Netflix Commercial | Season 44 Episode 7

Ruth… Kate McKinnon

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Claire Foy

Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

[NETFLIX commercial playing]

Narrator: This holiday season give the gift of NETFLIX and enjoy streaming shows like [Cut to small clip from Stranger Things, The Crown and Making a Murderer] “Stranger Things,” “The Crown,” and “Making a Murder.” And in 2019 we’ll have even more programming to choose from because we’ve gone crazy! That’s right. [Showing thumbnails of many series in NETFLIX interface] We’re spending billions of dollars and making every show in the world. Our goal is the endless scroll. By the time you reach the bottom of our menu, there’s new shows at the top. And thus the singularity will be achieved. How we doing it? Simple. We buy everything. Here’s a look at one of our actual pitch meetings.

Heidi Gardner: [Cut to Heidi in NETFLIX office giving presentation of her show] So this show is about a girl named Jimmy.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day with a pile of money on his desk accepting Heidi Gardner’s show]Yes, here’s money. Go, make it.[Throwing money at Heidi]

Narrator: We’re even buying stuff from ourselves. We love [Cut to clips from movie, The Crown] Claire Foy as Queen Elizabeth so much, we’re sending her back to high school.

Claire Foy: [Claire Foy in high school] I’m in over my crown!

Narrator: It’s “Saved By The Crown.” We’ve got so many shows. Even we haven’t seen them all. Like “Kenny Meat Depot.” It’s been on for three seasons, and only one woman watches it.

Ruth: Hello. I’m Ruth, and I love “Kenny Meat Depot.”

Mikey Day: Thanks, Ruth.

Narrator: And hey. We still got movies, thousands of them — 12 of which you want to watch.

Mikey Day: We even made all the fake movies from “Entourage.”

Narrator: Betty Ian and Queen’s Boulevard. And we got reboots. Like our dark take on “Sabrina,” then you’ll love our “Greedy Family Matters” reboot.

Officer Winslow.

Chris Redd: Oh, la la my pet. [Kenan is drinking liquor from the bottle. He looks at Christ Redd] I love you.

[Kenan points a gun on Chris’ head]

Kenan Thompson: Get the fuck out of my house!

[Chris runs out of the house. Kenan shoots on the ceiling of his house]

Why did I do that?

Narrator: But don’t worry, we also got that comedy, like comedians in cars getting coffee or Leslie Jones in a van getting batteries.

Leslie Jones: [Leslie speaking out of her van’s window] Let’s go get some DURACELL. [Leslie is driving. She hits something] Oh, man, I think I hit that dude on the bike! [Leslie is driving away from the cops]

Narrator: It will take 12 human lifetimes to watch all of our content.  So start watching now.

RBG Rap | Season 44 Episode 6

[Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping]

Yo, this countryman or woman. It’s crazy. (Crazy)

[Cut to someone coming out of the car showing the shoes] You know there’s only like one lady holding [Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping] the whole damn thing together right?

[Cut to a lady walking towards the court] And you think some broke ribs are going to keep her down? [Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping] Hell no, and hell no. This is for you, RBG.

[Cut to shots of attorneys in front of the court]

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping]

Live Ginsburg and I …

[Cut to Pete Davidson and Chris Redd inside the court rapping with RBG]

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

LLive Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburgive Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

[Pete Davidson and Chris Redd start to rap]

Her name’s RBG and she born in BK

running the Supreme Court killing it since 33.

She went to law school she was first in her class

If she ever wants a date, I plead the court on that ass

she was out there on the strip okay,

telling Trump “Delete your account!”

Fighting for women’s rights, equal right, she [beep]

she work for presidents, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton,

she’s experienced as she should be president

because Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg, where Brooklyn at?

The court is the stage write dissent that throws shade

tell Trump stay out her way, don’t [beep] with my Roe V Wade (precedents)

Supreme courts a boys club she holds it down no cares given

who else got six movies about them and still living

she’s brass knuckles tough her scared got to be kidding me

pour one out for my retired homie Anthony Kennedy

survived the depression and Twitter attacks from Trump

broken rib cage stop her before she eats that for lunch

(Live Ginsburg )

Now you know who I am.

I just snapped on these bars like the gins at a bar exam

Ya Putx

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

Live Ginsburg and I ride for Ginsburg

Now you know we love RBG. Yo, tell them your favorite RBG decision dog. I don’t know. Come on.

Political Musical | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Performer 1…..Aidy Bryant

Performer 2…..Kate McKinnon

Performer 3…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Beck Bennett

Performer 4…..Melissa Villaseñor

Audience 2…..Chris Redd

Performer 5: Alex Moffat

Audience 3…..Heidi Gardner

Audience 4…..Mikey Day

[ Images of Broadway in NYC. ]

Announcer: It’s New York City, and Broadway’s the place to be. But why not go off-Broadway where they’re not afraid to go there. [ Cut to a screen that reads “Not afraid to GO THERE.”] Introducing ‘Divided We Stand.’ [ Cut to the outside of a theatre with ‘Divider We Stand’ on the marquee. ] A new musical [ Cut to the stage where the performers are ending a song. ] that dives head first into our current political climate.

[ Cut to Performer 1 walking onto the stage holding a suitcase and shawl around herself. ]

Performer 1: Ay dios mio. My country is no good. I need, como se dice, American Dream?

Announcer: In a show that can only be described as definitely written by the actors.

Performer 1: [ She begins to sing. ] Adios Venezuela. I’m finally on my way. Bienvenidos, America. And hello, Broadway. Broadway!

Announcer: ‘Time-Out New York’ calls it [ Cut to news headlines. ] “dangerously oversimplified” and “literally helping no one.”

[ Cut to Performer 2 singing. She is sitting with Performer 3 who joins her in song. ]

Performer 2: Border control, birth control, it’s all out of control.

Performer 2 & 3: I need another cup of coffee. [ They kiss. ] [ Cut to Audience member 1 viewing the show, then responding to an interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I guess the worst part of the play was their confidence in it.

[ Cut to the stage where six women are singing. ]

Performer 1, 2, & 4: Me too, me too, and you, and you, and you. It’s happened to all of us, how do you do? Me too, me too, me too.

[ Cut to more headlines about the play. ]

Announcer: “Jesus Christ,” says the New York Times, and “I don’t need to tell you, the cast was all white.”

[ Cut to Audience 2 looking at the program while viewing the play, then he is in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 2: They wrote in the cast list what makes them diverse and one person said, “Parents divorced.” And, that’s not for me.

[ Cut to Performer 5 rapping on stage, while performer 3 is beat-boxing. ]

Performer 5: Trump blames violence on the fake news media. Rewriting history like we read Wikipedia. War, troops, and hella pollution, what’s next 3D print the Constitution?

[ Cut to Audience 2 walking out on the play. ]

Announcer: Playbill.com writes “I was wondering why one guy had three separate raps and then I realized he was also the director.”

[ Cut to Audience 1 at his interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I’m actually dating a girl in the show.

[ Cut to Performer 4 dressed as a sexy Statue of Liberty. She is singing. ]

Performer 4: I am the Statue of Liberty, and there’s no way you’re getting into me.

[ Cut back to Audience 1 interviewing. ]

Audience 1: Umm, I think this might be it for us.

[ Cut to the cast on stage all singing and smiling. ]

Announcer: You’ll walk away wondering whose parents paid for this?

Performer 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5: Vote with your heart. Vote with a song. Vote with the notes, sing it loud and long. Show me the cast of ballot. Yeah, we could go to the polls. But what if we just sang? What if we just sang? We don’t have to do a thing, but siiiiiiinnnnggggggg. [ Performer 1 & 2 hold the last note in an attempt to sing longer than the other. ] [ Cut to Audience 3 & 4 in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 3: I think that last song was telling us not to vote.

[ Cut to the title screen for ‘Divided We Stand’ which is the title with a broken heart behind it. The heart is filled in with the USA flag print. ]

Announcer: Now playing at the Mariska Hargitay Theatre. Tickets are $140?!

Late Night Battle | Season 44 Episode 2

Dance Crew (Mikey Day, Ego Nwodim, Chris Redd, Kate McKinnon)

Rival group (Awkwafina, Leslie Jones, Kenan Thompson)

[Starting at the street at night]

Ego Nwodim: Yo, where the hell are they?

Mikey Day: Looks like Tiny Bigs and her crew are just a bunch of no shows.

Chris Redd: Yeah man, let’s dip. Yeah.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny on nerdy outfit coming to challenge them with her two friends]Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, hold up. You guys already scurred?

Leslie: They better be. We the Tiny Big crews after all.

Fontein Jackson: And we came to slay.

Tiny: Yeah, they’re going to die tonight.

Chris Redd: Yo, why don’t you say that to my face?

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] I just did dumb ass, your face was there.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day and Chris Redd] Yo, Baby Teeth, tell him the rules.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] What kind of name is baby teeth, dude?

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth and Ego Nwodim] I got one baby tooth and it ain’t going nowhere.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Respect, respect.

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd] You know the rules, typical dance battle. We dance, you dance. We win, you go home crying.

Fontein Jackson: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie, Fontein Jackson flipping his knife] You sure about that?

Tiny: Hey, hey, hey, put that away, Fontein Jackson. We don’t need knives. We’ll slice them up with our dance moves.

Mikey Day: [Cut to Mikey Day and Chris Redd] You wish. Let’s get it.

[Chris Redd starts music on a boombox player and starts the dance battle, ends the dance with a Fortnite move and a dab]

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Okay, so at that level. All right. Prepare to be served.

Leslie: Yeah, get ready for this three-course meal.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, complete with Amuse-bouche!

Tiny: Let’s get that ahead.

[Fontein Jackson starts their boombox music player playing old music and dance funnily, ending with a dab]

Chris Redd: Did ya’ll just bust moves to ‘the price is right’ thing?

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Yeah, hell yeah we did.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, because we winners.

Leslie: Like on the game show.

Tiny: Jealous?

Baby Teeth: [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd] I mean it made sense to me, but I’m stupid.

Mikey Day: Trying to confuse us, throw us off our game.

Ego Nwodim: Yeah, Tiny Bigs is notorious for that.

Mikey Day: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We jut got to bring it. Yo, come on. Some freestyle.

[Chris Redd plays the music and carries on the dance battle] [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie]

Fontein Jackson: You see that Tiny?

Tiny: I did Fontein Jackson. That was what you call some weak sauce.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah, like a watery ass marinara.

Leslie: Or even alfredo.

Tiny: Let’s show them how to thicken it up. Choke on this!

[Fontein Jackson starts their boombox music player playing old music and dance funnily] [Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd]

Ego Nwodim: Was that a wrong answer side effect at the end?

Chris Redd: It sure was, and it only punctuated how next level they are.

Baby Teeth: Guys they’re raising the bar. We got to be twice as good.

Tiny: [Cut to Tiny, Fontein Jackson and Leslie] Good luck with that because we brought a secret weapon.

Fontein Jackson: Yeah. Little Bang Bang! Get down here.

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Chris Redd: Wait, Little Bang Bang?

Baby Teeth: He was a backup dancer on the 2014 Mariah Carey tour.

Little Bang Bang: Yeah! [Cut to Travis Scott as Little Bang Bang joins the team] All right. It’s time to end this. But first, I want to be clear with you all. You all corny.

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Chris Redd: Corny?

Ego Nwodim: What?

Mikey Day: Band Bang Yo!

Baby Teeth: You don’t stand a chance.

[Cut to Tiny, Little Bang Bang, Fontein Jackson, and Leslie]

Little Bang Bang: Hit it.

[Fontein Jackson plays baby music that Little Bang Bang dances to]

Leslie: How are you all going to respond to that?

[Cut to Baby Teeth, Ego Nwodim, Mikey Day and Chris Redd, confused]

Mikey Day: Yo, how can we?

Tiny: Looks like we won. Boom! Boom!

Chris Redd: Yeah, yeah. That’s undeniable.

Fontein Jackson: You know what? Why don’t we all just kick it together?

Halloween Gig: Season 44 Episode 3

Trese Henderson (Singer)…..Kenan Thompson

Jenks (Electric Piccolo)…..Seth Meyers

Brad Dates (Keyboardist)…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Chris Redd

Audience 2…..Leslie Jones

[ Image of the outside of a Residence Inn Marriott. ] [ Cut to the inside of presentation room inside the hotel. There is a band on stage, one man is playing the keyboard, another is playing the flute, and the third is in the middle singing on the microphone. There are pumpkins decorating the set. ]

Trese: [ Music is playing. ] Yes, I will ignore. Yes, thank you very much. Hello, Kingston residents in the Marriott. Once again I am Trese Henderson, and this is the Trese Henderson Trio. We are moments away from announcing the winners of the adult Halloween Costume Contest. [ Cut to the audience of the band sitting at three tables in costumes. ] For adults only. [ Cut back to the band. ] But first, let’s get back to the show! [ The band starts to play music, again. ] Tweedle-de-dee Tweedle-de-snatch Tweedle-de-snacks inside the pumpkin. [ Intense short piccolo solo. Music ends. ] Ladies and gentlemen, I could not stand up here in front of you tonight without the amazing little babies you see behind me. Brad Dates on keyboard.

Brad: 100% Tres! [ Short keyboard solo. ]

Trese: I told you! And our newest edition Mr. Jenks on the electric piccolo.

Jenks: Watch me fly, Trese! [ Short piccolo solo. The piccolo zaps him. ] Ooh, ooh, ooooooh! I got a little shock.

Trese: From the electricity in your piccolo?

Jenks: That would be my guess, Trese.

Trese: Wow! Well this week went from bad to worst for you, didn’t it?

Jenks: Oh I’m fine.

Trese: You were sad in the car.

Jenks: I was quiet.

Trese: I think you were sad. Is is about that thing?

Jenks: I don’t want to talk about it here.

Trese: The thing, that the doctor said he thought you had.

Brad: That’s personal, Trese.

Jenks: Seriously, you don’t need to worry about it.

Trese: Well, as your roommate, I think I do. Because we use the same washcloths.

Jenks: Drop it!

Trese: Fine!

[ The band begins to play music, again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-dee. Tweedle-de-pop. Tweedle-de-candle inside the pumpkin top. [ The music ends. ] Alright, how is everybody feeling tonight?

[ Cut to the two audience members sitting at the center table up front. ]

Audience 2: Confused. What’s going on with your piccolo player.

Audience 1: Yeah, we have some theories on what’s going on. I think he has athlete’s foot.

Audience 2: I think he got panty crickets.

[ Cut back to the band on stage. ]

Trese: Did you hear that Jenk’s? We are all wondering if you have panty crickets? People care. Open up.

Jenks: Let’s just do the gig, and not worry the people.

Brad: Respect his boundaries, Trese.

Trese: I am just trying to help. My intentions are pure.

[ The band begins to play, again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-north. Tweedle-de-south. What did the pumpkin say out his Halloween mouth? [ The music ends. His phone rings. ] Oh, I’m getting a phone call. [He answers his cell phone. ] Kingston medical? Yes, hello. Yes, this is Trese. Yes, I’m with him right now. Jenks, it’s your doctor.

Jenks: Well, you’re my emergency contact.

Trese: Aww, that’s sweet.

Jenks: Can I talk to them?

Trese: Well, who’s stopping ya?

Jenks: Okay, so I do have it. How’d I get it? But, I never touched one of those. Oh, I did lick it. Of course, I have clothes. Get rid of them? What about my roommates clothes? So we need to rid of his, as well?

Trese: Even my Gucci shoes?! Ask the doctor if shoes are clothes.

Jenks: He said everything.

Trese: Not my Gucci shoes! But does he know that the shoes are Gucci?

Jenks: He heard you, and he said, ‘yes.’

Trese: Oh my Gucci shoes! I have to throw them away because of your panty crickets?

Jenks: I’m so sorry Trese. I know how much you love your Gucci shoes.

Trese: Yes Jenks. They were my friends. Tell that to my Gucci shoe.

[ The music begins again. ]

Trese: Tweedle-de-dee. Tweedle-de-twop. Tweedle-de-pumpkin from the tree top! [ The music ends. ]

Trees: Season 44 Episode 3

…..Chris Redd

…..Pete Davidson

Mr. Bro Sir…..Beck Bennett

Doctor…..Alex Moffat

[ Scene opens with a sign that says, ‘Help the Trees.’ The camera pans to Chris Redd and Pete Davidson standing with two other men; they are dressed like Hip Hop performers. ]

CHRIS REDD: Hey excuse me, Mr. Bro Sir.

[ Mr. Bro Sir approaches the men on the street. ] You have time to talk about the environment?

PETE DAVIDSON: Trees!

CHRIS REDD: Climate change!

Mr. Bro Sir: Oh, no.

[ Chris takes off his sunglasses. ]

CHRIS REDD: What you mean ‘no’?

Mr. Bro Sir: I just don’t believe in that garbage.

CHRIS REDD: Yo, bag this fool, man. Get the car. [ One of the other men with Chris and Pete put a black bag over Mr. Bro Sir’s head. Yeah, let’s get him in the car. [ The men push Mr. Bro Sir into their car.

[ Cut to Chris and Pete’s music video with the tite: “Trees” on the screen. Chris and Pete aren’t wearing shirts and their bouncing around while rapping. They are in a forest setting dancing around large Oak trees. ]

Chris & Pete: Trees. Bitch I be loving these trees. Loving these trees. Trees. Bitch I be loving these trees. Loving these trees.

Chris: Make that seed work. Right in the dirt. Make you a tree. Ay. Ay. I planted all of these trees. That’s a whole lot of oxygen. Breathe!

Pete: Y’all know me. Puffin’ that OG. Young VIPs. Can’t get a job, cause I smoke too much weed. But you’re full of THC okay.

[ Chris stops the video to interrupt Pete’s flow. They are standing in front of a large tree. ]

CHRIS REDD: Okay, hey, hey, yeah. Pete, you talking about the wrong trees, fam.

PETE DAVIDSON: Hm?

CHRIS REDD: Yeah, uh. We talking about, like, environmental trees. Like, the planet.

PETE DAVIDSON: Oh. Okay, cool.

CHRIS REDD: Yeah, focus on words towards that.

PETE DAVIDSON: Alright.

CHRIS REDD: You know what I’m saying. Yeah. So, whenever you want to do that.

PETE DAVIDSON: Well, give me a second.

CHRIS REDD: Alright.

PETE DAVIDSON: I worked really hard on the other verse.

CHRIS REDD: Create, my dude.

PETE DAVIDSON: I thought this was a weed song.

CHRIS REDD: Create.

PETE DAVIDSON: Why are you so dressed up anyway? We’re playing ourselves.

CHRIS REDD: I like character work.

PETE DAVIDSON: Okay, how about something like, uh…I put my green thumb in a brown hole.

CHRIS REDD: Oh alright, I don’t know which hole, but I like..

PETE DAVIDSON: Something, something about clean coal.

[ The musics tarts again and they continue to rap. ]

Chris: Let’s go!

[ Cut to a poker game in a shed. Multiple photos of Al Gore are shown. ]

Pete: Just tryin’ to change the world like Al Gore. Almost President, Al Gore. Just tryin’ to change the world like Al Gore. Should’ve been President Al Gore. [ Cut to Pete and Chris standing in front of a tree with Al Gore’s face carved in it. ] Al Gore, Al Gore, Al Gore, Al Gorrrrre. Now is not a word anymore.

Chris: Yeah, my ni-[ bleep]-ga Pete.

Pete: Oh yeah and I love the Trees.

[ Cut back to Chris and Pete dancing around trees. This time there is also a man in a tree costume dancing with them. ]

Chris & Pete: Trees. Bitch I be lovin these trees. Lovin these trees. Trees. Bitch I was born in a tree, right under a tree.

Chris: Plant them in a hole. Water them. Wait for a minute. Wait a couple days and water them again. Go to sleep, wake up. Mmmm, nothing! God damn, trees take a long time. Water them, read a magazine, and I still got nothing. Do I got bad dirt? Huh? I don’t know! Somebody tell me.

[ Music stops. Cut to Chris and Pete dragging Mr. Bro Sir into a Dr.’s office. ]

CHRIS REDD: Hey, yo, tree doctor! Tell this man, climate change is real.

[ Chris throws Mr. Bro Sir to the ground in front of an approaching doctor. Mr. Bro Sir makes a grunting noise. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Yeah!

Doctor: Guys, again, I am a medical doctor.

CHRIS REDD: Good for you.

Doctor: You can’t keep kidnapping people and bringing them here while I’m trying to save lives.

[ Chris pulls out a stack of fliers and hands them to the doctor. ]

CHRIS REDD: Yo, what you need to be doing, is saving these trees, homie. Alright, you can take all of them.

PETE DAVIDSON: Spread that word, yo.

Doctor: So many fliers. Look fellas, I get it and I agree. But this is the trauma center.

PETE DAVIDSON: Word.

Doctor: So you’re saying all this in the wrong place.

PETE DAVIDSON: So, y’all don’t have any trees.

Doctor: Not to mention, that the changes that we need to make include a lot more than trees.

CHRIS REDD: Oh damn.

Doctor: It’s increasing electric car use.

PETE DAVIDSON: Be quiet.

CHRIS REDD: Shhh.

Doctor: Buying locally sourced foods.

PETE DAVIDSON: Postmates.

CHRIS REDD: Everyday.

Doctor: Taking planes less, and trains and cars, more.

PETE DAVIDSON: Like John Candy.

CHRIS REDD: Uncle Buck.

Doctor: And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

CHRIS REDD: Word, word, word, word, just the tip. Got it. Yeah, but you can agree that more trees isn’t a bad thing. Right?

PETE DAVIDSON: Right?

CHRIS REDD: Right?

PETE DAVIDSON: Right?

CHRIS REDD: Right tho?

Doctor: [ Sighs. ]

PETE DAVIDSON: Right?

CHRIS REDD: Right?

Doctor: I mean, shore.

Chris & Pete: Dope!

[ Cut back to the music video, “Trees”. Chris and Pete are rapping in the hallway fo the doctor’s office and club lights turn on. The doctors are freak dancing on the other side of the hallway. ]

Chris & Pete: Trees! Yo, you know we be lovin’ our trees. Lovin’ our trees. Trees! Trees with the branches and leaves. Branches and leaves. [ Pete pops a champagne bottle and sprays the champagne in the hallway with Chris and the doctors dancing behind him. ] MAke that seed work. Right in the dirt. Make you a tree.

[ Cut to Chris and Pete dancing with a large tree bending side to side between them. ]

Chris: Ay, ay. I planted all of these trees. That’s a whole lot of oxygen, breathe.

Pete: Al Gore, Al Gore, Al Gore.

[ Cut to Chris and Pete holding their hands around a flower that is blooming. The sunflower blooms to reveal an image of Al Gore giving a thumbs up in the center of it. ]

Chris & Pete: You all need trees. Trees.

Kanye West Donald Trump Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 3

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Pres. Trump…..Alec Baldwin

Kanye West…..Chris Redd

Jim Brown…..Kenan Thompson

Press member…..Pete Davidson

[ Opens with the C-Span title image. ]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. At midnight, it’s interns gone wild. But first full coverage of the Oval Office meeting between President Trump, rapper Kanye West, and football legend Jim Brown. Among the issues discussed were prison reform, education, alternate universes, Superman, and flying cars. We go now to President Trump in the Oval Office.

[ Cut to the Oval Office. Trump is sitting at his desk with Kanye West and Jim Brown. There is a group of photographers taking their photos and a member of the press asking questions. ]

Trump: Hello. Thank you all for joining us today for this important discussion. It is no way a publicity stunt. This is a serious private conversation between three friends plus 50 reporters with cameras. I’m proud to welcome Kanye West Yeezus Yandhi Yaddam Yussein. An amazing guy. Thank you for coming Kanye.

Kanye: Yeah, that’s right. I flew here using the power of this hat. [ He is wearing a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. ]

Trump: That’s terrific. We also got Hall of Fame running back and Civil Rights activist, Jim Brown. Not many people know he was a great lacrosse player. How are you feeling, Jim?

Jim: Already pretty nervous.

Trump: These two are great dear friends of mine. A couple of real Chicago types, if you know what I mean. And Kanye, I want to thank you for giving me, thank you for giving me a pair of your sneakers. [ He pulls out a pair of white sneakers. ] They’re perfect for me because they’re white, they’re wide, and they’re never going to be worth as much as you say they are. Now we got an amazing lunch to get to, but first I’m sure that Kanye wants to make one or two brief lucid remarks. Kanye.

Kanye: First, let me being with the idea that time is a myth of infinite amounts of universe. And I’m a prisoner in another dimension. Have I lost anyone so far? [ Everyone on stage raises their hand. ] Okay, so I’m gonna talk about trapped doors. Like the 13th amendment is a trap door. And if you’re installing a floor, aka the Constitution, why would you build a trap door? Why would you build a trap door when you can end up with the unabomber?

[ Trump pouts his lips and nods as his voiceover explains his thoughts. ]

Trump voiceover: Oh, this guy might be cuckoo. I’ve been in the room with Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un, and they made a lot more sense than him.

Kanye: And then if you in Chicago, some people call it shy-raq. But the murder rate is going down, 20% every year. And pretty soon it’s going to be a negative murder rate. We’re gonna be digging bodies out of the ground.

Trump voiceover: That was freakin’ dumb. He doesn’t stop. He doesn’t listen to anyone but himself. Who does he remind me of?

Kanye: And I don’t want to brag, bro. I don’t wanna brag. But I really have a high IQ; I’m a stable genius. I got a big brain, and I got the best words.

Trump voiceover: Oh my god, he’s black me! I feel like I’ve been visited by the Christmas black. Quick, look at Jim Brown instead. [ He looks at Jim Brown. Jim statres on quietly thinking. ]

Jim voiceover: Oh my lord, what have I gotten myself into? I played football with a leather helmet, and my brain’s still working better than his.

Kanye: And when I put this hat on, this hat is like Superman’s hat.

Jim voiceover: Superman didn’t have a hat, you idiot.

Kanye: See the 13th amendment. You gotta abolish it. It should jump from 12 to 14 like skyscraper elevators. Huh?

Jim voiceover: Can someone be tri-polar?

Kanye: And another thing to think about is that actually, Hillary Clinton is not a man.

Trump voiceover: Wow, that was a curveball. You know this could be good for me. This guy makes Brett Kavanaugh look calm and collected. Wait, no, it can’t be that good. Every reported from CNN is way too happy. [ Camera pans over to the press guy smiling really happily. ]

Kanye: Now, I wanna show y’all a picture of an airplane on my Iphone. [ He pulls out his Iphone. ] Let me put the passcode in, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, I’m a genius.

Trump voiceover: His password is six zeros? Well, at least now I feel a lot better about my password eight, zero, zero, eight, five, aka boobs. [ He mouths the word boobs along with his voiceover. ]

Kanye: Okay, okay. Here’s a picture of a new plane. [ He leans towards Trump showing him an image of Wonder Woman on his phone. ] I want this to be your new Air Force One.

Trump: Wow, very cool. Very cool, indeed. Where’s the plane.

Kanye: It’s invisible.

Trump: Oh that’s fantastic, okay. And, who is that?

Kanye: That’s Wonder Woman.

Trump: Okay, maybe we should order your lunch from a pharmacy. Oh, let’s remember the big lesson today, that black people love me. They love me way more than they love Alec Baldwin.

Jim voiceover: Is God testing me? Or is this like that show, ‘What Would You Do?’ I might have to tackle both of these fools.

Kanye: So in conclusion, 13th amendment, shy-raq, trap doors lead to the unabomber, male energy, Trump is my dad, Hillary is a woman, and the media needs to start making this President look good.

Trump voiceover: Poopity-scoop. Scoop-de-loop. Boop-de-scoop-de-poop. Poopity-scoop.

Kanye: Hey Jim, do you want to add anything?

Jim: Add? I got a couple of subtractions I’d like to suggest. The only thing I definitely want to point out is that mental health in the black community is an even bigger issue than I apparently thought. I mean I’ve been on coalitions with Bill Cosby and OJ Simpson, and this is the first time I’m having regrets.

Kanye: And now it’s time for me to hug my new dad. [ Kanye gets up and walks over to Trump and gives him a big hug. ] Come on in here, Dad. Bring it in.

Trump: Get in here blood.

[ Trump and Kanye continue to hug. ]

Trump voiceover: Don’t check to see if you’re wallet’s still there. Don’t check. [ Trump’s hand hesitates to leave Kanye’s back, but then he gives in and checks his pocket for his wallet. ]

Kanye: I want everyone to know, I love this man!

Trump: I love you, Kanye. We got a lot more in common than people know. We’re both geniuses, we’re both married to beautiful women, and we both definitely have been recorded saying the n-word.

Kanye & Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!!!

Jail Cellmate: Season 44 Episode 3

Guard…..Chris Redd

Prisoner…..Seth Meyers

Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

[ Image of a prison yard. A guard’s voice is heard. ]

Guard voiceover: “Open Cell 517. New Prisoner. Good luck new fish”. ] [ Cut to a jail cell. The prisoner is entering the cell holding his blankets. Bill Cosby sits on the lower bunk in the shadows. ]

Cosby: Ah, don’t listen to them. They’ve been here so long they don’t know what it means to be human.

Prisoner: Thanks so what are you in here for?

Cosby: You don’t ask a man that in here. You put your head down, keep to your business.

Prisoner: Wow. Old-timer. You really know the ropes. I’ve never done time before. This friggin’ sucks.

[ Bill Cosby stands up out of the shadow. He can now be seen to resemble Bill Cosby. He speaks in a voice like Bill Cosby, too. ]

Cosby: Hey! You don’t come in here with your filth and your foul foul filth. You need to get a job.

Guard: Hey, Cosby, keep it down. This is the tenth warning. And you’ve only been here four days. Lights on!

Prisoner: Wow! Bill Cosby, I mean, on behalf of every one of your fans, it is so disappointing to be meeting you now.

Cosby: What!? I am in my prime. I’m in jail and lovin’ it. No kids with the darndest things. Limited interactions with Camille. And when I was fighting incarceration, I had no idea that one of the staple foods of the prison system is Jell-O.

Prisoner: I know we are cell mates or whatever. But I really hope you’re not enjoying prison, Mr. Cosby.

Cosby: Dr Cosby. Young people.

Prisoner: I’m not a…I’m 43.

Cosby: You know I want to talk to the young black men in this jail. I’m gonna tell them with no guards present, that they chose to wear the pants around the b-u-t-t, half of their drawers hanging out. And they should be in jail!

Prisoner: I would be super interested in seeing you do that.

Cosby: Well, thank you. I’m going to need a folding chair, a sweat suit, and a headset microphone.

[ The guard enters the room. He is on the other side of the bars of the cell. ]

Guard: Okay inmates. On your feet. We are searching cells.

Cosby: Oh okay, kemosabe. We need to hide some things.

Prisoner: What do you got in there? Drugs?

Cosby: Worse! [ Cosby pulls out a two-foot long deli sandwich. ] Oh hello, my beloved!

Prisoner: Wow, so you really eat huge hoagies?

Cosby: Well not anymore. They put me in jail for loving salty foods.

Prisoner: That’s not why you’re in jail.

Cosby: And now everybody on TV is the burping and saying the flip off, or flip you. Quick! I dug a hoagie tunnel behind this poster of Dizzy GIllespie.

[ Cosby brings the hoagie over to the wall where there is an upside down poster of Animal from the Muppets. ]

Prisoner: Uh, I think you’re eyesight is bad. That’s Animal from The Muppets and it’s upside down.

Cosby: Don’t worry, you’ll be safe in here Denise. [ He pulls back the poster to reveal a hole in the wall and throws the hoagie into the hole. ]

Prisoner: Wait. You dug that tunnel in four days?

Cosby: That’s right. I got two spoons and I went [ He scats like Bill Cosby would. ]

Prisoner: Wow! You are just like Cliff Huxtable except in just one major way.

[ Cosby pulls out a live turtle. ]

Cosby: You have to help me hide this guy. He’s all I have.

Prisoner: I almost feel bad for you. You’re an old man going blind and all you have is a pet turtle.

Cosby: Turtle?! I thought this was Quincy Jones. Quince? You’re gonna sit there and lie to my face? [ He nods the turtle up and down. ]

Prisoner: I wanna switch cells!

Cosby: Oh you fool. How come everytime I try to mentor someone, it ends up turning on me.

Prisoner: Can I ask you something? And this is going to come out way meaner than I intend. But have you considered just dying?

Cosby: Well, I can’t. My love of dancing is on the defibrillator. Everytime I almost die, I just.. [ He starts to scat and to dance mocking the way Bill Cosby is known to dance. ] myself back to life.

Prisoner: What aren’t you getting about this situation? Because you seem genuinely happy and it’s terrifying.

Cosby: Well, I have my regrets. In fact, I want you to deliver this letter if you get out before me. It’s to an old friend.

Prisoner: It says: ‘Hey Elvin, I heard you work down at the Trader Joe’s. Send me a tub of those pretzels with the peanut butter and put a crowbar inside.

Cosby: I’m busting out! I got Woody Allen to drive the getaway car. Between the two of us, we got one working eyeball. Give me some skin. [ He puts his hand out for a high five. ]

Prisoner: No.

Cosby: Skin it. [ He keeps holding his hand out. ]

Prisoner: No, I’m not gonna skin it. I would normally have some small amount of sympathy for an eighty-year old man being sent to prison, but you damaged countless lives. Maybe you should forget about who you think you are and face what you actually did.

Cosby: Hmm. [ He puts his hand on his chin to indicate that he is thinking. ] Theo!

Prisoner: Not my name.

Cosby: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Applause. You are afraid to study. I am your father and I will kill you.

[ The guard enters the room again. ]

Guard: Damnit Cosby! Stop quoting classic episodes. Open cell 517. [ The cell door opens. ]

Prisoner: Hey seriously, can I switch cells? Like, does this prison have solitary?

Guard: Oh yeah, we have solitary. Right, this way. [ The guard leads the prisoner out of the cell, and they walk off stage. ]

Cosby: So long, Jack! Four days down, and I got the house to myself.

[ Smooth jazz begins to play. Cosby does a ‘cosby’ dance and sits down in the recliner in his jail cell. ] [ The camera zooms in on the turtle, and a voiceover speaks from the turtle’s perspective: “So what did we learn tonight? Not much. But it doesn’t matter how old you are. If you got friends and music, you can get a groove going. And I am in fact, Quincy Jones. ] [ Cut to the image of the prison yard. ]

Coffee Shop: Season 44 Episode 1

Coffee Representative…..Mikey Day

Female 1…..Ego Nwodim

Male 1…..Beck Bennett

Male 2…..Adam Driver

Female 2…..Cecily Strong

Female 3…..Heidi Gardner

Male 3…..Chris Redd

Barista…..Melissa Villaseñor

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

[ Opens with a family walking up to a Domenico’s Coffee Shop. ] [ Cut to inside the coffee shop where there is a marketing representative walking around three tables with three couples sitting and tasting coffee. ]

Coffee Rep: So how are you all enjoying the Domenico’s new coffee drink?

Female 1: I love it!

Male 1: This Americano is delicious.

Male 2: Now I say to the day I die, Domenico’s knows coffee.

Female 2: Yeah, I’m a bit of a coffee snob and I have to say Domenico’s nailed it.

Female 3: Yeah, they really did.

Coffee Rep: Well, I’m glad you folks feel that way. Because what if I told you that the delicious coffee drinks you’re sipping on aren’t actually from a specialty coffee shop?

Male 2: Heh, heh, heh. What?

Female 2: What’s happening?

Coffee Rep: But, they’re actually coffee from Burger King’s..

[ Three Burger King workers walk out carrying Burger King coffees in to-go containers. ]

Female 2: No!

Coffee Rep: New Cafe Gourmet!

Female 2: No!

Coffee Rep: BK Joe Coffee!

Male 2: What the hell?

Female 3: Woah, this coffee is from Burger King?

Male 3: Well damn, I guess I’ll be going to Burger King a lot more often.

Male 2: Well hold the phone brother, because I guess I just don’t get it. You’re telling me that I was just drinking a delicious cup of Domenico’s coffee with my new wife, then a bunch of puds walk out with burger coffee. Now you’re telling me we were drinking BK Joe the whole time. I, I guess I just don’t get it.

Coffee Rep: Well you actually do get it. Because that is exactly what just happened. And you’re not alone. Nine out of ten customers say they can’t tell the difference between BK Joe and the fancy stuff.

Female 2: But I can tell, and this is Domenico’s.

Coffee Rep: But the fun thing is that you actually drank BK Joe.

Female 2: Well, probably everyone else’s was a BK Joe. But mine wasn’t. I’m a Domenico’s girl.

Male 2: My new wife is a Domenico’s girl.

Coffee Rep: Okay sure, but that coffee is BK Joe. And get this, it costs just a $1.99.

Male 2: $1.99, you better take that back you pervert.

Coffee Rep: Woah, sir. There is no need for that.

Male 2: You fed my wife this garbage? Huh, this burger juice? How dare you? The day after our wedding.

Male 1: You came here the day after your wedding?

Female 2: Baby, I can’t believe I drank that burger coffee. I think I’m going to be sick. Baby, give me your purse.

[ Male 2 grabs his purse and hands it to female 2. ]

Male 2: Alright.

[ Female 2 begins to gag and stick out her tongue over the purse. ]

Coffee Rep: Wait, I’m sorry. Do you guys think that the coffee is made from burgers? Cause it’s not. It just comes from Burger King.

Male 2: Excuse me. Burger King! What happened to BK Joe? Alright be real with me brother. Are you BK Joe? Is he BK? [ He points to Male 3. ] Because I know it’s not her. [ He points to female 3. ]

Female 3: What?

Coffee Rep: BK Joe is not a person.

Female 2: Why should we trust anything you say? You lied about everything else. Oh, let me guess. This isn’t even Domenico’s coffee.

Coffee Rep: It’s not! I’ve said that several times.

Male 1: I’ll Krav Maga you right now. You know I know Krav Maga. Try me BK.

Female 2: Babe, babe, babe. What about the Batista? Is the batista real?

Female 1: Okay, I think you mean Barista.

Male 2: Batista, are you even real?

Barista: I am a paid actor but I did used to work at a Starbucks.

Male 2: As what a clown? Cause that’s what you are.

Female 2: Okay, I know why you’re all doing this. You’re jealous of me. You’ve been jealous of me since the second I walked into this Domenico’s. Because you could never get a man like this. I can’t go through this again, not at a Domenico’s.

Coffee Rep: Ma’am, Domenico’s is not a real place. This was a set built for a shoot.

Female 3: You know what, I don’t care where this coffee came from. I love it.

Female 2: Okay, look, I’m telling you this only because I’m honestly the nicest and most honest person here. But when you say that, you sound poor.

Female 3: Excuse me.

Female 2: You sound desperate you sound poor. And when this movie comes out, you’re going to want to kill yourself. I’m just trying to be nice.

Coffee Rep: I’m sorry you think this is a movie? For burger King?

Male 2: You see this Biscootie cookie? [ He picks up the Biscotti cookie and breaks it in half. ] This is you. Ah, now you know I know Krav maga.

Female 2: Oh my God, that got me so horned up baby. I love you so much.

Male 2: I love you, too. I’ll kill for you.

Female 2: And you will.

[ Male 2 and female 2 begin to kiss. Female 2 repeatedly says ‘Mmm’ each time their lips touch. ]

Coffee Rep: Oh, Jesus. [ They continue to kiss. Female 2 making ‘mmm’ noises and creepy giggles. ] Well, it feels like we’re not going to be able to use any of this footage so you can all go home. Thank you.

Male 2: Alright, come on baby. Let’s go. [ Male 2 and female 2 begin to exit the coffee shop together. ]

Female 2: Okay, baby don’t forget your purse. Can we stop by Burger King, I hear they have Domenico’s now.

[ Cut to Burger King BK Joe advertisement image. ]

Announcer: Brought to you by BK Joe from Burger King. BK is Burger king and Joe is coffee.

 

Kavanaugh Hearing Cold Open: Season 44 Episode 1

Harris Faulkner (Fox News)…..Leslie Jones

Mr. Grassley…..Alex Moffat

Mrs. Feinstein…..Cecily Strong

Hon. Brett M. Kavanaugh…..Matt Damon

Rachel Mitchell…..Aidy Bryant

Sen. Amy Klobuchar…..Rachel Dratch

Thom Tillis…..Mikey Day

Sen. Cory Booker…..Chris Redd

Sen. John Kennedy…..Kyle Mooney

Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse…..Pete Davidson

Mr. Hatch…..Beck Bennett

Mr. Graham…..Kate McKinnon

[ Fox News Alert opening sequence. ] [ Cut to Harris Faulkner sitting at the news desk. ]

Harris Faulkner: Hello. I’m Harris Faulkner. And we are halfway through the Kavanaugh hearing. It’s special coverage at the Fox News we’re calling, “Wuh Oh!”Judge Kavanaugh himself is about to appear, so let’s go live to the Senate hearing room where two of the oldest white people I’ve ever seen are about to run a circus.

[ Cut to the Senate Hearing Room. There is a banging of a judge’s mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Order, Order. We are calling this meeting back to order. This hearing back to order.

Mrs. Feinstein: That’s right, we’re back from lunch. I had soup.

Mr. Grassley: And I had soup as well. It was too hot. Now we just heard some very moving testimony from Dr. Ford. I listened to her and I kept a very open mind and that is why I already voted yes for Kavanaugh before she said a word. Now we’ve heard from the alleged victim, but now it’s time to hear from the hero, Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Who I’m told has been shadowboxed in the men’s room for the last 45 minutes. Judge Kavanaugh!

[ Judge Kavanaugh’s seat is empty. He enters the room and takes a seat. He is consistently sniffing. ]

Kavanaugh: WHAT!

Mr. Grassley: Judge Kavanaugh, are you ready to begin?

Kavanaugh: Oh, hell yeah! Let me tell you this, I’m gonna start at an eleven. I’m going to take it to about a fifteen real quick. First of all, I showed this speech to almost no one. Not my family, not my friends, not even P.J. or Tobin or Squee. This is my speech. There are others like it, but this is mine. I wrote it last night while screaming into an empty bag of Doritos. I’m here tonight because of a sham, a political con job, orchestrated by the Clinton’s and George Soros and Kathy Griffin and Mr. Ronan Sinatra. Now I am usually an optimist. I’m a keg is half full kind of guy. BUt what I’ve seen from the monsters on this committee makes me want to puke and not from beer. Dr. Ford has no evidence, none! Meanwhile, I’ve got these. [ Kavanaugh shows his calendar to the hearing room. ] I’ve got these calendars. [ Kavanaugh begins to force a cry between his words. ] These beautiful creepy calendars about lifting weights with P.J. and Squee and Donkey Dong Doug. [ He puts the calendar down. ] But you don’t care about Squee or Donkey Dong Doug, do you? You just want to humiliate me in front of my wife, and my parents, and Alyssa frickin’ Milano. [ A cardboard cut out of Alyssa Milano pokes out behind Kavanaugh. ] Well guess what? I’m not backing down, you sons of bitches. I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘stop’. To quote my hero, Clint Eastwood’s character in “Gran Torino”, ‘Get the hell off my lawn!’ Now let’s do this!

Mr. Grassley: Okay. Well, I’m hard as hell. Senator Feinstein, you want to fight this monkey first?

Mrs. Feinstein: Judge Kavanaugh, [ Cut to Kavanaugh drinking a glass of water and spilling it all over his face. ] are you saying that all that all the claims of Mrs. Ford, Mrs. Ramirez, and Mrs. Swetnick are false?

Kavanaugh: Ha! Uh, doy! [ Kavanaugh pours himself some more water. ]

Mrs. Feinstein: Then if you have nothing to hide, would you agree to an independent FBI investigation into the allegations?

Kavanaugh: Asked and answered. I wanted a hearing the next day. The next day.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, that in no way answers my question. Would you agree to an FBI investigation?

Kavanaugh: You want a real investigation. Then just look at my calendars. And you’re going to see that very night I Was lifting weight P.J. and Squee and Handsy HAnk and Gangbang Greg. Which you know the liberal media is going to find some way to spin.

Mrs. Feinstein: Okay, can we vote now?

Mr. Grassley: No, no. Senator Hatch.

Mr. Hatch: I just want to point out that democrats in this committee have acted like cowards. Now if you excuse me I would like to hide behind the female prosecutor we hired as a human shield.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay. So, hi. I’ve got about 4,000 loose papers on this weird little baby desk that they set up for me here. Okay. Now okay first of all, hello, my name is Rachel Mitchell. I’m here mostly for Twitter. And although everyone will constantly be referring to me as female prosecutor, you can really just call me straight up prosecutor. Okay. Now before we begin…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, you’re time is up.

Rachel Mitchell: Okay, wow, I’m already regretting this.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Klobuchar.

Klobuchar: Okay, okay. Here we go. Now Judge Kavanaugh would you say in high school that you were a frequent drinker?

Kavanaugh: Look, I like beer. Okay. I like beer. Boys like beer. Girls like beer. I like beer. I like beer!

Klobuchar: Okay, so I asked if you drank in high school and you said, ‘I like beer’ ten times. That leads me to the next question. Did you ever drink too many beers?

Kavanaugh: You mean, was I cool? Yeah. [ Kavanaugh continues to drink water and spills it on himself. ]

Klobuchar: Alright. Alright. Then tell me this, Judge, did you ever drink so much that you blacked out?

Kavanaugh: I don’t know. Did you? Huh? Huh? Huh? Did you ever blackout?

Klobuchar: Excuse me?

Kavanaugh: Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I think I just blacked out for a second.

Klobuchar: I accept your apology, Judge. Can I just ask…[ Alyssa Milano cardboard pokes out behind Klobuchar. ] Is Alyssa Milano behind me? She is just so good at finding her lens.

Mr. Grassley: Order, order! Senator Tillis.

Tillis: Thank you. I would also like to yield my time to the female assistant. Or sorry, do you prefer stewardess?

Rachel: Oh okay, I cannot believe I flew here on Southwest for this. Um, okay now Judge Kavanaugh, do you have the definition of sexual behavior in front of you?

Kavanaugh: Yeah!

Rachel: Okay could you please read it to yourself and while you do could you please look at the piece of paper like you hate it? And could you also squint and make your mouth into the tiniest little mouth we have ever seen?

[ Kavanaugh looks at the paper squinting and puckering his lips. ]

Kavanaugh: Okay, I read it.

Rachel: Okay now having read it could you…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet interrupting Rachel again. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Oh okay. Very cool.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Booker, are you ready to speak?

Booker: I will not dignify this hearing with words. I will just show you one expression I call the ‘Booker look’. [ Booker makes an exaggerated sad face and shakes his head in disapproval. ]

Mr. Grassley: Okay, thank you Senator Booker. Senator Kennedy from Louisiana.

Kennedy: Judge Kavanaugh, I only have one question for you. Look me in the eye, in front of God, and I want you to answer honestly. That beer you like to drink, are we talking foreign or domestic?

Kavanaugh: I drink American Beer.

Kennedy: You ain’t drinking Heineken on us?

Kavanaugh: I drink American beer!

Kennedy: No further questions! This guy checks out. I give the rest of my time to Miss Frizzle.

Rachel: Okay, now I gotta make this quick…

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Time!

Rachel: Damnit. Damnit.

Mr. Grassley: Senator Whitehouse!

Whitehouse: Yeah, I’d just like to ask Judge Kavanaugh about his yearbook.

Kavanaugh: Oh yearbook. We’re talking about a yearbook right now.

Whitehouse: Uh, Judge Kavanaugh, what is ‘boofing’?

Kavanaugh: It was flatulence. I was 16.

Whitehouse: Can you use ‘boof’ in a sentence?

Kavanaugh: Sure. I passed out from drinking but then I boofed so loud, I woke myself up.

Whitehouse: Okay, what about ‘Devil’s Triangle’?

Kavanaugh: It’s a drinking game.

Whitehouse: Okay, ‘Eskimo Brothers’?

Kavanaugh: Drinking game.

Whitehouse: ‘Eiffel Tower’ with Dougie One Nut?

Kavanaugh: That was a possible trip to France that didn’t pan out.

Whitehouse: Judge Kavanaugh, my staff just googled all these terms and they’re clearly referring to sex.

Kavanaugh: Well that’s impossible because I didn’t have sex for many, many, many years. Many years. All I did was drink, a lot, and not think about having sex at all. I was the proudest, drunkest, virgin you’ve ever seen. And everyone can relate to that.

[ Mr. Graham bangs his fist on the desk. ]

Mr. Graham: I object.

[ Mr. Grassley bangs his mallet. ]

Mr. Grassley: Lindsey Graham.

Mr. Graham: I object. That’s right. [ He points his finger and shakes it. ] I have been waiting to yell and shake my finger and get rid of this tomato for 15 minutes. And I know I’m supposed to shut up because I am single white male 5’10”, uncut. But I will not shut up, because this is a bunch of c-r-a-p crap! This ain’t no trial. This ain’t no due process. You know what this is Judge Kavanaugh, you know what this is?

Kavanaugh: Is this a real question?

Mr. Graham: This is hell! That’s what it is. It’s hell. [ He keeps pointing and exaggerating his pointing. ] Is this hell to you, Judge Kavanaugh?

Kavanaugh: Well, it’s pretty bad.

Mr. Graham: It is hell! And for what? You don’t just be Bill Cosby and suddenly you’re not Bill Cosby anymore.

Kavanaugh: Okay well you don’t, you don’t have to compare me to Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: No, no. You are him. You are him. Imagine this man in handcuffs like Bill Cosby.

Kavanaugh: Just please stop saying Bill Cosby.

Mr. Graham: You put this man on Supreme Court now! No vote, no discussion. You give him a damn robe and you let him do whatever the hell he wants. Because this right now, this is my audition for Mr. Trump’s cabinet. And also for a regional production of ‘The Crucible’. And let me tell you, queen, I was good.

Mr. Grassley: Alright. [ He bangs his mallet. ] Alright. [ He bangs his mallet again. ] Alright, I think we’ve heard more than enough. Ranking member Feinstein, would you like to say something in closing?

Mrs. Feinstein: I just have one final question for Judge Kavanaugh. After all of this, do you really think you have the right demeanor and temperament to be a Supreme Court Justice?

[ Kavanaugh turns two pages of paper with force. ]

Kavanaugh: I went to Yale! I work my butt off to get here. I busted my buns. I lifted weights. Every day [ He begins to cry. ] with Tobin, and P.J., and Squee. And Donkey Dong Doug. And yeah, we had a couple thousand beers along the way. Especially my good friend, Mark Judge, who can’t remember huge chunks of his life, but is my key witness. So am I angry, you’re damn right. But if you think I’m angry now, you just wait till I get on that Supreme Court cause then you’re all gonna pay. Give me a can of water. [ He shotguns a can of water. ] And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!