Tag: Alex Moffat

Next- For Men

Will Farrell

Kyle Mooney

Alex Moffat

[Starts with Will Farrell inside an elevator. A woman is walking from far.]

Woman: Hey, hey, hold the door.

[Will Farrell holds the door. His armpits are sweating a lot.]

Male voice: You’re a man. And men sweat. In all sorts of stressful situations.

[Cut to Will Farrell walking in office]

Will Farrell: Yeah, I’m a guy. The way I sweat, my regular deodorant just wasn’t cutting it anymore. I work hard, I play hard. And something’s coming out about me real soon. Because I’m [showing the product ‘Next’] Next.

Male voice: Introducing Next. The only antiperspirant for men who are feeling the heat. Because their time’s up.

Kyle: In my life of work, sweat comes with the job. And ever since those rumors came out about me, it got a lot worse. [Kyle walks to the Stand Up comedy stage] [on mic] Hey, how’s everybody doing tonight?

[Cut to the audience. Everyone is getting a notification. They look at it. There’s a news article with Kyle’s photo saying ‘Not so funny: 8 women accuse stand up of harassment.’]

Oh, boy. It’s happening. But not under here. [showing his armpit]

[Cut to Alex walking on the red carpet]

Alex: As an actor, I need an antiperspirant that’s gonna keep working with me. Because no one else will.

[Alex runs into an interviewer]

Interviewer: What do you say about these allegations?

Alex: Um, lots of women are brave but this one is a liar. And no comment. [Alex raises his hand to show his armpit] Wow, no sweat.

Male voice: For when the truth comes out about you, Next gives you clinical strength antiperspirant.

[Cut to Will Farrell walking in his office]

Will Farrell: And just a little bit of Klonopin, these next few weeks are gonna sting.

[Will Farrell walking into the elevator. He is carrying his stuffs from the office in a box. Looks like he’s fired.]

Kate: You’re disgusting.

Will Farrell: But my pits aren’t. I got fired.

Male voice: Next. Brought to you by– [notification alert sound] Oh boy, they got me.

Commercial Shoot

Director… Alex Moffat

Donna… Kate McKinnon

Dan… Will Farrell

[Starts with an old couple getting ready to shoot a coomercial]

Director: Alright. You two ready to make a commercial?

Donna: Well, we’re not actors. We will do our best.

Dan: I eat this chicken pot pie fives times a week. On the weekends, I eat beef.

Director: Well, that’s great. Um, we wanted to show real Dickenson’s customers showing real enthusiasm for good home cooking. You guys feel ready for a take?

Donna: Well, Dan has all the lines. Dan, are you ready?

Dan: Um, give me the line one more time.

Director: Sure. The line is, “Baked in a crispy pastry crust.” Okay? One more time. It’s, “Baked in a crispy pastry crust.” And action.

[Director walks out]

Dan: Baked in a crusty pasty crisp. Uh! Crips. [another take] Baked in a cruppety flasty puff. [another take] Baked in a crispy pastry flam.

Donna: Curst, Dan!

Director: Okay. Cut.

Dan: Did I do it?

Donna: God! No, Dan.

Dan: What did I say?

[Director walks in]

Donna: The wrong thing, Dan.

Director: Okay. No worries there. I know it’s a bit of a tongue twister.

Dan: Say it again.

Director: Sure. It’s, “Baked in a crispy pastry crust.”

Dan: Baked in a– okay. Got it.

Donna: You wanna say the whole thing?

Dan: Crispy pastry crust. Got it.

Director: Great. Kells, we’ll just do a couple in a row. And action.

[Director walks out]

Dan: Baked in a flaky baken bread.

Donna: Pastry, Dan.

[another take]

Dan: Baked in a christy crusty turd.

Donna: Dan! Crispy!

[another take]

Dan: Baked in bust in my buttery body bust. [another take] Baked on my crabby butt. [another cut] Baked in my bra and ass.

Donna: Oh my god! Baked in a crispy pastry crust.

Dan: I got it!

Donna: Say it with me. Crispy.

Dan: Crispy.

Donna: Pastry.

Dan: Pastry.

Donna: Crust.

Dan: Crust.

Director: Action.

Dan: Nobody beats the wiz.

Donna: Crispy, Dan! Oh, my god! How hard could it be? I should say the line.

Dan: Okay.

Donna: Baked in a crispy pastry crust.

Director: Okay, Donna, you go for a take. And action.

Donna: Baked in a cruspy cranty crage.

Dan: Donna?

[another take]

Donna: Baked in a Dan–

Dan: Ah!

[another take]

Donna: Baked in a finga-ringa-ringa.

Dan: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Donna: Oh, my god. Baked in a freaky licky underplay.

Director: Cut. Okay.

[Director walks in]

Donna: Why can’t we say the line?

Dan: We raised five boys and some girls. Why can’t we say the line?

Donna: Okay. How about we do an easier line? Try yummy pot pie.

Dan: Oh, we can do that, right Donna? Yummy pot pie.

Director: Great. And action.

[Director walks out]

Dan: Baked in a kissy cat puss.

Donna: Bakey bussy buss.

Director: Yummy pot pie.

Dan: Right. Right. Right. Yummy sure.

Donna: Pee in a pie. What was it?

Dan: Yummy pot pie. Yummy pot pie.

Donna: Yummy pot pie. Yummy pot pie.

Dan: I love you.

Donna: I love you.

Donna and Dan: Yatsy ISIS queev. Oh!

Director: Okay. Cut. [Director walks in] Um, you know what? I think we got it.

[Director walks out]

[Cut to the commercial. Donna and Dan are sitting in the restarutant.]

Male voice: Dickenson’s Roadside Diner.

Donna and Dan: Baked in a Dan.

[The End]

Weekend Update- Princes William and Harry

Michael Che

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: President Trump recently cancelled a trip to London with many are saying the royal family’s relationship with president Obama played a factor. Here with an official statement from Buckingham Palace are Prince William and Prince Harry.

[Prince William and Prince Harry slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Prince William: Hello.

Prince Harry: What’s up? Hi, Michael. What’s up, my dog?

[Prince Harry does the gang handshake with Michael Che]

Michael Che: Alright. Okay. Well.

Prince William: Good evening, Michael.

Prince Harry: What’s up?

Michael Che: It’s an honor to meet you. And thank you for coming all the way here from London.

Prince Harry: Yes. Michael, we’d like to apologize. Unfortunately, William’s hair was unable to make it this evening.

Prince William: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Prince Harry: It’s devestating.

Prince William: Oh, bravo! Hilarious. Yes, a bald joke. Yes, buzz the sides this week. Rocking the Bruce Willis look broke the internet.

Prince Harry: No. Bruce Willis shaves it all, man. You’re a British Larry David. It’s not good. Shave it.

Prince William: Okay. You’re speaking of hair, how was the quidditch match, Ron Beasley?

Prince Harry: Ron Beasley? Who’s Ron Beasley?

Prince William: The red head one.

Prince Harry: It’s Ron Weasley.

Prince William: Oh, I don’t know. Who cares?

Prince Harry: Everyone cares.

Prince William: Nobody knows that.

Prince Harry: It’s Harry Potter. It makes up half of England’s economy. Come on. Just shave it, Will.

Prince William: Okay, just shut up about the hair.

Prince Harry: What hair? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I love you. I love you.

Prince William: I love you more.

Prince Harry: Yeah? Alright. Windsor boys.

Prince William: Windsor boys.

Prince Harry: Yeah. Bring it in. Bring it in.

Prince William and Prince Harry: Bangers. Match. Hello.

Prince William: It’s a secret handshake, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah. I saw. Very cool. Hey, before you give your statement, I just want to thank you again for coming to the show.

Prince William: Um, of course, Michael. Um, we love American telly. Um, my brother’s fiancé is Meghan Markle. She’s in the American program Suits.

Prince Harry: Yeah. Wednesdays, 8 PM, USA network. Check it out. She’s amazing.

Prince William: Right. Um, the only difference between that show and this is people watch this one.

Prince Harry: Oh! [clapping] Hilarious. What is it that you’re always watching? Wills? What is it? Oh, yeah. Kate’s Handbag. Right? Kate’s Handbag.

Prince William: Ha-ha-ha. Right.

Prince Harry: This guy goes shopping with Kate four times a week.

Prince William: She likes hats.

Prince Harry: She loves hats.

Prince William: [to Michael Che] Kate’s my wife.

Michael Che: I know who Kate Middleton is.

Prince William: Beautiful woman.

Michael Che: Yeah. Fine.

Prince William: great mom. Whenever the kids are being fussy and not going to bed, she puts on an episode of Suits and they’re out. Ha-ha.

[Prince Harry puts his pinky finger in his mouth and then inside Prince William’s ear.]

Oh, what are you doing?

Prince Harry: Look at that.

Prince William: Ouch.

Prince Harry: Look at that.

Prince William: Stop it. Stop it.

Michael Che: Did you just give him a wet willie?

Prince Harry: Yes. In England, it’s called moist Matthew.

Michael Che: Alright. I feel like I should remind everyone why you’re here which is to address rumors president Trump cancelled his UK trip because your family’s relationship with the Obama’s.

Prince Harry: Yes.

Prince William: Right. [Prince William opens a paper and reads it] Buckingham Palace does not comment on political matters. Thank you and goodbye.

Prince Harry: “Thank you and goodbye,” said William’s hair.

Prince William: Alright, enough.

Michael Che: Prince William and Prince Harry, everybody.

Google Talk

Summer Childs… Jessica Chastain

Ray Chadman… Alex Moffat

Debbie… Leslie Jones

Bert… Mikey Day

Luke Null

Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Ben… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Google Talks video bumper]

Summer: Hello and welcome to another Google Talks. [Cut to Google headquarter. There are many people sitting. Summer is standing as she is speaking] Streaming live across the globe from Google HQ in California. I’m your host Summer Childs. [singing and dancing] Let’s give them something to Google talk about. Ha-ha-ha. Sorry. Today’s topic is bullying which I’ll be discussing with the students at our audience and our guest Berkley Sociology professor, Ray Chadman.

Professor: Pleasure to be here.

[Summer takes a seat]

Summer: Now, we asked each member of our audience to write down something they’ve been bullied for. Which our stage manager Debbie is handing me. Thanks Debbie. 14 people said religion. Nine people answered race or ethnicity. Five people said sexual orientation. And one person said Looking like Bart Simpson.

[There is a guy behind Professor whose hair is exactly like Bart Simpson. Yellow and spiky.]

Professor: Yeah. And unfortunately somewhere four out of five of those answers are extremely common. With the rise of social media, attacking others has never been easier. And the most common form of course being simple name calling

Summer: Um, I can relate. People called me nerd before I got like, pretty. Students, save space. What are some of the names that you or someone close to you has been called?

Heidi: Um, white trash.

Luke: Cock!

Mikey: Bart Simpson.

Cecily: Bitch.

Mikey: Real life Bart Simpson.

Melissa: It’s not a name but people like to say, “Go back to your own country.”

Mikey: Yeah. Or people like to say, “Go back to Springfield.” So ignorant.

Kenan: [to Mikey] That might just be you, dude!

Kyle: Hey, you guys feel like trying isn’t cool? Like, if you put effort into something, people are so ready to make fun of you for it?

All: Yes.

Mikey: You guys ever like, say something funny in a group setting and people laugh. But then you hear, “Haa-haa.” And you’re like, “Is that just how someone laughs or did they just do a Nelson from The Simpsons laugh to mess with me?”

Cecily: Again, man. That might just be you.

Mikey: Oh, okay.

Summer: I love how woke it is in here right now. But it’s not just us having this discussion. Everyone streaming this can tweet their questions and comments with the #GoogleTalk2018TopicBullying. Sorry, it’s so long. That’s my bad. Let’s throw it over to Ben at the tweet deck.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Thanks Summer. It has been pretty busy over here at my standing desk. We’s got a lots of tweets coming in. This tweet has already 250 likes.

[Cut to a picture meme with Bart Simpson and Mikey’s pictures joined together. There’s written “Ay, Caramba!”]

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: So, I don’t speak Spanish but it’s cool that our woke discussion resonates with a lot in community.

Professor: Ha-ha. Let’s just hope the president doesn’t tweet anything at us.

[Everyone laughing]

[Someone does Nelson from Simpson’s “Haa-haa” laughter. Mikey is looking around to find out who.]

Summer: Well, professor, we had our audience write down some questions for you. These are all anonymous, of course. Our first question. If you notice someone laughing at someone, what should you do?

Professor: Um, that’s easy. Tell them to stop in an assertive yet non-violent way.

Cecily: Excuse me, ma’am. Please stop.

[Cut to Debbie who is laughing hard.]

Debbie: Ha-ha-ha-ha. I can’t. I can’t. He got the red shirt on. Like… I gotta leave. I gotta leave.

[Debbie walks out]

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: Oh, I’m so sorry about that, Bart. Oops! I’m so sorry I called you Bart. What’s your name?

Mikey: Oh, my name is Bert Samson.

Kenan: Your name is Bert Samson? I’m sorry.

Pete: Hey, you don’t have a cow, man.

Summer: Alright, guys. Let’s check in with Ben at the tweet deck.

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Hey, Summer. Cool news over here at my chairless work area. We have a caller in our Google Talk line who has a question for professor Chadman.

[Cut to Summer]

Summer: Alright, caller, you’re on with professor Chadman. What’s your question, Maggie?

[the caller is making noises like Maggie from Simpson]

Professor: Maggie, you there? Oh, I think I get it. That’s funny.

Summer: Well, we need to show you a series of 25 second ads. We’ll be right back with woke discussion after this. [singing and dancing] Let’s Google Talk about sex baby. Sorry, that was dumb.

Car Hunk

Arie… Alex Moffat

Luke Null

Lauren B. … Heidi Gardner

Lauren C. …Cecily Strong

Jessica Chastain

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Car Hunk intro]

Male voice: Last season, we broke new ground with our first black bachelorette. And this season, we’re back to the white. He is a race car driver who depending on the light is handsome. Which of the 12 Laurens will he choose to be his bride, we’ll find out this season on Car Hunk.

[Cut to Arie. He is wearing a suit and has a rose in his hand.]

Arie: Hi. I’m Arie and I a car guy, vroom vroom. I’m told to be on this show. Something went wrong in my life. But I can’t wait to see the girls.

[Cut to Arie and Lauren B.. They’re sitting on a park bench.]

Lauren B.: Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Lauren B.: I am Lauren B. I’m a psychiatric nurse…’s patient. And I bet you can tell that my voice says I don’t have a dad.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Lauren C. walks in.]

Lauren C.: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Lauren B. walks out and Lauren C. takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Lauren C.: I’m Lauren C. and first off, sorry I’m 30. [gives Arie her underwear] Here’s my underwear so you never forget where I’m from.

Arie: Oh, yeah? Where is that? Alabama.

[Jessica walks in.]

Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Lauren C. walks out and Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this. I’m sorry I cried on our date today playing mini-golf with young Sheldon. Really took me out of my comfort zone.

Arie: That’s okay. Tell me something about you.

Jessica: I’m actually an inventor.

Arie: Oh, yeah? What did you invent?

Jessica: Eating Tide pods.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

Jessica: Fine. I’ll just have a snack.

[Jessica walks out and Kate takes a seat.]

[Cut to Kate]

Kate: Mm, I like this. Wait, are you a different guy?

[Zoom out. Luke is sitting with Kate instead of Arie.]

Luke: Does it matter?

Kate: No. Some of the girls might be telling you about some messed up stuff I’m doing in the house. And I want you to know, it’s worse.

Luke: I love that.

Kate: I hope I act insane enough to be on the summer one of these shows where the women sleep in their bathing suits.

[Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Kate walks out and Aidy takes the seat. Now, Arie is back.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Aidy: Well, most of the people in my town don’t have their teeth. So, I’m their queen there.

Arie: Ha-ha. I love that.

Aidy: Mm, it’s just, I’m so scared that I’m gonna get sent home coz I’m the only girl who hasn’t shown you her full naked butt.

[Melissa walks in.]

Melissa: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Aidy walks out and Melissa takes a seat beside Arie.]

Mm, I like this.

Arie: Tell me something about you.

Melissa: Well, I have short hair. Isn’t that the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in your life?

Arie: Yeah. But somehow I still like you.

Melissa: It’s because I’m barely 21.

Arie: Oh, yeah. That’s what makes me horny.

[Kate walks in.]

Kate: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Melissa walks out and Kate takes a seat beside Arie.]

Hi, I need to tell you something. You’re not the only man in my life. [Kate shows Arie a real looking squirrel.] This is buster.

Arie: Oh! You collect taxidermy.

Kate: Oh, no. He’s just regular dead. But, um, he was my first kiss. Do you wanna be my second?

Arie: I don’t think we’re there yet.

[Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: But we are. So, come in here, baby.

[Kate walks out and Aidy climbs up Arie’s lap and is trying to seduce him.]

Oh, yeah. I wanna tell you a secret. I have a gun in my room.

Arie: Oh. Thanks for being vulnerable.

Aidy: You got it.

[Aidy licks Arie on his cheek]

[Jessica walks in.]

Jessica: Sorry. Can I steal him for a sec?

[Jessica pulls Aidy and pushes her away. Aidy falls off Arie. Jessica takes a seat beside Arie.]

I loved our date today. It was a dream come true playing a dead body on HBO’s Crashing. Sorry, I cried so hard I puked.

Arie: That’s okay. I thought it was cute.

Jessica: Alright. I need to tell you something and it’s really hard for me to say. I actually have curly hair.

Arie: I’ll walk you out.

[The End]

My Drunk Boyfriend

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Luke Null

Boyfriend Doll… Kyle Mooney

Girlfriend Doll… Heidi Gardner

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with Aidy getting drinks at the bar. Cecily is waiting for her. Aidy walks back with two cocktails.]

Aidy: Whoo! I hope you’re having fun. I know it sucks Brad’s out of town.

Cecily: Yeah, you know. But it’s still nice to have some me time. Right?

[Beck walks to Aidy and hugs her]

Beck: There she is.

Aidy: Babe, stop.

[Beck is drunk]

Beck: What? I can’t help it. I love you so much. [Beck is walking a little backwards. She spills a stranger’s drink.]

Stranger: Watch it, guy.

Beck: Oh, you wanna fight me? Let’s get it, bro.

Aidy: Okay, that’s my cue. I gotta get him out of here.

[Aidy pulls Beck away]

Cecily: Okay. I’ll see you guys later.

Beck: You’ll never find a love like this.

Aidy: Okay. That’s enough.

[Cecily looks at Cecily and Beck walk away carefully]

Female voice: Wishing your man was here? He would be a handful. But wow, do you miss him. Now, you don’t have to. Introducing My Drunk Boyfriend. [Cut to Cecily receiving the box of doll delivered in her home] The only life sized doll guaranteed to make you feel like your man is right there with you. And he is hammered. [Cecily opens the box. There’s a real looking doll guy.] 150 pounds of dead weight. [Cecily is trying to take  the doll out, but she is falling with the doll.] And you get to be his babysitter. Designed to mimic the behavior of the sloppy grown man that you can’t get enough of. Programmed to say over 200 unique phrases.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I think I’m going to take piano lessons.

Female voice: It’s always a fun night with My Drunk Boyfriend.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] Cops. I want to watch Cops.

Female voice: You’ll love hearing about his big plans.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I’m gonna call my boss and quit.

Female voice: Or when he cries over a dead relative he never mentioned before.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk crying] My Uncle! [sobbing] My uncle!

Female voice: With My Drunk Boyfriend beside you, you’ll never miss out on a night of rolling him over when he snores. And oh no, watch out. My Drunk Boyfriend has a timer set to get up in the middle of the night and pee into your hamper.

Melissa: No. No. That’s the laundry.

Boyfriend Doll: [drunk voice] I did good, right?

Female voice: Plus, with a new My Drunk Boyfriend expansion pack, you’ll get all sorts of accessories. Like, pants that don’t come all the way off. A charred frozen pizza that he brought into bed. A glass of water he will ignore. And just a one more beer. My Drunk Boyfriend. He’s a problem, but he’s your problem.

Male voice: From the makes of My Drunk Girlfriend.

[Cut to a female doll]

Girlfriend doll: [drunk voice] Are you mad at me?

Alex: Yeah. [smiling at camera] I’m mad at you.

Morning Joe Michael Wolff Cold Open

Mika Brzezinski… Kate McKinnon

Joe Scarborough… Alex Moffat

Willie Geist… Mikey Day

Eddie Glaude… Chris Redd

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Steve Bannon… Bill Murray

Oprah Winfrey… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Mornig Joe intro]

Song: Welcome to the nut house.

[Cut to Mika and Joe in their set]

Mika: Good morning.

Joe: Good morning.

[cheers and applause]

It’s a great song. Who is that?

Mika: Joe, you know who it is.

Joe: Oh yeah, it’s me. Ha-ha. That’s my original jam, ‘Welcome to the nut house.’ I’m Joe, that’s Mika. Willie Geist is here.

Willie: Good morning.

Joe: We just played that song live last night in prohibition. Mika was there.

Mika: I come because I have to.

[Mika and Joe start looking at each other intimately]

Joe: You come because I tell you to.

Mika: Oh my god. Can we not be this self aggrandizing this early in the morning? You’re digusting.

Joe: And you’re foul.

Mika: I’m gonna bar foul over you.

[Willie is confused]

[Joe looks at the camera]

Joe: Let’s get to the news. President Trump is at it again. He’s using a deeply offensive when describing Haiti and some African country.

Mika: Can you trust?

Joe: Joining me to break this down is chair for the Center of African American Studies at Princeton, [Cut to Eddie] Eddie Glaude.

Eddie: How are you doing?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Eddie]

Joe: Eddie, this is an example of inflammatory racist language. Why do GOP leaders condemn this immediately?

Eddie: Well, first–

Joe: [interrupting] Because Eddie, you’ve studied this stuff extensively, okay? I mean, can you imagine any other president making comments like this? What’s your take?

Eddie: I mean–

Joe: [interrupting] I mean, this is not the first time that he said something like this. Is this a surprise giving his comments in the past? He’s taking about asian, he’s talking about Africans, and the question is this, when will they get to speak? When is it their turn? How long will they be silenced.

Eddie: I personally–

Joe: [interrupting] Eddie Glaude, great points. Thanks for joining us.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Mika: Well, it has been a tough week for the president with the release of the sensational new book ‘Fire and Fury.’ Joining us is the author of that book, Michael Wolff.

[Michael Wolff joins Mika and Joe]

[cheers and applause]

Michael Wolff: Thanks for having me.

Joe: Now, Michael, this book is wild.

Mika: Insane.

Joe: The conversations are so intimate–

Mika: It’s depressing. I’m depressed. It’s amazing what you’ve found. You say the president watches TV most of the day. He eats McDonald’s because he’s afraid of being poisoned. Is there anything you didn’t include?

Michael Wolff: Well, sure. Probably the worst one is the baby races.

Mika: What?

Joe: Can I get your pardon?

Michael Wolff: There were baby races. Trump would ask to have two babies placed in his office usually of different ethnicities. Someone would put a bowl of goldfish crackers on the other side of the room and Trump would say, “1,000 bucks on the black one.”

Mika: My– Is that real?

Michael Wolff: [smiling] Yeah.

Willie: Now, Michael, there has been several errors pointed out in this book already. Do you take responsibility for those?

Michael Wolff: Look, you read it, right?

[looks like they haven’t read it]

Mika: Yeah.

Joe: Of course.

Michael Wolff: And you liked it? You had fun?

[Willie is just nodding his head]

Joe: Yeah.

Mika: Yeah.

Michael Wolff: Well, what’s the problem? You got the gist. So, shut up. You know, even the stuff that’s not true, it’s true.

Mika: I knew it. I knew it was true. The White House is a– I can’t, and I can’t.

Joe: [interrupting] Okay, you know, hey, this one. [Mika is trying to speak] It has been at an 11 for the past year. Okay? I think you’re hangry.

Mika: Oh, you stop.

Joe: This one’s hangry. Come on. Hey, you, calm down. What do you want to do for lunch?

Mika: I don’t know.

Joe: Yeah. I know what you want. [Mika and Joe look into each other’s eyes intimately] You’re a steak florentine gal.

Mika: Yeah? You’re gonna feed me my meat? Coz you’re a dirty dog?

[Willie is shaking his head]

Joe: You know I am. Ruff. Ruff.

[Michael Wolff is looking at them and is uncomfortable]

[Joe looks at the camera]

Michael, one person who is heavily featured in this book is Steve Bannon who is just like goes had a Breitbart news. Here to talk about it. Steve Bannon.

[Steve Bannon joins them. He is wearing grim reaper costume. He opens the costume and takes a seat.]

[cheers and applause]

Steve, good lord.

Mika: My god, Steve. I always thought you look like death but this is death form–

Steve Bannon: Mika, nice words, blessings.

Mika: Okay, so you guys know each other, right?

Michael Wolff: Of course. I got him fired.

Steve Bannon: Come on. I got you hired.

Michael Wolff: Oh, you love it. Even the negative stuff. You love it.

Steve Bannon: Do love it, do live it. Look, no one gets the Bannon fire. No one.

Michael Wolff: Um, except me.

Steve Bannon: Hey!

Michael Wolff: I did.

Steve Bannon: I never said Don Jr. was treasonous.

Michael Wolff: Yes, you did.

Steve Bannon: Well, I certainly never said that he cracked like an egg on TV.

Michael Wolff: Uh, yeah, that sounds exactly like you.

Steve Bannon: Okay, that does sound like me. Yeah. Alright, thank you. Good reporting. But look, the Cannon magic still out there. Steve Bannon, the Bannon Cannon, magic, magic, magic, magic, magic, kind of king makers, ozymandias, the Bannon dynasty is dawning.

Mika: Uh-huh. And, um, what are you doing now?

Steve Bannon: I’m working on a web series for crackle. It’s called ‘Cocksy cars getting coffee.’ And I’m also coming out with a new line of wrinkled barn jackets called fruppers for guys. Spring time, skin care line. Blotch.

Michael Wolff: You know what? Come on. You know you’re done. It’s over.

Joe: Yeah, Steve, you think they’re ever let you back in politics?

Steve Bannon: Yes and on the Cannon’s terms too, as a king maker. I convinced this country to elect Donald. And I can do it again. Already auditioning candidates. Got some prospects. Logan Paul. Martin Shkreli. The subway guy, Jared Fogle. He’s back. He’s electable. It’s time for America to slide down the Bannon-ster. [smiles]

Michael Wolff: You know, Steve, I have to admit it. You did something amazing. You took the biggest long shot in history and you got him elected president. And you unleashed this monster of biblical proportions upon the universe.

Steve Bannon: Michael Wolff, it’s the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me. Thank you.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: I can’t.

Joe: Mika.

Mika: The America we loved is over and no one is coming to save us and no one can.

Joe: Well, you know what? Let’s go live by satellite to special guest.

[Cut to Oprah Winfrey]

[cheers and applause]

Mika: Oh my god, it’s Oprah. I thought I smelled lavender and money.

Joe: Oprah, are you running?

[Cut to split screen with Mika and Joe, and Oprah]

Oprah: Well, I am a celebrity, so I’m qualified. But I’m different from Donald Trump because I am actually a billionaire. So, who knows? I mean there’s only one job in the world more powerful than being president.

Mika: And what’s that?

Oprah: Being Oprah. Bye.

[Cut to Joe’s set]

Joe: Thank you, Oprah. That was delightful. Thanks for being here. And

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Marcus Comes to Dinner

Richard… Sam Rockwell

Aidy Bryant

Tim… Alex Moffat

Marcus… Chris Redd

[Starts with Richard and Aidy waiting for the guests in home]

Richard: What time are Tim and his friend coming over?

Aidy: Okay, it’s Tim’s boyfriend, Richard. If we’re going to make an effort then we really have to make an effort.

Richard: Yeah. Boyfriend. I’m sorry. Their light has part I don’t like.

[Cut to Tim and Marcus outside the door.]

Tim: Yeah. It’ll be okay. We’ll get through it. Just we’ll be out of here in like an hour, tops. Okay?

Marcus: Yeah. If you say so.

Tim: Yeah.

Marcus: Um, do they know I’m a pornstar?

Tim: What? No. No. God. I didn’t tell them that. Why would I tell them that you are a pornstar?

[Aidy opens the doory]

Aidy: Timmy?

[Tim and Marcus walk inside the door]

Tim: Hey!

Aidy: Oh, come on in here, guys.

Richard: Hey.

Tim: How are you doing?

Richard: [looks at Marcus] Wait, um. Never mind.

Marcus: Oh.

Tim: Um, you know, we’re really happy to see you guys.

Aidy: Of course. Have a seat, you guys. You know, we are so happy to have our little angel home and you must be Marcus.

Marcus: Yes, ma’am.

Richard: Does Marcus seem familiar to you?

Aidy: How so?

Richard: I don’t know. Marcus, do I know you?

Marcus: Nah, we never met.

Richard: Really? I feel like I see you all the time. Are you working at that coffee shop on second or something? Where do I know you from? What do you do?

Marcus: Some freelance stuff.

Tim: You know, Marcus is a dental hygienist. He cleans teeth. It’s all he does.

[Aidy has a wine and wine opener in her hands]

Aidy: Oh, well, sweetie, there’s no need to be tensed. Your father and I are very much happy that both of you are here. You know, I am struggling with this thing. Can one of you open it?

Marcus: Oh, definitely. I will definitely.

[Marcus gets the wine bottle and the opener. He puts it between his legs and he is making noises while using his strength.]

Richard: I would disagree on a lot son. I’m getting used to your lifestyle. We can still be a fit family. [Richard is looking at Marcus making noises with a bottle between his legs] I was thinking maybe you could join us at church sometime.

Marcus: So hard sometimes, you know?

Richard: God, where do I know you from?

Tim: Hey, dad! Dad, can you just drop it?

Richard: You work at a Crunch? I know I’ve seen you.

Marcus: Yeah. That’s becoming very clear. Very clear.

Aidy: Well, you know boys, I got those sneaker doodle cookies that you like. They’re in the kitchen. You know, the thing about these two boys is that they share everything the same. They got the same taste in everything.

Marcus: Yeah. I’m very popular with certain type of democraphic.

Tim: Um, mom, how’s Kathleen?

Aidy: Well, she’s out of control. I mean she has two tattoos. Now, you don’t have any tattoos, do you Tim?

Tim: No, mom.

Aidy: What about you, Marcus?

Marcus: Well, I got a couple.

Richard: Couple of guns right above your butt. Oh! You’re a gay pornstar. That’s what it is. I feel so stupid. I got one of my top tier gay pornstar in my house and we’re giving him cookies. I can’t believe I wore this shirt to meet Marco Pumpgood like an idiot. I have cuter shirts, just so you know. See, I got confused earlier because you kind of look like Jason Thrust. But I thought, “No, no, he hasn’t been with the cocky boys for like..”, I don’t know, three years. But, you both went on that Palm Springs getaway together? Boy! As soon as I saw that trailer, that’s when I finally subscribed. Just bootlegging off that tube size for that but I wasn’t about to wait a whole week for that scene. Well, [walks to the door and gets his coat] anyhow, I guess I’m getting a divorce. Now, I’m probably stepping down this pastry. Goodbye, family.

[Richard walks out]

Aidy: Well, okay. So, that was a lot to take.

[Richard walks in again and takes his laptop with him]

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. And you’re gonna need your laptop. Sure. Okay. Well, so, Pumpgood, is that Irish or?

Marcus: Um, no, ma’am. It’s from porn.

Aidy: Yeah. I know that. It was a joke. My marriage just fell apart. Will you let me have one thing?

[The end]

Nativity Play

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Terry… Heidi Gardner

Carey… Cecily Strong

Wise men… Kyle Mooney, Mikey Day, Kevin Hart

Mary… Kate McKinnon

Joseph… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Aidy announcing on a stage]

Aidy: Hello and welcome to Rock Harbor’s annual Christmas eve service. In a few moments, Pastor Brandon will give another legendary Christmas sermon and it’s a crusher.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: [in loud voice] Oh, I hope it’s about Christmas.

Leslie: Stop.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Cut first, our team ministry will present it’s annual Nativity play. Now, I know that the whole town has been buzzing since we promised that there would be a live camel in our show. But it turns out camels are a bit costly. So, the role of the wise men’s camel will be played by a lhama with a beanbag hump. And the llama’s handler has a brief announcement.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: Hi, folks. Hi, I’m Terry from Mayfair Llama Ranch. The Llama’s roddy right now which means it’s mating season. And basically males get territorial and aggressive. So, I’ve given the wise men the protective wear.

Aidy: Right.

Terry: I also gave them lettuce for treats.

Aidy: Great!

Terry: Oh. And you may hear the term “Jaahi”, that’s a command which basically means, “Easy boy.” Thank you.

[Terry leaves]

Aidy: Okay. Well, I’m sure you won’t notice any of that. Now, I’d like to welcome our narrator Carey who is our lead teen minister to the stage.

[Carey walks in. Aidy walks out.]

Carey: The Nativity. [speaking in hurry] We take you now to the desert of Judah where three wise men followed the north star of Bethlehem.

[Carey walks out]

[The stage curtain opens. There are three wise men with a llama. The actors are scared of the llama.]

Kyle: God has told us to travel to Bethlehem to greet the arrival of king of kings. [llama moves] Jaahi. Sorry, I thought he was going to kick me again. Jaahi. We shall travel there on this majestic camel.

Mikey: Jaahi. Um, I shall brush our camel’s coat [Mikey has a brush in his one hand. But he is scared to go near llama] so it’s worthy of being seen by the son of god. Jaahi. Jaahi. [Mikey touches llama with a brush and runs away.]

Kevin: Jaahi! Jaahi! Yo, Jaahi, yo! Jaahi. Jaahi. [Kevin is holding the lease rope to the llama] Ay, can somebody else hold the rope. Jaahi. Um, we will present these gifts to the young king. [llama moves a little] Jaahi! Jaahi! The llama ate those props so we don’t have– Jaahi. Come on, man.

Kyle: Let us calm our camel and begin the journey. We’re not gonna do it coz llama won’t let us.

[the llama moves]

Kyle, Mikey and Kevin: Jaahi! No. Jaahi.

[The curtain closes]

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t like that narrator girl.

Kenan: That’s your criticism? Not the llama stuff?

[Cut to Terry whispering in Aidy’s ear]

Aidy: Okay. Okay. Right. I see. Thank you. Um, so, Terry has informed me that in the next major scene, our wise men will be holding up a blanket. Okay? To block an area of the llama’s body that had become inappropriate. Okay. Thank you.

[Cut to Carey standing before the curtain.]

Carey: We take you now to Bethlehem where the wise men reach the major.

[Carey walks out. The curtain opens. There are three wise men and a llama. Kyle and Mikey are covering llama’s genitals with a blanket.

Mikey: Oh my god, that’s insane.

Kyle: Dude, llama!

Kevin: Low, a manger, inside Joseph and his wife, Mary, who birthed the new boy and king. Yo, I’m sorry, everybody, but the llama man’s horny right now. Yo.

[Mary walks in]

Mary: Oh, glorious miracle. Born into a virgin, the son of god. [Mary carries a toy baby. The goy baby has no head.] Okay, the llama ate some of the baby. What say you? Dear Joseph? Bryan, it’s your line.

[Joseph is looking at llama’s genitals]

Joseph: Wo-ho-ho-ho. Oh! Um, the child is surely a son of god.

[Joseph goes back to looking at llama’s genitals]

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Leslie: I don’t blame him. I won’t lie. I’m curious.

[Cut to the stage]

Kevin: Yo, man. He’s making noises. I’m not holding no more. [Kevin throws away the lease rope] Y’all got to do that.

Mikey: Yeah. We out of here. We out of here.

[Cut to Kenan and Leslie]

Kenan: Hey, boys. Don’t drop that blanket. Oh! And there it is.

[Leslie stands happily and starts clapping]

Leslie: Good for you, llama.

[Cut to the stage. The curtain closes. Aidy walks in.]

Aidy: Okie, dokie. That concludes our Nativity program. There’s more but you guys know the story, right? Thank you. And I am so sorry.

[Terry walks in]

Terry: And we’ll be sticking around after the service if anybody would like a picture with the llama.

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Oh, I’mma be there.

Inside the NBA

Ernie Johnson… Alex Moffat

Kenny Smith… Chris Redd

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

Shaquille O’Neal… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Inside The NBA intro]

[Cut to the show set]

Ernie: Hey, welcome back to Inside The NBA. I’m Ernie Johnson. That’s Kenny the Jet Smith and Charles Barkley.

Charles: Hey, there.

Kenny: What’s up?

Ernie: And on my right is Shaquille O’Neal.

Shaq: Happy holidays and Merry Christmas. Very merry. If you’re Jewish, happy home manukkah.

Ernie: Thank you, Shaq. Um, we also want to welcome back Charles who spent the past few days in his home state of Alabama campaign for Doug Jones. I’m sure you’re happy, Charles.

Charles: Oh, man, I am, Ernie. First of all, I’m happy for Alabama. I’m happy for the country. And I’d be personally happy if I hadn’t bet $100,000 on Roy Moore.

Kenny: Wait, you bet on Roy Moore?

Charles: I couldn’t help it, man. I thought he was a lock. I’m from Alabama. That’s not the most progressive place. I mean a lot of folks down there think that Ellen DeGeneres is going through a phase. I mean, Roy Moore rode a horse to the polls.

Shaq: Hah! Ay, Shaq can’t ride no horse. Feet don’t touch the ground. But you can’t be the dead horse because dead horse tell no tales. Coz they’re horses. We lost their tails.

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, you gotta get it together, man. I think you’re the only basketball player whose brain has aged like a football player. Let’s just say congratulations to Doug Jones.

Kenny: It’s amazing that the underdog won.

Shaq: Yeah. Well, let me say something. Every dog has it’s day. But it was night time. No time for dogs. Dogs are asleep, so it’s cat time. Cats come out at night. Freaks come out at night. Shaq a freak!

[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]

Charles: Shaq, what the hell are you saying, man? We talking about the senate election.

Shaq: Ho-ho. Hey, I love the send-it (senate). I write an email, hit the send button, boom. Send it (senate).

Charles: Oh, damn, Shaq. It’s like a whole bunch of words got jumbled up in your brain and a fire marshall said, “Everybody out!”

Shaq: Hey, you shut your mouth, Charles. Don’t make me come over there and do something Shaq for you ass. Ya-ha-haa.

Ernie: Okie, dokie. Um, let’s just move on to tonight’s games. First up, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavs are taking on the LA Lakers.

Kenny: Expect a big game from LeBron having another NVP. He’s just on an entirely different playing field this season.

Shaq: No, no, no. No. That’s ridiculous Kenny. LeBron is not on his field. He’s on a court, dummy. You dumb. A court is in session. Alright. The honorable Shaq and Shaq don’t crack. Haaa.

Charles: Damn, Shaq. I can hear your tiny brain rattling around your skull like a little bean in a maraca.

Ernie: Oh, alright. Alright. Let’s all try to get along for once?

Shaq: Yeah. That’s right. Coz when you get along, you go along. And when you go along, you tag along. And Shaq loves Tag alongs. Best girls got cookies. Tag alongs. It is the Shaq of cookies. Haaa.

Charles: Shaq, that didn’t make a lick of sense. How do you even do endorsements? Do they just put a pack of ice in your hand and then sprayed peanut butter on the roof of your mouth and dropped over the words later.

Shaq: Okay. That’s it. It’s go time. [Shaq stands, he is very tall] Let’s go, Chuck. Throw me the ball.  [someone throws a basketball to Shaq.] Haa, yeah. Me and you, Charles.

Charles: Okay.

Shaq: Let’s go.

Charles: Come on, man. We are getting too old for this.

Ernie: Guys, guys, we are paid to come to work and talk bout basketball.

Shaq: No. No. No. I’m about to get you barbecued chicken. It’s duckets coz you shaqed in a fool. Let’s go, Chuck.

Charles: Man, look at you. Tall body with little arms. You look like the letter ‘F’ came to life.

Ernie: Okay. Hey, we’ll be right back where maybe, we’ll even talk a little basketball.

Charles: $1,000 says we won’t.