Tag: Chloe Fineman

Gospel Play Promo

Kenan Thompson

Bill Burr

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Beck Bennett

Pete Davidson

[Starts with short clips of the show]

Male voice: North Carolina come on down to the Raleigh Praise Center to catch the opening weekend of Kim Fitzgerald’s new play, ‘God, don’t let Whitey take the house’. The Cole’s are a good Christian family.

Kenan: Now, y’all kids know you ain’t got nothing that can touch your temptations.

[Kenan starts laughing]

Male voice: Watch as they take not one, not two but all the white devils for this epic three night event. Enjoy all your favorites like Chet Roth as evil white landlord “Merriwether Windbanks”.

Merriwether Windbanks: Now you give me that rented A or you and your family have to be homeless.

Kenan: [yelling] Why?

Male voice: The Coles are gonna beg but Whitey just don’t give a damn.

Kenan: [speaking on the phone] I collect all orders from Jesus.

Male voice: But no worries. God’s got their back and he’s willing. Returning to the stage, we have stunning Charlotte Amory as Mrs. Baker, the guidance counselor.

[Cut to Mrs. Baker and Ego at school.]

Mrs. Baker: You expect me to believe he got these scores with no help?

Ego: He did have help, from Jesus!

Male voice: Introducing Topher Beatty as a devious white mayor ‘Williams Kingsbury’.

[Cut to Williams Kingsbury and Derome at veranda]

Derome: You can’t just come in here and take the house that my daddy built.

Williams Kingsbury: Derome, is it? Son, I’m the mayor of this town and I’m rezoning this property for a haunted house. But there is a way for you to stop the construction.

Derome: What is it? Whatever it is, I know god will help make it happen.

Williams Kingsbury: I want you to sleep with my wife while I watch.

Derome: Now you know I can’t do that. I’m a Christian man.

Williams Kingsbury: Boys! Tear it down.

[Bulldozer sound]

Derome: [crying] Jesus!

Male voice: New comers Tanesha Jenkins and Rebecca Longfellow blaze the staze.

[Cut to Tanesha and Rebecca at an office.]

Rebecca: Why can’t I have the job, Ms. Waterberry? I need it to save my momma’s house.

Tanesha: It’s your butt. It’s too much.

Rebecca: [looking at her own butt] Damn!

Male voice: And you know you don’t want to miss Saturday’s matinee. For Kenan night only, SNL’s Pete Davidson joins the cast as 90’s R&B star John B.

[Cut to Pate Davidson singing to Ego]

Pete: [singing] Don’t listen to what people say

I know I’m white, but I go to black barber shop, I love church, and I got my own business doing yacht work. Will you marry me?

Ego: Yes! Thank you Jesus.

[Williams Kingsbury walks in]

Williams Kingsbury: Not so fast.

[gunshot sound]

Male voice: Don’t be the only person who doesn’t know how it all goes down. “God, don’t let whity take the house.]

The Drew Barrymore Show

Drew, Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Tom Green… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter… Kenan Thompson

[starts with a show intro]

Male voice: There’s a new face in Daytime.

Drew: Hello to all my beautiful wild flowers.

Male voice: After seeing what went down with Ellen, we took a hard turn in the other direction.

Drew: I am just like you. A Bo-ho free spirit mommy mother movie star since I was six.

Male voice: It’s the Drew Barrymore show.

Drew: How do you do?

Male voice: Tune in to see her have a blast by herself in a big empty studio.

Drew: Holy, moly, oly.

Male voice: Watch as she connects to her Zoom audience.

Drew: Thank you for being my VFF. Virtual Friends Forever.

Male voice: Drew gives back to worthy families in the best way she can.

[Drew is talking to Linda via Zoom in her show]

Drew: How are you holding up?

Linda: You know, it’s been tough. My husband and I are working from home. And we have almost $50,000 in hospital bills.

Drew: I feel that, Linda. And that’s why we’re paying… to renovate your walk in closet! Yay!

Linda: My what?

Male voice: And don’t worry about her being mean to the crew. [Drew runs towards her cameraman to hug him, but he is trying to avoid her.] They say he maintains eye contact too long and is too emotionally supportive.

Drew: I’m a hugger.

Cameraman: No!

Drew: Okay.

Male voice: Be the third wheel in a celebrity catch up.

[Drew is on her show with Reese Witherspoon]

Drew: My best friend Reese Witherspoon, the best woman on earth.

Reese Witherspoon: Girl, you are literally a mom here.

Drew: I marvel at you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you more than Oprah.

Drew: I love you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you so much, I want to come into your room and murder you with a butter spoon.

Male voice: Get Drew’s take on the news.

Drew: Hot off the press, brushing your teeth is a game changer.

Male voice: And stay tuned for a harrowing catch up between Drew and her ex-husband Tom Green.

[Drew is on her show with Tom Green]

Drew: It’s been what? 15 years?

Tom Green: Yeah. Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Male voice: You want guests? Drew texts everyone in her phone and interviews whoever shows up.  Like, Nicole Kidman.

[Drew is on her show with Nicole Kidman]

Drew: Thank you for for allowing me to be on your show.

Nicole Kidman: Drew, this is your show.

Drew: Oh my god. Thank you.

Male voice: At least someone’s enjoying 2020.

Drew: And now sensual homosexual Billy Porter singing to a flower.

[Cut to Billy Porter singing to a flower. He is wearing high heels.]

Billy Porter: [singing] Edelweiss
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Is this happening? Or am I kind of high?

Male voice: The Drew Barrymore show. You’re in your bed anyway. Just watch it!

NBA Bubble

Patrice Soupsalad… Chris Rock

Candis… Ego Nwodim

Queenie… Chloe Fineman

Kittie…Lauren Holt

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Maya Rudolph

Punkie Johnson

Delivery guy… Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Adam Silver… Alex Moffat

Athlete… Chris Redd

Meghan Thee Stallion

[Starts with ESPN show intro]

Male voice: Live from Big Thunder Mountain Hotel in Orlando, it’s the NBA Bubble Draft finals. With your host, Patrice Soupsalad.

[Cut to Soupsalad in the show set]

Soupsalad: Welcome, welcome, welcome. That’s right. During this unique NBA season, our players have been completely isolated from their wives, their girlfriends and whoever else they might wanna see. None of we reached NBA finals. These lovely ladies have one last chance to join the NBA bubble. This is the a NBA Bubble draft.

[Cut to sponsored ads]

Male voice: Brought to you by, Summer’s Eve Lysol wipes, because you may have sadden someone, and you don’t want to get it that way!

[Cut back to Soupsalad]

Soupsalad: Now, these women may not get an NBA championship ring, but they can get the next best thing. Soupsalad8 years of child support.

[There are three women standing beside Soupsalad]

Let’s pick the top draft picks.

Candis: I’m Candis and I’ve got a really impressive resume. Lil’ Wayne, Lil’ Dicky, Wesley Snipes and two years of nursing school. Shublop!

Queenie: I’m Queenie, a former hockey ho who styled in in two sports. I used the follow the Canucks but now I follow the Kanicks. Leave me in a bubble.

Kittie: [holding a syringe] I’m Kittie. I’m an essential worker here to shoot my shot.

Soupsalad: So, you’re a COVID nurse?

Kittie: [nodding her head] Sure!

Soupsalad: Seeing a lot of promise here today. It’s gonna be difficult to choose the smartest, the prettiest, and the most down for whatever, if you know what I mean. So, who’s next?

[There’s another woman dressed in leopard print dress and she is holding a bag.]

Aidy: A-hah! Honey, how’d I get this bag, how’d I get this ring? Well, let’s just say it’s velvet down there. [pointing at the audience] Hey, hey, is that girl laughing at me?

[Cut to the audience. They are just real-life-size cardboard cutouts.]

Soupsalad: Sweetheart, that’s a cutout of a face.

Aidy: Well, she got a stank face and she’s flat as hell!

[Aidy walks out and Kate walks in.]

Kate: Hey, hey. Is this where the Seattle Storm and the Las Vegas Aces are staying?

Soupsalad: I think you’re looking for the WNBA.

Kate: Ha-ha-ha. Right, you are, sir. Yes!

Soupsalad: Love is love. Love is basketball. Who’s next?

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Maya: My husband and I have been together singe high school. We have five kids and I am his rock. But he already told me wives aren’t allowed in the bubble, so I am just here to send my man some love.

Soupsalad: Well, you are allowed in the bubble. You just have to quarantine.

Maya: Oh, interesting. That is not the information that have been previously relayed to me. But now that I’m privy to this, my husband is a dead man.

Soupsalad: Things are heating up.

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Punkie: How y’all doing? I’m TJ and I’ve been here for 60 days, because I just have to keep restarting quarantine because I can’t stop ordering buffalo wild wings.

Soupsalad: The bubble is tight. No ordering outside food.

Punkie: It’s alright because I made it to day 13, so I am good.

[A delivery guy walks in]

Delivery guy: Um, I have a buffalo wild wings delivery here.

Punkie: I said contactless delivery, man!

[Punkie walks out and Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Hi. I was actually quarantined in Disney World anyway. I just work in the hall of president’s. I played Monica Lewinsky, but then I got older. [whispering] Pills. And now I get to be Goofy. Marry me, basketball. Oh, I should put on my mask.

[Heidi wears Goofy dog’s mascot head.]

[There’s a sound playing]

Soupsalad: You know what that sound means. The draft pick has been made. Please welcome NBA commissioner, Adam Silver.

[Adam Silver walks in with a young basketball player walking behind him.]

Adam Silver: Hey! Alright. Good work, Soupsalad. Wow. You know, being here today just proves that even in a pandemic, you can’t keep a good ho down. With that being said, our point guard’s beautiful wife Michelle is here. So, obviously we’re gonna–

Athlete: [interrupting] Uh-uh. There’s a change of plans. I choose her. [pointing at Meghan]

Meghan: Ah! Oh my god! I promise you won’t regret this, okay? It’s been a long journey to get here. All the DM slotting, all the thirst trapping. You got my Amazon wishlist, right?

Athlete: Uh-huh.

Meghan: Love you.

Soupsalad: First wives, second wives, mistresses and side pieces, this has been the NBA Draft Bubble.

Digital Exclusive- Your House Promo

Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with video clips of people enjoying at sea beach.]

Male voice: Looking to get away? [heavy metal music playing] Then look no further than the only place you’re allowed to go right now. Your house.

[Cut to inside of a house.]

You’ll know you’re in the right place when you see the disorganized pile of shoes by the door. And once you cross the yoga mat that’s slowly becoming a rug, you’re in.

[Cut to Alex in his kitchen]

First stop? The kitchen. Where you can feast on a fridge full of expired condiments.

[Alex holds a Heinz Tomato Ketchup that has Olympics 2014 logo.] Sochi Olympics?

And do you smell what the stove is cooking? Nothing. Because all that one burner does is leak gas and click. Call the fire department!

[Cut to the living room]

When you’re grubbed up, it’s time to relax in your house’s living room. [Cut to Mikey Day watching TV.] Watch and scream to your to your heart’s content but don’t look behind the TV or you’ll find absolute orgy of cables, wires and zip ties that will give you anxiety.

Nothing good on? [Mikey shuts the TV off and pulls his laptop] Then hop online and surf the web with your home’s blazing slow WiFi which covers almost every part of the room.

[Cut to the bathroom] And don’t worry if nature calls. Your home has you covered with your choice of bathrooms. The nice one. And the other one. [cut to Kyle Mooney in a bad bathroom.] Mil-Dew it, baby.

Your house knows that in these uncertain times, nothing is more important than your health. [Cut to Chloe Fineman looking at the medicines.] That’s why your medicine cabinet is absolutely stacked with two band-aids, tums, a bottle of Amoxycylino…? From 2011, a loose AAA battery and ass load of Tylenol PM. But no regular Tylenol.

Plus, ponder your house’s many mysteries like the famous drawyer of [bleep]. Featuring another loose AAA battery. And of course, the slightly raised nail that absolutely annihilates your socks. [As Aidy Bryant is walking past the door, the nail tears her socks.] Shredded!

Plus, your house features appearances by your kids. [Cut to Kenan Thompson getting frustrated by kids.] And guess what, hoss? They don’t respect you at all.

Georgia: [jumping on the bed] Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: What? What is it, Georgia?

Georgia: You’re old. [showing thumbs-down.]

Male voice: All this, plus plates, plates, plates. Every room has a dirty plate in it. Living room plate. Bathroom plate. Bedroom plate. Floor plate. Plate on the nightstand. And what’s that? Another loose AAA battery. They’re everywhere! So, what are you waiting for? Check out your house today. You don’t have a choice.

Digital Exclusive- The Last Dance

David Aldridge… Chris Redd

Steve Kerr… Mikey Day

Kim Jong-Un… Bowen Yang

Andrea Kremer… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with short clips from Michael Jordan documentary The Last Dance’]

Steve Kerr: Things were getting tensed.

David Aldridge: This wasn’t basketball. This was war.

Andrea Kremer: The fairytale was coming to an end.

David Aldridge: Everything Michael Jordan did turned to a story.

[Cut to a video with a message ‘Now everyone has something to say’.]

[Cut to Kim Jong-Un]

Kim Jong-Un: [looking at his mic] This thing on?

[Cut to ‘The Last Dance’ video bumper]

Andrea Kremer: At this point, the Bulls had won five championships in seven years.

Steve Kerr: In 95 and 96, we won 72 games. The next year, we won 69 games. We were unstoppable.

David Aldridge: There’s absolutely no way you could talk about the greatest teams of all time and not mention the Chicago Bulls.

Kim Jong-Un: Nobody likes 90s Bulls more than me. I freaking love that team.

Steve Kerr: Really, there was just one person standing in our way. Jerry Krause.

Andrea Kremer: So, Bulls general manager Jerry Krause announced that this would be the last season for coach Phil Jackson, effectively breaking up the greatest team of all time.

David Aldridge: Jerry had a little man problem. He grew up a little fat kid. He didn’t have a lot of money. He was always the underdog.

Kim Jong-Un: He’s like I always say, never trust a fat little weirdos who make it all about themselves.

David Aldridge: Krause was quoted saying, “Players don’t win championships. Organizations do.”

Kim Jong-Un: What? That’s like saying democracy is better than dictatorship. That’s the kind of talk that get you poisoned, bro.

Steve Kerr: We were a family. And like all families, we had our problems.

Andrea Kremer: In the middle of the season, Dennis Rodman goes to Phil Jackson and says he needs a vacation.

Steve Kerr: Boom. We don’t hear or see Dennis for 48 hours.

Kim Jong-Un: Nobody knows where this guy is. Is he in Vegas? Is he having heart surgery? Is he gravely ill? Is he already dead?

Steve Kerr: Dennis was a great team mate, but frankly his behavior was bizarre.

Andrea Kremer: The hair, the tattoos, the eccentric clothes.

Kim Jong-Un: I told him don’t over think it, if you want to look cool, just wear exact same clothes as your dad everyday for the rest of your life.

[Next Week]

Steve Kerr: Game five of the 97 finals.

Andrea Kremer: And Michael Jordan has the flu.

Kim Jong-Un: A flu? Boo! That’s not a thing. You want to know what I have? Hypertension, diabetes, a lymph, obesity, smoker’s cough, heart problems and coronavirus. I’m feeling just fine. Da’ Bulls. Am I saying that right? Okay. Da’ Bulls.

Digital Exclusive- Dr. Birx Ad

Dr. Deborah Birx… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Dr. Deborah speaking]

Dr. Deborah Birx: Hello, I’m Dr. Deborah Birx, Coronavirus Response Coordinator. You’ve seen me beside President Trump everyday providing my medical expertise. I’m on the front lines of this pandemic synthesizing critical, dense information so that the public can digest it. And your takeaway is, “Wow! That lady sure has a lot of scarves.”

[a couple of news articles about her scarves pop up on the screen]

Give my three decade long career as an expert in HIV AIDS immunology, vaccine research and global health, I think it’s wonderful that at the end of the day, scarves is the take away. I mean, you’re really latched on to the scarf thing. I love that. So, I’ve decided to lean in and design my own line for Mother’s Day.

Looking for something subtle and understated? Here’s one to love. [showing a scarf with “Screw you, I’m a doctor” written on it.]

Or, how about this? A whimsical pattern that says, “Do you know I went to medical school?” [showing the scarf]

And this one is birds. [showing the scarf] Because I like birds. Not everything has to be a thing.

I’ve answered all the tough questions like, “How do we stop this spread? Can we drink bleach?” But what you want to know is, “How do you fold your scarf?”

[Cut to Dr. Deborah showing how to fold scarf.]

Let me show you a simple timeless fold. Fold one. Fold two. And fold three.

Oh, here’s my favorite. A real statement piece. [showing the scarf] An actual statement piece. A message from the CDC. If this is the only thing that you’re zeroing in on while I’m talking, let’s make it count. Honestly, I don’t care if it’s sexist or not. Go ahead, buy a scarf for Mother’s Day. Just stay inside and stay away from Mom. Thank you.

So order today, wherever the hell scarves are sold.

Another MasterClass Quarantine Edition

Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

John Mulaney… Melissa Villasenor

[Starts with MasterClass intro]

Male voice: MasterClass Quarantine Edition is back with even more classes from your favorite famous people. Classes like, Phoebe Waller-Bridge teaches journaling.

Chloe: Hello, you cheeky little birds. I don’t know why I said that. I’m Chloe. And since this started, I have won two Emmy’s. No, I haven’t. But I might.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

I keep all sorts of journals. One for violent female rage. Oh, I agree. [showing a journal] And this one is full of my naughty little secrets. [trying to open it] It’s a bit sticky. Can’t open it.

[Break message reads “Get inside her mind.”]

Even if you’re not writing anything, you can look up from your journal with a cheeky little grin and play mind games with your partner. Oh! I know.

You can find inspiration anywhere. Like, your twerty little neighbor.

[talking to neighbor] Oh, hello. [talking to the camera] She hates me.

[reading her journal] Ha-ha-ha. I can’t believe I said that.

It was a cheesy, drippy, slutty little tart of the pizza. I’m Chloe and this is my MasterClass. Fancy!

Male voice: And John Mulaney teaches suits.

[Cut to John Mulaney]

Melissa: Okay, that will be all. Oh, hello there. I’m standup comedian John Mulaney. And this is my MasterClass on how to master [holds his tie] class.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

This suit is ideal if the vibe you’re going for is precocious kids who is asking all the wrong questions at this funeral.

[Break message reads “You’ll never stop learning.”]

You’re gonna have to decide whether you’re the type of person that’s gonna button up or button down. But I have to button up because I have no chest hair.

[Break message reads “Get the tricks of the trade.”]

Don’t you even think about leaving your tie loose. Tuck that in. Don’t be a monster. Oh, you’re looking sharp, John. And now you’re ready to hang out in your house coz we have nowhere to go.

[Break message reads “Pursue your passion.”]

Go, apply for the job and tell me thanks when you get it.

Male voice: And of course, Britney Spears teaches something.

[Cut to Britney Spears in her home]

Britney Spears: I’ve been in quarantine for five years now. And that’s okay because all my favorite stuff is here.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

[singing] Oops, I burned my gym down. So now, I exercise outside. When I’m looking for a creative outlet, sometimes I’ll paint, sometimes I’ll post. And I’m skinny as a needle. My loneliness is literally saving me.

The thing that helps me most in quarantine is being rich.

[Break message reads “We paid her too much for this.”]

During this time of Corona disease, we have to stay safe. My prayer is with you. I’m Britney Spears and this is my Master School.

Male voice: MasterClass, Quarantine Edition.

Airbnb Commericial

Chloe Fineman

[Airbnb commercial starts with Chloe making up the bed, gardening and decorating the house]

Chloe narrating: There’s so many people I haven’t met yet. Why not start at my own home? Being an Airbnb host has been one of the most life changing experiences I have ever had.

[A guests walks in]

Uli: This is the nicest house I have ever stayed. [taking selfie video] This is the kitchen. [pointing at the things in the kitchen] How cool? Pretty cool. Look at all the stuffs she has. [she opens the fridge and eats the cookies]

Chloe: narrating Uli was supposed to stay for three days. And then the quarantine happened.

Uli narrating: I get to stay another month. [she uses the juice mixer]

Chloe narrating: And she is still here.

[Uli is making noise in her room with loud music and dancing]

Chloe: Hey, Uli, can you do your dishes?

[Uli uses the garden hose to clean her dishes]

Uli: Pretty clean! [she breaks the bowl]

Chloe narrating: I love helping people. You know, what is more powerful than opening your home to a stranger?

[Chloe is video calling her mother]

Chloe: I know mom. Well, they laid off half the company.

[Uli slowly gets in]

Uli: We’re out of toilet paper.

Chloe: My roommate.

Uli: We’re out of toilet paper.

[Uli receiving the home delivered things]

Uli: Hey, you can just leave the package right there. [at the garden] Yeah, right over there.

Uli narrating: So, I can only pay with Swedish black market money. But, I’ll pay her back.

[Chloe finds her cookies plate empty]

Chloe narrating: I’m providing a home. My whole home.

[Chloe is video calling her grandmother]

Chloe: Hi, grand mom.

[Uli is making too much noise]

Uli narrating: I think we’re gonna be best friends forever.

[Chloe walks out of the door. She finds Uli stretching her body naked on the garden.]

MasterClass Quarantine Edition

Timothee Chalamet, Jojo Siwa, Carole Baskin… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with clips of people bored in the house]

Male voice: With the nation on total lockdown, now more than ever you’ve got time. That’s why there’s Masterclass Quarantine Edition. [Cut to Timothee Chalamet looking her mirror] Classes like Timothee Chalamet teaches fashion.

Chloe: I’m really passionate about clothing and fashion and all the clothes. Ha-ha. Hey, what’s up Masterclass? I’m Timothee Chalamet and your mom has sex dreams about me. Ha-ha. La-la-la-la. Ha-ha.

[Break message reads “Learn the keys to his success.”]

Hoodies are pretty much my favorite form of street wear. I’ve about 75 hoodies. All in different shades of navy blue.

[Break message reads “Find out his secrets.”]

Lesson number two is layering. Ha-ha. Put on a hat. Ha-ha. I put it like so. And literally just gonna take your hoodie and put it over your hat. Ha-ha.

[Break message reads “Our first class available in two languages.”]

[speaking in foreign language. Subtitle reads “I’m like a boy king.”]

I’m in my hoodie. I like to wear my hoodie like this. Or I can wear it like this. Ha-ha-ha. Na, na, na.

Male voice: And viral wild child Jojo Siwa teaches tiktok.

[Cut to video clips of Jojo Siwa doing tiktoks]

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

Jojo Siwa: Whoa! What’s up Masterclass? It’s your girl Jojo. That’s right, it’s me Jojo Siwa here to teach you how to tiktok.

[Break message reads “A voice like a wooden roller-coaster track- Time Magazine.”]

Now that I’m in quarantine I make a point to do 24 tiktoks per day. Lesson number one, and I’m gonna go fast because I’m technically supposed to be in home school.

[Break message reads “In her first ever online class.”]

Learn from me as to why exactly for no reason I do not understand why I have 17.7 million followers on tiktok.

[Break message reads “Master her unique techniques.”]

To make a tiktok, you can literally do anything.

[Cut to Jojo Siwa’s tiktoks.]

Tiktok is super simple, super easy. Put on your damn shoes.

Male voice: And Carole Baskin teaches bike riding.

[Cut to video clips of Carole Baskin riding bike]

Carole Baskin: Hello, you cool cats and kittens. Come, bike with me.

[Break message reads “Learn directly from the source.”]

Now, don’t go too fast. Where are all the kitties? [laughing] Good thing I’m not covered in sardine oil.

[Break message reads “Carole Baskin like you’ve never seen.”]

[music playing]

[rapping] Hey, you cool cats and kittens, come bike with me.
riding my bike on the big kitty lake around the kitty cat preserve
and I didn’t kill my husband
I like to ride by the big, big kitties and the little baby kitties

Male voice: Masterclass Quarantine Edition

Carole Baskin: Also, I didn’t kill my husband.

Male voice: Still, just as expensive.

The Sands of Modesto

Debranike… Kate McKinnon

Tyrell… Kenan Thompson

Stacia… Chloe Fineman

Blaise… Daniel Craig

Victania… Cecily Strong

[Starts with “The Sands of Modesto” intro.]

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

Male voice:  With the outbreak of COVID-Debranike9, otherwise known as Coronavirus, the producers of today’s of episode of “The Sands of Modesto” would like to remind viewers that the staging of certain scenes has been altered for the actor’s safety.

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

[Cut to

Debranike: Thank you, Tyrell. My face looks amazing. I think I’m ready for the benefit.

Tyrell: Well, I am the best makeup artist in Modesto. Now, let me just put on some lip gloss. [Tyrell pulls out a two meter long lip-gloss brush and put it on Debranike from far away.] Alright. There you are. You are ready now, Debranike. I’m sorry to be personal, but may I ask you a question? [pulls out a feather] Does a cuckatoo live here?

[Debranike gets emotional]

Debranike: Not anymore. Cuckatoo flew far, far away.

Tyrell: Good. That explains it. Then I’ll take my leave. Thank you very much.

[They pretend they’re shaking hands from two meters far.]

Debranike: Thank you Tyrell. [phone ringing] Oh, excuse me. It seems like I have a phone call. [Debranike sprays disinfectant on the phone and herself before answering.] Hello? My god! Really? Well, where is she now? Here? Well, it can’t be.

[doorbell ringing]

Coming. On my way.

[Debranike uses tissues to open the door.]

[Stacia walks in]

Stacia?

Stacia: Hello, mother.

Debranike: But, you were killed in that plane crash.

Stacia: That’s what I was told. But I’m alive.

Debranike: Oh! Come, let me hold your face, my darling. [Debranike holds Stacia’s face with her elbows] Look at you. Aw, I never wanna let you go.

Stacia: Don’t, mother. Don’t ever.

Debranike: How in the world did you get back?

Stacia: Well, I had the help of a friend.

[Blaise walks in. He has a white parrot on his one hand.]

Blaise: Debranike, hello.

Debranike: Blaise? Blaise Childes.

Blaise: It’s been quite a long time. You remember Charles. [showing his parrot]

Debranike: Of course. Hello, Charles. Blaise, I thought you left to become a priest.

Blaise: Yes. But I couldn’t do it. The ‘no sex’ part. Also, have you read the bible? It’s weird. The truth is, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.

Stacia: I’ll give you two a moment. Mother, one more embrace?

Debranike: Of course.

[They act like they’re hugging from two meters far.]

[Stacia walks out]

I’ll admit this is quite a surprise. How did sands of Modesto shift in such unpredictable way?

Blaise: Indeed they do. Please join me on the couch. Let’s get reacquainted. Excuse us, Charles. [Blaise puts his parrot on a table] [Debranike and Blaise sit on a couch keeping distance] See, isn’t that better?

Debranike: Oh, please. Being this close to you, it brings back so many feelings.

Blaise: Well, fight them. Remember how I used to stroke your hair?

Debranike: Well, I’ll never forget that for a second. [Blaise uses a long fake arms to stroke Debranike’s hair.] The gorgeous man’s hand. And this touch. Oh, Blaise, I can’t help it. I wanna kiss you.

[Debranike and Blaise stand]

Blaise: Well, why don’t you? Come darling. We can’t deny this any longer.

Debranike: Then kiss me. Kiss me now.

Blaise: It’s all I ever wanted to do.

[Blaise pulls out a glass slab. Debranike and Blaise kiss with the glass slab in between.]

Oh, your kisses. They taste just like I remember.

Debranike: Oh, take me. Take me, Blaise. Please. [Debranike lies down. Blaise puts a plastic on her.] Yes. Yes. Blaise. Blaise.

[Blaise gets on Debranike]

Blaise: I feel like we will melt into one.

[Victania walks in]

Victania: Debranike! What the hell are you doing?

Blaise: Victania? How did you find us?

Victania: You think if my ex husband came back into town, I wouldn’t know about it? Bitch, this is Modesto! [Victania puts sanitizer on her hands]

Debranike: So, it is. And perhaps it’s not big enough for the both of us.

Victania: You’re damn right.

[Victania acts like she slapped Debranike from far away. Debranike acts like it hit her and falls down.]

Debranike: Ah! You crazy slut.

[They wear gloves and pull barbies. Then they start hitting each other’s barbies with their owns.]

Victania: God! I’m sorry. I over reacted. I never had thought– [sneezes]

Debranike and Blaise: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[Debranike and Blaise walk out of the house.]

[Starts with “The Sands of Modesto” outro.]

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.