Bell: Boo!

Riley Cole: No, that’s fair. I’m sorry, I look like this. I’m also very sorry that I missed the storm.

Sherman Bell: Hey, that’s not on you.

Katie Williams: yes, it absolutely is. Okay, Let’s go to commercial so Riley can change. Keep it here for more as this dangerous storm develops.

Sherman Bell: And later we’ll hear from a local boy scout troop who is cleaning up the beach.

Please Don’t Destroy – Calling Angie

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers of SNL in their office room]

Ben: I’m sorry you and Angie broke up but are you gonna sit here sulking or are you going to call her?

John: I’m not calling her guys.

Martin: Why not?

John: Because if I was her, I wouldn’t take me back either. [sad music playing] I was really a jerk to her. I was selfish and I was too afraid to be vulnerable and lost her.

Martin: John, that was beautiful. Just tell her that.

Ben: Yeah, man. She would really appreciate hearing that. Just give her a call buddy. Tell her what she told us.

[John calls Angie]

Angie: Hello.

John: Hey, Ange. It’s me. Yeah, it’s John. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Martin: What?

Ben: No! Why are you saying that?

Martin: Stop.

John: What am I doing, dude? I’m freaking out.

Martin: Say what you said earlier.

Ben: Say something else.

Martin: The being vulnerable thing.

John: Go fuck yourself. I never liked you in the first place, girly.

Ben: What did she say?

John: You got to bail me out.

Ben: You want me to talk to her?

John: Bail me out. Talk to her. Talk to her. Tell her I’m sorry. Please.

Ben: Hi, Angie. Hey, sorry. I don’t know what’s gonna– Fuck you.

Martin: No! Oh my god.

Ben: Fuck you, loser.

John: No!

Ben: Am I doing it too?

John: Yes.

Ben: I hate all of what you’re working with. What is going on?

John: Get off the phone.

Martin: Angie, I don’t know what’s going on with those guys. I love you. Fuck!

Ben: Come on, man!

John: It’s my ex girlfriend. Give me the phone. Angie, it’s me. I’m really sorry.

Martin: Oh, dude. It’s on mute. [unmutes] Fuck you, bitch.

Martin: Why are we so off today?

John: Ange?

[hangs up]

She hung up on me.

Ben: Are you serious?

Martin: Very mature.

John: Blew it again with the love of my life.

Martin: Yeah, blew my last girlfriend too by getting my penis stuck in her toilet.

Ben: Just like I blew Stevie. Every time we had sex, I’d say, “I’d Chihuahua.” She did not like that.

John: But Angie wasn’t like your ugly girlfriends. She was just warm as a summer night. As sweet as the song. She was– [phone ringing] Oh my god, she’s on her way up.

[Angie barges in]

Angie: You mother[bleep].

All: Angie.

[Angie smashes John’s head on the table]

Men’s Room

Bowen Yang

Chris Redd

Frankie… Kieran Culkin

Andrew Dismukes

Alex Moffat

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with Bowen speaking on the phone in men’s room]

Bowen: Yeah, works fine. My coworkers better though. Hey, I gotta go. I just walked into the bathroom. I don’t know why I’m telling you either. Okay, bye.

[Chris walks in]

Chris: Oh, there he is.

Bowen: Hey. We gotta stop meeting like this.

Chris: I say, man. Third time this week. What is this? Your new office?

Bowen: Oh, you know what I always say, boss man does the boss man does.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Bowen to himself: I’ve never said that in my life. Why am I saying that? I’m not the boss. So, why did I laugh? Why did he laugh? Why are we not ourselves when we’re in the men’s room? Everyone just panics and blurt something out.

[lights turn on]

[Bowen flushes]

Bowen: Well, I’m empty. See you later my guy.

Chris: Keep on trucking, my dude.

[Frankie walks in]

Frankie: Oh, love to party in here.

Chris: Ay, Frankie in the building. What’s up?

Frankie: Yeah, baby. Got any fun plans this weekend?

Chris: Oh, a couple days away from you. I’ll take it. Ha-ha-ha.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Chris to himself: That was mean as hell. I really like that guy, man. And why am I talking so loud? In the men’s room my voice gets weird and I shout things like football is crazy.

[only Frankie is speaking]

Frankie to himself: My heart is pounding. Why did I choose the urinal right next to him? Our arm’s skin is touching.

[lights turn on]

Chris: Ha-ha-ha. Alright, man. See you on ice.

Frankie: Well, you too.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Chris to himself: See you on ice? We work at a pension fund. Is that even an expression? I don’t know who I am in here.

Bowen to himself: I’ve been standing here for so long. None of the automatic sinks work. My hands are covered in soap.

Frankie to himself: I’m standing at a urinal but I only came in here to avoid working. Now, I feel like I can’t leave until they’ve heard me pee. Guess I’ll squirt my hand sanitizer in there to fake it.

[lights turn on]

Bowen: Hey, sounds like your streams coming along really well over there.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Bowen to himself: Why am I commenting on his pee and calling it a stream?

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, what’s up my dudes?

All: Hey!

Andrew: So, anyone got big plans for the summertime?

Bowen: Not yet.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Andrew to himself: Why would they? It’s November. We’re months away from the summertime.

[lights turn on]

Andrew: New guy. Did anything fun last weekend?

Bowen: I’m sorry. Who? Me?

Andrew: Yeah.

Bowen: Sorry. what did you say?

Andrew: I just asked you if you did anything fun last weekend?

Bowen: Oh, yeah, sure. Umm… Umm…

Bowen to himself: I’m taking way too long to answer. I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear.

[lights turn on]

Bowen: Oh, sorry. I can’t hear anything today. So, yeah.

Andrew: What’s up?

Bowen: Nothing sorry. Anyway, these sinks working for you?

Chris: No! But football is crazy.

Bowen: Crazy.

[Alex walks in]

Alex: Uh-oh! Y’all having a little slumber party in here? Zagging your chains guys. And you see the new receptionist. She’s got legs for days.

[Everything goes dark and blue mood lights are on.]

Alex to himself: I killed a man in 2012. I didn’t even do a good job hiding the body but I still got away with it. Although I’m a free man, the guilt I carry is worse than any cell. But in here, I forget who I am and what I’ve done. I love the men’s room.

Alex: Don’t you guys love it in here?

[Tracy walks out of toilet cabin]

Tracy: Trust me, no one go in there. I had some pork meat last night and I dropped a bomb. [looks at Alex] And this dude killed my brother.