Murdur Durdur

Alex Moffat

Care… Kate McKinnon

Policeman… Bowen Yang

Owen… Beck Bennett

Woman… Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a movie intro. Alex and Care are investigating a murder]

Male voice: In a small town somewhere between New York and DC.

Alex: County sent me to see this investigation.

Male voice: Comes another story of grizzled lady detective.

Care: Cell me Care. Everybody else does.

Bowen: A jogger found the body over there.

Alex: What do we know so far?

Care: I don’t know we know. All I know is what we don’t know.

Male voice: With a very specific accent.

[Care looks at the dead body’s face]

Care: Oh, no. I know her. It’s Owen’s dudur (daughter).

Alex: Durdur?

Care: Did I stir? The durdur has been murdered.

Alex: Oh, daughter.

Male voice: You’ve seen dead teens in New York, Chicago and Boston. But what about another city with very specific white? Pennsylvania whites.

[Two police officers ad eating

Care: Would you quit eating wawa hoagies over the body, please?

Police officers: Sorry, boss.

Male voice: From the makers of “Mare of Easttown” and “It’s always sunny in Philadelphia”, comes–

[Owen comes in]

Owen: No. Is it my durdur?

Care: Owen, she’s murdered.

Owen: They murdered my durdur?

Care: I’m afraid so.

Owen: [falls on his knees] My durdur! My baby durdur, and they murdered her!

Male voice: Murder Durdur, an extremely Pennsylvania crime show.

Care: I’m going to Yngling to take the edge off.

Owen: Oh, thanks Care.

Male voice: Highly accurate”, says the Delco-Daily. “The writers clearly googled. They knew the foods and the towns.”

[The detectives are looking at the map]

Bowen: Thur in this third matches the stin down the Daninton.

Care: The roras for Pesho Casen.

Bowen: Pesco cho hankin?

Care: No, Pesho Casen. Over by the Jangoff bridge.

Alex: Great. And you guys can spell that for me later?

Male voice: Starring an actress with a messy ponytail that says “Forget, I’m actually British.”

[Cut to Care interrogating a woman]

Care: Mandi (Monday) night, how did she get hum (home).

Woman: I told you. She got um on her own.

Care: Show me your phone.

Woman: Fine. But I ain’t murder no one’s durdur. I have no idea how she ended up in the wooter (water).

Care: What wooter?

Male voice: The New York time says, “So authentically Pennsylvania, I’m assuming. Absolutely everyone was related to each other.”

Bowen: Look, Care, I know why you’re a cop. Because your pop was a cop. And your pop pop was a cop. And your pop pop’s pop pop was the original Philly fanatic. It’s not your fault your son drowned in the schuylkill on purpose.

Alex: How does he know all that?

Care: Because he is my cousint (cousin). And he’s my cousint [pointing at another guy]. And that’s my ex-husbands (husband) [pointing at another guy]. And that girl–

Heidi: Hey, Care.

Alex: Let me guess, your cousint?

Care: No. It’s my grandurr.

Alex: Granddaughter? How old are you?

Care: I’m Philly 40.

Male voice: Constantly overcast. A creek and three bad homes. And moments of true suspense.

[Alex and Care are in the woods at night with flash lights. They hear something moving.]

Alex: Wait, is that the killer?

Care: No, that’s just Gritty.  [Someone’s wearing full Gritty costume and running way] Hey, Gritty, go flyers! [Gritty waves his hand] [Cut to Owen walking into the police station]

Owen: Cap, I’m going to murder whoever murdered my durdur.

Care: Owen. I don’t know who did your durdur’s murder, alright?

[a pastor walks in with a girls bicycle]

Pastor: I need some help. I’m father Delbert, you durdur and I were friends.

Care: Oh! Okay. So, he did it. He is the durdur murderer.

Pastor: You got me.

Male voice: Murdur durdur, this is where Joe Biden is from. Wow.

Gen Z Hospital

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Nurse… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Doctor… Elon Musk

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the thrilling conclusion of Gen Z Hospital.

[Cut to three people waiting in a hospital]

Mikey: Well, nobody’s telling us anything, is bestie going to be okay?

Ego: Nurse, we demand to know how our bestie is doing.

[nurse is wearing pink outfit and she had her hair dyed pink]

Nurse: I’m sorry, bro, I told you I don’t have that information yet.

Kate: Bro, seriously?

Bowen: I’m so pressed right now, bro.

Nurse: Don’t be pressed. Doctor will be in shortly, bro. Dead ass.

Heidi: Yo! If this doctor keeps leaving us on red, he’s going to catch hands on gang.

Ego: Na, na, it’s gonna be okay. Bestie cannot die like this.

Mikey: Big facts. She’s gonna make it, bro.

Kate: There’s the doctor now.

[doctor walks out]

Doctor: Is this Mogan’s squad?

Bowen: Gang, gang.

Kate: Doctor, please tell us what’s up with our bestie?

Doctor: You all might wanna sit down. What I have to say right now would be a little cringe.

Heidi: Just give us the tea.

Doctor: Okay. Well, as you may have seen it on our live, your bestie took a major L while driving her hellcat.

Bowen: Yeah, we saw.

Doctor: We tried everything we could in surgery and it was a sus for a while. But we have your bestie on our machine and we’re doing everything we can.

Kate: So, bestie is going to be okay, right?

Doctor: I’m sorry, but at this particular time, that’s looking like cap.

Mikey: Bro!

Heidi: Bro, can we see her?

Doctor: Unfortunately, not right now, bro. You know the vibes. But I promise if anything changes, I’ll pull up.

Mikey: Say less, bro.

Ego: And thank you, doctor. You a real one.

Kate: We stan you.

Doctor: And I stan you. I can only imagine the feels you’re going through right now. if you’ll excuse me.

Mikey: Bro! I’m extra salty right now. How could bestie be so irresponsible?

Bowen: Yo, millions of people flip their hellcat on live everyday cuh!

Ego: Yeah, you know that could have happened to anyone in the game.

Ego: I know, but when it’s bestie, it just hits different.

Mikey: Yeah, specially since bestie is my mom.

Bowen: Yo, she’s not just your mom.

Heidi: She is all our work moms.

Kate: Exactly. But please, go off, king.

Mikey: But she’s actually my mother, bro. So, it’s like a little different.

Ego: High key, it’s not though.

Bowen: Yeah. Take several seats respectfully, flaw!

Kate: Look, the doctor’s coming back in.

Doctor: Hey guys, so, big yikes. While I was out here trumping up with you, your bestie took a turn for the worst.

Mikey: Bro!

Heidi: You capping!

Doctor: Unfortunately, no cap. She’s literally dead right now.

Kate: So, she’s laughing?

Bowen: That’s good news.

Doctor: No. I mean she’s literally dead. Dead dead.

All: Bro!

Bowen: I pretend I do not hear it.

Heidi: Bro! I am so done right now!

Mikey: I am so dead that she is dead. Can we see her?

Doctor: Of course, but please, try not to get all extra. Sis?

[Nurse walks in with an urn]

Mikey: Bro, you already cremated her?

Doctor: No, this is empty.

Nurse: This just looks way better for the gram than a dead body.

Kate: That urn is really iconic.

Bowen: Fire.

Doctor: Take all the time you need.

[Doctor passes the urn to Mikey]

Mikey: Thanks, bro. I guess we should all say something, right? It’s the unconditional support and being a great mom for me.

Bowen: It’s the having 200,000 followers for me.

Kate: It’s the always doing donuts in your hellcat for me.

Heidi: It’s letting NBA Young Boy smasher all-star weekend for me.

Ego: It’s the “always bringing back henny from vacation” for me.

Doctor: Well, I don’t know. But it’s “I have full coverage” for me.

Mikey: That was beautiful, doctor bro. Alright, let’s get a pic. Come on. Crowd in.

[They all take a group selfie.]

Lesbian Period Drama

Doctor… Alex Moffatt

Husband… Beck Bennett

Carey Mulligan

Heidi Gardner

Rex… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man bringing his wife to a doctor. It looks like an ancient village.]

Doctor: Come in, sir.

Husband: Thank you, doctor. It’s my wife.

Doctor: What’s wrong with her?

Husband: She is a bummer.

Female voice: In the 19th century dark, cold, seaside town comes the story of an unlikely connection.

[the doctor uses stethoscope on the wife]

Doctor: She’s medically upset.

Husband: What can we do, doctor?

Doctor: She needs seagull sound, gray hair and long rocky walks.

Husband: I’ll see you in two months.

Carey: You’re leaving me?

Husband: Yes. With her. [there’s a lady there]

Heidi: I’m your female companion.

Female voice: From the makers of “Portrait of a lady on fire”  and “Ammonite”, comes a new award-winning film, “Lesbian Period Drama”. Another film that isn’t afraid to ask – will these lesbians be lesbians together?

[Carey and Heidi walk pass by both holding candles in their hands]

Carey: Hello.

Heidi: Hello.

Carey: Hello.

Female voice: Starring two straight actresses who dared not to wear make up. Twelve lines of dialog. Two and half hour run time.

[Carey and Heidi are walking on the sea shore]

Heidi: Put the rocks in the basket. Grey ones are best.

Carey: I’m scared of water.

Heidi: This is why I pick rocks alone.

Female voice: Featuring Academy Award-winning glance choreography, and best supporting actress nominee, The Wind. And the one actual lesbian actress as stone cold ex.

Rex: [to Carey] Hey, I’m Rex. Nice to meet you. Excuse me. Oh, yes. We were together for two years. The sex was so bad, we broke up, even though there’s not another lesbian for five full countries.

Female voice: “Sure”, says Lesbian Monthly, “I mean, I’m gonna see it.”

Rex: Let me guess. She took you to pick up rocks? Guess where she learned that one?

Heidi: That will be enough.

Female voice: Witness the world’s saddest flirting.

[Carey and Heidi are laying on the bed facing each other]

Carey: My mother and father died before I was born.

Heidi: Mine too.

Female voice: And watch heated anticipation as they round all the bases, like grazing fingers, washing carrots and fast aggressive this. Sinnerview says, “I saw their nude backs which made me the fronts, which is where the boobs are.” And of course, there’s a drawing scene.

Heidi: May I draw you?

Carey: Yes. May I draw you?

Heidi: Yes.

Rex: And may I draw you drawing her?

Both: Yes.

Female voice: Two hours of excruciating tension, all building up to a sex scene so graphic, you’ll think, “Oh, right. A man directed this.”

Rex: Hey, gals. It’s 1840. That’s been invented yet. You’re going to crack the head board.

Female voice: Lesbian Period Drama. You get one a year. Make the most of it.

L’Eggs

Heidi Gardner

Blaze… Kyle Mooney

Andrew Dismukes

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Jenny… Carey Mulligan

[starts with four friends sitting in a canteen at school]

Heidi: Damn, I couldn’t wait for algebra to end.

Blaze: Me neither. I was dying to meet up with my beat buddies.

Andrew: Hell, yeah. So, what do you guys think? Is there after school rap group commence?

Ego: Okay. Definitely. You know I love to freestyle rap. Blaze, you on the beat?

Blaze: You know it. Let’s go.

[Blaze stands and starts beatboxing]

Ego: [rapping] Waking up rolling out of bed
my mom calls me a sleepyhead

Andrew: No cigarettes, I do not smoke
but if you got weed, I’ll have a toke

[Aidy and Jenny walk in]

Aidy: Legs looking smooth while I do my groceries,
silky and svelte in my brand new hosiery.

Heidi: Um, sorry. Who are you guys?

Aidy: Yeah, who are you guys?

Ego: I think she’s talking about you two.

Jenny: Us? We’re your female teen peers.

Aidy: Yes. Fellow students who learn.

Ego: How old are you?

Aidy: Well, we’re nine, like you.

Jenny: How old are you guys?

Heidi: We’re 15.

Aidy: Well, so are we. We’re post puberty but we can’t yet join the military.

Andrew: Did you say nine? You think we’re nine?

Jenny: Hey, gang. Next order of business, what brand of soothing pantyhose does the the rap team wear?

Aidy: Hey, that’s what I was wondering too, Jenny. I mean, I can’t get on stage if I’m plagued by worry about unsightly leg veins, am I right girlfriends?

Jenny: I can completely agree. My pantyhose color is sun-tan beige.

Aidy: And mine is chicken tender nude.

Heidi: Well, we don’t really wear pantyhose.

Blaze: Yeah. We just have these t-shirts and, like, jeans.

Ego: Okay. Are we ‘after school rap’ team or ‘talking about tights’ team? Come on, Blaze.

[Blaze starts beatboxing]

Andrew: [rapping] Never do my chores and never do a dish
throw the basketball it goes swish

Jenny: Praying for some good legs on my rosary
complete leg support with L’Eggs brand hosiery.

Heidi: Okay, why do you two keep bringing up hosiery?

Aidy: Okay, we confess. We are sales representatives for L’Eggs brand hosiery. You see, they come in these big eggs that are not bio-degradable. Cool, right?

Jenny: You are voted by your peers as the students who are most likely to wear pantyhose.

Aidy: Yeah. You could put hosiery hot on the market again.

Ego: No offense. But I don’t even know what hosiery is? Is it for grandmas?

Jenny: No. It’s for beautiful women who graduated college [Aidy pulls in a screen with their commercial] and are working a job and hopes that the boss will ask her handed marriage. Here we have a simple powerpoint presentation to explain.

Aidy: Yes. [There’s a picture of legs on the screen] Ew, look at those disgusting legs. I mean, I can see every shadow and curve of the toes.

Jenny: That’s not cool. That sucks. I want my legs to look like beige sheer column. For the low, low price of $8 for a pack of 24.

Ego: That is a good deal.

Aidy: It just is. And you aren’t the only one who thought that.

Jenny: In the 80s and 90s, everyone wanted hairless elegant legs with no toenail.

Heidi: Damn, that’s cool.

Aidy: Yeah, I sure relate to you there sister. But then came the nightmare whore trends of the early 2000s. [Pictures of Christina Agulera and Britney Spears on the screen] X-Tina and Ms. Pears wore raw legs and toe rings. They didn’t know that they were missing out on this. [Aidy shows off her own legs]

Jenny: My favorite are the L’Eggs made memory yarn. I love them. Just take a look at these. [Jenny shoes off her own legs]

Blaze: Damn. I’m not gonna lie, those legs look good.

Andrew: I love how L’Eggs leaves something to the imagination.

Jenny: Yes. That’s right, boys. So, what do you say, students? Do you have what it takes to become Brand Ambassadors for L’Eggs?

Heidi: We want to but we don’t know how.

Jenny: It’s easy.

Aidy: All you have to do is this.

[Aidy and Jenny start showing off their legs again.]

Weekend Update- Jeff and Hattie Deeley on Their Marriage

Michael Che

Hattie… Heidi Gardner

Jeff… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: May-December relationships are nothing unusual now-a-days. But a 26 year old groom is facing accusations of being a gold digger after marrying his 106 year old multi billionaire bride. Here to respond are newly-weds Jeff and Hattie Deley.

[Hattie and Jeff slide in]

Jeff: I put a ring on it. Thanks, Michael. I just want to say to all the haters out there, I’m not pretending. I could care less about my wife’s money. I married my wife because I’m in love with her.

Hattie: Candy? [passes candy to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh. Is this a cough-trap?

Hattie: It’s candy.

Jeff: Yeah. She likes to give those out. I don’t know if I’d eat it. It’s a little weird.

Hattie: That’s candy.

Michael Che: Thank you.

Jeff: And by the way, I just want to say, I didn’t even know she was rich to like, a couple of months after we started dating.

Michael Che: Dude, her maiden name is Exxonmobil. Hattie Exxonmobil.

Jeff: I don’t know.

Hattie: That’s me!

Jeff: Yeah, that is you, baby. God, she’s so sexy. All I know is it was love at first sight. She walked by and I swear on my life, like, except for the Walker, I thought it was Margot Robbie. I was like, what?

Hattie: We are on television.

Jeff: Yeah, we are, baby. We are on television. Yeah.

Michael Che: So, I hear you won’t sign a prenup?

Jeff: Yeah. I mean, her family wants me to but I know we’ll never divorce. So, what’s the point? You know what I mean?

Hattie: Can I have a custard before bed?

Jeff: Yeah, it’s awesome, baby.

Hattie: It’s little snack called custard.

Jeff: Yeah. Alright. Yes, babe.

Hattie: You owe me custard before bed.

Michael Che: I understand, ma’am. Just… What do you love the most about your wife?

Jeff: Um, she makes me laugh, Michael.

Hattie: Light’s so bright in here.

Jeff: Yeah. Baby, what kind of stuff do we laugh about?

Hattie: The hey?

Jeff: She says ‘the hey’. It means like, what? I think it’s an old person thing. It’s super adorable though, and I love it. Ha-ha-ha. [loud voice] What do we laugh about, baby?

Hattie: Oh. He-he. The hey.

Jeff: We have the same sense of humor. It’s awesome. [yelling] Babe, what do we laugh about?

Hattie: Excited for my custard.

Jeff: Yes, custard.

Hattie: Eat a custard.

Jeff: Yeah, he knows about the custard. No, we’re just excited to start our lives and start a family.

Michael Che: A family? Dude, I think ship has sailed, man.

Jeff: No. Technology is redonk now. Like, you just have to have my sperm fertilize another woman’s egg, and that woman carries and then has the baby.

Michael Che: So, you’re just going to get another woman pregnant?

Jeff: Look, kids are down the road. We got to practice making them first.

Michael Che: Dude, for real? What is having sex with your wife like? Killer?

Jeff: You’d think so, but no.

Hattie: I like it a lot.

Michael Che: Aw.

Jeff: She does.

Hattie: I like it a lot.

Jeff: They know, babe.

Hattie: [pointing at Jeff] I have sex with him.

Michael Che: Okay, if this is legit, I hope you two have many, many more years together.

Jeff: Oh, don’t say that, man.

Michael Che: That’s right.

Hattie: [pointing at Jeff’s penis] Excited for my custard.

Jeff: They know. We’re gonna have it.

Michael Che: The Deleys, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Vaccine Game Show

Tevin Jones… Daniel Kaluuya

Tasha.. Ego Nwodim

Derek… Kenan Thompson

Donald… Chris Redd

Shawna… Punkie Johnson

Sarah… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Tevin Jones: Hey, I’m Dr. Tevin Jones and welcome to “Will you take it?” The game show where I try to convince my family to take the covid vaccine. Let’s see who is playing today. We got my lovely cousin, Tasha.

Tasha: Hey.

Tevin Jones: My favorite uncle, Derek.

Derek: Watch out, now.

Tevin Jones: My cousin, Donald.

Donald: Call me Don Juan.

Tevin Jones: And my sweet aunt, Shawna. How are you doing?

Shawna: Baby, I’m blessed.

Tevin Jones: Good to hear. Alright. As you all know, I’m a medical doctor working on the front lines of covid.

Derek: Yes, that’s right.

Tevin Jones: I’ve seen what this disease is doing first hand.

All: Um-hmm.

Donald: Ain’t no joke.

Tevin Jones: And all of you are considered high risk for covid.

All: True.

Tasha: Whatever that means.

Tevin Jones: Bud despite all of my pleads, none of you have been vaccinated yet.

All: Hell nah!

Tevin Jones: Okay. So, let’s get into it. If you answer this first question right, I will hand you $500 in cash. Listen carefully. Will any of you will just take covid vaccine right now? Anybody? Any takers?

[buzzer sound]

Cousin Tasha.

Tasha: $500 cash?

Tevin Jones: Yes.

Tasha: Okay. Can you repeat the question?

Tevin Jones: Sure. The question is – would any of you just take the covid vaccine right now? Anybody?

[buzzer sound]

Don.

Donald: Nope.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Tevin Jones: Not the answer I was looking for.

Donald: Man, I don’t need that vaccine, man.

Tevin Jones: And just to remind everybody watching, you’re a diabetic and you’ve been shot in the lung.

Donald: But I never get sick because I sleep in my socks.

Tevin Jones: Time’s up. We were looking for the answer – “Yes, I will take the vaccine.”

Tasha: Damn.

Tevin Jones: It’s okay. You’ll get more chances to win. Uncle Derek, you’ve had two heart attacks in the past decade.

Derek: Um-hmm. And I survived by the grace of god.

Tevin Jones: And what will you do if you win some money here?

Derek: Man. I might like me a little reefer. Getting them one of them pellet smokers. Yeah. Throw a big old barbecue bash in the neighborhood. No masks.

Tevin Jones: Okay, sounds like you really need this vaccine. So, for $5,000, will you take the vaccine right now?

Derek: Hmm. I don’t know about that.

Tevin Jones: Think about this, uncle Derek. $5,000 is on the line.

Derek: Damn. 5 racks? It’s a lot of bread. I could get me a little girlfriend.

Tevin Jones: And you can have a barbecue. You can have your barbecue completely vaccinated.

Derek: Nah, it ain’t worth it.

Tevin Jones: Really? What about you, aunt Shawna?

Shawna: You know I can’t take that vaccine. I am a Christian.

Tevin Jones: Who told you Christians can’t take the vaccine?

Shawna: Facebook.

Tevin Jones: Time’s up. Again, we were looking for – “Yes.”

Derek: Look, I don’t mind taking the vaccine. I just want to be the first, you know?

Tevin Jones: You won’t be the first. Literally, 100 million people have already taken the vaccine.

Derek: Still, though.

[game show sound]

Tevin Jones: Well, that sound means it’s time for “Ask a doctor”. This is where each of you get to ask me, a medical doctor, any questions you have about the covid vaccine. And in the end, hopefully, some of you will leave here with cash and take the vaccine. Let’s start the clock at all day. [the game timer has 24 hours countdown.] And go! Tasha.

Tasha: Do it got syphilis in it?

Tevin Jones: What? Of course not. Why would it have syphilis in it? Tasha?

Tasha: Tuskegee.

Tevin Jones: Okay. But that was a long time ago.

Tasha: Um-hmm, well I ain’t forget.

Tevin Jones: It doesn’t have syphilis in it. Don?

Donald: Alright, I’ll take it when white people start taking it.

Tevin Jones: White people are taking it.

Donald: Man, you can’t trust white people.

Tevin Jones: Why can’t you trust white people? Tasha?

Tasha: Tuskegee.

Tevin Jones: Okay. You’re not wrong about Tuskegee. But still.

Derek: Nephew, I got a question. How come you don’t visit the family no more?

Shawna: Yeah. You missed grandma’s birthday.

Tevin Jones: None of you are vaccinated yet. And you shouldn’t be having parties.

Tasha: [mocking] You shouldn’t be having parties. Dork ass!

Tevin Jones: Whatever. Look, I’m offering you guys $5,000 to take this vaccine.

Derek: Make it 10.

Tevin Jones: Okay, fine. I’ma give you $20,000. Will you take it now?

Derek: 20 racks? [thinking] Nah, I’m good.

Tevin Jones: Okay. This is not working. This is not working. Let’s just take a break. Ha-ha. And when we come back, I’ll see if my girlfriend, Sarah, who’s also a doctor, can change their minds.

[Cut to Sarah. She’s a white girl]

Sarah: It’s really nice to meet you guys.

[The family are complaining about her]

Scattergories

Mr. K…Mikey Day

Mrs. K… Kate McKinnon

Steven… Daniel Kaluuya

Heidi Gardner

Mr. K: Well, great dinner, everybody.

Steven: Thanks for cooking again, Mrs. K.

Mrs. K: Well, thank you for bringing the wine. I love that it’s called Josh. It’s the nickname for wine.

Steven: Of course, ma’am. I’ve got to impress my girlfriend’s parents, right?

Mr. K: Oh, you always do. Well, you guys should head home or we could play a game.

Steven: I’ll be down to play a game.

Heidi: Yeah.

Mr. K: Okay. What do we have?

Mrs. K: We have Rummikub.

Steven: What’s a Rummikub?

Mrs. K: It combines elements of Mahjong and Rummi, and it’s really fun.

Heidi: Mom, that game is so boring. We’re never gonna wanna play that.

Mr. K: We got Scattergories.

Steven: I’m actually really good at that one. You guys bette watch out.

Heidi: That’s perfect.

Mrs. K: You know what? I might be too tired for a game other than Rummikub. I’m just going to clean up.

Mr. K: Okay.

Steven: Are you sure?

Mrs. K: Yeah. You got stuff to do. I got stuff to do. You guys have fun. [walks to the kitchen]

Mr. K: Okay. Well, we’re going to play. Okay, we are writing down words for each category that starts with– [rolling the die] You guys ready? ‘W’. And go.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

You okay, hun?

Mrs. K: Me? Yeah, just cleaning up.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

Steven: Is she alright?

Heidi: Yes, she said she’s fine. Oh, man. W is hard.

[pots and pans clanging loudly]

Steven: Do you want some help?

Mrs. K: No. I’m fine.

Heidi: Time is almost up.

[Mrs. K is banging the dishwasher]

Mr. K: I’m trying to find the last couple of answers.

Heidi: It’s not latching.

Mr. K: My love?

Steven: And time!

Heidi: Mom, are you okay? Do you not want us to play this/

Mrs. K: No, I’m good. Just doing my thing.

Heidi: Okay, because the dishes are a little loud.

Mrs. K: Oh, well, I’m sorry. I’m do something else. No problem.

Heidi: Okay. Thanks, mom.

Mr. K: Thanks, hun.

Steven: What what do you guys have? Things in the sky? I had–

[Heidi turns on the vacuum cleaner. It’s very loud.]

I had weather.

Heidi: That’s good. I had ‘wet balloon’. It doesn’t count, right?

Mr. K: I had ‘Whooshing wind.’ Honey, why are you doing that?

Mrs. K: I saw sesame seed. They’re toxic to dogs.

Mr. K: Yeah. We don’t have a dog.

Mrs. K: Well, and this is why.

[turns off the vacuum cleaner]

Heidi: Mom, are you sure you don’t want to play with us? It’s fun. The category is ‘things in the sky’.

Mrs. K: Okay, birds.

Heidi: Oh, well, it has to be with ‘w’.

Mrs. K: [annoyed] I wasn’t told that.

Steven: Because the die said ‘w’.

Mrs. K: Are you done with that glass? [the glasses are full with wine, but she takes them all anyway]

Steven: Not really. But that’s fine.

Mr. K: Let’s do a new round. Get a new list. [Mrs. K starts drinking everybody’s drinks.] New letter is ‘m’. And go!

[Mrs. K turns on music very loud. She’s wearing a headphone.]

Steven: What song is this, Mrs. K?

Mrs. K: Oh, you can hear that? I’m wearing a headphone.

Heidi: Yeah, but you’re playing it from the speaker.

Mrs. K: Okay. Sorry about that.

Heidi: No problem.

[phone ringing]

Mrs. K: Oh! Sorry, I have to get this. This is important. [Mrs. K walks near everyone else in purpose answering the phone] Hello. Um-hmm. And how long does that offer last? And the figures in would arrive when? That’s a lot to think about. I will be in touch. Thanks. Goodbye. [hangs up the phone]

Heidi: Mom, this one’s easier if you want to try. It’s foods for lunch.

Mrs. K: Okay. Wonderbread.

Heidi: The letter is M now. [Mrs. K is angrier] But that was a really good answer.

[Mrs. K turns on the disposal. It’s very loud.]

Mr. K: What are you putting in the disposal, huh?

Mrs. K: Just pictures. [Mrs. K’s putting her family pictures into the disposal.]

Heidi: Okay, mom, what’s going on? Are you upset? Do you want to play something else?

Mrs. K: You know what I wanted to play.

Mr. K: Rummikub?

Mrs. K: Yes! Rummikub. Always Rummikub.

Mr. K: Sorry, hun. It just seemed like more people wanted to play Scattergories.

Mrs. K: None of you like what I like. Last year on my birthday, we watched Deadpool. You think I liked that? I have been trying to get you to sit here and watch ‘Chocolat’  since we bought this house.

Heidi: Oh, Steven and I just watched that.

Mrs. K: Oh my god!

Heidi: Sorry.

Mrs. K: I fed your snake ‘Feedle’ mice for 10 years after you went to college. I would go to ‘Petco’ and they would say, “The usual” and I would say, “Yes. Dead mice bag, please.” And you can’t even play a single fgame of Rummikub?

Steven: You had a snake?

Heidi: I did. Okay, mom, do you want to play Rummikub now?

Mrs. K: NO! Wait, yes.  Wait, no. I’m drunk. Ah! I’m sorry, I think had too much Josh.

[cut to the commercial. There’s Josh wine and there’s Rummikub.]

Male voice: Josh wine, the official wine of Rummikub.

Spring Break Game Show Cold Open

Cece Vuvuzela… Maya Rudolph

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Madison… Chloe Fineman

Poots… Ego Nwodim

Lego… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching MTV Spring Break live at Miami beach where the party don’t stop until the government mandated curfew. Next stop, it’s the number one game show for hot infectious singles – “Snatched! Vaxed! or Waxed!”

[cheers and applause] [cut to Cece hosting the show]

Cece: Yes. Whoo! What’s up? Oh, what’s up, you guys? I am your host Cece Vuvuzela. I am here at beautiful Miami beach during global pandemic. We are so close to the end. Let’s ruin it! Okay, guys. When I say fourth, you say wave. Fourth!

Contestants: Wave!

Cece: Let’s go! Whoo! Today, three contestants will try and guess if our hidden lovely ladies are snatched – meaning the physique be right and tight, vaxed – and they got the anti-bodies-yadi-yadies, or waxed – a.k.a. smooth like a seal. That’s weird. Our equally important qualities. Ready boys?

Kyle: [excited] Oh, hell yeah!

Beck: Born this way.

Chris: My homie got me the vaccine two years ago. So, I’ve been straight for a minute.

Cece: Why don’t we meet our first covid cutie?

Madison: Hi, I’m Madison. I go to the university of high school where I major in home room. I’m here in Miami to either get covid or get laid.

Cece: Um, that’s good. Don’t let the pandemic change your priorities, right? What do you think, boys?

Kyle: That’s the voice of a girl with a small hard body if you please, ma’am. So, I’ma say snatched.

Beck: That sounded like a girl I hooked up with earlier today, so based off that I gotta say waxed.

Chris: Yo, she sounds like she’s down for anything crazy. So, I’ma say she got vaxed.

Cece: Tell em’ your deal.

Madison: I’m on Florida Adderal, man! So yeah, I’m snatched.

Cece: Oh, you guessed correct which means the two of you are headed to club Syph. With a capacity of 2,000, this place is literally on fire every night. Just make sure you go on before 10 because that’s when the cops stop firing pepper balls into your face.

Madison: Oh, pepper ball sounds fun. Let’s go do one.

[Madison and Kyle leave]

Cece: Snatched, Vaxed or waxed is brought to you by Spirit Airlines. “$10 flight to Miami. Don’t worry, we keep the windows open.” And AstraZeneca. “We put the ass in vassine”. Let’s meet our next hottie with the body.

Poots: Hey, I’m Poots and it’s technically not my spring break because I’m still going to Zoom school to be a therapist. Um-hmm, yeah, sorry sir, but you crazy. I’m gonna be a doctor.

Cece: Umm, what do we think, boys?

Chris: She sounded smart, so I gotta go with waxed.

Beck: I know she don’t want herpes, so I’m gonna say vaxed.

Cece: Uh-uh, neither of you guessed correctly. So, Poots is headed out on a date to the Versace Murder Steps all by herself.

Poots: I don’t wanna go there.

Cece: It’s not optional. Enjoy Miami. Let’s meet our final pandemic princess.

Lego: What’s up? I’m Lego and I actually can’t wear a mask coz it irritates my cold sores. So, I am anti-vaxed and anti-max. But I am laxed.

Chris: What are you saying?

Lego: I’m in laxed place.

Chris: Okay. You know what? She made a point saying she’s anti-vaxed. But I think she’s just flirting. So, I’ma say vaxed.

Cece: Oh, no, come on. You guys know no one partying in Miami is vaxed. [siren] Oh-oh, you know what that siren means.

Beck: [wearing his police vest] I’m actually a cop and that siren means I’m on duty now.

Cece: No. It means we take a shot and keep the party going. Please welcome people’s cousin Leopard.

[starting the party. Chris and Lego start danging]

Chris: Alright, alright, everybody out. Everybody out. Let’s go. Let’s go.

Cece: Oh, no, smoke bombs. That means they’re closing the bridges. We gotta go. I am Cece and it was all worth it. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Vaccine Game Show Cold Open

Dr. Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Gavin Newsom… Alex Moffat

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gretchen Whitmer… Cecily Strong

Jane F. … Heidi Gardner

Kendall Frye… Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villseñor

Ronald… Bowen Yang

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Seymour Foreman… Mikey Day

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: And now, a message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Dr. Anthony Fauci] [cheers and applause]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Hello. Hello. Okay. Thank you. Hello. I am America’s voice of reason and Celebrity Hall Pass for some reason, Dr. Fauci. The vaccine rollout is going strong, but it’s also very confusing. Who can get it? How? When? Where is it? Do both doses go in the same arm or different arms or what? I don’t know. So tonight, we give everyday Americans the chance to vie for vaccine eligibility on a little show we like to call “So you think you can get the vaccine?” [clapping] [cheers and applause]

Hello and welcome to the name of the game show I just said.

[Dr. Anthony Fauci walks to the podium that’s shaped like covid-Dr. Anthony FauciSeymour Foreman vaccine bottle container]

Getting a vaccine shouldn’t be a competition but Americans will only want to get it if it means someone else can’t. So, let’s meet our panel of judges who are all — get excited — famous governors. First, he is hated by every single person in California except those 10 people he had dinner with in Napa that one time, please welcome governor Gavin Newsom.

[cheers and applause]

Gavin Newsom: Hey, what can I say? I love dinner.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: That’s great. How are things going in California?

Gavin Newsom: Teeth – white. Bodies – tight. Covid – pretty bad.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Next, he is currently under fire for futzing with old dead people and also for the kind of sexual harassment allegations that make you go, “Yeah, I can see that”, it’s New York’s governor Andrew Cuomo.

[cheers and applause]

Andrew Cuomo: Yes. Yes. Hello. Nice bodies, some of you. I know, I know. I’m in the freaking dog house again. Remember when your favorite movie was my Powerpoints? Remember “Today is Tuesday”? When can we go back to that? I mean, come on.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Our next judge narrowly escaped being kidnapped by a group of men whose fingerprints probably had Cheetos dust on them, please welcome the governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer.

[cheers and applause]

Gretchen Whitmer: Hey there. It’s an honor to be here with my fellow governors. People yell at them about their policies and they yell at me “Get her!” But hey, that’s life! [takes a sip from her bottle of beer.]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay. Judges, all of our contestants desperately want the vaccine but an essential worker can differ in every state. So, in California, it’s–

Gavin Newsom: Police, hospital staff, neuropaths and psychics.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: And in Michigan, it’s–

Gretchen Whitmer: Fishers, truckers, trappers and drafters.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Right. And in New York, it is–

Andrew Cuomo: Tough guys, wise guys, rich guys and five guys.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Great. Tonight’s game and the vaccine is brought to you by CVS. Come fo the shot, leave with a lollipop from two Halloweens ago. Our first contestant is very nervous and excited to be here. Please welcome Jane F.

[cheers and applause]

Jane F.: Hello, I’m from Michigan. Go, Wolverines.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aw, well hi. Nice to see a fellow Michigander.

Jane F.: Oh, thanks. I actually voted for you.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, it’s nice.

Jane F.: I voted for you to get kidnapped. But still–

Gretchen Whitmer: It’s alright. Well, I’ll take it. Tell us why you’re here?

Jane F.: I think I deserve the vaccine because I’m an essential worker.

Gretchen Whitmer: That’s nice. What do you do?

Jane F.: I do IT for the Onlyfans website, so I am busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Do you have any preexisting conditions?

Jane F.: Um, I have a really bad attitude. I’m allergic to dust. And I don’t know if this is anything but I have herpes.

Gretchen Whitmer: Oh, no, sweetheart, that doesn’t get to the vaccine.

Jane F.: What? Then why did I just say that on the TV?

[Jane F. leaves]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Oh, it’s too bad. A reminder, any contestant who’s not going home with a vaccine will take home one of our highly desirable consolation prizes like Pfizer visor. [A picture of a Pfizer sun cap appears on the screen.] It’s visor with the word Pfizer on it. And if you don’t get the vaccine, you might take home Maxine. [a cartoon woman appears on the screen]. The cranky middle aged woman from the Hallmark cards. Available at CVS. CVS, it stands for Chex Mix, Vodka and “So much plan B”. Now, our next contestant has asked me to tell you that she is very, very old, for real. She’s not even kidding. Please welcome Kendall Frye.

[Kendall Frye walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kendall Frye: Hello. I’m old. I love hard candy and boy do I stand going to church.

Gretchen Whitmer: Hah! Something seems off about her.

Andrew Cuomo: Yeah. She just said stand.

Gavin Newsom: I think we got another pretend granny.

Kendall Frye: [pulls off her wig] Okay, fine. Listen, there’s a guy I’ve been talking to for 10 years and he just got out of a relationship and he’s in town tonight. Give me the vaccine.

Gavin Newsom: Okay. And, what are your risks?

Kendall Frye: My risk is that I may pop, sir.

Gretchen Whitmer: Sorry, sweetheart. You’re not eligible.

Kendall Frye: Wow, okay. On the second to last day of Black History Month, wow!

[Kendall Frye walks out]

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Thanks again to our sponsor, CVS. We have the receipts — and they’re long. I don’t get that joke. I don’t mind saying it. I just don’t get it. Alright, our next contestant is expecting to have a baby.

[cheers and applause]

Melissa: Hi, I’m pregnant. Can I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: I don’t know. Can you?

Melissa: Sorry. May I get the vaccine?

Andrew Cuomo: No, that wasn’t a grammar thing. I was genuinely asking. We have no idea.

Melissa: You don’t know?

Gavin Newsom: Um, just give it to her?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Um, unfortunately, we’re running a little low on Moderna, but we do have some trials for the Kirkland signature vaccine developed by Costco. [pulls out a huge syringe] It’s big enough for you and your little one that comes with a free pack of 24 hotdogs. Next, we have Ronald who’s a proud smoker from New Jersey.

[cheers and applause]

Ronald: Hi. I’m Ronald. [holding a burning cigarette in uncomfortable way] I’m from New Jersey. And I love cigarettes.

Andrew Cuomo: Are you just saying that because in New Jersey, they’re giving the vaccine to smokers?

Ronald: [squeaky voice] What? No. I love smoking. I love the squishy part, the burny part. It’s all my favorite. [coughing] Okay, this is terrible. I got to get some water.

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Okay, give it up for that life long smoker. Our next contestant is– this doesn’t sound right, fresh off his appearance yesterday at CPAC. Oh god, it’s Ted Cruz.

[cheers and applause]

Ted Cruz: Yes, yes. Senator Ted Cruz performing talent of stand up comedy. Oh, it is great to be back in New York city. I’m sorry, my arms are tired because I just flew back Cancun, Mexico. But can you really blame a brother for want some sun? Oh-oh! Oh-oh! Here comes my catch phrase that I’ve spent all day yesterday screaming. Are you ready? Here we go now. [yelling] Freedom!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Wow. It’s been quite a night and we’re down to our last contestant. Let’s bring him out.

[cheers and applause]

Seymour Foreman: Hello. My name is Seymour Foreman and I’m RonaldJane F. years young. I was an army doctor but now I’m just the world’s proudest granddad.

Gretchen Whitmer: Aww. Wow, you got it all.

Andrew Cuomo: You win.

Gavin Newsom: You get the vaccine.

Seymour Foreman: Oh, wonderful. So, do I get it here or back stage?

Andrew Cuomo: Oh, no. You can’t get it here. You gotta make an appointment online.

Seymour Foreman: On what? Oh no! How do I do that?

Gavin Newsom: Do you have a computer?

Seymour Foreman: For Spider Solitaire.

Gretchen Whitmer: Well, is there a young person who could help you?

Seymour Foreman: Perhaps the mailman?

Andrew Cuomo: Now, does he have three straight days to click refresh?

Seymour Foreman: I don’t think he does. He seems busy.

Gretchen Whitmer: Ah! So close. Better luck next time.

Andrew Cuomo: But if you do feel sick, make sure you leave the nursing home and get to the hospital. Wink!

Seymour Foreman: Oh no!

Dr. Anthony Fauci: Alright. That’s all the time we have. I’m just getting word, power went out at the CVS nearby. The vaccines are all going to expire. So, it’s first come first stab.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Mirror Workout

Chris Redd

Mikey Day

Nathan… Nick Jonas

Crissa… Heidi Gardner

Shannon… Kate McKinnon

Azuzal… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Chris and Mikey in their apartment]

Chris: So, how does this thing work again?

Mikey: It’s a workout mirror. So, the instructors are in it. You just do what they do. It’s supposed to be awesome.

Chris: Oh, that’s sick. I’m gonna get so jacked.

Mikey: Yeah. I know, man. Like, the bike, the rowing machine, the treadmill, none of that stuff worked. But this definitely will.

Chris: Well, let’s do it, man.

[Mikey turns the mirror on. Nathan appears on it.]

Nathan: What’s up? Welcome to your first mirror workout. You ready to work?

Chris and Mikey: Yeah!

Nathan: That’s what I thought. Today, we’re gonna be doing Mikey0 second interval training. We’ll be cycling through trainers. So, let’s go. Let’s do this. I’m Nathan. And you’re going to make some major gains. I’m your man.

Mikey: Yo, dude, I love this already.

Chris: We’re gonna get so yo.

[Crissa appears on the mirror.]

Crissa: And I’m Crissa, cardio queen. I’m here to make you sweat. You’re going to hate me by the end of this. But I love that.

Mikey: Oh, dude, Crissa’s gonna kick our ass. I can feel it.

Chris: Man, these people are great, man. They get me pumped up.

[Shannon appears on the mirror. She is an old woman]

Shannon: My name is Shannon Delgado. I am trapped inside of the mirror. I am in a cold black void. If you can hear me, please help me undo the curse.

Chris: What the hell was that about?

Mikey: Yeah. I don’t know, man. But Nathan’s back. Let’s do this.

Nathan: Alright, dudes. Pick up those weights. It’s bicep curls. Make sure you get a full extension. Swirl is the goal. Let’s go.

Mikey: Yo, this is tight.

Chris: It’s definitely cool. My only question is like, who is Shannon Delgado?

Crissa: Hey, ya’ll! It’s time for high-steps. I know it sucks but just remember you’re earning that guacamole later.

Mikey: Oh, dude, you know I’m a guac freak.

Chris: Oh man, you know I am too. Oh, no. She’s back.

[Shannon is standing there with paper bags full of groceries]

Shannon: Hello again, it’s me, Shannon Delgado. Here is what happened to me. I was rude to a fortune teller and now I am here. I need you to call my husband, Ron Delgado, and tell him not to get remarried. I don’t have much time. I am being watched.

Chris: Okay, now she’s got her stuff with her. I’m kind of worried about Shannon Delgado, man.

Mikey: Yo, what I’m worried about is my gains. When’s my man Nathan coming back?

Nathan: Time for tricep kickbacks. Nathan arms, that’s what you want? You gotta do it like this. Also, pro-tip, don’t listen to Shannon Delgado. She’s a liar. Let’s go.

Chris: Wait, he can hear us?

Mikey: Dude, focus on your form.

Shannon: There’s no food in here. Sometimes they lay out a beautiful feast but it twinkles in a way that lets me know that it’s cursed. Once they gave me a beautiful meatball subs. I took a bite and I looked down and it was a rat.

[Azuzal slides in behind Shannon. He’s a guy wearing a red robe with long sharp nails.]

Azuzal: Work.

Shannon: Yes, yes. Apologies, Azuzal. Azuzal guards the gateway.

Azuzal: Work. Stretch.

Shannon: Yes, of course, Azuzal. So, just pull your arm across chest, guys.

Mikey: Oh, okay. So, she does like stretching I guess. Alright, that makes sense.

Chris: No, it doesn’t. And who is Azuzal?

Nathan: Alright. Now, it’s time for the fun stuff. We’re doing a mixtape. New move, new song. Start with me and Jason Derulo. Squads!

Mikey: Oh dude, these are tough, man. Ass to the grass, right?

Crissa: My turn. Let’s do some punches. Time to pump it up raise the glass.

Chris: I do love this.

Mikey: As long as it’s not squats, dude. I’m happy.

Shannon: [scared of Azuzal] Breathe into the stretch.

Azuzal: Work, my Shannon!

Mikey: Alright, full disclosure, man. I like Nathan and Crissa. I’m just not really feeling Shannon Delgado or Azuzal.

Chris: I’m kind of team Shannon. I hope she’s okay.

Nathan: Alright, yo. Let’s recover. Let’s roll out these shoulders. Nice.

[Shannon quietly walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Yo, Shannon Delgado is trying to get away.

Nathan: What? Oh, no. Azuzal, she’s not in her frame. Quick! She’s disobeying.

[Azuzal also walks pass behind Nathan]

Chris: Dude, Nathan is on Azuzal’s side.

Nathan: Alright yo, let’s take a deep breath. Roll it out, all sweaty. Praise to Azuzal. And workout done. Nice job.

Mikey: Nice, dude. I actually already feel gains.

Nathan: Y’all killed it today. Give yourselves a “Hell yeah!”

Chris and Mikey: Hell yeah!

Crissa: Give yourselves a “We freakin did it!”

Chris and Mikey: We freakin did it!

Shannon: Give yourselves “Infectus dome zu!”

Chris: A what?

Mikey: Infectus dome zu!

[lightning appears inside the apartment]

Chris: What the hell? Oh, dude! The power went out or something? What?

[Shannon is in place of Mikey now. She is standing beside Chris in the apartment.]

Shannon: It worked. It worked. I’m free. Ron, I’m coming.

[Mikey is inside the mirror now and Azuzal is behind him]

Mikey: No! No, why am I in here?

Azuzal: You are Shannon now. Work!