Tag: Chloe Fineman

Daniel Craig James Bond Monologue

Daniel Craig

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Craig.

[Daniel Craig walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Daniel Craig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is lovely to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. I hosted the show eight years ago. And my life is very different now. I moved to New York. So, when people say to me where Brooklyn at, I can actually tell them where it is. It’s over the Brooklyn bridge or the Manhattan bridge, just depending on the traffic.

Now, everyone assumes that because I played James Bond, I’m this, very suave sophisticated guy. Well, I have to admit. I kind of am. I mean, I’m James Bond. I know English people as supposed to be sort of humble. You know, they’re like, “Oh, I’m just a nerd.” You know? I’m not a nerd. You’re a nerd. Now, this next James Bond film is gonna be my last. But, it’s gonna be one of the best. Because we got Phoebe Waller-Bridge from “Fleabag” to help with some of the dialog. It’s not gonna be that different, but every so often, I will turn to the camera and I will say, “My name’s Bond. James Bond.” Is it bad that i fancy the pope?

Now, you also may have heard the release of the film has been delayed due to public health and so. But there’s this scene that’s my favorite. And you know, the producers are being kind enough to let me show it tonight. So, let’s take a look.

[Cut to sneak peek of “No Time to Die: 007”]

[James Bond walks in a craps game in a casino near Chloe. They’re all dressed very well.]

Craps. [whispering in Chloe’s ear] I always thought your game was stealing state’s secret.

Chloe: [with accent] Hmm, whatever you want from me, James. The odds are not in your favor.

James Bond: Well, maybe I’ll be lucky.

[James Bond shows the dice to Chloe. Chloe blows on them.]

Now, where’s your boss?

[James Bond throws the dice]

[James Bond and Chloe and looking at each other.]

Dealer: Seven. Winner.

James Bond: Really? Ha-ha. I just rolled a seven.

Chloe: What makes you think you can stop him?

James Bond: Oh, that’s simple, my darling. [throws the dice] I’m double-O…

Dealer: Seven.

James Bond: I can’t really– Not just once!

Dealer: High hand at the table, folks. Place your bets.

[a drunk couple joins the table]

Heidi: [to James Bond] Keep it up, tuxedo. My ass in the hole, you gotta dig me out.

Beck: I put big money down here, alright. Don’t lost em’. My wife’s gonna kill me. Ha! Who cares? Right? It’s my money. Right?

James Bond: Wow-wow-wow! What do I do now? What do I do now?

Old lady: Roll an eight for this old bean bag, would you?

James Bond: Okay. I can’t believe. My heart is beating so fast. This is just like– Okay, give me an eight. Give me an eight. Give me an eight.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: Six-two. Easy eight.

Old lady: This slime is rolling hot bones tongiht.

[Kenan walks in near James Bond]

Kenan: You sir. You. You, sir. You. Sir, you, you.

James Bond: I don’t know why. I never play craps. It’s so exciting. So- I- Okay. What do I do now?

Chloe: That depends. What you about–

[Heidi interrupts Chloe]

Heidi: Another game now. Right now, it’s don’t roll seven.

James Bond: Okay. Got it. Got it. Waitress, waitress, can I get a vodka-martini. Shake it– Oh, you know what? No. Can I get a vodka and Redbull, pine glass please. Thank you. No seven. No seven.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: We got a six.

All: Oh!

Kenan: This guy! This!

Beck: Let’s go. Let’s put all our chips on hard four.

James Bond: Let’s do it. Let’s do it. Hard four. Hard four.

[Chloe moves near James Bond]

Chloe: James, perhaps we should move this discussion into my suite.

James Bond: Okay, I’ll meet you up then. If I roll a hard four, you’re all gonna call me Simba because I am the king of the jungle.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: Two and two, make four the hard way.

[everybody cheering]

James Bond: [shouting] Yo! Yo! What my name is?

All: Simba! [Chloe is bored and embarrassed.]

[James Bond drinks his vodka with Redbull.]

Chloe: [in James Bond’s ear] My boss is in the Knezevic, Iceland. That is where specter is located.

James Bond: Cool. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I’m buzzed.

[everybody cheering]

Okay, okay, what do I want now?

Kenan: Snake eyes.

James Bond: Oh, you don’t deserve snake eyes.

All: Oh, please!

James Bond: Okay, okay, okay. Then work for it, bitches!

[the old woman walks to James Bond and shows him her breasts]

Old lady: Hey, why don’t you take a look at these old snake eyes?

James Bond: Oh! This got you snake eyes.

All: Yay!

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: It seems Mr. Bond, your luck [points a gun at James Bond] has run out.

Chloe: He’s a specter agent.

[in no time, James Bond shoots at the dealer on his chest.]

Dealer: Well played, Bond.

James Bond: Everyone alright?

Kenan: Yeah. Specially since you just rolled snake eyes!

All: Yay!

[James Bond starts shooting on the ceiling out of excitement.]

[Cut back to Daniel Craig in SNL monologue set.]

Daniel Craig: We have got a great show. The Weeknd is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Kenan jumps in]

Kenan: This guy. Him. Him, y’all!

Uncle Meme

Heidi Gardner

Ron… John Mulaney

Emily… Chloe Fineman

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Chris Redd

[Starts with seven people celebrating in their house.]

Heidi: Anyway, to our baby girl Emily accepted at Stanford Business School.

Ron: Congratulations, sweetie.

All: Congratulations.

Emily: Aw, thanks everybody. It’s so nice to have family here.

Ron: [sigh] That’s great. So, Tyler, what about you? You enjoying college?

Tyler: Oh, yeah, uncle Ron. I’m loving it.

Ron: Oh, that’s nice. They have computers there, yeah?

Tyler: At college? Yeah, yeah, they do.

Ron: And did you do anything else?

Tyler: I don’t know, uncle Ron. I mean I write papers.

Beck: Ron, you alright?

Ron: I’m talking to your son. You write papers? That’s it?

Tyler: Yeah. That’s it.

Ron: You’re so slick, huh? You’re a liar!

Beck: What?

Ron: Excuse me?

Aidy: Ron, is everything okay?

Ron: No. It’s actually not okay. He meme’d me.

Beck: I’m sorry. Meme’d you?

Ron: Yeah, that’s right. My punk nephew Tyler made into a meme. I’m a meme now. And I don’t like it one bit.

Emily: Dad, come on. There’s no way.

Beck: Yeah. I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding.

Ron: Oh, really? Take a look at this. [Ron walks to his TV] Look at my facebook profile pic. [He shows his profile pic] Perfectly normal handsome picture of me right at work, right? Now, look at the front page of reddit.com. “When she wanna smash but the pee-pee too small.” What the hell is this?

Ron: Oh, wow!

Chris: Damn!

Aidy: My goodness.

Heidi: What in the world?

Ron: I know. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I mean is it supposed to be funny? Coz it’s not.

Emily: No, it’s sick.

Chris: It’s kind of funny though.

Ron: And it’s not even true. I smash. I have a kid, dammit!

Aidy: Tyler, is he right? Did you meme your uncle?

Tyler: Look, it just got out of hand. I just made one meme for fun and then–

Ron: Fun? Is this fun to you? This next one was tweeted by rapper Ice-T. And he said it was too true. [changes the meme] “When y’all kissing and she say ‘That’ll be $Ron00.'” I mean hey, hey, that sucks for me. You get that, right? [changes the meme] “When your girl pregnant and you ain’t even had sex.” Again, I have a daughter. Lies. [changes the meme] “When you tip the cam girl for Heidi0k and she block you.” What?

Aidy: Now, I don’t even get that.

Chris: It do be like that sometimes.

Aidy: Well, this is awful. This is not what Melania meant when she said, “Be best.”

Ron: The internet dubbed me the white collar virgin. I don’t know why. I mean, look at this. There’s thousands. [showing a list of his memes]

Tyler: Uncle Ron, I’m so sorry. I would never describe you that way.

Ron: Sorry? This is ruining my life. Do you get that? You do get that, right? This is endless. And they’re getting more creative. “I guess heaven needed a bitch.” So, I passed away in this one? [changes the meme. His picture is edited like he’s Joker.] “Wanna know how I got these tiny-ass balls?” It’s not funny. It’s depraved. [changes the meme] “When green book on HBO.” Dammit, at least this makes sense. That is how I feel when green book on HBO.

Aidy: Ron, this is a nightmare and we apologize on behalf of our son.

Beck: Tyler, make this right.

Tyler: Look, I never should have started the meme but I promise you, the one I did was just silly. It wasn’t meant to be like, hurtful.

Beck: Thank you. See? Just some gentle raving that got out of hand.

Ron: Oh, interesting. Coz I tracked Tyler’s reddit username and his first post was this. [changes the meme] “That feeling when you a pedophile.”

All: Tyler?

Tyler: That moment when your uncle finds the pedophile meme you made of him. [Tyler makes a silly face]

Airport Sushi

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Bird… Kenan Thompson

Sushi Chef… Cecily Strong

Mouse… Alex Moffat

Air-hostess… Chloe Fineman

Aunt Annie… Kate McKinnon

Baby… Beck Bennett

Jake Gyllenhaal

Mikey Day

Bowen Yang

David Byrne

[Starts with Chris and Pete buying stuffs at airport store.]

Chris: Yeah, I’ll get this Chobani Yogurt with no spoon to eat it with please.

Pete: Yeah, and I’d like a bottle of water that will roll to the back of the plane as soon as we take off.

John: Alright. $15, Dasani water, extra plastic.

Pete: And, you know what? I will grab a sushi too.

[John looks at Pete with shock]

John: I’m sorry?

Pete: The sushi, you know? The spicy tuna roll that’s sitting in on the display case next to the ham and cheese panini.

John: [hesitating] You’re sure you wanna eat the sushi?

Chris: You’re buying sushi at LaGuardia airport? Have you lost your damn mind?

Pete: What? I want a nice balance of carbs and protein. Just sell me the sushi, man.

John: Your wish is my command, Kimasabi. [speaking in loud voice] Oh, phantom of LaGuardia, why don’t you tell this fine young man how he’ll feel after he eats our sushi?

[music playing]

[A bird wearing a mask appears.]

[The store changes into a performance stage. There’s smoke and lights.]

Bird: [singing] In dreams it’s haunting you
that fish you ate
the expiration date
ends in one-eight
and still you’re choosing it
as food for plane
The Phantom of LeGuardia is there
it smells insane

Sushi Chef: I am the sushi chef
that made that roll
the fish inside of it
crawled out of hole
yet you’re consuming it
this great mistake
you’d honestly be so much better off
eating a Wuhan snake

[music stops]

Chris: Is he supposed to be a pigeon?

John: No. He’s one of the geese that took down Sully’s plane.

Bird: Miracle on the Hudson. More like, massacre in the sky.

Pete: And there’s just a bird loose in the terminal?

John: Of course, there is. Haven’t you been to LaGuardia before?

[music playing]

[singing] I like to be at LaGuardia
lots of delays at LaGuardia
two small for planes at LaGuardia

Bird: Watched a man die in LaGuardia

Sushi Chef: Baggage claim carousel cling clang

John: Outlets are there for a cool prank

Sushi Chef: Ha-ha, loose fire hangs from the ceiling
Bird: Gives you a skanky old feeling

[a mouse and an air-hostess join them]

All: I like to be at LaGuardia
It’s time to breathe at LaGuardia
we might have sealed LaGuardia
who can we blame for LaGuardia?

[music stops]

[Aunt Annie runs in]

Aunt Annie: I’ll tell you who you can blame.

John: Aunty orphan Annie?

[music playing]

Aunt Annie: When anything’s bad, De Blasio
throw your hands up and say De Blasio
you’ll feel shamed
I know some of it was Mike Bloomberg
but it still feels like De Blasio is to blame

Sushi Chef: Why are there five planes on the tarmic?

Aunt Annie: But the taxis must stay three miles away

All: De Blasio, De Blasio
the cops hate De Blasio
he’ll keep every song away

[music stops]

John: And look, here comes [everyone starts snapping their fingers] a crying baby about to board a trans-continental flight.

[a baby walks in snapping his finger.]

[music playing]

Baby: Gu-gu-ga-ga, gu-gu-ga-ga
I’m screaming cry voice
got a stripe rope in my diaper
oh, it’s a stinky stool boy

John: Just play it cool, baby. Real cool.

Baby: If my parents are looking for me, which they’re not, I’ll be in the kid’s playground that’s also a pet relief area. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

John: Wow, they let a baby through security.

[Jake walks in. He’s wearing pajamas.]

Jake: Did someone say security?

[cheers and applause]

John: Hello, guy who travels in pajamas.

Jake: That’s right. I dress so that TSA could have easy access to my body.

[music playing]

So, if you care to search me
I’ll spread my legs real wife
I’ll even bend over for you
you can take a peek inside

[Jake starts levetating]

you can tell that I enjoy security
you can search way up in my cavity
you can pack me down
you don’t have to use the front of your hands

[music stops]

John: Okay, Jesus. We get it. You can continue on to Cleveland now.

Jake: How did you know I was going to Cleveland?

John: That’s where everyone at LaGuardia is going, like it or not.

[Jake levetates away]

[Mikey is announcing from the United Express booth.]

Mikey: Attention, we have  gate change for passengers going to Cleveland. Your old gate was A-7. Your new gate is G-46. It is physically impossible for you to make it to that gate in time and the plane will leave indeed. Thank you.

Pete: Man, I told you we should have left at JFK.

[Bowen walks in. He’s an Asian wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Ha-ha. And I guess I should have stayed home.

[John moves away from him screaming]

Oh, relax! I’m not sick. I’m just…

[music playing] profiled Asian
standing beside you
if I cough then it’s over
you’ll get off the plane
profiled Asian
no, I wasn’t in “Parasite”
I know the virus is bad but
it’s coming from Italy too

[music stops]

Chris: Man, this airport is it’s own world.

John: Yes. A third world.

[David walks in. He is a baggage handler.]

David: And if you stay here long enough, you will learn the mysteries of LaGuardia.

John: Wow, it’s the baggage handler who tosses everyone’s suitcase into Long Island sound.

David: That’s right. And you should know that…

[music playing]

All: We’re on a plane to nowhere
hop on in side
they say it’s about to take off
but that is a lie
sure, it will start to taxi
but then it comes back
we’re on a road to one motel
overnight, let’s go find

Undercover Boss Where Are They Now

Kylo Ren… Adam Driver

Mikey Day

Chloe Fineman

Melissa Villaseñor

Beck Bennett

Bowen Yang

[Starts with different clips of Star Wars]

Male voice: Five years ago, supreme leader of the first order, Kylo Ren went undercover in his organization and pledged to change his company for the better. Tonight, we’ll find out if he kept his promise in an Undercover Boss special. Where are they now? Kylo Ren.

[Cut to Kylo Ren]

Kylo Ren: I’ll say it. I haven’t been the best boss lately. I’ve been a little distracted by some personal drama

Male voice: Drama is right. Days after appearing in our show, Kylo killed his dad, cut his mentor in half, fired upon his mother’s space craft, and he’s now obsessed with finding a young jedi named Ray. So, Kylo is going back undercover to get things on track. [Kylo Ren is dressing up and wearing wig] But this time as Randy, an entry level intern.

Kylo Ren: Time to get our fresh perspective. Let’s intern.

[Cut to Mikey and Chloe]

Mikey: She put it on the wrong side!

[Mikey showing the papers to the other staffs]

Female voice: Hidden cameras were placed all over the ship and no one knows Randy is really Kylo Ren.

[Kylo Ren walks in]

Kylo Ren: Hey guys, I’m Randy, the new intern. Okay, boomer! Right?

[The other staffs are confused]

Mikey: [fake laughing] Ha-ha-ha. Alright.

Kylo Ren: So, hey, what do you guys think? When Kylo Ren offers Ray his hand for the second time, do you think she’ll take it?

Melissa: Who cares?

[Kylo Ren moves his face close to Melissa’s]

Kylo Ren: I do! I do!

Melissa: Okay.

[Cut to Kylo Ren narrating]

Kylo Ren: So, I’ve learned all the interns here do all the bitch work. Clerical stuff, food and drink orders, droid wrangling.

[Cut to Kylo Ren talking to a stormtrooper]

Kylo Ren: Excuse me. Do you know who’s in charge of fuel invoices?

Stormtrooper: Oh, yeah. I think you’re looking for Deez Nuts!

[Stormtrooper walks away]

Kylo Ren: Hilarious! Said no one ever.

[Cut to Kylo Ren narrating]

Kylo Ren: Everyone’s been really nice so far. Some, more than others.

[Cut to Beck during his presentation.]

Beck: The fleet is amassing on exogol.

[Kylo Ren walks in with the drinks]

Kylo Ren: One blue star milk?

Beck: That’s mine. With sarlacc cream. Yes.

Kylo Ren: Oh! I’ll go back.

Beck: Don’t go back. Straws? [Kylo Ren doesn’t have it] Great! We’ll just suck it out of a hole in the top. Thank you, Randy. Goodbye! Bye now!

[Kylo Ren is staring at Beck] Good– Beck’s head bursts.

Kylo Ren: Oh, my god! Are you okay?

[Cut to stormtrooper]

Stormtrooper: That new inter’s Kyle Ren, right?

[Cut to Kylo Ren fixing the printer]

Kylo Ren: Load sheets on tray B, I just did that.

Mikey: It thinks the tray is empty.

[Kylo Ren stares at the printer and the printer explodes]

[Cut to Mikey gossiping about Kylo Ren in the intern’s room]

Mikey: He broke another printer. And did you hear? He killed some admiral.

Bowen: Earlier, he came up to me and was like, so in my face. He aggressed me. He aggressed me.

[sound of someone screaming]

Female voice: That night, Kylo is invited to Friday Fun Day drinks in the intern office.

[Chloe is crying]

Kylo Ren: What’s wrong?

Chloe: [sobbing] Um, nothing. I applied to be a type fighter pilot and the director, he was like, “The only way for a woman to fly cockpit is a direct order from Kylo Ren.” Like that will ever happen.

[Cut to Kylo Ren narrating]

Kylo Ren: The culture here needs to change. Everybody deserves a shot. If I can be a small part of that change, I will.

[Cut to next morning Chloe walking to find a helmet with a ‘Welcome to the team, pilot. -Kylo Ren’ message on it.]

Kylo Ren: Congratulations.

Chloe: I’m so happy right now.

Kylo Ren: Maybe one of these days you’ll be as good a pilot as Kylo Ren.

Chloe: Kylo Ren? Shh! Na! I wanna fly like Luke Skywalker.

[Kylo Ren stabs Chloe with his laser sword and then whispers in her ear.]

Kylo Ren: And now, you’ll die like him too. Okay, Boomer?

[Cut to Kylo Ren narrating]

Kylo Ren: Well, how did it go? I’d say pretty good. I made four new friends and killed one of them. I’d say that’s a pretty good start.

[Cut to Undercover Boss video bumper]

[The End]

Sleepover

Dad… Adam Driver

Chloe Fineman

Aidy Bryant

Ego Nwodim

Stephane… Heidi Gardner

Meghan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a dad talking to the girls at their sleepover.]

Dad: Hey, girls. Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock! Dad alert! Wiwoo-wiwoo-wiwoo! Sorry to interrupt the sleepover. I just wanted to talk to you girls. I don’t want to single anyone out or embarrass anybody but something happened upstairs.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: The pizza came?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, no. It’s a little different. It’s kind of hard to talk about as a parent. But I believe in mutual respect, so we’re just gonna talk as adults. Okay?

[Cut to the girls]

Girls: Okay!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, well, it looks like someone tried to flush a sanitary napkin pad, sort of a big one in our upstairs washroom.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Dad! Whao! Is the toilet broken?

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, it is. The pad got stuck. We don’t have a plunger in there. So I think, whoever tried to flush it used a toilet paper stand to try to shove it down and then put a lot of toilet paper on top to kind of blanket it which made it overflow pretty bad.

[Cut to Aidy and Ego]

Ego: Oh, no!

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Yeah, then I think they tried to duck-tape it shut which caused the water to sort of explode up out of it into the light sockets which caused electrical shock. Where’s Megan?

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Uh, I don’t know. She went upstairs like an hour ago.

[Cut to Dad. Meghan walks down stairs with her clothes wet and her hair all messed up.]

Dad: Hi, Meghan.

Meghan: What’s up?

[Cut to everybody. Meghan sits down on a couch.]

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, we were just having a talk with the girls coz someone tried to flush a pad and broke the toilet.

[Cut to Meghan. It’s obvious she did it.]

Meghan: [acting as she can’t believe it] Wow! That’s sick! Whoever did that, that’s pretty sick! I’m gonna go to bed.

[Cut to everybody]

Dad: No! We’re just gonna stay and try to piece together what happened.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh, yeah. Well, that stinks. Whoever did that, that’s a mystery. Just get Mark Harman in here to figure this out. Current CIS.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Well, I’m just hoping that one of you will, you know, come forward.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Oh, well, it’s not me. I can’t wear pads coz I do little thongs.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, no, we don’t need all the details.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yes. Yes. I’m tampons. It’s easy, you know? You lube them up and string first down the gullet.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: No, you don’t have to prove it.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Yeah. Listen, I’m no Mark Harman but it was probably Stephane. She’s got big boobs, so she probably does big pads.

[Cut to Stephane]

Stephane: Um, no I don’t.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay! I’m just gonna keep going with what happened. So, it looks like they tried to soak up the water with everyone’s coats. Then they nailed the bathroom door shut and paint over the doorknobs so no one can tell it was a door.

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: That sounds clever. Did that work?

Dad: Um, no! Then they went on my laptop and tried to order a new toilet on Amazon Prime.

Meghan: Honestly, wow!

Dad: Then, they G-chatted someone named ‘Meghan’s mom’ and said, “It happened again. Just like in church, but worse.”

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: Whoever did it, just come forward! We’re all adults here. Everybody gets a period. We all get it the same way. Two strong weeks tapered with a week on either side. Cramps, medical farts, violence, sexual hallucinations. Ah! We need Mark Harman, honestly.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, look girls. Here’s the truth. I spoke to my insurance company and we’re looking at $ten,000 in damage and I really need to be able to tell them what happened. So, whoever did it, I hope would feel safe enough to tell me.

[Cut to the girls]

Meghan: Oh! Come on, you guys! Just tell the hot dad that your period broke his whole house.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Meghan, can I talk to you a moment?

[Meghan walks to Dad]

Meghan: Yeah, how can I help?

Dad: I just wanna give you a chance away from anybody else. Is there anything that you wanna tell me?

Meghan: I think we should be together.

Dad: No. No!

Meghan: I gamed it out. Okay? The next six years, you’ll be with your wife while I go to college and learn things. And then Columbus day weekend freshman year, I come home, [claps] we bang!

Dad: Okay! No, Meghan. I give up.

[Cut to the girls]

Chloe: Wait! I have to confess something. I flushed the pad. I’m like, scared of tampons. I’m sorry.

Ego: Wait! I also flushed the pad.

Stephane: Wait! I did too.

Aidy: And I flushed many, many pads. Today, yesterday and everyday before that for a week and a half.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Wow! Thank you girls for your honesty. [Cut to everybody] Meghan, is there anything that you would like to say.

[Cut to Meghan]

Meghan: No, there is not.

[Cut to Dad]

Dad: Okay, girls. Have fun. I’m sure everything will be okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Girls: Thanks Mr. Pennyham.

[Cut to the house from the outside. The house blows up!]

[The End]

Del Taco Shoot

Douglas… Kyle Mooney

Miranda… Chloe Fineman

Beck Bennett

Adam Driver

Jordan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Douglas and Miranda in a studio]

Douglas: So cool, right?

Miranda: Yeah, congrats on the gig. It’s actually a really fun commercial.

Douglas: Hey, I’m just here for check. Kidding!

Miranda: Ha-ha. True.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hello actors. Douglas, Miranda, thanks for being here. We’re so lucky we got our first choices.

Miranda: Oh, that’s so nice.

Douglas: That’s awesome.

Beck: Yeah. So, listen. Del Taco’s VP branding is here today. And he is very excited about their buck and under menu.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: Happy to be here. Have a good day.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, ready to give it a try?

Miranda: Yeah! Let’s do it.

Douglas: Definitely, yes. I almost didn’t make it today coz I almost stopped at Del Taco on the way.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: [laughing] Ya, save that. that’s funny.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, I’ll take these scripts. Jordan, ready to roll?

[Cut to Jordan behind the camera]

Jordan: Ready when you are, boss.

[Adam walks behind the camera]

Beck: Okay, quite on set. And, action.

[Cut to Douglas and Miranda]

[music playing]

Miranda: Um-um. this Del Taco is amazing. You gotta get some.

Douglas: Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.

Miranda: Well, with Del Taco buck and under menu, you can get all this–

[Cut to Beck and Jordan]

Beck: Okay, you know, let’s hold that there.

[Adam walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Sorry to interrupt. Um, Miranda, that was great. Douglas, what we’re trying to get here is that you’re hungry but you’re all out of cash. So it’s like, “Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.”

Douglas: Okay.

Beck: Try that. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, it’s like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Sort of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s kind of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s more of, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, right, right. So, it’s “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No.

[Cut to Adam, Beck and Douglas]

Adam: Mark, can I talk to you?

Beck: Yes, sir.

[Beck walks to Adam]

Adam: He’s bad. He’s very, very bad. He should be fun and lively. It’s a buck and under menu for crying out loud. He should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Exactly! That’s perfect. Okay, I’ll handle it.

[Beck walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Miranda, killing it. Douglas, you’re kind of freaking us out. Coz you don’t want it to be bad, right?

Douglas: No, sir.

Beck: Alright. So, maybe it’s brighter.

Douglas: Oh,okay.

Beck: Yeah, we were thinking it’s kind if like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Got it. Yeah, yeah.

Beck: Yeah, let’s hear it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Adam walks in]

Adam: No, you don’t wanna kill yourself. You just want a taco. It should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay.

Adam: Now, say it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: You’re not a pervert.

Beck: He’s got to get out of his head.

Adam: I think we just gotta beat the hell out of this guy.

Beck: No. No, no, no. We can’t.

Adam: Oh, crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Beck: I know. Wait, wait! I’ve got an idea. Dougie, you gotta get out of your head and in your body. Loosen up, alright? Come on. [jumping] Hoo! Hoo! “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: [jumping with Beck] “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, you’re still tight. You gotta loose it up. Drop your pants. Pull it down. Get it off your body. Now breathe deep through your butt hole. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, no, no. Squat into it. Squat into it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No, you’re still reading like you’re a pervert. Put your shirt over like cornholio.

Douglas: Yes sir.

Adam: Alright, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No.

Beck: Dougie, you gotta slow it down. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Now he’s saying like he’s hard.

Douglas: Sorry sir. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Just throw out away.”Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes, that’s it. One more time.

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes! Nailed it. Finally.

Beck: Did we get that?

[Cut to Jordan]

Jordan: No!

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: It doesn’t matter. Great day people. That’s a wrap!

[The End]

Cheerleading Show

Heidi Gardner

Adam Driver

Kroy…Beck Bennett

Daisy… Chloe Fineman

Becky… Ego Nwodim

Cooper… Kenan Thompson

Tony… Bowen Yang

Meg… Kate McKinnon

Terra… Halsey

[Starts with Cheer introduction video]

Male voice: You’re watching ‘Cheer’. The new Netflix docu-series that has everyone asking, “Did you watch Cheer?”

[Cut to the locker room]

Heidi: Okay all, buckle up. We are 10 days out from the National Cheer Leading competition in Daytona.

Adam: And we know you all are shook coz a lot of this team is getting injured.

Heidi: Hey, we throw people ha-ha-high in the air and sometimes we drop-drop-drop them.

Adam: And it’s specially scary coz of what happened to Tara.

[Cut to a cheerleader stuck on the ceiling hole.]

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

But we are working on getting her down.

Heidi: Okay, I cannot stress this enough. In this sport, it’s the tiny girl’s job to fly and the gay guys must catch them.

Adam: You all gotta prove why you deserve to be on mat at Daytona. Coz you know you all aren’t gonna make it. Kroy, let’s start with you.

[Cut to the cheerleaders. Kroy has a broken arm.]

Kroy: I deserve to be here because we must, so we will. I was inspired by the quote I saw in the menu at Alpaca steak house that said, “There’s no such thing as being full.” I think about that erryday.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: And did your arm pop out yesterday and go bo-yo-yoing yesterday?

[Cut to Kroy]

Kroy: Yes.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, and how does it feel now?

[Cut to Kroy]

Kroy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, so I can kind of see his bone.

Adam: Yeah, I’m kind of smelling his arm rot. But he knows the parts. Okay, Kroy, you’re on mat.

[Cut to the cheerleaders]

Kroy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: Daisy, do you deserve to go to Daytona?

[Cut to Daisy. She is on crutches.]

Daisy: Yes. I go hard. In two years, my elbows will be gagged and my brain will be Swiss Cheese. But for now, I cheer.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, and Daisy, your ankle melted yesterday? Correct?

[Cut to Daisy]

Daisy: Yes, ma’am.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: And what did you put on it?

[Cut to Daisy]

Daisy: Prayer.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, okay. The ankle is goo down there.

Adam: Yeah, it smells like soup.

Heidi: But she tumbles like a boy and she’s never had a mama, so we can mold her.

Adam: Daisy, you’re on mat!

[Cut to Daisy celebrating]

Daisy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, okay. Anyone else wanna make a case for themelves?

[Cut to Becky]

Becky: Yes. I just wanna say I deserve to be here because I’m a cheer-lebrity. Y’all know I’m the face of Stanky Leotards and chances are the tards you’re wearing are stankies!

[Cut to everybody. Becky shows her booty where it’s written ‘Stanky’.]

Heidi: Becky, why are you talking? You’re hot. You’re on now.

Kroy: Yes!

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Alright. It’s down to the wire. And I’m making an executive decision. All of y’all are on mat.

[Cut to the cheerleaders celebrating]

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: Oh, I’m on mat? I’ve never been on mat. I will not let you down.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: No, Cooper. Not you. What did we tell you?

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: I’m always a maybe. I understand. Go team! [snaps and claps]

[Cut to everybody]

[a fellow cheerleader brings in Tony as his both legs are plastered.]

Tony: Do not worry about me. I’m okay. Cheer doctor says nothing is broken but nothing is connected.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: But Tony, can we count on you to be on mat at Daytona?

[Cut to the cheerleaders]

Tony: Yes! I won’t be moving but I will be cheering nonsense the loudest.

[yelling] Chicken cheese and chips

Cheerleaders: Hoo-haa-haa!

[a fellow cheerleader brings in Mag on a wheelchair. She has all her body plastered.]

Adam: Meg, you’re back from the hospital. What happened?

[Cut to Meg]

Meg: Fine. I landed on my hut yesterday and I got stuck in my neck.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay, Meg, we are two days off from Tona. Can you be on mat?

[Cut to Meg]

Meg: No.

[Cut to everybody. They cannot believe Meg just said no.]

Adam: Okay team. You know what that means?

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: I’m on mat.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: No, Cooper, you’re not on mat.

[Cut to Cooper]

Cooper: Understood. Good. And absolutely, do let me know to improve everyday.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Adam: Memphis, can you be on map?

[Cut to the cheerleaders]

Memphis: I can do anything you need.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Can you do flips?

Memphis: No.

Adam: Can you life?

Memphis: No.

Adam: Do you know the coreo?

Memphis: No, haven’t been watching

Heidi: What have you been doing during practice?

Memphis: Facing the wall and thinking about the girls.

Heidi: Okay, so I think he’s just been playing with himself.

Adam: Yea, it seems like it. Yea.

[banging sound]

[Cut to everybody]

Memphis: What’s going on?

[everybody looking around. Terra runs in.]

Kroy: You fell off the ceiling.

Terra: Yeah. God gave me back.

[Cut to Heidi and Adam]

Heidi: Okay. Cut to the chase. Terra, can you be on mat?

[Cut to Terra]

Terra: Let’s see. [Cut to everybody. Terra does the stunt.] Chicken cheese and chips!

Cheerleaders: Hoo-haa-haa. Yay!

[The End]

Alan Dershowitz Argues for Trump Cold Open

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

Susan Collins… Cecily Strong

Alan Dershowitz… Jon Lovitz

Devil… Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Chloe Fineman

Jeffrey Epstein… Adam Driver

Bowen Yang

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Mr. Peanut… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Mpffat

[Starts with a meeting in United States Capitol]

Mitch McConnell: Senator Collins, thank you for meeting me back in the chamber tonight.

[cheers and applause]

I wanted to see what you thought about the democrats kicks.

Susan Collins: Well, I was upset that Adam Schiff said republicans are afraid of standing up to the president coz if Trump ever tried to intimidate Susan Collins, I’d walk right up to him and say, [in soft voice] “You don’t do that, do you? I love you.”

Mitch McConnell: Um-hmm. We all know this impeachment proceeding is a sham and a hoax. Republicans are simply requesting a fair trial. No witnesses, no evidence! That way we can acquit president Trump and focus on the real criminals in this country, teenagers who try marijuana.

Susan Collins: Well, the evidence against Trump is pretty damning. So, I’m still on the fans. [wink her right eye]

Mitch McConnell: Hmm. Don’t worry. Our star defense attorney is presenting his case on Monday. He’s here right now to rehearse his arguments. Mr. Dershowitz! You wanna get in here?

[Alan Dershowitz walks in]

Alan Dershowitz: Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

[cheers and applause]

Jealous? Yes, hello everyone. It’s I, alan Dershowitz. Ah! It’s wonderful to be here coz I’m not welcome anywhere else. The line of haters out there for no good reason. But like I said to my client and my dear friend, Jeffrey Epstein, haters gonna hate.

Mitch McConnell: Yeah, um, Alan, I think you’re gonna wanna stay away from Epstein.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, right. Good point. Alright, let me try again then.

[Mitch McConnell and Susan Collins step aside and Alan Dershowitz stand behind the podium]

Now, members of this senate, president Trump is a lot like another client of mine, sir OJ Simpson.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Susan Collins: Could you not mention your previous clients and connection with the president? It’s not a great look.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, hey! It’s not a great look? It’s printed on my business cards.

Mitch McConnell: Alan!

Alan Dershowitz: Okay, okay. I digress. Now, where was I? Oh, yes! If I learned one thing from my time with accused wife murderer Claus von Bülow, it’s that appearances can be deceiving. Trump couldn’t possibly be guilty because– [putting his hand on his chest] Uh! Uh!

Mitch McConnell: Alan?

Susan Collins: Alan, are you okay?

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! My heart!

[Alan Dershowitz falls on podium and smokes appears everywhere]

[Cut to hell. Devil has horns on her head and she is sitting on a chair. There are minions behind her with red tridents.]

Devil: Oh, my god! Sorry! Oh, my gosh! Look at that. [Alan Dershowitz walks in] Freaking Alan Dershowitz.

[Devil and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands and hug.]

Alan Dershowitz: Huh? I’m in hell?

Devil: No! I mean, yes, you are. Let me explain. You’re not going to hell. You’re not even dying. I’m just gonna send up back upstairs in a minute. Honestly, I just really wanted to meet you. I never said it, I’m a huge fan.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Thank you.

Devil: No, seriously. You are– you’re the GOAT! And I should know. That’s what my legs are made of. Here, I have a– [pointing to a rock] pull the rock!

[Alan Dershowitz pulls the rock and sits on it]

This is crazy. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to fan girl out so hard right now. Ay, you mind if I record this for my podcast?

Alan Dershowitz: You have a podcast?

Devil: Oh, yeah. I invented them. Minions, can you bring us the mics please?

[Minion brings in a mic on a mic stand.]

Thank you so much. Okay, here we go.

[starting the podcast]

Ay! What’s up guys? It’s your main squeeze the devil. Reminding you ironically to visit adamandeve.com for all your adult toys. And shout out to our other sponsors too. Like, Vaping! You’re never too young to start vaping. And of course, My Pillow. Not the Pillow, the guy. We’re here today with the Alan Dershowitz, so inspiring.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! Satan, you’re making me blush.

Devil: Okay. But let me ask you something.

Alan Dershowitz: Fire away!

Devil: Okay. Careful now! How did you come up with this Trump defense? Coz years ago you said you don’t need a crime to impeach the president. And now you say you need something crime-like. I’m speechless.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah, yes sweetie.

Devil: And I gotta ask. Is there anyone you wouldn’t represent?

Alan Dershowitz: Well, as long as client is famous enough to get me on TV, it’s all good.

Devil: Yeah, yeah. Someone’s not famous, that’s a waste of time. I used to let nobodies into hell. But now it’s all influencers. Like in a fast pass. Fast pass straight to hell.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, okay. Like a fast pass, like in the Disney World?

Devil: Yeah, yeah. The folks at Disney tried out fast pass in hell before it went to Orlando. Frankly, a lot of stuff in Orlando started out right here in hell. Listen, I’m hogging all your time. A lot of friends started to stop by and see you.

[Jeffrey Epstein walks in]

Jeffrey Epstein: [clapping] Hey, hey!

[Cut to Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz]

[Jeffrey Epstein and Alan Dershowitz shake their hands]

[cheers and applause]

Alan Dershowitz: Look who it is. Jeffrey Epstein. Great to see you. What are you doing here?

Jeffrey Epstein: Ah! Just hanging.

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, very nice.

Jeffrey Epstein: Well I gotta say, I love what you’ve been doing for the president. All we get down here if FOX news and it’s been a joy to see your work.

Alan Dershowitz: Ah! I wish you could have been there in person.

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s too bad I was murdered!

Alan Dershowitz: Ha-ha! I know. Trust me. I know.

[Cut to everybody. Bowen walks in.]

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Totally, you guys are hillarious.

Alan Dershowitz: ‘m sorry. Who are you?
Jeffrey Epstein: He’s the– He’s the– Well, you tell him.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Um, yeah. I wrote Baby Shark.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Oh, my god! Genius.

[Cut to Bowen]

Bowen: Yeah, and that’s why I’m in hell, tu-tu-tu-tu. You know the rest. You know the rest.

[Flo walks in]

Flo: Did someone say hell?

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Alan Dershowitz: Flo from Progressive.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Yeah, yeah. She’s just visiting.

[Cut to Bowen and Flo

Flo: Yeah. I made a deal with a devil so I can be on TV forever!

[Mr. Peanut walks in]

Mr. Peanut: Man! I wish I had done that.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Oh, that’s right. Planters just killed off Mr. Peanut.

Alan Dershowitz: And you ended up in hell?

[Cut to Mr. Peanut]

Mr. Peanut: Well, I took out a lot of first graders with peanut allergies. Plus I never wore pants.

[Cut to Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein. Mitch McConnell walks in.]

Mitch McConnell: Speaking of no pants, you about done here Alan? We got a lot more work to do for Mr. Trump.

Alan Dershowitz: You’re in hell too, Mitch?

Mitch McConnell: No. I just come down and use it as a sauna. But I’ve made a lot of friends here and they give me great advice about how to run the senate.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Hey, hey. Did you do that thing with Mary Garland that I pitched you?

[Cut to Mitch McConnell and Alan Dershowitz]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, it worked great. I meant to say thank you.

[Cut to Devil]

Devil: Oh, please! The smile on Mitch McConnell’s face is thanks enough.

[Cut to everybody]

Mitch McConnell: Aw! [laughing]

[Alan Dershowitz loos at Mitch McConnell laughing and gets scared.]

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, well, thank you. It was very nice meeting you. And, I don’t know if I’m supposed to say this but I always suspected that you were a woman.

Devil: Yeah. I appear differently to different people.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Yeah, to me the devil is a woman my own age. Alright, we gotta skedaddle.

[Cut to Bowen, Flo and Mr. Peanut]

Bowen: Yeah, we’ve got a double’s tennis against Menendez brothers. Alright, bye guys!

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Jeffrey Epstein]

Jeffrey Epstein: Bye, bye. Stay cool Alan!

[Jeffrey Epstein and Bowen leave]

Alan Dershowitz: Okay! See you later. Ah, the Menendez brothers. Ones that got away.

[Cut to Mitch McConnell, Alan Dershowitz and Devil]

Devil: Well, good luck Mr. Dershowitz. We’re gonna be watching the trial this week. So, make us proud. If we get our TVs fixed in time, that is. Where is out IT guy? Mark Zuckerberg!

[Cut to everybody. Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Almost done, boss! And I just want everyone to know that I don’t endorse evil. I just helped millions of people share it. Ha-ha-ha!

Devil: Wow. Even for me, that’s haunting. Alan you wanna do this with me, bud?

Alan Dershowitz: Alright, be on it.

[Everyone comes close]

Everobody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update Chloe Fineman on The 2020 Oscars

Colin Jost

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the Oscars are this Sunday. Here to comment is our own, Chloe Fineman.

[Chloe Fineman slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Chloe Fineman: Woo! So happy to be here, Colin.

Colin Jost: We’re so happy to have you. So, I hear you’re pretty pumped for the Oscars this year.

Chloe Fineman: You bet. I love the Oscars. [Cut to Chloe Fineman] It is my favorite holiday. I am just such a huge fan of all the actresses nominated this year. And I have learnt so much from studying their performances.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great! Would you mind sharing some of what you learned?

Chloe Fineman: Sure! Um, so let’s start with my favorite technique which is something that I like to call ‘steering wheel acting’.

Colin Jost: Steering? What’s that?

Chloe Fineman: You’ve seen it. It’s the scene in every Oscar movie where a broken woman is [sobbing] finally alone in her car [Cut to Chloe Fineman] and just let’s all go like… [starts acting like she’s crying in the car, hitting the steering wheel.]

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Um, yeah. And is she laughing or crying?

Chloe Fineman: Neither. She is acting!

Colin Jost: Great! And can I ask, what are some examples in this year’s nominated films?

Chloe Fineman: Um, okay, [Cut to Chloe Fineman] well there was Martha, the virtuous nurse in Knives Out. [Chloe Fineman is doing steering wheel acting again] Oh, the knives! The knives! They were all out. They were all out!

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

And in Judy, Renée Zellweger broke from the form with some back seat acting.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman. She is doing the acting.]

Driver darling. Driver darling, pull over. I can’t see my mouth. It’s dry. Cling, cling, cling, went the trolley.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. Wow. Now, I’m curious, what about the film like Little Women? Because they didn’t have cars back then?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, no steering wheel? An actor’s nightmare! [Cut to Chloe Fineman] Fortunately, the cast of Little Women broke out an ancient technique called ‘buggy acting’.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh.

Chloe Fineman: For example, Saoirse Ronan. [Chloe Fineman starts acting] Women have hearts and minds as well as souls. And I’m just so sick of being told otherwise.

And then Timothée Chalamet is like…

[Chloe Fineman starts acting] Wait! I’ve loved you my whole life because of your heart and your mind as well as your beautiful body. Ha-ha-ha. La-la-la-la.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

And then, Meryl Streep is like, watching the whole thing like…

[Chloe Fineman starts acting] Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, you know. These young actors are just utterly delicious. Florence Pugh!

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And I’m curious. Were there any non-vehicle performances that stuck with you?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, yeah. [Cut to Chloe Fineman] Yes. Marriage story taught me a lot about teacup acting. It’s like when Scarjo is like…

[starts acting] So, I saw Charlie in this play. And he was this big bear. Do you feel like you’re at home, Colin?

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I don’t. No. You don’t have to… You don’t have to do that. Thanks. It’s really good. Thank you.

Chloe Fineman: And then Laura turns like…

[starts acting] The babysitter? The babysitter? I will not, not be rich.

[Cut to Chloe Fineman and Colin Jost]

[cheers and applause]

Colin Jost: I believe that was from Big Little Lies. Which is TV.

Chloe Fineman: No, Colin. It’s the Oscars.

Colin Jost: Chloe Fineman, everyone!

Chloe Fineman: [honking] Peep peep!

[cheers and applause]

Check-Splitting

Waitress… Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Kandis… Aidy Bryant

Heidi Gardner

Mary… Cecily Strong

Beth… RuPaul

[Starts with a waitress handing over the check to a group in a restaurant.]

Waitress: Okay, guys. No rush. Just gonna leave the check.

Chris: Well, thank you.

Kyle: Hang on, birthday boy. You’re not paying a dime.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kandis: Yes. Let’s all of us, the rest of us, we’re gonna split it. Is that okay with everyone?

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Heidi: Oh, well, I didn’t have wine. Oh, but you know what? Who cares? It’s fine.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kandis: Yeah, it’s just easier if you’re okay with that. I mean, and since we all have places to go, I think.

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Heidi: Um, no. It’s totally fine.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: Excuse me! Now the last thing I want is you call a fuss. But I cannot sit here and silence for one more moment while this unequal, unjust action unfolds!

Kandis: Mary, Beth, is there a problem?

Mary: Remind me, what is your name again?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Seriously? I’m your supervisor. It’s Kandis.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Beth: Well, Kandis, I think you ought to ask yourself if you’re a supervisor or a taker of advantages of people.

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: I’m sorry. I’m not following.

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: Well, let me draw a map for your thoughts then. You are storming on a woman to pay for wine that she did not have.

Beth: And further most, expect her to quietly sit and roll over like a prostitute from the Amsterdam district, I think not!

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: You two haven’t spoken a word all night and now you’re like, mad?

[Cut to Chris and Heidi]

Chris: Honestly, I can pay. I have a real birthday party to go to. So?

[Cut to Mary and Beth]

Mary: No one’s going anywhere. Because this situation has become un-tonable!

[Cut to Kyle and Kandis]

Kyle: Actually, I am gonna go because my babysitter leaves at eight whether I’m there or not.

[Cut to everybody. Kyle leaves.]

Beth: Well, fine! He left. But that’s the only one who leaves this table. Because the rest of you will stay and hear what you need to hear. Lock the doors!

[Cut to the waitress]

Waitress: You got it!

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: What?

[Cut to everybody]

Mary: You’re going to hear the story of this woman that you’ve all decided as too pathetic to be cheated with dignity!

Heidi: Whoa!

Beth: Because every night this woman goes home to nothing and nothing!

Mary: Empty apartment. Empty bed. Empty head. And now you predators want to empty her purse as well.

Beth: She want to Sephora on her lunch break to get eyelashes put on top of her own eyelashes.

[Heidi is getting embarrassed]

Hoping beyond all reason that maybe someone would become a true friend, she has none.

Heidi: Oh, my god!

[Heidi tries to stand but Mary and Beth push her back to the seat]

Mary: And again, might I remind you that she makes much less than everyone at this table.

Heidi: I do?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Yes, but they weren’t supposed to tell you that.

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Heidi: Okay, also, I have friends.

Mary: [interrupting] Bop-bop-bop! Kandis, don’t worry about Kandis. Why don’t you leave Kandis to me.

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: Seriously guys, I will pay the whole bill. It’s no big deal.

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Mary: Oh! Shall we all applaud queen Kandis? The queen of kindness and generosity?

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: I wasn’t trying to be–

[Cut to Mary, Beth and Heidi]

Beth: And I want the entire restaurant to hear this.

[Cut to everybody in the restaurant]

Everyone turn to me! This woman who you so easily throw away like trash, do you know what she did today? Do you know what she did that none of you took the time to notice but us? She has been silently releasing wind at this dinner and said nothing because she didn’t want to miss a moment or steal any of the birthday attention.

Everybody: Wow!

Mary: Yes! So next time you decide that it’s okay to take advantage of the advantage-less, remind yourself that they’re but for the grace of god go you!

Beth: And Kandis, just so you know, and so your children will know, tonight is the night the lights went out in Georgia.

[The other people are clapping]

[Mary and Beth leave]

[Cut to Kandis]

Kandis: So, I guess they’re not gonna pay?

[Cut to Heidi]

Heidi: No, they left. And they’re temps, right?

[Cut to Chris]

Chris: Yeah, just for a week!

[The End]