Trump Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Raquel… Chloe Fineman

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

President Erdogan… Fred Armisen

[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]

Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?

[Raquel bring out a funny map]

As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.

[Raquel leaves]

As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?

Audience: A witch hunt!

Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?

Audience: No collusion.

Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –

Audience: Quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.

[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]

Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.

Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.

Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!

Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.

Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.

Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.

Christine: No, thank you, sir!

[Christine leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.

Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?

Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.

Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?

Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?

Audience: Yes!

Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.

Audience: Sorry, no!

Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.

[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]

Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!

Donald Trump: You’re welcome.

Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.

[Mikey leaves]

Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!

Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?

Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.

Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.

[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.

[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]

Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!

[Aidy leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.

[Pete comes in]

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.

Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?

Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?

[Lindsay Graham comes in]

Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.

Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.

Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.

Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.

Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.

Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?

Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.

Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.

[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump] [Lindsay Graham leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!

Donald Trump:  Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.

Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!

Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.

Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!

Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!

[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]

Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.

Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?

Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.

Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?

Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.

Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.

[President Erdogan walks in]

President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha.  Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.

Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.

President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.

Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.

President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \

Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.

President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.

Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.

President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?

Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.

President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.

President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.

Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.

President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?

Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.

President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

E-Sports Reporter

Doug Miller… Mikey day

Mark Laramie… Kyle Mooney

Laszlo Holmes… Chance the Rapper

The Captain… Bowen Yang

Fan… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with League of Legends World Champions intro]

Announcer: League of Legends World Champions only on MSG.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Welcome back to MSG’s e-sports coverage of the League of Legends World Championship. Doug Miller alongside Mark Laramie. And what a tournament it has been.

Mark Laramie: Incredible. Take a look at this.

[Cut to a video clip of League of Legends game]

Moments ago, Shadow Gaming eliminated top-ranked team Echo claiming their Nexus in only 32 minutes.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Whoo! Did not see that coming. Wow! Our Regular e-sports reporter Jake Sussman is out today, taking the PSATs. Good luck, Jake. Yeah. Filling in for him is Laszlo Holmes, [Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right] who usually covers the Knicks for us here at MSG. How you feeling down there, Laz?

Laszlo Holmes: Confused. To be honest, when they asked me to cover a League of Legends tournament, I assumed it was a basketball game with NBA legends. This is not that. It is a computer game contest.

Mark Laramie: Yeah, a little different.

[Cut to Laszlo Holmes]

Laszlo Holmes: Yes. I brought a basketball to get signed and someone in the crowd asked me what this was. So, very different that the Knick’s games, but we’re having fun down here. I’m not. But the crowd is. Laszlo Holmes, live at the League of Legos.

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and Mark Laramie at the right]

Mark Laramie: Laz, walk us through the last match.

Laszlo Holmes: No thanks. I’m just playing. In a nutshell, [Cut to Laszlo Holmes] there were ten nerdy dudes sitting at computers with headsets on while 20,000 people screamed like they were watching The Beatles. I did not know this was a thing. I guess e-sports is what white and Asian kids were doing while black kids were inventing hip-hop. Nah, I’m just kidding, though. But you know how they do in e-sports. Ready, set, sit down!

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right]

Doug Miller: Now, we’ve got lots to unpack here.

Laszlo Holmes: Well, don’t let me stop you. This is Laszlo Holmes, signing off.

Laszlo Holmes: Now, hold on, Laz. I’m sure you have thoughts on team Echo’s attack strategy.

Laszlo Holmes: I do not.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Well, here’s the moment everyone is talking about. Laz, what do you make of this?

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and video clip of League of Legends game at the right]

Laszlo Holmes: Well, to me, this game looks like how a seizure feels. But I think if you know what’s happening in this clip, you need to get out of the house more. No, I’m just kidding. That’s me keeping it light. But in terms of what’s happening in this clip, I don’t know.

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and Mark Laramie at the right]

Mark Laramie: You can say that again! Echo trying to defend their Nexus with two heros on respawn! And all their CC on cooldown.

Laszlo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Doug Miller: Well, they’re taking the loss in stride. Laz, you’re going to like this. Echo’s captain Doublepump just tweeted, “Congrats Shadow Gaming. Can I borrow some XP.”

[Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right]

Laszlo Holmes: Ha-ha! That means nothing to me.

[Cut to the reporter’s set]

Mark Laramie: Laz, we’re hearing that the captain of Shadow gaming is on the floor. Maybe you can get a question in.

[Cut to Laszlo Holmes and the captain]

Laszlo Holmes: Uh, let’s do that. I’m here with – turn around for me. [The jersey says “S3X PANDA99”] Yeah, I’m not going to say that. So, homey, everybody wants to know, how you going to win that League of Legos today?

The Captain: We got some early kills, top lane evolving and the back lane. We got lucky on turrets in 5V5 seize for the beacon.

Laszlo Holmes: That’s what’s up.

[A girl comes in and hugs the captain]

Fan: Oh, I am sorry to bother you, but I love you so much! Like, you don’t understand, I’m like shaking right now!

Laszlo Holmes: From meeting him?

The Captain: Do you want to go backstage?

Fan: Oh, my god, yes! Can my friends come? They love you too!

Laszlo Holmes: What?

The Captain: Okay. Thank you.

[The Captain leaves and a group of females followed him back stage] [Cut to split screen. Laszlo Holmes at left and the news set at the right]

Doug Miller: Laz? Did we lose you?

Laszlo Holmes: No! Sorry, what I just saw was so unexpected that my brain went into a Tom Hanks in “Saving Private Ryan” mode. Laszlo Holmes coming at you live from the upside down.

Mark Laramie: Thank you, Laz! When we return, the quarter finals begin.

Doug Miller: And we’ll be one step closer to seeing which team will take home the $7 million grand prize.

Laszlo Holmes: $7 million?

Doug Miller: Stay with us.

[Ends with League of Legends World Champions outro]

Dance Rehearsal

Tony… Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

Brad… Chance the Rapper

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video clip of Dance Studio In Los Angeles building] [Cut to the dance hall]

Tony Solis: All right, good evening, dancers! Thank you very much for giving up your Halloween to rehearse. [Cut to Tony Solis] As I understand it, you guys were picked up by earth, wind, and fire themselves for their big Halloween boogie spectacular. You are the best, or at least earth ,wind and fire think so. Do you all know the ography?

[Cut to the dancers]

Dancers: Yes!

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: Well, then show it! Boogie-wonderland. Make it sizzle and stank. Go!

[Music starts playing] [Cut to everybody start dancingand Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on, give it, give!

Where’s the tank? Where’s the tank?

And the wonder? Where is the wonder?

[Cut to Tony Solis] [The full moon shows through the window]

No! The moon! I must close the drapes! The moon! The drapes! The moon and the drapes! I must close them. The drapes! Ahh! Please, release the drapes!

[Cut to the dancers]

Chloe Fineman: That was weird.

Heidi Gardner: Weird good or weird bad?

Chris Redd: I think bad.

Brad: Yeah. It kind of backs up the secret I heard.

Bown Yang: Can you tell us, Brad?

Brad: Here’s what I can say. A, it’s dark. And B, it’s about Tony Solis.

[Cut to Tony Solis walks in the door again. He has grown a lot of facial hair.]

Tony Solis: Sorry, sorry, dancers. I had to take an important phone call from Fred Fake McMadeitup.

[Cut to everybody]

Brad: Tony, are you okay?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: I’m better than okay. I’m Tony Solis. Let’s take it from the top and fill the Brim with flavor and funk. Go!

[Music starts playing] [Cut to everyone start dancing and Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on, pop the funk!

Pop the funk, ride the wind.

Feel the ‘70s. Yes!

[Cut to Tony Solis] [The full moon shows through the window]

Oh, the moon! The Venetian blinds! I must draw them shut! Oh, the moon! The Venetian. I must fight back the beast! Oh, no! Can’t let the dancers know what creature lives within me. Fight the curse Tony.

[Tony Solis leaves runs out] [Cut to the dancers]

Brad: Hey, guys, I’m curious, did any of you get a fax last night?

Heidi Gardner: Oh, you’re rich.

Chris Redd: Yeah! Brag about your fax machine more!

[Cut to Brad]

Brad: Well, I did. And it said, “Attention, dancers. Is there a full moon?” Followed by, “Forget what I just faxed. I’ll be fine.”

[Cut to everybody. Tony Solis comes back in with more facial hair.]

Tony Solis: I am sorry. I had another business call from Donny Dane McDidn’thappen.

Chris Redd: Guys, I’m beginning to think these calls aren’t real. Tony, what’s up?

[Cut to Tony Solis]

Tony Solis: Whatever do you mean? I’m totally fine—[The full moon shows through the window] Oh, the moon! The roman shades! Where is the cord? Where is the little pulley cord? Dammit, why do all of these windows have to be different dressings. Who styled the dance studio? Oh, I did! Oh, damn me. This is my studio! This is Tony Solis’ dance studio slash werewolf’s house!

[Tony Solis runs out]

Heidi Gardner: Guys, Tony Solis is a werewolf.

Brad: Wait a minute, did you hear that from me?

Chris Redd: No, the dude looks like a wolf!

Chloe Fineman: And his face is covered in fur.

Bown Yang: And he has some kind of beef with the moon.

Brad: As long as we all know that I didn’t blab.

[Cut to everybody. Tony Solis comes back in with more facial hair, fangs and wolf arms]

Tony Solis: All right. Enough with the chitchat! [Cut to Tony Solis]

Y’all are here to dance! So, let’s do it!

[Music starts playing] [Cut to everyone start dancing and Tony Solis starts singing]

Come on.

[Tony Solis walks to Chloe Fineman]

Tony Solis: And who hired you?

[Tony Solis pushes Chloe Fineman away through the wall]

Chloe Fineman: Ah!

Heidi Gardner: I’m getting out of here!

Bown Yang: He just killed Trish!

Brad: Suit yourself. I’m staying. I’m not blowing this gig.

Chris Redd: That was your wife, man!

Little Miss Teacher’s Friend

Sabrina Kirpatsky… Aidy Bryant

Principal… David Harbour

Bowen Yang

Mrs. Pallarro… Ego Nwodim

Corrine… Kate McKinnon

Dina M…Melissa Villaseñor

Brittany… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with an intro of the show]

Announcer: Live from school, it’s Little Miss Teacher’s Friend.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant on stage]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: In math she got A plus

peer mediator on the bus

it’s Little Miss Teacher’s Friend

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to the principal]

The Principal: Hello and welcome to the 29th annual Little Miss Teacher’s Friend pageant. I’m your host, the principal.

[Cut to the audience]

Bowen Yang: Woo!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: No, enough! We all have teachers, but what do teachers have? Students. And what sometimes are students? Sweet. And the sweetest student of all is the teacher’s friend. Here with us is last year’s winner. Someone I had never see in my office, Sabrina Kirpatsky.

[Sabrina Kirpatsky joins the principal]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Well said, principal. And good evening and thanks for all for being here.

The Principal: Sabrina, what makes you a good teacher’s friend?

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Well, thank you for the excellent question. I see adults as peers and children as disgusting. I’m a natural helper and a shoosh-er of boys. And most of all, I’m genuinely teacher’s actual very good friend.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: All right. And here to judge the contest is the teacher herself, Mrs. Pallarro.

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: She’s perfect, she’s special

once she put me in charge of the classroom

and I felt like I touched the stars

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro] Mrs. Pallarro: Hi, Sabrina. This whole thing is very sweet, but I want to be clear that I don’t see you as my friends. You’re my students.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Mrs. Pallarro, you are very funny.

The Principal: All right, let’s meet our hopefuls. First up, she’s 12 years younger than her siblings, it’s Corrine.

[Cut to Corrine entering the stage]

Corrine loves horses, but is scared of them. She’s taken four CPR classes just in case. And just recently she had a meeting with the nurse about washing her hair.

[Cut to Corrine, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Corrine, your question. Please tell us about your most epic tattle.

Corrine: Oh, gladly. One time on the bus, AJ drew Marge Simpson with her boobs out. And I wanted to tell teacher so bad that I opened the emergency exit and I rolled onto the street and I broke my ribs.

The Principal: Wow. So committed to tattling. Thank you, Corrine.

Corrine: Wait, can I say my wish?

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Oh, of course.

[Cut to Corrine]

Corrine: I wish my peers would behave themselves so Mrs. Pollarro wouldn’t have a headache all the time.

[Cut to Corrine, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Okay. Wow. That’s a beautifully put. Thank you, Corrine.

[Corrine leaves the stage]

The Principal: Next up it’s Dina M.

[Cut to Dina M entering the stage]

Dina gets hurt outdoors very easily. And get this, she knows a lot of saints.

[Cut to Dina, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Now, Dina, March 7th is right around the corner, which we all know is Mrs. Pallarro’s birthday. What will you buy her and why?

[Cut to Dina]

Dina M: Well, I know she likes dogs and the packers. So maybe a diamond necklace?

[Cut to Dina, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky:  Correct. That’s correct.

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Okay. This is a great time for me to remind everyone, please don’t buy me expensive gifts. It puts me in a weird spot.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Oh, teacher so modest.

The Principal: This year’s dark horse, it’s Brittany.

[Cut to Brittany entering the stage]

Brittany gets to do word searched instead of gym, because her scoliosis, her asthma and her religion. Her greatest wish is for her family to let her be a pallbearer.

[Cut to Brittany, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Brittany, your question. What do you imagine teacher doing in her house when she gets home after school?

[Cut to Brittany]

Brittany: I imaging she reads my book report out loud to her husband who I saw once. He was bald. Which is funny.

[Cut to Brittany, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: That is funny. Thank you, Brittany. [Brittany leaves the stage] Remember, the winner of Little Miss Teacher’s Friend will take home a gorgeous framed photo of Mrs. Pallarro’s wedding in Cabo.

[Cut to a framed photo of Mrs. Pallarro and her husband on a beach] [Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Oh, oh, Sabrina. Did you print that off my Instagram?

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Yes.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: Now, we’d like to take a moment to celebrate the casualties of tattling, the bad boys.

[Boys walk pass behind the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: AJ, TJ, BJ, JJ, and Mikey Martori, who I do not have a crush on. Back to you, Rupert.

The Principal: Please, call me the principal.

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Very well.

The Principal: And now, the winner. Who will it be?

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Actually there won’t be a winner, because I’m pregnant. I’ll be on maternity leave after Christmas. You’ll have a sub the rest of the year.

[Cut to Sabrina, Corrine, Dina, Brittany crying]

Everybody: No!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: Okay. Well, they’re crying. So, that’s all the time we have. I am the principal.

[Cut to the audience]

Bowen Yang: Woo!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: No! Reminding you please don’t meet your teacher in the staff parking lot. They don’t need help carrying anything. Good night.

[Ends with Little Miss Teacher’s Friend outrp]

Love Island

Grace … Cecily Strong

Bella Rosa… Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Charlie … Alex Moffat

Siobhan … Chloe Fineman

Finlay … Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Mackenzie … Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Love Island intro]

Announcer: It’s Love Island, the UK reality station that America is obsessing over. It turns out they also have 100% pure grade trash just like us. Let’s meet the Islanders. 

Grace: I’m Grace. I’m 22 in Liverpool. Yes. But if I were in the states, I’d be 41.

Bella Rosa: I’m Bella Rosa from Essex. My dad is a boxer and my mom is a pub. Just got my lips done. I asked the doctor for an allergic reaction.

Charlie: Hello, I’m Charlie. I’m from murder suicide, England. I’ve got two more years for my face to catch up to my liver.

Siobhan: I’m from part of Ireland where the soil is bones.

Finlay: Call me Finlay. I’m from Scotland but I’m also Italian. So, my father is basically the scariest guy you’ve seen in your life.

Chris: I’m just looking for a lady, like a cheap one, for the rest of my life.

Mackenzie: They call me Mackenzie. And I’m looking for the perfect guy, because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.

Announcer: Watch the hottest people from the worst towns immediately couple up with someone based on nothing.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I would like to couple up with a guy who’s exactly my type on paper. He’s got tattoos. He’s got really great banter. He’s proper fit. But at the same time, I would go with anybody. So, you.

Chris: Hi.

Bella Rosa: Oh. You’ve got great hair.

Announcer: You’ve heard an English accent. You’ve heard an Irish accent. Now, hear all the little weirdies in between.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: [In strong accent] He crackin’ on with her, and I’m like, I’m getting proper pied off.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: [In strong accent] Aye, I’m straight scunnert with the jobbies.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: That’s right, they don’t even understand each other. Tune in as they face challenges like getting up from a beanbag. [Cut to Mackenzie struggling to get up from a beanbag]

You will watch 50 hours of this. You think you won’t, but you will.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: I’m really looking forward to sleeping with all my new friends. And I might even get in the Wee cuddle.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: It was awful to watch.

Announcer: You’ll invest in vulnerable moments like when the girls take their makeup off.

[Cut to Mackenzie and Sioban]

Sioban: You know, I put so much bronzer on I think I might be dong brownface. Is this a hate crime?

Mackenzie: That’s not bad, is it? Look really different without me make up on ‘cause of the contour.

[Cut to Sioban]

Sioban: She’s a really nice girl, but I think her face might be a thong.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: At any point someone may be forced to leave the villa and turn in their giant microphone.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: This bird and I got great crack. She’s got a great personality. But mostly of all the girls here, she wore the smallest bikini. For a person I would like to couple up – Grace.

[Cut to Grace and Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I knew it, I knew it. I knew it.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: You’re my best friend in the world.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: Hopping spit in my face. I’m absolutely gutted. [phone chimes] are you joking? 10 million instagram followers. I don’t have to be a stupid prediatric nurse anymore, do I? Cha-ching.

Announcer: Love Island now available on Hulu. We got this, and “The Handmaid’s Tale”.

DNC Town Hall – SNL

Erin Burnett … Cecily Strong

Beto O’Rourke … Alex Moffat

Andrew Yang … Bowen Yang

Cory Booker … Chris Redd

Pete Buttingieg … Colin Jost

Marianne Williamson … Chloe Fineman

Senator Elizabeth Warren … Kate McKinnon

Bernie Sanders … Kyle Mooney

Joe Biden … Woody Harrelson

Kamala Harris … Maya Rudolph

Denise Reynolds … Ego Nwodim

Calvin Millett… Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with CNN Impeachment Town Hall intro]

Announcer: It’s the impeachment town hall!

[Cut to Erin Burnett in her set]

Erin Burnett: Good evening. I’m Erin Burnett. The democratic candidates have united together and decided to handle the impeachment the only way they know how, with a muddled ten-person town hall debate. First, please welcome guy who tragically misread out enthusiasm for him, Beto O’Rourke.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Hey! [Cheers and applause] Thanks for still like, having me around. This is Rad. Now, could I say a few words in eight grade Spanish?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We really don’t have time for that.

[Cut to Beto O’Rourke]

Beto O’Rourke: Oh, Lo Siento in La Biblioteca.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, he was asked to be introduced as the Asian bad boy of Tech, but I’m just going to say Andrew Yang.

[Cut to Andrew Yang] [Cheers and applause]

Andrew Yang: If you think my candidacy is going well, I’m literally giving free money to people and I’m still in sixth place.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next, New Jersey senator Cory Booker.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I’m blessed to be here.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And I should point out that we’re limiting the amount of time you can speak based on how well you’re doing in the polls. So Cory, you get five words.

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: Um. Impeach Trump now because trouble.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, Cory. Would you like to leave now to beat traffic?

[Cut to Cory Booker]

Cory Booker: I would.

[Cory Booker leaves] [Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Next ,we have the mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttingieg.

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Hi.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: It’s Buttigieg, right? Am I pronouncing that correctly?

[Cut to Pete Buttingieg]

Pete Buttingieg: Sure.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And appearing tonight live via Astral projection is Marianne Williamson.

[Cut to Marianne Williamson]

Marianne Williamson: Konnichiwa, girlfriend. Here’s how I will impeach Donald Trump. I will trap his soul inside this crystal. Which I should warn you is also a Yoni egg. So, this election vote for magic. Good morning.

[Marianne Williamson disappears] [Cheers and applause] [Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And now let’s meet the actual candidates. Senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to Senator Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Hello. [Cheers and applause] I hope you guys enjoyed hot girl summer ’cause now it’s school librarian fall. I have the energy of a mother of five boys who all play a different sport. Let’s do this.

[Cut to Erin Burnett] [Cheers and applause]

Erin Burnett: Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders] [Cheers and applause]

Bernie Sanders: Hello, everyone. I’m so excited to be back. And to ruin things a second time.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We also have the current front-runner in the polls. He went to the dentist and said “Give me the high beams.” Vice president Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden] [Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: There’s no need to worry anymore. Daddy’s here, America. I see you. I hear you. I sniff you and I hug you from behind. Now, as I ask anytime I walk into a room, where am I and what the hell is going on here?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: We’d also like to welcome California senator, Kamala Harris.

[Cut to Kamala Harris] [Cheers and applause]

Kamala Harris: Thank you. Now, Erin, that little girl you just introduced, that little girl was me.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Yes, I know, senator.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Okay. Just checking because I’m not just that little girl. I’m also America’s cool aunt. A fun aunt. I call that Funt. The kind of funt that will give you weed but then arrest you for having weed. Can I win the presidency? Probably not. I don’t know. Can I successfully seduce a much younger man? You better funting believe it.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Thank you, senator Harris. And thank you to all of our candidates. Our first question is from Denise Reynolds.

[Cut to Denise Reynolds]

Denise Reynolds: My question is for senator Harris. You said you’d go past impeachment and prosecute Trump directly. Do you still stand by that? [Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Oh, hell yeah. I’m a smooth-talking lady lawyer. I’m Rizzoli and I’m Isles. I’m a walking, talking TNT show. Don’t you want four more years of my dressing down our enemies like this? You call that human rights, China? I call it human wrongs. “Kamala”, Sundays on TNT.

Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And our next question is from Calvin Millett.

[Cut to Calvin Millett]

Calvin Millett: Yeah, my question is for senator Sanders. The democrats said they’re going forward with impeachment quickly, but do you have the patience to see that through?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Patience? Don’t talk to me about patience. It takes me 40 minutes to figure out how to turn on the TV, every single time? If I accidentally hit input, that’s a whole day. Gone. Gone. Sometimes I sit on the porch and do literally nothing for six hours. I don’t talk to people. I don’t look at stuff. I just sit so still, people gets scared and call 911. And not for the ambulance. For the Coroner.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Thank you, senator Sanders. Next question. Yes?

[Cut to Melissa Villaseñor]

Melissa Villaseñor: What if Joe Biden gets implicated in this Ukraine scandal in some way?

[Cut to Kamala Harris wearing sunglasses, drinking cocktail]

Kamala Harris: Oh, no. That would be terrible. Not Joe Biden.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Vice president Biden, do you have a response?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Do I have time for a very long story?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: You have 30 seconds.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Yes, I’m going to blow right by that. The year is 1962. I’m life guarding. No shirt. Tan chest. Medium nips. Oh, and I should point out that it was a segregated pool, just to put everyone on the edge for the rest of the story. So, I’m lifeguarding and who walks in but corn pop?

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: I’m sorry, corn pop?

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: So I see corn pop, and he’s carrying a switchblade next to a kid named drumstick wearing brass knuckles. Again, I’m not going to say the races of the kids, but from the nicknames and the types of weapons you should be able to fill in the blanks.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Mr. Vice President—

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Okay, sorry, anyway, long story short –Barack.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Hey. Remember when everyone thought I was going to be the one who seemed out of touch? This guy makes me look like Drake.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Mr. Vice president, I need to say something to you. That corn pop in your story was me. That little corn pop was me. “Corn Pop.” Tuesdays at 10:00 on USA.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: All right. Let’s just go to closing statements. But just from the four candidates who actually have a shot at this thing. Senator Warren, we’ll start with you.

[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]

Elizabeth Warren: Look. Hey, look. America, I’m fun. I’m like a Brisk walk. I know all the big donors are turning against me. But I’m focused on the small donors. $3 from Andrew at the circle K. 53 cents from a third-grader in Illinois. $800 from an immigrant and stay-at-home mom named Melania. She fighting.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Okay. Now, we’re going to vice president Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Look. I’m like plastic straws. I’ve been around forever. I’ve always worked. But now you’re mad at me? Drink up, America. In closing I’d just like to say one more time, Barack.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Sanders, closing statement?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: America. Here is my promise to you. Free college. Free health care. Free refills on any medium size soft drink. Last time my slogan was “Feel the Bern”. This time it’s “Let’s Bern this place to the ground!”

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: Senator Harris, your closing statement, please.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: This Funt would like to take this opportunity to speak directly to president Trump. Mr. Trump, no one is above the law. “Above the Law”. Thursdays on NBS. Gonk Gonk.

[Cut to Erin Burnett]

Erin Burnett: And those are our choices, America. Good luck.

[Ends with CNN Impeachment Town Hall outro]