Tag: Darrell Hammond

GOP Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Jon Rudnitsky

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Carly Fiorina… Cecily Strong

Chris Christie…Bobby Moynihan

Rand Paul… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Republican Presidential Debate intro]

Male voice: Live from the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, it’s the Republican Debate, with your moderator Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening. For those of you who missed our earlier under card debate featuring Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, well the results are in and everybody lost. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are  [Cut to the candidates] Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and poor sweet Jeb Bush.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

With the rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Carly Fiorina waving]

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul waving]

Chris Christie: Hey, baba-boy!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: We will begin with the front runner, Mr. Trump here. Opening remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Debates are stupid. You should be paying me and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Wolf, May I take a desperate swing at Donald now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead Mr. Bush.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: This is what he does. He says these offensive things then he bullies anyone who challenges him. Well guess what, you can’t insult your way to the presidency.

Donald Trump: Oh really jug head? Coz I’m at 43 and you’re at three. Jeb, you’re a nice guy but you’re a light weight. And I know for a fact that you pee setting down.

Jeb Bush: No I don’t.

Donald Trump: Yes you do.

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, let’s go to the surging Ted Cruz. Senator, [Cut to Ted Cruz] you said you will relentlessly carpet bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?

Ted Cruz: Well, Wolf, if I’m president I can promise you, ISIS will hate me and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call, a punch-able face. Political actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I’m gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I’m gonna ruin it.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: We are under attack and we are all gonna die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses and these buses are being driven off-cliffs by terrorists. Today in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here folks, and I am the only one up here with a stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, Bon Jovi forever!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul]

Rand Paul: Listen to this man. He’s trying to start World War III.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Sir, we’re not taking comments from the audience yet.

[Cut to Rand Paul looking angry]

Rand Paul: No, I’m Rand Paul. I’m up here.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Oh, sorry. Well, let’s go to Dr. Carson. Doctor, do you, a brain surgeon, have the experience in toughness to deal with world leaders like Vladimir Putin?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well that question makes me furious, Wolf. I might go ham up in here right now. Of course I can be tough. As a surgeon, I have to tell people things they don’t wanna hear. Not that they have to have brain surgery. That it be performed by me, a man who they believe to be asleep. But I’m not asleep. I am amped, I am jacked and I’m ready to throw down. What do you think of that, Mr. Putin?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Miss Fiorina, your thoughts.

[Cut to Carly Fiorina]

Carly Fiorina: You wanna talk about Putin, I know Vladimir Putin personally. I sold him an HP printer and now he hates my guts. It doesn’t work. It never worked. And when Putin calls me to complain, I just smile that classic Carly Fiorina smile.

[Carly Fiorina smiles showing her teeth]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay, well looks like Jeb’s got his courage back up.

[Cut to Jeb Bush. Looks like he’s warming up for sports.]

He is ready to take another run at Trump.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you’ve been quietly muttering to yourself.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Trump? I mean, [Cut to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump] this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? Nah, man.

Donald Trump: Jeb, you’re a very nice man but you’re basically a little girl. Folks, this is true. I got hold of Jeb’s birth certificate in full disclosure. His real name is Zebra.

Jeb Bush: That is not true.

Donald Trump: That is true. Yes, it is. Jeb-bra. Jeb-bra.

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name. That’s not my name.

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, lose say what?

Jeb Bush: What? Oh, come on!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Let’s move on to senator Rubio. Senator, few weeks ago, you were many people’s pick as the most electable candidate. Tonight you’re in 4th place. Are you resonating with the voters?

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Wolf, let’s remember one thing. I am by far, the most attractive person on this stage. I’m a hard seven, baby! I’m young, Cuban, and let’s face it, I’m the only one up here you’d swipe right on. [Cut to Ben Carson. He’s wearing glasses that has wide open eyes printed on them.] So why am I losing to this guy who is asleep right now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, before we go to commercial, we’ll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Alright guys, listen. If we work together we can stop Donald Trump. Combine my numbers with [pointing to other candidates] your’s, your’s and your’s, we’d almost win.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, shut your pot hole

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay, you know what? You’re a jerk! You’re never gonna be president, Donald.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, no kidding. None of us are genius. And I’ll tell ya something else. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]

Hillary Clinton and Hillary Clinton

Beck Bennett

Miley Cyrus

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Bartender… Hillary Clinton

Taran Killam

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with a couple in a restaurant]

Beck: Did you see Trump on a rally this week?

Miley: Oh, love that guy. He just says whatever he wants.

Beck: Yeah. My tops are Trump and then black doctor.

Miley: I don’t know. I kind of like Carly Fiorina.

Beck: Yes, she’d make the best first female president. Don’t you think?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Cecily sitting on the bar booth listening to people talk]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, man! Why won’t the people just let me lead?

Cecily: You know what?

Hillary Clinton: Just give me the hammer and the nails and let me fix it all!

Cecily: Hillary, I think that you’ve heard enough in here. Let’s get out of here.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, you go ahead. I’m gonna have one more drink. Hey Bartender, keep on coming!

[Bartender pours a drink for Hillary Clinton]

[cheers and applause]

Bartender: Rough night?

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, you could say that. Whoo! Hi! I’m Hillary Rodham Clinton.

[Hillary Clinton shakes hands with Bartender]

Bartender: Hey, great name. I’m Vale. So, Hillary, what brings you here tonight?

Hillary Clinton: Well, I needed to blow out some steam. I’ve had a hard couple of 22 years.

Bartender: Why? What do you do for a living?

Hillary Clinton: Well, first, I am a grandmother. And second, I am a human and trusted with this one green earth.

Bartender: Oh, I get it. You’re a politician.

Hillary Clinton: Yes! And how about you?

Bartender: Me? I’m just an ordinary citizen who believes the Keystone pipeline will destroy our environment.

Hillary Clinton: I agree with you there. It did take me a long time to decide that, but I am against it.

Bartender: You know, nothing wrong with taking your time. What’s important is getting it right.

Hillary Clinton: Yes. I’ll drink to that. God, I love scalding hot vodka.

Bartender: You know, I just realized, I never checked your ID.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] ID? Come on, please! I have a one year old granddaughter. She calls me madam president.

Bartender: I never would have guessed. You give up such a young cool vibe, you must work in Brooklyn.

Hillary Clinton: Yes! Somewhere in there. Yes!

[Taran comes in]

Taran: Hi, hi, Mrs. Clinton. I’m so sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say my sister’s gay. So, thank you for all you’ve done for gay marriage.

[Hillary Clinton shakes hands with Taran]

Hillary Clinton: Well, you’re welcome.

[Taran walks away]

Bartender: It really is great how long you’ve supported gay marriate.

Hillary Clinton: Yes. I could have supported it sooner.

Bartender: Well, you did pretty soon.

Hillary Clinton: Yeah, could have been sooner.

Bartender: Fair point.

Hillary Clinton: Well, let us then tap our fists in friendship. Oh there, I’m just so darn bumped. All anyone wants to talk about is Donald Trump.

Bartender: Donald Trump? Isn’t he the one that’s like, [impersonating Donald Trump] “Uh, you’re all losers?”

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] That is him. That is him.

Bartender: I mean, do you think he will win the primaries?

Hillary Clinton: He must. I wanna be the one to take him down. I will destroy him and I will mount his hair in the Oval Office.

Bartender: Well, that’s kind of a lot. Maybe you should take a vacation.

Hillary Clinton: A va-cushion?

Bartender: a vacation.

Hillary Clinton: Va-can-change? What did you say?

Bartender: A vacation.

[Bill Clinton interrupts]

Bill Clinton: Did somebody say vacation?

[cheers and applause]

[Bill Clinton looks at Hillary Clinton and Bartender]

Oh, my god! They’re multiplying!

[Bill Clinton runs away]

Hillary Clinton: Well, I guess I should get going. But, this has been so nice. You are really easy to talk to.

Bartender: Oh, thanks. You know, that’s a first time I’ve ever heard that.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, Vale, Vale, I wish you could be president.

Bartender: Yeah, me too.

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: You know what, Vale, [music playing] I’ve learnt something from you tonight.

[singing] Sometimes in our lives

we all have pain, we all have sorrow

Hillary Clinton and Bartender: But, if we are wise

we know that there’s always tomorrow

Hillary Clinton: Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
Cecily: Hillary! Hillary! What are you doing?

Hillary Clinton: Oh, I was just hanging out with my best friend Vale.

[Hillary Clinton looks around]

Well, where is she?

Cecily: Um, there’s nobody here. I think you’ve had one too many, Hillary. Let’s go.

Hillary Clinton: No. She was real, and smart, and really nice in person.

Cecily: Okay, Hillary. Whatever you say.

Hillary Clinton: Where is she? [looks down] Wait, what’s this?

[Hillary Clinton picks up a sandal from the floor]

I hard tan business shoe. I was right. She is real.

[Hillary Clinton starts dancing alone.]

Summertime Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Jay Pharoah

Venessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Sasheer Zamata

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with two couples enjoying a picnic]

Kenan: Oh, gosh! What a perfect day for a picnic. It’s so nice out there.

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I’m just so glad it’s finally that time of year again. You know what I mean.

Bobby: I sure do.

[music playing]

[Cut to Cecily and Bobby]

Cecily: [singing] There’s a breeze in the trees and the suns on my knees that can only mean one little thing

Cecily and Bobby: It’s summer
I can’t believe it’s finally summer
no worries or cares
just fun everywhere
it’s summer, summer time

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer
I’m so happy that it’s summer
no more days spending tired
it’s time to unwind
it’s summer, summer time

[Hillary Clinton walks in and sits on the table]

Hillary Clinton: Hi. How are you?

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

May I have just a moment of your summer? Hello. I’m Hillary Clinton. I’m running for president of this United States.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: Yeah, but that’s not for a long time. Now it’s summer vacation.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Ah! My last vacation was in 1953. I played one round of hopscotch with a friend. I found it tedious. I mean, why hop when you can march… straight to the White House?

[Cut to everybody]

Cecily: Well, this summer, I’m going to a water park.

Leslie: And I’m going to Spain.

Hillary Clinton: Well, that’s fun. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] And I’m going to fertilize a plant to talk of immigrants about the dream act.

[music playing]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer, summer time!

[Cut to three three surfers with their surfing boards.]

Kyle: Dudes! The ocean looks so perfect.

Jay: Yeah, the waves are totally righteous.

Beck: They sure are. And you know why?

[music playing]

Surfers: [singing] It’s summer
the ocean’s perfect in summer
and this season’s my fav
let’s go catch some waves
it’s summer, summer time

[Hillary Clinton comes in dancing]

Hillary Clinton: Ay, there, 18 to 25 year olds. How does it all hang?

Jay: What?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton posing in front of Kyle’s board]

Hillary Clinton: God, I love summer. You know, fun fact about summer. You know Bernie Sanders? This is his 73rd one! [laughing by herself] I guess the old age thing is his narrative now. Will you summer kids help me spread that?

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Um, we were about to hit the waves.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: That’s cool. You know what else is cool? In two years, I’ll be 69. [Cut to everybody] Do you like that? Bill told me to tell that to young males.

Kyle: Cool! We gotta go. I can hear the ocean calling.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: And I can hear the screams of a dying middle class.

[music playing]

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: It’s summer, summer time

[Cut to Venessa and Taran cycling on the beach]

Venessa: Honey, I think this is the best day I’ve ever had.

Taran: I never wanted to end, summer I mean.

[music playing]

Venessa and Taran: [singing] It’s summer.
Hey, it’s finally summer
we’ve nothing to do
it’s just me and you

[Hillary Clinton starts running by their cycle]

It’s summer–

Hillary Clinton: Hi. Hillary Clinton. Hello. I love that tandem bike. If you elect me, I promise to work in tandem with congress.

Venessa: So, you’re running on the beach in a wall suit jacket. Aren’t you hot?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, I’m hot… for America. And I will run until I meet every voter alive. And then this November, I shall collect my reward.

Taran: Well, the election’s next November. So, you still have another summer of this.

[Hillary Clinton starts running faster than the cycle towards the camera]

Hillary Clinton: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Venessa and Taran: It’s summer, summer time!

[Cut to Aidy and Pete building sand castle]

Aidy: We’re gonna build the coolest biggest sand castle ever!

Pete: It’s gonna have a moat and everything.

[music playing]

Aidy and Pete: It’s summer
we’re so glad it’s finally summer
no homework or school
no teachers or rules

[Hillary Clinton walks n]

it’s summer, summer time!

Hillary Clinton: I love your sand castle.

Aidy: Thanks. It’s our dream house.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, neat! This is my dream house.

[Hillary Clinton shows a White House made out of sand.]

Right here. Look at that. Isn’t it fun? Why don’t you tell your parents to vote for me? Hillary Clinton.

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: Oh, they don’t like you.

[cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: What? Why not?

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Pete: I don’t know. They just don’t.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Well, what can I do moving forward to earn their vote?

[Cut to Aidy and Pete]

Aidy: Um, I think nothing coz they said they don’t like you, and they just never will.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton, Aidy and Pete]

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] What a fun thing to hear for almost 20 years.

[Hillary Clinton destroys Aidy and Pete’s sand castle.]

[music playing]

Hillary Clinton, Aidy and Pete: It’s summer, summer time.

[Cut to Sasheer with her friends putting on some sunscreen lotion.]

Sasheer: Wow, the sun is bright today girls. Better lotion up. I’ve got my arms but can someone help me reach my back?

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: I can do that.

[cheers and applause]

Sasheer: Wow, thanks Mr. President.

Bill Clinton: God, I love summer.

[music playing]

Sasheer and Bill Clinton: It’s summer
god I freaking love the summer

[Hillary Clinton walks in]

Hillary Clinton: Ah! Ah! No, no, no, no!

[Hillary Clinton pulls Bill Clinton away]

Bill Clinton: I’m sorry.

Hillary Clinton: Billary Rodham Clinton, what are you doing?

Bill Clinton: [speaking to Sasheer] It’s my mom! Sorry!

[Sasheer leaves]

Hillary Clinton: We’re supposed to be campaigning, Bill.

Bill Clinton: Come on, Hillary. I mean, don’t you ever just wanna have one chill peaceful day?

Hillary Clinton: Yes, of course I do. I have the perfect peaceful day planned. On the final day of my eight years as president, my soul will leave my body, shoot into the sky and become an eternal ball of bright white light. Then, and only then, shall I know peace.

Bill Clinton: Holy mother of Chelsea, ha-ha-ha.

[music playing]

[everybody walks in]

Everybody: It’s summer
everyone, enjoy your summer
sand under our feet
non-stop meet and greet
it’s summer, summer time!
it’s summer, summer time!
And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Hillary Clinton Election Video Cold Open

Christina… Venessa Bayer

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

[Starts with The Clinton Residence, Chappaqua, New York.]

Christina: Okay, tomorrow’s the big day, Mrs. Clinton.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton in the Clinton Residence.]

[cheers and applause]

You’re finally going to announce that you’re running for president.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, my gosh! I don’t know if I have it in me. I’m scared. I’m kidding. Let’s do this. Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Christina: [laughing] Oh, Hillary, you put the hill in hilarious. [Cut to Christina] Now, since we’re announcing your candidacy via social media, we thought it would be fun if you’d actually film the video yourself, on your own phone. [Christina pulls out an old generation mobile phone] That way it seems more personal and intimate.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Personal and intimate, yes. I better take off this jacket then.

[Hillary Clinton opens her coat.]

Christina: That’s much better. Now, I want you to do some vocal warm ups and then we’ll get started.

[Hillary Clinton is taking deep breaths.]

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Love to.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton]

[clears throat]

Hillary’s a granny with a twinkle in her eye.

Hillary’s a granny and she makes an apple pie.

First female president. First female president. Me, me, me, me, me, me.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

Christina: Graet, Mrs. Clinton. Okay, now hold up your phone. And you can just look natural.

Hillary Clinton: Okay.

[Cut to Hillary’s selfie video. She is making aggressive teeth face.]

Christina: Maybe, you wanna soften a little.

[Hillary Clinton closes her mouth a little]

Okay, a little more.

[Now, Hillary Clinton is just smiling]

Okay, maybe a lot more.

[Hillary Clinton is pouting]

Great, and action!

Hillary Clinton: [aggressive again] Citizens, you will elect me. I will be your leader.

Christina: Okay, great. [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] Let’s stop there.

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Okay.

Christina: Ma’am. I think you may be coming off. It’s just a little hard.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, shoot! What part?

Christina: Sort of, all of it. But that’s okay. Let’s try again. And remember, you said this new campaign is not about you, it’s about the people. So, let’s try one where you don’t say I or even your own name.

Hillary Clinton: Okay. Oh, that will be easy. Got it.

[Cut to selfie video of Hillary Clinton]

Hello, it is I, Hillary Clinton.

Christina: Let’s stop again.

[Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton]

You said ‘I’ and you full name immediately.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, oh shit! I did!

Christina: Yes, but don’t worry. We’ll just delete that one up your phone.

Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Know a thing or two about that, right?

[Christina and Hillary Clinton laugh]

Oh, Christina, meet my hand in the air.

[Hillary Clinton gives her hand for a high-five.]

Christina: Okay.

[They high-five]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you so much. Yes. Good, good.

Christina: Okay, let’s keep going. This time, maybe focus in all that you’ve done for women’s rights.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, okay. That’s good.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]
Hillary Clinton: I am running because I want to be a voice for women everywhere.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Did someone say women everywhere?

[cheers and applause]

Hillary Clinton: Oh, Bill. Hello, Bill. Ha-ha-ha.

Bill Clinton: Hillary would make a great President. And I would make an ever greater First Dude.

Hillary Clinton: Thank you Bill. It’s nice.

Bill Clinton: Hillary, isn’t it crazy that phones can take videos now?

Hillary Clinton: Yes.

Bill Clinton: I mean, if they could have done that in the 90s, I’d be in jail.

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Great Bill. I love jokes about that.

[Hillary Clinton pushes Bill Clinton away]

Bill Clinton: Okay. I get it. This election is about you. I don’t want to hold your limelight. I am leaving. Look at me go. Bye, I’m gone.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Hillary Clinton: Aren’t we such a fun approachable dynasty?

Christina: Alright, um… [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] you know what? Let’s refocus on your candidacy. And remember, the new Hillary is humble and gracious.

Hillary Clinton: Yes, got it.

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]

I know this election season won’t be easy. I’m sure I will face some stiff competition from my fellow democrats. People like Martin O’Malley who could really give me a run [starts laughing] I’m sorry I broke. It’s too funny. Martin O’Malley instead of me. He sounds like a Simpsons character. Aha-ha-ha-ha. Okay. Let me keep going. At the end of the day, America, you deserve a leader who cares about you. And that is why I would make a great president.

[Bill Clinton walks in again]

Bill Clinton: And surprise, I will be her VP. And if anything happens to her… god forbid, I will happily be president of the United States again. It will be Bill Clinton II, bigger and blacker.

Hillary Clinton: Oh, buddy! Bill, Bill!

Bill Clinton: Alright, okay.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Hillary Clinton: He’s joking, America. My vice president of course will be me.

Christina: Okay. [Cut to Christina and Hillary Clinton] Ma’am! Once again, you can’t be your own vice president.

Hillary Clinton: We will see about that.

Christina: Well, let’s just jump to the end of the speech, okay?

[Cut to Hillary Clinton’s selfie video]

Hillary Clinton: In closing, I am so excited for the next chapter in American history. And I promise that with Hillary Clinton in charge, it will be a brand new White House.

[Bill Clinton walks in again, this time playing a sax.]

Oh, who am I kidding? Buckle up America, coz the Clintons are back! And live from New York

Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton: It’s Saturday Night!

Trump Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Raquel… Chloe Fineman

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mikey Day

Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Lindsay Graham… Kate McKinnon

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

President Erdogan… Fred Armisen

[Starts with a video clip of Trump’s rally in Albuquerque, New Mexico.]

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to Donald Trump on his speech podium.]

Donald Trump: Hello and hello, New Mexico. By far, my favorite Mexico. So great to be here in the great city of Albacore, Tuna, Capital of the United States. I came back for a surprise rally because I heard they’re building a wall on the border of Colorado to keep the New Mexicans out. Can we bring out the map. Please?

[Raquel bring out a funny map]

As you can see, most of American is good. Except for the parts that are bad or lakes. I mean, what if we had put California in the ocean? Thank you, Raquel. Raquel is a former Miss Teen USA and our current secretary of energy.

[Raquel leaves]

As you know, my lying impeachment inquiry continues. And what is it really, folks?

Audience: A witch hunt!

Donald Trump: And there was absolutely no?

Audience: No collusion.

Donald Trump: No, the new one. There was no –

Audience: Quid pro quo.

Donald Trump: That’s right. No quid bro code. These democrats led by Adam Shifty-Schiff, he’s a real Schiff-head. It’s a deep-state conspiracy, and tonight I would like to bring up some of my loyal followers to explain what’s really happening in this country. First up, we have Christine from Los Crusas.

[Christine walks in wearing a shirt that says “Keem America Great Again.”]

Christine: Yes, I am. And I’m proud you asked me up here.

Donald Trump: I think you have a couple of typos on that shirt.

Christine: No, this was taken verbatim from one of your tweets, therefore it’s correct. The words need to change, because you said so, sir!

Donald Trump: Okay, explain to everyone what the dems are doing with this impeachment.

Christine: This man is under attack. It’s deep state lizard conspiracy. And everyone’s in on it. The CIA, the FBI, the MIC, the KEY and the M-O-U-S-E.

Donald Trump: Okay, thank you.

Christine: No, thank you, sir!

[Christine leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, okay. Who’s next? Who’s next.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: I am, sir. I’m with the bikers for Trump. And if they try to get rid of you, all of us bikers, we’re going to ride.

Donald Trump: What if they don’t try to get rid of me?

Mikey: We’re going to ride. Kind of the only thing we do.

Donald Trump: Right. And do you know why they’re doing this to me?

Mikey: I do, sir, because I watched it in a news machine. All this man did was shake down a foreign government to get dirt on his political enemy. I mean, is that wrong?

Audience: Yes!

Donald Trump: No, no, no, the answer is no.

Audience: Sorry, no!

Donald Trump: I forgive you. I forgive you. Here are some snickers and Juul pods.

[Raquel comes in to distribute snickers and Juul pods]

Mikey: Yeah, ha-ha!

Donald Trump: You’re welcome.

Mikey: Sir, I love you, and I don’t care what they say, I know it’s big.

[Mikey leaves]

Donald Trump: Let’s give another person up here, please.

[Aidy walks in]

Aidy: Yes. Yes, hello. I love you. And I worship you as the one true white lord!

Donald Trump: Thank you. What kind of real news have you heard out there?

Aidy: Oh, yeah, well, I heard that if you read the title of Michelle Obama’s “Becoming” backwards, it spells Me Mock Ebb, which I looked up in a witch thesaurus, and it’s a synonym for another witch word, SNART . And if you spell SNART backwards, that spells TRANS. So, yes! They’re coming for us.

Donald Trump: Okay. That’s a very smart point. You see, my father loved books except the new one anonymous book about me called “A Warning”. My lawyers told me not to say this, but if I find out who the author is , I’m going to shoot them in the face.

Aidy: And I would be honored if you use my gun.

[Aidy gives Donald Trump a gun]

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no, no. Thank you for coming.

[Donald Trump is pushing Aidy away]

Aidy: Well, the earth is flat and Beyonce is white!

[Aidy leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay, who’s next? You, sir, please.

[Pete comes in]

Pete: Oh, thank you.

Donald Trump: So great to see a young Trump supporter.

Pete: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

Donald Trump: And where are you from? New Mexico?

Pete: Isis! Yeah, I was a prisoner in Syria until last week when you freed me, so, I just wanted to say, thank you for bringing jobs back to ISIS. And I promise that I will make ISIS great again! Whoo!

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Terrific. What that great guy. ISIS is back in a big, big way. Folks, and we love that, don’t we? Okay. But, wait, who’s coming up now? Did security vet this guy?

[Lindsay Graham comes in]

Lindsay Graham: Mr. President, you know me. I’m Lindsey Graham.

Donald Trump: Lindsey, I’m so sorry. I thought you were a scoop of ice cream melting into a suit.

Lindsay Graham: I’m sweating profusely all the time. Even my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me.

Donald Trump: I have to thank you and the republicans for always defending me.

Lindsay Graham: Well, I am a true Southerner and I stand by my man.

Donald Trump: Well, thank you for coming. Sir?

Lindsay Graham: May I do a quick Soliloquy.

Donald Trump: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Lindsay Graham: Okay. [Cut to Lindsay Graham] [Sad music playing] I was always a shy child. I kept to myself mostly. My only friends were my glass elves. My Mamma said, go to typing school, so you can catch yourself a good husband, but I’m just so terribly shy. With my glass animals.

[Cut to Lindsay Graham and donald Trump]

[Lindsay Graham leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you. This is rare at my rallies. We’ve got someone from the tech world too in congress, in these congressional hearings, he got his ass completely owned by AOC. Which means he’s one of us now. Please welcome Mark Zuckerberg.

[Mark Zuckerberg walks in]

Mark Zuckerberg: Hello. Project. Eye contact. Friendly laugh. Ha!

Donald Trump:  Mark, I want to thank Facebook for running our Russian campaign for us.

Mark Zuckerberg: Ha! Facebook isn’t pro-Russia, it’s just not anti-Russia. Ha!

Donald Trump: I’m sure that nuance will really register with the people.

Mark Zuckerberg: Look, Facebook only cares about the truth. That’s why we’ve created an independent fact-checking review broad that’s extremely rigorous.

[Pete walks in]

Pete: Oh, yeah, I’m on that. It’s dope. I let everything through.

[Pete leaves]

Donald Trump: Thank you, Zuckman!

Mark Zuckerberg: Angry dab!

[Mark Zuckerberg leaves]

Donald Trump: And this gentlemen has been waiting patiently, all night to say something. Yes, sir, please come up here.

[Bill Clinton walks in]

Bill Clinton: Yes, hello, America.

Donald Trump: Bill Clinton, everybody! Why are you—Bill, why are you at a Trump Rally?

Bill Clinton: Is that what this is? I just followed the party. But, man, I wish I would have known that a president could be on the road like this, doing rallies. Can you imagine? Oh, my lord, I would never come home.

Donald Trump: But, Bill, you know I’m getting impeached, right?

Bill Clinton: You are? You dirty dog.

Donald Trump: No, no, it’s not for that. They don’t mind when I do that. Trust me.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is progress.

[Bill Clinton leaves]

Donald Trump: Okay. Okay, thanks, Bill. I want to bring up a new friend of mine. President Erdogan of Turkey.

[President Erdogan walks in]

President Erdogan: It’s so great to see you, Donald. Come on, give it Turkey some gravy. Ha-ha.  Don’t worry, we’re treating the kurds really well.

Donald Trump: Great stuff. Erdogan and I are such good friends now.

President Erdogan: Yes, it’s like when Franco and Mussolini would take vacations together.

Donald Trump: Of course. Some people like our generals or the generals, as I call them, are mad that we pulled out of Syria.

President Erdogan: Usually people are mad when you don’t pull out. \

Donald Trump: The guy’s incredible. But, again, I have nothing to gain financially from this decision.

President Erdogan: Now, how would he profit from this? He’s a terrible business man and very poor.

Donald Trump: Well, no, actually, I’m rich.

President Erdogan: Yeah, right, you only have one, 100 billion?

Donald Trump: Well, Not exactly, but it’s definitely billions.

President Erdogan: He’s being modest. I’m sure it’s more than that. Show them your tax returns.

Donald Trump: Thank you so much for stopping by.

President Erdogan: And we’re still working on getting that dirt on Biden, but I wanted to throw out that we could just make him disappear.

Donald Trump: No, no, we don’t want to do that.

President Erdogan: Are you sure? It’s nothing big, went do it all the time?

Donald Trump: No, no, no, but it’s so nice of you to offer, really.

President Erdogan: Okay, then turn the oven off, because this turkey’s done.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”

Political Musical | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Performer 1…..Aidy Bryant

Performer 2…..Kate McKinnon

Performer 3…..Kyle Mooney

Audience 1…..Beck Bennett

Performer 4…..Melissa Villaseñor

Audience 2…..Chris Redd

Performer 5: Alex Moffat

Audience 3…..Heidi Gardner

Audience 4…..Mikey Day

[ Images of Broadway in NYC. ]

Announcer: It’s New York City, and Broadway’s the place to be. But why not go off-Broadway where they’re not afraid to go there. [ Cut to a screen that reads “Not afraid to GO THERE.”] Introducing ‘Divided We Stand.’ [ Cut to the outside of a theatre with ‘Divider We Stand’ on the marquee. ] A new musical [ Cut to the stage where the performers are ending a song. ] that dives head first into our current political climate.

[ Cut to Performer 1 walking onto the stage holding a suitcase and shawl around herself. ]

Performer 1: Ay dios mio. My country is no good. I need, como se dice, American Dream?

Announcer: In a show that can only be described as definitely written by the actors.

Performer 1: [ She begins to sing. ] Adios Venezuela. I’m finally on my way. Bienvenidos, America. And hello, Broadway. Broadway!

Announcer: ‘Time-Out New York’ calls it [ Cut to news headlines. ] “dangerously oversimplified” and “literally helping no one.”

[ Cut to Performer 2 singing. She is sitting with Performer 3 who joins her in song. ]

Performer 2: Border control, birth control, it’s all out of control.

Performer 2 & 3: I need another cup of coffee. [ They kiss. ]

[ Cut to Audience member 1 viewing the show, then responding to an interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I guess the worst part of the play was their confidence in it.

[ Cut to the stage where six women are singing. ]

Performer 1, 2, & 4: Me too, me too, and you, and you, and you. It’s happened to all of us, how do you do? Me too, me too, me too.

[ Cut to more headlines about the play. ]

Announcer: “Jesus Christ,” says the New York Times, and “I don’t need to tell you, the cast was all white.”

[ Cut to Audience 2 looking at the program while viewing the play, then he is in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 2: They wrote in the cast list what makes them diverse and one person said, “Parents divorced.” And, that’s not for me.

[ Cut to Performer 5 rapping on stage, while performer 3 is beat-boxing. ]

Performer 5: Trump blames violence on the fake news media. Rewriting history like we read Wikipedia. War, troops, and hella pollution, what’s next 3D print the Constitution?

[ Cut to Audience 2 walking out on the play. ]

Announcer: Playbill.com writes “I was wondering why one guy had three separate raps and then I realized he was also the director.”

[ Cut to Audience 1 at his interview in the lobby. ]

Audience 1: I’m actually dating a girl in the show.

[ Cut to Performer 4 dressed as a sexy Statue of Liberty. She is singing. ]

Performer 4: I am the Statue of Liberty, and there’s no way you’re getting into me.

[ Cut back to Audience 1 interviewing. ]

Audience 1: Umm, I think this might be it for us.

[ Cut to the cast on stage all singing and smiling. ]

Announcer: You’ll walk away wondering whose parents paid for this?

Performer 1, 2, 3, 4, & 5: Vote with your heart. Vote with a song. Vote with the notes, sing it loud and long. Show me the cast of ballot. Yeah, we could go to the polls. But what if we just sang? What if we just sang? We don’t have to do a thing, but siiiiiiinnnnggggggg. [ Performer 1 & 2 hold the last note in an attempt to sing longer than the other. ]

[ Cut to Audience 3 & 4 in the lobby responding to an interview. ]

Audience 3: I think that last song was telling us not to vote.

[ Cut to the title screen for ‘Divided We Stand’ which is the title with a broken heart behind it. The heart is filled in with the USA flag print. ]

Announcer: Now playing at the Mariska Hargitay Theatre. Tickets are $140?!

Jonah Hill Five-Timers Monologue | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Jonah Hill

…..Tina Fey

…..Drew Barrymore

…..Candice Bergen

…..Kenan Thompson

[ The SNL main stage where the house band is playing. ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Hill.

[ Jonah Hill walks out to center stage. ]

Jonah: Hey. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. I am so thrilled to be back here at Saturday Night Live hosting for more my fifth time. That’s right. TOnight I am joining the five-timers club among SNL royalty, like, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Justin Timberlake. I mean this has been a dream of mine since the fourth time I hosted. But I am honestly looking forward to getting the five-timers jacket. Maybe there’s matching pants, I don’t know.

[ Tina Fey walks onto stage. ]

Tina Fey: Hey Jonah! [ They greet with a hug and cheek kisses. ] Okay. It’s a big night. Wow, you look so nice. Don’t mind me. Was it hard walking down here in your heels? No, just me? Anyway, welcome to the Five-Timers Club.

Jonah: Oh my God, thank you fellow five-timer.

Tina Fey: Ahh, don’t say it, just be it. And listen when we get to the five-timers lounge, just, be cool.

Jonah: Oh my God, we’re going to the five-timers lounge?

Tina Fey: Jonah! [ She motions for him to take it down a notch. ]

Jonah: Right, sorry. Let’s go. You got it. [ They walk off stage together. ]

[ Cut to a door that says ‘Five Timers Club’ on it. ]

[ Jonah and Tina Fey walk through the door into the lounge. ]

Tina Fey: Alright, Jonah. Here it is, the Five-Timers Club.

[ Drew Barrymore and Candice Bergen are waiting in the lounge wearing Five-Timers blazers like the one Tina Fey has on. ]

Jonah: Wow, Drew Barrymore, Candice Bergen, I can’t believe it. Amazing.

Drew Barrymore: You get your butt in here, Jonah.

Candice Bergen: Welcome to the Five-Timers Club, Seth.

Jonah: Oh no, I’m not Seth Rogen. No, I’m actually Jonah Hill.

Candice: And that’s not the same guy?

Jonah: Ha, ha. Hazing the new guy. I know you’re very familiar with my work, Candy.

Candice: Sure.

Jonah: So it’s, uh, kind of a light turn-out is it? Ladies night or something?

Drew: What do you mean?

Jonah: No, I…I was just, like, wondering where, where all the men are?

Tina: Oh the guys? Oh they’re not allowed in right now ‘cause it turns out they’re all a bunch of horny perverts. Time’s up on that.

Drew: Yeah, we have to be very careful about which famous men we let in here.

Jonah: You’re kidding, yeah?

Drew: It’s like Tom Hanks, Woody from Toy Story. [ She imitates Woody. ] “There’s a snake in my boot.” Yeah, I think we all know what that means.

Tina: And Steve Martin was always like, ‘Mind if I play the banjo?’ And then he would just like start playing. Like, no consent.

Candice: And Justin Timberlake ripped a lady’s top off at the Super Bowl. I mean, did anybody else see that?

Jonah: Bummer. Hey, this is still great. This is still good.

Drew: Alright, let’s get this party started. Do you wants something to drink?

Candice: Oh, hey. Uh, or smoke?

Jonah: No, I’m good. I’m about to host. I want to stay sharp for the show.

Candice: Ha ha. Cool, nerd. Uh, last time I hosted, I was blacked out. Oh speaking of which, I need a refill. Uh, can I get another Pete Davidson, please.

Jonah: What’s a Pete Davidson?

Candice: Well, all I know is it’s got a lot going on but it gets the job done.

[ Kenan Thompson walks out holding a drink. ]

Kenan: Here you go Candy.

Candice: Thanks, Kenan.

Jonah: Wait, Kenan, they let you in here sometimes?

Kenan: Ha, yeah man, this is my show. I let you in here sometimes. [ He takes Candice’s empty glass and walks off stage. ]

Drew: Alright, Jonah, in honor of you we all chose our favorite sketch of yours. [ She grabs a remote and points it at the TV. ]

[ Cut to a sketch between Jonah and Cecily Strong. ]

Jonah (sketch): Okay, okay, okay. I did it. I clogged the toilet and then later in the day, I went on top of the clog.

Jonah: I did more than just bathroom humor.

Candice: But that’s where you shined.

Jonah: You guys are so fun. I am so excited. I just want a jacket right now.

Drew: Wait, you wanna do what?

Jonah: No, no! I want a jacket. A jack-et. A Five-Timers Jack-et!

Tina: Jonah, you gotta be careful. Alright, let’s get this guy a jacket.

Candice: Uh, Kenan! [ Kenan walks back on stage with a Five-Timers jacket. ]

Drew: And you’re in luck, because, uh. We just came up with a brand new design this year. [ Kenan removes Jonah’s jacket and puts the new jacket on Jonah. ]

Jonah: Oh wow. [ The jacket is like the others but with a lot more sequins. ]

Tina: Yes, yes. [ She helps Jonah button the jacket. ] It’s official. Let’s make it official.

Jonah: Is this, is this like a women’s jacket?

Tina: Any jacket can be a women’s jacket. It’s 2018. Okay? Plus, it looks really cute on you.

Jonah: Is it like flattering?

Drew: Are you kidding? You’re crushing it.

Candice: I’d hit that.

Jonah: Wow, thank you, Candy. I’m truly excited. We got a great show for you here tonight. Maggie Rogers is here. Just stick around and we’ll be right back.

KCR News | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Tina Shepard…..Leslie Jones

Blake Boyhair…..Kenan Thompson

Drew Mellencamp…..Cecily Strong

Matt…..Jonah Hill

Terry…..Aidy Bryant

[ KCR News intro. ]

Announcer: You’re watching KCR News on KCR 1. And now, back to Albany’s favorite news team. Tina Shepard and Blake Boyhair.

[ Cut to KCR news desk where Tina and Blake are sitting and chuckling. ]

Blake: Oh, welcome back, folks. Tina and I are laughing because she drew a very realistic penis right on the desk.

Tina: He dared me. He dared me.

Blake: Actually, I asked you not to do it. [ Tina is laughing hysterically. ] Anyway, let’s go to Drew Mellencamp with the weather. Drew, what’s up?

[ Cut to Drew. ]

Drew: Hey guys. Get this. So, I was running late as usual. I was driving here, and out of nowhere, I hit somebody.

Tina: What?!

Blake: Are they okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s fine. The car’s a Volvo. The thing’s a freakin’ tank. Yeah, yeah, it’s all good. But unfortunately, I do have some bad news. It looks like that cold front is heading our way.

Tina & Blake: Drew!

Tina: How could you?

Blake: Don’t do that to us!

Drew: Sorry guys. It’s not getting any warmer anytime soon.

[ Matt walks onto the stage next to Drew holding a bouquet. ]

Matt: I think, I have just the thing to warm things up.

Drew: What? Matt, why are you at my work?

Tina: [ She looks shocked. ] Is this…?

Blake: I think it is. [ He looks excited. ] I hope I don’t cry.

Tina: I hope you don’t either.

Matt: Baby, I know I’m not the smartest guy on Earth. I know I don’t have a job at the moment, or for the past two years. But none of this matters, because being with you the past six months.

Drew: Three months.

Matt: It’s six, baby.

Drew: No, it’s three. Because we were not exclusive the first three.

Matt: You were not, I was. The point is, you’re the best damn thing that has ever happened to me. So, I have one thing to ask you…

Drew: My answer is no.

Matt: You don’t even know what I’m going to ask.

Drew: No, I do. And you promised you wouldn’t, so don’t…

Matt: Here we go, I know you’re scared.

Drew: Stop.

Matt: So that’s why [ He gets down on one knee and presents her with the bouquet. ]

Stop.

Matt: I had to spring it

Drew: Stand up.

Matt: on you baby.

Drew: No-oh. I’m gonna do the weather now. [ She walks away from Matt who is kneeled before her. She walks away and in front of a green screen which is displaying the 5-Day Forecast. ] So. Weather. That cold front from Canada hits us on.. [ Hip-hop music begins to play. ] What is this music? This better not be music for a rap.

[ Matt walks up to Drew, and since he is wearing a green shirt his body disappears in front of the green screen. He is only a head and a hand holding the bouquet. ]

Matt: [ He begins to rap. ] I have a forecast for the rest of my life. Partly happy, with a chance of man and wife.

Blake: Oh no, he chose to wear green.

Tina: And he’s in front of the green screen. He just looks like a floating head.

Matt: So Drew, what you gonna do? Say yes. What you gonna do?

Drew: Oh, Matt. [ She does not look pleased. ]

Matt: Baby, look at the screen. Look what it says. [ The words ‘MARY ME’ appear on the screen below Drew and Matt. ]

Drew: Matt, you spelled marry wrong.

Matt: What do you mean?

Drew: You spelled it like the name.

Matt: I was in a rush. I was excited.

Drew: Matt, you promised not to do this. Especially on TV, at my job.

Matt: I know, but it’s called crossing your fingers, dummy. And I’m not the only one who thinks it’s a great idea. Your mom, Terry, is totally on board.

Drew: Terry? Are you talking about my birth mother who’s in jail?

Matt: Not since Friday!

[ Terry walks onto the stage between Drew and Matt. She is wearing a dirty sweatshirt. ]

Terry: Hey sweetie. How’s it going?

Drew: You’re not allowed to have…

Terry: Nah, let me have a hug.

Drew: No, you can’t have any contact.

Terry: Come on. Could I have four hundred bux?

Drew: No!

Terry: Alright, well then good luck being married to this bitch. [ Terry walks off the stage. ]

Matt: I can’t wait. Come on, baby. I’m just a guy, standing here on Wednesday, asking my favorite weather gal to marry him. So what do you say?

Drew: No, Matt. I’m sorry. I’m just gonna push through with the weather. So, I’m sorry. I’m’… So, as you can see it’s mostly cloudy and cool at the beginning of the week. Damn it, Matt. Matt, wait!

[ Drew runs away from the green screen to the front of the news desk, where Tina and Blake are sitting, greeting Matt. ]

Drew: Yes! Yes, you big dummy. Of course, I’ll marry you. The reason I didn’t want you to ask me on air, was because I wanted to ask you on air.

Matt: Are you serious?

Drew: Umm, does this look serious? Guys, come out. [ Tina and Blake stand up. They are wearing shirts that read, ‘He Said YES.’ Dancers waltz out behind the newscasters. ]

Matt: Oh my God. Are they about to sing? [ Music is playing, ‘Colors of the Wind.’ ]

Drew: You’re favorite song, ‘Colors of the Wind,’ from Pocahontas. Yes.

Blake: [ He begins to sing and red balloons fall from the ceiling. ] Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?

Matt: You did all this for me?

Blake: Or ask the grinning bobcat why he grins?

Drew: Of course, why else wouldn’t I just say yes immediately?

Blake: Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?

Tina: Up next, police searching for a female driver of a Volvo suspected in a hit-and-run. But isn’t this beautiful?

Blake: Can you paint with all the colors…

[ Cut to KCR News Albany outro. ]

Weekend Update: Trump Deploys Troops to Stop Migrant Caravan | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Michael Che

…..Colin Jost

[ Weekend Update intro. ]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[ Cut to Colin and Michael at the news desk. ]

COLIN JOST: Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

MICHAEL CHE: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

COLIN JOST: And I’m Colin Jost. President Trump announced that he would deploy more than 15,000 troops to the US-Mexico border to stop a migrant caravan from entering the country. Meanwhile, a second migrant caravan just pulled up to landscape Mar-a-Lago. They’re calling this mission to the border ‘Operation Faithful Patriot’ which sells like a company that sells reverse mortgages and catheters. And fun fact, ‘faithful patriot’ is also what Mike Pence yells out during sex.

MICHAEL CHE: You know who’s getting off way to easy in all of this? It’s Canada. I mean there’s two borders on this country, but they’re only stopping Mexicans. Meanwhile, you know how easy it is to get into this country from white ass Canada? I bet Drake just uses the Tim Hortons Card. Old white people have the strangest fears. I mean of all the things that should actually scare them: salt, stairs, bathtubs, Joel Osteen. Why are you freaking out about Mexicans? I mean if anything you need to send the troops to stop your grandkids from stealing all your pain pills.

COLIN JOST: Trump campaign has launched a new ad with the slogan: “Things are getting better, we can’t go back.” Now, in my experience, a good way to tell that things are not getting better is if someone feels the need to tell you things are getting better. For example, the subway is full of ads about how the subway is improving. And I know because I read these ads when I’m trying to not make eye contact with a guy taking a dump in a clear plastic bag. That said, it’s still better than the Democrats midterm slogan: “Oh man, are we gonna blow this again?”

MICHAEL CHE: The midterms are Tuesday, and this election will probably come down to people who never vote. Like, me. Personally, I’m saving myself for someone special. I just think everybody’s vote should count the same. There’s no way my vote should count as much as Obama’s. If two doctor’s don’t agree on the diagnosis, they don’t just turn to the janitor and say, ‘you wanna break this tie, Carl?’ I am going to vote this time, though, because people tell me this is the most important one. Then again, they said that the last time. I mean it’s like getting a bill that says Final Notice, it’s never the final notice. If it were, you’d be like, cool I guess I just went to college for free then, bitch. I know a lot of white liberals are probably watching this and blaming me for not voting. But it’s not my fault, okay. They’re the ones wasting their vote in places like New York. They’re not ever from here. If you really want to make a difference, go back to Ohio, Megan. Or wherever your parents are paying your rent from, and vote there. That’s what counts. You know how those red states stay so red? By sending all their liberal kids to coastal cities to study improv.

COLIN JOST: Oprah Winfrey also went door-to-door in Georgia to campaign for Democratic candidate Stacey Abrams. Which is great. But can you imagine how disappointed you would be if Oprah showed up at your door and it was just to discuss politics? I mean look at this woman in Georgia opening her door for Oprah. She definitely thinks she’s getting a new car. And not a pamphlet about Stacey Abrams. It’s like if you’re a kid and Santa comes down your chimney on Christmas eve, with no presents, just a pamphlet about Stacey Abrams. Former President Obama was in Florida Thursday preaching a message of hope and unity. Okay, but did he know that he was speaking in Florida? In Florida, Hope is just the name of stripper who took bath salts and bit off her neighbor’s face. And face it, the whole idea of unity went out the window two years ago. I mean, Ben & Jerry’s is releasing a new flavor called, ‘Pecan Resist,’ to honor people who protest the Trump Administration. It’s never a great sign for democracy when ice cream is taking sides.

America’s Got Talent: Wait, They’re Good? | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

Howie Mandel…..Kyle Mooney

Mel B…..Ego Nwodim

Heidi Klum…..Kate McKinnon

Simon Cowell…..Beck Bennett

Stacy…..Melissa Villaseñor

Debra…..Jonah Hill

Wilderness Contestant…..Cecily Strong

Sheila…..Leslie Jones

Levander…..Kenan Thompson

[ America’s Got Talent title. ]

Announcer: America’s Got Talent!

[ Cut to AGT Judges at their desk with the AGT audience clapping behind them. ]

Mel B: Hello, my love. What’s your name, dear?

[ Cut to the AGT stage where Stacy is waiting nervously for her chance to audition. ]

Stacy: Um, Stacy. [ Nervous giggle. ] I’m so nervous. I’ve never sang in front of people, ever.

Mel B: Well, this feels like a complete waste of time. But, alright, go ahead, dear.

Stacy: [She starts singing Lady Marmalade. ] More, more, mooooorrrrrrre.

[ Cut to the judges looking surprised and entertained. The audience is giving a standing ovation behind them. ]

[ Cut to the AGT audience all beginning to stand up and give a roaring standing ovation. ]

Announcer: Wasn’t that cool? You never thought it would work out, but then suddenly, it did. [ Cut to AGT logo. ] Over the years, America’s Got Talent, has had so many of these moments. [ Several surprising moments from AGT are shown as clips as the announcer speaks. ] And now, we put them into one special. ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’ See the performances begin like one thing [ An elderly couple is holding hands on the audition stage. ] Then woah-oh, there’s something else. [ Cut to the elderly couple now freak dancing on the stage. ]

[ Cut to Heidi Klum at the judge’s table. ]

Heidi: Hello, tell us your name.

[ Cut to Debra on the audition stage. He is dressed like a cowboy. ]

Debra: My name’s Debra, ma’am.

Heidi: Welcome, Debra. I hear you have some music for us.

Debra: Music, ma’am?

Heidi: Music. You’ve never heard the music?

Debra: I can’t say I have.

Heidi: Wow. Well, go ahead. Give it a shot.

Debra: Thank you, ma’am. [ The music starts and Debra starts to perform, Go Go Go Joseph. ] Go, go, go Joseph. You know what they say. Hey now Joseph, you’ll make it someday. Sha la la Joseph, you’re doing just fine. You and your dreams are ahead of your time. Go, go, go.

[ Cut to the AGT audience cheering wildly and giving a standing ovation. ]

Announcer: You didn’t think he could sing, did you? You monster! And look at Howie Mandel. [ Cut to Howie looking overly surprised and joyous. ] It’s like he’s never seen this before. But he actually has, a lot. [ Cut to the AGT logo. ] The ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’special has every moment.

[ Cut to Howie at the judges’ table. ]

Howie: So it says here that you were raised alone deep in the wilderness, like Jodie Foster’s character in that movie, “Nell”?

[ Cut to the contestant on stage in a nightgown. She is hunched over and waving her arms. ]

Wilderness Contestant: [ She speaks in a caveman like gibberish. ]

Howie: Great. We are you friends. Please. Make. Perform.

Wilderness Contestant: [ She sits on a stool and begins to sing, ‘Send in the Clowns’. ] Isn’t it rich? Are we a pair? [ Cut to Heidi looking bewildered then back to the wilderness contestant. ] Me here at last on the ground, you in mid air. [ Cut to the judges looking surprised and pleased. The audience is giving a standing ovation behind them. ]

Howie: What!!! This is crazy!!!

[ Cut back to the wilderness contestant. ]

Wilderness Contestant: Send in the clowns.

[ Cut to the AGT audience giving a standing ovation. ]

Announcer: And there goes the audience again. They genuinely didn’t see it coming. Even though they seen this guy, [ Cut to a man on stage. ] and this girl, [ Cut to a woman on stage. ] and even this. [ Cut to a dog on stage. ] And the moments just get more special. [ Cut to the AGT logo. ]

[ Cut to Simon at the judge’s table. ]

Simon: Oh dear, who are you?

[ Cut to Sheila on stage. She is standing next to her husband Levander who appears to be in a coma. ]

Sheila: My name is Sheila Block and this is my husband, Levander. He always wanted to audition, but he’s in a coma.

Simon: Oh my God. I’m so sorry. May I ask why did you bring him on stage?

Sheila: Well sir, I was hoping I could sing his song for him. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

Simon: Certainly. It seems like something every normal person would do. Off you go.

[ The music starts for ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’. Sheila is dancing in place waiting for the cue, but instead Levander comes to life and begins to sing.]

Levander: Ain’t no mountain high. Ain’t no valley low. [ He takes off his hospital gown to reveal a sparkly outfit; Sheila also removes her dress to reveal a matching sparkly outfit. ] Ain’t no river wide enough baby. [ Cut to Howie screaming, ‘Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ then back to the couple singing on stage. ]

Sheila: If you need me call me. No matter where you are. No matter how far.

Sheila & Levander: Don’t worry baby.

Sheila: Just call my name. I’ll be there in a hurry. You don’t have to worry. [ Two dancers start dancing behind the singing couple. ]

Sheila & Levander: ‘Cause baby there ain’t no mountain high enough. Ain’t no valley low enough. Ain’t no river wide enough. To keep me from getting to you, babe.

[ Cut to the judges looking shocked and happy. Heidi is raising her hand. ]

[ Cut to the AGT logo. ]

Announcer: The ‘America’s Got Talent. Wait, They’re Good?’ Special. This Sunday at nine.