Tag: Chloe Fineman

The Christmas Conversation

Lauren Holt

Lauren’s mom… Heidi Garner

Ego Nwodim

Ego’s mom… Punkie Johnson

Marie… Chloe Fineman

Marie’s mom… Kate McKinnon

Marie’s dad… Jason Bateman

[Starts with Lauren video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Lauren’s mom: Hi, honey. I miss you so much.

Lauren: Hi, mom. I miss you too.

[Cut to Ego video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Ego’s mom: Oh, hey, baby. You called me just in time. I’m just in here making gumbo. I bet you miss my cooking now, don’t you?

Ego: You know I do, mama.

[Cut to Marie video calling her mom. Her mom answers the call.]

Marie: Hey, mom.

Marie’s mom: Hi, wait. I look terrible right now. Do we have to screentime?

Marie: Mom. You look fine.

Marie’s mom: Okay.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I was calling because I just wanted to let you know–

Ego: Mama, I don’t want you to get upset

Lauren, Ego and Marie: I won’t be able to come home for Christmas this year.

[Cut to “The Christmas Conversation” video bumper.]

Lauren’s mom: Oh, honey. You do not need to come home for Christmas, okay? I just want you to be safe.

Lauren: Really? Thanks, mom.

Lauren’s mom: Yeah. And I guess since you won’t be coming, I’ll just throw your stocking in the fire.

Lauren: Mom!

Ego: I just don’t think it’s safe.

Ego’s mom: Okay. Let’s talk about this later.

Ego: When?

Ego’s mom: When you’ve changed your damn mind.

Marie: I just don’t think it makes sense for me to travel right now.

Marie’s mom: If you don’t love me, Marie, just say so.

Marie: Oh my god! Mom!

Marie’s mom: I didn’t raise a coward.

Lauren’s mom: I totally agree about Christmas. But I do need you to come home tonight. There has been an emergency. Because I actually put all your old stuff in bags and I’ll need you to tell me what to donate. What about your first christening dress? is to keep or?

[Now, Maries dad is also with her mom.]

Marie’s dad: You know, your mother really misses you.

Marie: I know dad.

Marie’s dad: Are you not getting mad?

Marie: I know.

Marie’s dad: Is your heart not working, baby? This is your mother here.

Marie: I can tell.

Lauren’s mom: Oh my god! Look at that. Your first track meet. Remember how fast you were? How fast you were when you ran away from me half way across the country to Chicago? Should I get rid of it? Great!

Ego’s mom: We’re being safe. We’ve even quarantined in different rooms.

Ego: What? Why?

Ego’s mom: For safety.

[Ego’s dad joins the video call]

Ego’s dad: Hi, sweetie.

Ego’s mom: Your daughter has decided not to come home for Christmas this year.

Ego’s dad: [smiling] Oh, that’s okay. We’re gonna miss you, pumpkin.

Ego’s mom: No, it’s not okay, Ray.

Ego’s dad: [suddenly agreeing with his wife] No, it’s not okay and you need to come home.

Marie’s mom: Fine, we will fly to you.

Marie: Mom! No!

Marie’s mom: Why? It’s fine. I will quarantine in the plane bathroom.

Marie’s dad: Great fix darling. And daddy wears racket ball goggles to keep the virus out of my eyes. How about that?

Marie: That’s not how it works!

Marie’s mom: What if I died in a plane crash?

Marie’s dad: That’s a great point.

Marie’s mom: And that was the last thing you said to me?

Marie’s dad: Think about your dead mother.

Marie: That can’t happen if you don’t fly on a plane!

Lauren’s mom: [lying on the ground] Oh my god! The worst has happened. I’ve had a fall.

Lauren: Mom! I know you didn’t fall. You laid down very gingerly. I saw the whole thing.

Ego’s mom: Ray, aren’t you going to say anything?

Ego’s dad: We love you unconditionally.

Ego’s mom: No. Not that.

Ego’s dad: We love you conditionally? Just tell me what you want me to say. I’ll say it.

Marie’s dad: Are you seeing what you’ve done here. [her mom is facing away crying] I hope you’re proud of yourself.

Marie: You guys are insane.

Marie’s mom: I never visited my own mother enough. I guess this is my punishment.

Ego’s mom: Who you want to see that you can’t come home? Hah? I know you ain’t got no man.

Ego: Oh my god! Mom!

Marie’s dad: Your mother and I are being super, super safe.

[doorbell ringing]

Marie’s mom: Oh, that’s probably Bob. Excuse me. [goes to answer the door]

Marie: Who is Bob?

Marie’s dad: Oh, Bob is Sophie’s front line worker husband.

Marie’s mom: Bob! Come in.

Marie’s dad: Get in here.

Marie’s mom: Guys, masks off. We’re cool.

Marie: Please get these people out of your home.

Lauren’s mom: I guess that’s why I don’t get to have a family for Christmas.

Ego’s mom: I didn’t realize how much I like being by myself.

Ego: Calm down!

[Lauren’s mom is just screaming]

Lauren: What’s happening?

Marie’s dad: Honey, listen. We are going to miss you but we’re always gonna love you. Right here.

Marie: I love you too.

Ego’s mom: We still love you, baby.

Ego’s dad: We love you.

Lauren’s mom: I miss you, but I love you.

Lauren: I love you too, mom.

Marie’s mom: But I’d love you more if you came home. I don’t know, who’s to say? I’m kidding. I love you.

Stu

Santa… Jason Bateman

Elves… Chloe Fineman, Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

Stu… Pete Davidson

Dido… Kate McKinnon

Elton John… Bowen Yang

[Starts with elves reading letters from children to Santa]

Elf: But the thing i want more than anything in the whole world is a new bike. Love, chase.

Santa: Ho ho ho! What a good boy! Let’s give him that bike and a helmet!

Elf: Good thinking, Santa!

Elf: Oh, and here’s one from Emily. “Dear Santa, this year I want a Disney princess mirror!”

Shanta: That’s exactly what she’ll get, huh? Who’s next? Rupert?

Elf: Um…

Santa: Rupert, what is it?

Elf: It’s just, heh, mine’s a little weird.

Santa: I’m sure it’s not that weird. just read it!

Elf: Um, okay. But it starts normal enough. Dear Santa…

[Cut to underground where 1 is writing a letter. It’s a copy of music video of “Stan” bye Eminem ft. Dido.]

[“Stan” instrumental playing]

Stu: [rapping] Dear Santa, I can’t believe the year is almost over
It’s getting colder, I’m a year older, but I’m still your soldier
You’re my hero because you always bring me the assist
So once again we’re back to zero, here we go, my Christmas list
I won’t be greedy or needy or ask you for too much
Just want one thing, and I hope you still got that magic touch
’cause gettin’ this present is the only thing keeping me alive
Dear Santa Claus, please bring me a PS5
I tried to buy one at Walmart, ran around the mall like Paul Blart
Tried to buy one on sale, but the thing was, they’re all out
Yo, I even went to a game stop, but then I went “Oh, wait, stop!
Santa Claus can make one, he’s got his own workshop.”
I know you prob’ly hear this every day, but you got a cool hat
I love that movie you did with Will Ferrell, man, elf was phat
Anyways, I love the things you do
Don’t forget, bring me gift, truly i believe in you
This is Stu

[Cut to an elf dropping Stu’s letter on the floor while delivering them to Santa]

Dear Santa, I notice you never wrote me a letter back
That’s fine, dawg, but really, I think that’s kinda wack
If you can’t help your biggest fan, then you should just retire
Or next time you slide down my chimney, I’ll set your ass on fire
Just playin’, I still love you, don’t think that I’m obsessed
I even got a tattoo of your name across my chest
Just bring that PS5, bro, if it’s the only thing you do
Sincerely, Stu. p.s. we should live together. cue dido

[Cut to Dido sleeping on a mattress holding a PS5]

Dido: [singing] Stu is waiting for his surprise
To open up a PS5
He just really wants to play
Assassin’s creed on Christmas day
But he can’t buy it himself because he lost his job
He was stealing from his boss
I’d be worried ’cause he’s a scary guy
A scary guy

[Cut to Stu driving a car in a raining night. He’s recording his message while driving.]

Stu: Dear mister holly jolly two-faced son of a bitch
I hope you crash your sleigh and wind up face-down in a ditch
I guess even the great saint Nick can’t track down a PS5
Hey Santa, I drank a fifth of eggnog, dare me to drive
You ruined Christmas, I wish I never told you what was on my wishlist
Screw you, your elves, your stupid beard, and your bitch tits
So this’ll be my last letter, i know you’ll miss me when I’m gone
Sincerely yours, Stu. ladies and gentlemen, sir Elton John

[Cut to Elton John singing while playing piano]

Elton John: [singing]This year Christmas will be bad
’cause Santa sucks and Stu is sad
Already asked you really nicely
And now he’s really pissed off
I’m just telling you ’cause I like you a lot
I’m a big fan of Santa
And I also want a PS5
A PS5

[Cut to Santa and elves talking]

Elf: Santa, this is serious!

Elf: Don’t panic, don’t panic!

Elf: I’m freaking out! Aaaah!

Santa: All right, all right! I think it’s time I write a letter back to Stu.

[rapping] Dear Stu, I think you got the wrong address, bro.
I’m not Santa Claus. Bye Bye!”

Elf: Damn!

[Cut to a TV screen It shows Eminem reading a letter from Santa]

Eminem: What’s this? “To shady, from Santa.” That’s crazy, a PS5? I didn’t even ask for this. Shady must have been a good boy this year. Sorry, Stu. You f—– up

Sleepover 2

Father… Jason Bateman

Jean… Heidi Gardner

Angel… Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Megan… Kate McKinnon

Stacey… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a father interrupting girls’ sleepover]

Father: Hey, hey, hey, girls. I’m sorry to interrupt. Lame ass dad is interrupting the sleepover. I’m just kidding. It’s me and I’m sorry that I cursed. Okay. Now, I wanted to talk to you girls please.

Jean: Is everything okay, dad?

Father: Absolutely. I don’t want to make anybody feel bad but something has happened upstairs. It’s a little bit embarrassing to talk about as a dad but it is totally natural. So, we’ll just– we’re gonna talk it out.

Girls: Okay.

Father: Alright. It looks as if someone has left a… um… a… a… a menstrual period stain on one of the couch cushions. It’s sort of big.

Jean: Oh, no! Will it come out?

Father: Well, whoever did it tried to put the whole cushion in the washing machine .

Angel: Did that break it?

Father: It sure did break it, angel. It broke it real bad. It overflowed and I think that the person panicked and tried to hide all the suds in your backpacks. Then they put the cushion in the dryer which really baked it in.

Ego: Oh, no.

Father: Yes. Yeah. Then they found some scissors. They cut a hole on the cushion which made the feathers from inside sort of explode all over the place. Jean, where’s Megan?

Jean: Um.. I don’t know. She went upstairs like, a long time ago.

Father: Yeah. Okay.

[Megan walks down. Her hair is messy and all the pillow feathers are on her.]

Megan: Hey, what’s up?

Father: There she is. Hello, Megan. Can you please join us here on the couch? We’re just having a little chat because well, somebody had their period on a cushion and put a real big part of the couch in the wash.

Megan: [trying to act shocked] Whoa! You kidding me?

Father: Yeah. No, I’m not kidding at all.

Megan: [looking at the girls] Man, one of you has got a lot of explaining to do. Alright, I’m gonna head out. Happy birthday.

Father: No, no, no. I’d love you to stick around. We’re just talking with your gal pals here trying to do a little figuring out of a mystery and we’re just trying to figure out what happened.

Megan: Yeah, I think we should. There is a sicko among us. But it’s definitely not me because I wear monster tamps. I just like the way it feels. Big tamp in there. You know? Just take the applicator, put it in and then you poop it up.

Father: Well, I’d sure love less details.

Megan: Also, sir, I do wear a big leather underwear. Motorcycle style. I’m kink for sure.

Father: Even less would be dynamite.

Megan: [whispering on Father’s ear] Honestly, it was probably Stacey. She rides horses. Probably stretched herself out. The gate is open, if you know what I mean.

Stacey: Oh, man. Don’t talk about my gate.

Father: Okay, listen. I’m going to keep going with what happened. They took one of the pillows from our bed and brought that to replace the couch cushion but I guess they went ahead and they bled on that too.

Megan: Honestly, depraved.

Father: Then they sat on the floor, so there’s a part of the carpet that has been cut out now.

Megan: That’s just quick thinking.

Stacey: That’s a lot of stains.

Megan: Look, whoever did it, just come forward. Okay? We all get the same period, you guys. Jaundice, eight day vomit, homicidal ideations, speaking in tongues.

Ego: I don’t know that we share that.

Megan: We were all put on the pill and our bodies all fought it off. We all got an IUD and it rusted and passed.

Father: Girls, that’s enough. Here is the deal. The house is a rental. I’m gonna need to get my deposit back. So, unless I can give them some answers–

Megan: Come on, you guys. It is not a big deal. Just tell the hot dad that you kill billed his living room.

Father: Megan, I’d sure love to talk to you over here. Can we have a little side bar?

Megan: Ay, ay, captain.

Father: Okay. I want to give you a chance away from everyone else. Is there anything that you want to tell me?

Megan: I would like to make love to both you and your wife.

Father: Is there anything else that you would like to say?

Megan: You see, right now, it’s Megan0-Megan0 whether I will grow up to be gay. I propose we settle the question tonight with a game of spin the bottle. You, me, your wife.

Father: Okay. Never mind. I give up.

Angel: Wait. I have to confess something. I got a stain on a cushion and I put it in the washing machine. I’m sorry.

Stacey: Wait. I also got a stain on a cushion and put it in the washing machine.

Ego: Actually, so did I.

Jean: And I got a stain on a cushion, a sleeping bag, my training bra and the cockatiel. And I put them all on the washing machine.

Father: Girls. Thank you. I really appreciate your honesty. Megan, is there anything honest you would like to say to me?

Megan: No, there is not.

Father: Okie dokie. Please get back to your sleepover. Enjoy yourself. I’m sure everything is just going to be okay.

Girls: Thanks.

Michigan Hearings Cold Open

Rep. Matt Hall… Mikey Day

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson… Ego Nwodim

Rudy Guliani… Kate McKinnon

Ms. Ellis… Lauren Holt

Melissa Malone… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mike Lindell… Beck Bennett

Fred… Alex Moffat

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

[Starts with C-SPAN schedule]

Male voice: You’re watching C-SPAN which is honestly surprising. Up next: The Michigan state senate hears special testimony regarding allegations of fraud in the Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson0Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson0 presidential election.

[Cut to the representatives in the court]

[cheers and applause]

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. I hereby call this hearing of the senate oversight committee to order. It is my honor and also one of the great horrors of my life to welcome president Trump’s personal attorney Ruby Giuliani.

Rudy Guliani: Thank you, your honor. It’s great to be in a court room where I’m not the defendant.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: This isn’t a courtroom.

Rudy Guliani: Honestly, I’m just happy to be indoors. Now, as my associate Ms. Ellis will prove today, this election was stolen from the American people with a level of trickery not seen since Houdini. [farts] That wasn’t me. That was you guys. But President Trump and I are going to overturn these illegal votes first in Michigan, then in Gerogillvania, and then Pennsichhutes and then North Dekanadan.

Rep. Matt Hall: But isn’t it true that all your lawsuits have been rejected because they’re based on zero actual evidence?

Rudy Guliani: You want evidence? Okay. Well, today I have brought before you a dozen highly intelligent, barely intoxicated individuals who are all eyewitnesses. After hearing their testimony, you’re going to say, “Wow. Rudy was right and he’s getting smarter and more respected everyday.” [farts] [pointing at Ms. Ellis] That was her.

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Giuliani– [he can smell the fart] Oh, god! It’s hitting us up here now. You may call your first witness.

Rudy Guliani: Alright. I would like to present someone who worked directly with dominion voting systems, Miss Melissa Malone.

[Melissa Malone walks in]

Melissa Malone: Thank you. I swear to tell my whole story and nothing about my stories. So, help me god.

Rep. Matt Hall: Please tell us what exactly you witnessed with the dominion machines.

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. Maybe try losing that attitude first just like you lost all those Trump ballots.

Rep. Matt Hall: I don’t handle ballots.

Melissa Malone: Yes, exactly. So, you wouldn’t know, would you?

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Please just talk.

Melissa Malone: You’re going to regret saying that because I personally saw hundreds, if not, thousands of dead people vote.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: You saw them?

Melissa Malone: Yes. Basically yes. I remember because I was walking on and they were walking in. Then they gave their votes to democrats. Then you probably did something crazy with them, didn’t you?

Rep. Matt Hall: I don’t handle ballots and I am a republican.

Melissa Malone: Then you’re literally useless. You have no use. Did you check every poll? Did you talk to all the dead people?

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: We’re state senators.

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. I have been threatened. My kids have been threatened. My kids have threatened me and I’ve threatened them right back.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry, but this testimony is full of lies.

Melissa Malone: I’m not lying. I signed it after David.

Rep. Matt Hall: In after David?

Melissa Malone: Yes. That’s correct. David signed and then I signed right after David.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Okay, Ms. Malone.

Melissa Malone: Hah? You’re just lucky I need another drink.

[Melissa Malone leaves]

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Giuliani. You may call your next witness.

Rudy Guliani: Oh, yes. My next witness needs no introduction or at least I hope she doesn’t because I lost the paper with all her information on it. Honey, you want to come in here?Come on.

[Heidi walks in. She looks drunk.]

Heidi: Good evening, your honor.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m not a judge and it’s 11 AM. Why exactly are you here today?

Heidi: Well, your honor, I’m not proud of this but I need to come forward anyhow. You see, I ate ballots.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry. You ate ballots?

Heidi: That’s right. I didn’t mean to. But the democrats pulled up a food truck and said it’s lunchtime. They opened the truck and it was full. Full of ballot sandwiches, ballot pizzas, ballot steaks and ballot spaghettis.

Rep. Matt Hall: What is a ballot spaghetti?

Heidi: It’s a ballot, then I talk like this.

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. Thank you. Can we have the next witness please?

[There’s Mike Lindell holding a pillow]

Mike Lindell: I will provide witness. Hi, I’m Mike Lindell, inventor of My Pillow. Do you know a demo rat can hide over a million fake ballots a My Pillow and still get a great night sleep, refreshed and ready to steal election? Thanks to My Pillow.

Rep. Matt Hall: Mr. Lindell, is this a commercial for My Pillow?

Mike Lindell: I would like it to be. Yes.

Rep. Matt Hall: Okay. Let’s keep this moving please.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Are we just gonna let any random person come in here start talking?

[Melissa Malone walks in]

Melissa Malone: Excuse me. We are all here under oath. If you want to talk about random, I voted for Trump, yet Biden won? Hmm. Maybe a little too random. You aren’t even going to admit that dominion cheated.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: How exactly did dominion cheat?

Melissa Malone: Well, for starters, they cheated me out of my cheesy bread.

Rep. Matt Hall: I think you’re confusing dominion with Domino’s.

Melissa Malone: Either way, my vote took longer than Rudy Guliani0 minutes, so it’s supposed to be free.

Rudy Guliani: [whispering to Melissa Malone] Maybe you want to pull it back a little. I’m worried you’re making us look foolish. [farts] Safety.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Mr. Giuliani, your next witness?

Rudy Guliani: Okay. My next witness is extraordinary and I mean that in a mean way. Fred, go nuts. Come on.

[Fred walks in]

Fred: Thanks. Thank you. [Fred looks very angry] What had happened was I was sitting in my backyard when all of a sudden a silver ship hovered above me and a warm light beamed aboard the space craft.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m sorry, this is an alien abduction story?

Fred: Please sir, let me finish. Yes, it was aliens, but the shocking part was this. I saw them clearly filling out absentee ballots all of them for Biden!

Rep. Matt Hall: And when exactly did this happen?

Fred: About seven years ago.

Rep. Matt Hall: Alright. Mr. Giuliani, do you have any witnesses that have testimony based in reality?

Rudy Guliani: Yes, I do. The defense calls Nicole Kidman’s character from the Undoing.

[Nicole Kidman walks in]

Nicole Kidman: Your honor, my husband Hugh Grant is innocent. There’s no way he could have been that murderer. He’s too hot and white.

Rep. Matt Hall: I’m sorry. Where is your accent supposed to be from?

Nicole Kidman: It’s from the Upper East side of Australia. Crikey, it’s Zabar’s!

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: I’m sorry but do we have to keep listening to these people?

Melissa Malone: Yes, exactly. [now she has a glass of martini in her hand] Because we need to listen to our heart’s and our mimes. Even though it’s fraudulent erection, it can still get you pregnant.

Rudy Guliani: Hey, this chick is really on to something.

Rep. Matt Hall: Could everyone please stop drinking during the hearing?

[now Rudy Guliani also has a glass of whiskey in his hand]

Rudy Guliani: I would love to but if I don’t drink a scotch every 15 minutes, I explode.

Melissa Malone: And this is not drinking. It’s actually the covid vaccine. I’m taking it first because I’m at risk. I got two big old comorbidity titties.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Okay. We’re gonna call this hearing to a close.

[Kyle and Pete walk in]

Kyle: No. This will not stand. We will do the whole thing over again.

Pete: That’s right. If we get one more shot, we can get it right this time.

Rep. Matt Hall: You think we should just re-do the entire election?

Kyle: Oh… No. We’re talking about kidnapping the governor!

Pete: Yeah. If we have one more shot, we can get her to my basement for sure.

Rep. Matt Hall: And out of curiosity, then what?

Kyle: We… yell at her.

Pete: Yeah! Let them all get back to work!

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: And what are your current jobs?

Kyle: I repair things that I’ve broken.

Pete: And I’m curious about fossils.

Rep. Matt Hall: You are both dismissed. Mr. Giuliani, I have to ask, is any of this really appropriate?

[Rudy Guliani has his hands inside his pants.]

Rudy Guliani: Sorry, what? Oh, I blacked out for a second.

Rep. Cynthia A. Johnson: Jesus, man. Just wrap it up.

Rudy Guliani: In conclusionI would say the defense rests but we will never rest. Not until this election is overturned or I get a full part and $10 million in cash. If you like what you saw here today, we’re having a press conference right after this at the Ritz-Carlton…. plumbing and heating supply company right off 594 between a dirty movie theater and crematorium. Pets are not only allowed, they’re required.

Rep. Matt Hall: Thank you, Mr. Giuliani.

Rudy Guliani: No. Thank you.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Biden Victory Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

John King… Alex Moffat

Joe Biden… Jim Carey

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Tump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with CNN Election Night intro]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer at his set]

Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to what has become election week in America. I’m Wolf Blitzer and I have been awake so long that my weird beard finally makes sense. I’m joined by John King who has been operating our touch screen for the past 85 hours.

[Cut to John King]

How are you John?

John King: Oh, I’m great, Wolf. Thanks. My fingers are knobs, but I think that’s normal. [John King shows his fingers. He has no fingers.]

Wolf Blitzer: And for the folks at home who’ve been obsessively watching cable news all week. We’ve been teasing a big announcement and today it’s finally here. CNN can now project that Joe Biden will be the next president president of the Unites States. [cheers and applause] I know I’m supposed to be a neutral news anchor but god dammit that feels good. Whoo!

[Wolf Blitzer and John King do high-five.]

We go now live to president elect Biden who is taking the stage in Wilmington, Delaware.

[Cut to Joe Biden walking to the stage.]

[cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, America. We did it. Can you believe it? I honestly kind of can’t. It’s been so long since something good happened. Sure it took forever. We kept edging close and closer. It was like having sex with Sting. What a release, man! I’ve never felt so alive. Which is ironic because I’m not that alive. And look, as I’ve said many times, I don’t care whether you voted for me or not. I’m going to be president for all Americans. That’s right. Whether you’re from a liberal state like California, or a conservative state like Oklahoma, or a cracked out hot mess like Florida, I will be your president. And I will have an incredible VP at my side. Senator Kamala Harris.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

[cheers and applause]

I said it right?

Kamala Harris: Yes. You got it, Joe. Thank you, everybody. Like Joe, I am humbled and honored to be the first female– [cheers and applause] Yes, the first female, the first black, [cheers and applause] the first Indian-American, [cheers and applause] and the first bi-racial vice president. And if any of that terrifies you, well I don’t give a font. Also, my husband will be the first second gentleman, and he’s Jewish. So, between us, we checked more boxes than a disqualified ballot. And to all the little black and brown girls watching right now, I just want to say this. The reason your mom is laughing so much tonight is because she’s drunk. And the reason she’s crying is because she’s drunk. Your mom is going to switch from laughing to crying to dancing pretty much all night. And it’s not because she’s crazy, it’s coz she’s drunk.
Joe Biden: Tonight, we’re not going to stand here and gloat.

Kamala Harris: Well, maybe–

Joe Biden: We’re not rubbing our victory in everybody’s face.

Kamala Harris: But like, just a tiny bit?

Joe Biden: We’re humbly accepting this victory.

Kamala Harris: Exactly, and I’m just going to play a quick song on my phone.

[Kamala Harris plays a song that says “You about to lose Donald Trump”. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris start dancing.]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright. Hold that dance for just a moment because people don’t just want to see Biden and Kamala happy, they also want to see Trump sad. So, let’s check in on the president’s concession speech which I’m sure will be gracious and factual.

[Cut to Donald Tump in the White House]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Tump: Good evening. Thank you. Thank you for coming to watch my victory speech tonight. As anyone who died halfway through Tuesday knows, I was reelected president of the United States. But of course they’re trying to steal the election away from me. Come on, let’s hear it. Stop the count! Stop the count!

[Kellyanne Conway walks in and whispers on Donald Tump’s ear]

What’s that? I’m behind? Okay, then count all the votes! Count all the votes! Every last votes! But we all know this election was rigged. Just look at the map. There was no blue wave. It was a red wave across the whole country.

[Kellyanne Conway pulls in a map. The whole USA map is marked red but it’s for the covid-Wolf Blitzer9 cases.]

Show them the map, Kelly. See? So much red. So much red.

Kellyanne Conway: Oops! Sorry, this is the covid map.

Donald Tump: Okay, the map’s not important, okay? Put the map away! No one wants to see the map. Thank you, Kelly. The fact is I was winning on Tuesday. Then they started whittling it away my votes, whittling them down until there was only a wittle bit weft. But I vow to all my supporters, I will fight this thing to the bitter end. I will never give up and neither should you.

[Donald Tump walks towards a piano]

Hey. Let me remind all of you who I really am.

[music playing]

[singing] Ae, ae, macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man
macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man

And this isn’t goodbye, America. I’m just going to say, see you in court!

[Cut to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Well, unlike President Trump, we do accept the results of this election.

Joe Biden: We’re not mad at them. We have to act graciously at victory though. We need to go forward together. Unfortunately, there are situations in life and this is one of them. Well, there must be a winner and … [mocking] llllllloser! lllooo… ser!!

Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and Donald Tump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Another Uncle Meme

Mr. Brenner… John Mulaney

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

[Starts with an office meeting]

Mr. Brenner: Alright, good meeting, gang. Before we go, does anyone have anything else the’d like to share? Maybe our newest intern, my nephew, Tyler.

Tyler: Nope. Nope. I’m good.

Mr. Brenner: Oh. Okay. Well, why don’t you not play dumb ass with me? See, my nephew Tyler here memed me again. And you all know it. He turned me into a meme. And I’ll be honest, I’m pissed again.

Chloe: I’m sure this is all a misunderstanding.

Mr. Brenner: Exhibit A. My perfectly dating handsome profile picture. [showing his picture on the screen] It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just a normal adult man looking for a smart and funny adult woman. And what do I see posted by my sweet nephew in the company Slack? This. “Swipe right if you want bad sex.” You think this is funny? Look at me. You think this is funny? Women might see that and think it’s true and it’s not. I get great reviews. Thank you very much.

Chloe: I am so sorry, Mr. Brenner. I assure you no one thought this was funny.

Mr. Brenner: Oh, really? Because you all seemed to really love this one. “When you in a sex cult but you still a virgin.” Hey, listen up, peanut gallery, if I was in a sex cult and not having sex, I would leave. Trust me.

[Chris and Tyler do the fistbump

Chris: Got his ass.

Mr. Brenner: Hey, look at me, you dunts. Everything about this, when you do this, it sucks for me. Look what popular meme account ‘purple drink possi’ posted. “Hello darling, you may whack me in the penis with a golf club.” Now, I don’t know why that’s in quotes. It’s definitely not something I’ve said. But look, this was tweeted out by actor and New York legend Michael Rapaport. “When she come over and she say, ‘Hi, my name is Chris Hansen’.” What an outrageous accusation? First off, the fellas go to the little kid’s house on that show, not vice-versa. And why would she be saying, “My name is–”

Chloe: We don’t have to get into logistics.

Tyler: Look, I’m really sorry, Uncle Ron. I’m getting paid to make memes now and I need to practice. It’s helping with my tuition.

Mr. Brenner: Oh, is this going to help you get through college, you Limp Bizkit? How about this one? “That feeling withn the priest put his fingers in your mouth during communion.” Look, what an awful image. I hate that. I hate it. Next.

Chris: Okay, that’s creative.

Mr. Brenner: It’s not creative. It’s not creative. You know what it is? Liable. But hey, I guess that’s what I get for thinking love was possible for a guy my age. I just wanted to find romance again. Is that such a crime?

Mr. Brenner: Then why does your profile say, “Only interested in 18-24 year olds?”

Chris: Say what?

Chloe: Excuse me?

Tyler: Oh, it does? That’s probably one of those default settings that–

Mr. Brenner: No. You wrote it out in text. “I mean it. If you 25+, don’t waste my time.” And why you tell them the website that you’re on, uncle Ron?

Tyler: Tinder.

Mr. Brenner: No. Chicksinprison.com. Sugar daddies looking for inmates.

Chloe: I’m sorry. What?

Tyler: Okay. Please, in my defense, they’re much easy to control that way.

All: Mr. Brenner?

Chris: Oh, my god!

The Bachelor

Ben K … Beck Bennett

Hannah C. … Heidi Gardner

Hannah Alexis C. … Chloe Fineman

Adele

Lauren Holt

[Starts with ‘The Bachelor’ intro]

Male voice: Tonight on abc, it’s a special bonus season of ‘The Bachelor’. And this time he’s 5’11″… and a half!

[Cut to Ben K]

Ben K: Hey, there. I’m Ben K. When I was in high school, I threw a shopping card at a gay kid’s head. But now I’m here ready to final up. And there’s so many incredible girls to choose from.

[Cut to introduction of the ladies]

Hannah C.: Hi. I’m Hannah C. I’m 20. And I have the oldest face for young person you’ll ever see.

Hannah Alexis C.: Hey, I’m Hannah Alexis C. I’m 21 and next year, I’ll be 22.

Adele: Hi, I’m Adele Adkins. I’m 32. You may know me for being the singer Adele. I’m here coz I’ve had a lot of heart break in my life. First at 19 and then sort of famously at 21 and then even more famously at 25. But I have a relly good feeling about Ben K. It’s only night one, yes. But I can already tell he’s going to be the next love of my life.

[Cut to the show where Ben K is talking to the girls.]

Ben K: Hey, girls. I just want to say this has been such a great night. I really enjoyed laughing with each and everyone of you. Even though none of us ever said a joke once. [all girls laughing] And this was a hard decision but I’ve decided to give the first impression to Hannah C.

Adele: Wait, what? You’re giving it to Hannah C.?

[music starts playing. The lights dim and the focus light is on Adele. She stands and walks up front to sing.]

[singing] I heard that you’re settled down
that you found a girl and you’re married now

Ben K: Adele?

Adele: I hear that your dreams came true.

Ben K: Adele! Adele! [music stops] Hey, sorry. I am not married to Hannah C. It was just the one rose. You’re still in this.

Adele: I am?

Hannah C.: Yes, girl. There’s like, 40 episodes left. So, I’d pace yourself emotionally. Coz we’ve been here for 10 minutes and you’ve already sung that a few times.

Adele: Oh god. Sorry about that. Sorry.

[Cut to Ben K]

Ben K: Yeah, I’d say out of all the girls in the house so far, I probably have the most in common with Hannah C and the least in common with pop superstar Adele. But our relationship is the one that’s moving the fastest mainly because Adele is making you do that.

[Cut to Ben K and Adele in the park]

Ben K: Adele, you look so nice tonight.

Adele: Thank you. You look pretty amazing too. In fact I’d guess I’d sort of say …

[music starts playing]

Ben K: Oh, we’re singing again.

Adele: [singing] You look like a movie, you sound like a song
my god this reminds me, of when we were young
Let me photograph you in this light

Ben K: Adele! Adele! Adele! [music stops] Can we just talk? This is really more of a talking show.

Adele: Oh, I keep forgetting about that. Sorry.

[Cut to Hannah Alexis C. at the back stage]

Hannah Alexis C.: You know, I absolutely love being on ‘The Bachelor’ but it has been sort of hard to get alone time with Ben with so many other girls in the house. Including Adele. Specially Adele. The problem is Adele.

[Cut to Ben K and Hannah Alexis C. in the park]

Hannah Alexis C.: It’s so nice to finally have some alone time with you.

Ben K: I know. So, why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself?

[As Hannah Alexis C. is going to answer, music starts playing. This annoys both Ben K and Hannah Alexis C.]

Hannah Alexis C.: Oh, my god!

Adele: [singing] Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet

Hannah Alexis C.: Okay, Adele! [music stops] No, okay? It has not been years since you’ve seen Ben. You’ve been singing to him all night.

Adele: Oh my god. I know. You’re so right, Hanna. I’m being a right prick yet again. I will leave you two alone. Good bye.

[Adele leaves]

Hannah Alexis C.: [sigh] This is so much better.

Ben K: Yes. So much better.

Hannah Alexis C.: Though, I do feel kind of weird that I yelled at the actual Adele to go away.

Ben K: I wouldn’t worry about it.

Hannah Alexis C.: Why?

Ben K: Because she’s back. I can see her in the bushes right behind us.

[Cut to Adele hiding behind the bushes]

[music starts playing]

Adele: [singing] Hello from inside this bush

Hannah Alexis C.: [annoyed] I am going back into the mansion.

[Cut to Adele]

Adele: So, I think night one’s been an absolute smash, but I’m starting to get the feeling that I might be coming on a bit strong. I think Ben K sort of likes that more laid back American vibe. So, for the rest o the night, I’ve decided that I’m going to play it really, really chill and cool.

[Cut to Ben K and Adele talking at the party.]

Adele: You know, if you want to talk to someone else, it’s totally fine.

Ben K: Really?

Adele: Yeah. I don’t even know if I even really like you that much. If it works out, it works out.

[Lauren walks in]

Lauren: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?

[Adele immediately breaks the wine glass in her hand]

[music starts playing]

Adele: [singing] There’s a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it’s bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ‘head and sell me out and I’ll lay your ship bare

Lauren: Okay, I’m a huge fan but I don’t feel safe with her here.

Ben K: Okay, you know what? I know there’s still 20 minutes left in the show but I think we got a call with you, Adele. It’s been a very intense night and I think you should leave the mansion.

Adele: I don’t know if I’d call this a mansion. But I understand. Good luck, ladies. And thank you, Ben. And I will now leave and I will go quietly. I promise. There will be no more drama from me.

[Adele just walks away]

Lauren: Well, that’s so sad.

Ben K: I know. I kind of wanted her to finish ‘Someone Like You’.

Lauren: Wait, I think I can see her coming back. [music starts playing] Yep, there she is.

[Adele walks back with a mic]

Adele: [singing] I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

[everyone stands up and starts rocking their bodies to Adele’s song]

I had hoped you’d see my face
And that you’d be reminded that for me, it isn’t over

All: Yes, she is singing it!

Adele: Never mind, I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
“Don’t forget me, ” I beg
I remember you said
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”
“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”

Thank you everyone. Catch me next week on ‘Love Island’.

Weekend Update- Eric, Donald Jr. and Tiffany Trump on the 2020 Election

Colin Jost

Eric… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Tiffany Trump… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: It’s safe to say it’s been a bumpy couple of weeks for the Trump family. Here with an update, our first sons, Eric and Don. Trump Jr.

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. slide in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin.

Colin Jost: Hey, guys.

Donald Trump Jr.: Hey, so you were in the Hamptons all summer. No call? No touch?

Colin Jost: It’s okay. No.

Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t I see you at the Trump boat parade?

Colin Jost: No. I was just on a fishing trip.

Donald Trump Jr.: Maybe. [Eric mumbling] Eric, move your mask. We can’t hear you, buddy. [Eric pulls the mask to cover his eyes and open his mouth.] No, come on. Just put it down. [Donald Trump Jr. pulls the mask off of Eric] Ew, Eric. It’s wet. Were you chewing on it?

Eric: [smiling] No.

Colin Jost: That’s a yes. I’m so glad to see that you guys are both healthy. That’s great.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yep. Healthy and thriving, Colin. I’ve been out on the campaign trail, super spreading my father’s message. And Eric had his very first Zoom business meeting today.

Eric: Uh-huh. I was muted.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes. And he did great. He did great.

Colin Jost: Sounds great. Congratulations Eric. Now, most polls show that your father’s trailing Joe Biden. Is he worried about losing re-election?

[Eric and Donald Trump Jr. laughing]

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad isn’t worried about losing this election. In fact he is–

Eric: Terrified.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No, he’s not because he knows his base will show up on election day. In fact, he calls all his supporters–

Eric: [interrupting] White trash.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. He does not. He absolutely does not.

Eric: Yeah, and he does that voice.

Donald Trump Jr.: No, he doesn’t. Hey, you wanna put some hand sanitizer on, buddy? Here. [hands him a sanitizer] You’ve been touching stuff all day. You deal with that. Look, Colin, sleepy creepy Joe doesn’t have the stamina to pull off a win here. His platform is just re-heated [Eric is trying to drink the sanitizer] Obamacare policies that quite frankly didn’t work. Eric! Eric! You just drank that?

Eric: Dad said it was fine.

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, it’s not. It’s like, 98% alcohol, buddy. You can’t do that. [Eric shows the bottle to everyone] Don’t show. What was that? Are you alright?

Eric: Uh-huh.

Donald Trump Jr.: Just ease off on that.

Colin Jost: Alright, he’s feeling it. Is your father confident then? He’s confident that he’s gonna win in November, you think?

[Eric is trying to drink the sanitizer again]

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, no more drinking that.

Eric: I wasn’t.

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah.

Colin Jost: He’s gonna win, you think?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah. And the whole family’s got his back. Just ask our sister!

Colin Jost: Oh, wow! Is Ivanka here?

[Tiffany slides in. She’s got a ship-captain’s hat on and a bottle of champagne in her hand.]

Tiffany: Whoo!

Donald Trump Jr.: Yeah.

Colin Jost: Oh, no. It’s not. It doesn’t look like Ivanka.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. Unfortunately, Ivanka–

Eric: Doesn’t like us. I was gonna say, “is busy”. So, we brought our other sister Tiffany.

Tiffany: Haha. Happy birthday to me. Haha. Hi, Colin.

Colin Jost: Hi, Tiffany. I see you’re still celebrating your birthday even that you got some flack in the press.

Tiffany: I’m just trying to be relatable millennial, Colin. But yeah, the media got all butt-hurt because I was partying maskless in Miami with the first 20 randos to slide in my DM. But I mean, I’m a step child named Tiffany. It’s kind of my job to get faded on south beach.

Donald Trump Jr.: She’s kidding, Colin.

Eric: [whispering to Donald Trump Jr.] Don, who is that lady?

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s your sister, Eric. Wait, Tiff, I don’t know if you and Eric have officially met.

Tiffany: Um, not in person. No.

Eric: [greeting Tiffany] Hi, not-vanka.

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, don’t call her not-vanka, buddy.

Eric: Sorry.

Tiffany: It’s okay. Dad does.

Colin Jost: Tiffany, I have to ask. Were you worried about spreading COVID to your party guests considering that your father just had it?

Tiffany: Um, no. Daddy’s always taking the six-foot social distance rule very seriously with me.

Donald Trump Jr.: So, as you can see, Colin, we’re a united front. And we know dad is going to win no matter what the dems try to stir up. Like, this latest debt nonsense? Please, my dad doesn’t owe $400 million. He owes–

Eric: [interrupting] $800 million.

Donald Trump Jr.: He owes–

Tiffany: [interrupting] A billion dollars.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. He owes a little but Colin, you know how my dad does business. He goes  big or–

Eric and Tiffany: He goes to jail.

Donald Trump Jr.: Colin, I can’t handle them. I can’t handle them both.

Colin Jost: Alright. The first kids, everyone.

Donald Trump Jr.: Thank you.

Dueling Town Halls Cold Open

George Stephanopoulos… Mikey Day

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Nicholas Fetin… Chris Redd

Savannah Guthrie… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Jacklin Lugo… Melissa Villaseñor

Paula Dale… Chloe Fineman

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: On Thursday, Vice President Biden held a town hall, as scheduled, on ABC. At the same time, NBC laid a thirst trap for President Trump. One town hall was a thoughtful, cogent discussion of the issues facing our country. The other featured President Trump. We now present a rebroadcast of those town halls the way most Americans watched them… Flipping back and forth, trying to decide between a Hallmark movie and an alien autopsy. This… is…

[Cut to intro of Dueling Town Halls]

Male voice: … Dueling Town Halls

[Cut to George Stephanopoulos at his set]

George: Good evening. I’m George Stephanopoulos. And the vibe we’re going for tonight is poorly attended college lecture. The folks asking questions are half pro-Biden and half anti-Trump and somehow we’ve put all of them in the last row of the balcony. [Cut to the audience. There are only two of them.] How are you guys up there?

Man: Huh?

Woman: I have vertigo.

George: Great! [Cut to George] And our guest of honor tonight is former vice president and future oatmeal spokesman, Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden walking in]

[Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Hello, Philadelphians. It’s great to be here. Hey, is that Bobby Clark of the 1974-75 flyers? [Joe Biden walks to the audience side]

George: Mr. Vice President, please don’t wander into the audience to greet people.

Joe Biden: Sorry. [Joe Biden is very close to the camera] I’m just so excited to talk to America with real life Americans. Hey, George, check it out. [starts dancing] That’s dance for the kids on TikTok.

George: Okay, Joe. Let’s focus. Now, are you ready for softball questions for folks who are already voting for you?

Joe Biden: You bet your short pants I am. This is going to be exciting, George. I’ve given every audience member a glass of warm milk and a blanket. Who’s ready to have fun with facts and figures?

[There’s a guy in the audience holding a glass of milk]

George: Alright. First question is from Nicholas Fetin and he’s a democrat.

Nicholas: Mr. Vice President, how would your response to COVID differ from horrible one of President Trump who I hate?

George: Okay, let’s limit how many times you outright say you hate President Trump during your questions. Mr. Vice President, go ahead.

Joe Biden: Okay. Now, Nicholas, where the hell are you?

Nicholas: I’m up here. Go ahead.

Joe Biden: Hey, yes. Here’s the deal. Unlike the president, I actually have a plan.

Nicholas: Okay, great. What is it?

Joe Biden: A plan? It’s a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something.

Nicholas: No, no. I mean what’s your plan?

Joe Biden: Oh, right, right. Well, let me start with a story mixed with a complicated math problem. If you have 3 million doses of vaccine and the vaccine leaves Chicago at 10 AM, what time would it arrive in Washington, and please show your work.

[changing channel]

[Cut to Savannah in her set]

Savannah: Good evening America. I’m am surprised badass Savannah Guthrie. And if you are angry at NBC for doing this Town Hall, just let me get a few questions in and I think you’ll thank me. Joining me tonight is President Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Thank you Saran Getti. It’s great to be here. Even though, woman.

Savannah: We have lots of voters waiting to ask questions, but I’d like to start by tearing you a new one. Why won’t you condemn white supremacy?

Donald Trump: I do. I do condemn and I have always more or less condemned it.

Savannah: What about QAnon?

Donald Trump: You mean the group that thinks democrats are a cabal of satan-worshipping pedophiles, and I’m their messiah? I don’t know anything about them at all. No.

Savannah: Yes, you do, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Well, I do know that they’re against pedophilia and I agree with that. If anyone’s against pedophiles, it’s me, the man who was close personal friends with one of the most famous pedophiles on earth. Russian power, Jeffrey.

Savannah: Okay. What about the Aryan Brotherhood?

Donald Trump: They’re very pro family. That’s all I know.

Savannah: KKK?

Donald Trump: The car breaks down, you call triple-K.

Savannah: Okay. Mr. President, just last week you tweeted that Osama Bin Laden is still alive.

Donald Trump: I didn’t tweet it. It was a retweet which is short for really smart tweet.

Savannah: Okay. But you can’t just do things like that. You’re not just someone’s crazy uncle.

Donald Trump: Really? Because this conversation we’re having right now was a preview of thanks giving dinner and a lot of American households are crazy uncles. Stand back and standby.

[changing channel]

[Cut back to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: And that brings us to George9Savannah9. A year when I went to the world’s fair and met the ream Mickey Mouse. Does that answer your question? If you want to find me after the Town Hall, we can talk some more.

Nicholas: Some more?

[changing channel]

Savannah: So, just to be clear, when was the last time you tested negative.

Donald Trump: There were so many tests, Santana. I get tested all the time.

Savannah: Okay, for COVID.

Donald Trump: There were so many COVIDs, Savannah. COVID-GeorgeJoe Biden, COVID-GeorgeDonald Trump.

Savannah: Were you tested for COVID-George9 on the day of the debate?

Donald Trump: There have been so many debates, Savannah.

Savannah: There was one f-ing debate. Now, do you have any remaining symptoms of COVID?

Donald Trump: No. Not at all. I’m doing great. My doctors said my lung is beautiful. I have one beautiful lung now. It’s turned basically into glass, so it’s very strong.

Savannah: And you didn’t have pneumonia?

Donald Trump: I had a small fever. It was around 100… celcius, but I did great. I never died, never saw hell or the devil. He never showed me a list of my sins. I was just alive and strong the whole time.

Savannah: Okay, I’m done with my initial prostate exam. Our first question tonight is from Jacklin Lugo.

Jacklin: Hello, Mr. President. [Spanish language]

Donald Trump: No, no. Different person.

Savannah: Okay. Let’s go to our next question from Paula Dale and I’m told she’s horny.

Paula: Um, yes. Greetings Mr. President. I have to say you have a great smile. He does. You’re so handsome when you smile.

Donald Trump: Thank you.

Paula: Can you give us a little more smile? There’s so much to smile about right now. [Donald Trump is smiling] Let me see those gorgeous chompers. [Donald Trump can’t stop smiling] There we go, so beautiful. Now, my question is about immigration. [Donald Trump suddenly makes angry expression] My parents were both immigrants, so I want to know what you’ll do with the so called ‘dreamers.’

Donald Trump: Where did you parents immigrate from?

Paula: Mexico. I’m kidding. They came from Mrs. Maisel-Vania.

[changing channel]

Joe Biden: And that’s why you have to do something. You can make a difference. You can save this country.

George: Joe, who are you talking to?

Joe Biden: I’m talking to God, George. Father, son, holy, ghost, you’re the team we love the most.

[changing channel]

Donald Trump: And that’s why– that’s why we’re going to have a v-shaped recovery, a deep V, rippling pecs and a toned eight packs, swimmer’s body basically like I have after COVID and it’s going to be beautiful.

Savannah: The question was why won’t you releases your taxes?

Donald Trump: That’s simple because I don’t want to go to jail. Thank you.

Savannah: Our next question is from a pro live millennial, so, yikes, good luck.

Woman: My question is did you nominate judge Barrett to strike down Roe V. Wade? Because that would be pretty chill of you TBH.

[There’s a black woman behind Donald Trump nodding her head yes.]

Donald Trump: That’s a beautiful question. Thank you. I didn’t tell Amy– I didn’t tell Amy Conan O’Brian to vote any way on any issue. Some people, some very brilliant legal minds say that Roe V. Wade should be overturned and burned in a trashcan like Antifa is burning all of my ballots because everyone knows that radical left are trying to seal this election. They’re taking down statues which are full of Trump votes. That’s where people place their votes. It’s in the statues and the Antifa is stealing them and changing them Trump to Kathy Griffin–

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Okay. Okay. [cheers and applause] I’m sorry. This is the last place I want to be. But somebody has to ask, what the happening with that woman? Because I only nod that much when a waiter asks if I’ll be having mimosas at brunch. So, either that’s Candace Owens in a wig or baby girl answered the wrong craigslist ad. Are you okay miss? [the woman is shaking her head no] Just blink twice if you’re being held hostage. [the woman is just shaking her head] Oh, oh, you’re listening to music on tiny headphones? I’m genuinely trying to understand what is happening. Because if you’re not a plant, then I am deeply, deeply concerned for you.

Donald Trump: She is probably just upset that I didn’t win the Nobel Prize. [the woman starts honking the blow air horn.]

Kamala Harris: I need to get out of here because this is some spooky ass Jordan Peele nonsense. [The woman now has a message sign “Call Me, Fox News!”] I just hope Joe’s Town Hall is more inspiring than this.

[changing channel]

Joe Biden: [soothing music playing on background] Let’s make the most of this beautiful day. Since we’re together, we might as well say.

[singing with the audience] Would you be mine, could you be mine
won’t you be my neighbors?

What do you say? Will you be my neighbors, George?

George: What? I’m sorry, I’m watching the Trump one. They’re really going at it.

[changing channel]

[Cut to Donald Trump and Savannah trying to wrestle on the stage]

Male voice: [rock music playing on background] And now, Savannah is telling him there’s another question. But oh, no, it was just a distraction. Savannah has a folding chair [Savannah gets a chair and hits Donald Trump] from the audience and Trump doesn’t see it. Oh, the humanity.

[changing channel]

[Cut to Joe Biden wearing a wig and painting a landscape]

Joe Biden: And you see, each tree has it’s own personality. Just like America. Does that answer your question, Justin?

Justin: If I say yes, can I sit down?

Joe Biden: You bet, you buckaroo.

Justin: Both of my legs are sleeping.

George: Well, Mr. Vice President, I believe we are about out of time, so I’m going to ask you for your closing statement.

Joe Biden: George, we have to restore sanity to the nation. If elected, I promise I won’t tweet once because I don’t know how. And I’ll have exactly one scandal. I will mistake Angela Merkel for my wife from behind and tell her she’s got a rocking caboose. There’s no malice in that. That’s it.

[changing channel]

Donald Trump: In conclusion, there’s only one question that matters. Just ask yourselves, America, aren’t you better off than you were four years ago?

[Cut to the map of America saying “No”]

[Cut back to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: All right, then just try and take me alive.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

New Normal

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kyle Mooney

Jeannie…Kate McKinnon

Don… Bill Burr

[Starts with three adult couples enjoying barbecue at backyard.]

Chloe: Thank you so much for doing this. It’s so nice to have to have a reason to get out of the house.

Kenan: Well, we thought that we could at least get together out here so we can social distance on the deck.

Ego: Yeah. As much as we wanna see people, I know it’s still a little nerve wrecking.

Kyle: Jeannie and Don, we haven’t seen you this whole time.

Jeannie: Oh, no. We’ve been really, really deep in our bubble. You’re the first people we’ve seen in six months. I hope you remember how.

Don: Ha-ha. Yeah. I’d say we’re a little freaked out just seeing people in 3D, but you know, I am so glad that we did this.

Jeannie: Yeah, me too.

Kyle: It’s such a weird time.

Jeannie: Um-hmm, it really is. It’s a cliche, but it’s unpresidented.

Kenan: Yeah, that’s funny.

Ego: That is funny.

Don: What? What’s funny?

Kyle: Well, you said ‘unpresidented’. That does a joke, you know? Like, we don’t have president.

Jeannie: Oh, no. I just said the word.

Don: Yeah. Like, you know, they say it at the ending of every commercial. Like, “In these unpresidented times.”

Jeannie: “In the unpresidented times, you need snickers” or whatever.

Chloe: Oh. Okay. Well, I guess we had it confused.

Ego: Yeah. Because the word is actually–

Kenan: You know, you don’t have to actually do that.

Ego: I mean, but I would want to know.

Kenan: Or you can just let it go.

Don: No, no, say, say. Let what go?

Chloe: No. It’s just the word you’re thinking of is unprecedented.

Jeannie: Is it really? Unprecedented. Unprecedented.

Don: Unprecedented. Okay.

Jeannie: I guess we said that wrong. I guess.

Don: Hah. Unprecedented. Okay. Thank you.

Jeannie: Yes. Unprecedented? Yeah.  Thank you.

Kyle: Well, you know what’s unprecedented? These wings.

Kenan: Ha-ha. Okay.

Ego: Ha-ha-ha. Do you like em’? I bake them.

Kenan: Yeah. I actually think they taste better than the fried one.

Don: You know, I’m sorry we said the word wrong. Okay?

Kenan: I’m sorry. What was that?

Jeannie: I’m sorry we said the word wrong in your house. Or on your deck. Sorry, we’re on your deck!

Don: It was nothing. Watch it, Jeannie. Don’t say you’re in the house when we’re on the deck. You wouldn’t want to say the wrong place.

Jeannie: Yeah. We made so many mistakes tonight and I am sorry.

Don: Hey, sorry. Sorry, we had to make– we have a nerve to make so many mistakes on your deck.

Kyle: Don’t get upset. It’s nothing.

Ego: Yeah. You know, the other day I said ‘Dua Lipi’ instead of ‘Dua Lipa’.

Don: Look, we have not been out of the house in six months.

Jeannie: We’ve had show many COVID scares?

Don: I don’t know. I get–

Jeannie: [yelling] Kenan0! Kenan0!

Don: I get fevers. I don’t even know why. Okay?

Jeannie: So, I’m sorry we’re a little on edge. It’s just where we’re at.

Don: Okay? This is just our noon normal. Okay?

Kyle: New normal?

Don: What?

Kenan: Don’t correct him. You ain’t got to correct him.

Don: No, no, no, no, no. What did you say? I said noon normal. What did you say?

Chloe: The phrase is ‘new normal’.

Jeannie: He said noon normal.

Chloe: I know, but it’s new normal. What is noon normal?

Don: You know, it’s like when the day’s going great and then at around noon time, it just– [yelling] [Don throws his wine glass at the wall]

Kyle: Good god!

Jeannie: We are all we have. You see? We only see each other every day.

Don: Things get repeated. Our brains get confused.

Jeannie: We don’t have a deck. We don’t have outdoor lights. Well, we don’t have baked wings. We’re not rich.

Don: We drink our money.

Jeannie: Our money goes to drinks. [Jeannie throws her wine glass on the wall too]

Kyle: Oh good Jesus!

[Jeannie kicks the wings away]

Jeannie: I’m sorry. I have kicked the wings. I’m sorry.

Don: Yeah. And I might have broken a glass. And I think she broke one too. So, we owe you two glasses. Alright? For all intent and porposes, I’m sorry.

Jeannie: I’m sorry we’re bad.

Kenan: Jeannie, Don, calm down. Come on. It’s okay. The world is really stressful right now. You don’t have to be sorry for anything.

Ego: My wings are everywhere, but the important thing is that we’re together.

Kyle: And we’re safe and healthy.

Ego: Yeah. And thank god, no one has COVID.

Jeannie: I think you mean COVIN.

Kenan: [whispering to Ego] Girl, we’re gonna run out of glasses if you say something.

Ego: That’s right. It is COVIN. I meant to say COVIN.

All: Here’s to the end of COVIN.